1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:03,600 Young widows, we're brushed aside, we're swept under the 2 00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:05,720 rug. We're hurry up and get married 3 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:07,240 again. Move on with your life. 4 00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:09,760 Get over it. And I don't think people are 5 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:12,400 like, looking at what that really means. 6 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:13,520 What? What does that mean for someone 7 00:00:13,520 --> 00:00:15,600 that's gone through it? What does that mean for their 8 00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:17,080 family dynamic? What does that mean for their 9 00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:18,680 kids? What does that mean for their 10 00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:21,240 friendships? The whole 9 yards. 11 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:28,600 This is every widow thing. Hi everyone. 12 00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:32,000 We are so excited that you are here with us today. 13 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:35,320 I did want to give a little shout out to our sponsors. 14 00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:38,880 We have sponsors. This episode is brought to you 15 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:42,320 in part by Meredith Schlosser. She's a real estate agent out of 16 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:45,080 Los Angeles. And we also have a sponsor 17 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:49,440 called spiritpieces.com. It is beautiful cremation, 18 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:53,160 jewelry and glass art. All right now with the program. 19 00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:57,640 Today's episode is about boundaries, and I think we've 20 00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:01,080 all had some issues. With. 21 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:04,680 Keeping boundaries. I know for me, my husband was 22 00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:08,600 the gatekeeper and I could just throw it all on him. 23 00:01:08,920 --> 00:01:12,520 Oh, Hunter said no. Oh, I'm so sorry. 24 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:15,080 But Hunter said no, and he's still. 25 00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:17,200 Saying no. He's saying no, but no one else 26 00:01:17,200 --> 00:01:21,040 can hear it but me. So I've had to really learn 27 00:01:21,520 --> 00:01:26,080 about creating boundaries, you know, for myself, yeah. 28 00:01:26,200 --> 00:01:29,840 That's kind of my new hero trait when I meet people because 29 00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,240 that's always been difficult for me. 30 00:01:31,240 --> 00:01:33,760 So I've always been like a yes person. 31 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:38,960 And obviously that changed immensely after I lost my 32 00:01:38,960 --> 00:01:42,080 spouse. Whenever I meet people that just 33 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:45,560 very calmly and coolly say, hey, you know, that's not going to 34 00:01:45,560 --> 00:01:49,120 work for me or that's not going to work for my kid or that's not 35 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:53,760 how my family, you know, does things, I'm just in awe of those 36 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:55,680 people. You know what I just heard? 37 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:56,720 This is so funny. I know. 38 00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:59,160 No coincidences. I just heard this last night. 39 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,280 Remember the Olsen twins from Full House? 40 00:02:01,920 --> 00:02:04,000 And now they do. You know, they're always. 41 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,240 Amazing clothing. I don't know. 42 00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:07,680 I think they're in their 30s, which. 43 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:11,640 Is crazy. But they said recently or not 44 00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:13,440 recently. It was an old clip, But they 45 00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:18,840 said no is a full sentence. No is a full sentence. 46 00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:21,200 And that was one thing that my husband used to tell me all the 47 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,560 time when I'd be writing emails to people or something. 48 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,880 He'd be like, too many words, too many words. 49 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:28,760 But I'm like, no, I need to explain that things are really 50 00:02:28,760 --> 00:02:31,640 hard right now. And I've got this and that. 51 00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:34,120 He's like, no, just short and sweet. 52 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:37,560 Yeah, no is a full sentence. I love that. 53 00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:41,120 Thank you, Olsen Twins. I read somewhere that like over 54 00:02:41,120 --> 00:02:47,400 explaining is sort of a symptom not being heard as a child or 55 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:48,320 something. Not really. 56 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:49,400 Being. That's. 57 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:53,680 Heard or validated? It can also be a Southern thing 58 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:56,280 too. Like I worked for a guy from the 59 00:02:56,280 --> 00:02:58,520 on the East Coast. I was on the West Coast, but he 60 00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:02,520 was an E Coaster and he said when you say you're not able to 61 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:05,040 make it, just say I'm not able to make it not I'm not able to 62 00:03:05,040 --> 00:03:07,080 make it because I got to do this, this, this, he said. 63 00:03:07,320 --> 00:03:08,880 That's enough. That ought to be enough. 64 00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:09,920 No. Why do we do that? 65 00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:13,000 Because I do that all the time and I'll type an e-mail or a 66 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:16,760 text and I'm like, rereading it. I'm like they don't need to know 67 00:03:16,760 --> 00:03:22,800 why I'm saying no or. I'm a people pleaser, so for me, 68 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:26,760 I don't want anybody to be mad. I want to make sure that they 69 00:03:26,760 --> 00:03:29,720 understand that, oh, this is a really hard decision, even if it 70 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:34,320 wasn't you know, so I is that part of it for? 71 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,080 Yeah, you. For you, Holly, you. 72 00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:40,080 Want to justify it or something? Yeah, don't be mad at me. 73 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:42,440 Right. They're going to be mad anyway. 74 00:03:42,440 --> 00:03:46,080 Doesn't even have a good. Reason why I'm not, you know, 75 00:03:46,080 --> 00:03:51,040 coming to the party or. But I find on the other end now 76 00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:56,520 if people are overexlaining to me, I feel like they're just 77 00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:59,040 trying to convince me. You know, maybe they didn't want 78 00:03:59,040 --> 00:04:00,280 to hang out with me. That's fine. 79 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:02,080 Just feel like, hey, I don't want to hang out with you 80 00:04:02,080 --> 00:04:03,560 tonight. Don't be like. 81 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:07,080 And the cat's sick and the because then you're like, wait, 82 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,720 wasn't the cat sickly? Right, it starts to sound like a 83 00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:11,800 lot I. Have a sick cat that that's 84 00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:13,720 like. Trouble yesterday or the day 85 00:04:13,760 --> 00:04:15,760 before? And now my cat said no A. 86 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,920 Real. Kira, I remember I was supposed 87 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:23,320 to go On this date, and that's a while ago and I did not want to 88 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:25,440 go and that was. Just a couple weeks ago. 89 00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:28,640 It was. Like a month ago. 90 00:04:28,640 --> 00:04:31,480 No, I don't want to. Go and I didn't want to go. 91 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:34,440 And Kira's like, well, just say your dog is sick and I'm like, 92 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:37,000 well, I can't say that because it's not true. 93 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:41,240 And finally I was like, I can't make it tonight. 94 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:45,880 And you didn't say good for you, that's progress, that's progress 95 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:47,760 it. Is and that it's so hard. 96 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:52,440 I think especially when you're just as a widow or a single 97 00:04:52,440 --> 00:04:58,560 parent, people tend to forget that and they expect you to keep 98 00:04:58,560 --> 00:05:03,880 up as if there is another person in the house and that that's 99 00:05:03,880 --> 00:05:06,320 it's. That's not the case, and you get 100 00:05:06,320 --> 00:05:10,760 overextended very quickly if you don't have your boundaries. 101 00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:15,120 So, OK, let's talk graduation. Which coming out. 102 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:20,560 Already been through. So Zach's graduating and all the 103 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:27,360 family's coming and I'm like having so much anxiety over 104 00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:33,720 everyone's staying at my house and and my sister was going to 105 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:38,160 sleep in my room with me and I was like, wait a second, I'm 106 00:05:38,160 --> 00:05:41,720 going to need my own space. And y'all all said, you need 107 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:45,080 somewhere to retreat. To This is one of those moments 108 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:49,000 that we talked about where the grief is going to come into play 109 00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:51,960 more so than usual. Your husband would. 110 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:55,360 You'd be doing this together to milestone and. 111 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,400 You need nothing against my sister asleep, you know. 112 00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:01,960 Although you do kind of laugh. But, you know, at any end of 113 00:06:01,960 --> 00:06:03,880 time would be fine. But I was like, there's going to 114 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:05,360 be like eight people in my house. 115 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:07,320 We're going to be trying to get ready for graduation. 116 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:08,960 And I'm having a party at my house. 117 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:14,440 I was like, so much anxiety. Well, you need some place to be 118 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:18,520 alone so that if you want to break down or right or you need 119 00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:20,960 to regroup, that's your safe place. 120 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:25,080 I mean, honestly, my mom used to live with me and I had to set 121 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:29,000 that boundary and it took her. And let her stay in your room. 122 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:34,800 She wanted to sleep with me. But even you, Lacey talking 123 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:38,320 about when you would go visit and your mom would be like well, 124 00:06:38,320 --> 00:06:43,160 you and. And she and and it took the 125 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:47,160 grief therapist to to say that's not going to work for you. 126 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:50,680 But because things have changed. We're down a man, as Kyra says. 127 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:52,440 I love that saying. I have a couple of saying one 128 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:55,280 from Hollywood, from you and from you that I've taken in. 129 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:57,600 And I say them a lot like we're down a man. 130 00:06:57,800 --> 00:07:00,040 I'm not the same person I was then. 131 00:07:00,160 --> 00:07:03,120 Yeah, I could go with the flow a lot more than than I can now. 132 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:07,280 Because now I like you. With graduation you have to 133 00:07:07,280 --> 00:07:10,080 anticipate some grief is going to roll in and it may not. 134 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:13,240 You may be so fortunate that you don't have any of that and it's 135 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:16,880 wistful and it and it breezes in and out, but it's best to be 136 00:07:16,880 --> 00:07:19,120 prepared for it and have your space. 137 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:24,040 So now you know, my mom, back when things were good, she was 138 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:26,240 fine with that. She would get right or his own 139 00:07:26,240 --> 00:07:28,400 room. I would get my space and it all 140 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:30,680 worked out after that. But it took me setting the 141 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:34,880 boundary, and that's the hardest step that all of us have to 142 00:07:34,880 --> 00:07:37,320 make. When I think people want us to 143 00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:40,120 be who we used to be, they want us to do as many things as we 144 00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:42,680 used to do before. And when you're down a man, it's 145 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:45,880 impossible. And I even want to be who I used 146 00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:47,640 to be. It's not possible anymore. 147 00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:52,960 And as you age, it really gets to be incredibly taxing, right? 148 00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:55,720 To try to do it all. I had sort of a similar 149 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:59,880 experience where I felt like almost like a child again 150 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:04,520 because my parents lived with me for a year after the car 151 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:07,360 accident, which I absolutely needed the help. 152 00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:11,680 But they were like in my home and I was you know, disabled by 153 00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:14,240 my injuries and I couldn't care for my kids. 154 00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:20,080 And it's almost like this reversing of time where I just, 155 00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:24,280 I felt like my parents were kind of running the house, but it was 156 00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:29,400 my house and I was 42 years old and it was really difficult. 157 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:34,080 And as soon as they, as I was able to take care of my kids 158 00:08:34,080 --> 00:08:36,440 again. And I remember driving was a big 159 00:08:36,440 --> 00:08:38,640 thing, 'cause I had all these surgeries on this arm and I 160 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:40,159 couldn't drive. And I was like, well, I guess I, 161 00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:42,799 you know, can't take care of the kids until I can drive. 162 00:08:43,559 --> 00:08:46,840 I sent my parents home. I was like, I love you, please 163 00:08:46,840 --> 00:08:48,480 leave my house. I just need. 164 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:51,560 I need my house back. I had to blame myself because. 165 00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:54,520 They were ready for that. Yeah, I was ready and they were 166 00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:56,680 ready. It is so interesting because 167 00:08:57,400 --> 00:09:01,360 because my mom was living with me as well and we're both 168 00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:06,360 overachievers, you know, we both are caretakers to do everything. 169 00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:11,120 And I started to realize that I wasn't doing anything anymore. 170 00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:15,800 And it wasn't until I went to a therapist and she was like, 171 00:09:16,360 --> 00:09:22,920 there's only 100% to give, there's only 100% to be done, 172 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:27,120 whatever. And if one person is doing 80%, 173 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:30,840 then there's only 20% left to do. 174 00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:34,240 It's just the way it is. And even though I'm typically an 175 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:38,520 overachiever, when I had another overachiever in the house, I all 176 00:09:38,520 --> 00:09:40,360 of a sudden became the underachiever. 177 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:44,360 And like you, I woke up one day and I was like, I'm not the 178 00:09:44,360 --> 00:09:47,880 matriarch of my house. I'm not the the mother. 179 00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:52,440 And as much as I loved not worrying about dinner and going 180 00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:55,840 to the grocery store and laundry and all of that, I realized that 181 00:09:55,960 --> 00:10:00,000 I had to take all that back in because it was making me, one, 182 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:05,000 feel terrible about myself and two, confusing my kids. 183 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:08,040 And it was harming my relationship with my mom. 184 00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:12,000 It was changing the relationship the kids had with my mom because 185 00:10:12,000 --> 00:10:14,560 now it was another parent. And yeah. 186 00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:17,320 I was like, she can come to my house and make dinner, yeah. 187 00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:18,640 It. Sounds. 188 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,120 Just for my. Laundry. 189 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,360 It sounds so great. A couple of weeks. 190 00:10:22,440 --> 00:10:26,640 I get it. Though I started feeling like, 191 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:30,160 what's my role? What is my purpose if I'm not 192 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:32,440 doing those things and I didn't like to do them? 193 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:36,000 And did you feel that regression like, well, I'm the kid again? 194 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,720 Like, Mom is the mom is mom? Yes. 195 00:10:38,720 --> 00:10:41,600 And I'm not Mom. I'm like a kid again. 196 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:44,960 Yes, I'm just part of, you know, the kid group and. 197 00:10:45,640 --> 00:10:48,400 Yeah, sitting at the Kitty. To only be one boss, like you 198 00:10:48,520 --> 00:10:51,920 said, and we're like, ready. I was ready to be like the boss 199 00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:55,320 of my It's a control thing too. I mean, I'm ready to take back 200 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,560 my life, right? Anything our listeners should 201 00:10:57,560 --> 00:11:00,160 know is that your Dynamos? Neither one of you, neither 202 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:02,120 Holly. None of us needs the help 203 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:04,480 really. I would like a little help, it'd 204 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,000 be nice. That's right, we can. 205 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:08,320 Keep it All four of us have been able. 206 00:11:08,640 --> 00:11:11,080 To I don't know, there's I need a lot of handyman. 207 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:13,800 That's what I need. I. 208 00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:15,880 Think he's coming tomorrow? Oh. 209 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,800 Good, I think. A handyman. 210 00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:20,120 Not a, not a, not a mom in the house. 211 00:11:20,200 --> 00:11:24,680 I think also going back to, like, boundaries as a widow, 212 00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:29,280 people want to help and that's awesome. 213 00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:31,960 But like, you know, we continually laugh about the 214 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:36,360 story that you told Lacey about not wanting to answer the door. 215 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:37,840 So you're. Literally. 216 00:11:38,080 --> 00:11:44,840 Crawling I know, but setting boundaries in that way too. 217 00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:47,800 You know you need your private space. 218 00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:51,720 You want to not have your your family maybe staying with you or 219 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:56,200 your parents living with you. And that also extends to friends 220 00:11:56,240 --> 00:12:00,880 just popping by without any warning. 221 00:12:01,080 --> 00:12:05,120 So you really have to set up clear boundaries for the help 222 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:08,240 that you need, which can be really hard when you're in that. 223 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:11,520 Everybody wants to help. You know, if you're, if you're 224 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:14,960 fortunate enough like we all were to have people that care 225 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:18,000 about us, that wanted to help. It's just like anything else. 226 00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:22,440 It also takes energy to have that interaction right, to have 227 00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:24,880 the conversations, just to have the face to face, just to have 228 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:28,280 the just to get out of the pajamas and brush the hair or 229 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:30,520 whatever needs to be done. If somebody's coming to your 230 00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:34,480 door and some days you just don't feel like it, you just 231 00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:35,760 don't want to. You just don't have. 232 00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:39,280 I think it's about protecting energy a lot for me, and it's 233 00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:42,720 still something that I struggle with, whether I'm getting into. 234 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:46,080 I feel like early on, if I ever got pulled into like a 235 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:49,960 conversation around maybe someone who was unhappy in their 236 00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:53,160 marriage or they were complaining to me about their 237 00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:56,840 spouse, that was really hard for me to kind of be there for that 238 00:12:56,840 --> 00:13:02,000 friend but also hold that energy for someone who was complaining 239 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:05,120 about a living, breathing spouse. 240 00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:08,760 And so there's emotional energy. There's, you know, just energy, 241 00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:11,760 energy like physical energy. And you know, you have to put 242 00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:14,280 boundaries up around that too, because you only have so much. 243 00:13:14,560 --> 00:13:18,600 And I really needed to preserve for myself and for my kids and 244 00:13:18,640 --> 00:13:22,480 didn't have like a whole lot leftover for a lot of years, so. 245 00:13:22,480 --> 00:13:26,200 That's hard too, because you want your friends to be able to 246 00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:31,600 complain about their spouse too. Like you want to be normal, have 247 00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:35,120 a normal conversation. You don't want them to, you 248 00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:38,040 know. And I'm saying this since we're 249 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:41,760 a lot further in, like, you know, in the early days if 250 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,800 someone days I. Realized I couldn't really be 251 00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:51,160 the friend, maybe that I was with Frank, you know, like that 252 00:13:51,160 --> 00:13:57,120 extra there for that friend or friends I had to pull back and 253 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,840 that was that was hard for me. Absolutely. 254 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:03,880 You have to. I found and I didn't have the 255 00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:07,600 energy to listen to all the negative. 256 00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:11,320 You know, I used to be and I'm a great pep talker and I love 257 00:14:11,320 --> 00:14:14,520 giving pep talks. But especially in the early days 258 00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:20,960 when I was so down and and just heavy myself to have other 259 00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:24,320 people come in and put their heaviness on me. 260 00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:28,520 And sometimes it was the same grief, you know, his his mom or 261 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:33,160 a friend or or my family. They're they're sad and and 262 00:14:33,160 --> 00:14:39,240 grieving and and it became like this extra burden and I couldn't 263 00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:41,120 take it on. I had to have the boundary of 264 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,760 like, I'm not going to answer that phone call. 265 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:48,880 I am going to roll off the couch or you know, I have to ask my 266 00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:52,920 family to leave or stay somewhere else because I don't 267 00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:57,160 want to take on their anxiety. I don't want to take on their 268 00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:02,440 their expectations. And we're all really kind and 269 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:04,960 generous people, and we're hostesses. 270 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:08,360 You know, like, if someone's at your house, I'm not just going 271 00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:11,240 to be sitting on the couch saying, yeah, go, you know where 272 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:14,120 the refrigerator is. You're going to have it stocked 273 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:17,760 and you're going to have plans. And it's just extra stuff. 274 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:20,760 That's. Like my my dad died two months 275 00:15:20,760 --> 00:15:25,000 after Toby and the Boundaries with my mom, That was a real 276 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,920 hard one. Because I couldn't. 277 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:29,240 I I wouldn't. Couldn't be there. 278 00:15:29,680 --> 00:15:34,880 For her, I mean it's still, it's still there. 279 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:40,040 Like when I don't know when holidays come up and she wants 280 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:42,960 things the way they always were and I have to set my boundaries. 281 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:47,120 I'm like the boys and I are going to do new things and it's 282 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:51,160 been hard, but I've done it. And good for you, because that 283 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:53,960 is our job, to protect our family first. 284 00:15:53,960 --> 00:15:56,200 Like, I love that your kids said Lyman's first. 285 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:59,120 Absolutely. It's absolutely true. 286 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:02,000 I was like Schmeltzlis. Doesn't sound quite as cool as 287 00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:05,600 Lyman, but I'll go with that. I liked that they said that 288 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,600 because I think that's true. But you know what I've learned 289 00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:10,600 in all of this is that I used to think near that old adage. 290 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:13,240 Misery loves company. It really doesn't. 291 00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:17,000 Someone has to be good to lift the other person up. 292 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:20,200 So have you ever noticed that if you go to someone that's 293 00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:22,240 miserable, you're miserable, and you know that person miserable, 294 00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:25,200 you can just get down in the weeds and it gets worse and 295 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:27,360 worse? And I'm like, no, where's my 296 00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:30,920 little Pollyanna at this moment? I'm going to go to her and help 297 00:16:30,920 --> 00:16:35,520 her, let her help me maybe see things differently. 298 00:16:35,520 --> 00:16:38,640 And there's maybe I can turn that dialogue around because 299 00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:41,680 I've I've learned to find those people when I because if I can 300 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:43,520 get in the weeds with someone that's not good for me. 301 00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:45,200 I've learned that for me that doesn't work. 302 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:46,760 Misery does not love company for me. 303 00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:50,160 I need somebody who's in a better place and that but has 304 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:55,600 also had struggles and watch them go through theirs and come 305 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:59,160 on the other side because and 12 1/2 years in I am. 306 00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:01,800 So I'm here to tell all of you that are in the early years. 307 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,280 It does get easier, less deep less dark. 308 00:17:04,280 --> 00:17:07,720 Less often is very true. But it doesn't mean you won't 309 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:09,480 have your moments. I still have them. 310 00:17:09,520 --> 00:17:13,680 Things happen like graduations like what Holly's you know going 311 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:17,839 through that was me last year and this year's empty nesting 312 00:17:17,839 --> 00:17:21,599 and they'll always be something. But I'm trying to take a card 313 00:17:21,599 --> 00:17:24,240 out of Whitney's playbook. You're you always are looking 314 00:17:24,240 --> 00:17:27,040 for the lessons. So I'm always going, OK, I'm 315 00:17:27,040 --> 00:17:28,359 going to do that. I'm going to look for the 316 00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:32,560 lessons, but I'm also going to try to see if I can turn that 317 00:17:32,560 --> 00:17:36,440 dialogue in my head around and maybe try to not be Pollyanna. 318 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:38,320 I can't do that. That's way too far for me. 319 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:42,000 But maybe try to find something positive that I can learn from 320 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:45,360 it and make my life better. I don't want, I don't want to 321 00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:47,800 live back where I used to live in those early days. 322 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:50,640 I can't stay there and I can't stay there for very long because 323 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:55,000 if I do, I can't be successful in my life, my business, my 324 00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:58,360 friendships, everything suffers. We'll be right back. 325 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:02,680 We recently had a podcast about our husband's ashes. 326 00:18:02,680 --> 00:18:05,520 Sadly, Kira still can't get into the box, can you? 327 00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:07,360 We have to get in the box. I'm working on. 328 00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:10,520 I'm working on the box. The whole point is you want to 329 00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:12,600 be able to do something with those ashes. 330 00:18:12,680 --> 00:18:16,480 I came across a great website, itscalledspiritpieces.com, and 331 00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:20,120 what I love about it is that they give you a variety of 332 00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:22,760 options. It's jewelry, it's glass art, 333 00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,640 It's statues. You can do a ton of stuff with 334 00:18:25,640 --> 00:18:28,680 ashes, and we all have quite a few ashes. 335 00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:30,480 There's a lot in the box. Yeah. 336 00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:33,880 There is a lot in the box. I like the paperweight idea. 337 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:37,280 Doesn't. Spiritpieces.com have 338 00:18:37,560 --> 00:18:38,400 paperweight. Yes. 339 00:18:38,400 --> 00:18:40,600 And you know what's so great? And there's one that I'm 340 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,680 actually going to order. It's this Heart paperweight, and 341 00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:45,880 it's beautiful. And when the light hits it, it 342 00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,960 feels very heavenly. That's so pretty. 343 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,240 I know. So if you're interested, if this 344 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:53,480 is something that you would like for your own loved one, 345 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:58,240 spiritpieces.com forward slash every widow thing so they know 346 00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:02,920 that you heard about it through us is a great option for for you 347 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:05,200 and for your loved one. We hope you check it out. 348 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:09,360 Hey guys, Whitney here and I'm about to share some information 349 00:19:09,360 --> 00:19:13,120 with you that can make a very stressful situation super, super 350 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:15,200 easy. Talking about buying or selling 351 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:17,760 a home, I have the perfect realtor for you. 352 00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:21,200 Her name is Meredith Slauser. She's a real estate agent based 353 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:23,880 out of LA, but she has teams all over the world. 354 00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:26,960 So if you're not in that LA area, you can still give 355 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:31,520 Meredith a call and she can put you in the hands of an expert. 356 00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:33,760 Here's the deal, all right? You want to work with someone 357 00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:37,400 who is knowledgeable, dedicated, trustworthy, and also a good 358 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:38,720 person. You're going to be spending a 359 00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:41,200 lot of time with him. I was able to work with Meredith 360 00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:43,480 when Hunter and I were moving to Austin. 361 00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:46,840 She handled every portion of the sale of our home client. 362 00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:50,280 Satisfaction takes precedent over the transaction, if you 363 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:52,320 know what I mean. Her website is Meredith 364 00:19:52,320 --> 00:19:54,960 slaucer.com. Her info will be up on our every 365 00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:58,000 Widow thing, Instagram highlight reel under sponsors. 366 00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:00,920 And if you do end up calling Meredith or reaching out to her, 367 00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:03,200 please let her know that you heard it here on every widow 368 00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:06,200 thing. And now back to the episode. 369 00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:14,840 There's a phrase energy. Flows where attention goes. 370 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:19,680 So if you're sitting with someone in there just going down 371 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:23,840 deep into their whatever their victim mentality or their 372 00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:28,560 husband or they're complaining or whatever, that's just growing 373 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:31,520 that, you know, it feels good for a second. 374 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:34,560 I mean, don't get me wrong, I like to complain, you know? 375 00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:38,160 But after a while I realized we're just both working 376 00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:42,960 ourselves up into a frenzy and there's nothing positive that's 377 00:20:42,960 --> 00:20:44,760 going to come from that. So then you have to flip it 378 00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:45,720 around. But. 379 00:20:46,320 --> 00:20:48,000 I think there's a lot of women out there. 380 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:51,640 I mean, not to speak to the Barbie movie, but I guess, yes, 381 00:20:51,640 --> 00:20:53,840 Speaking of the Barbie movie, Barbie movie, the America 382 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:58,160 Ferrera, you know, right. I think we all probably were 383 00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:00,760 there in that, you know, with our kids. 384 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:05,160 I mean, I was class parent and doing the brownies and the 385 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,160 soccer. You know, Frank was coaching the 386 00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:11,080 soccer team and we were still like also social. 387 00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:12,680 We were throwing parties at our house. 388 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:16,960 I mean, we had all the things that you have when you're 389 00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:20,000 involved in a community and you have kids and you're social. 390 00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:23,800 But I think, you know, you mentioned earlier when something 391 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:27,160 like this happens and you are, you've lost your partner and 392 00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:30,160 you're down, your capacity is just halved, right? 393 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:36,680 And I had to really get over other people's perception of me. 394 00:21:36,680 --> 00:21:40,320 You know, like, am I still, you know, working out five days a 395 00:21:40,320 --> 00:21:43,320 week and in a book club and, you know, doing all the things with 396 00:21:43,320 --> 00:21:45,720 the kids and planning the big birthday parties? 397 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:49,480 And I was no longer that person. I just couldn't do that anymore. 398 00:21:49,480 --> 00:21:53,040 And I think you have to like, reframe people's expectations. 399 00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:55,600 And that was kind of hard. I felt like people would think 400 00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:58,600 less of me or devalue me in some way. 401 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:01,600 And now I'm just at a point where I don't really care. 402 00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:05,000 I'll even say even though it's been a long time, I'll even say, 403 00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:07,120 you know, I'm a single mom. I'm a single parent. 404 00:22:08,280 --> 00:22:13,720 I can't get to all the different activities and be as involved or 405 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:16,800 chairing the events or whatever it is that people are maybe 406 00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:19,440 expected from the past. And that's not their fault. 407 00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:22,240 They're just they just know you from. 408 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:23,960 They're thinking about their own stuff, yeah. 409 00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:26,600 Yeah. They just think your capacity is 410 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:29,400 the same and they're not thinking, wow, I wonder if her 411 00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:32,800 capacity is diminished by this, you know, which it absolutely 412 00:22:32,800 --> 00:22:34,920 is. And mine also, with my injuries 413 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:37,400 and everything, mine was just completely wiped out. 414 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,400 It's hard to come to terms with who you were then, who you are 415 00:22:40,400 --> 00:22:44,480 now, finding that balance and just letting people know. 416 00:22:44,920 --> 00:22:47,800 You know, it's not that I don't want to be involved. 417 00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:51,640 It's not that I don't miss book club or miss mahjong or 418 00:22:51,640 --> 00:22:53,560 whatever. I don't want to help out more at 419 00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:56,600 the school. I do but I can't. 420 00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:58,240 Right. I can't set the boundaries. 421 00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:01,120 I love what you said about you. You're not thinking so much 422 00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:04,400 about what their perception is anymore. 423 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:08,040 Because I think that's what keeps people from setting clear 424 00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:12,040 boundaries, because they're trying to control other people's 425 00:23:12,040 --> 00:23:15,040 thoughts about them. And one of the things that my 426 00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:20,680 therapist said to me that I just loved was we have our own yard. 427 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:26,000 Every person has a yard, and in that yard are the things that 428 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:30,720 you can control, and they are your actions, your beliefs, your 429 00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:34,040 consequences, your emotions, and your coping skills. 430 00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:37,960 If you're trying to control any of these things for someone 431 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:42,680 else, you're out of your yard. And that I have come back to so 432 00:23:42,680 --> 00:23:45,240 many times because why am I doing this? 433 00:23:45,240 --> 00:23:48,840 Am I doing this because I want them to feel something? 434 00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:51,400 Well, then I'm not going to do it. 435 00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:56,400 Therapist had a similar analogy about people's piles of shit. 436 00:23:57,400 --> 00:24:00,400 All right. She was like, is that Margaret? 437 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:03,240 Here's, yeah, she was like, here's your pile of shit. 438 00:24:03,240 --> 00:24:05,560 It's huge. Like you're you're. 439 00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:09,040 OK, Kira, you need. A pile of shit. 440 00:24:10,200 --> 00:24:13,960 And she's like, then there was some things going on in my life 441 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:18,240 with some other people that were trying to get me to help out 442 00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:20,320 with their pile of shit, like, go over. 443 00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:24,280 And so she was like, before you get involved every time you're 444 00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:27,400 like, is that my pile of shit or is that her pile of shit? 445 00:24:27,400 --> 00:24:30,200 Right. And can I be supportive in like, 446 00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:34,720 I really hope you know you've got a great shovel and I'm here 447 00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:39,160 cheering you on while you shovel shovel your pile of shit, but 448 00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:41,640 I'm not going to shovel your pile of shit for you. 449 00:24:41,960 --> 00:24:43,760 Right. Because I'm over here with mine. 450 00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:46,160 Right. Yeah, you know, what's I? 451 00:24:46,240 --> 00:24:48,560 Maybe that's a gross image. No, we love it. 452 00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:49,800 Well go, Margaret. We like. 453 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:51,960 I don't think about. It I'm still like, if I get 454 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,440 drawn into something, I'm still like, that's not my pile of 455 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,480 shit, yeah. I'm. 456 00:24:56,880 --> 00:25:00,720 Finding the hardest thing to like if you know the CS Lewis, I 457 00:25:00,720 --> 00:25:02,240 think I put that out on Instagram. 458 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:05,240 That's kind of been my focus the last several years. 459 00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:08,640 Is that what is your purpose? Like, for the longest time it 460 00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:11,400 was to raise my kid. And now that he's grown, I mean, 461 00:25:11,400 --> 00:25:14,920 he's 19, so he's sort of grown. But the next thing is, is that 462 00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:17,200 what we're doing now is helping other widows. 463 00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:21,400 But we've all talked about this, like, how far do you go with, 464 00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:25,240 with your mission? Like, you have to set boundaries 465 00:25:25,240 --> 00:25:27,840 around that too. Because first and foremost, I 466 00:25:27,840 --> 00:25:30,240 mean, we still are single parents. 467 00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:32,600 We still only have so much energy. 468 00:25:32,600 --> 00:25:36,040 And if you have a job, you have to give them a certain amount of 469 00:25:36,040 --> 00:25:38,560 energy and you have to put boundaries around those people 470 00:25:39,120 --> 00:25:42,520 and the people that I always respected, which is one of the 471 00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:46,040 reasons why I married Oliver's that in business he would leave 472 00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:49,840 at 6:00 at work no matter what. Bye, bye. 473 00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:52,720 I'm going home to my family and I'm going to eat dinner with my 474 00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:54,080 family. I'm going to bathe my kid. 475 00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:56,800 He would log back in because he did do startup tech. 476 00:25:56,800 --> 00:25:59,280 So you can't just have a nine to five job. 477 00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,240 But every night they knew he was leaving. 478 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:03,200 So they got to the point where they would wave and they're all 479 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:05,840 still coding and doing their things and all the engineers 480 00:26:05,840 --> 00:26:09,400 that that worked with him and but he set that boundary early 481 00:26:09,400 --> 00:26:14,800 on at every job he had and and he never offered excuses and I 482 00:26:14,960 --> 00:26:17,120 thought God why can't I be more like him? 483 00:26:17,520 --> 00:26:20,560 You posted something recently, Kira, that I just loved so much 484 00:26:20,560 --> 00:26:24,600 and I feel like it goes into the Boundaries arena because you 485 00:26:24,600 --> 00:26:27,600 just redid your a room in your house. 486 00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:30,440 It looks so good so. Good and I got. 487 00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:33,280 Teary I realize it's very white, no? 488 00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:35,640 I kind of like. So refreshing. 489 00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:37,280 No, it's beautiful. So. 490 00:26:37,360 --> 00:26:40,320 That's a boundary right there, because that room could have 491 00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:43,600 been many different things. Can you talk about it a little 492 00:26:43,600 --> 00:26:45,680 bit for those people? Yeah, sure. 493 00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:51,240 And I mean the interesting thing about that is my fiance who also 494 00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:53,360 has his own business was like, well, where am I going to work 495 00:26:53,360 --> 00:26:55,200 because he's transitioning into my home. 496 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:58,400 And initially we were going to share that space. 497 00:26:58,400 --> 00:27:01,440 And then as it started to kind of come together, I was like, I 498 00:27:01,800 --> 00:27:04,880 don't a, I don't think us sharing an office is a good idea 499 00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:08,040 and BI think this is going to be my space. 500 00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:11,200 And he was very cool about it and was like, I could see that 501 00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:13,760 now that that is the best solution. 502 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:17,200 Give a background on the room you had out. 503 00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:20,840 You were living in there after the car accident as well? 504 00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:24,560 Yes. So it's a first floor den space 505 00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:27,720 and all the bedrooms are upstairs in my house and I could 506 00:27:27,720 --> 00:27:30,000 not walk. I think I was non weight bearing 507 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:35,080 for like 16 weeks or 15 weeks. And so I did get out of the 508 00:27:35,080 --> 00:27:38,080 hospital, was dying to get home and see my kids. 509 00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:43,280 But I was in a hospital bed and a wheelchair and then all 510 00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:46,280 various and sundry things, which some of my friends observed me 511 00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:50,360 going through. Like there was a Walker at one 512 00:27:50,360 --> 00:27:54,080 point and then they wanted me to have a cane, which I refused. 513 00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:56,120 I've refused the cane. Yeah. 514 00:27:56,120 --> 00:28:01,720 So after my second child went to college, he was the big, you 515 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:05,880 know, gaming guy. And Thomas went to college and I 516 00:28:05,880 --> 00:28:07,840 was like, we got to do something with this disgusting room. 517 00:28:07,840 --> 00:28:11,800 It's just. And my desk was in my bed, was 518 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:14,960 in the master bedroom. And that's not really a very 519 00:28:14,960 --> 00:28:17,480 productive place to have my workspace. 520 00:28:17,480 --> 00:28:18,320 That's where my. Lives, right? 521 00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:22,680 There, that's where mine is. And I just decided yeah. 522 00:28:23,120 --> 00:28:26,800 Was there any emotion behind redoing it or? 523 00:28:28,320 --> 00:28:32,840 Not until I started to look back at those photos from that time 524 00:28:32,880 --> 00:28:36,800 and just what a difficult time that was. 525 00:28:36,880 --> 00:28:40,560 It kind of pulled up some some stuff, but I am just thrilled to 526 00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:42,520 have a room of my own. So I. 527 00:28:42,520 --> 00:28:45,200 Know it made me want to do so. I know, I was like. 528 00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:49,320 Not everyone has homes that are that big, but it's it's been a 529 00:28:49,320 --> 00:28:51,800 game changer. Right, well it's setting up a 530 00:28:51,800 --> 00:28:55,520 boundary like a physical boundary too, of like This is 531 00:28:55,520 --> 00:28:59,360 where my work takes place. I wish I'd done it sooner, but I 532 00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:04,280 also appreciate the not getting around to it because it is and 533 00:29:04,280 --> 00:29:05,840 then it is still a work in progress. 534 00:29:05,840 --> 00:29:08,680 I don't really have much on the walls and I'm still getting my 535 00:29:08,680 --> 00:29:14,880 paperwork organized, but just to have something very clean and 536 00:29:14,880 --> 00:29:20,040 Zen, and the piles are at least kind of hidden away in that 537 00:29:20,040 --> 00:29:21,720 cabinet. It's inspiring. 538 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:24,320 I mean, just looking at the picture made me want to get 539 00:29:24,320 --> 00:29:28,200 organized and do some work. All right, So we've talked about 540 00:29:28,200 --> 00:29:32,640 boundaries with family. Do we friends? 541 00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:36,840 We kind of touched on, I guess, briefly saying you don't have to 542 00:29:36,840 --> 00:29:41,920 take on their piles of shit. What about boundaries with like 543 00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:46,680 your fiance and he's moving into your home and I don't know, and 544 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:50,080 even boundaries dating. Yeah, boundaries around dating. 545 00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:53,880 Yeah, I had a recent date, a couple of dates with different 546 00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:57,600 people, and the boundary conversation came up very 547 00:29:57,600 --> 00:29:59,120 quickly. And I did that on purpose 548 00:29:59,120 --> 00:30:01,920 because I think there have been times in my life I was on there 549 00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:05,280 just having fun. And now I'm dating with 550 00:30:05,280 --> 00:30:07,640 intention not to marry because I don't know about that. 551 00:30:07,640 --> 00:30:10,280 That means the person, right? I don't decide I'm going to get 552 00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:13,280 married till I find the person, but I am going to date with 553 00:30:13,280 --> 00:30:15,720 intention, meaning I'm not wasting my time, just have 554 00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:18,480 someone to go out with. I have plenty of friends, males 555 00:30:18,480 --> 00:30:22,280 and females to go play with, so I'd rather date with intention. 556 00:30:22,280 --> 00:30:25,120 So I tell them on the front end so that they know. 557 00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:29,160 I find that's better because I'm not wasting my time in there. 558 00:30:29,160 --> 00:30:32,240 So I had to have that conversation on a a second date 559 00:30:32,280 --> 00:30:34,640 of that. I'm a relationship person. 560 00:30:35,280 --> 00:30:39,600 I'm looking for a relationship. I would rather wait and have the 561 00:30:39,600 --> 00:30:42,040 right one than to be with the wrong one. 562 00:30:42,040 --> 00:30:44,880 I That's just me. So how was this boundary 563 00:30:44,880 --> 00:30:46,000 received? Yeah, really. 564 00:30:46,160 --> 00:30:49,400 Well, yeah, it came up in a way that because they they're in a 565 00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:52,480 different place than I am in terms of its divorce and its 566 00:30:52,480 --> 00:30:54,760 recent. And I've been a widow obviously 567 00:30:54,760 --> 00:30:57,680 12 1/2 years and I waited three years to date. 568 00:30:57,760 --> 00:30:59,480 So and I said, you know, I understand. 569 00:30:59,880 --> 00:31:03,920 I said basically, I understand with people need time to figure 570 00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:06,280 it out. I'm OK with someone figuring it 571 00:31:06,280 --> 00:31:09,680 out, but there's probably not going to be a romantic, a real 572 00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:14,160 true romantic relationship until I feel like we're on the same 573 00:31:14,160 --> 00:31:15,800 page. And what did he say? 574 00:31:15,880 --> 00:31:18,560 And like, first of all, did you write something out ahead of 575 00:31:18,560 --> 00:31:20,680 time? No, I just spoke from the heart. 576 00:31:20,680 --> 00:31:24,120 I think that the truth is your truth is what matters. 577 00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:27,720 This is where I am. So if you're not in that same 578 00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:29,840 place, it's probably not going to work. 579 00:31:29,880 --> 00:31:32,480 You'll know on the front end and it gets you out of things 580 00:31:32,480 --> 00:31:36,680 quicker than than you know. And I don't judge people's as 581 00:31:36,680 --> 00:31:39,240 soon as your husband's dead, you're free to date at any point 582 00:31:39,240 --> 00:31:42,040 in time in my mind. If you want to do it a day 583 00:31:42,040 --> 00:31:46,240 after, that's up to you. I had to take time because I it 584 00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:49,520 grossed me out number one. But now you know this many years 585 00:31:49,520 --> 00:31:53,160 in, I'm dating with intention, meaning that if I go out with 586 00:31:53,160 --> 00:31:54,520 you, I must like you a little bit. 587 00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:58,520 Took me a long time to figure it out and my dating is like, it's 588 00:31:58,520 --> 00:32:03,640 better to be upfront with them. Don't don't go just because you 589 00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:06,560 feel bad about it, right? You're wasting the main time. 590 00:32:06,560 --> 00:32:10,200 You're wasting your time. And also in the beginning, I 591 00:32:10,200 --> 00:32:15,080 remember Whitney told me if you go on a date and you get home 592 00:32:15,080 --> 00:32:18,400 and you know it's not a match, tell them. 593 00:32:18,920 --> 00:32:22,480 And I did that like the very first date I went on. 594 00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:24,960 And waste anybody's time. Took me a long time to figure. 595 00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:27,560 I was super nice. I was going out on 2nd and 3rd 596 00:32:27,560 --> 00:32:29,360 dates just because I like was trying to be. 597 00:32:29,400 --> 00:32:32,200 Right, because you hide trying to get in their pile of shit and 598 00:32:32,280 --> 00:32:34,560 controlling. Their yard, their their pile of 599 00:32:34,560 --> 00:32:36,120 shit. And they I would sit through the 600 00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:38,920 date with my wine while they, like, talked about their divorce 601 00:32:38,920 --> 00:32:40,440 and complained about their ex-wife. 602 00:32:40,840 --> 00:32:42,160 And then? I felt like it, though. 603 00:32:42,280 --> 00:32:45,280 I mean, because you kind of want something to do. 604 00:32:45,280 --> 00:32:47,840 You go through phases. I mean, like, right now, I'm 605 00:32:48,120 --> 00:32:50,200 really. I had that one day that I didn't 606 00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:52,800 go on. But I'm really not dating. 607 00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:54,920 I'm not on the apps because I'm. Too. 608 00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:56,400 Busy. Yeah. 609 00:32:56,840 --> 00:33:02,440 It's like graduation season and something every weekend right 610 00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:04,920 now, so I need to get through this and. 611 00:33:04,920 --> 00:33:06,320 Yeah. And that's so good. 612 00:33:06,320 --> 00:33:08,200 I think sometimes it's hard to set a boundary. 613 00:33:08,200 --> 00:33:12,680 If you think I oh, that's going to push things back for me, like 614 00:33:12,680 --> 00:33:16,640 and then I I'm going to lose time or or I'm going to miss out 615 00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:20,240 on something. And so you say, oh, I'll just go 616 00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:22,560 ahead and do it, even though everything in your body is 617 00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:26,120 saying, no, don't do. It, yeah, I think we've all been 618 00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:29,640 through that FOMO of like, well, if I go off the app, maybe I'll 619 00:33:29,640 --> 00:33:32,560 miss out on like the man of my right, the man of my dreams the 620 00:33:32,800 --> 00:33:34,240 same. People are going to be there in 621 00:33:34,280 --> 00:33:35,400 a year. So. 622 00:33:36,160 --> 00:33:38,320 That is a perfect point, the Holly just said. 623 00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:40,160 Did y'all hear that? The same people. 624 00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:41,560 The same people are going to be there. 625 00:33:41,760 --> 00:33:44,040 Well, it is good to talk about the boundaries. 626 00:33:44,040 --> 00:33:46,920 You're dealing with so much emotion and you're feeling 627 00:33:46,920 --> 00:33:50,560 already like you're a burden to people maybe or you're always 628 00:33:50,560 --> 00:33:54,400 the one that needs something. So you are more willing to take 629 00:33:54,400 --> 00:33:57,600 on for other people as like a payback or something. 630 00:33:57,720 --> 00:34:01,560 That's absolutely the at a wrong time, you should be taking full 631 00:34:01,560 --> 00:34:05,960 advantage of setting those boundaries and saying I cannot 632 00:34:05,960 --> 00:34:10,000 do this and I and you know, you could just stop there because no 633 00:34:10,000 --> 00:34:13,960 is a full sentence. But the truth is you're dealing 634 00:34:13,960 --> 00:34:16,840 with things that people can't even see emotionally. 635 00:34:16,840 --> 00:34:20,199 And like you said, Lacey, it doesn't end. 636 00:34:20,880 --> 00:34:24,080 It does get less often, but we're always going to have 637 00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:26,960 moments where that grief comes back in and those boundaries are 638 00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:30,440 going to protect us. So I'm proud of you, Holly, for 639 00:34:31,000 --> 00:34:33,800 not not opening up your home to everyone. 640 00:34:33,800 --> 00:34:35,800 That's hard to That is very hard. 641 00:34:36,120 --> 00:34:39,920 I think we all just have to, me included in the world. 642 00:34:39,920 --> 00:34:43,280 Even with, like our grief. We have to be more grace giving 643 00:34:43,280 --> 00:34:46,440 to other people too. Yeah, like they're going through 644 00:34:46,440 --> 00:34:48,840 their own, what is it? Their own yard, their own pile 645 00:34:48,840 --> 00:34:50,639 of shit? They've got theirs too. 646 00:34:50,639 --> 00:34:55,000 So when dating, it's almost easier that if I think that way, 647 00:34:55,000 --> 00:34:57,520 if I think, wow, they probably have their own crap they're 648 00:34:57,520 --> 00:34:59,440 dealing with. It may not be a death, but I'm 649 00:34:59,440 --> 00:35:03,240 sure by this age, by the time you're in your 50s, you've had 650 00:35:03,240 --> 00:35:06,120 enough life and enough stuff with your kids that they've got 651 00:35:06,120 --> 00:35:07,440 their own stuff they're dealing with. 652 00:35:07,440 --> 00:35:11,120 So maybe just not be so. I mean, I've had to teach myself 653 00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:13,840 that because there's a lot of anger that comes from grief and 654 00:35:13,840 --> 00:35:16,360 you can be angry that everybody else is not having to deal with 655 00:35:16,360 --> 00:35:18,400 the death or they're not having to deal with this or. 656 00:35:18,880 --> 00:35:21,120 And then I realized it may not be a death, but I bet you they 657 00:35:21,120 --> 00:35:23,880 got something that is. Everywhere, yeah. 658 00:35:23,880 --> 00:35:28,440 I've also had to set boundaries with like conversations with 659 00:35:28,440 --> 00:35:31,920 people, neg any negative energy. I can't. 660 00:35:31,960 --> 00:35:36,840 I can't take it. So I try to limit y'all y'all 661 00:35:36,840 --> 00:35:38,560 agree. Yeah, I don't pick up the phone. 662 00:35:39,200 --> 00:35:41,960 I don't want to be shoveling their shit, and that was 663 00:35:41,960 --> 00:35:44,400 happening to me a lot. People were leaning on me with 664 00:35:44,400 --> 00:35:48,680 their problems and I wasn't AS maybe because I had been there 665 00:35:48,680 --> 00:35:52,400 for them in the past and I wanted to be, but then I had to 666 00:35:52,400 --> 00:35:55,000 stop and say what's more important here? 667 00:35:55,000 --> 00:36:00,040 You know, I've got to protect this so I can protect my kids. 668 00:36:00,400 --> 00:36:04,280 And I had to really. That was a huge moment for me 669 00:36:04,280 --> 00:36:06,760 where I was like, you know what? I don't have to be everyone's 670 00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:08,800 therapist. That was a huge boundary for me 671 00:36:08,800 --> 00:36:11,920 as I don't, and I'm still saying it, especially now with kids in 672 00:36:11,920 --> 00:36:15,400 college, I don't have to fix this. 673 00:36:16,320 --> 00:36:18,880 That is a boundary that I'm really working on and that goes 674 00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:21,400 into play with friends like they want to be. 675 00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:23,280 They want me to be the therapist or whatever. 676 00:36:23,280 --> 00:36:29,440 And I will say me not sometimes, no, everybody, we all do it. 677 00:36:29,440 --> 00:36:31,920 But the boundary is. A lifetime membership. 678 00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:34,480 I'm not answering Holly's call. I don't know. 679 00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:37,720 I don't have to pick up, but also, and I do this a lot with 680 00:36:37,720 --> 00:36:42,680 my family members, I will pick up, but I am quiet, which is 681 00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:44,120 very hard for me, as you all know. 682 00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:48,200 And instead of going well because my my family's nature is 683 00:36:48,200 --> 00:36:50,040 to go well, you know what you should do. 684 00:36:50,400 --> 00:36:54,640 Or well, let me tell you how to fix this And instead I sit and I 685 00:36:54,640 --> 00:36:56,960 just go, wow, yeah. Oh, that sounds that sounds 686 00:36:56,960 --> 00:36:59,040 hard. I'm not going to bring in the 687 00:36:59,040 --> 00:37:01,640 burden of trying to sort through someone else's shit. 688 00:37:02,320 --> 00:37:08,160 But it's also hard when you're talking to someone like I'm 689 00:37:08,160 --> 00:37:12,480 trying to get over needing validation on all my choices, 690 00:37:13,360 --> 00:37:16,560 which I'm I'm, I'm working real hard on, but well. 691 00:37:16,560 --> 00:37:20,960 You've lost your main validator. I know when Frank died, he was 692 00:37:20,960 --> 00:37:24,600 my main validator. And he was probably and you 693 00:37:24,600 --> 00:37:28,040 know, going through making just, I mean like even starting the 694 00:37:28,040 --> 00:37:33,160 podcast and then helping my kids make their choices, what, you 695 00:37:33,160 --> 00:37:38,800 know, what college they're going to or whatever it is and and 696 00:37:39,720 --> 00:37:43,680 like having someone on the other side, like, well, why are you 697 00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:47,640 doing that, like questioning me and making me question myself? 698 00:37:48,840 --> 00:37:51,280 Don't get that? Yeah, and again, as a single 699 00:37:51,280 --> 00:37:55,080 parent, it's only you. I mean, it's not you and your 700 00:37:55,080 --> 00:37:58,040 spouse talking to your kids about what college they should 701 00:37:58,040 --> 00:38:02,880 go to or what vacation y'all should take or what house 702 00:38:02,880 --> 00:38:06,920 renovations you should do. It's no longer you and your 703 00:38:06,920 --> 00:38:08,880 partner. It's now just you. 704 00:38:08,880 --> 00:38:11,400 It's all on you. So when things go sideways or 705 00:38:11,400 --> 00:38:13,800 maybe mistakes are made, you're like, it's all my fault. 706 00:38:13,800 --> 00:38:17,400 And I think that's scary. Yeah, but it is what it is. 707 00:38:17,400 --> 00:38:22,480 And also we have to remember that even if it was the wrong 708 00:38:22,480 --> 00:38:25,960 decision, most of the time it's not. 709 00:38:25,960 --> 00:38:32,320 I mean, it's not life or death, you know, If your intention is 710 00:38:32,320 --> 00:38:37,240 kindness, loving, it doesn't matter how they receive it. 711 00:38:37,560 --> 00:38:39,760 There's a worry that you're going to hurt their feelings. 712 00:38:39,960 --> 00:38:42,720 When I told my mom that I didn't need her to live with me 713 00:38:42,720 --> 00:38:46,360 anymore, I was so heartbroken because I broke her heart. 714 00:38:46,840 --> 00:38:49,640 But my intention was not that, you know? 715 00:38:49,720 --> 00:38:54,480 So when you set your boundaries, whatever they are always be and 716 00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:55,960 and the decisions that you're making. 717 00:38:55,960 --> 00:38:59,000 Think about what's my intention? To help? 718 00:38:59,120 --> 00:39:04,520 To be loving, To be kind. So whatever the outcome is, your 719 00:39:04,520 --> 00:39:06,520 intention is all you could control. 720 00:39:06,560 --> 00:39:11,560 Just to what Holly was saying, like, I also felt like I lost my 721 00:39:11,720 --> 00:39:15,840 the person that validated me, you know, that if I said, hey, I 722 00:39:15,840 --> 00:39:18,480 think I'm going to go back to Graduate School or I think I'm 723 00:39:18,480 --> 00:39:22,400 going to take this job or start this, you know, business. 724 00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:25,640 My husband was the one that was like, I think that's a great 725 00:39:25,640 --> 00:39:27,040 idea. You know, how can I help you 726 00:39:27,040 --> 00:39:28,960 with that? Or, you know, you're really good 727 00:39:28,960 --> 00:39:30,720 at this. Why don't you try, you know, try 728 00:39:30,720 --> 00:39:34,280 this instead? And when you lose your validator 729 00:39:34,560 --> 00:39:37,680 and then you're just on your own and you're in charge of these 730 00:39:37,680 --> 00:39:41,000 humans if you have kids. And a lot of us parents, 731 00:39:41,000 --> 00:39:44,800 unfortunately, how our kids are doing is like we take that as a 732 00:39:44,800 --> 00:39:48,560 direct reflection of what we've done and our parenting and 733 00:39:48,560 --> 00:39:51,280 whatever mistakes or good things that we've done. 734 00:39:51,360 --> 00:39:55,520 That all gets so much harder because you're you're sort of 735 00:39:55,520 --> 00:39:58,440 looking over your shoulder like, well, who am I going to ask? 736 00:39:58,800 --> 00:39:59,760 Why? It's just me. 737 00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:02,600 It seems like it's gotten harder and maybe it's just because. 738 00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:05,640 The age, you know, the age of our children. 739 00:40:06,080 --> 00:40:09,760 But we like in early days. Like the early days. 740 00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:13,480 That sounds stupid, but in the beginning, I was like, I don't 741 00:40:13,480 --> 00:40:17,800 care what anybody thinks. I'm going to do this for me and 742 00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:20,600 my kids and I don't care what you think. 743 00:40:20,720 --> 00:40:22,640 Yeah, for some reason. Now I care. 744 00:40:22,640 --> 00:40:25,520 I know, but now we're not in survival mode. 745 00:40:25,520 --> 00:40:29,640 Anymore, but also right after an event like that, a traumatic 746 00:40:29,640 --> 00:40:32,920 event, everything that's unimportant falls away. 747 00:40:33,280 --> 00:40:37,160 It literally strips you down to what is important. 748 00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:42,760 And then sadly, that lesson starts to get. 749 00:40:42,960 --> 00:40:47,080 The life starts to come back in, they pile in and and you start 750 00:40:47,080 --> 00:40:51,760 to forget those first real important lessons that you learn 751 00:40:51,760 --> 00:40:54,240 from losing somebody. Well, and also I feel like 752 00:40:54,240 --> 00:40:57,640 people in general, like everything's normal now. 753 00:40:57,640 --> 00:41:00,120 Oh yeah, yeah. And it's still not it's. 754 00:41:00,120 --> 00:41:03,640 Never going to be normal. After listening to everybody 755 00:41:03,840 --> 00:41:07,560 here, the one thing I feel so like maybe I'm turning into 756 00:41:07,560 --> 00:41:11,640 Whitney. I'm feeling so. 757 00:41:11,840 --> 00:41:14,480 Positive need to we. Only need 1/1. 758 00:41:15,240 --> 00:41:16,520 Is. Enough, plenty everywhere. 759 00:41:17,880 --> 00:41:20,440 I'm feeling, you know what? I from all of us, especially 760 00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:22,560 you, Holly. I feel like, look at the 761 00:41:22,560 --> 00:41:27,880 decisions that we've all had to make hard decisions from 7 years 762 00:41:27,960 --> 00:41:30,880 up. And our kids are doing well. 763 00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:33,160 We're doing well. And I know we have our moments 764 00:41:33,160 --> 00:41:34,760 we had. So does everybody else. 765 00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:37,560 And I'm thinking we did it down a man. 766 00:41:37,560 --> 00:41:40,800 I mean, I'm feeling pretty good about like, don't. 767 00:41:40,920 --> 00:41:42,480 Doesn't that give you confidence? 768 00:41:42,480 --> 00:41:44,280 It does me. That's what helps with my 769 00:41:44,280 --> 00:41:46,720 boundaries. The the harder things I've gone 770 00:41:46,720 --> 00:41:50,480 through, the better boundaries I've built because I feel like 771 00:41:50,480 --> 00:41:53,160 the worst has already happened. So I liked the guest, the 772 00:41:53,160 --> 00:41:55,080 traveling guest that we had on here. 773 00:41:55,240 --> 00:41:56,240 Tiffany. Tiffany. 774 00:41:56,240 --> 00:41:59,600 She said it so well. And I wish I could quote it like 775 00:41:59,600 --> 00:42:01,360 right here. But when she was talking about I 776 00:42:01,360 --> 00:42:04,120 might as well go and do it. The fear, heck, it's already 777 00:42:04,120 --> 00:42:04,920 happened, right. We. 778 00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:06,840 Did everything right and he. Died. 779 00:42:06,840 --> 00:42:11,200 He still died, Yeah. And into hyper vigilance mode of 780 00:42:11,320 --> 00:42:13,960 keeping everything perfectly clean because I was just sure 781 00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:16,640 that that's how he died with bacteria. 782 00:42:16,960 --> 00:42:19,320 So I thought, well, bacteria is everywhere. 783 00:42:19,440 --> 00:42:21,880 I mean, come on, that was not what caused it. 784 00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:24,800 We'll probably never know. But crazy things happen. 785 00:42:25,080 --> 00:42:28,000 So the hyper vigilance things have started to fade away. 786 00:42:28,000 --> 00:42:31,240 The control is still somewhat they're like people that you're 787 00:42:31,240 --> 00:42:35,400 controlling about this and this. That's just so we can feel like 788 00:42:35,400 --> 00:42:39,960 we have control over something. But the reality is we they died 789 00:42:39,960 --> 00:42:42,200 anyway. There is no control, So you 790 00:42:42,240 --> 00:42:46,000 might as well just try to let it happen. 791 00:42:46,400 --> 00:42:50,320 Do the best you can. Put your time limit at 5:00 for 792 00:42:50,320 --> 00:42:52,760 work, because I've been working all hours of the night and I 793 00:42:52,760 --> 00:42:55,720 thought, whatever for? You're not even making millions 794 00:42:55,720 --> 00:42:58,040 of dollars. Why are you working that hard? 795 00:42:58,600 --> 00:43:01,600 And I thought, that's silly. I'm making myself crazy over 796 00:43:01,600 --> 00:43:03,200 someone. If I died tomorrow, they'd be 797 00:43:03,200 --> 00:43:04,600 like up next. Who wants the next job? 798 00:43:04,680 --> 00:43:06,880 And boundaries come into play there too, because a lot of 799 00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:10,000 people try to set boundaries, try to control other people, 800 00:43:10,160 --> 00:43:13,480 when really the boundaries are about what you are going to do. 801 00:43:13,920 --> 00:43:16,960 And the only thing you have control over is your own pile of 802 00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:18,720 shit. Your own yard. 803 00:43:19,080 --> 00:43:22,560 I have a teenage daughter now who, you know, she's in that 804 00:43:22,560 --> 00:43:26,360 phase of life where it's well, my friends this and my friends 805 00:43:26,360 --> 00:43:30,400 that and this parent and that parent and this teacher and and 806 00:43:30,400 --> 00:43:34,160 I'm always just kind of pulling her back and saying, you know, 807 00:43:34,160 --> 00:43:36,520 we don't care about that. We don't. 808 00:43:36,560 --> 00:43:40,640 I know you care about that, but I don't care about what the 809 00:43:40,640 --> 00:43:43,800 friends are doing for spring break or going to this party or 810 00:43:43,800 --> 00:43:47,240 what boys they're kissing and like, let's just let's. 811 00:43:47,840 --> 00:43:49,080 I don't want to know that I would. 812 00:43:49,480 --> 00:43:51,320 I would be curious about the boys bring. 813 00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:52,840 It back. Let's talk about that. 814 00:43:53,320 --> 00:43:56,600 And on that note, we want to thank you for listening and 815 00:43:56,800 --> 00:43:58,720 please go follow us on social media. 816 00:43:59,000 --> 00:44:02,240 If you are listening to the podcast but you have not yet 817 00:44:02,240 --> 00:44:08,080 subscribed as a follower, please go do that right now over 40. 818 00:44:08,080 --> 00:44:11,520 I think it was. 49% of our listeners are listening every 819 00:44:11,520 --> 00:44:14,200 week, but they have not followed the podcast and we need you to 820 00:44:14,200 --> 00:44:17,040 be a follower of the podcast. It doesn't cost anything. 821 00:44:17,040 --> 00:44:19,520 No, it's totally free. Subscribing is free. 822 00:44:19,560 --> 00:44:22,680 And you get so much invaluable information.