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And we remind you that you can not only survive, but thrive.
This is every widow thing. Welcome.
We're back and we're here to share some of our stories.
Today. It's going to be Lacey.
She's about to dive into a really difficult, heavy day, the
death of her husband. We're going to let Lacey take it
over and share her story about Oliver.
So Oliver and I were about to celebrate our 10 year wedding
anniversary. We were married September 23rd,
2001 and he had a tech conference in Las Vegas.
Which is probably not my favorite place to go.
It's been a long time since I've been, but we thought we'll tack
on our trip there. Stayed at a wonderful hotel, so
we had it all planned and we had our son Ryder, who was six at
the time. We had some family members come
to stay with them, but backing up the day before we were going
to leave to go to Vegas for the 10 year, he started not feeling
well. His back was hurting and his
stomach was hurting anyway. So.
I got him an appointment to see an internal medicine doctor.
I have to say, Oliver's never had an illness, a cold maybe.
He's never had a surgery, never done a drug in his life, barely
drank. He was super into fitness.
So I say that because we went into the doctor and he couldn't
see us. So they sent us to the PA in the
office and she misdiagnosed him with a stomach virus and a
pulled muscle. So we went home.
And it's just by talking to him like she just asked him some
questions. Yeah, she did blood work but she
did not do a urinalysis, which you should do when someone has a
backache. Learned all.
I learned a lot of these things. So yes.
And so we went home with muscle relaxers and I can't some anti
nausea medicine went home and we had this thing called a sick Bay
at our house. You go upstairs if that way both
can sleep well. Well, I got a text the next
morning that said it's the darkest night I ever saw and I
did not know what that. Meant from Oliver texting you.
Yeah, and it was very foreboding because I didn't know what it
meant. I didn't think much about it at
the time. Right.
Was he the type that would like overreact?
I wish he would have, no. He was a very quiet introverted.
He could be a baby like meaning if he had a sniffle.
But this was very different. I could tell he was not well.
So I went and made an appointment, he said, his back
with the orthopedic surgeon. I have a sports injury, so I had
that scheduled for the day at like 3:00, o'clock in the
afternoon, and I took my son to school.
So thank thank God for that. So he didn't see any of this all
play out. But my husband came downstairs
and he was moaning a lot and I remember thinking, good Lord,
someone who has nausea and a backache, why is he moaning so
much? But I have a back injury so I
thought that's got to be what this is.
So I made that appointment. And it was probably about 9:00
or so in the morning, and I put him in a in his office chair,
which had wheels on it. He was in so much pain.
He couldn't walk anymore. And while he was in that chair,
we were talking. And I heard this clicking noise
in his mouth. And I and my that's the part
where I'm not going to go into. But he ended up falling over.
I called EMS, ran and unlocked the front door.
They came flying in. I gave him the medicines he was
taking. And no sooner than that, about
five cops come in. So whenever that happens, I've
now learned that that's that's protocol when it happens in your
home. But they pushed me down in a
chair and the female told me to calm down.
So my husband's being wheeled out in a coma in my home.
And you're by yourself. And I'm by myself and I'm shoved
down in a chair, literally shoved in the chair.
And so I'm trying to call my sister and tell her to come
earlier instead of later because she was going to keep my son
before we go to Vegas. And so And the phone dropped.
I can't remember. The cop hit my arm or something.
The phone dropped, so my sister just came Anyway, thank God.
And the EMS guy, I'll never forget his face.
I've every EMS that I see, I look in there to see if it's at
him. Such a comforting face.
I remember. And he told them back off.
She didn't cause any of this. This is internal and that's how
I got released. So they were treating you?
Like I'd done something that's. Crazy.
Yeah. Because my husband died at home,
Sort of. And yeah, because not.
You were always allowed to go in the ambulance.
I don't understand. Why?
That's just automatically. No, that's a big That's why it
was so trauma. That's only one piece of the
traumatizing part, right? But his one of my girlfriends
came and picked me up. And drove me there.
And she was a nervous wreck, so it was.
Do they not have another person drive you?
No, I cannot. You had to believe they didn't
let you in the ambulance because they were still interrogating me
while he's gone. They had to take him immediately
and he's crazy, so they had to go take care of him.
And so meanwhile my friend comes against me and she's was my only
friend. That was a stay at home mom.
All my other friends worked. So I was like, who can drop and
come and get me so quickly? I called her, we go to the Seton
and he's in the ER. And I kept saying, is he in a
coma? Is he not in a coma?
And they wouldn't give me any answers.
It was very frustrating. And they sent me the priest who
was this 20 something guy? Oh my God, poor guy.
And we were trying to get in touch with my fatherinlaw in
Germany. And no one's giving you really
any information. He's in a room.
You're not with him. You're just waiting to hear I.
Don't know what's we don't know why he's in a coma.
He's had a stomach virus and a pulled muscle, right?
So we kept trying to call Europe, but Seton didn't at the
time. You couldn't call outside the
country, so I couldn't get a hold of him.
So here his son is in a coma and I can't reach his father so that
was frustrating. But anyway, we ended up getting
that figured out. But through the day he
subsequently never comes out of the coma.
When were you able to like how? How long were you kept from him
before you could go in? They finally it was afternoon.
It was probably one or two. So this was at like 930 or one
or two in the afternoon. By the time I was able, they put
him in a room in the ICU. And then it wasn't until 3:00
o'clock that we found it because the heart surgeon and come and
talk to me and the infectious disease guy was the best one of
all. He came to me and he said I
don't even know how someone this healthy.
He said, I think that it's his healthy, made it so bad because
when you have Group A strep, which everybody has had probably
in this room by strep throat, strep throat, but bacteria can
get into. Through a cut through, we think
maybe dental work that he had had done, we don't know, but it
happens to people all the time. But.
You did say if you have strep throat you should not get.
Never get dental. Dental work done strep throat.
And how long had he When was the dental?
Work five days prior so we don't know for sure cuz she like there
was a kid recently I sent you guys an article.
Same thing happened to him but it was his was the the type with
the the skin. He had a cut.
Yeah. It was a cut or something.
But you know we have a lot of orifices in our bodies and you
can have. I mean cuts like I have one on
my hand. Yeah.
I mean that's how we can get in. I mean it.
It's everywhere. And this is much more common
than people want to know because they're it's scary to hear
right. That a healthy person who.
And that's what the. 3630. 838, yeah.
It is true and it people always want to know.
Well, well. Was he sick?
Well, they're trying to figure out to to make them feel safe
that it won't happen to them. The infectious disease doctor
made me realize, he said that the problem with someone like
him, he said he's the healthiest person I've ever known that this
has happened to. He said it's disturbing and so
that said. So that it was right before
midnight and you know, it wouldn't until the afternoon, by
the way, that we didn't, that we knew exactly what it was, right.
So I'm still thinking ingested something.
So I went home and I cleaned out the refrigerator.
I was panicked and then I went back to the the ER and he had
had he'd coded several times and no one called me.
So I was furious, I don't know. But no one called me and I said
my number is on the board. Next time I'm not leaving
anymore. So now they were like, Oh no,
she's never going to go home. Well, they thought he was going
to be there for a while. People do come out of this.
It's more common than people think.
But that night, just before midnight, he he died.
So. Were you with him?
Yes, well, they pushed me out of the room because they were going
to try to revive him. And he never came out of the
coma, so there was there was a goodbye from my end, but I did
see his hand move and as I started cocking up and down when
I was talking to him, at one point the nurse was there and
she said I have not seen that him do that so.
And when you were sitting with him at that point, you hadn't.
I mean, did you ever think that he was going to die?
You just thought this is serious and.
Did anybody have knew it? You did.
You had an instinct. I did.
My sister took me outside to get some fresh air and even though
the doctor said I think you need to prepare for a long haul
because people do come out of it, they were preparing me for a
long haul. But I knew and I told my sister,
she said, I remember you telling that, said no, it's over.
And she said, well why don't we pray?
And I said you can, because I do believe in God.
I want to make that clear. But I was very angry, very
angry. This happened to such a nice
person, someone so young, And it was so.
What was it that made you think maybe this was the end or that
maybe he wasn't gonna pull through?
I think I was told in my. I think that's the connection
that I have, because I was. I was.
I think God. I think it's a God thing.
I think he was preparing me for what was about to happen and it
didn't prepare me, but it was still.
I was terrified. I was angry for a long time, and
no one better mention God to me at the time because they knew
better, because I was really angry.
Can I ask you a question about telling Ryder?
Do you feel comfortable sharing that part of it?
I do, because I think people need to know that.
I think people think, oh, it's been 11 1/2 years.
Aren't you over it yet? I'm sure you all heard that.
Or you're doing well. You should be good.
Well, imagine that. OK, so my son had gone to sleep
because this is after midnight. This is just before midnight
that he died. So my son had gone to sleep.
My sister and brotherinlaw had come in town, thankfully.
And he's six years old. I mean, where did he?
He just thought his dad was sick and he was at the hospital.
But he just thought he'll come home.
Yeah, because that's because, you know, we still didn't know.
I mean, we were still in the dark up until he died.
So it was we put him, they put him to bed and.
My parents came and got me, and my parents drove all night from
Mississippi. And you know, my parents are
older too. So they drove all night, came
and got me and I didn't sleep at all.
And then the next morning, obviously I've been crying for
the entire day and so my son came out and he was mom.
You look weird. Your eyes look weird.
And I this is the part that's hard.
We should have had some Kleenex in here.
What were we thinking you? Don't have to.
Talk about it. Yeah.
I remember when we were driving to go tell my kids and you're
thinking their whole life is about to change.
Right now, everything is the same.
They have no idea. And I am about to have to be the
person that breaks their world open.
And that is the hardest thing. I can't imagine having to tell a
six year old who hasn't had really any.
Experience with death at all. And he was trying to comfort me.
That's the way he broke my heart.
Yeah, of course he. Was yeah.
And he still. He still does.
He. Still does.
He's still just the total. I mean, that's why I tell people
that I poured all my energy into him and he's what got me
through. So I was.
He's an incredible kid. Incredible.
He is. I'm grateful for that.
Just maybe for some of our listeners, maybe move on to what
happened then in terms of there's so much that has to be
handled and I didn't know you then, but people must have
stepped in and I. Did I was fortunate that we had
been living here. We were both new here at the
same time. So when we first started dating,
it was kind of laughable. We, he knew all the people that
at Vignette was the software company because he'd been there
a while. I was new.
I hadn't been there but a few months when we got together.
So we have a lot of, we had a lot of friends that that one of
them did the 12 days of Christmas, my little play group.
And so every day they would leave a surprise at the front
door and writer would go and get the surprise.
He was so excited. You know, his dad had just died.
And you know, I learned after reading a lot of books that kids
at every age have a different grieving process, the kids that
were older. Sometimes in their way they
grieve harder. Mine could only go in for little
periods of time and then he'd video game and then he would go
out of and then come back again and and sometimes he would cry
about things that were not related to that and but I knew
that's what it was, that. Related, yeah.
But the 12 Days of Christmas was really fun.
So every day he would wait, which is the one?
The dancing girls. That's the 12 Days of Christmas.
Yeah. How many?
What number is that? Please don't make me sing it.
So. I'm on the first day of.
Is that what it? Was ladies.
They're. Like, can can girls?
I think so. A friend of that's in the
playgroup, Amy. I won't say her last name.
She has all the dancing girls from her kids.
School. Oh, my Internet.
Or dancing with a Jaron box. It was hysterical.
The whole neighborhood was staring like, what is going on
at our house? That's amazing.
But it was it. It really helped him.
Yeah. Your.
Heart is breaking for yourself, but your heart is breaking for
them because they're babies and you know, your brain goes to all
the things that they won't have now that their dad is.
Gosh, that is true. It was weird.
Everybody's like, it's so hard. I said the hard part, Honestly,
two things for what Oliver was missing.
He missed so much. I mean, he's missed every grade.
He's about to graduate high school and he's missed 12
grades. Fortunately, several years in
life started getting a lot better.
But I could not go to dinner every nights.
I had to be home when he'd get home from school because he
would panic if I wasn't there. I.
Was going to ask you talk about your PTSD from just having to
deal with that day, but I was wondering if he also had.
PTSD. I talked to the therapist that I
got. Fortunately, my friend Mark gave
me the name of a great therapist and so that happened quickly and
she always say it was God, therapist, family and friends
that saved me because she was amazing.
She said if at his age the grieving process is different.
She said if you're better, he'll be better.
She was right, So the better I could cope and the better I took
care of myself. The better I was able to take
care of him and every day I could just see him getting a
little lighter. And we did end up switching
schools because he did not like being the pathetic one.
He wrote about it actually in his college essay I found it in
one of them was. I thought he didn't really talk
much about it because he doesn't like to talk about his dad's
death. He likes to talk about being a
Thriver. He's doesn't like being a
victim. That bugs him.
So I I saw that he talked about when he switched schools because
they asked him why. He did one of those interviews
for one of the colleges and he said, well, my dad died, he
said. But I don't.
I didn't want to be the kid that everybody pitied.
So I went to school that was going to be challenging.
I like languages and so we switched schools.
And was this in second grade? Yes, OK.
So we stayed at the other school for the year and that was not
good for either one of us because I don't like a lot of
attention. Yeah, you're similar, he You
don't want to be looked at as a victim or pity to, you know.
So. Not that that's what they were
doing, but people don't know how to handle the grief and so they
look at you with sympathy, but it also can just be you.
Don't want it to define you. I mean, it's being a big part of
the story and you know when you meet people.
That's always going to come into play, but you just don't want it
to define you. Exactly.
And especially for him. And so I it was kind of scary
though. He didn't speak a lick.
This is what he said. The essay is really true.
I was like, oh God, I'm sending my kid to a Spanish immersion
school. I don't speak Spanish.
I'm like 3 years of German and I'm still not good.
So we go to a Spanish immersion school.
All the kids have been there since PP3, so that's 345.
He's coming in after they've had three years.
Wow. Fortunately, he saw a kid that
he had gone to camp with. Love that kid so much because
when he saw his face, I thought, I'm going to be OK, He's going
to be 1. Friend he's got.
One friend, Layton, I'll say his name so.
Layton. He was so cute.
He still is, but he helped him and the the teacher, who was
from Barcelona, said. I'm going to tell you, you wait.
It's just gonna start happening and then flash forward.
A couple of months later, they had to give a presentation.
He wore his dad's tie, he said. He said I want to look good.
Seven years old. He puts on a big old tie and
he's, they had to wear uniforms there.
And so he puts on the tie and he's giving his presentation in
Spanish. I didn't know what he was
saying, so I had to turn to some of the parents and I was like,
is it good? Is it not good?
They were like, it's fine. I have to say, kudos to you
because that was a big decision and it's one of the first big
decisions that you had to make. Without Oliver, it could have
gone either way. Like, that's a beer, right?
And not having your partner to bounce the idea off of you can
stay frozen. I mean, that took a lot of
strength at a time in your life when you probably didn't feel
like you had any strength. It's what's funny is I review
what you said earlier you were talking about, I think you you
had a lot of friends switching schools, though, nobody there.
And this is what he loved about it.
This is what he wrote about in the essay.
I was like, you were right. Nobody knew either one of us.
No one knew what happened to us. They assumed I was divorced.
Yeah, longest time, no one knew, right?
They knew, but I didn't. Want that?
I didn't want people to assume I was divorced.
But I didn't want to talk about it either, so.
I was Tourette's, so I sold everything.
Sometimes it's easier to just let people make their
assumptions and then if you get closer with people, then you
reveal the truth and. Yeah, I reveal my truth to the
gas station attendant. Everyone though like.
Especially you've got that shirt.
Not divorced. Do you want to share some of
what what saved you And you said it was God, therapy, family,
friends or was it friends, family.
I don't know. That was brighter.
It was right. Or I could truly say it was he
was the. I don't know, he's such a
positive person. Someone said that about the
interview. They closed out the interview.
And I'm saying a lot about the college stuff because that's a
big deal. This is a big life changing
thing that happens to you and your family.
They're going to leave. I'm going to be an empty nester,
but I'm excited for his future. What were we asking?
This is what happens when you start talking about it happens
to me. Well, you said he's positive.
He's a positive person. Thank you.
Because talking about traumatic things, I can't remember a lot
of stuff. It's yeah, I don't want to, but
he is a positive person. He doesn't get down much and if
I'll say, God, they were so rude, he'll say maybe they had a
bad day, Mom. And so it makes me remember I'm
like, he has a lot of grace for people, which I admire in a
person. So he's not perfect.
He still sleeps too long and still messy.
And you know, he can talk back to me sometimes and thinks he
knows more, but for the most part he's been the bright light
and all of it. So I think that's the surviving
technique. Exercising is a thing, meeting
all of you. Everything got a lot better when
I had someone who could relate to my story, right?
Because everybody would put me with the divorces.
And I'm not saying I want to be clear.
Their world is not easy either. It's just different.
And I needed someone that like some divorces don't get a break
either. But at the time I was thinking,
Oh my God, I'm never going to have a break again.
I'm sure that had to cross your minds.
I was. Thinking, yeah, I was kind of
jealous. Like you get every other weekend
off. And yet, I didn't want my kid to
go anywhere, either. I had a weird like because I
know you and I've talked about Kira, that we we like the
escapist thing. But I couldn't escape because I
wanted him to come with me, not because I'd love to say it's
because I'm the best mommy in the world.
But it was really out of fear. If something happens to him, I'm
not going to be okay. He's all I got left.
So I dragged him everywhere and he now knows where that comes
from. And we've it's I love him being
this age because we can talk about, like, now you know, when
he was young, he probably thought, what the heck is wrong
with my mother? She's crazy.
Now he still thinks I'm crazy, but at least he knows why crazy.
We're gonna have an adult conversation.
Yes. And now he understands that.
When I was losing it, he said an ugly word one time in the back
seat of the car. And I said, writer, where did
you hear that? Because I got it from you, Mama.
And I was like, Oh my God. Well, we've all been.
There, down the river, but Oh well.
Would you say, because I know that for people that are just
starting this grief journey? You worry about what's going to
happen to your kids, Absolutely. And I always say, as crazy as it
sounds, they're going to be OK if you are grieving in a healthy
way too, would you say? He's doing great.
Yeah. I have to say he's a positive,
happy. He's driven.
That's good. He's just, he's very introverted
like his dad, but he's chatty. He says he's the chatty
introvert, but I think he's doing well because.
Because of you. Well, yeah.
I mean, I think there's some of it in spite of me.
I think he's doing well because it's his own personality.
And I think some of it's because I did stay close.
But you also. Communicated with him along the
way and I think that's important.
Don't hide your grief from the kids.
They know it's happening. They feel it.
It's giving them that. Makes the mission to grieve.
To. Yeah, right.
I think definitely we would. I learned from Oliver's family,
really how to manage this better than even what I got in therapy.
His mother died when he was 10 and his sister was 6, the same
age as writer, and they never discussed it.
The kids didn't go to the funeral.
So I was like, what is that? No.
And both my parents are counselors, so and and oddly
enough they didn't handle all this very well because it's
their daughter. But I did learn that the best
way is to show them that you can grieve and recover.
Grieve and recover, that I'm not going to stay down.
I'm having a down day. And I would say that even when
he was only 6, I'd say I'm having a bad day or a bad
moment. I'll be OK And he and I gave him
permission to cry and I think that's really important that I
know from me. If I can get it out, I feel a
lot better. Well, I'm glad you brought it
here. I think it's going to help a lot
of people. Lacey, thank you.
I know this was a difficult day. We love you and we love you.
And you did all. You guys.