This is every widow thing. Hey guys, Whitney here from
every widow thing. Hi, it's Kira.
Hey, it's Holly. And we are recording our 50th
episode. We already popped the champagne
so unfortunately you can't hear that.
Oh, Jack is excited. We are recording in my home
studio AKA dining room table. So you may hear some life
activity, but that's just my dog or my kids.
But yeah, we have now passed the two year mark.
So we're into year three of every would have thing I.
Can't believe it's been 2 years. Yeah, it's been great.
It's. Flown by, I know.
I think that our listeners would love to hear what's been going
on in our lives because it has been a hot minute since we
recorded together. We haven't even and addressed
the awesome meet and greet. Oh yeah, we.
Had with our listeners. Thank you to everyone that that
came. It was so much fun and so
rewarding to meet everyone. And yeah.
It, it felt I loved to, to put faces with the names that I see
on social media, you know, and then to just sit down and get to
hear your stories because you have heard our stories.
It was really interesting and inspiring, but it.
Was a great afternoon. It was at the Me Night Cat, and
I agree, it was just so nice to bring everyone together.
And a lot of the people that showed up are earlier on in the
journey, you know, like year 2, year 3.
And it just felt really good for us to kind of be there.
We've been widowed a lot longer and we've kind of been through a
lot of phases of grief and of life since losing our spouses
and just being able to support kind of the newer widows that
showed up. You, I think you told me, Kira,
that it was the first time that you felt like, oh, we really are
making a difference. Like you knew in your head that
we were, but actually getting to talk to people face to face.
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, meeting people in person
just is very different from speaking into a microphone.
Right. So and, you know, having that
sort of immediate feedback, like, hey, you know, your
podcast has really helped me. And how did you tackle this?
And I'm going through this exact thing that you discussed and,
you know, on the podcast. And it's been like a great
inspiration to me and that. Yeah, that felt great.
Yeah, I thought it was fun to watch the listeners interact
with each other too. You know, it wasn't just us
sitting at a table and talking to to just the group.
Everybody was mingling and we had some men there which I
loved. Yeah, we had some widowers in
the house. Perspective, yeah.
And then we had some fellow bar mates who joined in.
And did I e-mail you? Other people on the patio that
enjoyed what we were doing and was taking pictures and trying
to I. Can't remember, did he send you
a picture? He maybe he was flirting with
Whitney. Well.
For sure he was. He was digging our hats because
we were all. Wearing tea.
Hats and for some reason, and by the way, this isn't the first
time I heard this, people read it and what do they think they
the hats say, Holly? I can't remember.
Oh slut, I can't.
Remember. It says EWT.
Thought we were wearing hats that said slut and I was like it
depends on the Bay. You know, and we're like, it's
the opposite of sluts. It's widows.
Widow, right? How?
Does EWT. Translate as slut I'm.
Just right. The it's the font that's a
little far fat. Sure, What's going on?
Mine they. Were drinking too much that's.
Are super cute and we we look super cute at the bar and we had
a really good time and the turn out was great and it just kind
of was inspiring to think of like bigger events and more
events that we could have. Well, and also one listener did
comment that she wished we'd let everyone know sooner and she
actually would have came to Austin.
Yeah. So I think we need to do that.
It's. Hard to schedule like especially
since Hunter died and I've said this before, I don't like to
plan too far in advance now which is weird.
Because you say yes, and then you end up wanting to say no.
Well. That, but also I guess there's
some peace to. Story or something?
Oh, he's just getting old. Maybe so, but I feel like it was
because I had a lot of plans and then they all fell through, you
know, 100 died so. I think that's a trauma response
for sure. You.
Know I was just thinking even about this summer, like plans
that I have and I was catastrophizing a little bit
like, well, what if this and what if that?
And you know, with all the travel, the negative travel news
and things. And then I flipped the script on
myself on the way over here and I was like, what if it all works
out and we all have wonderful because my kids are traveling
and Brendan and I are traveling and it's just like, what if it
all goes great? Our brains are wired to protect,
so you think about what could go wrong.
But yeah, flipping the script and going what if everything
works out? What if it's?
Well, and Speaking of as we speak, I keep checking my phone
because I Zach is driving back from Colorado and that's like
scary they're. Fine, yeah.
Like it's about 16 hours. Well, when I'm driving I keep
checking his speed on the. Oh, hilarious.
Don't do that. That will torture you.
I have one child that's such a lead foot.
I mean, I just can't even look at that.
Well, I, I mean, it scared me because I saw I'm like going
into New Mexico. Well, everyone, everyone,
everyone. Mexico, you can't speed.
You get tickets. I did not know that.
Yes, yes. Everyone knows New Mexico.
I'm like, no, what? The Land of Enchantment.
Now you. Know.
New Mexico now. You know, bad SO.
Shit. That's all I got.
There's meth. Don't speed going through New
Mexico. Don't see any.
Traps. Apparently there's a math and
speed traps. It's speed traps.
I got one time Toby and I were driving to New Mexico.
He got a ticket and I said let me drive and then I got a
ticket. I got a new car, one of the
features is that when I put it on cruise control it doesn't
stay at my. Like if I put it on 80 for
cruise control right? If the speed limit changes, it
goes down to the new speed limit.
So it was kind of nice because then I'm not going to.
You could go to New Mexico. I think I'll drive through New
Mexico. Fly.
Through yeah, and it'll be no problem.
I never use cruise control. I don't know what that is.
It's a control thing. I think you want to be that.
I have. I've.
I never use it. I've tried it once or try it
twice. It freaks me out.
I like to have my foot on the thing like I want.
To be. Doing it right.
We know you want to be doing it. I want to be.
That's what he said. I don't know.
I just think it's freaky. And I have also been in a way MO
and I had no problems with that. And I know this is the way of
the future and this is where we're going with it.
But I do not like cruise control.
It's just like maybe we should not.
Kind of OK, Widow. Stuff.
Well, first of all, I want want to talk about what has been
going on in everyone's lives and you 2 had two monumental.
Graduations. Moments.
Yeah.
Had yeah big milestones 2 of us had since our husbands past our
first born children graduate from college.
Yeah. Which is a big, big deal and
we're super proud of Acelin and Gabe for graduating from
college. So, and it was the same weekend,
it was last weekend for me at University of Texas and for
Holly at TCU. But yeah, lots of mixed
emotions. I mean, for the most part, it
was a very joyous and fun weekend for us.
Just really proud of Acelyn and all the hard work she's put in.
And some family was able to come in.
We had a party at the house and there were two graduations.
One was for her business degree. The smaller it was.
Well, it wasn't that small, but she got to walk across and they
announced her name. And then the larger University
of Texas, which was in the stadium, which was super fun.
And I mean, there were fireworks and Taylor Sheridan spoke.
And which? I have to ask because I love
Taylor Sheridan. For those of you who don't know,
he is the creator of Land Man Yellowstone and all of the
prequels to Yellowstone 1919. Whatever, 1889.
How was he? He was great and I was just
having this conversation last night at with my mahjong group.
One of the other moms had a graduate also and she you know,
it was like short. It was witty.
He didn't actually attend UT he was rejected.
Oh, that's. Funny.
Oh, you actually. I think he did.
That's funny. So he was self deprecating and
super relaxed and it was great. I mean, he talked about how he
was sort of unconventional, not a good student, you know, Like
school wasn't really his thing. Which I love those stories
because you know, no path is the only path.
I would love to hear, like I'd love my boys to hear his speech.
I'm sure it's on the Internet for.
Sure on the interwebs, Kira, I'm going to out you and if you
don't want to talk about it I can edit it out.
But you had texted us and said you had been crying all the day
before. Oh, not the whole day.
I had a meltdown moment. I didn't cry the whole day.
That sounds exhausting. I think it was after the
Business School graduation. We were having a party at the
house, but no one had arrived yet.
I think that's when an Acelin came and we opened up champagne
and I was, I'm getting choked up now.
I was trying to make some kind of mom speech like about how
proud I was and how you know her, she has such a bright
future and how like her. And then I started to think
like, well, what would Frank say?
And, you know, and I wanted to convey to her and you know, for
for those of you who have lost your spouse and have children,
there are many, many moments like this, right, where you're
trying to incorporate their parent, you know, their other
parent, their father with within the moment.
And I just was at a loss. I kind of got like really choked
up. That's.
A lot of pressure to put on yourself.
And the kids were super sweet. My my son came home the night
before she graduated. He came home from UVA with my
parents who live in Virginia. They all flew in that night
before. So anyway, they were just all,
everyone was there and I just kind of couldn't get the words
out. And I think that spoke volumes
to Aslan anyway, you know that even though we've come really
far and Brendan, of course, was involved in all the festivities
and he was there. I have a new partner.
That doesn't mean that I don't miss their father.
Right. Especially in these moments
where he would just be over the moon at her, you know?
Yeah. Both of his parents were
educators and. Did they get to come down his
parents? No, you know, his mom can't
travel. She has Ms. Oh, that's right.
But we, they watched it live. They watched it live from New
Jersey, the ceremony. And I sent the video of Aslam
walking to all them. And then we zoomed with them the
following day on Mother's Day. So that side of the family was
all included, but they were unable to travel for the
festivities. But, yeah.
And it was wonderful. What about you, Holly?
How was Gabe? It was great.
It was, you know, I was very good about setting my
boundaries. I wanted, you know, just
basically to take care of myself and Zach and make sure Gabe had
it, you know, how he wanted. And so my cousin, I'm so
grateful for brought my mom and my sister and brother-in-law
were there and Gabe's girlfriend and her dad were there and.
Sweet. It wasn't.
So the night I got there Friday night and Gabe and Zach and I
had dinner. I wanted to get him something
special for graduation that he would remember.
And Toby collected watches. So I was like, I'm going to get
him a really nice watch. But I was looking at watches and
I was like, Oh my God. I just, I kept going back to
this one and he absolutely loved it.
I kind of wrote in the card, you know, my little note, and then I
wrote something about Toby and how he collected watches and all
that. So that was special.
And then so the day of the graduation was great.
It the ceremony was beautiful. It was.
You know, you guys just had the one ceremony and then did he get
to walk the stage? Yeah, Yeah, because it's a
smaller school. It's smaller and they had three
under undergrad graduations that day.
So it was just split, split it up maybe like just under 1000
students. Yeah, it was really cool.
And they had like the purple and white like streamer things go
off at the end and no one had their cameras ready.
And I was like, I was like, no, to anyone graduating next year,
have your camera ready after they seeing the they.
Should have told you that. I don't know it was.
Crazy like the McCombs ceremony was quite long, but they were
allowed to sit with their friends and so it wasn't
alphabetical. That's nice and.
So you're waiting for your kid to walk, but you don't know.
And they were. Reading the names really
quickly. And so I'm texting her from our
seats, like, who's going before you?
And she's like, oh, my friend Camille is going before me.
And she has a super long last name.
It was like Camille something slash something slash something
slash something. So as soon as that girl walked,
I hit record and I somehow caught a.
Oh wow. That you're holding.
Really hard. 20 minutes, right as you think.
Yeah, maybe that brunette with long hair is mine down there.
Like well. That's why with that many people
not. Put things on their caps so that
I. Did not and I would recommend
that my. Boys do that.
I. Was.
Playing, but that would have never happened with Gabe.
But Gabe didn't even want to walk.
Like he's like, do I have to? And I'm like, OK, backing up.
Gabe was a 2020 High School graduate, so it.
Was no. Big deal to me.
I'm like, Oh no, you're walking across the stage.
But he was like really funny about it.
Well, was there any grief for you, Holly?
I know we talked about it. You know, it was like, no, I and
I posted on the insider's page like it.
It was such a happy day. I never got sad.
I was just so happy for Gabe. And but of your graduates looked
so cute and excited, I'm excited for the next chapter for them,
Yeah. Yeah, I would say the big
difference between high school and colleges like high schools.
And my kids went to a smaller private school here in Austin.
So high school felt more like a family affair with the school,
right? Yeah.
I knew the teachers. I knew the administrators, I
knew the coaches, I knew the other families.
Like it was really like a family celebration.
This was really more about Aslan and her friends and her
experience. And so it really was just sort
of a different vibe because it really was her, her experience
there, you know, and I wasn't really a part of.
Right, you didn't know of. It I didn't, I never met a
professor or knew right. Very much.
I'm going to meet all my children's professors.
Please don't do that. Probably, well, Whitney and it
was really sweet because so we went, did lunch after and then
more of my family came, like my nephews came and Tua, Gabe's
best friends that he's known since kindergarten, came.
It was really sweet. It was just neat to see him like
come that far together. And Aislyn had a great four
years. I mean, she loved her time
there. And she also started a little
bit in COVID, wasn't necessarily wanting to go to school in her
backyard where she grew up and ended up just having an amazing
time. Well.
My my kid is going to be a junior.
He just finished his sophomore year at OU and one of my kids
and he came home and he was like, I'm sad.
I was sad to leave my fraternity because he lived at the
fraternity house. I'm like, I'm sure you are sad
to leave that. Now he's treating my house like
a fraternity house, which is an issue, but he he is very aware
that time is moving. He said that to me when I walked
in tonight. I was like, hey, Congrats on
finishing another year. And he's like, yeah, it goes by
fast. He was hanging on to, oh, I'm
sad that what just happened is over, you know, and that made me
a little bit sad for him. But that's such a good, a good
thing. I mean, I kind of have the
opposite with Zach. Like he this morning I called
him before he left and I'm like, are you OK?
And he's like, I've been crying for two hours and I'm sorry if I
wasted a lot of your money this year.
And he had a a a challenging freshman year being in another
state. He is going back next fall.
But it wasn't your dreamy. Yeah.
Freshman year and. It and it and it isn't always
and every kid is different. And yeah, I mean, I think that's
a good thing to talk about just for a moment, because I know
plenty of kids, the college experience is built up on this
like pedestal and it maybe isn't the best years of their life or
there's a rocky start or there's a transition, just like anything
else in life, you know? And that's that's.
All that is my advice too, because we've been, he has this
coach that he works with that's she's like, I talk about
expectations because your parents are like, oh, college
was the best time in my life. And a lot of these kids,
including mine, went in to an out of State College where he
knew no one and it was hard. And he's like, you know,
thinking this is going to be the best time in my life.
In my life, yeah. He didn't know.
Don't get me wrong, he had a lot of fun like he loves Colorado,
but the school part and. And making friends, it's hard,
hard. It's not it's not the same as it
was. And I hate to be like an old
person going back in my day, but the truth is we.
Didn't have no apple. But we had Xerox machines and
there is no Mozong and Kira. Still has her Xerox.
Kira's still living in the good old days still.
Xerox and. Kids Xerox and rubbers, you
know, it's harder for our kids, I think than it was for us to
meet people. You know, I love that you
brought it up, Holly, because, and this is a good life lesson
for all of us. I think the expectations can
torture you. Anybody's life.
I know I have it. Like especially with vacations
and travel, I always think it's going to be the best trip ever.
And then I get. You just have.
To go with me, yeah. Or I just have to go with Holly.
And actually I have to go without children.
And then it's a great. Vacation always amazing with.
Children, yeah, but you want to create.
You want to create these moments, especially because your
family has been disrupted. You're trying to be perfect.
Yeah, these family moments to be perfect and even graduation,
you, you build it up and you want it to be perfect for them.
And you want to say the perfect thing.
Like Kira was struggling with, you know, what would Frank say
in this moment? And you know, that puts a lot of
pressure on us. Oh yeah, I mean, I I wouldn't
even try to go there. There's no way I could.
Definitely did this year though, which really helped is I just
kept it really low key, really low key.
I mean, I didn't fuss about any of it.
I didn't fuss about, I mean, if you're, if you're having
graduation in your hometown, it's easy.
I didn't fuss about reservations or having the gift in that
moment. I'm like, you know, here's your
four years of college and study abroad, like having graduation.
Right, here you go. And other things that you've
received. I I somehow found a way around
my usual overthinking and over obsessing.
It makes everything so much better and.
It was so I just really didn't care.
Like for the party we had, it was like, you know.
It was great, though it was also the.
Filler and pizza order and super low key and a lot of people were
out of town. You know, some people came, some
people didn't come. There wasn't any hand wringing
over like who was there, who wasn't there?
Who like left early and went to another grad party.
You know, I just, I just didn't get a buck right.
And as long as Acelyn was happy and that was what was so great
about it. All I had to focus on was, you
know, she was really caught up in coordinating with her friends
and walking over together and getting in the fountain at 3:00
AM or whatever they do. And UT fountain, it's a
tradition. They all jump in.
That's funny. Anyway, so all the things just
fell by the wayside because for whatever reason I just wasn't
that caught up in it. Yeah.
What do you think? What kept you from I?
Think it's age. Being so you're tired.
You're just tired. It's.
Just my 50s and maybe just the time, I'm sure the time since
Frank died being longer than, you know, some of our listeners
and some of our widows that are early.
It's not as easy to compartmentalize whether it's so
new and fresh. I, I think I've just gone
through a lot of these occasions now.
I've get just like anything, you kind of get practiced at it and
it just doesn't become that big of a deal.
And it's also like, well, what can go wrong?
Yeah, I will say this. I did check in when I was her at
one point like you are like you are graduating.
Right, like you, I said the same thing I.
Haven't even looked at your grades and you're, you've
completed all your coursework and you're walking the stage and
you're getting a diploma. I mean, you have to have these
conversations. Like on the flag.
She was super busy with two jobs and finishing the semester and
she was like, yes, mom. And then I would get these
emails from the school, like, did you buy graduation tickets?
And did you, you know, submit for submit for graduation?
I guess you have to kind of make sure you've like applied for
graduate. I don't know.
So I did have a funny conversation with her around
that where I was just like, this is all lined up right?
And she's like, yes. Mom, did she get her own?
And did Gabe get their own like like their cap and gown and
stuff? Like, yeah, she did everything
she had to get the. Well, and the, well words and I
kept, I kept asking like, did you get your cap and gown?
And he's like, I have not gotten the e-mail yet.
It's not time yet. And then of course, they send
the e-mail to the parents. He was, I think on spring break.
So I was like, I'm just gonna well, he got it too.
I was like, I'll just order it. Hey, what up?
But same kind of conversations, like literally the week before,
I was like, so do you know what time you have to be at the
ceremony? Like, and he's like, I don't
know, I haven't heard anything. I'm meeting with my advisor this
week. And I was like, it's like in
five days, like that's funny it all.
Worked again, this is for someone whose daughter graduated
in our town down the street. I think if you're, I've talked
to a lot of parents who are navigating the out of town like
you had to do Holly and it's a lot trickier because I mean, I
have some dear friends going to Brown next weekend and they had
to get a house. They have a big family.
The house cost a fortune. Then you're trying to feed all
these people and. See, well, that's when I, I
mean, that's why I stepped out. I was like, I'm going on Friday.
I'm getting a hotel room for Zach and I.
Everyone else. Here's the map of the parking
and where you know, like where the event is and I'm out.
I mean, I because I didn't want to take that on and I think.
It's one thing that you do learn as a widow as the years go by.
You cannot, you have to delegate and you cannot control all the
other adults. And if you just can't as a
single parent or, you know, no partner helping you coordinate,
you have to kind of focus on the most important thing, which is
you and your child who's graduating and probably your
parent, your aging parents, and the rest is just everyone else
can figure it out, you know? I love when we like think of it
in widow terms and what you've learned.
And so one of the things that I was thinking to ask you both is
thinking back to sadly, when these kids lost their dads at
very young ages. How old was Aslan 11 and Gabe?
Gabe was 14. And being so fearful, right, of
what's going to happen to them, how are they going to survive
this? And now fast forwarding to their
graduating, I'm getting teary graduating from college, you
know, like, what would you whisper to yourself back then?
I mean, I guess it's not going to be easy getting there, but
you will get there and it might not look exactly as you thought
it was going to, but they're going to be fine on whatever
path. Well, and I also feel like
everything that you think about, like you think they're feeling
some way, they're not necessarily feeling the way you
think they're feeling. Yes.
Does that make sense? Yeah, you're projecting on them.
Like, I'm like, how are they going to survive without a dad?
And I mean well, like on the episode when they were on it.
Eastland even said it hasn't been as big a part of my life as
I think other people think foisted it on me as this huge
part of my story. It kind of makes me sad.
I think this is the balance of like, and, and yes, I, all of
our kids have said like, I don't know what my life would have
been like had my dad lived, but I like my life, right?
And in a way. And I think especially for the
widows whose husbands died when their children were very young,
so they don't have the memories or the influence, it can be sad
for the widow to think, oh, their dad is not, you know, as
big of a presence as I would have liked for him to be like.
But what would we want? I mean, we certainly don't want
them crying and, you know, and devastated their entire lives
because they lost their dad. Do you know what I'm saying?
Did I? Finish the balance of like
holding his memory but also doing what he would want, which
is getting on and having a successful life right even
though he's not here. OK.
Can we talk about? No, let's talk about.
Talk about the tattoo. Oh yes, and did you mention the
shoes? Because I had to step away for a
second. Did you?
Oh, I didn't mention the shoes. So talk about what Gabe did,
Yeah. Well, I went up a few weeks
before graduation and my nephew and his his fiance took photos
of senior photos of Gabe and of course I went shopping and
bought him a bunch of clothes, including shoes.
He didn't he. Didn't wear any he.
Didn't wear any of it. He's like, I know what I want to
wear. I already have you bought.
I'm wearing my suit pants and my button down and and my shoes
that I always wear to formals. Well, they're Toby's shoes and
they're, they were like brand new when Gabe got him like 4
years ago and when when he got his suit and I was like, oh, I
have dad's shoes now. They look very well, right?
Yeah. But I love that he.
Walked. The stage in Toby's shoes, yes.
So he was like, I'm wearing these shoes.
I don't need new. I don't need new shoes.
I mean, he's so much like his dad.
Yes, he wore his dad's shoes when he walked across the stage
because those are his only dress shoes.
He does not want any new well. I wonder if you can, I don't
know the right word, refurbish or like when they start to get
really rundown, can you like? I'm sure back again.
Oh yes, the right cobbler. Cobler.
Oh shit. That is such a East Coast thing.
It's such a New York my. Cobbler.
Boots I wore New York that at my prize boots and every time
they're. Really.
Cobbler. They came back brand new.
They would like. Oh.
Wow. And then I moved to Austin and
took him to like the shoe Hospital and they were like, Oh
no, these are going in the dumpster.
And I was like, no, why can't you say it?
Finish your, your, your story about how Gabe was involved in
the touch, bringing his dad in. Yeah.
OK, so the. Tattoo.
The tattoo. The.
Plane. The plane?
No, just no. I'm.
Sorry. All right, so a few weekends ago
and Gabe and I went up to Colorado to see Zach and I met
him in the airport in DFW and he's like, I have something to
show you. And I was like, OK.
And he's like I got a tattoo. And I was like, oh, I didn't say
that. I didn't say that.
Let me back up. I'm thinking to myself, oh shit,
like what'd you get and where is it then?
You know, like you now, we would never do that in a million.
Years born from. It is.
So he's like, well, I want to tell you the story before I show
you. So two of his good friends that
he met on their TCU students in his same school of study that
they. Yeah, you.
Can say that you know it's allowed.
Well, I don't know if they're his.
OK, cut that part out. Backing up.
Why aren't you? Bleeding.
Saying filmmaking. Well, I don't know that they're
necessarily film. They, I don't know if they're
whatever. So Gabe says he wants to tell me
the story. So he has these two good friends
that he met that are in the film school at TCU with him, but they
met in Ireland on their study abroad and they became good
friends there. They both lost a parent as well.
Oh wow. And one of the guys, dad was a
pilot and and then his friend Lily.
Did he die in a plane crash? I don't know how he died.
So interesting because I was thinking it and I was going to
make a joke and then I just kept quiet, but I was thinking the
same thing. Like, I don't know.
I have. I can't remember if Gabe told
me. I'm sure he didn't.
I'm sure it was like. How he died, I don't remember
how he died. I don't know if Gabe told me,
but I do know that Lily's mom died of cancer like a year ago.
And so he's like, we've been talking about this for a long
time and we all went and got tattoos together.
That's awesome to. Honor their fathers.
Yes. And so Gabe got Toby was a
graphic designer and gave God his logo.
I'll show you. We need to post it on.
Yeah. Did you never post it?
I felt like, yeah, it's so great.
No, I hadn't, because I hadn't. Even told Kira.
And then what were the other? What did the other two kids get
for their dads? The pilot wings and the Lily's
mom's her heart rate, her heart, heart, heartbeat, heartbeat
that. That kills me.
That is such a cool logo. Isn't that great?
We'll post it on our social so that you guys can see.
But yeah, it was really sweet. And of course, you know, I got
teary eyed. Oh my God.
Cried, I would assume in that moment.
I asked did you immediately run out and get the same tattoo Like
I don't want to get it would be like when?
No, because she has hers. Yeah, I love your tattoo.
He had such pretty handwriting. Hunter is like I.
Like. It no look at the E it's like
off. To the.
Side you see that it's like sweetie EI wish I would have
chosen a different one but Oh well it's.
Forever can I tell a funny tattoo story which we can cut
out later? But my dear friend Michael, who
is like just one of my favorite people in the world, he, he
would come and visit me quite a bit in the hospital.
He's one of those people that would work a long day and then
would come and make time to come see me.
I was in the hospital for almost 3 months for those of you that
are listening. And then I was in a rehab thing
and then I couldn't walk even when I got home.
But anyway, so having visitors was pretty exciting and he made
the time to visit me and he even did my hair in the hospital,
which I think I've told this story.
I don't. Remember about how my hair so
I'd super super long hair at the time of the accident and then I
didn't need a. Photo.
Accident Need a photo? I guess it was covered in like
iodine and maybe some blood and maybe some did.
You have surgeries on your head, on your like skull, face, your
face, but in your in your hair. Skull but I just know from
others that when they saw me in the ICU and things and it made
me take a gruesome turn but. We do it all here on every the
tattoos, every widow's. Tattoo story.
Anyway, Michael did my ultimately did my hair.
He ended up cutting it all off and washing it.
In the hospital. In the hospital and I had to
like, you know, they had to wash it.
I couldn't move. I was not able to walk and
things. So they had to kind of wheel me
over to like this utility closet.
Oh. My just.
To have your hair washed like this sweet friend.
Who? Yes, that's very intimate too,
for someone to wash her hair. And only Michael, I think I
would have been comfortable with it.
I mean, initially one of my best friends, Aceland's godmother
actually from DC, showed up and was, I was like, it needs to be
braided because it was just like such a hot mess.
I guess when I was in the ICU, she talked to the nurses and was
like, we need some braids or something.
This needs to be like handled. And then later on, after
multiple other surgeries and once I was on the more
intermediate floor, Michael came, washed it and did this
really cute Bob. Is he a hairdresser or does he
OK? I was about to say I would
trust. Many.
Men So Long story short, yeah, Michael, I saw him today.
He and his husband recently, they've been together like 30
years. They recently went and got
matching tattoos and his husband is Latin.
So like his tattoo came out like beautifully.
It's like on the inner. And then Michael is fair like me
and his was like a little blurry.
And we were just joking about it today in the salon because he's
like, yeah, so mine didn't turn out great.
And the tattooist, I was like, did the tattoo guy like, because
it's the exact same tattoo, right?
Did he have like a few drinks between like, Sergio and you?
And he's like, it's just my skin, babe.
That's so funny. Man.
Old and it's like, you know, not as it's soft, I guess is what
the guys. Yeah, it's soft skin.
And I was like, that's good for cuddling.
But I was like me too, I have soft skin.
Do you have a tattoo? I don't have any because I have
soft skin. I.
Think we need to fix that. I do too.
My skin just doesn't like, I mean, I ever do.
Oh, come. On I have the same skin as you.
It's not good tattoo skin. It's all I'm saying.
Well, it didn't got to be my son who's fair.
And a ginger. Never, never can the ginger get
a tattoo. I ever dude, I'm ginger, I've
got my it's fair. No, I'm fair.
You just don't want him to get a.
He just can't. His face is too sweet for a
tattoo. And just isn't there are.
You saying my kids face is not too sweet?
That's too late for him. He's already got.
One but I love. I love the story, like me.
But what surprised me about it is thinking back to a few years
before he was living like his freshman and sophomore year,
he's living with friends that he never told that his dad died,
right? And he's like, why would I tell
him? And now he has these friends.
Whose dads died? Yeah, and a mom.
Yeah. Yeah, so it's like, I think
it's. I want to know how it came up.
I need to ask him. Frat formal and he's now a
sophomore too. He was like, it's couple, couple
guys came up. I mean, they were drinking,
obviously, and they were older and they were like, or some of
them maybe were his ear just, you know, they find the mom and
they give the drunken speech about how amazing your son is.
Yeah. And your son is, he's a fast
dude. And when were I was having a
hard time and he found me. I'm just sweet, sweet that they
came up and told me a few of them.
And I just said something like, well, I think, you know, because
he lost his dad, he has a lot of empathy.
And they're like, what? Is a record scratch.
His dad, I mean, they're and they're looking at Brendan and
I'm like. That's that's not the dad.
Yeah, it's crazy. It's crazy.
They don't say anything. They don't say anything.
Reveal. It very often, especially the
boys. Yeah, I mean, and I think I
asked Gabe about it then. This is a lot a while back.
And he's like, what am I gonna just gonna walk around and say
my dad died? And I'm like, yes, exactly.
That's. What?
Food's here. And on that note, hold.
On OK, I'm going to switch gears here.
OK, you can do that. I'm going to do a gear switch.
We are now moving into year three of every widow thing and
this is episode 50, which I think is a big deal.
It's a huge deal. 50 episodes. It's a big deal.
I would love to hear because obviously I came from the
background of radio and entertainment.
But when I first pitched this and, and by the way, everyone
was gung ho. Like everybody said, yes, let's
do it. But you didn't really know what
you were getting into. And so I would love to talk a
little bit about where you were year 1 on the podcast versus
where you are stepping into year three.
What do you think about this journey?
I mean, going back and revisiting, especially for like
you, Kira, you were a little farther along than Holly and I
and having to go back and revisit early times, talk about
things that maybe you hadn't talked about before.
And Holly, you aren't. You don't have Widows
Tourette's. So it's not like you were
sharing a lot with other people either.
So having to bare your souls. Well, obviously, you know, it
was really hard for me to talk on a mic on a microphone.
Well, I think that it was harder like seeing when back when we
did the video that was intimidating and I and listening
to the early episodes. Like.
Real. Like dress cute and yeah, do.
Their hair. But what you've realized now is
you're. Scrambling around as a widow and
you're like, I had to drop off kids and then I had to walk the
dog and I had to work out and then I have to go shower and
look cute for my podcast. Right.
And talk about death. And that was a lot.
I'm like, oh, I got to wear makeup today.
Yeah. Going back to thinking about the
beginning, it was draining and healing and like going back and
like telling our stories. I think that's a perfect way of
saying it. Because I'd never really sat
down and told, I mean, the whole story.
And I always had this weird like, or in the early days, I
was like, I want to go on the news and tell the story so
everybody knows he was killed by a drunk driver, you know, And
because, I mean, that wasn't like, out there in the beginning
because we had to wait for the toxology report.
That took three months. I mean it was literally like his
family was telling lies online that he had a flat tire or
something. Oh wow, we had.
To wait for the toxology. And it was awful, Yeah.
But so, yeah, I mean to answer your question and yeah, OK.
Yeah, it's hard and I and it is it is draining even for me, for
somebody who loves to talk about it, having to talk about it
consistently and come up with, you know, for me especially like
I want to end on a positive note.
I want to have a spin that makes people feel hopeful, even when
there were moments, many moments where I, I don't know y'all
don't believe it, but where I didn't always feel hopeful And
even not to depress people, but even seven years in, just there
have been days recently where I'm on my couch like getting
teary of like, you know, this is my life now and this is not and
and by the way, my life is great and I'm very blessed, but it is
not the life that I thought I was signing up for.
And there are moments where I miss the person that I thought I
was going to spend my entire life with.
That does not take away from the people that are in my life now,
but it is different. And especially when you have
children, you want that person that is half of your your
children. And I think to that point, I
miss that so much. Like, I miss having the other
person that remembers. Remember that time we took that
trip to Florida with the kids and like, Thomas did this or,
you know, it's just having that other historian almost to your
story, remembering when the kids were little, remembering like
just like the births and things like that.
You know, I mean, Frank is the only other person that was there
with me. So yeah, it's still, it's a loss
that reverberates through the lifetime for sure.
When you know that moment that you choose to marry or even just
have a child with someone, you know, everything from then
forward you want them to be a part of.
And when that's taken away, it's really, really hard.
So I, I really felt like for me, I had revisited the trauma some
in therapy, obviously, and my trauma was just obviously
compounded. I mean, I was injured and my
daughter was injured. We nearly died.
There was years of, you know, surgeries and physical therapy.
I grieved other things too. I grieved, you know, what had
happened to my body. I grieved what had happened to
Karis, you know, the future. I still grieve that what was
taken from her in terms of her injuries and her disabilities,
there was so much grief that it's just too much to process
all at once. And I was really trying hard to
move on. So then when we did the podcast,
it was like, let's tell a bunch of people, and I'm really not.
Let's tell everyone. I'm really.
Pretty private. I actually like got off like
after the accident happened and the whole town knew that like we
were just taken out on the freeway by a drunk driver.
I just like went off Facebook and didn't.
I just like hit away and, you know, my close friends who were
with me in the hospital when I was on a lot of Dilaudid, I had
a lot of fantasies about moving away to places where nobody knew
me and nobody knew what had happened to our family.
So I had a lot of escapism there.
But so doing the podcast was uncomfortable in terms of
revisiting a lot of that pain and a lot of that trauma.
But at the end of the day, like I said, like we got all the way
to that meet and greet and I met some people that were like,
you've really helped me. And that kind of turned it
around. I, it just felt very real at
that point, Like maybe maybe we are helping some people.
Maybe there's, we're feeling in need.
I mean, I remember the whole reason I wanted to get involved
and start. This was like when I when it
happened to me, I couldn't find. There was no one I could turn
to. You just wanted to hear
someone's story and hear that they're OK.
I was so young and I had such young kids and the widow groups
I looked at were aging people and cancer survivors and there's
no cancer loss and Hospice and like nothing.
That's very much a part of, you know, being a widow.
Lots of cancer widows out there, but that wasn't my story.
Mine was like this violent car wreck.
So and my my daughter was involved and I was involved.
So like there was just nothing out there for me and so.
It's all. Hard.
It's all equally hard. It's all.
Hard but back to like the podcast journey.
It was sort of like, well, how can we fill a need?
How can we serve? How can we fill, fill a void
that wasn't there for for us, right?
And then we found it in the four of us here in town and thought
we should share it. I mean, I mean, we found this
little group by the worst circumstances ever, but we at
least had each other. And then we thought, we'll we'll
just see if we can start talking about it and reach, reach
others. I wanted to be around people
that I wanted to smile, you know, I mean, I didn't.
I was like, I don't want to go to one of the great fruits,
whether you're sitting in a circle and people are crying.
Not not to be insensitive. I mean, that sounds really
selfish, but I wanted to smile, Yeah.
And what can we share with our our listeners?
That was really the thing. It was like, let's just share
like some of the lightheartedness, like some of
just the goofy funny, the laughing and the trauma and the
humor that pulled us through. And then all the shit that goes
on with this like horrible, horrible thing that's happened.
Humor just gets us through so much.
And it's not because it doesn't matter or it's not sad.
It's just we're human and we need a balance.
We can't just like be down all the time.
We have to help lift each other up.
It's OK to laugh. It's OK to have a girls weekend.
It's OK to have a crush on someone new.
It's OK to, you know, start a new job.
It's OK to live your life. It's OK to move, it's OK to get
keep his stuff, it's OK to. Clean up the closet.
Go of his stuff. Sell the suits.
Yeah, sell the. Suits.
The suits. The one suit.
Sell some stuff that's like moldy I gotta back a bunch of
Brink stuff that had been in a dear friend's storage closet.
A lot of it was like damaged and and it some of it was
salvageable, but it was OK. It was like, all right, this is
going to be easy. This is like Moldy and Zane.
And life is telling you it's time to let go of that because
it's covered in mold. And, you know, we were talking
about shoes earlier and I was just telling them that like my
son, my only son has an enormous foot.
He's like a 13. And my husband was like only
like an 11. So the the Prada loafers that
Thomas is trying to cram his giant foot into, those can be
donated. That's.
Not going to work out. And at the end of the day, it's
just things. Yeah, it's just things that's
the hard. Part really the same as the
stories and the memories. You know, even if you're dating
or remarried or have a new partner, it's like you still.
We still talk about Frank. Brendan talks about Frank.
I mean, Brendan will be like, thank you, Frank, for letting me
enjoy your kids and be here for, you know, your late, your wife
and your late wife, your life. Wait, what?
OK, we're editing that up. OK.
Do I have to 'cause I will? No, I think we leave that in
there. It's funny.
This is, this is gonna go down as a Xerox moment, but no, like,
he's a good sport about it. And he, he actually gets it.
Like this is Frank's life that he gets to step into.
Yeah. We have.
We have talked for a long time. That's another episode.
We're going to take the. Summer like we always do, we
take the summer to be with our kids and.
And each other and go to Bruno Mars and.
Bruno Mars. Possibly Vegas, but we are
looking forward to a a new chapter in this widowhood.
And message us like if you have you want.
Yeah, tell us what you want. Join our Insiders group.
It's a Facebook group called Every Widow Thing Insiders.
We would love to that. That's really where we can talk
to you more directly, but feel free to DM us on Instagram or
even e-mail us at Every Widow Thing at Gmail.
Let us know what topics you would like covered, so if
there's something that you're like needing to hear more about,
or you have a query about something in your life that we
might be able to help with, we would love to.
An English major over here. I would love to address it.
Query. Sorry I had to make fun of you
right then, but I love your. Way What was the shoe guy?
The shoe. Cobbler, Cobbler.
Yeah, get a cobbler. Yeah, listen.
Fine if you. Take nothing away from this
episode. Get yourself a fucking cobbler.
Get. Yourself a good cobbler.
I mean, they're hard to come back.
Or eat a cobbler. Yeah, big cobbler.
Peach cobbler, gluten free for me.
They're delicious. On that note, we love you.
Thank you for staying with us. We don't know what the next
season is going to look like. Yeah, thank you for listening to
us for 50 episodes. That's a lot.
Well, they maybe haven't listened to all of them, but
what if you? Listen to all of them, then go
back and listen to all of them. They're so good.
Follow us so good like us do all the things Subscribe.
All those things, all of them, and get your cobbler.
And. Cobbler.
Good day. Good.
Day.