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This is every widow thing. Hello everyone.
This is Keira and we're back with another episode of Every
Widow Thing. I'm here with Whitney, Lacey and
Holly, and today on this episode we're going to be talking about
just crazy and inappropriate encounters or things that people
said to us in the wake of our tragedies and losing our
husband. So does anybody have.
Well, I first want to just say the reason that we we were
always going to talk about this. But yesterday Kyra said
something that was so true but also cracked me up about this
topic. And she was like, you know,
people, people are just gross. People are gross.
And I just love that I'm like the.
Name of this People are gross. People are gross.
It should be. Even people that are trying to
do something kind of like when I first wrote on Facebook, which
it sound, it felt so weird to do it, but that is one of the ways
you communicate with people. And I was very I had a I had a
big presence on social media at that time.
I was constantly on there, you know, and like putting posting
things and it's way calm down since Hunter died.
But so I felt the need to post something on Facebook about
Hunter dying because it was going to come out of the blue.
So you do your post and everyone's shocked And several
people wrote RIP and that means rest in peace.
And it sounds so nice, but. It.
RIP, RIP. And I was like, I got so upset
about that and they weren't. They thought they were doing
something nice. But I'm like, RIP is something
that you put on a Halloween tombstone or something?
Or RIP is for somebody. Kill a fly.
And the kids are like, rip fly. Yeah, it it just didn't feel
like an emotional or a thoughtful thing.
It felt flippant. You didn't even write it out.
You didn't even write Rest in peace.
You wrote RIP and I wanted to rip your fucking head off.
Well, Speaking of Facebook. You a new one.
Tagging on in the Facebook thing, something that happened
to me as my Toby's brothers, now exwife decided it would be a
great idea to post about the accident the day after it
happened, day after it happened, and oh.
My God. Tag Toby.
And my. Love to be the drama Spiller
they love me to be. The Who does that?
The one that. Gets Intel.
Drama. Horrible about it is one of my
best friends was traveling and he found out Toby died from
Facebook. Oh.
Man, I was so pissed off. It was so inappropriate.
Yeah, That was beyond. That's pretty gross.
That's gross. That's.
That's gross. I was out early on, probably the
first outing. It was a baseball game for my
son, and I was still in, in and out of, you know, physical
therapy and stuff. But I was out with my parents
watching the game and a mom. Sidled up and said, you know, Oh
my gosh, I haven't seen you. I'm so happy to see you and
you're and you know Thomas and you know our boys were on the
playing baseball and she said, man, you look really good.
I mean, I heard you burned up in that car.
That did not happen. Oh, I hope she immediately.
Was mortified, but did she recognize that was gross?
Did she recognize how gross that was?
I think she was trying something that I heard something.
I've gotten really good at y'all, which maybe you can
relate. Is trying to give people grace
when these moments happen and you think I have said some, I
mean I I. Think she was trying to say,
hey, you look pretty good, all things considered, right?
But it came out like that and that was pretty, You know, it's
like literally my first time out in public.
You know, I I used to be a person and I still am sometimes
a person that would try to smooth it over for the other
person. I would try to sort of alleviate
their discomfort. That still is probably my
default setting, but I'm getting better at not just going into
the like, oh, it's OK, don't worry.
And you know, today if somebody said that to me, I would say,
wow, that's super rude. But I didn't in the time I was
just, I mean, you're stunned. How can you not be stunned,
right? I hate to say this, but I think
a lot of people, they're looky loose.
It's like a bad accident. Like there were people at
Oliver's funeral that I honest to God, I don't know who they
are. They were.
Were in the pumpkin patch. They were in the pumpkin that
literally behind the. Pumpkin with a pumpkin.
Yes, I got their half price pumpkin because they went to the
funeral. And but really seriously there
there's one that sticks out in my mind.
And I'm thinking she doesn't acknowledge my presence.
I see her with people that I know.
She doesn't even acknowledge my presence when she sees me.
And I make thinking you were at my husband's funeral.
Like, what the hell were you there for if you don't even
acknowledge you know me? That's weird.
It's cuz she's a looky loo she wanted to be where all.
Of the showing the community, look at me, I'm here.
I'm doing. I'm doing the right thing.
But I mean, it's so like they want to see your tragedy, see
you in like, which that gonna look like or in a weird way,
it's like an event in the neighborhood.
It's like a, I hate to say a social event, but it's like, oh,
were you at So and So's funeral. Oh, did you see?
Yes, so and So's funeral. It's why I didn't go to the one
yesterday. I know her peripherally.
Because I know how I felt. People that I didn't even know
were there. It was, you know what?
Now I feel like a gross person. Why?
Because there was a a man that I had met through this friend.
Well, he died unexpectedly. And so the mutual friend
connected me with the the newly widowed woman through text and
just said, you know, she's having a really hard time, she's
open to talking to you. And so I reached out a couple of
times and we had a little text exchange, but we never met up.
But she had a memorial for the husband a couple of months later
and she had it. She invited me, but I'd never
met her and that's so I go. I'm having.
Someone connected you together. This is someone that did right,
but I did not. I did not immediately.
Because you know what? Those things everybody is
wanting to talk to you and and get your attention and stuff.
And so I had not gone up to her. In hindsight, I should have the
very first thing gone up to her because what ended up happening
is that I'm standing in line to get a drink because it was an
open bar and they were having like a music.
He was it. He was in a band, so they were
going to have all these bands playing stuff.
So I did not go up to her. She sees this woman that she
doesn't know standing in line to get a free drink at her
husband's memorial. You're so gross.
I am. So gross.
And I was, I was embarrassed. And she was like, hi, I can't
remember what she said. She was very gracious, but she
was like, hi, I'm who are you? Yeah, she's like, I'm so and so.
And I was like, oh, my gosh. And then it kind of hit me that,
oh, I am gross. It's human nature to be curious.
It's human nature to want and you know, know like wow, you
know I heard you caught on fire and you look, OK we all have
those moments, let's say that where we want to see the actor
burned up in that car. But yeah, you've got to have
some restraint. And I, you know, honestly, one
of the Silver Linings for. Me going through all this is
like, I really do try to think before I speak more than I
probably did prior because I have to think like, well, are
these words coming out of my mouth appropriate?
You know, off the cuff, flippant.
Just just be mindful and be careful.
Even if you're thinking it doesn't mean it needs to come
out of your mouth Well, and you have to take into consideration
the the person. I can remember a very good
friend of mine and hunters in California.
She so she texted me and she said Hunter came to me in a
dream and he had just died a week prior.
Hunter came to me in a dream and he wanted me to tell you that
he's okay. And you know me.
I love signs. I love the dreams.
I was furious. I was so mad.
And this was a purse, a friend of mine.
And and I'm a spiritual person and she's a spiritual person.
And I had to collect myself. And then I just sent a little
text like this isn't what I need to hear right now.
I know he's okay. And now I'm wondering why he
didn't come to me. Why is he coming to you?
You know, so even when you're trying to be thoughtful, you're
not going to get it right all the time.
I feel really bad. I mean, I I mean, I didn't
scream at her. Poor Sharon had to hear me
screaming in the car. And that's something that people
would think. I would love to know.
That's why it's so hard. I mean the only thing I had a
funny story when we when we said this was going to be the topic.
Yeah, I went back through some notes and thought this has
nothing to do with anybody I know, but my my best friend was
at my house. She decided to stay with me
after the second funeral in Germany and.
She was standing at the doorway and I was calling this company
called Rhapsody Blues. I was looking at Oliver's.
I stayed in business mode for a long time.
That's how I cope. I have to go in my head.
As y'all know, I kind of go into a like a hole when things are
really not good. Instead of going out, I go in
And so I was doing all the paperwork and just staying
really busy and I was going through his bank account and all
the drafts. I was getting rid of all of
them. One of them was Rhapsody Blues.
So you go in there and you click on the number and I call them up
And I said yes. My husband, Oliver, he died and
I had the death certificates and everything.
I'd like to. I'm about to get rid of his
checking account. And so the draft is no longer
going to go through. I don't want you to wonder why
it's not. So you start sending, trying to
send the bill and also service charges, I'm sure, because it'll
bounce back. And they said so how can we
retain his business? And so I was like, excuse me?
And they were like, how can we retain his business?
And Kathy's standing there watching me.
I'm unaware She's like, standing right there.
I said, well, unless you go pipe that music 6 feet under, he
ain't gonna be listening to Rhapsody Blues.
He may be singing the Blues, but he's not gonna be listening to
that to. Be boy, Gosh, I.
You were singing the Blues. Kathy was like.
I am so worried about you right now.
Like, we just got off the phone. She was like, you were just like
in full on, like raps in the Blues, you know, passing in the
Blues. I wasn't even sad.
I wasn't even mad at them. No, you you were.
That's that's one of those moments where the comedy comes
in. Yeah.
And you're like, even in your grief you recognize Oh my God,
that's hilarious. Dumbest thing ever, right?
You're an idiot. And then?
They go, I said. Can I speak to your manager?
Yeah. I sweat.
Flash forward. A manager gets the phone, I tell
him, I said. I am so frustrated with your
customer service Rep I'm trying to tell him.
And I went through the whole story again.
He did the same thing. He did not.
I was like. Well, cuz maybe are they just
reading from a script? Thank you.
That's exactly what it is. Yeah, they're reading.
They're lightning. Yes, Miss.
They go, then they go. They realize they can't say my
last name, so they go, thank you, Miss Lacey.
We can't. We're trying to like retain your
business. What can we do?
It's 995. And but yeah, after the second
one, I thought. Be like he's dead.
He's dead. He's dead.
Yeah. Dead.
The same thing happened with at T, though.
I ended up getting a free phone out of it because I was that I
got mad about because they were like trying to charge me my
husband's phone. I guess he'd gotten an upgrade
or something, and they were. Charging the account.
It hadn't shown up yet, and I was doing the draft and I was
like, you're kidding me, right? My husband just died.
You're worried about collecting your extra 10 bucks or whatever?
It wasn't much. So they ended up sending me a
free phone because I was just like.
You guys are gross. Yeah, it's gross.
You guys are gross. My husband died and you're
pissed off about getting your $10 that was coming off of a
draft. I said I'll send you 20 just to
shut up. It's amazing to me, I.
Realize service people that you go through that was reading, I'm
sure all of us had those experiences.
And you guys know my Costco story, which was actually kind
of recent. I think it was last Christmas
and I'm in Costco and the guy says at the checkout, I spend a
shit ton of money at Costco and he's like, oh you know, you're
going to get a ton of cash back. Because I've got some kind of
executive Costco membership or something.
And I'm like what fancy. And he's like, yeah, you know,
you get cash back when you spend this kind of money, go over
there to customer service and tell, you know, get your money.
And I'm like, all right, you know, money, way, yay, free
money. I go to customer service and I'm
like, hey, Jerry over there, send me over here.
It says that y'all owe me some money.
So bring it, you know, bring it on.
The woman says, OK, you know, give me your card.
And she looks it up and she's like, well, is there anybody
else on the account? And I'm like, maybe Frank's on
there. And she said yes.
And I said, OK, well, I didn't realize that we were a part of
this program, but apparently I'm supposed to get some cash back.
And she said, well, you know, he's the primary on the account,
OK, it's been 8 years. I said he's been dead for eight
years. And she says, well, I'm gonna
need a death certificate. Did you and I didn't have my
Xerox on me because it had been 8 because years didn't exist.
I was no longer carrying the Xerox of the death certificate
in my wallet. You could Google it and show her
the obit. I just couldn't believe.
And I said, well, this is pretty interesting.
I didn't lose my cool, but I said wow, you know, I just
don't. See how I mean, this is Costco.
This is. So I think I called one of you
guys right over to your house. I was.
You tested the group, I think, and was just like I've cried.
You're not going to believe this, So of course months go by.
I'm forgetting. I'm forgetting.
Finally, oh, and the other piece that she said, I said, well, why
is this policy in place? This seems kind of silly
because, I mean, I'm on there. It's not just him.
And they're taking your money for grocery.
My pictures all the time, she said.
Well, when there's a divorce, I said, OK, so this is about
divorce, people fighting over their paper towel money.
Like, is that what this is? I mean, six months probably go
by and every time, of course, I'm at Costco.
Between then and then I'm like, damn it, I forgot the death
certificate. So I bring it and I mean I'm I'm
all like look and I'm like unfolding it and sliding sliding
it under the the the shield like y'all I brought the desk it and
this poor girl that I get matches to by the way.
Yeah here's a little sprinkling of him.
She's like she just looks at me and she's like what is this?
I said this is required documentation, I was told.
Needed to be hand delivered so that I can get my cash back.
How much did you get? This poor girl.
Her face just blanches. She was mortified.
She gets her manager over, the managers more mortified.
Of course, I didn't remember who I had dealt with before because
it was the holidays. Again, let's just say.
But that wasn't even necessary. So they were mortified, they,
you know, scurry over, they're pulling up the account they're
digging through. I walked out of there with like
almost $900. That was.
Worth it from all the years prior because I guess maybe they
were probably sending the checks and I was just going, oh, this
is for Frank. Well, if you're not going to do
anything with this and just threw it in the trash, Oh my
God. That is awesome.
I know it was pretty awesome, but I.
Had to go through that. Yeah.
So thank you, Costco, for making it right.
Yeah. So you know.
I guess that gives us also a message to and me, me included.
We don't know what people are going through.
So know what? Maybe that customer service Rep
was just following the protocol I was.
Completely nice. And I I left and I I didn't make
a scene. I'm not really a scene maker.
I thought it was really hysterical.
But it's like, you know, with everything that left, you're
dealing with Cat or Don's Depot, are you?
Like who's? Making up.
Or who's making up? The deadness like, Oh my
goodness. We're in Vegas now.
We're in trouble. You guys need to shut it down
anyway. But who's making it up?
Didn't you guys ever feel like why would I make this up?
Yeah, why would I make up the dead husband?
Well, that happened on the phone all the time with.
When you're trying. To close things down, yes.
And they're like, well, you're it's not it's.
Toby's real first name was Brian.
What? It's.
Brian He had a first name that's different than the name.
Brian Tobias. That must have added a layer of
would you dated Tobias. OK, we digress.
Anyway, but then she was like, it's Brian set up on the account
and I'm like, well, he's dead. And they're like, wow, we we can
we. Can only speak to him.
And I'm like, well, good luck with that.
Yeah, but you know, I had to show the death certificate,
right? It's just like a pain in the
butt. It is a big it.
Makes sense if it's banking or something.
The mortgage people are. Things like.
Costco or the phone? But the $10.00 on the phone
bill, it's yeah, but it's. Just like you said.
Don't people Spotify account there?
There are people out there that are lying and saying that they
have a dad husband so that they don't have to pay their cell
phone bills. Get them on the show.
Yeah. Curious.
They're gross. I'm not invited.
I have a story. My poor mother, She's going to
hate that I'm telling the story, but I think it is hilarious.
And mom, I know you're not gross, but the week after Hunter
died, I got pictures back. You know, we had taken pictures
a couple of weeks prior. And so we're looking through
them, my mom and I, and she's in shock too.
And she goes, wow, Hunter looks so good.
And I said, I know. And she said you look like you
could be his mother. And I was like, I literally
turned to her and I go, Oh my gosh, I'm putting that on
Facebook. And she goes, no, you can't, you
can't. And I go, I'm going to, it's
hilarious. And she goes, well, I'm sorry,
Whitney, you're just not photogenic.
You look better in person. And I was just like, Oh my gosh,
you're not stopping. She swears that it didn't have
to. Doubling down Mom.
Yeah, she doubled down. I.
Guess it's better that you look better in person than a photo.
Yeah, I'd better. I'd rather like you'd be
pleasantly surprised, we all. Got in our dating apps?
Oh. My gosh, I had one family member
say something that was wildly inappropriate, but it it speaks
more about them than it does you.
I had to kind of like, remember that.
Like I think a lot of us, like couldn't eat, so I lost an
enormous amount of and look. Terrible.
But one of the family members had, I had to pick them up at
the airport and they were like, you look so skinny.
Oh my God, like that was a good thing.
Yeah. I heard that too.
Well, that's a problem in our culture.
I was like, they go, how do you lose so much weight?
I go, It's called the dead husband diet.
Yeah. You heard of it.
And they were like, oh. Wow.
Sushido this little more extreme deto.
It's a little tricky. Exactly.
It's super easy. First your husband dies
breadwinner, and then you, so there's no bread to eat.
We're going down a rabbit hole. We are sorry, Anything else?
What? Let's end on a positive note.
What are some things that people said or did that actually were
comforting? Hunter's mom shared with me
recently that one of the things that meant the most to her, a
woman that she didn't know very well, contacted her and just
said I'm so sorry and I would love to hear more about him.
So would you like to come have coffee?
And she went over and she got to share who Hunter was.
And she said that meant so much to me because a lot of people
stop saying their names, stop talking, especially people that
you're just meeting. They don't even feel a
connection right about it. So it meant so much to her.
So that's definitely one way you can make people feel immediately
better. Say their name.
Ask them to share a story or. I've got interesting.
It was a message I got on Instagram from a friend of
Toby's that. I had never met.
And she's an artist. And she reached out to me.
And it's funny because she messaged me on Instagram after
she listened to the podcast and she, I was like, Oh my gosh, I I
think I overstepped. Was this wrong?
I can't believe I sent you a piece of artwork and one just
forced you to be my friend. And I was like, Oh my gosh.
I was like. It made me feel so close to him
to get to get to know you, even though we still have not met in
person yet. But she sent me this beautiful
piece of art that she painted for Toby or the made her think
of Toby. Yeah, I got a lot.
I have a lot of people took the time to write me a letter, which
you never get anymore. And sharing who Hunter was to
them. Yeah.
And they were people that I didn't even know, people that he
had worked with or even. I love that he helped one of my
sister's friends when she was starting a business kind of get
going and and was mentoring her a little bit and she wrote this
really long sweet letter and I treasure those.
I've got them in a little box in my bedroom and my hope or my
plan is at some point I will make a book for each kid because
their their memories get. Funny, did that they they
solicited. People to write something about
him and made a book for the Yeah, that's something that's
oh. That's nice.
People from before he and I met, people from high school, people
from college. I need to do that I have.
And his his parents. I'm very grateful they
spearheaded that effort and did that for me.
Yeah, yeah. And for the kids.
My friends set up like cards at the memorial that people took
with them, and I actually, like, got a card in the mail like.
Maybe like a year ago. No way.
It's been like five years. That somebody, that's awesome.
And if you're listening and you're thinking, oh, I should
have done that, do it now. Do it.
Do it now. Because it's just as special now
as it would have been back then. Maybe even more special because
you don't feel like people remember.
And be specific, my next door neighbor, they had moved off and
I think they think they came to the funeral, but I hadn't seen
her in quite a while and she wrote me the sweetest.
Most detailed about she said. I saw all over the way he looked
at you and and I saw the way that he spoke to you when you
were out with the kids playing in the.
And I thought, wow, all that time you know I had made a
dialogue in my head that she thought I was some kind of dim
you know, whatever, that I'm just playing with the kids in
the yard. And it was not at all that she
wrote the sweet letter. So if you're if you know, if
you're a listener and you have someone that's had something
tragic. Be specific like she did.
It was. I have treasured.
I've kept all of them, but that one's my favorite.
Well, because I don't know about you guys, I'm sure you had these
thoughts after Hunter died. I felt like a lot of my memories
died because the only two people that had some of those memories
were him and I, and we knew how we were as a couple.
We knew what we did for each other inside.
Yeah, all of that. I would make inside jokes and
then I'd be like, oh, he's not here, he doesn't get.
The birth of your baby? Nobody.
Would get the referee. Was there?
Yeah, yeah. The birth of the babies, the
inside jokes that nobody gets. So if you have a memory,
especially she gave you the gift of a memory of the two of you.
Yeah. I mean, and so I don't.
Even know she was paying attention, right?
So that is really special because nobody know.
No, in my mind nobody knows. Especially here because he was
dead. Nobody knew him.
Here. I.
Forgot to add, she even sent a picture and it was about just a
couple of months ago because she knew Ryder graduated and her son
graduated the year prior. It was us at her house at
Halloween and it was it's because I guess she didn't have
a lot of pictures of me and all over together and her son.
I think she used it for some of his like graduation something or
other and happened to notice he's and mailed it to me out of
the blue. That is so.
Thank. You, Amanda Iyer Ward, because.
When you read her books by the way photos and you see
something, yeah, you said, reader being, what are her
books? Amanda Iyer Ward Sleep toward
heaven is the first one. I'll never that we are full of
information for you guys, not only on the podcast but on
Instagram. We're getting a website set up
and we will just have so many resources for you.
So continue to listen, follow us, comment, review, shoot us a
DM, but don't be gross. Bye.
Gross, Not there, guys.