1 00:00:00,520 --> 00:00:03,160 Today's episode is brought to you by Rodger Brooks and his 2 00:00:03,160 --> 00:00:05,280 team is Strategic Investment Management. 3 00:00:05,720 --> 00:00:09,400 As an Austin based fiduciary financial advisory firm, Rodger 4 00:00:09,400 --> 00:00:12,280 and his team bring decades of experience and empathy to help 5 00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:15,760 people regain financial control through life's ups and downs so 6 00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:17,360 you can move forward with confidence. 7 00:00:18,040 --> 00:00:21,280 You found us. I'm so glad you did, but I am 8 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:23,800 sorry that you had to. Who are we? 9 00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:28,600 I'll tell you what, we're not. We're not old, we're not boring, 10 00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:31,920 and we're not giving up. We're four mothers, all living 11 00:00:31,920 --> 00:00:34,760 in Austin, introduced to each other because we all share a 12 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:38,920 similar tragedy. Our husbands died unexpectedly 13 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:42,120 and in the prime of their lives. So come on into our widow 14 00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:45,680 circle, where trauma meets humor and we remind you that you can 15 00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:51,840 not only survive, but thrive. This is every widow thing. 16 00:00:53,480 --> 00:00:57,200 Welcome everyone. We are every widow thing. 17 00:00:57,200 --> 00:01:00,360 We have been taking a break, but we are back back. 18 00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:05,440 But we're doing widow confessions today and we put out 19 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:09,200 on our social media a request for anyone who wanted to share 20 00:01:09,200 --> 00:01:13,040 something that maybe they're embarrassed to share or feel 21 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:16,080 uncomfortable or feel guilty letting people know. 22 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:19,640 And I feel like these confessions can help other 23 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:23,520 widows who are possibly dealing with the same situation. 24 00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:25,840 But no one talks about it, right? 25 00:01:25,960 --> 00:01:31,560 So we got your confessions and maybe one of one or two of our 26 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,880 own. And I put them in this lovely 27 00:01:34,880 --> 00:01:38,040 vase. And what I thought we would do 28 00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:42,960 is just each one of us would just draw one out and we'll read 29 00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:48,560 it and then we can discuss or move on to the next one. 30 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:50,920 Depending on the. Whatever the content is that 31 00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:53,240 there's no right or wrong way to grieve. 32 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:58,320 Weird shit happens, and you're not alone in it. 33 00:01:58,760 --> 00:02:01,040 We're drinking wine and we are drinking wine. 34 00:02:02,120 --> 00:02:04,080 Yeah, we can't wait to read the weird stuff. 35 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:05,680 Y'all do? It's to celebrate. 36 00:02:05,920 --> 00:02:07,920 I can't wait to hear the weird. Like weird. 37 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:10,919 Yeah, we we're celebrating coming back. 38 00:02:10,919 --> 00:02:15,240 We've taken a break to be with our families, but we are back 39 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:19,000 and we are excited to get this show going first. 40 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,200 So he wants to go first. Holly. 41 00:02:21,760 --> 00:02:23,520 Go Holly. All right. 42 00:02:24,160 --> 00:02:30,240 OK, for weeks after my husband died, I went through his phone 43 00:02:30,240 --> 00:02:32,960 and all his emails looking for bad stuff. 44 00:02:34,080 --> 00:02:37,120 There was part of me that wanted to find something terrible. 45 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:41,800 He was a great man, but I kept thinking maybe I would find 46 00:02:41,800 --> 00:02:44,760 something. I think I wanted to be angry 47 00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:48,840 instead of sad. I get that actually. 48 00:02:48,840 --> 00:02:57,160 I did go through his emails, you know, out of curiosity, not 49 00:02:57,160 --> 00:03:01,520 necessarily because I thought there was something to find, but 50 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:05,440 second family I right. Right, I did the same thing but. 51 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:07,800 But I get that I. Understand. 52 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:10,560 Maybe I should be more worried I didn't have access to my 53 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:12,440 husband's. Even in death. 54 00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:17,920 No, what happened was we were we were going to get one password 55 00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:19,800 when he died. We were getting all of that 56 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:23,920 changed over because we were moving the upstairs office to 57 00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:26,720 downstairs. So it was all really a big fat 58 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:28,680 mess. And so it took a neighbor to 59 00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:31,280 help me to get into a lot of the other things. 60 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:33,640 But it was a work computer, so they. 61 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,240 Took it. Yeah, they took it. 62 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:36,440 So I didn't. I never did. 63 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:38,320 Get to no hit. Oh, wow. 64 00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,680 So I was kind of wishing I had, but I did always kind of think 65 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:43,120 about, I wonder if there was somebody out there, even though 66 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:46,200 I really knew it was. Working or because. 67 00:03:46,200 --> 00:03:51,120 He emailed you from his work like he you had personal emails 68 00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:54,480 with him right from work. Not law. 69 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:57,720 He was only at his new job for a month though, so it went long. 70 00:03:57,760 --> 00:03:59,760 What about his phone? Did you go through his phone? 71 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:01,000 I. Didn't have the passcode to that 72 00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:01,800 either. What? 73 00:04:01,800 --> 00:04:03,840 But eventually you get the passcode. 74 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:07,520 How? Well, you call Apple or whatever 75 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:08,920 you. Can't do that well. 76 00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:12,280 And I mean, you have to go in mind, this was 13 years ago and 77 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:14,400 you don't have that never got access. 78 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:16,399 No. So any pictures that he had on 79 00:04:16,399 --> 00:04:18,519 his phone or? Everything, fortunately, was all 80 00:04:18,519 --> 00:04:20,600 on the computer, so all of it was it. 81 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:21,920 Was like kind of the beginning ours. 82 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:24,920 Was connected yes, 13 years ago, long time I. 83 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:27,840 Never saw Frank's phone again. Yeah, obviously we were in a 84 00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:30,640 fiery crowd. Oh, and then it was weeks before 85 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:32,760 you were really even coherent. Right. 86 00:04:32,760 --> 00:04:36,640 I remember there was a lot of commotion around passwords, and 87 00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:39,760 I mean, I can still get into his e-mail now, but it was a lot of 88 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:43,760 work stuff, to be honest. I mean, yeah, it was a lot of 89 00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:44,400 work stuff. Yeah. 90 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:46,320 I didn't find anything juicy as you. 91 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:49,240 Yeah. And I love what they said about 92 00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:52,840 what was that last part I I think I wanted to be angry 93 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:55,800 instead of sad. Yeah, the emotional exchange 94 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:58,200 that she was looking for. Right I I understand that, 95 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,960 especially in the grief brain early on. 96 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:03,240 Yeah, trying to find some kind of flaw. 97 00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:09,280 Yeah, to to deflect from the real pain. 98 00:05:09,280 --> 00:05:14,360 Yeah, and the reality of losing the the person that, you know, 99 00:05:14,360 --> 00:05:18,200 she knew he was exactly an amazing person who didn't. 100 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:20,960 Yeah, to to then. Skeletons. 101 00:05:21,120 --> 00:05:25,000 Right, to maybe find like, oh wait, he wasn't everything that 102 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:26,880 I thought so good. Glad he's gone. 103 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:28,320 Yeah. Yeah. 104 00:05:28,800 --> 00:05:31,240 Well, thank you for sharing that, whoever it was. 105 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:35,960 I didn't put names on there. For obvious reasons. 106 00:05:36,040 --> 00:05:37,800 Right. But I mean even I thought about 107 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:40,800 even putting the first name and then I was like for obvious. 108 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:43,000 Especially if it's a different kind of name that. 109 00:05:43,080 --> 00:05:46,800 Would OK widow confessions When my husband died our daughter was 110 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:49,200 6. She was our only child and a 111 00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:52,360 daddy's girl. My grief manifested into anger. 112 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:56,480 Oh both anger things. My grief manifested into anger 113 00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:59,960 towards her. I was supposed to be consoling 114 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:04,000 her, protecting her, but instead I found myself angry that she 115 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:07,440 was here and he wasn't. Oh well, I didn't want to raise 116 00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:10,200 her without him. He was the natural parent. 117 00:06:10,200 --> 00:06:13,360 I had to work at it. The shame I felt for feeling 118 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:16,480 that way was almost worse than the grief of losing my husband. 119 00:06:16,880 --> 00:06:19,560 I no longer feel this way towards my daughter but cannot 120 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:22,000 seem to forgive myself for not being there for her when she 121 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:27,400 needed me the most. God had to be really tough to to 122 00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:29,000 write. Thank you for that. 123 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:33,320 Yeah, that's hard. I appreciate the honesty because 124 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:38,480 I think that everybody, I mean, that's the reason why grief's so 125 00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:43,840 messy and I'm no maid because it, there is no, nobody does it 126 00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:46,440 the same and none of it's really right or wrong. 127 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,800 It just is. And so I'm learning to like 128 00:06:48,840 --> 00:06:53,120 accept that when you're having that feeling, just ride through 129 00:06:53,120 --> 00:06:55,000 it. And and that's that's tough 130 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:57,600 though. I wonder if maybe it's not that 131 00:06:57,600 --> 00:07:01,280 she didn't want her daughter to be here necessarily, it was just 132 00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:04,840 that she wanted her husband here to help her be a parent because 133 00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:08,040 she didn't feel confident. In. 134 00:07:08,360 --> 00:07:10,360 In her. Parents, is she like kind of 135 00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:14,400 jealous that the husband had? A daddy's girl. 136 00:07:14,400 --> 00:07:18,520 Or a relationship maybe. I mean, honestly, I mean, it's 137 00:07:18,520 --> 00:07:22,160 completely different because I'm was grown when my dad died. 138 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:29,280 But there was a time when my mom like had a bit, she expressed 139 00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:35,160 sorry, mom, a bit of jealousy because I was, I was a daddy's 140 00:07:35,160 --> 00:07:38,200 girl. And yeah, it's not the same at 141 00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,400 all. But that it is kind of the same, 142 00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:42,400 I mean all. Of these feelings too, yeah, 143 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:44,800 They're not rational feelings, they just are. 144 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:48,120 Yeah, but they're, but they're valid because they're there. 145 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:52,920 I I feel like to, you know, a lot of people, they end up 146 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:57,680 having a family and having kids because maybe they see that in 147 00:07:57,680 --> 00:07:59,520 their partner, right? That their partner is going to 148 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:05,600 be a great parent and maybe they're not so inclined or it's 149 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:08,600 harder for them. But, you know, and then the 150 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:11,120 father and the daughter had this amazing connection. 151 00:08:11,120 --> 00:08:13,440 And then, yeah, I mean, I could totally get the resentment 152 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:14,920 there. You're just like, Oh my gosh, I 153 00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,360 didn't sign up for this, right. To do this by myself. 154 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:19,120 Yeah. The good news, though, to that 155 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:24,120 person who wrote in is when kids are little, I mean, I definitely 156 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:28,960 yelled at my kids more than I needed to after my husband died 157 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,680 because I had nowhere to go with my anger. 158 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:33,240 And I think, you know, you can make up for it. 159 00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:36,480 You can, you know, realize that like you have to get a control 160 00:08:36,480 --> 00:08:39,240 of yourself and you can make up for it in the later years, 161 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:40,919 especially in the teenage years when they really. 162 00:08:40,919 --> 00:08:42,080 Need you. That's when I blew up. 163 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:44,400 That's when I blew up is in the teenage years. 164 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:48,080 I mean I literally got in one kids face and was like like 165 00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:51,280 screaming. And it was really more about the 166 00:08:51,280 --> 00:08:55,040 frustration of why am I here by myself dealing with this? 167 00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,520 This is something that the dad should be dealing with. 168 00:08:57,880 --> 00:08:59,880 Well, I think they need to know we're human too. 169 00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:01,680 I mean, right. I said that the other night. 170 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:04,560 He was like, you know, because I was being hard on myself for how 171 00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:07,800 I was feeling about some other family stuff. 172 00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:10,240 That's hard. And he was like, but you're 173 00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:12,160 human, mom. That's just part of it. 174 00:09:12,360 --> 00:09:14,120 You're right. I appreciate that this person 175 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:18,200 wrote in and was so real, because that's a hard thing. 176 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:19,200 Yeah, that's. A hard one. 177 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:22,160 And and that's what she's saying is she's struggling now with the 178 00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:26,800 guilt of ever having any of those feelings at all. 179 00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:29,160 All right, Kira. Oh OK. 180 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:33,160 My confession is that I don't want to acknowledge my husband's 181 00:09:33,400 --> 00:09:36,040 death day. People are kind and want to say 182 00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:38,800 they are thinking about me, but I would like to get through the 183 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:41,360 day not even realizing that it was the day he died. 184 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:44,720 Instead I spend the day thanking people for reminding me I hate 185 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:48,360 it. I can totally relate to this 186 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:49,800 one. The first year. 187 00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:53,400 I'm think I've mentioned this in other episodes, but the very 188 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:58,080 first year, first year anniversary after Frank's death 189 00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,920 of the day of the accident landed on Father's Day. 190 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:03,880 So it was literally like the anniversary of the death 191 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:08,240 Father's Day, June 21st that year. 192 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:12,720 And it was awful. And I remember every year since 193 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:18,000 I made a conscious decision to really celebrate his birthday, 194 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:21,160 which is just a few weeks before his birthday is June 11th. 195 00:10:21,480 --> 00:10:24,840 So that's when the kids and I kind of think about him, talk 196 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:27,720 about him, celebrate him on his birthday. 197 00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:31,200 And then the 21st is just kind of a day that we get through. 198 00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:37,080 It's really not something that we try that I try to emphasize. 199 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:39,360 No, I know I. So I can totally relate to this. 200 00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:41,640 Person and you were like it's just another day. 201 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:46,720 That's the hard part, right? And maybe as widows, or for me 202 00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:50,120 anyway, I need to be clear with my friends and family what I 203 00:10:50,120 --> 00:10:55,960 would like because like with you, Kira, I, I didn't want to 204 00:10:55,960 --> 00:11:00,640 not acknowledge because I didn't want you to think that nobody 205 00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:03,760 was supporting you. But at the same time, you're 206 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,680 also like, shit, you know who wants about it? 207 00:11:07,040 --> 00:11:09,600 I'm not angry with the, I understand that. 208 00:11:09,600 --> 00:11:12,360 Listen, I'm part of pulling, but I'm not angry with the people 209 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:13,600 that acknowledge. I mean, people were 210 00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:14,600 acknowledged. No, it's so. 211 00:11:14,960 --> 00:11:17,080 Fortunately, I was on a beach. I didn't have a lot of 212 00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:18,600 reception, so I was kind of like. 213 00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,120 Yeah, I got a cute peek at your toes. 214 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:23,480 People are reaching out, but I'm on the beach so I can't really 215 00:11:23,480 --> 00:11:25,280 isn't right now. I'm too busy. 216 00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:31,560 But no, I I'm not as like, but I get this person for sure I. 217 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:36,640 Like hearing, I mean, I do not want to acknowledge the day, but 218 00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:42,040 I'm, I like hearing from people because I'm I'm thinking about 219 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:44,480 it. I don't mind if people do. 220 00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:47,800 I kind of wish people didn't think 13 years later that I'm 221 00:11:47,800 --> 00:11:50,080 still just living my best life. Yeah, and I. 222 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:53,840 It's interesting, like you kind of want things and I've been 223 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:55,560 going through some stuff this week with. 224 00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:57,880 Really. Would you care to confess? 225 00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:02,120 Well, I did that interview with that and that brought a lot of 226 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:05,600 stuff up. And I don't know, it's just 227 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:08,480 interesting. You think like, wow, it's been 228 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:11,920 this long and I don't know, things come up. 229 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:14,200 OK, my confession. Yeah, let's. 230 00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:17,280 This isn't that juicy though. They don't have to be juicy, 231 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:18,320 they just have to be honest. They. 232 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:21,120 Just have to be real. Well, I found it interesting 233 00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:25,520 because I had an interview with the woman from Texas Tech that's 234 00:12:25,520 --> 00:12:29,360 doing like Texas Tech now. Like what are people doing now? 235 00:12:29,880 --> 00:12:31,480 I. Because you guys both went to 236 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,760 Texas Tech, I'm just reminding our viewers together and that's 237 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:37,160 when we met. We met at Texas Tech in design 238 00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:46,120 school and so I googled setup design company and I realized I 239 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:49,520 closed it all down. I guess I didn't really 100% 240 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:52,720 realize it. And I was like, oh, it's gone. 241 00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:58,640 Then I found his obituary and then I was like, like spiraling 242 00:12:58,640 --> 00:13:04,200 down and I Scroll down and I'm reading all these comments from 243 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,400 people. OK, this is my confession. 244 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:10,840 It's been over seven years and I never read any of the comments 245 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:14,120 people put on the I guess it's. On the online. 246 00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:18,160 Legacy game. And I was like, Oh my God, this 247 00:13:18,160 --> 00:13:23,160 is so nice. I mean, and I just like it was 248 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,680 heavy. It was really heavy. 249 00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:29,520 And a lot of, a lot of, I mean, some family member, like 250 00:13:30,320 --> 00:13:33,520 extended family members that I don't really talk to. 251 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:37,080 I'm like, oh, they were thinking of me, right? 252 00:13:37,080 --> 00:13:39,520 Right. And a lot of Toby's colleagues 253 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:43,080 that I was like, oh, that's so nice. 254 00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:46,640 There's so much you miss in the fog, especially if it's sudden 255 00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:48,760 death, like all of us were sudden death. 256 00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:54,720 So, you know, I sometimes if I'm, I watched a video one time 257 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:58,760 of the funeral one time and it took almost 11 years to do it. 258 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,560 And I saw people there that was, I didn't even know they were 259 00:14:01,560 --> 00:14:02,960 there. Like that was weird. 260 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:05,280 And then the pumpkin patch and all, I saw them all coming out 261 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:06,680 of that. So that kind of made me laugh a 262 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,360 little bit. But I think it's a weird feeling 263 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:12,400 because it kind of the some of the people I was most mad at, 264 00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:13,960 they were there. I was like. 265 00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:16,960 OK, well I know. And I kind of so I have one 266 00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:19,200 person. I was like, Oh my God, I just 267 00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:20,760 thought they never thought of me. 268 00:14:20,760 --> 00:14:22,960 And they wrote this really nice message on there. 269 00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:29,880 But note to listeners like don't like just write on the Funeral 270 00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:37,120 Home website because right? Yeah, send a note or something 271 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:38,680 because you're not getting on that website. 272 00:14:38,840 --> 00:14:41,560 No, I mean seven years later I did. 273 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:44,560 Right. But do you guys ever this is 274 00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:48,360 this is a confession for me, I guess I will because Facebook 275 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:50,160 will give you the memories, right? 276 00:14:50,160 --> 00:14:55,000 And so around when Hunter died, I posted something on Facebook 277 00:14:55,000 --> 00:15:00,360 letting everybody know. And I will go and read every 278 00:15:00,360 --> 00:15:03,960 comment every year. I will go through it sometimes 279 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:06,880 twice. Like I will read it all once and 280 00:15:06,880 --> 00:15:08,640 then I'll go around and read it all. 281 00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:10,520 Again, I don't think there's anything wrong with. 282 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:12,960 That I don't remember you're. What, seven years in? 283 00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:15,880 Yeah, it'll be 7 in October. Thing in there, but I still see 284 00:15:15,880 --> 00:15:19,200 some of the old stuff and I don't know, I can't go there. 285 00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:21,440 I do have a funny one. Y'all want to hear about you 286 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:24,400 because it just based off that what you said earlier. 287 00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,680 So the legacy y'all know about this? 288 00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:30,440 But the legacy thing was funny because I did look at it and 289 00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:33,000 flat and one of the guys on there I was like, oh he's so 290 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,800 annoying. I work for him at Vignette, and 291 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:39,680 then I go out with him years later. 292 00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:42,240 Yeah, I'm talking about Yeah, he's. 293 00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:45,760 So annoying. And I thought he was adorable 294 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:48,000 then. Well, it was and I won't get the 295 00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:50,840 quote right, but when we had JJ Elliott on and she was talking 296 00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:53,440 about her book, there are no rules for this. 297 00:15:54,400 --> 00:16:00,800 The the the friend of the mother who died by suicide was talking 298 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:05,240 to that woman's daughter and saying, I can't bring your mom 299 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:09,520 back, but I can tell you about her and I can share stories. 300 00:16:09,520 --> 00:16:13,800 I'm getting chills right now that that bring that person back 301 00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,360 to you. You know, so our our guys aren't 302 00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:21,440 going to be brought back to life, but these stories that 303 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:27,480 people share are so such a gift because it does bring them back 304 00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,560 to life for a moment. So. 305 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:33,000 That's why I hate when people stop talking about them because 306 00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:36,880 people think as because you're pretty far into when you're 10 307 00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:39,800 years, 13. People don't bring them up 308 00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:41,800 anymore. And so many parts of my life 309 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,600 don't even know him. They don't. 310 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:47,480 They only know me as the single. Widow thing as we go into 311 00:16:47,480 --> 00:16:51,480 different phases of our lives. Yeah, they don't know. 312 00:16:51,640 --> 00:16:55,800 And I don't really want to be seen as a widow anymore as out 313 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,360 in the world, like I don't need them to know that I'm a widow. 314 00:16:58,360 --> 00:17:00,400 I don't have the widow to. Rest like you do because. 315 00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:06,000 I'm so far in but I do want them to acknowledge him and tell me 316 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:10,000 stories about him and there's only a certain amount of people 317 00:17:10,000 --> 00:17:15,000 that know know. I had someone just yesterday who 318 00:17:15,079 --> 00:17:19,520 I'm not upset about it but ran into them. 319 00:17:19,520 --> 00:17:21,920 Is this the people are gross situation? 320 00:17:22,359 --> 00:17:28,359 Ran into them in a store and they never knew Frank right but 321 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:34,480 referred to him as my ex or said something like oh didn't your 322 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:37,320 ex, you know, go to school and you. 323 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,640 Grab your back throat and you're like, let me tell you something 324 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:40,840 lady. I said. 325 00:17:40,840 --> 00:17:43,840 I said my late husband went to Darden. 326 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:46,080 I mean, it's not even someone I know that well. 327 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:49,160 But hold on, what was their response when you said my late 328 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:50,880 husband? Did they even understand it? 329 00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:51,520 She. Didn't really. 330 00:17:52,200 --> 00:17:54,200 That's when you grabbed the throat here When? 331 00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:57,200 We're off camera. I was more surprised that like, 332 00:17:57,200 --> 00:18:00,840 I made a point of correcting her, of course, whereas I feel 333 00:18:00,840 --> 00:18:04,240 like early days I wouldn't have stood. 334 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:07,960 I would have just let it slide. But now for some reason, 10 335 00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:11,120 years out, I'm like, Oh no, no, let me clarify again. 336 00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:15,280 Like she never knew him or never knew us together and really has 337 00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:18,800 only met my current partner. So it wasn't that big of a deal. 338 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:21,360 I was just kind of like, you know? 339 00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:22,960 But that's. Why my ex I? 340 00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:25,040 Got divorced, right? What are you talking about? 341 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:26,880 That's why I have widow's threats. 342 00:18:26,880 --> 00:18:33,800 I don't want anyone to assume look, divorce is horrible and I 343 00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:37,800 have several friends that have been traumatized by it, but that 344 00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:40,640 is a relationship that wasn't working. 345 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:43,320 My relationship was fucking working. 346 00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:47,560 So don't ever assume that it wasn't. 347 00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:52,280 And that's what I I also take. I don't know the right wording 348 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,880 for this, but like offense take offense if someone says well 349 00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:58,560 you're single. I I really, and maybe it's 350 00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:01,240 because I'm still and we've talked about this before. 351 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:04,320 I don't know if it was on camera or not, but maybe I'm too 352 00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:08,760 attached to the widow title. But don't call me single. 353 00:19:09,320 --> 00:19:13,960 I'm I'm a widow and yes I'm dating but. 354 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:17,480 And by the way. I am single. 355 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:19,400 But yeah guys, anyway. I'm. 356 00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:24,760 Single Whitney. Like but I just like single and 357 00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:27,480 and and divorce. Those are words that don't. 358 00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:30,240 Really want to be any of those titles, right? 359 00:19:30,240 --> 00:19:32,680 But I can't do anything about it. 360 00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:35,800 Yeah, it is what it is. All right, let's draw. 361 00:19:36,040 --> 00:19:38,360 Lady, let's go. Let's send this baby. 362 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:42,120 I feel I'm feeling kind of juicy myself today. 363 00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:49,920 When my husband died suddenly, he had just been to the bank so 364 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:52,560 his wallet had cash in it for weeks. 365 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:55,600 When the kids wanted money for something, I would say go get it 366 00:19:55,600 --> 00:19:58,800 from your dad. Even after the original cash was 367 00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:02,360 gone, I would put more money in there so I can keep doing it. 368 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,880 I'm sure my kids thought I was insane. 369 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:07,920 I love this. Person actually, I think that's 370 00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:10,560 amazing. It sounds like Whitney a little 371 00:20:10,560 --> 00:20:12,240 bit. I think it sounds like Whitney. 372 00:20:12,680 --> 00:20:16,080 It actually was my confession. I like I'm the dresser. 373 00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:17,200 Like I. Had Whitney. 374 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:21,680 Thanks a lot Lacey for. Outing me totally no, I did do 375 00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:24,960 it you guys it was and well your. 376 00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:27,520 Kids were a little older, too. They weren't sick. 377 00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:31,640 They were how? Old they were 11-12 and 14. 378 00:20:31,640 --> 00:20:36,040 So that's at an page where they knew it was you, but they loved 379 00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:37,080 this. It was a little fun they. 380 00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,280 Ever run out? They were like, how much are? 381 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:40,960 We talking about, you know, literally. 382 00:20:40,960 --> 00:20:44,080 Just thought that there was like, I don't know, $200 or 383 00:20:44,080 --> 00:20:45,200 something in there. I don't know. 384 00:20:45,680 --> 00:20:48,680 And, and it became like a mission for me. 385 00:20:48,680 --> 00:20:50,440 Like I was like, is the cash running low? 386 00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:54,520 I'm going to get, get some more cash because it was a way for me 387 00:20:54,520 --> 00:20:55,840 to keep him. That's. 388 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:59,560 Awesome. In the picture but I'm sure my 389 00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,240 kids were like what the fuck is going? 390 00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:03,920 On Mom, never. I feel like. 391 00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:05,160 Go. Get forever. 392 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:07,120 Ever go? Somebody your bedroom going, 393 00:21:07,120 --> 00:21:10,480 Mom's losing it like. But it's funny, I think it's, I 394 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,320 think we all do like. We don't know anyone else. 395 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:15,280 Is that disturbed? No joke. 396 00:21:15,480 --> 00:21:19,200 Hilarious, but you know, money. Did y'all ever so a confession? 397 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:20,000 I have. I don't know if it's a 398 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:24,520 confession, but at one point, I mean, I went through a lot of 399 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:26,760 surgeries. My parents lived with me. 400 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:29,640 I didn't have very much freedom, couldn't drive for a while. 401 00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:34,360 But at one point I remember the kids are all at school. 402 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:38,840 I go down to the mall. To. 403 00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:41,000 Buy something. I just remember. 404 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:45,240 I mean, when Frank was alive, it wasn't like he was stingy, but 405 00:21:45,240 --> 00:21:48,400 he was more like, you know, probably hunger with the budget. 406 00:21:48,400 --> 00:21:50,120 And then what? I mean, Evan wasn't just rolling 407 00:21:50,120 --> 00:21:52,280 in with like shopping bags, you know, without him being like, 408 00:21:52,280 --> 00:21:55,720 what's going on, right? And so I remember the first time 409 00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:59,280 kind of going shopping and feeling like. 410 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:01,000 He was dead. There's nobody looking over my 411 00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:02,160 shoulder. Yes, nobody. 412 00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:05,000 I just walk in my house with my purchases. 413 00:22:05,000 --> 00:22:08,080 Yeah, you don't have to. I'm not hiding like Hock you in 414 00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:10,440 the car and sneaking them in later or. 415 00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:13,000 You know, yeah, yeah. It's, I don't know, it's a 416 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:14,800 stupid thing, but it made me think no. 417 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:17,480 Money. I do the Oh I have done the 418 00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:19,440 same. Thing my friend Kelly just said 419 00:22:19,440 --> 00:22:23,000 a meme with a Kitty cat that was like this is me and it had like 420 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:25,600 all kinds of bags that said go into the bedroom to hide 421 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:28,280 everything out of the bed because her husband's very 422 00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,480 haven't you had. Girlfriends that are like, oh, 423 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:32,840 you didn't text Mark and see if I can buy this? 424 00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:39,840 Like, that was sort of freeing. Yeah, just appreciating, you 425 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:42,680 know, the freedom of it, which, you know, of course you'd rather 426 00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:45,120 have it the other way around. You wouldn't want, I'd rather be 427 00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:47,920 sneaking the bags in, sure. And then just walk in the door 428 00:22:47,920 --> 00:22:50,600 and be like, well, I guess I'm okay. 429 00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:54,640 Yeah, you're like. They call it secondary gains. 430 00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:58,520 So like you, I could do whatever I wanted and not have to be like 431 00:22:58,520 --> 00:23:00,840 he didn't want me to buy the dead animal rug on the floor. 432 00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:03,240 He said no, I don't like that the cowhide looks weird. 433 00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:05,240 And So what did I do? As soon as he died the week 434 00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:07,080 later I went bought it and put it on the floor. 435 00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:08,960 That was like, you know what? You're not here. 436 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:10,480 You making me mad because you're not here. 437 00:23:10,480 --> 00:23:13,080 And that's what my doesn't make sense. 438 00:23:13,080 --> 00:23:17,800 But I was angry at him for leaving me with a six year old. 439 00:23:17,800 --> 00:23:20,440 And I was like, really? I was just getting back to my 440 00:23:20,440 --> 00:23:22,320 career. I was just getting back to doing 441 00:23:22,320 --> 00:23:24,800 the things I love and now? So you're like, I'm going to 442 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:27,160 show you and buy this dead animal, right? 443 00:23:27,160 --> 00:23:29,960 That's right, I'm putting that cowhide on that floor. 444 00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:32,760 My life is good. For the most part I am happy. 445 00:23:32,760 --> 00:23:35,480 But when grief creeps in, it makes me want to fuck it up. 446 00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:40,920 I lean towards bad decisions, more spending, wrong men, more 447 00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:43,480 drinks, whatever it takes to numb the loneliness. 448 00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:46,040 I like this person. That's literally what we I. 449 00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:47,800 Think. We've all done a little bit of 450 00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:52,040 all of those things. I've definitely indulged in so 451 00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:54,320 many ways because you're just trying to like. 452 00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:57,240 Spending money is and drinking but. 453 00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:01,080 More is everybody's like, go to like, what did you do to kind of 454 00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:03,320 make yourself feel better? Everybody has something. 455 00:24:11,200 --> 00:24:17,280 I mean, if I'm going to be honest, I spent, I, I first of 456 00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:23,640 all said fuck the budget. But then the other thing is, I 457 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:32,640 was having fun going out looking for people to, you know, connect 458 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:35,600 with and. I think that's kind of common 459 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,000 for a lot of people, particularly if you've been 460 00:24:37,000 --> 00:24:39,120 together for a super long. I found that people that were 461 00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:42,560 together a super long time were more interested in that than 462 00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:44,480 people who it was more recent. Right. 463 00:24:44,480 --> 00:24:47,640 But it's really, it was really more about like what that person 464 00:24:47,640 --> 00:24:49,440 is saying. What was it like? 465 00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:52,640 More spending, wrong men, more drinks, whatever it takes to 466 00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:56,680 numb the loneliness. Yeah, it really was more about 467 00:24:56,680 --> 00:24:58,920 numbing, and I had a good friend. 468 00:24:58,920 --> 00:25:01,920 We grew up together well from freshman year in high school. 469 00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:05,760 One of my best friends and her husband died a year after Hunter 470 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:08,960 and we would talk and she'd be like, I'm just spending money, 471 00:25:08,960 --> 00:25:13,480 like I, I can't stop. It becomes a weird addiction 472 00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:19,280 because it gives you that hit that keeps the the sadness or 473 00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:23,080 the grief at Bay for one moment. Well, and you're kind of like, 474 00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:26,160 you know, fuck it, you don't know what's going to happen 475 00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:28,480 tomorrow, so I'm going to book the trip. 476 00:25:28,760 --> 00:25:30,440 Right. And I could be dead tomorrow, 477 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:31,200 right? You know. 478 00:25:31,520 --> 00:25:34,120 We. Talked about the travel and 479 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:36,760 taking the kids on extravagant trip, Yeah. 480 00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:39,560 I think that's why we have like Roger Brooks is our sponsor 481 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:44,040 because I believe like he because when people come into 482 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:46,600 their life insurance, it's a lump sum of money and he's 483 00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:49,600 trying to help them be careful with it because yeah, it's 484 00:25:49,600 --> 00:25:51,760 pretty easy to go. You know what, There's no one to 485 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:53,040 answer. I'm going to do the trip. 486 00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:54,440 I'm going to do this and you and it's. 487 00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,120 A No. Matter what it is, it's still 488 00:25:57,120 --> 00:25:58,880 more than you've had before, right? 489 00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:01,200 It's more of a lump sum than you've ever had before. 490 00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:05,880 So you even if it's 100,000 or whatever, whatever it's that's 491 00:26:05,880 --> 00:26:09,160 why I think he's there to kind of help you rein it in and go, 492 00:26:09,160 --> 00:26:12,120 OK, you can have a little bit of fun, but let's try to be 493 00:26:12,120 --> 00:26:15,440 responsible. My financial advisor gives me 494 00:26:15,440 --> 00:26:20,080 that this is the projectory projectory trajectory. 495 00:26:20,080 --> 00:26:22,400 Thank you. I knew it was wrong, you know? 496 00:26:22,640 --> 00:26:24,200 It's wine for. Projection. 497 00:26:24,240 --> 00:26:28,040 It's the visual of your. Blind guys, Yeah, exactly. 498 00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:30,560 I I've just created a new word projectory. 499 00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:37,960 I like it, but it gives me that, that view of OK, if I keep 500 00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:40,720 spending the way that I'm spending, then I run out at this 501 00:26:40,720 --> 00:26:44,440 time or this time. So that that's definitely 502 00:26:44,440 --> 00:26:48,080 helpful. For me, the filling of the void 503 00:26:48,080 --> 00:26:50,760 or which in my brain I was like, I'm just filling the void. 504 00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:54,320 I'm filling the void. It vacillated between, you know, 505 00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:58,520 really good things like mega exercise and eating super 506 00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:03,160 healthy and, you know, that kind of thing, taking a million 507 00:27:03,160 --> 00:27:07,680 thousand supplements because a lot of stuff that happened to my 508 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:11,000 body. And so I was trying to, I was 509 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,680 seeing a nutritionist and I was seeing people that were like, 510 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:16,720 you know, I had two bowel resections. 511 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:18,880 So it was like I was like, what can I eat? 512 00:27:18,880 --> 00:27:22,040 What can I drink? But so for me, it vacillated 513 00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:25,920 between that, like being hardcore healthy and then 514 00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:31,480 indulging in, you know, just, you know, going out a lot, 515 00:27:32,400 --> 00:27:36,120 drinking too much probably at times, definitely, you know, 516 00:27:36,280 --> 00:27:40,280 seeking a, you know, some connection with men, even though 517 00:27:40,280 --> 00:27:43,160 you knew it wasn't really the one, you know, just kind of 518 00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:45,200 like, can we just have dinner and snuggle? 519 00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:50,000 Just things that like you missed, you know, in your 520 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:53,160 partnership. You're just trying to make it. 521 00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:54,560 You're just trying to make it. I don't. 522 00:27:54,560 --> 00:27:56,080 Think everybody handles it different. 523 00:27:56,080 --> 00:27:58,880 It was that one. Thing for me, it was kind of all 524 00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:00,720 things and it right. And I think that's what that 525 00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:02,760 person. Was saying worth it all right 526 00:28:02,800 --> 00:28:04,280 too. And it wasn't all bad. 527 00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:07,200 Some of it was really amazing, you know, good like. 528 00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:10,840 I mean, it's why you can't judge when you meet with people, but 529 00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:14,400 you can say, you know, you might want to think about like, you 530 00:28:14,400 --> 00:28:17,400 know, long term how that makes you feel. 531 00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:19,280 Yeah. Maybe put your band back on when 532 00:28:19,280 --> 00:28:22,800 it's like, you know, that's why we had Doctor Gofrani. 533 00:28:22,960 --> 00:28:23,520 Love. No love. 534 00:28:23,920 --> 00:28:27,040 It was good to have her on you so that these women, when 535 00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:30,760 they're making that step, it's not worth it to be, you know, 536 00:28:30,960 --> 00:28:31,840 crazy. But. 537 00:28:33,840 --> 00:28:35,720 All right, everyone, we still have. 538 00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:37,360 Some left, I want to read one more. 539 00:28:37,360 --> 00:28:40,120 All right, Keira's going to. This little skinny one, right? 540 00:28:40,120 --> 00:28:41,160 Here, Whitney needs to go to the. 541 00:28:41,160 --> 00:28:44,080 Bathroom. I have a small bladder, you 542 00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:46,320 guys. My confessions. 543 00:28:46,320 --> 00:28:49,680 Two months after my husband died, I started a two year 544 00:28:49,680 --> 00:28:53,680 affair with one of his best friends who was newly separated. 545 00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:56,600 It was exciting and honestly I don't regret it. 546 00:28:56,800 --> 00:29:01,200 But I recognize now that and there's no more left. 547 00:29:02,200 --> 00:29:04,040 Oh. Recognize that. 548 00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:06,000 We can't talk about it. And. 549 00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:07,960 Finish the phrase. Well. 550 00:29:07,960 --> 00:29:11,320 And was it the familiar? How do you say that? 551 00:29:11,400 --> 00:29:18,360 Say it for me, like feeling close to maybe the husband. 552 00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:20,200 I don't know. I don't know. 553 00:29:20,200 --> 00:29:22,680 I didn't want to date anybody for five years. 554 00:29:22,680 --> 00:29:24,840 So kind. Of like J JS book title for 555 00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:26,520 this. There are no rules for this if 556 00:29:26,520 --> 00:29:29,200 you'd. Like to go back and listen to 557 00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:31,520 that episode this. Needs to be revisited though 558 00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:35,440 because you did something similar. 559 00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:42,800 I did and I also not a friend of my husband's but I went back to 560 00:29:42,800 --> 00:29:46,640 an ex, an old boyfriend comfort. Some. 561 00:29:46,680 --> 00:29:50,520 Weird and I wish I had someone comforting like that. 562 00:29:50,520 --> 00:29:52,480 Yeah, did y'all get that message? 563 00:29:52,480 --> 00:29:56,480 Listen everyone, I don't regret mine and I'm super grateful for 564 00:29:56,480 --> 00:29:59,000 it as we really helped each other out in a tough time. 565 00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:01,040 You're grateful for that old boyfriend, that. 566 00:30:01,080 --> 00:30:03,240 Yeah, for sure. Honestly, I'm not going to beat 567 00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:05,880 myself up over it. Don't beat yourself up. 568 00:30:06,120 --> 00:30:09,560 Over. The past is in the past. 569 00:30:09,680 --> 00:30:12,200 I think you and I are. We're fine with the I'm. 570 00:30:12,200 --> 00:30:14,000 Cool with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 571 00:30:14,200 --> 00:30:17,160 Look, the truth is it's just like what that other person said 572 00:30:17,160 --> 00:30:20,200 with the with the bad decisions or whatever, you get this 573 00:30:20,200 --> 00:30:24,600 mentality of fuck it, you're like, fuck it, I want this, this 574 00:30:24,600 --> 00:30:28,920 feels good. And also in my circumstance, 575 00:30:29,240 --> 00:30:35,040 this person helped me, helped me navigate business things, helped 576 00:30:35,040 --> 00:30:38,840 me navigate children things, helped me navigate family 577 00:30:38,840 --> 00:30:41,280 things. Because a lot of people don't 578 00:30:41,280 --> 00:30:45,000 know, but at the time that my husband died, I also was dealing 579 00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:48,480 with a lot of addiction and, and alcohol. 580 00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:51,960 Well, it's all addiction related issues within my family. 581 00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:56,200 And I became the point person. So not only was I trying to 582 00:30:56,200 --> 00:30:59,880 grieve my husband and deal with my kids, I was trying to protect 583 00:30:59,880 --> 00:31:04,480 my my whole family and set up boundaries and become the 584 00:31:04,480 --> 00:31:06,320 gatekeeper that Hunter had always been. 585 00:31:06,320 --> 00:31:12,280 So to have another person in the mix that knew about this stuff 586 00:31:12,680 --> 00:31:16,480 and knew how Hunter thought. Had some compassion and had. 587 00:31:16,480 --> 00:31:22,080 Compassion and love and, but really what it is for me, what 588 00:31:22,160 --> 00:31:27,920 it was, what it what it was for me was that this person knew my 589 00:31:27,920 --> 00:31:35,120 husband so well that I felt in a way he was the surrogate. 590 00:31:35,480 --> 00:31:38,560 Would that be the right word? He was the substitute husband. 591 00:31:38,560 --> 00:31:41,080 Like I could be like, what do you think Hunter would have done 592 00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:43,360 or what do you think? And he would know. 593 00:31:43,800 --> 00:31:46,520 Well, interestingly enough, there's a girl from Mississippi 594 00:31:46,520 --> 00:31:49,440 who married her late husband's best friend. 595 00:31:49,440 --> 00:31:52,560 I know it wasn't right away and it's been years, but still. 596 00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:56,200 But even I don't think it, I don't think it's uncommon that 597 00:31:56,200 --> 00:32:00,200 I, that a friend comes into the picture. 598 00:32:00,200 --> 00:32:02,640 I think it's funny, everybody like I was repulsed by the 599 00:32:02,640 --> 00:32:04,600 thought of dating. It took three years. 600 00:32:04,640 --> 00:32:06,760 I went on one day and then it took three years after that. 601 00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:08,360 I was like, just the thought of it. 602 00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:11,600 I was the same way. Yeah, it's funny how everybody. 603 00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:13,760 I was like, I'll never did, but here's the. 604 00:32:13,760 --> 00:32:15,880 Thing you guys and I can only talk about myself. 605 00:32:15,880 --> 00:32:17,400 And you get over. I was not. 606 00:32:17,840 --> 00:32:21,280 I was not in a mindset of like, OK, let's meet somebody, let's 607 00:32:21,280 --> 00:32:24,080 date. It just naturally happened. 608 00:32:24,080 --> 00:32:27,920 I was not out looking to date anyone. 609 00:32:28,240 --> 00:32:31,680 It was just a connection, an emotional connection. 610 00:32:31,960 --> 00:32:37,280 A lot of talking on the phone, a lot of helping me. 611 00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:43,840 That turned into something really special for a specific 612 00:32:44,680 --> 00:32:50,560 time frame. Who I am now would not want that 613 00:32:50,560 --> 00:32:54,440 person. But think about this 19 when you 614 00:32:54,440 --> 00:32:58,600 got together with your husband, that's a pretty big like, so I 615 00:32:58,600 --> 00:33:02,200 think people that's a big adjustment to be alone for 616 00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:05,640 somebody who I that's why I said if it had to happen to somebody, 617 00:33:05,640 --> 00:33:08,200 I think I was probably the most prepared to be alone because I 618 00:33:08,200 --> 00:33:10,920 do like to be alone a lot. I'm a weirdo. 619 00:33:11,120 --> 00:33:15,680 That way probably you had a very specific idea of who you were 620 00:33:15,920 --> 00:33:20,160 before your husband. I know for me, and I've been 621 00:33:20,160 --> 00:33:23,120 talking about this with the guy that I'm seeing, I don't know 622 00:33:23,120 --> 00:33:26,240 who I am. I don't who am I if I'm not 623 00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:29,520 Hunter's wife? Who am I if I'm not the mother 624 00:33:29,520 --> 00:33:32,920 of these three kids that are living in my house and and need 625 00:33:32,920 --> 00:33:35,160 me. And all of that has changed. 626 00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:39,880 Hunter's dead and my third kid is leaving the nest and now I am 627 00:33:39,880 --> 00:33:44,160 a completely different it's it's all different. 628 00:33:44,320 --> 00:33:52,760 And so being alone feels, in a way, it feels good because I 629 00:33:52,760 --> 00:33:56,080 need to figure it out. I want to be a whole person and 630 00:33:56,080 --> 00:34:00,200 I want the person that I attract to be a whole person and being. 631 00:34:00,200 --> 00:34:03,880 Alone has a lot of advantages. Yeah, yeah. 632 00:34:03,920 --> 00:34:05,760 I was reminded. I thought, oh, I hate empty 633 00:34:05,760 --> 00:34:06,400 nesting. I hate it. 634 00:34:06,400 --> 00:34:08,560 And when Ryder came home, we were laughing last night. 635 00:34:08,560 --> 00:34:10,520 He's like, yeah, I get thinking it might be kind of a good thing 636 00:34:10,520 --> 00:34:13,159 when I go back in the fall. I was like, yeah, this cooking 637 00:34:13,159 --> 00:34:14,960 clean thing sucks. That's hilarious. 638 00:34:15,080 --> 00:34:18,760 I like to be alone. So whoever I'm with will have to 639 00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:22,080 understand that I've only dated one person at A at a length of 640 00:34:22,080 --> 00:34:25,960 time and they didn't get that. They they took it as a I'm 641 00:34:25,960 --> 00:34:28,679 pushing them away. And it was really more this is 642 00:34:28,679 --> 00:34:32,480 really who I am. I can be very outgoing, but when 643 00:34:32,480 --> 00:34:35,400 I'm not, I am done. It's like I hit a wall and I'm 644 00:34:35,400 --> 00:34:37,360 over. Because the guy that I'm dating, 645 00:34:37,360 --> 00:34:41,080 I think maybe more like that that Amber Vert thing and I get 646 00:34:41,080 --> 00:34:43,440 my feelings hurt if he doesn't want to be with me. 647 00:34:45,360 --> 00:34:47,239 And just to we're going to end on this. 648 00:34:47,520 --> 00:34:52,679 Being alone doesn't mean lonely. There are moments when I feel 649 00:34:52,679 --> 00:34:55,920 lonely and I say I'm all alone. And the truth is I'm not alone. 650 00:34:55,920 --> 00:34:58,560 I could call any of you. I could call my family. 651 00:34:58,560 --> 00:35:00,800 There are people that I could call and have someone. 652 00:35:01,120 --> 00:35:06,560 I'm just feeling lonely in this moment, but I am not alone and 653 00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:09,400 my brain wants to make it all about you're alone and you're 654 00:35:09,400 --> 00:35:12,840 always going to be alone and get some more cats and da da da da 655 00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:14,600 da. And social media drives. 656 00:35:14,640 --> 00:35:17,280 I have no cats. And by the way, if you have 657 00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:19,400 cats, if you have cats, that's OK. 658 00:35:19,680 --> 00:35:23,960 So my daughter is. About to pop you guys so y'all 659 00:35:23,960 --> 00:35:28,160 can keep talking but I got to go to the thank. 660 00:35:28,200 --> 00:35:31,080 You for sticking with us through the widow confessions. 661 00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:34,560 That also took a turn into some weird shit but but. 662 00:35:34,760 --> 00:35:37,840 That's what we do. We're going to wrap it up We're. 663 00:35:37,960 --> 00:35:40,000 Going to wrap it up. But the podcast looks like 664 00:35:40,000 --> 00:35:41,480 Raptors wine. But look at. 665 00:35:41,760 --> 00:35:43,800 All signing off confessions. We still have. 666 00:35:43,880 --> 00:35:47,000 OK, we'll come back. To we will be right back. 667 00:35:47,000 --> 00:35:50,520 Imagine a financial partner who meets you exactly where you are, 668 00:35:50,760 --> 00:35:53,600 acknowledging your grief and taking the time to listen, 669 00:35:53,840 --> 00:35:56,800 empathize, and truly understand what matters to you. 670 00:35:57,440 --> 00:36:00,720 Strategic investment management can help you plan a course that 671 00:36:00,720 --> 00:36:03,400 honors your past while embracing your future. 672 00:36:04,120 --> 00:36:07,680 Whether you're worried about tax implications, paying off debt or 673 00:36:07,680 --> 00:36:11,000 stewarding your asset distributions, Rodger's team can 674 00:36:11,000 --> 00:36:13,920 make a plan that's aligned with your family's needs and goals. 675 00:36:14,400 --> 00:36:20,680 For more information, visit www.strategicim.com or give them 676 00:36:20,680 --> 00:36:31,160 a call at 512-341-9898. Again, that's 512-341-9898. 677 00:36:31,640 --> 00:36:33,160 Tell them you heard about them on every. 678 00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:35,080 Widow thing and now back to the show. 679 00:36:35,240 --> 00:36:37,280 Oh no, podcast with wine is like. 680 00:36:37,600 --> 00:36:42,080 All right, welcome back to Part 2 of Widow Confessions. 681 00:36:42,640 --> 00:36:45,960 But we hope you have a glass of wine because it's way more fun 682 00:36:45,960 --> 00:36:47,920 when you have a glass of wine in your hand. 683 00:36:47,920 --> 00:36:49,720 Unless you're, you know, in recovery. 684 00:36:49,720 --> 00:36:52,560 I mean, you don't have to. No, I mean, if you want, it's 685 00:36:52,560 --> 00:36:54,320 whatever you want. It's whatever you want. 686 00:36:54,320 --> 00:36:56,440 All right, Holly, it's your turn, OK? 687 00:36:57,280 --> 00:37:01,600 Here is my widow confession. Here's my widow confessions. 688 00:37:01,600 --> 00:37:05,640 When my husband died suddenly, there was a part of me that was 689 00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:08,520 relieved. We've been having problems for 690 00:37:08,520 --> 00:37:10,360 years. Nobody knew this. 691 00:37:10,720 --> 00:37:14,640 My grief is complicated because I'm both sad he's gone, but 692 00:37:14,640 --> 00:37:19,840 excited for the life I may have. Now I feel like a terrible 693 00:37:19,840 --> 00:37:25,120 person. You know, I recently heard from 694 00:37:25,120 --> 00:37:29,760 one of my friends, I was on a trip and she was talking about a 695 00:37:29,760 --> 00:37:31,440 widow. We both know her, but I don't 696 00:37:31,440 --> 00:37:34,760 know the person really well and her marriage was not in a good 697 00:37:34,760 --> 00:37:38,760 place. And so I think that'd be really 698 00:37:38,760 --> 00:37:41,560 hard, almost harder. Because how many people you 699 00:37:41,560 --> 00:37:43,480 can't fix it. Right. 700 00:37:43,560 --> 00:37:47,280 I mean, people, well, I'm acting as if we've all had this 701 00:37:47,280 --> 00:37:50,280 experience, but I've had at least one or two people jokingly 702 00:37:50,280 --> 00:37:52,400 be like, I wish my husband was dead. 703 00:37:52,560 --> 00:37:54,400 Oh, that happened in the hospital. 704 00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:56,120 The gross. Thing to say by the way they. 705 00:37:56,120 --> 00:37:59,520 Said that in the hospital. OK, so when after a little 706 00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:03,600 Toby's accident, after Toby died and Zach was in the hospital, a 707 00:38:03,880 --> 00:38:08,800 huge group of friends showed up and some of them were going 708 00:38:08,800 --> 00:38:12,640 through a divorce or about to or already did. 709 00:38:13,320 --> 00:38:18,200 And they were like, why Toby? Why wasn't it my husband or so 710 00:38:18,200 --> 00:38:18,760 and so so. Right. 711 00:38:18,760 --> 00:38:22,040 So it wasn't in a joking way. It was almost like, why did the 712 00:38:22,040 --> 00:38:23,720 good one get taken? Yeah. 713 00:38:23,720 --> 00:38:27,080 I had many, many people say that to me because they knew that I 714 00:38:27,080 --> 00:38:30,520 had a really great marriage. But I think that you can feel, 715 00:38:31,160 --> 00:38:33,320 you know, the person that wrote that in, I think that's super 716 00:38:33,320 --> 00:38:36,000 brave, by the way. But you can feel relief. 717 00:38:36,320 --> 00:38:39,720 I suspect she was feeling relief from the conflict. 718 00:38:40,000 --> 00:38:41,840 Of grace. Being removed from. 719 00:38:41,840 --> 00:38:45,760 Her life, right? You know, like, I remember, 720 00:38:45,760 --> 00:38:48,720 yeah. So I, I, I feel like I remember 721 00:38:48,720 --> 00:38:51,760 a lot of people also saying, you know, you and Frank had such a 722 00:38:51,760 --> 00:38:54,000 great marriage. And then maybe other people 723 00:38:54,000 --> 00:38:55,920 whose marriages weren't as strong and they're like, you 724 00:38:55,920 --> 00:38:58,520 know, it's so sad that it was Frank and it wasn't, you know, 725 00:38:58,520 --> 00:39:01,360 my relationship. But nobody really feels that 726 00:39:01,360 --> 00:39:02,080 way. And, yeah. 727 00:39:02,080 --> 00:39:04,120 Are we all right? So is it my widow? 728 00:39:04,160 --> 00:39:05,120 Confession. Who's next? 729 00:39:05,680 --> 00:39:06,200 Yeah. Right. 730 00:39:06,400 --> 00:39:10,480 OK, so my widow confession is that I have no idea what's going 731 00:39:10,480 --> 00:39:13,240 on in the world anymore. I don't listen to the news, I 732 00:39:13,240 --> 00:39:15,480 don't keep up with political information. 733 00:39:15,680 --> 00:39:20,320 I have no idea if there is war or weather or anything unless it 734 00:39:20,320 --> 00:39:24,160 shows up on my Instagram feed. It's been five years since my 735 00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:26,480 husband died. I should probably start paying 736 00:39:26,480 --> 00:39:28,000 attention, but I really don't care. 737 00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:31,480 I I disagree. Five years. 738 00:39:31,480 --> 00:39:35,200 Just keep your head in the sand. I mean that could I could have 739 00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:37,680 written that. And I can relate to that. 740 00:39:37,680 --> 00:39:41,800 Like the overload of information negativity. 741 00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:42,880 It's. Depressing for. 742 00:39:42,960 --> 00:39:46,960 Other traumas like that are going on in Gaza or, you know, 743 00:39:46,960 --> 00:39:48,600 it's like, are you, you know, our own? 744 00:39:48,680 --> 00:39:52,360 Political world, everything. I felt that way for a while too. 745 00:39:52,360 --> 00:39:55,280 And I don't think five years. I really, it's funny now that 746 00:39:55,280 --> 00:39:58,080 I'm at 10 years, I look at back back at five years and I'm like, 747 00:39:58,080 --> 00:40:02,400 oh, that was just the infancy of my, you know, trauma and grief. 748 00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:05,360 Like 05 years. That was like, I was just still 749 00:40:05,360 --> 00:40:09,320 crawling out of the whole like. Is sun out? 750 00:40:09,320 --> 00:40:12,680 Like, I mean, it's all perspective, right? 751 00:40:12,760 --> 00:40:16,960 But I totally get yourself up. If you're not, that's okay. 752 00:40:17,440 --> 00:40:21,640 I only keep up with the weather. I love the weather you. 753 00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:24,760 Do you love it? I think that was a weather 754 00:40:24,760 --> 00:40:26,480 person. Do you look at it in different 755 00:40:26,480 --> 00:40:29,080 cities or is it the weather in just Austin? 756 00:40:29,080 --> 00:40:31,440 Is it just here because it's just not boring? 757 00:40:31,520 --> 00:40:34,200 It's somewhere that I'm traveling to, no? 758 00:40:34,440 --> 00:40:37,560 Research. I will research if I love going. 759 00:40:37,640 --> 00:40:41,440 Somewhere in a few months. What's the weather like there? 760 00:40:41,440 --> 00:40:44,520 Don't you think that's also tied to like, what are my outfits 761 00:40:44,520 --> 00:40:45,920 going to look like when I get there? 762 00:40:46,000 --> 00:40:47,680 Well, what's the packing? What? 763 00:40:47,680 --> 00:40:51,760 Shoes am I packing and what outfits in my packing? 764 00:40:51,880 --> 00:40:54,360 You're right, you're right. But if there's a hurricane. 765 00:40:54,920 --> 00:40:56,480 I didn't even know about the hurricane. 766 00:40:56,480 --> 00:40:58,480 I mean, guys, that's embarrassing. 767 00:40:59,120 --> 00:41:01,840 Burl, Burl, is he funny? Burl. 768 00:41:02,200 --> 00:41:05,040 No Burl. I knew about it, Burl. 769 00:41:05,400 --> 00:41:08,640 Or is it or is it barrel? I I think it's. 770 00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:11,920 Burl BURLE or is it Burley? It's. 771 00:41:13,200 --> 00:41:15,600 It affected my flight so we ended up changing it. 772 00:41:16,040 --> 00:41:17,920 Yeah, he countered it. Yeah, I did. 773 00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:19,680 Disruptions. So you do have to. 774 00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:21,880 Know about the weather? You're right, you do have to 775 00:41:21,920 --> 00:41:23,320 know about it. So in. 776 00:41:23,360 --> 00:41:26,600 Honor of our. Friends that yes, sent her 777 00:41:26,600 --> 00:41:28,480 confession in. So what should she do? 778 00:41:28,560 --> 00:41:31,760 Well, that's what I'm saying. I would be like her, Like, well, 779 00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:34,720 I am. I'm like, I'm not following. 780 00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:36,840 Yeah. And then and then I think 781 00:41:36,840 --> 00:41:40,200 there's also that attitude early on where I was like, fuck it, I 782 00:41:40,200 --> 00:41:42,760 don't even care. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow 783 00:41:42,840 --> 00:41:47,800 and I'm not going to put my stress and anxiety on this like 784 00:41:47,800 --> 00:41:50,600 I'm not going to do it. There are things that I missed. 785 00:41:50,760 --> 00:41:54,320 It's sort of funny. I will find myself, there'll be 786 00:41:54,320 --> 00:42:00,880 a reference to like a movie or a band or something that happened 787 00:42:00,880 --> 00:42:05,120 on Dateline or some, you know, some murder or serial killer or 788 00:42:05,120 --> 00:42:07,360 something. And I'm like, I've never what 789 00:42:07,360 --> 00:42:10,320 that when was that? And it's right around. 790 00:42:10,320 --> 00:42:12,720 It's like right after everything. 791 00:42:12,720 --> 00:42:17,120 It's in the that like three to five year period that I just, I 792 00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:20,440 mean you're gone not even aware. Was. 793 00:42:20,600 --> 00:42:22,800 Also widowbrain. I mean like someone. 794 00:42:22,840 --> 00:42:27,440 Wrote in anything that wasn't right, like here, my kids, my 795 00:42:27,440 --> 00:42:30,280 recovery and everything. And but that happens to me a lot 796 00:42:30,280 --> 00:42:32,160 where I'm like, what year was that? 797 00:42:32,160 --> 00:42:35,080 Because I know for a fact I was checked out. 798 00:42:36,120 --> 00:42:38,600 But I think that's life. And I think someone wrote in 799 00:42:38,600 --> 00:42:41,960 today on on our Instagram that they wanted to try EMDR and that 800 00:42:41,960 --> 00:42:44,760 they're not sleeping. And I said widow brain is 801 00:42:44,840 --> 00:42:50,440 actually a scientific thing. Abrupt brains do not like a 802 00:42:50,440 --> 00:42:53,680 brook changes. But I think that it's more about 803 00:42:55,040 --> 00:42:58,120 balance. And like, if if the news doesn't 804 00:42:58,120 --> 00:43:01,240 work for you and it doesn't make it doesn't fulfill you, I feel 805 00:43:01,240 --> 00:43:03,440 like I have to know. It's just like a thing. 806 00:43:03,520 --> 00:43:06,160 I'm curious. And this is one thing that I say 807 00:43:06,720 --> 00:43:12,240 about anything in relation to death of a spouse. 808 00:43:12,640 --> 00:43:16,400 You fulfilled your duties till death do you part. 809 00:43:18,040 --> 00:43:25,880 They died, so whatever you want to do next, no guilt. 810 00:43:26,080 --> 00:43:27,840 You know, I'm kind of at a place, I don't know if y'all 811 00:43:27,840 --> 00:43:29,640 are, but I'm kind of in a place where I'm ready to take care of 812 00:43:29,640 --> 00:43:32,320 myself. I'm tired. 13 years of taking 813 00:43:32,320 --> 00:43:34,440 care of kid by myself. I'm just ready to. 814 00:43:34,760 --> 00:43:36,760 Take care, it's your turn. Oh. 815 00:43:37,400 --> 00:43:42,040 OK, since my husband died I have been in two relationships and my 816 00:43:42,040 --> 00:43:44,960 confession is that I'm having the best sex of my life. 817 00:43:45,520 --> 00:43:50,640 Oh I love this. I had OK sex in my. 818 00:43:50,640 --> 00:43:54,120 Does he have a brother? But now I am more adventurous 819 00:43:54,120 --> 00:43:56,640 and say what I want. It's been liberating. 820 00:43:56,640 --> 00:44:00,160 I don't tell anyone because I don't want anyone to think I am 821 00:44:00,160 --> 00:44:02,520 not grieving. Will you go, girl? 822 00:44:02,520 --> 00:44:04,240 Just yeah. From the rooftop. 823 00:44:04,240 --> 00:44:08,360 Yeah, I just got to say yeah it. Was the positives that come 824 00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:09,800 from. Secondary. 825 00:44:09,960 --> 00:44:12,360 Oh, secondary gain. Secondary I mean. 826 00:44:12,520 --> 00:44:15,880 Don't very gain. Joy, I think I love the 827 00:44:15,880 --> 00:44:18,480 confession. To see that why she's like 828 00:44:18,480 --> 00:44:20,880 secondary. Gain good for you. 829 00:44:21,280 --> 00:44:24,400 I mean, don't have her feel ashamed about having good sex, 830 00:44:24,440 --> 00:44:26,440 she said. She's better at saying what she 831 00:44:26,440 --> 00:44:29,480 wants, which I think is. Key. 832 00:44:30,280 --> 00:44:34,080 Having relationships later in life and just second time around 833 00:44:34,080 --> 00:44:36,320 it's you're like you're coming out of your marriage, maybe you 834 00:44:36,320 --> 00:44:39,040 lost your spouse, whatever. And you're like, I know what I 835 00:44:39,040 --> 00:44:41,840 want, I know what I like, I know what works for my body. 836 00:44:41,840 --> 00:44:45,440 Yes, yes, good for you. Enjoy the sex. 837 00:44:45,520 --> 00:44:48,320 Get it girl. Your husband is not judging you 838 00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:49,960 from heaven. No, he is happy. 839 00:44:49,960 --> 00:44:56,880 For you, and by the way, you can grieve and do a lot of things at 840 00:44:56,880 --> 00:44:59,400 the same time. Yay for one more. 841 00:44:59,800 --> 00:45:04,120 You got time for one more. I have to force myself to spend 842 00:45:04,120 --> 00:45:07,000 time with my in laws. Part of me just wants to cut 843 00:45:07,000 --> 00:45:09,800 them out because all they want to do is talk about my dead 844 00:45:09,800 --> 00:45:12,120 husband. I know they are grieving but I'm 845 00:45:12,120 --> 00:45:14,600 trying to live in the now. Sitting in their grief is 846 00:45:14,600 --> 00:45:17,680 exhausting. Wow I just had this conversation 847 00:45:17,680 --> 00:45:19,760 with a recent widow. Really what happened? 848 00:45:20,200 --> 00:45:25,720 And I think it's just hard because, you know, they're 849 00:45:25,720 --> 00:45:27,560 trying to build a life with their kid. 850 00:45:27,560 --> 00:45:33,080 They're trying to create positivity and not, and losing a 851 00:45:33,080 --> 00:45:35,160 child is just something I can't imagine. 852 00:45:35,240 --> 00:45:38,960 I mean I I. Hang on to anyone that they were 853 00:45:38,960 --> 00:45:40,040 close to. Right. 854 00:45:40,160 --> 00:45:45,000 I can't imagine having to deal with in laws that you maybe 855 00:45:45,000 --> 00:45:48,400 didn't have a connection with. I think they're just feeling 856 00:45:48,400 --> 00:45:53,640 overwhelmed by it, right? Because I mean, I, you know, I 857 00:45:53,640 --> 00:45:55,880 don't know exactly what this person is going through, but 858 00:45:55,880 --> 00:45:58,600 yeah, it sounds like they're just feeling like it's a lot. 859 00:45:58,800 --> 00:46:03,680 Because I've dealt with my mother-in-law, my father-in-law 860 00:46:03,680 --> 00:46:10,480 died before Toby and Toby was very close to his mom. 861 00:46:10,520 --> 00:46:14,920 And it's, it's been hard and I feel for her. 862 00:46:14,920 --> 00:46:20,440 She lost her husband and she lost her son and she doesn't 863 00:46:20,440 --> 00:46:23,880 really, She doesn't reach out anymore. 864 00:46:23,880 --> 00:46:27,800 And now I kind of wish that she had a relationship with them, 865 00:46:28,280 --> 00:46:31,000 even though early on I did not want to deal with her. 866 00:46:31,360 --> 00:46:35,640 It was like too much in the beginning, but I want them to 867 00:46:35,640 --> 00:46:38,640 have that connection. Yeah, that's Toby's mom. 868 00:46:38,720 --> 00:46:41,400 Yeah. So I mean, I guess kind of be 869 00:46:41,400 --> 00:46:46,080 grateful. As hard as it is to sit in your 870 00:46:46,080 --> 00:46:48,800 in laws grief, at least they can earn some. 871 00:46:48,800 --> 00:46:55,040 Boundaries, but yeah, BB find the gratitude of having that 872 00:46:55,040 --> 00:46:59,960 part of your husband. Yeah, and their connection to 873 00:46:59,960 --> 00:47:02,640 their dad. I think any parent has lost a 874 00:47:02,640 --> 00:47:05,160 child. That's that's my biggest fear 875 00:47:05,200 --> 00:47:06,800 now. Is that I? 876 00:47:07,160 --> 00:47:11,320 So I but it's a lot to, it's a lot to manage when you're 877 00:47:11,480 --> 00:47:14,400 managing your own. So would we say to this 878 00:47:14,400 --> 00:47:22,360 listener, what set boundaries, but have grace and and when you 879 00:47:22,360 --> 00:47:24,880 whatever you're willing to do, do it wholeheartedly? 880 00:47:25,280 --> 00:47:28,240 I guess I think that. Balance is hard. 881 00:47:28,840 --> 00:47:33,000 Boundaries is the biggest like. Don't take on their pile of 882 00:47:33,000 --> 00:47:37,880 shit, as Kira likes to say. Well, just shovel your own pile 883 00:47:37,880 --> 00:47:39,680 before you start in on someone else's pie. 884 00:47:39,680 --> 00:47:40,320 I. Don't know that's. 885 00:47:40,360 --> 00:47:43,600 Probably a really good idea. Get to a place where you're in a 886 00:47:43,600 --> 00:47:46,720 good place, right? And then take it in doses. 887 00:47:46,720 --> 00:47:49,600 It's like I told my dad when I got home, he was already texting 888 00:47:49,600 --> 00:47:51,440 me that my mom didn't have her necklace on. 889 00:47:51,640 --> 00:47:54,600 I'm the one who dropped her off. And I said, dad, it's costume 890 00:47:54,600 --> 00:47:56,520 jewelry. I'm sure we'll find it. 891 00:47:56,760 --> 00:48:00,360 I will talk to you later in the week because I needed a break. 892 00:48:00,360 --> 00:48:02,640 I need a few days off. That's OK. 893 00:48:02,640 --> 00:48:06,840 It's just like I was just travelling this weekend with my 894 00:48:07,520 --> 00:48:12,400 sister's five year old twins and the flight attendant made a 895 00:48:12,400 --> 00:48:14,960 special point. It's like, just so you know, I 896 00:48:14,960 --> 00:48:20,280 need you to understand, if these oxygen masks drop, you've got 897 00:48:20,280 --> 00:48:23,040 like 30 seconds before you pass out. 898 00:48:23,040 --> 00:48:28,480 You put your oxygen mask on 1st and then deal with them. 899 00:48:28,480 --> 00:48:32,440 And I was like, gotcha. But that's a life lesson. 900 00:48:32,600 --> 00:48:34,440 And that's where the boundaries come in. 901 00:48:34,440 --> 00:48:37,400 And on that note, you guys, we hope that some of these 902 00:48:37,400 --> 00:48:40,920 confessions have resonated with you so that you know you're not 903 00:48:40,920 --> 00:48:43,640 alone. There are no right answers and 904 00:48:44,240 --> 00:48:46,360 we're all, we're all doing the best that we can. 905 00:48:46,360 --> 00:48:50,520 So we wish you well. So follow us, like us on 906 00:48:50,520 --> 00:48:54,240 Instagram and Facebook, follow us on whatever. 907 00:48:54,360 --> 00:48:58,960 Write a review, write a review. If it's Apple podcast, write a 908 00:48:58,960 --> 00:49:00,480 review. If you're listening to us 909 00:49:00,480 --> 00:49:03,160 anywhere else, please make sure that you're clicking that follow 910 00:49:03,160 --> 00:49:04,360 button. But we love you. 911 00:49:04,360 --> 00:49:07,120 Thank you so much. Good day to you. 912 00:49:07,320 --> 00:49:10,240 Bye my. And. 913 00:49:10,440 --> 00:49:13,400 Tally ho and tally ho and. Good day. 914 00:49:13,400 --> 00:49:15,080 Good day, Sir.