You found us. I'm so glad you did, But I'm
sorry that you had to. Who are we?
I'll tell you what we're not. We're not old, we're not boring,
and we're not giving up. We're four mothers, all living
in Austin, introduced to each other because we all share a
similar tragedy. Our husbands died unexpectedly
and in the prime of their lives. So come on into our widow circle
where trauma meets humor and we remind you that you can not only
survive, but thrive. This is every widow thing.
Come to every widow thing. My name is Whitney.
I am going to go into my story of how Hunter died.
I want to start with the day before.
It was September 30th. We had just moved to Austin in
July. My cousin and her family lived
here. My mom had moved in with us.
My they were coming from Denver and she was going to live with
us for a year just to get acclimated to Austin and figure
out where she wanted to go. So we move here in July.
My mom moves in with us and September 30th my cousin and her
husband and Hunter and I went to the beer festival.
And the reason why I wanted to share that is because most of
the time Hunter and I were both running in different directions.
He was dealing with the work stuff, I was dealing with the
kids stuff. And so we would have a moment in
the morning by the coffee machine, a hug and a kiss and
say have a great day or whatever.
And then we would split and do our stuff and then come back
together at night for a quick kiss.
My husband had sleep apnea. Anybody who has ever been
around, someone with sleep apnea, you know that sleeping
with them is excruciating because of the the snoring.
And so he did not sleep in the bed with me, so he.
Was not a big guy either, no. So thank you Lacey.
He was very fit. He worked out a lot.
It was mild sleep apnea. The Saturday of the 30th, we are
going to the beer festival with my cousin and her husband and it
was a treat because we didn't do a lot like that.
We had only been on one date night since we moved to Austin
because there's just a lot going on.
So we spent the whole day together.
And what's crazy is that that whole day we were holding hands,
we were kissing. We were saying I love you to the
point where, like my cousin was like, what is up with you guys?
This is getting weird because we were sitting down eating lunch
and we were holding hands while we were eating lunch.
We never did that. We just, we really loved each
other that day and it's such a blessing because that was his
last real day on this earth. We go home, my cousin and her
husband are are with us and they're laughing because we
always had a Sunday Family Day because now we were around
family. We'd never lived around family
before. We were having a Sunday Family
Day. It was October 1st, so we bought
all these pumpkins. We were going to carve pumpkins
and Hunter was joking and saying I'm going to find a way to get
out of it. Well, he did, yeah.
He was like, I don't think I'm going to make it.
And we were all laughing. Ha ha ha.
At about 7:00 AM on Sunday, I hear this noise and I can't
really explain it. It was loud and and powerful,
and I thought that Hunter was having a bad dream, which he
would have sometimes. My mom, who's far away on the
other side of the house, she hears it in her room.
She thinks that someone's in the house and hunters fighting them.
She thinks it's like a I, I don't know, a noise that someone
would make during a fight. Like a grunt or a cough or no,
it it's very hard to explain. It was like a whale.
It was like a a loud, powerful whale or something.
I I can't even. I'd never heard anything like
it. I've never heard anything since.
I don't really understand what it was, but it got me it.
I jumped out of bed and I ran down the stairs and I'm
thinking, he's having a bad dream.
So I'm running down the stairs. My mom's running from the other
side of the house and we both get in there and Hunter's laying
on the couch. And so my mom's standing up and
I'm sitting on the couch and I'm just like, patting him and
saying you're okay, you know, you just had a bad dream.
You're all right. And my mom realizes that, oh,
this is a little awkward, that I'm still standing here.
So she goes back to her bedroom and I'm sitting there and, you
know, we've talked about this time kind of stands still.
You're not really sure if it was 5 minutes or five seconds, but
my brain was kind of starting to process stuff.
So I'm sitting there. And because my husband had sleep
apnea, he didn't get good sleep. He did not wear a CPAP machine.
He had one, but he did not wear it because it was uncomfortable,
which is the reason that a lot of people use for not wearing
it. So he didn't get good sleep.
So I'm sitting there and I'm like, oh, he said he's still in
such a deep sleep. I hate to wake him up, but
everyone's about to get up. And so my brain is thinking like
that and I'm like, OK. You're in practical mode.
Yeah, I'm in practical mode. I'm like, wow, he's in a really
deep sleep. And then it starts to dawn on me
that he's literally hasn't responded at all to anything.
I'm like, wait, is he breathing? And I and I lean down and I
can't tell cuz now your adrenaline starts going and I'm
like, is that my heart? I'm hearing, Is it his heart I'm
hearing? I don't know what's going on.
And it it starts to dawn on me that this is a problem.
And I start yelling for my mom. And my mom comes running in and
I have the phone. We still had a landline and I
have the phone and I'm trying to dial 911 and my fingers won't do
the full 911, which is crazy because 911 is easy.
But I literally was doing like 991 and then I'd have to hang up
and then it it took me like three tries to get 911.
In the meantime, my mom is trying to start CPR.
So and we're and we're doing the, the CPR stuff.
And I remember telling her to be quiet because the sound is going
upstairs to my kids and I didn't want them to hear all of what
was happening down here. And I'm straddling Hunter,
trying to give him CPR and the fire department comes in, they
come in, they take over. My mom and I stepped to the
side. A police officer shows up and so
we're in the corner. We're praying.
My mom's like, do you want to pray?
I said yes, they get his heart started again and then they lose
it. So at this point they've been
there for like 20 minutes. And I said when do you call it?
When do you call it? And they said it's 30 minutes,
but it starts over every time the heart starts back up.
So they got his heart started, then they lost it.
But the 30 minutes starts over. I can't really remember.
I I don't know exactly how long they were there, but they got
his heart started again. And I remember saying to the EMT
guy, Oh my gosh, thank you, you've saved his life.
Thank you so much. And he said he's very, very
sick. I just need you to know he's
very, very sick. They take him in an ambulance.
And another little, not an ambulance, but an emergency
vehicle was also there. And they drove me to the
hospital and my mom stayed behind with the kids.
And I remember being in the emergency vehicle and thinking,
what do I do? Like, what am I, what am I?
What do I do? Who do I call?
Because it's, you know, 8:00 AM
my time. But all my friends are
California, so it's 6:00 AM their time.
So I'm like, I can't call any of them and what are they going to
do? But my one of my very best
friends is an ER doctor. So I was like, what do I do?
And I remembered, and this was another blessing for me, one of
our great friends and family friends, her parents were best
friends with Hunter's parents. She was in town because her
daughter goes to UT Her mom was also in town.
So I called her and I said Hunter's going to the emergency
room. You know, I don't really know
what happened. He wasn't breathing blah, blah,
blah. And she goes, I'll I'll be right
there. So Hunter's best friends, his
parents best friends were at the hospital and and and this girl,
Kathy, she was, she was there. So she showed up with a notebook
and a pen and she just started taking notes.
And I'm sitting in a room and the doctor, I did call my
friend, my er, doctor friend, and she was on the phone when
the doctor came in to talk to me about what's what's going on.
It's all doctor speak and you don't really understand what
he's saying. And so I've got my friend
Angelique on the phone and she's listening.
And my friend Kathy is taking notes.
And the doctor leaves the room. And I and I get back on the
phone with my friend and I walk outside and I go, I don't know
what what he's saying. Like, what is he saying?
And she kind of ran through it. And I go, just tell me what the
bottom line is. Is he going to live?
And she said, as a doctor, I will tell you he's not leaving
the hospital. As your friend, I say, you never
know what's going to happen and you don't give up.
And so I was like okay. So that was on a Sunday.
So I already had it in my mind that he might not make it.
The family friend Kathy, she called Hunter's parents and told
them they were living in New Mexico, and she called them and
told them they couldn't get a flight out.
So they started to drive, which is like 12 hours.
Yeah. Little interesting fact.
That morning Hunter's mom woke up and she had this weird desire
to make beignets. That was Hunter's favorite thing
was beignets, and she had this weird feeling to make beignets.
So she had just finished making beignets when they got the phone
call and they left. And I don't remember where
Hunter's brother was. I think he was in LA and he's
flying in. Hunter had a very core group of
friends since high school and middle school, and he grew up in
College Station. So there was this small band of
brothers who drove in that day and stayed with me in the
hospital the whole week. So.
He was in the hospital for a week.
So what happened was yes, he went into the hospital on the
1st, he died on the 5th. And what happened was when he
got to the hospital, his brain was swelling.
What I found out later was something had to happen earlier
in the night. Like it wasn't like he was dead
when I came down. Obviously he made this noise,
which in my mind I'm like I got to be with him and comforting
him when he was leaving, you know, but his brain had been
damaged somehow during the night, didn't get enough oxygen,
so it was already swelling. So what they do is they take you
down, take your body down to like a hypothermia type stage.
Is that what all they did with Oliver?
Sorry in a coma but came out for maybe a split second.
They do that to to save the brain for sure.
Exactly. So they do that because they
hope that they can stop the brain damage and then and then
save the brain. On Sunday, they're trying to get
him stable. He went into cardiac, he he, he
went into cardiac arrest on Sunday again in the hospital.
Now none of this is really registering with me.
Like, he's literally died three Times Now and they brought him
back, right? But that's not registering with
me. During any of this time, has he
been able to speak at all? No.
He unconscious or they had him? No, he was unconscious.
He was unconscious. When I saw him at 7:00 AM, he
never regained consciousness. So similar to Oliver.
So they decided we're going to, we're going to do this thing
where they we cool him down and hopefully it keeps the brain
from swelling and then it'll take 24 hours to warm him back
up. And then we'll do a scan and see
where we are, Okay. So I go home on Sunday night
because I I, you know, the kids have just started school and
stuff and I didn't want to not be there.
So I go home and I just said dad's in the hospital and little
kids, I mean, they're just thinking he's sitting up and in
a hospital bed and talking like they don't, they don't know what
it means, right? Ask why?
I mean, no, they heard a little bit of us that morning, but I I
have never talked to them about what they actually thought was
going on. I know that they heard us
counting and one kid tried to come downstairs and I said get
back upstairs. But I think once they got him
to, once he was in the hospital, they thought, oh, he's going to
be fine. That's what a hospital does,
right? They got.
Him in and yeah, I'm going to fix him.
So I go home. They're like, where's Dad?
They think he's just going to come And I go, you know, Dad is
in the hospital. I remember they were out on the
trampoline. So I had to walk out to the
trampoline and they're having fun.
You know, the boys are out there.
I don't remember where Sidney was.
And I said Dad's still in the hospital and my youngest said,
but he's going to be okay, right?
And I said I don't know, I don't know.
They're doing the best they can, but I don't really know.
And I turned and I started walking back and I looked back
at them and they were jumping again and laughing.
And I was like, isn't that a gift?
They live in the moment to moment?
So they heard that and they processed a little.
And then they go back to laughing and having fun.
And I was so glad because I didn't want them to be sad.
I mean, but they're going to be sad.
So the next morning I go back to the hospital and and they're
starting to warm him back up. I guess it's a little fuzzy
here, but by this point, Hunter's parents are there, His
brother is there. He's got his longtime friend
group that is there. My youngest sister, who didn't
live in town, she's there. So everybody that loves him and
can get there is there. My California people, I was
texting with them and we went to a Catholic school and they just
started prayer vigils and like it was really touching to see
how this big community of this school came together for us and
they were holding you know space for us.
And then my little core village in California were were together
the whole week at at one of one of their houses and and with me
but just through text and people were like, can we come, can we
come? And I and I told everybody don't
come. Like I couldn't deal with
anything else, right. I was just like, don't come.
And and I don't want to talk to anybody.
And I remember being on Facebook trying to figure out how to shut
down comments. Like, I didn't want anybody to
say anything about anything until I knew what was really
going on. So they're starting to warm him
up. And there are people in the
room, and he's squeezing people's hands.
Like, my sister was like, squeeze my hand and he would
squeeze her hand. And so you're thinking, Oh my
gosh, maybe this is going to be OK And it wasn't random.
It was like, squeeze my hand or somebody was telling a joke and
he squeezed the hand at the funny part, you know, or
whatever. Like everybody felt like he was
actually coming back. Where his eyes at all moving
underneath when they're closed? Well, because I didn't happen.
To their eyebrows moved. Yes.
Or like, yeah. His eyes were closed.
I just remember that the squeezing of the hands gave us
all hope and I remember Hunter's parents saying something like,
well, this is going to be a lesson for him.
Finally he's going to take care of himself.
So I go home Monday night and and one of the things that I
made sure wasn't he was never alone in the room.
I'll take a night, you guys take a night.
But he, I never want him to be by himself.
But I also wanted to have that. I wanted to go home and have
dinner with the kids and I wanted to put them to bed.
I wanted to have some normalcy. So on Monday night I go back to
the kids and I'm like, I think it's, I think it's okay.
Like I told them, I think it's okay.
I daddy's squeezing hands. But again, they didn't know much
of they didn't know that he had been in a coma or anything.
They didn't know much, but I was like, I feel really good, you
know about it. The doctors are working hard,
Daddy's working hard and I feel really good.
And the next day I was driving to the hospital and I'm talking
to one of the partners that he was very close with on the drive
in to the hospital. And I'm like, I feel really good
about it. He was, he was squeezing hands.
And I don't know how long it's going to take or if or what he's
going to be like, but I think I feel really good.
And then I go in to the hospital and we're standing around his
bed and a doctor comes in and says we're going to go check
for. They went and did a scan or
something. I don't know what kind, but to
check for brain activity, they bring him back up and a doctor
just comes in. And Hunter's parents still are
so angry about this. Guess the doctor was just very
matter of fact like there's there's no, there's no brain
activity. He's brain dead.
He's not coming out of this or something.
So how does a brain dead person like squeeze the hands and well,
when he was fully right, so that was in the beginning I think.
I don't. I don't really remember that.
And I never really asked anybody about this.
But I in my own head, what I think is that when the brain was
frozen, the damage wasn't as profound or something.
I don't really know. Or maybe he didn't squeeze hands
the way that people thought. Or maybe and I got mad because
it became like a party trick, like everyone was coming in
trying to get him to squeeze their hands.
And I was like, enough, you know, don't.
We're not. He's not doing tricks.
And then I never asked him to squeeze my hand.
And I regret that now because I was like, why didn't I?
Why didn't he squeeze my hand, you know?
Yeah. So I don't really know exactly
what the deal was. In my mind.
I'm like his brain was on the way to dying, but there was
still some of them, enough left to give a little bit of response
to people I don't really know. I look at it as a blessing
because for me, it was comforting to know he knew we
were there. And I already felt that.
I feel like even if he wasn't in his body, his his soul was
hanging around and he knew we were there.
But to have him squeezing just made it just comforted people,
you know? But it also threw me for a loop
because I thought he was going to go home and then you find out
he's brain dead. His.
Parents. When what are the kids asking?
He's been in the hospital now O K good question.
So I So when I went home on Sunday night, I asked the kids.
Do you want to come up and see him?
And they all said no. And I said that's totally fine.
That is completely your call. And your dad, you don't need to,
you don't need to come up. Your dad knows you love him and
and you don't need to come up. But I said, but if things get,
if things take a turn, I'll let you know or something like that.
So on Tuesday, when I go back up and I know he's brain dead, the
first thing, like I guess what happened was the the doctor says
he's brain dead and then I say he's a, he's a donor, he's a,
he's an organ donor. So what do we do next?
So that prolonged his life because when you're brain dead,
you know, he's on a ventilator. He's not, he's not going to be
able to keep himself alive. So because he was a donor,
they're going to keep him alive until they find people that need
his organs. So I'm like, he's an, he's a
donor. You know what happens next?
And I just kind of went into, I didn't even register.
I didn't even really register. I just wanted to okay.
Well, he's a donor. So now what do we do?
Let's get that going. I was just on like task, task
mode or whatever. Isn't it interesting when you
watch TV shows, the woman always just kind of goes back to the
bedroom and just takes a nap. Everybody handles it, all of us.
I think we're get it done types. There were things.
I will say this. I remember sitting on the floor
in the hallway of the hospital because I was giving people time
with Hunter, because once we knew he wasn't going to make it,
I was like, who wants to spend time with him?
Everybody can have their moment with him.
I'm sitting on the floor in the hospital and I look up and I see
two of our good friends from California walking down the
hall. I didn't.
I told everybody not to come. They didn't listen to me.
They just got on a plane and they were there.
And I remember feeling so grateful for somebody from
California because all the people that were there, they had
not been living our lives for the last 15 years together.
His parents would see us, but nobody knew our our normal life.
And so now there were some people in the room that had been
with us every day, all the time, going out together, making meals
together. And it I didn't know that it
would, but it brought me so much comfort to have them.
And when the organ donor thing started, so the organ donor
people come and you have to say what you're willing to donate
and like what you're willing to do.
And I I was like, I cannot. I cannot deal with all of this.
I I can't process this. I just want to sit with Hunter.
And so my yeah, So my friends Sharon and Ken from California,
they handled all of that. And the only thing that I said,
they had to come to me one time because I guess if you're going
to donate your tissue or something, they were going to
have to take him someplace else. And I was like, he's not fucking
leaving. So you can take whatever you
need from him as long as he stays here with me.
And so that was Tuesday. Hunter's brother and I had to go
pick up all the kids from school and tell them that he wasn't
going to make it. And I just remember being in the
car. Heath was driving, Hunter's
brother was driving, and I was texting with my little
California village and saying this is the hardest thing that
I'm ever going to have to do because I'm about to change
their entire life with what I'm about to do, what I'm about to
tell them. And it has to be done,
obviously. But it was like this moment and
it reminded me because Hunter was very into like quantum
physics and stuff and I was always like blah blah.
Blah, I don't understand. Yeah, he was always like, let me
tell you about the double slit theory.
And I was like, I don't care. But one of the conversations
that we had had recently was about, if you don't know it's
happening, then it's not really happening.
I can't really remember what it was, but it was like this whole
thing of like, it doesn't really happen until, you know, it's
happened. And I remember thinking to my in
my head and I was kind of talking to Hunter about it.
I was like, oh, now I get it because it hasn't happened for
them until I tell them that it's happened.
And I had to. We picked up the boys from
school and then we went and picked up Sydney and we're
driving back to the hospital and one of the kids says where are
we going? And I said we're going to go see
her dad and I met Sydney's eyes in the rearview mirror because
she remembered that. I said if things take a turn,
I'll let you know. And I could just see right then.
She knew the oldest. Yeah, she's the oldest.
Knew what was going on. So she knew and there was a big
discussion in the hospital about how we how I was going to do it.
Do I tell them somewhere else and then give them the
opportunity? Do I take them into the room
with Hunter and then tell them? And I decided that I was going
to tell them in the room with Hunter because for whatever
reason, right or wrong, I wanted them.
I didn't want them to lose the opportunity to say goodbye to
him. But at the same time, they have
to see him. And he looked great, by the way.
I mean, because he's got all this oxygen flowing through him.
So his skin looked great. His hair looked amazing.
Everybody kept touching it except for, you know, we had a
lot of, yeah, tubes. Thank you.
The decision I made was, I'll tell them in the room and so we
go in. Everyone else was in the Chapel
and Heath and I went in with the three kids and Hunter's laying
there and I just said I don't really remember what I said.
But it was just like, you know, your dad's not going to make it
and I just wanted you to be her, you know, to see him or say
something if you wanted to. But you don't have to stay, and
it's totally your call. My daughter, like, hugged teeth
and I think maybe Hunter's mom was in there too, because I
remember there was an adult for each kid to hug and so we hugged
on them. And then my oldest and my
youngest made the choice to leave, but my middle child chose
to stay. And we all left the room.
And I could hear his little voice talking to Hunter and just
saying I'm going to keep playing soccer because they have that in
common and I'm going to do good in school and you're going to be
proud of me. And it was just so sweet and I
was grateful that he had that chance because your children
didn't have the chance. Not that I'm still to this day,
I'm not sure if I fucked him up by having them do that or not.
But in the moment I felt like it was the best choice.
So he had that moment and then he left and I went home with the
kids for a little bit and I just said if you want to come back up
at any time, you can. But I don't have much time left
with your dad. So I'm going to be up here and I
love you and and I'll come home for dinner or whatever.
But I'm going to be spending the night with your dad and the the
nurses like asked me if I wanted to lay down with him, which was
it was very odd. And I was like in my head.
I was kind of processing it. No, I don't want to lay down
with him because it's weird and all these tubes and everything.
But then on the other side, yeah, I do want to lay down with
him because I've been laying down with him since I was 19 and
I don't have much time left. So of course I'm going to lay
down with him and I remember laying there and thinking this
is really fucking uncomfortable. I don't, I don't like laying
here, but I was trying to be in the moment and and get the last
moments in with him and Lacey, I don't know if you felt that
because you know it's going to be over soon and you're not
going to have his hand to hold or you know, his hair to touch
or, you know, it always put my nose like right in the crook of
his neck. And I wanted to do that.
So but it was awkward and it was uncomfortable and there are
nurses in and out and you're just like this is not.
It's so the moment that I would have wanted to have but but it
was all I had. So I took it.
And then the next day they they'd found some donors.
He was going to give his kidneys and his liver, which we were
like his liver. We were shocked.
Beer fest, I know. But his liver was donated his
kidneys, his eyes. And so the way that it works is
once they find the donors, it's it's got to happen pretty fast.
And you're not allowed to be in the room because they have to
take all of the life support, take him off life support, then
he dies, then they run in and grab all the stuff, like they
can't take it out before he's legally dead.
Which makes sense, right? Then it's just like organ
harvesting or something did. You did Oliver donate or?
I can't do that with his strip, Toxic.
Yeah, because some of his organs were damaged.
But they were they should all completely shut down.
Yeah, though, yeah, he was an organ donor.
But no, they didn't lose anything.
So we knew Thursday morning that's, that's it, you know,
which by this point I'd been in the hospital since Sunday.
And there's a part of you that's like, I just want this to be
over. I just want this to be done.
I can't live in this any longer. Another great friend of mine
came into town with her daughter, who was very close to
my daughter. So she's there with me.
Right before Hunter was going to go down and be pulled off life
support. So she's standing outside and
the curtains like half halfway pulled and I'm standing up at
Hunter's face and I'm just like saying goodbye.
And it's very emotional. And I'm crying and I'm telling
him how much I love him and how we're going to be OK and all of
the things. And I look up and there is my
friend and Melissa, she's just staring like she's watching a
Lifetime movie. And we catch eyes and she's
like, we have laughed about it forever since then because it
was like this moment. She couldn't look away, and yet
she knew she needed to look away.
So that happens. They take him downstairs.
You could make the choice to stand outside of, like, the
operating room, but you're not in there with him.
And I was like, I don't want to stand outside.
I don't want to. I don't need to be there.
His soul is with me. That's just the body.
So I'm not going to go down there.
And it really bothered my mom. She was like, who's with him?
And I was like, he's with us. We don't need to be with him.
He's with us. We just sat in a waiting room,
and then we were told that he died.
And I just remember walking out and just being like, I'm so
relieved that it's over. And what I didn't know was that
that day that Hunter was dying, and they were, he was giving his
organs. The school in California had my
friends had set up a like a prayer service.
The entire church was filled with people and they're all
praying for us. And it was at the exact time
that Hunter was dying and nobody knew that.
So it's like I imagine my mom was so worried about Hunter
being by himself and and all I could think was he had so many
people, you know, like in that moment he was not alone.
He was being lifted up and my family was being lifted up and
it was like the worst possible moment in my life and yet the
most amazing, beautiful moment in my life.
If that makes sense. Because the amount of love and
support on a whole nother level, not even earthly, I didn't feel
like. And then the amount of love and
support that you feel in the weeks after how people show up
in ways that you never even imagined.
So even though it was the worst possible day, when I think about
it, I'm just overcome with, like, gratitude for being the
recipient of all this love and care and support.
So yeah. So then we went home and
everybody got wasted. Amen.
We got really drunk. Sure.
The sense of like just you had to just be completely exhausted
and just kind of sense of relief.
Yeah, it's almost and I don't know if you guys got to this
point, but it's like I had no more feeling left.
Like I I had cried, I had worried, I had loved and it was
just like now I was just exhausted and and almost
delirious. It was delirious.
Yeah, so, but we did have we, you know, we went home and
raised a glass and multiple glasses with all the people that
were still in town and and he was cremated, which is a whole
another thing, a weird mental thing.
I when I look back on that week and there's a lot of stuff that
I'm not even sharing, but I look back at it and I see my
strength. There was a lot of humor, dark
humor. I see the support and the love
and the community that I have and the friends that we made and
and the family that I have. My own family and Hunter's
family, we just all experienced this horrible, amazing week
together. Yeah, I was glad when I just
walked out of there and I was like, I'm never fucking coming
back here again. Isn't it interesting?
I've had someone asked me to come to Seaton to see them.
They were in the hospital, see a friend.
I I couldn't do it. Yeah, couldn't go in there.
Why? Can't Why am I not yeah, put my
big girl panties on and go in the hospital.
But it just, there was a a visceral feeling that I thought,
I'm going to be panicked. Yeah, it's it's painful.
It's horrific. You were probably the most
positive because I remember being like, who's this Whitney
girl you're like, I don't know if I can be friends with her.
Oh, I went over the top. OK, let's.
It was early on and you were so like we met at Jeffrey's, how
long time I met was? That Jeffrey's happy hour?
Four months, Four months, So. I remember us talking about I
was like, who is this girl? That would be so like.
Wow, because I was pissed off. Yeah, I mean, for the longest I
did not have any of those grateful moments.
I wish I could have, but I didn't.
There was a lot of stress in my life and things that I had no
control over. So I had already kind of been
diving into like, why is all this shit happening and what is
what is this? Why is this happening?
And so I was already on this weird path of like, there are
lessons to be learned in every experience, and you can look at
the light in it, or you can dive into the dark in it.
So I remember having a moment in the hospital where I was like,
what am I going to do? What am I what, which path am I
going to take? And I went down the grateful
path. But then I went off the rails.
I went home. I bought a ton of books about
the soul. I was trying to reach out to
mediums like, can I talk to you tomorrow?
So that was my coping mechanism, which wasn't completely healthy
because I wasn't willing to sit in the sad part and I was trying
to lift everybody else up. I've never met anybody for a
drink or dinner. Yeah thing for a very, very long
time because I just couldn't be around people, right was.
Just I had to be around people and if my friends.
All. Would show up.
Everyone would show up at my door, but I needed to be around
people. I didn't want to be.
I didn't want. This is the weird part.
People were reaching out to me. All my California people were
reaching out, wanting to to talk.
I didn't answer any phone calls. I didn't text a lot of people
back. And then I didn't have a friend
group here in Austin. I just had my family and my mom
was close to Hunter, and so we were kind of grieving together.
I didn't want to talk to anybody except for, like, you guys,
because that's why I reached out to Holly as fast as I could as
soon as I found out about her, because I was just trying to
find ways to be around people that I didn't have to explain
anything to, right? I feel like I was at my
healthiest that first year because I was very connected to
God and a higher like a bigger picture and all this stuff.
I don't think any of us were handling it quite like that, I
was. Jealous that you had did have
such a positive spin because I think I was still questioning,
you know why? I never really got deep into why
did this happen to me. It was more why did this happen
to my kids? And why did Frank have to miss
out? Why did he have to miss out on
all of this, watching the kids grow up and all the things that
he loved? And I was upset.
I was, you know, I'm still upset about that.
And you seemed in that moment like you'd already made peace
with it. Which I thought was incredible.
But they ever explained to you what the sound was or no?
They always try to say it was a death rattle or something.
It was not you guys. I honestly feel like that was
that was the gift of, hey, I'm leaving, you need to be down
here because if he had not made that noise, he would be dead.
He would have died on the couch. The kids and I would wake up and
go downstairs to a cold body on a couch.
So because of that noise, he stayed alive several more days.
His family got to come and say goodbye.
He was an organ donor and saved multiple lives.
I mean the opportunity to say I don't know how Holly feels, but.
The opportunity to say goodbye like that and have time.
And I know it was awful, no. But it is a gift, and that's
something I recognize. I mean, I literally never laid
eyes on Frank again. I mean, I never got to say
goodbye and never got to hold his hand.
Everybody's story is different. And honestly, I feel bad
sometimes sharing all of the gifts that I feel like I was
given because I'm sure there are people are like, well, I didn't
get any gifts, oh, you shouldn't.
But before he died, we had family pictures taken.
We never had photos taken. That's, you know.
Yeah, we went to the beach the summer before and my sister was
like, oh, we're all gonna do photos on the beach.
And I was like, I'm not putting my white dress on.
Yeah, photos on the beach. I'm like, oh, is that it?
Yeah. That's great that.
Was our last family photo on the beach in the white dress?
The beer festival was a gift. The pictures were a gift.
I had a dream that he died two weeks before and so we had a
whole conversation. I got to say a bunch of things
to him while he was still fully present.
We're going to wrap it up, but I.
Not the club you want to sign up?
No it's not. But we're all doing it with
grace and badassery, and we just want other people to know that
they can do that too, if they feel like it.
If you want to hide under your bed, you can do that too.
Reef is It's messy. And we're no maids.
Boom.