You found us. I'm so glad you did, but I'm
sorry that you had to. Who are we?
I'll tell you what we're not. We're not old, we're not boring,
and we're not giving up. We're four mothers, all living
in Austin, introduced to each other because we all share a
similar tragedy. Our husbands died unexpectedly
and in the prime of their lives. So come on into our widow's
circle where trauma meets humor and we remind you that you can
not only survive, but thrive. This is every widow thing.
We've never really addressed the fact that you have a grave site
and the three of us have ashes in our closets.
Or, you know, mine is on the bookshelf because he is a
reader. We know some.
People talk about like, we had done everything financial
planning we had done. My husband wasn't religious.
But The funny thing is I made him go see the priest before we
ever got married. And we had, you know, we had all
those things, all the boxes checked.
I thought everything's done. The only thing we did not do was
talk about, like, what if you die?
Like, where would you be buried? He's from Germany.
Right. And then so in my super, in my
stupor, my mom goes, it was kind of weird to watch.
She said. You went into full blown event
planning mode like I did. I went and picked out the songs
and the priest was like, I've almost given me because he knew
me and he was like almost a little weirded out.
But it was, I mean, I planned the funeral on my.
Birthday. It was my birthday, so we were
going down all of that. So we went and looked at the
plots, the priest said. This is where everybody from
this area gets it's Austin Memorial, I think, or Austin
Cemetery, whatever it is, he said.
This is where most of our people bury their oi went and I icked
it, but I remember looking outgoing.
OK, this is a pretty spot, but the thing I remember the most is
the first time I went back after we had the tombstone made and it
was in half German and a half English because I thought that's
at least a nod to where he's from.
Since I didn't even ask his family if it was OK if for him
to be buried there. I didn't even think I was right.
You're not. Didn't even think.
I mean, I mean, am I going to ship his body?
You're. Not going to get him back to
Germany. That just seemed crazy and they
were so cool about it. I mean, I did and I did all the
things at the funeral, like they were all in German and English.
I had a German opera singer singing there.
I did the best I could to try to bring in their world, yeah,
their culture. And did they?
Come. Were they here?
The sister and brother-in-law, yes, the father doesn't travel
so that's why we did a second funeral in Germany.
But I remember Ryder and I going for the first time when it
finally the tombstone got in and on the way there he had a
little, he had written a little something on a note and I saw it
in his hand. I was thinking, oh, I wonder
what that is? And I just was bawling and we
were on the way out. I thought, I got to go look at
this thing and I couldn't find it.
I remember going up and down the house, going where is it?
Where is it? I was panicked.
I thought, Oh my God, your husband's dead.
He's in the ground and you can't even find him.
Those graveyards are very they all look alive.
I know they're they're not. It's not like street signs ever.
And I haven't. Been back in years, I can't.
Well, that was going to be my next question.
Did did you utilize, because that's a question that a lot of
people are are considering like well, if I have a grave site, am
I going to actually go to that grave site?
Do do I want to do that or do I want to have this?
You know, people don't tell you you get a shit ton of ashes.
It is not. I mean, it's not like a
truckload, but I mean, it's a box.
It's a. Cheap box though.
It is. It's a cheap.
Box, it's a heavy and then the way.
They in the box, right? Yeah, it's a no.
I put the baggie in a box. Mine is a bag in the box.
Yeah, bought the bag, you bought the box.
It's actually a bag in a box and a bag my.
Oh yes, in the velvet bag. It's like a bag in a box.
A bag in a. Bag in a bag, Yeah.
You didn't get it. You.
Didn't know you got a box my my experience picking up those.
Apps it. Was like a Saturday Night Live
skit, the people. First of all, it's like in this
weird area in like a shopping center that that has a, a, a big
glass window that they've got red velvet curtains and you're
just like, is this the place? And then you walked in and it
was like two people that looked like characters from a Saturday
Night Live. Skit for actual home.
No. And then we go in and it's two
like cardboard tables or whatever.
Who was advising your family? Did.
You end up with the cremation in the mall.
I went. Up my.
Sweet, sweet friends Sharon and Ken were.
Really, Hunter? They handled it because I was
like, I, I don't know, just. That sounds sketchy.
It was sketchy. And then we sit down because my
my friend Rob, he was a great friend of Hunter's, was with me
and we were like, is I could hear Hunter laughing like I, you
know, in my brain I was like, this is a joke.
And then these awkward, awkward Saturday Night Live characters.
Honestly, like maybe Pat, Remember Pat from?
Oh my gosh, yes. And then like, you know, I don't
know, Dieter or something, you know, the dancing guy.
Anyway, whatever. They're sitting at 2 little
cardboard tables, hardboard. Well, I mean like folding tables
or whatever, you know, I don't know, with a like a front or
something like a yeah. And they brought it out in like
a gift bag. He brought Hunter out in a gift
bag and you look in the gift bag and it is a blasted.
Hunter had a fun bag. Of femur didn't.
It Oh yeah. So baby, that was kind.
Of Rob and I were did. They doll the ribbon with the
scissors. Were they like curled it?
With tissue in it. There was a gift tag and it just
serious love hunter. No, the gift bag was bad enough,
but we were just sitting there going this is not even.
Our toy in there too. Yeah, right.
Not have to go to a Funeral Home ever.
No, I never went to a Funeral Home.
He died in the hospital and they took his body to a place.
Yes. And you know what?
He at the mall. At the mall we went, it was
behind the mall. That declares not the velvet
down from the food court. And then he had to have an
autopsy and stuff. I don't really.
It's all a blur. It's all a blur.
But anyway. It is such a very We had a topic
topic to I. Think that's a very different
it's interesting how like everybody's.
Is different. Like it used to be customer you
did awake. We did it kind of like old
school because I really honestly didn't pastor Ron was the one
who actually just told us what to do because I had no clue.
Right. You do the wake at the Funeral
Home and then you do the we did it at Tarrytown Methodist.
But the funniest thing, all the pictures that I have have to
work. It took me years to look at them
because and I saw people there. I'm like, I don't even know
them. Who is that?
But they they had the pumpkin patch.
Do you remember? That because it was October, it.
Was October the. Oh my God, He.
Got he was buried October 23rd which is my best friend's
birthday and my I planned it on my birthday on the 16th.
We had to give two weeks notice because his family had to come
over from Germany and my sister in law's passport was expired.
So they had to that expedite, you know, expeditiously.
And then we got them here. But all of the pictures have
pumpkin. And here's Oliver's casket being
wheeled out there. Pumpkins everywhere.
I thought this is kind. Of yeah, hilarious like, well,
so you might have thought you don't go back to the gravesite,
does Ryder or. Well, you know, he's never asked
at the very beginning. The only thing I remember that
happened that just and I, I keep, you know, I've told you, I
keep notes. I've been for years, even before
this, I've always like kept notes of life and stuff.
And on the way out there, I was sobbing.
And he said, mom, it's OK if you find somebody else.
And it still makes me feel sick. And I said, oh sweetie, you
know, and. And then give me some time.
I was just like, give me a minute, I.
Don't even. Campbell, my youngest, did the
same thing when we were walking out of the hospital the day he
died. He said something like, do you
think you're going to date or something weird?
And I was like, honey, I have, I have no idea.
Kids are trying to fix it, you know they want you to.
Be happy. Feel better and they, you know,
it's a more simplistic view of mommy lost her person, so let's
get her another person. And I think they want a person.
So sure, of course. He said am I get going to get a
dad, another dad? And he was only 6, so he didn't
know how that worked. And then I don't, it's funny
because the person I was engaged to, it rhymes with dad.
But The funny thing, he said, if you can't have a dad, you can
have a leave Brad, Brad, Brad. And he would say that and I'd
get so tickled because I was like, that's kind.
Of funny that is funny because he was.
Still pretty young. He was only in 4th grade, yeah.
He had a good. Sense and he had a you know, he
has a very dark sense of humor about it.
But I think that it made me feel a little pressure.
I don't know if y'all felt that pressure, but I felt a little
pressure to. I wasn't ready today.
It took three years to even darken that door.
And then when I did, I was like, I felt a little pressure to find
him one. And then I was like, I can't do
that. I they have to be right for me
first. So I think maybe that's.
Because our kids were older, a little bit older.
I don't know if I would, you know, a six year old or. 4 year
olds. Yeah, I definitely wanted.
It's funny, I went through these phases where I immediately just
wanted to plug that hole to, you know, have a family again to fix
it for the kids, have that father figure.
But then over the years, I've just realized, you know, there
won't ever be anyone that is their dad.
And now it's too late. Not their dad.
They're all too old. So it's like you have to have
that mindset of this is, and I used to say to my kids, this is
what our family looks like now. Not every family, you know, when
they're little it is. So mommy, daddy, sister,
brother, doggy, everything in school is I'm going to draw the
photo. I had one in preschool and you
know, I'm going to draw the family photo and who's in it and
where's, you know, is Daddy in it?
Is Daddy not in it? Is Daddy over here kind of in
the sky somewhere? I mean, a lot of it came out in
the artwork for my youngest, which was pretty heartbreaking.
But I would just have to say this is our family now, and
there are a lot of families that look different.
There's two dads. That's the thing, in a way.
Absolutely. That's been helpful.
I'm sure for kids going through this right now that there is no
normal family anymore. There's all different types and
we're. Still a family.
I mean, that's the bottom line. We're still a family.
We've lost someone. It looks a little different, but
we're still. Helps to be still a family.
Is this a writer's school? Is so like writer.
I've even laughed at our school. We felt like you almost have to
be really different in order to be accepted instead because
normal is not a thing, right? And so that helped me because I
was like, here I am a single parent going to another school,
but Magellan I didn't feel weird.
Saint Stephen's I never felt weird.
The people are very. There's so much alternative
lifestyle at. One point, Aslan, my oldest, her
best girlfriend, has two moms and then she was dating a boy
with two moms. And so they would get together
on Father's Day and like, go to the lake and have a picnic or
just they'd hang out and be like, none of us really have
fathers. So we're just.
Yeah, that's great. Bonding and that was, I know
that was really great for her and they would kind of giggle
about it. We touched on a lot of
interesting tidbits that hopefully you guys will find
helpful, entertaining, interesting, and that you'll
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They don't have to be widowed, but there might be people out
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Issues were. We're we're widows, but really
this podcast is about grief. And yes.
And, and that is something that every single person is going to
have to deal with at some point in their life.
So we're great for everyone, every widow thing.