Hi everybody. It's me.
Katie a source. Whose me a goon.
Um hi, welcome to infinite Quest.
I assume you're it's episode 1. I assume that you're just
joining us for the first time. Maybe you're here for a real
estate and this will be a pleasant surprise.
Yeah, maybe listen to like the sex episode or something.
You like, oh, what's up here? And then you went back to the
beginning. And so you might notice that the
tone of this episode is very different and looser and all
that than the other ones. Because this was the very first
First episode, we have a recorded when we just like on
zoom and started talking about stuff.
Yeah. And so we literally just got
done editing and fancy fying, and music, ending and and
trailering episode 25. And so we wanted to let you know
that if you're just joining us you can skip this one honestly I
mean they think it has character it's got this episode is sort of
the origin story of how infinite Quest came to be.
We want to let you know that we sort of really hit our stride
around episode 3. Yeah, that's the first one.
Where we had our first guest and all that stuff.
If you're here great we had a lot of fun.
We love this episode because it's sort of part of our
history. It's one of the first
conversations that we ever had together.
Yeah. It's kind of like the very first
episode of The Simpsons where all our heads were like kind of
weirdly shaped like the pilot when you're just sort of like,
what's up with this? What's going on here?
Think of it like that. Like a funny-shaped Simpsons
type episode. Yes.
So this is our funny shape Simpsons episode.
And so we just wanted To let you know that if you're sort of
confused and you're like, why does their auto audio sound like
garbage, and they have obviously, no idea how to have a
podcast. We get better.
Yeah, I think so easily. And also, I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna correct.
I think, episode 3 is our first Real Deal.
Literally, what I said, did you say for now?
I said three, you said three said, but I agree with what
Katie said before put me on the record.
So yeah. Anyway, we just wanted to let
you know going in because I don't know.
We got kind of She'sa. But yeah, we did.
We might have over thought it. Yeah, it so anyways.
Enjoy episode 1. I feel like now I lit episode 1.
The squishy Simpsons episode description.
Is this a bad time to tell you? I've never seen The Simpsons,
Jesus Christ, really? I've never seen that me.
Neither actually really good. Yeah, weird.
Enjoy the show. So then I was like and that is
exactly how Brian Dennehy and I saved Christmas.
Oh, I wish you were there. Oh hi, I didn't see you there.
Welcome to episode 1 of K T and Erickson.
Infinite quest for attention podcast.
In this episode. I quiz for on Shakespeare for a
little bit we talked about M and whatnot.
Then we get a little serious and we talk about our history of
diagnosis and what it was like to embark on our journeys of
being people with ADHD and there's a whole thing.
Thank you so much for joining us.
I really appreciate it. If you would like to support our
efforts in doing this and just give us more time and energy and
whatever to keep producing this kind of stuff.
Please consider donating to our patreon patrons.
It would be great. Anyways, please enjoy.
So, here's a question, you can answer.
This is our first recording session for and according to the
New York Symphony quest for attention episode 1, Feel
immense amount of pressure to say very smart things.
Yeah, I was listening to the, the 80, the attitude magazine
but they capitalized add. So I wanted to say add tude but
that's dumb and also it is an Antiquated term.
So like they kind of committed to the name of their magazine
before like the dust had settled.
Not that it still has settled but, but anyways.
Yes I do. I had like a whole, I like a
whole list of like cool, like, haha things, I can say they'll
come up. She beats me.
Did you just make a list of punchlines?
No, no. No.
Those gets did, you know? But if you, I didn't, I really
didn't. But I thought I was in the state
if you did. You should just read the punch
lines off now and and then when we we Circle back to them later.
Well, that's I have a copy of my resume right over there.
That's one of my favorite things to do actually like, like, like
faux punchlines to me. I like the height of Comedy.
What's so out of context? Yeah, so like, you know, if I'm
at a party or somebody and somebody's like, walking over,
I'm like okay guys just like go with me and I'll like, wait and
I'll be like I'm so I said Pavarotti.
I meant ravioli and then everybody goes haha and then
like that's but it's like, I don't know why but I think
that's like the funny shit in the whole world.
I was really smart punchline. That was a really dropped a
little, little Three, Tenors reference there.
I mean, look, I'm a like I'm not of embarrassed to admit, I like
Opera. I like classical music.
I like That's it. Those are the only two things
that are diverging. I knew it soon as you started
that lists the you didn't think of it their thing and it's okay.
I know I've done it like three times today.
There was the first time I didn't think of it first thing
that time. That didn't work out.
You something do something with your hair.
You just something different to your hair, combed it?
Yeah, shoes. You said I'm cute.
No, I said, Jack Hughes. She accuse.
Yes. You did what weight?
That wouldn't mean that I accused you but no, I was
accusing. You of doing something different
with your hair. Yes.
Calm.
Didn't know, speaking of French decision like that would be I
accuse right I judge is I so it'd be like Zsa IQs you Jai
j'accuse? Yes I did.
Well what's funny is I so when I sit down at my desk My desk is a
fucking wreck. And also how are we gonna do
about swearing on this thing? Are we using to say swearing is
fine. Like we're probably okay to
swear. Like it depends on how like like
because like I'm at some point perhaps we're going to talk
about something educational and I mean we can we can what I said
we can hope. Yeah you know but I don't know
why I lost my train of thought at some point we're going to
talk about something educational right?
But then before that oh yeah so my deck is go fucking rest up
rack. That's why I thought I could I
said, fucking wreck which it is and so I only ever get The
inclination to clean it when I open a zoom meeting.
So, like, I've Zoom therapy every Tuesday and that because I
need, obviously, I need something to do while it's
happening and so, like, I'll just go.
Yeah, totally not just like, start like suddenly putting
stuff away and like doing nothing.
So while I was in the waiting room with, for you, which by the
way, it was like three minutes. I did a bit before I did about
the Holy. Look at the holy WD-40 behind
me. Joe's in WD-40 while I was
thinking like putting on my little stuff away, I found the
one comb that I own which gets lost because I never use it.
And so, oh, speaking of educational ahd people exhibit,
what's called, utilization Behavior, you ever heard of that
Katie, I why don't you talk about it?
Eric, well, I wanted to let you have you because I want to I
want to have it. I don't want to just teach
people stuff. I want to know that I know
something you don't. That's like, I mean, I have
heard of utilization therapy, but I bet the people listening,
oh, no. You told me about it.
You were the person who taught it to me.
We already have this. Thanks for that was you
introduced me to the concept? I never heard of it before and
then I like, read about it. After you told me about it, it
was after I would do the, the fidgeting video.
Yeah, a while ago because I thought utilization Behavior was
some technical term for the behavior of Lily.
The active fidgeting. It's not different thing, but it
utilization behavior is basically When we is the is the
behavior of when you see an object, you want to use it for
its intended use like you get the impulse to use.
So me seeing a comb, I was doing something completely, not
related to coming my hair, but me seeing comb, put my brain in
like comb mode for a second like that, like combing, your hair.
And so I immediately just like, grabbed it and started combing,
my hair like that happened, like, less than ten minutes ago.
So, utilization behavior is basically your brain wants to
use something. Thing for its purpose when it
sees it. So seeing a toothbrush and
really getting your brush your teeth and what not it's
necessary, it's pretty uncommon just generally but it is more
common in people with ADHD and I've never really liked noticed
it in my own life but I guess it just happens which is which is
strange. So there you go.
But then I wonder then how that interacts with like I need to
have everything out like I can't have Like the special box where
I keep the thing. It's like I have to be able to
see the thing or I will never find that like this thing, like
this weird, if it's gone. Wait.
Oh no, I see it on brand on brand that was that was some
Peak. That was just embarrassingly
accurate. But like this thing, like I have
this stupid little thing, and it's like the converter so I can
plug my headphones into my phone, and this fucking stupid
piece of shit thing. I have bought like nine of these
He's because I keep losing them and so I was like, okay.
So what I did is the this very kind person, they gave me this
bag and it's clear and so now I can see it and it stays in the
bag, and it's clear and I can see it and it's the best thing.
So it has a place that it lives, but that I'm like, but then it's
like if I see it that I'm like, do I need to do?
I need to use it, you know. And so then it's like it's weird
like Fleet for my brain. That's what was I.
I was given full for one. I've, I know of a truly
statistically, unreasonable amount of people who have worked
at Apple Stores, and those things are commonly referred to
in the Apple Community as dongles Dio ngle dongle.
However, the administration people that the corporate have
now sort of banned, the use of the term dongle to refer to
those things just because Is it sounds dirty?
It is a doesn't mean anything dirty but it totally sounds
dirty which I think what it's like this.
Totally subjective like understanding of the term as
Rudy scans so much so that they had to be a meaningless term.
Wasn't there like a commercial though?
Where it was like a, like a double-double dangle dongle.
You know what I do remember? Yeah, I swear there was like a
commercial where it's like a double a double dongle or
something. Come on here so well.
So just speaking of dongles. So I have these drawers which a
great which by the way ADHD tip, get one of these motherfuckers.
I have an obsession with tiny drawers.
Well, they're great. I love tiny drawers.
Like my grown-up adult. Life's goal is to own a
full-size library card catalog like a like a antique one
because it's what I want to use to like organize a call.
My sewing notions sorry I cut you off.
Go ahead you have drugs well I'm sorry yes Library catalogue
cards. First just asked me to ask me to
find my dongle just asked me to Eric find your dongle.
Incredible. Right?
And you know how I know it was there because it's labeled
dongle. I don't know if it's gone.
That's right, it's hard. All those strange little things
that usually go and like a disk or like in a little little
little little cat lap and up milk dish.
But now I'm gonna have that like, you know, the little
things that you throw coin, changing and stuff.
Yeah, like yeah, that's where that ends up.
Where those words, like, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna I'm not
gonna make a hole location for one tiny little thing.
So you just kind of throw In the, in the, in the detritus,
the Flotsam, and Jetsam dish, that was an obscure reference.
It's not a cool terms Flotsam and Jetsam you ever.
Heard that term. I thought you were making a
Little Mermaid joke but that's fine.
Are the words Flotsam and Jetsam in The Little Mermaid.
That's the name of the eels. Like Ursula's pet eels are
Flotsam and Jetsam. No way.
It's it's in the song she goes Flotsam Jetsam.
Now I've got two boys here bosses on overall, he's poor.
Well, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sure thing.
I kind of want you to, I don't kind of want you to I wanted to
while I was saying that, but while I was, once I said it, I
realized I didn't want you to, but I'm very impressed.
I'm like, 50% in Preston 50% concerned.
Forget this part out. I remember lots of inject some
of the terms, if a ship is sinking and you need to lighten
the ship, like make the ship less heavy Flotsam and Jetsam of
the things that you would throw off the ship to make it less
heavy in there for sink less quickly.
So Flotsam and Jetsam, sort of terms for like things that you
like just shit. Like fucking just stuff.
You know, get rid of like who cares Flotsam and Jetsam fun
fact. In GTA 5, in the GTA Universe,
which by the way I've played hundreds and hundreds of hours
of the DC area. I want to talk about it now but
all every single something I really admire about that series
is every single thing is sort of a joke like, is this like
satire, so the ending of everything, like the amount of
writers that they employed for these.
You're incredible. But the the name of the shipping
company, like if you go to a shipyard one of the names of the
shipping company is jetsam J. ET sa M Jetsam, which sounds
like it should be like, just like, Pan Am Jetsam but it means
stuff that would fall off that you would throw up a off a ship,
but in their shipping containers.
So that was so clever. Like somebody thought of that
and they're like, wow, I nailed that one.
And indeed, they did amazing. But anyways, yeah, definitely
excited that what I need to know?
More than anything else. In the entire world is whether
or not the word Flotsam appears in Shakespeare, I don't think it
does but I'm going to look anyway.
You think it's not as I want to know V step.
There is no use of the word Flotsam in Shakespeare just so
you know. Is there just a bit?
I imagine that there is some massive compilation like the
complete works of Shakespeare that you can actively searched
through. It's actually this route.
There's, there's a couple of them, but my favorite is called
open source Shakespeare, and it's like the best thing ever,
because you can search every one of his works by keyword.
So like if you just decide one day that you want to wake up and
know how many times the word, you know, hand appears in The
Shakespearean Cannon, you can look up the word hand across all
of the text. Or you can, you know, you can
search by like show or whatever which is like also really cool
because in that way you can find it but like specific show if
that's a thing that you want to do in your life, I use it a lot
for grad school because sometimes you just need to know
like how many times does the word hand appear in Titus
andronicus, and the answer is 58.
Aunt Ines is about it, I just wrote down upon segment idea
would be Easy for me to put to think of words.
And then ask you how many times you think they appear and know
that one? That's the one that I know for
facts is 50th 58. But yeah, we're seeing
occurrence of the word hand and you can think of, in Shakespeare
In general, we know them on a time I think my favorite is
there's a really sick pun where he goes, they're talking about
getting the his hand chopped off and then he goes, oh handle.
Not the theme to talk of hands and he was like, Hey handle.
That's the fame to talk of pants.
Like it's just really, it's really good.
It's some very clever wordplay it is that is insanely clever
word play, because if the word is name, It's, that's our that's
our first segment. It's Katie rants about
Shakespeare, you've two minutes to rant about Shakespeare go.
Also, I know you drop this a couple times and I'm
deliberately not asked you because I wanted to record your
answer one, because I think other people are curious about
you, but all because. Because also, because I'm going
to forget, right? Just that sentence.
Yes. I was, I think I was gonna put
what? What's you have two masters
degrees, right? Yes.
What's up with that? Well, I have two masters
degrees. The first one is in, it's a
master of letters in Shakespeare.
And then so A to Z, I know them all I worked really hard to
learn the alphabet and then the second one is a master of Fine
Arts in Shakespeare in performance.
So the very pretentious and silly way of It is that I'm
basically qualified to teach Shakespeare pager stage like I
study did linguistically and textually and rhetorically and
then I also know a lot about it just in terms of being a
performer and getting to say the words, which is my favorite
part. So that's something that I
always noticed when I saw Shakespeare performed is that it
seems like a lot of the actors wanted to.
It's like they kind of wanted to impress the audience with how
well they had memorized. As the the words, by saying them
really fast and it always bothered me because that's the
whole, like, that's the whole thing about like the, you know,
his meter and everything like that is, it's just audit.
Like, it's just sounds good. If you didn't speak English,
it's still like sounds pleasant, like, the way that the wounds
and I was really frustrated. That was the sort of like
approved like I say that because like there's a lot of different
schools of pot. But the sort of approved like
length of time is that for every, every 20 lines of text in
Shakespeare should take you about a minute.
That is the speed at which you're supposed to you're
supposed to do shakes Garden. How did that come about?
It's because if you have this is that's a great question because
if you like how this is just known and you, let's see if we
are gonna be skinny about Shakespeare, but if you if you
look at like the original sources and stuff like that and
if you lean kind of heavily into two hours traffic of our stage,
which is probably pretty close to like, what they were going
with maybe a little bit longer, but you can get through most of
Romeo and Juliet in about two and a half hours, if you are
going at about 20 lines per minute, and so, so, so, so the
idea was to keep the show a set duration, or reason, I don't
think that, I think what it was is like, you know, because like
Hamlet is really long like, like even at 20 lines per minute
Hamlet is about three and a half hours, the Romeo Juliet is one
of his like mid-length plays, but in that text, there is
there's that specific line about the two hours traffic of our
stage and so some Scholars Really kind of have taken that
to heart and said okay, like if it's two hours ich will say two
hours is which is about two and a half hours ish.
How can what, what would that take and it's 20 lines per
minute. And the thing that I like about
it is that 20 lines per minute is like, you still have time to
get the words out and have them be understood, but you're not
doing like to be Or not to be like, you know, it's there's,
there's like a clip to it and there's an urgency to it that I
think is really cool. What, so, what's the line, the
line from Hamlet that you just brought up from half hours
traffic to stay? I wish that's from.
That's from Romeo and Juliet. It's oh God.
Now, I'm gonna have to look it up because I hate being put on
the spot with Shakespeare, it's like, oh, you don't have it all
memorized, every two households both alike in dignity, in fair
Verona, where we We lay our scene.
Just she's just two hours traffic of our stage.
That's the end of it, but I can't remember.
Hold on, I'm going to look it up because it's gonna drive me.
Insane crazy. Yeah, yeah, and the continuance
of their parents Rage, which but their children's end nought
could remove is now the two hours traffic of our stage.
The which, if you with patient ears attend what here shall miss
our toil shall strive to mend, that's what it is.
Yeah. I'm sorry Katie and I was I
think that was about sixteen lines a minute.
I have at least one of those master's degrees back please.
That's true. That's like that was actually
I'm going to argue that point because that was precisely the
right. The right was within
motherfucker, part of me was like, alright, I'm going to give
you shit about that, just because, you know, it's fun,
it's a little math joke. It's kind of a literature joke,
but I also knew that you probably had as pretty like, a
solid understanding of exactly what that sounds like I was, you
know, it's, I mean they're not wrong, you're just inaccurate,
there's difference. The section that is your section
on my whiteboard is is now full. I need to get a new.
I need to get well. So this seems to be this big
rectangular section and I cut out this section here so that
they fit by my desk but I didn't have to move my peg board, which
is just a nightmare to move. So I actually do have a
reasonably live, an unallocated section of whiteboard that I
saw. Just put somewhere but it
doesn't have a specific purpose. I got mine.
My mobile white board that has like this little holder on it
for. So like this is I can take
around. And then this is my primary,
this is my main squeeze because I'm at my desk.
I can just my desk used to be here, so, I could like write a
note like that, which is the best.
But, anyways, you need you, you're I think you're you, you
and this and all is at the point where I think it deserves its
own whiteboard. You can also use white board
marker on your window, so, You're right.
Did I just ruin your life? Works so well.
It's a lot of people have told me that, that they use their
bathroom mirror and they use their, their mirrors.
And every time I read that, I like deliberately just perish
the thought from my brain. Because once I know that it's
just over like I'm just going to start one.
All my windows and mirrors are going to be covered in white
board stuff. But then the natural next
thought is what else can be used as a whiteboard thing.
And so then I'm just going to ruin my entire life with thing
written, things, written on my time.
Right in my computer I'm going to write in my like little jars
for there's a tent. It's glass, you know, look at
that, there it is. And you can erase it mason jars,
valid whiteboard, there it is it.
So it depend on his box is opened its overview.
What if you like got mason jars and then you like painted the
inside white and then that way you could write on the outside
and you could see it could be up against the white paint on the
inside. That would be cool.
But feel like the reason I would want to write something on a
mason jar would be to label what's inside of it temporarily
or net case. It would also be beneficial to
see what's inside of it because my wouldn't that's Helen.
That's valid, that's a valid point, didn't think about that?
I was thinking more for like Pinterest e, like, you know,
when you like, do think we like hang them in the Mason jar like
up on your wall and you're like, here's where my cotton balls
going. My Q-tip my little.
Oh yeah, we're the best use for mason jars.
And that's that. Like, is Pinterest worthy,
because it, Because it has nothing to do with.
It was it was done, strictly functionally.
Is if you take the cap of a mason jar and you have like,
let's see what like a shelving unit in a shock, you have
through the cap, the top, the lid of the Mason jar to the
bottom of it, and then take this and go shoot and screw it in
like a light bulb so that they hang like under the thing.
Okay, this thing I've ever seen very pit was very pinch.
Like I hate now that I've thought of that like that, is
that That would do really well on Pinterest because it was done
in like this shop of a person. I really respect.
And I was like, wow, that's evidence of his genius
interests, like a whole section of my brain is going to explode.
Eric our producers telling us that we have to move on.
Cool. All right.
Well I wanted to actually do. So, how did you get that?
You got diagnosed way later than I did.
I got diagnosed twice once when I was 50.
Really? Yeah, well, yeah, well, it's
like I said, most once when I was 15 and then again, when I
was 20, Two, I think yeah, I'm 26 now and they were very
different experiences. Like when I was 15 I got
diagnosed. Well for one.
I like I kind of knew because my dad is very bad ADHD.
And one thing we know about it is that there's a strong genetic
component and my dad has like obviously it's like it's very
clear and it's awesome. He's rad.
I just I was just going to say like he did this graphic and
have the bill like and it's going to be the magic show
graphic that he's going to do so excited for it.
But yeah, so I was kind of new and so getting diagnosed was
just basically I mean frankly it was it was it was because I
wanted to just get me get medicated I want to do to do
something in my brain like getting medicated was the answer
because I was like 15 was sort of a point where like I this is
going to be those pretend but like I intellectually sort of
like woke up and was like oh shit, the stuff we talked about
in school is like awesome you know, which is necessary that it
hadn't happened before but I sort of it all sort of came
together where I realized like oh my gosh the stuff that is
around me is super interesting and it's my whole job just to
learn it like that's what I was like that's what it's here for
is for me to like learn it and if I won't learning it and can
prove it then I get to learn even more crazier awesome stuff
like in Just whoa. And so it started to like where
I really wanted to study. I really wanted to do the
reading and wanted to do the homework and I always sort of
figured that I could focus if I wanted to.
I just didn't want to so I didn't.
And so when we would do like a portion of the reading of
something and book and then they would say like all right, your
homework is to finish inside. Go home and try to fit like it
just couldn't happen which and it's a weird.
I mean if you if to those watching, if you have any HD or
company have an HD, you're familiar with the feeling of
just the like it's like your brain is vibrating and well
certainly it's a thing of like a washing machine or dryer that's
on the spin cycle and and it simply as I can, it's
imbalanced. There's like something often it.
So it goes that was for the visual effect, that's kind of
what it feels like. We're like I wanted to do the
reading and I would start Ting, but the more like as I was like,
okay and focus. Now, my brain just sorted and
like, all I had to go. Oh, God, who poof and like, do a
thing or whatever. Like, go to the other room and
get a snack or like this. And we'll go okay.
Now, okay, seriously, this time I would sit down and I'm like,
and I'm like even to think about it now.
It's like, oh my gosh. And the frustration of really
wanting to folk but being seemingly.
Additionally incapable of doing it was it was frustrating for
immediate reasons that I wanted to do the thing that I wanted
that I was doing. But also I mean there was there
was an absolutely still is just a really terrifying sense of
powerlessness of helplessness and and get and realizing that
this is something that I couldn't control.
There's this that like I can't control this.
I can't all the Years where I was like, oh I could totally
focus on that. I just don't want to that had
been shattered now, it's like oh I can't focus just
constitutionally like even him if I want to.
And so that just scared me to the point where it's like, okay,
I need to do something about this and I always knew that HD
existed. Anyways, so, yeah, I got
diagnosed it's like to start the process of fixing that but when
you see, how did you spend your 15 now?
And this is something that I don't know.
You get this question a lot, but I get this question a lot from
people who watched me on Tick Tock is I'm 13.
I'm 14, I'm 15. I don't know how to have a
conversation with my parents. I'm too embarrassed to talk to
my doctor. Like, what should I do?
Like, how did you go about it? Like, did you just talk to your
parents about it? Did did your parents notice
like, how did how did that go down to you remember?
Yeah. Oh yeah.
Well, so the story is I'm going to get, I'm gonna be real honest
about it, but the story is, I got an Adderall from a friend of
mine. mine and I, Didn't this and this was after I had that
that moment / those moments less that whole period of like
freaking out realizing I'm like oh my God.
You know the reason I have been focusing his whole time is not
because I didn't want you it's because like it seems that I
can't. Yeah.
So this was after like during that time I one of my friends
just to offhandedly I won't say his name and he was I mean he
was doing it to get high. Definitely no question and he
kind of thought it was cool that he was doing it to get high.
So anyways he was very Vociferous about it.
And so I heard they had it and I used every excuse to use that
work and so I heard that he had it and so I was like, I can I
and the answer. Sorry, I got some from him and I
took it and it was way too much. Of course, it was because I
didn't think I was doing it was I don't use numbers because I
don't want. I'm genuinely I don't want to
influence anybody to do or not. Do it like yeah.
I mean it's not it's not a good idea.
Idea to do it this way but I think it's also important.
I think it's really important to acknowledge that like for a lot
of people that is their introduction to how Adderall
works. Is they get it illegally, they
get it from somebody else and like, that's okay.
But like you don't want to do it for that very reason.
Like that's why it's dangerous is because it comes in all
different, you know, dosages and all different like extended
release and quick release and all of that stuff.
And so it's like you need to make sure that you're talking to
your doctor but like in this moment, It's fine because you're
telling a story like this is what actually happened.
Yeah, I mean, I can't stay. I don't like explicitly enough
that like did don't do this. Don't do not.
Do not, do not, do not do this. Just don't do it.
I want to sit here and like, think of like a whole, like,
lecture for why you shouldn't but just don't, don't don't do
it being you do in terms of medication should be through
your doctor in the proper Channel.
But that being said, this is what happens.
Yes, we got from my friends. It was too much and I took it
and I took in the morning before school, like I did like enough
research to, like, find out how much how long it would take to
kick in? Should I eat before it?
Like because I was doing it to see what would happen for like I
mean this this is the thing that treats the thing that is like I
mean I can't overstate how much I was sort of freaking out.
I mean not like I wasn't like throwing over tables.
Internally, I was like oh my gosh like all the things that I
want to do with my life are now completely called into question
because now I know that no matter how much I want to do it,
I still probably won't be able to focus when it when the time
comes to do whatever which was I mean was just a shattering
thought. Just a shattering thought to my
like understanding of myself and my ego, not like my ego.
Haha, look at me, although sure, but just like my sense of self
and what I was Up to. So anyways, this was like just
just, you know, I was doing research that you shouldn't do,
you should go through your doctor, you can do all this with
your doctor and it's do that. But anyways, so I was doing this
to, you know, see. And so anyways, I took it about
a half an hour before my first class and and I so I walked and
walked into class was German class.
And I just remember sitting there Our and it was just kind
of quiet. Like it was its it perhaps it's
cliche to say a fog cleared but it was just kind of quiet like
there was just like what what's happening?
They're like oh we're discussing you know conjugation oh
interesting like all of a sudden it was just like Oh hello.
Like holy like the I didn't really care.
Like I was aware. It's not like I was debt like I
was aware of what was going on, but it was just like this and it
I mean it was I don't know. I mean, it might, I mean, I'm
using a friend. I'm borrowing his phrase from
somebody else who had a similar experience, but it felt kind of
like I was meeting myself for the first time, which is not
something, I subscribe to fully. That's not to say that.
Like my medicated self is my truest self or anything like
that, because I haven't thought about it that much.
But but her enough, I guess, but it was like, wow, the things
that I want to focus on. I can focus on which was just
incredible like I could put. And then I went to like my next
class was painting and we would do like four days a week of act
like we would be painting and then one day a week of studying
art history and stuff which I've always found fascinating but
I've never been able to like sit and read a book about it or like
watch a lecture on. It was just sort of like I would
listen to 15 seconds of something.
Before I got an uninterested in like turn to something else but
I sat there and I was like whoa like Cezanne is cool, you know?
And like I got to listen to the whole thing and I still remember
things. Learn in my class today.
But then as you know, it was too much.
So, you know, amphetamines work by raising your tonic dopamine
levels in your head to regular Levels by either increasing the
rate at, which is secreted or decreasing the rate at, which
it's really up to hook into your brain, which I think, you know,
but sure, let's say it for the viewers at home, use at home.
And so for a time, while it was sort of kicking in those
dopamine levels, reached And then after that, they reached
higher than average levels, which is what people who don't
have any HD, that's what it does to them all the time because
their dopamine levels are already normal.
And so if they take it, EHD meds, it's raising their
dopamine levels to unnaturally high levels.
So for me, low dopamine, then, as it was kicking in, there was
a period of like regular dopamine levels.
And then elevated troponin levels.
And I, at that point, I I mean I wasn't like, like I didn't get
hyperactive it He's just in my head but I was sort of like
suddenly unable to focus on things and suddenly just like to
interested in everything and it's like it was sort of a
weird. It was like this reversal.
If there's this moment was like, whoa and then what and then you
know, which is a whole thing, which is another I mean, one of
the reason why the only the way to do this is in a controlled
measured setting. The, the ways that, you know,
ADHD medications are different than like elicited better means
is that like elicit amphetamines illegal Amphetamines, they just
crank up the dopamine excretion of your brain like all the way
or they completely closed off the radio, which and so you just
go. Whoa, there's eating its
demands. Do it in a very delicate,
measured way. If you take it at Ellicott
measured way, that's like the whole thing.
And so anyways, at that point I really like, oh shit, there's
something to this but also, this can go really wrong.
And then the crash, I had later that day was This was November
9th, 2009 and remember the day was a fucking weird bad.
It was. Yeah.
But anyways so that's how I got my degree but I was 15 in the
mitigate the diagnosis process was extensive because I don't
want to just give those meds to underage people willy-nilly.
At least they didn't that this was 10 years ago to so things
may have changed for people that age.
I'm not that age anymore so I don't know.
Well yeah there was an extensive process.
Yeah, you got medicated when you were 32.
I mean today, put it up when I was 30. 30.
Gotcha. Yeah.
And mine was like the least not complicated process ever.
And I think it's probably because I was like an adult, you
know? But like I I mean mine it was
actually really kind of similar to you a little bit but
basically like I was in a, I was in, I was working for
Shakespeare company and they were doing Three shows in rep
and I had been cast as a lead in every single one of the shows
don't want to brag but which Shakespeare, if you're a lead
you have a fuck ton of lines like that's just that's just the
nature of the Beast. The bigger part, the more you
talk except if you're playing Lavinia but I'll rant about that
later. And so basically like I I was
just I was really stressed out. I was in this really like weird
transitory period of my life anyway because like I had just
moved. I was I was not even married at
the time I was I was in the process of getting married we're
like planning wedding from like long distance and it was just my
life was a mess and I was like just falling apart around me and
I was just watching everything crumble and then I was like I
say I remember very vividly. I don't remember the date like
you but like I just I sat down and I was like, okay, here I go.
I'm gonna memorize my lines. Lines.
And like, I read the first line, I was like, okay, first line,
memorize great then. I went to memorize a second line
and I was like, so you my memories great, let's put them
together and I was like, wait, what was the first line?
And I was a call weird and then I did it again and then I did it
again and then I did it again. And then I and then five and a
half hours later, I was still working on the same monologue
and so I just had this very real moment where I was like it is
three weeks until the show. I don't know any of my lines
like I'm fucked like and it was it was it was fear and it was
like this very real very profound fear of like this isn't
just like, oh no, I'm gonna get a bad grade.
Raid on a test like, this is my professional reputation.
This is what I do for my job. This is the thing that I have
learned and dedicated my life to and I defined myself by and it
is my pride. And and the thing that I love
most in the world and I can't do it.
My brain is not letting me do it, and that was terrifying.
Now, luckily I have I always feel bad when people ask me this
question, because my story is so, I don't even want to say
privileged but it's I mean it is privileged because I have, you
know, access to Medical Care and stuff, but it's also just like
fortuitous because like I literally called up like the
first psychology group in the area because I was still new to
the area. I didn't know the good ones are
the bad ones called up the first one.
They were like, yeah, we totally got an appointment next couple
days. Come on in.
And I was like, great and I went in and I was really nervous,
right? Because I don't know if you have
this experience. Science.
But but but I don't want to speak for all women, but I think
a lot of women who have dealt with medical problems have this
sort of like internalized trauma about like being believed or
being perceived as like drug Seekers or like that kind of
thing. And I had literally just come
off of like a huge medical emergency.
Like I just got in for surgery like it was just like my life
was a mess. So I went in and I basically was
like, um, so I have trouble focusing and paying attention
and I realized like as I was talking, I was down playing like
I was apologizing for being there.
I was down playing my experience.
I was downplaying my symptoms and I was like, yeah, I mean
it's not like a big deal except that like, I have a little bit
of trouble, like, Memories in my life and I, I had this very
profound memory of like my doctor who is amazing and she
also has ADHD and she is like experience the same thing and
she looked at me and she goes, it really sounds like you have
like very valid concerned. Are you sure that you're not
downplaying because you're embarrassed about how much
they're affecting your life and I went as a matter of fact, I
am. Wow, yeah, yes.
And and so that was and so that's why I say, like I got Ali
lucky was because not only, did I find a doctor who believed me
but I found a doctor who is around my age?
Who is also like a gifted and talented student who has had
many of the same life experiences as me who also was
diagnosed with ADHD much later in life who got through grad
school who got through medical school and so she I think really
understood like you can be super successful and have your life
falling apart around. How do you can be super put
together? You can have your life together?
You can have the shiniest social media account ever.
But if you can't memorize your lines and it's fucking up your
life, then that's still a valid concern, you know.
So yeah. And then I got, I took like, a
couple of tests, it took about three hours.
I think. And it was like, just a little
like paper, like little paper test.
It was like, well, do you occasionally experience?
This? And I was just like, yes, has
all the way down, you know. And then they called me on my
30th birthday and they were like, hey, we got your test
results and we've evaluated it. We really think that you know,
it looks like you probably have ADHD and depression and I was
like, no shit. Thank you.
And yeah, so I got medicated and it took about six months to get
my meds like figured out it was like a weird six months, but
yeah. But yeah that's that's that's my
story. What were the what were the
paper? Like so, because as far as I
understand, were like the comment that the current way of
diagnosing ADHD, is there two sets of nine questions?
One for hyperactivity in one for an attentiveness and if you get
5 of either one, then you qualify.
Where was that? What happened?
Was that the test. Those are those the test that
you took third tries to chart mine.
Mine were a lot longer. Mine were like 50.
I think the first one was the first one was out like, It was a
type of test where they don't specifically tell you what they
are testing for. But if you know anything about
every anything and you use your critical thinking skills, you
can sort of like ascertain what their screening for.
So the first one I yeah, so the first one I took was like
depression anxiety, and then they screen me for autism and
then they screen me for ADHD. So it went in that order but
like mine were all very much like I mean, it was kind of just
like the DSM checklist like it was just questions, but it was
like, do you, you know, like, do you have trouble paying
attention? Yes.
Like if yes, like, how, how much, like, how much does it
affect your life? Like that kind of thing?
And it was just kind of like, I think it was all like 125, you
know, it was like, always, you know, most of the time never
liked that kind of thing. And yeah, I did.
I think the depression one had like, 25 questions.
I think the autism one had like me.
Maybe. God, I don't remember, it was
longer. I want to say was like, 50
questions and then the ADHD one was, it was honestly, kind of
short. I think it was like 15 or 20 and
it was just like I was just like, yes, like I said, it's to
the point where like that I started like second-guessing
myself, right? Because it's like when you
answer yes on like every single thing, I don't know if you've
ever had this experience but then I was like, oh my God,
they're going to look at this and just like know that I looked
it up beforehand and I know the right answer to say and then
they're going to think that I'm drug-seeking even more because I
answered yes to any Everything. So like should I answer yes to
everything? Like maybe I should answer.
Like sometimes sometimes just to like make sure that like and I
was just like, why is this how my brain works?
We've I think we've created content.
I think I think I mean I'm personally grateful and that you
have like that. I've heard you say the things
that you've said in and I found it very interesting and all
that, but I was just thinking, it's kind of funny that like I
think it's going to its I think it's perhaps just never going to
be a part of this podcast that we're going to have like a
segment that begins and then ends.
Oh not at all. No no it's never gonna happen.
No it's over like food. Now here's the model of the
segment's. It looks like we start here and
then and it's like and it's like to splinters and it's just that
that's how that's how this works.
Yeah. Like that's just being here at
truth is like look, we're never going to get to the end of the
The thing because there is no end to the thing because it's an
infinite cool title card. That was like, Dad.
Are we still dabbing on it? That's the thing.
I thought you were on it, but I've been informed, that dabbing
on. It is not cool anymore, but I'm
bummed because I really liked and ironic dad, like, I just
thought it was really funny. Every time I'm actually dabbed
during my last Shakespeare show, I would just like to come on
stage and dad's room could stay in character and character.
I was also supposed to do the one, the the, what's it called?
The threat like the threading one, what's it called?
The flossing claw. Think that's what it's called.
I was supposed to floss and they had the director literally like
brought in her like Daughter to teach me how to floss.
And I was like, what? I don't understand what is
happening. The three count, it's one two,
three. One, two, three, one I could not
do it. I'm the worst dancer like I'm a
mover, not a dancer and I can barely move because I have no
spatial awareness around my body because I have body dysmorphia
and some terrible dancer. And so, yeah, I was like, oh
God, I have to floss and I just couldn't Figure it out, this
eight year olds looking at me. Like I'm just an idiot is pretty
great. You eventually learn how to do
it. I did.
And then I dropped out of the show the end so fast.
Probably not. They make your dentist proud.
I also am aware that you have a very strong incentive to lie and
say that you can't even if you can.
As I said that was a trap. That was absolutely a trap.
Well, you know what, I want to see you do it.
If you can do it, I can't believe I'm not going to
phosphor you, Eric, I'm not going to floss for you.
I'll do Shakespeare for you. I'll do.
I'll go. I will fucking slum it and and
do Marlo for you, but I'm not going to.
I'm not going to floss for you, my friend.
I draw the line I got to do. The line.
So I'm trying to figure out, like, I'm trying to live like
assemble, like a vector or a spectrum between doing
Shakespeare and flossing, because you'd like, draw the
line somewhere on it. So what where what what, what is
the plot, there's a lot in between.
Is it, is it a? Is it a time-based thing?
Is it to current of a trend or is it to ridiculous of a thing?
I don't know, I don't know. There's there's a lot to
consider and what is that? You, but what is that, the end
of either end of the spectrum, if it is a spectrum, Nicholas
has a scale of ridiculousness. I also feel like there's like a
like spectrums within spectrums because like, I'm definitely
willing to like Drop Like Midsummer or Titus or troilus
and Cressida like, any any time. But like, if you were like, do
some we're, I'd be like, nah, could you do this?
The from Hamlet that I knew him Horatio, I knew him.
Horatio, he's a fellow of Infinite.
Jest, that one? Yes.
Is that it? Is that all you?
Don't know, I know as much as I want to hear as much as you can
do. Last poor Yorick.
I knew him. No shit.
We should know more of this Alas.
Poor Yorick. I knew him Horatio a fellow of
Infinite. Jest of most excellent fancy.
Why many times I used to ride upon his bed.
That's not right at all. It's not even close to rain.
It's fine. Now, I'm going to look it up
because I don't know, I think it'd be cool if you and I during
each episode not even really is a segment.
But just we at some point during the episode or perhaps we edited
them into it just recited a thing that we liked and would
like people to hear, okay? I like that because I fucking
love reading aloud because it's, it's frankly, one of the only
ways that I can like consistently read this because
like I have to maintain where I am, if I'm saying it out loud.
But also they're they're like poems and things that I read all
the time. They're like, I could not
fucking imagine my life without in, like, you know, to be able
to, I think they'll be cool. Okay, so that's our first
segment time for poetry reading with Eric.
Am I supposed to go now? I mean, I don't know, we've
never done this before. It's up to you, but, whatever.
Well, do one of the I've memorized because I want to seem
really cool and interesting. All right.
Yeah, I don't know I guess this is this is the wild geese by
Mary Oliver. Do not have to be good.
You do not have to crawl in your knees for A Thousand Miles.
Through the desert repenting. You only must let the soft
animal of your body. Love what it loves.
Tell me about this Fair yours and I'll tell you mine.
Meanwhile, the world goes on, meanwhile, the sun and the clear
Pebbles of the rain or moving across the Landscapes, over the
Prairies in the Deep trees, the mountains and the rivers,
meanwhile, the wild geese high in the clean blue are are
flying. Going home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely the world offers itself
to your imagination, calls to you, like the wild geese, harsh,
and exciting over and over again.
Announcing your place in the family of things.
That's it.