1 00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:03,640 You found us. I'm so glad you did, but I'm 2 00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:06,560 sorry that you had to. So come on into our Widow 3 00:00:06,560 --> 00:00:10,160 circle, where trauma meets humor and we remind you that you can 4 00:00:10,160 --> 00:00:16,320 not only survive, but thrive. This is Every Widow thing. 5 00:00:17,640 --> 00:00:20,400 Welcome back to another episode of Every Widow Thing. 6 00:00:20,600 --> 00:00:24,400 Today's episode was inspired by one of our listeners, Jerry Ann 7 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:29,970 wrote in to us under our Instagram account and sadly she 8 00:00:29,970 --> 00:00:32,890 lost her husband back in February of a heart attack. 9 00:00:32,970 --> 00:00:39,650 She has three kids, 1412 and six, and she is concerned about 10 00:00:39,890 --> 00:00:44,810 the kids remembering and having memories of their dad. 11 00:00:45,290 --> 00:00:50,290 And it brought up the question of how do you keep their memory 12 00:00:50,290 --> 00:00:53,290 alive? Do you keep their memory alive? 13 00:00:53,290 --> 00:00:57,220 Do you think about it or does it just happen naturally? 14 00:00:57,380 --> 00:01:02,140 I have even heard some widows talk about how they don't want 15 00:01:02,220 --> 00:01:07,500 to find another partner for fear that new memories will cancel 16 00:01:07,500 --> 00:01:11,180 out old memories, which I thought was really interesting. 17 00:01:11,340 --> 00:01:13,580 So especially with the young kids. 18 00:01:13,580 --> 00:01:17,360 And I know, Kara, you've talked about it a little bit, how Karas 19 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:20,560 doesn't really have any. And Lacey too, and you have to 20 00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:24,160 manage that and figure out, am I gonna stress about it or am I 21 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:26,400 gonna let it go? Yeah, I mean, I think with 22 00:01:26,400 --> 00:01:31,800 Karas, who was just under five, we just with the big kids and 23 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:35,800 the older kids and me, we just talked about him whenever it 24 00:01:35,800 --> 00:01:38,120 came up. We would try to tell stories. 25 00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:43,000 Remember this, Remember that often in relation to. 26 00:01:43,690 --> 00:01:47,210 Trips we were taking or like you'd mentioned Whitney. 27 00:01:47,210 --> 00:01:52,490 Music or restaurants that we liked or food that he liked. 28 00:01:53,010 --> 00:01:56,730 Just anything funny. I think with little kids, they 29 00:01:56,730 --> 00:02:00,210 like the funny stories. So if there was something goofy 30 00:02:00,610 --> 00:02:05,170 that he did or there was a funny moment that was even about the 31 00:02:05,170 --> 00:02:07,690 child. So my kids like to tell a lot of 32 00:02:07,690 --> 00:02:09,690 stories about Keras when she was little. 33 00:02:10,090 --> 00:02:12,650 And silly things that she did. And then he would just kind of 34 00:02:12,650 --> 00:02:15,890 naturally be a part of the story, I guess. 35 00:02:15,890 --> 00:02:17,730 Sure. And so a lot of it was just 36 00:02:17,730 --> 00:02:20,930 talking about her because talking about him for her 37 00:02:20,930 --> 00:02:24,450 because she was younger. Now that she's older, actually. 38 00:02:24,450 --> 00:02:27,050 Really. Once she got an iPhone, I 39 00:02:27,050 --> 00:02:32,410 sometimes just send photos to my kids every now and again with 40 00:02:32,650 --> 00:02:36,210 them, them and him. You know, if it pops up on the 41 00:02:36,210 --> 00:02:38,330 memory or if something comes up, or if there's. 42 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:43,400 An occasion birthday. I'll kind of pepper my kids with 43 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:47,360 pictures, which, you know, the iPhone is really easy for that. 44 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:50,480 But yeah, I think just talking about it, storytelling kind of 45 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:55,160 keeps memories alive. Photos, photo albums, little 46 00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:59,080 books of I used to make little photo books of like, vacations 47 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:02,840 that we took. Or each child's birth has a 48 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:05,240 little photo book that goes with it. 49 00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:10,240 I do know a lot of people, also their friends would reach out to 50 00:03:10,240 --> 00:03:13,720 the community of of your friends and family and say if you have a 51 00:03:13,720 --> 00:03:17,560 funny story or a memory, can you share it here? 52 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:21,040 And then they created a book for the kids, which I thought was, 53 00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:22,720 yeah, my. Inlaws did that. 54 00:03:23,200 --> 00:03:26,400 I don't mean to interrupt, but my inlaws put that together. 55 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:32,360 I did not have the capacity to do that, but over a period of a 56 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:35,320 couple of years. The company is called Weeva. 57 00:03:36,030 --> 00:03:40,710 WEEVA and I know there's probably other companies that do 58 00:03:40,710 --> 00:03:44,870 it, but they reached out to childhood friends, high school 59 00:03:44,870 --> 00:03:49,950 friends, college friends, work colleagues, and they cousins, 60 00:03:49,950 --> 00:03:53,590 aunts, uncles, people that I didn't even know terribly well 61 00:03:53,590 --> 00:03:59,390 and put together a weave a book. And I have a copy I've never 62 00:03:59,390 --> 00:04:00,630 even heard. Of that I wanna see. 63 00:04:01,270 --> 00:04:03,190 Yeah, I have. I had asked. 64 00:04:03,270 --> 00:04:05,390 I guess a year after his death, I'd. 65 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:09,800 Reached out like on Facebook or wherever and asked for people to 66 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:12,280 e-mail me. Memories and I just have them, 67 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:16,959 but they're either in an e-mail or in an envelope somewhere. 68 00:04:16,959 --> 00:04:18,920 But I'd like to make a book like that I. 69 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:22,160 Don't even have a baby book. I still have the baby book, but 70 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:23,560 it's empty. Those kind of things. 71 00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:24,920 Isn't that weird? But those kind of things 72 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:27,360 overwhelm me. Yeah, I've never done anything. 73 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:28,360 Like that. Well, I did. 74 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:31,040 It definitely overwhelmed me after Frank died. 75 00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:33,520 I mean, I couldn't even go through photos. 76 00:04:33,640 --> 00:04:35,800 I even I call it the rabbit hole. 77 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:40,680 If I have to find a photo or a memory and I start going 78 00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:45,040 through, I mean I'll just lose hours because you start to look 79 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:50,000 and then you start grieving and then the whole day is kind of, I 80 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:52,160 think I told you guys I was going through that for Thomas, 81 00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:55,390 the senior page. I was trying to find photos of 82 00:04:55,390 --> 00:04:59,270 him and Frank, and I mean, I just lost a whole afternoon kind 83 00:04:59,270 --> 00:05:03,030 of crying and going over. So I was so grateful that his 84 00:05:03,030 --> 00:05:05,910 family did that for me. And it was mostly, you know, 85 00:05:05,910 --> 00:05:08,430 quotes and memories from people. That's really amazing that they 86 00:05:08,430 --> 00:05:09,870 shared someone. Can do for. 87 00:05:09,910 --> 00:05:11,630 Yeah, it was. Actually going our podcast. 88 00:05:11,790 --> 00:05:16,230 Pretty amazing and I probably I just wouldn't have had the 89 00:05:16,230 --> 00:05:17,830 capacity. I get overwhelmed by those 90 00:05:17,830 --> 00:05:22,070 things as well and photos are really hard for me too 91 00:05:22,110 --> 00:05:25,780 sometimes. I've had intentions of and I am 92 00:05:25,780 --> 00:05:31,940 going to do this one day, but making like a box for each boy 93 00:05:31,940 --> 00:05:35,940 with the photos. Like, I mean, I have all these 94 00:05:35,940 --> 00:05:40,020 things, but they're not in a box, but like all the cards that 95 00:05:40,020 --> 00:05:46,100 they made him like a nice box and put like all the cards that 96 00:05:46,100 --> 00:05:50,740 they made him that he kept, which are in a box and then like 97 00:05:50,740 --> 00:05:53,100 photos of them. Great idea. 98 00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:54,260 I get. I did that. 99 00:05:54,260 --> 00:05:59,900 I each kid has a box and I asked them what what's a phrase or 100 00:05:59,900 --> 00:06:02,220 something their dad would say to them. 101 00:06:02,540 --> 00:06:07,910 So like Hayden's box hit, the phrase says play fast cuz that's 102 00:06:07,910 --> 00:06:10,990 what Hunter would say to him. I guess it's a soccer reference 103 00:06:10,990 --> 00:06:12,470 or something. Is it engraved on? 104 00:06:12,550 --> 00:06:14,990 Yeah, I had it engraved. It's a wooden box. 105 00:06:14,990 --> 00:06:17,190 Cool. So I have that and like. 106 00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:20,110 Okay, you win. You win the prize I win I. 107 00:06:20,110 --> 00:06:22,590 Don't have an engraved book I. Knew I wasn't gonna win any of 108 00:06:22,590 --> 00:06:25,470 that. That's the But I do have like I 109 00:06:25,470 --> 00:06:27,750 gave each kid. This may sound weird, but a 110 00:06:27,750 --> 00:06:33,210 little bit of their dad's ashes and that's in the box, some 111 00:06:33,210 --> 00:06:36,770 pictures of them with their dad. And then, you know, I go down 112 00:06:36,770 --> 00:06:40,050 the medium psychic route. So anytime I would have a 113 00:06:40,050 --> 00:06:45,530 session and he would come through about the kids, I wrote 114 00:06:45,530 --> 00:06:47,970 it out. And that's in their boxes. 115 00:06:48,330 --> 00:06:50,450 But I don't think, you know, in my mind, I was like, they're 116 00:06:50,450 --> 00:06:53,090 going to get in these boxes all the time and they're going to 117 00:06:53,090 --> 00:06:55,610 write their own memories. And none of that's really 118 00:06:55,610 --> 00:06:57,980 happened. They I gave them notebooks. 119 00:06:58,180 --> 00:07:00,940 Having it, knowing that they can at some point, if they're if 120 00:07:00,980 --> 00:07:04,820 they want to, sure I do. I think one of the ways that 121 00:07:04,820 --> 00:07:09,940 we're constantly keeping Hunter's memory alive is we get 122 00:07:09,940 --> 00:07:12,700 with his parents. I have a good relationship with 123 00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:16,540 my inlaws. We'll go to lunch once a month, 124 00:07:16,580 --> 00:07:19,620 or, you know, or even if we just get together for a holiday or 125 00:07:19,620 --> 00:07:22,260 something and we're just sharing stories. 126 00:07:22,260 --> 00:07:25,020 And it's not like let's all share a story of Hunter. 127 00:07:25,340 --> 00:07:28,780 It just naturally happens. And because they want to talk 128 00:07:28,780 --> 00:07:29,780 about their son. Sure. 129 00:07:29,780 --> 00:07:33,260 And it's just fun to to remember stories. 130 00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:37,860 And it'll happen even at home, you know, a song will come on 131 00:07:37,860 --> 00:07:40,540 the radio and I'll be like, oh, I remember when your dad and I 132 00:07:40,540 --> 00:07:44,020 were doing da da, da da. Or if something happens with one 133 00:07:44,020 --> 00:07:48,860 of the kids that jars a memory for me, I want to share it. 134 00:07:49,390 --> 00:07:51,310 And some of them they've heard many Times Now they're like, 135 00:07:51,310 --> 00:07:52,550 yeah, yeah, yeah, we know, we know. 136 00:07:52,550 --> 00:07:54,430 And then the ball. And then he did this and I'm 137 00:07:54,430 --> 00:07:57,190 like, OK, well, good. I'm glad you remember. 138 00:07:57,350 --> 00:07:59,870 You're welcome. But in the box, in case you. 139 00:07:59,870 --> 00:08:04,110 That's right, isn't it? I've also written it all down in 140 00:08:04,110 --> 00:08:10,190 your box, but that's a way. Balls and boxes and the balls in 141 00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:13,270 boxes, boxing balls. Anyway. 142 00:08:14,270 --> 00:08:17,230 I think that's that works so cool that you're. 143 00:08:18,130 --> 00:08:21,570 In laws are nearby. You know my Frank's whole family 144 00:08:21,570 --> 00:08:26,490 is back east and but that is something that we would enjoy 145 00:08:26,490 --> 00:08:28,610 like at holidays if we're all together. 146 00:08:28,850 --> 00:08:33,409 Talking about him telling stories now you know with COVID 147 00:08:33,409 --> 00:08:37,090 and everything it ended up being a little more of over zoom but I 148 00:08:37,090 --> 00:08:41,610 think yeah just finding any way to connect and talk about him 149 00:08:41,610 --> 00:08:44,570 especially with his family right, which was a big piece. 150 00:08:44,940 --> 00:08:47,900 Anytime he comes in in my head and the kids are around, I'll 151 00:08:48,500 --> 00:08:51,260 typically say something. Just right here. 152 00:08:51,260 --> 00:08:54,460 And I went through Oliver's tech box the other day. 153 00:08:54,500 --> 00:08:56,860 This is so weird. We were like, did you all see 154 00:08:56,860 --> 00:09:00,020 that news article that talked about the original iPhone? 155 00:09:00,380 --> 00:09:04,240 It sold for $150,000. Because it had never been taken 156 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:05,600 out-of-the-box. Oh, of course. 157 00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:08,040 So writer now we're like we didn't read that part we can 158 00:09:08,040 --> 00:09:09,160 write you're like. Oh my God. 159 00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:10,680 We have all this old tech we're gonna be rich. 160 00:09:10,680 --> 00:09:13,600 And then we laughed that no they have to not been used. 161 00:09:13,840 --> 00:09:16,040 So we went through Oliver's old stuff and it was like a 162 00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:19,760 BlackBerry flip phone. We have it all credit is this 163 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:23,800 stuff so flipping old. But it was really fun to see how 164 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:26,520 technology had changed. But I could just see the lights 165 00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:29,680 coming on for him that yeah he was like this is so cool. 166 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:32,680 And I showed him the fun that we would first started texting on. 167 00:09:32,680 --> 00:09:35,440 It was a. Phone, and he said, alive with a 168 00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:37,160 question mark. That was the first text I ever 169 00:09:37,160 --> 00:09:39,800 got from him, and I didn't know my phone texted. 170 00:09:39,800 --> 00:09:42,480 That's 2000. It was August of 2000, but it 171 00:09:42,480 --> 00:09:43,760 was kind of fun. That's cool. 172 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:46,440 Yeah, going through stuff like that and cuz I'm. 173 00:09:46,880 --> 00:09:48,600 Not a person who does the photo albums. 174 00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:50,400 I keep the tech, but I don't do the photo album. 175 00:09:50,400 --> 00:09:54,600 I would be overwhelmed with multiple computers and of course 176 00:09:54,920 --> 00:09:56,840 isn't that. I didn't tell you how to use 177 00:09:56,840 --> 00:09:58,160 them. I just said I have them. 178 00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:03,240 One way that I know Holly does this too, that I try to bring 179 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:09,200 Hunter in, is with candles. I have various candles with H on 180 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:12,400 it. Or early on it was like an Angel 181 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:16,120 with, you know, whatever, some weird stupid quote. 182 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:20,840 But I light those when I want him around. 183 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:26,400 And I always light one at Thanksgiving or family dinners 184 00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:29,970 or whatever. And I never really pointed out 185 00:10:29,970 --> 00:10:34,730 to the kids, but I'm hoping that they notice that dad's candle is 186 00:10:34,730 --> 00:10:39,090 lit and it's just, it just brings them in, you know? 187 00:10:39,690 --> 00:10:41,850 And that's something that I do all the time. 188 00:10:41,930 --> 00:10:45,450 Yeah, yeah, I do it when I'm doing the you guys. 189 00:10:45,650 --> 00:10:50,250 Are 5 1/2 years in right or six? There's just such a different. 190 00:10:50,820 --> 00:10:53,300 Like, I was trying to think back when you were talking about what 191 00:10:53,300 --> 00:10:55,500 we were gonna talk about today. And I was like, wow, where was 192 00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:57,220 I? Did you think about that, Kira, 193 00:10:57,220 --> 00:10:59,340 that 5 1/2 years in, I was like, where was I? 194 00:10:59,740 --> 00:11:02,340 I'm not sure. I don't remember what I felt I 195 00:11:02,340 --> 00:11:04,700 have. No idea where I am right now. 196 00:11:06,660 --> 00:11:08,220 Same. In the studio. 197 00:11:08,420 --> 00:11:13,460 One thing that I have coming up next year, which I've been 198 00:11:13,460 --> 00:11:17,820 thinking about a lot and again I think for listeners who have 199 00:11:17,820 --> 00:11:20,320 kids of varying ages. We are. 200 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:24,520 I always thought of Karis being young, and so now that she's 201 00:11:24,520 --> 00:11:27,320 older and they're all older, I feel like I can do more of the 202 00:11:27,320 --> 00:11:30,960 things that you guys are talking about, more of the memory 203 00:11:30,960 --> 00:11:34,680 things, more of the talking about stories and photos. 204 00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:38,560 And I just think because she was so young, we just, I didn't 205 00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:42,920 really know how to bring her in with that. 206 00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:48,720 Next year, next June, will be 10 years for me and I'm thinking 207 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:51,110 about. Something that I want to do to 208 00:11:51,150 --> 00:11:54,790 honor the memorial. Yeah, because I didn't have a 209 00:11:54,790 --> 00:11:57,190 memorial because I was in the hospital. 210 00:11:57,710 --> 00:11:59,590 You have. So it's been at the front of my 211 00:11:59,590 --> 00:12:02,790 mind lately just thinking about, you know what that would look 212 00:12:02,790 --> 00:12:06,270 like, what we would do with maybe some of the ashes. 213 00:12:06,670 --> 00:12:10,590 Would we have people speak with the kids, want to speak music. 214 00:12:10,590 --> 00:12:12,430 Who would be there? Where would it be? 215 00:12:12,630 --> 00:12:15,150 How do we incorporate his family, my family? 216 00:12:15,470 --> 00:12:18,750 That's something that is would be really nice if I could pull 217 00:12:18,750 --> 00:12:20,470 it off. I feel like I have to start 218 00:12:20,470 --> 00:12:23,270 organizing it now. I feel like life is so at such a 219 00:12:23,270 --> 00:12:27,910 fast breakneck speed these days, with kids all over in different 220 00:12:27,910 --> 00:12:28,870 directions. But. 221 00:12:28,870 --> 00:12:31,150 They make them two out of the house and only one at home. 222 00:12:31,150 --> 00:12:32,390 This year, maybe you'll have a little. 223 00:12:32,390 --> 00:12:34,790 More I hope so. I hope I'll have a little more 224 00:12:34,790 --> 00:12:39,710 time just with one kid at home and then looking already looking 225 00:12:39,710 --> 00:12:43,750 at next summer and my rising junior and internships and 226 00:12:43,750 --> 00:12:47,630 traveling abroad and then my. Incoming freshman in college. 227 00:12:47,630 --> 00:12:49,030 Where is he gonna be next summer? 228 00:12:49,030 --> 00:12:50,870 And how do I? I feel like I already have to 229 00:12:50,870 --> 00:12:53,350 get it on the family calendar. Like right now, right? 230 00:12:53,830 --> 00:12:57,390 So wow in that big ass. Yeah, and talk to his family. 231 00:12:57,430 --> 00:12:59,670 And so, yeah, but that's something that I've been 232 00:12:59,670 --> 00:13:03,710 thinking about a lot this summer, cuz it's just a year 233 00:13:03,710 --> 00:13:05,670 out, but I can't believe it's nine years. 234 00:13:05,670 --> 00:13:08,790 I mean, some days it feels like forever, and other days it feels 235 00:13:08,790 --> 00:13:11,270 like it was just yesterday. It's weird. 236 00:13:11,430 --> 00:13:13,430 Well, what about? And we kind of talked about 237 00:13:13,430 --> 00:13:15,890 this. We've talked about this before 238 00:13:16,210 --> 00:13:19,130 when we were talking about moving or or leaving your home 239 00:13:19,130 --> 00:13:22,410 or whatever. And I know for me it was, it was 240 00:13:23,130 --> 00:13:26,850 sad because I wasn't going to have any memories at this new 241 00:13:26,850 --> 00:13:31,090 house. But what I've realized is the 242 00:13:31,090 --> 00:13:33,570 soul is portable. So they're not going to be 243 00:13:33,570 --> 00:13:36,210 hanging at the old house going, where'd everybody go, you know, 244 00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:41,650 they're going to come with us. And I have like his books. 245 00:13:41,650 --> 00:13:43,810 Hunter loved books. He read a ton. 246 00:13:43,810 --> 00:13:47,890 He was always ordering like old libraries and stuff. 247 00:13:47,890 --> 00:13:51,290 We would have all these books from libraries and things and 248 00:13:51,290 --> 00:13:55,330 it's all on the bookshelf. So the kids know these are dad's 249 00:13:55,330 --> 00:13:58,050 books and look, I got myself help books there too. 250 00:13:58,050 --> 00:14:01,450 But it's a small corner of it. But most of the books are are 251 00:14:01,450 --> 00:14:05,040 their dads, so they know. And I'll see the boys 252 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:06,840 especially. They'll go over and look and 253 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:10,320 think about maybe picking one up, you know, and and reading 254 00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:12,760 it. So that's just something that's 255 00:14:12,840 --> 00:14:17,520 in the house that kind of triggers a memory or a thought 256 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:20,400 about their dad and for me. Too Hunter's library? 257 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:23,520 Yes, exactly. What about Christmas ornaments? 258 00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:25,920 I thought we'd do German. Those little German candles. 259 00:14:25,920 --> 00:14:28,640 Cuz he's from Hamburg and I light him every Christmas. 260 00:14:29,300 --> 00:14:30,700 Very quickly and blow them out very quickly. 261 00:14:32,180 --> 00:14:34,260 Do you guys do ornaments or anything like that? 262 00:14:34,260 --> 00:14:36,380 Yeah, right. The first year that Hunter died, 263 00:14:36,380 --> 00:14:41,500 I got on Shutterfly and I made a bunch of ornaments of different 264 00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:45,820 photos so that every year when we are, you're so decorating the 265 00:14:45,820 --> 00:14:47,580 tree. Think about things like that. 266 00:14:47,780 --> 00:14:50,220 I just, yeah. I don't know. 267 00:14:50,260 --> 00:14:54,300 I've always done like an picture ornament and I have them from 268 00:14:54,300 --> 00:14:56,550 when they. And I would give Toby like an 269 00:14:56,590 --> 00:14:59,510 ornament with a picture of them, so have those. 270 00:14:59,510 --> 00:15:02,870 But then I always do picture ornaments every year. 271 00:15:02,910 --> 00:15:04,110 Yeah. Yeah. 272 00:15:04,110 --> 00:15:07,350 And it's just you could still do it like that. 273 00:15:07,950 --> 00:15:09,030 Because I do. I know. 274 00:15:09,270 --> 00:15:11,590 It sounds I'll make I will do that for you. 275 00:15:11,590 --> 00:15:13,270 You send me the photos you want to use. 276 00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:16,590 It's stupid. There's the littlest thing I can 277 00:15:16,590 --> 00:15:19,790 deal with, a big, huge problem. But when it's little things like 278 00:15:19,830 --> 00:15:22,270 that, I feel overwhelmed. I start going, Oh my God, I 279 00:15:22,270 --> 00:15:23,990 can't do that. Pictures is too much. 280 00:15:26,090 --> 00:15:31,490 I always did well, Toby and I always did for Christmas 281 00:15:31,490 --> 00:15:35,170 presents for his mom and my parents, the photo book of the 282 00:15:35,170 --> 00:15:38,890 year, and it would be like the year into the boys. 283 00:15:39,090 --> 00:15:40,730 So then I would have the pictures on there. 284 00:15:40,730 --> 00:15:43,050 So then I would just be like I'll make an ornament. 285 00:15:43,050 --> 00:15:44,850 Just throw it on an ornament. Yeah, yeah. 286 00:15:45,410 --> 00:15:48,890 We have a few like we have one from the Willard, which is the 287 00:15:48,890 --> 00:15:51,210 hotel we stayed in on our wedding night. 288 00:15:52,090 --> 00:15:53,450 Oh, that's. And we would. 289 00:15:53,650 --> 00:15:55,530 I usually. I like to pick him up from 290 00:15:55,530 --> 00:15:58,410 trips. So we have a few from trips that 291 00:15:58,410 --> 00:16:01,610 we took as a family and we have pictures of the kids and things 292 00:16:01,610 --> 00:16:04,850 that the kids made, but nothing really Frank specific. 293 00:16:04,850 --> 00:16:08,760 I don't feel like not a big picture of him that you put on 294 00:16:08,760 --> 00:16:11,360 the top of the tree. I have. 295 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:13,080 Oh my gosh, we could totally do that. 296 00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:15,240 He would. He just wouldn't like that. 297 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:16,560 Probably. He probably wouldn't have. 298 00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:19,760 He wouldn't be down with that, probably, because that was. 299 00:16:19,760 --> 00:16:24,600 It had his style, the letter like my have a very eclectic 300 00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:33,800 tree creative and we had like a lot of letters ATHAG&AZ made out 301 00:16:33,800 --> 00:16:39,100 of different things and so. I usually put the the sparkly 302 00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:44,780 tea at the top, like like under, you know, like not not as a tree 303 00:16:44,780 --> 00:16:48,980 Topper, but, you know, prominent to where the boys can see it, 304 00:16:49,100 --> 00:16:51,530 yeah. Well, would it better be dead 305 00:16:51,530 --> 00:16:54,450 than be the center of attention? So I was Oh yeah, Hunter does 306 00:16:54,450 --> 00:16:57,250 not like that his mug is now all over the Christmas tree. 307 00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:59,970 But too bad he's dead, so he doesn't get to say. 308 00:17:00,210 --> 00:17:03,410 Our welcome. Matt says hello, HALLO cuz it's 309 00:17:03,410 --> 00:17:05,890 hello in German. Oh yeah, so I think he might 310 00:17:05,890 --> 00:17:09,329 like that, cuz it's subtle. And then I have a Vilkeman sign 311 00:17:09,329 --> 00:17:11,450 and candles cuz that's welcome in German. 312 00:17:11,609 --> 00:17:13,730 But anything where his picture would be. 313 00:17:16,089 --> 00:17:17,730 You know. Like the funeral. 314 00:17:17,730 --> 00:17:19,050 I even think of the funeral He would. 315 00:17:19,630 --> 00:17:21,230 He was going to be dead if he wasn't dead. 316 00:17:22,550 --> 00:17:25,510 Just being the sitter of attention about everything being 317 00:17:25,510 --> 00:17:29,310 on him is just so not his diet. It's kind of comical to think 318 00:17:29,310 --> 00:17:31,430 about that one thing that Holly and I have. 319 00:17:31,430 --> 00:17:33,030 I don't. I don't think you guys have 320 00:17:33,030 --> 00:17:35,990 tattoos, do you? But. 321 00:17:35,990 --> 00:17:38,110 Ink free. They're ink free. 322 00:17:38,110 --> 00:17:41,510 You don't have any tats. I that was one thing that I 323 00:17:41,510 --> 00:17:44,790 thought of fairly quickly, because I would go and read 100 324 00:17:44,790 --> 00:17:49,920 and I wrote each other letters in college because it was before 325 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:52,320 the Internet and all that. And we would be away from each 326 00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:54,040 other on this and the summertime. 327 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:57,320 And so I had all of his letters and all of my lettering and all 328 00:17:57,320 --> 00:18:01,480 the cards and stuff and I just thought, oh, I want to get his 329 00:18:01,480 --> 00:18:03,960 handwriting. At the time I was like crazy. 330 00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:06,760 I was like thinking I was going to have his handwriting all over 331 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:10,720 my body, luckily. I'm glad we stopped you. 332 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:13,880 I did not do that. I just did it with one word. 333 00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:18,320 His nickname for me, sweetie. And I got his handwriting, and I 334 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:22,040 have that on my wrist. And that is one thing that I 335 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:26,960 constantly see that's always reminding me of him. 336 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:30,640 Holly, what's your tattoo? It's his writing. 337 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:35,320 He again in college would always write me little love notes and 338 00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:38,640 like leave him on my car or leave him, you know? 339 00:18:38,970 --> 00:18:44,730 Somewhere I would find it and anyway he my tattoo is his, like 340 00:18:44,730 --> 00:18:48,890 how he would sign his cards to me and so describe it. 341 00:18:48,970 --> 00:18:54,610 It's a heart with a T&X&O's and it says all my love. 342 00:18:55,090 --> 00:18:57,450 Yeah, it's so sweet. He had great handwriting. 343 00:18:57,450 --> 00:18:58,530 I. Saw it on our Instagram. 344 00:18:58,610 --> 00:19:00,650 I don't know that I'd ever seen it up close. 345 00:19:00,930 --> 00:19:04,030 Maybe that's it until I saw it on Instagram anyway. 346 00:19:04,030 --> 00:19:08,230 Well, any other thoughts about what about the the, the widows 347 00:19:08,230 --> 00:19:12,710 out there who feel like, I hate to say, desperate to hold on to 348 00:19:12,710 --> 00:19:17,270 the memories, but they're afraid to make new memories because 349 00:19:17,270 --> 00:19:20,790 they're they're afraid that the 11 widow said something like, I 350 00:19:20,790 --> 00:19:23,590 feel like his memory. I'm not thinking about him as 351 00:19:23,590 --> 00:19:26,470 much and that scares me. I I don't like that. 352 00:19:26,470 --> 00:19:30,030 I'm not thinking of him as much, but that's really healing. 353 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:34,830 It's also the amount of pain and suffering you go through. 354 00:19:34,830 --> 00:19:38,150 Is not is not equivalent to your love for them, correct? 355 00:19:38,150 --> 00:19:41,190 I think your love for them would be they would want you to live a 356 00:19:41,310 --> 00:19:44,070 fulfilling life and so honor our past. 357 00:19:44,070 --> 00:19:46,910 But he wouldn't want me to be sitting around crying all the 358 00:19:46,910 --> 00:19:49,990 time and wouldn't want my kid to be raised in a depressed home he 359 00:19:49,990 --> 00:19:53,460 would want him to create. Memories, but also bringing, 360 00:19:53,460 --> 00:19:55,460 like, I think all of us have done this, brought a little 361 00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:58,380 piece of them with us, and I don't think any of us does it 362 00:19:58,380 --> 00:20:01,100 not talk about them. I think that most unhealthy 363 00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:03,740 thing you can do is not ever speak of them, right? 364 00:20:03,900 --> 00:20:07,180 I had a real hard time in the beginning, I'll be honest. 365 00:20:07,180 --> 00:20:11,380 Like in the beginning I was worried I was going to upset 366 00:20:11,380 --> 00:20:14,540 them bringing it up or I would get upset. 367 00:20:14,900 --> 00:20:18,380 But then over time, I've gotten much better. 368 00:20:18,980 --> 00:20:24,140 And even like when we were on vacation a couple weeks ago, we 369 00:20:24,580 --> 00:20:28,740 went to some places that Toby and I had gone on our honeymoon. 370 00:20:29,140 --> 00:20:33,100 So I told I was with Zach. This part of the trip. 371 00:20:33,660 --> 00:20:37,340 I was 100% comfortable, like, oh, Dad and I came here. 372 00:20:37,380 --> 00:20:40,900 And so I feel like I feel like I made like a I don't. 373 00:20:42,260 --> 00:20:43,340 Know. He turned a corner. 374 00:20:43,420 --> 00:20:49,030 Yeah, turned a corner for sure. And also what I really love is 375 00:20:49,030 --> 00:20:53,550 recently we were was Gabe's 21st birthday and we were with one of 376 00:20:53,550 --> 00:20:58,030 Toby's best friends and he was telling Gabe all these stories 377 00:20:58,030 --> 00:21:03,190 that were hilarious that he was waiting until Gabe turned 21 to 378 00:21:03,230 --> 00:21:06,030 tell him. I love that, Yeah, you really 379 00:21:06,030 --> 00:21:08,550 get to hear that. That's where the family and 380 00:21:08,550 --> 00:21:11,670 friends part comes in, telling those stories. 381 00:21:11,670 --> 00:21:14,350 They get to know who their dad was. 382 00:21:15,270 --> 00:21:17,550 In a way that they wouldn't have known even if he were still 383 00:21:17,550 --> 00:21:20,070 alive. Probably some of those stories, 384 00:21:20,070 --> 00:21:22,190 I'm sure. Yeah, because maybe Tommy would 385 00:21:22,190 --> 00:21:25,670 be like, okay, okay, Let's not tell that one. 386 00:21:26,150 --> 00:21:27,950 Have y'all ever thought about it in the reverse? 387 00:21:27,950 --> 00:21:30,790 I thought, God, there's some things about me I don't want my 388 00:21:30,830 --> 00:21:35,710 son to know. Yeah, it was always kind of a 389 00:21:35,710 --> 00:21:37,590 strain era, so it wasn't anything. 390 00:21:37,590 --> 00:21:38,990 Nobody would ever say anything about him. 391 00:21:38,990 --> 00:21:41,990 That was like, my God. With me, maybe not. 392 00:21:42,390 --> 00:21:45,190 Oh yeah. I definitely have some skeletons 393 00:21:45,190 --> 00:21:46,030 in my closet. We're just. 394 00:21:46,190 --> 00:21:48,350 Gonna keep them. All locked up for you, Whitney? 395 00:21:49,230 --> 00:21:51,790 Thank you. I think there's no right or 396 00:21:51,790 --> 00:21:55,110 wrong way. Everybody has their their own 397 00:21:55,110 --> 00:21:59,550 ways of handling grief or talking about their deceased 398 00:21:59,550 --> 00:22:03,510 loved ones, and it's whatever you feel comfortable with. 399 00:22:03,550 --> 00:22:06,350 You don't need to feel guilty because you're not doing it like 400 00:22:06,350 --> 00:22:09,510 somebody else. Your person knows that they are 401 00:22:09,510 --> 00:22:12,170 loved. I was gonna bring up the 402 00:22:12,170 --> 00:22:14,170 T-shirts again. Well, I had a couple of things I 403 00:22:14,170 --> 00:22:15,610 was gonna, but I don't know if we want. 404 00:22:15,610 --> 00:22:20,130 To Yeah, no, do it. That my kids do wear his 405 00:22:20,130 --> 00:22:21,770 T-shirts. I think Holly brought that up in 406 00:22:21,850 --> 00:22:23,890 a. Previous episode that Karis 407 00:22:23,930 --> 00:22:28,810 really likes to wear this one. Soccer coach, it says coach on 408 00:22:28,810 --> 00:22:30,050 it. It's like a waya. 409 00:22:30,390 --> 00:22:32,070 Soccer. That's a funny. 410 00:22:32,070 --> 00:22:34,910 Shirt at Frank's when he coached soccer. 411 00:22:35,150 --> 00:22:38,310 Waya is the West Austin Youth Association. 412 00:22:38,310 --> 00:22:41,070 Here in Austin. It's like for kids sports. 413 00:22:41,390 --> 00:22:45,950 And then Aceland has one of my favorites, which I don't know if 414 00:22:45,950 --> 00:22:48,230 you guys have this, but sometimes there are things that 415 00:22:48,230 --> 00:22:51,530 I want back. And she's gone off to college 416 00:22:51,530 --> 00:22:56,130 with this shirt of Frank's that has the dude on it. 417 00:22:56,410 --> 00:23:01,530 Oh, because he loved that movie and that's her favorite shirt. 418 00:23:01,650 --> 00:23:05,810 And then Thomas has a bunch because he's bigger and he wears 419 00:23:05,810 --> 00:23:07,970 more of his stuff. So that's kind of one thing 420 00:23:07,970 --> 00:23:10,090 that. Just makes me smile when I I 421 00:23:10,090 --> 00:23:12,810 think the kids, you know, they like having the shirts and then. 422 00:23:13,010 --> 00:23:17,650 You did remind me I was given a necklace, just said Hunter. 423 00:23:17,650 --> 00:23:20,890 But it was in his signature and my daughter has it now, which 424 00:23:20,890 --> 00:23:24,130 makes sense because I think once you start dating and stuff 425 00:23:24,570 --> 00:23:28,970 you're wearing, if I have his handwriting all over my body 426 00:23:29,810 --> 00:23:33,410 and, you know, wearing his, his handwriting and necklaces and 427 00:23:33,610 --> 00:23:35,890 whatever, it's probably a little odd. 428 00:23:36,570 --> 00:23:39,890 But she did steal that and that's kind of cool for her, you 429 00:23:39,890 --> 00:23:43,170 know, cuz she's I have 2 watches that I'll give each of the boys 430 00:23:43,570 --> 00:23:46,010 and she's got that necklace that says Hunter. 431 00:23:46,370 --> 00:23:48,770 So that's kind of cool. Yeah, I like. 432 00:23:48,810 --> 00:23:53,090 That when I got his handwriting on my as a tattoo, I think it 433 00:23:53,090 --> 00:23:56,410 kind of spurred other people to think of ways to get his 434 00:23:56,530 --> 00:24:00,730 handwriting on things. So my sister gave me a tshirt 435 00:24:00,730 --> 00:24:03,870 that says Hunter on it. I like the jewelry thing. 436 00:24:03,870 --> 00:24:06,390 I'd forgot, yeah. He gave me a necklace, love it 437 00:24:06,390 --> 00:24:09,110 together on it. Signature and then necklace. 438 00:24:09,150 --> 00:24:12,070 Yeah, or my girls. They did that with Frank's 439 00:24:12,070 --> 00:24:15,510 signature in his office. After he died. 440 00:24:15,550 --> 00:24:18,070 They blew up his signature and framed it. 441 00:24:18,070 --> 00:24:19,510 And then I thought about the other day. 442 00:24:19,510 --> 00:24:21,030 I was like, I wonder if it's still there. 443 00:24:21,030 --> 00:24:23,350 I wonder if I could get it. But obviously it's something I 444 00:24:23,350 --> 00:24:26,870 could recreate on my own. I've been wanting to take it 445 00:24:26,870 --> 00:24:31,260 like some of Toby's designs and his handwriting, and he kept 446 00:24:31,260 --> 00:24:36,020 like this log on his desk of what he was working on, what 447 00:24:36,020 --> 00:24:40,300 client and how many hours. And it's just like his scribbled 448 00:24:40,300 --> 00:24:44,260 handwriting, but it's like pages and pages and pages and I'm 449 00:24:44,260 --> 00:24:45,780 like. You could make it into wallpaper 450 00:24:45,780 --> 00:24:49,140 someday. I'm gonna make a collage with 451 00:24:49,140 --> 00:24:51,180 all of it. Yeah, I think that's cool. 452 00:24:51,220 --> 00:24:53,980 After I make your ornament, you. Know you'll laugh. 453 00:24:53,980 --> 00:24:56,460 Crafty side. Of me I know I was thinking of. 454 00:24:56,580 --> 00:24:58,620 The worst rather you. Know you're gonna laugh. 455 00:24:59,360 --> 00:25:02,720 I don't even know if I know what the the signature. 456 00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:05,200 Looks like I know. I'm not kidding. 457 00:25:05,360 --> 00:25:08,400 Everything was tight, right? We texted and emailed. 458 00:25:08,520 --> 00:25:11,080 He would always give me a card. I think they write you a card. 459 00:25:11,440 --> 00:25:13,800 Even do cards. But all right, I don't know that 460 00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:17,480 he was sentimental about stuff. Yes, Toby was very sentimental, 461 00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:21,400 and I think my boys, they carried that with them. 462 00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:24,200 They still make me cards sometimes. 463 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:26,480 They're not spending that much time on it, but it. 464 00:25:26,870 --> 00:25:29,270 It's a tradition that they're still keeping us. 465 00:25:29,750 --> 00:25:32,190 I want to add one other thing that I was thinking of when we 466 00:25:32,190 --> 00:25:36,670 were talking about the books and the memories and something that 467 00:25:36,670 --> 00:25:41,830 one of my friends did at his memorial as they had like a jar 468 00:25:42,110 --> 00:25:45,630 and then little notes where people would write a memory or a 469 00:25:45,630 --> 00:25:48,430 note. To me, the coolest thing was I 470 00:25:48,430 --> 00:25:51,510 got one in the mail recently. Awesome to me. 471 00:25:51,510 --> 00:25:56,230 That's the best, yeah. So that I think like advice to 472 00:25:56,670 --> 00:26:00,710 people that have friends that have lost someone, write him a 473 00:26:00,710 --> 00:26:03,070 note and. Share a memory, yeah. 474 00:26:03,310 --> 00:26:04,950 And it doesn't matter how many years later. 475 00:26:04,950 --> 00:26:06,590 It's not like you stopped thinking about him. 476 00:26:06,710 --> 00:26:08,910 Six years in you probably. That was probably. 477 00:26:08,910 --> 00:26:11,230 It's almost more meaningful. My favorite. 478 00:26:11,350 --> 00:26:13,150 I was like, oh, what's this? And. 479 00:26:13,390 --> 00:26:15,150 That's all people. Are afraid they're going to make 480 00:26:15,150 --> 00:26:17,510 you cry. You're going to remind us that 481 00:26:17,510 --> 00:26:18,950 they're dead? Yeah, exactly. 482 00:26:19,270 --> 00:26:23,430 On Frank's birthday this past year, his old soccer team. 483 00:26:23,430 --> 00:26:25,470 They get together every year on his birthday. 484 00:26:26,020 --> 00:26:29,860 At Deep Betty Cabaret and they have drinks in his honor. 485 00:26:29,860 --> 00:26:32,700 I have a picture of the guys gathering and that's awesome. 486 00:26:32,700 --> 00:26:34,940 That's. So nice of them, these members 487 00:26:34,940 --> 00:26:37,820 laters, they're still. I know, I know. 488 00:26:37,940 --> 00:26:41,020 That reminded me, and again, it's handwriting. 489 00:26:41,020 --> 00:26:45,740 But at his memorial, his friend brought glasses. 490 00:26:46,040 --> 00:26:49,000 With his signature on him. So everyone that was at the 491 00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:53,280 memorial has two hunter glasses. Oh, I like and people will send 492 00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:56,600 me pictures of them drinking. Yep, bourbon. 493 00:26:56,680 --> 00:26:58,880 Raising a glass. Like we have a whole podcast on 494 00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:02,920 what can you do with the signature Tramp stamp anymore. 495 00:27:03,120 --> 00:27:09,480 But if I just had Frank. Oh my gosh, that'd be hilarious. 496 00:27:10,430 --> 00:27:13,830 If you have other ways that you want to share, head on over to 497 00:27:13,830 --> 00:27:16,910 every widow thing on Instagram and shoot us a DM. 498 00:27:16,910 --> 00:27:20,150 Send us a picture. We'd love to share it and thanks 499 00:27:20,150 --> 00:27:21,350 for all your support.