1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,200 You found us. I'm so glad you did, but I am 2 00:00:04,200 --> 00:00:06,800 sorry that you had to. Who are we? 3 00:00:07,300 --> 00:00:10,600 I'll tell you what. We're not, we're not old, we're 4 00:00:10,600 --> 00:00:14,400 not boring and we're not giving up, we're for mother's. 5 00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:17,200 All living in Austin introduced to each other because we all 6 00:00:17,200 --> 00:00:22,000 share a similar tragedy, her husband's died unexpectedly and 7 00:00:22,000 --> 00:00:25,100 in the prime of their lives. So, come on into our widows 8 00:00:25,100 --> 00:00:28,600 Circle where trauma meets humor and we remind you that you can 9 00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:34,100 not only survive. I've but Thrive, this is every 10 00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:37,900 Widow thing. Welcome to every Widow thing on 11 00:00:37,900 --> 00:00:42,600 this episode Kyra, is going to be sharing her story of the day. 12 00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:45,600 That her husband died. We feel like it's important to 13 00:00:45,608 --> 00:00:48,300 share these stories because number one, it gives you a 14 00:00:48,300 --> 00:00:50,800 little insight into what we've been going through. 15 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:54,900 But it also lets people here that even with something 16 00:00:54,900 --> 00:00:58,700 extremely traumatic you can survive and that's the whole 17 00:00:58,700 --> 00:01:02,400 point of this. Podcast, we appreciate Kira that 18 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:03,700 you're going to share this story. 19 00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:08,000 We know some bits may be hazy whether it's because of grief or 20 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,800 in your situation, you were hospitalized. 21 00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:14,700 So, we will give you Grace and please always me. 22 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:18,300 Yes. All right, yeah, so my husband 23 00:01:18,300 --> 00:01:24,400 died, in June of 2014. It was the 21st of June. 24 00:01:24,500 --> 00:01:29,300 We had just celebrated our 13th wedding anniversary on June 2nd. 25 00:01:29,300 --> 00:01:33,200 And Then Frank's birthday was June 11th. 26 00:01:34,000 --> 00:01:38,000 We sent our older two kids off to sleep away camp for two 27 00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:41,600 weeks. Aislinn was 11 and it was her 28 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:45,700 second time at the camp second summer and Thomas was going for 29 00:01:45,700 --> 00:01:48,300 the first time. He was nine years old, we put 30 00:01:48,300 --> 00:01:52,000 the kids on the bus, they got off and then it's just me and 31 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:56,700 Karis at home. She's four and a half and Frank 32 00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:59,800 was traveling. He was being recruited actually. 33 00:02:00,100 --> 00:02:04,000 Can New York City for the CEO position and so that has kind of 34 00:02:04,008 --> 00:02:08,300 been the discussion in our house was you know, we've been in 35 00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:11,800 Austin about for years and it would be moving possibly moving 36 00:02:11,800 --> 00:02:15,200 back to the East Coast with that would look like I was sort of 37 00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:17,900 reluctant At first. I felt like I didn't want to 38 00:02:17,900 --> 00:02:22,700 move the kids we'd settled in, we'd make good friends and then 39 00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:26,200 I thought about it and I said, hey you know what, you work hard 40 00:02:26,300 --> 00:02:29,800 if this is your dream job. I support you 100%. 41 00:02:29,900 --> 00:02:31,900 Sent I love you. We'll make it work, and that was 42 00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:35,100 just kind of our relationship. Like, he worked really hard. 43 00:02:35,100 --> 00:02:38,800 He took care of us and I wanted to support him in any way that I 44 00:02:38,800 --> 00:02:40,500 could. So we had pretty much made the 45 00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:43,200 decision. Yeah, we had kind of had. 46 00:02:43,900 --> 00:02:47,600 I was that initial like, oh my God, we're moving again and then 47 00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:51,600 I got on board and so then he actually was in New York City. 48 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:56,300 I think in the final round of interviews with this company, 49 00:02:56,300 --> 00:02:59,800 they said you're our FrontRunner and then he flies back. 50 00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:03,200 To Austin the night before we had to pick up the kids. 51 00:03:03,300 --> 00:03:07,700 So he gets home, we could have bed early got up really early 52 00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:10,700 because the camps about three hours outside of the city and 53 00:03:10,700 --> 00:03:13,300 the Hill Country. And you're the parent, pick-up 54 00:03:13,300 --> 00:03:18,800 is around 8:30 9:00 a.m., so I'm throwing all the snacks and the 55 00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:21,400 iPads and all the goodies and the dark. 56 00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,400 Yeah. And then I've got my four year 57 00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:26,900 old. So she's got all her gear and 58 00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:29,300 some stuffed animals and things like that. 59 00:03:29,900 --> 00:03:33,100 And we get on the road and how long had the kids been at Camp 60 00:03:33,300 --> 00:03:34,200 two weeks. Okay. 61 00:03:34,900 --> 00:03:37,700 So yeah. So they hadn't seen right? 62 00:03:37,700 --> 00:03:40,300 They saw their dad. There are two weeks prior that's 63 00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:41,400 correct. Okay, yeah. 64 00:03:41,900 --> 00:03:44,300 And then he'd been out of town, so he hadn't. 65 00:03:44,300 --> 00:03:46,300 It was sort of me and Karis and that final week. 66 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:49,800 So we get on the road, it's dark, it's five, ish. 67 00:03:50,000 --> 00:03:55,000 And then about a half hour or so, outside of town were on this 68 00:03:55,000 --> 00:04:01,800 road, 290 West, it's a two-way kind of Way country Highway 69 00:04:02,700 --> 00:04:06,800 little bit hilly and he, and I are talking about the move back 70 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:10,000 and we were talking about, you know, if we go back to New York 71 00:04:10,000 --> 00:04:13,300 City, like what area we go back to Montclair, where we lived 72 00:04:13,300 --> 00:04:16,100 before, we try to live in the city will be try, something 73 00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:19,899 else. And I just sort of, fortunately, 74 00:04:19,899 --> 00:04:22,500 I kind of remember him smiling at me. 75 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:27,500 He was a very upbeat positive guy and he, I just remember 76 00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:29,700 he's, we're probably joking about something. 77 00:04:29,900 --> 00:04:35,800 And he's looking at me and smiling at me and then it was 78 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:40,600 just Blackness and I was kind of tumbling in Blackness. 79 00:04:40,900 --> 00:04:45,800 This is a little hard to talk about but what happened was we 80 00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:50,100 were like I said on this kind of hilly section of the road and 81 00:04:50,500 --> 00:04:54,800 someone was traveling in the opposite direction, actually in 82 00:04:54,800 --> 00:04:59,100 our lane, and this gentleman had been up like on a bender all 83 00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:03,000 night drinking. I'd gotten on the freeway in the 84 00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:06,400 opposite direction was going about 100 miles an hour and he 85 00:05:06,400 --> 00:05:10,200 just took us out. I mean, we didn't see it coming. 86 00:05:11,700 --> 00:05:18,200 The police officers told me much later that Frank had tried to 87 00:05:18,300 --> 00:05:21,700 swerve at the end but it was all. 88 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:25,500 Yeah, it was just kind of like and they're not even sure if he 89 00:05:25,500 --> 00:05:28,400 had his headlights on. So that was another piece. 90 00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:31,800 It sounds like he didn't if You had no indication. 91 00:05:32,200 --> 00:05:35,200 Well sometimes when you're coming over arise you wouldn't 92 00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:38,300 as he's going 100 miles an hour and Ryan even matter. 93 00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:39,900 Yeah, you can't. Who can come in with that? 94 00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,700 I mean, it was when I say I don't know where it was out of 95 00:05:42,700 --> 00:05:45,800 nowhere. Then I kind of regain 96 00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:48,000 Consciousness in the in the vehicle. 97 00:05:48,200 --> 00:05:52,600 And the first thing was, I heard Kara's crying and I just had 98 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:56,700 this mom like crazy mom. Gut instinct was like, I've got 99 00:05:56,700 --> 00:05:58,300 to get to my baby, I've got to use my baby. 100 00:05:59,300 --> 00:06:05,300 I remember I was kind of on my stomach, the car had rolled and 101 00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:09,300 I'm trying to get to her, you know, your I'm having this 102 00:06:09,300 --> 00:06:14,000 out-of-body experience. I'm in shock and my whole arm is 103 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:19,900 just like this noodle, it was shattered, and I couldn't, I was 104 00:06:19,900 --> 00:06:24,200 trying to use my arm to kind of get to her where I could hear 105 00:06:24,200 --> 00:06:27,000 her crime. My arms covered in blood, I'm 106 00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:30,500 trying to get to her, I We even see Frank at this point. 107 00:06:30,500 --> 00:06:33,600 We're here, huh? So that's ensue, some difficult 108 00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:37,400 moments. I ultimately heard people 109 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:40,400 outside the car and I just started screaming like get my 110 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:44,800 baby out, get my baby out, get my baby out and then they got 111 00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:50,400 Karis out, and I just kind of like, gave up in that moment. 112 00:06:50,600 --> 00:06:55,300 I could see just and I'm grateful for this, I could only 113 00:06:55,300 --> 00:07:01,100 see part of Frank's leg. So, I kind of feel grateful that 114 00:07:01,300 --> 00:07:04,700 you know my last image of him really was that kind of smiling 115 00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:09,100 chatting, laughing face and I saw the leg, my brain just 116 00:07:09,100 --> 00:07:12,000 couldn't process. What was going on with him. 117 00:07:12,100 --> 00:07:19,600 I was so focused on my child and then the car the car started to 118 00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:24,400 catch on fire and then I caught on fire and that was pretty 119 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:27,400 horrifying. And your brain knew it was, 120 00:07:27,400 --> 00:07:28,700 probably you knew that you were on. 121 00:07:28,900 --> 00:07:30,300 Fire. Oh yeah. 122 00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:32,500 You don't not. No, no. 123 00:07:32,500 --> 00:07:35,600 I didn't know how the way your daughter and her Stein. 124 00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:38,700 I can kind of laugh about it. I've had some trauma therapy. 125 00:07:38,700 --> 00:07:42,800 That helps me but yeah that was intense to say the least. 126 00:07:43,700 --> 00:07:48,000 So I catch on fire and then I feel this cooling people were 127 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:51,200 clearly outside the vehicle with fire extinguishers. 128 00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:56,400 I don't know if the EMS is on site at that point, I can't 129 00:07:56,400 --> 00:08:00,100 really remember, you know? Well obviously, A, I was who got 130 00:08:00,100 --> 00:08:04,100 Caris out. I don't know if it was police or 131 00:08:04,100 --> 00:08:09,200 EMS or firefighters, she was out because I remember just this 132 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:12,700 overwhelming the relief that she was alive, right? 133 00:08:12,700 --> 00:08:16,100 Because I heard her crying. And then the relief when she was 134 00:08:16,100 --> 00:08:19,700 removed from the car. And then at that point, I was 135 00:08:19,700 --> 00:08:22,400 just kind of like the adrenaline steam over. 136 00:08:22,500 --> 00:08:26,900 Yeah, game over. I was having a lot of trouble 137 00:08:26,900 --> 00:08:29,700 breathing. I, you know had multiple 138 00:08:29,700 --> 00:08:35,200 multiple multiple injuries and I was later told by surgeons and 139 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:38,700 medical staff that several of my injuries people just do not come 140 00:08:38,700 --> 00:08:40,900 off the road, they just don't make it. 141 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:47,000 So by the grace of God, I am in the car, drag it out, I'm in the 142 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:49,300 car, and these are just what I remember. 143 00:08:49,300 --> 00:08:52,700 I mean, I have no idea how long I have no idea who was there. 144 00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:55,600 I have no idea what was going on, really? 145 00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:58,700 But I do remember the fire extinguishers. 146 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:04,900 Put out was mostly my lower my left leg, put out the fire and 147 00:09:04,900 --> 00:09:08,800 then this firefighter EMT is standing outside of the open 148 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:15,500 window, and they call or calling in the accident and they say 149 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:19,700 injured, woman injured child and one DOA. 150 00:09:21,300 --> 00:09:26,900 And I was like, oh my God, because I'm absorbing this 151 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:31,900 information that Frank is dead and so that happens. 152 00:09:31,900 --> 00:09:35,600 And then the next thing I know, there's this gentleman. 153 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,400 I don't know if it was the back of the car, the side of the car, 154 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:41,900 who's in the window, with a big old, firefighter hat, like an 155 00:09:41,900 --> 00:09:46,500 old-school, firefighter hat, and he is trying to talk to me and 156 00:09:46,500 --> 00:09:50,800 he's trying to get me out of the car and he's saying, you know, 157 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:54,300 what's your name and stay with me and all those things? 158 00:09:54,300 --> 00:09:58,700 And I mean I think I'm saying but I can barely get words out 159 00:09:58,700 --> 00:10:00,800 at this point. And the last thing I remember is 160 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:04,800 they just they're pulling me and I don't know how that even 161 00:10:04,800 --> 00:10:07,600 worked because both of my arms were shattered and both of my 162 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:09,700 legs were shattered and so I don't even know where they were 163 00:10:09,700 --> 00:10:13,100 pulling me from. But I was pulled. 164 00:10:13,600 --> 00:10:14,900 I remember there was a lot of glass. 165 00:10:14,900 --> 00:10:18,500 I remember the smell of the burning and the metal and all of 166 00:10:18,500 --> 00:10:19,800 it. And that's it. 167 00:10:20,100 --> 00:10:26,100 I don't remember anything from that point until waking up in 168 00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:31,500 the hospital. Probably Only five to six days 169 00:10:31,500 --> 00:10:34,500 later or something like that here is, was that a different 170 00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:37,400 hospital, right? She was life-flighted to Dell 171 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:43,400 Children's and I was life flighted to what was 172 00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:49,000 Brackenridge and is now the UT. Yeah, it's actually been torn 173 00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:50,900 down. That's so they had to tell you. 174 00:10:50,900 --> 00:10:53,700 Your daughter was at a different hospital when you woke up five 175 00:10:53,700 --> 00:10:57,100 days later or yes. Apparently, someone was just 176 00:10:57,100 --> 00:10:58,600 telling me this. I would lighten the mood for a 177 00:10:58,608 --> 00:11:01,100 second. Apparently, he's pleased to get 178 00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:04,100 out right. A friend was just telling me 179 00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:08,300 last week that when I was intubated, I was in and out in, 180 00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:11,100 and out, in and out, and the people around me. 181 00:11:11,100 --> 00:11:13,600 So, there was a whole other team, if people with Karis 182 00:11:13,700 --> 00:11:16,300 friends, family with Kara's. And then there was a whole team 183 00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:19,500 of people around me. And then the people with me, 184 00:11:19,500 --> 00:11:24,600 were would say, I'd wake up and I would try to, I would try to 185 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:29,500 ask about Frank and they would immediately say, you know, Karis 186 00:11:29,500 --> 00:11:30,500 is a cake. Here's a cake. 187 00:11:30,500 --> 00:11:34,600 Harris is okay, because she was very critical, but no one wanted 188 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:36,700 to tell me that because I was very critical. 189 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:39,900 So, it was kind of like, my mom told me later, you know, we 190 00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:42,900 didn't know if I was going to live and said, they were sort of 191 00:11:42,900 --> 00:11:45,700 spoon feeding me information as needed. 192 00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:49,100 And, you know, my mom said it was so hard because we had to 193 00:11:49,100 --> 00:11:51,700 say Frank can't be here right now. 194 00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:54,400 You know, he can't cares. His, okay. 195 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:57,600 Frank can't be here right now. And I guess, you know, somewhere 196 00:11:57,600 --> 00:12:00,800 in my subconscious I was like Shit, you know something, 197 00:12:00,800 --> 00:12:04,600 because I knew you heard. I had already heard that I knew, 198 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:07,100 but I didn't want it to be. I didn't want it to be true. 199 00:12:07,300 --> 00:12:11,800 So every time I came out of unconscious, I would ask for him 200 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:15,000 and everyone was like we'd all look at each other and say, 201 00:12:16,000 --> 00:12:18,400 who's going to tell her, you know, what are we doing here? 202 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:22,900 Like what do we say? We told you um you know, I think 203 00:12:22,900 --> 00:12:25,600 it must have been my dad. My dad was the first person I 204 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:29,200 saw when I finally woke woke. I think, you know, he told Old 205 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,900 me. But I mean, I don't know about 206 00:12:30,900 --> 00:12:33,600 you guys. I just still couldn't process it 207 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:36,100 for a long time. I mean, I still thought he was 208 00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:40,100 like, maybe alive for like a really long time, right. 209 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:44,400 I'm embarrassed to say, how long that went on, but I was on a lot 210 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:47,700 of drugs on. I was, I was on a lot of drugs. 211 00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:51,400 I was my body. You know, had been just smashed 212 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,700 to pieces and there was a lot of trauma there. 213 00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:58,300 So, yeah, I just rain is also trying to say I couldn't write 214 00:12:58,300 --> 00:13:00,000 for all three. Reading that book, I think, I 215 00:13:00,008 --> 00:13:02,700 don't know if you were to body keeps the score body keeps the 216 00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:06,800 score because it's it's trying to protect you from all the 217 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:10,200 damage at one time. That's why people go into shock. 218 00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:12,700 Yes. It saves you from having all 219 00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:15,000 that information at one time because you can't handle it. 220 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:20,300 I definitely did not accept that at the time, I'm glad your dad 221 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,500 was the one that told you, you have a good relationship with. 222 00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:24,100 Yeah. My dad was the first person I 223 00:13:24,100 --> 00:13:28,400 saw when I woke up and again, you know, they kept telling me I 224 00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,100 hadn't. Seen my kids. 225 00:13:30,100 --> 00:13:34,300 I know they were picked up a camp by other families that were 226 00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:36,100 there. They also went through their 227 00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:40,900 own, really difficult day of driving home with other 228 00:13:40,900 --> 00:13:42,500 families, you know, they're at Camp. 229 00:13:42,500 --> 00:13:44,700 Their parents don't show up they don't know what's going on. 230 00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:46,600 Some of the families didn't know what was going on. 231 00:13:47,300 --> 00:13:50,400 They came back to Tarrytown to a friend's house, the priest came 232 00:13:50,900 --> 00:13:54,000 from our church down the road and they were told, so I didn't 233 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:57,400 even get to tell my kids what was going on that their dad had 234 00:13:57,400 --> 00:14:00,600 died Carol. They knew that day. 235 00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:04,200 They yes they were told earlier that day my guess of course 236 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,800 because yeah. They're like here are my 237 00:14:06,800 --> 00:14:08,700 parents. Yeah, yep. 238 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:12,500 And then, I know, you know, again, I'm an ICU. 239 00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:15,900 So I don't know the timeline on all that, but I know it was 240 00:14:15,900 --> 00:14:19,800 later that day and I don't know when my parents arrived, I know 241 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:24,500 that they were called And told to get they were they live in 242 00:14:24,508 --> 00:14:26,700 Alexandria? Virginia said, in the area where 243 00:14:26,708 --> 00:14:30,400 I grew up and they had to get on a flight I know they got in a 244 00:14:30,408 --> 00:14:39,000 fight like immediately and yeah. So I wake up my dad tells me and 245 00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:42,800 then I just was fighting for my life still. 246 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:46,600 I was kind of you know, had many many many internal injuries. 247 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:50,600 I had Burns. I had broken bones. 248 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:54,100 I just had Has in and out, there were so many people to that were 249 00:14:54,100 --> 00:14:56,900 there to visit, and I remember people had to stand outside of 250 00:14:56,900 --> 00:15:01,100 the the room and kind of police that a little bit because people 251 00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:03,800 would come in and try to talk to me, I would literally just pass 252 00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:05,700 out in the middle of a conversation. 253 00:15:05,700 --> 00:15:11,000 I mean, I was just so exhausted and on a lot of medication and 254 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:15,800 then I'm trying to remember when I saw the kids, I think they 255 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:18,700 didn't want me, they didn't want the kids to see me until I was a 256 00:15:18,700 --> 00:15:22,900 little more stable. So my gosh, that was Probably a 257 00:15:22,900 --> 00:15:24,400 week and a half. Wow. 258 00:15:24,700 --> 00:15:28,600 In the meantime, my husband's family comes to Austin. 259 00:15:28,700 --> 00:15:33,300 They my father-in-law and my sister-in-law that they take 260 00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:36,700 care of everything. They handled the funeral 261 00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:39,700 services, they don't understand why. 262 00:15:39,700 --> 00:15:42,900 Created a, did you do it? Did you do a second funeral? 263 00:15:42,900 --> 00:15:47,100 So you know, it's interesting because I'm coming up on with 264 00:15:47,100 --> 00:15:49,200 this years. Nine years, I thought like at 265 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:53,600 ten years, I never had anything And they had this service within 266 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:58,600 a week, no one was there. Except for my 11 year old 267 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:01,100 daughter. She's the only one, my son could 268 00:16:01,100 --> 00:16:05,000 not handle it and my, you know, my best friend from back home 269 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:08,200 was with them. And she just said, he's not 270 00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:10,600 going, he can stay with me, did anybody? 271 00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:13,000 And maybe you've never had this conversation. 272 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,100 But did anybody tell Frank's parents? 273 00:16:16,400 --> 00:16:21,200 Hey, this probably isn't a good idea right now because you can 274 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:23,100 what I do. People that hate him no idea to 275 00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:27,500 do a celebration of life. They went away cremated or baby 276 00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:28,700 was cremated. Okay? 277 00:16:28,900 --> 00:16:32,700 I had I know it did, they were in their own grief and they 278 00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:35,100 thought I do not hold any resentment. 279 00:16:35,100 --> 00:16:37,700 I just want to say towards them for any of that. 280 00:16:37,700 --> 00:16:41,600 I mean, if I had been in a position to discuss it, I may 281 00:16:41,600 --> 00:16:44,300 have said, hey let's hold off and wait until we can all be 282 00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:47,600 present but they did. What they felt that, you know, 283 00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:50,600 needed to happen at the time and did your friends attend? 284 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,400 Yes. Oddly enough. 285 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:55,000 I was just recently going through the closet and found the 286 00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:58,600 guest book and I mean, there were so many people there. 287 00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:01,400 I haven't been able to look through a lot of those things. 288 00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:04,400 I'm sure you guys can relate and I was just going through that 289 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,400 guest book and I was like, oh my gosh, they were there. 290 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:09,800 And they were there because he ran in Austin, as, you know, 291 00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:11,400 summer was kind of in full swing. 292 00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:15,599 Our kids get out early June and like East Coast, which is sort 293 00:17:15,599 --> 00:17:19,700 of later in June and people were, you know, I can't 294 00:17:19,700 --> 00:17:23,700 traveling on vacation. And so I was kind of amazed to 295 00:17:23,700 --> 00:17:26,800 see how many people actually were in town and did attend and 296 00:17:27,500 --> 00:17:29,500 I have a video of it. I know it was. 297 00:17:29,900 --> 00:17:32,500 People said it was amazing. Have you watched the video I 298 00:17:32,500 --> 00:17:35,600 have? Yeah, that's hard. 299 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:47,000 I know nine years out of my can oh I don't know. 300 00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:51,100 The grief hits. That's an intense feeling and it 301 00:17:51,100 --> 00:17:53,100 takes you right back to that fair. 302 00:17:53,100 --> 00:17:56,900 I just talking about it here takes you right back to that. 303 00:17:56,900 --> 00:18:01,900 And that ends is just as intense today, nine years, 11 years, 304 00:18:01,900 --> 00:18:05,100 five years, six years, 25 years, you know, it's actually 305 00:18:05,100 --> 00:18:07,200 sometimes worse. I was trying to explain this to 306 00:18:07,208 --> 00:18:09,500 somebody shock, it's a protector. 307 00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,300 Yeah. But you don't have that ability 308 00:18:11,300 --> 00:18:15,100 anymore because when that wears off than it all comes rolling in 309 00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:18,000 and it's like a tidal wave that Apple's you under. 310 00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:23,700 So I had so much buffering me in That period of time because it 311 00:18:23,700 --> 00:18:26,700 was that mean I had. Well, I was on a lot. 312 00:18:26,700 --> 00:18:29,700 I was on a lot of Dilaudid. I had multiple surgeries. 313 00:18:29,700 --> 00:18:34,800 I mean, the, the team of doctors that would come in multiple 314 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:37,100 times a day and say, this is what we're doing next. 315 00:18:37,100 --> 00:18:40,000 This is what we have to repair. This is, you know, the next 316 00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:43,800 steps, the wound care people, the surgeries. 317 00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:46,500 And then after that, it was rehab and all kinds of things. 318 00:18:46,900 --> 00:18:50,600 So I was very much. I knew in my heart, I had to get 319 00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,600 back to my kids. That's what I was going to ask, 320 00:18:52,600 --> 00:18:56,100 where your mental state was. I'm sure it fluctuated from day 321 00:18:56,100 --> 00:19:00,200 to day, but was it always, I got to get back to my kids always 322 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:04,800 and they put a, this photo, the nurses put at some amazing 323 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:11,200 nurses, they put this picture of the kids up in the room and that 324 00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:15,600 was kind of my motivating. I just wanted to get well and 325 00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:19,000 back to my kids. Little did I know like how long 326 00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:24,400 of a road that really was? I just Of couldn't even absorb 327 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:27,500 all of the damage that has been done to my body. 328 00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:30,300 They told my parents, I might not walk again. 329 00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:34,800 I mean, they were looking for a liver transplant, it was a lot. 330 00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:38,400 And so there's cure, I said this, I was just about to ask 331 00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:41,700 social with her physically. Well, I remember this very 332 00:19:41,700 --> 00:19:43,800 clearly. I was told, like I said, 333 00:19:43,800 --> 00:19:46,200 initially, you know, she's fine, she's fine, she's fine. 334 00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,800 She's at Dell Children's, there's was a team. 335 00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,800 I mean, I had friends round-the-clock spending the 336 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:54,200 night with her because it's like my family's really small. 337 00:19:54,200 --> 00:19:56,800 So my mom's kind of home with the big kids. 338 00:19:57,100 --> 00:20:01,900 My dad was with me, mostly advocating on for me and then it 339 00:20:01,900 --> 00:20:06,100 was friends and family with Karis and it was a team of 340 00:20:06,100 --> 00:20:10,100 people that would spend the night there, you know, on a pad 341 00:20:10,100 --> 00:20:18,300 in her room or so Karis, a suffered, some broken bones, one 342 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:24,200 arm weight, both arms, one leg. She had a liver laceration that 343 00:20:24,200 --> 00:20:27,900 was less severe than mine. Fortunately some, you know, some 344 00:20:27,900 --> 00:20:30,800 fractures to her face and things like that and she had a head 345 00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:32,400 trauma. She had a brain injury with a 346 00:20:32,408 --> 00:20:37,500 bleed and later I found out. She had something called an 347 00:20:37,500 --> 00:20:40,800 internal decapitation, which is a pretty horrifying term. 348 00:20:40,900 --> 00:20:43,900 Yeah, and adults. Don't generally survive. 349 00:20:43,900 --> 00:20:46,500 I think in children. It's about 20%. 350 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:50,400 It might even be less her head. Just kind of came off from the 351 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:54,500 force of her. Her neck and she was not stable 352 00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:57,000 and this was the critical piece that people didn't really tell 353 00:20:57,000 --> 00:21:00,300 me. But a couple weeks, later a 354 00:21:00,300 --> 00:21:04,800 surgeon from Dell came to see me at Breckenridge because you're 355 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:07,400 not making any medical decisions for her. 356 00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,500 I was not right. I mean up until this point, 357 00:21:10,500 --> 00:21:12,300 right? They came and said, you know, 358 00:21:12,300 --> 00:21:15,600 they were kind of waiting to see if the ligaments would kind of 359 00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:20,000 re Tamp down and kind of stabilized but it wasn't 360 00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:24,900 happening and so the Surgeon came from Dell and spoke to me 361 00:21:24,900 --> 00:21:27,400 in the hospital and just said, we have to do this like, pretty 362 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:31,100 major surgery on your child and we wanted to speak to the mother 363 00:21:31,100 --> 00:21:34,700 and they just said, you know, we have to fuse these vertebra 364 00:21:34,700 --> 00:21:37,200 otherwise she's just not going to be stable. 365 00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:39,500 And I remember just saying, well you know, what are the 366 00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:42,900 Alternatives? And they said really not, you 367 00:21:42,900 --> 00:21:45,700 know if she's not stable then she could be paralyzed. 368 00:21:45,700 --> 00:21:48,600 And I just said, go ahead and do it. 369 00:21:48,600 --> 00:21:53,200 Fortunately that went well and that He's kind of the only time 370 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:57,200 when I kind of realized, you know, this is pretty serious, 371 00:21:57,300 --> 00:21:59,400 what she had gone through as well. 372 00:21:59,700 --> 00:22:03,900 So she really did take quite a blow in the car. 373 00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:06,900 I mean it sounds like you all should have died. 374 00:22:07,800 --> 00:22:10,000 That's really what I keep thinking of me. 375 00:22:10,000 --> 00:22:13,900 The blessing is You all didn't die. 376 00:22:13,900 --> 00:22:16,500 Yeah. And he took the brunt could have 377 00:22:16,500 --> 00:22:19,900 protected her. Yeah, no, of course. 378 00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:24,000 But I, you know, in my mind I ultimately did come to feel as 379 00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:31,600 though he said I'll go lie, you know, save them, that's kind of 380 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:35,000 really just how I feel in my heart and the fact that my kids 381 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:38,300 were not orphaned that day, I mean, there was a lot of 382 00:22:38,300 --> 00:22:43,600 discussion around behind the scenes, think God or not. 383 00:22:43,600 --> 00:22:48,000 I was blissfully unaware of just all the other trauma that was 384 00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:51,300 going on, in terms of like, trying to locate our will and 385 00:22:51,300 --> 00:22:54,600 who would take over the children and what would happen? 386 00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:58,100 Did you guys have a will? We had a will that was kind of 387 00:22:58,100 --> 00:23:02,600 in the, we were in the process of sort of tinkering and getting 388 00:23:02,600 --> 00:23:05,300 it finalized. So we had one, but it wasn't 389 00:23:05,300 --> 00:23:09,500 signed dotted. And and that's a big mistake for 390 00:23:09,500 --> 00:23:12,500 all you listeners. Get your, get your grill Get 391 00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:14,100 your paperwork in order. Yeah. 392 00:23:14,100 --> 00:23:17,000 That ended up being a massive headache for me. 393 00:23:17,300 --> 00:23:19,800 So, how is Karis now how she doing now? 394 00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:23,000 Physically Carris is great. She's really great. 395 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:28,900 The kid is just tough and she, yeah, she's just a gift, he's a 396 00:23:28,908 --> 00:23:31,000 badass. So everything in her neck, 397 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,400 everything fused back together and she's good, or, well, she 398 00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,100 has like some limited range of motion. 399 00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:39,200 Can she do a cartwheel at one point? 400 00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:43,100 I had her in tumbling and kissed her Little friend was doing 401 00:23:43,100 --> 00:23:47,400 tumbling and and the, the other dad of the friend is a 402 00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:51,000 neurosurgeon and he was like, what is Karis doing in this 403 00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:53,700 tumbling class? Get her out of this time with my 404 00:23:53,700 --> 00:23:56,400 kids, mediately do you have to forget? 405 00:23:56,500 --> 00:24:02,300 I just thought early on put her and swim because her her range 406 00:24:02,300 --> 00:24:06,000 of motion, she can turn her head sort of 3/4 to the right. 407 00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:08,900 She's not going to be thank God. They have backup cameras in the 408 00:24:08,900 --> 00:24:10,800 car right now. So she's not going to be doing 409 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:13,300 pulling the like behind All the way around. 410 00:24:13,300 --> 00:24:15,500 Yeah. To back up the car I would say. 411 00:24:15,500 --> 00:24:18,800 That's the only real physical limitation and then, you know, 412 00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:22,800 that the head trauma has created some, you know, learning 413 00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:26,700 challenges and Regulatory challenges for her that she's 414 00:24:26,700 --> 00:24:29,000 amazing. And but when you meet her, she's 415 00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:32,100 none of that comes across. If you do not know her story, 416 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:36,100 you do not get, she's spirited, she's beautiful and fun, and I 417 00:24:36,100 --> 00:24:38,500 feel like all your kids are like that. 418 00:24:39,100 --> 00:24:42,800 I really, I don't think all of our kids, we're very Fortunate 419 00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:45,100 all of us. Nobody would look at our kid 420 00:24:45,100 --> 00:24:48,100 and, you know, any of our kids and be like, oh well, they've 421 00:24:48,100 --> 00:24:51,500 been through some shit but they have. 422 00:24:51,500 --> 00:24:54,400 Yeah. And continue to go through shit. 423 00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:56,000 They're resilient, they really are. 424 00:24:56,000 --> 00:24:59,500 And thank God, you know, I thought I've thought about a 425 00:24:59,500 --> 00:25:03,400 million things like one point. I was like, well, maybe I, you 426 00:25:03,400 --> 00:25:06,600 know what, if I'd been driving and Frank was such an amazing 427 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,400 dad? I mean, I know you guys didn't 428 00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:11,900 know him but he was just loved being a dad and he was an 429 00:25:11,900 --> 00:25:14,800 amazing Um, Dad. And I thought cashing out and 430 00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:17,300 your low moments are like, oh, he'd be doing a better job and 431 00:25:17,300 --> 00:25:22,200 I'm doing right now. How are you physically now? 432 00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:25,700 I mean, you look great. And I've seen you dance, so you 433 00:25:25,700 --> 00:25:30,800 have, I don't think, I don't think you have any physical 434 00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:33,500 limitations anymore. We used to SoulCycle together 435 00:25:33,500 --> 00:25:35,600 this group. So, yeah, I know me. 436 00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:37,800 That was before me, I don't don't cycle. 437 00:25:37,800 --> 00:25:41,300 This is more W. Only the blinds of three blondes 438 00:25:41,300 --> 00:25:43,200 used to saw it. Every Friday together. 439 00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:45,400 That was so much fun. It was so much fun. 440 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:49,000 I have a Peloton now I still like to cycle. 441 00:25:49,500 --> 00:25:53,600 I gave up running but yeah, I can I just I just kind of do 442 00:25:53,600 --> 00:25:56,900 most most. Everything else really try to 443 00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:01,800 keep my muscles strong to support my all my bones because 444 00:26:02,000 --> 00:26:04,300 they're all they all, you know, are compromised. 445 00:26:04,300 --> 00:26:06,600 Now, you have most part the X disease. 446 00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:08,000 Oh yeah. I also have an honor. 447 00:26:08,000 --> 00:26:11,300 Wasn't was that least of my worries and I didn't know if an 448 00:26:11,300 --> 00:26:15,500 auto immune System could be Jarred, I don't know. 449 00:26:15,700 --> 00:26:18,800 Now that I've been through all this other stuff that's just 450 00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:20,900 kind of an afterthought. But isn't that kind of the 451 00:26:20,900 --> 00:26:23,800 beauty of some of the tragedies? Some of the things we thought I 452 00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:25,900 remember Holly you and I talking about this. 453 00:26:25,900 --> 00:26:28,800 He said, I thought, I had anxiety before all this 454 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:31,000 happened. I mean true, I was worrying 455 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:35,700 about stupid things and now that wouldn't even register with me 456 00:26:35,700 --> 00:26:38,700 because like all of us have been through something so much. 457 00:26:38,700 --> 00:26:42,200 That's one of the things I really try to look. 458 00:26:42,400 --> 00:26:44,900 Get the blessings. What are where's the light and 459 00:26:44,900 --> 00:26:49,900 all this darkness and you guys are one, but perspective is one 460 00:26:49,900 --> 00:26:52,800 and I lose it. Still, you know, and have to 461 00:26:52,800 --> 00:26:55,800 remind myself, especially like the sunshine of the group 462 00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:59,600 Whitney I've while you're toxic positivity, which is something I 463 00:26:59,600 --> 00:27:04,900 know it's not all good for you, but there are some blessings and 464 00:27:04,900 --> 00:27:08,900 in this and, you know, we're all going through things right now 465 00:27:09,300 --> 00:27:12,100 that aren't to do with the death. 466 00:27:12,300 --> 00:27:15,200 Death of a husband, but when you don't have a partner to help you 467 00:27:15,200 --> 00:27:19,800 deal with it, whether it's sick parents or teenagers or whatever 468 00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:26,100 else, other losses have a colonoscopy Friday that sorry. 469 00:27:26,100 --> 00:27:28,600 I'm actually jealous, I got my befall, my boyfriend's gonna 470 00:27:28,600 --> 00:27:32,800 take me but, you know, before I got em I'm in a relationship 471 00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:34,500 now. But before that, I would have 472 00:27:34,500 --> 00:27:36,900 called one of you guys and said, hey who wants to take me to my 473 00:27:36,900 --> 00:27:38,200 colonoscopy? Yeah. 474 00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:43,500 Because you really have to rely on your friends and People and 475 00:27:43,500 --> 00:27:47,600 I, you know, I leaned on people a ton a ton. 476 00:27:47,900 --> 00:27:51,000 I relied on Uber a lot too because if a lot of people were 477 00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,800 working and busy sometimes, that's that was how I got to the 478 00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:56,900 dentist. Yeah, you know or I like to take 479 00:27:56,900 --> 00:27:59,000 Xanax when I go to the dentist. Very oh my God. 480 00:28:05,500 --> 00:28:09,800 I think we all say we've been through hard things and we know 481 00:28:09,800 --> 00:28:12,000 we're strong enough to handle whatever is coming next. 482 00:28:12,000 --> 00:28:15,400 So So for those of you that are listening, even if in this 483 00:28:15,400 --> 00:28:19,500 moment because we don't always feel strong, but you need to 484 00:28:19,500 --> 00:28:23,900 know that you're going to be okay, and we're living proof of 485 00:28:23,900 --> 00:28:28,300 that that you're going to go through hard stuff, but you can 486 00:28:28,300 --> 00:28:30,600 survive it and thrive in it. I know. 487 00:28:30,600 --> 00:28:33,000 I keep saying that people are going to roll their eyes survive 488 00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:36,300 and thrive, but that is the biggest truth. 489 00:28:36,300 --> 00:28:39,300 Yeah, we have our down days still, but we still have a lot 490 00:28:39,300 --> 00:28:40,900 of good days too. Yeah. 491 00:28:41,000 --> 00:28:42,200 And that's what we want to remind. 492 00:28:42,300 --> 00:28:46,200 People that are in the darkness right now, and I think the best 493 00:28:46,300 --> 00:28:47,900 thing is you got to find your people. 494 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:50,000 I think that's what we all want to stress. 495 00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:52,800 That you can listen to our podcast, you can also look at 496 00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:55,600 the Instagram, but mind your people. 497 00:28:55,700 --> 00:28:59,300 I think it's really important and with that, thank you, cara. 498 00:28:59,300 --> 00:29:03,000 That was real hero. That's a hard one, not fun to 499 00:29:03,000 --> 00:29:06,000 talk about that, but we people always want to know. 500 00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:08,200 They want to know what happened, and they want to know the 501 00:29:08,200 --> 00:29:11,600 details and the and it's every, it's every family's nightmare I 502 00:29:11,600 --> 00:29:13,800 know. Not every family's nightmare but 503 00:29:13,800 --> 00:29:16,300 I'm no them Community family's nightmare. 504 00:29:16,300 --> 00:29:20,400 There were people that were like oh my God and you know talk 505 00:29:20,400 --> 00:29:24,500 about being like that family and that everyone knowing her story. 506 00:29:25,100 --> 00:29:28,300 Well it's good and bad. I know you talked about like 507 00:29:28,300 --> 00:29:32,900 switching schools and with my kids a son had just switched to 508 00:29:32,900 --> 00:29:35,900 school and I think in that man that school really embraced us, 509 00:29:35,900 --> 00:29:38,000 she was at Saint Andrew's Episcopal which I'm going to 510 00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:42,100 shout out to them because they embraced our family and in a way 511 00:29:42,200 --> 00:29:46,000 It was nice for me because I didn't have to be meeting new 512 00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:50,300 people all the time and saying and explaining myself right so 513 00:29:50,300 --> 00:29:55,000 everyone just knew the deal and didn't have to me and the kids 514 00:29:55,100 --> 00:29:57,500 didn't have to kind of like explain it. 515 00:29:57,500 --> 00:29:58,600 Yeah. Yeah. 516 00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:01,200 I love the whole thing about this podcast. 517 00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:04,100 That's really cools a were all very different and how we 518 00:30:04,100 --> 00:30:06,100 handled it was very different. Hmm. 519 00:30:06,200 --> 00:30:06,600 Yeah.