This is every Widow thing. Welcome back to every Widow
thing. I am Lacey and I'm here with
Whitney Kira and Holly. Hi, hi, hi.
So today, we're going to talk about firsts when you are still
in shock the year that everything changed.
Yeah, thanks so much. You guys have the same
experience Oliver died in October.
So there was Halloween, then there was Thanksgiving and then
there was Christmas and writer was born on January 1st.
Yes. So there were four like they
were. All right.
They're together. And then the funny thing is,
when the spring break rolled around, I thought shoe, I've
gone through all of them, I'm done because Valentine's Day
two. Yeah, they were all over.
So in less than six months, I had finished those firsts.
I remember that I am not like this, but my mom and my sisters,
they're the type that will decorate for the holiday a month
or two in advance. So, as soon as think I'm
Thanksgiving Day, the Christmas tree is up and Easter.
Everything is bunnies and eggs. In crosses.
And so my mom was living with us and September 30th.
She's got all of the Halloween stuff up and you know, what's
crazy? At the time I was like, oh, we
should get tombstones and write our names on it with like
something funny. I'm so glad that I did not do
that because the very next day is when Hunter went into the
hospital and then ended up dying, I would drive home from
the hospital and see the Halloween stuff in the yard and
I was like, I'm glad that she put all that stuff up now
because there's no way in hell. I would have been decorating at
all, dodged, a bullet there. And, and for the kids talking
about normalcy, they do want those things.
And, and consistency, if you've always decorated on wanted to
trick or treat and do all that, but I couldn't, I had no
capacity or energy for decorations and didn't do
anything. Yeah, I wouldn't have.
My mom is the one that did it. And And it was before he died.
So what that was like, decorated for Halloween, he died on
October 12. Yeah.
And I told you I want is the white widow.
Yes, wider. But did you do up Halloween?
But you went into for the dark humor right away and I had a
skeleton and Rider made me he was very, very adamant.
I'm glad that he voiced that to you.
That I do think that it was important for the kids because
life does go on even though our lives have been Ian and we're
not necessarily in the head space.
The kids need it. Yeah, I remember struggling with
the trick or treating because we had the three.
Yes. Delhi.
Hard to like coordinate for. I don't think I decorated.
I think they were bummed. Yeah.
And have the energy. I taught us Halloween because
that was pretty soon. Yeah, visit I was probably still
used to having surgeries and things so that didn't happen but
I do remember trick-or-treating with Karis.
What do you do? Holly.
I was trying to remember Halloween.
I don't know. My first holiday was Easter,
actually the first two years for Easter, friends loaned us their
lake house and two of my good friends and all of our kids that
had known each other from when they were little went to the
lake house again, we were escaping.
Yeah. But we didn't egg hunt, and it
was fun. I mean, you know, it was
different, it was ajar more family coming because I feel
like those first. Well, and I lived near family.
Yeah I travel to see them. Yeah well I it's hard for me
because I they were older 11 and 14 so it wasn't like we're going
to put on our Easter outfit and go I mean like traditional I
don't know I just was like I can't do this so I wanted to do
something different and then Mother's Day and we were
together I can't really see those the first or so.
Is that the first holla Mother's Day?
No. I think it was our second
Mother's Day. That was really fun.
Our boys were together and they didn't really know each other.
Fortunately, our kids don't really ever hang out.
They go to different schools and I always wish that it had been
different. I was just wish that I know I do
think Thomas Karis son. Just did this great podcast for
school and he interviewed a couple of our kids and it's
called dealing with duh. Yes, dealing with death, which
is such a great name, really big game and he's talking to kids
who lost a parent York. Kids.
Yeah my kids and Hayden came home after talking with Thomas
and he was like, it was really nice to have a conversation with
someone who understood what we go through and process is great
Thomas. Did it for his senior senior
project at Saint Andrews? And it may, why would they want?
It's a bossy like we did a lot of these kids really bury those
feelings. Yeah, they don't feel
comfortable being vulnerable is sometimes.
Even with a therapist they know I think Ali.
So some of the questions that Thomas ask Hayden, he had never
even thought about like dug into those feelings or thoughts.
He and he says, on the podcast I just kind of pushed it away.
Yeah I don't feel like really good.
What my boys have done when Gabe's friend died, a couple
months ago. He will not go to a therapist
and I kind of think back to I'm definitely more vulnerable now
with them. But I think back to talking
about first I don't real hard time how to deal with them, like
Toby's birthday, how to talk about it because it was never.
I don't know, I guess I wasn't taught to be open about it so
I'm trying to be more open with my kids now and if I could go
back, I'd probably do his birthday different.
I remember talking to friends and family when those kind of
the birthdays and things arose and I said I just want it to be
organic. I don't know if we're going to
talk about him, I want it to just kind of come up naturally.
Like a story about Dad. I didn't want to sit down and
force on the birthday. Let's all tell a story or a
memory or something, I was trying to just let it be but
that's because they were so little.
And I think now we sometimes will say, let's talk about a
memory, you know, once they're older and they can write their
more mature. I think you can do that by the
beginning. I was like, I don't know how to
bring it up without it being sort.
Of course, I would say things like, as far as like his
birthday, I would just be like, hey, Hey guys, it's Dad's
birthday. Like the first birthday.
Hey guys. So your dad's birthday is this
week actually on his birthday. The first year, his parents, and
I threw a memorial for him at stubs and hey, and Campbell's,
little band played music. And it was really nice.
Except for, I humiliated myself, I had too much bourbon because I
don't drink it and then it was bullet because that was Hunters
drink. So everyone's giving me Bulleit
Bourbon and I got up to speak and I was like, is this thing
on? Okay, everybody don't forget to
tip your waiters if anybody can pull it off.
No. And which to this day, I still
can't watch it because I am humiliated, that's awesome.
And I had a whole thing written out.
But I went off book and I was just like so anyway, everybody,
I'm sure people were like, what the heck?
I bet I'm super go to though my go-to because that's how I'm
admit. Yes.
When I met you for the first time, I was like, she just seems
so happy. He like, I was a miserable rat.
You were super upbeat, that's my go-to, and I've said it before,
I get it, the toxic positivity. I don't my brain says, we're not
going to dwell on that, so let's not even process it and move
straight into the blessings. So, there needs to be
moderation. And then the comedy, I go to
Comedy, you'll know when I'm super uncomfortable, because I
start saying things like tip your waiter.
Yeah. Anyway, now we know what to
watch out, but I did, I would tell the kids.
Hey, so your dad's birthday is this weekend.
I was going to make chicken fried steak because that was his
favorite, but I would like to honor that day because it's a
really special day for me and then they'll be like, oh yeah,
no problem that I think a lot of it of it is like you were saying
food, we always make strawberry shortcake.
We always kind of maybe do something, he would want to do
an activity and I think that's a that's a really nice way to
honor them. And yeah, I mean, throw it out
to the kids Oh yeah. And we would get with his
parents to that's always a go to for me because they live close
by. And and then it's we ever did
anything for his birthday Ryder was only 6 and I don't know, I
mean, there's not really much a six-year-old can do.
Yeah so do you don't acknowledge it now but we do that we talked
about in his birthday today and you know but you had to ring a
kid. Wider also does not remember
that much. Like I used to think it was
somehow he had buried it but his He had a therapist.
His name is Sean. Kent.
I'm going to give him a shout out.
He is the most amazing person I've ever met in my life.
He's just a wonderful therapist and he said, it's not buried, he
he does, that's not what money there.
That's, it's not there. And way he said, I think he did
that when he was young but, you know, every age, it's just how
they process is very different and he said, I don't know what,
I don't know, and is that hard for you?
Because it's sort of hard for me with my youngest I really
thought about. About it.
Because Karen, I did the same thing which I think is really
weird. We didn't even talk about it.
I don't think did we? I don't know.
Watch that watch thing for graduation here and I both gave
our sons, our husbands watches and had them engrave.
Yeah. And the song that writer and I
were on a trip to Boston because he's going to go to Northeastern
and he we were going to a restaurant in the song, Every
Breath You Take come came on and he said, who does this remind
you of? We didn't have to say, we knew.
Right. So to be kind of funny on the
inside. I put, I'll be watching you.
Yeah. Oh my God, that's a lot.
Love, Dad. And that was, that's the only
time I've ever seen him, get, misty-eyed.
When I gave it to him and he said, oh, so, but he said, look
on the inside. He looked on the inside and he
got really watery eyes. And so I had to like, cut it off
because I was like, I didn't, I didn't know it was going to do
that to him because he doesn't ever go there.
He didn't either I think I just had four Thomas love Dad, but I
said love Dad too. And then I think I was in a
conversation with somebody about is that odd?
Because obviously, his dad's not.
Yeah. And I said, no, because he loved
her me. It was like, we were both giving
him the watch, you know? Like if we were it's like Frank
and I were giving him the watch together.
Sure. And I tell my kid, I mean you
all know me I talked to the kids all the time about he's not
really gone. He's here in a different way so
I don't think it's weird. He is their dad.
And I remember Hunters. Mom is saying they're done.
Yeah, I remember early on Hunters.
Mom said something to me like, oh, well, I was talking to some
people that we just met and they asked if we had children.
And I, I said I had two sons and then I felt like I had to stop
and say, well, I have one living son in one dead son and I go.
No, you don't, you have two sons.
Yeah, you will always have two sons and you don't have to make
one of them past tense. Same thing with you.
You know, the dad that is their dad and they and he will always
be the dad driver said something that really bothered me in the
beginning because it first I thought, oh that's a great way
to channel it. I was talking about when you
know, his dad's death. I guess it was the year
anniversary. We released Balloons with
things, we would tell him with the little notes and did that
whole thing with my family. And he said, I said, well what
do you think about all of this? And he said in my mind he's on
vacation, I said, but he would want to be with you.
He's I didn't leave you. He couldn't help it.
So it's a double-edged sword. Part of me is like glad that he
wasn't grieving because he was like dad's just away.
He's having a fun time but I said but your dad would have
never left you. I do think it's interesting, the
adult brain and the child brain. And I know for me, what causes
me, a lot of pain is when I try to put my brain on them.
Yeah, and my experiences and my relationships and my whatever.
And they aren't processing it in the same way, so to him, maybe
the vacation. Wasn't he left me intentionally?
It's more. He's okay and and and I'll see
him again someday. Yeah it was a way of having a
good time. We did some family therapy the
three of us and it was coming up on the year anniversary and she
asked the boys, what would your dad want you to do?
And they said have fun. And so they decided We had
friends over and they went to the temple in place awkward.
But that's what they wanted to do.
And then they but you're Toby was fun, though, was yeah, a fun
guy. Well and then that day, which
perfect my thing for me without the boys we did.
This pain has been class with all his music and all his
friends. You made me this wig sitting
front row right in the front row because you're so good.
But that was it. I loved my playlist, for me.
I got the playlist isn't always easy.
I wish I had done something like that, so that was the first
anniversary of his death that you're right, which I don't
necessarily acknowledge it. I mean, you can't forget about
it, but I don't acknowledge it anymore.
I don't either. I don't either.
I don't even care. I did a people would reach out
and I would just say it's just a day, like it's just one day just
going to get through the day and then tomorrow, it's over.
Yeah. You don't want to give any
energy to that kind of how I'd rather.
Give energy to his birthday and our anniversary, and the fun
things, but the first year, that was my Approach.
We did. Let's celebrate the birthday,
not the day that he died. They see.
What did you do something on the first death anniversary?
Yet we release the balloon. That was the balloon we had to
but it was Father's a combined unfortunately.
So June 21st, that first year was Father's Day and the
anniversary of the accident and we did gathered with families
and to the Balloons to, I kind of had a balloon moment to but
we went to New Mexico and did the hot air balloon festival fun
because his parents were living in New Mexico at the time.
And that was fun and and we were winning his about their parents.
Yeah, it was great. You had to get up at the crack
of dawn, but who the people, the Magnolia people that live in
Waco. Get the games they were there.
Oh, that's so, that was kind of cool.
But anyway, yeah. We and then his parents did one
of those Karns with the stones, you know, in their front yard.
We did that. Yeah, now they've moved.
So yeah, those rocks, I didn't think on.
No. The only one I get upset about
his the wedding anniversary when people stopped acknowledging
them. That's a really hard one, right?
The anniversary because when you see other couples that are
celebrating it and you're like, I would have had that Milestone.
But I think all four of us do feel that way, we really felt
like our marriages were solid, and we would definitely have
made it. My anniversary is Friday, it
would have been 28 years and I am going out with the boys to a
nice dinner. Nice, isn't it nice.
They're older now, and you can do that kind of started that
last year or maybe like going to like somewhere.
Nice. I don't know.
Let had a hard time with it because I was like, I kind of
want to go somewhere that was like a place.
We love to go but I don't want to spend it changed or it's or
I'm like they wouldn't want to eat that.
For the first anniversary, it was June 2, and Father's Day,
and all that. And that's when we went to
Mexico with friends, they had a timeshare and so we went there
and it was like, okay, this is a way to be with people and
celebrate and not feel sad about it.
But honestly this year, I didn't even, I didn't even think about
doing something. And if I did I don't know that
I'd want to do it with my kids, so the anniversary, the yeah,
the anniversary, I don't know that I'd do anything.
And I just my sister who's wonderful about it.
She always acknowledges it. What about Christmas, you guys?
I mean, that was for me with kids that was huge.
The first Christmas like, who puts the toys together rallies?
Like I got was, I was rude because I'm not good at that
kind of thing. And I don't like reading
directions and thank God for my brother-in-law, who's an
engineer. He would that first Christmas
they decided to come to my parents house with us.
So the night before here he is, helping me put it.
Together at because I literally came out there.
Just started sobbing, I felt this overwhelming heaviness on
Christmas Eve because it was just so apparent that I was
alone and I wasn't alone. My mom was with me, but it it's
not the same and yeah, I can't really even remember Christmassy
and honestly, I didn't do the toys or anything.
I didn't either I, we where's didn't get any toys?
No. No, but I'll put this.
I'll tell you a little story. About start Karis, we little
story. I thought.
Okay. And everyone thought I was crazy
but I thought. Okay, what is the most
distracting place on earth? Oh, no, is Neal and for three
children, oh my gosh, they were like, yes, ma'am, we went to
Disney, I had almost lost my child also, right?
And so, it was kind of all about my five-year-old.
We recruited this other wonderful family, friends of
ours. And my parents went and we Went
to Disney and I was still the funny thing about that trip is I
was still kind of crippled and they kept trying to throw
Wheelchairs and canes and things actually have taken it.
And I was like, I want to fly. I used to be one of those people
at Disney that's on the cart or whatever.
So, I had my right arm was frozen straight.
I had a really funny way of walking.
I'm Cliff, why was lurching around drunk anyway?
It Is just an odd time, but y'all reminded me.
I went to Disneyland, I forgot with Hunters, whole family in
Disney, you're in Orlando. Like I was, I did, didn't, I am
did not eat as many nice. It's not too late, but I did
stockings and some gifts like Santa came.
So I did the traditional we had a condo in Florida and my sweet
sweet friend to, to sent a little mini tree to the condo.
And I just kind of put the Is neat.
The kids didn't know. We want to Disney.
It's a kind of kind of put. They just thought we were doing
Florida, and I put the Disney passes or whatever on the tree
and then my friend had seized a little gift cards and things.
And so we did have a little bit of a tree, but it really wasn't
traditional at all. I just I couldn't.
I couldn't do it. I couldn't be in the head and
neither I couldn't, I couldn't even.
I mean we Japan go to my sister's, a lot, and I couldn't
even. And we also had lost.
My dad had died that same year, so it was like double doozy and
I was just like Like I can't well and then your family is
grieving like, right? Your mom is grieving her
husband. And her sister is grieving her
dad and Toby, right? So it's like the people that
would normally be the ones lifting you up and have the
energy to do it. But yeah, it was just bad for
all around for the whole family. I don't think people realize how
if they don't realize how lonely it is?
This is taking me back and I can remember it, like, it was
yesterday. I mean, those are very clear
feelings, I'm So glad that it's been a lot of times since then
11 and a half years. I'm so glad I don't feel that
way anymore. It's taken 10 years because a
lot of people think, God Levin and have year, you should be
good by now went honey. It took 10 years to feel like a
normal person. Yeah, like that all it because
all of those new normals become normal then, right?
Like now it's like he's been gone longer than I was with him.
So that's another thing that's weird.
So we were going at Father's Day, is this?
This month. So that first year, lucky me,
Father's Day landed on the same day that we had had the accident
that he had died, and I worship to do.
That was the Gathering of the families.
Were we released the? We release the balloons, and I
would say that from here, from here on out, it's mostly been
either getting together, mostly getting together with my dad.
I would say. But there's also things where
kids are in camps and we're not always together.
And Father's Day just because of the time of year and there have
been times where my kids have been with other families or
they've been at a camp and I've had to reach out and say, Hey,
you know, just a heads up, this is a tricky thing for my kid and
the first birthday actually. June 11th right before the
Father's day was kind of more Our Father's Day because the
kids wrote Happy Birthday Daddy in the sand and they wrote we
love you we miss you in the sand and it was that was kind of a
kind of a nice therapeutic moment that we all had and then
my friend that was with us made the Strawberry Shortcake from
scratch because she's like an amazing cook and I would have
gone and bought something. No I like that.
I was I don't know what I was thinking but I had the kids.
This is so weird. I bought Father's Day cards and
I had the kids sign them what in the world?
I don't know. And then they did all that.
And and then what do I going to do with the Guards, wherever
you've got him, buried. Yeah, that might have been
confusing a mind. That is, that's why I'm saying,
I like what you did or young something in the sand, or, or we
to Providers letter pictures of them?
Yeah, with the writing in the sand and I was like, Daddy can
see, but they were little, they were, you know, 5 9 and 11.
But you have to forgive yourself to and it's not like you've been
a widow before know how girl, how did so many weirdo thing?
We are just making it up. I think I won.
Still making it up as we go along.
Yeah, one year, I bought some little journals and for each boy
and I was like, y'all can write some stories about Dad and yeah,
I did that it didn't that? No, no they never one kid wrote
once. I mean if they did I don't I
don't know about it but I doubt it but I tried.
I'm curious. What do you feel like the
balloons? Releasing the balloons with was
that therapeutic for your kids? I was completely medicated that
day. I think they had they had Put me
on my my psychiatrist at the time I put me on some
antidepressants for me. It was almost too much and I
just I was just out of it, but I did hear from friends, I was
there but I wasn't there and I didn't actually do the friends
kind of took over the writing. I mean I know that sounds
terrible. I guess I was completely checked
out but they said that my youngest.
Yeah. They said the kids really like
put thought into what they were going to write and I think they
Put the notes inside. I don't remember.
We just attached to the Bottom Road it but I remember him
really getting into it. Well, that age for sure and
you're sure. Yeah, I think idea of the it's
going up to heaven and I do remember that was a big that was
that made sense to the kids, right?
We're sending this you know, I knew it was going to end up
across town like on a you know they were going to get in
trouble because when the balloons pop he goes, nobody's
going to be there to clean it up.
I So tickle because of course the way he thinks instead of
it's going to heaven to see Daddy and it's so sweet.
He's like who's going to pick up all those balloons?
Whatever pops was like oh no first time that finale
difficult, everybody handles them differently and however you
choose to do it. It's good, it's okay.
And there's no right or there's no right or wrong.
And I do think it is important, especially with the kids to
acknowledge it. I mean, obviously if it's a big
holiday, you're not going. Ignore it, but I think the four
of us are saying consistency with the way you decorated
before he died. It was important to continue
that but you don't have to do it exactly the same because that
causes stress and you can change it up from year to year.
I mean, and also I just wanted to jump in with.
Please don't compare yourself to the other families in these
moments. Because I think there's so much
pressure on these mom's you know, with the magic Pajamas and
oh my gosh, the gourmet meal or whatever it is and I still feel
that. I just felt that honestly
through this whole graduation process.
Yeah it was just like I got to give myself a break.
You know, I'm not ever going to be able to be at that level that
I was at before when I had sure. I was even at that level before
he dies, everything somebody man people are like I don't know
that's really been something that's been on my mind lately.
She is just these other moms doing all this stuff, they
really, they forget, they don't realize what else you're
carrying and that you're just not going to be able to get to
all the things and do all the things and, you know, just be
kind of like maybe as organized or as on it as you were.
And I mean I'm talking still like it's coming up on nine
years for us. I'm still not as organizer on
top of everything. As these other but inlays are
well, even when they were alive, I'm tired with one.
I can't even imagine doing it by myself, with two or three, so
anybody that would ever be like having expectations is
ridiculous. Yeah, yeah, cut yourself.
Some slack, like you said, we're down a man.
You're wearing pajamas at all. You're winning.
Yeah, around for fabulous men. Yes room.
Yeah. It might had a pull up on it as
I'm sure you are Sunday morning. He's come on Christmas morning.
That's me exactly. So we thank you so much for
listening and if you like what you're hearing or if you don't
like what you're hearing, why don't you send us a comment?
Or if you have topics that you'd like for us to address here on
every Widow thing we would love to hear from you at every Widow
thing on Instagram. You also, when you're listening
to this podcast, write a review for us.
We are a new podcast. We're trying to get ourselves
out there and help as many people as possible.
And when we have likes and followers and and reviews that
just helps us get our message out.
So we appreciate hearing that something we shared a touch
someone else. Yes, we're getting a lot of
texts and emails sharing with us how our words are helping them.
So we point that is the point. So thank you and we'll be back.
Oh no, I'll actually a break. You're looking at me.
Holly why don't you say it? He's weird.
We will be back next week. We're going to take a break for
the summer and we will be back in September.