You found us. I'm so glad you did, but I'm
sorry that you had to. So come on into our Widow
circle, where trauma meets humor and we remind you that you can
not only survive, but thrive. This is Every Widow thing.
Welcome back to another episode of Every Widow Thing.
Today's episode was inspired by one of our listeners, Jerry Ann
wrote in to us under our Instagram account and sadly she
lost her husband back in February of a heart attack.
She has three kids, 1412 and six, and she is concerned about
the kids remembering and having memories of their dad.
And it brought up the question of how do you keep their memory
alive? Do you keep their memory alive?
Do you think about it or does it just happen naturally?
I have even heard some widows talk about how they don't want
to find another partner for fear that new memories will cancel
out old memories, which I thought was really interesting.
So especially with the young kids.
And I know, Kara, you've talked about it a little bit, how Karas
doesn't really have any. And Lacey too, and you have to
manage that and figure out, am I gonna stress about it or am I
gonna let it go? Yeah, I mean, I think with
Karas, who was just under five, we just with the big kids and
the older kids and me, we just talked about him whenever it
came up. We would try to tell stories.
Remember this, Remember that often in relation to.
Trips we were taking or like you'd mentioned Whitney.
Music or restaurants that we liked or food that he liked.
Just anything funny. I think with little kids, they
like the funny stories. So if there was something goofy
that he did or there was a funny moment that was even about the
child. So my kids like to tell a lot of
stories about Keras when she was little.
And silly things that she did. And then he would just kind of
naturally be a part of the story, I guess.
Sure. And so a lot of it was just
talking about her because talking about him for her
because she was younger. Now that she's older, actually.
Really. Once she got an iPhone, I
sometimes just send photos to my kids every now and again with
them, them and him. You know, if it pops up on the
memory or if something comes up, or if there's.
An occasion birthday. I'll kind of pepper my kids with
pictures, which, you know, the iPhone is really easy for that.
But yeah, I think just talking about it, storytelling kind of
keeps memories alive. Photos, photo albums, little
books of I used to make little photo books of like, vacations
that we took. Or each child's birth has a
little photo book that goes with it.
I do know a lot of people, also their friends would reach out to
the community of of your friends and family and say if you have a
funny story or a memory, can you share it here?
And then they created a book for the kids, which I thought was,
yeah, my. Inlaws did that.
I don't mean to interrupt, but my inlaws put that together.
I did not have the capacity to do that, but over a period of a
couple of years. The company is called Weeva.
WEEVA and I know there's probably other companies that do
it, but they reached out to childhood friends, high school
friends, college friends, work colleagues, and they cousins,
aunts, uncles, people that I didn't even know terribly well
and put together a weave a book. And I have a copy I've never
even heard. Of that I wanna see.
Yeah, I have. I had asked.
I guess a year after his death, I'd.
Reached out like on Facebook or wherever and asked for people to
e-mail me. Memories and I just have them,
but they're either in an e-mail or in an envelope somewhere.
But I'd like to make a book like that I.
Don't even have a baby book. I still have the baby book, but
it's empty. Those kind of things.
Isn't that weird? But those kind of things
overwhelm me. Yeah, I've never done anything.
Like that. Well, I did.
It definitely overwhelmed me after Frank died.
I mean, I couldn't even go through photos.
I even I call it the rabbit hole.
If I have to find a photo or a memory and I start going
through, I mean I'll just lose hours because you start to look
and then you start grieving and then the whole day is kind of, I
think I told you guys I was going through that for Thomas,
the senior page. I was trying to find photos of
him and Frank, and I mean, I just lost a whole afternoon kind
of crying and going over. So I was so grateful that his
family did that for me. And it was mostly, you know,
quotes and memories from people. That's really amazing that they
shared someone. Can do for.
Yeah, it was. Actually going our podcast.
Pretty amazing and I probably I just wouldn't have had the
capacity. I get overwhelmed by those
things as well and photos are really hard for me too
sometimes. I've had intentions of and I am
going to do this one day, but making like a box for each boy
with the photos. Like, I mean, I have all these
things, but they're not in a box, but like all the cards that
they made him like a nice box and put like all the cards that
they made him that he kept, which are in a box and then like
photos of them. Great idea.
I get. I did that.
I each kid has a box and I asked them what what's a phrase or
something their dad would say to them.
So like Hayden's box hit, the phrase says play fast cuz that's
what Hunter would say to him. I guess it's a soccer reference
or something. Is it engraved on?
Yeah, I had it engraved. It's a wooden box.
Cool. So I have that and like.
Okay, you win. You win the prize I win I.
Don't have an engraved book I. Knew I wasn't gonna win any of
that. That's the But I do have like I
gave each kid. This may sound weird, but a
little bit of their dad's ashes and that's in the box, some
pictures of them with their dad. And then, you know, I go down
the medium psychic route. So anytime I would have a
session and he would come through about the kids, I wrote
it out. And that's in their boxes.
But I don't think, you know, in my mind, I was like, they're
going to get in these boxes all the time and they're going to
write their own memories. And none of that's really
happened. They I gave them notebooks.
Having it, knowing that they can at some point, if they're if
they want to, sure I do. I think one of the ways that
we're constantly keeping Hunter's memory alive is we get
with his parents. I have a good relationship with
my inlaws. We'll go to lunch once a month,
or, you know, or even if we just get together for a holiday or
something and we're just sharing stories.
And it's not like let's all share a story of Hunter.
It just naturally happens. And because they want to talk
about their son. Sure.
And it's just fun to to remember stories.
And it'll happen even at home, you know, a song will come on
the radio and I'll be like, oh, I remember when your dad and I
were doing da da, da da. Or if something happens with one
of the kids that jars a memory for me, I want to share it.
And some of them they've heard many Times Now they're like,
yeah, yeah, yeah, we know, we know.
And then the ball. And then he did this and I'm
like, OK, well, good. I'm glad you remember.
You're welcome. But in the box, in case you.
That's right, isn't it? I've also written it all down in
your box, but that's a way. Balls and boxes and the balls in
boxes, boxing balls. Anyway.
I think that's that works so cool that you're.
In laws are nearby. You know my Frank's whole family
is back east and but that is something that we would enjoy
like at holidays if we're all together.
Talking about him telling stories now you know with COVID
and everything it ended up being a little more of over zoom but I
think yeah just finding any way to connect and talk about him
especially with his family right, which was a big piece.
Anytime he comes in in my head and the kids are around, I'll
typically say something. Just right here.
And I went through Oliver's tech box the other day.
This is so weird. We were like, did you all see
that news article that talked about the original iPhone?
It sold for $150,000. Because it had never been taken
out-of-the-box. Oh, of course.
So writer now we're like we didn't read that part we can
write you're like. Oh my God.
We have all this old tech we're gonna be rich.
And then we laughed that no they have to not been used.
So we went through Oliver's old stuff and it was like a
BlackBerry flip phone. We have it all credit is this
stuff so flipping old. But it was really fun to see how
technology had changed. But I could just see the lights
coming on for him that yeah he was like this is so cool.
And I showed him the fun that we would first started texting on.
It was a. Phone, and he said, alive with a
question mark. That was the first text I ever
got from him, and I didn't know my phone texted.
That's 2000. It was August of 2000, but it
was kind of fun. That's cool.
Yeah, going through stuff like that and cuz I'm.
Not a person who does the photo albums.
I keep the tech, but I don't do the photo album.
I would be overwhelmed with multiple computers and of course
isn't that. I didn't tell you how to use
them. I just said I have them.
One way that I know Holly does this too, that I try to bring
Hunter in, is with candles. I have various candles with H on
it. Or early on it was like an Angel
with, you know, whatever, some weird stupid quote.
But I light those when I want him around.
And I always light one at Thanksgiving or family dinners
or whatever. And I never really pointed out
to the kids, but I'm hoping that they notice that dad's candle is
lit and it's just, it just brings them in, you know?
And that's something that I do all the time.
Yeah, yeah, I do it when I'm doing the you guys.
Are 5 1/2 years in right or six? There's just such a different.
Like, I was trying to think back when you were talking about what
we were gonna talk about today. And I was like, wow, where was
I? Did you think about that, Kira,
that 5 1/2 years in, I was like, where was I?
I'm not sure. I don't remember what I felt I
have. No idea where I am right now.
Same. In the studio.
One thing that I have coming up next year, which I've been
thinking about a lot and again I think for listeners who have
kids of varying ages. We are.
I always thought of Karis being young, and so now that she's
older and they're all older, I feel like I can do more of the
things that you guys are talking about, more of the memory
things, more of the talking about stories and photos.
And I just think because she was so young, we just, I didn't
really know how to bring her in with that.
Next year, next June, will be 10 years for me and I'm thinking
about. Something that I want to do to
honor the memorial. Yeah, because I didn't have a
memorial because I was in the hospital.
You have. So it's been at the front of my
mind lately just thinking about, you know what that would look
like, what we would do with maybe some of the ashes.
Would we have people speak with the kids, want to speak music.
Who would be there? Where would it be?
How do we incorporate his family, my family?
That's something that is would be really nice if I could pull
it off. I feel like I have to start
organizing it now. I feel like life is so at such a
fast breakneck speed these days, with kids all over in different
directions. But.
They make them two out of the house and only one at home.
This year, maybe you'll have a little.
More I hope so. I hope I'll have a little more
time just with one kid at home and then looking already looking
at next summer and my rising junior and internships and
traveling abroad and then my. Incoming freshman in college.
Where is he gonna be next summer?
And how do I? I feel like I already have to
get it on the family calendar. Like right now, right?
So wow in that big ass. Yeah, and talk to his family.
And so, yeah, but that's something that I've been
thinking about a lot this summer, cuz it's just a year
out, but I can't believe it's nine years.
I mean, some days it feels like forever, and other days it feels
like it was just yesterday. It's weird.
Well, what about? And we kind of talked about
this. We've talked about this before
when we were talking about moving or or leaving your home
or whatever. And I know for me it was, it was
sad because I wasn't going to have any memories at this new
house. But what I've realized is the
soul is portable. So they're not going to be
hanging at the old house going, where'd everybody go, you know,
they're going to come with us. And I have like his books.
Hunter loved books. He read a ton.
He was always ordering like old libraries and stuff.
We would have all these books from libraries and things and
it's all on the bookshelf. So the kids know these are dad's
books and look, I got myself help books there too.
But it's a small corner of it. But most of the books are are
their dads, so they know. And I'll see the boys
especially. They'll go over and look and
think about maybe picking one up, you know, and and reading
it. So that's just something that's
in the house that kind of triggers a memory or a thought
about their dad and for me. Too Hunter's library?
Yes, exactly. What about Christmas ornaments?
I thought we'd do German. Those little German candles.
Cuz he's from Hamburg and I light him every Christmas.
Very quickly and blow them out very quickly.
Do you guys do ornaments or anything like that?
Yeah, right. The first year that Hunter died,
I got on Shutterfly and I made a bunch of ornaments of different
photos so that every year when we are, you're so decorating the
tree. Think about things like that.
I just, yeah. I don't know.
I've always done like an picture ornament and I have them from
when they. And I would give Toby like an
ornament with a picture of them, so have those.
But then I always do picture ornaments every year.
Yeah. Yeah.
And it's just you could still do it like that.
Because I do. I know.
It sounds I'll make I will do that for you.
You send me the photos you want to use.
It's stupid. There's the littlest thing I can
deal with, a big, huge problem. But when it's little things like
that, I feel overwhelmed. I start going, Oh my God, I
can't do that. Pictures is too much.
I always did well, Toby and I always did for Christmas
presents for his mom and my parents, the photo book of the
year, and it would be like the year into the boys.
So then I would have the pictures on there.
So then I would just be like I'll make an ornament.
Just throw it on an ornament. Yeah, yeah.
We have a few like we have one from the Willard, which is the
hotel we stayed in on our wedding night.
Oh, that's. And we would.
I usually. I like to pick him up from
trips. So we have a few from trips that
we took as a family and we have pictures of the kids and things
that the kids made, but nothing really Frank specific.
I don't feel like not a big picture of him that you put on
the top of the tree. I have.
Oh my gosh, we could totally do that.
He would. He just wouldn't like that.
Probably. He probably wouldn't have.
He wouldn't be down with that, probably, because that was.
It had his style, the letter like my have a very eclectic
tree creative and we had like a lot of letters ATHAG&AZ made out
of different things and so. I usually put the the sparkly
tea at the top, like like under, you know, like not not as a tree
Topper, but, you know, prominent to where the boys can see it,
yeah. Well, would it better be dead
than be the center of attention? So I was Oh yeah, Hunter does
not like that his mug is now all over the Christmas tree.
But too bad he's dead, so he doesn't get to say.
Our welcome. Matt says hello, HALLO cuz it's
hello in German. Oh yeah, so I think he might
like that, cuz it's subtle. And then I have a Vilkeman sign
and candles cuz that's welcome in German.
But anything where his picture would be.
You know. Like the funeral.
I even think of the funeral He would.
He was going to be dead if he wasn't dead.
Just being the sitter of attention about everything being
on him is just so not his diet. It's kind of comical to think
about that one thing that Holly and I have.
I don't. I don't think you guys have
tattoos, do you? But.
Ink free. They're ink free.
You don't have any tats. I that was one thing that I
thought of fairly quickly, because I would go and read 100
and I wrote each other letters in college because it was before
the Internet and all that. And we would be away from each
other on this and the summertime.
And so I had all of his letters and all of my lettering and all
the cards and stuff and I just thought, oh, I want to get his
handwriting. At the time I was like crazy.
I was like thinking I was going to have his handwriting all over
my body, luckily. I'm glad we stopped you.
I did not do that. I just did it with one word.
His nickname for me, sweetie. And I got his handwriting, and I
have that on my wrist. And that is one thing that I
constantly see that's always reminding me of him.
Holly, what's your tattoo? It's his writing.
He again in college would always write me little love notes and
like leave him on my car or leave him, you know?
Somewhere I would find it and anyway he my tattoo is his, like
how he would sign his cards to me and so describe it.
It's a heart with a T&X&O's and it says all my love.
Yeah, it's so sweet. He had great handwriting.
I. Saw it on our Instagram.
I don't know that I'd ever seen it up close.
Maybe that's it until I saw it on Instagram anyway.
Well, any other thoughts about what about the the, the widows
out there who feel like, I hate to say, desperate to hold on to
the memories, but they're afraid to make new memories because
they're they're afraid that the 11 widow said something like, I
feel like his memory. I'm not thinking about him as
much and that scares me. I I don't like that.
I'm not thinking of him as much, but that's really healing.
It's also the amount of pain and suffering you go through.
Is not is not equivalent to your love for them, correct?
I think your love for them would be they would want you to live a
fulfilling life and so honor our past.
But he wouldn't want me to be sitting around crying all the
time and wouldn't want my kid to be raised in a depressed home he
would want him to create. Memories, but also bringing,
like, I think all of us have done this, brought a little
piece of them with us, and I don't think any of us does it
not talk about them. I think that most unhealthy
thing you can do is not ever speak of them, right?
I had a real hard time in the beginning, I'll be honest.
Like in the beginning I was worried I was going to upset
them bringing it up or I would get upset.
But then over time, I've gotten much better.
And even like when we were on vacation a couple weeks ago, we
went to some places that Toby and I had gone on our honeymoon.
So I told I was with Zach. This part of the trip.
I was 100% comfortable, like, oh, Dad and I came here.
And so I feel like I feel like I made like a I don't.
Know. He turned a corner.
Yeah, turned a corner for sure. And also what I really love is
recently we were was Gabe's 21st birthday and we were with one of
Toby's best friends and he was telling Gabe all these stories
that were hilarious that he was waiting until Gabe turned 21 to
tell him. I love that, Yeah, you really
get to hear that. That's where the family and
friends part comes in, telling those stories.
They get to know who their dad was.
In a way that they wouldn't have known even if he were still
alive. Probably some of those stories,
I'm sure. Yeah, because maybe Tommy would
be like, okay, okay, Let's not tell that one.
Have y'all ever thought about it in the reverse?
I thought, God, there's some things about me I don't want my
son to know. Yeah, it was always kind of a
strain era, so it wasn't anything.
Nobody would ever say anything about him.
That was like, my God. With me, maybe not.
Oh yeah. I definitely have some skeletons
in my closet. We're just.
Gonna keep them. All locked up for you, Whitney?
Thank you. I think there's no right or
wrong way. Everybody has their their own
ways of handling grief or talking about their deceased
loved ones, and it's whatever you feel comfortable with.
You don't need to feel guilty because you're not doing it like
somebody else. Your person knows that they are
loved. I was gonna bring up the
T-shirts again. Well, I had a couple of things I
was gonna, but I don't know if we want.
To Yeah, no, do it. That my kids do wear his
T-shirts. I think Holly brought that up in
a. Previous episode that Karis
really likes to wear this one. Soccer coach, it says coach on
it. It's like a waya.
Soccer. That's a funny.
Shirt at Frank's when he coached soccer.
Waya is the West Austin Youth Association.
Here in Austin. It's like for kids sports.
And then Aceland has one of my favorites, which I don't know if
you guys have this, but sometimes there are things that
I want back. And she's gone off to college
with this shirt of Frank's that has the dude on it.
Oh, because he loved that movie and that's her favorite shirt.
And then Thomas has a bunch because he's bigger and he wears
more of his stuff. So that's kind of one thing
that. Just makes me smile when I I
think the kids, you know, they like having the shirts and then.
You did remind me I was given a necklace, just said Hunter.
But it was in his signature and my daughter has it now, which
makes sense because I think once you start dating and stuff
you're wearing, if I have his handwriting all over my body
and, you know, wearing his, his handwriting and necklaces and
whatever, it's probably a little odd.
But she did steal that and that's kind of cool for her, you
know, cuz she's I have 2 watches that I'll give each of the boys
and she's got that necklace that says Hunter.
So that's kind of cool. Yeah, I like.
That when I got his handwriting on my as a tattoo, I think it
kind of spurred other people to think of ways to get his
handwriting on things. So my sister gave me a tshirt
that says Hunter on it. I like the jewelry thing.
I'd forgot, yeah. He gave me a necklace, love it
together on it. Signature and then necklace.
Yeah, or my girls. They did that with Frank's
signature in his office. After he died.
They blew up his signature and framed it.
And then I thought about the other day.
I was like, I wonder if it's still there.
I wonder if I could get it. But obviously it's something I
could recreate on my own. I've been wanting to take it
like some of Toby's designs and his handwriting, and he kept
like this log on his desk of what he was working on, what
client and how many hours. And it's just like his scribbled
handwriting, but it's like pages and pages and pages and I'm
like. You could make it into wallpaper
someday. I'm gonna make a collage with
all of it. Yeah, I think that's cool.
After I make your ornament, you. Know you'll laugh.
Crafty side. Of me I know I was thinking of.
The worst rather you. Know you're gonna laugh.
I don't even know if I know what the the signature.
Looks like I know. I'm not kidding.
Everything was tight, right? We texted and emailed.
He would always give me a card. I think they write you a card.
Even do cards. But all right, I don't know that
he was sentimental about stuff. Yes, Toby was very sentimental,
and I think my boys, they carried that with them.
They still make me cards sometimes.
They're not spending that much time on it, but it.
It's a tradition that they're still keeping us.
I want to add one other thing that I was thinking of when we
were talking about the books and the memories and something that
one of my friends did at his memorial as they had like a jar
and then little notes where people would write a memory or a
note. To me, the coolest thing was I
got one in the mail recently. Awesome to me.
That's the best, yeah. So that I think like advice to
people that have friends that have lost someone, write him a
note and. Share a memory, yeah.
And it doesn't matter how many years later.
It's not like you stopped thinking about him.
Six years in you probably. That was probably.
It's almost more meaningful. My favorite.
I was like, oh, what's this? And.
That's all people. Are afraid they're going to make
you cry. You're going to remind us that
they're dead? Yeah, exactly.
On Frank's birthday this past year, his old soccer team.
They get together every year on his birthday.
At Deep Betty Cabaret and they have drinks in his honor.
I have a picture of the guys gathering and that's awesome.
That's. So nice of them, these members
laters, they're still. I know, I know.
That reminded me, and again, it's handwriting.
But at his memorial, his friend brought glasses.
With his signature on him. So everyone that was at the
memorial has two hunter glasses. Oh, I like and people will send
me pictures of them drinking. Yep, bourbon.
Raising a glass. Like we have a whole podcast on
what can you do with the signature Tramp stamp anymore.
But if I just had Frank. Oh my gosh, that'd be hilarious.
If you have other ways that you want to share, head on over to
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