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You found us. 
I'm so glad you did. 

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But I am sorry that you had to. 
Who are we? 

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I'll tell you what. 
We're not. 

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We're not old. 
We're not boring, and we're not 

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giving up. 
So come on into our widows 

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Circle. 
We're trauma, meets humor and we

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remind you that you can not only
survive. 

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But Thrive, this is every Widow 
thing. 

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Welcome back to another episode 
of every 100 thing long. 

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We known each other. 
Now I think it's been five 

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years. 
I think that viewers once I came

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in, I guess when the group was 
complete, it was five years ago.

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When the Liriano, thank you for 
bringing us together. 

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Exactly. 
And I do feel like our guys are 

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in the room with us, we've got 
some candles lit here with their

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initials on it. 
So we feel like they're in the 

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room with us as well, which may 
be, why it's so hot in here. 

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It's toasty when I was thinking 
about what the slogan or the 

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motto or whatever would be for 
this, I kept coming back to 

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survive and thrive because that 
is what we're doing. 

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After my husband's death, I felt
super alone. 

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I didn't know anyone who had 
lost their husband young and 

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when Lacey approached me, it was
just like, it was literally like

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that image of the life raft 
being like the life. 

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Ring being thrown out in the 
ocean. 

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No one really understands what 
it's like until they've been 

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through it and I don't think 
it's normalized in society. 

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Young widows were brushed aside 
were swept under. 

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The rug were hurry up and get 
married again, move on with your

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life. 
Get over it and I don't think 

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people are like looking at with 
that really mean long-term. 

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Yeah. 
What? 

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What does that mean? 
For someone that's gone through 

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it. 
What does that mean for their 

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family Dynamic? 
What is that mean for their 

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kids? 
What That mean for their 

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friendships, the whole nine 
yards. 

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And so test was hard, when 
Oliver died, I went to a grief 

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group and unfortunately, the 
grief group was not helpful 

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because most of them in there, 
you know, 70s, 80s. 

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So, in one even said, you're 
young enough to find someone 

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else. 
Well, that was the wrong thing 

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to say to me, and probably to 
you three. 

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Yeah, I think we've all heard 
that none of us really met our 

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people through that Lacey 
started it off. 

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Because, unfortunately, she has 
been The longest amount of time 

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and I'm still not old just so, 
you know, I like to say, we're 

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not your grandma's Widow, but 
then Kara's like, that makes no 

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sense. 
It's just my background and 

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Publishing Grandma, I mean not 
affect that kind of Grandma. 

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My grandma better, we're not 
your typical Widow know, I think

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so, it did Lacey was on her own 
for a while and she reached out 

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to me. 
She, I mean, horrible way that 

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she lost her husband's just like
mine I'm in their Prime, amazing

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guys that we were like madly in 
love with and we just had so 

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much in common and so when 
unfortunately we I heard about 

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Holly someone reached out to me,
it had a giant Holly me I'd met 

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you. 
Yeah, we met through a girl that

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I used to work with, right? 
So what happens? 

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And if you're a widow you 
probably know this already and 

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even anyone dealing with grief 
or any situation, you try to 

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connect people that are having 
similar experiences. 

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Is and I think that our friend 
groups, all recognize that they 

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couldn't understand, they 
couldn't necessarily help us. 

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So they started helping connect 
us, and the counselor at my 

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child's Middle School, who I was
friends with. 

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And she reached out to me and 
she was like, there's another 

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mother who's gone through the 
same thing. 

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I would love to connect you and 
I got Holly's phone number and I

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called like immediately that day
and I was like, Hey, so my 

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husband's dead Ed and I know 
your husband's dead and again, 

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five months. 
Yeah. 

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It had been. 
It had not been a very long 

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time. 
I say the words dead died. 

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I don't pussyfoot around it. 
I had the word passed away. 

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Yeah. 
Girl, what did he pass? 

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What? 
Yeah, what naughty test, not as 

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expiration date. 
No, no. 

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All the regular words that 
people use because they're 

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uncomfortable with that. 
I don't like, I just say dead 

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died, so I'm sure Holly was 
like, huh? 

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Yeah, but I was like, my 
husband's dad was asked to help 

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you. 
Yes, I'm not sure what I'm gonna

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look like, but I'll show up. 
And then I'm, we went to coffee 

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and so, when did you and Holly 
me? 

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So, people reach out to me in 
the spring, when the accident 

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happened, which was on the same 
road as our accident. 

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And I mean, I just loved your 
energy your way more low-key 

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than I am. 
Like, I'm the extrovert your 

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head be a little bit but you, 
you just were just a great 

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person and I was super excited 
too. 

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Just try to help you in any way 
that I could you were definitely

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just full of questions. 
And I wasn't, I didn't have 

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great answers for all of it 
because I was kind of still 

95
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figuring it out for myself. 
Yes, Ed and I think you showed 

96
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up at the right time. 
But yeah, I remember talking 

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about what I do for Christmas 
and I was like and I was like 

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travel down and you're like, 
leave your like I'm thinking I 

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00:05:18,707 --> 00:05:21,300
want to plan a trip, absolutely 
plan, a trip. 

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Get the F Outta Dodge. 
Yeah, that's exactly what I did,

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too. 
It's just not fun being in your 

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house that first Christmas. 
I remember very vividly thinking

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to myself, I want to know what 
this looks like a year from now,

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two years from now, 10 years 
from now, and I want to find the

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people that are doing it the 
way. 

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I hope I will do it, you know, 
because I did not want this 

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horrible tragedy to be in vain. 
I wanted to learn something from

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it. 
I wanted to grow from I it I and

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I didn't want it to destroy me 
and it could easily do that. 

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And I think the three of you are
the type of widows that I wanted

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to be. 
We are going to introduce 

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ourselves to hopefully other 
widows and show them what this 

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looks like and how you can not 
only survive, but Thrive, I 

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hated that how we met, but I 
love that. 

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I had people who got it. 
Yes. 

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Because up until that Time. 
The only person that I had that 

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got, it was the therapist and I 
thought that was kind of 

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pathetical, especially when it 
has to do with your family. 

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They see you a certain way as a 
person who handles everything. 

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Well, it's hard to handle things
when something like that. 

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Good stuff happens to you and it
changes everything. 

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So I became different and they 
didn't respond to it. 

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Well, it's, I think, for me, it 
was about finding myself again, 

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because your identity is so 
wrapped up and back up your 

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marriage, you know, your kids, 
your family, Family unit. 

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Where was I without Frank and it
took time to ReDiscover and more

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00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:07,900
redefine. 
Yeah, so one last thing I think 

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it would be great if we gave one
tip. 

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One thing that you reached for 
what was one thing that you did?

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If a widow came to you today and
said, I don't know how to get 

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through the day. 
Like what, what did you do? 

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We relied on my friend, Um's. 
A good therapist, sometimes you 

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have to figure out who that is. 
I had to give myself Grace when 

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I like Snap to the kids or 
didn't wasn't handling or wasn't

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coping, I just had to be kind of
myself. 

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It's good one, I would say, feel
the feelings. 

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So if that means screaming in 
your car or like me, crying in 

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the closet trying to stifle, it 
just fucking keeps it there. 

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Longer, one of my son's 
therapist said, you got to feel 

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it to heal it alone. 
I cried in the closet too 

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because I didn't want the kids 
to see. 

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Oh, I do with the bathtub. 
The same thing. 

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I don't want the kids to see me 
falling apart. 

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Art, you know what I find 
interesting is that the worst 

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emotion was anger. 
That's the most repelling, 

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always say, if someone screaming
on the outside, imagine how they

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feel on the inside. 
But yet when you're a widow, the

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one thing nobody talks about, 
they see you sad and you're 

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crying. 
But I felt rage. 

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That is so interesting that you 
say that because I follow, I'm 

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00:08:41,900 --> 00:08:43,900
going to get her name wrong 
Edith. 

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Dr. Edith anger. 
She was a holocaust Survivor She

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talks a lot about grief and and 
surviving trauma. 

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And one of the things that she 
says is there will be rage. 

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Don't deny it. 
That is part of the process and 

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it is okay. 
And we need to normalize it. 

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00:09:04,300 --> 00:09:07,400
But imagine this though, your 
tell, when you're, I would go to

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friends and I would just be 
angry, I wasn't yelling at them,

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I was just angry about my life, 
but I found that there were some

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friends friendships that I lost 
as a result of it because they 

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00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:19,000
Couldn't handle the anger I 
figure. 

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I remember hearing one friend 
said it was too much for her and

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so I'm supposed to minimize the 
pain of mean rage is huge part 

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of it and to deny that means you
are stifling it or it's going to

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come out in other ways. 
Most people are uncomfortable 

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with uncomfortableness. 
Yes. 

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And so I find myself and I'm 
sure you guys have felt this to 

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00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:45,900
of toning it down or look. 
When people say I'm sorry for 

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00:09:45,900 --> 00:09:47,500
your loss. 
What's your first? 

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00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:50,900
Ponce. 
It's okay, thank you. 

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00:09:50,900 --> 00:09:56,300
No, it's fine, I'm fine. 
Yeah, you know any putting Emma 

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00:09:56,300 --> 00:09:58,600
knees. 
Yeah, that's why they're like 

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oh, where's your husband? 
He's dead. 

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00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:05,100
Let's all deal, but I but I've 
learned to say this though, it 

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00:10:05,100 --> 00:10:07,800
was funny, I've had obviously 
I've had a long time to think 

176
00:10:07,800 --> 00:10:10,300
about it. 
I didn't didn't handle it the 

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00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:13,800
way that I wanted to in those 
first years, and I was kind of 

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00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:17,700
mad at myself because I felt 
like I was minimizing my pain to

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00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:21,200
make them comfortable when the 
reality is I wanted to say. 

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It's awful, it sucks and not 
only sucks is that I wasn't just

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00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:29,500
sad I was angry for what he was 
missing, what my child was 

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00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:32,600
missing and what I was missing. 
And I had the hardest time, I 

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00:10:32,608 --> 00:10:35,100
don't know about you, guys, I 
had the hardest time for what I 

184
00:10:35,100 --> 00:10:37,600
was missing. 
I felt sorrier for my son, I 

185
00:10:37,608 --> 00:10:40,300
felt sorry for my husband and 
the reason I couldn't deal with 

186
00:10:40,300 --> 00:10:42,800
my own because it meant dealing 
with my own. 

187
00:10:44,200 --> 00:10:46,400
Yeah, that's going to happen. 
Still dealing with my own. 

188
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:51,600
I never think about me and I'm 
working on that even now in 

189
00:10:51,600 --> 00:10:55,600
therapy because it's easier. 
Where do you go with the anger? 

190
00:10:56,300 --> 00:11:00,400
What do you do with it? 
How pretty the we allowed to 

191
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:04,900
live in that? 
The the idea is that when you 

192
00:11:04,900 --> 00:11:10,500
feel a feeling fully, then it 
naturally goes through you and 

193
00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:13,400
you can release it. 
Now, it's up to us. 

194
00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:15,900
We can hold on to it. 
Just like we try to hold on to 

195
00:11:15,900 --> 00:11:18,600
the good stuff. 
We hold onto the bad stuff but 

196
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:23,300
the the idea the way things are 
supposed to naturally flow, is 

197
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,500
it just it's like a wave on the 
beach? 

198
00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:30,900
It comes in it washes over you 
and then it way it goes out. 

199
00:11:31,600 --> 00:11:36,200
So that's anger, that's sadness,
that's Joy, that's every 

200
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:40,000
feeling, but sometimes it, like,
instead of getting angry with 

201
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:43,500
the person asked have decided to
say, I'm going to stop you right

202
00:11:43,500 --> 00:11:45,700
there because someone said 
something like when they were 

203
00:11:45,700 --> 00:11:49,300
going through a divorce they 
said I know it's not a death and

204
00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:50,800
I said I'm going to stop you 
right there. 

205
00:11:51,300 --> 00:11:54,400
I there is no need to compare 
pain is pain. 

206
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:57,700
Grief is grief. 
I'm going to respect yours if 

207
00:11:57,700 --> 00:11:59,800
you'll respect mine, and 
whatever. 

208
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,300
Feeling you're feeling, I'm 
happy to sit. 

209
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:04,300
If you in it. 
And so I hope and I think that's

210
00:12:04,300 --> 00:12:07,200
what we've done for each other. 
I'm okay with someone calling 

211
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:10,700
and just like just unleashing a 
beast if they needed to. 

212
00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:13,200
It's not at me. 
Don't take it personally. 

213
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,700
It's not about you. 
It's actually about them and 

214
00:12:15,700 --> 00:12:17,500
their feelings, if you can 
learn. 

215
00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:21,000
I wish people could learn to not
make it about themselves. 

216
00:12:21,300 --> 00:12:24,600
Yes. 
And I love what you said about. 

217
00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:29,400
I will sit with you in it 
because that's all we want. 

218
00:12:29,700 --> 00:12:31,200
You can't make it. 
Go away. 

219
00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:34,400
Way, no nothing you say is going
to make it better. 

220
00:12:35,300 --> 00:12:37,500
But knowing that we're not alone
in it. 

221
00:12:37,900 --> 00:12:42,300
I'm going to sit with you in 
this and you're safe to feel 

222
00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:45,000
whatever you need to feel. 
That is the gift. 

223
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:48,400
That is the gift. 
We are so smart. 

224
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It only took me 11 years to find
out. 

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It takes a group like this, it 
takes a village in every way it 

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takes a village, at least we 
have one. 

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We do and nowhere and they will 
join us to. 

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Yes, we're inviting you into our
village and just inspire people 

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to fried a connect, try to find 
out who else might be in your 

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community going through the same
thing. 

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Yeah, call your school, call 
your church, call a grief 

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support group, my feeling was 
now the grief Center and the 

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Christie Center. 
They're two, great places are 

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lost in Austen that that deal 
with grief and that's not just 

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death. 
It's also divorce. 

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It's also So loss of a child, a 
husband, another family member. 

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So, those are great 
organizations that I know about 

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agreed. 
We can't bring your person back,

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but we can help you navigate and
bring yourself back your new 

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normal.