1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:03,200 Welcome back to Part 2 of Dana and Robert's story. 2 00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:06,400 Dana's husband has just been diagnosed with a brain tumor, 3 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:10,840 he's in palliative care, and the world is shutting down due to a 4 00:00:10,840 --> 00:00:14,800 global pandemic. This is every widow thing. 5 00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:21,080 And I remember there were two nights that were really, really 6 00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:25,080 long and the first one was that January 1st, that night that we 7 00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:27,480 stayed in the hospital waiting to find out what type of tumor 8 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:31,280 it was for after the first MRI. And then the next one was that 9 00:00:31,280 --> 00:00:33,000 night when she called and said I'll be there 8:00 in the 10 00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:35,320 morning. I'll never forget her coming in 11 00:00:35,320 --> 00:00:38,400 and telling us. So we found out like February 12 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:43,880 25th and he ended up getting really sick and ended up being 13 00:00:43,880 --> 00:00:47,600 hospitalized at MD Anderson and was in palliative care when 14 00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:52,600 COVID hit. So that was February 25th. 15 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,760 March COVID hits kids, school closes down. 16 00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:01,000 I'm at MD Anderson. I have to hire a new nanny, so I 17 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:03,040 have somebody to come there to help. 18 00:01:03,040 --> 00:01:05,760 And are they allowing you to stay in the hospital? 19 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:11,280 They allowed me to stay, but then I remember one day my girls 20 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:14,520 had just come in and wanted to go see their daddy. 21 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:17,320 It was the first day they had come in to see him and hadn't 22 00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:20,240 seen him like in probably a week and. 23 00:01:22,200 --> 00:01:25,040 They stopped him and said no. And I said no, no, no, they're 24 00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:27,880 on the list because I'd already talked to the chaplain and other 25 00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:29,000 people. I was like, no, no, no, they're 26 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:29,800 on the list. They're allowed. 27 00:01:29,960 --> 00:01:32,120 They're allowed to. No, no, no, no. 28 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:35,280 Children under 12. I'm like, yes, yes, you call. 29 00:01:35,280 --> 00:01:37,640 I mean, I just started. What's that rule of all about? 30 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:40,440 There's because children are, you know, germ carriers. 31 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:44,720 And it was COVID, but it was limited. 32 00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:48,160 I mean they would go in and see him and then leave and then we'd 33 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:53,560 come back and. But those, they did help me make 34 00:01:53,560 --> 00:01:56,400 sure the girls understood that this was not curable and that he 35 00:01:56,400 --> 00:02:00,120 was going to die. So the day that they found that 36 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,840 out, we were actually in a waiting room in palliative care 37 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:05,440 and they helped me talk to the girls. 38 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:09,759 He spent 10 days at NB Anderson in palliative care because they 39 00:02:09,759 --> 00:02:12,480 told us pretty immediately that he wasn't going to qualify for 40 00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:15,640 the moon shot program and that. Really, they wouldn't. 41 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:19,280 Do any the moon shot program, is that like a trial? 42 00:02:19,320 --> 00:02:21,600 Yeah. Like it's like immunotherapy or? 43 00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:24,280 It's trials, and I don't remember specifically which one 44 00:02:24,280 --> 00:02:26,600 we were going into, but they said that he just didn't meet 45 00:02:26,600 --> 00:02:28,600 the parameters because he was already way too sick. 46 00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:31,760 Yeah, I don't know who could meet parameters on a clear blast 47 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:33,280 time. It's just I think because of the 48 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:37,040 location of it too. It was affecting his ocular 49 00:02:37,040 --> 00:02:40,920 nerve and his inner ear. So when he would sit up, if he 50 00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:43,000 would try to sit up straight, his whole body would lean. 51 00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:46,120 He would lean because he couldn't regulate. 52 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,080 It's like having terrible Vertigo. 53 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:55,720 So what is, how is he reacting to this news and and you as a 54 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:58,280 couple, what kind of conversations are you having? 55 00:02:58,280 --> 00:03:03,640 Can you even have difficult, long, or even meaningful 56 00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:10,680 conversations? They were not long, but they 57 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:13,640 were meaningful. We did when he was in the 58 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:20,400 hospital at at Saint David's. During that first few weeks, we 59 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:24,160 did make some recordings for the girls one night because he was 60 00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:26,280 so his blood pressure was up and down and this and that. 61 00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:28,240 You know, we had so many different things going on and we 62 00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:31,960 made these recordings of things that he wanted to tell the 63 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,160 girls. Just in case you. 64 00:03:34,160 --> 00:03:39,920 Didn't make it. And recently, Vivian was able to 65 00:03:39,920 --> 00:03:43,640 listen to hers. She requested to listen to it, 66 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:47,080 and I wouldn't let her. And then when she went, me 67 00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:50,280 chills. Yeah, it's hard to listen to. 68 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:55,520 And I actually listened to it with my therapist the first time 69 00:03:55,520 --> 00:03:57,320 she requested, and I said she's not ready. 70 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:01,880 But my oldest daughter, Vivian. You know, we all have our own 71 00:04:01,880 --> 00:04:04,600 grief journeys and you know, our kids do as well. 72 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:08,080 And my oldest daughter Vivian actually went to wilderness 73 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:12,240 therapy in January of this year and it was life changing for 74 00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:14,360 her. It was amazing coming of age and 75 00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:17,640 dealing with her grief. But in the wilderness in Idaho, 76 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:20,519 she listened to the recording with her therapist. 77 00:04:21,240 --> 00:04:25,880 It was very impactful for her to hear that, I will say. 78 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:30,640 I was part of that video like recording, and I remember 79 00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:33,160 listening to both the girls recordings with my therapist and 80 00:04:33,160 --> 00:04:37,880 thinking, God, I wish I had one. Oh yeah. 81 00:04:38,640 --> 00:04:40,920 Well, that's something to share with our listeners. 82 00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:45,880 Like, hey, don't forget about you, don't forget about your 83 00:04:45,880 --> 00:04:48,480 relationship, 'cause you do folk. 84 00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:51,000 I mean, you just, you tunnel on the kids. 85 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:55,200 I mean, I know I did. You just tunnel vision on the 86 00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:59,040 kids and what they need and sometimes you forget what you 87 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,800 need. When you you left MD Anderson 88 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,640 and came back. We came home. 89 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:08,120 So he He came home from MD Anderson and went into Hospice 90 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:09,400 at home. Yes. 91 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:12,840 What does that look like? So. 92 00:05:14,040 --> 00:05:16,760 When we were in the Indy Anderson, I was still so 93 00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:19,200 overwhelmed and I had my kids and you know, I'm trying to 94 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,440 figure out homeschool at this point, like, what's this going 95 00:05:21,440 --> 00:05:22,960 to be like? Because you know. 96 00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:25,280 The school's closed, right? Because it's the middle of 97 00:05:25,280 --> 00:05:31,640 COVID. And and I've negotiated and even 98 00:05:31,640 --> 00:05:34,240 when I was at MD Anderson, I was still reading all the contracts 99 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:38,600 and negotiating bringing a business partner who I was, you 100 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:41,040 know basically selling half of or. 101 00:05:42,080 --> 00:05:45,440 About 85% of our practice too. We had a very large practice and 102 00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:48,800 and we needed to announce to clients what was going on 103 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:50,960 because our clients were very close to Robert too. 104 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:53,680 I mean he was their guy. You know I have some elderly 105 00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:57,520 clients who are like Robert's always been my guy who what I 106 00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:58,960 have to talk to somebody else now, you know. 107 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:04,120 And as much as they knew me, basically I spent after we got 108 00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:06,840 home from MD Anderson, I spent the 1st. 109 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:11,680 I guess we retired him on March, I think it was 24th, which was 110 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:13,800 like the worst day in the market. 111 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:18,240 So think about the financial turmoil that's going on and all 112 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:23,080 the hand holding that needs to be done and COVID and the kids 113 00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:26,280 are at home. And now, oh, by the way, here 114 00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:28,440 you have a new, a new financial advisor. 115 00:06:29,320 --> 00:06:33,320 But I hope you trust him because Robert does and I do and I'm 116 00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:35,520 still going to be here. My name's still on the door. 117 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:44,720 So I spent 8 to 10 weeks doing phone calls with every client 118 00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:48,600 and introducing them to my new business partner. 119 00:06:50,520 --> 00:06:54,000 Yeah, and. And letting them know that 120 00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:58,160 Robert was retiring and that he was dying. 121 00:06:58,680 --> 00:07:02,160 I just can't imagine knowing that it's because we were all 122 00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:06,120 sudden death. So when you know and there's 123 00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:10,200 nothing, it's not like you're still fighting for it, you know, 124 00:07:10,360 --> 00:07:14,240 or to for, for healing, right? Well, it's sort of that pre 125 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:16,520 grieving right, that we didn't have. 126 00:07:17,320 --> 00:07:19,760 You're already grieving. I think Tim talked about it a 127 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:23,240 little bit too with his wife's diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. 128 00:07:23,240 --> 00:07:27,560 Like you start the grieving process in in those traumatic 129 00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:30,560 moments that you talk about when the information was coming back. 130 00:07:31,080 --> 00:07:33,600 You know, it's a tumor. It's glioblastoma. 131 00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:36,640 It's fatal. It's a little piece of the 132 00:07:36,640 --> 00:07:39,680 grieving journey that's being kind of spooned out, you know, 133 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:45,480 in little increments. And yeah, it's like, it's, I 134 00:07:45,480 --> 00:07:48,560 think I even told you this. It's like this car accident that 135 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:51,480 just keeps happening in slow motion. 136 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:53,920 It just keeps happening and like, oh, there's another hit. 137 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:55,080 Oh, there's another role, you know? 138 00:07:55,080 --> 00:08:00,080 And it's like, it just kept on. You know, and one of the 139 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:03,960 struggles that I had, and I kind of shared this with Kira too, 140 00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:09,720 when we were talking yesterday, when he was, he did agree to go 141 00:08:09,720 --> 00:08:12,840 through radiation and chemo because we thought that it would 142 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:18,320 help extend his life somewhat, maybe maybe a few more months, 143 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:22,040 maybe a year. And he was willing to do that 144 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:25,480 for me and for us, even though he was pretty freaking 145 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:29,560 miserable. And I'm really glad. 146 00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:32,120 I'm glad he did. I did get to take him to 147 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:33,799 Colorado. We went. 148 00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:37,600 I took him fishing. That was what he wanted to do. 149 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:42,280 He started doing like a bucket list type of situation. 150 00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:45,920 Well, it was really like, I mean the offer was there, but he was 151 00:08:45,920 --> 00:08:48,520 too sick. So he's like, I really just want 152 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:52,480 to go up to the ranch and go fishing in Colorado and. 153 00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:57,200 So we went trout fishing and our our buddy actually built like a 154 00:08:57,280 --> 00:09:00,480 little dock out onto the river so that he could put his 155 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:03,120 wheelchair up there because he couldn't stand. 156 00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:05,360 He couldn't even go to the bathroom by himself. 157 00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:09,080 In fact, to go to the toilet I had to, like, stand there, or 158 00:09:09,080 --> 00:09:12,480 the nurse had to stand there and let him lean on us so that he 159 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:15,120 could sit on a toilet because he couldn't sit up straight. 160 00:09:16,840 --> 00:09:21,760 So he had, I mean just to transfer him from a car to a 161 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:26,160 wheelchair was. I mean it was, it was physical, 162 00:09:26,320 --> 00:09:30,440 the whole thing. Like it was very much lifting 163 00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:34,720 him everywhere, carrying him, you know, holding him, thank God 164 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:37,680 he wasn't like a huge, you know, he wasn't like 7 foot or 165 00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:39,200 something. I mean, he was my height. 166 00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:43,360 Able. He was lucid and he could 167 00:09:43,360 --> 00:09:46,800 converse and he was aware and knew who everybody was. 168 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,920 Absolutely. And he understood because you 169 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:51,800 and I talked about, you know, you were able to tell him every 170 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:56,000 day that you loved him and that like, you know, the girls were 171 00:09:56,000 --> 00:10:01,280 going to be OK and everything. And I mean, I know that just is 172 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:05,600 so hard to watch. That person deteriorate like 173 00:10:05,600 --> 00:10:08,280 that and it's very different from our experience but equally 174 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:11,400 as painful And so I'm I'm trying to find the silver lining like 175 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:16,240 there was some you have to have goodbyes and hold hands and 176 00:10:16,320 --> 00:10:17,880 have. Conversations. 177 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:23,560 One of the things I told Kira was I actually called her when 178 00:10:23,560 --> 00:10:27,640 he was in the hospital. It was before he had his tumor 179 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:30,800 removed and we still thought it was benign and and we went and 180 00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,720 had lunch. And Robert was really glad I was 181 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,280 going. He knew I was going to. 182 00:10:37,200 --> 00:10:42,160 And I said, what? Was there anything that you wish 183 00:10:42,240 --> 00:10:46,360 you had been able to do or that that I should do like like help 184 00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:50,960 me like I'm, I'm trying to prep. And she said, get all the 185 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:54,840 passwords. That's the first thing got our 186 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:58,800 mouth, all those passwords. And I said, well, actually we 187 00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:01,120 have this really cool encrypted thing that we share all of our 188 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:04,360 passwords already way. Way more organized than we write 189 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:05,360 it. Was pretty funny. 190 00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:08,040 I think that was the first thing I said that was caught. 191 00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:11,160 I was caught off guard because I didn't know how serious it was. 192 00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:14,840 I knew he was in the hospital. I thought he was going to pull 193 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:15,960 through. I guess at that point. 194 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:17,840 I didn't realize it was that dire. 195 00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:19,960 When you asked me that question, I was kind of. 196 00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:22,520 Thrown. And then after that you said. 197 00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:26,720 But seriously, you said if I just had two more minutes with 198 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:31,520 Frank in the car, I'd have told him how much I loved him and how 199 00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:37,120 what an amazing father he was and just I'd have really shown 200 00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:39,600 him and told him and made sure he knew. 201 00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:46,800 So I took that information back, and I spent as much time as I 202 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:51,600 humanly could caring for Robert and making sure that he knew how 203 00:11:51,600 --> 00:11:56,640 much I loved him. And and I did consult with him 204 00:11:56,680 --> 00:12:00,280 on a lot of things, you know, we were kind of talking about. 205 00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:03,480 Financial things, you know, I even said, well, what kind of 206 00:12:03,480 --> 00:12:06,000 car do you think I should get for the girls when they're 16? 207 00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,080 You know, I mean, like, you know, like, yeah, we talked 208 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,440 about things. Sure, that's really cool. 209 00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:14,320 What did he say? So to use Lexus, Okay. 210 00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:19,840 I know. No, he's he's a car guy too, so 211 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,320 that's great. I know, Yeah, those are 212 00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:24,440 questions. Like when they come up later, 213 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:26,160 I'm like, should I sell the house right now? 214 00:12:26,160 --> 00:12:27,520 Should I not sell the house right now? 215 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:31,000 Should I, you know, keep your car just because I want to? 216 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:34,120 Or you know what? How do I tell the boys about 217 00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:36,120 dating or? Yeah, I mean all of these 218 00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:38,360 things. I had a friend whose husband 219 00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:42,240 died from cancer and her children were very little and he 220 00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:47,000 wrote cards for every one of their birthdays up until they 221 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:52,920 were 18 or 21, which really sounds amazing, but the kids got 222 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:55,280 it. It was almost too much and and 223 00:12:55,280 --> 00:12:57,960 in a way having the recording and they can listen to it. 224 00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:01,600 But every year he had a little video and A and a card. 225 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:06,840 But it was very difficult for her children, you know, to every 226 00:13:06,840 --> 00:13:11,120 year have that put on them. So it actually ended up for her 227 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:15,600 family being very stressful instead of something that I 228 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:20,320 think what now that they're older having all of those, but 229 00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:23,800 the every year having to sit down and watch your, your dead 230 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:27,240 dad tell you something, you know and having a car, it was a 231 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:31,040 little bit difficult for them. Yeah, it sounds like a great 232 00:13:31,040 --> 00:13:33,320 thing. I was told by a therapist, a 233 00:13:33,440 --> 00:13:37,400 children's therapist. Shortly after our accident that 234 00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:43,520 the kids will, you know, re grieve at every developmental 235 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:48,400 phase and that since Karis was the youngest, she had many 236 00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:51,720 phases still to go through. They're sort of like that school 237 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:55,080 age phase and then there's like the middle age, adolescent phase 238 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:59,200 and then there's high school and that they will re grieve fully. 239 00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:02,360 At every at every developmental stage. 240 00:14:02,360 --> 00:14:04,320 And that was just heartbreaking to me because I thought, well, 241 00:14:04,320 --> 00:14:07,320 how do I prepare for that for three kids going through 242 00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:13,240 different after after Robert died, you and I have another 243 00:14:13,240 --> 00:14:15,400 friend whose husband died, and she was at the hospital 244 00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:18,000 constantly for like 10 months. And they had a daughter. 245 00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:20,920 And the daughter was kind of left to other people. 246 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:24,280 So there was a repair that had to be done there. 247 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:27,880 And she felt very guilty, too, because she was like, I just 248 00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:30,160 wanted to spend as much time with my husband who wasn't going 249 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:32,840 to be here. And in some ways, looking back, 250 00:14:32,840 --> 00:14:36,760 I feel like maybe I neglected my own child and maybe created 251 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:38,960 another issue. It was very difficult to come 252 00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:43,280 back into that relationship. Did you find that to be true? 253 00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:46,160 Do you have any suggestions for people who may be going through 254 00:14:46,160 --> 00:14:47,560 that right now? Yeah. 255 00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:53,480 So I absolutely felt that, you know, it's basically, let's call 256 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:59,000 it January till the end of March and then we were home and it was 257 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:02,760 COVID, but I was facilitating the sale of our practice and I 258 00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:07,160 had Robert who needed like 24/7 somebody by his side. 259 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:10,320 So you know, you had asked about going to Hospice care. 260 00:15:10,320 --> 00:15:12,360 I did. We went straight into Hospice 261 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:18,120 care and after rehab Hospice care and I actually hired an 262 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:21,600 independent nurse as well. Actually I had a couple 263 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:25,880 different ones, but one particularly that really gave so 264 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,880 much time to my family and really helped me. 265 00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:30,480 And we had an amazing Hospice nurse and Hospice care. 266 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:33,400 But a friend of mine in healthcare actually set that all 267 00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,720 up and facilitated having that ready when I got home from MD 268 00:15:36,720 --> 00:15:42,560 Anderson. But my kids, I did feel like 269 00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:45,800 when we got back home and even, like, you know, every other 270 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:49,600 parents online with their kids, you know, during COVID helping 271 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:53,200 them school, I couldn't do that. I had no bandwidth left. 272 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:55,320 I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't. 273 00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:58,000 I mean, I was doing everything I could to make sure Robert felt 274 00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,920 loved. But I was trying to take care of 275 00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:02,760 my kids, too, who were still, you know, at the time, 9:00 and 276 00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:07,240 10:00. I'm like, I mean, it was, it was 277 00:16:07,240 --> 00:16:10,360 hard enough when you didn't have anything else going on wrapping 278 00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,840 all your kids in online school. Right, right. 279 00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:17,640 And the sphere that, you know, add on top of that, if my kids 280 00:16:17,640 --> 00:16:22,960 do go out and bring COVID back, they would be the ones that 281 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:26,760 killed their dad. I didn't want that, but I needed 282 00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:29,040 them to be out. But you know, I needed. 283 00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:32,640 Them layer of stress. Yeah, so not, you know, I, I say 284 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,680 it was a blessing and a curse that they were home watching 285 00:16:34,680 --> 00:16:37,280 their dad die. They were home. 286 00:16:37,760 --> 00:16:39,720 Were they having conversations with him? 287 00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:42,720 Yes, they did. I mean, they were little. 288 00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:46,080 I think they both still have a little guilt that it was hard to 289 00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:50,600 just go in and lay in there with him because he was, you know, 290 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:53,720 not and he was coherent, but he wasn't like wanting to just sit 291 00:16:53,720 --> 00:16:59,600 and chat with him, you know, I do remember Ava was I guess in 292 00:16:59,600 --> 00:17:03,400 3rd grade at that point and they do at Easter this washing of the 293 00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:08,839 feet. And so they sent home the job 294 00:17:08,839 --> 00:17:13,240 for the kids to do a washing of someone's feet and do a video of 295 00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:16,119 it. And Ava did her daddy's. 296 00:17:16,119 --> 00:17:20,200 Do you have that video? Have you ever watched it? 297 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:25,440 Yeah, those are hard. Yeah, but yes, I did have a lot 298 00:17:25,440 --> 00:17:28,200 of like. I felt like I was not as present 299 00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:32,800 for them in that because. I just. 300 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:36,760 I couldn't do everything. And I had to be the family 301 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:39,200 steward now. I had to be responsible for the 302 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:43,520 money and for our clients. And then I also had to take care 303 00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:44,960 of him. And then I had to take care of 304 00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:46,520 them. And oh, yeah, by the way, I'm 305 00:17:46,520 --> 00:17:48,800 drowning, right? You're in grief. 306 00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:51,520 And what about, like his parents grief? 307 00:17:51,520 --> 00:17:54,880 You were telling us earlier that he was an only child. 308 00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:58,040 Yeah, Robert was an only child. Parents really? 309 00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:01,920 I mean, obviously I had a hard time with. 310 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:03,800 That, yeah. I mean, it's still hard for 311 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:06,160 them. And I I I know that and I honor 312 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:11,480 that and I'm still very involved with them and and I do 313 00:18:11,480 --> 00:18:14,640 everything I can to take care of them as he did. 314 00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:20,360 But he was an only child. They had had a daughter, 315 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:23,480 Belinda, before Robert that had died at three months. 316 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:28,320 And so they had already been through that trauma of losing an 317 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:30,960 infant child and then they lost him at 48. 318 00:18:31,440 --> 00:18:34,680 They're very involved and they love my girls and they take 319 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:37,600 great care of them and they really helped me a lot and 320 00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:42,200 they're very supportive of me so. 321 00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:46,360 I mean, family stepped in, helped a lot, friends helped a 322 00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:49,080 lot. We had at the time, my kids had 323 00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:50,000 been at St. Gabriel's. 324 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,160 Other than when they went to Ross and Saunders, and the 325 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:54,520 community at St. Gabriel's really stepped in. 326 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:58,240 I I asked them not to provide any food when Robert was sick. 327 00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:00,800 I didn't want any. Covad germs coming into the 328 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:02,120 house. You know, we were all wiping 329 00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:03,920 down our grocery. I was too. 330 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:05,440 Like what? Did you do? 331 00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:07,360 I mean, yeah, we were. We were, yeah. 332 00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:11,520 It was so crazy. Yeah, What I did was part of my 333 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:14,960 loving Robert was I love to cook and it's kind of my flow thing, 334 00:19:14,960 --> 00:19:17,600 and it helps me. It does help me relax, but every 335 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:19,800 day it'd be like, oh, what do you want to eat? 336 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:23,440 Or whenever he'd get up and kind of, you know, Melissa had helped 337 00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:25,640 bathe them. Or he'd get a massage. 338 00:19:26,160 --> 00:19:30,400 My friend Ani, who's still very close to our family, she's 339 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:35,560 actually a therapist as well now, but she would come in and 340 00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:38,200 massage him like two or three times a week. 341 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:40,440 He was a little spoiled in that sense. 342 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:44,360 So what did you do for your own spirit? 343 00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:49,160 Well, I did like cooking, so I would always cook him anything 344 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,480 he wanted that afternoon or run and get it. 345 00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:55,120 He was he, Yeah. He was eating him on massive 346 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:59,440 steroids, so like. Yeah, he can tell the story 347 00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:00,360 about. Oh, yeah, yeah. 348 00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:02,840 Yeah. So, well, we both love Clarks. 349 00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:05,600 So we would go to Clarks a lot. And one of the funny stories was 350 00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:09,160 Melissa, the nurse would help drive because I would sit in the 351 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:12,200 back to kind of hold him because he did like, kind of lean a 352 00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:14,600 little. So I would usually, and it took 353 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:16,200 a lot just to get him in and out. 354 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:18,840 So she would help. And so I would hold him And 355 00:20:18,840 --> 00:20:22,000 what? I mean, he often wanted Clark's. 356 00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:24,080 So we'd go by Clark's and get a lobster roll, and they had those 357 00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:25,920 shoestring French fries. Yes. 358 00:20:25,920 --> 00:20:29,560 Well, imagine trying to feed those to a man next to you in 359 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:30,280 the car. I was. 360 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:33,480 Like, oh, that's open your mouth wide and I'd like stick. 361 00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:37,200 I hate fries. They're so good fries. 362 00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:39,120 I don't like them. You can't. 363 00:20:39,160 --> 00:20:40,400 They're really kept on there. They're. 364 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:42,760 Sort of like a it's. Like a nest, yeah. 365 00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:45,440 Like a haystack. But he'd be starving. 366 00:20:45,440 --> 00:20:46,600 They're not. Give me fries. 367 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:50,280 Give me fries. I'm like, OK, so I just like and 368 00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:52,120 just stick them in his hat. We ended up with so many French 369 00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:53,320 fries in the back seat of that car. 370 00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:56,720 That was funny. But one day, too, he's like, I 371 00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:59,560 want lobster. I was like, OK, I'll do lobster. 372 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,000 I was like, I've never done a lobster. 373 00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:04,160 OK, I'm going to do a lobster. And we're in Central Texas. 374 00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:09,240 So, yeah, yeah, it's not Maine. So we leave Texas oncology 375 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:10,960 radiation. He's like, I want lobster. 376 00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:13,640 I was like, OK, well, I'm going to run into Central Market, so I 377 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,760 go into Central Market. See if I got some lobsters if 378 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:17,360 you don't. Like, wait, wait in line to get 379 00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:21,560 in three, I go, I want 3 live lobsters and the guy's like, OK, 380 00:21:21,560 --> 00:21:23,240 which three? I was like that biggest one 381 00:21:23,240 --> 00:21:25,040 there and the biggest one there and the biggest one there. 382 00:21:25,040 --> 00:21:26,840 So I get these three masks. And you're like and. 383 00:21:26,840 --> 00:21:30,320 Can you tell me what I do and and so I go back to the car, I 384 00:21:30,320 --> 00:21:32,440 get the lemons and the butter and I'm like, OK, I'm doing it. 385 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:34,440 And they're alive. They're alive. 386 00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:36,960 They're alive. I get back to the car and 387 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:38,920 Melissa goes, how are you going to cook these? 388 00:21:38,920 --> 00:21:40,560 That's so cool. I was like, I have no idea. 389 00:21:40,560 --> 00:21:43,040 I'm going to Google it so. Google. 390 00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:46,800 Ask the Google Boil boil. A pot of water, Yeah. 391 00:21:46,880 --> 00:21:48,840 So I got out my big, like, crawfish. 392 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,480 But my husband's from New Orleans. 393 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:52,040 Yeah, right. You know, Yeah. 394 00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:55,520 The crawl pot. So I was like the most difficult 395 00:21:55,520 --> 00:21:57,720 thing to and I had an outdoor burner. 396 00:21:57,720 --> 00:21:59,520 So I get it all. I have pictures of these 397 00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:01,360 lobsters and I get them all done and. 398 00:22:01,360 --> 00:22:03,000 This is true love. He comes out and. 399 00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:06,760 Now I want he sits down and I'm like, I'm like, OK, I'm going to 400 00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:09,280 crack him. I'm like oh that is not cracking 401 00:22:09,280 --> 00:22:13,800 these these the the claws in this thing were like huge, huge. 402 00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:18,400 I We had to end up getting like a chisel and a hammer to. 403 00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:22,560 Get. This is what, you know, my 404 00:22:22,560 --> 00:22:26,680 husband wants and his final wishes is like, give me this. 405 00:22:26,680 --> 00:22:29,600 So I'm going to make it happen. I had so much lobster, so the 406 00:22:29,600 --> 00:22:32,680 next day I made lobster bisque, which was really good. 407 00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:34,000 Gosh, I'm. Hungry. 408 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:35,480 Now we're going to. Have to go to Clark. 409 00:22:35,480 --> 00:22:37,600 'S. I think to honor Robert, you 410 00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:40,240 should make us a huge lobster meal. 411 00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:42,360 Yeah. We'll at least go eat some of 412 00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:44,400 those fries. But what if it's still cooking? 413 00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:47,600 But hold on, I want to get that. Cooking is what? 414 00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:49,680 But what else do you do for yourself? 415 00:22:49,680 --> 00:22:51,480 How did you find time for yourself? 416 00:22:51,480 --> 00:22:55,760 Or did you? So the only thing that I did, I 417 00:22:55,760 --> 00:22:58,120 started going to Pilates. I didn't want anybody around me. 418 00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:02,560 I was going to one lady with a mask, one lady and her dog, and 419 00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:06,120 she was doing like some energy work and like how I was holding 420 00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:10,040 energy in my body and Pilates. And I got so strong and it was 421 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:14,000 amazing and I loved it. And that was really good for me. 422 00:23:14,480 --> 00:23:17,360 And then I would go for walks at night with the dog around my 423 00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:21,040 neighborhood. And that was kind of my head 424 00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:23,400 clearing time. And I continued doing that for a 425 00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:27,000 while. And then I mean that that was, 426 00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:29,320 that was really kind of it. When he was sick. 427 00:23:29,360 --> 00:23:34,440 And then after he died, Robert never liked me to bake because I 428 00:23:34,440 --> 00:23:36,960 when he was alive, because he would eat it. 429 00:23:37,880 --> 00:23:41,480 So when he died, I remember like, I got a little like crazy. 430 00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:43,960 And I remember one night I made sixteen dozen cookies. 431 00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:47,560 Oh, my, I was up like all night. And all my friends were like, 432 00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:50,600 damn it, you've got to stop making cookies because I had to 433 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:52,160 have. Everybody else to keep giving 434 00:23:52,200 --> 00:23:55,720 sourdough bread thing for sourdough starter she's in 435 00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:56,760 there. You should. 436 00:23:57,240 --> 00:23:58,640 Have starting up her own history. 437 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:03,440 I was going to ask about OK, the back up a little bit about 438 00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:08,680 accepting that he's going into Hospice or Hospice is coming to 439 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:11,160 your house. I just have a question about 440 00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:17,360 that because my dad died of cancer two months after my 441 00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:21,560 husband died and he did not go on Hospice until like 2 days 442 00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:23,680 before he died because my mom was like. 443 00:24:24,240 --> 00:24:26,920 You only call Hospice when they're dying. 444 00:24:27,440 --> 00:24:32,280 And I said he's dying. So how did, I'm just curious how 445 00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:38,720 you accepted that in how long he was on Hospice. 446 00:24:40,400 --> 00:24:43,280 He was on Hospice from the day we got home from MD Anderson 447 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:47,760 because he was so sick. I mean, we were in palliative 448 00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:52,400 care, which is, yeah, it's the next step before Hospice, right. 449 00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:54,760 And. That's like March. 450 00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:56,560 But then did he pass away in October? 451 00:24:57,200 --> 00:24:59,120 So he was on Hospice the entire time. 452 00:24:59,800 --> 00:25:02,320 It's not unheard of for people, from what I understand, to be on 453 00:25:02,360 --> 00:25:05,960 Hospice up to A. Year, it's basically if if 454 00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:09,240 you're if you they know you're going to die within the next 6 455 00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:12,840 to 12 months, that's usually right or when it's just 456 00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:15,000 completely. Terminal we're like obviously 457 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,400 accepting and like. Yes, come in. 458 00:25:17,520 --> 00:25:21,480 Well, we needed the support. I wasn't saying he's dead. 459 00:25:21,680 --> 00:25:24,400 I just said yeah, I need the support, need help. 460 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,800 And a lot of times they won't let you if you're doing like 461 00:25:26,800 --> 00:25:30,960 radiation or chemo, but because it's a glioblastoma and you're 462 00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:35,320 going to die anyway, all it does is prolong it, possibly so. 463 00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:37,640 Still considered, it's still considered criteria. 464 00:25:37,720 --> 00:25:40,560 Yeah, what would what would you tell someone that's that's 465 00:25:40,560 --> 00:25:42,600 starting this journey for themselves? 466 00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:45,400 Get passwords. Get your passwords. 467 00:25:45,440 --> 00:25:47,520 Get your passwords. That's idiot. 468 00:25:47,520 --> 00:25:50,400 That is a absolute true statement by the way. 469 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:52,800 I I would. I would. 470 00:25:53,480 --> 00:25:58,600 I would, in addition to what Kira said about making sure they 471 00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:02,000 know how much you love them. And, you know, I thought about a 472 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:04,080 lot of things. Like I was like, oh, let's do 473 00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:06,400 this video and you tell about your life story. 474 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:10,320 And he didn't have the energy. He didn't feel like doing that. 475 00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,360 We didn't have. I mean, he didn't feel like 476 00:26:12,360 --> 00:26:14,200 writing. He didn't feel like recording a 477 00:26:14,200 --> 00:26:17,560 video or more, you know, voice recordings. 478 00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:21,320 I mean, he he really didn't. He could talk to me and. 479 00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:23,200 Did you write stuff down? I did. 480 00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:26,800 I wrote down some stuff he he would do, and I would put in 481 00:26:26,800 --> 00:26:30,320 some notes and a lot of conversations centered around 482 00:26:30,560 --> 00:26:33,880 financial things that he felt like I needed to know or needed 483 00:26:33,880 --> 00:26:36,320 to do. The thing that I loved, which I 484 00:26:36,520 --> 00:26:41,440 haven't really heard about, was that you guys renewed your vows. 485 00:26:43,280 --> 00:26:46,640 So his idea was that was that, well, it's something. 486 00:26:46,720 --> 00:26:50,120 He wanted to do kind of a funny thing, so we like to laugh. 487 00:26:50,120 --> 00:26:53,920 We got we went away and got married in Hawaii and we had 488 00:26:53,920 --> 00:26:56,520 been engaged for three years and we decided like 2 weeks before 489 00:26:56,520 --> 00:26:57,760 finally that we were going to get married. 490 00:26:57,760 --> 00:27:02,320 I was like, OK, finally. And so we went away to Hawaii 491 00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:04,640 and got married. But we didn't have like a a 492 00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:11,880 Catholic sacrament and and we kept saying we're going to do it 493 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:15,000 and then our priest retired and like we didn't and we kept not 494 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:18,800 doing our sacrament, so. Were you guys not married? 495 00:27:18,800 --> 00:27:21,600 In the eyes of the Catholic, no, we're living in sin. 496 00:27:23,080 --> 00:27:25,040 Mark Catholic What is the sacrament? 497 00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:27,640 Is it just doing like a Mass during the. 498 00:27:27,960 --> 00:27:30,440 It's a yeah. It it's basically having the 499 00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:35,440 priest make your marriage blessed and and legit. 500 00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:40,800 Yeah, it's the marriage and the. Catholic. 501 00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:45,400 Yeah. And, you know, I mean, Robert 502 00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:48,160 and I were having many conversations that around, you 503 00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:51,880 know, the possibility of cremation because at our church 504 00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:54,640 we have what they call a columbarium, which stands for, 505 00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:58,400 like, duds nest. And there's two spots in each 506 00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:01,720 one. And I was looking at different 507 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:04,480 burial places in Austin and I was like, you know, like 508 00:28:04,480 --> 00:28:06,680 basically we're going to drive outside of the city or there's 509 00:28:06,680 --> 00:28:08,840 one Central Austin. But I mean, there's just not a 510 00:28:08,840 --> 00:28:12,800 lot of great options. And I said, but if you want to 511 00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:16,080 be married at our church at Saint John Newman, then you have 512 00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:19,000 to be cremated. And he just really wasn't, like, 513 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:21,200 hip on that. And then he said, well, I want 514 00:28:21,200 --> 00:28:23,720 to talk to the priest about it. I was like, OK, well, we'll talk 515 00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:25,200 about it. And he did. 516 00:28:25,200 --> 00:28:26,320 And then he said, well, what do you think? 517 00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:31,160 I said, I think it's great. He said I'd rather be close by 518 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:39,160 you guys and know that you would come to see me, you know, every 519 00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:44,120 Sunday instead of, you know, or after church instead of having 520 00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:46,720 me out where it only be every once in a while. 521 00:28:47,240 --> 00:28:50,360 And I think some of that just strikes on your, you know, like, 522 00:28:50,920 --> 00:28:53,120 you know, he wants to make sure he's remembered. 523 00:28:53,120 --> 00:28:58,920 I would never forget him, but you know I I said. 524 00:28:58,920 --> 00:29:00,960 Well, if you will do it, I will do it with you. 525 00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:05,840 Well, at least that's good because we all have our guys 526 00:29:05,840 --> 00:29:08,480 ashes and they're just sitting on a bookshelf. 527 00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:10,280 I'm like, we're in the closet, I feel. 528 00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:13,000 Like we need to do something with them, but I'm like. 529 00:29:13,040 --> 00:29:14,360 We're in the closet over here, yeah. 530 00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:18,240 Like I say, they can. They can watch and change 531 00:29:18,360 --> 00:29:19,840 dresses. That's. 532 00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:20,920 Funny. They watch us. 533 00:29:22,040 --> 00:29:25,840 I have. OK, so you know, in my grief and 534 00:29:25,840 --> 00:29:28,240 Robert did end up passing of shingles. 535 00:29:28,280 --> 00:29:32,640 He had shingles that last week and we think that he got maybe a 536 00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:35,560 lusion on the brain, but that's ended up what really took him 537 00:29:35,560 --> 00:29:40,160 down. And so it kind of happened a 538 00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:43,240 little faster than what we thought when that hit. 539 00:29:44,320 --> 00:29:46,400 And that's something that nobody tells you is. 540 00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:49,120 And a lot of people with cancer end up getting shingles. 541 00:29:49,120 --> 00:29:51,200 So did you then? Did he get the shingles? 542 00:29:51,200 --> 00:29:53,280 And then you were like, let's renew the vows. 543 00:29:53,280 --> 00:29:56,320 And I'm sorry, back to the vows. It was COVID once again. 544 00:29:57,320 --> 00:30:01,440 And everything was touch and go. Every day was like, oh, does he 545 00:30:01,440 --> 00:30:03,080 feel well enough to do this? Does he feel a little? 546 00:30:03,080 --> 00:30:06,480 And we did end up in April, and I want to say it was April 20th. 547 00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:11,000 It might have been the 18th. We ended up doing our vows up in 548 00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:14,960 the Little Chapel St. John Newman with Just My Girls 549 00:30:15,440 --> 00:30:19,240 and my in laws, and one of our nannies was there just with the 550 00:30:19,240 --> 00:30:25,040 girls, and we renewed our vows and he barely felt well enough 551 00:30:25,040 --> 00:30:28,400 to do it. But we went up to the church and 552 00:30:28,760 --> 00:30:33,480 I see vow renewal, sacrament and Father Red did our little 553 00:30:33,920 --> 00:30:39,720 ceremony and then we went down to the grave site where he would 554 00:30:39,720 --> 00:30:43,920 be buried and we took a little family picture down there and. 555 00:30:44,400 --> 00:30:47,720 So he went and saw. Where he would be, he chose. 556 00:30:48,360 --> 00:30:51,680 He chose the spot where he would be, he said. 557 00:30:52,000 --> 00:30:55,000 Someday when my girls get married, I'm going to be right 558 00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:58,520 there on the right of the, on the right of the aisle. 559 00:30:58,520 --> 00:31:04,080 He's bottom right of the aisle. Like, that's awesome. 560 00:31:04,080 --> 00:31:08,040 I guess I'll just drag my guy's box and what's funny about the 561 00:31:08,040 --> 00:31:11,880 ashes, though? So we hadn't had time to like, 562 00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:13,960 really. I'd bought the column barium 563 00:31:13,960 --> 00:31:17,120 spots, and I bought ones for my girls and then for his parents 564 00:31:17,120 --> 00:31:18,440 as well. Oh wow. 565 00:31:18,440 --> 00:31:20,360 Everybody's going to everybody. Big old. 566 00:31:20,360 --> 00:31:24,400 Party over there. I ended up though, and it came 567 00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:27,360 down to like, parting with his ashes and then like putting it 568 00:31:27,360 --> 00:31:28,840 in there. I was like, well, maybe I should 569 00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:30,560 keep some because maybe we want to scatter some. 570 00:31:30,840 --> 00:31:32,440 So I'm at the Funeral Home. I'm like, maybe we want to 571 00:31:32,440 --> 00:31:33,720 scatter some. And I was like, well, how many 572 00:31:33,720 --> 00:31:34,640 cases? I don't know. 573 00:31:34,640 --> 00:31:35,960 To go back. Yeah. 574 00:31:36,720 --> 00:31:38,840 And I was like, well, maybe I should do one of those diamonds 575 00:31:38,840 --> 00:31:40,480 that they make, like, well, maybe I should do that well. 576 00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:42,920 And I just, it was too many things to decide. 577 00:31:43,120 --> 00:31:45,200 And I was like, how about you just keep about half of them? 578 00:31:45,400 --> 00:31:47,080 They're like like 2 cups. I'm like, great. 579 00:31:47,080 --> 00:31:50,920 Yes, Yeah. So where are those two cups? 580 00:31:51,040 --> 00:31:54,680 Well, I stayed at the Funeral Home for quite a while because I 581 00:31:54,680 --> 00:31:57,200 didn't know what to do. I was like, I don't know how to 582 00:31:57,200 --> 00:31:58,880 deal with this. Deal with them's life. 583 00:31:59,160 --> 00:32:06,760 So finally, like only about a month ago, I I called my my best 584 00:32:06,760 --> 00:32:09,760 friend Leslie. I said Leslie, I said, can you 585 00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:12,400 do something for me. She's thinking sure what I was 586 00:32:12,440 --> 00:32:15,360 like will you call the Funeral Home and go get Robert's ashes? 587 00:32:15,360 --> 00:32:18,880 She's like, yeah, sure, OK. And she's like, I'll be there on 588 00:32:18,880 --> 00:32:20,880 Friday. And I was like, OK And I was out 589 00:32:20,880 --> 00:32:22,800 of town. I was taking my girls to school 590 00:32:22,800 --> 00:32:25,920 and she she called me. She's like, OK, what do you 591 00:32:25,920 --> 00:32:28,800 think They should go. I was like, you are so awesome. 592 00:32:28,800 --> 00:32:30,320 I was like, somewhere in my study. 593 00:32:30,760 --> 00:32:32,080 She's like, I was thinking that, too. 594 00:32:32,200 --> 00:32:33,680 She's like, OK, I've rearranged the shelves. 595 00:32:33,680 --> 00:32:35,520 They're right here. I got the ashes. 596 00:32:35,520 --> 00:32:37,760 So you know what? I'm going to move forward. 597 00:32:37,760 --> 00:32:41,920 As I said in my eulogy, I will never move on. 598 00:32:42,600 --> 00:32:46,160 He will always be here with me, but I will move forward. 599 00:32:46,680 --> 00:32:49,560 I took on like a little motto and I think it's so funny 600 00:32:49,560 --> 00:32:53,520 because you're opening intro says it and I wrote on this 601 00:32:53,520 --> 00:32:57,600 piece of paper on my desk said thrive not just survive. 602 00:32:59,000 --> 00:33:00,600 And I said that's going to be my goal. 603 00:33:00,760 --> 00:33:02,840 I'm going to thrive, not just survive this. 604 00:33:03,920 --> 00:33:07,760 So one of the things that I, you know, when when you have a 605 00:33:07,760 --> 00:33:11,720 spouse that's dying of cancer, the craziness comes out of the 606 00:33:11,720 --> 00:33:16,520 woodworks like, oh, you can cure it with this, Oh yeah, here's 607 00:33:16,520 --> 00:33:19,840 this, you know. Like this Toad Her horse 608 00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:26,560 Dewormer, which, yeah, crazy stuff comes out of the woodwork, 609 00:33:26,560 --> 00:33:29,040 right? I mean, crazy, crazy stuff. 610 00:33:29,360 --> 00:33:35,120 So it's so hard when when those things come about. 611 00:33:35,120 --> 00:33:38,920 And even like we considered doing him being a part of a 612 00:33:38,920 --> 00:33:41,280 trial but everything couldn't happen fast enough. 613 00:33:41,560 --> 00:33:46,040 But I remember, and I I I did at the behest of my friend Annie, 614 00:33:46,040 --> 00:33:48,960 my massage therapist slash friend slash healer. 615 00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:53,760 She's everything she said. Well, I want you to consider 616 00:33:53,760 --> 00:33:56,680 seeing my this therapist. I know Barbara. 617 00:33:56,680 --> 00:33:59,440 And I said, OK. I said, well, I've seen 618 00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:01,360 therapist. I I've had all the therapy. 619 00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:03,720 I don't have time for therapy. I've had all the therapy I need. 620 00:34:03,720 --> 00:34:04,480 I'm right. I can do. 621 00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:06,320 I've done this. I don't have time for that. 622 00:34:07,040 --> 00:34:10,199 And then then she said it again like a couple of weeks later, I 623 00:34:10,199 --> 00:34:15,199 was like, she's like, you know, her husband just died of, you 624 00:34:15,199 --> 00:34:18,719 know, something very similar, like some kind of tumor or some 625 00:34:18,719 --> 00:34:21,760 kind of, you know, cancer. And I said, OK, well, I might. 626 00:34:22,280 --> 00:34:24,639 I said, OK well, I might consider going to hers. 627 00:34:24,639 --> 00:34:26,960 And she's a therapist, and she's a widow. 628 00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:30,239 I might consider it. And I met her and I just fell in 629 00:34:30,239 --> 00:34:32,880 love with her. And she had lost her husband. 630 00:34:33,159 --> 00:34:36,880 She lost her husband April 25th, and I lost my husband October 631 00:34:36,880 --> 00:34:40,280 25th, so six months later. And I had started seeing her 632 00:34:40,280 --> 00:34:42,679 that summer. And I remember explaining to her 633 00:34:42,840 --> 00:34:44,400 because once again, I'm very visual. 634 00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:49,400 I remember telling her one day that I felt like I lived in this 635 00:34:49,400 --> 00:34:53,280 state of like I hadn't imagined myself as like the stick figure, 636 00:34:53,920 --> 00:34:56,679 like spread eagle over this really pointed mountain. 637 00:34:56,679 --> 00:34:59,080 And it was just like splitting me. 638 00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:03,080 Because on one side it was Robert living and being cured 639 00:35:03,080 --> 00:35:06,400 and everything being great. And on the other side it was me 640 00:35:06,400 --> 00:35:08,440 accepting that he was going to die. 641 00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:11,520 And I said I don't know which one to live in. 642 00:35:11,520 --> 00:35:14,920 I want to live in this. I hope he's going to live, but I 643 00:35:14,920 --> 00:35:16,880 know that he's going to fucking die. 644 00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:19,600 So where do I live? How do I do this? 645 00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:23,560 Because I am just being torn apart every day by this. 646 00:35:23,760 --> 00:35:28,400 And I had, you know, my in laws being very, you know, wanting 647 00:35:28,760 --> 00:35:32,000 him to live and everyone, you know, wanting, Oh, well, there's 648 00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:34,160 this miracle cure and there's this, you know. 649 00:35:34,160 --> 00:35:35,880 Dewormer out. Let's try it. 650 00:35:36,040 --> 00:35:37,560 Yeah, we did. We did. 651 00:35:38,080 --> 00:35:39,600 Gave him that. Dewormer every day. 652 00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:43,280 It's made by hearts, I think. Completely warm. 653 00:35:43,280 --> 00:35:44,520 Free. Let's see if they'll give us 654 00:35:44,720 --> 00:35:46,760 sponsorship. He was, he was warm free. 655 00:35:46,880 --> 00:35:49,280 They'll give us a sponsorship hearts. 656 00:35:50,480 --> 00:35:53,360 So I just remember feeling split by this and I said, I don't 657 00:35:53,360 --> 00:35:55,560 know. I said I can't live with this 658 00:35:55,920 --> 00:35:58,560 like feeling of being like I want to. 659 00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:01,320 I want to be hopeful. But there's just, I have to just 660 00:36:01,360 --> 00:36:05,520 accept and be prepared. And it's really hard to go 661 00:36:05,520 --> 00:36:08,160 through that grieving process when you're losing your spouse 662 00:36:08,160 --> 00:36:11,320 and you're watching them die and they're getting even sicker and 663 00:36:11,320 --> 00:36:19,200 going downhill even more. And it's hard not I do remember 664 00:36:19,680 --> 00:36:23,480 he'd suffered so much. I remember when he died feeling 665 00:36:23,480 --> 00:36:26,600 some relief, not for me, but for him. 666 00:36:26,600 --> 00:36:29,440 I think that's so normal for anybody that's have. 667 00:36:29,480 --> 00:36:30,920 Yeah, you don't want them to terminal. 668 00:36:30,920 --> 00:36:34,600 Illness or watching a loved one in pain, You're like, well, now 669 00:36:34,600 --> 00:36:37,200 they're at peace, right? I mean, there is a part of that, 670 00:36:37,360 --> 00:36:40,200 even though you're devastated. But by the way, Barbara said 671 00:36:40,200 --> 00:36:43,280 Dana, she said you need to take that and you just need to float 672 00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:46,320 over to one side. I'd imagine floating over and 673 00:36:46,320 --> 00:36:49,080 then come back and then just float over to the other side and 674 00:36:49,080 --> 00:36:50,920 see how it feels. Instead of feeling like you're 675 00:36:50,920 --> 00:36:53,840 constantly like in this state of being split, you just need to 676 00:36:53,840 --> 00:36:56,480 float to both sides. So I kind of changed my vision 677 00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:57,960 of it and that really helped me. But. 678 00:36:58,280 --> 00:37:02,960 So do you feel him around you? Do you have certain things that 679 00:37:02,960 --> 00:37:07,160 you know are signs from him, songs or butterflies? 680 00:37:08,040 --> 00:37:12,240 I have seen a lot of signs from Robert and like I said, a whole 681 00:37:12,240 --> 00:37:18,720 other episode. But I recognize now that I don't 682 00:37:18,720 --> 00:37:22,800 need to take each sign as a positive or a negative as an 683 00:37:22,800 --> 00:37:25,920 affirmation or a a warning, one or the other. 684 00:37:25,920 --> 00:37:27,480 I don't. I don't need to do it either 685 00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:29,480 way. I need to recognize because I 686 00:37:29,480 --> 00:37:30,800 was taking them all as a positive. 687 00:37:30,800 --> 00:37:33,240 I was like, oh, that means I'm supposed to go date that crazy 688 00:37:33,240 --> 00:37:38,520 man, you know, No. OK, OK, No, OK No, he did not 689 00:37:38,520 --> 00:37:42,200 mean that he was at that window going get away from him, right. 690 00:37:42,200 --> 00:37:45,720 You know, so I need to recognize that. 691 00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:47,920 I won't always know if it's a positive or negative. 692 00:37:47,920 --> 00:37:50,760 And I can't take it that way. I just have to take it as he is 693 00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:55,600 here with me. And it was, I had this rosebush 694 00:37:55,640 --> 00:37:58,000 that came out of nowhere in my backyard. 695 00:38:00,120 --> 00:38:05,320 And I was like, I've never had this rosebush before. 696 00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:07,680 Like, it may have been a little rosebush, but it came out and it 697 00:38:07,680 --> 00:38:09,200 was like. Massive. 698 00:38:09,400 --> 00:38:12,040 Oh, that's and I was like, this is crazy. 699 00:38:13,840 --> 00:38:16,760 There was a Hummingbird that got in the garage one day and like 700 00:38:16,760 --> 00:38:18,400 just kept fluttering above his car. 701 00:38:19,240 --> 00:38:20,680 I. Think it's really brave. 702 00:38:20,720 --> 00:38:22,880 I was. It was hard for me when we first 703 00:38:22,880 --> 00:38:25,120 started this. I know it was hard for all of us 704 00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:29,600 to kind of dig back into those the, you know, the darkest days. 705 00:38:30,400 --> 00:38:33,320 That we've ever faced and to have to share those stories. 706 00:38:33,320 --> 00:38:36,720 So we appreciate you coming in. I know it's not easy and we're 707 00:38:36,720 --> 00:38:38,480 just really glad to have you here. 708 00:38:38,560 --> 00:38:42,040 Well, I'm really grateful for you ladies because I did. 709 00:38:42,040 --> 00:38:45,240 Just I binge listens to all your your first episodes. 710 00:38:45,240 --> 00:38:49,520 And I I loved him and I. But I I want to say that, you 711 00:38:49,520 --> 00:38:51,480 know, one of the things Robert and I had really started 712 00:38:51,480 --> 00:38:55,240 focusing on as a couple, as a family, was on gratitude. 713 00:38:55,880 --> 00:39:00,440 And when I lost him, I said, you know what? 714 00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:07,040 I'm going to take the only, like, real silver lining I can 715 00:39:07,040 --> 00:39:12,200 take out of this, and that is I am so grateful that I had such 716 00:39:12,200 --> 00:39:16,960 an amazing partner and husband and father to my children and 717 00:39:16,960 --> 00:39:20,920 he's still there. And even though no one will ever 718 00:39:20,920 --> 00:39:24,960 love me exactly the way Robert did, and I will never love 719 00:39:24,960 --> 00:39:28,640 someone else exactly the way I loved Robert, there's different 720 00:39:28,640 --> 00:39:31,760 ways you love people. I will always love Robert, and 721 00:39:31,760 --> 00:39:34,800 any man that comes into my life will have to be a strong enough 722 00:39:34,800 --> 00:39:37,480 man to live with that love. Yeah, that's a whole. 723 00:39:37,480 --> 00:39:39,960 Yeah, that that's definitely something that it. 724 00:39:39,960 --> 00:39:42,440 Whoever comes in next for any of us, well, they're going to have 725 00:39:42,440 --> 00:39:48,200 to be a strong man to to share the space with our strong men. 726 00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:52,520 Well, thanks again, Dana. I hope everybody listening. 727 00:39:53,120 --> 00:39:59,200 Has gotten some inspiration from her story and maybe a little bit 728 00:39:59,200 --> 00:40:02,080 of hope for the future because you can survive and you 729 00:40:02,080 --> 00:40:04,720 definitely have the choice on whether to thrive or not. 730 00:40:04,720 --> 00:40:07,880 So thanks for listening. We'll talk to you soon. 731 00:40:07,960 --> 00:40:08,920 Thanks. Bye.