1 00:00:00,960 --> 00:00:04,200 You found us. I'm so glad you did, But I'm 2 00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:06,760 sorry that you had to. Who are we? 3 00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:11,520 I'll tell you what we're not. We're not old, we're not boring, 4 00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:14,840 and we're not giving up. We're four mothers, all living 5 00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:17,720 in Austin, introduced to each other because we all share a 6 00:00:17,720 --> 00:00:21,760 similar tragedy. Our husbands died unexpectedly 7 00:00:21,760 --> 00:00:25,480 and in the prime of their lives. So come on into our widow circle 8 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:29,160 where trauma meets humor and we remind you that you can not only 9 00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:34,800 survive, but thrive. This is every widow thing. 10 00:00:36,080 --> 00:00:38,440 Come to every widow thing. My name is Whitney. 11 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:43,320 I am going to go into my story of how Hunter died. 12 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:46,000 I want to start with the day before. 13 00:00:46,000 --> 00:00:48,920 It was September 30th. We had just moved to Austin in 14 00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:52,520 July. My cousin and her family lived 15 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:55,160 here. My mom had moved in with us. 16 00:00:55,280 --> 00:00:58,280 My they were coming from Denver and she was going to live with 17 00:00:58,280 --> 00:01:01,480 us for a year just to get acclimated to Austin and figure 18 00:01:01,480 --> 00:01:05,160 out where she wanted to go. So we move here in July. 19 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:11,160 My mom moves in with us and September 30th my cousin and her 20 00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:14,600 husband and Hunter and I went to the beer festival. 21 00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:19,280 And the reason why I wanted to share that is because most of 22 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:24,880 the time Hunter and I were both running in different directions. 23 00:01:25,120 --> 00:01:27,320 He was dealing with the work stuff, I was dealing with the 24 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:29,760 kids stuff. And so we would have a moment in 25 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:33,960 the morning by the coffee machine, a hug and a kiss and 26 00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:35,600 say have a great day or whatever. 27 00:01:35,840 --> 00:01:40,160 And then we would split and do our stuff and then come back 28 00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:42,000 together at night for a quick kiss. 29 00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:46,720 My husband had sleep apnea. Anybody who has ever been 30 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:49,120 around, someone with sleep apnea, you know that sleeping 31 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:53,980 with them is excruciating because of the the snoring. 32 00:01:54,540 --> 00:01:56,820 And so he did not sleep in the bed with me, so he. 33 00:01:56,820 --> 00:01:59,700 Was not a big guy either, no. So thank you Lacey. 34 00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:02,100 He was very fit. He worked out a lot. 35 00:02:02,260 --> 00:02:07,060 It was mild sleep apnea. The Saturday of the 30th, we are 36 00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:11,060 going to the beer festival with my cousin and her husband and it 37 00:02:11,060 --> 00:02:13,860 was a treat because we didn't do a lot like that. 38 00:02:13,860 --> 00:02:16,660 We had only been on one date night since we moved to Austin 39 00:02:16,660 --> 00:02:17,940 because there's just a lot going on. 40 00:02:17,980 --> 00:02:20,900 So we spent the whole day together. 41 00:02:21,260 --> 00:02:25,420 And what's crazy is that that whole day we were holding hands, 42 00:02:25,540 --> 00:02:29,340 we were kissing. We were saying I love you to the 43 00:02:29,340 --> 00:02:32,580 point where, like my cousin was like, what is up with you guys? 44 00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:35,980 This is getting weird because we were sitting down eating lunch 45 00:02:36,220 --> 00:02:40,700 and we were holding hands while we were eating lunch. 46 00:02:41,020 --> 00:02:44,500 We never did that. We just, we really loved each 47 00:02:44,500 --> 00:02:48,340 other that day and it's such a blessing because that was his 48 00:02:48,340 --> 00:02:53,320 last real day on this earth. We go home, my cousin and her 49 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:56,520 husband are are with us and they're laughing because we 50 00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:59,760 always had a Sunday Family Day because now we were around 51 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:01,440 family. We'd never lived around family 52 00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:03,920 before. We were having a Sunday Family 53 00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:06,120 Day. It was October 1st, so we bought 54 00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:08,240 all these pumpkins. We were going to carve pumpkins 55 00:03:08,520 --> 00:03:11,320 and Hunter was joking and saying I'm going to find a way to get 56 00:03:11,320 --> 00:03:15,080 out of it. Well, he did, yeah. 57 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:16,920 He was like, I don't think I'm going to make it. 58 00:03:16,920 --> 00:03:18,560 And we were all laughing. Ha ha ha. 59 00:03:19,810 --> 00:03:26,850 At about 7:00 AM on Sunday, I hear this noise and I can't 60 00:03:26,850 --> 00:03:33,970 really explain it. It was loud and and powerful, 61 00:03:34,090 --> 00:03:38,130 and I thought that Hunter was having a bad dream, which he 62 00:03:38,130 --> 00:03:42,300 would have sometimes. My mom, who's far away on the 63 00:03:42,340 --> 00:03:45,300 other side of the house, she hears it in her room. 64 00:03:45,540 --> 00:03:48,900 She thinks that someone's in the house and hunters fighting them. 65 00:03:48,900 --> 00:03:52,580 She thinks it's like a I, I don't know, a noise that someone 66 00:03:52,580 --> 00:03:56,540 would make during a fight. Like a grunt or a cough or no, 67 00:03:56,620 --> 00:03:59,180 it it's very hard to explain. It was like a whale. 68 00:04:00,220 --> 00:04:04,780 It was like a a loud, powerful whale or something. 69 00:04:04,780 --> 00:04:07,620 I I can't even. I'd never heard anything like 70 00:04:07,620 --> 00:04:09,060 it. I've never heard anything since. 71 00:04:09,060 --> 00:04:13,090 I don't really understand what it was, but it got me it. 72 00:04:13,290 --> 00:04:15,970 I jumped out of bed and I ran down the stairs and I'm 73 00:04:15,970 --> 00:04:17,250 thinking, he's having a bad dream. 74 00:04:17,769 --> 00:04:20,649 So I'm running down the stairs. My mom's running from the other 75 00:04:20,649 --> 00:04:24,890 side of the house and we both get in there and Hunter's laying 76 00:04:25,050 --> 00:04:28,570 on the couch. And so my mom's standing up and 77 00:04:28,570 --> 00:04:31,570 I'm sitting on the couch and I'm just like, patting him and 78 00:04:31,570 --> 00:04:33,810 saying you're okay, you know, you just had a bad dream. 79 00:04:33,810 --> 00:04:36,290 You're all right. And my mom realizes that, oh, 80 00:04:36,290 --> 00:04:38,730 this is a little awkward, that I'm still standing here. 81 00:04:39,730 --> 00:04:43,330 So she goes back to her bedroom and I'm sitting there and, you 82 00:04:43,330 --> 00:04:46,170 know, we've talked about this time kind of stands still. 83 00:04:46,170 --> 00:04:51,210 You're not really sure if it was 5 minutes or five seconds, but 84 00:04:51,450 --> 00:04:53,890 my brain was kind of starting to process stuff. 85 00:04:53,890 --> 00:04:56,050 So I'm sitting there. And because my husband had sleep 86 00:04:56,050 --> 00:04:59,330 apnea, he didn't get good sleep. He did not wear a CPAP machine. 87 00:04:59,330 --> 00:05:02,350 He had one, but he did not wear it because it was uncomfortable, 88 00:05:02,350 --> 00:05:04,870 which is the reason that a lot of people use for not wearing 89 00:05:04,870 --> 00:05:06,550 it. So he didn't get good sleep. 90 00:05:06,550 --> 00:05:11,030 So I'm sitting there and I'm like, oh, he said he's still in 91 00:05:11,030 --> 00:05:15,150 such a deep sleep. I hate to wake him up, but 92 00:05:15,310 --> 00:05:18,750 everyone's about to get up. And so my brain is thinking like 93 00:05:18,750 --> 00:05:21,790 that and I'm like, OK. You're in practical mode. 94 00:05:21,790 --> 00:05:23,910 Yeah, I'm in practical mode. I'm like, wow, he's in a really 95 00:05:23,910 --> 00:05:26,470 deep sleep. And then it starts to dawn on me 96 00:05:26,470 --> 00:05:31,620 that he's literally hasn't responded at all to anything. 97 00:05:31,780 --> 00:05:35,860 I'm like, wait, is he breathing? And I and I lean down and I 98 00:05:35,860 --> 00:05:38,660 can't tell cuz now your adrenaline starts going and I'm 99 00:05:38,660 --> 00:05:42,020 like, is that my heart? I'm hearing, Is it his heart I'm 100 00:05:42,020 --> 00:05:43,740 hearing? I don't know what's going on. 101 00:05:44,060 --> 00:05:47,100 And it it starts to dawn on me that this is a problem. 102 00:05:47,540 --> 00:05:51,700 And I start yelling for my mom. And my mom comes running in and 103 00:05:51,700 --> 00:05:55,820 I have the phone. We still had a landline and I 104 00:05:55,820 --> 00:06:02,130 have the phone and I'm trying to dial 911 and my fingers won't do 105 00:06:02,290 --> 00:06:06,890 the full 911, which is crazy because 911 is easy. 106 00:06:07,570 --> 00:06:11,970 But I literally was doing like 991 and then I'd have to hang up 107 00:06:11,970 --> 00:06:15,730 and then it it took me like three tries to get 911. 108 00:06:15,730 --> 00:06:19,850 In the meantime, my mom is trying to start CPR. 109 00:06:20,450 --> 00:06:24,370 So and we're and we're doing the, the CPR stuff. 110 00:06:24,970 --> 00:06:30,010 And I remember telling her to be quiet because the sound is going 111 00:06:30,010 --> 00:06:36,290 upstairs to my kids and I didn't want them to hear all of what 112 00:06:36,290 --> 00:06:39,730 was happening down here. And I'm straddling Hunter, 113 00:06:39,730 --> 00:06:43,690 trying to give him CPR and the fire department comes in, they 114 00:06:43,690 --> 00:06:47,250 come in, they take over. My mom and I stepped to the 115 00:06:47,250 --> 00:06:50,930 side. A police officer shows up and so 116 00:06:50,930 --> 00:06:53,330 we're in the corner. We're praying. 117 00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:54,530 My mom's like, do you want to pray? 118 00:06:54,530 --> 00:07:00,040 I said yes, they get his heart started again and then they lose 119 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:02,960 it. So at this point they've been 120 00:07:02,960 --> 00:07:07,320 there for like 20 minutes. And I said when do you call it? 121 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:12,240 When do you call it? And they said it's 30 minutes, 122 00:07:12,240 --> 00:07:16,800 but it starts over every time the heart starts back up. 123 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:19,840 So they got his heart started, then they lost it. 124 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:23,390 But the 30 minutes starts over. I can't really remember. 125 00:07:23,390 --> 00:07:28,270 I I don't know exactly how long they were there, but they got 126 00:07:28,270 --> 00:07:33,150 his heart started again. And I remember saying to the EMT 127 00:07:33,150 --> 00:07:36,430 guy, Oh my gosh, thank you, you've saved his life. 128 00:07:36,430 --> 00:07:40,350 Thank you so much. And he said he's very, very 129 00:07:40,350 --> 00:07:42,350 sick. I just need you to know he's 130 00:07:42,350 --> 00:07:46,180 very, very sick. They take him in an ambulance. 131 00:07:46,180 --> 00:07:49,540 And another little, not an ambulance, but an emergency 132 00:07:49,540 --> 00:07:53,260 vehicle was also there. And they drove me to the 133 00:07:53,260 --> 00:07:56,060 hospital and my mom stayed behind with the kids. 134 00:07:56,540 --> 00:08:01,700 And I remember being in the emergency vehicle and thinking, 135 00:08:02,740 --> 00:08:05,020 what do I do? Like, what am I, what am I? 136 00:08:05,380 --> 00:08:07,140 What do I do? Who do I call? 137 00:08:07,140 --> 00:08:10,660 Who do I call? Because it's, you know, 8:00 AM 138 00:08:10,660 --> 00:08:12,740 my time. But all my friends are 139 00:08:12,740 --> 00:08:16,910 California, so it's 6:00 AM their time. 140 00:08:16,910 --> 00:08:19,070 So I'm like, I can't call any of them and what are they going to 141 00:08:19,070 --> 00:08:20,430 do? But my one of my very best 142 00:08:20,430 --> 00:08:24,030 friends is an ER doctor. So I was like, what do I do? 143 00:08:24,030 --> 00:08:28,270 And I remembered, and this was another blessing for me, one of 144 00:08:28,270 --> 00:08:32,669 our great friends and family friends, her parents were best 145 00:08:32,669 --> 00:08:35,510 friends with Hunter's parents. She was in town because her 146 00:08:35,510 --> 00:08:38,590 daughter goes to UT Her mom was also in town. 147 00:08:39,070 --> 00:08:43,580 So I called her and I said Hunter's going to the emergency 148 00:08:43,580 --> 00:08:45,580 room. You know, I don't really know 149 00:08:45,580 --> 00:08:47,180 what happened. He wasn't breathing blah, blah, 150 00:08:47,180 --> 00:08:49,180 blah. And she goes, I'll I'll be right 151 00:08:49,180 --> 00:08:53,060 there. So Hunter's best friends, his 152 00:08:53,060 --> 00:08:58,300 parents best friends were at the hospital and and and this girl, 153 00:08:58,300 --> 00:09:02,300 Kathy, she was, she was there. So she showed up with a notebook 154 00:09:02,780 --> 00:09:05,660 and a pen and she just started taking notes. 155 00:09:05,740 --> 00:09:08,460 And I'm sitting in a room and the doctor, I did call my 156 00:09:08,460 --> 00:09:13,110 friend, my er, doctor friend, and she was on the phone when 157 00:09:13,110 --> 00:09:17,150 the doctor came in to talk to me about what's what's going on. 158 00:09:17,790 --> 00:09:21,750 It's all doctor speak and you don't really understand what 159 00:09:21,750 --> 00:09:23,430 he's saying. And so I've got my friend 160 00:09:23,430 --> 00:09:26,030 Angelique on the phone and she's listening. 161 00:09:26,030 --> 00:09:27,870 And my friend Kathy is taking notes. 162 00:09:28,590 --> 00:09:31,550 And the doctor leaves the room. And I and I get back on the 163 00:09:31,550 --> 00:09:35,150 phone with my friend and I walk outside and I go, I don't know 164 00:09:35,150 --> 00:09:37,510 what what he's saying. Like, what is he saying? 165 00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:41,600 And she kind of ran through it. And I go, just tell me what the 166 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:44,040 bottom line is. Is he going to live? 167 00:09:44,040 --> 00:09:47,920 And she said, as a doctor, I will tell you he's not leaving 168 00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:52,440 the hospital. As your friend, I say, you never 169 00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:54,480 know what's going to happen and you don't give up. 170 00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:57,760 And so I was like okay. So that was on a Sunday. 171 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:03,520 So I already had it in my mind that he might not make it. 172 00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:09,120 The family friend Kathy, she called Hunter's parents and told 173 00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:13,240 them they were living in New Mexico, and she called them and 174 00:10:13,240 --> 00:10:15,280 told them they couldn't get a flight out. 175 00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:18,200 So they started to drive, which is like 12 hours. 176 00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:20,400 Yeah. Little interesting fact. 177 00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:26,040 That morning Hunter's mom woke up and she had this weird desire 178 00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:29,680 to make beignets. That was Hunter's favorite thing 179 00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:33,240 was beignets, and she had this weird feeling to make beignets. 180 00:10:33,240 --> 00:10:35,920 So she had just finished making beignets when they got the phone 181 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:39,170 call and they left. And I don't remember where 182 00:10:39,170 --> 00:10:41,530 Hunter's brother was. I think he was in LA and he's 183 00:10:41,530 --> 00:10:44,730 flying in. Hunter had a very core group of 184 00:10:44,730 --> 00:10:47,770 friends since high school and middle school, and he grew up in 185 00:10:47,770 --> 00:10:52,450 College Station. So there was this small band of 186 00:10:52,450 --> 00:10:57,130 brothers who drove in that day and stayed with me in the 187 00:10:57,130 --> 00:10:59,570 hospital the whole week. So. 188 00:10:59,570 --> 00:11:00,730 He was in the hospital for a week. 189 00:11:00,730 --> 00:11:04,490 So what happened was yes, he went into the hospital on the 190 00:11:04,490 --> 00:11:09,710 1st, he died on the 5th. And what happened was when he 191 00:11:09,710 --> 00:11:12,910 got to the hospital, his brain was swelling. 192 00:11:13,550 --> 00:11:17,950 What I found out later was something had to happen earlier 193 00:11:17,950 --> 00:11:21,390 in the night. Like it wasn't like he was dead 194 00:11:21,390 --> 00:11:24,110 when I came down. Obviously he made this noise, 195 00:11:24,110 --> 00:11:27,710 which in my mind I'm like I got to be with him and comforting 196 00:11:27,710 --> 00:11:35,340 him when he was leaving, you know, but his brain had been 197 00:11:35,500 --> 00:11:39,340 damaged somehow during the night, didn't get enough oxygen, 198 00:11:39,460 --> 00:11:44,820 so it was already swelling. So what they do is they take you 199 00:11:44,820 --> 00:11:49,340 down, take your body down to like a hypothermia type stage. 200 00:11:49,820 --> 00:11:51,660 Is that what all they did with Oliver? 201 00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:54,900 Sorry in a coma but came out for maybe a split second. 202 00:11:54,900 --> 00:11:57,980 They do that to to save the brain for sure. 203 00:11:58,420 --> 00:12:01,640 Exactly. So they do that because they 204 00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:05,920 hope that they can stop the brain damage and then and then 205 00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:09,680 save the brain. On Sunday, they're trying to get 206 00:12:09,680 --> 00:12:12,160 him stable. He went into cardiac, he he, he 207 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:15,240 went into cardiac arrest on Sunday again in the hospital. 208 00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:19,400 Now none of this is really registering with me. 209 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:23,600 Like, he's literally died three Times Now and they brought him 210 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:25,480 back, right? But that's not registering with 211 00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:27,780 me. During any of this time, has he 212 00:12:27,780 --> 00:12:29,340 been able to speak at all? No. 213 00:12:30,140 --> 00:12:33,740 He unconscious or they had him? No, he was unconscious. 214 00:12:33,740 --> 00:12:36,420 He was unconscious. When I saw him at 7:00 AM, he 215 00:12:36,420 --> 00:12:40,020 never regained consciousness. So similar to Oliver. 216 00:12:41,100 --> 00:12:43,500 So they decided we're going to, we're going to do this thing 217 00:12:43,500 --> 00:12:46,900 where they we cool him down and hopefully it keeps the brain 218 00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:50,220 from swelling and then it'll take 24 hours to warm him back 219 00:12:50,220 --> 00:12:52,900 up. And then we'll do a scan and see 220 00:12:52,900 --> 00:12:57,990 where we are, Okay. So I go home on Sunday night 221 00:12:57,990 --> 00:13:00,950 because I I, you know, the kids have just started school and 222 00:13:00,950 --> 00:13:04,190 stuff and I didn't want to not be there. 223 00:13:04,190 --> 00:13:08,550 So I go home and I just said dad's in the hospital and little 224 00:13:08,550 --> 00:13:12,310 kids, I mean, they're just thinking he's sitting up and in 225 00:13:12,310 --> 00:13:15,390 a hospital bed and talking like they don't, they don't know what 226 00:13:15,390 --> 00:13:17,430 it means, right? Ask why? 227 00:13:17,550 --> 00:13:23,400 I mean, no, they heard a little bit of us that morning, but I I 228 00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:27,320 have never talked to them about what they actually thought was 229 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:30,520 going on. I know that they heard us 230 00:13:30,520 --> 00:13:33,920 counting and one kid tried to come downstairs and I said get 231 00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:37,160 back upstairs. But I think once they got him 232 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:39,480 to, once he was in the hospital, they thought, oh, he's going to 233 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:41,120 be fine. That's what a hospital does, 234 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:41,840 right? They got. 235 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:43,520 Him in and yeah, I'm going to fix him. 236 00:13:43,800 --> 00:13:46,720 So I go home. They're like, where's Dad? 237 00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:50,280 They think he's just going to come And I go, you know, Dad is 238 00:13:50,280 --> 00:13:53,010 in the hospital. I remember they were out on the 239 00:13:53,010 --> 00:13:54,410 trampoline. So I had to walk out to the 240 00:13:54,410 --> 00:13:56,250 trampoline and they're having fun. 241 00:13:56,250 --> 00:13:57,250 You know, the boys are out there. 242 00:13:57,250 --> 00:13:58,450 I don't remember where Sidney was. 243 00:13:58,890 --> 00:14:03,970 And I said Dad's still in the hospital and my youngest said, 244 00:14:03,970 --> 00:14:05,530 but he's going to be okay, right? 245 00:14:05,650 --> 00:14:08,250 And I said I don't know, I don't know. 246 00:14:08,770 --> 00:14:11,050 They're doing the best they can, but I don't really know. 247 00:14:12,690 --> 00:14:15,410 And I turned and I started walking back and I looked back 248 00:14:15,410 --> 00:14:18,210 at them and they were jumping again and laughing. 249 00:14:18,210 --> 00:14:20,810 And I was like, isn't that a gift? 250 00:14:20,930 --> 00:14:22,850 They live in the moment to moment? 251 00:14:22,850 --> 00:14:25,730 So they heard that and they processed a little. 252 00:14:26,010 --> 00:14:28,050 And then they go back to laughing and having fun. 253 00:14:28,050 --> 00:14:31,290 And I was so glad because I didn't want them to be sad. 254 00:14:31,290 --> 00:14:32,890 I mean, but they're going to be sad. 255 00:14:33,570 --> 00:14:38,610 So the next morning I go back to the hospital and and they're 256 00:14:38,610 --> 00:14:41,810 starting to warm him back up. I guess it's a little fuzzy 257 00:14:41,810 --> 00:14:45,930 here, but by this point, Hunter's parents are there, His 258 00:14:45,930 --> 00:14:48,890 brother is there. He's got his longtime friend 259 00:14:48,890 --> 00:14:53,130 group that is there. My youngest sister, who didn't 260 00:14:53,130 --> 00:14:58,690 live in town, she's there. So everybody that loves him and 261 00:14:58,690 --> 00:15:02,490 can get there is there. My California people, I was 262 00:15:02,490 --> 00:15:09,370 texting with them and we went to a Catholic school and they just 263 00:15:09,370 --> 00:15:14,540 started prayer vigils and like it was really touching to see 264 00:15:14,540 --> 00:15:19,420 how this big community of this school came together for us and 265 00:15:19,420 --> 00:15:22,580 they were holding you know space for us. 266 00:15:22,740 --> 00:15:27,260 And then my little core village in California were were together 267 00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:31,940 the whole week at at one of one of their houses and and with me 268 00:15:32,020 --> 00:15:35,020 but just through text and people were like, can we come, can we 269 00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:36,580 come? And I and I told everybody don't 270 00:15:36,580 --> 00:15:38,620 come. Like I couldn't deal with 271 00:15:38,620 --> 00:15:41,620 anything else, right. I was just like, don't come. 272 00:15:42,030 --> 00:15:44,030 And and I don't want to talk to anybody. 273 00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:47,110 And I remember being on Facebook trying to figure out how to shut 274 00:15:47,110 --> 00:15:49,230 down comments. Like, I didn't want anybody to 275 00:15:49,230 --> 00:15:53,830 say anything about anything until I knew what was really 276 00:15:53,830 --> 00:15:56,950 going on. So they're starting to warm him 277 00:15:56,950 --> 00:15:58,390 up. And there are people in the 278 00:15:58,390 --> 00:16:01,350 room, and he's squeezing people's hands. 279 00:16:01,910 --> 00:16:04,310 Like, my sister was like, squeeze my hand and he would 280 00:16:04,310 --> 00:16:08,470 squeeze her hand. And so you're thinking, Oh my 281 00:16:08,470 --> 00:16:13,480 gosh, maybe this is going to be OK And it wasn't random. 282 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:16,720 It was like, squeeze my hand or somebody was telling a joke and 283 00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:20,120 he squeezed the hand at the funny part, you know, or 284 00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:23,440 whatever. Like everybody felt like he was 285 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:26,880 actually coming back. Where his eyes at all moving 286 00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:30,080 underneath when they're closed? Well, because I didn't happen. 287 00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:32,880 To their eyebrows moved. Yes. 288 00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:35,680 Or like, yeah. His eyes were closed. 289 00:16:35,880 --> 00:16:39,780 I just remember that the squeezing of the hands gave us 290 00:16:39,780 --> 00:16:43,740 all hope and I remember Hunter's parents saying something like, 291 00:16:43,980 --> 00:16:46,060 well, this is going to be a lesson for him. 292 00:16:46,060 --> 00:16:48,260 Finally he's going to take care of himself. 293 00:16:48,580 --> 00:16:52,380 So I go home Monday night and and one of the things that I 294 00:16:52,420 --> 00:16:55,340 made sure wasn't he was never alone in the room. 295 00:16:55,580 --> 00:16:58,300 I'll take a night, you guys take a night. 296 00:16:58,300 --> 00:17:00,740 But he, I never want him to be by himself. 297 00:17:01,260 --> 00:17:03,620 But I also wanted to have that. I wanted to go home and have 298 00:17:03,620 --> 00:17:05,780 dinner with the kids and I wanted to put them to bed. 299 00:17:05,780 --> 00:17:11,010 I wanted to have some normalcy. So on Monday night I go back to 300 00:17:11,010 --> 00:17:15,250 the kids and I'm like, I think it's, I think it's okay. 301 00:17:15,329 --> 00:17:17,010 Like I told them, I think it's okay. 302 00:17:17,010 --> 00:17:21,089 I daddy's squeezing hands. But again, they didn't know much 303 00:17:21,089 --> 00:17:23,930 of they didn't know that he had been in a coma or anything. 304 00:17:23,930 --> 00:17:27,130 They didn't know much, but I was like, I feel really good, you 305 00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:29,010 know about it. The doctors are working hard, 306 00:17:29,010 --> 00:17:31,970 Daddy's working hard and I feel really good. 307 00:17:32,490 --> 00:17:36,130 And the next day I was driving to the hospital and I'm talking 308 00:17:36,130 --> 00:17:39,610 to one of the partners that he was very close with on the drive 309 00:17:39,610 --> 00:17:43,490 in to the hospital. And I'm like, I feel really good 310 00:17:43,690 --> 00:17:46,890 about it. He was, he was squeezing hands. 311 00:17:46,890 --> 00:17:50,890 And I don't know how long it's going to take or if or what he's 312 00:17:50,890 --> 00:17:54,690 going to be like, but I think I feel really good. 313 00:17:55,050 --> 00:17:59,910 And then I go in to the hospital and we're standing around his 314 00:17:59,910 --> 00:18:04,430 bed and a doctor comes in and says we're going to go check 315 00:18:04,430 --> 00:18:06,430 for. They went and did a scan or 316 00:18:06,430 --> 00:18:08,310 something. I don't know what kind, but to 317 00:18:08,310 --> 00:18:12,310 check for brain activity, they bring him back up and a doctor 318 00:18:12,310 --> 00:18:14,750 just comes in. And Hunter's parents still are 319 00:18:14,750 --> 00:18:17,070 so angry about this. Guess the doctor was just very 320 00:18:17,070 --> 00:18:19,910 matter of fact like there's there's no, there's no brain 321 00:18:19,910 --> 00:18:21,270 activity. He's brain dead. 322 00:18:22,220 --> 00:18:23,780 He's not coming out of this or something. 323 00:18:25,460 --> 00:18:29,380 So how does a brain dead person like squeeze the hands and well, 324 00:18:29,380 --> 00:18:34,460 when he was fully right, so that was in the beginning I think. 325 00:18:23,780 --> 00:18:25,220 I don't. I don't really remember that. 326 00:18:35,060 --> 00:18:37,380 And I never really asked anybody about this. 327 00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:42,580 But I in my own head, what I think is that when the brain was 328 00:18:42,580 --> 00:18:48,220 frozen, the damage wasn't as profound or something. 329 00:18:48,220 --> 00:18:52,100 I don't really know. Or maybe he didn't squeeze hands 330 00:18:52,580 --> 00:18:55,820 the way that people thought. Or maybe and I got mad because 331 00:18:55,820 --> 00:18:58,420 it became like a party trick, like everyone was coming in 332 00:18:58,420 --> 00:18:59,580 trying to get him to squeeze their hands. 333 00:18:59,580 --> 00:19:01,980 And I was like, enough, you know, don't. 334 00:19:02,020 --> 00:19:04,180 We're not. He's not doing tricks. 335 00:19:04,820 --> 00:19:07,220 And then I never asked him to squeeze my hand. 336 00:19:07,220 --> 00:19:11,180 And I regret that now because I was like, why didn't I? 337 00:19:11,180 --> 00:19:13,260 Why didn't he squeeze my hand, you know? 338 00:19:14,370 --> 00:19:16,690 Yeah. So I don't really know exactly 339 00:19:17,170 --> 00:19:18,650 what the deal was. In my mind. 340 00:19:18,650 --> 00:19:22,770 I'm like his brain was on the way to dying, but there was 341 00:19:22,770 --> 00:19:27,850 still some of them, enough left to give a little bit of response 342 00:19:27,850 --> 00:19:31,210 to people I don't really know. I look at it as a blessing 343 00:19:31,610 --> 00:19:36,170 because for me, it was comforting to know he knew we 344 00:19:36,170 --> 00:19:37,690 were there. And I already felt that. 345 00:19:37,690 --> 00:19:41,090 I feel like even if he wasn't in his body, his his soul was 346 00:19:41,090 --> 00:19:42,690 hanging around and he knew we were there. 347 00:19:42,930 --> 00:19:47,410 But to have him squeezing just made it just comforted people, 348 00:19:47,410 --> 00:19:49,850 you know? But it also threw me for a loop 349 00:19:49,850 --> 00:19:52,890 because I thought he was going to go home and then you find out 350 00:19:52,890 --> 00:19:53,810 he's brain dead. His. 351 00:19:53,890 --> 00:19:56,850 Parents. When what are the kids asking? 352 00:19:56,970 --> 00:20:00,170 He's been in the hospital now O K good question. 353 00:20:00,170 --> 00:20:08,770 So I So when I went home on Sunday night, I asked the kids. 354 00:20:09,940 --> 00:20:11,580 Do you want to come up and see him? 355 00:20:11,900 --> 00:20:16,260 And they all said no. And I said that's totally fine. 356 00:20:16,900 --> 00:20:20,300 That is completely your call. And your dad, you don't need to, 357 00:20:20,380 --> 00:20:22,500 you don't need to come up. Your dad knows you love him and 358 00:20:22,980 --> 00:20:26,300 and you don't need to come up. But I said, but if things get, 359 00:20:26,460 --> 00:20:31,140 if things take a turn, I'll let you know or something like that. 360 00:20:31,740 --> 00:20:37,580 So on Tuesday, when I go back up and I know he's brain dead, the 361 00:20:37,580 --> 00:20:41,060 first thing, like I guess what happened was the the doctor says 362 00:20:41,060 --> 00:20:45,460 he's brain dead and then I say he's a, he's a donor, he's a, 363 00:20:45,580 --> 00:20:48,340 he's an organ donor. So what do we do next? 364 00:20:49,220 --> 00:20:53,660 So that prolonged his life because when you're brain dead, 365 00:20:54,140 --> 00:20:58,260 you know, he's on a ventilator. He's not, he's not going to be 366 00:20:58,260 --> 00:21:03,420 able to keep himself alive. So because he was a donor, 367 00:21:03,460 --> 00:21:07,830 they're going to keep him alive until they find people that need 368 00:21:07,830 --> 00:21:10,150 his organs. So I'm like, he's an, he's a 369 00:21:10,150 --> 00:21:13,270 donor. You know what happens next? 370 00:21:13,270 --> 00:21:16,150 And I just kind of went into, I didn't even register. 371 00:21:16,150 --> 00:21:18,750 I didn't even really register. I just wanted to okay. 372 00:21:18,830 --> 00:21:20,950 Well, he's a donor. So now what do we do? 373 00:21:21,110 --> 00:21:24,870 Let's get that going. I was just on like task, task 374 00:21:24,870 --> 00:21:26,990 mode or whatever. Isn't it interesting when you 375 00:21:26,990 --> 00:21:30,630 watch TV shows, the woman always just kind of goes back to the 376 00:21:30,630 --> 00:21:33,910 bedroom and just takes a nap. Everybody handles it, all of us. 377 00:21:33,950 --> 00:21:38,000 I think we're get it done types. There were things. 378 00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:42,080 I will say this. I remember sitting on the floor 379 00:21:42,080 --> 00:21:46,280 in the hallway of the hospital because I was giving people time 380 00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:49,680 with Hunter, because once we knew he wasn't going to make it, 381 00:21:49,680 --> 00:21:53,320 I was like, who wants to spend time with him? 382 00:21:53,560 --> 00:21:55,440 Everybody can have their moment with him. 383 00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:59,760 I'm sitting on the floor in the hospital and I look up and I see 384 00:21:59,760 --> 00:22:03,600 two of our good friends from California walking down the 385 00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:04,960 hall. I didn't. 386 00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:08,320 I told everybody not to come. They didn't listen to me. 387 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:11,520 They just got on a plane and they were there. 388 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:18,080 And I remember feeling so grateful for somebody from 389 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:22,040 California because all the people that were there, they had 390 00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:25,440 not been living our lives for the last 15 years together. 391 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:31,520 His parents would see us, but nobody knew our our normal life. 392 00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:35,080 And so now there were some people in the room that had been 393 00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:39,680 with us every day, all the time, going out together, making meals 394 00:22:39,680 --> 00:22:43,160 together. And it I didn't know that it 395 00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:45,760 would, but it brought me so much comfort to have them. 396 00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:51,160 And when the organ donor thing started, so the organ donor 397 00:22:51,160 --> 00:22:56,560 people come and you have to say what you're willing to donate 398 00:22:56,760 --> 00:22:58,480 and like what you're willing to do. 399 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:03,340 And I I was like, I cannot. I cannot deal with all of this. 400 00:23:03,340 --> 00:23:06,260 I I can't process this. I just want to sit with Hunter. 401 00:23:06,860 --> 00:23:12,380 And so my yeah, So my friends Sharon and Ken from California, 402 00:23:12,740 --> 00:23:16,540 they handled all of that. And the only thing that I said, 403 00:23:16,540 --> 00:23:19,300 they had to come to me one time because I guess if you're going 404 00:23:19,300 --> 00:23:22,060 to donate your tissue or something, they were going to 405 00:23:22,060 --> 00:23:24,660 have to take him someplace else. And I was like, he's not fucking 406 00:23:24,660 --> 00:23:27,540 leaving. So you can take whatever you 407 00:23:27,540 --> 00:23:30,420 need from him as long as he stays here with me. 408 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:37,480 And so that was Tuesday. Hunter's brother and I had to go 409 00:23:37,480 --> 00:23:40,640 pick up all the kids from school and tell them that he wasn't 410 00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:43,880 going to make it. And I just remember being in the 411 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:45,880 car. Heath was driving, Hunter's 412 00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:48,920 brother was driving, and I was texting with my little 413 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:52,720 California village and saying this is the hardest thing that 414 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:56,320 I'm ever going to have to do because I'm about to change 415 00:23:56,640 --> 00:24:01,760 their entire life with what I'm about to do, what I'm about to 416 00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:03,880 tell them. And it has to be done, 417 00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:06,760 obviously. But it was like this moment and 418 00:24:06,760 --> 00:24:10,120 it reminded me because Hunter was very into like quantum 419 00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:12,280 physics and stuff and I was always like blah blah. 420 00:24:12,520 --> 00:24:15,720 Blah, I don't understand. Yeah, he was always like, let me 421 00:24:15,720 --> 00:24:17,280 tell you about the double slit theory. 422 00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:21,080 And I was like, I don't care. But one of the conversations 423 00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:24,510 that we had had recently was about, if you don't know it's 424 00:24:24,510 --> 00:24:26,110 happening, then it's not really happening. 425 00:24:26,110 --> 00:24:28,390 I can't really remember what it was, but it was like this whole 426 00:24:28,390 --> 00:24:32,070 thing of like, it doesn't really happen until, you know, it's 427 00:24:32,070 --> 00:24:35,670 happened. And I remember thinking to my in 428 00:24:35,670 --> 00:24:37,550 my head and I was kind of talking to Hunter about it. 429 00:24:37,550 --> 00:24:41,190 I was like, oh, now I get it because it hasn't happened for 430 00:24:41,190 --> 00:24:43,430 them until I tell them that it's happened. 431 00:24:43,830 --> 00:24:45,470 And I had to. We picked up the boys from 432 00:24:45,470 --> 00:24:48,310 school and then we went and picked up Sydney and we're 433 00:24:48,310 --> 00:24:51,550 driving back to the hospital and one of the kids says where are 434 00:24:51,550 --> 00:24:54,020 we going? And I said we're going to go see 435 00:24:54,020 --> 00:25:00,340 her dad and I met Sydney's eyes in the rearview mirror because 436 00:25:00,340 --> 00:25:03,220 she remembered that. I said if things take a turn, 437 00:25:03,500 --> 00:25:05,820 I'll let you know. And I could just see right then. 438 00:25:05,820 --> 00:25:07,940 She knew the oldest. Yeah, she's the oldest. 439 00:25:07,940 --> 00:25:11,020 Knew what was going on. So she knew and there was a big 440 00:25:11,020 --> 00:25:14,300 discussion in the hospital about how we how I was going to do it. 441 00:25:14,940 --> 00:25:18,020 Do I tell them somewhere else and then give them the 442 00:25:18,020 --> 00:25:19,900 opportunity? Do I take them into the room 443 00:25:19,900 --> 00:25:24,820 with Hunter and then tell them? And I decided that I was going 444 00:25:24,820 --> 00:25:28,420 to tell them in the room with Hunter because for whatever 445 00:25:28,420 --> 00:25:31,060 reason, right or wrong, I wanted them. 446 00:25:31,060 --> 00:25:35,060 I didn't want them to lose the opportunity to say goodbye to 447 00:25:35,060 --> 00:25:37,660 him. But at the same time, they have 448 00:25:37,660 --> 00:25:40,460 to see him. And he looked great, by the way. 449 00:25:40,900 --> 00:25:44,060 I mean, because he's got all this oxygen flowing through him. 450 00:25:44,060 --> 00:25:46,500 So his skin looked great. His hair looked amazing. 451 00:25:46,500 --> 00:25:49,100 Everybody kept touching it except for, you know, we had a 452 00:25:49,100 --> 00:25:51,460 lot of, yeah, tubes. Thank you. 453 00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:56,000 The decision I made was, I'll tell them in the room and so we 454 00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:58,440 go in. Everyone else was in the Chapel 455 00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:02,680 and Heath and I went in with the three kids and Hunter's laying 456 00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:06,360 there and I just said I don't really remember what I said. 457 00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:09,960 But it was just like, you know, your dad's not going to make it 458 00:26:10,040 --> 00:26:15,080 and I just wanted you to be her, you know, to see him or say 459 00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:20,090 something if you wanted to. But you don't have to stay, and 460 00:26:20,090 --> 00:26:23,490 it's totally your call. My daughter, like, hugged teeth 461 00:26:23,530 --> 00:26:26,090 and I think maybe Hunter's mom was in there too, because I 462 00:26:26,090 --> 00:26:30,890 remember there was an adult for each kid to hug and so we hugged 463 00:26:30,890 --> 00:26:33,610 on them. And then my oldest and my 464 00:26:33,610 --> 00:26:38,330 youngest made the choice to leave, but my middle child chose 465 00:26:38,330 --> 00:26:41,450 to stay. And we all left the room. 466 00:26:41,450 --> 00:26:44,850 And I could hear his little voice talking to Hunter and just 467 00:26:44,850 --> 00:26:47,610 saying I'm going to keep playing soccer because they have that in 468 00:26:47,610 --> 00:26:52,530 common and I'm going to do good in school and you're going to be 469 00:26:52,530 --> 00:26:56,650 proud of me. And it was just so sweet and I 470 00:26:56,650 --> 00:27:01,450 was grateful that he had that chance because your children 471 00:27:01,450 --> 00:27:05,090 didn't have the chance. Not that I'm still to this day, 472 00:27:05,090 --> 00:27:09,250 I'm not sure if I fucked him up by having them do that or not. 473 00:27:09,770 --> 00:27:12,930 But in the moment I felt like it was the best choice. 474 00:27:13,630 --> 00:27:18,190 So he had that moment and then he left and I went home with the 475 00:27:18,190 --> 00:27:21,550 kids for a little bit and I just said if you want to come back up 476 00:27:21,550 --> 00:27:24,950 at any time, you can. But I don't have much time left 477 00:27:24,950 --> 00:27:27,590 with your dad. So I'm going to be up here and I 478 00:27:27,590 --> 00:27:30,630 love you and and I'll come home for dinner or whatever. 479 00:27:30,630 --> 00:27:35,830 But I'm going to be spending the night with your dad and the the 480 00:27:35,830 --> 00:27:40,150 nurses like asked me if I wanted to lay down with him, which was 481 00:27:41,130 --> 00:27:43,210 it was very odd. And I was like in my head. 482 00:27:43,210 --> 00:27:45,490 I was kind of processing it. No, I don't want to lay down 483 00:27:45,490 --> 00:27:48,450 with him because it's weird and all these tubes and everything. 484 00:27:48,450 --> 00:27:50,450 But then on the other side, yeah, I do want to lay down with 485 00:27:50,450 --> 00:27:54,210 him because I've been laying down with him since I was 19 and 486 00:27:54,210 --> 00:27:57,290 I don't have much time left. So of course I'm going to lay 487 00:27:57,290 --> 00:28:00,890 down with him and I remember laying there and thinking this 488 00:28:00,890 --> 00:28:05,290 is really fucking uncomfortable. I don't, I don't like laying 489 00:28:05,290 --> 00:28:09,140 here, but I was trying to be in the moment and and get the last 490 00:28:09,140 --> 00:28:11,580 moments in with him and Lacey, I don't know if you felt that 491 00:28:11,580 --> 00:28:14,700 because you know it's going to be over soon and you're not 492 00:28:14,700 --> 00:28:18,860 going to have his hand to hold or you know, his hair to touch 493 00:28:18,860 --> 00:28:22,060 or, you know, it always put my nose like right in the crook of 494 00:28:22,060 --> 00:28:25,140 his neck. And I wanted to do that. 495 00:28:25,420 --> 00:28:29,380 So but it was awkward and it was uncomfortable and there are 496 00:28:29,380 --> 00:28:31,660 nurses in and out and you're just like this is not. 497 00:28:32,380 --> 00:28:37,220 It's so the moment that I would have wanted to have but but it 498 00:28:37,220 --> 00:28:39,540 was all I had. So I took it. 499 00:28:40,340 --> 00:28:44,940 And then the next day they they'd found some donors. 500 00:28:44,940 --> 00:28:47,900 He was going to give his kidneys and his liver, which we were 501 00:28:47,900 --> 00:28:51,300 like his liver. We were shocked. 502 00:28:51,980 --> 00:28:56,460 Beer fest, I know. But his liver was donated his 503 00:28:56,460 --> 00:29:02,580 kidneys, his eyes. And so the way that it works is 504 00:29:02,980 --> 00:29:07,750 once they find the donors, it's it's got to happen pretty fast. 505 00:29:08,110 --> 00:29:12,070 And you're not allowed to be in the room because they have to 506 00:29:12,070 --> 00:29:15,310 take all of the life support, take him off life support, then 507 00:29:15,310 --> 00:29:18,870 he dies, then they run in and grab all the stuff, like they 508 00:29:18,870 --> 00:29:21,830 can't take it out before he's legally dead. 509 00:29:21,990 --> 00:29:24,470 Which makes sense, right? Then it's just like organ 510 00:29:24,710 --> 00:29:28,630 harvesting or something did. You did Oliver donate or? 511 00:29:28,950 --> 00:29:30,990 I can't do that with his strip, Toxic. 512 00:29:31,070 --> 00:29:33,110 Yeah, because some of his organs were damaged. 513 00:29:33,110 --> 00:29:35,710 But they were they should all completely shut down. 514 00:29:35,710 --> 00:29:37,310 Yeah, though, yeah, he was an organ donor. 515 00:29:37,310 --> 00:29:39,150 But no, they didn't lose anything. 516 00:29:39,510 --> 00:29:44,630 So we knew Thursday morning that's, that's it, you know, 517 00:29:44,630 --> 00:29:47,150 which by this point I'd been in the hospital since Sunday. 518 00:29:47,390 --> 00:29:50,260 And there's a part of you that's like, I just want this to be 519 00:29:50,420 --> 00:29:53,260 over. I just want this to be done. 520 00:29:53,740 --> 00:29:57,700 I can't live in this any longer. Another great friend of mine 521 00:29:57,700 --> 00:30:00,420 came into town with her daughter, who was very close to 522 00:30:00,580 --> 00:30:03,460 my daughter. So she's there with me. 523 00:30:03,580 --> 00:30:09,300 Right before Hunter was going to go down and be pulled off life 524 00:30:09,300 --> 00:30:12,660 support. So she's standing outside and 525 00:30:12,660 --> 00:30:17,160 the curtains like half halfway pulled and I'm standing up at 526 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:20,040 Hunter's face and I'm just like saying goodbye. 527 00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:23,080 And it's very emotional. And I'm crying and I'm telling 528 00:30:23,080 --> 00:30:27,480 him how much I love him and how we're going to be OK and all of 529 00:30:27,480 --> 00:30:30,840 the things. And I look up and there is my 530 00:30:30,840 --> 00:30:33,880 friend and Melissa, she's just staring like she's watching a 531 00:30:33,880 --> 00:30:36,680 Lifetime movie. And we catch eyes and she's 532 00:30:36,680 --> 00:30:40,920 like, we have laughed about it forever since then because it 533 00:30:40,920 --> 00:30:43,840 was like this moment. She couldn't look away, and yet 534 00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:45,640 she knew she needed to look away. 535 00:30:45,990 --> 00:30:48,750 So that happens. They take him downstairs. 536 00:30:49,030 --> 00:30:52,150 You could make the choice to stand outside of, like, the 537 00:30:52,150 --> 00:30:54,470 operating room, but you're not in there with him. 538 00:30:54,910 --> 00:30:57,630 And I was like, I don't want to stand outside. 539 00:30:57,950 --> 00:31:00,190 I don't want to. I don't need to be there. 540 00:31:00,190 --> 00:31:03,470 His soul is with me. That's just the body. 541 00:31:03,470 --> 00:31:04,910 So I'm not going to go down there. 542 00:31:04,910 --> 00:31:07,710 And it really bothered my mom. She was like, who's with him? 543 00:31:07,710 --> 00:31:10,560 And I was like, he's with us. We don't need to be with him. 544 00:31:10,560 --> 00:31:13,360 He's with us. We just sat in a waiting room, 545 00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:16,520 and then we were told that he died. 546 00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:20,640 And I just remember walking out and just being like, I'm so 547 00:31:20,960 --> 00:31:27,120 relieved that it's over. And what I didn't know was that 548 00:31:27,120 --> 00:31:31,640 that day that Hunter was dying, and they were, he was giving his 549 00:31:31,640 --> 00:31:36,670 organs. The school in California had my 550 00:31:36,670 --> 00:31:39,910 friends had set up a like a prayer service. 551 00:31:40,110 --> 00:31:44,030 The entire church was filled with people and they're all 552 00:31:44,030 --> 00:31:48,430 praying for us. And it was at the exact time 553 00:31:48,470 --> 00:31:51,910 that Hunter was dying and nobody knew that. 554 00:31:52,510 --> 00:31:56,030 So it's like I imagine my mom was so worried about Hunter 555 00:31:56,030 --> 00:32:01,590 being by himself and and all I could think was he had so many 556 00:32:01,590 --> 00:32:06,860 people, you know, like in that moment he was not alone. 557 00:32:07,020 --> 00:32:10,860 He was being lifted up and my family was being lifted up and 558 00:32:10,860 --> 00:32:15,340 it was like the worst possible moment in my life and yet the 559 00:32:15,340 --> 00:32:18,180 most amazing, beautiful moment in my life. 560 00:32:18,180 --> 00:32:22,820 If that makes sense. Because the amount of love and 561 00:32:23,580 --> 00:32:28,420 support on a whole nother level, not even earthly, I didn't feel 562 00:32:28,420 --> 00:32:30,980 like. And then the amount of love and 563 00:32:30,980 --> 00:32:36,340 support that you feel in the weeks after how people show up 564 00:32:36,500 --> 00:32:38,740 in ways that you never even imagined. 565 00:32:39,580 --> 00:32:43,740 So even though it was the worst possible day, when I think about 566 00:32:43,740 --> 00:32:49,100 it, I'm just overcome with, like, gratitude for being the 567 00:32:49,100 --> 00:32:52,460 recipient of all this love and care and support. 568 00:32:52,460 --> 00:32:56,300 So yeah. So then we went home and 569 00:32:56,300 --> 00:32:59,600 everybody got wasted. Amen. 570 00:32:59,600 --> 00:33:01,360 We got really drunk. Sure. 571 00:33:01,520 --> 00:33:05,880 The sense of like just you had to just be completely exhausted 572 00:33:06,280 --> 00:33:09,520 and just kind of sense of relief. 573 00:33:09,840 --> 00:33:12,200 Yeah, it's almost and I don't know if you guys got to this 574 00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:15,440 point, but it's like I had no more feeling left. 575 00:33:15,440 --> 00:33:21,280 Like I I had cried, I had worried, I had loved and it was 576 00:33:21,280 --> 00:33:26,200 just like now I was just exhausted and and almost 577 00:33:26,200 --> 00:33:28,440 delirious. It was delirious. 578 00:33:28,790 --> 00:33:32,430 Yeah, so, but we did have we, you know, we went home and 579 00:33:32,510 --> 00:33:37,630 raised a glass and multiple glasses with all the people that 580 00:33:37,630 --> 00:33:42,510 were still in town and and he was cremated, which is a whole 581 00:33:42,510 --> 00:33:45,350 another thing, a weird mental thing. 582 00:33:46,460 --> 00:33:49,260 I when I look back on that week and there's a lot of stuff that 583 00:33:49,260 --> 00:33:53,260 I'm not even sharing, but I look back at it and I see my 584 00:33:53,260 --> 00:33:55,300 strength. There was a lot of humor, dark 585 00:33:55,300 --> 00:33:58,060 humor. I see the support and the love 586 00:33:58,060 --> 00:34:00,940 and the community that I have and the friends that we made and 587 00:34:01,460 --> 00:34:04,180 and the family that I have. My own family and Hunter's 588 00:34:04,180 --> 00:34:10,980 family, we just all experienced this horrible, amazing week 589 00:34:10,980 --> 00:34:13,690 together. Yeah, I was glad when I just 590 00:34:13,690 --> 00:34:16,210 walked out of there and I was like, I'm never fucking coming 591 00:34:16,210 --> 00:34:18,370 back here again. Isn't it interesting? 592 00:34:18,370 --> 00:34:21,570 I've had someone asked me to come to Seaton to see them. 593 00:34:21,570 --> 00:34:22,969 They were in the hospital, see a friend. 594 00:34:22,969 --> 00:34:25,090 I I couldn't do it. Yeah, couldn't go in there. 595 00:34:25,690 --> 00:34:28,210 Why? Can't Why am I not yeah, put my 596 00:34:28,210 --> 00:34:30,730 big girl panties on and go in the hospital. 597 00:34:30,730 --> 00:34:34,290 But it just, there was a a visceral feeling that I thought, 598 00:34:34,290 --> 00:34:37,909 I'm going to be panicked. Yeah, it's it's painful. 599 00:34:37,949 --> 00:34:40,550 It's horrific. You were probably the most 600 00:34:40,550 --> 00:34:43,790 positive because I remember being like, who's this Whitney 601 00:34:43,790 --> 00:34:46,510 girl you're like, I don't know if I can be friends with her. 602 00:34:46,750 --> 00:34:48,510 Oh, I went over the top. OK, let's. 603 00:34:48,630 --> 00:34:52,550 It was early on and you were so like we met at Jeffrey's, how 604 00:34:52,550 --> 00:34:55,670 long time I met was? That Jeffrey's happy hour? 605 00:34:56,310 --> 00:34:59,470 Four months, Four months, So. I remember us talking about I 606 00:34:59,470 --> 00:35:02,510 was like, who is this girl? That would be so like. 607 00:35:02,670 --> 00:35:06,130 Wow, because I was pissed off. Yeah, I mean, for the longest I 608 00:35:06,130 --> 00:35:08,210 did not have any of those grateful moments. 609 00:35:08,210 --> 00:35:09,930 I wish I could have, but I didn't. 610 00:35:10,050 --> 00:35:12,970 There was a lot of stress in my life and things that I had no 611 00:35:12,970 --> 00:35:15,890 control over. So I had already kind of been 612 00:35:15,890 --> 00:35:20,490 diving into like, why is all this shit happening and what is 613 00:35:20,490 --> 00:35:22,730 what is this? Why is this happening? 614 00:35:22,730 --> 00:35:26,570 And so I was already on this weird path of like, there are 615 00:35:26,570 --> 00:35:31,210 lessons to be learned in every experience, and you can look at 616 00:35:31,520 --> 00:35:34,080 the light in it, or you can dive into the dark in it. 617 00:35:34,360 --> 00:35:38,200 So I remember having a moment in the hospital where I was like, 618 00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:42,280 what am I going to do? What am I what, which path am I 619 00:35:42,280 --> 00:35:45,800 going to take? And I went down the grateful 620 00:35:45,800 --> 00:35:47,640 path. But then I went off the rails. 621 00:35:47,680 --> 00:35:51,560 I went home. I bought a ton of books about 622 00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:54,080 the soul. I was trying to reach out to 623 00:35:54,080 --> 00:35:56,520 mediums like, can I talk to you tomorrow? 624 00:35:56,600 --> 00:36:01,150 So that was my coping mechanism, which wasn't completely healthy 625 00:36:01,350 --> 00:36:05,430 because I wasn't willing to sit in the sad part and I was trying 626 00:36:05,430 --> 00:36:08,550 to lift everybody else up. I've never met anybody for a 627 00:36:08,590 --> 00:36:12,030 drink or dinner. Yeah thing for a very, very long 628 00:36:12,030 --> 00:36:15,510 time because I just couldn't be around people, right was. 629 00:36:15,550 --> 00:36:18,350 Just I had to be around people and if my friends. 630 00:36:18,750 --> 00:36:20,030 All. Would show up. 631 00:36:20,110 --> 00:36:23,270 Everyone would show up at my door, but I needed to be around 632 00:36:23,270 --> 00:36:24,950 people. I didn't want to be. 633 00:36:24,950 --> 00:36:26,990 I didn't want. This is the weird part. 634 00:36:27,110 --> 00:36:30,350 People were reaching out to me. All my California people were 635 00:36:30,350 --> 00:36:32,670 reaching out, wanting to to talk. 636 00:36:32,950 --> 00:36:37,070 I didn't answer any phone calls. I didn't text a lot of people 637 00:36:37,070 --> 00:36:38,550 back. And then I didn't have a friend 638 00:36:38,550 --> 00:36:41,990 group here in Austin. I just had my family and my mom 639 00:36:42,150 --> 00:36:45,270 was close to Hunter, and so we were kind of grieving together. 640 00:36:45,710 --> 00:36:49,510 I didn't want to talk to anybody except for, like, you guys, 641 00:36:49,790 --> 00:36:54,030 because that's why I reached out to Holly as fast as I could as 642 00:36:54,030 --> 00:36:57,030 soon as I found out about her, because I was just trying to 643 00:36:57,030 --> 00:37:01,270 find ways to be around people that I didn't have to explain 644 00:37:01,270 --> 00:37:03,910 anything to, right? I feel like I was at my 645 00:37:03,910 --> 00:37:08,310 healthiest that first year because I was very connected to 646 00:37:08,670 --> 00:37:13,660 God and a higher like a bigger picture and all this stuff. 647 00:37:13,700 --> 00:37:16,540 I don't think any of us were handling it quite like that, I 648 00:37:16,540 --> 00:37:18,420 was. Jealous that you had did have 649 00:37:18,420 --> 00:37:22,420 such a positive spin because I think I was still questioning, 650 00:37:22,420 --> 00:37:26,260 you know why? I never really got deep into why 651 00:37:26,260 --> 00:37:29,740 did this happen to me. It was more why did this happen 652 00:37:29,740 --> 00:37:33,540 to my kids? And why did Frank have to miss 653 00:37:33,540 --> 00:37:37,740 out? Why did he have to miss out on 654 00:37:37,780 --> 00:37:41,380 all of this, watching the kids grow up and all the things that 655 00:37:41,500 --> 00:37:44,100 he loved? And I was upset. 656 00:37:44,100 --> 00:37:46,300 I was, you know, I'm still upset about that. 657 00:37:46,380 --> 00:37:49,740 And you seemed in that moment like you'd already made peace 658 00:37:49,740 --> 00:37:52,290 with it. Which I thought was incredible. 659 00:37:52,410 --> 00:37:56,050 But they ever explained to you what the sound was or no? 660 00:37:56,050 --> 00:37:58,530 They always try to say it was a death rattle or something. 661 00:37:58,530 --> 00:38:02,090 It was not you guys. I honestly feel like that was 662 00:38:02,490 --> 00:38:06,850 that was the gift of, hey, I'm leaving, you need to be down 663 00:38:06,850 --> 00:38:11,010 here because if he had not made that noise, he would be dead. 664 00:38:11,010 --> 00:38:15,880 He would have died on the couch. The kids and I would wake up and 665 00:38:15,880 --> 00:38:18,520 go downstairs to a cold body on a couch. 666 00:38:18,720 --> 00:38:23,160 So because of that noise, he stayed alive several more days. 667 00:38:23,560 --> 00:38:25,560 His family got to come and say goodbye. 668 00:38:25,800 --> 00:38:28,920 He was an organ donor and saved multiple lives. 669 00:38:28,960 --> 00:38:31,760 I mean the opportunity to say I don't know how Holly feels, but. 670 00:38:32,620 --> 00:38:35,700 The opportunity to say goodbye like that and have time. 671 00:38:35,700 --> 00:38:38,820 And I know it was awful, no. But it is a gift, and that's 672 00:38:38,820 --> 00:38:42,180 something I recognize. I mean, I literally never laid 673 00:38:42,180 --> 00:38:45,460 eyes on Frank again. I mean, I never got to say 674 00:38:45,460 --> 00:38:47,260 goodbye and never got to hold his hand. 675 00:38:47,900 --> 00:38:51,100 Everybody's story is different. And honestly, I feel bad 676 00:38:51,940 --> 00:38:55,890 sometimes sharing all of the gifts that I feel like I was 677 00:38:55,890 --> 00:38:58,410 given because I'm sure there are people are like, well, I didn't 678 00:38:58,410 --> 00:38:59,690 get any gifts, oh, you shouldn't. 679 00:39:00,010 --> 00:39:04,010 But before he died, we had family pictures taken. 680 00:39:04,450 --> 00:39:07,090 We never had photos taken. That's, you know. 681 00:39:07,490 --> 00:39:11,290 Yeah, we went to the beach the summer before and my sister was 682 00:39:11,290 --> 00:39:13,490 like, oh, we're all gonna do photos on the beach. 683 00:39:13,490 --> 00:39:16,210 And I was like, I'm not putting my white dress on. 684 00:39:16,210 --> 00:39:20,670 Yeah, photos on the beach. I'm like, oh, is that it? 685 00:39:20,750 --> 00:39:22,070 Yeah. That's great that. 686 00:39:22,070 --> 00:39:24,790 Was our last family photo on the beach in the white dress? 687 00:39:25,350 --> 00:39:27,870 The beer festival was a gift. The pictures were a gift. 688 00:39:28,070 --> 00:39:30,830 I had a dream that he died two weeks before and so we had a 689 00:39:30,830 --> 00:39:33,870 whole conversation. I got to say a bunch of things 690 00:39:33,870 --> 00:39:36,390 to him while he was still fully present. 691 00:39:36,710 --> 00:39:38,790 We're going to wrap it up, but I. 692 00:39:39,230 --> 00:39:40,990 Not the club you want to sign up? 693 00:39:41,030 --> 00:39:44,630 No it's not. But we're all doing it with 694 00:39:44,630 --> 00:39:48,310 grace and badassery, and we just want other people to know that 695 00:39:48,310 --> 00:39:50,350 they can do that too, if they feel like it. 696 00:39:50,550 --> 00:39:53,150 If you want to hide under your bed, you can do that too. 697 00:39:53,150 --> 00:39:55,830 Reef is It's messy. And we're no maids. 698 00:39:56,710 --> 00:39:57,150 Boom.