Hey everybody, it's me. Katie asaurus and welcome back
to infinite Quest. This week's episode begins with
a fruit snack warning because we are talking all about consent
and neurodivergent see. And as the title implies we
think consent is important. And so we just wanted to let you
know that this week's episode is going to feature topics of sex
and kink and that kind of thing. And so if you're not in a place
where you want to listen to that right now, Now, that's totally
okay. We'll be back next week with
something a little bit more PG. Before we begin we've got a
couple of announcements for you and this week's announcement is
pretty damn exciting. We now have enough information
together to announce our 2020. 1/20 22 tour schedule.
I know we're going to be kicking things off at play on con which
is sort of a cross between summer camp and Convention and
we're going to be doing DragonCon and geek be confessed.
And a couple of others that we are still sort of like in the
Works on. So if you head on over to input
a quest, podcast.com there is a new page called tour dates and
you can check that out to find out where we're going to be and
what panels we're going to be hosting.
We're really, really excited. This is a huge step forward for
us at infinite Quest and it really means a lot to us to be
here. So again that's infinite Quest.
Podcast.com look for the tour dates page and now without
further Ado, let's talk about neurodiversity and consent.
Transition. Hey everybody.
Welcome back to infinite Quest this week on infinite Quest.
We were talking all things consent Enduro Divergence e.
And as it happens we have a world.
Renowned sex pert. And generally all around.
Fabulous human being study Megatron.
Hello study Megatron. Hello, how are you both?
Super good. Super good.
It's crazy seeing your face. Not on a tick.
Tock like taller than it is wide screen, right?
I'm sorry. To seeing you all over
Tick-Tock. But now it's a whole new New
Dimensions likes books, very strange.
I like it. All right.
Well sorry Megatron, we're here because I'm just going to
continue to refer to you by your full name the entire time.
It's not weird at all. I had thought I doing this
little Blissful here episode on consent.
Um and as it happens you are a very very knowledgeable person
when it comes to sex. Do you want to tell people a
little bit about who you are and what you do and how you came to
be on the cover of Of all the cool things.
Yeah, whatever model study Megatron here talking on the
podcast. It's been a year, I tell you.
So I mean it's been a decade. I host an executive produced and
created my own TV. Show sex with Sonny Megatron on
Showtime. I host the American sex podcast
that just one it's very first award, the eighth grade.
Yeah, I also do another podcast called open deeply.
What else do I do? Lots of stuff.
I teach classes that you know Back when we could travel, I go
all over the country and teach at different events and I was
just recently on the cover of Sexual Health Magazine which I'm
still like what. Huh what?
Huh. And I got a big old trophy.
I won sexpert of the Year this year so it's it's been a time.
So when we say that you know, we have brought in an expert like
we weren't fucking around with that.
Like you like top-of-the-line we are so just it's just soda
Megatron. Slumming it here.
In it for the quest by we even have to open the magazine.
We were just in the checkout line.
Sex is great. Boom her right there.
That's the well. Okay, so obviously a really big
part of like sexual education and intimacy and all that good
stuff is consent. And so we thought we would take
it to experts, not even struck to ask this in.
Imagine what what's consent? What just is consent as a
concept, it is Is everything. I mean like you said in Sex and
relationships and, you know, kinky things but also just in
everyday life if we were to see each other in person and I were
to be like, oh my goodness, Katie I want to give you a big
hug and I just like go for it and you're just like, I don't
like people. I'm not.
So these Concepts that we learn about Force acts, really apply
to everything. So consent is, is letting people
know or establishing before You do something that is out of the
norm, whether it's touching them, whether it's something
sexual, that's, maybe new and you haven't done before.
To make sure that that's okay, whether that's getting verbal
consent, which is usually the best because it's not as open to
wrong interpretation. As non verbal consent, but non
verbal consent is a thing as well.
I think Eric froze. Up, you did not.
You did not have my consent, is it that obvious?
We get a lot of questions specifically asking people they
don't know how to bring up the idea.
Have consent either in the moment or out of the moment.
And I was wondering, how do you, what advice do you have for
people who just really want to bring up the concept of the
consent with their partner? Want to make sure they really
have their consent policies, nailed down in their sex, life
in their everyday life. Well, there's a number of
different approaches, like there's no one white right way.
But I know a lot of people they think consent isn't Sexy.
I kind of hate it when people go consent.
Oh sexy. Like I've got is necessary.
But when can son is very awkward and like robotic and may I touch
you here. Now may I kiss you with my
tongue like it doesn't have to be like that often times, you
know, let's say you're in a sexual situation with somebody
and you want to know, if you can, you know, kind of semi
roughly, but sexy roughly push them against the wall.
Wall and, you know, tear their shirt off off of their head.
You could say to them in a really like make it part of your
dirty talk. Like what would you think if I
pushed you up against that wall and I took off your shirt, do
you want me to do that? You know.
And they're like oh that's okay then beg me for it.
I want to hear you beg me for it so you just made consent sexy
even though that's cliche making confront sexy but you just did.
That's it, that's it. You all like, kind of Frozen.
Real life is like creating a mood.
Here is something Buddy to know that Eric is blushing so hard,
very funny. It is very funny to be.
Um, so you're right. You, you are and that's one
thing that like, I really like talking about to is ways to
incorporate consent into like just life and seen pink and all
that good stuff. But Sookie, this is a thing that
I'm just really excited that I get to ask you because I look up
to you so much. What does, what does good
consent look like? Because that's something that is
always sort of interested me. Is this idea of like?
Yeah, sure it's fine. Like that doesn't out like seem
like right. But I don't know how to like
start that conversation about like what is good consent versus
like? Okay kids.
Yeah. And again, this is one of those
things where there's a gazillion different answers And there is
no right answer, part of, it depends on the sexual subculture
here in. You know, I, I Delta Phi as a
king Stir. It is built into our framework
that we sit down with pens and paper and like check off boxes
and have all these just hard words.
There's so much homework factly, is it?
But if you were to go on a vanilla date and you did that,
people would be like, what the hell is?
Yeah, with you however, some of the, the The principles of
consent are starting to seep into the vanilla Community which
I really like. So I in the day and age of the
internet, always say, use the internet as he or she is.
Hey I saw this Tick-Tock video about consent or I saw this blah
blah blah. And I learned about a thing
called a yes, no. Maybe list these are really
freaking helpful. So a yes no.
Maybe list is a list of Bunch of different activities and it even
if you Google, yes, no. Maybe list you'll get a bunch of
different ones and there are some that are made more
specifically for the king Community.
Like can I pee on you and hit you with spoons?
Like if your vanilla dating, you probably don't want that list,
okay? And then there's another list
that's, you know, more geared towards vanilla activities and
you go through each thing. Maybe it's the French Kiss
thing, anal sex. Yeah, whatever and you right?
Yes, I really want to do that which Which means I may be, I've
never done it but I'm super curious and I am all-in or I do
that every Tuesday and that's my jam.
Maybe is hmm, I'm a little apprehensive but I'm also really
turned on. I would like to try that but
only under very specific circumstances where we can
really talk about it like balls in my court kind of thing
Potter, no pun intended And then notice exactly and then know
it's hard limit. Absolutely not.
I never want to do that. Don't ask me to do it, do not
even a consideration. So as a person, as a sexual
person, go find a yes, no, maybe list even if you don't have a
partner and fill it out yourself because the first person that
you negotiate consent and boundaries and desires and
limits at all. Those things with is yourself,
if you don't know exactly how you feel about certain things
when you get into a situation with a Partner whether it's a
more passive can set, like it's just kind of happening in the
moment or you're sitting down with a piece of paper.
You might legit, not know what your answers are because you're
not self-aware enough to have done that examination first.
So, I recommend everybody who is in any way, shape, or form
sexual kinky whatever. Go Google.
Yes. No.
Maybe list and the one at yourself and start doing that
self work. And then with a partner, it's
like, hey, I heard this podcast infinite Quest they were talking
about this. Yes, no maybe list Banger.
I saw Tick-Tock or whatever you want to do it, just for shits
and giggles. You want to fill one out and
when you do that those those things on the list and I'll sex.
But whatever I said, French kissing by The Blob balls in
your court, whatever the things are going with.
You can use those as a jumping off point for, okay?
You're into French kiss it, what kind of French kissing you know
in what scenarios or what kind of anal sex?
What kind of safe sex? What kind of lube, what kind of
you know, what are the details? So it's a great you know, base
consent conversation that gives you props so you don't have to
feel like you're trying to make it all up as you go.
Yeah. Yeah.
I think it's I just had a whole like fantasy image thing.
We're like one partner in a relationship really wants this
one thing but the other partner hasn't really come around to it
yet. But then one day like on their
anniversary and the partners comes home and there's a red
little letter in it and they opened the letter and say yes
no. And the thing is now checks, TS
and they're like yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Which sort of brings up one way to make incense sexy, you know
you get a nice really nice cryptography on a.
Yes. No.
Maybe she, you know, it could make a nice now that wax,
stamped like, oh yeah, finding it together.
What has happened? It's an ADHD Punk.
Guess we could totally as our next point, which I think a lot
of people with ADHD ask us about love you, with ADHD have brought
rejection sensitive dysphoria so they latch hard on, two things
of rejection and in ruminate on it and I think a lot of times
rejection sense of dysphoria can make someone hesitant to
retract, consent. And so, I was wondering if you
could speak at all to the fact that you can take back and sent
at any time. Instant isn't this blanket?
Thing that just last for all time absolutely.
Like I could agree to French kissing an anal sex and balls in
my court. And then right before we're
about to do it or maybe we're halfway through it.
I'm like I am not feeling this and it is absolutely okay to
revoke consent at any time. Just because you said yes just
as you said yes, five minutes ago just because you said yes,
yes last Tuesday doesn't matter. Consent is revocable and this is
where like with the with the rejection sensitive dysphoria, I
get it. It I get that.
It's we have all these Frameworks and we're like, of
course, consensus revocable or in Kink of course you can call
your safe word at any time, and it doesn't mean anything but you
know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, logically, we know this,
but when we're in the moment and there are emotions attached,
suddenly, we feel, oh, am I going to make my partner up at?
Are they going to think? I don't like them.
Are bigoted. It did that is that and all the,
you know, all those things, which can prevent us from
Choking our second side, calling our safe word or whatever.
And if you know that about yourself and again, self
awareness is the first step, you need to know that about yourself
and maybe the solution to that is having good emotional rapport
with your partner and to let them know, this is an area.
I have a problem with, I know the logic, I can tell you.
Oh, yes, of course, I'm good. But when I'm in it, Maya,
Emotions, take over, and I'm in a fog, and I can't.
So maybe that partner to help compensate for that, we'll check
in more with you, you know, are you sure?
And that just are, you sure wants not just a passive like
are you sure but keep checking in or keep building in like
opt-in option. So I want you to I'm not going
to do it until you beg me. And then if that partner is even
if the Like you're still like I'm gonna do I'm gonna beg
because if I don't think they're gonna think I'm but maybe, you
know, your partner well enough to be like, you know, they don't
have a hundred and ten percent commitment and enthusiasm in
their voice. Like something seems a little
off, even though they're saying, they want it.
So it may be in that case, for that partner to take the reins a
little bit more and to help guide their partner in really
making those like smart. Art consent decisions.
Like, is this what you really mean?
And, again, there's no framework for this every situations,
different, every person is different.
You need to figure out what works for year.
You and unfortunately, figuring out what works for you.
Involves a lot of trial and error and trial, and error is
going to involve mistakes. Like that didn't work like that
was bad, you know. And that's just something that
you have to work through together.
And then, I mean, really that With so many difficult things
that relationships not just consented that X.
So, yeah, yeah, I've I love that you said that, because that's
something that for really long time, I would try and do because
that's something that I really struggle with.
And so, I would tell my partner's, I'll be like, just
so, you know, like sometimes, like in the same, like, I get
like it gets awkward and they're always like, yeah.
But it was like, it was only when I started finding people
who like truly, like, Respected me for who I am and like
understood me and like, took the time to get to know me.
Did I find that I had Partners who are willing to put in that
work. And so what I think is really
interesting about what you're saying is that like it's not
just about consent in the moment.
It's about spending that time and and building that Intimacy
in that, respect for your partner, that I think can be
really powerful but that kind of leads me to my next question.
It was just a dramatic segue I will never know what I was
wondering is Art. This is a very weird way to ask
questions. Like are there things about
consent like the idea that it's revocable at any time that you
just wish more people just inherently understood right off
the bat. When you're having a
conversation about consent about negotiation and boundaries, you
know, one, the revocable thing I think is a huge people Don't
realize you can revoke it anytime.
Yeah. Another thing is not only do we
have to practice saying no being confident in our node.
Like, you know, they say you can't be confident in your nose
unless you're confident in your yeses as well.
You know, but we need to practice hearing though and
being told now and not internalizing that that's
rejection of us or not automatically.
If we're talking, No to go to. Well, why it doesn't matter why
they said no and if you start going into well why but what is
it? Then you're you're you know, on
that slippery. Slope of, are you going into
coercion here? Are you know, so that's
definitely something. I wish more people knew and I
think that just the consent isn't easy.
We have lots of consent conversations, whether it's
vanilla sex, whether it's paying Think whether it's even, you
know, a more Progressive school districts, they talk about
consent to kids, and not just in a, you know, sexual or dating
manner, but just consent injured.
Like, you know, Auntie Bertha doesn't have to hug you if you
don't want kind of thing. Yeah.
Um, that consent is not simple. It's not like the acronym fries,
you know, that was consent is freely given reversible,
informed enthusiastic and specific.
It's by oh cute. We got a cute actor.
It's not as simple as an acronym.
It's very nuanced. It's going to be different with
every interaction, with every person.
And we have to have the emotional intelligence, the
respect for our partner and to put our ego on a back shelf.
When we're dealing with those things and, you know, look at
America, are we all capable of doing that?
That might be a whole new conversation but you know is our
problem. Do you, what advice do you have
for like, okay, in a scenario where you have heard a know
you've been told to know by your partner, what advice do you have
for opening up that conversation?
Maybe about the why? But like, not in a gross way.
Like if you're concerned about your partner or you want to know
or like hey can we have a conversation about like what
went wrong like do you have advice on how to do that in a
way? That is supportive and kind
rather than like well maybe I'll change your mind if I ask you
again. 10:47 more times? Yeah, exactly.
So one is in the moment, take the know as a flat now, no wise.
No, let's have a conversation whatnot in Kink.
You know, we have, after a scene that we do after Kiki thing, we
have Aftercare and then after after care is our debrief.
And that's where, you know, we're not in the moment, we're
not in the bedroom or whatever, we are very far removed from the
situation, both, physically and emotionally And we can sit down
and talk, like, hey, what did you like about that experience?
What what did you wish? Maybe there were more of.
Are there? Things that I didn't do that?
You wanted me to are there things that I did do that you
didn't want me to. And that's when you can ease
into that conversation of, you know, how did you feel when
maybe I wanted to do XYZ and you said no, can we talk a little
bit more about that? So, you're on neutral ground.
It's clear that you're not. Asking these questions as a
means to coerce or get them to change their mind.
But more of a means to get to know them deeper as a person and
what makes them tick. Hmm, that's really interesting.
I think the speaking of the intimacy of consent and all
that, I think one of the more violating things that can happen
is when they when it, when it feels like there's a breach of
consent. And I know that there are
moments that can happen where Two people that love each other
very much respect each other very much because of a
miscommunication, one of the partners, feels that consent was
breached that's terrible, but even if the breaching partner
didn't intend to denote, and I was wondering if you have any
advice for bringing up with the partner after an experience
where they felt consent was breached.
How do you bring up with your partner?
Hey, when this happened, when you did this, I don't feel that.
I, that I sufficiently consented to that happening.
How do you have that conversation?
Ation. That's a hard conversation and
it's very situational, you know, in situations like that.
Like we have our, our logic brain and our emotion brain.
And in situations like that our logic brain in our motion, brain
become one and it's really hard to differentiate.
Like let's sit down and talk about the logic of this versus
either. You know, I feel like you hurt
me and then the other person thinks I feel attacked or
misunderstood because that wasn't my intent.
How could, you know? And now I have all these
feelings about that. So one to just realize that,
like emotions and logic, like the facts of what happened are,
two different things that intent doesn't equal impact.
Like, you could have had the best of intentions you could
have thought that you followed, their like negotiation plan or
their concept plan. But you Misinterpreted something
and and even though you did it mean to do that, it's still
happened. And your partner is still
hurting. So like there's the shelving the
ego, you know, on the consent or The Accidental consent violators
part and you know if it's a delicate dance it's a delicate
step by step. But again how would a couple
handle that in any sort of argument, you know, maybe I
asked To take the lasagna out of the oven at 8:30 and you didn't
hear me at all. And you just didn't do it in a
burn, or maybe you thought I said, 9:30 or whatever.
Nobody had malicious intent, you know, nobody, you know, was
purposely wrong but this thing still happen and you still need
to figure out how to work it out.
So it's the, it's the same framework, it's just sex and not
lasagna. Can I get that?
It could be sex with lasagna, you know, I'm not gonna oh man.
So okay. Well then so we're kind of
coming to the end of our time together and I'm very sad
because you're so smart and wise.
So I've to kind of wrap up questions.
The first one is content can be tough and and and having these
conversations can be tough. Do you have any like Suggestions
or like I don't want to say like exercises because that seems to
like clinical but just like ways that people can practice giving
and receiving and, you know, rejecting yeses and NOS in a way
that like supports the relationship and can like keep
people safe. Mhm, practice it whenever you
can outside of the bedroom, whether that's, you know.
Hey would you like me to do? Do this and you really like
don't but maybe your default would be like, well, I guess you
can but that's okay but maybe I don't really need but if you
really want to like, learn to be like no no no and it's really
hard and it's scary and but if you practice it in little more
benign moments, you can work up to it.
And if you're practicing and you're working on that and
you're you've consciously talked about that with your partner
like Hey, this is something we need to both work on.
You can do almost little role-plays that anytime, you
know, or if you know that your partner has problems saying no,
and it's a very benign thing like hey do you want me to get
you another slice of lasagna and even though you don't want to
you're going to say yes, just like with you made it.
I don't want to solve the bird. Now, I don't want it, you know,
and you can maybe read your partner is Maybe Be not really
saying what say, I don't think you really.
I think you want to say no. Like say no to me.
It's okay. I can receive it.
Like, I won't be mad at you reassure that partner and if you
can do that in benign, little ways throughout the day in very
vanilla, default interactions, it's going to be easier to do
that when the stakes are higher and you're in the bedroom.
That's awesome. That's just, that's just the
wisdom. The wisdom.
Big. Big just brought here, weird.
We do not deserve. You just try?
I really think when somebody says no to me.
If I were to ask Katie, if you want some lasagna, something
like that and they say no, that's a really reassuring
feeling for me actually, is that I'm like, oh, they will tell me
know if the answer is no. Yeah, that just really, it's a
really comforting thing. And I, if I could get one people
to understand something about her one, one thing if I could
get people to And one thing about it is that that would be
close to the top of the list. But it's an immensely reassuring
feeling, knowing that a person will honestly give you their
answer when you ask them. What is that?
Andre oh, go ahead. No.
No please please, please consent to know like you mention dries
assurance and that is so important, you know, especially
if you're that partner, who's with someone who knows, you
know, they have a hard time and just If Nuys thing and
acknowledging, when somebody does use their know, like, hey,
do you want a yada, yada yada. And the person says, no.
Thank you. Thank you for taking care of
yourself and saying, no. Like, just that little sentence
from somebody else that recognition and acknowledgement
that you did. The hard thing is everything.
So thank you for taking care of yourself.
Thank you for saying no, is Yeah.
It's everything. Absolutely.
Yeah. I was going to ask one more
question but here please I can see it on your face.
You know, I'm sure that you have been asked this question so many
times that but I'm interested to know what your answer is because
we get asked this a lot and I never know what to tell people
if anybody listening to our podcast is like looking to get
involved in the Kink Community. What advice do you have now that
it's what with it being? Panini season because I used to
be like go to a bunch but now those like kind of don't exist
as much. And so like, what what's your do
you have any cool? Panini Panda, Express advice?
Wow. Well euphemisms for pandemic
change, buddy. So, yes, the pendant pickaninny
Pandey. Whatever has some people for a
loop. Um, the I will tell you what not
to do, don't get involved. Volved one-on-one with somebody
online, or even in person. If you are looking to get into
the king Community, don't jump into a relationship or a dynamic
or find friends. So so what we're doing now is,
you know, the munches and the meet and greets and the socials,
they are a little bit starting to open up because it's summer.
So like there are some cities. If there's a beach they do
outdoor beach, Munsch or I'm seeing Park munches.
So like if you're back, The native and you feel comfortable
doing an outdoor thing, that's an option.
But online there are tons of different communities thriving
online, whether that's you know, you find a class and you go to
that class, then you know who's in the class, what are they
talking, maybe you ask in the class, like, hey, are you all
part of a local community with, you know, maybe you do munches
on Zoom once a week or what not, you know, people are in one
respect or like, oh online, there's not a fate.
You don't know who you're talking to.
Ooh, I lied. And I think online communities
great as long as you know, you're smart about it.
And, you know, you're talking to real people and you hook into an
actual Community. Yeah, with some kind of
tangible, whatever behind it, whether it's an impersonal
community that will come back after the Panini or, you know, a
website and, you know, online classes or whatever.
That's, that's still the best way.
Find your community. Just do it in a day for non
Jeremy way. Yeah.
I do have one. Last question, Katie.
I'm doing it. We ask this in all our guests.
I'm very excited before. We let you go, if you could send
a snap your fingers, magically snap your fingers and you could
instantly play every instrument in the world, master Flip or
snap your fingers in speak every language in the world fluently
and eloquently. Which one would you choose
Instruments? Music Emilio?
Oh, yeah. Well Joyce, yeah.
Hesitation to why? Why is that?
I dabble like, I play guitar and bass and I used to saying and
like I can pick up instruments and kind of played them a little
bit, but I like I'm more of a wannabe musical, genius Prodigy.
Like I wish I could just pick up whatever and start playing it.
So yeah, we should start a band because that's like right where
I am to. I'm like, I know three chords,
it's fine. Yeah.
Well Sonny Megatron. Thank you.
So. Much for being here.
Where can people find you? If they want to learn more from
you and just bask in the radiance of your wisdom and
knowledge? I'm studying Megatron
everywhere. On social media, make it easy as
uny Megatron. Come find me.
I frequent probably like Tick-Tock and Twitter or the
ones I frequent the most, my website Sunny Megatron.com or
American sex podcast. Also open deeply podcast.
I'm also writing a book Book The here, you can look for that.
So yeah, I'm kind of all over just Google.
My congratulations on your book back.
Wow. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
We hope to have you back at some point but we'll talk to you
later. Yay.
Thanks. All right.
Bye-bye. Congratulations.
You did it. You made it to the middle of the
episode. I'm really proud of you.
If that last one did anything for you, you might be a
burnt-out gifted and talented, submissive brat with the price
Kink. You are cool me too.
And if you're a burnt-out gifted and talented to miss Brett with
a price Kink, maybe you want some merch about it.
It's the dumbest out of ever done.
So, Hey, listen, I just wanted to let everybody know that
during the month of June, I have partnered with coffee Wars for I
stand with survivors, which is Group of prominent Kink stalkers
who have gotten together to raise money for survivors of
sexual assault in the Kink Community as a survivor of
sexual assault. Myself by somebody in the
community, this is a topic that is really close to my heart, but
even more than that, my mom prosecute sex crimes.
Like, that's what she did for her job for years and years.
And so, I grew up witnessing the toll that speaking up and
testifying against your abuser can take On a survivor of sexual
assault. It can be really scary and
really intimidating and trauma-informed.
Counseling can go a really long way in keeping survivors safe
and supported during that process.
And that is what this fundraiser is for.
They are raising money to help get the victims to where they
need to be. And then, to also, provide
trauma-informed, counseling for them as they go through the
process. So if you are interested in
supporting that fundraiser, and also getting yourself, Some
sweet burnt out, gifted and talented, submissive bright with
a price King perch. You can get it by visiting
coffee Wars dot Creator Dash spring.com.
That's a lot to remember. So I've also posted a link in my
Tick-Tock bio. If you want to check it out and
I'll also put a link to it on our website as well.
So again, that's coffee Wars dot Creator, Dash bring.com, and
that March will be available through June 30th.
All proceeds are going directly to this amazing cause.
So go get yourself some merch, but I've talked for a really
long time about this. So now back to the episode.
Road transition. We've had sex expert of the
Year. Sunny Megatron ought to give us
a crash course in consent in all things consent oriented.
Now let's listen to two jackasses.
Talk about ADHD, I guess that's cool.
That's a cool team qualified. All right.
Well you know we're we're humans and we have ADHD and we give
consent so like To about this a lot about to keep trying to be
like I'm not I just I don't know.
I'm very intimidated by so many charges, I think she's real
cool. UK has this wonderful sex Kink
ADHD educator that you are what considerations do you think what
do you think of the main considerations are?
When you put ADHD and consent in the same in the same format?
Well, I mean, you said something really smart before we started
recording you jackass. But, but I think what you said
was really smart because what you said, Ed was that consent
doesn't change when you're neurodivergent like the the act
of consent. The need for consent, the way
that we understand consent Like That Remains the Same like and
we are not trying to say that like you get special consent
privileges when you're neurodivergent.
But I think that in conversation with consent, there are a lot of
considerations that neurotypical.
People might forget about or just like not ever think.
To include in conversations where consent is being
negotiated and boundaries are being negotiated and that kind
of thing. And that's the topic that I get
really excited about because and this is going to get sad for a
second. But like, those moments where
like, I've been playing with a neurotypical, partner or
engaging in activities with a neurotypical partner where those
considerations weren't part of the conversation because I
didn't I wasn't educated on my own needs It's those are the
times when like, I've gotten hurt.
Those are the times when I have I have like had bad things
happen to me, and I think that that is one of the reasons why
I'm so passionate about talking about neurodivergent, see and
consent because there are considerations there,
considerations that you have to think about.
You have to keep in the back of your head and it's not to say
that I'm not getting like so boxy, but like it's not to say
that neurodivergent is not. Welcome in the cake.
Which because like yes, absolutely.
There's room in the king Community for everybody, except
for jerks, no jerks lab. But being aware of like time,
blindness and executive function, and task management,
and working memory. And and even just things like
self restraint and how we interact with the world.
When we have a neurodivergent. See, I think that's really,
really important to have sort of like In your back pocket.
As you're having these conversations about consent if
that makes any guidance. Totally.
Yeah. I mean I think the, the
executive dysfunction that comes with ADHD and the time blindness
and the poor task management all that stuff that stuff is
inconvenient. A lot of the times it can be a
really shitty thing to have to deal with in your day-to-day
life. But when you enter the realm of
consent, when you enter a sexual realm, you can really fucking
hurt. So those things can really hurt
somebody. Yeah, like those, Things that,
you know, are a little, you know, and knowing that at suck
in everyday life, you know that are hard to deal with when you
bring those into the realm of consent, your that's some
high-octane situation shit happening right there and
executive dysfunction, you gotta you gotta nail that shit down.
Like, you got to figure out how to deal with your own executive
dysfunction that round because the stakes are high.
Yeah, absolutely. And I think like, I mean, I know
that both of us like as partners and then also like independently
of each other like we We both struggle with time blindness,
which I think is back and that can be if, you know, if I wasn't
aware that you dealt with it, and you weren't aware that, I
don't like that, could get really dangerous.
And in fact, the most injured I have ever gotten in a heavy
impact situation, was because of time blindness.
I thought we had been going for 15 minutes, it had been 90.
Like that's not an exaggeration. And so like I went home and I
was like, oh I I'm in Injured. Cool, you know, but like that,
that's like a real thing that has happened to me.
And so, like, now, I know Having learned the very hard way, like,
I have to say to my partner's, like, I have time blindness.
So like I need us to set like a timer or a time limit or, you
know, I need you, you know, for doing a longer seen, for
example, like you're really good about checking in like every 10
minutes, every 15 minutes whatever but like making sure
that's Really important because if you are you know, if you
don't know your partner that well or something you can miss
physical and even you know, sometimes verbal cues and you
can wind up like really hurting somebody if you aren't, you
know, cognizant of the fact that I can't tell talk.
I'm like, yeah, I think it's I think that's why it's important
to have many different ways of establishing consent, and if
we're tracking consent, So, you probably know obviously there's
verbal consent. You can just say, I consent to
this and actually, I'm never mind.
I don't want to do this, but a lot of times in scenes or not
just in scenes, but just in even in vanilla sex verbally, saying
something out loud is not always like the thing to do in the
moment, but you still need to communicate information and so
later establishing like a hand. Now, that doesn't mean you can,
I all? I am a big proponent of killing
The Vibes if you have, Need to Kill The Vibes.
Yeah. Yeah.
Can you please go get some more Lube?
I just fucking kill the vibe then like not like, you know
what I mean? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean,
always yeah. Of course, I do.
Absolutely. Do not mean to say that, like,
sometimes you shouldn't say anything.
You should always, of course, always say the things that you
need to sexy though. Like it's like that's that's
that's a whole, that's a whole mood.
But I think I see The reason I'm bringing up that having many
options having like verbal cues and physical cues.
I think, the reason, I think that's really important is
because if you're a person who experiences rejection sensitive
dysphoria, the more difficult, it is to communicate the
information that you need to communicate.
The more likely it is that your rejection sensitive for.
He's going to try to prevent you from doing that.
Yeah, absolutely. It would be really easy for
person who experiences rejection sense of dysphoria for their
brain to say, like no, you can't Can't say that right now, it'll
kill the mood or whatever like that.
I mean, it's fucking wrong. You should say something, but it
might be easier to work around your rejection.
Sensitive story. If you know you have many
different options for communicating, what you need to
communicate. Yeah, absolutely.
And, I mean, and that's the thing that like, honestly,
honestly, Eric, Elizabeth good. Like, before we started playing
together, I didn't realize how often I let my rejection sister
dysphoria, get in the way. I've It didn't end like I did
like educate for years about like consent and clear
communication and stuff, but I realized that like there were a
lot of times were like I wasn't being honest with myself and
like to steal something that you talked about on America's Next.
Like I didn't realize it like I wasn't being truthful with
myself about what I liked and what I didn't like them but I
enjoy didn't enjoy because like I didn't want to like let the
other person down I didn't want to like be the fun killer the
fun sucker who is Like I changed my mind or whatever.
And so like a lot of times like especially in my in my youthful
days, I would go along with a lot of stuff that like I didn't
like I was uncomfortable, I wasn't having a good time and it
was because of projections of dysphoria and like realizing how
afraid I was too like I'd like offend somebody or like kill the
vibe or whatever. And now I look back and I was
like what was I thinking, you know, like why would I You
myself such a disservice in terms of suffering through some
truly awful sex for the sake of like like listening to letting
my RSD with and it's like and and so like I feel okay about
saying it that way because like I have been there, like I know
how hard it is, you know, but I think that especially with
consent like the thing that I really had to learn.
And the thing that I really had to sort of internalized was
like, everybody's going to have a better time if you're having a
good time, you know? And it's like the more that you
can advocate for yourself and the more that you can, make sure
that you are getting your needs met the better time to be had by
all, which is like weird. Like it's it's kind of because
like I feel like we're so often. We feel like we have to just
like make our partner happy but it's like no, you can both.
Both get what you need out of the event if you will.
Yeah. I don't know where I was going
with that. I gotta like lots of idiots.
No, he didn't. Uh, I think I mean that's that's
who this is perhaps more commentary on kink in general,
not necessarily just consent, but I think that's one of the
really beautiful things not just about King quote about about
physical Intimacy in general. Is it trains you teaches you
that being honest about what you want, is a gift to somebody
else. It's it helps the situation it
makes them I'm happy. And that's, that's just a
wonderful thing. But you said earlier, you said
earlier about time blindness, you have to tell, you know, tell
your partner. I have a really shitty
understanding of the passing time.
It's an ADHD thing. What are you going to do?
It made me think of the concept of Outsourcing.
So just generally good, not Outsourcing like effective a
circle, but the quarter with like a stopwatch going like 15
minutes milady, Switch to the heavier flogger Austin.
Thank you for our sins but you know I got some student.
I remember I'm not. So that's how long ago was that
I do. Remember speaking Thai - how
long ago was that with Park them couple of months.
But anyways Outsourcing Farkle. Stone inside Outsourcing.
Is it generally a very useful thing to do when you have ADHD
in general? So if you know that you're bad
at something, trying to get somebody else's help to do it,
you know, for example, like my ADHD can not handle emails like
it just cannot. I'll spend an hour and a half
writing the first sentence because I keep switching around
words. It is only.
So I were such a dynamic duo because like I don't understand
it world where you can't just like said that he will but I
can't edit audio for fuck Works. Altogether, not exactly.
There you go. Outsourcing and so in, in there,
In a sexual realm that can run with consent, Outsourcing the
things that, you know, you're bad ads.
The same thing like, hey, dude, I am not going to be able to be
like, hey, it's been a half an hour which probably for the
safety. Stop, you know, saying to
somebody. Just so, you know, something
that other partners might be able to do that.
You just assume that they can do.
I can't do. And so that we need to talk
about that before we go forward because I think time blindness
is, I think perhaps the biggest one I can think of immediately
where the person who the time blind person in the scene or in
the encounter, I want to make make clear that this isn't all
just about cake. This is about.
Oh yeah this is all applicable to just like intimacy and
general. Absolutely.
But I think it's really I just I think it's really important for
a person to know themselves well enough to say like I really
fucking started with this thing and and feel Secure enough in a
relationship where they can tell their partner.
Hey dude, I really suck at. I don't know realizing I don't
know how long it's been realizing.
That was the 45th blogger. Hit in 3 minutes and that's too
many like, I don't know, but just those faster you flocking
pretty fucking. I can build a device Haiti, but
anyways, they have my point is is I think it's important to
know your strengths and weaknesses as well as with your
professors. Partner, so that you can make
sure you're both on the same page about what's happening
because, you know, it can be hard to keep track of things
when you're in order to Virgin in your brain, he's kind of
shit. Well, I think that's also like
just like executive dysfunction as a whole like thinking about
the component parts of executive dysfunction, and again, like
kind of what you said before, how they show up in your
quote-unquote real life are they can be annoying and impactful
and whatever. But when another person is
involved, in issues of consent, arise It can be really tough
because like thinking just very practical, you know, like okay
executive function helps us with planning and task management and
keeping track of stuff and self-restraint and like that
kind of stuff. Which like, you know, if you
forget your credit card at the grocery store, you know, that's
inconvenient. If you forget condoms and you
proceed with the sexual encounter with somebody who has
not consented, To not using condoms because you fucking
forgot them at home. Like that is a profound
violation of consent. And so, having to think about
literally like packing a bag ahead of time, you know, that
kind of thing having to think about things like what has my
like working memory. What is my partner consented to
in the past? How long ago did they consent to
it? Because I mean, a really good
example, I'm going to just be very like on What's with you?
There is a time there was a time in my life Eric I was like
pretty and I was pretty and like degradation like I was I was
like, oh dirty talk me, you know, but then it turned, but
then, but then but then I realized that a lot of that had
to do with like trauma and rejection sensitive dysphoria
and it was easier for me to feel bad about myself, that it was to
for me to feel good about myself.
And when I started sort of like realizing that I was like
allowing my partners to, like further, My trauma as a way of
like, self-injuring, myself. I had to do the work and I had
to have like, the like little conversation with myself, but
like, no, actually, you have a fucking praise Kink.
You've just been doing it backwards because it's more
harmful to you, you know? And so like so things, like all
of that, like wrapped up in this conversation about how executive
dysfunction affects, like my, I don't speak for the group, but
like, my personal sexuality, and what I do and do not, not
consent to and sometimes I changed my mind Eric sometimes a
little ADHD brain goes a little ADHD crazy and you know I'll be
in the mood and I'll be excited and I'll be ready to go and
whatever and then Something happens and I reach my
frustration tolerance, and I'm like, fuck this, fuck
everything. I do not want, do not fucking
touch me and that can be a pretty quick shift.
It's not like a hours and hours, it can be like you know, one too
many minutes on hold or like one too many tasks that emails that
come into my inbox and that gets really frustrating, you know,
and that gets and that and Sir count on me for really Like, I'm
sorry but like it's a podcast. We got that circles back into
rejection folks have dysphoria because it's like, do I be
honest with you or any of my partners and do I say like I'm
really sorry, I'm really frustrated.
I know I said we would beg tonight but like I'm not fucking
feeling it or do I take one for the team and do something that
I'm not going to enjoy? Because I don't want my partner
to feel rejected and ultimately it's way healthier for everybody
involved. If I just be honest, Just say I
like sorry, I the vibe. The vibe has been ruined by
customer service, rather than trying to like make something
happen when my brain is like, no, I don't actually want this.
I think it's really interesting that the language you use.
You said take one for the team has taken a lot for the team.
Will Katie. Who's the team?
Well, yeah, that's what I was saying before.
Like, honestly, like that's one of the things that I was I was
saying before is like, I used to do a lot of stuff that I Don't
want to do because I had this idea that I had to like I wasn't
a good partner or I wasn't a good girlfriend.
If I wasn't like, super excited to bang like posthaste and also
like kind of with time blindness.
Like I like I know we've talked about this on the podcast before
but like I get really embarrassed by how long it takes
me to orgasm sometimes. Like I get really embarrassed by
how long sometimes it takes me to get turned on enough to be in
a headspace. It's to wear like, I'm excited
to bang and so sometimes like the intimacy that I want, and
the intimacy that I need is not sex-based.
It's like touched based. It's intellectually based its
sharing space and sparing spending time with somebody.
Like in that sort of like emotionally and like, may be
physically, intimate way. But like for really long time.
I felt like I just had to be like sex.
Like let's just like I'm ready to go.
Let's have sex like just Not to be gross, but I put it in me and
it's like, but like, especially like with female bodies, like
you can't just do that and it's uncomfortable, and it's painful
if your body is physically not ready to have sex.
But like my rejection sensitive is for you would literally just
be like it all. It'll only hurt for a little bit
like just just, just take the hurt.
Don't say anything, don't make it awkward.
And now I'm like, what the fuck were you doing?
Like you were in physical? A pain because you were having
bad, terrible, sex. And you would rather just lay
there and be miserable then say, excuse me can you fucking cut
your nails or like whatever? Like, you know and it's just
it's so Convoluted. I got through it all like bleeds
into each other I guess is maybe what I'm what I'm trying to say.
Yeah, I was thinking the same thing is it's all very much, so
one big like pile of mud and sticks.
Yeah, although all the weird stuff that has to do with like
my history of with, with like my with consent, like I think back
to in high school like me as a man, I've been taught by media
and books and TV and all that. Stuff that I'm supposed to want
to fuck all the time. I'm supposed to want to have sex
all the time and I should be able to do it at a moment's
notice. And if I can't, then I'm a
fuckup and I should be ashamed of myself which is not true.
Dear listener. Just just one point out, if I
don't know who and I don't know if any of you need to hear this
but that is just the you don't have to do that.
Maybe you are like that in which case enthusiastic consent is
very important. I mean, it's important in every
case, but you know what I mean? But I remember there were times
in high school when I was With a woman and I didn't want to be I
didn't want to be doing this extra time stuff.
Or in most cases, I couldn't do the sexy time stuff because I
didn't want to do the sexy time stuff.
Yeah and a lot of the times it was it was looking back.
It was directly my ADHD. It was you know we were there
was sounded going on. There were textures happening,
there were lights and whatnot, like there was just way too much
going on for me to focus in the moment, but I felt that it was
my duty as a man. An to like perform and B, this
B. This you know what?
I don't know. Masculine silverback gorilla
like haha which I'm just absolutely not.
And there were a lot of times when I didn't take back consent
when I wished I had. Yeah.
When I really wished I had and there are a lot of times when I
did and I was really embarrassed in the moment because it was
high school and was fucking awful.
But I'm very glad that I did. I'm very glad that I did because
It's trained me to be a bit strained, me to value my own
safety. Both physical safety, and just a
mental and emotional safety. I've never, I've been lucky
enough to never feel to have never been in a sexual situation
where I felt I was in physical danger, but it's taken me up
until the past maybe year or so, to look back at moments of
sexual trauma. That weren't necessarily
anybody's fault. Like no party did anything
wrong, but But for one reason or another, I was an honest about
my own headspace and I kept doing the stuff even though I
really didn't want to, because I was, I don't know, I wasn't
worried about judgment from others, I was worried about
judgment for myself, which is very strange because, you know,
being a person with ADHD, there are 47 different trains of
thoughts going on in my head at all times.
And in high octane situations a lot of those are telling me that
I'm a piece of shit. If I don't, if I don't do the
deed, if I don't satisfy This person and yeah, I think, I
don't know, I don't know, say that, I'd like all better now,
you know? But I can vary directly, see, I
guess growth or a journey forming between those times, you
know, when I was younger, when I really wish, I really didn't
want to do the sex Time stuff, but I felt I was supposed to,
so, I did and now were I know more about myself and about, you
know, The sexual World in general.
And I don't know, I that's I think that's why I think it's a
little hard for me to talk about this because I want to do it
right. Yeah.
I want anybody who's listening to this right now to leave.
Hopefully, having maybe a fuller understanding of themselves.
And when it comes to consent because I think having having an
intimacy with yourself, be feeling an intimacy with
yourself, In sexual situation, such that you will advocate for
yourself and your own needs is just massively important for
protecting yourself mentally and physically and protecting your
partner mentally and physically. Well, I think that that's a
really good segue because one of the things that I think you kind
of have been like circling around is the is consent and
conversation with, no, because sometimes can set like a know is
not necessarily withdrawing consent.
It is a What type of concept and so Eric, do you consent to my
telling my friends a story about you as an example?
Oh yeah, totally, okay. So One of the first times that
Eric and I did kinky stuff together.
Eric got a got a little touch to the frenzy and this is also a
story that I told him American sex podcast.
But so basically, if you're not, I was, I was I think I was about
to tell you what is frenzy in case?
Are you learn? And you were literally because
I'm sorry. Okay, okay.
It's a basically frenzy is is big and it can happen.
And again this is not just a cake thing.
This is this is a thing that could happen in a lot of
different spaces and a lot of different places.
But frenzy is sort of this experience of, like, I've gotten
a taste of something. And now, I want more, and I want
more now and I'm gonna do whatever it takes to get it.
And so, in the king Community, a lot of times that looks like
unsafe play or like too much play or like going between like
a lot of different play Partners very quickly in order to sort of
like get as much candy as you possibly can.
And when you have ADHD and you're constantly chasing that
dopamine that can Make friends even worse.
And so Eric got a little taste of the frenzy.
And so when that happened, like I had to look at you and say,
no, like we are not going to play, we are not going to do
anything tonight because it would not be safe because we
played pretty hard yesterday. We're not going to do it again
today, like no. No.
And so like that wasn't my revoking consent to ever play
with you. Again, that wasn't my even
really saying I don't consent to play with you, what I was saying
is like right now, I'm consenting to keeping you safe.
I'm consenting to protecting you as my partner and also just like
a new person in this community that I care deeply about and I'm
not going to do you the disservice of consenting to
something that I'm uncomfortable with because like consent works
both ways, you know. And so like that was really, I
want you to know like I know we've talked about this.
Like literally earlier today like it was really hard for me
to say no. It was really hard for me
because my because I like you like I like you a lot and so
like my rejection sensitive dysphoria was going off and my
like wanting to be a good partner was going off and also
like my frenzy of like you're a cool new person and a cool new
partner. And I really like I want to like
a press you like all it was like hard, it was hard to look at you
be like nah fam like you don't you don't get that tonight.
I'm sorry but like I had To be the person to consent to the
know, in order to keep you safe. And I think that like, being
willing to, like, trust your partner with a know, and trust
like that. The no is a safe thing to give
is really, really powerful, because there's been a lot of
talk. Like, and like, I don't, like, I
just immediately wanted, I just ADHD and so hard, like, a
theremin. A lot of times in my life were
like, I haven't felt safe. Safe to give a know like and I
think like you can feel really safe giving a yes.
But like if you don't feel safe giving a no the same way that
you feel giving a guess like that's a little bit of a red
flag honest. Oh yeah.
And and I think that like that can really contribute to our SD
like if you're not able to say no to somebody, Oh, yeah,
absolutely. I think you touched for well,
for one. I said this earlier today, when
we took, we literally just got off our interview today.
America's podcast go listen to it.
It's coming out on Monday, it's gonna be amazing.
We traded podcast, but but I wanted to just say, really,
really thank you for doing that. I know that must have been
really hard for you to say no to me.
When I was so enthusiastically asking for something just really
Labrador, Retriever like ham. Can we keep going Eric?
Okay. What about how about side walk?
You got it. You gotta spell.
You have to spell certain Kink words around me so I don't know.
Do you want to take the dog on a wal K?
Do you wanna do, do you think Eric would enjoy a fellow G?
But anyway, that's what I was just thinking.
When you said, we know when you're saying no you're not
saying no. So for all time just saying.
No, not right now, I think something that affects me very,
very hard with ADHD is it is sort of a timeline is thing.
Is when things are the case, they are not always the case nor
are they not ever the case of how, what the fuck did I just
say? Well, let's explain it.
Like it's about. Well, if you say, yes, if you
say Eric, if I say, you Katie, do you want coffee?
And you say, yes, yeah, that doesn't mean that you always.
That's a terrible example Eric because I always want, that's
true. Now I'm trying to think of
something else that doesn't have that.
He's like that. I don't always want pizza.
Perfect. Yeah, it was a Katie.
Do you want pizza? You say, yes.
That does not mean that you always want pizza all the time
till the end of time. And the way that my ADHD works
is it does one of two things and I haven't figured out the trend
that decides which one it does, but my brain, when it comes to
stuff, like do you want peace? Pizza.
You know, it either thinks the thing that you said now, is now
always the case. Like note to self, Katie wants
beats all the time, like, if you got PS, if you can get Katie
Pizza, get Katie Pizza it. Sometimes does that in the other
one that it does, is any amount of time that has elapsed after
the initial thing is enough time to make that but thing old
fucking news. So like if you said Eric, can we
do this thing? I don't know.
Eric, it'd be nice if we could. Keep up with the dishes more or
something like that. Sure within a day it's like oh
that was before. I thought that was, that was way
below. That was a million years ago.
That that it wasn't, that's not a thing anymore.
That was, that was forever ago. And I think both of those things
are massively the living fuck harmful when they get when they,
when it comes to consent. Yeah.
It needs to be understood that consent lasts like for the
duration of time that it lasts, and no more.
Yeah. It is not always the case from
now on a no doesn't change to a yes, five minutes later that's
not how it fucking works. And I think with ADHD it, my
brain is very prone to doing that with non sexual stuff and
so with sexual stuff like if you say no to me I need to know I'm
not going to just like try again in a couple minutes you know.
Like it's something we have to be aware of is people with ADHD
that our relationship with time. It's just fucking weird.
Yeah. And I think, like, one of the
things that can get stressful about that though is like, then,
like how do you have sex? You know, like how do you
because it's like, you can't constantly be like this about
you, this still okay with you. This still okay with you.
This don't like it because that's awful, like, nobody wants
that, right? And so, like, the balance that I
think is in the trust. I I think that like the balance
is really in knowing your partner and knowing that like I
trust you to say, no I trust Chris to say no I you know and
you and Chris trust me to say no you know and so it's like
especially in conversation with things like some neurodivergent
people struggle with reading Body Language, they struggle
with reading social cues, like they struggle with that kind of
thing as well. And so, like just trusting the
nonverbal just trusting the The vibe or whatever, like you can't
do that. And so you really and I think,
honestly, it really makes things more intimate because like if
things change in the moment like having the the the ability and
the trust to like look at you and say, like I don't want to do
this anymore, like that's not working for me or whatever like,
that's totally. Okay.
And then on the other side of the spectrum, you know, if you
pull out something that for you, Like old news like well, yeah,
of course. Katie wants Pizza, you know?
And I'm like, oh no. Like I haven't like pizza for
several months now. Like, could we could be tried
tacos and stairs. I don't know, whatever, the 5S
that got weird. That got weird at the end, but I
think like having that trust in the ability to really
communicate with each other and really say like, hey, I'm not
offended, I'm not upset, but like, I'm not feeling pizza
tonight. That's okay.
You know, I think that's a really powerful.
Gift that you can give, you know any of your partners.
Oh yeah absolutely. Why I'm thinking I had this Aunt
who has ADHD and is very successful by the way and I
would love to hear. She has a very interesting story
so possible future. Guest on the podcast, Kill Ya,
but I this aunt, aunt, aunt who is she's very direct, she will
say what she is thinking. If you're like, she's if you're
she's cooking or something and you're standing in the way,
should it be like Eric here in the waist and they're, you know,
or if you like, If your, she will always tell you the thing,
you're never wondering, if you're doing something wrong,
she will tell you and take some getting used to, but she's one
of my favorite fucking people for a million reasons.
But that's one of is when I'm whenever I'm with her, I never
have to worry that she's thinking a thing, but she's not
telling me for somebody. You know.
And that is that comfort, that type of, that's the same type of
comfort. That one feels when one is with
a partner and, you know, that they will tell Tell you the
thing they will tell you. No never mind.
I thought so but actually know when you're with your partner
and you know they will communicate with you.
It takes the burden off of you of having to wonder what they're
thinking and it can really open up a situation to like
interestingly enough focusing on consent and actually make scenes
go further because I do trust you to communicate, you know, is
it to communicate? What's going on with you?
And you trust me to check in with you because you Might
forget to tell me what's going on with you.
Oh my god, Sonny talked about the beginning of the episode.
Like I've like I kind of want to close his like tips and tricks
because I feel like that like boy it sure is hard.
Here is no Solutions right but I have a few if you don't mind my
sharing them got a couple to. Yeah.
Like I mean Sonny talked about about like just honestly
incorporating like active consent in to your seats and
like I mean again. Not just for cake, you know?
Like right, I would you feel if I did this or like would you
like this? But like another really good way
to do that is to literally, just look at the person and say, I
like, I want you to tell me, what feels good what not like,
you know, like you can incorporate those kind of
instructions into the scene. I see you, taking notes, you
motherfucker, shut the fuck up, dude.
Sunny change the game when she when she was like you know you
could say how would you feel like grabbed you by the throat
and threw me up against the A wall.
Like the way that you blushed, when she's in that will live,
rent-free in the back of my head for forever.
I want you to, but you can also. And this is a thing that I feel
like, I feel like, you know, that like Tick-Tock where it was
two guys talking about how important their podcast is.
Like, I just feel like we don't have a, yeah, that's like I
always feel really bad when I started a conversation with
that. But like, you can practice
giving kids set, you can practice receiving and giving
and Taking back consent and you can do it in like completely
non-threatening ways and you can do it in ways that like really
reinforced like, the trust that you have with your partner and
so like, you can sit and you can literally do consent exercise,
its job. Just like may I touch your arm.
Yes, you can. You know, or like may I touch
your no but you can touch my forearm or you can touch my neck
or you could like. And those are like activities
that I literally did when I was doing.
Like intimacy stuff like in theater, those are like this.
Is that like intimacy coaches use because they really help to
like develop that communication of like yes and no.
But like no is okay. And then you think the person,
you know, like you could say like my attention are.
No. Thank you.
And you know with you know we do the same exercises at LARP Camp.
Yeah, I'm doing LARPing stuff because LARPing can get very
intense when you're encouraging, you're doing scenes and so we
would do exercises where it's just, yeah.
Can I touch your forearm in action at some point?
Not but the same with like safe wording, you know, like you can
you can say like you can practice safe wording in the
most non-threatening. Non-sexual way as possible.
You know, like hey, can you go get me a glass of water safe
word? Okay, I'll get it myself.
You know, like that kind of thing where it's like you you
can practice receiving that no or receiving that stop in a
place that isn't going to like make you or your partner.
Nobody's feelings are going to get hurt.
If you don't go get a glass of water you know practicing in
lower octane situation. Yeah and it makes it easier in
the long run especially I think for people with rejection
sensitive dysphoria is a bitch of reduction sense of dysphoria
is that it's like it's always kind of there, no matter how
much you work on it, whatever like that little shitty voice
lives in your head and so being able to like have enough
practice in enough, you know, literal reps of curing a yes or
hearing a no. And having the ability to look
Rejection sensitive disorientating.
No, fuck you, mr. Bimble, like Eric is fine if I
say no, like, I'm not going to ruin everything, he's not going
to stop liking me. He's not going to hate me.
He's not gonna never want to fuck me again.
Like that's really important and I think like, practicing is like
one of the best things that you can do.
Hey is mr. Bimble, the name of the negative
voice in your head. Yeah.
And now I'm up. Its Treasure Island.
Spazie has the mr. Bumble lives in his finger, I
didn't keep my Christ. We have is watching.
Do you want to do is rather than for a nuts block to wash along.
But yeah, really fucking wholesome.
And everybody loves that movie. That sounds great.
Yeah, I'd love to. Let's do that tips and tricks
and trick. Yeah, these are pretty simple
ones but so these are anything super brand.
These are actual direct things to do and they're going to sound
very simple because they are very simple, sometimes.
Good though, in situations, like dude, I think but when it comes
to checking in, it can be really easy to forget to check in
because of time, blindness and working memory shitty and all
that kind of stuff. So having But you can't just set
timers necessarily during a scene.
I mean you could but go for it but you might not want to like
just have timers be going off in the middle of the scene.
So, one one thing you can do and I've done this with you cake.
I did this with them with Beethoven.
Yeah, fuck you over. I was like, at the end of the
movement, I'm gonna check in, but if you have music playing
Just One of the song changes over check-in or every two songs
or whatever it is, but have some reasonably regular interval.
To remind you to check in another one.
I was real. I thought of this last night.
I was like, in bed, I was like, oh my God, that's brilliant.
They make candles with lines on them that burned down in regular
intervals, you light, the candle.
And after 10 minutes, it'll be like the first line and after 20
will be at the second line. So, you know, you said a little
Ambiance Ambiance and you got to look at that.
It's, it's on the third line of the candle time to time to check
in what sounds like light in general.
Like there's a lot of like timer lights and stuff.
Not like an alarm, but it's like the light will flash green.
Exactly. Oh yeah.
Like on your phone, you can turn I use.
I use those alarms, when I'm in public, I don't want my
children, like alarm going off, but I do want it to.
You can just have like, the screen light up vibrate.
So that's a big one for me because that one helps me out.
A lot is just having some form of measuring time during a scene
ordering a, during a sexual encounter to help you.
Help remind you to check in regularly which are like a
million different ways. What can I say?
You on the spot? Yeah, sure.
Okay. Like I know we're running long
but this is just important to me.
But remember when we did the the one about like consent stuff and
I said that there are sexy ways to ask for consent.
Yes. Yeah.
The tear trough area.
A lot of people wanted to know, other examples and I feel like
for our listening audience, who might be considering subscribing
to your only fans perfect, perhaps Eric you might give some
examples of some of some good ways.
Ask for consent. This is definitely for our
listening audience not just for me.
So oh my gosh Katie. All right, I can send I consent
to this. I'll do it.
See, there we go. I'm practicing.
I would, and I want you to know Katie, if I didn't feel
comfortable doing this. I absolutely would tell, you
know, I would say no, you and I would leave it in because I had
these thick so I get living in well, alright, alright, alright,
alright, so these really quick, this is the Classic.
This one's a classic This Woman's a, this one's a standard
issue. It's just a Real quick.
Is that all right with you? Let's go special but it's just a
little it's really, it's pretty good.
It's pretty just a little like I was thinking I was thinking I'd
take you into the bedroom. I want you to lie face down
today. Is it all right with you?
Okay, I'll be in in a minute that kind of stuff.
Yeah, because, yeah, you know, I was really thinking I was
thinking tonight, we could be special, I could cook for you.
Make loading amazed you like her spaghetti bolognese.
Okay, okay. And then if you're up for it, I
was thinking I could tie you to the bed and Eric, Elizabeth
good. This is a family friend.
I'm gonna stop there because I was actually gonna, I was gonna
say, oh, this is all seen, but you can do stuff like this.
God, do stuff like that. I like, how would you feel
about? I mean, uh, Sonny's example was
fucking gold. Like how would you feel if I
just threw up against the wall and fuck your brains out?
Like, you know, you can make it hot.
It's a fun game to play, you know, is it bad that my mirrors?
I was like, please don't. That's how terribly awful.
I don't think I've ever done anything in my life.
I don't know how you fucking somebody's brains out.
I don't think I just, I have a lot of questions about how you
fucked somebody against a wall, do not email me with
explanations. You fuckers.
I just I feel like I'm way too large for that actually be
feasible. It's I it's a height factors in
a lot of it you know you have to have like the right height but
also you gotta have like the quad.
I feel like it's a lot of like quad string on the quads.
Yeah. Image like little also like I'd
have you'd have to pick me up and that's just like an not a
thing. I'm so afraid to pick you up all
the time that because I mean I can totally pick you up at done
it before. But there was one time when I do
Remember the time that I dropped you Katie, do you remember that
one time? You know, if you remember that
but I drive you serious night of my life as you're fine but there
was a little town where we don't know if I would hear from you.
Anyways, I didn't want to think about it, it makes me so scared.
It's okay. I lips.
We went. All right.
How do you want to know what's a funny joke?
You, how do you want to end the podcast?
We want to. You want to do how we got
everybody. Got you guys singer there.
Once was a man from Nantucket whose fucking eyes were so big.
He could suck it. He could suck those.
So Bell, my God, that's not even like
have fun listening to Katy promote conscience.
Good job. No, that was at the beginning.
There's an egg. This podcast is just going to
fade out really slowly and getting quieter.
I don't understand. You want to go play some
Minecraft laughs. Yeah, let's go play some
Minecraft place. I always.
Okay. Well, everybody that's it for us
this week here at infinite Quest.
But before we go, we just want to say one last.
Thank you, too. Sonny Megatron for being here
and for gracing us with her illustrious and wise presently,
just fucking pig Sunny. So goddamn fucking pool.
Like seriously study is just the best, so go check her out,
supporter on all of our social medias.
And before we go, as always, we've got one last important
thing to do as air gets ready to move from California to Georgia.
We've gone from this. Weird place of speaking
conceptually in terms of months to quite literally counting down
the days and we are fantastically excited for this
next step in infinite Quest Journey, if you are interested
in becoming a supporter of infinite Quest, you can do that
by visiting patreon.com infinite Quest.
Also we wanted to let you know that the community spoke and we
listened. And so there is now a dollar
tier available over on the patreon because we get it.
You're not always flush with cash and frankly, neither are
we. And so if you want to leave, you
know, just a little something in the tip jar, at the end of the
month, every single dollar that we raise on the patreon goes to
keeping infinite, Quest accessible and free for
everybody and your contributions.
No matter how large or how not large help us do that.
So if you are interested in checking out the patreon again
that's patreon.com/lenguin it Quest and now as has become sort
of a weekly tradition here on the podcast Just when I said
that, I would write your name into a song If you pledge during
the month of May and June, I wasn't lying.
And so here is this week's definitely written ahead of time
and not at all made up on the spot song.
This week we have some new patrons to think and we are so
grateful for you. So let's start off things by
Falling for our new fanned, Autumn get it because like fall
and Autumn, and also Margaret and jet and Layton and Lena and
Katherine. And also Lauren, I forgot to do
a chord change. Thank you.
We are so grateful for your support and your belief in this
silly podcast that we started, not knowing what it would
become, but goddamn it, if we haven't had fun.
So thank you all. Remember to drink your water.
Remember to take your meds be kind.
To yourself and others, and we'll see you next week.
So, from all of us here at infinite Quest.
Eric and Katie, and Brian have a great week.
Thanks for being here, ad. We love you.