Today's episode is brought to you by Rodger Brooks and his
team is Strategic Investment Management.
As an Austin based fiduciary financial advisory firm, Rodger
and his team bring decades of experience and empathy to help
people regain financial control through life's ups and downs so
you can move forward with confidence.
You found us. I'm so glad you did, but I am
sorry that you had to. Who are we?
I'll tell you what, we're not. We're not old, we're not boring,
and we're not giving up. We're four mothers, all living
in Austin, introduced to each other because we all share a
similar tragedy. Our husbands died unexpectedly
and in the prime of their lives. So come on into our widow
circle, where trauma meets humor and we remind you that you can
not only survive, but thrive. This is every widow thing.
Welcome everyone. We are every widow thing.
We have been taking a break, but we are back back.
But we're doing widow confessions today and we put out
on our social media a request for anyone who wanted to share
something that maybe they're embarrassed to share or feel
uncomfortable or feel guilty letting people know.
And I feel like these confessions can help other
widows who are possibly dealing with the same situation.
But no one talks about it, right?
So we got your confessions and maybe one of one or two of our
own. And I put them in this lovely
vase. And what I thought we would do
is just each one of us would just draw one out and we'll read
it and then we can discuss or move on to the next one.
Depending on the. Whatever the content is that
there's no right or wrong way to grieve.
Weird shit happens, and you're not alone in it.
We're drinking wine and we are drinking wine.
Yeah, we can't wait to read the weird stuff.
Y'all do? It's to celebrate.
I can't wait to hear the weird. Like weird.
Yeah, we we're celebrating coming back.
We've taken a break to be with our families, but we are back
and we are excited to get this show going first.
So he wants to go first. Holly.
Go Holly. All right.
OK, for weeks after my husband died, I went through his phone
and all his emails looking for bad stuff.
There was part of me that wanted to find something terrible.
He was a great man, but I kept thinking maybe I would find
something. I think I wanted to be angry
instead of sad. I get that actually.
I did go through his emails, you know, out of curiosity, not
necessarily because I thought there was something to find, but
second family I right. Right, I did the same thing but.
But I get that I. Understand.
Maybe I should be more worried I didn't have access to my
husband's. Even in death.
No, what happened was we were we were going to get one password
when he died. We were getting all of that
changed over because we were moving the upstairs office to
downstairs. So it was all really a big fat
mess. And so it took a neighbor to
help me to get into a lot of the other things.
But it was a work computer, so they.
Took it. Yeah, they took it.
So I didn't. I never did.
Get to no hit. Oh, wow.
So I was kind of wishing I had, but I did always kind of think
about, I wonder if there was somebody out there, even though
I really knew it was. Working or because.
He emailed you from his work like he you had personal emails
with him right from work. Not law.
He was only at his new job for a month though, so it went long.
What about his phone? Did you go through his phone?
I. Didn't have the passcode to that
either. What?
But eventually you get the passcode.
How? Well, you call Apple or whatever
you. Can't do that well.
And I mean, you have to go in mind, this was 13 years ago and
you don't have that never got access.
No. So any pictures that he had on
his phone or? Everything, fortunately, was all
on the computer, so all of it was it.
Was like kind of the beginning ours.
Was connected yes, 13 years ago, long time I.
Never saw Frank's phone again. Yeah, obviously we were in a
fiery crowd. Oh, and then it was weeks before
you were really even coherent. Right.
I remember there was a lot of commotion around passwords, and
I mean, I can still get into his e-mail now, but it was a lot of
work stuff, to be honest. I mean, yeah, it was a lot of
work stuff. Yeah.
I didn't find anything juicy as you.
Yeah. And I love what they said about
what was that last part I I think I wanted to be angry
instead of sad. Yeah, the emotional exchange
that she was looking for. Right I I understand that,
especially in the grief brain early on.
Yeah, trying to find some kind of flaw.
Yeah, to to deflect from the real pain.
Yeah, and the reality of losing the the person that, you know,
she knew he was exactly an amazing person who didn't.
Yeah, to to then. Skeletons.
Right, to maybe find like, oh wait, he wasn't everything that
I thought so good. Glad he's gone.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, thank you for sharing that, whoever it was.
I didn't put names on there. For obvious reasons.
Right. But I mean even I thought about
even putting the first name and then I was like for obvious.
Especially if it's a different kind of name that.
Would OK widow confessions When my husband died our daughter was
6. She was our only child and a
daddy's girl. My grief manifested into anger.
Oh both anger things. My grief manifested into anger
towards her. I was supposed to be consoling
her, protecting her, but instead I found myself angry that she
was here and he wasn't. Oh well, I didn't want to raise
her without him. He was the natural parent.
I had to work at it. The shame I felt for feeling
that way was almost worse than the grief of losing my husband.
I no longer feel this way towards my daughter but cannot
seem to forgive myself for not being there for her when she
needed me the most. God had to be really tough to to
write. Thank you for that.
Yeah, that's hard. I appreciate the honesty because
I think that everybody, I mean, that's the reason why grief's so
messy and I'm no maid because it, there is no, nobody does it
the same and none of it's really right or wrong.
It just is. And so I'm learning to like
accept that when you're having that feeling, just ride through
it. And and that's that's tough
though. I wonder if maybe it's not that
she didn't want her daughter to be here necessarily, it was just
that she wanted her husband here to help her be a parent because
she didn't feel confident. In.
In her. Parents, is she like kind of
jealous that the husband had? A daddy's girl.
Or a relationship maybe. I mean, honestly, I mean, it's
completely different because I'm was grown when my dad died.
But there was a time when my mom like had a bit, she expressed
sorry, mom, a bit of jealousy because I was, I was a daddy's
girl. And yeah, it's not the same at
all. But that it is kind of the same,
I mean all. Of these feelings too, yeah,
They're not rational feelings, they just are.
Yeah, but they're, but they're valid because they're there.
I I feel like to, you know, a lot of people, they end up
having a family and having kids because maybe they see that in
their partner, right? That their partner is going to
be a great parent and maybe they're not so inclined or it's
harder for them. But, you know, and then the
father and the daughter had this amazing connection.
And then, yeah, I mean, I could totally get the resentment
there. You're just like, Oh my gosh, I
didn't sign up for this, right. To do this by myself.
Yeah. The good news, though, to that
person who wrote in is when kids are little, I mean, I definitely
yelled at my kids more than I needed to after my husband died
because I had nowhere to go with my anger.
And I think, you know, you can make up for it.
You can, you know, realize that like you have to get a control
of yourself and you can make up for it in the later years,
especially in the teenage years when they really.
Need you. That's when I blew up.
That's when I blew up is in the teenage years.
I mean I literally got in one kids face and was like like
screaming. And it was really more about the
frustration of why am I here by myself dealing with this?
This is something that the dad should be dealing with.
Well, I think they need to know we're human too.
I mean, right. I said that the other night.
He was like, you know, because I was being hard on myself for how
I was feeling about some other family stuff.
That's hard. And he was like, but you're
human, mom. That's just part of it.
You're right. I appreciate that this person
wrote in and was so real, because that's a hard thing.
Yeah, that's. A hard one.
And and that's what she's saying is she's struggling now with the
guilt of ever having any of those feelings at all.
All right, Kira. Oh OK.
My confession is that I don't want to acknowledge my husband's
death day. People are kind and want to say
they are thinking about me, but I would like to get through the
day not even realizing that it was the day he died.
Instead I spend the day thanking people for reminding me I hate
it. I can totally relate to this
one. The first year.
I'm think I've mentioned this in other episodes, but the very
first year, first year anniversary after Frank's death
of the day of the accident landed on Father's Day.
So it was literally like the anniversary of the death
Father's Day, June 21st that year.
And it was awful. And I remember every year since
I made a conscious decision to really celebrate his birthday,
which is just a few weeks before his birthday is June 11th.
So that's when the kids and I kind of think about him, talk
about him, celebrate him on his birthday.
And then the 21st is just kind of a day that we get through.
It's really not something that we try that I try to emphasize.
No, I know I. So I can totally relate to this.
Person and you were like it's just another day.
That's the hard part, right? And maybe as widows, or for me
anyway, I need to be clear with my friends and family what I
would like because like with you, Kira, I, I didn't want to
not acknowledge because I didn't want you to think that nobody
was supporting you. But at the same time, you're
also like, shit, you know who wants about it?
I'm not angry with the, I understand that.
Listen, I'm part of pulling, but I'm not angry with the people
that acknowledge. I mean, people were
acknowledged. No, it's so.
Fortunately, I was on a beach. I didn't have a lot of
reception, so I was kind of like.
Yeah, I got a cute peek at your toes.
People are reaching out, but I'm on the beach so I can't really
isn't right now. I'm too busy.
But no, I I'm not as like, but I get this person for sure I.
Like hearing, I mean, I do not want to acknowledge the day, but
I'm, I like hearing from people because I'm I'm thinking about
it. I don't mind if people do.
I kind of wish people didn't think 13 years later that I'm
still just living my best life. Yeah, and I.
It's interesting, like you kind of want things and I've been
going through some stuff this week with.
Really. Would you care to confess?
Well, I did that interview with that and that brought a lot of
stuff up. And I don't know, it's just
interesting. You think like, wow, it's been
this long and I don't know, things come up.
OK, my confession. Yeah, let's.
This isn't that juicy though. They don't have to be juicy,
they just have to be honest. They.
Just have to be real. Well, I found it interesting
because I had an interview with the woman from Texas Tech that's
doing like Texas Tech now. Like what are people doing now?
I. Because you guys both went to
Texas Tech, I'm just reminding our viewers together and that's
when we met. We met at Texas Tech in design
school and so I googled setup design company and I realized I
closed it all down. I guess I didn't really 100%
realize it. And I was like, oh, it's gone.
Then I found his obituary and then I was like, like spiraling
down and I Scroll down and I'm reading all these comments from
people. OK, this is my confession.
It's been over seven years and I never read any of the comments
people put on the I guess it's. On the online.
Legacy game. And I was like, Oh my God, this
is so nice. I mean, and I just like it was
heavy. It was really heavy.
And a lot of, a lot of, I mean, some family member, like
extended family members that I don't really talk to.
I'm like, oh, they were thinking of me, right?
Right. And a lot of Toby's colleagues
that I was like, oh, that's so nice.
There's so much you miss in the fog, especially if it's sudden
death, like all of us were sudden death.
So, you know, I sometimes if I'm, I watched a video one time
of the funeral one time and it took almost 11 years to do it.
And I saw people there that was, I didn't even know they were
there. Like that was weird.
And then the pumpkin patch and all, I saw them all coming out
of that. So that kind of made me laugh a
little bit. But I think it's a weird feeling
because it kind of the some of the people I was most mad at,
they were there. I was like.
OK, well I know. And I kind of so I have one
person. I was like, Oh my God, I just
thought they never thought of me.
And they wrote this really nice message on there.
But note to listeners like don't like just write on the Funeral
Home website because right? Yeah, send a note or something
because you're not getting on that website.
No, I mean seven years later I did.
Right. But do you guys ever this is
this is a confession for me, I guess I will because Facebook
will give you the memories, right?
And so around when Hunter died, I posted something on Facebook
letting everybody know. And I will go and read every
comment every year. I will go through it sometimes
twice. Like I will read it all once and
then I'll go around and read it all.
Again, I don't think there's anything wrong with.
That I don't remember you're. What, seven years in?
Yeah, it'll be 7 in October. Thing in there, but I still see
some of the old stuff and I don't know, I can't go there.
I do have a funny one. Y'all want to hear about you
because it just based off that what you said earlier.
So the legacy y'all know about this?
But the legacy thing was funny because I did look at it and
flat and one of the guys on there I was like, oh he's so
annoying. I work for him at Vignette, and
then I go out with him years later.
Yeah, I'm talking about Yeah, he's.
So annoying. And I thought he was adorable
then. Well, it was and I won't get the
quote right, but when we had JJ Elliott on and she was talking
about her book, there are no rules for this.
The the the friend of the mother who died by suicide was talking
to that woman's daughter and saying, I can't bring your mom
back, but I can tell you about her and I can share stories.
I'm getting chills right now that that bring that person back
to you. You know, so our our guys aren't
going to be brought back to life, but these stories that
people share are so such a gift because it does bring them back
to life for a moment. So.
That's why I hate when people stop talking about them because
people think as because you're pretty far into when you're 10
years, 13. People don't bring them up
anymore. And so many parts of my life
don't even know him. They don't.
They only know me as the single. Widow thing as we go into
different phases of our lives. Yeah, they don't know.
And I don't really want to be seen as a widow anymore as out
in the world, like I don't need them to know that I'm a widow.
I don't have the widow to. Rest like you do because.
I'm so far in but I do want them to acknowledge him and tell me
stories about him and there's only a certain amount of people
that know know. I had someone just yesterday who
I'm not upset about it but ran into them.
Is this the people are gross situation?
Ran into them in a store and they never knew Frank right but
referred to him as my ex or said something like oh didn't your
ex, you know, go to school and you.
Grab your back throat and you're like, let me tell you something
lady. I said.
I said my late husband went to Darden.
I mean, it's not even someone I know that well.
But hold on, what was their response when you said my late
husband? Did they even understand it?
She. Didn't really.
That's when you grabbed the throat here When?
We're off camera. I was more surprised that like,
I made a point of correcting her, of course, whereas I feel
like early days I wouldn't have stood.
I would have just let it slide. But now for some reason, 10
years out, I'm like, Oh no, no, let me clarify again.
Like she never knew him or never knew us together and really has
only met my current partner. So it wasn't that big of a deal.
I was just kind of like, you know?
But that's. Why my ex I?
Got divorced, right? What are you talking about?
That's why I have widow's threats.
I don't want anyone to assume look, divorce is horrible and I
have several friends that have been traumatized by it, but that
is a relationship that wasn't working.
My relationship was fucking working.
So don't ever assume that it wasn't.
And that's what I I also take. I don't know the right wording
for this, but like offense take offense if someone says well
you're single. I I really, and maybe it's
because I'm still and we've talked about this before.
I don't know if it was on camera or not, but maybe I'm too
attached to the widow title. But don't call me single.
I'm I'm a widow and yes I'm dating but.
And by the way. I am single.
But yeah guys, anyway. I'm.
Single Whitney. Like but I just like single and
and and divorce. Those are words that don't.
Really want to be any of those titles, right?
But I can't do anything about it.
Yeah, it is what it is. All right, let's draw.
Lady, let's go. Let's send this baby.
I feel I'm feeling kind of juicy myself today.
When my husband died suddenly, he had just been to the bank so
his wallet had cash in it for weeks.
When the kids wanted money for something, I would say go get it
from your dad. Even after the original cash was
gone, I would put more money in there so I can keep doing it.
I'm sure my kids thought I was insane.
I love this. Person actually, I think that's
amazing. It sounds like Whitney a little
bit. I think it sounds like Whitney.
It actually was my confession. I like I'm the dresser.
Like I. Had Whitney.
Thanks a lot Lacey for. Outing me totally no, I did do
it you guys it was and well your.
Kids were a little older, too. They weren't sick.
They were how? Old they were 11-12 and 14.
So that's at an page where they knew it was you, but they loved
this. It was a little fun they.
Ever run out? They were like, how much are?
We talking about, you know, literally.
Just thought that there was like, I don't know, $200 or
something in there. I don't know.
And, and it became like a mission for me.
Like I was like, is the cash running low?
I'm going to get, get some more cash because it was a way for me
to keep him. That's.
Awesome. In the picture but I'm sure my
kids were like what the fuck is going?
On Mom, never. I feel like.
Go. Get forever.
Ever go? Somebody your bedroom going,
Mom's losing it like. But it's funny, I think it's, I
think we all do like. We don't know anyone else.
Is that disturbed? No joke.
Hilarious, but you know, money. Did y'all ever so a confession?
I have. I don't know if it's a
confession, but at one point, I mean, I went through a lot of
surgeries. My parents lived with me.
I didn't have very much freedom, couldn't drive for a while.
But at one point I remember the kids are all at school.
I go down to the mall. To.
Buy something. I just remember.
I mean, when Frank was alive, it wasn't like he was stingy, but
he was more like, you know, probably hunger with the budget.
And then what? I mean, Evan wasn't just rolling
in with like shopping bags, you know, without him being like,
what's going on, right? And so I remember the first time
kind of going shopping and feeling like.
He was dead. There's nobody looking over my
shoulder. Yes, nobody.
I just walk in my house with my purchases.
Yeah, you don't have to. I'm not hiding like Hock you in
the car and sneaking them in later or.
You know, yeah, yeah. It's, I don't know, it's a
stupid thing, but it made me think no.
Money. I do the Oh I have done the
same. Thing my friend Kelly just said
a meme with a Kitty cat that was like this is me and it had like
all kinds of bags that said go into the bedroom to hide
everything out of the bed because her husband's very
haven't you had. Girlfriends that are like, oh,
you didn't text Mark and see if I can buy this?
Like, that was sort of freeing. Yeah, just appreciating, you
know, the freedom of it, which, you know, of course you'd rather
have it the other way around. You wouldn't want, I'd rather be
sneaking the bags in, sure. And then just walk in the door
and be like, well, I guess I'm okay.
Yeah, you're like. They call it secondary gains.
So like you, I could do whatever I wanted and not have to be like
he didn't want me to buy the dead animal rug on the floor.
He said no, I don't like that the cowhide looks weird.
And So what did I do? As soon as he died the week
later I went bought it and put it on the floor.
That was like, you know what? You're not here.
You making me mad because you're not here.
And that's what my doesn't make sense.
But I was angry at him for leaving me with a six year old.
And I was like, really? I was just getting back to my
career. I was just getting back to doing
the things I love and now? So you're like, I'm going to
show you and buy this dead animal, right?
That's right, I'm putting that cowhide on that floor.
My life is good. For the most part I am happy.
But when grief creeps in, it makes me want to fuck it up.
I lean towards bad decisions, more spending, wrong men, more
drinks, whatever it takes to numb the loneliness.
I like this person. That's literally what we I.
Think. We've all done a little bit of
all of those things. I've definitely indulged in so
many ways because you're just trying to like.
Spending money is and drinking but.
More is everybody's like, go to like, what did you do to kind of
make yourself feel better? Everybody has something.
I mean, if I'm going to be honest, I spent, I, I first of
all said fuck the budget. But then the other thing is, I
was having fun going out looking for people to, you know, connect
with and. I think that's kind of common
for a lot of people, particularly if you've been
together for a super long. I found that people that were
together a super long time were more interested in that than
people who it was more recent. Right.
But it's really, it was really more about like what that person
is saying. What was it like?
More spending, wrong men, more drinks, whatever it takes to
numb the loneliness. Yeah, it really was more about
numbing, and I had a good friend.
We grew up together well from freshman year in high school.
One of my best friends and her husband died a year after Hunter
and we would talk and she'd be like, I'm just spending money,
like I, I can't stop. It becomes a weird addiction
because it gives you that hit that keeps the the sadness or
the grief at Bay for one moment. Well, and you're kind of like,
you know, fuck it, you don't know what's going to happen
tomorrow, so I'm going to book the trip.
Right. And I could be dead tomorrow,
right? You know.
We. Talked about the travel and
taking the kids on extravagant trip, Yeah.
I think that's why we have like Roger Brooks is our sponsor
because I believe like he because when people come into
their life insurance, it's a lump sum of money and he's
trying to help them be careful with it because yeah, it's
pretty easy to go. You know what, There's no one to
answer. I'm going to do the trip.
I'm going to do this and you and it's.
A No. Matter what it is, it's still
more than you've had before, right?
It's more of a lump sum than you've ever had before.
So you even if it's 100,000 or whatever, whatever it's that's
why I think he's there to kind of help you rein it in and go,
OK, you can have a little bit of fun, but let's try to be
responsible. My financial advisor gives me
that this is the projectory projectory trajectory.
Thank you. I knew it was wrong, you know?
It's wine for. Projection.
It's the visual of your. Blind guys, Yeah, exactly.
I I've just created a new word projectory.
I like it, but it gives me that, that view of OK, if I keep
spending the way that I'm spending, then I run out at this
time or this time. So that that's definitely
helpful. For me, the filling of the void
or which in my brain I was like, I'm just filling the void.
I'm filling the void. It vacillated between, you know,
really good things like mega exercise and eating super
healthy and, you know, that kind of thing, taking a million
thousand supplements because a lot of stuff that happened to my
body. And so I was trying to, I was
seeing a nutritionist and I was seeing people that were like,
you know, I had two bowel resections.
So it was like I was like, what can I eat?
What can I drink? But so for me, it vacillated
between that, like being hardcore healthy and then
indulging in, you know, just, you know, going out a lot,
drinking too much probably at times, definitely, you know,
seeking a, you know, some connection with men, even though
you knew it wasn't really the one, you know, just kind of
like, can we just have dinner and snuggle?
Just things that like you missed, you know, in your
partnership. You're just trying to make it.
I don't.
Think everybody handles it different.
It was that one. Thing for me, it was kind of all
things and it right. And I think that's what that
person. Was saying worth it all right
too. And it wasn't all bad.
Some of it was really amazing, you know, good like.
I mean, it's why you can't judge when you meet with people, but
you can say, you know, you might want to think about like, you
know, long term how that makes you feel.
Yeah. Maybe put your band back on when
it's like, you know, that's why we had Doctor Gofrani.
Love. No love.
It was good to have her on you so that these women, when
they're making that step, it's not worth it to be, you know,
crazy. But.
All right, everyone, we still have.
Some left, I want to read one more.
All right, Keira's going to. This little skinny one, right?
Here, Whitney needs to go to the.
Bathroom. I have a small bladder, you
guys. My confessions.
Two months after my husband died, I started a two year
affair with one of his best friends who was newly separated.
It was exciting and honestly I don't regret it.
But I recognize now that and there's no more left.
Oh. Recognize that.
We can't talk about it. And.
Finish the phrase. Well.
And was it the familiar? How do you say that?
Say it for me, like feeling close to maybe the husband.
I don't know. I don't know.
I didn't want to date anybody for five years.
So kind. Of like J JS book title for
this. There are no rules for this if
you'd. Like to go back and listen to
that episode this. Needs to be revisited though
because you did something similar.
I did and I also not a friend of my husband's but I went back to
an ex, an old boyfriend comfort. Some.
Weird and I wish I had someone comforting like that.
Yeah, did y'all get that message?
Listen everyone, I don't regret mine and I'm super grateful for
it as we really helped each other out in a tough time.
You're grateful for that old boyfriend, that.
Yeah, for sure. Honestly, I'm not going to beat
myself up over it. Don't beat yourself up.
Over. The past is in the past.
I think you and I are. We're fine with the I'm.
Cool with it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look, the truth is it's just like what that other person said
with the with the bad decisions or whatever, you get this
mentality of fuck it, you're like, fuck it, I want this, this
feels good. And also in my circumstance,
this person helped me, helped me navigate business things, helped
me navigate children things, helped me navigate family
things. Because a lot of people don't
know, but at the time that my husband died, I also was dealing
with a lot of addiction and, and alcohol.
Well, it's all addiction related issues within my family.
And I became the point person. So not only was I trying to
grieve my husband and deal with my kids, I was trying to protect
my my whole family and set up boundaries and become the
gatekeeper that Hunter had always been.
So to have another person in the mix that knew about this stuff
and knew how Hunter thought. Had some compassion and had.
Compassion and love and, but really what it is for me, what
it was, what it what it was for me was that this person knew my
husband so well that I felt in a way he was the surrogate.
Would that be the right word? He was the substitute husband.
Like I could be like, what do you think Hunter would have done
or what do you think? And he would know.
Well, interestingly enough, there's a girl from Mississippi
who married her late husband's best friend.
I know it wasn't right away and it's been years, but still.
But even I don't think it, I don't think it's uncommon that
I, that a friend comes into the picture.
I think it's funny, everybody like I was repulsed by the
thought of dating. It took three years.
I went on one day and then it took three years after that.
I was like, just the thought of it.
I was the same way. Yeah, it's funny how everybody.
I was like, I'll never did, but here's the.
Thing you guys and I can only talk about myself.
And you get over. I was not.
I was not in a mindset of like, OK, let's meet somebody, let's
date. It just naturally happened.
I was not out looking to date anyone.
It was just a connection, an emotional connection.
A lot of talking on the phone, a lot of helping me.
That turned into something really special for a specific
time frame. Who I am now would not want that
person. But think about this 19 when you
got together with your husband, that's a pretty big like, so I
think people that's a big adjustment to be alone for
somebody who I that's why I said if it had to happen to somebody,
I think I was probably the most prepared to be alone because I
do like to be alone a lot. I'm a weirdo.
That way probably you had a very specific idea of who you were
before your husband. I know for me, and I've been
talking about this with the guy that I'm seeing, I don't know
who I am. I don't who am I if I'm not
Hunter's wife? Who am I if I'm not the mother
of these three kids that are living in my house and and need
me. And all of that has changed.
Hunter's dead and my third kid is leaving the nest and now I am
a completely different it's it's all different.
And so being alone feels, in a way, it feels good because I
need to figure it out. I want to be a whole person and
I want the person that I attract to be a whole person and being.
Alone has a lot of advantages. Yeah, yeah.
I was reminded. I thought, oh, I hate empty
nesting. I hate it.
And when Ryder came home, we were laughing last night.
He's like, yeah, I get thinking it might be kind of a good thing
when I go back in the fall. I was like, yeah, this cooking
clean thing sucks. That's hilarious.
I like to be alone. So whoever I'm with will have to
understand that I've only dated one person at A at a length of
time and they didn't get that. They they took it as a I'm
pushing them away. And it was really more this is
really who I am. I can be very outgoing, but when
I'm not, I am done. It's like I hit a wall and I'm
over. Because the guy that I'm dating,
I think maybe more like that that Amber Vert thing and I get
my feelings hurt if he doesn't want to be with me.
And just to we're going to end on this.
Being alone doesn't mean lonely. There are moments when I feel
lonely and I say I'm all alone. And the truth is I'm not alone.
I could call any of you. I could call my family.
There are people that I could call and have someone.
I'm just feeling lonely in this moment, but I am not alone and
my brain wants to make it all about you're alone and you're
always going to be alone and get some more cats and da da da da
da. And social media drives.
I have no cats. And by the way, if you have
cats, if you have cats, that's OK.
So my daughter is. About to pop you guys so y'all
can keep talking but I got to go to the thank.
You for sticking with us through the widow confessions.
That also took a turn into some weird shit but but.
That's what we do. We're going to wrap it up We're.
Going to wrap it up. But the podcast looks like
Raptors wine. But look at.
All signing off confessions. We still have.
OK, we'll come back. To we will be right back.
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acknowledging your grief and taking the time to listen,
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Tell them you heard about them on every.
Widow thing and now back to the show.
Oh no, podcast with wine is like.
All right, welcome back to Part 2 of Widow Confessions.
But we hope you have a glass of wine because it's way more fun
when you have a glass of wine in your hand.
Unless you're, you know, in recovery.
I mean, you don't have to. No, I mean, if you want, it's
whatever you want. It's whatever you want.
All right, Holly, it's your turn, OK?
Here is my widow confession. Here's my widow confessions.
When my husband died suddenly, there was a part of me that was
relieved. We've been having problems for
years. Nobody knew this.
My grief is complicated because I'm both sad he's gone, but
excited for the life I may have. Now I feel like a terrible
person. You know, I recently heard from
one of my friends, I was on a trip and she was talking about a
widow. We both know her, but I don't
know the person really well and her marriage was not in a good
place. And so I think that'd be really
hard, almost harder. Because how many people you
can't fix it. Right.
I mean, people, well, I'm acting as if we've all had this
experience, but I've had at least one or two people jokingly
be like, I wish my husband was dead.
Oh, that happened in the hospital.
The gross. Thing to say by the way they.
Said that in the hospital. OK, so when after a little
Toby's accident, after Toby died and Zach was in the hospital, a
huge group of friends showed up and some of them were going
through a divorce or about to or already did.
And they were like, why Toby? Why wasn't it my husband or so
and so so. Right.
So it wasn't in a joking way. It was almost like, why did the
good one get taken? Yeah.
I had many, many people say that to me because they knew that I
had a really great marriage. But I think that you can feel,
you know, the person that wrote that in, I think that's super
brave, by the way. But you can feel relief.
I suspect she was feeling relief from the conflict.
Of grace. Being removed from.
Her life, right? You know, like, I remember,
yeah. So I, I, I feel like I remember
a lot of people also saying, you know, you and Frank had such a
great marriage. And then maybe other people
whose marriages weren't as strong and they're like, you
know, it's so sad that it was Frank and it wasn't, you know,
my relationship. But nobody really feels that
way. And, yeah.
Are we all right? So is it my widow?
Confession. Who's next?
Yeah. Right.
OK, so my widow confession is that I have no idea what's going
on in the world anymore. I don't listen to the news, I
don't keep up with political information.
I have no idea if there is war or weather or anything unless it
shows up on my Instagram feed. It's been five years since my
husband died. I should probably start paying
attention, but I really don't care.
I I disagree. Five years.
Just keep your head in the sand. I mean that could I could have
written that. And I can relate to that.
Like the overload of information negativity.
It's. Depressing for.
Other traumas like that are going on in Gaza or, you know,
it's like, are you, you know, our own?
Political world, everything. I felt that way for a while too.
And I don't think five years. I really, it's funny now that
I'm at 10 years, I look at back back at five years and I'm like,
oh, that was just the infancy of my, you know, trauma and grief.
Like 05 years. That was like, I was just still
crawling out of the whole like. Is sun out?
Like, I mean, it's all perspective, right?
But I totally get yourself up. If you're not, that's okay.
I only keep up with the weather. I love the weather you.
Do you love it? I think that was a weather
person. Do you look at it in different
cities or is it the weather in just Austin?
Is it just here because it's just not boring?
It's somewhere that I'm traveling to, no?
Research. I will research if I love going.
Somewhere in a few months. What's the weather like there?
Don't you think that's also tied to like, what are my outfits
going to look like when I get there?
Well, what's the packing? What?
Shoes am I packing and what outfits in my packing?
You're right, you're right. But if there's a hurricane.
I didn't even know about the hurricane.
I mean, guys, that's embarrassing.
Burl, Burl, is he funny? Burl.
No Burl. I knew about it, Burl.
Or is it or is it barrel? I I think it's.
Burl BURLE or is it Burley? It's.
It affected my flight so we ended up changing it.
Yeah, he countered it. Yeah, I did.
Disruptions. So you do have to.
Know about the weather? You're right, you do have to
know about it. So in.
Honor of our. Friends that yes, sent her
confession in. So what should she do?
Well, that's what I'm saying. I would be like her, Like, well,
I am. I'm like, I'm not following.
Yeah. And then and then I think
there's also that attitude early on where I was like, fuck it, I
don't even care. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow
and I'm not going to put my stress and anxiety on this like
I'm not going to do it. There are things that I missed.
It's sort of funny. I will find myself, there'll be
a reference to like a movie or a band or something that happened
on Dateline or some, you know, some murder or serial killer or
something. And I'm like, I've never what
that when was that? And it's right around.
It's like right after everything.
It's in the that like three to five year period that I just, I
mean you're gone not even aware. Was.
Also widowbrain. I mean like someone.
Wrote in anything that wasn't right, like here, my kids, my
recovery and everything. And but that happens to me a lot
where I'm like, what year was that?
Because I know for a fact I was checked out.
But I think that's life. And I think someone wrote in
today on on our Instagram that they wanted to try EMDR and that
they're not sleeping. And I said widow brain is
actually a scientific thing. Abrupt brains do not like a
brook changes. But I think that it's more about
balance. And like, if if the news doesn't
work for you and it doesn't make it doesn't fulfill you, I feel
like I have to know. It's just like a thing.
I'm curious. And this is one thing that I say
about anything in relation to death of a spouse.
You fulfilled your duties till death do you part.
They died, so whatever you want to do next, no guilt.
You know, I'm kind of at a place, I don't know if y'all
are, but I'm kind of in a place where I'm ready to take care of
myself. I'm tired. 13 years of taking
care of kid by myself. I'm just ready to.
Take care, it's your turn. Oh.
OK, since my husband died I have been in two relationships and my
confession is that I'm having the best sex of my life.
Oh I love this. I had OK sex in my.
Does he have a brother? But now I am more adventurous
and say what I want. It's been liberating.
I don't tell anyone because I don't want anyone to think I am
not grieving. Will you go, girl?
Just yeah. From the rooftop.
Yeah, I just got to say yeah it. Was the positives that come
from. Secondary.
Oh, secondary gain. Secondary I mean.
Don't very gain. Joy, I think I love the
confession. To see that why she's like
secondary. Gain good for you.
I mean, don't have her feel ashamed about having good sex,
she said. She's better at saying what she
wants, which I think is. Key.
Having relationships later in life and just second time around
it's you're like you're coming out of your marriage, maybe you
lost your spouse, whatever. And you're like, I know what I
want, I know what I like, I know what works for my body.
Yes, yes, good for you. Enjoy the sex.
Get it girl. Your husband is not judging you
from heaven. No, he is happy.
For you, and by the way, you can grieve and do a lot of things at
the same time. Yay for one more.
You got time for one more. I have to force myself to spend
time with my in laws. Part of me just wants to cut
them out because all they want to do is talk about my dead
husband. I know they are grieving but I'm
trying to live in the now. Sitting in their grief is
exhausting. Wow I just had this conversation
with a recent widow. Really what happened?
And I think it's just hard because, you know, they're
trying to build a life with their kid.
They're trying to create positivity and not, and losing a
child is just something I can't imagine.
I mean I I. Hang on to anyone that they were
close to. Right.
I can't imagine having to deal with in laws that you maybe
didn't have a connection with. I think they're just feeling
overwhelmed by it, right? Because I mean, I, you know, I
don't know exactly what this person is going through, but
yeah, it sounds like they're just feeling like it's a lot.
Because I've dealt with my mother-in-law, my father-in-law
died before Toby and Toby was very close to his mom.
And it's, it's been hard and I feel for her.
She lost her husband and she lost her son and she doesn't
really, She doesn't reach out anymore.
And now I kind of wish that she had a relationship with them,
even though early on I did not want to deal with her.
It was like too much in the beginning, but I want them to
have that connection. Yeah, that's Toby's mom.
Yeah. So I mean, I guess kind of be
grateful. As hard as it is to sit in your
in laws grief, at least they can earn some.
Boundaries, but yeah, BB find the gratitude of having that
part of your husband. Yeah, and their connection to
their dad. I think any parent has lost a
child. That's that's my biggest fear
now. Is that I?
So I but it's a lot to, it's a lot to manage when you're
managing your own. So would we say to this
listener, what set boundaries, but have grace and and when you
whatever you're willing to do, do it wholeheartedly?
I guess I think that. Balance is hard.
Boundaries is the biggest like. Don't take on their pile of
shit, as Kira likes to say. Well, just shovel your own pile
before you start in on someone else's pie.
I. Don't know that's.
Probably a really good idea. Get to a place where you're in a
good place, right? And then take it in doses.
It's like I told my dad when I got home, he was already texting
me that my mom didn't have her necklace on.
I'm the one who dropped her off. And I said, dad, it's costume
jewelry. I'm sure we'll find it.
I will talk to you later in the week because I needed a break.
I need a few days off. That's OK.
It's just like I was just travelling this weekend with my
sister's five year old twins and the flight attendant made a
special point. It's like, just so you know, I
need you to understand, if these oxygen masks drop, you've got
like 30 seconds before you pass out.
You put your oxygen mask on 1st and then deal with them.
And I was like, gotcha. But that's a life lesson.
And that's where the boundaries come in.
And on that note, you guys, we hope that some of these
confessions have resonated with you so that you know you're not
alone. There are no right answers and
we're all, we're all doing the best that we can.
So we wish you well. So follow us, like us on
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Thank you so much. Good day to you.
Bye my. And.
Tally ho and tally ho and. Good day.
Good day, Sir.