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This is every widow thing. Welcome to every widow thing.
My name is Whitney. And we've got Kira and Holly and
Lacey here. We're all widows, as you well
know by this point. And we are just welcoming you to
the group. A lot of people don't have a
group like we do. So we wanted to invite you into
our conversation. We hope that we can be in some
way helpful for you. And today, Holly is sharing the
story of the day that Toby died. It's gonna be a heavy day.
So I do remember I made dinner. I made a good dinner.
You're even very proud of yourself in the crock pot.
All right. Dinner was ready because both
boys had baseball that night. I was with my older son at his
game, and Zach had baseball practice with three of his
buddies. So there were four boys that we
carpooled and. At night Toby was like, I
haven't driven in a while because all the moms, dad, we
would all tagged him and he said I haven't driven in a while,
it's my turn. So it was a little chaos.
I got home from Gabe's game. I'm like you haven't left yet.
That was I think the last thing I said to him.
So they left to go to baseball practice and OK.
So they take off and pick up the boys.
Did you have a text conversation?
We. Had a text conversation about
spring break. We were planning something to
have one of their friends come in and surprise them because we
couldn't go on a spring break because Gabe had baseball.
So we were texting about that. During the practice.
So he's at the practice and how far where was.
That it was in Dripping Springs. So it's a club baseball team and
these boys that you they've been on this team together for a
while. You knew the family as well.
Right, right. Yeah.
We're all close friends. It's around I think like 9:00,
o'clock. And I'm like, where are they?
And one of the boys had just gotten a new puppy, so I was
thinking, oh, they got out to see the puppy.
Just after that, my friend Lauren, whose son was in the
car, called me and said there's been an accident, you need to go
to Dell. I said how do you know?
And she said her son gave her number to someone on the side of
the road and so she, this woman called her, a lot of people that
got out of their cars and were sitting with our boys and help
them, help them get out of the car.
So there's four boys in the car and Toby, is that right?
Yes. So at this point, no parents
know anything except for your children have been in an
accident. Go to Dells.
Right. So I tell Gabe he was upstairs,
and as we need to go to the hospital, there's been an
accident. I was a little bit panicked,
like, how do I get there? Even though I knew totally how
to get there. And he helped me.
He's like, you're going the right way, Mom.
And he's a freshman and he. Was a freshman in high school.
He was 14. So get to the hospital and all
the parents walk in and we're just like, where would they have
taken Toby? They're not going to bring him
to Dell. And are you texting with him at
this point? I had called him 5000 times so
knew I knew something was not right.
That's why I was like, where would they have taken him?
I can't remember the exact sequence out of events, but Zach
had not gotten there yet. He was what do I flighted like
in he and one of the other boys. The other two were by ambulance.
That someone came and got me and took me into a little room in
the hospital that you don't ever want to be in and told me that
he didn't survive. So a doctor from Dells told you
this? Or a friend?
It was no. It was a Dell employee.
And you're alone in this room. No one was with me that I knew
and they asked me. Is there anyone you want us to
call? My friend Sally came like first
one, to pop into my head because I knew she would contact our
pastor. And our pastor was really good
friends with with us. And he cycled with Toby, so he
was, you know, more than a pastor.
Then she asked if I wanted to tell Gabe or if I wanted them to
tell Gabe. Obviously I'd let them tell
Gabe. But me sitting next to him,
yeah, that that was. One of the worst moments of my
life. And then Zach got there and we
were in the the ER and Gabe was taken to a ER room with friends
with him. And then I went to see Zach and
his face was completely bruised and they immediately took him in
to get like, I think it was like MRI.
I don't know. And he's unconscious at this.
No, he was not unconscious. No, he wasn't unconscious.
He was just scared and hurt. In shock.
Probably, yes. So I was like, you know, with
Zach, but then I would be like checking on Gabe and.
So you're not even processing Toby, really, Because now you're
having to focus on the kids? Yeah, I was just so worried
about Zach and he was in the middle seat in the car, which
was kind of surprising because, you know, he's told that's the
safest right spot. He had the most injuries.
Out of the boys. Right, So he had like fractured
bones in his face, broke his arm, broke his collarbone and.
Fractured his spine anyway, so we went to like the intensive
care eventually and Gabe was just in the bed and there next
to that and my pastor was there and he stayed the whole night.
Let me back up a little bit. So while we're in the ER it's
like we've got call everybody and.
I was very As far as calling my parents.
I was like, you have to call my dad.
You have to get a hold of my dad or Jeff.
I was like, so adamant about that.
You thought that they would handle the news better and then
be able to break it to your. Yeah, I guess I just.
I can't even remember. I feel like they ended up
talking to my mom, but I could be wrong.
And then they had to call Toby's mom.
So then people start showing up. My motherinlaw got there, like
in the middle of the night. My pastor, Pastor Paul, he
talked to my motherinlaw. So where does the motherinlaw
live? So she's an hour half away.
She got a friend to take her to bring her.
And at this point, does she know that Toby died or she just knows
there's been an accident? She knew he died.
So then by the next morning, everybody was there.
So in that moment in the night when you're first there and Gabe
is sleeping next to Zach, is it just the families of the kids
that were in? In the accident.
They were all there. They two of the boys had surgery
that night and I remember after Zach got to his room, he was the
only one in intensive care on that that floor.
All the other ones were on a different floor.
I know what kind of injuries did those boys have?
One of them broke his leg, he was behind Toby and one of them
had internal injuries like from the seat belt.
So he had surgery and of course the one that broke his leg had
surgery and the other one that was in the front had some
injuries like got hit in the face.
Believe he was left the next day from the hospital.
Because when the accident happened, Toby turned to try to
miss the car and so he got the brunt of the right the car.
And he saved the other kids from getting any, from getting the
brunt. Yeah, after Zach got to his room
that night, But that night, after he got into his room and
Gabe was sleep, I mean, they were both sleeping by that time.
I went down to see the other families, the two boys that were
having surgery, because I was worried about them.
Obviously. I was all just like.
You're in a You're in shock. Yeah.
Did Zach have the surgery or no? He did not have surgery yet.
Did he know Toby was gone? When did he know?
So the next morning I had talked to my pastor and I was like, I
know he's gonna ask. He was in so much shock and on
pain medicine and stuff. But I was like, he's gonna ask
at some point and he's my pastor, said you just have to
tell him. Within an hour After that, Zach
looked at me and said, where's daddy and and I just.
Told him, I said do you remember the accident?
And he said yes and said daddy didn't survive, so yeah.
The worst to tell your child something like that.
So then we kind of, I mean I was just focused on Zach and they
were doing all these, I don't know, Mri's and Xrays and.
All these different things figure out his back and they
were going to put him in this like shell, like around his
body. Like a back brace.
Or something. Yeah.
Like, I mean they look like a turtle.
I think it was called a turtle like and he, they were like
okay. Well, he's going to have to wear
this for like 3 months. And I'm like, no, no, that's not
going to work. There's no way he was in it
while we were trying to decide like what we needed to do.
And I believe it was like a couple of days.
Days until he had the actual surgery and they came.
It was like in the middle of the night, like, I mean Kira, I'm
sure it's. Always in the middle of the
night. Yeah, it's like, I'm like, where
are they? It's just the.
Hospitals are just. And there's no time in the
hospitals, just no. Time.
You just keep rolling. Around.
Yeah. So at this point, your parents
are there. Parents are there.
Sister, brother-in-law, nephews. And where's Gabe?
When my sister got there with her family, Gabe was with his
cousin, they went home and they were together.
I mean, they're like very close, so.
I was grateful he was there for Gabe and I don't know, it's like
it's all. It's a blur.
So you Zach goes into surgery so that he doesn't have to wear the
turtle. Like how then there's no turtle.
He didn't have to wear the turtle as you fought for.
He still have the turtle. They still have the turtle for
memories. With a baseball bat at this.
Point. I might let him do that, yeah.
But there's like so many friends and family there that the
hospital gave us an extra room because they were tired of us.
Everybody. In the hallway.
So he was in the Zach was in the
hospital about a week and then we were trying to figure out how
to set him up in my room with me.
That's when I became completely vulnerable.
My friends, so everything about me, they've been in my attic,
they've seen my messy everything and they like got this mattress
out of the attic and set it up for Zach in my room.
And so he stayed in my room for a while, as did Gabe a bit.
When did you? Because with all of that going
on, you can't focus on the fact that Toby's dead because you're
trying to keep your other child alive and make sure that your
oldest is OK. And so when did it hit you?
Like, when did it? Do you remember when you had a
moment for yourself? Probably the first time I came
home. I mean, Zach was still in the
hospital and the first time because my friends have been
like getting all my clothes, getting, getting going to my
house, getting whatever I needed.
And I had a friend Take Me Home for the first time.
And that's when I walked in and saw the family pictures and
opened the cabinet and saw the mug that said, yeah, you know,
coffee mug with his picture on it.
And I was just like, and I'm was.
By myself, I mean my friend was there, but it obviously hits in
different, yeah, different times it's. 100 different moment.
Of time, Yeah, yeah. Where was Toby and what happened
with that? He died on the scene.
The person, the drunk driver that hit him.
I don't even think I said that before, the drunk driver that
hit him. Head on, right.
Head on to the other, cross two lanes to hit him.
Was it? It was dark.
It was dark and yeah, they both died on the scene and I don't
know where he was, honestly. I don't think I realized she
died because the person that hit us died as well.
It was the woman that hit you, yes.
Yeah, there was a man that hit us and he died, so.
And he had been drinking at a bar.
Kira. Or was he?
No, he I know yours was a bar. My the guy that hit us was.
Sort of out raging out of friends or he'd had a fight with
his girlfriend and then just went drinking.
But they we did get the butt alcohol report ultimately right?
And it was very high and there were drugs.
Involved, I guess. Ultimately he ended up at a
Funeral Home, right? And I had to go.
That's when I remember Zach was still in the hospital and my
friend was like, tomorrow you have to go to the Funeral Home
and. Make some decisions.
It's gonna be hard. Who do you want to go with?
You. So I had friends, my dad, my
sister, Toby's brother, and that's when and we decided he
was going to be cremated and we're sitting in a room and.
They're like, OK, well which box would you like to purchase?
And I said I'm not paying to. It is crazy my.
Box I was like Toby would be like paid how much for a box to
burn? I know it makes no sense to me
that OK, Hunter was cremated, Toby was cremated.
Was Frank cremated? But then Oliver was buried.
Yeah. So that's something that would
be interesting to talk about at some point.
But yeah, why in the world do I need to spend 1000 plus dollars
for a? Comfortable box, which by the
way, they're dead and they don't need any comfort.
They can go out and then it's gonna be burned and then it's
gonna be burned. Well, I guess people pay a lot
to be buried in. I don't know.
Yeah, but this is gonna be. Burned and.
Then you buy and urn for another 2 grand or whatever.
Well, it was like $100 for the pine box.
Yeah, what he got exactly. Me too.
So. And our husbands are proud.
I don't even know. I wasn't involved.
But I'll have to ask. I'm going to ask about that.
I'm going to ask my sisterinlaw. I would hope that everyone
chooses the $100 pine box. It's going to be burned.
I don't get it. So you have to go to the Funeral
Home. Your son is now recovering from
surgery at this point. Yes, I believe so.
I can remember. I kind of wish I'd like kept
notes or something. What happened day-to-day?
It's just all blur. Yeah, I don't think in the
moment you're like, I should write this stuff down.
You don't want to remember it, you really.
Have a podcast? Yeah, exactly.
I do want to back up for a minute, because I remember when
you and I met, you told me something that I look at as a
blessing. The car that Toby was driving
was a. Difficult car to get into or
something. Yeah, he.
Was he had just bought a Toyota FJ Cruiser, which he always
wanted and he never got a car. He always got like if we got a
new car, I got the car and then he would get the old car.
Didn't really matter to him and I think it was the summer before
he got it. I was like.
This dream car. And it's in there.
I mean, like the car flipped in the accident and one of the guys
that helped the boys get out of the car.
His dad had a car like that or something, and he knew how to
open it. Right, because the back is hard
to open. Or yeah, it's just because so he
got him out of the help them get out of the back and it had
flipped and as far As for a car that's going to flip it was a
safe car. So in I guess it was also what.
Helped the boys survive or have you know they had less injuries
because of that. Didn't you also say some of the
injuries to Zach's face and stuff, it was water bottles or
things that. Were coming from.
Baseball. So they had their water bottles,
baseball gear. They were eating Sonic, so it
was Sonic all over the car. You know, you got to laugh about
something, I guess. Well.
Commercials. I'm seeing car commercials.
Sonic commercial. Yeah, you have to have find
humor in it because there is an element of like, this is
freaking ridiculous. It's ridiculous what is
happening. So yeah, and it's a defense
mechanism. That's one of our clothing,
yeah. So my dad, my parents, had come
back. So the memorial was not until
the end of March. The accident was marched. 2nd
And I remember in the hospital talking about when it when's the
memorial going to be, when's the funeral going to be?
And I was like, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, when I'm getting
ready. Right.
And I wanted it to be somewhere special and not like a
depressing funeral, wanted to be a celebration of his life.
So we had it at Laguna Gloria. And for memorial it was pretty
nice. But then so my parents had come
back for that and my dad had been sick.
Sick with cancer for six years and he had a hard, hard time.
Like he wasn't feeling at his best when all this happened just
because of his health. And he, you know, obviously had
a hard time seeing me losing Toby.
And they left after the memorial and when I hugged him, I knew
that would be the last time I saw him And he died two months
after Toby died, that was. It's really hard.
Yeah, because that you are very close to your dad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my story.
I know, man. It's heavy.
I found myself holding my. I know I'm holding my hands.
I'm, I've been. Squeezing my sweating.
It's hot in here. Emotional.
But it's also like when you were struggling to like keep up with
the timeline. It's because it's it happens so
fast. People don't realize it's not
there's not time to all of ours were sudden death, I mean.
It was so fast that less than 12 hours in my case, but still it's
there's not enough time to wrap your head around what just
happened back. There.
Well, I just wanted to say one more thing about the people that
helped the boys. They came to the hospital or one
of the girls came to the hospital and brought stuff for
the boys. And somehow all the other moms,
their kids were in the accident found the names of all these
people and we kept in touch with them and we took them out.
We. Had a little get together and
just to thank them for being there for our kids when we
couldn't be there, like and they didn't know what happened, like
they didn't know they were gonna be OK And they were all young,
like probably in their 20s and they got out of their car.
It was interesting because one of the guys said there were
people standing there filming and they were all helping.
It's like. They took action where other
people just pulled out their phones.
Yeah. One of the guys I've kept in
touch with on Facebook and he took the boys out on his boat.
We need to get to know him better.
Does he still have that boat? He owns a party like it's a
party barge. Company.
Oh, my God. Hey, all right, Where?
Have you been? Hiding this guy?
Hey, I'll connect back with his name's Brian.
Brian with the party barge. OK, no coincidences.
We need party barges. We're widows.
We need to get out there and. Like, as much barge?
Yeah, some. Maybe we can get a sponsor out
of this. Kidding.
I'm kidding. Well, thank you for.
Sharing sponsored by Party barge.
That wouldn't be weird at all. Not at all.
You know who likes to party? Widows, Yeah.
And just Fast forward, your boys are good.
Good. They're 17 and 20 now, junior in
high school, junior in college. One's playing Zach.
Still playing BASIC. Is still playing baseball.
And Gabe is killing it in college, making great grades and
everybody's doing well. Yeah, and that's one thing I
think that's good to to hear because I know we all wondered
when we first started this grief journey.
Oh my gosh, we can survive this, but what is it going to do to
the kids? How are our kids going to
survive this? And all our kids?
Now look, we all got our issues with the teenagers, but they
aren't damaged like we thought they might be damaged.
I was just telling Kyra earlier we were talking about our boys
and I think in some ways because it was so difficult.
In in their childhood that I think they have a much more
appreciation for life. And so there's some things that
are that are good that come of it.
I try to look at those kind of things because I thought, Oh my
gosh, my kids not going to be well for the rest of his life.
He's going to miss his dad. And there are a lot of things
that come out of it that are pretty cool.
He says he's more, you know, empathetic as a result of it.
That's not a bad thing to come out of it.
If there has to be something, at least there's something good.
Very resilient. Yes.
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