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This is every Widow thing. 
Welcome back to every Widow 

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thing. 
I am Lacey and I'm here with 

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Whitney Kira and Holly. 
Hi, hi, hi. 

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So today, we're going to talk 
about firsts when you are still 

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in shock the year that 
everything changed. 

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Yeah, thanks so much. 
You guys have the same 

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experience Oliver died in 
October. 

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So there was Halloween, then 
there was Thanksgiving and then 

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there was Christmas and writer 
was born on January 1st. 

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Yes. 
So there were four like they 

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were. 
All right. 

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They're together. 
And then the funny thing is, 

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when the spring break rolled 
around, I thought shoe, I've 

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gone through all of them, I'm 
done because Valentine's Day 

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two. 
Yeah, they were all over. 

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So in less than six months, I 
had finished those firsts. 

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I remember that I am not like 
this, but my mom and my sisters,

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they're the type that will 
decorate for the holiday a month

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or two in advance. 
So, as soon as think I'm 

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Thanksgiving Day, the Christmas 
tree is up and Easter. 

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Everything is bunnies and eggs. 
In crosses. 

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And so my mom was living with us
and September 30th. 

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She's got all of the Halloween 
stuff up and you know, what's 

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crazy? 
At the time I was like, oh, we 

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should get tombstones and write 
our names on it with like 

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something funny. 
I'm so glad that I did not do 

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that because the very next day 
is when Hunter went into the 

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hospital and then ended up 
dying, I would drive home from 

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the hospital and see the 
Halloween stuff in the yard and 

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I was like, I'm glad that she 
put all that stuff up now 

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because there's no way in hell. 
I would have been decorating at 

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all, dodged, a bullet there. 
And, and for the kids talking 

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about normalcy, they do want 
those things. 

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And, and consistency, if you've 
always decorated on wanted to 

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trick or treat and do all that, 
but I couldn't, I had no 

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capacity or energy for 
decorations and didn't do 

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anything. 
Yeah, I wouldn't have. 

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My mom is the one that did it. 
And And it was before he died. 

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So what that was like, decorated
for Halloween, he died on 

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October 12. 
Yeah. 

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And I told you I want is the 
white widow. 

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Yes, wider. 
But did you do up Halloween? 

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But you went into for the dark 
humor right away and I had a 

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skeleton and Rider made me he 
was very, very adamant. 

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I'm glad that he voiced that to 
you. 

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That I do think that it was 
important for the kids because 

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life does go on even though our 
lives have been Ian and we're 

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not necessarily in the head 
space. 

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The kids need it. 
Yeah, I remember struggling with

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the trick or treating because we
had the three. 

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Yes. 
Delhi. 

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Hard to like coordinate for. 
I don't think I decorated. 

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I think they were bummed. 
Yeah. 

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And have the energy. 
I taught us Halloween because 

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that was pretty soon. 
Yeah, visit I was probably still

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used to having surgeries and 
things so that didn't happen but

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I do remember trick-or-treating 
with Karis. 

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What do you do? 
Holly. 

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I was trying to remember 
Halloween. 

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I don't know. 
My first holiday was Easter, 

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actually the first two years for
Easter, friends loaned us their 

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lake house and two of my good 
friends and all of our kids that

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had known each other from when 
they were little went to the 

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lake house again, we were 
escaping. 

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Yeah. 
But we didn't egg hunt, and it 

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was fun. 
I mean, you know, it was 

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different, it was ajar more 
family coming because I feel 

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like those first. 
Well, and I lived near family. 

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Yeah I travel to see them. 
Yeah well I it's hard for me 

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because I they were older 11 and
14 so it wasn't like we're going

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to put on our Easter outfit and 
go I mean like traditional I 

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don't know I just was like I 
can't do this so I wanted to do 

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something different and then 
Mother's Day and we were 

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together I can't really see 
those the first or so. 

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Is that the first holla Mother's
Day? 

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No. 
I think it was our second 

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Mother's Day. 
That was really fun. 

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Our boys were together and they 
didn't really know each other. 

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Fortunately, our kids don't 
really ever hang out. 

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They go to different schools and
I always wish that it had been 

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different. 
I was just wish that I know I do

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think Thomas Karis son. 
Just did this great podcast for 

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school and he interviewed a 
couple of our kids and it's 

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called dealing with duh. 
Yes, dealing with death, which 

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is such a great name, really big
game and he's talking to kids 

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who lost a parent York. 
Kids. 

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Yeah my kids and Hayden came 
home after talking with Thomas 

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and he was like, it was really 
nice to have a conversation with

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someone who understood what we 
go through and process is great 

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Thomas. 
Did it for his senior senior 

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project at Saint Andrews? 
And it may, why would they want?

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It's a bossy like we did a lot 
of these kids really bury those 

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feelings. 
Yeah, they don't feel 

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comfortable being vulnerable is 
sometimes. 

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Even with a therapist they know 
I think Ali. 

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So some of the questions that 
Thomas ask Hayden, he had never 

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even thought about like dug into
those feelings or thoughts. 

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He and he says, on the podcast I
just kind of pushed it away. 

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Yeah I don't feel like really 
good. 

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What my boys have done when 
Gabe's friend died, a couple 

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months ago. 
He will not go to a therapist 

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and I kind of think back to I'm 
definitely more vulnerable now 

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with them. 
But I think back to talking 

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about first I don't real hard 
time how to deal with them, like

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Toby's birthday, how to talk 
about it because it was never. 

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I don't know, I guess I wasn't 
taught to be open about it so 

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I'm trying to be more open with 
my kids now and if I could go 

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back, I'd probably do his 
birthday different. 

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I remember talking to friends 
and family when those kind of 

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the birthdays and things arose 
and I said I just want it to be 

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organic. 
I don't know if we're going to 

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talk about him, I want it to 
just kind of come up naturally. 

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Like a story about Dad. 
I didn't want to sit down and 

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force on the birthday. 
Let's all tell a story or a 

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memory or something, I was 
trying to just let it be but 

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that's because they were so 
little. 

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And I think now we sometimes 
will say, let's talk about a 

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memory, you know, once they're 
older and they can write their 

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more mature. 
I think you can do that by the 

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beginning. 
I was like, I don't know how to 

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bring it up without it being 
sort. 

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Of course, I would say things 
like, as far as like his 

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birthday, I would just be like, 
hey, Hey guys, it's Dad's 

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birthday. 
Like the first birthday. 

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Hey guys. 
So your dad's birthday is this 

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week actually on his birthday. 
The first year, his parents, and

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I threw a memorial for him at 
stubs and hey, and Campbell's, 

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little band played music. 
And it was really nice. 

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Except for, I humiliated myself,
I had too much bourbon because I

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don't drink it and then it was 
bullet because that was Hunters 

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drink. 
So everyone's giving me Bulleit 

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Bourbon and I got up to speak 
and I was like, is this thing 

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on? 
Okay, everybody don't forget to 

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tip your waiters if anybody can 
pull it off. 

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No. 
And which to this day, I still 

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can't watch it because I am 
humiliated, that's awesome. 

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And I had a whole thing written 
out. 

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But I went off book and I was 
just like so anyway, everybody, 

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I'm sure people were like, what 
the heck? 

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I bet I'm super go to though my 
go-to because that's how I'm 

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admit. 
Yes. 

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When I met you for the first 
time, I was like, she just seems

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so happy. 
He like, I was a miserable rat. 

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You were super upbeat, that's my
go-to, and I've said it before, 

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I get it, the toxic positivity. 
I don't my brain says, we're not

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going to dwell on that, so let's
not even process it and move 

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straight into the blessings. 
So, there needs to be 

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moderation. 
And then the comedy, I go to 

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Comedy, you'll know when I'm 
super uncomfortable, because I 

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start saying things like tip 
your waiter. 

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Yeah. 
Anyway, now we know what to 

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watch out, but I did, I would 
tell the kids. 

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Hey, so your dad's birthday is 
this weekend. 

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I was going to make chicken 
fried steak because that was his

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favorite, but I would like to 
honor that day because it's a 

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really special day for me and 
then they'll be like, oh yeah, 

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no problem that I think a lot of
it of it is like you were saying

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food, we always make strawberry 
shortcake. 

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We always kind of maybe do 
something, he would want to do 

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an activity and I think that's a
that's a really nice way to 

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honor them. 
And yeah, I mean, throw it out 

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to the kids Oh yeah. 
And we would get with his 

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parents to that's always a go to
for me because they live close 

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by. 
And and then it's we ever did 

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anything for his birthday Ryder 
was only 6 and I don't know, I 

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mean, there's not really much a 
six-year-old can do. 

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Yeah so do you don't acknowledge
it now but we do that we talked 

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about in his birthday today and 
you know but you had to ring a 

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kid. 
Wider also does not remember 

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that much. 
Like I used to think it was 

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somehow he had buried it but his
He had a therapist. 

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His name is Sean. 
Kent. 

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I'm going to give him a shout 
out. 

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He is the most amazing person 
I've ever met in my life. 

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He's just a wonderful therapist 
and he said, it's not buried, he

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he does, that's not what money 
there. 

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That's, it's not there. 
And way he said, I think he did 

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that when he was young but, you 
know, every age, it's just how 

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they process is very different 
and he said, I don't know what, 

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I don't know, and is that hard 
for you? 

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Because it's sort of hard for me
with my youngest I really 

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thought about. 
About it. 

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Because Karen, I did the same 
thing which I think is really 

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weird. 
We didn't even talk about it. 

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I don't think did we? 
I don't know. 

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Watch that watch thing for 
graduation here and I both gave 

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our sons, our husbands watches 
and had them engrave. 

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Yeah. 
And the song that writer and I 

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were on a trip to Boston because
he's going to go to Northeastern

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and he we were going to a 
restaurant in the song, Every 

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Breath You Take come came on and
he said, who does this remind 

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you of? 
We didn't have to say, we knew. 

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Right. 
So to be kind of funny on the 

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inside. 
I put, I'll be watching you. 

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Yeah. 
Oh my God, that's a lot. 

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Love, Dad. 
And that was, that's the only 

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time I've ever seen him, get, 
misty-eyed. 

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When I gave it to him and he 
said, oh, so, but he said, look 

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on the inside. 
He looked on the inside and he 

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got really watery eyes. 
And so I had to like, cut it off

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because I was like, I didn't, I 
didn't know it was going to do 

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that to him because he doesn't 
ever go there. 

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He didn't either I think I just 
had four Thomas love Dad, but I 

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said love Dad too. 
And then I think I was in a 

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conversation with somebody about
is that odd? 

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Because obviously, his dad's 
not. 

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Yeah. 
And I said, no, because he loved

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her me. 
It was like, we were both giving

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him the watch, you know? 
Like if we were it's like Frank 

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and I were giving him the watch 
together. 

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Sure. 
And I tell my kid, I mean you 

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all know me I talked to the kids
all the time about he's not 

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really gone. 
He's here in a different way so 

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I don't think it's weird. 
He is their dad. 

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And I remember Hunters. 
Mom is saying they're done. 

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Yeah, I remember early on 
Hunters. 

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Mom said something to me like, 
oh, well, I was talking to some 

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people that we just met and they
asked if we had children. 

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And I, I said I had two sons and
then I felt like I had to stop 

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and say, well, I have one living
son in one dead son and I go. 

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No, you don't, you have two 
sons. 

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Yeah, you will always have two 
sons and you don't have to make 

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one of them past tense. 
Same thing with you. 

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You know, the dad that is their 
dad and they and he will always 

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00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:36,300
be the dad driver said something
that really bothered me in the 

226
00:11:36,308 --> 00:11:38,600
beginning because it first I 
thought, oh that's a great way 

227
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:41,400
to channel it. 
I was talking about when you 

228
00:11:41,408 --> 00:11:42,900
know, his dad's death. 
I guess it was the year 

229
00:11:42,900 --> 00:11:45,900
anniversary. 
We released Balloons with 

230
00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:49,000
things, we would tell him with 
the little notes and did that 

231
00:11:49,000 --> 00:11:52,800
whole thing with my family. 
And he said, I said, well what 

232
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,300
do you think about all of this? 
And he said in my mind he's on 

233
00:11:55,300 --> 00:11:58,500
vacation, I said, but he would 
want to be with you. 

234
00:11:59,100 --> 00:12:02,200
He's I didn't leave you. 
He couldn't help it. 

235
00:12:02,500 --> 00:12:05,400
So it's a double-edged sword. 
Part of me is like glad that he 

236
00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:08,600
wasn't grieving because he was 
like dad's just away. 

237
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:11,900
He's having a fun time but I 
said but your dad would have 

238
00:12:11,900 --> 00:12:15,600
never left you. 
I do think it's interesting, the

239
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:20,800
adult brain and the child brain.
And I know for me, what causes 

240
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:25,300
me, a lot of pain is when I try 
to put my brain on them. 

241
00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:29,400
Yeah, and my experiences and my 
relationships and my whatever. 

242
00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:33,500
And they aren't processing it in
the same way, so to him, maybe 

243
00:12:33,500 --> 00:12:36,700
the vacation. 
Wasn't he left me intentionally?

244
00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:40,200
It's more. 
He's okay and and and I'll see 

245
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,700
him again someday. 
Yeah it was a way of having a 

246
00:12:43,708 --> 00:12:46,900
good time. 
We did some family therapy the 

247
00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:52,100
three of us and it was coming up
on the year anniversary and she 

248
00:12:52,100 --> 00:12:55,100
asked the boys, what would your 
dad want you to do? 

249
00:12:55,700 --> 00:13:00,100
And they said have fun. 
And so they decided We had 

250
00:13:00,100 --> 00:13:06,600
friends over and they went to 
the temple in place awkward. 

251
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:08,400
But that's what they wanted to 
do. 

252
00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:11,600
And then they but you're Toby 
was fun, though, was yeah, a fun

253
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:13,200
guy. 
Well and then that day, which 

254
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:17,000
perfect my thing for me without 
the boys we did. 

255
00:13:18,300 --> 00:13:22,100
This pain has been class with 
all his music and all his 

256
00:13:22,100 --> 00:13:24,700
friends. 
You made me this wig sitting 

257
00:13:24,700 --> 00:13:28,100
front row right in the front row
because you're so good. 

258
00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:31,600
But that was it. 
I loved my playlist, for me. 

259
00:13:31,600 --> 00:13:33,200
I got the playlist isn't always 
easy. 

260
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:36,500
I wish I had done something like
that, so that was the first 

261
00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:40,000
anniversary of his death that 
you're right, which I don't 

262
00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:43,600
necessarily acknowledge it. 
I mean, you can't forget about 

263
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:46,400
it, but I don't acknowledge it 
anymore. 

264
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,100
I don't either. 
I don't either. 

265
00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:51,700
I don't even care. 
I did a people would reach out 

266
00:13:51,700 --> 00:13:54,700
and I would just say it's just a
day, like it's just one day just

267
00:13:54,700 --> 00:13:56,500
going to get through the day and
then tomorrow, it's over. 

268
00:13:56,500 --> 00:13:57,700
Yeah. 
You don't want to give any 

269
00:13:57,700 --> 00:13:59,600
energy to that kind of how I'd 
rather. 

270
00:13:59,800 --> 00:14:03,300
Give energy to his birthday and 
our anniversary, and the fun 

271
00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:06,400
things, but the first year, that
was my Approach. 

272
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:08,300
We did. 
Let's celebrate the birthday, 

273
00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:10,800
not the day that he died. 
They see. 

274
00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:13,700
What did you do something on the
first death anniversary? 

275
00:14:13,900 --> 00:14:16,700
Yet we release the balloon. 
That was the balloon we had to 

276
00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:19,600
but it was Father's a combined 
unfortunately. 

277
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:25,000
So June 21st, that first year 
was Father's Day and the 

278
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:29,300
anniversary of the accident and 
we did gathered with families 

279
00:14:29,300 --> 00:14:32,200
and to the Balloons to, I kind 
of had a balloon moment to but 

280
00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:36,400
we went to New Mexico and did 
the hot air balloon festival fun

281
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,700
because his parents were living 
in New Mexico at the time. 

282
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:42,700
And that was fun and and we were
winning his about their parents.

283
00:14:42,700 --> 00:14:44,500
Yeah, it was great. 
You had to get up at the crack 

284
00:14:44,500 --> 00:14:47,900
of dawn, but who the people, the
Magnolia people that live in 

285
00:14:47,900 --> 00:14:50,300
Waco. 
Get the games they were there. 

286
00:14:50,500 --> 00:14:51,700
Oh, that's so, that was kind of 
cool. 

287
00:14:51,700 --> 00:14:55,400
But anyway, yeah. 
We and then his parents did one 

288
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:59,500
of those Karns with the stones, 
you know, in their front yard. 

289
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:03,400
We did that. 
Yeah, now they've moved. 

290
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:05,500
So yeah, those rocks, I didn't 
think on. 

291
00:15:05,700 --> 00:15:07,600
No. 
The only one I get upset about 

292
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:11,300
his the wedding anniversary when
people stopped acknowledging 

293
00:15:11,300 --> 00:15:14,000
them. 
That's a really hard one, right?

294
00:15:14,000 --> 00:15:18,200
The anniversary because when you
see other couples that are 

295
00:15:18,300 --> 00:15:22,200
celebrating it and you're like, 
I would have had that Milestone.

296
00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:25,800
But I think all four of us do 
feel that way, we really felt 

297
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,900
like our marriages were solid, 
and we would definitely have 

298
00:15:28,900 --> 00:15:33,500
made it. 
My anniversary is Friday, it 

299
00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:38,300
would have been 28 years and I 
am going out with the boys to a 

300
00:15:38,308 --> 00:15:41,000
nice dinner. 
Nice, isn't it nice. 

301
00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:44,300
They're older now, and you can 
do that kind of started that 

302
00:15:44,300 --> 00:15:47,100
last year or maybe like going to
like somewhere. 

303
00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:48,000
Nice. 
I don't know. 

304
00:15:48,400 --> 00:15:50,600
Let had a hard time with it 
because I was like, I kind of 

305
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,600
want to go somewhere that was 
like a place. 

306
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:57,300
We love to go but I don't want 
to spend it changed or it's or 

307
00:15:57,300 --> 00:15:59,300
I'm like they wouldn't want to 
eat that. 

308
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:04,400
For the first anniversary, it 
was June 2, and Father's Day, 

309
00:16:04,400 --> 00:16:06,000
and all that. 
And that's when we went to 

310
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:10,000
Mexico with friends, they had a 
timeshare and so we went there 

311
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:14,000
and it was like, okay, this is a
way to be with people and 

312
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,600
celebrate and not feel sad about
it. 

313
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:21,400
But honestly this year, I didn't
even, I didn't even think about 

314
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:24,700
doing something. 
And if I did I don't know that 

315
00:16:24,700 --> 00:16:27,100
I'd want to do it with my kids, 
so the anniversary, the yeah, 

316
00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:29,200
the anniversary, I don't know 
that I'd do anything. 

317
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,000
And I just my sister who's 
wonderful about it. 

318
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:35,700
She always acknowledges it. 
What about Christmas, you guys? 

319
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:38,900
I mean, that was for me with 
kids that was huge. 

320
00:16:38,900 --> 00:16:42,700
The first Christmas like, who 
puts the toys together rallies? 

321
00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:45,800
Like I got was, I was rude 
because I'm not good at that 

322
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:47,300
kind of thing. 
And I don't like reading 

323
00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:50,300
directions and thank God for my 
brother-in-law, who's an 

324
00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:52,800
engineer. 
He would that first Christmas 

325
00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:56,100
they decided to come to my 
parents house with us. 

326
00:16:56,600 --> 00:16:59,500
So the night before here he is, 
helping me put it. 

327
00:16:59,700 --> 00:17:01,600
Together at because I literally 
came out there. 

328
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:07,400
Just started sobbing, I felt 
this overwhelming heaviness on 

329
00:17:07,500 --> 00:17:13,099
Christmas Eve because it was 
just so apparent that I was 

330
00:17:13,099 --> 00:17:17,500
alone and I wasn't alone. 
My mom was with me, but it it's 

331
00:17:17,500 --> 00:17:23,599
not the same and yeah, I can't 
really even remember Christmassy

332
00:17:23,599 --> 00:17:26,300
and honestly, I didn't do the 
toys or anything. 

333
00:17:26,599 --> 00:17:29,200
I didn't either I, we where's 
didn't get any toys? 

334
00:17:29,300 --> 00:17:31,100
No. 
No, but I'll put this. 

335
00:17:31,100 --> 00:17:33,700
I'll tell you a little story. 
About start Karis, we little 

336
00:17:33,700 --> 00:17:35,000
story. 
I thought. 

337
00:17:35,000 --> 00:17:37,200
Okay. 
And everyone thought I was crazy

338
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:39,300
but I thought. 
Okay, what is the most 

339
00:17:39,300 --> 00:17:42,900
distracting place on earth? 
Oh, no, is Neal and for three 

340
00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:47,300
children, oh my gosh, they were 
like, yes, ma'am, we went to 

341
00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:50,900
Disney, I had almost lost my 
child also, right? 

342
00:17:50,900 --> 00:17:54,300
And so, it was kind of all about
my five-year-old. 

343
00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:57,300
We recruited this other 
wonderful family, friends of 

344
00:17:57,300 --> 00:18:00,200
ours. 
And my parents went and we Went 

345
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:04,800
to Disney and I was still the 
funny thing about that trip is I

346
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:09,100
was still kind of crippled and 
they kept trying to throw 

347
00:18:09,100 --> 00:18:12,600
Wheelchairs and canes and things
actually have taken it. 

348
00:18:12,600 --> 00:18:15,700
And I was like, I want to fly. 
I used to be one of those people

349
00:18:15,700 --> 00:18:17,900
at Disney that's on the cart or 
whatever. 

350
00:18:17,900 --> 00:18:22,900
So, I had my right arm was 
frozen straight. 

351
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:25,700
I had a really funny way of 
walking. 

352
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:29,300
I'm Cliff, why was lurching 
around drunk anyway? 

353
00:18:29,300 --> 00:18:31,700
It Is just an odd time, but 
y'all reminded me. 

354
00:18:31,700 --> 00:18:35,500
I went to Disneyland, I forgot 
with Hunters, whole family in 

355
00:18:35,500 --> 00:18:39,100
Disney, you're in Orlando. 
Like I was, I did, didn't, I am 

356
00:18:39,100 --> 00:18:42,700
did not eat as many nice. 
It's not too late, but I did 

357
00:18:42,700 --> 00:18:46,600
stockings and some gifts like 
Santa came. 

358
00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:51,900
So I did the traditional we had 
a condo in Florida and my sweet 

359
00:18:51,900 --> 00:18:57,500
sweet friend to, to sent a 
little mini tree to the condo. 

360
00:18:57,900 --> 00:19:00,000
And I just kind of put the Is 
neat. 

361
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:01,700
The kids didn't know. 
We want to Disney. 

362
00:19:01,700 --> 00:19:03,400
It's a kind of kind of put. 
They just thought we were doing 

363
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:07,500
Florida, and I put the Disney 
passes or whatever on the tree 

364
00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:10,200
and then my friend had seized a 
little gift cards and things. 

365
00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:13,300
And so we did have a little bit 
of a tree, but it really wasn't 

366
00:19:13,300 --> 00:19:15,300
traditional at all. 
I just I couldn't. 

367
00:19:15,300 --> 00:19:16,700
I couldn't do it. 
I couldn't be in the head and 

368
00:19:16,700 --> 00:19:18,800
neither I couldn't, I couldn't 
even. 

369
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:21,400
I mean we Japan go to my 
sister's, a lot, and I couldn't 

370
00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:24,600
even. 
And we also had lost. 

371
00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:28,800
My dad had died that same year, 
so it was like double doozy and 

372
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:33,500
I was just like Like I can't 
well and then your family is 

373
00:19:33,500 --> 00:19:36,300
grieving like, right? 
Your mom is grieving her 

374
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,700
husband. 
And her sister is grieving her 

375
00:19:38,700 --> 00:19:41,900
dad and Toby, right? 
So it's like the people that 

376
00:19:41,900 --> 00:19:45,300
would normally be the ones 
lifting you up and have the 

377
00:19:45,300 --> 00:19:47,800
energy to do it. 
But yeah, it was just bad for 

378
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:51,200
all around for the whole family.
I don't think people realize how

379
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,400
if they don't realize how lonely
it is? 

380
00:19:53,900 --> 00:19:56,300
This is taking me back and I can
remember it, like, it was 

381
00:19:56,300 --> 00:19:58,600
yesterday. 
I mean, those are very clear 

382
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:03,300
feelings, I'm So glad that it's 
been a lot of times since then 

383
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,800
11 and a half years. 
I'm so glad I don't feel that 

384
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:09,300
way anymore. 
It's taken 10 years because a 

385
00:20:09,300 --> 00:20:11,500
lot of people think, God Levin 
and have year, you should be 

386
00:20:11,500 --> 00:20:14,200
good by now went honey. 
It took 10 years to feel like a 

387
00:20:14,208 --> 00:20:16,700
normal person. 
Yeah, like that all it because 

388
00:20:16,700 --> 00:20:19,700
all of those new normals become 
normal then, right? 

389
00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:23,000
Like now it's like he's been 
gone longer than I was with him.

390
00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:26,100
So that's another thing that's 
weird. 

391
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:29,400
So we were going at Father's 
Day, is this? 

392
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:33,200
This month. 
So that first year, lucky me, 

393
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:37,200
Father's Day landed on the same 
day that we had had the accident

394
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:39,800
that he had died, and I worship 
to do. 

395
00:20:40,100 --> 00:20:41,900
That was the Gathering of the 
families. 

396
00:20:41,900 --> 00:20:45,600
Were we released the? 
We release the balloons, and I 

397
00:20:45,608 --> 00:20:50,500
would say that from here, from 
here on out, it's mostly been 

398
00:20:50,700 --> 00:20:53,200
either getting together, mostly 
getting together with my dad. 

399
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:55,700
I would say. 
But there's also things where 

400
00:20:55,700 --> 00:20:59,500
kids are in camps and we're not 
always together. 

401
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:02,600
And Father's Day just because of
the time of year and there have 

402
00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:05,800
been times where my kids have 
been with other families or 

403
00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:09,300
they've been at a camp and I've 
had to reach out and say, Hey, 

404
00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:13,800
you know, just a heads up, this 
is a tricky thing for my kid and

405
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:17,900
the first birthday actually. 
June 11th right before the 

406
00:21:17,900 --> 00:21:21,800
Father's day was kind of more 
Our Father's Day because the 

407
00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:27,400
kids wrote Happy Birthday Daddy 
in the sand and they wrote we 

408
00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:30,300
love you we miss you in the sand
and it was that was kind of a 

409
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:34,700
kind of a nice therapeutic 
moment that we all had and then 

410
00:21:34,700 --> 00:21:39,000
my friend that was with us made 
the Strawberry Shortcake from 

411
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:42,800
scratch because she's like an 
amazing cook and I would have 

412
00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:44,900
gone and bought something. 
No I like that. 

413
00:21:44,900 --> 00:21:47,700
I was I don't know what I was 
thinking but I had the kids. 

414
00:21:47,700 --> 00:21:51,600
This is so weird. 
I bought Father's Day cards and 

415
00:21:51,600 --> 00:21:54,900
I had the kids sign them what in
the world? 

416
00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:57,600
I don't know. 
And then they did all that. 

417
00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:01,500
And and then what do I going to 
do with the Guards, wherever 

418
00:22:01,500 --> 00:22:03,300
you've got him, buried. 
Yeah, that might have been 

419
00:22:03,300 --> 00:22:06,200
confusing a mind. 
That is, that's why I'm saying, 

420
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:11,100
I like what you did or young 
something in the sand, or, or we

421
00:22:11,100 --> 00:22:13,800
to Providers letter pictures of 
them? 

422
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:16,500
Yeah, with the writing in the 
sand and I was like, Daddy can 

423
00:22:16,500 --> 00:22:21,300
see, but they were little, they 
were, you know, 5 9 and 11. 

424
00:22:21,300 --> 00:22:23,800
But you have to forgive yourself
to and it's not like you've been

425
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:27,400
a widow before know how girl, 
how did so many weirdo thing? 

426
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:29,400
We are just making it up. 
I think I won. 

427
00:22:29,500 --> 00:22:31,100
Still making it up as we go 
along. 

428
00:22:31,100 --> 00:22:35,600
Yeah, one year, I bought some 
little journals and for each boy

429
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:40,100
and I was like, y'all can write 
some stories about Dad and yeah,

430
00:22:40,100 --> 00:22:43,300
I did that it didn't that? 
No, no they never one kid wrote 

431
00:22:43,300 --> 00:22:45,400
once. 
I mean if they did I don't I 

432
00:22:45,408 --> 00:22:48,600
don't know about it but I doubt 
it but I tried. 

433
00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:50,300
I'm curious. 
What do you feel like the 

434
00:22:50,300 --> 00:22:52,400
balloons? 
Releasing the balloons with was 

435
00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:57,300
that therapeutic for your kids? 
I was completely medicated that 

436
00:22:57,300 --> 00:22:59,900
day. 
I think they had they had Put me

437
00:22:59,900 --> 00:23:04,100
on my my psychiatrist at the 
time I put me on some 

438
00:23:04,100 --> 00:23:07,600
antidepressants for me. 
It was almost too much and I 

439
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:13,000
just I was just out of it, but I
did hear from friends, I was 

440
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:17,500
there but I wasn't there and I 
didn't actually do the friends 

441
00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:20,200
kind of took over the writing. 
I mean I know that sounds 

442
00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:22,100
terrible. 
I guess I was completely checked

443
00:23:22,100 --> 00:23:25,100
out but they said that my 
youngest. 

444
00:23:25,100 --> 00:23:26,500
Yeah. 
They said the kids really like 

445
00:23:26,500 --> 00:23:29,300
put thought into what they were 
going to write and I think they 

446
00:23:29,500 --> 00:23:32,300
Put the notes inside. 
I don't remember. 

447
00:23:32,300 --> 00:23:35,500
We just attached to the Bottom 
Road it but I remember him 

448
00:23:35,500 --> 00:23:38,900
really getting into it. 
Well, that age for sure and 

449
00:23:38,900 --> 00:23:41,300
you're sure. 
Yeah, I think idea of the it's 

450
00:23:41,300 --> 00:23:45,100
going up to heaven and I do 
remember that was a big that was

451
00:23:45,100 --> 00:23:47,100
that made sense to the kids, 
right? 

452
00:23:47,100 --> 00:23:49,200
We're sending this you know, I 
knew it was going to end up 

453
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:54,800
across town like on a you know 
they were going to get in 

454
00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:57,600
trouble because when the 
balloons pop he goes, nobody's 

455
00:23:57,600 --> 00:23:58,900
going to be there to clean it 
up. 

456
00:23:59,100 --> 00:24:02,600
I So tickle because of course 
the way he thinks instead of 

457
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:05,200
it's going to heaven to see 
Daddy and it's so sweet. 

458
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:07,300
He's like who's going to pick up
all those balloons? 

459
00:24:07,300 --> 00:24:11,600
Whatever pops was like oh no 
first time that finale 

460
00:24:11,600 --> 00:24:17,000
difficult, everybody handles 
them differently and however you

461
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,900
choose to do it. 
It's good, it's okay. 

462
00:24:19,900 --> 00:24:21,900
And there's no right or there's 
no right or wrong. 

463
00:24:21,900 --> 00:24:26,000
And I do think it is important, 
especially with the kids to 

464
00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,400
acknowledge it. 
I mean, obviously if it's a big 

465
00:24:28,400 --> 00:24:31,800
holiday, you're not going. 
Ignore it, but I think the four 

466
00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:35,900
of us are saying consistency 
with the way you decorated 

467
00:24:35,900 --> 00:24:39,300
before he died. 
It was important to continue 

468
00:24:39,300 --> 00:24:43,100
that but you don't have to do it
exactly the same because that 

469
00:24:43,100 --> 00:24:46,500
causes stress and you can change
it up from year to year. 

470
00:24:46,600 --> 00:24:49,900
I mean, and also I just wanted 
to jump in with. 

471
00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:53,700
Please don't compare yourself to
the other families in these 

472
00:24:53,700 --> 00:24:56,100
moments. 
Because I think there's so much 

473
00:24:56,100 --> 00:25:00,900
pressure on these mom's you 
know, with the magic Pajamas and

474
00:25:00,900 --> 00:25:06,800
oh my gosh, the gourmet meal or 
whatever it is and I still feel 

475
00:25:06,800 --> 00:25:08,200
that. 
I just felt that honestly 

476
00:25:08,200 --> 00:25:10,100
through this whole graduation 
process. 

477
00:25:10,100 --> 00:25:13,600
Yeah it was just like I got to 
give myself a break. 

478
00:25:13,600 --> 00:25:16,700
You know, I'm not ever going to 
be able to be at that level that

479
00:25:16,700 --> 00:25:21,400
I was at before when I had sure.
I was even at that level before 

480
00:25:21,400 --> 00:25:26,400
he dies, everything somebody man
people are like I don't know 

481
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:29,300
that's really been something 
that's been on my mind lately. 

482
00:25:29,500 --> 00:25:35,200
She is just these other moms 
doing all this stuff, they 

483
00:25:35,200 --> 00:25:38,500
really, they forget, they don't 
realize what else you're 

484
00:25:38,500 --> 00:25:42,500
carrying and that you're just 
not going to be able to get to 

485
00:25:42,500 --> 00:25:46,600
all the things and do all the 
things and, you know, just be 

486
00:25:46,600 --> 00:25:51,000
kind of like maybe as organized 
or as on it as you were. 

487
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:53,800
And I mean I'm talking still 
like it's coming up on nine 

488
00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:57,500
years for us. 
I'm still not as organizer on 

489
00:25:57,500 --> 00:26:01,900
top of everything. 
As these other but inlays are 

490
00:26:01,900 --> 00:26:05,300
well, even when they were alive,
I'm tired with one. 

491
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:09,500
I can't even imagine doing it by
myself, with two or three, so 

492
00:26:09,500 --> 00:26:13,000
anybody that would ever be like 
having expectations is 

493
00:26:13,000 --> 00:26:15,300
ridiculous. 
Yeah, yeah, cut yourself. 

494
00:26:15,300 --> 00:26:17,500
Some slack, like you said, we're
down a man. 

495
00:26:17,500 --> 00:26:19,800
You're wearing pajamas at all. 
You're winning. 

496
00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:23,900
Yeah, around for fabulous men. 
Yes room. 

497
00:26:23,900 --> 00:26:26,200
Yeah. 
It might had a pull up on it as 

498
00:26:26,200 --> 00:26:30,800
I'm sure you are Sunday morning.
He's come on Christmas morning. 

499
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:37,100
That's me exactly. 
So we thank you so much for 

500
00:26:37,100 --> 00:26:41,200
listening and if you like what 
you're hearing or if you don't 

501
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:44,700
like what you're hearing, why 
don't you send us a comment? 

502
00:26:44,700 --> 00:26:48,400
Or if you have topics that you'd
like for us to address here on 

503
00:26:48,400 --> 00:26:51,800
every Widow thing we would love 
to hear from you at every Widow 

504
00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:55,200
thing on Instagram. 
You also, when you're listening 

505
00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:58,200
to this podcast, write a review 
for us. 

506
00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:00,700
We are a new podcast. 
We're trying to get ourselves 

507
00:27:00,700 --> 00:27:02,900
out there and help as many 
people as possible. 

508
00:27:02,900 --> 00:27:07,400
And when we have likes and 
followers and and reviews that 

509
00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:10,000
just helps us get our message 
out. 

510
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:13,300
So we appreciate hearing that 
something we shared a touch 

511
00:27:13,300 --> 00:27:15,300
someone else. 
Yes, we're getting a lot of 

512
00:27:15,300 --> 00:27:19,500
texts and emails sharing with us
how our words are helping them. 

513
00:27:19,700 --> 00:27:25,200
So we point that is the point. 
So thank you and we'll be back. 

514
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:30,500
Oh no, I'll actually a break. 
You're looking at me. 

515
00:27:30,500 --> 00:27:32,500
Holly why don't you say it? 
He's weird. 

516
00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:40,700
We will be back next week. 
We're going to take a break for 

517
00:27:40,700 --> 00:27:43,900
the summer and we will be back 
in September.