Welcome back to Part 2 of Dana and Robert's story.
Dana's husband has just been diagnosed with a brain tumor,
he's in palliative care, and the world is shutting down due to a
global pandemic. This is every widow thing.
And I remember there were two nights that were really, really
long and the first one was that January 1st, that night that we
stayed in the hospital waiting to find out what type of tumor
it was for after the first MRI. And then the next one was that
night when she called and said I'll be there 8:00 in the
morning. I'll never forget her coming in
and telling us. So we found out like February
25th and he ended up getting really sick and ended up being
hospitalized at MD Anderson and was in palliative care when
COVID hit. So that was February 25th.
March COVID hits kids, school closes down.
I'm at MD Anderson. I have to hire a new nanny, so I
have somebody to come there to help.
And are they allowing you to stay in the hospital?
They allowed me to stay, but then I remember one day my girls
had just come in and wanted to go see their daddy.
It was the first day they had come in to see him and hadn't
seen him like in probably a week and.
They stopped him and said no. And I said no, no, no, they're
on the list because I'd already talked to the chaplain and other
people. I was like, no, no, no, they're
on the list. They're allowed.
They're allowed to. No, no, no, no.
Children under 12. I'm like, yes, yes, you call.
I mean, I just started. What's that rule of all about?
There's because children are, you know, germ carriers.
And it was COVID, but it was limited.
I mean they would go in and see him and then leave and then we'd
come back and. But those, they did help me make
sure the girls understood that this was not curable and that he
was going to die. So the day that they found that
out, we were actually in a waiting room in palliative care
and they helped me talk to the girls.
He spent 10 days at NB Anderson in palliative care because they
told us pretty immediately that he wasn't going to qualify for
the moon shot program and that. Really, they wouldn't.
Do any the moon shot program, is that like a trial?
Yeah. Like it's like immunotherapy or?
It's trials, and I don't remember specifically which one
we were going into, but they said that he just didn't meet
the parameters because he was already way too sick.
Yeah, I don't know who could meet parameters on a clear blast
time. It's just I think because of the
location of it too. It was affecting his ocular
nerve and his inner ear. So when he would sit up, if he
would try to sit up straight, his whole body would lean.
He would lean because he couldn't regulate.
It's like having terrible Vertigo.
So what is, how is he reacting to this news and and you as a
couple, what kind of conversations are you having?
Can you even have difficult, long, or even meaningful
conversations? They were not long, but they
were meaningful. We did when he was in the
hospital at at Saint David's. During that first few weeks, we
did make some recordings for the girls one night because he was
so his blood pressure was up and down and this and that.
You know, we had so many different things going on and we
made these recordings of things that he wanted to tell the
girls. Just in case you.
Didn't make it. And recently, Vivian was able to
listen to hers. She requested to listen to it,
and I wouldn't let her. And then when she went, me
chills. Yeah, it's hard to listen to.
And I actually listened to it with my therapist the first time
she requested, and I said she's not ready.
But my oldest daughter, Vivian. You know, we all have our own
grief journeys and you know, our kids do as well.
And my oldest daughter Vivian actually went to wilderness
therapy in January of this year and it was life changing for
her. It was amazing coming of age and
dealing with her grief. But in the wilderness in Idaho,
she listened to the recording with her therapist.
It was very impactful for her to hear that, I will say.
I was part of that video like recording, and I remember
listening to both the girls recordings with my therapist and
thinking, God, I wish I had one. Oh yeah.
Well, that's something to share with our listeners.
Like, hey, don't forget about you, don't forget about your
relationship, 'cause you do folk.
I mean, you just, you tunnel on the kids.
I mean, I know I did. You just tunnel vision on the
kids and what they need and sometimes you forget what you
need. When you you left MD Anderson
and came back. We came home.
So he He came home from MD Anderson and went into Hospice
at home. Yes.
What does that look like? So.
When we were in the Indy Anderson, I was still so
overwhelmed and I had my kids and you know, I'm trying to
figure out homeschool at this point, like, what's this going
to be like? Because you know.
The school's closed, right? Because it's the middle of
COVID. And and I've negotiated and even
when I was at MD Anderson, I was still reading all the contracts
and negotiating bringing a business partner who I was, you
know basically selling half of or.
About 85% of our practice too. We had a very large practice and
and we needed to announce to clients what was going on
because our clients were very close to Robert too.
I mean he was their guy. You know I have some elderly
clients who are like Robert's always been my guy who what I
have to talk to somebody else now, you know.
And as much as they knew me, basically I spent after we got
home from MD Anderson, I spent the 1st.
I guess we retired him on March, I think it was 24th, which was
like the worst day in the market.
So think about the financial turmoil that's going on and all
the hand holding that needs to be done and COVID and the kids
are at home. And now, oh, by the way, here
you have a new, a new financial advisor.
But I hope you trust him because Robert does and I do and I'm
still going to be here. My name's still on the door.
So I spent 8 to 10 weeks doing phone calls with every client
and introducing them to my new business partner.
Yeah, and. And letting them know that
Robert was retiring and that he was dying.
I just can't imagine knowing that it's because we were all
sudden death. So when you know and there's
nothing, it's not like you're still fighting for it, you know,
or to for, for healing, right? Well, it's sort of that pre
grieving right, that we didn't have.
You're already grieving. I think Tim talked about it a
little bit too with his wife's diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.
Like you start the grieving process in in those traumatic
moments that you talk about when the information was coming back.
You know, it's a tumor. It's glioblastoma.
It's fatal. It's a little piece of the
grieving journey that's being kind of spooned out, you know,
in little increments. And yeah, it's like, it's, I
think I even told you this. It's like this car accident that
just keeps happening in slow motion.
It just keeps happening and like, oh, there's another hit.
Oh, there's another role, you know?
And it's like, it just kept on. You know, and one of the
struggles that I had, and I kind of shared this with Kira too,
when we were talking yesterday, when he was, he did agree to go
through radiation and chemo because we thought that it would
help extend his life somewhat, maybe maybe a few more months,
maybe a year. And he was willing to do that
for me and for us, even though he was pretty freaking
miserable. And I'm really glad.
I'm glad he did. I did get to take him to
Colorado. We went.
I took him fishing. That was what he wanted to do.
He started doing like a bucket list type of situation.
Well, it was really like, I mean the offer was there, but he was
too sick. So he's like, I really just want
to go up to the ranch and go fishing in Colorado and.
So we went trout fishing and our our buddy actually built like a
little dock out onto the river so that he could put his
wheelchair up there because he couldn't stand.
He couldn't even go to the bathroom by himself.
In fact, to go to the toilet I had to, like, stand there, or
the nurse had to stand there and let him lean on us so that he
could sit on a toilet because he couldn't sit up straight.
So he had, I mean just to transfer him from a car to a
wheelchair was. I mean it was, it was physical,
the whole thing. Like it was very much lifting
him everywhere, carrying him, you know, holding him, thank God
he wasn't like a huge, you know, he wasn't like 7 foot or
something. I mean, he was my height.
Able. He was lucid and he could
converse and he was aware and knew who everybody was.
Absolutely. And he understood because you
and I talked about, you know, you were able to tell him every
day that you loved him and that like, you know, the girls were
going to be OK and everything. And I mean, I know that just is
so hard to watch. That person deteriorate like
that and it's very different from our experience but equally
as painful And so I'm I'm trying to find the silver lining like
there was some you have to have goodbyes and hold hands and
have. Conversations.
One of the things I told Kira was I actually called her when
he was in the hospital. It was before he had his tumor
removed and we still thought it was benign and and we went and
had lunch. And Robert was really glad I was
going. He knew I was going to.
And I said, what? Was there anything that you wish
you had been able to do or that that I should do like like help
me like I'm, I'm trying to prep. And she said, get all the
passwords. That's the first thing got our
mouth, all those passwords. And I said, well, actually we
have this really cool encrypted thing that we share all of our
passwords already way. Way more organized than we write
it. Was pretty funny.
I think that was the first thing I said that was caught.
I was caught off guard because I didn't know how serious it was.
I knew he was in the hospital. I thought he was going to pull
through. I guess at that point.
I didn't realize it was that dire.
When you asked me that question, I was kind of.
Thrown. And then after that you said.
But seriously, you said if I just had two more minutes with
Frank in the car, I'd have told him how much I loved him and how
what an amazing father he was and just I'd have really shown
him and told him and made sure he knew.
So I took that information back, and I spent as much time as I
humanly could caring for Robert and making sure that he knew how
much I loved him. And and I did consult with him
on a lot of things, you know, we were kind of talking about.
Financial things, you know, I even said, well, what kind of
car do you think I should get for the girls when they're 16?
You know, I mean, like, you know, like, yeah, we talked
about things. Sure, that's really cool.
What did he say? So to use Lexus, Okay.
I know. No, he's he's a car guy too, so
that's great. I know, Yeah, those are
questions. Like when they come up later,
I'm like, should I sell the house right now?
Should I not sell the house right now?
Should I, you know, keep your car just because I want to?
Or you know what? How do I tell the boys about
dating or? Yeah, I mean all of these
things. I had a friend whose husband
died from cancer and her children were very little and he
wrote cards for every one of their birthdays up until they
were 18 or 21, which really sounds amazing, but the kids got
it. It was almost too much and and
in a way having the recording and they can listen to it.
But every year he had a little video and A and a card.
But it was very difficult for her children, you know, to every
year have that put on them. So it actually ended up for her
family being very stressful instead of something that I
think what now that they're older having all of those, but
the every year having to sit down and watch your, your dead
dad tell you something, you know and having a car, it was a
little bit difficult for them. Yeah, it sounds like a great
thing. I was told by a therapist, a
children's therapist. Shortly after our accident that
the kids will, you know, re grieve at every developmental
phase and that since Karis was the youngest, she had many
phases still to go through. They're sort of like that school
age phase and then there's like the middle age, adolescent phase
and then there's high school and that they will re grieve fully.
At every at every developmental stage.
And that was just heartbreaking to me because I thought, well,
how do I prepare for that for three kids going through
different after after Robert died, you and I have another
friend whose husband died, and she was at the hospital
constantly for like 10 months. And they had a daughter.
And the daughter was kind of left to other people.
So there was a repair that had to be done there.
And she felt very guilty, too, because she was like, I just
wanted to spend as much time with my husband who wasn't going
to be here. And in some ways, looking back,
I feel like maybe I neglected my own child and maybe created
another issue. It was very difficult to come
back into that relationship. Did you find that to be true?
Do you have any suggestions for people who may be going through
that right now? Yeah.
So I absolutely felt that, you know, it's basically, let's call
it January till the end of March and then we were home and it was
COVID, but I was facilitating the sale of our practice and I
had Robert who needed like 24/7 somebody by his side.
So you know, you had asked about going to Hospice care.
I did. We went straight into Hospice
care and after rehab Hospice care and I actually hired an
independent nurse as well. Actually I had a couple
different ones, but one particularly that really gave so
much time to my family and really helped me.
And we had an amazing Hospice nurse and Hospice care.
But a friend of mine in healthcare actually set that all
up and facilitated having that ready when I got home from MD
Anderson. But my kids, I did feel like
when we got back home and even, like, you know, every other
parents online with their kids, you know, during COVID helping
them school, I couldn't do that. I had no bandwidth left.
I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't.
I mean, I was doing everything I could to make sure Robert felt
loved. But I was trying to take care of
my kids, too, who were still, you know, at the time, 9:00 and
10:00. I'm like, I mean, it was, it was
hard enough when you didn't have anything else going on wrapping
all your kids in online school. Right, right.
And the sphere that, you know, add on top of that, if my kids
do go out and bring COVID back, they would be the ones that
killed their dad. I didn't want that, but I needed
them to be out. But you know, I needed.
Them layer of stress. Yeah, so not, you know, I, I say
it was a blessing and a curse that they were home watching
their dad die. They were home.
Were they having conversations with him?
Yes, they did. I mean, they were little.
I think they both still have a little guilt that it was hard to
just go in and lay in there with him because he was, you know,
not and he was coherent, but he wasn't like wanting to just sit
and chat with him, you know, I do remember Ava was I guess in
3rd grade at that point and they do at Easter this washing of the
feet. And so they sent home the job
for the kids to do a washing of someone's feet and do a video of
it. And Ava did her daddy's.
Do you have that video? Have you ever watched it?
Yeah, those are hard. Yeah, but yes, I did have a lot
of like. I felt like I was not as present
for them in that because. I just.
I couldn't do everything. And I had to be the family
steward now. I had to be responsible for the
money and for our clients. And then I also had to take care
of him. And then I had to take care of
them. And oh, yeah, by the way, I'm
drowning, right? You're in grief.
And what about, like his parents grief?
You were telling us earlier that he was an only child.
Yeah, Robert was an only child. Parents really?
I mean, obviously I had a hard time with.
That, yeah. I mean, it's still hard for
them. And I I I know that and I honor
that and I'm still very involved with them and and I do
everything I can to take care of them as he did.
But he was an only child. They had had a daughter,
Belinda, before Robert that had died at three months.
And so they had already been through that trauma of losing an
infant child and then they lost him at 48.
They're very involved and they love my girls and they take
great care of them and they really helped me a lot and
they're very supportive of me so.
I mean, family stepped in, helped a lot, friends helped a
lot. We had at the time, my kids had
been at St. Gabriel's.
Other than when they went to Ross and Saunders, and the
community at St. Gabriel's really stepped in.
I I asked them not to provide any food when Robert was sick.
I didn't want any. Covad germs coming into the
house. You know, we were all wiping
down our grocery. I was too.
Like what? Did you do?
I mean, yeah, we were. We were, yeah.
It was so crazy. Yeah, What I did was part of my
loving Robert was I love to cook and it's kind of my flow thing,
and it helps me. It does help me relax, but every
day it'd be like, oh, what do you want to eat?
Or whenever he'd get up and kind of, you know, Melissa had helped
bathe them. Or he'd get a massage.
My friend Ani, who's still very close to our family, she's
actually a therapist as well now, but she would come in and
massage him like two or three times a week.
He was a little spoiled in that sense.
So what did you do for your own spirit?
Well, I did like cooking, so I would always cook him anything
he wanted that afternoon or run and get it.
He was he, Yeah. He was eating him on massive
steroids, so like. Yeah, he can tell the story
about. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. So, well, we both love Clarks.
So we would go to Clarks a lot. And one of the funny stories was
Melissa, the nurse would help drive because I would sit in the
back to kind of hold him because he did like, kind of lean a
little. So I would usually, and it took
a lot just to get him in and out.
So she would help. And so I would hold him And
what? I mean, he often wanted Clark's.
So we'd go by Clark's and get a lobster roll, and they had those
shoestring French fries. Yes.
Well, imagine trying to feed those to a man next to you in
the car. I was.
Like, oh, that's open your mouth wide and I'd like stick.
I hate fries. They're so good fries.
I don't like them. You can't.
They're really kept on there. They're.
Sort of like a it's. Like a nest, yeah.
Like a haystack. But he'd be starving.
They're not. Give me fries.
I'm like, OK, so I just like and
just stick them in his hat. We ended up with so many French
fries in the back seat of that car.
That was funny. But one day, too, he's like, I
want lobster. I was like, OK, I'll do lobster.
I was like, I've never done a lobster.
OK, I'm going to do a lobster. And we're in Central Texas.
So, yeah, yeah, it's not Maine. So we leave Texas oncology
radiation. He's like, I want lobster.
I was like, OK, well, I'm going to run into Central Market, so I
go into Central Market. See if I got some lobsters if
you don't. Like, wait, wait in line to get
in three, I go, I want 3 live lobsters and the guy's like, OK,
which three? I was like that biggest one
there and the biggest one there and the biggest one there.
So I get these three masks. And you're like and.
Can you tell me what I do and and so I go back to the car, I
get the lemons and the butter and I'm like, OK, I'm doing it.
And they're alive. They're alive.
I get back to the car and
Melissa goes, how are you going to cook these?
That's so cool. I was like, I have no idea.
I'm going to Google it so. Google.
Ask the Google Boil boil. A pot of water, Yeah.
So I got out my big, like, crawfish.
But my husband's from New Orleans.
Yeah, right. You know, Yeah.
The crawl pot. So I was like the most difficult
thing to and I had an outdoor burner.
So I get it all. I have pictures of these
lobsters and I get them all done and.
This is true love. He comes out and.
Now I want he sits down and I'm like, I'm like, OK, I'm going to
crack him. I'm like oh that is not cracking
these these the the claws in this thing were like huge, huge.
I We had to end up getting like a chisel and a hammer to.
Get. This is what, you know, my
husband wants and his final wishes is like, give me this.
So I'm going to make it happen. I had so much lobster, so the
next day I made lobster bisque, which was really good.
Gosh, I'm. Hungry.
Now we're going to. Have to go to Clark.
'S. I think to honor Robert, you
should make us a huge lobster meal.
Yeah. We'll at least go eat some of
those fries. But what if it's still cooking?
But hold on, I want to get that. Cooking is what?
But what else do you do for yourself?
How did you find time for yourself?
Or did you? So the only thing that I did, I
started going to Pilates. I didn't want anybody around me.
I was going to one lady with a mask, one lady and her dog, and
she was doing like some energy work and like how I was holding
energy in my body and Pilates. And I got so strong and it was
amazing and I loved it. And that was really good for me.
And then I would go for walks at night with the dog around my
neighborhood. And that was kind of my head
clearing time. And I continued doing that for a
while. And then I mean that that was,
that was really kind of it. When he was sick.
And then after he died, Robert never liked me to bake because I
when he was alive, because he would eat it.
So when he died, I remember like, I got a little like crazy.
And I remember one night I made sixteen dozen cookies.
Oh, my, I was up like all night. And all my friends were like,
damn it, you've got to stop making cookies because I had to
have. Everybody else to keep giving
sourdough bread thing for sourdough starter she's in
there. You should.
Have starting up her own history.
I was going to ask about OK, the back up a little bit about
accepting that he's going into Hospice or Hospice is coming to
your house. I just have a question about
that because my dad died of cancer two months after my
husband died and he did not go on Hospice until like 2 days
before he died because my mom was like.
You only call Hospice when they're dying.
And I said he's dying. So how did, I'm just curious how
you accepted that in how long he was on Hospice.
He was on Hospice from the day we got home from MD Anderson
because he was so sick. I mean, we were in palliative
care, which is, yeah, it's the next step before Hospice, right.
And. That's like March.
But then did he pass away in October?
So he was on Hospice the entire time.
It's not unheard of for people, from what I understand, to be on
Hospice up to A. Year, it's basically if if
you're if you they know you're going to die within the next 6
to 12 months, that's usually right or when it's just
completely. Terminal we're like obviously
accepting and like. Yes, come in.
Well, we needed the support. I wasn't saying he's dead.
I just said yeah, I need the support, need help.
And a lot of times they won't let you if you're doing like
radiation or chemo, but because it's a glioblastoma and you're
going to die anyway, all it does is prolong it, possibly so.
Still considered, it's still considered criteria.
Yeah, what would what would you tell someone that's that's
starting this journey for themselves?
Get passwords. Get your passwords.
That's idiot.
That is a absolute true statement by the way.
I I would. I would.
I would, in addition to what Kira said about making sure they
know how much you love them. And, you know, I thought about a
lot of things. Like I was like, oh, let's do
this video and you tell about your life story.
And he didn't have the energy. He didn't feel like doing that.
We didn't have. I mean, he didn't feel like
writing. He didn't feel like recording a
video or more, you know, voice recordings.
I mean, he he really didn't. He could talk to me and.
Did you write stuff down? I did.
I wrote down some stuff he he would do, and I would put in
some notes and a lot of conversations centered around
financial things that he felt like I needed to know or needed
to do. The thing that I loved, which I
haven't really heard about, was that you guys renewed your vows.
So his idea was that was that, well, it's something.
He wanted to do kind of a funny thing, so we like to laugh.
We got we went away and got married in Hawaii and we had
been engaged for three years and we decided like 2 weeks before
finally that we were going to get married.
I was like, OK, finally. And so we went away to Hawaii
and got married. But we didn't have like a a
Catholic sacrament and and we kept saying we're going to do it
and then our priest retired and like we didn't and we kept not
doing our sacrament, so. Were you guys not married?
In the eyes of the Catholic, no, we're living in sin.
Mark Catholic What is the sacrament?
Is it just doing like a Mass during the.
It's a yeah. It it's basically having the
priest make your marriage blessed and and legit.
Yeah, it's the marriage and the. Catholic.
Yeah. And, you know, I mean, Robert
and I were having many conversations that around, you
know, the possibility of cremation because at our church
we have what they call a columbarium, which stands for,
like, duds nest. And there's two spots in each
one. And I was looking at different
burial places in Austin and I was like, you know, like
basically we're going to drive outside of the city or there's
one Central Austin. But I mean, there's just not a
lot of great options. And I said, but if you want to
be married at our church at Saint John Newman, then you have
to be cremated. And he just really wasn't, like,
hip on that. And then he said, well, I want
to talk to the priest about it. I was like, OK, well, we'll talk
about it. And he did.
And then he said, well, what do you think?
I said, I think it's great. He said I'd rather be close by
you guys and know that you would come to see me, you know, every
Sunday instead of, you know, or after church instead of having
me out where it only be every once in a while.
And I think some of that just strikes on your, you know, like,
you know, he wants to make sure he's remembered.
I would never forget him, but you know I I said.
Well, if you will do it, I will do it with you.
Well, at least that's good because we all have our guys
ashes and they're just sitting on a bookshelf.
I'm like, we're in the closet, I feel.
Like we need to do something with them, but I'm like.
We're in the closet over here, yeah.
Like I say, they can. They can watch and change
dresses. That's.
Funny. They watch us.
I have. OK, so you know, in my grief and
Robert did end up passing of shingles.
He had shingles that last week and we think that he got maybe a
lusion on the brain, but that's ended up what really took him
down. And so it kind of happened a
little faster than what we thought when that hit.
And that's something that nobody tells you is.
And a lot of people with cancer end up getting shingles.
So did you then? Did he get the shingles?
And then you were like, let's renew the vows.
And I'm sorry, back to the vows. It was COVID once again.
And everything was touch and go. Every day was like, oh, does he
feel well enough to do this? Does he feel a little?
And we did end up in April, and I want to say it was April 20th.
It might have been the 18th. We ended up doing our vows up in
the Little Chapel St. John Newman with Just My Girls
and my in laws, and one of our nannies was there just with the
girls, and we renewed our vows and he barely felt well enough
to do it. But we went up to the church and
I see vow renewal, sacrament and Father Red did our little
ceremony and then we went down to the grave site where he would
be buried and we took a little family picture down there and.
So he went and saw. Where he would be, he chose.
He chose the spot where he would be, he said.
Someday when my girls get married, I'm going to be right
there on the right of the, on the right of the aisle.
He's bottom right of the aisle. Like, that's awesome.
I guess I'll just drag my guy's box and what's funny about the
ashes, though? So we hadn't had time to like,
really. I'd bought the column barium
spots, and I bought ones for my girls and then for his parents
as well. Oh wow.
Everybody's going to everybody. Big old.
Party over there. I ended up though, and it came
down to like, parting with his ashes and then like putting it
in there. I was like, well, maybe I should
keep some because maybe we want to scatter some.
So I'm at the Funeral Home. I'm like, maybe we want to
scatter some. And I was like, well, how many
cases? I don't know.
To go back. Yeah.
And I was like, well, maybe I should do one of those diamonds
that they make, like, well, maybe I should do that well.
And I just, it was too many things to decide.
And I was like, how about you just keep about half of them?
They're like like 2 cups. I'm like, great.
Yes, Yeah. So where are those two cups?
Well, I stayed at the Funeral Home for quite a while because I
didn't know what to do. I was like, I don't know how to
deal with this. Deal with them's life.
So finally, like only about a month ago, I I called my my best
friend Leslie. I said Leslie, I said, can you
do something for me. She's thinking sure what I was
like will you call the Funeral Home and go get Robert's ashes?
She's like, yeah, sure, OK. And she's like, I'll be there on
Friday. And I was like, OK And I was out
of town. I was taking my girls to school
and she she called me. She's like, OK, what do you
think They should go. I was like, you are so awesome.
I was like, somewhere in my study.
She's like, I was thinking that, too.
She's like, OK, I've rearranged the shelves.
They're right here. I got the ashes.
So you know what? I'm going to move forward.
As I said in my eulogy, I will never move on.
He will always be here with me, but I will move forward.
I took on like a little motto and I think it's so funny
because you're opening intro says it and I wrote on this
piece of paper on my desk said thrive not just survive.
And I said that's going to be my goal.
I'm going to thrive, not just survive this.
So one of the things that I, you know, when when you have a
spouse that's dying of cancer, the craziness comes out of the
woodworks like, oh, you can cure it with this, Oh yeah, here's
this, you know. Like this Toad Her horse
Dewormer, which, yeah, crazy stuff comes out of the woodwork,
right? I mean, crazy, crazy stuff.
So it's so hard when when those things come about.
And even like we considered doing him being a part of a
trial but everything couldn't happen fast enough.
But I remember, and I I I did at the behest of my friend Annie,
my massage therapist slash friend slash healer.
She's everything she said. Well, I want you to consider
seeing my this therapist. I know Barbara.
And I said, OK. I said, well, I've seen
therapist. I I've had all the therapy.
I don't have time for therapy. I've had all the therapy I need.
I'm right. I can do.
I've done this. I don't have time for that.
And then then she said it again like a couple of weeks later, I
was like, she's like, you know, her husband just died of, you
know, something very similar, like some kind of tumor or some
kind of, you know, cancer. And I said, OK, well, I might.
I said, OK well, I might consider going to hers.
And she's a therapist, and she's a widow.
I might consider it. And I met her and I just fell in
love with her. And she had lost her husband.
She lost her husband April 25th, and I lost my husband October
25th, so six months later. And I had started seeing her
that summer. And I remember explaining to her
because once again, I'm very visual.
I remember telling her one day that I felt like I lived in this
state of like I hadn't imagined myself as like the stick figure,
like spread eagle over this really pointed mountain.
And it was just like splitting me.
Because on one side it was Robert living and being cured
and everything being great. And on the other side it was me
accepting that he was going to die.
And I said I don't know which one to live in.
I want to live in this. I hope he's going to live, but I
know that he's going to fucking die.
So where do I live? How do I do this?
Because I am just being torn apart every day by this.
And I had, you know, my in laws being very, you know, wanting
him to live and everyone, you know, wanting, Oh, well, there's
this miracle cure and there's this, you know.
Dewormer out. Let's try it.
Yeah, we did. We did.
Gave him that. Dewormer every day.
It's made by hearts, I think. Completely warm.
Free. Let's see if they'll give us
sponsorship. He was, he was warm free.
They'll give us a sponsorship hearts.
So I just remember feeling split by this and I said, I don't
know. I said I can't live with this
like feeling of being like I want to.
I want to be hopeful. But there's just, I have to just
accept and be prepared. And it's really hard to go
through that grieving process when you're losing your spouse
and you're watching them die and they're getting even sicker and
going downhill even more. And it's hard not I do remember
he'd suffered so much. I remember when he died feeling
some relief, not for me, but for him.
I think that's so normal for anybody that's have.
Yeah, you don't want them to terminal.
Illness or watching a loved one in pain, You're like, well, now
they're at peace, right? I mean, there is a part of that,
even though you're devastated. But by the way, Barbara said
Dana, she said you need to take that and you just need to float
over to one side. I'd imagine floating over and
then come back and then just float over to the other side and
see how it feels. Instead of feeling like you're
constantly like in this state of being split, you just need to
float to both sides. So I kind of changed my vision
of it and that really helped me. But.
So do you feel him around you? Do you have certain things that
you know are signs from him, songs or butterflies?
I have seen a lot of signs from Robert and like I said, a whole
other episode. But I recognize now that I don't
need to take each sign as a positive or a negative as an
affirmation or a a warning, one or the other.
I don't. I don't need to do it either
way. I need to recognize because I
was taking them all as a positive.
I was like, oh, that means I'm supposed to go date that crazy
man, you know, No. OK, OK, No, OK No, he did not
mean that he was at that window going get away from him, right.
You know, so I need to recognize that.
I won't always know if it's a positive or negative.
And I can't take it that way. I just have to take it as he is
here with me. And it was, I had this rosebush
that came out of nowhere in my backyard.
And I was like, I've never had this rosebush before.
Like, it may have been a little rosebush, but it came out and it
was like. Massive.
Oh, that's and I was like, this is crazy.
There was a Hummingbird that got in the garage one day and like
just kept fluttering above his car.
I. Think it's really brave.
I was. It was hard for me when we first
started this. I know it was hard for all of us
to kind of dig back into those the, you know, the darkest days.
That we've ever faced and to have to share those stories.
So we appreciate you coming in. I know it's not easy and we're
just really glad to have you here.
Well, I'm really grateful for you ladies because I did.
Just I binge listens to all your your first episodes.
And I I loved him and I. But I I want to say that, you
know, one of the things Robert and I had really started
focusing on as a couple, as a family, was on gratitude.
And when I lost him, I said, you know what?
I'm going to take the only, like, real silver lining I can
take out of this, and that is I am so grateful that I had such
an amazing partner and husband and father to my children and
he's still there. And even though no one will ever
love me exactly the way Robert did, and I will never love
someone else exactly the way I loved Robert, there's different
ways you love people. I will always love Robert, and
any man that comes into my life will have to be a strong enough
man to live with that love. Yeah, that's a whole.
Yeah, that that's definitely something that it.
Whoever comes in next for any of us, well, they're going to have
to be a strong man to to share the space with our strong men.
Well, thanks again, Dana. I hope everybody listening.
Has gotten some inspiration from her story and maybe a little bit
of hope for the future because you can survive and you
definitely have the choice on whether to thrive or not.
So thanks for listening. We'll talk to you soon.
Thanks. Bye.