This is every Widow thing. Before we get started, can I say
something? No, I just want to give a
shout-out to my dear friend. Joan and my friend, Amy Joan.
Did our logo and amazing art of thing though.
Beautiful photos. Make us look good.
Yes, you do. It's great to have friends with
talents which I guess everyone has a talent but sometimes you
don't really want them to use it on you photos and logos.
Those are where you going with that.
I really don't know. Listen, I am jet lagged because
I just took a whirlwind trip with the kids, starting to be
summertime. So we thought it might be fun to
share some travel stories with you, but also let you know what
it looks like. Now that you're just one parent,
it can be very difficult when you're outnumbered and
sometimes, if you haven't only, you're having to be the kid.
That's You haven't to be their siblings.
That's right. Have to entertain exhaust.
Now it's easy. They just game and they ignore
you so. Well, mine weren't gaming but
they were hurting my feelings, a lot on this trip.
And I think that's hard when you don't have, if I don't have my
partner with me to look at the kids and go, don't speak to your
mother. That way you're having to be
your own Advocate and it's hard, especially I think as moms I
have a lot of mom. Guilt.
I do too. I let things.
Things go, that should not be. Let go, we all.
I mean, we all have our two, I think part of it is exhaustion
three hours into my kids still gaming because I'm too tired to
do anything else. Is that like so, you know, when
you're always having to be on, so we just took a trip to
Europe. We did London, where my husband
and I used to live and that was fun but emotional, because I
haven't been back to that place since we left.
Did you go back to some of the old haunts?
Yeah, we I took the kit because the plan was always to Go back
over there with them and show them where we used to live and
the neighborhood and Pub. Yeah, exactly.
I did that and I remember you. Yeah, English accent came back.
My kids are like, why are you talking like that?
I go. I don't know, but one of the
things that I was going to share with you guys is everybody's on
edge. I don't know about you guys but
I get tripping xiety. So we're at the Louvre and I'm
on edge. The kids are getting worked up
because the tickets aren't going through the way that they
should. And there's a line getting
backed up now because we're not going through the Styles and I'm
like, just go go and one of my kids blows up and uses some
Choice words. I learned those when I don't
fucking know, I can be difficult to travel with because I have
expectations of how perfect I want the trip to be.
And then when things go awry, I kind of I'm not my best self
trip. I know is It does need to be
lowered when you're traveling by yourself with children.
They need to be dressed way. Just it's hard.
I took me a few years finally leaned into that, but in the
beginning, I wanted everything to look like.
It would if Oliver were alive. Because it may me, feel better
on. Yeah.
For me, I'm like, I want to create these amazing memories.
And also a lot of us have seniors that are leaving and so
you're thinking, this is our last opportunity to have this
amazing family moment. Aunt gets all it was for me, it
was all about making up for the loss, you know?
And I'm still doing that but it's like how can I make up for
it? How can I make it better?
How can we let's take a great trip.
Let's just make sure they're still having the life that they
would have had kind of like Lacey was saying and that has
been a real struggle and continues to be a struggle
because you really do have to reframe your expectations.
I think what's hard about that is I did that or am doing that.
And now I feel like I'm backtracking because I Whatever
you want, wherever you want to go, whatever you want to do.
Now, you want to set some boundaries are ice creams later.
Yeah. I feel like I'm backtracking and
like trying to reel it in a little bit because I think we
have now. We have kids that are turning
into young adults and suddenly you're like oh we might have
missed a value or two in there when we were sort of over
indulging as an overcompensating tactic.
Yeah, exactly. And now you're like, why don't
want to raise a brat? I think we've all had What you
were saying? I've certainly travel with my
kids, we're literally in the most Exquisite location with.
They can go up and get whatever they want to eat.
And somebody seems ungrateful or has a meltdown or takes it out
on a sibling because you out in the Louvre.
And it's a mom, you're just like how is this possible that you're
having a hard time in this amazing environment but it
really does just come down to like whenever those feelings
creep in We as the single mom are the only person that they
can take it out on. Well, I think it's okay to hold
your ground like you did Whitney.
I mean you you have to stand up to them, they can't just run
over you. Oh yeah but I thought maybe the
rest of the day he'd any missed seeing the Mona Lisa because he
got mad and walked out and then I was on him.
I said those things to my school.
Yeah the way I bet a lot of people who have two-parent
households and say that happens to them to that's true and that
is something that I feel like my brain will do.
And make it about being a widow and really, it's just a parent.
It's just parenting or teenagers or it's hard.
But you know Rider told me something on our last vacation
we was taught like how we're all talking about.
I was trying to make it perfect as it's the last one before he
goes to college and there was just so much pressure on me so
we go and he said you know what? I wish I wish you could.
You just have fun like stop trying to make it perfect.
He could feel it. And I was like, oh, so I did I
stayed out all night and danced at this dance party, in the
middle of Street and Telluride be with you.
Yeah, he left it like 11:00, and I stayed out and I came home.
It must have been like to, I don't know.
I stayed out with some friends and he was like, wow.
Look at you. And that's when it got better.
Yeah. Because I think all those years,
I think, I think he really wished.
I wasn't stressed all that time. Trying to make everything
perfect. He was like, I wish you would
just chilled it. Kind of reminds me of, I saw a
cat meme the other day and it was like, you know, I bought
Bought these expensive cat toys, but a paper towel fell on the
floor and that's what he's interested in, right?
The kids, we think they have to have these amazing, Monumental
memories and really they're just happy with the paper towel on
the floor. You know about that.
Well I'm going to try it out. No.
But you know what I'm saying? I get it expectations.
Just like you said, I finally had to give myself a talking to
because it was ruining the trip for me.
I was getting my feelings hurt. The kids want to go, this is a
moment of Freedom. What would I like to do?
I wish there had been a dance party at in the middle of the
street, but I had a glass of wine at the bar and relaxed and
hung out and the two, that's a good point that comes up.
You know, I know when I lost my husband, and travel like really
looked different. I did seek out traveling with
other families and friends because you do want to be able
to go have a drink at the bar or, you know, go out to
Something leave the kids in the hotel room, you know, they're
not going anywhere. They're going to be safe and
have a good time. You want to have like other
adults around. I mean it's not fun to just
always be parenting on a trip. It's your vacation too and I had
to kind of like with Lacey. Just did and Telluride I had
some moments where I was kind of like hey it's my vacation too.
Right. I need to have a break and go
have some fun so that I can show up tomorrow and carry on with
the trip. But it is kind of like I always
kind of had to seek out. Well, who wants to go to the
mountains with me? Or who wants to go to the beach
with me? And is there another family that
my kids? My kids like their kids and
right travel just started look more like that.
Whereas before it was more just like our immediate family.
I definitely didn't, you know, want to be alone on a lot of
those trips and it's also hard like, if your kids, little when
Ryder was six, like who could babysit him?
Like I can't get a break. If I go alone which most of
them, we had quite a few that were with friends.
This one couple friend, we did quite a few with them.
But the times we did it alone, you know.
I was like well I guess I won't be getting a break and you can't
drag your kid to the bar. So in right?
That's not.you know, out on the hotel balcony, Just Me Myself
and the battle bottle of wine and hey, yeah, their wives were
asked to they're watching a cartoon or whatever or they're
asleep and I'm just kind of out on the balcony.
Like here I am with my bottle of wine.
I didn't drink the whole thing. I'm disappointed in you.
We did vacations with my friend, Joan.
My Friend that she has two boys. The same age as my guest and we
travel with them and then we traveled with my sister and her
family, which my nephew's are around the same age as my boys,
and we've done that all the time.
We still do that. Who did you go to Cabo with
right after your husband died? I think, was that was just with
her, okay? Her family.
Don't even remember you going to Cabo?
Yeah, it was nice to the grave mean, I was gonna escaping, but
it was good to have passed. Friends and then her boys are
like cousins to my boys side works out really nicely and you
hang out with her husband too, and it's easy to do that some
husband's, it's awkward, right? You really like your friends
were the husbands were just so cool about it and that's the
same with Julie and job. My sister and brother-in-law and
because Toby was very close to her husband, so it was hard for
them to when we would travel together.
That's great. And that's something that people
don't really think about as the years go by, like, The beginning
everyone is thinking about how they can help and what they can
do. But as time goes by, nobody's
necessarily considering oh, let's invite Whitney.
And her crew to go with us because I don't know about you
guys, but I get overwhelmed with the planning of things.
So it would just be so amazing to just tag along and not have
to think about anything. Really.
I always used to look at Karen. Think how amazing she is like
three kids? As she would do these amazing
trips and I was like, I'm exhausted just thinking about
the travel to get myself over there.
Let alone that I she would have all these things planned and I
was like she's got more energy than I have.
That's just I really don't think I have that energy anymore.
I had it back then. Now I just want to go sit on a
beach and do a that nothing. Yeah, for whatever reason, for
me in nature, is kind of, when I felt him, I think maybe some of
it was just fewer distractions and just having that ability to
kind of think, think, clearly and have Some quiet time and
sighs now to have that. But early on, I didn't like it.
I wanted things to be just busy, busy busy because why?
It was like, oh God, I'm doing that at home.
Sure. But coming home and nobody's
there. It's it's hard.
I have a question that might be helpful to others.
I had a real issue with going back to places where I'd been.
Yeah, we're, I've been with Frank that really, I found I
very hard for a while. I feel like Like I'm starting to
do that more now. So all of the trips all the
things that I started doing with my kids were just completely
different things. Like places that I had not been,
we had not been as a family, because I tried it one year on
his birthday. We gathered in Cape, May New
Jersey, which was a place that we always went with the kids and
his family came, his sister and her kids and his parents and we
celebrated the birthday and I was in like this deep, deep
depression the entire time. You know why?
Or you figured out later? I kind of figured it out later
being around his family. Without him was really
difficult. So I think it was a combination.
I mean, I love them but it was a combination of being around his
family without him and being in this place that we used to
Vacation year after year. So then after that I kind of was
like alright I gotta just pick some places that have never been
and started started think it's easier.
It was way easier for me. I was not I'm so glad you
brought that up because I Was expecting it when we went back
to California and I prepare I was prepared for that.
But when I went to New York, a friend of mine, had invited me
to meet her in New York. She was there on business and I
could just stay with her and stuff.
And so, I took her up on it and when I got there, I was not
prepared and we lived in Connecticut.
So I think, if I had been going to Connecticut, I'd be like,
okay, I'm a might need to prepare myself for this, but
when I walked down the street in New York, Literally, it was one
of those moments where the tears are just falling.
I'm not even making a sound. I'm not even making the cry
face. It's just literal waterfall
because I was in this city without him, it took me to my
knees on has it can be like, like Kira said, when we went to
Germany, writer was just turned seven.
It was their first trip together to go see his family over there
and we got over there. We visited with them.
Em and then we left. Well, we waited at the airport
for five hours and realized the captain came out.
And he said, unfortunately, I've timed out, so they made us go to
a hotel. Well, my father-in-law who was
alive at the time, doesn't speak very good English, and he
doesn't drive into the city, right?
It was he live. He lives on the outskirts of
homburg. So Ryder, and I were were sent
to a hotel and like the red light district of Humber, it
just felt scary and I had this seven year Child with me.
And there was no restaurant open at the time.
So we had to go out into the city, to go get food.
And, and we're screaming American, and don't forget 9/11,
Al Qaeda. Where were they?
Where were they all stationed? Homburg all that was going
through my mind. I know trauma everything is.
I'm sure. Al Qaeda is coming to get us.
I'm sure that we have American straight ahead.
It you make everything so much worse than it has to be, but
that's how the brain works when you've been traumatized
everything's dire. Creates this fight or flight
response in situations, where there doesn't need to be one
column, one was all over. So that's that was the problem
with him gone and then it ramped up to the nth degree and it was
a miserable trip. My poor son, he just saw me
coming done. I was like here I am in a
country I mean that was only like a year after I wasn't even
a year and you're in a foreign country and I don't speak the
language well and you know Americans I don't know that they
love. Us.
So you know what I don't have my husband as the German with me,
Triana Bridge. There's like you and Ryder.
Look German though, I feel like if you hadn't baby open your
mouth you could just put it right there. - do I just need to
guys are running by nice. You know, I guess my advice
would be if you're going to go back to those places and for me,
I want to go back to those places because I wanted to take
my kids to those places or like going to London.
I knew this was Is a trip that had been planned in my head
before Hunter died. We were going to do that
together with the kids at some point and I was really nervous
about doing it alone so I was going to tag along with another
family member and her family so that I could do this with
someone and then it just ended up where Hunters brother was
wanting to take the kids over for his 50th and it just worked
out. So I had hundreds brother with
me and it wasn't I was prepared but yeah sometimes I'll Go to
the air like the LA airport where we lived.
It's just the airport. But sometimes I get very teary
in the airport because we would when we were travel that's the
airport that we would be going out of or we would be picking
him up from the airport. After a business trip, it was a
weird connection to him and sometimes know what's going to
trigger. I realize the problem like, with
trauma and grief, I also have the same Frank and I lived in
New York City. We actually lived in the Village
during 9/11. I used to go back to see friends
and family and I would avoid the street that we lived on.
I wouldn't go. And I remember my mom saying,
you haven't taken the kids by your apartment or, you know, a
sling lived there and I just couldn't even go on the Block
for a really, really long time. You know, I think these things
just take time, I think you just have to give yourself the grace
to tackle it when you're ready, definitely for me, in New York
has always And seriously difficult Place.
Imagine that. Did you like?
I said, Francisco and yeah, - San Francisco.
And the first time I went back was, I don't know for months,
maybe after he died, and I went back for my friend's birthday
and I got off the plane, and it was like, the, I remember when
we moved, we sat in that same area of the airport.
I was pregnant with three-year-old with our cats.
Oh my God. And like, it was like the same
turn. Terminal and my got off the
plane and I was like just started crying.
What? I will say, the more I do it,
the less painful I'll get a little twinge like that's the
one thing, the memories that I have of Hunter and I as a couple
in Austin are college memories for some reason, those don't
make me sad. I don't have a lot of triggers
in the city. This is a funny story.
I just I was going to head to La this summer, just for, you know
I usually take Or something and go.
And I love to stay at the Loews Santa Monica because it's right
there at the ocean and that's where all of our I used to stay.
So I've gotten through that obviously, because I stay there
all the time, but the first couple of times was terrible.
Well, I looked it up, it's it's no longer do they got rid of it?
Another cup another we went yes. Another company bought it.
Yeah, you and I stayed with it willingly and but I Remember
Loving that hotel and we sat out at the fire pit and didn't I
passed out Out on the water. Like this woman is tired.
Getting out of town for me, for me.
Like with travel getting out of town is so much work with the
kids and the dogs. And the I used to hassle Frank
about it because we would go on vacation and I would pack myself
and all three children worse. Think we thought about it once?
I was like, because I was frustrated, we're getting ready
to go on a trip and I was like, you know you have to do is pack
your little man back like you don't.
Anything else is just your dude, stuff?
And, like, your little Dopp kit, and it's just like you here like
that, and it became a joke last week.
My boys went up to see my mom and my sister, and my pack
yourself. Get ready.
Get home. And I was like, why is Zach
suitcase here here? And he texted me.
And he said, I forgot my clothes, but I remembered
everything else. That is so cute.
Let him pack is on his own. Well, and I think now that we
have to travel alone, alone alone.
Yeah, you have to, I think what we're kind of demonstrating here
is Letting Go not just of expectations, but depending on
the age of your kid, let them handle their stuff.
I forgot a bra. I was only in charge of my own
packing this time. And I didn't bring Any bra,
their European barrier piano and a saggy sort of way but who
cares? Like who cares?
So letting go of all those expectations and letting
yourself relax, that was other thing that I'm hearing from us
like whether it be fallen asleep.
Now, it depends on the age of your kids but maybe when you're
thinking about travel as a widow, you find a way to give
yourself a little bit of time alone, whether it be putting the
Kids in the hotel camp or if you're staying with friends,
asking them to give you a half a day or something.
If you're with your family, it's not a vacation, it's a trip,
you're on a trip. And when you don't have your
kids for my youngest, like we would do Telluride and then she
couldn't handle like some of the harder hikes at the bigger kids
could. And so I would I would do like a
little day camp for her and then I would have some time with the
big heads. It's all about sort of Balance
and figuring out what works for you, and your kids and your
family and having other families along really helps because
inclusives the big kids really do look out for the little kid
because they weren't siblings. That's another tip that I would
just share that really helped with me.
We're throwing out some really amazing destinations, but it can
be something like going and visiting your grandma.
The grandparents or cousins or hey, Agent.
Especially in the beginning I felt.
And I think we've talked about this before, the need to get
away Escape, I didn't want to be home in my mind.
I was like I'm gonna honor Hunters birthday by going
somewhere or I'm gonna honor our anniversary by taking us
somewhere and if you have the means to do something like that,
however, big or small that the trip is it, I think it's really
important. It.
First of all, created a little family.
Unit, when your unit was disrupted and then it gives
everybody a chance to kind of, get out of that grief.
It's true. I did, I did some staycations.
The first year they do Resort pass which is pretty good. $35,
you can go to a myriad of great Hotel.
Yes, do that. I do think it gets easier as
they get older for me. If I let go of wanting them to
be as excited about everything. As I am, sometimes they just
wanted to sleep in. He loved the hotel room I know.
Yeah, they got frustrated when they want to sleep in because
I'll be like we're in Barcelona. We need to get out and see the
site. Yeah.
Percent. But it's definitely easier by
contrast. So we every year would go visit
friends and Martha's Vineyard. There was this one year, my best
friend, rented, a house and invited us.
And this trip ended up being we had gotten this therapy dog to
that the kids insisted on bringing a therapy dog.
So I'm like, okay, what after the accident?
My kids were grieving Sweet. Friend was like we have to get
you this dog. I don't know if any of y'all
have ever been to Martha's Vineyard but not easy to get it
is like Planes Trains and Automobiles.
Yeah, we have the dog with us. So she flew on the plane with us
because she was supposed to, she had papers and she was allowed
to be on the plane. And so I'm like oh this will be
great. She will sit with the kids.
Particularly my son was really close with her that dog sat on
me so he didn't have to be in a carrier, it was on here.
Was no, she was out of the we had the vest and everything.
Yeah, hurt be best that talks out on me.
The entire way, then we get there.
I rent. I have to rent a minivan drive
to the vineyard was like six or seven hours and then you get on
the ferry with the car. I mean it is a lot and that year
I was sick. I had just a raging cold or
something and so I'm driving with the kids and the dog and my
Nose is just running and I can barely see the road and you know
these are just that's just one of Many Adventures we got there.
Okay, but oh. And then so we get to the
vineyard, we do the whole thing and the dogs got skunked.
Let's just say the dog is never traveled.
Since that was her one another, that's a toddler on the truth
one. And only true.
Thank you with us, I've kudos for it again.
I was like the kid. Kids have to have their therapy
David. And I mean after that, I was
like, she's staying home, you're gonna need therapy after taking
their. I talk and those things are so
stressful, just so anyway, but then, when you're dealing with
it alone, alone, looking back. Was it good that you took all of
those trips and that they were stressful or, and it's always
worth it once, you're there? I think.
It's because I like to go. Yeah, I won Kind of nightmare
trip. We had my sister and
brother-in-law were like come see us, they were in Florida and
there's a room for you and so nice and spontaneously, let's
go. And we flew to Dallas and our
flight got canceled. So we had to spend the night in
Dallas, you know, it's late and we had checked our bags, that's
why I don't check bags anymore. It was worth it once we got
there, we were at the beach but it was hard to do doing its
thing as a single parent did. I want to take the path of Of
least resistance though. So I don't look back on any of
it and regret it. I just wait.
I think the only thing I tell myself is like what Rider said,
just enjoy it more. And not, that's just kind of how
we do, I think when tragedy strikes and especially in the
first years you want? I wanted everything to look the
same. I mean, even back to, I remember
right after Oliver died, he used to brush his teeth with Ryder
and Ryder goes, I don't have to do it now because he's not here
and he threw the toothbrush. And I said, oh, but you do and I
gave it to him and we did it together.
And then, From then on and I said I'm going to I think that's
what triggered me to everything, had to be the same.
You have to adapt I mean we the reason we were still going to
the vineyard is because the kids loved it.
Our dear friends were there with us and Thomas actually wrote
about that. And one of his college essays,
you know, being kind of a constant in his life.
Also they took my kids after the accident, when I was when Karen
and I were still in the hospital, they took my kids to
the vineyard my big kids, and so I think that was a place for
Comfort but Yeah. I mean, I'd push through so many
difficult Journeys, getting there from Austin.
I mean, because I just wanted to have that consistency for my
kids, for sure. It's always worth it when you
get there, The Vineyards? Really pretty.
Here's a question for you guys. Several years after Hunter died.
I took them to beliefs, and that was a nightmare.
That was it was terrible. We only stayed like two days I
believe. Is it a friend of mine?
Had it Hotel on one of the keys and he had offered it up and he
was You just have to get here and then everything is taken
care of and that sounded really great.
It was it was terrible but if you saw my Instagram you would
think we would have been having an amazing time.
Well London the same I thought yeah, to maze know, London was
good. It was Paris where the wheels
fell off transfer in Belize. When I got off the flight they
asked me where the husband was where the father was he's dead
and they were like prove it have y'all had those experiences.
Did you know that you needed the death certificate to travel when
we got to Germany? That crossed my mind.
I started panicking. I had a Xerox for a long time in
my wallet. Is here. 0 my gosh.
I know that makes me sound so old that's like when your
grandma's a copy in my wallet for a long time, because I
needed it for almost everything that was.
No one told me that during and I had traveled.
Remember, we went to Mexico, The cow like if I was summer after
is never, I don't remember but maybe I did have it.
I was totally taken off guard. Its during covid.
We had this long flight, it was stressful with like the covid
test because remember you only you had to take it three days
prior and we're literally on our way to the airport and I'm still
waiting for the test results. Totally stressed.
And then, I'm with three teens, one of them really hated me at
the time. They're worried.
You're Going to escape with the casing that you're going to.
Yeah. The and it does happen.
I mean, I've seen the Lifetime movies.
Well, coming back from humber's, we're really thought about it
because I'm the American taking a dual citizen Addison.
Yeah. Back to the US and he's not with
me. This is weird, probably to you
guys, but I had photocopied almost all like serious
documents because I have a tendency to live but okay, I
mean did you see Took. I have all of that social
security cards, all of ya on. So that's a good tip.
So, that's a great tip because I am standing in Belize scrolling
through emails. Trying to find this was, what?
20 20, and he died in 2017. I'm wearing a mask.
I'm crying of course, trying to find proof.
I think the lady just felt sorry for me.
I finally found something and just kind of shit.
There's they act so badly. Do you realize I just wants
that? Leave them here.
Start acting up here, but he's stealing teenage, right?
No, we're trying to think you buns, but I do like what you
said. Lacy it have a picture of it and
you can just keep it on and make an album, on your and your
photo. That's a, yeah, I have the
medical, the medical card and I don't have the death
certificate, your driver's, license insurance health
insurance. I have a license good because if
you forget to go, if you go to the airport like one of my
friends, Her son went to the airport and didn't have his ID
and they took it, but they took the photo copy of that, which I
submit does me too but it sure, hey, that's what she said
happened right now and print it out like 10 copies of the
passport. That's right place.
Ins that insurance card everything and I just said,
stick it in. He's got like a backpack and I'm
like, just stick a copy in different areas and different
things and always scary in your shorts.
And in your, I don't know anything about that your
underwear and just like have a million different copies and on
your phone that's saying, sorry Mom.
So let's kind of wrap it up, wisdom.
I get out with the wrap it up and roll with it.
Yeah, what do we want to end with that?
People carry with them just roll with it.
I mean everything is not going to go according to plan, there's
going to be delayed or cancelled trains or maybe something gets
lost. Just gotta you gotta let me
think on your feet. Asians.
Yeah, limit your expectations, roll with it photocopy or Xerox
or fax it to yourself. Yeah, that's your blackberry
importantly, awesome notes. Yeah and be aware you will
probably be triggered. There will be moments on the
trip where you feel the grief, whether it's because you're
feeling very alone or you're appreciating what you're doing
and you wish that your partner was with you, you see those
families on the Beach in Florida, Rosemary Beach or
something, that our whole families are getting their
photos taken and yet all in white whale or a little
background me and my side over here like doing a selfie.
So, you know. Yeah.
And remember to give yourself a little bit of time to have a
vacation on this trip, whether it be a bottle of wine out on
the patio or in the bathtub or leaving the kids are just real
hearty recruiter, a recruit your people and it doesn't have to be
the trip of a lifetime. Time.
It can be a night at the local hotel so that you can have the
pool. So that your because it is on us
now to be the Entertainer to be the protector, the provider, all
of it. So it's nice.
If you can just take a break and swim in the pool, drink some
wine, okay? To keep it simple and I know
that guy. Let's do a resort pass.
Yes.