OK, you know what makes me happy?
Can y'all give me an example? Like rain or dogs I'm in.
Casa Bella. Champagne I was thinking about
in relationship to grief. This is every widow thing.
Everyone, we're back in the studio.
This is Kira, and I'm here with Holly, Lacey and Whitney, and
we're talking today about the good side of grief and
everything that we've learned and everything that we take with
us now that's positive on this sometimes difficult journey.
How has grief changed you for the better?
Or or who are you today because of this loss that you're proud
of? Does that make sense?
Yeah, I think. That's a good question.
Well, I'm definitely a much stronger person.
I relied on Toby a lot and I've become very independent.
You're the funny one now. Well, I don't know about that,
but you know, I didn't decide to start dating for five years.
So I felt like I I learned to be independent and learned to take
care of myself and aside in the grief for long enough.
So now I'm ready to have fun and enjoy life, I remember you
saying on a walk something about Toby was always the extrovert,
and now I'm getting to be the extrovert.
I feel like I'm more so. I mean, obviously not like him,
but he was the life of the party and the wingman and like, oh,
you've been a wingman. I mean, I learned to walk into a
party by myself, which. You know, before he died, I
would have been like, there's no way I would do that.
You get all this confidence. So I guess the upside is that
you get. All this?
Yeah, I went to a Halloween party by myself as you came to
my 4th of July party just knowing you.
Know anybody in your house, literally in there, swimming and
talking out as if you? Part of the sign of all of that
is, and whether it's confidence or not, there's AI am not going
to let this mean I missed out on my life, but the real driver,
and I know this is you 3 the real drivers.
I'm not going to let my kid miss out on anything and your
children miss out on anything because this happened.
It was already bad enough they lost their dad.
This makes me emotional, but now I'm not going to let him miss
out on anything else, the things that we would have done.
He's not. He's he's not going to miss out.
I'm going to figure it out. One of the more positive things
that came out of what happened to me and my family is just
perspective. I just have.
I definitely am better at being more empathetic or putting
myself in someone else's shoes or like reading the room or
thinking, well, you don't know what this person's been through
or is going through. And I think that's something
I've handed on to my kids. I think I've talked about this
before. They're just super empathetic.
When it comes to anything, whether it's, you know, family
differences or lifestyle differences or choices that
people make, I think it's just a really amazing thing that's come
out of. So unfortunately having
something really go horribly wrong in your life and just the
appreciation that you have not only for the good moments but
also for other hard things that people are going through like
you said. It's also I feel like I had
lunch with a dear friend the other day that's having a really
hard time and I had no idea. To see them on social media, I
thought, wow, I'm going to have to gussy up to go to lunch with
this person because they're so stylish and so everything.
Was it me? Was it me that you were going
to? Yeah, it was.
Whitney. And.
Whitney Dinner we had the other night.
Well, I don't know. That was the the girls took me
out for my birthday the other night.
And I mean, I have some fabulous looking friends.
We spend so much time just as a society, looking at grief as
this heavy albatross that we carry for the rest of our lives.
But I do feel that I am resilient and I know this now
because I have had such a loss. I'm watching the David Beckham
documentary, have y'all watched it, OK, the amount of stress and
pressure that he had on him at 23.
So the I think I'm on like the third episode or something and
and it's going through the first time he was in the World Cup and
he actually got a red card in the game and was pulled out and
they had to play without him and they lost.
So the entire country of England hated him.
He could not walk outside with somebody spitting on him or
calling him out and saying terrible things every time he
went on on to the pitch. That's soccer topic you guys
pitch. Football taught Lasso yes.
Every time he went out to the pitch, right?
That's. Actually true.
He was booed and it was heart wrenching to watch and listen to
and yet he survived it and is stronger because of it has
empathy. I really, while I was watching
it, I was like oh wow, that's just like our grief and the loss
that we have suffered. I know I can handle things that
in the past I probably would not have been able to handle or 100%
stressing about trying to handle it.
And now I'm like, you know what? This could go seriously sideways
and I'm going to be OK. Have you noticed since the death
of your husbands that you can really feel people's energy when
they're not good? Like, it's like you recognize
grief and pain and suffering so much more quickly.
Like, it's like writer says that too.
And I think probably all of our kids are pretty empathetic
because of what happened. You guys and anyone who's
followed us on Instagram may have heard that My dog, I tried
surgery and it just sadly did not go well and I had to make
the hard decision to put him down and the grief that was
opened up from that. I mean, even right now I want to
cry about it, you know, because you love something so much and
then they're just gone, you know, and I'm looking around and
it it kind of brought back all those memories of, yeah.
When Hunter was first gone and it's like, wait, he was just
here yesterday? Yeah, those are now.
I'm talking about the dog. It's like, oh, that's his ball.
I was literally just throwing that with him yesterday.
Wembley, but also Wembley's Part of Your Life with Hunter, right?
Like they were either wrenching. It's too much.
But the blessing in having the grief already there is that I
know these feelings are temporary, or the the depth of
them because I lost my husband and I can laugh and I'm not
crying every day. So this deep sense of loss from
my dog right now, I can sit in it a little more comfortably
because I know there will come a day when I can look at his
picture or a toy or something and just laugh and be grateful.
And so it allowed me to feel it more deeply and and get it out
versus I think the first time you're trying to protect
yourself. And I don't want to feel it.
And I'm going to put up this wall and you know, I'm going to
distract myself. And so I recognize today because
I got his ashes today in the mail.
I know. And it was like, Oh my gosh,
why'd I get his ashes? There's now I have two dead dog
ashes and a husband's ashes and nowhere to put them.
And what am I going to do? It's just going to be one solid
wall of ashes. I have my cat's lashes, yeah.
But you know how I know you're going to be OK?
It's because I'm joking because you're.
Laughing about Yeah, it's so hard to feel this, you know,
It's so hard. To borrow Opal, I will borrow.
Older dogs. So my you were talking about how
like Wembley and London were part of your life with Hunter,
So interestingly we got a dog. After Frank passed, my friends
went out and bought this dog, which I know Lacey thinks that
she's so ragamuffin she's. Well, she looks freeze dried.
She's very. Ragamuffin, it was very funny
because that week when Wembley was sick and you were talking,
you know, texting with us. Gramercy is our freeze dried
rescue. She's the sweetest dog, but we
got her for as a therapy dog for the kids because they were four,
9:00 and 11:00. And so she's been like a big
part of the grief journey. Yes, right.
She was sort of this tool that we offered the kids something to
love on, and they would love on her.
And it's interesting because my son.
Super close is super close with her.
And you know, my son went off to college and I thought, Oh my
gosh, what if something happens to the dog, you know, while he's
away and then which is what happened to you.
I know. And then my youngest just said
out of the blue, do you think Gramercy will die before I go to
college? I said I don't know.
It's going to be. I'm dreading it because it's
going to be a blow for my children for sure, for all of
us. I think what also nowadays you
get to help your dog with that transition, you can euthanize
them and it was so. I don't know how you did it,
Harry. Campbell was there that night.
Campbell came and then my mom came.
The ashes come and they give you a little book about grief.
And I'm like, I don't need no book about grief, but I read it
anyway. But I read it anyway.
And they did say one of the things that can happen is you
start to rethink and feel guilty and second guess your choice and
that's what was happening. But, and it's weird how grief
messes with your brain too. I'm like Wimbley has memories of
Hunter that just me and Wimbley have.
And if he's gone, then I'm the only one carrying the memory,
you know, it's just it's. Weird.
I think when that happens with anyone else or a pet, you wonder
what could I have done differently?
And look, it was hard because Hayden, my second kid, was away
at college. He was very close to the dogs.
I called him while at the vet to say, look at this, we're going
to stop trying. You know, I think it's just time
to say goodbye. And he was like, I don't
understand why we're we're giving up.
Like, I don't get it was like, I believe that you're making the
best decision. I'm just trying to wrap my head
around it. And that was another thing that
I I probably should have done a little differently when I was
giving the updates. It was positive.
He's eating today. He's due the the surgery went
well. Instead of maybe painting a, a
more realistic is. That also what happened with
Hunter. Yes, with the kids.
But they were young. I'm not necessarily sure that I
should have, but it was more of a wait a minute.
What? I thought he was coming home or
with Wembley. Wait, what?
So that was hard. It just goes to show that
whether or not it's instant or a long illness or a short illness.
The brain struggles to accept the end, right?
The brain struggles to accept concept of never again.
This is the end. Well, on a positive note, I mean
Wembley's cute little bark. I'm really going to miss with
this. Cute.
Little bark. You know that Pearl.
My 13 year old lab barks when somebody comes over.
Well, and really often, but I've been like.
Oh, it's OK, you can bark. Yeah, you're going to miss.
I've had a lot more empathy for. Pearl bark.
That's really. Yeah, Pearl was.
I've had a lot of, like, anxiety over.
She's 13 and she same thing like we got her with Toby.
It's going to be hard dog therapy that just like you,
said, Kira, that those dogs really helped us pull you out of
your sadness because it's just this unconditional love that
meets you at the door every day. And we got Opal a year after
Toby died, so she's our our therapy dog.
What makes you happy? I mean, I have a lot of things
that make me happy. Two years ago I, with my mom and
my sister, bought a house in Round Top and I'm very grateful.
For that project to explain what Round Top is for people who
wouldn't know. It is a small town between
Austin and Houston. It's an antique town known known
for the antique shows twice a year and it's a cute little town
and I had been going there for 20 years on Girls 12.
I'm grateful that I had the courage to dive in and Toby and
I had looked at houses to invest in and.
And we realized we couldn't do it financially.
But it was my place. Like I went there with my mom
and sister and friends. So it was kind of like my dream
and I'm happy I was able to do it.
You can follow it on Instagram. The poppy Round Top I liked for
for me, I've same as you guys. Like I had to take over
everything, obviously, and a lot of the time my brain would be
like, oh, I don't understand that.
That's what he does. And now I do understand it, you
know. Sort of like I'm not good at
math. I can't.
Why you? Are good, smart women.
You you just didn't want to. You just let.
Yeah, you just allowed them to stop their job.
But one of the things that I have found helpful as the years
go by is recognizing that my way is an OK way too.
I was so diligent, especially after Hunter died, the first
couple of years of trying to do it exactly like he did it and
keep everything the same. And I honestly would wait until
Sunday and do like a Sunday budget meeting with just myself
sitting down and adding the receipts and doing the
spreadsheets and keeping his spreadsheets and still using
those. Yeah, and it and it was
stressful. But that was the way that, you
know, I was like, this is the way we do it.
To talk about empowering. Now I feel like, Oh my, I know a
way too. And my way is just as good.
And it's OK if I don't put the receipts in every Sunday.
You know, I can handle the budget the way that is most
comfortable for me and that that has been a gift.
It's empowering. And so when I was recently on
this girls trip so we're all shopping and some of the.
Women are checking in with their husbands like, can I buy this?
Yeah, they're hiding what they bought from their.
Can I buy this handbag? Can I buy this piece of jewelry?
And I mean, I'm just over there like, I mean, you're not asking
like. Can you Buy this handout and.
Then you know. What Kira was like?
Yes. Get them both.
OK. I think we're going to wrap it
up for today's episode, but thank you so much for listening.
The message at the end of the day is that there are some
positives that can come out of this deep, dark grief, and we're
encouraging you to look for them.
All right, Have a great day, everyone.
We'll see you soon. This is every widow thing.