1 00:00:00,360 --> 00:00:03,000 You found us. I'm so glad you did. 2 00:00:03,000 --> 00:00:06,160 But I'm sorry that you had to. Who are we? 3 00:00:06,760 --> 00:00:10,920 I'll tell you what, we're not. We're not old, we're not boring, 4 00:00:11,200 --> 00:00:13,760 and we're not giving up. So come on into our widow 5 00:00:13,760 --> 00:00:15,480 circle, where trauma meets humor. 6 00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:20,160 And we remind you that you can not only survive, but thrive. 7 00:00:21,320 --> 00:00:24,580 This is every widow thing. Hello everyone. 8 00:00:24,580 --> 00:00:28,180 This is Keira and we're back with another episode of Every 9 00:00:28,180 --> 00:00:31,300 Widow Thing. I'm here with Whitney, Lacey and 10 00:00:31,300 --> 00:00:35,420 Holly, and today on this episode we're going to be talking about 11 00:00:35,860 --> 00:00:41,020 just crazy and inappropriate encounters or things that people 12 00:00:41,380 --> 00:00:44,500 said to us in the wake of our tragedies and losing our 13 00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:47,100 husband. So does anybody have. 14 00:00:47,100 --> 00:00:50,060 Well, I first want to just say the reason that we we were 15 00:00:50,060 --> 00:00:53,180 always going to talk about this. But yesterday Kyra said 16 00:00:53,180 --> 00:00:57,500 something that was so true but also cracked me up about this 17 00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:59,100 topic. And she was like, you know, 18 00:00:59,340 --> 00:01:02,540 people, people are just gross. People are gross. 19 00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:05,099 And I just love that I'm like the. 20 00:01:05,220 --> 00:01:08,420 Name of this People are gross. People are gross. 21 00:01:08,420 --> 00:01:10,540 It should be. Even people that are trying to 22 00:01:10,540 --> 00:01:16,350 do something kind of like when I first wrote on Facebook, which 23 00:01:16,350 --> 00:01:20,550 it sound, it felt so weird to do it, but that is one of the ways 24 00:01:20,550 --> 00:01:25,670 you communicate with people. And I was very I had a I had a 25 00:01:25,670 --> 00:01:28,110 big presence on social media at that time. 26 00:01:28,110 --> 00:01:33,270 I was constantly on there, you know, and like putting posting 27 00:01:33,270 --> 00:01:36,510 things and it's way calm down since Hunter died. 28 00:01:36,790 --> 00:01:41,030 But so I felt the need to post something on Facebook about 29 00:01:41,030 --> 00:01:43,870 Hunter dying because it was going to come out of the blue. 30 00:01:44,140 --> 00:01:47,940 So you do your post and everyone's shocked And several 31 00:01:47,940 --> 00:01:52,380 people wrote RIP and that means rest in peace. 32 00:01:52,380 --> 00:01:55,500 And it sounds so nice, but. It. 33 00:01:56,140 --> 00:02:02,540 RIP, RIP. And I was like, I got so upset 34 00:02:02,540 --> 00:02:06,020 about that and they weren't. They thought they were doing 35 00:02:06,020 --> 00:02:09,259 something nice. But I'm like, RIP is something 36 00:02:09,259 --> 00:02:13,170 that you put on a Halloween tombstone or something? 37 00:02:13,170 --> 00:02:16,170 Or RIP is for somebody. Kill a fly. 38 00:02:17,610 --> 00:02:22,810 And the kids are like, rip fly. Yeah, it it just didn't feel 39 00:02:22,970 --> 00:02:26,810 like an emotional or a thoughtful thing. 40 00:02:26,810 --> 00:02:29,490 It felt flippant. You didn't even write it out. 41 00:02:29,490 --> 00:02:31,010 You didn't even write Rest in peace. 42 00:02:31,010 --> 00:02:34,480 You wrote RIP and I wanted to rip your fucking head off. 43 00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:37,640 Well, Speaking of Facebook. You a new one. 44 00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:41,360 Tagging on in the Facebook thing, something that happened 45 00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:47,960 to me as my Toby's brothers, now exwife decided it would be a 46 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:54,760 great idea to post about the accident the day after it 47 00:02:54,760 --> 00:02:57,800 happened, day after it happened, and oh. 48 00:02:58,360 --> 00:02:59,760 My God. Tag Toby. 49 00:03:00,500 --> 00:03:04,020 And my. Love to be the drama Spiller 50 00:03:04,020 --> 00:03:05,820 they love me to be. The Who does that? 51 00:03:05,820 --> 00:03:07,940 The one that. Gets Intel. 52 00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:11,180 Drama. Horrible about it is one of my 53 00:03:11,180 --> 00:03:16,580 best friends was traveling and he found out Toby died from 54 00:03:16,580 --> 00:03:17,420 Facebook. Oh. 55 00:03:17,940 --> 00:03:22,160 Man, I was so pissed off. It was so inappropriate. 56 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:24,680 Yeah, That was beyond. That's pretty gross. 57 00:03:24,880 --> 00:03:26,000 That's gross. That's. 58 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:30,840 That's gross. I was out early on, probably the 59 00:03:30,840 --> 00:03:33,640 first outing. It was a baseball game for my 60 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:38,040 son, and I was still in, in and out of, you know, physical 61 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:41,760 therapy and stuff. But I was out with my parents 62 00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:48,220 watching the game and a mom. Sidled up and said, you know, Oh 63 00:03:48,260 --> 00:03:51,540 my gosh, I haven't seen you. I'm so happy to see you and 64 00:03:51,540 --> 00:03:55,140 you're and you know Thomas and you know our boys were on the 65 00:03:55,220 --> 00:03:59,020 playing baseball and she said, man, you look really good. 66 00:03:59,020 --> 00:04:01,620 I mean, I heard you burned up in that car. 67 00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:06,360 That did not happen. Oh, I hope she immediately. 68 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:09,600 Was mortified, but did she recognize that was gross? 69 00:04:09,840 --> 00:04:12,000 Did she recognize how gross that was? 70 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:16,320 I think she was trying something that I heard something. 71 00:04:16,320 --> 00:04:18,600 I've gotten really good at y'all, which maybe you can 72 00:04:18,600 --> 00:04:21,060 relate. Is trying to give people grace 73 00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:25,460 when these moments happen and you think I have said some, I 74 00:04:25,460 --> 00:04:27,300 mean I I. Think she was trying to say, 75 00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:29,900 hey, you look pretty good, all things considered, right? 76 00:04:30,380 --> 00:04:34,500 But it came out like that and that was pretty, You know, it's 77 00:04:34,500 --> 00:04:36,860 like literally my first time out in public. 78 00:04:36,940 --> 00:04:41,420 You know, I I used to be a person and I still am sometimes 79 00:04:41,460 --> 00:04:45,060 a person that would try to smooth it over for the other 80 00:04:45,060 --> 00:04:47,300 person. I would try to sort of alleviate 81 00:04:47,580 --> 00:04:50,800 their discomfort. That still is probably my 82 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:54,880 default setting, but I'm getting better at not just going into 83 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,160 the like, oh, it's OK, don't worry. 84 00:04:57,160 --> 00:05:00,520 And you know, today if somebody said that to me, I would say, 85 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:04,200 wow, that's super rude. But I didn't in the time I was 86 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:07,320 just, I mean, you're stunned. How can you not be stunned, 87 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:09,520 right? I hate to say this, but I think 88 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:11,240 a lot of people, they're looky loose. 89 00:05:11,280 --> 00:05:13,680 It's like a bad accident. Like there were people at 90 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,880 Oliver's funeral that I honest to God, I don't know who they 91 00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,480 are. They were. 92 00:05:17,800 --> 00:05:19,920 Were in the pumpkin patch. They were in the pumpkin that 93 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,560 literally behind the. Pumpkin with a pumpkin. 94 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:25,920 Yes, I got their half price pumpkin because they went to the 95 00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:28,960 funeral. And but really seriously there 96 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,600 there's one that sticks out in my mind. 97 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:33,320 And I'm thinking she doesn't acknowledge my presence. 98 00:05:33,320 --> 00:05:35,320 I see her with people that I know. 99 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:38,320 She doesn't even acknowledge my presence when she sees me. 100 00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:40,480 And I make thinking you were at my husband's funeral. 101 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:43,520 Like, what the hell were you there for if you don't even 102 00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:45,950 acknowledge you know me? That's weird. 103 00:05:45,950 --> 00:05:48,790 It's cuz she's a looky loo she wanted to be where all. 104 00:05:48,870 --> 00:05:51,710 Of the showing the community, look at me, I'm here. 105 00:05:51,710 --> 00:05:53,390 I'm doing. I'm doing the right thing. 106 00:05:53,390 --> 00:05:57,110 But I mean, it's so like they want to see your tragedy, see 107 00:05:57,110 --> 00:06:00,910 you in like, which that gonna look like or in a weird way, 108 00:06:00,910 --> 00:06:03,670 it's like an event in the neighborhood. 109 00:06:03,670 --> 00:06:06,670 It's like a, I hate to say a social event, but it's like, oh, 110 00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:09,510 were you at So and So's funeral. Oh, did you see? 111 00:06:09,510 --> 00:06:11,710 Yes, so and So's funeral. It's why I didn't go to the one 112 00:06:11,710 --> 00:06:13,830 yesterday. I know her peripherally. 113 00:06:14,780 --> 00:06:17,820 Because I know how I felt. People that I didn't even know 114 00:06:17,820 --> 00:06:19,140 were there. It was, you know what? 115 00:06:19,140 --> 00:06:22,180 Now I feel like a gross person. Why? 116 00:06:22,180 --> 00:06:27,140 Because there was a a man that I had met through this friend. 117 00:06:27,300 --> 00:06:32,620 Well, he died unexpectedly. And so the mutual friend 118 00:06:32,620 --> 00:06:39,020 connected me with the the newly widowed woman through text and 119 00:06:39,020 --> 00:06:41,460 just said, you know, she's having a really hard time, she's 120 00:06:41,460 --> 00:06:43,860 open to talking to you. And so I reached out a couple of 121 00:06:43,860 --> 00:06:48,060 times and we had a little text exchange, but we never met up. 122 00:06:48,420 --> 00:06:54,380 But she had a memorial for the husband a couple of months later 123 00:06:54,740 --> 00:06:57,900 and she had it. She invited me, but I'd never 124 00:06:57,900 --> 00:07:01,970 met her and that's so I go. I'm having. 125 00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:04,970 Someone connected you together. This is someone that did right, 126 00:07:05,050 --> 00:07:08,130 but I did not. I did not immediately. 127 00:07:08,130 --> 00:07:10,890 Because you know what? Those things everybody is 128 00:07:11,690 --> 00:07:14,730 wanting to talk to you and and get your attention and stuff. 129 00:07:14,730 --> 00:07:18,410 And so I had not gone up to her. In hindsight, I should have the 130 00:07:18,410 --> 00:07:21,770 very first thing gone up to her because what ended up happening 131 00:07:22,010 --> 00:07:25,770 is that I'm standing in line to get a drink because it was an 132 00:07:25,770 --> 00:07:29,010 open bar and they were having like a music. 133 00:07:29,170 --> 00:07:30,970 He was it. He was in a band, so they were 134 00:07:30,970 --> 00:07:32,450 going to have all these bands playing stuff. 135 00:07:32,810 --> 00:07:37,090 So I did not go up to her. She sees this woman that she 136 00:07:37,090 --> 00:07:40,250 doesn't know standing in line to get a free drink at her 137 00:07:40,250 --> 00:07:42,730 husband's memorial. You're so gross. 138 00:07:42,850 --> 00:07:44,850 I am. So gross. 139 00:07:45,770 --> 00:07:50,280 And I was, I was embarrassed. And she was like, hi, I can't 140 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,000 remember what she said. She was very gracious, but she 141 00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:56,000 was like, hi, I'm who are you? Yeah, she's like, I'm so and so. 142 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,240 And I was like, oh, my gosh. And then it kind of hit me that, 143 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:02,000 oh, I am gross. It's human nature to be curious. 144 00:08:02,000 --> 00:08:05,520 It's human nature to want and you know, know like wow, you 145 00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:09,280 know I heard you caught on fire and you look, OK we all have 146 00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:13,000 those moments, let's say that where we want to see the actor 147 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:16,640 burned up in that car. But yeah, you've got to have 148 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:19,040 some restraint. And I, you know, honestly, one 149 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,000 of the Silver Linings for. Me going through all this is 150 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:25,880 like, I really do try to think before I speak more than I 151 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:29,280 probably did prior because I have to think like, well, are 152 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,520 these words coming out of my mouth appropriate? 153 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,039 You know, off the cuff, flippant. 154 00:08:34,400 --> 00:08:36,480 Just just be mindful and be careful. 155 00:08:36,799 --> 00:08:39,600 Even if you're thinking it doesn't mean it needs to come 156 00:08:39,600 --> 00:08:42,600 out of your mouth Well, and you have to take into consideration 157 00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:47,320 the the person. I can remember a very good 158 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:51,550 friend of mine and hunters in California. 159 00:08:52,670 --> 00:08:58,710 She so she texted me and she said Hunter came to me in a 160 00:08:58,710 --> 00:09:01,470 dream and he had just died a week prior. 161 00:09:02,030 --> 00:09:05,670 Hunter came to me in a dream and he wanted me to tell you that 162 00:09:05,670 --> 00:09:08,270 he's okay. And you know me. 163 00:09:08,270 --> 00:09:10,190 I love signs. I love the dreams. 164 00:09:10,950 --> 00:09:16,950 I was furious. I was so mad. 165 00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:19,070 And this was a purse, a friend of mine. 166 00:09:19,460 --> 00:09:22,540 And and I'm a spiritual person and she's a spiritual person. 167 00:09:23,220 --> 00:09:25,780 And I had to collect myself. And then I just sent a little 168 00:09:25,780 --> 00:09:28,500 text like this isn't what I need to hear right now. 169 00:09:28,940 --> 00:09:32,980 I know he's okay. And now I'm wondering why he 170 00:09:32,980 --> 00:09:36,220 didn't come to me. Why is he coming to you? 171 00:09:36,860 --> 00:09:40,500 You know, so even when you're trying to be thoughtful, you're 172 00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:43,050 not going to get it right all the time. 173 00:09:43,250 --> 00:09:45,490 I feel really bad. I mean, I I mean, I didn't 174 00:09:45,490 --> 00:09:47,610 scream at her. Poor Sharon had to hear me 175 00:09:47,610 --> 00:09:49,890 screaming in the car. And that's something that people 176 00:09:49,890 --> 00:09:51,330 would think. I would love to know. 177 00:09:51,810 --> 00:09:54,850 That's why it's so hard. I mean the only thing I had a 178 00:09:54,850 --> 00:09:58,570 funny story when we when we said this was going to be the topic. 179 00:09:58,570 --> 00:10:01,090 Yeah, I went back through some notes and thought this has 180 00:10:01,090 --> 00:10:04,650 nothing to do with anybody I know, but my my best friend was 181 00:10:04,690 --> 00:10:06,730 at my house. She decided to stay with me 182 00:10:07,010 --> 00:10:09,010 after the second funeral in Germany and. 183 00:10:09,450 --> 00:10:12,170 She was standing at the doorway and I was calling this company 184 00:10:12,170 --> 00:10:15,530 called Rhapsody Blues. I was looking at Oliver's. 185 00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:18,370 I stayed in business mode for a long time. 186 00:10:18,370 --> 00:10:20,250 That's how I cope. I have to go in my head. 187 00:10:20,250 --> 00:10:22,850 As y'all know, I kind of go into a like a hole when things are 188 00:10:22,850 --> 00:10:25,930 really not good. Instead of going out, I go in 189 00:10:25,970 --> 00:10:28,570 And so I was doing all the paperwork and just staying 190 00:10:28,570 --> 00:10:32,890 really busy and I was going through his bank account and all 191 00:10:32,890 --> 00:10:34,490 the drafts. I was getting rid of all of 192 00:10:34,490 --> 00:10:36,900 them. One of them was Rhapsody Blues. 193 00:10:36,900 --> 00:10:39,260 So you go in there and you click on the number and I call them up 194 00:10:39,260 --> 00:10:43,700 And I said yes. My husband, Oliver, he died and 195 00:10:44,140 --> 00:10:45,700 I had the death certificates and everything. 196 00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:48,300 I'd like to. I'm about to get rid of his 197 00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:50,380 checking account. And so the draft is no longer 198 00:10:50,380 --> 00:10:52,060 going to go through. I don't want you to wonder why 199 00:10:52,060 --> 00:10:54,180 it's not. So you start sending, trying to 200 00:10:54,180 --> 00:10:57,460 send the bill and also service charges, I'm sure, because it'll 201 00:10:57,460 --> 00:11:00,540 bounce back. And they said so how can we 202 00:11:00,540 --> 00:11:05,830 retain his business? And so I was like, excuse me? 203 00:11:05,830 --> 00:11:08,070 And they were like, how can we retain his business? 204 00:11:08,350 --> 00:11:10,270 And Kathy's standing there watching me. 205 00:11:10,270 --> 00:11:11,830 I'm unaware She's like, standing right there. 206 00:11:12,230 --> 00:11:15,550 I said, well, unless you go pipe that music 6 feet under, he 207 00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:17,550 ain't gonna be listening to Rhapsody Blues. 208 00:11:17,630 --> 00:11:19,710 He may be singing the Blues, but he's not gonna be listening to 209 00:11:19,750 --> 00:11:21,430 that to. Be boy, Gosh, I. 210 00:11:21,630 --> 00:11:24,110 You were singing the Blues. Kathy was like. 211 00:11:24,570 --> 00:11:26,970 I am so worried about you right now. 212 00:11:26,970 --> 00:11:29,610 Like, we just got off the phone. She was like, you were just like 213 00:11:29,610 --> 00:11:31,730 in full on, like raps in the Blues, you know, passing in the 214 00:11:31,730 --> 00:11:33,370 Blues. I wasn't even sad. 215 00:11:33,370 --> 00:11:36,290 I wasn't even mad at them. No, you you were. 216 00:11:36,330 --> 00:11:39,050 That's that's one of those moments where the comedy comes 217 00:11:39,050 --> 00:11:39,690 in. Yeah. 218 00:11:39,890 --> 00:11:42,490 And you're like, even in your grief you recognize Oh my God, 219 00:11:42,490 --> 00:11:44,170 that's hilarious. Dumbest thing ever, right? 220 00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:45,170 You're an idiot. And then? 221 00:11:45,250 --> 00:11:47,050 They go, I said. Can I speak to your manager? 222 00:11:47,050 --> 00:11:48,860 Yeah. I sweat. 223 00:11:48,860 --> 00:11:50,780 Flash forward. A manager gets the phone, I tell 224 00:11:50,780 --> 00:11:52,980 him, I said. I am so frustrated with your 225 00:11:53,220 --> 00:11:55,540 customer service Rep I'm trying to tell him. 226 00:11:55,540 --> 00:11:56,780 And I went through the whole story again. 227 00:11:56,980 --> 00:11:58,620 He did the same thing. He did not. 228 00:11:59,180 --> 00:12:01,500 I was like. Well, cuz maybe are they just 229 00:12:01,540 --> 00:12:03,380 reading from a script? Thank you. 230 00:12:03,380 --> 00:12:05,780 That's exactly what it is. Yeah, they're reading. 231 00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:07,420 They're lightning. Yes, Miss. 232 00:12:07,770 --> 00:12:09,610 They go, then they go. They realize they can't say my 233 00:12:09,610 --> 00:12:11,890 last name, so they go, thank you, Miss Lacey. 234 00:12:12,130 --> 00:12:15,250 We can't. We're trying to like retain your 235 00:12:15,250 --> 00:12:17,130 business. What can we do? 236 00:12:17,130 --> 00:12:20,170 It's 995. And but yeah, after the second 237 00:12:20,210 --> 00:12:22,170 one, I thought. Be like he's dead. 238 00:12:22,170 --> 00:12:23,410 He's dead. He's dead. 239 00:12:23,450 --> 00:12:24,090 Yeah. Dead. 240 00:12:24,170 --> 00:12:26,130 The same thing happened with at T, though. 241 00:12:26,410 --> 00:12:29,290 I ended up getting a free phone out of it because I was that I 242 00:12:29,290 --> 00:12:31,930 got mad about because they were like trying to charge me my 243 00:12:31,930 --> 00:12:34,210 husband's phone. I guess he'd gotten an upgrade 244 00:12:34,210 --> 00:12:37,060 or something, and they were. Charging the account. 245 00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:39,940 It hadn't shown up yet, and I was doing the draft and I was 246 00:12:39,940 --> 00:12:43,500 like, you're kidding me, right? My husband just died. 247 00:12:43,500 --> 00:12:47,540 You're worried about collecting your extra 10 bucks or whatever? 248 00:12:47,540 --> 00:12:50,420 It wasn't much. So they ended up sending me a 249 00:12:50,420 --> 00:12:52,900 free phone because I was just like. 250 00:12:52,900 --> 00:12:54,780 You guys are gross. Yeah, it's gross. 251 00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:56,980 You guys are gross. My husband died and you're 252 00:12:56,980 --> 00:12:59,940 pissed off about getting your $10 that was coming off of a 253 00:12:59,940 --> 00:13:01,860 draft. I said I'll send you 20 just to 254 00:13:01,860 --> 00:13:04,260 shut up. It's amazing to me, I. 255 00:13:04,380 --> 00:13:07,980 Realize service people that you go through that was reading, I'm 256 00:13:07,980 --> 00:13:10,540 sure all of us had those experiences. 257 00:13:11,020 --> 00:13:13,620 And you guys know my Costco story, which was actually kind 258 00:13:13,620 --> 00:13:16,580 of recent. I think it was last Christmas 259 00:13:16,660 --> 00:13:21,340 and I'm in Costco and the guy says at the checkout, I spend a 260 00:13:21,540 --> 00:13:25,140 shit ton of money at Costco and he's like, oh you know, you're 261 00:13:25,140 --> 00:13:28,450 going to get a ton of cash back. Because I've got some kind of 262 00:13:28,450 --> 00:13:30,130 executive Costco membership or something. 263 00:13:30,130 --> 00:13:33,290 And I'm like what fancy. And he's like, yeah, you know, 264 00:13:33,290 --> 00:13:36,090 you get cash back when you spend this kind of money, go over 265 00:13:36,090 --> 00:13:39,250 there to customer service and tell, you know, get your money. 266 00:13:39,250 --> 00:13:42,450 And I'm like, all right, you know, money, way, yay, free 267 00:13:42,450 --> 00:13:44,850 money. I go to customer service and I'm 268 00:13:44,850 --> 00:13:49,090 like, hey, Jerry over there, send me over here. 269 00:13:49,890 --> 00:13:51,810 It says that y'all owe me some money. 270 00:13:51,810 --> 00:13:53,810 So bring it, you know, bring it on. 271 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,200 The woman says, OK, you know, give me your card. 272 00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,920 And she looks it up and she's like, well, is there anybody 273 00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:02,920 else on the account? And I'm like, maybe Frank's on 274 00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:05,040 there. And she said yes. 275 00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:09,200 And I said, OK, well, I didn't realize that we were a part of 276 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,920 this program, but apparently I'm supposed to get some cash back. 277 00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:15,240 And she said, well, you know, he's the primary on the account, 278 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:19,640 OK, it's been 8 years. I said he's been dead for eight 279 00:14:19,720 --> 00:14:22,720 years. And she says, well, I'm gonna 280 00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:26,400 need a death certificate. Did you and I didn't have my 281 00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:31,800 Xerox on me because it had been 8 because years didn't exist. 282 00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:35,520 I was no longer carrying the Xerox of the death certificate 283 00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:37,440 in my wallet. You could Google it and show her 284 00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:40,880 the obit. I just couldn't believe. 285 00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:44,160 And I said, well, this is pretty interesting. 286 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:47,200 I didn't lose my cool, but I said wow, you know, I just 287 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:50,190 don't. See how I mean, this is Costco. 288 00:14:50,190 --> 00:14:52,670 This is. So I think I called one of you 289 00:14:52,670 --> 00:14:54,550 guys right over to your house. I was. 290 00:14:54,630 --> 00:14:57,870 You tested the group, I think, and was just like I've cried. 291 00:14:57,910 --> 00:15:01,710 You're not going to believe this, So of course months go by. 292 00:15:01,710 --> 00:15:03,230 I'm forgetting. I'm forgetting. 293 00:15:03,230 --> 00:15:04,350 I'm forgetting. I'm forgetting. 294 00:15:04,910 --> 00:15:07,590 Finally, oh, and the other piece that she said, I said, well, why 295 00:15:07,630 --> 00:15:09,510 is this policy in place? This seems kind of silly 296 00:15:09,510 --> 00:15:11,670 because, I mean, I'm on there. It's not just him. 297 00:15:11,670 --> 00:15:13,430 And they're taking your money for grocery. 298 00:15:13,510 --> 00:15:15,710 My pictures all the time, she said. 299 00:15:15,710 --> 00:15:19,790 Well, when there's a divorce, I said, OK, so this is about 300 00:15:19,790 --> 00:15:22,150 divorce, people fighting over their paper towel money. 301 00:15:22,150 --> 00:15:25,430 Like, is that what this is? I mean, six months probably go 302 00:15:25,430 --> 00:15:27,550 by and every time, of course, I'm at Costco. 303 00:15:27,550 --> 00:15:30,310 Between then and then I'm like, damn it, I forgot the death 304 00:15:30,390 --> 00:15:34,580 certificate. So I bring it and I mean I'm I'm 305 00:15:34,580 --> 00:15:39,940 all like look and I'm like unfolding it and sliding sliding 306 00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:44,140 it under the the the shield like y'all I brought the desk it and 307 00:15:44,140 --> 00:15:46,660 this poor girl that I get matches to by the way. 308 00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:48,660 Yeah here's a little sprinkling of him. 309 00:15:49,140 --> 00:15:54,180 She's like she just looks at me and she's like what is this? 310 00:15:54,180 --> 00:15:57,580 I said this is required documentation, I was told. 311 00:15:58,010 --> 00:16:01,450 Needed to be hand delivered so that I can get my cash back. 312 00:16:01,450 --> 00:16:05,370 How much did you get? This poor girl. 313 00:16:05,370 --> 00:16:08,410 Her face just blanches. She was mortified. 314 00:16:08,410 --> 00:16:11,850 She gets her manager over, the managers more mortified. 315 00:16:11,850 --> 00:16:14,810 Of course, I didn't remember who I had dealt with before because 316 00:16:14,810 --> 00:16:16,890 it was the holidays. Again, let's just say. 317 00:16:16,890 --> 00:16:20,650 But that wasn't even necessary. So they were mortified, they, 318 00:16:21,010 --> 00:16:24,410 you know, scurry over, they're pulling up the account they're 319 00:16:24,410 --> 00:16:26,440 digging through. I walked out of there with like 320 00:16:26,840 --> 00:16:30,680 almost $900. That was. 321 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:34,520 Worth it from all the years prior because I guess maybe they 322 00:16:34,520 --> 00:16:37,480 were probably sending the checks and I was just going, oh, this 323 00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:38,800 is for Frank. Well, if you're not going to do 324 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:41,760 anything with this and just threw it in the trash, Oh my 325 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:43,480 God. That is awesome. 326 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:45,240 I know it was pretty awesome, but I. 327 00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:48,280 Had to go through that. Yeah. 328 00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,040 So thank you, Costco, for making it right. 329 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:51,680 Yeah. So you know. 330 00:16:52,030 --> 00:16:56,230 I guess that gives us also a message to and me, me included. 331 00:16:56,590 --> 00:16:58,510 We don't know what people are going through. 332 00:16:58,510 --> 00:17:01,150 So know what? Maybe that customer service Rep 333 00:17:01,150 --> 00:17:03,750 was just following the protocol I was. 334 00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:06,990 Completely nice. And I I left and I I didn't make 335 00:17:06,990 --> 00:17:08,790 a scene. I'm not really a scene maker. 336 00:17:08,790 --> 00:17:10,270 I thought it was really hysterical. 337 00:17:10,750 --> 00:17:13,230 But it's like, you know, with everything that left, you're 338 00:17:13,310 --> 00:17:15,550 dealing with Cat or Don's Depot, are you? 339 00:17:15,550 --> 00:17:16,910 Like who's? Making up. 340 00:17:16,910 --> 00:17:20,790 Or who's making up? The deadness like, Oh my 341 00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:23,380 goodness. We're in Vegas now. 342 00:17:23,380 --> 00:17:25,780 We're in trouble. You guys need to shut it down 343 00:17:27,460 --> 00:17:29,260 anyway. But who's making it up? 344 00:17:29,260 --> 00:17:31,860 Didn't you guys ever feel like why would I make this up? 345 00:17:32,020 --> 00:17:34,300 Yeah, why would I make up the dead husband? 346 00:17:34,460 --> 00:17:37,420 Well, that happened on the phone all the time with. 347 00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,220 When you're trying. To close things down, yes. 348 00:17:40,220 --> 00:17:43,300 And they're like, well, you're it's not it's. 349 00:17:44,260 --> 00:17:46,300 Toby's real first name was Brian. 350 00:17:46,540 --> 00:17:47,100 What? It's. 351 00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:50,740 Brian He had a first name that's different than the name. 352 00:17:50,740 --> 00:17:53,620 Brian Tobias. That must have added a layer of 353 00:17:53,660 --> 00:17:58,260 would you dated Tobias. OK, we digress. 354 00:17:59,140 --> 00:18:02,940 Anyway, but then she was like, it's Brian set up on the account 355 00:18:02,940 --> 00:18:07,980 and I'm like, well, he's dead. And they're like, wow, we we can 356 00:18:08,140 --> 00:18:09,820 we. Can only speak to him. 357 00:18:09,820 --> 00:18:11,820 And I'm like, well, good luck with that. 358 00:18:12,020 --> 00:18:14,340 Yeah, but you know, I had to show the death certificate, 359 00:18:14,340 --> 00:18:15,580 right? It's just like a pain in the 360 00:18:15,780 --> 00:18:17,340 butt. It is a big it. 361 00:18:17,380 --> 00:18:19,820 Makes sense if it's banking or something. 362 00:18:19,820 --> 00:18:23,420 The mortgage people are. Things like. 363 00:18:23,620 --> 00:18:26,180 Costco or the phone? But the $10.00 on the phone 364 00:18:26,180 --> 00:18:28,140 bill, it's yeah, but it's. Just like you said. 365 00:18:28,140 --> 00:18:30,660 Don't people Spotify account there? 366 00:18:30,900 --> 00:18:33,700 There are people out there that are lying and saying that they 367 00:18:33,700 --> 00:18:36,540 have a dad husband so that they don't have to pay their cell 368 00:18:36,540 --> 00:18:37,940 phone bills. Get them on the show. 369 00:18:38,060 --> 00:18:38,540 Yeah. Curious. 370 00:18:38,820 --> 00:18:40,500 They're gross. I'm not invited. 371 00:18:41,340 --> 00:18:44,420 I have a story. My poor mother, She's going to 372 00:18:44,420 --> 00:18:47,300 hate that I'm telling the story, but I think it is hilarious. 373 00:18:47,780 --> 00:18:52,100 And mom, I know you're not gross, but the week after Hunter 374 00:18:52,100 --> 00:18:56,580 died, I got pictures back. You know, we had taken pictures 375 00:18:56,580 --> 00:18:59,620 a couple of weeks prior. And so we're looking through 376 00:18:59,620 --> 00:19:02,780 them, my mom and I, and she's in shock too. 377 00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:05,740 And she goes, wow, Hunter looks so good. 378 00:19:05,740 --> 00:19:08,260 And I said, I know. And she said you look like you 379 00:19:08,260 --> 00:19:13,060 could be his mother. And I was like, I literally 380 00:19:13,060 --> 00:19:15,340 turned to her and I go, Oh my gosh, I'm putting that on 381 00:19:15,340 --> 00:19:17,660 Facebook. And she goes, no, you can't, you 382 00:19:17,660 --> 00:19:19,060 can't. And I go, I'm going to, it's 383 00:19:19,060 --> 00:19:20,420 hilarious. And she goes, well, I'm sorry, 384 00:19:20,420 --> 00:19:22,380 Whitney, you're just not photogenic. 385 00:19:22,380 --> 00:19:27,180 You look better in person. And I was just like, Oh my gosh, 386 00:19:27,180 --> 00:19:30,270 you're not stopping. She swears that it didn't have 387 00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:31,430 to. Doubling down Mom. 388 00:19:31,590 --> 00:19:32,630 Yeah, she doubled down. I. 389 00:19:32,950 --> 00:19:35,430 Guess it's better that you look better in person than a photo. 390 00:19:35,750 --> 00:19:37,670 Yeah, I'd better. I'd rather like you'd be 391 00:19:37,670 --> 00:19:40,390 pleasantly surprised, we all. Got in our dating apps? 392 00:19:40,390 --> 00:19:43,790 Oh. My gosh, I had one family member 393 00:19:43,790 --> 00:19:46,750 say something that was wildly inappropriate, but it it speaks 394 00:19:46,750 --> 00:19:48,950 more about them than it does you. 395 00:19:48,950 --> 00:19:50,870 I had to kind of like, remember that. 396 00:19:50,870 --> 00:19:55,110 Like I think a lot of us, like couldn't eat, so I lost an 397 00:19:55,110 --> 00:19:58,200 enormous amount of and look. Terrible. 398 00:19:58,200 --> 00:20:00,360 But one of the family members had, I had to pick them up at 399 00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:03,200 the airport and they were like, you look so skinny. 400 00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:05,240 Oh my God, like that was a good thing. 401 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:06,600 Yeah. I heard that too. 402 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,640 Well, that's a problem in our culture. 403 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:11,520 I was like, they go, how do you lose so much weight? 404 00:20:11,520 --> 00:20:14,480 I go, It's called the dead husband diet. 405 00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:15,600 Yeah. You heard of it. 406 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:18,440 And they were like, oh. Wow. 407 00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:23,160 Sushido this little more extreme deto. 408 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:25,560 It's a little tricky. Exactly. 409 00:20:27,150 --> 00:20:29,230 It's super easy. First your husband dies 410 00:20:29,230 --> 00:20:32,230 breadwinner, and then you, so there's no bread to eat. 411 00:20:34,710 --> 00:20:38,390 We're going down a rabbit hole. We are sorry, Anything else? 412 00:20:38,390 --> 00:20:40,430 What? Let's end on a positive note. 413 00:20:40,630 --> 00:20:45,590 What are some things that people said or did that actually were 414 00:20:45,590 --> 00:20:48,750 comforting? Hunter's mom shared with me 415 00:20:49,190 --> 00:20:53,110 recently that one of the things that meant the most to her, a 416 00:20:53,110 --> 00:20:56,190 woman that she didn't know very well, contacted her and just 417 00:20:56,190 --> 00:21:00,790 said I'm so sorry and I would love to hear more about him. 418 00:21:01,110 --> 00:21:03,150 So would you like to come have coffee? 419 00:21:03,750 --> 00:21:09,870 And she went over and she got to share who Hunter was. 420 00:21:10,390 --> 00:21:14,310 And she said that meant so much to me because a lot of people 421 00:21:14,310 --> 00:21:18,430 stop saying their names, stop talking, especially people that 422 00:21:18,430 --> 00:21:21,070 you're just meeting. They don't even feel a 423 00:21:21,070 --> 00:21:25,710 connection right about it. So it meant so much to her. 424 00:21:25,710 --> 00:21:29,150 So that's definitely one way you can make people feel immediately 425 00:21:29,150 --> 00:21:30,350 better. Say their name. 426 00:21:30,350 --> 00:21:34,430 Ask them to share a story or. I've got interesting. 427 00:21:34,630 --> 00:21:37,790 It was a message I got on Instagram from a friend of 428 00:21:37,790 --> 00:21:40,530 Toby's that. I had never met. 429 00:21:40,850 --> 00:21:44,650 And she's an artist. And she reached out to me. 430 00:21:44,810 --> 00:21:48,130 And it's funny because she messaged me on Instagram after 431 00:21:48,130 --> 00:21:53,210 she listened to the podcast and she, I was like, Oh my gosh, I I 432 00:21:53,210 --> 00:21:55,170 think I overstepped. Was this wrong? 433 00:21:55,170 --> 00:21:58,850 I can't believe I sent you a piece of artwork and one just 434 00:21:58,850 --> 00:22:03,170 forced you to be my friend. And I was like, Oh my gosh. 435 00:22:03,210 --> 00:22:06,470 I was like. It made me feel so close to him 436 00:22:06,750 --> 00:22:10,270 to get to get to know you, even though we still have not met in 437 00:22:10,270 --> 00:22:12,790 person yet. But she sent me this beautiful 438 00:22:12,790 --> 00:22:17,590 piece of art that she painted for Toby or the made her think 439 00:22:17,590 --> 00:22:18,990 of Toby. Yeah, I got a lot. 440 00:22:18,990 --> 00:22:24,150 I have a lot of people took the time to write me a letter, which 441 00:22:24,150 --> 00:22:29,670 you never get anymore. And sharing who Hunter was to 442 00:22:29,670 --> 00:22:30,550 them. Yeah. 443 00:22:30,550 --> 00:22:33,620 And they were people that I didn't even know, people that he 444 00:22:33,620 --> 00:22:37,060 had worked with or even. I love that he helped one of my 445 00:22:37,060 --> 00:22:41,260 sister's friends when she was starting a business kind of get 446 00:22:41,260 --> 00:22:45,340 going and and was mentoring her a little bit and she wrote this 447 00:22:45,340 --> 00:22:49,180 really long sweet letter and I treasure those. 448 00:22:49,180 --> 00:22:53,380 I've got them in a little box in my bedroom and my hope or my 449 00:22:53,380 --> 00:22:57,780 plan is at some point I will make a book for each kid because 450 00:22:58,700 --> 00:23:01,540 their their memories get. Funny, did that they they 451 00:23:01,540 --> 00:23:05,230 solicited. People to write something about 452 00:23:05,230 --> 00:23:08,110 him and made a book for the Yeah, that's something that's 453 00:23:08,110 --> 00:23:08,910 oh. That's nice. 454 00:23:08,910 --> 00:23:12,350 People from before he and I met, people from high school, people 455 00:23:12,350 --> 00:23:14,150 from college. I need to do that I have. 456 00:23:14,150 --> 00:23:16,350 And his his parents. I'm very grateful they 457 00:23:16,350 --> 00:23:18,390 spearheaded that effort and did that for me. 458 00:23:18,390 --> 00:23:19,710 Yeah, yeah. And for the kids. 459 00:23:19,910 --> 00:23:23,670 My friends set up like cards at the memorial that people took 460 00:23:23,670 --> 00:23:28,150 with them, and I actually, like, got a card in the mail like. 461 00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:30,600 Maybe like a year ago. No way. 462 00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:33,880 It's been like five years. That somebody, that's awesome. 463 00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,000 And if you're listening and you're thinking, oh, I should 464 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:38,000 have done that, do it now. Do it. 465 00:23:38,000 --> 00:23:41,440 Do it now. Because it's just as special now 466 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:44,440 as it would have been back then. Maybe even more special because 467 00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:46,560 you don't feel like people remember. 468 00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:50,680 And be specific, my next door neighbor, they had moved off and 469 00:23:50,680 --> 00:23:53,080 I think they think they came to the funeral, but I hadn't seen 470 00:23:53,080 --> 00:23:55,920 her in quite a while and she wrote me the sweetest. 471 00:23:56,330 --> 00:23:59,490 Most detailed about she said. I saw all over the way he looked 472 00:23:59,490 --> 00:24:03,090 at you and and I saw the way that he spoke to you when you 473 00:24:03,090 --> 00:24:04,810 were out with the kids playing in the. 474 00:24:05,210 --> 00:24:08,610 And I thought, wow, all that time you know I had made a 475 00:24:08,610 --> 00:24:10,770 dialogue in my head that she thought I was some kind of dim 476 00:24:10,770 --> 00:24:12,610 you know, whatever, that I'm just playing with the kids in 477 00:24:12,610 --> 00:24:15,370 the yard. And it was not at all that she 478 00:24:15,370 --> 00:24:17,570 wrote the sweet letter. So if you're if you know, if 479 00:24:17,570 --> 00:24:19,770 you're a listener and you have someone that's had something 480 00:24:19,770 --> 00:24:22,610 tragic. Be specific like she did. 481 00:24:22,610 --> 00:24:24,090 It was. I have treasured. 482 00:24:24,170 --> 00:24:26,490 I've kept all of them, but that one's my favorite. 483 00:24:26,490 --> 00:24:29,730 Well, because I don't know about you guys, I'm sure you had these 484 00:24:29,730 --> 00:24:34,690 thoughts after Hunter died. I felt like a lot of my memories 485 00:24:34,690 --> 00:24:39,250 died because the only two people that had some of those memories 486 00:24:39,690 --> 00:24:44,050 were him and I, and we knew how we were as a couple. 487 00:24:44,450 --> 00:24:47,210 We knew what we did for each other inside. 488 00:24:47,930 --> 00:24:50,770 Yeah, all of that. I would make inside jokes and 489 00:24:50,770 --> 00:24:53,050 then I'd be like, oh, he's not here, he doesn't get. 490 00:24:53,210 --> 00:24:54,370 The birth of your baby? Nobody. 491 00:24:54,370 --> 00:24:55,690 Would get the referee. Was there? 492 00:24:55,690 --> 00:24:57,810 Yeah, yeah. The birth of the babies, the 493 00:24:57,810 --> 00:25:02,720 inside jokes that nobody gets. So if you have a memory, 494 00:25:02,840 --> 00:25:07,160 especially she gave you the gift of a memory of the two of you. 495 00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:08,640 Yeah. I mean, and so I don't. 496 00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:10,520 Even know she was paying attention, right? 497 00:25:10,920 --> 00:25:13,800 So that is really special because nobody know. 498 00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:17,560 No, in my mind nobody knows. Especially here because he was 499 00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:18,600 dead. Nobody knew him. 500 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:19,240 Here. I. 501 00:25:19,240 --> 00:25:22,160 Forgot to add, she even sent a picture and it was about just a 502 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,800 couple of months ago because she knew Ryder graduated and her son 503 00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:28,590 graduated the year prior. It was us at her house at 504 00:25:28,590 --> 00:25:30,750 Halloween and it was it's because I guess she didn't have 505 00:25:30,750 --> 00:25:33,870 a lot of pictures of me and all over together and her son. 506 00:25:33,870 --> 00:25:37,190 I think she used it for some of his like graduation something or 507 00:25:37,190 --> 00:25:39,990 other and happened to notice he's and mailed it to me out of 508 00:25:39,990 --> 00:25:40,990 the blue. That is so. 509 00:25:41,190 --> 00:25:43,390 Thank. You, Amanda Iyer Ward, because. 510 00:25:43,390 --> 00:25:45,670 When you read her books by the way photos and you see 511 00:25:45,670 --> 00:25:48,550 something, yeah, you said, reader being, what are her 512 00:25:48,550 --> 00:25:50,750 books? Amanda Iyer Ward Sleep toward 513 00:25:50,750 --> 00:25:54,770 heaven is the first one. I'll never that we are full of 514 00:25:54,770 --> 00:25:58,650 information for you guys, not only on the podcast but on 515 00:25:58,650 --> 00:26:01,330 Instagram. We're getting a website set up 516 00:26:01,330 --> 00:26:04,570 and we will just have so many resources for you. 517 00:26:04,810 --> 00:26:10,090 So continue to listen, follow us, comment, review, shoot us a 518 00:26:10,090 --> 00:26:13,770 DM, but don't be gross. Bye. 519 00:26:14,690 --> 00:26:15,490 Gross, Not there, guys.