1 00:00:00,720 --> 00:00:04,920 Grief is messy and I'm no maid. This is every widow thing. 2 00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:09,160 Hi, everybody. Welcome back to every widow 3 00:00:09,160 --> 00:00:12,040 thing. I'm here with the usuals Kira, 4 00:00:12,040 --> 00:00:14,600 Holly and Whitney. I'm Lacey. 5 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:17,560 And today we have a special guest, Shelly Orashiba. 6 00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:19,440 Welcome and thank you for having me. 7 00:00:20,200 --> 00:00:23,160 We received a message on Instagram a while back from one 8 00:00:23,160 --> 00:00:25,480 of our listeners. They wish that we would address 9 00:00:26,040 --> 00:00:30,280 having a partner because this particular person didn't. 10 00:00:30,360 --> 00:00:32,560 They didn't get married. They were planning on getting 11 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:34,920 married, but they hadn't gotten married because there were some 12 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:36,320 other things that had to take place first. 13 00:00:36,320 --> 00:00:40,160 So we have Shelly here today because unfortunately she has 14 00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:44,440 something in common with us. She lost her partner back in 15 00:00:44,440 --> 00:00:47,920 2018. When I met Shelly, I was talking 16 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,840 to the girls and we were like, yes, we should absolutely have 17 00:00:50,840 --> 00:00:52,840 her on the show if she'd be willing to do it. 18 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:56,120 So we really appreciate you being on our show today. 19 00:00:56,120 --> 00:00:57,160 Yeah. Thank you. 20 00:00:57,360 --> 00:01:00,160 Yes, thank you for having me and I just hope I can provide you 21 00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:03,360 know some some value to people in my situation. 22 00:01:03,360 --> 00:01:07,480 I think you will A little brief background that I know just from 23 00:01:07,480 --> 00:01:10,200 talking to you. Andrew sounded amazing. 24 00:01:10,200 --> 00:01:13,560 He was a father first and foremost to two kids. 25 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:18,040 Your partner, he was a contributor to Outside magazine, 26 00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:21,600 which is a really cool magazine. He's an amazing athlete. 27 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:26,440 He was a cyclist and he was a book author and sounded like a 28 00:01:26,440 --> 00:01:30,240 really cool, deep guy from just from what I could understand and 29 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:34,120 what people had said about him. So I think starting out, we 30 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:37,880 could talk about maybe a fun story about how you guys met and 31 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:40,680 then talk a little bit about your life together with your 32 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:43,880 kids. Yeah, so it is a fun story how 33 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:46,160 we met. We met on the World Wide Web. 34 00:01:46,360 --> 00:01:49,840 OkCupid and I had joined. Wow, we haven't talked about 35 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:53,080 that, I. Had joined OkCupid because my 36 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:57,400 oldest son said this is where you get the better quality of 37 00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:00,640 individuals and so I said OK I'll do it. 38 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:04,600 And I had no, really no luck in dating online. 39 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:08,520 It's it was it had been awful. We can relate, yes. 40 00:02:08,880 --> 00:02:13,960 We can. I responded to Andrew and we 41 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:18,880 went back and forth, you know, multiple times a day for quite a 42 00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:20,920 long time. On the app on the. 43 00:02:21,040 --> 00:02:23,160 On the app. On the app, yeah. 44 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:28,600 And at one point he comes back and he says you're you're not 45 00:02:28,600 --> 00:02:32,120 going to believe this. I know your son, Jordan. 46 00:02:32,720 --> 00:02:35,400 How? So you know, first he's Googling 47 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:36,320 me. I now know. 48 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:38,280 Which is kind of creepy, right? Right. 49 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:40,920 But we all do it. We all do it right? 50 00:02:41,600 --> 00:02:44,320 I raise guilty of that. And so he typed in my name, 51 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:51,240 which is spelled with an IE, and he typed in triathlete and I 52 00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:54,960 came up and so he saw the last name, which is very uncommon, 53 00:02:54,960 --> 00:02:57,720 It's Orochiba. And he said, I know your son, 54 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:00,560 you're not going to believe it, but he's actually my cycling 55 00:03:00,560 --> 00:03:02,960 coach and I said isn't that. Crazy. 56 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:04,320 Oh, wow. That's. 57 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:06,080 Crazy. Oh my God. 58 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:09,240 And he went on to say. Her son, the 20 something is 59 00:03:09,240 --> 00:03:12,360 this guy's that's. That's crazy that that makes me 60 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:16,400 think there's a lot of talking when you're with your coach or 61 00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:19,120 an instructor about life and stuff. 62 00:03:19,120 --> 00:03:23,520 So I would think he found out a lot about your family, like he 63 00:03:23,520 --> 00:03:25,720 knew stuff about. About you. 64 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,640 Family. That wasn't on OkCupid. 65 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:31,800 This is true. You know, I hadn't actually 66 00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:35,400 thought about that, but Andrew said, you know what, if we meet 67 00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:38,560 and nothing happens, he never has to know. 68 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:43,000 But Jordan was right downstairs and so I ran downstairs and I 69 00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:46,560 asked him and firstly, is this going to compromise your 70 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,840 coaching client relationship, right? 71 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:51,120 And then secondly, should your mom go? 72 00:03:51,160 --> 00:03:52,880 What do you think about him? Yeah, yeah. 73 00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:55,480 And he said this is the funniest thing. 74 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:58,680 He said Andrew never does his workouts like he's supposed to. 75 00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:01,920 That was a little. Tip. 76 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:06,400 But I but I think he's a nice guy and you should go out on a 77 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:07,640 date with him. So. 78 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:10,600 And it took several months before you actually went out 79 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:11,640 with him, didn't it? Yes. 80 00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:15,160 Oh wow, were you just? Busy or were you just not sure? 81 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:18,760 It it took a while. And no, I wasn't sure. 82 00:04:18,839 --> 00:04:23,480 I wasn't wasn't sure. It had been years since I dated 83 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:26,080 so. But also his divorce was 84 00:04:26,080 --> 00:04:30,120 finalizing and I was pretty particular about like not seeing 85 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:34,760 him until things were completed and that makes sense. 86 00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:39,640 And so yeah, I went on my first date with him on May 1st of 2014 87 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:44,520 and he had gone to to court to sign finalize the papers earlier 88 00:04:44,520 --> 00:04:48,160 that day. So he wanted to celebrate what? 89 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:50,160 A way to remember it I. Didn't waste my time. 90 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:51,760 Exactly first. I have to. 91 00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:54,680 I have to back up. I have to backtrack because I 92 00:04:54,680 --> 00:04:57,200 had been at this place called the Driveway and that's a place 93 00:04:57,200 --> 00:05:01,680 where they raced bikes, my son raced bikes and and so I was, I 94 00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:06,720 just had low expectations and I was sweaty and I wasn't wearing 95 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:09,280 makeup and I wasn't wearing anything nice. 96 00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:11,960 Isn't that awesome? Yeah, I was like he's he's he's 97 00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:15,200 going to like me or not. And I love that he came in and 98 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:20,240 he's all dressed up and, you know, wearing a nice collared 99 00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:22,760 shirt. And I I felt like sort of a 100 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:27,080 jerk. You guys start dating in 2014 101 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:31,520 and how long were you together? When did it get serious it? 102 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:36,040 It didn't take very long. I think by about the third date 103 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:42,440 we we actually went to Kerrville and we had planned some ride 104 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:45,520 routes and it just it was in the summer it happened to be 105 00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:50,200 particularly hot and on the second day we had planned 100 106 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:53,280 mile bike ride. And one would do and. 107 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:56,480 I always doing all my. So many dates like that. 108 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,120 Hey, almost everyone, Well. I did a mirror at. 109 00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:02,800 Least 100 miles. So anyway, you know, I'd mapped 110 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:04,800 it out. I'd spend some time figuring out 111 00:06:04,800 --> 00:06:07,520 where all the little towns were so we could get water. 112 00:06:07,880 --> 00:06:10,240 Those weren't towns there. There was no water. 113 00:06:10,240 --> 00:06:12,000 There's no towns, it's. Just, yeah. 114 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:15,920 There was one place that there was a post office box and we've 115 00:06:15,920 --> 00:06:18,080 been out of water for a long. Time. 116 00:06:19,040 --> 00:06:23,000 And so, but there's somebody washing their postal vehicle 117 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,960 with the hose in the back of the post office. 118 00:06:26,600 --> 00:06:30,400 I go immediately to fill my water bottles and drink out of 119 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:32,840 the hose. And I went to hand it to Andrew 120 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,840 and he said I I can't drink out of that. 121 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:39,400 And I was like, what do you mean you can't drink out of it? 122 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:42,200 But he wasn't having anything to do with it. 123 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:46,280 I think he's had Giardia before. So it was a yeah, that's. 124 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:47,000 Pretty. Bad. 125 00:06:47,960 --> 00:06:51,000 But anyway, it was air conditioned, so we lay down on 126 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,920 the post office floor. Oh my gosh. 127 00:06:53,920 --> 00:06:57,320 And someone came in and and she, I I thought she was an Angel 128 00:06:57,320 --> 00:07:00,080 because she said are you guys OK? 129 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:03,080 And Andrew was never a quiet person. 130 00:07:03,440 --> 00:07:06,080 So he blurted out, we need water. 131 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:11,280 And and this woman came back from her car with those huge 132 00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:15,920 smart water bottles. You know, usually when you face 133 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:19,800 that sort of adversity, that's when people get angry. 134 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,920 They lose their patience. And and he never did. 135 00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:26,240 He never did. I just remember that night and 136 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:31,120 my gosh, we were so tired. But I I just looked at him and I 137 00:07:31,120 --> 00:07:36,800 was like, I have two choices. I can not go down this road or 138 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:38,880 I'm going to go all the way down this road. 139 00:07:38,880 --> 00:07:40,840 There was, you know, there was no in between. 140 00:07:40,840 --> 00:07:42,920 So, so I knew pretty early on you were. 141 00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:44,040 Really into him, Right? That's. 142 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:44,880 Really. Cool. 143 00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:47,880 And that day kind of solidified your feelings at that moment. 144 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:49,400 Absolutely Nice. So. 145 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:52,040 How did the like in the dating aspect of it? 146 00:07:52,040 --> 00:07:54,960 I know you Co mingled families, like how did that come about? 147 00:07:55,240 --> 00:08:01,520 I think because parenting is so important to both of us, that we 148 00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:05,040 really wanted to spend time with the families together. 149 00:08:05,040 --> 00:08:09,840 I think the first trip we took was that summer we went took the 150 00:08:09,840 --> 00:08:14,960 kids down to Padre Island in Mexico and it was it was 151 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:16,760 fantastic. They got a law grade. 152 00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:20,520 They're close to the same ages. What were the everyone's ages, 153 00:08:20,520 --> 00:08:27,000 the children at that time? And so Isaac was 14. 154 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:32,799 He might have been 1314. Layla was 11 or 12. 155 00:08:32,799 --> 00:08:36,840 Those are Andrew's kids. And then Ethan, my youngest son, 156 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:40,280 was just a few months younger than Layla, so they were all 157 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:43,039 pretty close in age. And they all got along really 158 00:08:43,039 --> 00:08:45,120 well and it was kind of an immediate thing. 159 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:48,880 Or was it it just take a while? It just no it. 160 00:08:48,920 --> 00:08:51,960 It was easy. It was easy and. 161 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:55,320 So talk to us about you. You've met this great guy. 162 00:08:55,320 --> 00:09:00,760 The kids are seem to be working, gelling, doing well together. 163 00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:03,600 But you made an interesting decision. 164 00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:09,240 So we we knew that the intention was was to live together and 165 00:09:09,240 --> 00:09:14,040 combine the families. But we knew that that's a big, 166 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:16,840 that's a big move and you don't want to be wrong about doing 167 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:19,440 something like that when you're involving the children, right. 168 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:25,640 And so I think early that fall we decided to go start doing 169 00:09:25,640 --> 00:09:29,560 some counseling just to work through potential conflicts. 170 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:34,480 And we thought by the time we came around the first of the 171 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:38,280 year, we felt pretty confident about about doing that and so 172 00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:42,080 and so they moved in. They all moved into my home in 173 00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:45,280 January. Of 2015. 174 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:47,840 OK, wow. Amazing. 175 00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:51,360 That is, That's what it. Had been about six months ish 176 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:55,320 since you met. Well, yeah, it was a little, it 177 00:09:55,320 --> 00:09:58,120 was a little more than that. But yeah, I I call it a year 178 00:09:58,120 --> 00:09:59,480 because that's how long we've been talking. 179 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,400 Well, I met married in eight months. 180 00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:05,480 So, hey, you know, you know you. Actually decided not to get 181 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:08,160 married, is that right? Or it had just not come. 182 00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:09,280 It hadn't. It wasn't. 183 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:12,120 No, we talked about it. We we talked about it. 184 00:10:12,120 --> 00:10:15,240 I don't think at that point we were talking about it, but I 185 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,720 think, you know, it was definitely our intention. 186 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:23,480 But by the time we were really ready to do something like that, 187 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:26,520 the kids were in the midst that they're going to prom, they're 188 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:29,440 graduating, they're getting their driver's licenses. 189 00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:34,360 And it just, you know, it wasn't our time to have the spotlight 190 00:10:34,360 --> 00:10:36,360 it. Wasn't theirs, Yeah. 191 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:41,120 So as we all do, we think we have plenty of time to make 192 00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:45,960 those choices down the line and we'll just wait and and then 193 00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,560 what happened? I guess what we want to know is 194 00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:52,120 we haven't told everybody what happened to Andrew, so you can 195 00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:55,360 talk about how many years in before that fateful day. 196 00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:58,120 Yeah, well, well, you know, we lived together and and there 197 00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:02,840 were conflicts and but we had really similar parenting styles 198 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:06,200 and that's one of the things we we went through in counseling. 199 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:13,200 But we did that for a few years and we we did vacations 200 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:16,560 together. You know, Andrew sold his BMW 201 00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,640 and got a minivan which is still. 202 00:11:18,640 --> 00:11:21,040 Driving commitment. Yeah, that is. 203 00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:24,640 So so. In your mind, you're really 204 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:27,680 already man and wife. You're already married. 205 00:11:27,680 --> 00:11:31,280 It was just a legal matter that had to be taken care of, so. 206 00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:33,240 And we took care and. You had a legal. 207 00:11:33,240 --> 00:11:34,920 We took care of things. Yeah. 208 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:38,720 We got an attorney and we did our, we did our wills. 209 00:11:39,040 --> 00:11:42,360 Well, you know, we did, you know, all the final documents 210 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:46,320 that everyone should have. But, you know, we really thought 211 00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:49,640 we had things secured. The kids were on my health 212 00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:51,280 insurance. Andrew was on my health 213 00:11:51,280 --> 00:11:54,600 insurance. And so yeah, we felt like we 214 00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:58,000 had, you know, sort of checked off all the boxes. 215 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:01,040 But Andrew went for went for a bike ride. 216 00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:04,520 And this is what day? It's February 17th of 2018. 217 00:12:04,800 --> 00:12:06,680 So you're four years together at this point? 218 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:09,640 Andrew went on a bike ride which he liked to do. 219 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:14,800 He had this team called VOP, which people joke was very old 220 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,320 people riding their bike. He. 221 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,080 Was fifty, Yeah. OK. 222 00:12:18,160 --> 00:12:23,200 Yeah, he He was so young, 52. Yeah, it gets younger every year 223 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:24,800 to me, too. Yeah, exactly. 224 00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:28,160 Anyway, it was just a normal day. 225 00:12:28,280 --> 00:12:31,680 It was just a normal morning. That did you go with them? 226 00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:34,280 No. And I went with them sometimes, 227 00:12:34,640 --> 00:12:37,560 but they were just too fast for me. 228 00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:39,840 I was tired. I didn't feel like getting 229 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:41,640 dropped. And you get dropped and then 230 00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:46,400 you're riding your bike alone. And they do this really hard 231 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:49,920 route where they go over the damn loop and it's just huge, 232 00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:52,920 huge hills, right? But anyway, there was a, there 233 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:57,640 was a substantial group, and I didn't think anything of it. 234 00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,080 Like I started getting pictures out because we were going to 235 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,680 hang, we had purchase frames and we were going to hang some more 236 00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:06,440 pictures. Well, give me a minute. 237 00:13:06,440 --> 00:13:07,080 That's so. Bad. 238 00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:09,080 This is the hard. This is hard. 239 00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:13,560 Well, one thing that our listeners ought to know is that 240 00:13:13,640 --> 00:13:17,080 Shelly talks about like this was a tough cycling event, but 241 00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:21,720 you're a triathlete like you're you're as athletic as he. 242 00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:24,800 Yeah, we were nuts together. Yeah. 243 00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:29,040 So I think people ought to know that that was not unusual for 244 00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:32,320 you to go with him on those bike rides, but this particular day 245 00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:35,680 you had decided to stay back. Yes, yes. 246 00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:41,360 And I got a call from one of his team mates and he said there's 247 00:13:41,360 --> 00:13:46,560 been an accident that he said prepare yourself because it's 248 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:49,600 really bad. I'm so sorry. 249 00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:54,200 I'm so sorry. So he was changing a flat tire 250 00:13:55,240 --> 00:14:01,800 well off the road on 6/20, which is apparently a place we learned 251 00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,880 later where there are a lot of accidents and there have been 252 00:14:04,880 --> 00:14:11,520 some deaths. But, you know, people would ride 253 00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:16,120 by him and his teammates and they'd ask if he needed help. 254 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:19,520 And he said no, no, I'll just meet you up at the water stop, 255 00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:22,960 which wasn't too far ahead. And I just think about had he 256 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:27,120 not done that and there would have, there would have been 257 00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:29,080 multiple tragedies. Yeah. 258 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:32,720 And so it was just a really freak accident. 259 00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:37,320 There was a truck coming South that crossed over the double 260 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:39,360 line. And it's a pretty high rate of 261 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:42,840 speed out there, you know, because because we like to drive 262 00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:48,200 fast here in Texas, but people drive faster than the speed 263 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,240 limit on that road because it's very hilly. 264 00:14:50,560 --> 00:14:55,000 So a woman crossed over the center line, hit another truck 265 00:14:55,040 --> 00:14:58,880 head on, and then her truck proceeded to spin and tip where 266 00:14:58,880 --> 00:15:01,080 and there was changing his thought right off the side of 267 00:15:01,080 --> 00:15:06,680 the road. So nobody, none of his mates 268 00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:09,160 were with him. They were all ahead and. 269 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:11,400 Some of them were behind. So that some people. 270 00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:15,320 Saw the ACT like his little blinky light and his little tail 271 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:17,600 light, and then it wasn't there anymore. 272 00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:21,800 Like there was a father and son riding a tandem that saw it. 273 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:28,440 So he was taken to the hospital. He said, you know, they triaged 274 00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:31,600 him. He wasn't conscious. 275 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:35,960 And so I rushed to the hospital. I happened to be relatively 276 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:41,480 close because I was going into town to plan a brick for a good 277 00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:46,680 friend's memorial. Ironically, I called his ex-wife 278 00:15:46,720 --> 00:15:48,440 first because the kids were with him. 279 00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:52,600 And I I said, I don't know, just just let me figure out, you 280 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:54,920 know, what's going on and I'll call you back. 281 00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:58,040 And so. But she didn't wait for me to 282 00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:59,360 call her back. She headed out too. 283 00:15:59,840 --> 00:16:04,320 And I got into the emergency room and it was pretty empty. 284 00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:08,280 But there was a charge nurse there or the person that was 285 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:11,160 doing the admitting. And I told her who I was there 286 00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:14,840 for and that it was bad and and she just wouldn't look me in the 287 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,200 eyes. And I just knew. 288 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:19,840 Yeah. And so, but the charge nurse did 289 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:22,640 come back and take me into a little room. 290 00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:26,840 And he said that they moved him to get some imaging done. 291 00:16:27,560 --> 00:16:30,680 And his heart had stopped and they'd been doing CPR. 292 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:34,760 And I remember we sat for like, it was 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 20 293 00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:37,480 minutes, thirty minutes. And I just said stop it. 294 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:39,760 So he was hit at the base of his head. 295 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:43,400 So that's where your basic functioning occurs. 296 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:46,120 Yeah. And so, you know, everyone's 297 00:16:46,120 --> 00:16:50,800 calling everyone and pretty soon, like the the waiting room 298 00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:54,240 was chaos with all the kids from Saint Stephen's and their 299 00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:58,040 parents. And I think they actually tried 300 00:16:58,040 --> 00:17:00,440 to shove us off to a side room somewhere. 301 00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:07,319 But it was just, it was, it was awful, you know, people were 302 00:17:07,319 --> 00:17:12,800 screaming and crying and I mean, there was nothing I could do. 303 00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:17,200 I'm so sorry. There's nothing you can do. 304 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:20,599 And that's not. We are so grateful that you're 305 00:17:21,119 --> 00:17:24,440 willing to talk about it because it is very traumatic and 306 00:17:24,599 --> 00:17:27,839 especially we don't know you. But if you're not the type of 307 00:17:27,839 --> 00:17:32,840 person that really talks about it very often anyway, it's even 308 00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:35,120 more difficult. That's the hardest part, is not 309 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,440 having anybody. It's for me, it was. 310 00:17:37,440 --> 00:17:39,480 I don't know about for you that you don't have anybody who can 311 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:40,880 relate to what you've been through. 312 00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:42,560 Well. It's very isolating. 313 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:45,480 Yes, grief in itself is isolating. 314 00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:49,760 And I think in your circumstance you are this woman who's in 315 00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:53,520 love. You have a partner that you live 316 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:56,000 with. You've filled out all the forms 317 00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:58,800 and, you know, have everything taken care of. 318 00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:07,160 But the term widow is reserved for a wife, so it brings into 319 00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:11,800 play like what is a widow? Because in my mind you are very 320 00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:16,040 much a widow and to not and and I don't know. 321 00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:20,480 For me the title means something to me, like I tell everybody 322 00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:21,880 that I'm going. To listen. 323 00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:24,960 That's what we like. Yeah, I mean, she. 324 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:27,440 Said the gar waiter, the. Oh. 325 00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:32,360 Yeah. Yeah, that's a title. 326 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:34,560 For a while. Thankful. 327 00:18:34,560 --> 00:18:37,000 When you're going through something like this, it kind of 328 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:40,400 explains to people in one word, right? 329 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:44,160 So that you. Don't have a box like I wondered 330 00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:46,120 that. Like when we go to the doctor in 331 00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:47,920 your case. This is why when that person 332 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:51,360 wrote into Instagram, it made a lot of sense to have someone who 333 00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:53,880 could speak to that. Like you could tell us now after 334 00:18:53,880 --> 00:18:58,760 the fact, then what happens, like when you are not married 335 00:18:58,760 --> 00:19:00,680 and your partner but and you had a will. 336 00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:04,680 But like what happens then? Well, I mean it's it started 337 00:19:04,680 --> 00:19:06,320 basically from the very beginning. 338 00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:08,440 I was. Thinking that you might say you 339 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,600 showed up at the hospital and they wouldn't speak to you, 340 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:15,560 which I think might also be a circumstance. 341 00:19:15,920 --> 00:19:18,120 Unless there's a durable power of attorney you have. 342 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:20,080 Power of attorney when you get the paperwork, Yes. 343 00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:22,000 So I wouldn't. Why wouldn't that be you? 344 00:19:22,280 --> 00:19:26,880 If yeah, I had the durable power of attorney and so, So in a lot 345 00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:32,120 of instances I had the responsibility of of a a legal 346 00:19:32,120 --> 00:19:34,760 spouse, a legal widow. All the paperwork. 347 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:36,400 Yeah. And cost? 348 00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:38,200 And cost. Oh, wow. 349 00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:41,480 Yeah, but. None of the compassion. 350 00:19:42,240 --> 00:19:44,840 Well, did you? I I imagine you had compassion 351 00:19:44,840 --> 00:19:47,160 with his cycling crew because those were your people, weren't 352 00:19:47,160 --> 00:19:50,600 they? Yeah, like they all, you know, I 353 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:53,480 was getting messages and phone calls and everything the next 354 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:56,240 day and I was, I was, I was a mess. 355 00:19:56,920 --> 00:20:00,880 But you know, people were crying and I just said open up the 356 00:20:00,880 --> 00:20:04,080 house. So that's what we did. 357 00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:07,200 I don't remember much of it. And there was a big memorial, I 358 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,800 understand too. Did you do the planning for 359 00:20:09,800 --> 00:20:10,720 that? Yeah. 360 00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:14,600 So we had there were several services and there was 361 00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:16,560 contention about that too, right? 362 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,880 And that's contention between you and whom? 363 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:24,520 Mainly Andrew's sister about what was wanted. 364 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,920 You know, there was an argument about whether or not he'd be 365 00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:29,120 cremated. And I was like, well, Andrew 366 00:20:29,120 --> 00:20:32,320 wanted to be cremated. We talked about this and she was 367 00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:34,320 adamant that he wouldn't be cremated. 368 00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:40,000 And so all of these little riffs start start to take place by. 369 00:20:40,000 --> 00:20:43,880 And you're in the middle of your grief, deep, deep grief, shock. 370 00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:46,640 And now you're having to have these conversations. 371 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:50,720 You're not united or they don't defer to you. 372 00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:54,360 Is that? Yeah, correct. 373 00:20:55,600 --> 00:20:58,560 Yeah, I think it was one of the kids in that argument about 374 00:20:59,080 --> 00:21:02,200 being cremated or not being cremated that stood up and said 375 00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:05,640 dad wanted to be cremated and so that was the end of that. 376 00:21:06,440 --> 00:21:09,400 But you know, just people, people having to pull the kids 377 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:13,520 to take sides and it things that should have never happened. 378 00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:15,960 You seem to try to check all the boxes. 379 00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:19,280 Is there anything that looking back now you're like I we should 380 00:21:19,280 --> 00:21:22,840 have done this or this or besides getting married? 381 00:21:23,080 --> 00:21:25,040 You know, make sure your paperwork is in order. 382 00:21:25,280 --> 00:21:27,760 What would that be? So it depends on the state that 383 00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:32,520 you're in. Texas recognizes common law and 384 00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:34,120 so. Ten years or or. 385 00:21:34,440 --> 00:21:37,560 Is there a year that you? No, as long as you declare 386 00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:40,640 yourself publicly or show yourself as married. 387 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:44,520 And there was a big contention about that and retrospect, I 388 00:21:44,520 --> 00:21:46,960 should have gotten an attorney, but I didn't. 389 00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,720 Well, you're in. I mean, we talked about it all 390 00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:51,400 the time. Just all means that you have to 391 00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:54,640 all of a sudden take care of when you are dealing with the 392 00:21:54,640 --> 00:21:57,320 worst possible thing that you have ever dealt with. 393 00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:59,800 And it was sudden. So it's not like you had time, 394 00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:03,160 you know, over a long illness to talk to him about how things 395 00:22:03,160 --> 00:22:05,520 would play out. No, I mean, just a few days 396 00:22:05,520 --> 00:22:10,120 later, we were in San Francisco at his synagogue memorial. 397 00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:13,640 And then there was A and then there was another synagogue 398 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:16,680 service here. And then a few months later, the 399 00:22:16,680 --> 00:22:20,960 memorial that you talked about, which was huge, we had to wait a 400 00:22:20,960 --> 00:22:25,000 few months because Isaac was in Patagonia hiking at the time. 401 00:22:25,240 --> 00:22:29,400 Yeah. How did this, this contention 402 00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:33,800 between other family members or or whoever it ended up being? 403 00:22:33,800 --> 00:22:38,280 Maybe his parents, his family? Did the paperwork that you 404 00:22:38,280 --> 00:22:42,280 filled out, did that ultimately end any arguments that? 405 00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:44,040 Were No. Being handled. 406 00:22:44,760 --> 00:22:47,280 So what should have been in place for things to have been 407 00:22:47,280 --> 00:22:50,840 more palatable towards someone who was not yet married? 408 00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:52,960 If you declare yourself as common law, and you could do 409 00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:56,320 this in other states to make sure you have a document that 410 00:22:56,320 --> 00:23:01,760 says that you know a notarized document that says that I didn't 411 00:23:01,760 --> 00:23:04,640 have that. And a will wouldn't be enough 412 00:23:04,640 --> 00:23:07,840 and your power of attorney wouldn't be enough, right? 413 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:10,440 That's crazy. Doesn't common law just say that 414 00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:12,840 you're cohabitating? That you share the same 415 00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:15,840 residents that. That you that you refer to each 416 00:23:15,840 --> 00:23:18,880 other as married, like you consider yourselves married. 417 00:23:18,880 --> 00:23:21,320 OK, which is sort of vague, right? 418 00:23:21,320 --> 00:23:23,560 I mean, well, it's. Crazy because you've done you're 419 00:23:23,560 --> 00:23:28,000 living together, you're on each other's insurance, you've got 420 00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:29,720 power of attorney, you've got wills. 421 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:31,760 You would think all of that would be. 422 00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:34,720 You would think, I mean, really, they could prove that if you're 423 00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:37,160 not only living together, but because they were on your 424 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:40,120 insurance, that was the spam. Yeah, everything. 425 00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:44,040 Is were on your insurance so. For many months after after he 426 00:23:44,040 --> 00:23:48,160 passed Steven so. What was not in place like in 427 00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:51,840 for their family to realize that you're not so? 428 00:23:51,840 --> 00:23:57,240 Like one of the things that went on with the will was that was 429 00:23:57,240 --> 00:24:00,840 that there were underlying contracts that weren't taken 430 00:24:00,840 --> 00:24:04,520 care of in the background. And so say for instance, I take 431 00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:10,120 out a life insurance policy and I put somebody else's name on 432 00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:12,160 it. Is is a beneficiary. 433 00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:17,080 It doesn't matter if you give that to us and the will that 434 00:24:17,080 --> 00:24:20,960 supersedes it. Yeah, the beneficiary I see, 435 00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:22,920 like those things weren't changed. 436 00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:24,480 Those things match. The will. 437 00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:26,320 Exactly. Exactly. 438 00:24:26,320 --> 00:24:28,720 So his life insurance went to his children. 439 00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:30,600 Or did some of it go to the ex-wife? 440 00:24:30,600 --> 00:24:31,960 Most of it went to his child support. 441 00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:35,080 Most of it went to his sister. There's some sort of rule that 442 00:24:35,080 --> 00:24:38,040 if you're divorced and they're listed as a beneficiary that 443 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:42,640 they will, they will wipe that clean just because you're 444 00:24:42,640 --> 00:24:44,840 divorced. But then if there's a secondary, 445 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,000 that's where it goes. OK. 446 00:24:47,440 --> 00:24:51,360 So in the will you were supposed to get the life insurance, but 447 00:24:51,360 --> 00:24:54,800 then these other documents? The assets, the assets would 448 00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:58,360 have been in the estate, yes. OK, interesting. 449 00:24:58,360 --> 00:24:59,080 So. Here you are. 450 00:24:59,080 --> 00:25:01,960 Were you responsible for the cost of the funeral and yet you 451 00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:05,040 weren't getting any money that would help offset those costs? 452 00:25:05,520 --> 00:25:09,200 Because funerals are expensive. The memorial was was expensive. 453 00:25:09,200 --> 00:25:15,440 I got reimbursed by some of it, by his executor, so and then the 454 00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:19,480 estate got sued for things like extra child support and other 455 00:25:19,480 --> 00:25:22,760 things that I'm not super Privy to, so I'd I'd hesitate to talk 456 00:25:22,760 --> 00:25:26,040 too much about them. But yes, there were. 457 00:25:26,360 --> 00:25:29,360 There were several lawsuits threatened, attorneys involved. 458 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:32,720 But you didn't have an attorney for yourself. 459 00:25:32,880 --> 00:25:35,560 I didn't. Well, that costs money too, to 460 00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:37,600 have one represent you, our and I. 461 00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:40,000 Wouldn't have. I would have, but it was 462 00:25:40,000 --> 00:25:43,440 important to me, especially since apparently the sister 463 00:25:43,440 --> 00:25:45,320 never liked me, which I didn't know. 464 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:46,920 I wish I would have known that ahead of time. 465 00:25:47,160 --> 00:25:49,240 You know, we visit her, we just visited her. 466 00:25:49,640 --> 00:25:52,960 And over Thanksgiving, you know well. 467 00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:54,920 Who told you that she didn't like you? 468 00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:57,760 Or is it just the way you were treated after the fact that? 469 00:25:57,840 --> 00:25:58,920 She told me feel. That way. 470 00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:03,320 Oh wow, that's horrible. Yeah, yeah. 471 00:26:03,840 --> 00:26:06,400 So you don't have a relationship with her, I assume now? 472 00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:07,600 No. So where? 473 00:26:07,640 --> 00:26:09,240 Where? Does his family live? 474 00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:11,080 Are they? In the Bay Area. 475 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:13,000 Oh, OK. But the kids you have a 476 00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:16,560 relationship with? And that's why I didn't hire an 477 00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:20,000 attorney because there was all this contention and it would be, 478 00:26:20,000 --> 00:26:24,400 it would have been important to Andrew for me maintain a 479 00:26:24,400 --> 00:26:26,960 relationship with the children. Yes, sure. 480 00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:29,120 Yeah. Well, that speaks volumes too 481 00:26:29,120 --> 00:26:32,760 about your the true relationship that was going on in that 482 00:26:32,760 --> 00:26:36,120 household, that they, even after their father's death, still have 483 00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:37,600 a relationship with you. Yeah. 484 00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:41,640 Yeah, so did they go back with their mom full time? 485 00:26:41,640 --> 00:26:45,320 They never they never I, I yeah, I had to clean out the rooms, 486 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,080 pack their boxes for. So it's more than, I mean the 487 00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:53,760 loss of your partner, but this whole family and life just like 488 00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:57,200 ours was completely. Yeah. 489 00:26:57,560 --> 00:27:00,600 Torn apart. And like your kids and his kids 490 00:27:00,600 --> 00:27:03,480 were by then like siblings sounded. 491 00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:06,480 Like the the two boys were super close. 492 00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:08,680 They used to go riding bikes, they used to go mountain biking 493 00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:11,160 together, so. And one of them's really big 494 00:27:11,160 --> 00:27:13,000 into music. Your son is really big into 495 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:13,760 music. And what did? 496 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:16,800 Wasn't that some sort of bonding between the kids, too? 497 00:27:16,800 --> 00:27:18,920 Yeah, they were. They were all musical. 498 00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:21,640 Yeah, absolutely. They never saw each other again. 499 00:27:22,640 --> 00:27:25,040 So the kids, we've seen them. OK, we've. 500 00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:26,520 Seen them? They just didn't. 501 00:27:27,120 --> 00:27:28,520 They never came back to the house. 502 00:27:28,680 --> 00:27:29,840 They never came back to the house. 503 00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:31,720 But. You didn't have much tension 504 00:27:31,720 --> 00:27:34,760 with his ex-wife, though. Not at the time, no. 505 00:27:35,360 --> 00:27:37,880 Not at the time. So it was more the sister that 506 00:27:37,880 --> 00:27:39,800 kind of came into play right after, yeah. 507 00:27:40,080 --> 00:27:41,840 But things sour. I was trying to call the shop 508 00:27:41,920 --> 00:27:47,200 with the X afterwards so so that that made it hard. 509 00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:52,400 So everyone's kind of spiraling in their own grief and not 510 00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:58,000 really thinking about what Andrew would have wanted, and 511 00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:03,160 you are the only person that is trying to maintain that. 512 00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:07,400 I felt like that, you know, especially early on, you know, 513 00:28:07,400 --> 00:28:11,000 but when we did the memorial, Madeline, his ex and I, we 514 00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:12,960 worked together to do the planning. 515 00:28:14,720 --> 00:28:17,160 You know, we we didn't have any contention. 516 00:28:17,160 --> 00:28:19,800 It wasn't until later on. So I don't know if the the 517 00:28:19,800 --> 00:28:24,840 sister I think got to got to his house. 518 00:28:24,840 --> 00:28:30,800 That was 2000. 17/18/2018. And now how? 519 00:28:31,120 --> 00:28:36,000 How are you doing or how is what is your life look like and how 520 00:28:36,000 --> 00:28:40,480 is Andrew still a part of it? Well, I I finally got rid of his 521 00:28:40,480 --> 00:28:42,680 bikes. I finally donated those. 522 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:45,120 But I just did that last month. Yeah. 523 00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:48,960 You know, I had a hard time touching anything in the house. 524 00:28:49,960 --> 00:28:50,800 Yeah. There's no. 525 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:54,520 Timeline for any of that? And you know, people say, well 526 00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:57,200 that's not healthy and I was like, this is what I need. 527 00:28:57,200 --> 00:28:59,080 What do they know? What do they know? 528 00:28:59,080 --> 00:29:01,200 Do it, I've found. Because, yeah, I mean, there's 529 00:29:01,200 --> 00:29:05,200 things I still haven't been able to, but like, I would do it like 530 00:29:05,200 --> 00:29:09,840 in little bits and pieces. You know, you break it down and 531 00:29:09,840 --> 00:29:11,840 you do what you can and you fall apart. 532 00:29:11,840 --> 00:29:14,440 You donate the bikes, you fall apart for a few days and then 533 00:29:14,960 --> 00:29:17,080 you don't do anything for a while like you've done that 534 00:29:17,080 --> 00:29:19,640 piece and then you move on and then when you're ready, you'll 535 00:29:19,640 --> 00:29:21,760 do another little piece. And if you kept his bikes 536 00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:23,440 forever? Who cares? 537 00:29:23,760 --> 00:29:25,680 That's fine if it brings you comfort. 538 00:29:25,680 --> 00:29:27,360 Well it wasn't it's important to me. 539 00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:30,920 You know I I'm like OK you know how is he just going to go to 540 00:29:30,920 --> 00:29:33,920 the best use right. Like how can I make something 541 00:29:34,160 --> 00:29:37,920 make lemonade out of lemons let's and so and so I think I 542 00:29:37,920 --> 00:29:41,960 got really stuck on that and and I was having a hard time like 543 00:29:41,960 --> 00:29:44,960 what's the perfect place and sure you know I. 544 00:29:44,960 --> 00:29:47,040 Have to say something that I saw the other day because we just 545 00:29:47,040 --> 00:29:50,280 became friends recently and then we just friended each other on 546 00:29:50,280 --> 00:29:54,080 Facebook and literally like 2 down because I'm like, oh, I'd 547 00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:56,160 love to know more about her because we just met. 548 00:29:57,480 --> 00:30:01,560 I love the little bags of treats that you created. 549 00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:02,720 You'll have to tell them that story. 550 00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:05,720 I just thought, this speaks to your heart, and I love that 551 00:30:05,720 --> 00:30:07,200 because it's not been easy for you. 552 00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:10,640 But you found some way to channel goodness even though 553 00:30:10,640 --> 00:30:11,760 things have been really hard for you. 554 00:30:11,760 --> 00:30:13,640 So tell him about that. Try, you know, because. 555 00:30:13,960 --> 00:30:17,240 Because that's really sort of incompatible with grief. 556 00:30:17,320 --> 00:30:21,120 But I really tried to do that and tried to have gratitude. 557 00:30:21,120 --> 00:30:26,280 And so it was Thanksgiving and the kids weren't coming home and 558 00:30:26,520 --> 00:30:30,480 I was just sad. I was just sad and so and I had 559 00:30:30,480 --> 00:30:33,920 a little, like, meltdown over, like all of Andrew's, like 560 00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:36,000 socks. He had just had gazillions of 561 00:30:36,000 --> 00:30:41,680 them and man and all his stuff sometimes. 562 00:30:41,800 --> 00:30:46,360 Yeah, because because I've got to clean it all out, but which 563 00:30:46,360 --> 00:30:48,520 isn't, which isn't really right either. 564 00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:51,920 But I decided to to make some bags for the homeless. 565 00:30:52,040 --> 00:30:55,040 I had some Mandarin oranges that I was never going to eat the 566 00:30:55,040 --> 00:30:58,680 whole 5 LB bag of. Nobody ever used the whole 5000. 567 00:30:59,040 --> 00:31:01,600 Exactly. We had the leftover Halloween 568 00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:04,240 candy and then I was like, if it's going to get cold, I was 569 00:31:04,560 --> 00:31:08,280 putting socks in these bags. Yeah, and they were cute and 570 00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:11,240 they were individually little inspirational. 571 00:31:11,240 --> 00:31:13,720 With little nice notes on. Them and I like, what a 572 00:31:13,720 --> 00:31:18,000 beautiful way to take something so hard and do something for 573 00:31:18,000 --> 00:31:20,480 someone else. That's really it has to help a 574 00:31:20,480 --> 00:31:21,880 little bit. It does help. 575 00:31:22,320 --> 00:31:24,840 It really does help a lot. We did this when the kids were 576 00:31:24,920 --> 00:31:28,800 the kids were younger and I remember, you know, my youngest 577 00:31:28,800 --> 00:31:32,960 was just learning how to spell, but he he, he wrote on the 578 00:31:32,960 --> 00:31:35,200 outside of the bag. This is the inspirational thing. 579 00:31:35,400 --> 00:31:42,160 We will pray PROEI. I hope not. 580 00:31:43,400 --> 00:31:48,360 Oh dear, that's so cute. I'm a big believer in our people 581 00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:52,880 are still close to us and trying to help us navigate and support 582 00:31:52,880 --> 00:31:56,400 us and sending us signs or or feelings. 583 00:31:56,400 --> 00:32:01,120 Do you have any moments like that where you feel Andrew is 584 00:32:01,160 --> 00:32:03,640 near you? You know, I was really upset 585 00:32:03,640 --> 00:32:07,240 because a lot for a long time afterward, like, I would go 586 00:32:07,320 --> 00:32:09,480 right on the trail. Like, look at like, where are 587 00:32:09,480 --> 00:32:12,160 you, Andrew? Sometimes, sometimes talking out 588 00:32:12,160 --> 00:32:17,440 loud to myself, where are you? But I think I was just too much 589 00:32:17,440 --> 00:32:23,040 in a in a state of loss to even recognize it. 590 00:32:23,440 --> 00:32:28,240 But yeah, I I certainly do. And I feel closest to him when 591 00:32:28,240 --> 00:32:31,440 we're outside, when we're hiking or you know, doing some of the 592 00:32:31,440 --> 00:32:32,920 things that we love to do together. 593 00:32:32,920 --> 00:32:37,120 So I gave his sister a third of his ashes, his ex-wife a third 594 00:32:37,120 --> 00:32:40,360 of his ashes. I kept a third of his ashes and 595 00:32:40,360 --> 00:32:43,240 and I made these little jars. It's got a little picture on 596 00:32:43,240 --> 00:32:44,240 him. It looks like a little party 597 00:32:44,240 --> 00:32:47,640 favor, but I I take, they take the little jar with me. 598 00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:50,920 And so when we go someplace that we love, that's. 599 00:32:50,920 --> 00:32:53,840 A great idea, yeah. That we love to go or someplace 600 00:32:53,840 --> 00:32:55,480 he would have been. Right. 601 00:32:56,680 --> 00:32:57,920 Yeah. Is that with your kids? 602 00:32:57,920 --> 00:33:00,560 Like, how are your kids? What was their journey like? 603 00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:02,680 Because it wasn't like their dad, right. 604 00:33:02,680 --> 00:33:06,040 But they kind of, yeah, Adopted him as your son. 605 00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:08,600 Said it was something the musician's son. 606 00:33:09,120 --> 00:33:11,320 I wish I could remember what it was, but he said that's how I 607 00:33:11,320 --> 00:33:13,840 want to keep living because apparently Andrew was like a 608 00:33:13,840 --> 00:33:17,200 super positive, never met a stranger type and that was a 609 00:33:17,200 --> 00:33:19,360 little daunting for you. Social for me? 610 00:33:20,240 --> 00:33:21,640 Because you're a little more introverted. 611 00:33:21,800 --> 00:33:23,560 I definitely am. Do you remember what? 612 00:33:23,560 --> 00:33:25,480 Quote I'm talking about. I'm going to have to look that 613 00:33:25,480 --> 00:33:26,720 up. That's bugging me now, but I 614 00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:29,280 thought, wow, that's the name of the podcast right there because 615 00:33:29,280 --> 00:33:33,040 it was so beautiful and I think he wrote some songs during that 616 00:33:33,040 --> 00:33:35,560 time frame, didn't he? Yeah, yeah, He's a music 617 00:33:35,560 --> 00:33:38,600 composition major, so he'll graduate this year. 618 00:33:38,600 --> 00:33:43,680 But you know, especially Ethan, because he stayed, he lived at 619 00:33:43,680 --> 00:33:49,040 home, and I used to have a job where I traveled several nights 620 00:33:49,040 --> 00:33:52,840 a week for work, and so he'd spend the evenings with Andrew 621 00:33:52,840 --> 00:33:54,520 alone. Even when the kids weren't 622 00:33:54,520 --> 00:33:59,840 there, they were really close. It's just hard for you about 623 00:33:59,840 --> 00:34:03,000 them, what they're missing as well as you, right? 624 00:34:03,160 --> 00:34:07,560 And not acknowledged, right. I was barely keeping myself 625 00:34:07,560 --> 00:34:12,960 together, you know, I was a mess and I had to go back to work, 626 00:34:14,520 --> 00:34:17,800 you know, his counselor at school had to call. 627 00:34:17,800 --> 00:34:21,600 And this was weeks afterwards. And and she said, I think, I 628 00:34:22,440 --> 00:34:26,040 think Ethan's grievy. He hadn't stopped to recognize, 629 00:34:26,679 --> 00:34:29,560 you know how much he lost. Right. 630 00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:34,320 Because you know, and he's. Also like watching, he's going 631 00:34:34,320 --> 00:34:37,239 through so much pain and that has had to be so hard. 632 00:34:37,239 --> 00:34:40,159 Oh, I'm sure. Yeah, I I will tell you when we 633 00:34:40,159 --> 00:34:43,840 went to the the memorial at the synagogue, because you have to 634 00:34:43,840 --> 00:34:46,120 have it really quickly afterwards, by the Jewish 635 00:34:46,120 --> 00:34:51,280 tradition, I was, I was a mess and my my son came and, you 636 00:34:51,280 --> 00:34:54,400 know, got all the tickets and took care of the EB Airbnb. 637 00:34:54,520 --> 00:34:57,600 My older son took care of everything because I just wasn't 638 00:34:57,680 --> 00:35:00,240 capable, you know, I've. I was still carrying all the 639 00:35:00,240 --> 00:35:04,200 cards he he gave me around, so yeah. 640 00:35:04,800 --> 00:35:08,640 What you just said is so true. The acknowledgement part, you're 641 00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:11,720 you didn't have I said compassion earlier, but that was 642 00:35:11,720 --> 00:35:14,080 wrong. It's this acknowledgement of 643 00:35:14,080 --> 00:35:18,280 your loss, the acknowledgement of your children's loss. 644 00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:21,880 And I would think in a perfect world that you would be 645 00:35:21,880 --> 00:35:27,800 receiving that from his family because they knew who you were 646 00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:29,720 to him. And they were too busy fighting 647 00:35:29,720 --> 00:35:32,400 about who I was. And the thing about it is, is 648 00:35:32,400 --> 00:35:35,840 all it really matters is who you were to his thoughts, not 649 00:35:35,840 --> 00:35:37,960 theirs. Absolutely. 650 00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:40,440 Well, you're definitely not alone, because the person who 651 00:35:40,440 --> 00:35:45,080 wrote in, and all of us read it that she apparently it was not 652 00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:48,280 easy after the death of her partner as well. 653 00:35:48,440 --> 00:35:50,720 How? How has your healing been? 654 00:35:50,720 --> 00:35:54,560 Because in a way, I feel like part of my healing came from 655 00:35:54,560 --> 00:35:59,280 getting that acknowledgement. So how are you finding healing? 656 00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:03,680 So I guess I was able to sort of separate the people who said I 657 00:36:03,680 --> 00:36:07,040 wasn't from the people who who did acknowledge it. 658 00:36:07,280 --> 00:36:10,040 I still check the widow box. If there's a widow box I'm 659 00:36:10,040 --> 00:36:11,440 checking, yeah. Yeah. 660 00:36:12,600 --> 00:36:14,520 Check it. And you have you still are 661 00:36:14,520 --> 00:36:17,000 friends with all of the cycling buddies, I assume? 662 00:36:17,040 --> 00:36:21,920 Yes, just a matter of fact, Andrew had done a big gravel 663 00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:26,480 ride in Idaho with one of his best friends from middle school 664 00:36:27,120 --> 00:36:30,960 and the year after I went and did the bike ride. 665 00:36:32,840 --> 00:36:33,920 That's. Very cool. 666 00:36:34,160 --> 00:36:39,600 But it's really hard too because that community is screaming as 667 00:36:39,600 --> 00:36:43,720 well and so, so every time you show up you're a reminder of 668 00:36:43,720 --> 00:36:45,920 that. And these are people that don't 669 00:36:45,920 --> 00:36:50,320 have to be in my position on a day-to-day basis, right? 670 00:36:50,880 --> 00:36:54,400 I think it may be hard to be around because because everyone 671 00:36:54,400 --> 00:36:56,520 has, you know, felt so much loss. 672 00:36:56,800 --> 00:36:59,760 Right. No, I do feel that the even with 673 00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:03,400 us, like the people who even my husband's parents, they weren't 674 00:37:03,400 --> 00:37:07,680 living with him every day. They weren't sitting in that 675 00:37:07,680 --> 00:37:11,400 house after he died. Not that they weren't thinking 676 00:37:11,400 --> 00:37:14,560 about their loss, they were, but it was a little bit. 677 00:37:14,560 --> 00:37:18,720 They got a little reprieve. Not being in that world. 678 00:37:18,720 --> 00:37:20,400 Every single. Day in the middle of. 679 00:37:20,480 --> 00:37:24,480 It exactly in the same house, and the same bed, and the same 680 00:37:24,480 --> 00:37:27,000 cars, and the same and and and the same. 681 00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:28,520 Socks. Yeah, the same socks. 682 00:37:28,840 --> 00:37:31,160 You don't get, you don't get time off from that, right? 683 00:37:31,280 --> 00:37:32,520 Right. You don't. 684 00:37:32,920 --> 00:37:35,920 Well, I just am so grateful that you came in today. 685 00:37:36,080 --> 00:37:38,680 This is something that people don't consider. 686 00:37:39,080 --> 00:37:43,480 This is going to help other people who haven't experienced 687 00:37:43,480 --> 00:37:47,160 that tragedy. But if, heaven forbid, they do, 688 00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:51,040 they'll be better prepared. I hope that's a take away that 689 00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:55,800 that you know have yourself stuff in order because and and 690 00:37:55,800 --> 00:37:57,480 check it and double check it and. 691 00:37:58,760 --> 00:38:01,880 Enjoy your life together and have all those fun adventures. 692 00:38:02,040 --> 00:38:05,440 Absolutely. I think I'm going to go on 100 693 00:38:05,440 --> 00:38:07,560 mile bike ride. I think, I think I'll. 694 00:38:07,560 --> 00:38:10,080 Watch you I'll cheer you on the. I've been fire. 695 00:38:10,800 --> 00:38:12,440 Thanks again, Shelly. Really. 696 00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:13,080 Really. Thank. 697 00:38:13,160 --> 00:38:14,880 You so much for having me. I really appreciate you.