You found us. I'm so glad you did, but I am
sorry that you had to. Who are we?
I'll tell you what. We're not, we're not old, we're
not boring and we're not giving up, we're for mother's.
All living in Austin introduced to each other because we all
share a similar tragedy, her husband's died unexpectedly and
in the prime of their lives. So, come on into our widows
Circle where trauma meets humor and we remind you that you can
not only survive. I've but Thrive, this is every
Widow thing. Welcome to every Widow thing on
this episode Kyra, is going to be sharing her story of the day.
That her husband died. We feel like it's important to
share these stories because number one, it gives you a
little insight into what we've been going through.
But it also lets people here that even with something
extremely traumatic you can survive and that's the whole
point of this. Podcast, we appreciate Kira that
you're going to share this story.
We know some bits may be hazy whether it's because of grief or
in your situation, you were hospitalized.
So, we will give you Grace and please always me.
Yes. All right, yeah, so my husband
died, in June of 2014. It was the 21st of June.
We had just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary on June 2nd.
And Then Frank's birthday was June 11th.
We sent our older two kids off to sleep away camp for two
weeks. Aislinn was 11 and it was her
second time at the camp second summer and Thomas was going for
the first time. He was nine years old, we put
the kids on the bus, they got off and then it's just me and
Karis at home. She's four and a half and Frank
was traveling. He was being recruited actually.
Can New York City for the CEO position and so that has kind of
been the discussion in our house was you know, we've been in
Austin about for years and it would be moving possibly moving
back to the East Coast with that would look like I was sort of
reluctant At first. I felt like I didn't want to
move the kids we'd settled in, we'd make good friends and then
I thought about it and I said, hey you know what, you work hard
if this is your dream job. I support you 100%.
Sent I love you. We'll make it work, and that was
just kind of our relationship. Like, he worked really hard.
He took care of us and I wanted to support him in any way that I
could. So we had pretty much made the
decision. Yeah, we had kind of had.
I was that initial like, oh my God, we're moving again and then
I got on board and so then he actually was in New York City.
I think in the final round of interviews with this company,
they said you're our FrontRunner and then he flies back.
To Austin the night before we had to pick up the kids.
So he gets home, we could have bed early got up really early
because the camps about three hours outside of the city and
the Hill Country. And you're the parent, pick-up
is around 8:30 9:00 a.m., so I'm throwing all the snacks and the
iPads and all the goodies and the dark.
Yeah. And then I've got my four year
old. So she's got all her gear and
some stuffed animals and things like that.
And we get on the road and how long had the kids been at Camp
two weeks. Okay.
So yeah. So they hadn't seen right?
They saw their dad. There are two weeks prior that's
correct. Okay, yeah.
And then he'd been out of town, so he hadn't.
It was sort of me and Karis and that final week.
So we get on the road, it's dark, it's five, ish.
And then about a half hour or so, outside of town were on this
road, 290 West, it's a two-way kind of Way country Highway
little bit hilly and he, and I are talking about the move back
and we were talking about, you know, if we go back to New York
City, like what area we go back to Montclair, where we lived
before, we try to live in the city will be try, something
else. And I just sort of, fortunately,
I kind of remember him smiling at me.
He was a very upbeat positive guy and he, I just remember
he's, we're probably joking about something.
And he's looking at me and smiling at me and then it was
just Blackness and I was kind of tumbling in Blackness.
This is a little hard to talk about but what happened was we
were like I said on this kind of hilly section of the road and
someone was traveling in the opposite direction, actually in
our lane, and this gentleman had been up like on a bender all
night drinking. I'd gotten on the freeway in the
opposite direction was going about 100 miles an hour and he
just took us out. I mean, we didn't see it coming.
The police officers told me much later that Frank had tried to
swerve at the end but it was all.
Yeah, it was just kind of like and they're not even sure if he
had his headlights on. So that was another piece.
It sounds like he didn't if You had no indication.
Well sometimes when you're coming over arise you wouldn't
as he's going 100 miles an hour and Ryan even matter.
Yeah, you can't. Who can come in with that?
I mean, it was when I say I don't know where it was out of
nowhere. Then I kind of regain
Consciousness in the in the vehicle.
And the first thing was, I heard Kara's crying and I just had
this mom like crazy mom. Gut instinct was like, I've got
to get to my baby, I've got to use my baby.
I remember I was kind of on my stomach, the car had rolled and
I'm trying to get to her, you know, your I'm having this
out-of-body experience. I'm in shock and my whole arm is
just like this noodle, it was shattered, and I couldn't, I was
trying to use my arm to kind of get to her where I could hear
her crime. My arms covered in blood, I'm
trying to get to her, I We even see Frank at this point.
We're here, huh? So that's ensue, some difficult
moments. I ultimately heard people
outside the car and I just started screaming like get my
baby out, get my baby out, get my baby out and then they got
Karis out, and I just kind of like, gave up in that moment.
I could see just and I'm grateful for this, I could only
see part of Frank's leg. So, I kind of feel grateful that
you know my last image of him really was that kind of smiling
chatting, laughing face and I saw the leg, my brain just
couldn't process. What was going on with him.
I was so focused on my child and then the car the car started to
catch on fire and then I caught on fire and that was pretty
horrifying. And your brain knew it was,
probably you knew that you were on.
Fire. Oh yeah.
You don't not. No, no.
I didn't know how the way your daughter and her Stein.
I can kind of laugh about it. I've had some trauma therapy.
That helps me but yeah that was intense to say the least.
So I catch on fire and then I feel this cooling people were
clearly outside the vehicle with fire extinguishers.
I don't know if the EMS is on site at that point, I can't
really remember, you know? Well obviously, A, I was who got
Caris out. I don't know if it was police or
EMS or firefighters, she was out because I remember just this
overwhelming the relief that she was alive, right?
Because I heard her crying. And then the relief when she was
removed from the car. And then at that point, I was
just kind of like the adrenaline steam over.
Yeah, game over. I was having a lot of trouble
breathing. I, you know had multiple
multiple multiple injuries and I was later told by surgeons and
medical staff that several of my injuries people just do not come
off the road, they just don't make it.
So by the grace of God, I am in the car, drag it out, I'm in the
car, and these are just what I remember.
I mean, I have no idea how long I have no idea who was there.
I have no idea what was going on, really?
But I do remember the fire extinguishers.
Put out was mostly my lower my left leg, put out the fire and
then this firefighter EMT is standing outside of the open
window, and they call or calling in the accident and they say
injured, woman injured child and one DOA.
And I was like, oh my God, because I'm absorbing this
information that Frank is dead and so that happens.
And then the next thing I know, there's this gentleman.
I don't know if it was the back of the car, the side of the car,
who's in the window, with a big old, firefighter hat, like an
old-school, firefighter hat, and he is trying to talk to me and
he's trying to get me out of the car and he's saying, you know,
what's your name and stay with me and all those things?
And I mean I think I'm saying but I can barely get words out
at this point. And the last thing I remember is
they just they're pulling me and I don't know how that even
worked because both of my arms were shattered and both of my
legs were shattered and so I don't even know where they were
pulling me from. But I was pulled.
I remember there was a lot of glass.
I remember the smell of the burning and the metal and all of
it. And that's it.
I don't remember anything from that point until waking up in
the hospital. Probably Only five to six days
later or something like that here is, was that a different
hospital, right? She was life-flighted to Dell
Children's and I was life flighted to what was
Brackenridge and is now the UT. Yeah, it's actually been torn
down. That's so they had to tell you.
Your daughter was at a different hospital when you woke up five
days later or yes. Apparently, someone was just
telling me this. I would lighten the mood for a
second. Apparently, he's pleased to get
out right. A friend was just telling me
last week that when I was intubated, I was in and out in,
and out, in and out, and the people around me.
So, there was a whole other team, if people with Karis
friends, family with Kara's. And then there was a whole team
of people around me. And then the people with me,
were would say, I'd wake up and I would try to, I would try to
ask about Frank and they would immediately say, you know, Karis
is a cake. Here's a cake.
Harris is okay, because she was very critical, but no one wanted
to tell me that because I was very critical.
So, it was kind of like, my mom told me later, you know, we
didn't know if I was going to live and said, they were sort of
spoon feeding me information as needed.
And, you know, my mom said it was so hard because we had to
say Frank can't be here right now.
You know, he can't cares. His, okay.
Frank can't be here right now. And I guess, you know, somewhere
in my subconscious I was like Shit, you know something,
because I knew you heard. I had already heard that I knew,
but I didn't want it to be. I didn't want it to be true.
So every time I came out of unconscious, I would ask for him
and everyone was like we'd all look at each other and say,
who's going to tell her, you know, what are we doing here?
Like what do we say? We told you um you know, I think
it must have been my dad. My dad was the first person I
saw when I finally woke woke. I think, you know, he told Old
me. But I mean, I don't know about
you guys. I just still couldn't process it
for a long time. I mean, I still thought he was
like, maybe alive for like a really long time, right.
I'm embarrassed to say, how long that went on, but I was on a lot
of drugs on. I was, I was on a lot of drugs.
I was my body. You know, had been just smashed
to pieces and there was a lot of trauma there.
So, yeah, I just rain is also trying to say I couldn't write
for all three. Reading that book, I think, I
don't know if you were to body keeps the score body keeps the
score because it's it's trying to protect you from all the
damage at one time. That's why people go into shock.
Yes. It saves you from having all
that information at one time because you can't handle it.
I definitely did not accept that at the time, I'm glad your dad
was the one that told you, you have a good relationship with.
Yeah. My dad was the first person I
saw when I woke up and again, you know, they kept telling me I
hadn't. Seen my kids.
I know they were picked up a camp by other families that were
there. They also went through their
own, really difficult day of driving home with other
families, you know, they're at Camp.
Their parents don't show up they don't know what's going on.
Some of the families didn't know what was going on.
They came back to Tarrytown to a friend's house, the priest came
from our church down the road and they were told, so I didn't
even get to tell my kids what was going on that their dad had
died Carol. They knew that day.
They yes they were told earlier that day my guess of course
because yeah. They're like here are my
parents. Yeah, yep.
And then, I know, you know, again, I'm an ICU.
So I don't know the timeline on all that, but I know it was
later that day and I don't know when my parents arrived, I know
that they were called And told to get they were they live in
Alexandria? Virginia said, in the area where
I grew up and they had to get on a flight I know they got in a
fight like immediately and yeah. So I wake up my dad tells me and
then I just was fighting for my life still.
I was kind of you know, had many many many internal injuries.
I had Burns. I had broken bones.
I just had Has in and out, there were so many people to that were
there to visit, and I remember people had to stand outside of
the the room and kind of police that a little bit because people
would come in and try to talk to me, I would literally just pass
out in the middle of a conversation.
I mean, I was just so exhausted and on a lot of medication and
then I'm trying to remember when I saw the kids, I think they
didn't want me, they didn't want the kids to see me until I was a
little more stable. So my gosh, that was Probably a
week and a half. Wow.
In the meantime, my husband's family comes to Austin.
They my father-in-law and my sister-in-law that they take
care of everything. They handled the funeral
services, they don't understand why.
Created a, did you do it? Did you do a second funeral?
So you know, it's interesting because I'm coming up on with
this years. Nine years, I thought like at
ten years, I never had anything And they had this service within
a week, no one was there. Except for my 11 year old
daughter. She's the only one, my son could
not handle it and my, you know, my best friend from back home
was with them. And she just said, he's not
going, he can stay with me, did anybody?
And maybe you've never had this conversation.
But did anybody tell Frank's parents?
Hey, this probably isn't a good idea right now because you can
what I do. People that hate him no idea to
do a celebration of life. They went away cremated or baby
was cremated. Okay?
I had I know it did, they were in their own grief and they
thought I do not hold any resentment.
I just want to say towards them for any of that.
I mean, if I had been in a position to discuss it, I may
have said, hey let's hold off and wait until we can all be
present but they did. What they felt that, you know,
needed to happen at the time and did your friends attend?
Yes. Oddly enough.
I was just recently going through the closet and found the
guest book and I mean, there were so many people there.
I haven't been able to look through a lot of those things.
I'm sure you guys can relate and I was just going through that
guest book and I was like, oh my gosh, they were there.
And they were there because he ran in Austin, as, you know,
summer was kind of in full swing.
Our kids get out early June and like East Coast, which is sort
of later in June and people were, you know, I can't
traveling on vacation. And so I was kind of amazed to
see how many people actually were in town and did attend and
I have a video of it. I know it was.
People said it was amazing. Have you watched the video I
have? Yeah, that's hard.
I know nine years out of my can oh I don't know.
The grief hits. That's an intense feeling and it
takes you right back to that fair.
I just talking about it here takes you right back to that.
And that ends is just as intense today, nine years, 11 years,
five years, six years, 25 years, you know, it's actually
sometimes worse. I was trying to explain this to
somebody shock, it's a protector.
Yeah. But you don't have that ability
anymore because when that wears off than it all comes rolling in
and it's like a tidal wave that Apple's you under.
So I had so much buffering me in That period of time because it
was that mean I had. Well, I was on a lot.
I was on a lot of Dilaudid. I had multiple surgeries.
I mean, the, the team of doctors that would come in multiple
times a day and say, this is what we're doing next.
This is what we have to repair. This is, you know, the next
steps, the wound care people, the surgeries.
And then after that, it was rehab and all kinds of things.
So I was very much. I knew in my heart, I had to get
back to my kids. That's what I was going to ask,
where your mental state was. I'm sure it fluctuated from day
to day, but was it always, I got to get back to my kids always
and they put a, this photo, the nurses put at some amazing
nurses, they put this picture of the kids up in the room and that
was kind of my motivating. I just wanted to get well and
back to my kids. Little did I know like how long
of a road that really was? I just Of couldn't even absorb
all of the damage that has been done to my body.
They told my parents, I might not walk again.
I mean, they were looking for a liver transplant, it was a lot.
And so there's cure, I said this, I was just about to ask
social with her physically. Well, I remember this very
clearly. I was told, like I said,
initially, you know, she's fine, she's fine, she's fine.
She's at Dell Children's, there's was a team.
I mean, I had friends round-the-clock spending the
night with her because it's like my family's really small.
So my mom's kind of home with the big kids.
My dad was with me, mostly advocating on for me and then it
was friends and family with Karis and it was a team of
people that would spend the night there, you know, on a pad
in her room or so Karis, a suffered, some broken bones, one
arm weight, both arms, one leg. She had a liver laceration that
was less severe than mine. Fortunately some, you know, some
fractures to her face and things like that and she had a head
trauma. She had a brain injury with a
bleed and later I found out. She had something called an
internal decapitation, which is a pretty horrifying term.
Yeah, and adults. Don't generally survive.
I think in children. It's about 20%.
It might even be less her head. Just kind of came off from the
force of her. Her neck and she was not stable
and this was the critical piece that people didn't really tell
me. But a couple weeks, later a
surgeon from Dell came to see me at Breckenridge because you're
not making any medical decisions for her.
I was not right. I mean up until this point,
right? They came and said, you know,
they were kind of waiting to see if the ligaments would kind of
re Tamp down and kind of stabilized but it wasn't
happening and so the Surgeon came from Dell and spoke to me
in the hospital and just said, we have to do this like, pretty
major surgery on your child and we wanted to speak to the mother
and they just said, you know, we have to fuse these vertebra
otherwise she's just not going to be stable.
And I remember just saying, well you know, what are the
Alternatives? And they said really not, you
know if she's not stable then she could be paralyzed.
And I just said, go ahead and do it.
Fortunately that went well and that He's kind of the only time
when I kind of realized, you know, this is pretty serious,
what she had gone through as well.
So she really did take quite a blow in the car.
I mean it sounds like you all should have died.
That's really what I keep thinking of me.
The blessing is You all didn't die.
Yeah. And he took the brunt could have
protected her. Yeah, no, of course.
But I, you know, in my mind I ultimately did come to feel as
though he said I'll go lie, you know, save them, that's kind of
really just how I feel in my heart and the fact that my kids
were not orphaned that day, I mean, there was a lot of
discussion around behind the scenes, think God or not.
I was blissfully unaware of just all the other trauma that was
going on, in terms of like, trying to locate our will and
who would take over the children and what would happen?
Did you guys have a will? We had a will that was kind of
in the, we were in the process of sort of tinkering and getting
it finalized. So we had one, but it wasn't
signed dotted. And and that's a big mistake for
all you listeners. Get your, get your grill Get
your paperwork in order. Yeah.
That ended up being a massive headache for me.
So, how is Karis now how she doing now?
Physically Carris is great. She's really great.
The kid is just tough and she, yeah, she's just a gift, he's a
badass. So everything in her neck,
everything fused back together and she's good, or, well, she
has like some limited range of motion.
Can she do a cartwheel at one point?
I had her in tumbling and kissed her Little friend was doing
tumbling and and the, the other dad of the friend is a
neurosurgeon and he was like, what is Karis doing in this
tumbling class? Get her out of this time with my
kids, mediately do you have to forget?
I just thought early on put her and swim because her her range
of motion, she can turn her head sort of 3/4 to the right.
She's not going to be thank God. They have backup cameras in the
car right now. So she's not going to be doing
pulling the like behind All the way around.
Yeah. To back up the car I would say.
That's the only real physical limitation and then, you know,
that the head trauma has created some, you know, learning
challenges and Regulatory challenges for her that she's
amazing. And but when you meet her, she's
none of that comes across. If you do not know her story,
you do not get, she's spirited, she's beautiful and fun, and I
feel like all your kids are like that.
I really, I don't think all of our kids, we're very Fortunate
all of us. Nobody would look at our kid
and, you know, any of our kids and be like, oh well, they've
been through some shit but they have.
Yeah. And continue to go through shit.
They're resilient, they really are.
And thank God, you know, I thought I've thought about a
million things like one point. I was like, well, maybe I, you
know what, if I'd been driving and Frank was such an amazing
dad? I mean, I know you guys didn't
know him but he was just loved being a dad and he was an
amazing Um, Dad. And I thought cashing out and
your low moments are like, oh, he'd be doing a better job and
I'm doing right now. How are you physically now?
I mean, you look great. And I've seen you dance, so you
have, I don't think, I don't think you have any physical
limitations anymore. We used to SoulCycle together
this group. So, yeah, I know me.
That was before me, I don't don't cycle.
This is more W. Only the blinds of three blondes
used to saw it. Every Friday together.
That was so much fun. It was so much fun.
I have a Peloton now I still like to cycle.
I gave up running but yeah, I can I just I just kind of do
most most. Everything else really try to
keep my muscles strong to support my all my bones because
they're all they all, you know, are compromised.
Now, you have most part the X disease.
Oh yeah. I also have an honor.
Wasn't was that least of my worries and I didn't know if an
auto immune System could be Jarred, I don't know.
Now that I've been through all this other stuff that's just
kind of an afterthought. But isn't that kind of the
beauty of some of the tragedies? Some of the things we thought I
remember Holly you and I talking about this.
He said, I thought, I had anxiety before all this
happened. I mean true, I was worrying
about stupid things and now that wouldn't even register with me
because like all of us have been through something so much.
That's one of the things I really try to look.
Get the blessings. What are where's the light and
all this darkness and you guys are one, but perspective is one
and I lose it. Still, you know, and have to
remind myself, especially like the sunshine of the group
Whitney I've while you're toxic positivity, which is something I
know it's not all good for you, but there are some blessings and
in this and, you know, we're all going through things right now
that aren't to do with the death.
Death of a husband, but when you don't have a partner to help you
deal with it, whether it's sick parents or teenagers or whatever
else, other losses have a colonoscopy Friday that sorry.
I'm actually jealous, I got my befall, my boyfriend's gonna
take me but, you know, before I got em I'm in a relationship
now. But before that, I would have
called one of you guys and said, hey who wants to take me to my
colonoscopy? Yeah.
Because you really have to rely on your friends and People and
I, you know, I leaned on people a ton a ton.
I relied on Uber a lot too because if a lot of people were
working and busy sometimes, that's that was how I got to the
dentist. Yeah, you know or I like to take
Xanax when I go to the dentist. Very oh my God.
I think we all say we've been through hard things and we know
we're strong enough to handle whatever is coming next.
So So for those of you that are listening, even if in this
moment because we don't always feel strong, but you need to
know that you're going to be okay, and we're living proof of
that that you're going to go through hard stuff, but you can
survive it and thrive in it. I know.
I keep saying that people are going to roll their eyes survive
and thrive, but that is the biggest truth.
Yeah, we have our down days still, but we still have a lot
of good days too. Yeah.
And that's what we want to remind.
People that are in the darkness right now, and I think the best
thing is you got to find your people.
I think that's what we all want to stress.
That you can listen to our podcast, you can also look at
the Instagram, but mind your people.
I think it's really important and with that, thank you, cara.
That was real hero. That's a hard one, not fun to
talk about that, but we people always want to know.
They want to know what happened, and they want to know the
details and the and it's every, it's every family's nightmare I
know. Not every family's nightmare but
I'm no them Community family's nightmare.
There were people that were like oh my God and you know talk
about being like that family and that everyone knowing her story.
Well it's good and bad. I know you talked about like
switching schools and with my kids a son had just switched to
school and I think in that man that school really embraced us,
she was at Saint Andrew's Episcopal which I'm going to
shout out to them because they embraced our family and in a way
It was nice for me because I didn't have to be meeting new
people all the time and saying and explaining myself right so
everyone just knew the deal and didn't have to me and the kids
didn't have to kind of like explain it.
Yeah. Yeah.
I love the whole thing about this podcast.
That's really cools a were all very different and how we
handled it was very different. Hmm.
Yeah.