1 00:00:01,160 --> 00:00:08,200 This is every widow thing. This episode is brought to you 2 00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:12,320 in part by spiritpieces.com. Beautiful cremation jewelry and 3 00:00:12,320 --> 00:00:14,520 glass art pieces for people and pets. 4 00:00:14,800 --> 00:00:17,120 You can find their information on the Every Widow Thing 5 00:00:17,120 --> 00:00:20,560 Instagram highlight reel. Hi everyone. 6 00:00:20,680 --> 00:00:26,360 Today we're going to talk about one of the posts that we made on 7 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:29,240 our Instagram page. If you guys aren't following, 8 00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:34,720 please go to Instagram right now and follow every widow thing for 9 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:38,520 fun things like this. I posted a video a couple of 10 00:00:38,520 --> 00:00:43,800 weeks ago asking for opinions because I heard a story. 11 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:47,200 This was not my story, although people thought that it was. 12 00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:49,000 I didn't give too many specifics. 13 00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:54,520 But anyway, the deal was this person is dating someone, He's a 14 00:00:54,520 --> 00:00:59,160 widower, he's dating someone and that person was going to come 15 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:05,360 and spend the weekend with him. And the woman requested that he 16 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:11,080 move his wife's ashes out of the home before she came. 17 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:16,200 And I was shocked by this request because by the way, this 18 00:01:16,200 --> 00:01:22,160 person's had not put like the ashes in a prime location in the 19 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:24,160 house. It wasn't like a shrine with 20 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:27,080 pictures and candles and everything. 21 00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:29,800 This person had the ashes in a closet. 22 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:33,280 And so I was really shocked by it. 23 00:01:33,680 --> 00:01:41,200 And so I put it out on Instagram and man, did people comment. 396 24 00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:43,360 comments on Instagram. Wow. 25 00:01:43,880 --> 00:01:46,760 It was crazy. And for the most part, the 26 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:50,600 comments were as expected. Get rid of him. 27 00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:53,120 Ditch that person 'cause. They thought it was you. 28 00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,920 Well, they thought it was me and they were like, you know, 29 00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:58,160 absolutely not if they can't handle. 30 00:01:58,160 --> 00:02:02,440 I thought it was you, right? And then I had to call and be 31 00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:04,800 like oh. Yes, exactly. 32 00:02:04,800 --> 00:02:07,440 That's right. He's called me like, do we need 33 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:09,479 to have a talk? I was like, it is not me. 34 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:14,040 That person would have been kicked to the curb for sure. 35 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:18,480 But it was interesting because some of the comments really made 36 00:02:18,480 --> 00:02:23,200 me think differently, you know, 'cause immediately I was all mad 37 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:27,120 about it and like, how dare she request such a ridiculous thing. 38 00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:31,560 But the more comments that came through, I started to realize 39 00:02:31,960 --> 00:02:35,760 there are a lot of different ways to think about this, you 40 00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:37,760 know? That's kind of the beauty of the 41 00:02:37,760 --> 00:02:39,400 process of throwing that out there. 42 00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,040 Yeah, it gave me what? You're going to get back. 43 00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:44,640 Right. I mean, really, what it ended up 44 00:02:44,640 --> 00:02:50,160 doing for me was several people really wrote thoughtful comments 45 00:02:50,400 --> 00:02:54,000 saying, look, if this is this is obviously somebody that you care 46 00:02:54,000 --> 00:02:57,520 about, you've asked them to come and spend the weekend with you, 47 00:02:58,080 --> 00:03:00,880 why don't you have a conversation with this person 48 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:04,520 and find out why? Because I'm immediately like, 49 00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:10,000 well, they're jealous and of a dead person, and that's 50 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,800 ridiculous. Of ashes. 51 00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:14,880 Right. But it could have been something 52 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:19,360 like maybe they in their religious cult, in their 53 00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:23,600 culture, they feel like somebody actually wrote, why are you 54 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:27,440 keeping death in your home? And I was like, oh, I hadn't 55 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:30,400 thought of that. What could be Also, two people 56 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:34,200 don't not everybody like me. I buried my husband in a in a 57 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:37,280 grave in a casket. Yeah, it wasn't even thought 58 00:03:37,280 --> 00:03:38,600 about Ash. It's not that there was anything 59 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:40,280 wrong with it. It just didn't occur to me 60 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:42,800 because a, because the church was kind of leading me that way 61 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,400 and I just was kind of in the zone. 62 00:03:44,720 --> 00:03:46,160 And never. Thought out of it? 63 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:47,200 Yeah. He was so young. 64 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:49,880 Yeah, I didn't think about it. And so I just did kind of what 65 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:52,280 the preacher was like, yes, this is what people at this church 66 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:53,840 do. And I was like, OK, and I was 67 00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,240 going, which going along with whatever they thought. 68 00:03:56,240 --> 00:03:59,600 But I imagine I kind of appreciate the thoughtful 69 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:04,000 convents because I think we're all quick to react to a lot of 70 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:05,120 things. I know I am. 71 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:06,880 Yeah. The more I read those comments, 72 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:09,520 the more I'm like, yeah, one person that had a reason. 73 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:11,800 Which you commented back to them. 74 00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:15,560 My question is, why do you have his ashes in your house? 75 00:04:15,640 --> 00:04:19,680 Bury them or place them in a place of peace for you, but 76 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:21,440 they're in AI mean. Right. 77 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:24,280 Maybe that was the place of peace. 78 00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:26,840 Maybe it maybe it was discussed now. 79 00:04:26,840 --> 00:04:29,800 Maybe that was some people. That was their request. 80 00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:34,440 Keep me in an urn in your home, or it's peaceful for all of us. 81 00:04:34,480 --> 00:04:38,360 I know I find peace and having him close by. 82 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:42,880 I have Frank here with me today. I was about to say, clearly Kira 83 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:44,480 does. He's hiding between the two. 84 00:04:44,480 --> 00:04:50,960 Of us everywhere with me. There to know what's cool about 85 00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:53,200 that? Based on what I know, 'cause I 86 00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:56,320 never met him, he probably would want to go everywhere we would 87 00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:58,400 go, 'cause he's a lot of fun. Well, we're going to get to that 88 00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,280 later, 'cause we're going to talk about some options with 89 00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:02,560 that. But no, actually poor Frank has 90 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:04,680 not been out of the house in almost 10 years. 91 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:07,520 And he was like, I'm ready for a field trip. 92 00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,520 I wish I'd brought Toby. Fuck out the house. 93 00:05:10,840 --> 00:05:13,680 That's right. Get Me Out and show me around 94 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,840 and so. But you did have to. 95 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:18,760 You had to clean him up a little bit, I heard. 96 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,240 I did. And we we're going to get back 97 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:25,480 to your Instagram post. But yes, I I've had Frank has 98 00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:28,000 been in the closet for 9 1/2 years. 99 00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:29,400 Finally come out of the closet? How? 100 00:05:29,480 --> 00:05:32,040 Many years later. And he's just on. 101 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:35,520 He's just literally in like he no, he's in your closet where 102 00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:38,200 you get dressed and stuff. So it's not like a closet that 103 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:39,800 you close the door like a coat closet. 104 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:44,920 No, it's in my master closet, which became sort of a sanctuary 105 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:50,240 for me when I wanted to grieve or talk to him because it's kind 106 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:52,520 of a quiet, hidden part of my house. 107 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:57,720 And I was always trying to sort of find some privacy and not, 108 00:05:57,840 --> 00:06:01,520 you know, upset the kids. And, you know, my parents were 109 00:06:01,520 --> 00:06:03,480 lived with me for a year. So I was like, if I was 110 00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:06,320 grieving, I'll go in there, or if I was angry, I'll go in there 111 00:06:06,320 --> 00:06:08,400 and yell at him. Or if I had to tell him 112 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:10,960 something good. I mean, I still do this. 113 00:06:11,240 --> 00:06:15,480 I go in there and talk to him, but I had not taken him down 114 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:20,840 from the shelf in a while. There was this one time I 115 00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:25,600 remember very clearly when I was in that very deep, deep, I was 116 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:29,240 having just kind of one of those screaming, crying, yes, 117 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:33,880 collapsing deep grief moments, moments which for me came. 118 00:06:33,880 --> 00:06:37,480 I mean, they they show up when you're least expecting, but it 119 00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:40,000 must have been a few months after because I was in the 120 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:42,520 hospital for a long time. Then I couldn't walk, and then I 121 00:06:42,520 --> 00:06:47,040 was up, so I was upstairs and I went into the closet and I was 122 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:51,920 just sobbing uncontrollably. And I tried to get into the 123 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:54,560 ashes. I remember I was, I was in my 124 00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:56,280 head. I was like, I'm going to eat 125 00:06:56,280 --> 00:06:58,640 some of these ashes. I missed him that much. 126 00:06:58,640 --> 00:07:01,760 Yeah, people probably think that's gross, but I was kind of 127 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,280 out of my mind and I was releasing him so much and I was 128 00:07:04,280 --> 00:07:06,640 going to try to like, eat some of the ashes. 129 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:09,320 Oh man, and I remember. Thinking like this is crazy, but 130 00:07:09,320 --> 00:07:10,520 I still. Want to get in there, but I'm 131 00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:15,000 going to eat these and. I had had multiple surgeries on 132 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:18,680 my arms and on my hands. And I'm not like blaming. 133 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:20,840 Well, yeah, it is. Partly my dexterity was off. 134 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:24,680 I could not open the thing. Let me look at it like, what is 135 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:26,160 it? It's an urn, right? 136 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:27,960 I. Couldn't have you have you still 137 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:29,840 not opened it? No, it's still. 138 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:34,120 I mean, I admit I'm fully avoidant of certain painful 139 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,640 things, but I. Said. 140 00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:37,920 If you want a taste of him now, I can get that. 141 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:42,600 Let's get in there. I It is the same packaging that 142 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:45,480 came from the Funeral Home, which I was not a part of, as 143 00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:48,680 you all know, because his I was in the hospital and his family 144 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,160 took care of it. You know, I thought about an 145 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,760 urn. Somebody gave me a really pretty 146 00:07:53,760 --> 00:07:57,640 box at one point. But then I've heard these horror 147 00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:01,160 stories about, like, just this morning I'm working out with a 148 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:05,720 friend and she's like, Oh yeah, you know, my Uncle Jerry was on 149 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:09,480 the shelf and we were visiting my parents, and the boys were 150 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:13,320 playing ball in the house. And they're going uncle. 151 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:16,360 Jerry all over like no. Jerry. 152 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:19,480 You know, like the door mat by the back door and they're 153 00:08:19,480 --> 00:08:22,840 sweeping him up and the boys are like inhaling him and they're 154 00:08:22,840 --> 00:08:26,280 like dust bustering and so. Oh my God, you know. 155 00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:29,200 I just think I've got dogs, I've had little kids. 156 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,360 I just feel like he's been safer in the closet. 157 00:08:31,520 --> 00:08:33,240 Right. But I'm I'm curious because I 158 00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:37,799 feel like my he, my husband is in a bag like it's a baggie. 159 00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:40,520 It's a bag in the box. I think there's a bag. 160 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:44,400 There's a bag in the box in the velvet bag, but. 161 00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:48,440 I didn't have a box. You didn't spend money on my? 162 00:08:48,440 --> 00:08:50,320 Box I'm going to get this out right now. 163 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:51,960 I know we're not videoing, so I her. 164 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:53,920 Husband would have been happy that she didn't spend money. 165 00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:56,000 On the box. Because he was a, he had a. 166 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,160 Guy. He's just over there with like, 167 00:08:58,160 --> 00:08:58,760 your mouth. We. 168 00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:01,240 Didn't either I don't. Even know what's going on over 169 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:02,320 here? I. 170 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,480 She's opening it up. I went to get OK, there's some 171 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:07,320 kind of certificate. So this is funny. 172 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:10,600 I went to get him off the shelf this morning and I bring. 173 00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:16,920 I'm grabbing him between the workout and coming here, and the 174 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,840 velvet bag is, like, covered in dust. 175 00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:23,000 And so I come downstairs, I'm in the front hall looking for one 176 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:28,320 of those, like, lint rollers, and my sweet cleaning lady is, 177 00:09:28,720 --> 00:09:32,000 you know, kind of cleaning. And I'm in the front hall, like 178 00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:34,640 rolling the dust off. Oh my God. 179 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:38,960 Velvet bag full of ashes. Kind of absurd, but anyway. 180 00:09:38,960 --> 00:09:44,320 OK, so inside the velvet bag, the velvet bag is this little 181 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:47,560 Cremation Services certificate, right? 182 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:52,680 It just says you know, I guess it just says this is him. 183 00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:56,600 Frank Trenham Lyman the 3rd July 7th 2014. 184 00:09:56,600 --> 00:10:04,440 He has a Crematory ID number 5021 and this is all the 185 00:10:04,440 --> 00:10:08,080 legalese. And then it's signed by the 186 00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:12,680 operator of Cremation Services. So that's very official. 187 00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:14,880 Why is that? Getting to be so, it just feels 188 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:22,040 very anything in writing that's official makes it official so. 189 00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:24,800 This is what I was trying to get into when I wanted to have my 190 00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:27,720 little snack. Let me see now, I really wish 191 00:10:27,720 --> 00:10:31,240 I'd brought Toby's so we could compare the our boxes. 192 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:35,360 I mean, I'm sure you can pop. This, but let me see. 193 00:10:35,440 --> 00:10:37,520 Let me see that. With my broken hands, I couldn't 194 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:38,960 figure it out. Oh, wow. 195 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,480 What kind of box is it? I don't know. 196 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:45,440 It's fancy. It's like this big black. 197 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:48,560 I think mine is literally a plastic bag. 198 00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:49,840 Remember I told you the whole story? 199 00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:52,440 I. Think I think I spent the most 200 00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:55,040 on my box. Very heavy. 201 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:58,520 Yeah, super heavy. There's a lot of it doesn't. 202 00:10:58,560 --> 00:11:00,400 Even look wooden it looks. Plastic. 203 00:11:00,440 --> 00:11:03,760 Plastic. It's plastic, so I I suspect, 204 00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,320 you know, I'd have to get, which, you know, I didn't get 205 00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:08,960 this far. Maybe a screwdriver or 206 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,280 something? Like that, I think for the best 207 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:14,240 that you you were not, I think. It's for the best that it just. 208 00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:18,280 Didn't understand. But I think that these guys, 209 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:19,760 these people are. Holly wants to hold. 210 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,440 The ring. Holly wants. 211 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:23,560 To hold the ring. I want to hold them. 212 00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:25,280 OK, we're now passing him around. 213 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,560 We should have. I should have videoed it. 214 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:31,800 Really. Don't tell y'all and I don't 215 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:32,920 know how I. Mean. 216 00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,480 I I would know I. Could call them. 217 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:37,440 Oh, she's getting. Slides off. 218 00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:40,680 She's getting in there. I mean, do you want me to? 219 00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:45,360 Yeah, I mean, I guess I just thought maybe there wasn't a 220 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:48,760 baggie. No, there's 100% of Baggies. 221 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,040 I mean, the truth is, nobody know. 222 00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:52,600 How do you know unless you've been through it or you're a 223 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,200 cremation? Person I don't want to. 224 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:57,280 I don't want to bust it open in him spill out. 225 00:11:57,440 --> 00:11:59,440 You want to have a. Do you want to have a cuddle 226 00:11:59,440 --> 00:12:00,800 let? Me have a cuddle? 227 00:12:00,840 --> 00:12:02,760 Oh, Frank. Wow. 228 00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:07,120 Frank's heavy. You are quite a large man. 229 00:12:07,120 --> 00:12:09,640 It's a pleasure to hold you, Frank. 230 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:13,840 I can only do this because I'm almost 10 years out, right? 231 00:12:13,840 --> 00:12:17,440 For the for our listeners, you know none of this is easy. 232 00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:20,600 I'm going to bring Toby. Yeah, you know what? 233 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:23,480 Holly, when you go home, video went here. 234 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,160 Well, like and I'll do the same. Holly and I, we're going to get 235 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:30,120 together with wine maybe and and have a little. 236 00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:33,040 Eat some of the ashes together. Not eating? 237 00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:36,800 No, no, no. I recently had his family, 238 00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:39,920 Frank's family ask me for some. Well, I I'm going to try and do 239 00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:42,960 something with them, Not all of them, but some of them over the 240 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:46,440 summer because it's the 10 year anniversary coming up of our 241 00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:50,000 accident in June. And so I'm going to talk to my 242 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:54,480 kids about maybe taking some of him to New York, doing some 243 00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:58,000 sprinkling. And then I was having this 244 00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,000 conversation with my sister-in-law, Sarah, who's so 245 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:02,600 sweet and I can't believe we've never talked about this before, 246 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,520 but I was like, hey, do you guys want some of this? 247 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:09,040 And she was like, yeah, I think, you know, my parents want some. 248 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:12,920 And I felt bad because it's not like I've been trying to keep 249 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:15,720 him from them. No, and they didn't ask, so 250 00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:18,360 don't feel bad. Well, it's kind of a sensitive 251 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:21,440 subject. I mean, I remember when my 252 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:26,640 mother-in-law came over soon after and she was like, where's 253 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:29,760 Toby? And I'm like, he's on the side 254 00:13:29,760 --> 00:13:33,680 table next to my bed and she just went in my bedroom and sat 255 00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:36,760 in there with his ashes. But I never asked her if she 256 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:38,280 wanted. Any you know what, I'm I'm 257 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:41,880 laughing because remember when we had Dana on here and she 258 00:13:41,880 --> 00:13:46,120 shared that her in laws made a table with his golf pants and 259 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:47,600 his golf shoes? Oh God. 260 00:13:47,920 --> 00:13:49,480 That's right. I wonder. 261 00:13:49,480 --> 00:13:52,600 Golf pant table. Yes, with the shoes, yes. 262 00:13:52,680 --> 00:13:55,880 And she walked in and saw the shoes and freaked out. 263 00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:58,360 Yeah, walked into their house. I would think they would put 264 00:13:58,360 --> 00:14:00,480 some ashes on that table or something. 265 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,680 Wasn't the table like the shoe like he was standing? 266 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:05,960 Yeah, it was as if it was. From the. 267 00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,360 Table, stand down. It was his leg. 268 00:14:08,360 --> 00:14:11,360 Creepy in his golf shoes. Not his real legs, you guys. 269 00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:14,560 Shout out to Dana for that little nugget. 270 00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:16,960 That's funny. I wonder what the percentage is 271 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:20,480 of people that do this versus burial. 272 00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:24,400 I think that it's on the rise. I think more people are being 273 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:30,160 cremated now it's it's less expensive and I don't know. 274 00:14:30,880 --> 00:14:32,480 I feel like. There's we're running out of 275 00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:35,640 places to. Bury It is very expensive. 276 00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:38,400 The headstone is very expensive, thousands of dollars. 277 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:41,440 And then the plot is expensive, especially in Austin, TX. 278 00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:44,720 There's so little room at the one where everybody goes. 279 00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:47,320 Right. And I don't even remember where. 280 00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:48,960 Right. You never. 281 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:50,480 I never go to. Yeah. 282 00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:53,680 Do you wish you had ashes instead, Lacey? 283 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:56,480 No, no. You don't feel the need to have. 284 00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:58,680 That's why it doesn't creep me out. 285 00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:03,480 It's just more it's. I feel like for me, I prefer to 286 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,080 stay. No, it's not even foreign. 287 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:09,360 It's just I I prefer to stay in the the physical, like he's 288 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:11,400 still here. Like I didn't like the burial 289 00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:12,840 thing either. I hate it too. 290 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,040 Anything that reminds he's under the ground. 291 00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:18,040 Yeah, my brain would go crazy with that. 292 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:20,320 I think it. Did every time it would rain, I 293 00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:23,560 would SOB like I thought he's under the ground and it's 294 00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:27,760 raining and he's cold. But then again I didn't like the 295 00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:29,600 other. I don't like either alternative 296 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:31,600 so I just try to stay that he's with me. 297 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:34,880 In here. Yeah, in in the in the physical 298 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:38,880 so that I don't get so sad all the time because it's easy 12, 299 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:41,080 1/2 years out. I think some days, well, I went 300 00:15:41,520 --> 00:15:43,440 a week without thinking much about him. 301 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,760 Well, I thought about that more than before. 302 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:49,120 We were in our podcast, and I thought, that's pretty cool. 303 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:51,440 I went a month. I went six months without 304 00:15:51,440 --> 00:15:55,720 thinking much. But now everything's coming to 305 00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:57,680 the forefront. I kept wondering why 12 1/2 306 00:15:57,680 --> 00:16:00,680 years later, are things really filling on the Are y'all 307 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:03,760 noticing that doing this podcast, you think more about 308 00:16:03,840 --> 00:16:05,640 all of it? Yeah. 309 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:08,160 Definitely. These ashes in nine years. 310 00:16:08,720 --> 00:16:11,360 Yeah, I am. It's like in the car with me 311 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,120 riding along. I'm like going. 312 00:16:13,160 --> 00:16:15,680 So, Frank. Going to the podcast. 313 00:16:15,680 --> 00:16:17,840 Look at Austin now. It's changed so much. 314 00:16:17,840 --> 00:16:20,600 What do you think? It's I think it's a really 315 00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:24,400 difficult concept for everyone's brain to grasp between the 316 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,160 spiritual and the physical, right? 317 00:16:26,160 --> 00:16:31,400 And some people may prefer to have the ashes as kind of like, 318 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:34,720 you know, we can sprinkle them and sprinkle him in different 319 00:16:34,720 --> 00:16:38,040 places. Whereas once you pick a plot 320 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:44,360 that is, you know where they are and it's hard to move people at 321 00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:45,880 that point. Well, that's a little more 322 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:48,800 mobile, I guess, for me, and I don't know if you have this, 323 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:53,680 going back to the video on Instagram, somebody was, you 324 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,320 know, well that that same person. 325 00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:59,440 Like, you know, why don't you bury them or why don't you, you 326 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:03,400 know, place them somewhere. And for me, I don't know where 327 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:07,119 I'm going to be long term. Like I don't feel like I'm in my 328 00:17:07,119 --> 00:17:10,119 forever home. I don't even know if I'm in my 329 00:17:10,119 --> 00:17:13,359 forever city. So I don't want to bury his 330 00:17:13,359 --> 00:17:19,920 ashes somewhere and then leave him, you know, in my mind I feel 331 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:25,079 like at some point I will bury his ashes and probably the dogs 332 00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:30,360 and just have like a bench in a in my backyard with something 333 00:17:30,360 --> 00:17:35,440 pretty there where I can go and sit and just like a spiritual 334 00:17:35,440 --> 00:17:37,800 place, if that makes sense. But I don't. 335 00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:39,960 Have. I mean, we only lived in Austin 336 00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:42,360 for four years when the accident happened, and neither of us were 337 00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:47,600 from here, so it didn't make sense for me to have him here. 338 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:49,440 I didn't know if we were staying here or not. 339 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:53,600 Well, and like Lacey, you never even go to the burial site. 340 00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:59,280 I don't like any of it. My, like, I remember being sort 341 00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:02,240 of judged by like not having a place. 342 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:07,880 And oh, your boys need a place to go to be with Toby. 343 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:11,000 I'm like they can be with Toby wherever they want. 344 00:18:11,080 --> 00:18:13,960 We're being gross, were they? Being gross and. 345 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:18,200 Keep in mind, Oliver was from Germany, so therein lies a big 346 00:18:18,200 --> 00:18:20,000 thing for me. I didn't know what to do. 347 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:22,080 Hey, you're in your Greek. I mean, it was sudden death. 348 00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:25,800 I had less than 24 hours before. I'm having to think at 38. 349 00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:26,920 Where am I going to put him? He. 350 00:18:27,160 --> 00:18:29,920 I had to put both languages, which I had the wherewithal to 351 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:34,040 put the tombstone in both languages, English and German. 352 00:18:34,440 --> 00:18:37,440 I I had to help, help with that. I had to do a ceremony in 353 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:39,440 English and German. I had a German singer. 354 00:18:39,440 --> 00:18:42,520 I mean, I was thinking, who gives a shit? 355 00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:45,040 I don't care where he is buried. I don't. 356 00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:45,920 I still don't care. I don't. 357 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,000 He's not there. He's not there. 358 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,080 He's not there. He's he's with us. 359 00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:54,840 Somebody told me early on in my grief, the soul is portable, so 360 00:18:54,840 --> 00:18:56,560 you don't need to. Oh, I just got chills. 361 00:18:56,560 --> 00:19:01,280 You don't need to worry about even even my little thing about 362 00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:03,280 burying the ashes and then moving away. 363 00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:06,160 That's not him. Nope. 364 00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:09,720 He's with us. As much as we want him to be 365 00:19:10,320 --> 00:19:12,600 with us, it doesn't matter where we go. 366 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:17,040 Frank was riding in the car with you with his ashes, and with 367 00:19:17,040 --> 00:19:20,200 this spirit I have, I have no doubt that Frank was sitting 368 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,840 there on top of. His ass Frank is with us every 369 00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:24,640 time we're in a car. Oh no. 370 00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:27,080 And the kids, yeah, but that goes back to the Instagram 371 00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:28,120 thing. So it's interesting because 372 00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:30,920 these people cared. A lot of these people care a 373 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:33,280 lot. Oh, they had the fact that 374 00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:35,480 because I, I don't. I mean, I do comment on 375 00:19:35,480 --> 00:19:39,440 Instagram, but the fact that three weeks in, people are still 376 00:19:39,440 --> 00:19:42,760 commenting even though they can see that everyone else has 377 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:46,320 commented and they're probably not saying anything new, give 378 00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:49,720 read us a couple of. One, this person felt very 379 00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:52,680 strongly. They said scatter. 380 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:55,520 Those things, Hun, What are you hanging on to? 381 00:19:56,480 --> 00:19:59,640 Would you keep his embalmed corpse in the basement? 382 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:01,520 Get some therapy. Yes. 383 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:04,840 I mean, like, wow, I. Think I made a little a little 384 00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:07,320 laughing face on that one, she was. 385 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,680 Therapy. She was thinking, yeah. 386 00:20:09,680 --> 00:20:12,200 Girl, we're way ahead of you. We've had lots of therapy. 387 00:20:12,440 --> 00:20:17,120 Yeah, but I but she's thinking that the ashes are the same as 388 00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:20,720 having an embalmed corpse in my basement. 389 00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:27,400 But also I having if I had ashes were that's not hanging on to 390 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:30,160 them. We're living with it. 391 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:32,480 I think we're all I mean especially if we're laughing 392 00:20:32,480 --> 00:20:36,080 while we're holding old Frank over here we clearly have moved 393 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:38,840 through the grieving process. That doesn't mean that you don't 394 00:20:38,840 --> 00:20:42,600 have like I find that there everything's kind of polarizing. 395 00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:44,760 Do you notice that on Instagram, some people are just like 396 00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:47,600 furious and some people can be more compassionate? 397 00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:50,240 It's one or the other. There's a middle ground there. 398 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:51,360 There's. Funny ones. 399 00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:56,120 I love the one. Run, Forest, run and then. 400 00:20:56,240 --> 00:21:00,840 That was the whole, yeah. Yeah, and then big fat Nope in 401 00:21:00,840 --> 00:21:03,560 all caps. One person also brought, and 402 00:21:03,560 --> 00:21:09,080 this is kind of more on the on my initial reaction which was of 403 00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:12,960 anger of like how dare you why would you do this But one person 404 00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:18,960 commented have him sit down with your children and explain why 405 00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:22,280 the ashes are going to have to leave the house and I was like 406 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:25,080 woo that's. Well, I think it touches a 407 00:21:25,080 --> 00:21:28,160 nerve, probably because it's happened to them in some form, 408 00:21:28,760 --> 00:21:31,240 in some form that this has become an issue. 409 00:21:31,240 --> 00:21:34,880 Like, you know, like Kira didn't get the opportunity to decide if 410 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:37,360 he was going to be in the ground or who's going to be ashes. 411 00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:40,200 I mean, it just got done for her and she just had to accept what 412 00:21:40,200 --> 00:21:43,040 was done. My case, I was so out of it. 413 00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,880 I just did what the preacher told me to do and at the end of 414 00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:49,760 the day, I didn't really care. But it is amazing to me that 415 00:21:49,760 --> 00:21:52,880 people care so much. Like, that's what it blew my 416 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:54,440 mind. I I mean. 417 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:56,360 People that probably haven't had to deal with it. 418 00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:59,880 That's the thing, that's what. Bothers me is you're commenting 419 00:21:59,880 --> 00:22:02,960 on things that you have not, you know know anything about. 420 00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:06,600 And the other thing that's interesting about the situation 421 00:22:06,600 --> 00:22:11,280 that you're talking about, Whitney is like, OK, so now I am 422 00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:14,320 a grieving person. I've lost my spouse. 423 00:22:14,320 --> 00:22:16,520 I'm branching out to this new relationship. 424 00:22:16,520 --> 00:22:19,880 I'm trying really hard to open myself up to new love, and this 425 00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:26,080 person is asking me to remove my late spouse's ashes from the 426 00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:28,320 home. I mean, if I didn't have you 427 00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:30,000 guys, who am I going to call up and be like? 428 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,680 Hey, can I park my husband's ashes at your house for the 429 00:22:33,680 --> 00:22:34,560 weekend? Right. 430 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:36,560 Because. My girlfriend's coming over. 431 00:22:37,040 --> 00:22:39,240 My boyfriend's coming over. Like who? 432 00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:41,600 That's just like more stress that you're adding. 433 00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:44,960 I also say, hey, Brendan, on to. Another difficult you know, 434 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:46,480 you're it's already a difficult situation. 435 00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:49,920 You're you're already trying to, like, create a new life for 436 00:22:49,920 --> 00:22:53,120 yourself, and now you have to deal with that extra layer of 437 00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:58,000 like, well, where am I moving him out to the car every time my 438 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:00,320 boyfriend comes? Over one of the comments was put 439 00:23:00,320 --> 00:23:03,160 him in the car. I mean, that's just a lot to ask 440 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:04,800 when you're trying to build trust. 441 00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:07,760 And what does it? OK, so I actually talk. 442 00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:09,880 I'm dating someone. He was over last night. 443 00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:13,520 I was actually talking to him about it because I still have my 444 00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:16,640 husband's clothes in the closet. You know, I would think that 445 00:23:16,640 --> 00:23:20,280 would bother somebody before the ashes, right? 446 00:23:20,560 --> 00:23:23,800 A basket of dirty laundry. Yeah, I know, I know. 447 00:23:24,240 --> 00:23:30,680 But he but he said I'm not if I if I thought it was something 448 00:23:30,680 --> 00:23:36,120 that you were obsessing about or and he did, he he was like, it 449 00:23:36,120 --> 00:23:39,600 doesn't bother me. I'm not jealous, you know, and 450 00:23:39,600 --> 00:23:43,400 you don't, you don't make me feel like you're comparing me or 451 00:23:43,400 --> 00:23:45,960 or any of those things. So I don't have a problem with 452 00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:47,880 it. But he did say, which I thought 453 00:23:47,880 --> 00:23:50,240 was interesting. He was like, but if we ever 454 00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:55,880 moved into a home together, I would want to have some 455 00:23:56,320 --> 00:23:58,800 conversation about where he would go. 456 00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:00,760 And I was like. Oh, that's valid. 457 00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:04,360 Yeah. So Brendan and I are combining 458 00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:10,920 households and we're looking at redoing the master closet, doing 459 00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:13,680 a makeover and kind of making it more organized. 460 00:24:13,680 --> 00:24:19,120 And so Frank, we'll need to find a new home probably, but that 461 00:24:19,120 --> 00:24:21,560 hasn't come up for us. Like where is he going? 462 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:26,600 And then back to the whole If he's sitting on a shelf 463 00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:29,720 somewhere, what if something happens? 464 00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:31,840 Now he's in this box that I can't even open. 465 00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:33,520 I don't think anything's going to happen. 466 00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:35,520 He's not. Getting out of that box. 467 00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:37,320 Yeah, I think you're safe. I. 468 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:41,120 Have another friend who I want to have on a widow that I've met 469 00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:47,000 recently and she was saying that her house flooded while she was 470 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:50,400 at work. Like the washing machine right? 471 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:54,400 Flooded the house and the neighbors came over and we're 472 00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:57,800 running through the house trying to save things from the water 473 00:24:57,800 --> 00:24:59,400 and everything. And she catches. 474 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:02,800 She comes home from work and one of the neighbors, like, has her 475 00:25:02,800 --> 00:25:05,040 husband. It's like we. 476 00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:08,760 Got like and it's like, is this, you know, does this go in the 477 00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:12,160 dumpster or is this she's like, no, keep her throw. 478 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:15,000 Away she's like. I'll take that. 479 00:25:16,240 --> 00:25:17,960 So how? Much water was. 480 00:25:18,120 --> 00:25:22,640 I mean, my my husband's ashes are up high on a shelf. 481 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:24,920 It's not like they would be. I don't know. 482 00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:26,360 We'll have to have her on. That's so. 483 00:25:26,680 --> 00:25:27,600 Funny. I don't know. 484 00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:30,680 I guess I was paranoid about things like that occurring. 485 00:25:31,240 --> 00:25:34,240 But yeah, no, we're going to redo this closet and I will have 486 00:25:34,240 --> 00:25:36,720 to rehome him. Yeah, but he's staying in the 487 00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:39,680 home. He's not going and Brendan is. 488 00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:41,920 I mean, has it ever even come up? 489 00:25:42,040 --> 00:25:44,760 Has it ever come up? It came up. 490 00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:49,280 We have had a lot of in and out of Frank's things. 491 00:25:50,280 --> 00:25:55,480 One dear friend kept a lot of his clothes in a storage 492 00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:58,480 facility that she recently was shutting down. 493 00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:00,880 And so he went with me to collect those things. 494 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:04,240 And then some of it is, I'm just waiting for my son to come back 495 00:26:04,240 --> 00:26:07,400 from college and kind of go through and decide, you know, 496 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:08,800 what are we going to keep and what? 497 00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:12,240 What are we going to donate? But there's already clothes 498 00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:14,360 around. I mean, the girls, they wear 499 00:26:14,360 --> 00:26:20,360 T-shirts, you know, we have the The Dirty, The Dirty laundry in 500 00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:22,520 the closet also. I'm not really sure what to do 501 00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:25,520 with that. I'm like, what did Brendan say 502 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:28,840 about? That you know to his friend he. 503 00:26:28,880 --> 00:26:31,280 Didn't. Know it's he hasn't. 504 00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:34,760 Put his foot down in any way, which is really sweet, he hasn't 505 00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:37,400 said. I mean, obviously the first time 506 00:26:37,400 --> 00:26:39,880 he went in your closet, was he like, what's? 507 00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:43,880 That it's kind of up on a shelf, which is where the ashes were. 508 00:26:44,280 --> 00:26:46,480 Yeah. I think he was just like, OK. 509 00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:52,240 I think part of it after a while, like clothes I just now 510 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:56,960 I'm just, it's laziness kind of. It's like I need to get this 511 00:26:56,960 --> 00:27:01,160 situated and you know get rid of these things or put them 512 00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:03,520 somewhere. And then part of it for me is 513 00:27:03,520 --> 00:27:07,080 that, and we've talked about this, the kids come in and I 514 00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:09,520 mean they're getting to an age where they're like, hey, do you 515 00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:13,160 have, you know, does Dad have any nice button down shirts or 516 00:27:13,160 --> 00:27:17,160 what about a tie or you know, even a heavy coat? 517 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:23,280 My son was going to go to a formal dance at in college like 518 00:27:23,280 --> 00:27:25,960 in January and he was home for the holidays. 519 00:27:25,960 --> 00:27:30,920 And I was like here, here's a nice coat that was your dad's 520 00:27:31,280 --> 00:27:33,240 that you can wear with something nice. 521 00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:34,840 But I. Think there's a fear for me 522 00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:38,640 behind giving, and I'm sure we all have this giving something 523 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,760 away or getting rid of something that it might have been 524 00:27:41,760 --> 00:27:43,760 meaningful. Yeah, like dirty laundry. 525 00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:47,120 Well, also one therapist. I think I've said this before. 526 00:27:47,120 --> 00:27:49,200 One of the therapist I went to see, not the first. 527 00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:52,440 The original was awesome. Several years in, I went to see 528 00:27:52,440 --> 00:27:54,480 somebody when I was dating somebody. 529 00:27:54,480 --> 00:27:59,520 It was the person that he recommended, and she hated the 530 00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:02,080 idea that I kept his clothes, hated it. 531 00:28:02,080 --> 00:28:03,840 She thought it was terrible. And I said, well, I'm not in 532 00:28:03,840 --> 00:28:06,160 there sniffing them every day. They're in the attic and they're 533 00:28:06,160 --> 00:28:09,440 all labeled. And the good news is, is that 534 00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:13,800 now writer is in London, in school, at school, and it's much 535 00:28:13,800 --> 00:28:16,880 colder there than in Texas. He took all of all of her 536 00:28:16,880 --> 00:28:18,880 sweaters, which were, I mean, 'cause he was from Humberg, so 537 00:28:18,880 --> 00:28:23,440 he had tons of sweaters and coats and his all of his Hugo 538 00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:26,440 Boss pants, which I lack. I would never buy that expensive 539 00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:29,440 a pants for my son to wear just for kicking around, right? 540 00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:32,080 I mean, my husband did. So he's wearing all these really 541 00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:36,520 nice clothes, and why not? And he's loving it. 542 00:28:36,680 --> 00:28:41,720 I put Toby's clothes into the boys closets and some of them 543 00:28:41,720 --> 00:28:44,560 don't fit anymore. But and I also after I took the 544 00:28:44,880 --> 00:28:50,480 the things that I really liked, I had Toby's best friends that 545 00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:52,520 you know would fit in his clothes. 546 00:28:52,880 --> 00:28:56,880 They came over and picked out some shirts they wanted and it's 547 00:28:56,880 --> 00:29:00,080 really sweet because I've seen them since then and they're like 548 00:29:01,160 --> 00:29:04,640 I have on Toby's shirt, which I obviously recognize it, but 549 00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:06,640 they're so that is dark to have it on. 550 00:29:06,640 --> 00:29:10,640 I love that. And Gabe and Zach wear like all 551 00:29:10,640 --> 00:29:13,080 his T-shirts and stuff. And that's what he would want. 552 00:29:13,120 --> 00:29:15,280 Yeah, someone said to me one time and I thought this was 553 00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:16,880 really funny. Brother Rodgers, I'm going to 554 00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:19,720 give you credit for this, he said. 555 00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:23,920 We white people bury the dead so quickly and I got tickled 556 00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:26,080 because it is kind of true. It's like hurry. 557 00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:30,760 We had to wait two weeks because one of our relatives didn't have 558 00:29:30,760 --> 00:29:32,760 their, their passport was out, was expired. 559 00:29:33,000 --> 00:29:35,280 So they had to like expedite it, whatever, get over. 560 00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:37,760 So it took us two weeks to get it all together for the funeral 561 00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:40,280 and all that. And but he said, it's so true. 562 00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:42,320 Like we're in such a hurry to get rid of the ashes. 563 00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:44,240 Such a you know, like people wanting us to get rid of the 564 00:29:44,240 --> 00:29:48,000 ashes or or to or do something with their clothes or someone 565 00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:50,760 like, I'm not kidding you, within six months someone wanted 566 00:29:50,760 --> 00:29:53,840 me to take off my ring and I was like none. 567 00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:56,760 Of your damn business. No, I'm going to do it when I 568 00:29:57,160 --> 00:29:58,960 like it. Don't you say? 569 00:29:58,960 --> 00:30:01,000 Is going to change my mind about don't be gross. 570 00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:05,800 We didn't have time employees. I mean, we all decide when we 571 00:30:05,800 --> 00:30:08,920 want to take our ring off and when we want to clean their 572 00:30:08,920 --> 00:30:11,000 closet out. And no judgment. 573 00:30:13,080 --> 00:30:15,520 If you want to eat some of your loved ones ashes. 574 00:30:15,960 --> 00:30:19,040 No judgment. Just maybe don't tell anyone, 575 00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:21,880 yeah? So I just told everyone. 576 00:30:21,880 --> 00:30:24,440 But guess what? That was just that was that's 577 00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:28,920 not really that unusual because I actually, a couple years ago, 578 00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:32,760 this was in my stand up when I did the whole death stand up. 579 00:30:32,880 --> 00:30:37,560 I saw that show, strange addictions, and there was a 580 00:30:37,560 --> 00:30:41,120 woman on there and she would take her loved ones, ashes 581 00:30:41,120 --> 00:30:43,480 around every, everywhere with her, like you're doing with 582 00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:47,000 Frank today, just today. And she would, And she would 583 00:30:47,240 --> 00:30:50,200 sprinkle him on her food. She would eat him. 584 00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:55,160 And OK, I was like, that is. Bizarre that even has passed for 585 00:30:55,160 --> 00:30:58,160 me. But even JJ Elliott the the book 586 00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:02,120 there are no rules for this. The girls all put some of their 587 00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:06,920 friends ashes in the wineglass and drank it, so it's not as 588 00:31:06,920 --> 00:31:09,400 weird as you may think. Well, it kind of goes down to 589 00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:12,960 everything, like from dating, like we can have our thoughts on 590 00:31:12,960 --> 00:31:17,520 it, but to judge somebody when they're in their deep grief is 591 00:31:17,520 --> 00:31:20,800 cruel. Well, one person maybe you have 592 00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:23,400 this comment written down, Holly, but I remember one person 593 00:31:23,400 --> 00:31:27,880 saying, why were you? Why does he even know that you 594 00:31:27,880 --> 00:31:31,120 have the ashes? Why are you even talking about 595 00:31:31,120 --> 00:31:34,080 it? And what people don't realize is 596 00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:38,320 it's not like I sat my boyfriend down and said now I'm going to 597 00:31:38,320 --> 00:31:40,000 talk to you about these ashes in here. 598 00:31:40,360 --> 00:31:44,240 It's just when you're when you're meeting someone and it's 599 00:31:44,240 --> 00:31:46,360 it didn't even have to be a a partner. 600 00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:49,760 Just when you're having conversations with people about 601 00:31:49,760 --> 00:31:53,120 your dead husband, it does come up. 602 00:31:53,760 --> 00:31:55,600 Was he buried? Where's he buried? 603 00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:58,600 Or do you have his ashes or, you know, it's just comes up. 604 00:31:59,200 --> 00:32:01,120 It's not like I made a point. Actually, I don't. 605 00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:03,400 Know that anybody's ever asked me where he was buried. 606 00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:07,480 Where's he buried, lazy? She doesn't know I dated someone 607 00:32:07,480 --> 00:32:09,760 two years. And they never asked. 608 00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:11,240 I don't. Even know that he did. 609 00:32:11,600 --> 00:32:14,360 That's so funny. We drove by, We drive by the 610 00:32:14,360 --> 00:32:17,720 cemetery when my son was was back, and when he was in middle 611 00:32:17,720 --> 00:32:19,760 school and high school. We drove by it every day. 612 00:32:19,760 --> 00:32:21,520 And sometimes we got to the point where right and I would 613 00:32:21,520 --> 00:32:23,000 laugh. We'd be like, what's up, Dad? 614 00:32:23,240 --> 00:32:24,960 And like, keep going. Right, right. 615 00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:27,200 But that's cute. I don't know that it yeah, it 616 00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:29,040 got at first. It was horrible. 617 00:32:29,200 --> 00:32:31,880 I remember going by the first year when he was in 6th grade, 618 00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:35,640 just going and it mean it had been six years by then. 619 00:32:35,640 --> 00:32:37,680 Weird. But it was weird about going by 620 00:32:37,680 --> 00:32:40,520 every day and I'd go by and just be like that, crossing my eyes, 621 00:32:40,520 --> 00:32:43,000 looking at it and just not saying anything to writer 622 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:44,480 because he's still in the back seat, right? 623 00:32:44,760 --> 00:32:47,400 And then as time went on, we got to where we could laugh about 624 00:32:47,400 --> 00:32:50,080 it, like wonder what he's up to over there with all those. 625 00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:52,160 I guess they're just dying to get in. 626 00:32:52,160 --> 00:32:53,640 We used. To make all the. 627 00:32:53,760 --> 00:32:58,800 Stupid jokes and they're just dying, laughing over there at us 628 00:32:58,800 --> 00:33:01,640 and and. What's the alternative really? 629 00:33:01,640 --> 00:33:04,880 I mean, it is it is funny in a way. 630 00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:09,360 It's it's surreal. It it seems ridiculous, you can 631 00:33:09,360 --> 00:33:11,400 cry about it or you can make a funny joke. 632 00:33:11,400 --> 00:33:13,680 You know what's kind of cool is the evolution of it. 633 00:33:13,680 --> 00:33:16,120 I remember when before the headstone was put in. 634 00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:18,120 This is very different from Y'all's situation. 635 00:33:18,120 --> 00:33:20,160 It was. I remember it being raining and 636 00:33:20,160 --> 00:33:21,680 it was horrible. I was like, OK, now it's 637 00:33:21,680 --> 00:33:24,320 depressing, it's raining and I can't find the plot because 638 00:33:24,320 --> 00:33:26,040 there's no headstone. I still don't even know if I 639 00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:28,520 could, because I'd never go, I think. 640 00:33:28,640 --> 00:33:30,800 We need to all four go. Yeah, it would be. 641 00:33:30,800 --> 00:33:34,560 We're going to go if I could find it because all the markers 642 00:33:34,560 --> 00:33:36,720 were gone. Sprinkle sprinkles to match some 643 00:33:36,760 --> 00:33:38,200 of our action we. Can put off. 644 00:33:39,000 --> 00:33:40,480 Party. Do you want to? 645 00:33:40,480 --> 00:33:41,520 Be so. I don't know. 646 00:33:41,880 --> 00:33:44,080 I don't know what I want. I just want to die and don't 647 00:33:44,080 --> 00:33:45,760 care whatever writer wants to do with. 648 00:33:45,800 --> 00:33:47,240 Me. I want to be cremated. 649 00:33:47,640 --> 00:33:48,800 I don't. I don't care. 650 00:33:49,040 --> 00:33:50,080 Right. Makes no difference to me 651 00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:52,600 because I'm dead. But like we were going there and 652 00:33:52,600 --> 00:33:55,600 writer created this little tombstone out of paper. 653 00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:58,880 He drew a tombstone on paper. So keep in mind he's six years 654 00:33:58,880 --> 00:34:01,160 old right. So he draws a little and he puts 655 00:34:01,160 --> 00:34:03,840 it in the place and and Oliver's picture was there and it and I 656 00:34:03,840 --> 00:34:07,400 remember looking at all the the the flowers were dead. 657 00:34:07,400 --> 00:34:11,120 And I I took a picture of occasionally it'll come up as a 658 00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:16,280 memory it's it's it's gross. And then flash forward years 659 00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:18,880 later 6th grade, 7th grade, 8th grade, probably about eighth 660 00:34:18,880 --> 00:34:20,639 grade. Then we were going by laughing 661 00:34:20,639 --> 00:34:23,920 and I thought well look how far we've come from. 662 00:34:24,280 --> 00:34:28,239 I hated going there to riding by joking about it. 663 00:34:28,239 --> 00:34:31,120 Now just don't think about it almost ever, because he's not 664 00:34:31,120 --> 00:34:32,719 there. No, they're not there. 665 00:34:32,719 --> 00:34:34,440 They're portable. They're hanging out with us or 666 00:34:34,440 --> 00:34:37,560 they're doing their they're doing taking care of business up 667 00:34:37,560 --> 00:34:39,560 there. Thanks for joining us today, 668 00:34:39,560 --> 00:34:42,199 guys. Come back for Part 2 of Ashes. 669 00:34:42,199 --> 00:34:46,120 Ashes, We all hold Frank where we continue the conversation and 670 00:34:46,120 --> 00:34:48,560 give you all kinds of ideas of things you can do with your 671 00:34:48,560 --> 00:34:50,920 loved ones. Ashes, are you enjoying the 672 00:34:50,920 --> 00:34:54,440 Every Widow thing episodes? Do us a favor, go on over to 673 00:34:54,440 --> 00:34:58,360 wherever you get your podcast and actually follow the show. 674 00:34:58,440 --> 00:35:01,760 And if there's an option for rate or review, please do that. 675 00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:03,080 We'd really appreciate it.