1 00:00:00,880 --> 00:00:04,840 It's the most wonderful. Time, would you say? 2 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:09,640 Did y'all? See the lab that went and 3 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:12,960 ordered some food at a fast food restaurant and she changed 4 00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:15,840 everything to her order. It was so good. 5 00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:17,720 We should have come up with one for what are you talking? 6 00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,480 It was on Instagram. There was some. 7 00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:23,360 Pretty sure any widow song we came up with no. 8 00:00:26,080 --> 00:00:33,840 It's a bummer to be dad. Tell us. 9 00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:36,680 When we're on, all right, we're we've, we've started. 10 00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:43,000 Sorry. Yes, it's been recording. 11 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:47,080 This is all going in. This is every widow thing. 12 00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:53,400 We've been out celebrating Christmas together for dinner 13 00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:58,200 and the dinner was terrible. This is drunk. 14 00:00:58,200 --> 00:01:00,720 Every widow thing or every widow thing? 15 00:01:00,720 --> 00:01:03,160 Holiday edition. Yeah. 16 00:01:03,320 --> 00:01:05,000 We haven't gotten together in a while. 17 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:10,200 This is the first time in, like, several months that we've all 18 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:12,480 gotten together. So we were sitting at dinner, 19 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:15,000 all four of us. We needed a break from each 20 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:22,280 other. We need a break from widowhood. 21 00:01:22,280 --> 00:01:24,040 Don't you feel that? I mean, I'm wondering if our 22 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:27,200 audience feels the same way that you need a break from widowhood. 23 00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:30,800 You just want to just be. Just be. 24 00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:33,000 Well, that is part of the thing, right? 25 00:01:33,000 --> 00:01:38,440 When once we started this podcast, when we got together, 26 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:42,240 it became more about dead husbands and what we've learned 27 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:44,600 and all of those things instead of just getting together and 28 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:48,760 having fun. And that did put a a new spin. 29 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:53,440 Right, work does take. Work tends to. 30 00:01:53,440 --> 00:01:54,480 Well, it became. Work. 31 00:01:54,480 --> 00:01:56,840 It became work. And then we were worrying about, 32 00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:59,160 you know. And we have an aversion to work. 33 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:04,000 Financials and and topics and all that stuff versus just going 34 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,920 out and having fun. But tonight we were having fun 35 00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:09,520 and we all agreed that some of the topics that we were 36 00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:13,120 discussing would make a very good episode. 37 00:02:13,120 --> 00:02:17,520 So you're welcome, listeners. One of the things that I 38 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:22,680 remember that we were talking about was just the holidays. 39 00:02:22,960 --> 00:02:27,880 Like fuck it, I'm not, I'm not doing Christmas cards. 40 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:30,560 And I mean we felt. Like that in 13 years? 41 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:33,480 Right. Holly and I were talking about 42 00:02:33,480 --> 00:02:36,200 this the other day, like Christmas cards and stuff like 43 00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:37,440 that. We're not doing any of that 44 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:41,160 shit, Lacey. You definitely feel free 45 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:42,560 realize. You hadn't done the cards. 46 00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:44,880 In 13 years, Oliver was the photographer. 47 00:02:44,880 --> 00:02:48,000 OK, can I tell you something really dark and weird? 48 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:49,880 Sure. Right. 49 00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:51,880 So right. I don't know if the other two 50 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:57,160 are into it, but I'm telling. Right after Oliver died and. 51 00:02:57,240 --> 00:02:59,440 Then for weird, but maybe not the dark. 52 00:02:59,640 --> 00:03:02,640 Well, it was dark if you think about it, because Oliver did all 53 00:03:02,640 --> 00:03:05,520 the photos and so he would take the picture and it was usually 54 00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:06,840 just Ryder. I mean, it's not like we had a 55 00:03:06,840 --> 00:03:08,760 dog. It's not like he had a sibling. 56 00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:12,080 And, and sometimes we did, the three of us early on, but as he 57 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:14,960 got a certain age, right before Oliver died, the last two years 58 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:19,280 we did just him. And then he had a tooth missing. 59 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:22,360 And so we took that Oliver. No, Ryder did. 60 00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,160 Yeah. No, Oliver had a tooth busy. 61 00:03:24,360 --> 00:03:28,560 No, he's just not OK, but so Ryder had a tooth missing that 62 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:30,040 he was six years old lost his tooth. 63 00:03:30,040 --> 00:03:34,040 So this is just like before Oliver died and it said look 64 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:36,880 what I'm missing. Merry Christmas. 65 00:03:37,120 --> 00:03:39,840 Well, the year after Oliver died, I thought, wouldn't that 66 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:43,680 be an interesting? Oh, look what we're missing. 67 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:49,840 All I want for Christmas and I. Know that's so weird and dark to 68 00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:53,640 think about but it was how my mind that's how where my mind 69 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:57,200 went was all these. Honestly, that would that would 70 00:03:57,200 --> 00:04:01,040 make me want to do a Christmas card, like to do something dark 71 00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:03,760 and funny like that at this stage. 72 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:07,520 Like like a picture holding Hunter's ashes. 73 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:12,160 Yeah, with Ryder, I was afraid everybody would be like super 74 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:14,440 worried about me next. Year. 75 00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:17,959 That we do a Christmas card with our ashes or something. 76 00:04:20,720 --> 00:04:22,880 I guess we could have taken the ashes out tonight for that 77 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:27,600 horrific meal that we. Had the meal was terrible, the 78 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,040 company was. Good, some ashes on that fish 79 00:04:30,160 --> 00:04:33,200 we. Won't do a shout out to that 80 00:04:33,200 --> 00:04:36,280 restaurant, no, though I hope they get better. 81 00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:39,600 Martinis were good. Well, obviously you can't 82 00:04:39,600 --> 00:04:41,080 really. Mess up a martini, Yeah. 83 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:44,360 I mean, especially just to buy some martini, people literally 84 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:47,200 just chilled by, well, you. Can mess it up, but. 85 00:04:48,400 --> 00:04:55,080 Let's talk about the holidays now because this is a hard time 86 00:04:55,080 --> 00:05:01,400 for for people that have loss. And what does it look like now? 87 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:04,440 You know, on our Every Widow Thing Insiders group on 88 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,880 Facebook, I feel like we're always encouraging people like 89 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:10,040 this is going to get better. It's going to get better. 90 00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:14,040 You're in it right now. It's super hard, but it does get 91 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:16,160 better. There's a light, you know, it's 92 00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:18,720 not the end of the tunnel, 'cause I feel like we're going 93 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:24,240 to be in the tunnel for the rest of our lives, but the tunnel. 94 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:28,320 Got a lot about it because I kept thinking how much do I tell 95 00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:33,120 the truth about about what distance does because I'm 13 96 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:34,520 years. In I think you tell. 97 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:37,400 The truth. So I so yes, I feel like you 98 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,520 don't want to not encourage people that's going to be 99 00:05:39,520 --> 00:05:41,320 better. It's like I told my dad, my mom 100 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:44,240 recently died. They had a 66 year marriage. 101 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:48,400 It was a good marriage. And of course my dad is sad. 102 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:53,800 But the one thing that I thought a lot about that is, is that I 103 00:05:53,800 --> 00:06:00,040 tried to tell him it's not that in 13 years it's better for me. 104 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,640 I've learned to manage it better. 105 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:04,640 There are still days, I still have days. 106 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:07,520 I've had a couple of this week that I like. 107 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:10,680 I come across the memories on my stupid phone, which are so 108 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:12,760 annoying. That's why I posted the one with 109 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:14,600 the well. That's why I posted the one 110 00:06:14,600 --> 00:06:16,120 about the boot. We used to do that. 111 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:18,280 I did it every year. I've done it for 12 years. 112 00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:19,520 When he went to college, I couldn't do it. 113 00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:22,360 But the point is, is that you it still hurts. 114 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:25,760 It still hurts. I still have days that I think I 115 00:06:25,760 --> 00:06:28,640 look at people's postcards that they, I mean, I'm so grateful 116 00:06:28,960 --> 00:06:32,160 people give me the Christmas cards that I don't send out. 117 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:33,360 Even though I don't send them out. 118 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,480 I'm glad they do, but it still hurts. 119 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:39,160 Their families are intact, and mine is messy. 120 00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:44,120 It's still just me and my son. And then I start trying to focus 121 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:46,320 on, this is what my new thing has been. 122 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:49,240 Maybe Whitney is rubbing off on me. 123 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:52,280 God forbid I'm going to start wearing, you know, fishnets. 124 00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,760 You're. Well, I'm starting to look. 125 00:06:55,760 --> 00:06:58,240 I'm starting to look at no, I love that you do that. 126 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:02,480 And I think in that way, I'm trying to look for the beauty 127 00:07:02,480 --> 00:07:05,240 and what I've learned from all of this, which is I'm grateful I 128 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:06,480 had it. Yeah. 129 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:10,480 It didn't last very long. It was not quite 11 years, but 130 00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:13,720 some people never do. Some people never have that deep 131 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:16,480 connection. But I am still seeking it. 132 00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:20,000 It's still, it still feels like I would like to have that. 133 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,880 But I think it's, I think it's going to be a little different. 134 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:25,960 You don't have to have kids with them, no. 135 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:29,640 I think it'd almost be easier because it's just about our 136 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:31,760 connection. It's not about like, do we 137 00:07:31,760 --> 00:07:34,880 parent the same? My son's almost 20. 138 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:40,040 He doesn't need a dad anymore. He's, he's perfectly, you know, 139 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:41,760 I've had so many conversations with them. 140 00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:44,400 I sent him to the EMDR specialist that we had on here 141 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:49,120 recently and she said I got nothing. 142 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:53,280 He was six years old. He does not remember that person 143 00:07:53,280 --> 00:07:56,640 other than the things they did. He does not have an emotional 144 00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:58,640 connection with that person, right? 145 00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:00,800 Which makes me sad. Yeah, that's hard. 146 00:08:01,080 --> 00:08:05,120 On one level it makes me sad, like I'm sure because Iceland 147 00:08:05,120 --> 00:08:09,160 and midnight Iceland Charis was only four they, he said. 148 00:08:09,160 --> 00:08:11,240 I don't have emotional connection like he was almost 149 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:13,200 angry at me because I kept saying don't you? 150 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,720 I'm sure it's in there somewhere. 151 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:17,160 I was digging and hoping it was going to come up with something 152 00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:20,880 he said. I don't I remember him doing 153 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:22,680 things with me. I remember the watch. 154 00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:26,640 I remember the this this and I remember the video games he 155 00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:29,200 played with me. But that's like looking at 156 00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,400 pictures and you remember things you did with people, but you 157 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:36,640 don't feel anything connection like I still feel like it can. 158 00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:40,159 He said something the other day and it just all the tears just 159 00:08:40,159 --> 00:08:44,240 started flowing and he was like, wow, that was fast and it but it 160 00:08:44,240 --> 00:08:48,560 is because I still miss, I'm still chasing that feeling that 161 00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:53,520 I used to have that safety, that connection that I see you, I I 162 00:08:53,520 --> 00:08:57,840 feel you, I see you, but I know you and still love you. 163 00:08:58,280 --> 00:09:00,920 It's not OK with me. I think if you've never had it, 164 00:09:00,920 --> 00:09:02,040 you don't know what you're missing. 165 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:04,920 Yeah. And you know, maybe that's, this 166 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:08,200 is going to sound unkind, but maybe that's what some people 167 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:11,720 that have had marriages that didn't work out, they thought 168 00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:14,280 that they had the deep connection and then they came to 169 00:09:14,280 --> 00:09:17,440 realize they didn't really have the connection that they thought 170 00:09:17,440 --> 00:09:19,320 they had. And that's why it ultimately 171 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:22,240 didn't work out or everyone went their separate ways. 172 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:26,680 But I mean, I agree with Laci. I think just to have it, you 173 00:09:26,680 --> 00:09:30,320 know, for any amount of time is a special thing. 174 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:34,320 And it's something that you've held onto beautifully in terms 175 00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:37,440 of honoring that. And it doesn't matter how much 176 00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:39,640 time has gone by. And yes, of course, like once 177 00:09:39,640 --> 00:09:44,200 you've had anything, you know, we've all joked about flying 178 00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:47,200 first class or, you know, whatever it is like now, I don't 179 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:51,040 want to go back to coach. It's, it's hard to go back 180 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:54,960 something that doesn't feel as special as what you've had in 181 00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:55,400 the past. Yeah. 182 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:59,400 And I, I think there are some people that don't need, I have 183 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,880 learned this, which I thought was really interesting through 184 00:10:01,880 --> 00:10:05,200 the relationships with friends, guys, girls or whatever. 185 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:07,960 There are some people that don't need that deep connection. 186 00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:10,360 They just don't. That's not a thing that they 187 00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,040 crave. I. 188 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:14,520 Just need the bank account. Well, well. 189 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:17,600 I wish I did. I wish that was enough. 190 00:10:17,600 --> 00:10:19,280 Because it would. It would be. 191 00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:21,560 I wish I could just let go of it all. 192 00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:23,720 Yeah. Or even take out the money 193 00:10:23,720 --> 00:10:25,400 aspect. They just need a warm body. 194 00:10:25,400 --> 00:10:26,960 Someone to go do something fun with. 195 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:31,040 Like someone who's fun, and not to discount having someone who's 196 00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:34,160 fun, but I really want to be seen. 197 00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:37,080 That's the thing that's been a thing for me my entire life. 198 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:40,240 And so I will wait. That's why I'm probably going to 199 00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,960 be 500 before it ever happens again. 200 00:10:43,480 --> 00:10:46,880 But that's what I was saying earlier about if we can change, 201 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:49,320 you know, look, I was just having this conversation with my 202 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:52,720 sister this morning about her daughter because her daughter 203 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:57,440 has a boyfriend that's living in another city and she's always 204 00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:59,960 sad. And, and my sister and I were 205 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,520 talking this morning and I was like, look, the bottom line is 206 00:11:03,080 --> 00:11:10,960 my niece is living in the if only the what if I miss I want 207 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:14,520 instead of what is. And that's where the suffering 208 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:16,400 is. If you're always thinking about 209 00:11:16,400 --> 00:11:20,680 what you had and what you're missing, then you don't 210 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:25,680 appreciate what is right now. And that's like not to bring up 211 00:11:25,680 --> 00:11:28,800 the later daters again, but you know, it's my favorite show 212 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:34,880 right now and it's super fun to say later daters having the the 213 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,160 coach. I've said plenty later daters. 214 00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:40,240 Later daters, I gotta watch this shit today. 215 00:11:40,240 --> 00:11:42,440 You're gonna have to watch it. But Holly was not impressed. 216 00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:45,160 Holly was not impressed. At All comes down, just for the 217 00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:46,600 record. I'm a thumbs up, Holly's a 218 00:11:46,600 --> 00:11:51,520 thumbs down. But, you know, rethinking what a 219 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:58,400 relationship is going to look like in our 40s and 50s versus 220 00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:03,760 what it was going to look like at 19 or 20s or 30s with your 221 00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:09,840 first, you know, with, with our husbands, if you can let go of 222 00:12:09,840 --> 00:12:13,880 what you had not let go, But, you know, be grateful for what 223 00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:17,920 you had and recognize that maybe, you know, that that was a 224 00:12:17,920 --> 00:12:21,080 gift and then let life bring you the next thing. 225 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,560 That's kind of what happened with Ryan. 226 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:29,240 I, I We've been dating for four years, but for three of those 227 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:31,240 years, huh. Who? 228 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:33,840 Who is? This person but for. 229 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:38,800 Three years I I kept him, you know. 230 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,760 We love Ryan Quiet. He's great, Holly. 231 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:44,480 Knows him I like. Him under a rock for four. 232 00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:50,840 Years I did and part of it was that I was wanting something 233 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:55,720 more similar to what I'd had. And part of it was that he was 234 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:57,840 going through a divorce and dealing with his own stuff. 235 00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:04,920 And so I didn't feel safe and part of it was just inexperience 236 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:09,160 or whatever. But but once I decided to lean 237 00:13:09,160 --> 00:13:13,440 in fully, and so did he, it took both of us to decide to lean in. 238 00:13:15,520 --> 00:13:19,760 It's changed everything because I don't try to hold, even though 239 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:23,320 the whole time on this podcast I'm like, Oh yeah, you know, 240 00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:26,280 don't hold, don't put your husband on a pedestal. 241 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:28,280 There were issues, blah, blah, blah, blah. 242 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:32,080 On some level I did. I put him on a pedestal. 243 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:35,560 I put a relationship on a pedestal and I wanted the exact 244 00:13:35,560 --> 00:13:38,600 same thing. But you can't get that again. 245 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:42,320 I'll never have the history with anyone else that I had with my 246 00:13:42,320 --> 00:13:44,600 husband. I never will meet someone again 247 00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:46,520 at 19. I will never have babies with 248 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:49,920 anyone else. Like that is a different 249 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:54,600 relationship. So being able to let go of what 250 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:59,760 I had before and and be present in what is in front of me and 251 00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:06,800 not that you settle but you rearrange what is, I don't know, 252 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:09,240 important or something. Am I even making sense? 253 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:11,560 I think that it's just, it's just a different life. 254 00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:15,440 It's a different life situation. Am I making faces? 255 00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:17,920 Yes, you're totally making faces. 256 00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,640 You know what I'm saying though? Like it's not. 257 00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:22,680 It's not. The same. 258 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:26,160 I think it's more about leaning, like you said, leaning into what 259 00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:29,040 you have, like what? What is my connection with this 260 00:14:29,040 --> 00:14:31,240 person? Like for me with Brendan, like 261 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:34,400 it's not the same, but there's also like a lot of really good 262 00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:36,080 things about. It different things. 263 00:14:36,160 --> 00:14:39,960 You didn't have with friends. Yes, yes, and it's just a whole 264 00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:44,720 new thing world compare. You can't try to. 265 00:14:45,200 --> 00:14:49,080 You go back and re. And the comparison is the danger 266 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:50,480 in it. You can recreate. 267 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:54,760 That's the perfect way to phrase it, though, Kira, you cannot 268 00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:59,800 recreate what you had. But just to wrap that up, I 269 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:06,600 guess the message is if you're sitting in I want this. 270 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:09,800 And if only the and like again this morning when I was talking 271 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:14,520 to my sister, talking about her daughter, it's like she's 272 00:15:14,520 --> 00:15:19,680 sitting in this idea of things would be so much better if I was 273 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:21,360 in the same town as my boyfriend. 274 00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:25,040 Everything would be better. And I think as a widow, I will 275 00:15:25,040 --> 00:15:28,760 tell myself things would be so much better if Hunter were 276 00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:30,120 alive. This would have never happened 277 00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:32,880 if Hunter were alive. I don't know that like that's a 278 00:15:32,880 --> 00:15:35,120 lie that I'm telling myself. Like life would be so much 279 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:38,240 better if Hunter were alive. I don't know that, you know, not 280 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:41,280 to take away from the amazing things that we had, but I have 281 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:42,880 no idea what life would have been like. 282 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:47,680 And to put that out there then makes it hard for other 283 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:53,800 relationships or or or another life to to develop because I'm 284 00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:57,040 trying to. I'm living in the past again. 285 00:15:57,040 --> 00:16:00,840 Later daters the dating coach talked about ghost stories 286 00:16:02,080 --> 00:16:06,760 talked about ghost stories and like no and but it's super funny 287 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:11,000 saying if later daters you. Can you can't later daters, 288 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:11,880 right? Later daters. 289 00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:16,760 Hashtag later daters. No one can relate to you if 290 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:21,000 you're living in a past life. It's hard to live up to a dead 291 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:23,160 guy, you know? After the dust settlement, it's 292 00:16:23,160 --> 00:16:26,080 now been many years. I can now see where there are 293 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:29,360 some people that have qualities that I would have enjoyed more. 294 00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:32,480 Maybe like you said with Brendan earlier, you said there's some 295 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:35,760 things that Brendan brings and I know I did not know Frank. 296 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,840 Have that are very different from what Frank and I had it 297 00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:40,080 doesn't mean it's better or worse. 298 00:16:40,080 --> 00:16:44,160 It's just different and I try to lean into those things and 299 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:46,240 that's what makes our relationship special. 300 00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:48,800 But just talk about the past for a minute. 301 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:52,880 I think that one thing I kind of learned, it was almost like 302 00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:58,480 something I had to teach myself as as I came through this, the 303 00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:02,760 before and after. So before this traumatic car 304 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:08,119 accident and then the after, it's like when you meet new 305 00:17:08,119 --> 00:17:11,119 people and this happens all the time. 306 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:14,960 You that's part of who you are, that's part of your experience. 307 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:18,440 So you want to find that balance between, hey, you know, this 308 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:22,440 thing happened to me. This is, you know, this new man 309 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:26,359 I'm with is not the father of my children because this, you know, 310 00:17:26,359 --> 00:17:28,520 he passed away and this is my history. 311 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:32,720 So it's like I'm always trying to find that balance of sharing 312 00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:36,960 your past, sharing your experience that brought you to 313 00:17:36,960 --> 00:17:43,000 where your circumstances now without boring people, right? 314 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:45,520 Like you were saying, like nobody wants to get like 315 00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:52,160 entrenched in the tragedy of it all and the the what you know, 316 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:54,400 what can't be changed and what came before. 317 00:17:54,640 --> 00:17:58,640 But it's also I find it so tricky to explain my situation 318 00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:04,920 still to people when they first meet me or my kids or my fiance 319 00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:08,000 or his daughter, What is our situation? 320 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:11,600 And I'm getting better at learning how to provide enough 321 00:18:11,600 --> 00:18:14,960 information to say like, this is the groundwork of like where, 322 00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:17,920 how we all ended up here. But at the end of the day, like, 323 00:18:17,920 --> 00:18:19,960 that's just life. Life is constantly changing. 324 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:24,160 Life is constantly evolving. You heard like, I mean, that's 325 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,360 hard because you want to tell your story and then people are 326 00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:29,560 like, oh, but you just want to tell it. 327 00:18:29,720 --> 00:18:33,040 You don't want a reaction. That's why I have the widows 328 00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,520 Tourette's. It's like I want you to know. 329 00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:40,680 Like I met the new friends. Oh, you have some new friends? 330 00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:45,760 I was introducing Zach to that you would go to college with him 331 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:50,200 that are from Austin and and you know, I'm talking to the moms. 332 00:18:50,200 --> 00:18:53,520 I'm like, yeah, well, you know, his dad died seven years ago, 333 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:55,080 blah, blah, blah. And I'm just like, it's just 334 00:18:55,080 --> 00:18:56,760 like, for me, it's just conversation. 335 00:18:56,760 --> 00:18:59,000 And they're like, oh, I'm so sorry. 336 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:02,120 And you know, and I'm like, it's OK. 337 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,800 I just want you to know. Last night I was with some 338 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:08,560 people and we were doing we were having a fondue party and we 339 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:10,360 were playing a game called Fondue Fond. 340 00:19:10,360 --> 00:19:10,880 Don't. It's. 341 00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:14,400 Just the 70s. Yes, it's a 70s swingers party 342 00:19:14,400 --> 00:19:15,760 back. To the 70s last. 343 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:20,480 Night swingers party fondue later daters. 344 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:24,400 And anyway, and so we were playing fondue, fond don't. 345 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:30,680 And I said fondue, fond don't. Would you skydive? 346 00:19:30,840 --> 00:19:33,640 And then everyone was like, fondue, fond don't, fondue fond 347 00:19:33,640 --> 00:19:35,280 don't. And I said fond don't 'cause my 348 00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:39,200 husband died, I was fondue. But then I was fond don't after 349 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:42,720 my husband died and this girl goes, did he die skydiving? 350 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:47,200 And I was like, Oh no, I'm sorry. 351 00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:49,720 I just like to let people know that he's dead. 352 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:56,200 Well, and part of it is that is that it, it has a way of 353 00:19:56,200 --> 00:20:00,600 attaching to weird things too. Yeah, if you any opportunity. 354 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:04,720 I can get to tell people and by the way, it runs in my family, 355 00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:08,400 but I also will tell you it runs in my family because I got a 356 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:11,000 text from my mom a couple days ago and she was like, why did I 357 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:13,920 just tell a stranger at the park that your husband died? 358 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,040 Because you're trying. Here's the thing. 359 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:18,840 I think it's a very healthy thing. 360 00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:22,040 It's not easy. I do it all the time and I find 361 00:20:22,040 --> 00:20:24,760 it draining. But you're trying to marry the 362 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:28,320 past and the yeah, you're trying to recreate who you are now. 363 00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:32,880 Well, and I also, and I also keep going and I want people to 364 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,080 know, hey, I've been through something. 365 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:40,480 I may look all cheerful and Christmassy and my fishnet, but 366 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:43,360 like, I'm heavy. I've got some darkness in me 367 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:47,920 because. Heidi Whitney's Heavy but do 368 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:48,640 You? Think I'm. 369 00:20:48,640 --> 00:20:52,440 Wearing some right now. Right now to talk about at 370 00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:53,880 dinner. OK, do it. 371 00:20:54,040 --> 00:20:57,400 Oh yeah, your. Story not juicy or anything. 372 00:20:57,560 --> 00:21:03,760 A client came into the store, the boutique that I work in the 373 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:06,960 other day. I came in because she wanted a 374 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:11,680 piece of jewelry for her sister who's husband died in the Iron 375 00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:16,240 Man competition and she was buying a very special piece of 376 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:20,160 jewelry with their initials. Very sweet. 377 00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:25,000 And it like made me kind of emotional but kind of got 378 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:29,440 awkward for me because I'm at work and I wasn't going to say, 379 00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:31,320 oh, my husband died too. I can relate. 380 00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:34,240 But it was like. That's exactly what I would have 381 00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:37,360 done. I know, but I'm like at work and 382 00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:39,600 this is, this is what why I'm talking bringing that. 383 00:21:39,600 --> 00:21:42,720 Yeah. I, I was like, I want to say 384 00:21:42,720 --> 00:21:44,960 something. And then she's like, yeah, you 385 00:21:44,960 --> 00:21:49,680 know, the funeral or or memorial or whatever's next week. 386 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:53,200 And I went in the back. I had to like go, you know, in 387 00:21:53,200 --> 00:21:55,600 the backroom. I mean, the other girls were 388 00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:56,480 helping her. And. 389 00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:58,240 But did you have to go in the back because you needed to 390 00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:01,560 compose yourself like I? Was like, I just kind of walked. 391 00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:05,720 I just went in the back kind of. And I was like, do I say 392 00:22:05,720 --> 00:22:08,000 something? Do not say something. 393 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:12,480 Do I say, you know? Oh, this is my favorite thing my 394 00:22:12,480 --> 00:22:15,360 friends did for me at my husband's memorial. 395 00:22:15,360 --> 00:22:18,360 Like, it was just, like, my head was like spinning. 396 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:21,080 Well, it's now it's awkward if I go out there and I say 397 00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:22,400 something. Yeah, my husband died. 398 00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:25,640 I'm sorry. Like, it was just like an 399 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:28,240 awkward situation. I never said anything. 400 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,920 She left not knowing. What's? 401 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:34,320 Your name, which I guess you're in a professional environment 402 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:39,080 who know your story, didn't say, Oh yeah, you know our associate 403 00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:42,440 also. Well, I get that because that's 404 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:45,040 Holly's story to tell, so they don't want to jump in. 405 00:22:45,040 --> 00:22:46,320 It's. Also too, you don't want to 406 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:48,440 always make it about yourself. Either you don't. 407 00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:52,280 Know the The bottom line is is that at one point do you? 408 00:22:52,720 --> 00:22:54,080 There's lots of. People. 409 00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:56,680 Well, I'm learning. It's really I had an interesting 410 00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:59,360 conversation with my son about a particular topic. 411 00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:05,080 Just just yesterday. I think women in particular, 412 00:23:05,160 --> 00:23:09,560 most women in particular like to talk to someone they like for 413 00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:11,200 you. It's why I didn't like therapy 414 00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:14,320 so much at first because like I didn't like her knowing all 415 00:23:14,320 --> 00:23:16,160 mine. I don't know anything about her. 416 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:18,520 I needed to know something about her stuff. 417 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:21,240 So because it's too vulnerable to go in there like it's. 418 00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:24,120 Cheers. So it was real fresh. 419 00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:26,200 It did. I mean, it had just happened. 420 00:23:26,320 --> 00:23:28,200 I didn't want to make it about me. 421 00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:32,080 Like why did you assume that it's making it about you instead 422 00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:34,360 of saying I know what you're going through? 423 00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:37,480 It's a little bit awkward because the other girls I work 424 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:40,320 with, we're all, we're all standing around and she's 425 00:23:40,320 --> 00:23:44,360 talking about, you know, I want to make this necklace like. 426 00:23:44,920 --> 00:23:48,440 I can see why you would feel that way, Holly, because some 427 00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:51,360 people want a connection. Like you see me and I've been 428 00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:54,600 there, and some people really don't want you to make it about 429 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:56,520 them. I mean, like I said, they had 430 00:23:56,520 --> 00:23:57,640 that in the conversation the other day. 431 00:23:57,640 --> 00:23:59,880 I don't. Think she was in the place yet 432 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:04,440 for me to be like, oh, my husband died too. 433 00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:08,880 And I went to the back and I was thinking, oh, you know, my 434 00:24:08,880 --> 00:24:12,600 favorite thing that my friends did for Toby's memorial was 435 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:15,360 this. And I I was going to come out 436 00:24:15,360 --> 00:24:17,880 and, like, offer that suggestion. 437 00:24:17,880 --> 00:24:21,040 But the moment the timing was, yeah. 438 00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:24,600 It was already. It was awkward and I just let it 439 00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:26,200 go. I think I probably would have 440 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:30,000 done what you did. A lot of times it's like you 441 00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:32,800 hear somebody say something like, Oh well, I blah, blah, 442 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:36,120 blah. I'm like, I didn't really want 443 00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:40,760 to hear your story. I have a feeling a lot of people 444 00:24:40,760 --> 00:24:47,480 think that when I'm talking no. I and see I like that you do 445 00:24:47,480 --> 00:24:50,120 because I need that. I need someone to. 446 00:24:50,120 --> 00:24:52,680 Share. Theirs because I feel I feel 447 00:24:52,680 --> 00:24:54,760 exposed. If I'm the only one in the room 448 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:58,600 that shares, I don't like it. And I would like to think that I 449 00:24:58,600 --> 00:24:59,400 can. Read the room. 450 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:05,000 I have a group of friends that I'm like an open book and I go 451 00:25:05,000 --> 00:25:08,800 home and I'm like, wow, I just shared my whole life with them 452 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:10,560 and they didn't really share anything back. 453 00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:14,760 Is it cuz we were libras? I don't even know that I get the 454 00:25:14,760 --> 00:25:17,680 whole horoscope thing, but sometimes it is a thing. 455 00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:19,520 Do you think you have to read situation? 456 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:21,040 I think Holly did the right thing, I think. 457 00:25:21,040 --> 00:25:24,400 She did too that. Woman's grief was so. 458 00:25:25,320 --> 00:25:27,560 Acute. Yeah, and she was probably still 459 00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:29,280 in shock and she just didn't even know what. 460 00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:32,200 She was in shock, I could tell. She was coming in to try to get 461 00:25:32,200 --> 00:25:34,760 something to special for her sister. 462 00:25:34,760 --> 00:25:37,120 But you don't want to hijack the grief. 463 00:25:37,120 --> 00:25:39,560 Right. Oh, can we talk about that for a 464 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:40,360 second? OK. 465 00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:43,400 And I know it's late and everybody needs to everybody 466 00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:46,240 needs to go home. But one of the things that came 467 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:50,960 up recently on everybody think insiders what someone had 468 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:54,640 posted. Have you, have you had any, has 469 00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:59,880 anyone else had any experience with people stealing your grief 470 00:25:59,920 --> 00:26:05,880 or trying to one up your grief? And I thought that was so 471 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:07,920 interesting. And in a way, have you guys, 472 00:26:07,920 --> 00:26:09,680 that's what you're kind of feeling. 473 00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:12,200 That's why you didn't say anything today is because you 474 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:16,320 didn't want to one up her grief or make her feel like you were 475 00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:19,720 person. Many scenarios where you know, 476 00:26:19,720 --> 00:26:23,680 there's a grieving widow and then maybe the mother is like, 477 00:26:23,680 --> 00:26:26,880 well, I lost my son. You know, I lost a child. 478 00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:30,040 You lost a partner. You can go find another partner. 479 00:26:30,040 --> 00:26:32,120 You can date again and you can't carry on. 480 00:26:32,440 --> 00:26:35,920 I lost my child, yeah. And I, I, I could see that 481 00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:37,920 scenario. And I've heard that from people 482 00:26:39,160 --> 00:26:43,080 where, you know, everyone just sees to make space for their 483 00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:48,480 loss, which is individual and not better or worse or harder 484 00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:49,800 or. You know right? 485 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:52,680 No comparing. Yeah, it's just, but I could see 486 00:26:52,680 --> 00:26:58,440 how that could be, you know? Like my dad lost his wife of 66 487 00:26:58,440 --> 00:26:59,880 years. There's a there. 488 00:26:59,880 --> 00:27:03,200 If I want to compare, I'd say I got 10, you got 66. 489 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:06,000 Which sounds worse. I don't. 490 00:27:06,200 --> 00:27:10,280 Know it depends, Yeah, right. I mean, the loss after having 491 00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:13,680 somebody by your side for 66 years, that loss can be very 492 00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:16,200 hard. But then at the same time only 493 00:27:16,200 --> 00:27:18,920 having tenure like you can't compare. 494 00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:20,320 You. Literally can't. 495 00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:23,360 Doing it because what I tried to tell my dad the other night, we 496 00:27:23,360 --> 00:27:25,960 had this long discussion and I think he heard me, which I was 497 00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:28,080 so grateful for that he listened. 498 00:27:28,080 --> 00:27:34,680 And I said, I said it minimizes my pain for you to say that you 499 00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:37,440 were young enough. Someone did say that to me one 500 00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:38,560 time. You were young enough to meet 501 00:27:38,560 --> 00:27:41,520 someone new because I was only in my 40s when Oliver died. 502 00:27:41,520 --> 00:27:43,280 So you're young enough to meet someone new. 503 00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:46,640 And I said that isn't the point. Why do we feel the need to 504 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:48,720 compare? Because all it does is minimizes 505 00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:51,480 someone's pain, I think. There's two different ways and 506 00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:54,800 everything in life to approach. Like you can either identify and 507 00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:58,720 sit with someone and say I, you know, I can relate to how you're 508 00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:02,840 feeling because I've had a similar, I can empathize with 509 00:28:02,840 --> 00:28:04,800 you because I've had a similar loss. 510 00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:08,600 Or it becomes a competition, like mine's worse, yours worse, 511 00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:11,040 and that doesn't accomplish. Anything you know? 512 00:28:11,120 --> 00:28:14,960 Like that, that creates division instead of inclusion and. 513 00:28:15,160 --> 00:28:17,360 I have to go home. I know you do How? 514 00:28:17,560 --> 00:28:21,240 Much had a long day of work. Before so before we leave, can 515 00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:26,720 we just quickly like how are the holidays for you this year, 516 00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:32,440 Holly at seven years in versus the first few years like give, 517 00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:36,160 give someone a little take on it and we'll just go down the line. 518 00:28:36,440 --> 00:28:40,880 I, I feel like it's better this year, although I'm much busier. 519 00:28:42,280 --> 00:28:47,400 I think it hits me on Christmas morning, so I'll let you know, 520 00:28:47,400 --> 00:28:54,000 OK. No, I, I mean, I, I feel I feel 521 00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:57,840 better this year than I have the past six years. 522 00:28:58,840 --> 00:29:02,760 But I also think it's because I'm my boys are older. 523 00:29:04,000 --> 00:29:07,800 I got more going on, more distractions. 524 00:29:07,840 --> 00:29:12,800 Yeah. So all right, I get. 525 00:29:12,920 --> 00:29:17,840 That's all I got. I was definitely just 526 00:29:17,840 --> 00:29:21,760 devastated. First fear I could not wrap my 527 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:26,200 head around trying to pull off all the joy and magic of 528 00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:30,200 Christmas with three school age kids and trying to recreate 529 00:29:30,200 --> 00:29:32,520 everything when I felt like just miserable and something. 530 00:29:32,520 --> 00:29:36,160 It's really sad. Not only, like, mentally and 531 00:29:36,160 --> 00:29:39,040 emotionally, but physically you were dealing with a lot, yeah. 532 00:29:39,440 --> 00:29:41,960 I guess. I was in the beginning, yes. 533 00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:43,920 I had a couple of years of surgeries and things. 534 00:29:44,840 --> 00:29:49,640 Yeah, I know. But I was emotionally just, I, I 535 00:29:49,640 --> 00:29:53,960 dreaded, I dreaded Christmas, I dreaded doing all the things 536 00:29:53,960 --> 00:29:55,760 that we used to do that we used to look forward to. 537 00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:59,240 We did it as a family. So it was really just something 538 00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:04,280 I was getting through to create, you know, normalcy and try to 539 00:30:04,280 --> 00:30:06,640 create joy for the kids. But I'm sure at the end of the 540 00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:08,880 day, I wasn't pulling it off very well. 541 00:30:08,880 --> 00:30:11,400 And they probably saw through some of that. 542 00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:17,600 But I did the best I could. And now after 10 years, things 543 00:30:17,600 --> 00:30:21,560 are so different. I've got grown adult children, 544 00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:26,440 some in college, some home. I've got a stepdaughter who's 545 00:30:26,440 --> 00:30:28,640 been incorporated into our lives. 546 00:30:29,760 --> 00:30:34,720 I've got a new partner. We actually have my parents and 547 00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:38,840 Brendan's parents joining us here in Austin from the DC area 548 00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:41,920 next week. And I think it's going to be 549 00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:45,280 super fun. Actually, I'm kind of enjoying 550 00:30:45,840 --> 00:30:52,520 more the role of taking over the holiday from my mom, who always 551 00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:54,480 kind of put on. We were actually supposed to go 552 00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:57,920 there, but circumstances changed, you know, letting her 553 00:30:57,920 --> 00:31:01,480 kind of be the the ringleader of the festivities. 554 00:31:02,520 --> 00:31:04,880 I'm kind of enjoying being sort of in charge, especially because 555 00:31:04,880 --> 00:31:05,520 it's beyond the. Night. 556 00:31:05,520 --> 00:31:10,520 So what would you tell yourself? Like if if you could talk to 557 00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:14,440 yourself at year three or something, like what would you 558 00:31:14,440 --> 00:31:17,280 say? I think I would just say like 559 00:31:17,680 --> 00:31:23,800 it's never going to be the same. You know, I those years with 560 00:31:23,800 --> 00:31:29,360 Frank and our kids as a family unit, they'll that'll never 561 00:31:29,360 --> 00:31:32,200 happen again, that that'll never be what that was. 562 00:31:32,200 --> 00:31:38,120 That special, special time with my husband and the father of my 563 00:31:38,120 --> 00:31:42,520 children is lost forever and we have amazing memories. 564 00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:46,520 But you've got to just kind of roll with the punches, honestly. 565 00:31:46,520 --> 00:31:48,880 I mean, some people's punches are worse than others. 566 00:31:49,040 --> 00:31:51,640 Right. But you have to adapt and you 567 00:31:51,640 --> 00:31:56,440 have to try to bring joy into your home, no matter what it 568 00:31:56,440 --> 00:31:59,560 looks like and what the new scenario is. 569 00:32:00,120 --> 00:32:03,120 I'm just trying to like, still make it fun, still make it 570 00:32:03,120 --> 00:32:05,920 festive. And you do. 571 00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:08,720 I definitely have sad moments, though. 572 00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:11,880 I still do, you know, 10 years. We went to get the tree the 573 00:32:11,880 --> 00:32:14,120 other day and I don't know, I kind of came home. 574 00:32:14,120 --> 00:32:18,720 I was kind of down just getting the tree, the stupid going out 575 00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:23,920 to the lot and remembering making Frank stand there and 576 00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:26,520 pull out every freaking tree so I could see. 577 00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:29,720 Turning it around and spinning it around and the kids kind of 578 00:32:30,120 --> 00:32:34,280 being impatient. And then I did it just with 579 00:32:34,280 --> 00:32:38,000 Brendan because we're busy. They were either at college or 580 00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:40,600 studying for exams. He and I went. 581 00:32:41,360 --> 00:32:45,280 He's pulling out the tree. He's getting irritated just 582 00:32:45,280 --> 00:32:45,960 like. Frank did. 583 00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:47,920 It was kind. Of funny, I was like, I guess 584 00:32:47,920 --> 00:32:49,440 I'm the same. I'm still really. 585 00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:52,400 Picky about the tree? We always get the real tree 586 00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:53,080 right? That's a. 587 00:32:53,080 --> 00:32:54,760 Whole yeah, that's. We don't do the. 588 00:32:55,160 --> 00:32:58,680 I don't neither fake tree. But which I'm not against, it's 589 00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:01,800 just we're out on the lot. We were late this year. 590 00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:04,240 It was real Charlie Brown out there. 591 00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:07,520 I made him drive around. I was like, I want to go to 592 00:33:07,520 --> 00:33:11,320 every place in the city and real irritated. 593 00:33:11,640 --> 00:33:13,720 Thank God we found a pretty treaty and it's all good. 594 00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:15,440 Yeah. You just adapt. 595 00:33:16,320 --> 00:33:20,720 That's life. And it's a it's a lot better now 596 00:33:20,800 --> 00:33:22,800 than it was in the beginning. The beginning was really, 597 00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:24,920 really, really hard. And for any listeners that are 598 00:33:24,920 --> 00:33:29,200 going through that, that's going to be the hardest time this this 599 00:33:29,200 --> 00:33:31,520 first few years. It'll get better. 600 00:33:31,920 --> 00:33:35,800 Lacey, what about you? It's interesting because all 601 00:33:35,800 --> 00:33:37,640 you're thinking about is your family, right? 602 00:33:37,640 --> 00:33:40,760 All I could think about was that I'm trying to make sure that 603 00:33:40,920 --> 00:33:43,640 he's OK. He was in first grade. 604 00:33:43,640 --> 00:33:47,040 He was only two months into first grade, and now he's a 605 00:33:47,040 --> 00:33:49,720 sophomore in college, which is great. 606 00:33:49,720 --> 00:33:51,680 So. What would you tell yourself 607 00:33:51,760 --> 00:33:55,000 back then now? Like knowing what you know now, 608 00:33:55,000 --> 00:33:58,120 what would you have whispered to to you? 609 00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:02,760 I would tell anybody that's an audience get therapy so that the 610 00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:05,480 air mask is on you first so that you can give them what they 611 00:34:05,480 --> 00:34:07,560 need. Because if I had not had the 612 00:34:07,560 --> 00:34:09,920 therapy, I don't think I would have had the wherewithal to be 613 00:34:09,920 --> 00:34:12,480 able to. But it's, it's hard. 614 00:34:12,560 --> 00:34:16,120 I mean, I heard it's, it's the most wonderful time of the year 615 00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:17,920 the other day. And when I was in Walgreens, I 616 00:34:17,920 --> 00:34:19,960 heard that and I thought, it's really not for me. 617 00:34:19,960 --> 00:34:23,320 My mother just died. My dad is sad and my husband's 618 00:34:23,320 --> 00:34:25,199 still dead. He's not coming back. 619 00:34:25,520 --> 00:34:29,120 And then I thought, OK, I've had, I've had enough time to 620 00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:32,159 four years of my mom's illness and all of that. 621 00:34:32,159 --> 00:34:34,520 I finally, and that's a big change. 622 00:34:35,080 --> 00:34:38,760 It's, it's I'm, I'm trying to look for the good and my son and 623 00:34:38,760 --> 00:34:40,600 I are having a good time together. 624 00:34:40,760 --> 00:34:43,679 We're having fun conversations, we're cooking dinner together. 625 00:34:44,040 --> 00:34:46,960 So I'm trying to focus on those things. 626 00:34:47,080 --> 00:34:51,120 So really the message could could just be you're going to be 627 00:34:51,120 --> 00:34:55,320 OK, like you're going to survive this and your kid and you are 628 00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:58,680 going to have a good relation. We have a close relationship 629 00:34:58,680 --> 00:34:59,480 that's. Awesome. 630 00:34:59,880 --> 00:35:02,360 All right, on that note, we're going to end it. 631 00:35:02,360 --> 00:35:04,680 Come over and say goodbye, Kieran Holly. 632 00:35:05,440 --> 00:35:09,200 Happy holidays. Happy holidays, I guess they're 633 00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:10,000 not. Too long. 634 00:35:10,000 --> 00:35:11,040 I'm sorry. Bye. 635 00:35:11,480 --> 00:35:14,480 If they're not happy, it will be happy at some point. 636 00:35:14,480 --> 00:35:15,520 Yeah. Keep going. 637 00:35:15,520 --> 00:35:16,720 You're. Stronger than you think you are. 638 00:35:17,320 --> 00:35:19,000 That's right, Holly, you got anything I don't? 639 00:35:23,120 --> 00:35:26,760 I mean, I hated, I hated in the beginning when people said happy 640 00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:32,200 holidays or Holly Jolly. Just going to say so Holly Jolly 641 00:35:32,200 --> 00:35:34,200 make the best of the season. Yeah. 642 00:35:34,720 --> 00:35:36,720 You're going to be OK. We love you. 643 00:35:36,720 --> 00:35:38,200 You're not alone. Bye. 644 00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:38,960 Bye. Bye.