1 00:00:00,800 --> 00:00:05,000 Grief is messy and I know made. This is every Widow thing. 2 00:00:05,600 --> 00:00:10,500 Welcome back to another episode of every 100 thing. 3 00:00:10,500 --> 00:00:14,100 We're so glad you're here and we hope that we can help you in 4 00:00:14,100 --> 00:00:18,200 some way Kyra. You had a thought earlier, I was 5 00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:22,100 thinking about the purpose of the podcast and what we can 6 00:00:22,100 --> 00:00:27,000 offer people and these two words have kind of my head resource 7 00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:31,400 and reprieve, mmm because I think Think we're a resource. 8 00:00:31,600 --> 00:00:34,600 If unfortunately you're going through this and it's also a 9 00:00:34,608 --> 00:00:40,300 reprieve because we laugh a lot and we try and find the humor in 10 00:00:40,500 --> 00:00:44,400 difficult things. And it carries us through and it 11 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:50,800 gets us to the other side. I feel like one of my coping 12 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:54,600 skills is humor. I'm curious because I think I 13 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:57,400 know the answer. But, is that one of your coping 14 00:00:57,400 --> 00:01:03,100 skills Cara, 100%. For me, I mean, I like to joke, 15 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:06,000 It's A coping mechanism for sure. 16 00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:09,400 After the accident, I was in the car car accident, I was in the 17 00:01:09,408 --> 00:01:12,400 hospital for weeks and I've joked a lot with the staff. 18 00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:14,800 I was also on a lot of drugs. I mean yeah. 19 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:19,900 It was definitely a way to push aside difficult things that I 20 00:01:19,900 --> 00:01:22,900 wasn't ready to face. And yeah it's not always the 21 00:01:22,900 --> 00:01:25,300 best way. It's a deflector right. 22 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:27,900 What about you Holly? Absolutely. 23 00:01:28,100 --> 00:01:29,800 I was joking in the funeral home. 24 00:01:29,900 --> 00:01:33,500 Oh, really, maybe I should save that for a later. 25 00:01:33,500 --> 00:01:35,300 I know I would love to hear that joke. 26 00:01:35,300 --> 00:01:42,200 Now, Toby was cremated and I was asked, which box I wanted to put 27 00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:49,000 them in and how much and then I asked, how much was the box and 28 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:54,400 I said, is there a cheaper box? Because he ain't cares, told 29 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:58,700 there's a pine box for $100 and I said, I will take that one 30 00:01:58,700 --> 00:02:01,400 because Toby would Want me to spend money. 31 00:02:02,100 --> 00:02:06,700 Actually, my dad spent the money on it, but he would not have 32 00:02:06,700 --> 00:02:09,500 wanted to spend money on a box that was burned. 33 00:02:10,699 --> 00:02:13,200 All right, I'm going to buy this box and burn it. 34 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:18,200 We all like, it had a roomful of like my dad, my sister, my 35 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:24,300 brother-in-law and lots of friends, and we all agreed Toby 36 00:02:24,300 --> 00:02:28,300 would not spend money on a box to burn, right that that's where 37 00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:29,700 it started. Yeah. 38 00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:31,300 I love it. They see that. 39 00:02:31,300 --> 00:02:34,900 Toby, I know all of our hubby's would have been such good 40 00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:36,400 friends. I think they would have been 41 00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:38,400 very different to like us. Yeah. 42 00:02:38,900 --> 00:02:42,300 So Lacey. I, I mean, I feel your humor all 43 00:02:42,300 --> 00:02:44,100 the time. You say you're not funny but I 44 00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:46,200 think you're hilarious. Mine's dark. 45 00:02:46,200 --> 00:02:48,200 I think it's weird or I don't know, maybe. 46 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:54,400 But you guys get it. We all have such dark jokes. 47 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:57,500 I remember in the hospital when he was, he was only there for a 48 00:02:57,500 --> 00:02:59,800 day but he was in the hospital in a coma. 49 00:03:00,400 --> 00:03:03,400 And only one of my friends was there and recently, she and I 50 00:03:03,408 --> 00:03:05,800 got together because we were talking about this podcast and I 51 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:08,700 said, can you just finally tell me exactly what happened that 52 00:03:08,700 --> 00:03:13,300 day in the hospital room and I remembered bits and pieces of 53 00:03:13,300 --> 00:03:17,000 it, because it was so fast, it was less than 24 hours or less 54 00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:19,700 than 12 actually. And she said, I remember one 55 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:22,600 thing you did, that was just odd and funny. 56 00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:27,500 But so you, he was in the bed, obviously, a hospital bed and he 57 00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:32,800 was in a coma, the Priest was on the other side who subsequently 58 00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:35,100 died, six months later, which is really odd. 59 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,600 Oh my God, we were very close the priests tonight because he 60 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:39,900 had kind of a sick sense of humor, too, which is why I 61 00:03:39,900 --> 00:03:42,800 really liked him. And so he was sitting on the 62 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:45,400 opposite side, I was on the opposite side, we were kind of 63 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:50,800 an Oliver was in the middle and I lifted up the sheet and it's 64 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:57,400 like I still has a nice ass, he was in a coma and I think the 65 00:03:57,400 --> 00:04:02,000 nurses, the doctors collectively Like something is wrong with 66 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:04,800 this woman because the whole day I've been hysterical and 67 00:04:04,800 --> 00:04:08,300 throwing up and uh and then all of a sudden that weird thing 68 00:04:08,300 --> 00:04:11,000 came out of me and I don't know and I remember my therapist 69 00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,500 telling me sound like I'm from La for sure. 70 00:04:15,100 --> 00:04:17,600 Therapy is very important, it is very important. 71 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:20,399 But I remember her telling me. If you can laugh in the dark 72 00:04:20,399 --> 00:04:22,100 times, I know you're going to be okay. 73 00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:25,300 And all of us I've seen all of us laughter the dark times. 74 00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:26,500 That's how I know we're going to be okay. 75 00:04:26,500 --> 00:04:29,400 Yeah, that's so true. How long have you been a widow 76 00:04:29,400 --> 00:04:32,600 then? In 11 years, 11 years and three 77 00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:33,500 months. But who's counting? 78 00:04:33,500 --> 00:04:36,600 You're celebrating our 10th year wedding anniversary in Vegas. 79 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,700 He was on a tech trip. That's poignant. 80 00:04:38,700 --> 00:04:44,100 We were celebrating our 10-year wedding anniversary and yeah he 81 00:04:44,100 --> 00:04:46,200 died before we could go on the trip. 82 00:04:46,500 --> 00:04:51,400 That was so like days before when I had been to Vegas since 83 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:54,200 you haven't no do you think you have to? 84 00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:59,400 Well at least I'm probably missing them but no missing. 85 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:04,600 A but I'm just glad this is kind of sick, but I'm glad at least 86 00:05:04,600 --> 00:05:06,800 dotted home. What if he'd been in Vegas? 87 00:05:07,300 --> 00:05:12,200 I have that exact same thought about how hard ya, Frank was on 88 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:17,300 a business trip and New York the night before and he arrived, he 89 00:05:17,300 --> 00:05:20,100 literally arrived home in Austin. 90 00:05:21,100 --> 00:05:24,400 Got in bed with me. Okay, well well let's just stop 91 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:26,000 like I don't have to talk about that. 92 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:40,700 It's not Okay. 93 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,000 That's, I will come back to later because I have regretted 94 00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:46,400 the fact that we like, really just fell asleep because we had 95 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:49,400 to get up at 5:00 4:30. Yeah. 96 00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:52,900 Isn't it crazy when we think about the amount of time that 97 00:05:52,900 --> 00:05:56,600 it's been? Since we saw them or heard their 98 00:05:56,600 --> 00:05:59,700 voice, he's been gone as long as I knew. 99 00:05:59,900 --> 00:06:02,100 Him. That's what a that just Gail. 100 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:03,400 Yeah, yeah. Like that. 101 00:06:03,500 --> 00:06:08,200 No, I remember when Hunter died, thinking I've known, I've, he's 102 00:06:08,200 --> 00:06:13,500 been in my life longer than he liked, was not in my life. 103 00:06:13,500 --> 00:06:16,100 So guys, we're both night to yeah, we met at 19. 104 00:06:16,100 --> 00:06:20,800 Yeah, so it was a gift, it was a blessing to have him there for 105 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:23,600 so long versus you and Oliver only got 10 years. 106 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,300 But let's compare know we always my thing. 107 00:06:26,300 --> 00:06:29,100 That's right, we can't compare. And the truth is, if we're going 108 00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:31,900 to compare, And then you go down another road of like well 109 00:06:31,900 --> 00:06:35,600 somebody only got one year or somebody or someone never got 110 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:37,200 this grief. Yeah exactly. 111 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:39,700 Minimizing somebody's does not bring them back. 112 00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:43,000 It actually won't Garner you friendship either and it's all 113 00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:44,900 hard that I know not going to come back. 114 00:06:44,900 --> 00:06:48,800 It doesn't matter how cardless. I think each one of us has 115 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:52,000 different challenges as a result of what happened. 116 00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:54,900 Yeah, but I don't sit around comparing it. 117 00:06:54,900 --> 00:06:58,000 That's not and and and, and you're so right, it doesn't 118 00:06:58,000 --> 00:07:00,800 matter. And Holly you just said, To it 119 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:04,300 doesn't matter how long you were married or how long you had with 120 00:07:04,300 --> 00:07:07,200 them if you only had one day with the love of your life and 121 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:10,600 then they were gone. That doesn't mean the grief is 122 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:15,900 any less or anymore. It's like, it's just different, 123 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:20,800 it's just different, but it's still very, very intense, its 124 00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:24,900 intense and even this is something that I didn't realize 125 00:07:25,100 --> 00:07:28,700 until I own husband died, because I had some friends that 126 00:07:28,900 --> 00:07:31,400 hat and, and And you were probably this friend for a lot 127 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:34,100 of people. They see they lost their husband 128 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:39,800 and like five years and people are like, okay, you're still 129 00:07:39,900 --> 00:07:43,300 celebrating his birthday. You're still talking about your 130 00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:46,700 anniversary like they don't get it, you know. 131 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:51,500 Yeah but the truth is it doesn't matter how long it's been some 132 00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:53,300 days. It feels like it was yesterday. 133 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,900 It's also the father of our children true. 134 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,700 Don't forget that. I mean some of mine were from no 135 00:08:00,500 --> 00:08:03,300 They're all from hands. A lot of details about 136 00:08:03,300 --> 00:08:05,400 everybody's story. I had don't even know. 137 00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:07,500 Yeah. And why do you think that is? 138 00:08:07,500 --> 00:08:09,800 I think because when we get together, the last thing we want 139 00:08:09,800 --> 00:08:13,600 to focus on is the dark stuff, but we do touch on it but we 140 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:16,200 don't go back out and eat our right. 141 00:08:17,300 --> 00:08:20,300 When we get to get many times we get together, we just want to 142 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:25,600 escape and have fun, but yeah, it is nice to take a break. 143 00:08:25,900 --> 00:08:28,400 I don't know that you and I Kira ever went through every gory 144 00:08:28,400 --> 00:08:30,300 detail. I don't think that's something I 145 00:08:30,300 --> 00:08:32,299 ever do. Very I did EMDR, so I could 146 00:08:32,299 --> 00:08:35,799 forget it. Hey, I mean, I've told it so 147 00:08:35,799 --> 00:08:40,600 many times, but I feel like I definitely shared with Holly. 148 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:45,800 Probably that first time you did and I'll never forget Toby and I 149 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:48,300 were like, This is an eye for boating. 150 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:51,300 Like, I feel like we were, everyone's nightmare in a lot of 151 00:08:51,300 --> 00:08:55,700 ways and we also probably thought it doesn't happen to us. 152 00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:57,800 You never think it's gonna happen to you, right ever. 153 00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:00,400 Thought was gonna happen to me me either and then it did. 154 00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:03,800 So you never think? And I kind of now we hate it, 155 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,900 when people say why me and I'm like, why not you yeah. 156 00:09:06,900 --> 00:09:09,200 Why not you? Well and that's something that 157 00:09:09,700 --> 00:09:14,800 that's that's a victim thought versus coming from a place of 158 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:17,000 strength. I feel like, yeah, if Sit in 159 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:17,600 the. Why me? 160 00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:20,900 Why me? Look, it it is you. 161 00:09:20,900 --> 00:09:25,600 So I just got a million now, I used to stay means that you're 162 00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:27,600 better than our. You're not supposed to have 163 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:30,600 everything, right? Terrible happened to you, right? 164 00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:34,400 So I am and then wire. No, that isn't. 165 00:09:34,500 --> 00:09:39,200 This is my issue with the term. Blessed hashtag blessed. 166 00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,300 You are until something bad happens. 167 00:09:41,500 --> 00:09:45,100 Bad stuff, happens, everybody. No I think you are blessed in 168 00:09:45,100 --> 00:09:47,100 spite of that. I think they're There were 169 00:09:47,100 --> 00:09:52,500 blessings inside this trauma. One of them is meeting the three 170 00:09:52,500 --> 00:09:56,500 of you, that is a blessing. Now, you know, I'm sure if 171 00:09:56,500 --> 00:10:00,300 someone said look, do you want to hang out with Holly Lacey and 172 00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:02,500 Kara, or do you want your husband back at be like bye 173 00:10:02,500 --> 00:10:05,300 Bitches Only times that about how like our husbands but I 174 00:10:05,300 --> 00:10:07,200 probably would have all gotten along. 175 00:10:07,200 --> 00:10:09,100 Yeah. I could have been couple friends 176 00:10:11,500 --> 00:10:14,200 because I was married to someone totally opposite for I've you 177 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:18,800 but you but I feel like in a way We are a little opposite. 178 00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:23,000 Yeah, that's why means, right, if I wonder how they do, you 179 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:27,100 would have been better friends with are my husband and I would 180 00:10:27,100 --> 00:10:30,500 have connected Whitney. You would have connected more 181 00:10:30,500 --> 00:10:31,800 with Toby. Yeah. 182 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:35,200 But here's the she's nosy but no, because I don't want to have 183 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,500 to compete with someone for the attention in the room. 184 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,700 True I would have been better friends, I don't, you feel like 185 00:10:41,700 --> 00:10:45,100 I've become a little more extrovert and he was the 186 00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:47,700 extrovert and that I think. Think is another thing that will 187 00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:51,000 address in this podcast has changed how it changes you, and 188 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:55,600 sometimes as crazy as it sounds for the better, it doesn't mean 189 00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:58,600 that you wouldn't have gotten there even if your husband had 190 00:10:58,600 --> 00:11:01,600 lived. But I do believe that it pushed 191 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:09,800 us to be different and and that has given us a blessing, but I 192 00:11:09,808 --> 00:11:14,600 have a little story, I was just talking to my mother and my dad 193 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,700 has recently had foot surgery. He's, he's been kind of out of 194 00:11:17,708 --> 00:11:20,300 commission and she was like, oh my God. 195 00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:22,900 I never realized like how you know, much. 196 00:11:22,900 --> 00:11:26,100 I relied on him getting up every morning and making the coffee 197 00:11:27,300 --> 00:11:30,300 now that like, he's laid up like I have to get up and get out of 198 00:11:30,300 --> 00:11:33,700 bed and go make the coffee. And I said, gosh mom, you know, 199 00:11:33,700 --> 00:11:37,600 that's one of the things I really noticed after Frank died 200 00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:40,700 because he always got up made the coffee. 201 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:43,200 And even when we were first dating and living in New York 202 00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:46,400 City, he would get up, we were in this tiny apartment. 203 00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:50,600 Won't he would take the grinder into the bathroom and grind the 204 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:55,400 beans so that it didn't wait. I mean, I'm like, how old, how 205 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,300 long were y'all married again and then? 206 00:11:57,500 --> 00:12:00,400 Well, we were just seeing other. We were living in sin and New 207 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:04,700 York at that point. I said I get it mom. 208 00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:08,300 Like I miss just having someone make the coffee. 209 00:12:08,400 --> 00:12:13,000 It's the little things that you miss Italy and we just had this 210 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,900 moment. She was just like, I'm so glad 211 00:12:15,900 --> 00:12:20,900 your dad's It is better. Not like because now my papi you 212 00:12:20,900 --> 00:12:23,300 know what now I make the coffee. You know? 213 00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:26,200 Like I yeah you learn how to make the cough. 214 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,500 Got up and started making the coffee. 215 00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:33,400 Well he didn't make that person was gone, he was a good guy 216 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:34,800 with. That was not being you do get 217 00:12:34,800 --> 00:12:40,200 strength in suffering and I think we all would agree that we 218 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:44,300 feel like we could handle whatever comes our way at this 219 00:12:44,300 --> 00:12:45,800 point. Don't you think? 220 00:12:45,900 --> 00:12:50,500 I think we Have handled we have but even moving forward. 221 00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:54,500 I just really in the core of my being now know that, you know 222 00:12:54,500 --> 00:12:58,900 what, whatever happens next got it. 223 00:12:58,900 --> 00:13:02,100 It doesn't mean I won't be sad. It doesn't mean it won't hurt, 224 00:13:02,100 --> 00:13:05,700 but I will fucking handle it. And that is a gift and you 225 00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:07,400 hashtag blessed. You have to. 226 00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:10,400 Yeah, you have no choice. Although we say that. 227 00:13:10,400 --> 00:13:11,800 Well, you actually do have a choice. 228 00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:13,400 You do have a just chose the one. 229 00:13:13,400 --> 00:13:16,400 That's exactly, exactly. Agreed. 230 00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:19,400 All right, so that kind of segues into what I was going to 231 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:23,500 ask next, which is what is your Mantra? 232 00:13:23,700 --> 00:13:27,300 I know early on after Hunter died. 233 00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:32,000 I kind of was searching. Like I said in the last episode 234 00:13:32,700 --> 00:13:36,000 for like, I'm not, he's not going to die in vain, I will 235 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:37,900 learn the lessons. Like, what are they? 236 00:13:38,100 --> 00:13:43,500 And one of the things that I said to myself, constantly was 237 00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:48,500 all is, well, all will be well, because I Have a very big faith 238 00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:51,500 in what happens next. So, what about you guys? 239 00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:59,700 Oh, come to me last. Yes, lazy day from my longtime 240 00:13:59,700 --> 00:14:02,000 best friend. We were roommates in Los Angeles 241 00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:06,900 for five years and she's kind of like all business, shall we? 242 00:14:06,900 --> 00:14:10,100 Say she's not much of a person who can tap into her emotional 243 00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:13,500 side, but she did send me something that really resonated. 244 00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:15,700 And I thought I'm seeing a different side to her. 245 00:14:15,700 --> 00:14:17,600 She sent me. That was a butterfly which is 246 00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:20,400 always been my thing. And it said our journey of new 247 00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:23,100 beginnings will always honor and rejoice the past. 248 00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:27,800 So we've tried to bring right Oliver into the picture and 249 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:31,900 carry him with us but also look forward to new adventures and 250 00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:37,600 not dwell on the past as well. I love that and I love that she 251 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:41,500 shared that with me because I thought, wow, she's deeper than 252 00:14:41,500 --> 00:14:43,800 I thought. Sorry Cal she's not all busy. 253 00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:48,500 Kathy Kathy is Got some, something else going on besides 254 00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:51,000 business. But did you have a mantra Lacey? 255 00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:52,700 I thought you said you did. That was it? 256 00:14:52,700 --> 00:14:54,200 That was it? That was it ever? 257 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:57,200 Although I feel like because you also less a less dark less 258 00:14:57,200 --> 00:14:59,000 often. Yeah, I thought it was when I 259 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:04,000 met when I met Kira, I remember her looking at me with these, 260 00:15:04,100 --> 00:15:07,600 she has these Soulful eyes, but they just look super sad. 261 00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:09,500 And it was just, it was killing me. 262 00:15:09,500 --> 00:15:11,800 I think I saw you in the same way and I was like, and I didn't 263 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:16,000 know you at all or nor you, Kara, and I remember thinking, 264 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:18,900 The only thing I can depart I don't know that I told you that 265 00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:21,000 day because it you were that was probably the first week he had 266 00:15:21,000 --> 00:15:22,600 died a. Hey, I don't remember. 267 00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:25,500 I don't say shit. We could ever seen you and yeah, 268 00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:29,200 like oh she's beautiful. Well good thank you for coming. 269 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:30,800 You keep you keep some back again. 270 00:15:30,800 --> 00:15:34,200 Thinking that I don't know what you said but I know I said it 271 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:37,500 during Kira. I stood less D+ Stark less often 272 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,600 because it stays with you you learn to live with it. 273 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:43,300 I hate when people say what are you going to get over it? 274 00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:46,000 Or they will get over it. No you don't get over it. 275 00:15:46,000 --> 00:15:50,100 You get Through it. Everybody get over it right, 276 00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:53,100 it's less deep. Meaning, if I go there and I 277 00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:55,100 have a moment, I allow myself to do it. 278 00:15:55,100 --> 00:15:59,400 Now, I create the space and it usually sometimes is very 279 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:01,600 wistful. It just comes in and breezes in 280 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:04,200 for a few minutes and then it leaves and then I can move on 281 00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:06,300 through my day and it's less dark. 282 00:16:06,300 --> 00:16:10,100 I used to spend thousands of hours in the bathtub because my 283 00:16:10,100 --> 00:16:12,200 son was so young. I didn't want him to see the 284 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:15,700 true darkness of it all, and I'm sure you guys can relate to that 285 00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:18,700 because you had little As well, you don't want them to see the 286 00:16:18,700 --> 00:16:22,700 real dark stuff but you do want them to see that you can recover 287 00:16:22,700 --> 00:16:25,100 evening. They want to grieve and recover 288 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:29,600 exact, but the real dark stuff and then less often like now 289 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,900 it's less often, which I'm so grateful for because I thought 290 00:16:32,900 --> 00:16:35,200 back when we were going to do this podcast, I remember 291 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:38,200 thinking. I don't think I could go back 292 00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:41,300 and do that again. It's exhausting. 293 00:16:42,100 --> 00:16:45,300 I still am not sure how we all did it. 294 00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:49,500 I don't Don't, it's just a perfect example of you, don't 295 00:16:49,700 --> 00:16:54,100 you just do you just do? Yeah, I looked at my sweet son's 296 00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:55,400 eyes. I think that's what did it 297 00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,200 actually. If it weren't for him, I don't 298 00:16:57,200 --> 00:17:01,700 think I would have cared. I thought I brought him here. 299 00:17:02,200 --> 00:17:04,000 I've got to make sure he's going to be okay. 300 00:17:04,700 --> 00:17:06,599 And that's also a part of Oliver. 301 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:11,900 You know, so you want to honor them. 302 00:17:12,300 --> 00:17:13,500 I thought we weren't going to do this. 303 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:16,500 No, dude, we cry, we laugh. We drink. 304 00:17:16,500 --> 00:17:20,300 We like to take a sip of hot flashes. 305 00:17:20,300 --> 00:17:23,900 We do it all here at your whistle wet, your whistle. 306 00:17:24,500 --> 00:17:30,000 All right Hollywood, about you, Well, I don't have a definite 307 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:32,600 Mantra. I mean, maybe have a lot of them 308 00:17:32,600 --> 00:17:40,400 and I don't know, I think it my kids age and Getting them 309 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:45,600 through, getting myself through. I was like, I'm just going to 310 00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:49,400 get through the day. And people would ask me, what 311 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:53,200 are you doing, what did you know, whatever. 312 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:55,500 The question might be. And I'm like, I'm just getting 313 00:17:55,500 --> 00:17:58,600 through the day. I think that's a good one is, 314 00:17:58,600 --> 00:18:04,000 especially in the beginning because anything else is so 315 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:08,500 overwhelming and sad that all you can focus on. 316 00:18:08,500 --> 00:18:12,300 Is this moment that day like yeah I'm just going to get 317 00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:17,100 through this, still have days. Like I have one. 318 00:18:17,300 --> 00:18:20,700 Task might as an app, I have a task, it's a bad, it's like 319 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:24,600 maybe it's a workout, maybe it's Costco, maybe it's an email to 320 00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:27,900 like one of my kids teachers and I'm like okay this is just my 321 00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:33,600 because I'm still like Holly from those dark darker days, 322 00:18:33,900 --> 00:18:37,200 that was how I got by. And so I still have moments 323 00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:41,600 where I go back to that little handbook and I just say, just 324 00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:45,000 get this one thing done. Yeah, for this like three thing 325 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:52,700 now, like, My youngest is. A junior and everybody's talking 326 00:18:52,700 --> 00:18:56,700 college and it's like oh what's he thinking? 327 00:18:56,700 --> 00:19:00,400 I'm like we're just trying to get through the day high school. 328 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:03,800 Yeah we're gonna pass this semester and we're gonna rock 329 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,900 it. I mean I kind of feel like that 330 00:19:05,900 --> 00:19:11,300 and that way it is a blessing because it's just staying in the 331 00:19:11,300 --> 00:19:14,200 moment instead of going so far ahead like everybody does like 332 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:15,700 I'm ready for my kid to get out of high school. 333 00:19:15,700 --> 00:19:19,000 He's gonna go to college, he's gonna work and everything is 334 00:19:19,700 --> 00:19:22,200 everything. Is, I'm in more in the moment 335 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:23,700 you thinking more in the moment only. 336 00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,400 I am because of it, yes, for sure. 337 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:29,900 I specially think in the beginning people give you that 338 00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:32,400 like first five, six months where they're like we're going 339 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:33,700 to leave you alone. Then people call up in there. 340 00:19:33,700 --> 00:19:37,000 Like what are you doing? Like I'm really doing with your 341 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,600 life. What do you do all day? 342 00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:40,900 Oh yeah. What do you do? 343 00:19:40,900 --> 00:19:47,400 All day just got Casimir like yeah you have to live in the 344 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:50,000 moment because otherwise you're like if only I would have done 345 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,700 this I wish I would have said this. 346 00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:54,500 I wish this would have happened. Oh, now he's not going to be 347 00:19:54,500 --> 00:19:57,500 here for that. Now he's going to miss this if 348 00:19:57,500 --> 00:20:00,900 you can just focus on the day. Well and I just want to say, 349 00:20:02,100 --> 00:20:06,500 Every Toby always said we would be on vacation and I'd be like, 350 00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:09,100 what are we going to do next? He's like, can't you just live 351 00:20:09,100 --> 00:20:11,300 in the moment? Not interesting. 352 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:14,300 I love that he was trying to teach you even back then. 353 00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:16,500 Yeah. It also teaches you boundaries 354 00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:19,300 to you like people all want to know what you're going to do 355 00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:22,500 next or if you're going to be working, or if you're a man, I'm 356 00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:24,700 just like you said, just getting through, if you're going to 357 00:20:24,700 --> 00:20:27,000 move, if you're going to stay in Austin, if you what are you 358 00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:29,700 going to do, what are you? I mean, there's so much 359 00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:31,800 expectation that's still there. There. 360 00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:36,300 When you're just saying, hey look, I am now 50% capacity. 361 00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:43,100 Mmm, I'm down a man, literally. Yeah, so, why am I after Toby 362 00:20:43,100 --> 00:20:48,100 died, like I don't know what that am I, I don't know how soon 363 00:20:48,100 --> 00:20:50,000 after. Yeah, but I'm kind of gets 364 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:53,400 messed up. One of my sister's friends asked 365 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:57,900 if I was moving up to where you live homeless. 366 00:20:57,900 --> 00:21:02,200 If I was moving, you know, even though I hadn't lived that quote 367 00:21:02,200 --> 00:21:05,300 unquote home since before College. 368 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:09,700 Yeah, if I was going to move home and thankfully my sister 369 00:21:09,700 --> 00:21:12,000 was like, why would she move here? 370 00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:15,100 She lives in a license and she has lots of friends. 371 00:21:15,700 --> 00:21:22,100 Yeah, now I think that's a good message to give to other widows. 372 00:21:22,100 --> 00:21:24,500 It's like, you don't have to have it all figured out. 373 00:21:24,900 --> 00:21:26,800 You don't have to make any big decisions. 374 00:21:26,800 --> 00:21:30,900 Don't make any big decisions, honestly, I just get through the 375 00:21:30,900 --> 00:21:33,200 day and also learn to be true to yourself. 376 00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:34,800 I mean, little quick funny story. 377 00:21:34,800 --> 00:21:39,500 I was at HEB yesterday, love my HEB, and I'm in the checkout 378 00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:41,500 line. And the bad guy is so cute. 379 00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:43,800 And young and fun. You can find tell me of your 380 00:21:43,800 --> 00:21:46,400 husband. I was just there was something 381 00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:53,100 very, but I think what I liked about him is that he was just 382 00:21:53,100 --> 00:21:55,600 friendly and he was trying to engage a conversation with me. 383 00:21:55,600 --> 00:21:57,300 And I felt kind of sorry for him. 384 00:21:57,300 --> 00:21:59,700 I don't know if you guys do this but as he's bagging the 385 00:21:59,700 --> 00:22:01,100 groceries, this he said, how are you doing? 386 00:22:01,100 --> 00:22:04,100 I said, I'm just a little tired because it was like 5:00 and I'm 387 00:22:04,108 --> 00:22:07,400 kind of grab the groceries, get home, cook up the meal and you 388 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:10,700 my sons coming home from school late and he said, well, maybe 389 00:22:10,700 --> 00:22:13,000 your husband. Oh, I'll will cook the dinner 390 00:22:13,600 --> 00:22:17,400 and I said, well, he's Six feet under, he's been dead for 11 391 00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:19,600 years. I mean it just flew out of my 392 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:23,600 mouth and I'm like, oh God that poor guy just in that moment. 393 00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:26,500 He was like oh God because I'm so sorry. 394 00:22:26,700 --> 00:22:30,100 I said no I'm actually sorry I didn't mean to put you ill at 395 00:22:30,100 --> 00:22:32,200 ease. I said, it's been a long time. 396 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:34,400 I said, I have to kind of laugh at it now. 397 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,600 Yeah, but the truth is, and this is something that I say all the 398 00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:41,800 time. I don't, I don't I have widows 399 00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:43,300 Tourette's. Okay. 400 00:22:43,400 --> 00:22:47,800 I will just, I need Bill that's five years in to tell people 401 00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:50,200 that I have a dead husband. Yeah, I 473. 402 00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:54,200 Even the bar, even when people are flirting with me, I'll be 403 00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:59,000 like, well, my husband died. I do, or the waiter will come up 404 00:22:59,000 --> 00:23:04,400 and every like, but we're just calling that the W card of it, 405 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:08,300 though at the stretch lab. Does that work Hazard? 406 00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:13,700 Yes, I work for me. My husband was a budgeter so he 407 00:23:13,700 --> 00:23:15,300 wants to believe that knees away. 408 00:23:15,500 --> 00:23:17,500 You because I just throw it down. 409 00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:19,800 I'm like, well, I mean what is the Widow get? 410 00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:22,100 Like, what do you have? A Widow's discount? 411 00:23:22,500 --> 00:23:27,000 But I feel like first never a Widow's discount. 412 00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:30,500 Listen, I've got everyone a couple of times you have got to 413 00:23:30,500 --> 00:23:34,500 teach me that and and to here, I got flowers, one time from a 414 00:23:34,500 --> 00:23:44,300 plumber flower. Oh, yes. 415 00:23:44,900 --> 00:23:48,900 Oh, No, well, my Mantra was stay alive. 416 00:23:49,300 --> 00:23:53,900 Yes. I was very, very injured and I 417 00:23:53,900 --> 00:23:56,200 was just trying to stay alive for a long time. 418 00:23:57,500 --> 00:24:02,300 It was just stay alive, and then it was get through every day and 419 00:24:02,300 --> 00:24:06,900 then it was chill the fuck out for a while there. 420 00:24:07,600 --> 00:24:13,000 I, you know, was over, I know Lacey had pointed this out. 421 00:24:13,000 --> 00:24:17,900 We first met, I was over. Dimmed stimulated for a long 422 00:24:17,900 --> 00:24:21,300 time. Just trying to handle everything 423 00:24:21,300 --> 00:24:27,600 and over and over drive. And I that's when I did the 424 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:31,000 whole like, okay, I'm going to literally put like one thing on 425 00:24:31,000 --> 00:24:34,200 a page for the day. Load of laundry. 426 00:24:34,200 --> 00:24:36,500 I think I remember telling you to go take a nap. 427 00:24:36,900 --> 00:24:39,200 I mean because she was spinning like a top. 428 00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:43,900 She has three kids, I would 100 miles an hour and I would just I 429 00:24:43,900 --> 00:24:47,000 mean you've been in hospital for how long I call it jail because 430 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,600 that's what it is. Yeah she doesn't even remember 431 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:52,500 know how long and you might going like 100 you were doing 432 00:24:52,500 --> 00:24:55,500 more than I was doing and I was taking a nap. 433 00:24:55,500 --> 00:24:59,000 So I thought maybe I've really had to slow it down. 434 00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:02,100 I really had to clip expectations. 435 00:25:02,100 --> 00:25:07,300 I used to be Be like before the car accident, I just had a very 436 00:25:07,300 --> 00:25:11,900 full life, I had high expectations from my family, my 437 00:25:11,900 --> 00:25:19,200 kids myself you know I had a lot of irons in the fire and just 438 00:25:19,200 --> 00:25:25,300 winnowing it down to just the basics was very humbling and 439 00:25:25,800 --> 00:25:27,700 still still trying to get used to it. 440 00:25:27,700 --> 00:25:30,400 I think covid helped a lot of us with a lot of that. 441 00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:34,200 It was kind of a nice moment for me to be - like oh I could just 442 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:36,200 slow down again, I'd I remember this. 443 00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:38,800 This is good. This is this feels good. 444 00:25:38,800 --> 00:25:43,000 This is productive to just kind of cut, cut things out and yeah, 445 00:25:43,000 --> 00:25:45,000 you don't have to be everything to everyone. 446 00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:50,300 You have to put yourself on the list and also none of it 447 00:25:50,300 --> 00:25:53,700 matters. I mean if you're in a depression 448 00:25:53,700 --> 00:25:58,100 and you say that then that can be harmful but if you are living 449 00:25:58,100 --> 00:26:02,900 life present and just day-to-day it's like most of the stuff. 450 00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:05,600 If that we're trying to get done and check off the list, it 451 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:08,200 doesn't even matter and guess what? 452 00:26:08,700 --> 00:26:13,200 All of your plans and then life comes crashing in which is what 453 00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:16,500 we all know, I had all kinds of plan that though, I haven't 454 00:26:16,500 --> 00:26:20,100 stay, it's been over 11 years. So I thought when that happened, 455 00:26:20,100 --> 00:26:23,800 I'd be able to take that with me all the time, but you forget you 456 00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:25,500 do. So sometimes I get caught up in 457 00:26:25,500 --> 00:26:27,600 the minutiae. I thought of all people, you 458 00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:29,900 shouldn't because, you know, it doesn't matter. 459 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,900 But life comes creeping back in, that's why. 460 00:26:33,000 --> 00:26:36,400 Saying I was healthier and the first year or two of hunters, 461 00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:41,100 death versus now, because I was more connected to the trauma in 462 00:26:41,100 --> 00:26:46,000 a way, you know. And and so I was very aware of, 463 00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:48,900 you know what? I don't even care, like, that 464 00:26:48,900 --> 00:26:52,600 doesn't even matter. So, anyway, and I felt like I 465 00:26:52,600 --> 00:26:56,100 had permission, which maybe you did too in the beginning, I had 466 00:26:56,100 --> 00:26:58,200 permission for a long time because I was in and out of 467 00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:02,200 surgeries, and I was just trying to get well, and I was trying to 468 00:27:02,200 --> 00:27:03,200 get my daughter. Daughter. 469 00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:07,800 Well he was also injured and I had a lot of I mean I was able 470 00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:10,300 to just check out and people didn't they weren't looking for 471 00:27:10,300 --> 00:27:13,000 the thank you. Note or the response, right? 472 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:14,900 Don't get him. Thank you, brother. 473 00:27:14,900 --> 00:27:16,900 Thank you. That's all episode. 474 00:27:16,900 --> 00:27:19,800 I got my mom wrote all the thank. 475 00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:21,800 You know, my mother wanted me to do. 476 00:27:21,900 --> 00:27:25,600 Oh no, I just want to say thank you to everybody that's 477 00:27:26,100 --> 00:27:28,100 everything for me. I did not. 478 00:27:33,100 --> 00:27:36,500 Because I was. And by the way, no one fucking 479 00:27:36,500 --> 00:27:39,100 cares about the thank. You know, what they do? 480 00:27:39,100 --> 00:27:41,800 They're not a friend of exactly. Then I you don't deserve a. 481 00:27:41,808 --> 00:27:44,200 Thank you note. After you actually want one, we 482 00:27:44,200 --> 00:27:47,400 had them all printed up but I worked two of them and I said 483 00:27:47,700 --> 00:27:50,200 you do them. Because yeah, that was a that 484 00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:53,100 was a big fight. I think I lost Southern away, 485 00:27:54,100 --> 00:27:56,500 others. It's a southern way. 486 00:27:56,500 --> 00:27:59,000 You're supposed to write. Thank you - gracious and I 487 00:27:59,008 --> 00:28:02,100 thought, my husband just died at the age of 38 suddenly and 488 00:28:02,100 --> 00:28:03,000 unexpectedly. Lee. 489 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:06,100 If this friend of mine expects a thank you note. 490 00:28:06,100 --> 00:28:08,600 They're not a friend of mine for a exactly that. 491 00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:12,800 I that is all hardly agree and I think people need to embrace 492 00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:15,500 that and Society. It's like the last thing you 493 00:28:15,500 --> 00:28:18,000 want to be doing when you are going through. 494 00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:23,000 Trauma is trying to remember who did what when brought them on? 495 00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:25,300 Whoever tells you anything you need to write a. 496 00:28:25,300 --> 00:28:28,700 Thank you, note tell them. No I do. 497 00:28:28,700 --> 00:28:32,100 I do I say do not write me at thinking I found myself thinking 498 00:28:32,100 --> 00:28:34,100 people when they are Opportunity arose. 499 00:28:34,100 --> 00:28:37,600 Like if I saw them if there was a moment where I could just say, 500 00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:41,500 oh my gosh, I remember you were there for Karis or you were 501 00:28:41,500 --> 00:28:45,400 there for me or you helped pennies more than but there 502 00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:49,500 wasn't any, I mean, in my circumstance, it was just all 503 00:28:49,500 --> 00:28:52,300 physical therapy and surgery. So there wasn't any writing 504 00:28:52,300 --> 00:28:54,100 anything. I'm gonna be permission. 505 00:28:54,100 --> 00:28:56,800 None of you has to write me a thank-you note, I'm going to 506 00:28:56,800 --> 00:29:00,100 give permission to everyone, that's listening to things, you 507 00:29:00,100 --> 00:29:02,700 know, with a full heart, nothing else out of this. 508 00:29:02,900 --> 00:29:05,100 Podcast, I don't care if you're a southerner. 509 00:29:05,100 --> 00:29:07,900 All right, from the north. Wow, you might get it. 510 00:29:07,900 --> 00:29:14,100 You just have like, thank, you know, if you're in trauma, if 511 00:29:14,100 --> 00:29:17,600 something horrible happened to you and you're on a little 512 00:29:17,600 --> 00:29:19,400 train, a thank, you know, needed her. 513 00:29:19,600 --> 00:29:22,800 I can thank you, note, if you want to help help, if you don't 514 00:29:22,800 --> 00:29:25,300 find, but don't be helping for the, thank you. 515 00:29:25,400 --> 00:29:28,500 Exactly, exactly. Not, I think that's a perfect 516 00:29:28,500 --> 00:29:32,400 way to end this episode to be helping. 517 00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:35,000 You're going to To know us better over the next few 518 00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:37,000 episodes. We are going to start sharing 519 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:40,100 our individual stories. In the meantime, if you want to 520 00:29:40,108 --> 00:29:43,700 go to Instagram and follow us on at every Widow, thing for 521 00:29:43,700 --> 00:29:46,900 updates and inspiring content, we would love for you to do 522 00:29:46,900 --> 00:29:48,400 that. Drop us a DM. 523 00:29:48,700 --> 00:29:52,400 If you have questions or you have a certain topic that you 524 00:29:52,400 --> 00:29:57,000 would like for us to discuss on the next podcast, we would love 525 00:29:57,000 --> 00:29:59,100 to be there for you. That's the whole purpose here. 526 00:29:59,300 --> 00:30:02,800 We thank you so much and strive and thrive. 527 00:30:02,900 --> 00:30:04,400 Drive. That's right. 528 00:30:04,400 --> 00:30:06,300 Ben Thrive. Thank you. 529 00:30:06,300 --> 00:30:08,300 Thank you. Bye. 530 00:30:08,500 --> 00:30:08,700 Bye.