Young widows weird brushed aside were swept under.
The rug were hurry up and get married again, move on with your
life. Get over it and I don't think
people are like looking at what that really means.
What does that mean for someone that's gone through it?
What does that mean for their family Dynamic?
Was that me for their kids? Was that me for their
friendships? The whole nine yards.
This is every Widow thing. Welcome back to every Widow
thing. I'm here with my main crew,
Lacey, Holly and Whitney. And today we wanted to dive into
something that kind of Blends, you know, some real traumatic
emotions but also some light-hearted and funny stories.
And that is the subject of dating, dating, after your
husband has died. So we've all done some dating
and we we've had some relationships that near
marriage. We know it's rough out there
ladies and we're just going to share some just kind of funny
stories about getting back out there.
Yeah, it's scary. I knew my husband at 19, I had
the best little figure tight cute.
I mean, and after he died, one of my weird first, thoughts was
like No One's Gonna know that 19 year old, but they didn't know
it at night. Pretty cute, but fine.
But it's 50. How old am I 50 to fit?
A my 52. A 52-year old but you know it's
not the same. The skin isn't as Supple but
neither is there's less you're dating.
I'm like well I was trying to date some babies for a while and
their 30s and then I just was so self-conscious because I had
some girlfriends that were like you're dating too old, you need
because my window was like 45 to 50.
And they were like, you need to go younger and I did huh.
Expand? The age range?
Anger. Well, fry had to expand mind.
Older is what I really thought you were told that to weren't
you laser. Yeah, in my husband was nine
years younger. So I thought that was odd there,
but it's weird because the older men are men are always looking
for younger women, and that's well, that's true.
But I will say, there were a lot of 30-somethings that were
letting girl. Yeah, I know.
Well, first, I was 35 and then one of my friends was like, you
need to go. 30. And I was like, what a moment I
did. And I was like, I can't know,
but even the 35-year old I was too self-conscious when we were
out. I'm just like, why are you with
me? Like what it, you know, what,
and I can't have your baby. Like what?
I just it was it was too hard to have fun.
And you know, that's one thing that I think married women and I
was one of these women because I had a friend who was a widow and
I was always like, you're having so much fun you get to date all
the These guys and go have fun and it's not not it's hard.
It's now online psychic about I'm job for when you met like
I've been all over at work on the elevator.
Now I'm having to swipe and it's horrible.
I hate it. I hate it.
I'm person I've given up. All right.
So curable culture has changed. You have the most dating
experience out of all of us know if that's true.
I had an interesting sort of reconnection with someone after
the accident actually with my High School boyfriend.
One of my first dates that I remember that stands out.
I was so nervous. I think I met the guy on Match
and you're like why we are 42 the time of the accident.
So I'm probably it's at least a year out and probably 43-44.
And I went on I started with match, I remember getting so
many messages and being so overwhelmed because I'm still
raising three small kids. This one guy?
I don't know. I just thought he was cute and
he seemed sincere. I'm super nervous and I know you
guys can relate like every day. You just want to look her best.
Like you were saying, you're just like, oh my god, I've got.
What am I going to wear? I've got to look amazing for the
state because like, this could be the one, right?
And boy, did I learn that? That's not the approach.
But this was one of the early, the early days.
And one of these hilarious moments in the car that I
remember. So this guy was Brazilian and
had a really amazing body because I just remember they're
like photos of him like rock climbing or something.
And Like okay. Let's go to dinner with that and
but I did not know how to pronounce his name.
So his name was like j0a you like a bunch of towels and I
would have been like I'm gonna do it on the way to the date
because I was so rushed because the kids and everything, I'm on
the way to the date and I'm Googling.
How do you pronounce the name and I'm in my car and it's JoJo.
Wow, it's me. Oh, wow.
And I'm in, I hope he's not listening and I'm in the car
going show. Wow.
Hello. João copy the woman who, you
know, the Google woman who's pronouncing it for me and I'm
just so freaked out. I'm like, I'm going to this
date. I can't even browse this guy's
name. So we get to dinner and it turns
out that he's a Jiu-Jitsu and structure instructor and he owns
his own Jiu-Jitsu school wowed judges.
Well, Jiu-Jitsu and he really, really, really enjoys talking
about that and that was pretty much.
I mean, I'm just like chips and salsa Margaritas come keep it
coming and he's just Jiu-Jitsu Jiu-Jitsu doing and how is
business? I mean he couldn't have been
nicer but you know when you know you know in the first 30 seconds
you're like this is not this is not think we would have my
personal not had you at Joelle, right?
First dating, I am particular, was I know I was raised well by
my parent's. I did not want to hurt this
man's feelings. I didn't want to get up and
leave course if that was now I might have been like ooh Mercy
phone call, I'm right, like I'm out but this is one of the first
dates. I sit through the meal learned
all about Jiu-Jitsu and I just buy the whole meal we had dinner
and then we go down to the valet I guess, which is, you know,
downstairs because of ever been there and there's the ballet.
Is standing there and this guy just shoves his tongue down, my
throat in front of the mouth. Know what she looks like, trying
to make eye contact with the ballet.
Help me. Yes.
Like what do U do dis just power through guy.
Um, I was so thrown and I was so like just what a disaster, you
know, I mean, there was nothing wrong with him, he was kind and,
you know, but I was so taken aback by having just like a
complete. Stranger mouth on my mouth.
It was just, it was a lot. It was a lard like that first
time when you're his somebody and you're like, I haven't
kissed anybody and since I was 19, well, Holly, this is the
longest to start dating. I waited three years, I think.
And you waited what five. Yeah, that's a long time and you
just weren't ready. Well, in the first few years I
was like, I'm never going to date anyone and my friend, my
married friends. We'd go out in the, okay, let us
download the apps and let's take your picture now.
They think it's all fun, so much fun.
Yeah, and it drove me crazy. And then it was right after the
five-year Mark. I met someone not set up, but
just happened to be with friends and they had a single guy
friend, this is not already named.
Nope. And that, I mean, we just, you
know, Add fun and went out for a friend's birthday.
He gave you attention, he gave you some attention.
I mean kind of, but I woke up the next morning.
I mean, you know, everybody had gone home and I woke up the next
day except for him. I mean, but I woke up and I was
like, well, he was kind of cute, maybe I could date.
There's a story that she's not telling you the guy.
That she kissed that night. I did not kiss him.
Oh no, I found in no, but you're interrupting.
My, we were and that. But the funny thing is, is that
before she ever met this particular person, I had gone
out on a date. With this particular person.
I met on Bumble and went out on a date did not.
It was the weirdest date I think I've ever had in my entire life.
It did not go well, As soon as I got to the car, I went delete.
So I called up Holly and said, would you go walking with me
today and so we're walking around town Lake and all, but
that person comes walking the opposite way and I said, do not
turn your head. Do not turn your head and that's
how dare he is. Of course, she turns her head
and she forgotten about that day.
I didn't forget he stopped and taco.
No no, no, no. So kept going.
But the funny thing is then flash-forward.
She didn't remember what he Like us.
It was that it was 2 seconds long and then she proceeded to
run into him. He was friends with some of her
friends and I knew people who knew him too.
So that's why it's even weirder still.
That's a goddamn guy. That's the guy who didn't date
either. Austin's, too.
Small my turn. That's not go Holly.
No, I never dated this guy like he is just the guy that sparked
an interest in dating and dating.
So Then fast forward, y'all came over and did my photo shoot and
I got on the apps and it's been like just so much fun but I
don't want to dissuade people who are listening you few little
bit of fun. No, I have had fun.
It's her and this was her here. Do it's been a year and I am not
where I thought I would be right in a year like that.
That is a little bit disappointing because I thought
I would, I don't know. Be happier right now.
You thought you would be in a relationship?
Maybe? Yeah.
Well, because this is the truth. None of us really thought about.
You didn't have to think about it the first time, you know, we
were young and in 1970s and then you and then we all looked out
and marry the loves of our lives.
Far was set really high. Yeah, I think I think the real
problem and the minute you get on that day.
You're like, oh Oh no. This is not even close.
Just naughty. I also dated so much on the
front end. I wasn't 19.
I was older when I got married and so it really bothered me
that here I am again. Are you kidding me?
I played that card. I played it a long time, and had
a lot of fun and I had a lot of fun.
It was yeah, I was not the type that was wanting to get married
and have babies. I mean, it took a long time for
me to get around to that, they were not only a met Oliver that
I was like okay this is a guy could Want to live without him
and my dad said, that's how you know, I did not.
I knew I couldn't live without him.
How long were had you been a widow before you got engaged?
It was three years ago when I first started dating, okay?
And I'd only gone out on a couple of dates when I met
somebody on Match. It took I think we didn't get
engaged until like a year and a half in or it was over a year
before we got engaged. And what was that?
Because I have a friend right now who's a widow and Over a
short period of time. Should dated a lot?
And then she got engaged. And she actually got married
and, and she's like, I think I thought he was gonna take away
the grief. It did for a little while, take
away. But it was never my intention to
find someone to get married to. I have to be clear about that.
That was, I don't know that I do now.
I mean, I don't know. And just to be clear.
She didn't end up marrying that I the main thing to say is I was
very confused and it was Years in, I hadn't gone out with many
people. He's a very nice person, very
nice person, nothing about him, that's the thing.
It wasn't about him, it wasn't anything about that life.
If I finally realized all these years later, it really had more
to do with timing. It has a lot to do with what.
I don't know. It's tough.
What? Work you've done on yourself to?
Yes, where you were back then is not where you are now.
My God, even in my darkest hour now didn't even come close.
Close because I was using it at the beginning to dating just so
that I didn't have to feel such pain.
Any more of them over it. I thought I cannot bend this
attraction for me. It was just like let me just get
out there. Yeah let me have it like a night
out because you know you do, you can do girls nights out.
We've talked about that, can be super-fun.
You could do a lot of girls nights out, you can get thrown
in with divorced women, and then you just kind of feel like a
fish out of water there because it's not the same experience and
you miss affection. You just that's what people
don't want to say you. Miss having you want to be Yeah,
affection. And you know, snuggling and all
of that stuff so it was good for a little while until I think
that's what I realized about. The marriage thing is that it
it's been many more years after that that it's taken to.
I think it was just like a year ago that I finally feel like.
Even though my life right now is not really easy, I've got no
family issues and my kids going to leave.
It's and it's been one of the toughest things that are
happening around me. But I'm more solid than I've
ever been because I have the tools in my toolbox that I
learned through grief, you know, therapy and EMDR and but the
other is that I finally realized that.
I'm okay. Yeah, I'm okay alone.
You're okay, if you're by yourself or I don't love it.
I don't love it. It's not ideal because I am a
partnered person. I like having somebody in my
life but meaning I'm okay. I'm not freaking out about it,
I'm not Even so, you know that I'm sad about it.
It's more. I just accepted it.
I think that's when something amazing is going to be around
the globe. That's what old Vasquez said,
right? Yeah, said, what if, and I think
there's a possibility that when writer is gone because I tend to
we all we've talked about this Kira.
I know. She cared text like a dude, the
girl does not would not want to talk on the phone.
She does not wear. It's very hot.
Like a dude I do text like a dude, I don't have a lot of time
to like I think that's part of indulge in emotional but I yeah
I'm not I'm not a big long winded, text her, right?
But I think I like to line where Ryder says I am like one.
I've tend to do like what a lot of men do.
They pour in all their energy into one thing?
Women tend to like do 50 million things at one time which I mean
I have to do that, I can't focus on just one thing at a time, but
I'm not happy there. I pretend to pour all my energy
and I think I did that with Ryder.
I only have one kid. You guys have several, so I
think that's easier for me to do We were laughing and saying one
kid is ignored. We don't have the energy to give
put all of our energy into all of the kids.
It's so you recognize now that once Riders gone you will prop
it. I do feel you're open to it now
because I think you said like I'm now I'm ready I can see
myself getting out there and you even did get on it.
Some the dating app. Yeah well I've definitely done
that at it over. I've been on over 50 First
Dates. Like that movie?
Yeah. 50 First Dates but it's a gift and a curse that I read
things very quickly. Quickly, I know within warp
speed like how you did on your end and how you leave.
Because I would be like, here, where I'm staying for the dinner
and I'm like, please it could there be like an earthquake or
some of the always kind of on a fire.
They're having their people to, I'm always kind, but I'd and I
don't lead them on either kind, but they get mad.
Like, I had one guy that after the date.
I went home and I just said, you know, you spend hours trying to
think of the perfect. Justice and and I was like it
was great to meet you but I just don't think it's a fit best of
luck out there whatever and he literally got so mad he's
rapid-fire texting me. Why did you waste my time?
What why would you even sit there for that long?
If you knew that it wasn't a thing and I'm like I am so glad
that I'm never going to do you respond to that.
I don't think so. I know I don't think I can to
block some some guys that. Yeah you know but but I did
learn After I learned that it was worse.
If I was nice, if I gave hope. Yeah, I never ghosted anybody.
But I definitely learned how to learn how to be more direct and
honest. Well, I had one that was
directed on hurt. Its feelings.
He told me what you said and hurtful and the whole time I was
with me, he was gay. He was a no doubt in my mind.
He was a life coach. I think he saw a widow that he
was going to Little Widow and then he got there at the bar.
Realize I'm not some Wallflower and I think he was a little bit
like, oh, she's a lot but at the same time I got tickled when he
sent that. I was like and he's still out
there by the way. Still not a mold photos.
Wow this is like 10 but he's on the dating app as a heterosexual
males and he is, he is not what about social apps?
Do you say that? Do you have it out there?
That you're a widow. No, I didn't.
But then I had to have like, right after I would do the thing
where I would get on for like a month and go on a couple of
dates and they'll be like, I'm not ready and then I would get
off for several months and then I get back on and on.
Yeah, so in your bio I didn't have it.
But there were moments because especially in the beginning, I
was talking. Well like Hunter's parents are
still living and they are close by and I call them my in-laws.
So, I'm sitting down to dinner or drinks or whatever with this
guy and he's talking, we were just talking about what we were
doing. And I was like, oh yesterday, I
was out of my in-laws and blah, blah blah, and he made a joke
like, oh yeah. I go over to my in-laws all the
time too. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry, I
need to give you a little piece of information.
I'm not divorced. I'm a widow.
So, they are like, still my in-laws.
I don't know what I should say. And then, he felt terrible.
And also I kind of I've gone back and forth, I put it in my
bio and then I've taken it out and then I'll put it in
sometimes it comes out and I and with me it usually would just
come out in the texting like, how long have you been divorced?
Right? And then I was always up front
about it. Sure, but I did realize recently
that my current boyfriend when we first met, we have been
texting for a while and he's claims that he didn't know, I
guess he knew, but he didn't know the circumstances may be
under. Now he claims he didn't know
something. I don't Widow.
When did he find out on our first date last year?
But when does he answered? And I on our first date he says
it was when it was a few texts before you when I mean for a
couple of weeks I want to stay at the you have at least see or
know I put 10 on your bio. Yeah, well on Match you have to
he does. So I thought you had to select
divorced man. It's been so long that the first
the one that I was engaged to that's how I met him that I
didn't. Do match match felt to open like
too much in there too many emails and great over wedding.
Not like magic. I did just get back on it
because I got off of it for a long time.
I say a long time, it's only been a year, not even a year,
but I met a guy on Match that I liked and I kept seeing him
again on Match even though you'd already met, we'd already
matched and met. And he kept showing up So I just
got off of it for. That's the worst part about
match to me. And in Mumble you can't do that
once your match with them. There's no you can't tell when
they're on or not. I mean that's a little that's
what I don't like about matches. You can tell that's not.
It can be hurtful when you haven't heard back from them and
you know they've been on or if you're dating them and they're,
you know, they're still out there looking and you're kind of
thinking they're your person but one thing as a widow and trying
to date that I've realized is divorce.
Trauma is very Be different than Widow trauma.
We didn't have bad relationships that we chose to get out of and
they did. So I know they got left, they
got left. I mean, that's it ladies.
So so for me it was I actually got into a relationship fairly
quickly. It was a friend who was also
grieving and so we just deeply connected.
It was way too soon. Like all of us, we were looking
for a escapes from the pain and to have somebody, it just was
too too hard to resist and I just and and you're looking for
someone to help you like I was, at least help me navigate,
especially Christmas tree like the Christmas tree.
Yeah, you should have got with their jeans and a little
fascinating, though. That like, some people like
right? I mean, when they're dead,
you're free to go date. All right?
Where's no Josh that right way but it's interesting.
Esta NG that, that people like I was grubs like Holly.
I was so grossed out of the thought of being with anyone.
It took three years wasn't like, I made a conscious decision
although I did, I do remember talking to a friend early on and
they were like, do you think you'll ever get married again?
And I said, absolutely. I have no doubt that I'm going
to meet somebody great. And then I'm going to get
married again because I have so much love to give and I'm really
good at it. Now cut to five and a half years
later. And now I'm not so sure now.
I'm like, I don't know. I mean it's not easy to meet
people and then like we but all said they have big shoes to fill
and I try very hard to not put Hunter on a pedestal, he was not
perfect. We had our own issues, being
married for 23 years or whatever.
But I, I want everything that Hunter gave me and then
everything that he didn't, which is unrealistic.
So I have to reprioritize my stuff.
I can't remember what. My point was going to be guitar
for the guys. I've talked to your boyfriend,
get him. We all were talking to him at
your birthday party. Your 50th birthday party, and
he's such a good guy and he looks at you like the sun rises
and sets on your head. I mean, he's just and it does,
right? But he's a sweetheart but I feel
I feel for people like him because it is hard to step into
the Widow world. I mean, you know, divorcees, I
think they in that way, dating they have it easier because
they're King to forget their gifts.
Yeah, they don't have pictures up there, not remit
commemorating birthdays or anniversaries and stuff.
So there's a lot of trauma bonding and divorce.
I think a lot of people get divorced and then they trauma
Bond over their divorce or their ex because they have they have
that in common, right? And they're hashing that out.
And I mean, I dated a couple men who were either, which I would
never do again, separated or newly divorced and they're still
processing their divorce. And I felt like a therapist, you
know, like I was basically holding their hand through which
I initially wanted to be supportive and was like, oh,
that's awful that she did that or she did this.
And then later, I came to realize, that's not really fair
to this woman that I don't even know, like, how is that fair to
their ex-wife or their soon-to-be ex-wife or the mother
of their children? And we don't have possibly
understand because now you're only getting one side and I
mean, I learned so much actually through Dating different people.
I learned a lot about just relationships in general
relationships, that, you know, didn't look like mine and that
helped me hone. Really what I was looking for in
a partner. I knew it wasn't going to be a
replica of Frank or what I had, but it did help me shape my
values a little bit more. And like, what I really was
looking for at that time of my life and, you know, now dating
in my 40s as opposed to my 20s, right?
What we want now is very different than what we Wanted or
needed in our 20s or 30s. Like I don't need a good.
I mean I want somebody who will be kind of my kids and stuff but
he doesn't need to be a quote-unquote, great, father,
because he's not the father that was The Grieving thing that I
thought about the other day that was really sad because I met up
with a, my old roommate and La contacted me out of the blue was
in town for business. And he was.
And that came up. He said that has to be really
hard, and I said that One of the hardest parts.
He's never going to have a stepdad.
Even if I marry, that's not going to be a step to know.
It'll just be like, scarl felt. Yeah, we'll just for Wendell.
What? It'll just be Wendell.
He'll just who are, who'd Nevel Nevel.
I'll share one quick story that hopefully you guys can learn
from that are listening out there.
I'm starting to date, and I'm talking with friends who have
been dating. And one of the first things they
tell me is that everyone has herpes She has her Pious and I'm
like, what? And they're like, yes everyone
has herpes and I'm like, okay, everyone has herpes.
So I'm going down the dating path and that's in the back of
my head, right? All right, so I start dating
this guy, we get intimate and then I go away for spring break.
I get blisters in my mouth and my brain starts going insane.
I'm like, I have herpes, I'm balling and so, I called this
guy because I was so, Worked up and I had worked myself up into
such a frenzy. I love to be here.
Good person. I was like, I want to be a good
person. I need to tell him in my sister
was like, please don't say anything.
Please. Don't do this to yourself.
You are overreacting, you're a weirdo, stop.
And I was like, I have to tell him.
I just have to tell him and PS at the same time.
He was sick with covid, but I didn't know he was, you know,
sick and I'm like it's not covid.
You guys it's her. He's like, somehow I had worked
myself, it is such a state and I called him and I just blurted
out. I think we have herpes and he
was like, what when he had been in a long-term marriage,
whatever. And it was so uncomfortable, and
so horrifying, and I'm balling on the phone and he's like, and
we had just started like dating, you know, this wasn't like a
year relationship. Anything.
And I get off the phone with him and I'm just so horrifying.
I'd and then the blister went away, and he was fine.
And then I see this the situation for what it was, and I
had talked about make one mountain out of a molehill.
Didn't know I did, but you do go get tested.
But also, this is another weird thing apparently, even the
testing isn't clear. So even though it came back and
it said, I didn't have herpes, I still was like, well, is this
even can I even believe? I mean, you, your, you go.
Go insane. But the overthinking boy.
And I humiliated myself with this guy humiliated myself ever
heard from him. Again, there's well together
we're still dating and we both have.
This thing is everywhere. I was on a date and we're he had
a salad and I was like and I was like, oh can I have?
And he was like, here have a bite of the salad and I said, oh
can I have some salad? Don't worry, I don't have
herpes. He said, oh, actually I do
herpes. And I was like, no, that's all
well, not everybody. But I'm just saying and by the
way, it should be. So and I had made a joke, you
have a bite of the solid. I did have, I was like, I think
it was the fork was kind of like, well it's there's no
blisters than it, doesn't matter, it's not contagious, but
it's not even a big deal, but I had made it such a big deal and
then for this episode I know and then the guy was like, why do
you keep saying herpes? Nobody says, Has herpes like
they just say, fever blister. Whatever side of these over the
Sabbath. Your Widow.
Do I have heard it was the worst?
That's the worst story of my dating.
Is that hole? That's pretty bad.
You have to say yours tops. Anything I've ever.
It's been my gosh. That phone call.
I had worked myself up and then just blurted it out.
He was like, what the hell? We have herpes covid.
He's like, I don't have herpes. Why do you think you have her
be? I don't know.
Maybe you had herpes and you didn't know you had herpes and
then and he was like, are you telling?
Are you blaming me? Do you, are you saying that I
gave? And I'm like, are you herpes
shaming? Yeah.
I'm like, I don't know. Oh my God, your balls.
Yeah, you're too funny. And he story.
Is it glad we're pretty fun. Should I edit this out?
I think that'll get us. We're gonna get Spa.
My God. What are you thinking about it?
It was horrifying bubbling match, right?
Number one, if you have herpes, He's, it's no big deal.
Number two, you don't need to say herpes as I keep saying,
anyway, fever, blisters, all right, who hasn't told a funny?
We have to wrap up with a funny date story, who hasn't told a
funny date story lace. Oh yeah, dude, because Holly,
and I dated the same guy so I don't know anything.
This funny as herpes I'm sorry, that Whitney Is I will say,
like, one little tidbit. I took a guy to see to hear
music and he ended up being kind of deaf and that was awkward
kind of. Well that's not something, I
guess you would say a that. Now I find out you didn't
disclose and he was hearing impaired on the app and I just
thought it was cute and you guys all know I love to go see live
music. We live in Austin, Texas.
Texas. It's a fun thing to do.
So I find this club on the east side and the band looks
interesting and we meet there and he could read lips and he
ended up being like a super nice guy but I mean out talk about
mortification I was just mortified.
And then I think I asked you for questions like do you like the
band and you know have you ever been here before?
And it was the music venue and he was like, well I can feel the
vibration and I can sort of get into it but probably like she
treated him. Lee Fleming.
Did he have herpes? He probably did by the way.
I just, again need to say. It's everybody doesn't matter.
It's not a big deal. I made your favorite word deal
herpes. No, I had.
I had the conversation when I went after I started seeing
someone and I went back to my gynecologist and I was like, you
know, I'm widowed and I'm now like an intern relationship with
somebody and like what what's the panel?
What are the tests? I mean we were, you know, No
using protection but you just never know.
And I was freaked out too, and she was like, you should be
freaked out their stuff out there, right?
But as you're older, doesn't mean it's not like, yeah, but
you shouldn't be freaked out at least.
Pregnancies off the Moss, man. Yeah, I had to go back on the
pill or still, I mean, you had to go back on the pill, only 43
early 40s. I mean, I don't want as you're
still having your period, you get to have a baby, I don't know
if you guys know that but another tidbit It.
Birds and the bees. Yeah, honey.
Whoever. All right, we're going to wrap
it up. I don't even know how to wrap it
up. Thanks for listening.
Should wrap it up Herbie's. Try anything wrong with it.