1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:04,160 Young widows, we're brushed aside, we're swept under the rug 2 00:00:04,160 --> 00:00:07,280 or hurry up and get married again, move on with your life, 3 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:09,760 get over it. And I don't think people are 4 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:12,400 like looking at what that really means. 5 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:14,080 What what does that mean for someone that's gone through it? 6 00:00:14,080 --> 00:00:16,360 What does that mean for their family dynamic? 7 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:17,720 What does that mean for their kids? 8 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:19,400 What does that mean for their friendships? 9 00:00:19,840 --> 00:00:24,640 The whole 9 yards. This is every widow thing you. 10 00:00:26,240 --> 00:00:28,760 Guys, Whitney here, before you get started on this awesome 11 00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:32,240 episode, we wanted to acknowledge that there are some 12 00:00:32,240 --> 00:00:34,840 sound issues. We are working on the problem 13 00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:38,040 and we appreciate your patience. Now let's get to the episode. 14 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:43,240 It is early February. There's a lot going on in the 15 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:46,880 world and we're just going to get together and talk about the 16 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:50,680 start of 2025, what that looks like for us, what we're doing to 17 00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:56,360 cope with our widowhoodness and which we still are and. 18 00:00:56,640 --> 00:00:59,120 They didn't come back. Up with each other like we 19 00:00:59,120 --> 00:01:03,160 haven't been cured well. Polly decided you decided to go 20 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:05,600 back on the dating apps. I don't know why. 21 00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:08,480 Well, I, I do it too. It's like you get on and then 22 00:01:08,480 --> 00:01:10,320 you get disheartened and then you get off and then you're 23 00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,280 like, whoa, I need to find someone. 24 00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:15,800 I don't know how. I read that January is sort of 25 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:18,800 like, you know, gym memberships is a big influx of people, and 26 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:21,920 maybe you told me that big influx of people getting on. 27 00:01:22,320 --> 00:01:24,920 Oh, that online that makes sense for the first time. 28 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:27,520 Or going back to it to just see what's out there. 29 00:01:27,840 --> 00:01:32,240 I may not be the most positive representative for got on a 30 00:01:32,240 --> 00:01:33,520 different. App that I. 31 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:37,640 Lot been on and do and I. Say the name of that. 32 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:41,080 Hinge. I hadn't been on hinge and y'all 33 00:01:41,080 --> 00:01:42,400 were like you should get on hinge. 34 00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:44,320 Hinge was my. Favorite mine too. 35 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:47,760 It's the same people and the same photos we've. 36 00:01:47,760 --> 00:01:50,440 Had Brendan, Yeah. I mean, a few new people were 37 00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:53,240 hinged, but not many. What happened? 38 00:01:53,240 --> 00:01:56,400 Because after the day you texted us and you're just like, I 39 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:59,560 should have never gone. I spent more time figuring out 40 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:03,720 we're thinking about what I was going to wear that I actually on 41 00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:05,760 the date. Yeah, so walk us through. 42 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:11,840 So I was like, he recommended meeting at Jeffrey's, which I 43 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:13,520 was like. That is very high. 44 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:16,640 Wanky first day. So I was like, OK, this is good. 45 00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:20,040 Well, first of all, I know you can't go to Jeffrey's without a 46 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:25,840 reservation, but I kept my mouth shut and I was like, he's like, 47 00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:27,320 we'll find a table. I'm like, great. 48 00:02:27,320 --> 00:02:31,280 And I got there 1st and it was an hour wait and I was like, hi. 49 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:36,080 And so then he got, he arrived and the Hostess is like saying, 50 00:02:36,080 --> 00:02:40,280 you know, it's an hour wait. So then he we walk outside and 51 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:44,200 he asked the ballet, is there another bar around here? 52 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:47,200 And I was like, Josephine House is right next door. 53 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,960 We could just go there 'cause OK, I got it back up. 54 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:51,960 I got it back up. Let me ask you this. 55 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:55,840 Were you in a better frame of mind when you first got there, 56 00:02:55,840 --> 00:02:58,120 or were you already perturbed because you knew? 57 00:02:58,120 --> 00:03:04,080 Oh no no, no, I'm, I'm OK. So he pulls up in a red Porsche, 58 00:03:04,680 --> 00:03:07,360 like he wants to be seen clearly. 59 00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:10,000 I'm like, whatever. And he gets out and I'm like, 60 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:13,040 OK, He's kind of he's kind. Of hot Is it Jake Ryan? 61 00:03:15,560 --> 00:03:20,440 So anyway, his red Porsche stays sitting in the valet area. 62 00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:23,960 I'll get back to that later. So then we go to Josephine House 63 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:26,640 and it's nice. We sit outside. 64 00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:28,720 They they're like we have a table or dad. 65 00:03:28,720 --> 00:03:32,200 It was a beautiful night and the conversation's good. 66 00:03:32,200 --> 00:03:36,240 Like, I mean, I, I thought it was great conversation, although 67 00:03:36,240 --> 00:03:40,760 it was mostly by him. I learned a whole lot about him. 68 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:43,880 He didn't ask me many questions. But a lot of men, when they're 69 00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:46,080 nervous, that's what they do and they're trying to impress. 70 00:03:46,160 --> 00:03:50,200 You Yeah, right. So I I thought it was going 71 00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:53,000 fine. And kids, our kids are around 72 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:57,280 the same age. He threw in something he said 73 00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:03,760 about his he said something like after my wife died and it was 74 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,800 telling a story. So I was like, OK, OK, his wife 75 00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:12,680 died and I kept wanting to come back and say, you know, how did 76 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:16,480 your wife die? But I could never find a wait 77 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:18,320 you. Never went back and said I'm a 78 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:20,200 widow. He didn't ever know. 79 00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:23,440 No, he never gave me the opportunity, Whitney. 80 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:26,600 He asked me, OK, when we first sat down, he was like, did you 81 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:28,440 work today? And I said yes. 82 00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:30,400 And he didn't even ask me what I do. 83 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:32,440 Like it was a little bit awkward. 84 00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:37,560 Like like I never had this opportunity to say I'm a widow. 85 00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:40,640 And like he never, he wasn't saying my wife died. 86 00:04:40,640 --> 00:04:43,840 My wife died. Like he was telling a story and 87 00:04:43,840 --> 00:04:47,000 it was related to after my wife died, we moved. 88 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:51,400 He went on with his story about him and his life and everything 89 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:55,160 he does. And he was telling me like he 90 00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:58,160 works from home. Remember this, He works from 91 00:04:58,160 --> 00:05:00,840 home. He'd been home working all day. 92 00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:04,160 Just remember that this. Picture after me. 93 00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:05,040 Oh, this? Don't. 94 00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:08,360 Worry I I Detective Holly found Mary. 95 00:05:08,440 --> 00:05:10,240 We should just pull it up right now. 96 00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,800 Now I'm dying to know because it sounds like he's trying to 97 00:05:12,800 --> 00:05:16,640 impress you to me. So then and like, I mean, we had 98 00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:18,240 one drink. I mean, I felt like the 99 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:23,640 conversation was flowing well and enjoyable, like I was having 100 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:28,440 a good time or a nice time and wanted like I wanted to keep 101 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:31,080 going. Like I wanted to find out how 102 00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:34,280 his wife died and tell him I'm a widow. 103 00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:37,640 Like I wanted to get further into the conversation. 104 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:43,040 And then the the waitress came over and he did the like, you 105 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:46,000 know the sign, Bring me the check just in the air. 106 00:05:46,440 --> 00:05:50,040 After one drink. After one drink and he's like, 107 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:54,600 I've got to get home. We had to get home to take care 108 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:57,360 of his dogs, even though he works from home. 109 00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:01,200 And he'd been home and I was like, you know, OK, great, you 110 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:03,240 know. And then he started talking 111 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:07,960 about, he was telling me about his car and how he drives a 112 00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:13,280 certain car when he's going to valet it, because if he drives a 113 00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:18,240 certain car, he can pull up to the valet and they will let him 114 00:06:18,240 --> 00:06:21,880 stay parked there. And I was like. 115 00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:25,160 So he's a little bit. Other a. 116 00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:29,560 Very arrogant, yeah. Very arrogant and y'all. 117 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:31,480 Were supposed to go back to Jeffrey's. 118 00:06:31,680 --> 00:06:34,400 Well, I'd gotten the notification that the table was 119 00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:36,080 ready. And I was like, oh, the table's 120 00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:37,640 ready. Do you want to go? 121 00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:43,320 And I mean, we both still had, you know, most of our drink. 122 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:46,600 And I was like, you know, he's like, well, it's nice here. 123 00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:47,720 And I was like, yeah, it's great. 124 00:06:47,720 --> 00:06:49,400 I mean, we were sitting outside. It was nice. 125 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,080 It was the day. Hour and a. 126 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:55,840 Half so then that's hurtful. Were you hurt then, or were you 127 00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:58,400 still? Well, I, I was like, you know, 128 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,640 hey, I'm going to let you go, get back to, you know, get home 129 00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:06,800 to your dogs because he, you know, he paid the chat and then 130 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:10,280 we walked back to Jeffrey's, to the valet where his car was 131 00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:12,480 parked right in front. Like right on the grass or 132 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,720 something right there. And he gave me a hug and I, you 133 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:21,920 know, laughed and I just got my car and I was like, what a waste 134 00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:25,920 of my time. What a total waste of my time. 135 00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:31,160 And it just like, just like made me so mad that I, I left work 136 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:33,200 early so I could go home and get ready. 137 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:38,280 And I changed five times and put. 138 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:41,440 Me in he'd been a widower, is what I I was curious about. 139 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:43,760 Think amount of time is me. So then you go. 140 00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:46,080 Home and you start. You put on your detective hat. 141 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:49,080 Anybody who says they don't do that is a liar. 142 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:52,920 It just sounds like it was super disrespectful that you didn't 143 00:07:52,920 --> 00:07:57,360 even get a chance to talk much. The whole date was him, and then 144 00:07:57,360 --> 00:07:59,560 he made the decision that you weren't a good fit when you 145 00:07:59,560 --> 00:08:01,440 didn't even have a chance, right? 146 00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:04,360 And so did he text you later or not anything? 147 00:08:04,360 --> 00:08:08,320 So did you done did? You text him the next. 148 00:08:08,560 --> 00:08:14,560 Evening because I think it's shitty to go on a date on an 149 00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:19,320 through the app and then not close it off like send me a 150 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:23,360 comment like it was nice, wasn't it wasn't it and that's fine 151 00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:25,160 it's. Just it's gotten so commonplace 152 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:29,160 that people can be so rude. It was rude and all I said when 153 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:34,039 I I was like, you know what, just because this is what I want 154 00:08:34,039 --> 00:08:36,840 to do. I was like, it was nice meeting 155 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:39,320 you and maybe like hope you had a good weekend. 156 00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:42,159 That was it. I used to do that like for 157 00:08:42,159 --> 00:08:44,360 myself. Yeah, that's what I I was like, 158 00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:47,600 I have to do this. For me, maybe the guy was a jerk 159 00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:50,200 or wasn't a fit. It's just kind of how you're 160 00:08:50,200 --> 00:08:54,160 raised, you know? Like I would either say it 161 00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:55,560 wasn't. It was so nice to meet you. 162 00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:57,520 Thank you for the drink. Wasn't a good fit. 163 00:08:57,520 --> 00:08:59,640 Just. Yeah, like you said, just common 164 00:08:59,680 --> 00:09:03,040 polite. I've been on the other side too, 165 00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:06,040 though, where, like, I can tell it's not going to work. 166 00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:09,400 And then I just am uncomfortable and I get out of there and, 167 00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:11,560 like, one guy texted me right away and. 168 00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:13,920 And I said, you know, thank you for the date. 169 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,000 I don't think it's a good fit because, yeah, I could tell that 170 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:19,080 by the way you zoomed out of the parking lot in your car. 171 00:09:19,080 --> 00:09:21,200 And I was like. Sorry about that. 172 00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:23,200 Yeah. But then he went on to like get 173 00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:25,600 all angry and be rude on text and I was like. 174 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:26,920 Oh, I know who you're talking about. 175 00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:30,600 Angry people also, even when I didn't do anything wrong. 176 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,320 But maybe I just said, oh, it's not a good time. 177 00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:35,800 I have little kids. This week is not going to work 178 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:37,000 for me. Yeah. 179 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:39,080 And then the whole, you know, well, why are you even on the 180 00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:41,920 app if you can't make time? And I, I just think it's 181 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:46,760 different if you're a widow and you're a full time mom, then if 182 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:50,480 you're divorced and you maybe have that week off or some days 183 00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:53,640 off where you can play on dates. But I never really had that. 184 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,720 And so sometimes it's just really hard to juggle. 185 00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:58,840 Well, you kind of feel bad because I'm talking about like 186 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:00,160 closing it out. Right. 187 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:02,320 And how many people did you ghost this week? 188 00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:07,440 Oh, no, not any, but I had one the one guy that I. 189 00:10:07,680 --> 00:10:09,440 Was the boat. Guy thought the Colorado. 190 00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:14,080 Didn't Oh, this is a guy I mean I met a while ago in camper. 191 00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:18,440 No, I got nuts for so many people and I the guy that I went 192 00:10:18,440 --> 00:10:22,800 to stepping with and he listened to our podcast and like he's a 193 00:10:22,800 --> 00:10:27,120 nice guy, but I and I never completely cut it off. 194 00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:31,520 I was just like I just didn't feel romantic connection but I 195 00:10:31,520 --> 00:10:35,600 enjoyed the company like 2 stepping and stuff so I never 196 00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,280 like. Did he text you recently? 197 00:10:37,440 --> 00:10:40,360 No, not recently. Well, if you go to Don's Depot. 198 00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:44,040 I know it's just I don't have a romantic connection and so and 199 00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:47,240 if he's listening, I'm sorry. That's the hard part. 200 00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:49,600 And like, you know, look, it's going to happen. 201 00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:53,040 Not everyone is going to, you know, be attracted to us and 202 00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:54,760 we're not going to be attracted to everybody. 203 00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:59,000 The issue is how do you handle because obviously he was ready 204 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:01,720 to go, but he hurt your feelings. 205 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:04,960 But I do. I've done that too, where I'm 206 00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:06,560 nice to meet you. OK, got to go. 207 00:11:06,560 --> 00:11:09,520 Bye. I did kind of learned that I 208 00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:12,960 can't, I have to say I'm too much of A people pleaser. 209 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:16,440 And in the beginning, I would agree to a second date, even 210 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,240 though I knew, like in person, right? 211 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:20,080 Even though I knew. I'm the same way. 212 00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:21,320 I'm the same way. Ready. 213 00:11:21,520 --> 00:11:26,440 For that second date. But I did then learn, realize 214 00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:29,960 that it's kinder to not, you know, lead someone on. 215 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:33,560 It's kinder to be upfront about. I know, but respond in the app 216 00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:38,360 and and and respond to me and say I didn't feel a connection. 217 00:11:38,360 --> 00:11:41,840 I wish you all the best. Yeah, bye. 218 00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:45,000 And then I you know. Then be an adult about it. 219 00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:50,120 But I remember, Kira, you saying something where like at overtime 220 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:53,920 you stopped obsessing. Like right now I feel like the 221 00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:58,200 dates are few and far between. Like you really are trying to be 222 00:11:58,200 --> 00:12:02,680 picky about who you go out with. So every date seems like a a 223 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:06,160 huge deal of like everything is on the line. 224 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,720 Like this could be the one. And I remember you saying you 225 00:12:08,720 --> 00:12:10,640 got to a point where you're like, yeah, I'm not even putting 226 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:11,920 on makeup. I. 227 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:15,600 I mean, what are the jokes with me and Brendan in our first date 228 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:19,880 is that I didn't really dress up or do a lot of makeup or 229 00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:22,360 anything. Yeah, kind of rolled in the way 230 00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:25,000 I've been running around that day and then texted my friends 231 00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:27,680 from the bathroom like, Oh my gosh, this guy's really cute. 232 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:31,840 And I like, I phoned in something like my my look 233 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,920 because I got tired of. Yeah, just. 234 00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,480 Sort of. Well, and I'd kind of wished I'd 235 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:37,640 done that. Really, we have to get to a 236 00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:40,680 point where it's just like either it's kind of like with 237 00:12:40,680 --> 00:12:43,360 auditioning. You go in thinking, you know 238 00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:45,360 what? If it's mine, I'm going to get 239 00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:47,480 it. If it's not mine, let it. 240 00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:50,440 Go. And you don't because when you 241 00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:54,240 care so much and you want to find that next great partner. 242 00:12:54,360 --> 00:12:56,800 And that's part of the issue too, because we're coming from a 243 00:12:56,800 --> 00:13:01,480 place of having great partners and you want to have that again. 244 00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:06,680 And you put, so you put all your eggs in that one basket. 245 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:10,240 I'm a I'm pretty guilty of, I think it happened with Oliver 246 00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:11,880 too. I was always the type that if 247 00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:14,360 it's not there on the first day, I'm out. 248 00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:18,720 And I had a, the therapist that I the only one that I really saw 249 00:13:18,720 --> 00:13:21,040 for, you know, that was really good was Cheryl. 250 00:13:21,040 --> 00:13:23,600 And she said some people are a slow burn. 251 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,600 You really do have to get to know some people. 252 00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:28,960 And as you get to know them, they, you know, they turn to 253 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:31,080 this wonderful person, not necessarily turn into, but you 254 00:13:31,080 --> 00:13:33,120 see all there's like what? He didn't give you the 255 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:35,440 opportunity to see what a wonderful person you are. 256 00:13:35,920 --> 00:13:38,200 I was guilty of that. And Oliver was part of the 257 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,440 problem because it was immediate. 258 00:13:40,480 --> 00:13:44,520 I saw him in the elevator and it was, I mean, electricity. 259 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,680 So after that I'm kind of like, oh, I guess that's the way it's 260 00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:49,200 supposed to be. If it doesn't knock me over, 261 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:52,080 then I can move on. So that's why I've been on 262 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:53,520 probably over 61st date. Well. 263 00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:55,800 I was about to say in a way, don't you kind of think it's a 264 00:13:55,800 --> 00:14:01,000 numbers game some too? Like the more you go out, the 265 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:03,760 less of a deal it's going to be that you have a date because 266 00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:06,120 you've been going on a lot of dates and then you can be 267 00:14:06,120 --> 00:14:09,760 pleasantly surprised versus trying to pick the perfect 268 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:11,960 person look. It's like practicing anything 269 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:12,840 else. I know. 270 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:18,120 And I think that's why a lot of us, it's hard and you know it. 271 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,080 It's also hard when you're grieving and you're still in 272 00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:26,000 love with your dead husband. And so it's kind of like I would 273 00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:27,800 do sort of like what Holly is doing. 274 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:31,680 Like I would have like a few weeks where I would try and go 275 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:33,920 on some things and then you have to take a break. 276 00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:37,080 And then I would talk myself back up until like, let's go 277 00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:38,240 back out and see what's out there. 278 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:39,320 Let's try again. And. 279 00:14:39,560 --> 00:14:44,560 Remind us, how many guys did you go out with and kind of start a 280 00:14:44,560 --> 00:14:46,920 relationship with before Brendan? 281 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,000 I would say 2. OK. 282 00:14:49,160 --> 00:14:51,520 And that's in. One was somebody I named from my 283 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:55,520 past or how long and then the other one was maybe about seven 284 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:59,560 months, but that was interesting about that one was it just never 285 00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:02,000 progressed the. Forward. 286 00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:05,880 Guy or or I'm not going to say who it is or the other, the 287 00:15:06,080 --> 00:15:08,640 lawyer, right? I remember once I met Brendan, 288 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:11,160 things were progressing with him the way I remember progressing 289 00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,640 with Frank. Like some of these men you meet, 290 00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:18,120 they're not really ready, and so they want to just have someone. 291 00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:22,600 And it's nice for a while just to have a partner to go out to 292 00:15:22,600 --> 00:15:25,400 dinner with and, you know, go see concerts or whatever. 293 00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:28,680 But I was really looking for that progression. 294 00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:30,920 Like, are my feelings growing or his feelings growing? 295 00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:34,400 Or you've talked about your relationship stalling out for a 296 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,000 while now. Now you're rowing. 297 00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:38,800 Now you're leaning in. Well, and this guy's defense, 298 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,360 and God knows he needs one. He's also a widower. 299 00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:45,440 He may be quasi dating too. Like not sure he he's ready for 300 00:15:45,440 --> 00:15:46,400 The Who knows? Yeah. 301 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:49,560 Right, spit it. And and say, look, you were 302 00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:53,240 exactly who he was looking for. And it freaked him out and he 303 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:54,960 couldn't handle it and he's not ready. 304 00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:58,000 So he got the check and he ran. So that was red Porsche. 305 00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,920 She was red Porsche and his dog. Zoomed away, but think of 306 00:16:00,920 --> 00:16:03,240 something. Like though, you don't know, I 307 00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:06,440 mean, he is. I mean, hey, he's if you're kind 308 00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:09,480 of new to it still and you're around the same amount of time 309 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:12,240 being a widower, he may have waited a long time to date too. 310 00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:14,200 By at the end of the day he was rude. 311 00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:16,560 He was woe. There's no don't be rude if 312 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:19,280 you're going to go out there, don't be gross, recognized, 313 00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,960 legal, typical for everybody and just be kind. 314 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:25,520 Well, I had one funny thing happened that made me realize 315 00:16:25,520 --> 00:16:28,480 that guys can be kind of mean. There was one day. 316 00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:32,840 I may have said this before, but he drove up in a souped up car. 317 00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:36,200 It's like $150,000 car. And I was like, great, not my 318 00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:39,440 type. I like low key quiet and kind of 319 00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:42,160 mysterious like Oliver. So we go to the bar at Ichiko, 320 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:44,560 we're sitting there and he's ordering all this stuff for me. 321 00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:46,840 And I was like, wait a minute, I have an opinion on what I want 322 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:50,040 to order. So one of my friends texted me 323 00:16:50,040 --> 00:16:52,880 at the same time, sending me an order. 324 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:55,720 And he was being so arrogant the whole time, talking about 325 00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,920 himself and about his career. And he clearly had done very 326 00:16:58,920 --> 00:17:02,920 well and how he and his wife do this thing where they nest in 327 00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:04,359 the house. Have y'all ever heard of that? 328 00:17:04,359 --> 00:17:06,200 Yeah, that's all the kids. Don't have to move. 329 00:17:06,319 --> 00:17:07,839 Right. So they, he was telling me all 330 00:17:07,839 --> 00:17:10,560 about that, but my friend was texting me and he's like, what's 331 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,160 that text for us? And she's only telling me this 332 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,760 like really particular thing to get to Uchiko that I'd had with 333 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:16,400 her. And I couldn't remember the name 334 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:17,720 of it, just said it. And he was like, who's that? 335 00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:21,000 And I gave her name. And the joke is he was like, Oh 336 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:23,560 my gosh, how do you know her? And I was like, she's been over 337 00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:26,359 a really long time because her husband is my boss. 338 00:17:26,640 --> 00:17:30,760 That was the most fun night. Because after that, that man 339 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:35,680 straightened up and he was like kissing my ass the rest of the 340 00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:39,000 day, yeah. Well, thank you for sharing 341 00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:41,160 that, Holly. I know it sucks. 342 00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:43,360 Yeah, I'm sorry. I'm happy to. 343 00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:46,080 You, I just don't have the time to. 344 00:17:46,080 --> 00:17:49,880 I mean, that's why I was so mad. I was just like driving home, 345 00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:51,400 like. Damn it, Toby. 346 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:55,840 Like, like, just so pissed off, I know. 347 00:17:56,440 --> 00:17:58,640 I don't know, being alone doesn't sound like the worst 348 00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:01,280 thing in the world to me. When it comes to if you have to 349 00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:04,320 settle, that's that's something I'm not willing to do. 350 00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,440 We had a. A listener. 351 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:10,160 I think she just DNS us on Instagram. 352 00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:13,880 But she was talking about how she was thinking about dating 353 00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:16,560 again and she was excited. It was a guy from her past. 354 00:18:16,560 --> 00:18:21,480 And she was really writing in to ask like, how did you you know, 355 00:18:21,480 --> 00:18:23,200 did you keep it a secret for a while? 356 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:24,720 How did you address it with the kids? 357 00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:29,120 But she said she's really excited about the butterflies 358 00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:34,000 and having a crush and. She was on the insiders and that 359 00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:36,360 and that. Was that's one of the things 360 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:39,640 that I try to remember of like, yeah, we're not going to have 361 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:41,160 the same relationship that we had. 362 00:18:41,160 --> 00:18:44,400 And in some ways it can be better because we don't have all 363 00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:46,800 the child resentment. Like you didn't give this kid a 364 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:49,720 bath for, you know, four years of his life, you know, or 365 00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:51,640 whatever. You dropped your bags and went 366 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:53,760 and played basketball. No one else, just me. 367 00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:54,480 All right. Anyway. 368 00:18:54,480 --> 00:18:55,800 Oh. Like where is she going with 369 00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:57,600 that? Can I ask you a question? 370 00:18:57,600 --> 00:19:02,560 Yeah, so I did go on a date about a month ago and I didn't 371 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:04,480 ask a lot of questions with this guy. 372 00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:06,720 He was really nice and had great conversation. 373 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:10,920 But the one thing I somehow missed that I usually know 374 00:19:10,920 --> 00:19:14,240 beforehand, he got texted why? He said I'm sorry that I have to 375 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:15,720 do this because I have a kid at home. 376 00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:18,920 And I was like, uh oh, that's a big no for me. 377 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:23,240 He has a 12 and a 14 year old. And I was like Nope. 378 00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:27,800 How did I miss that? I mean, I am finally nitty 379 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,000 nester. The last thing I want to do is 380 00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:31,920 he some. And so I said, he said, you look 381 00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,560 funny right now. And I was like, oh, I'm not 382 00:19:33,560 --> 00:19:35,920 hiding it well, am I? And he goes, no, he goes, what's 383 00:19:35,920 --> 00:19:38,520 the problem? I said I if I always just kind 384 00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:40,680 of decided that I don't really want to date someone who has 385 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:45,680 children and I'm right now because I am nitty nester at 386 00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:49,960 yeah, ever. But I said I just don't have any 387 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:53,520 interest in and if I want to be gone for a month or two months, 388 00:19:53,520 --> 00:19:55,480 I want that person to be able to come with me. 389 00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:59,920 And he said, well, I'm not looking for a mother for my 390 00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:01,240 child. I said that, well, that's good 391 00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:04,480 because I mean, I certainly don't want to do that. 392 00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:06,200 I mean, I love kids. I really do. 393 00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:09,000 Love kids but. Yeah, 13 years of doing this by 394 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:12,280 myself, the last thing I want to do. 395 00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:14,920 And people don't seem to understand that like we've done 396 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:17,400 it alone. Yeah, it is hard. 397 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,640 I am worried. Down that no one else. 398 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:21,560 Can really relate. They can't relate to it. 399 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:23,960 And the divorcees, most of them get a break. 400 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:25,840 And after 13, I mean, he was only 6. 401 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:29,520 So I'm like, no, I mean, when I told him I said, you know, my 402 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:32,120 husband died when my son was six, he still looked at me like, 403 00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:34,160 I don't get it. I'm not going to have you go to 404 00:20:34,240 --> 00:20:36,680 basketball games or soccer games with me. 405 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:40,040 Did the day end after I just? Think he'd appreciate the 406 00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:41,080 honesty? Yeah. 407 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,000 Oh, he did. He was actually, he said. 408 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:44,800 I, I just was surprised, he said. 409 00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:47,320 You seem like such a person that's really into being a 410 00:20:47,320 --> 00:20:48,840 mother. I said, oh, I am. 411 00:20:48,840 --> 00:20:53,160 I mean, I sidestepped most of what I wanted to do in my career 412 00:20:53,160 --> 00:20:57,360 and other things because I love him and I wanted him to be OK, I 413 00:20:57,360 --> 00:21:00,360 said, But I don't have that in me anymore. 414 00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,360 I don't have it in me to sacrifice anymore. 415 00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:04,480 I'm ready to do what I want to do. 416 00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:07,480 If that makes me sound selfish, then I guess I am. 417 00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:10,040 I don't think it's selfish, it's just that's your. 418 00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:11,800 Truth. You know what, right? 419 00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:15,520 You have to set your boundaries about what you want I think. 420 00:21:15,520 --> 00:21:18,680 Even for anybody that has kids, whether they're widowed, 421 00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:24,160 divorced, single parent, you're, you're in whatever like age your 422 00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:27,400 kids are, you're like in that phase, if that makes sense. 423 00:21:27,400 --> 00:21:29,520 Yeah. So you're in the baby phase, 424 00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:31,520 you're in the toddler phase, you're in the school phase, 425 00:21:31,880 --> 00:21:35,040 teens, college. And it is, I think just as 426 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:38,120 another layer of complexity. If someone's in a different 427 00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:42,280 phase, a phase that you've either already done, don't want 428 00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:46,200 to do it again, or a phase that you don't understand, like, oh, 429 00:21:46,200 --> 00:21:49,920 applying for colleges, bending my child off, things like that. 430 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:52,480 You know, if somebody with younger children doesn't really 431 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:56,600 understand the difficulties around my partner as a junior in 432 00:21:56,600 --> 00:22:00,240 high school, right? I've sent 2 to college. 433 00:22:00,240 --> 00:22:03,800 I've been through that process. I've got one left and I'm trying 434 00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:07,560 to advise him a little bit with his one who is a junior. 435 00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:11,840 And even he watched me go through all that with my big 436 00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:15,280 kids for the most part or no. I just think it's hard until 437 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:18,240 you're there, you know? And right now, him and his ex 438 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:23,200 are like freaking out about SAT Probably all the things that I 439 00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:26,480 went through right with my with my older kids. 440 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:29,360 It's hell on earth. I mean, the right now applying 441 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:31,400 to college is it's so hard on the kids. 442 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:34,240 It's hard on the Bears. And yeah, and then he's dealing 443 00:22:34,240 --> 00:22:35,880 with the ex who I don't know at all. 444 00:22:35,880 --> 00:22:38,880 So that. I find that so fair thing. 445 00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:40,760 Five years in and you still have that's. 446 00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:44,680 A lot saying though need her coming in and acting like y'all 447 00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:47,200 are friends or trying to talk with you like. 448 00:22:47,760 --> 00:22:52,280 I think it was more difficult when my stepdaughter was younger 449 00:22:52,280 --> 00:22:55,240 because she really was like 12 or something. 450 00:22:55,960 --> 00:23:00,400 And I was, you know, as a mom. I just didn't understand that. 451 00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:04,320 But I have now let this go because it's not my call. 452 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,200 So she is not watching my children. 453 00:23:06,200 --> 00:23:07,480 She's not doing anything with my kids. 454 00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:11,320 So it's not really I've kind of, and now, you know, my 455 00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:13,920 stepdaughter's older. Well, I have a question for you, 456 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:17,280 Whitney, because somebody, I saw them ask you this online and you 457 00:23:17,280 --> 00:23:19,880 addressed it, but I think we'd do it on air. 458 00:23:19,880 --> 00:23:22,000 Someone was asking you about when you were dating. 459 00:23:22,000 --> 00:23:25,360 Like, how did you, like, when did you decide to tell the kids? 460 00:23:25,360 --> 00:23:26,600 You could say the same thing here. 461 00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:29,280 Like, when did you decide to tell them to just sneak around 462 00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:31,400 for a while? Because that's a big deal. 463 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:35,200 Like when you've got littles at home, Like does, like when do 464 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:37,440 you, like, do they catch you when you're, you know, coming 465 00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:38,120 out of the bedroom? OK. 466 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:44,840 I was lucky because early on we were driving to school. 467 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:46,720 This is where anybody could drive and we're driving to 468 00:23:46,720 --> 00:23:51,640 school and one of the kids is telling me a story about I don't 469 00:23:51,640 --> 00:23:52,920 know about. Her. 470 00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:55,560 Friend whose dad's girlfriend, blah blah blah blah blah. 471 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:59,360 And so it gave me an opportunity to be like, look, I'm not there 472 00:23:59,360 --> 00:24:04,800 yet, but when I do decide that I would like to date, do you guys 473 00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:08,280 want to know about it or would you rather me just keep it under 474 00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:11,240 wraps until it's something? To talk. 475 00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:13,320 About and they were like. Keep it under wraps. 476 00:24:13,920 --> 00:24:18,040 They did not want to know. So I was lucky in that I had had 477 00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:20,760 this conversation just accidentally. 478 00:24:21,120 --> 00:24:23,920 And so I didn't feel like I was keeping anything from that. 479 00:24:24,200 --> 00:24:26,840 And I would say I'm going to go out with friends when really I 480 00:24:26,840 --> 00:24:30,080 was just going out with on a date or, you know, I didn't ever 481 00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:33,400 have anyone. Ryan didn't spend the night at 482 00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:34,720 my. House while I don't. 483 00:24:34,720 --> 00:24:37,560 Even know I would go to his house 'cause some of the time my 484 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:40,800 mom was still living with me. Remind us how old they were, 485 00:24:40,800 --> 00:24:42,720 because that I mean, the oldest was. 486 00:24:43,240 --> 00:24:47,240 High school oldest was 14 when Hunter died. 487 00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:52,040 She was just going into her freshman year and then my boys. 488 00:24:52,040 --> 00:24:54,760 Were. Going into 6th and 7th grade. 489 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:56,720 When they're really little, you have to worry about them 490 00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:58,960 thinking everybody they meet, it's going to be their daddy. 491 00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:00,640 But when they get a certain age, they realize. 492 00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:05,920 They said that I had the whole because Karis was only 5 and I 493 00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:10,040 didn't date right away either, but I had the whole like, I 494 00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:14,720 can't have this, the kids attached to someone who's not 495 00:25:14,720 --> 00:25:16,320 the right person. Exactly. 496 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:22,680 So I definitely waited a long time before anybody knew I was 497 00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:24,480 dating. I was always, I was going out a 498 00:25:24,480 --> 00:25:26,440 lot with my girlfriends. I'd get a sitter. 499 00:25:26,880 --> 00:25:28,840 I guess it was like mommy's not out with her girlfriends. 500 00:25:29,360 --> 00:25:32,360 And if I had a date, I would get a sitter. 501 00:25:32,360 --> 00:25:34,720 But yeah, I waited a long time and. 502 00:25:34,720 --> 00:25:36,040 Then I mean I think. It's just. 503 00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:41,560 You figure it out along the way. There were a couple times I went 504 00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:46,160 on a date and my oldest at the time, let's say she was 17 or 16 505 00:25:46,160 --> 00:25:50,440 or 17, knew about it. But my youngest did not, you 506 00:25:50,440 --> 00:25:53,280 know, the other two didn't know somehow, like I had to, maybe 507 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:56,240 she was babysitting and I had to tell her I'm going. 508 00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:58,480 She was older. She was the oldest. 509 00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:01,720 And so by the time she was like, you know, junior senior in high 510 00:26:01,720 --> 00:26:04,760 school, she knew. And we actually got in this 511 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:08,280 family argument recently because it came up I had dated this guy 512 00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:12,600 from Argentina and they had see it spoken Spanish to my oldest, 513 00:26:12,600 --> 00:26:15,400 who's fluent and. Karis was like. 514 00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:19,920 All of this was going on behind my back, but that was a very 515 00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:23,440 brief, brief relationship. But I agree, I'm being serious, 516 00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:27,080 there's no point in a don't feel 'cause this woman was feeling 517 00:26:27,080 --> 00:26:30,400 guilty for not sharing and her kids were like I think 16 and 518 00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:32,120 17. They were much older. 519 00:26:32,120 --> 00:26:34,880 They're dating, so they know the signs of dating, right? 520 00:26:35,280 --> 00:26:39,320 But there's no reason to feel guilty because unless you're in 521 00:26:39,320 --> 00:26:42,480 love with the person and you really want to make them part of 522 00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:46,080 their life, you don't need to tell them anything and nor do 523 00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:48,880 they really want to know why. Like you said, why get them 524 00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:52,280 attached to someone if you don't even know where it's going to 525 00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:53,440 go? And that's kind of why. 526 00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:56,120 I mean, Ryan and I have been dating for four years, but it 527 00:26:56,120 --> 00:26:58,360 hasn't. It's just been in the last six 528 00:26:58,360 --> 00:27:02,960 months that we've leaned in. But part of that I didn't want 529 00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:06,800 him around the kids 'cause I had no idea what it was going to 530 00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:08,960 look like. And and same thing on his end. 531 00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:11,800 And he had a much more complicated situation 'cause he 532 00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:15,960 had an ex. It was very alive and a little 533 00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:18,880 malicious. And so I hope I, well, she's 534 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:22,480 never going to hear this, but I hope I never meet her. 535 00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:26,760 I hope I never have to be involved because then you become 536 00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:29,160 part of this weird toxic relationship. 537 00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:31,600 I don't want any part of it, no Sir. 538 00:27:31,920 --> 00:27:35,040 I tell you the the only thing I remember about dating the writer 539 00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:36,720 was little, 'cause I started dating is through. 540 00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:38,840 I guess it was three years then, so maybe it was a little over 541 00:27:38,840 --> 00:27:40,520 two, maybe it was probably 2 1/2. 542 00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:43,920 Anyway, he was still pretty young, so he's 7:00 or 8:00 at 543 00:27:43,920 --> 00:27:46,360 this point. But I was, you know how I think 544 00:27:46,360 --> 00:27:49,680 it was match or it was one of those where there's a lot of 545 00:27:49,680 --> 00:27:51,840 faces and you choose or something like that. 546 00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:54,080 He came in and I pretended it was a casting. 547 00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:58,160 Call I was doing. Because I was I can't tell like 548 00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:01,800 this is hot ride. This is this is guided homeless 549 00:28:01,800 --> 00:28:04,400 guy. But 'cause I I wasn't ready to 550 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:06,080 tell him. So how did you know? 551 00:28:06,080 --> 00:28:09,080 I was in the field business? So I kinda was lying. 552 00:28:09,200 --> 00:28:12,320 Yeah, how, how did you have that conversation with him or how did 553 00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:15,640 you ease this person in? And he also had children. 554 00:28:16,280 --> 00:28:18,640 Like we got. Engaged a year and a half in I 555 00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:21,400 think. And so we started dating three 556 00:28:21,400 --> 00:28:26,720 years after Oliver died, so exactly 3 years and dated not 557 00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:30,400 quite 2, just under 2. And I can't remember if I told 558 00:28:30,400 --> 00:28:32,080 him we were getting. I mean the engagement was a 559 00:28:32,080 --> 00:28:34,480 surprise and I knew we were going to get married, but the 560 00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:35,840 engagement itself was a surprise. 561 00:28:36,320 --> 00:28:38,040 Oh, I know what how they met now. 562 00:28:38,040 --> 00:28:40,200 OK back up. I have a friend that has a house 563 00:28:40,200 --> 00:28:44,560 in Jackson Hole. And so her boyfriend at the time 564 00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:50,440 and my boyfriend, their kids knew each other and they were 565 00:28:50,440 --> 00:28:52,800 friends. So here we are all in Jackson 566 00:28:52,800 --> 00:28:54,240 Hole going skiing together. And it was. 567 00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:58,040 So it's truly one of the most fun times I've ever had dating 568 00:28:58,040 --> 00:29:01,720 somebody because I was with him and she had her boyfriend. 569 00:29:01,720 --> 00:29:05,600 Yeah, our kids got along great. And so we had this massive, we 570 00:29:05,600 --> 00:29:08,640 skied all day and, you know, drank wine and ate dinner every 571 00:29:08,640 --> 00:29:10,800 night. And I was like, this is how I 572 00:29:10,800 --> 00:29:12,400 thought, this is how it's going to be, right? 573 00:29:12,400 --> 00:29:13,920 Date. This is, you know, this is how 574 00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:15,680 dating we're going to be on this side. 575 00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:17,920 Oh, that's not how it also worked out. 576 00:29:17,920 --> 00:29:22,080 But you know, the kids, you know things over time just and I, I 577 00:29:22,080 --> 00:29:25,760 truly believe in a way you're right about not meeting the X 578 00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:29,400 because that poison that comes in, because that was an issue. 579 00:29:29,520 --> 00:29:32,440 Like the poison that comes in from someone who's hates you and 580 00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:35,280 has never met you. It says not nice things about 581 00:29:35,280 --> 00:29:38,400 you and they or met you because they're unhappy. 582 00:29:38,520 --> 00:29:40,000 That's exactly the position I met. 583 00:29:40,040 --> 00:29:43,080 Yeah, and poison, you're right. And when their their children 584 00:29:43,080 --> 00:29:47,240 are involved, you have no control over what is being told 585 00:29:47,240 --> 00:29:49,520 to these kids about me, about you. 586 00:29:50,200 --> 00:29:53,120 That can destroy a relationship before you even have a chance to 587 00:29:53,120 --> 00:29:54,160 have one. I will. 588 00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:57,800 Say this, I had a conversation with his son, whom you know, 589 00:29:57,800 --> 00:30:00,120 obviously very well, and he was very sweet. 590 00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:03,240 And I just said, you know, that I didn't break up your parents 591 00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:05,000 just so, you know, several years. 592 00:30:05,000 --> 00:30:07,040 I mean, he'd had a relationship before me. 593 00:30:07,280 --> 00:30:10,520 And I said, so I hope you'll just know that I'm not trying to 594 00:30:10,520 --> 00:30:13,200 replace your mom. I'm just trying to be another 595 00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:15,840 person who supports you and whatever it is you choose to do 596 00:30:15,840 --> 00:30:18,040 with your life. So I felt like I was being 597 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:22,000 supportive and did all those, but over time when things chip 598 00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:24,760 away at you over and over and over. 599 00:30:25,280 --> 00:30:28,920 It's almost too much. It's any the chances of your 600 00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:31,320 relationship surviving. Would have never. 601 00:30:31,320 --> 00:30:36,400 I kept saying that if we move in the same house, it will not make 602 00:30:36,400 --> 00:30:39,600 it because I can't have someone coming at me all the time 603 00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:41,720 because I'm already still fragile. 604 00:30:42,200 --> 00:30:44,600 I'm fragile enough that I can't handle. 605 00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:47,960 And like, even I've had people tell me now that there's still 606 00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:50,920 things that I'm not willing to, you know, I'm having a harder 607 00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:55,200 time, you know, attaching to the people because I don't want to 608 00:30:55,200 --> 00:30:57,880 have to feel any more pain than I've already been through, You 609 00:30:57,880 --> 00:31:00,480 know, that I've lost my mom and you know, that has its stuff. 610 00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:03,200 And then my dad is grieving. It's a lot. 611 00:31:03,360 --> 00:31:05,680 And it used to pile up after a while. 612 00:31:05,680 --> 00:31:09,240 And I just want to enjoy my life or what life I have left. 613 00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:12,800 I want to be able to enjoy it in the way I want to. 614 00:31:12,800 --> 00:31:15,320 And I am. I kind of like my freedom. 615 00:31:15,360 --> 00:31:17,320 Yeah. I never thought I would like 616 00:31:17,320 --> 00:31:19,880 yours. To jump clean on that date about 617 00:31:19,880 --> 00:31:22,520 where you're at, Yeah. And be honest with yourself and 618 00:31:22,520 --> 00:31:26,000 be honest with him. And the truth is, like, we 619 00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:30,440 haven't really talked about this much, but blending is a lot 620 00:31:30,440 --> 00:31:33,520 trickier than it looks on the Brady Bunch. 621 00:31:33,640 --> 00:31:36,160 I just thought I could love. I'm like, I'm a parent. 622 00:31:36,200 --> 00:31:39,200 I've got three kids, Arby's scoop, this one in and love, 623 00:31:39,200 --> 00:31:42,320 love, love. But there are all these things 624 00:31:42,320 --> 00:31:46,360 that you don't have control over that whole other, if they're 625 00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:48,200 divorced, that whole other parent. 626 00:31:48,600 --> 00:31:52,560 You know, this may or may not relate to a widower and a widow 627 00:31:52,560 --> 00:31:55,440 getting together, which might be a better scenario, although you 628 00:31:55,440 --> 00:31:57,200 know, there's complications there as well. 629 00:31:57,200 --> 00:32:00,840 I'm sure if your listener and you're out there on that 630 00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:03,400 journey, we could probably do a whole other. 631 00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:07,000 Show I'm glad you say that because I kept thinking is it me 632 00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:11,280 not being accommodating? Is it me just like being patient 633 00:32:11,280 --> 00:32:14,640 and I just thought, you know it really I was just so much I 634 00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:17,280 still was in deep. That's one of the things that I 635 00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:20,760 have to look back and think that was still too soon for me. 636 00:32:20,840 --> 00:32:23,720 It was three years in and then five years by the time that was 637 00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:27,120 over. And I remember it took it, it 638 00:32:27,120 --> 00:32:29,920 took years before I could ever really want to date and be 639 00:32:29,920 --> 00:32:32,840 excited about it because it just, I don't know. 640 00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:36,240 I, I think, I don't know. I think I was ready. 641 00:32:36,240 --> 00:32:38,360 The right of. The reason we all decided to 642 00:32:38,360 --> 00:32:42,160 date I think, or at least I can speak for me because I started 643 00:32:42,160 --> 00:32:43,680 dating fairly quickly after he died. 644 00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:47,720 Part of it is just how quickly it was the next day. 645 00:32:48,960 --> 00:32:51,680 My pants were all checking. The pulse and the We left to 646 00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:54,160 tease Whitney about this, but it was days. 647 00:32:55,120 --> 00:32:56,520 That's it. I was. 648 00:32:56,520 --> 00:32:58,760 Hey, you know what? There's no judge. 649 00:32:58,800 --> 00:33:00,520 It was mine. Not been there. 650 00:33:01,080 --> 00:33:04,360 It would only a few months. But now y'all made me lose my 651 00:33:04,360 --> 00:33:05,400 train of thought. I'm sorry. 652 00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:08,240 What was I saying? It's a way to It's not 653 00:33:08,240 --> 00:33:11,000 necessarily that you're ready for love, it's that you're tired 654 00:33:11,000 --> 00:33:15,280 of the pain you are like, I just want a distraction. 655 00:33:15,720 --> 00:33:19,840 Mean, you know, drinking did some of it, but you can't kiss a 656 00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:21,880 wine bottle. Well, you I am. 657 00:33:22,120 --> 00:33:25,560 Well, actually, well, you know, it's the oxytocin, you're in the 658 00:33:25,560 --> 00:33:28,640 dopamine, you're chasing that like serotonin because it comes 659 00:33:28,640 --> 00:33:30,960 with new love. You know, when you, me and 660 00:33:30,960 --> 00:33:33,760 somebody knew that's hot and keep you're kissing this and so 661 00:33:33,760 --> 00:33:37,320 you feel that feeling for a while, but then that tapers off 662 00:33:37,320 --> 00:33:41,720 and then you're left with oh gosh, now I've got a try to make 663 00:33:41,720 --> 00:33:44,520 a relationship work and I still haven't dealt with all of this 664 00:33:44,520 --> 00:33:46,280 back here. I mean, I only had therapy for 665 00:33:46,280 --> 00:33:48,000 one year. She had retired. 666 00:33:48,160 --> 00:33:49,680 That's why I want you guys to meet her. 667 00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:51,960 Yeah, we're. She's so wonderful, but abruptly 668 00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:54,600 had to retire because of all the things going on in her life. 669 00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:59,760 And I was not at all ready to not have no. 670 00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:02,840 And I tried several others on and, you know, one of them, it 671 00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:07,520 just never was great after that. And so I felt like there were 672 00:34:07,520 --> 00:34:11,040 still some things that didn't get quite then they probably 673 00:34:11,040 --> 00:34:14,719 are, they're still not quite resolved well. 674 00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:17,520 That. 13 years later, sorry to depress everybody. 675 00:34:17,560 --> 00:34:21,520 No, I think everybody is on their own path and it takes some 676 00:34:21,520 --> 00:34:23,639 things. Some people work through really 677 00:34:23,639 --> 00:34:26,080 quickly, and then other things it takes them a little bit 678 00:34:26,080 --> 00:34:28,440 longer. But in some ways you're so much 679 00:34:28,440 --> 00:34:30,920 farther along than any of us, you know? 680 00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:34,840 And then in other ways, we may be a little bit farther along 681 00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:37,120 than you. But I think the key is to 682 00:34:37,120 --> 00:34:41,840 recognize for me and for anyone, maybe it's like some of the 683 00:34:41,840 --> 00:34:44,120 relationships are just a distraction. 684 00:34:44,120 --> 00:34:48,080 Some of them are. I just want someone to hold my, 685 00:34:48,159 --> 00:34:51,560 you know, touch my body. I just want like hepagonship. 686 00:34:51,560 --> 00:34:55,360 I, I mean, you're, oh, you're right, used to sleeping next to 687 00:34:55,360 --> 00:34:58,640 someone every night and suddenly they're gone and it's very 688 00:34:58,640 --> 00:35:01,040 lonely. And I realized nobody was. 689 00:35:01,040 --> 00:35:03,800 I had no intimacy in my life. You know, I just was missing 690 00:35:03,800 --> 00:35:04,800 connection. Yeah. 691 00:35:05,040 --> 00:35:08,440 And so some of it is just wanting that. 692 00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:12,320 And then you have to recognize. Or is this a life like something 693 00:35:12,320 --> 00:35:14,000 more? Well, and hopefully this is 694 00:35:14,000 --> 00:35:15,880 helpful for the listeners because that's what we really 695 00:35:15,880 --> 00:35:18,200 want is like, just be true to yourself. 696 00:35:18,360 --> 00:35:21,680 Pay attention to some of these signs and feelings. 697 00:35:21,680 --> 00:35:25,320 Am I just distracting myself? Do I really, what are you know, 698 00:35:25,560 --> 00:35:27,520 I was always checking back in with myself. 699 00:35:27,520 --> 00:35:30,680 What are my feelings? Is this someone I can see myself 700 00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:33,120 with? Am I just filling the void, 701 00:35:33,800 --> 00:35:38,000 wasting my time, all the things. So what do you, how are you 702 00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:42,400 feeling now Holly, in terms of are you just going to, are you 703 00:35:42,600 --> 00:35:45,840 going to go on some more dates or are you just going to take a 704 00:35:45,840 --> 00:35:48,240 break? I don't really optimistic. 705 00:35:48,240 --> 00:35:51,360 I'm not necessarily optimistic. I mean, I'd rather just meet 706 00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:54,200 somebody through a friend next weekend 0. 707 00:35:54,240 --> 00:35:57,040 That's right, we're. Spending Valentine's Day 708 00:35:57,040 --> 00:36:03,600 together and I think I spent my first Valentine's without Toby 709 00:36:03,600 --> 00:36:06,240 with y'all. But where did we go? 710 00:36:06,400 --> 00:36:08,840 We went to The Four Seasons, Yeah. 711 00:36:09,080 --> 00:36:10,160 And I. Feel like. 712 00:36:10,360 --> 00:36:14,040 And we met you, right? After the group, it was around 713 00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:15,960 Valentine. It was probably right after 714 00:36:15,960 --> 00:36:17,680 there. Were Jeffrey's figure, which I 715 00:36:17,680 --> 00:36:19,600 was going to mention earlier. Apparently we did. 716 00:36:19,600 --> 00:36:21,360 Now we don't. Now we don't like Jeffrey's. 717 00:36:21,560 --> 00:36:26,720 No, I like Jeffrey's. I mean, hey, red Porsche guy 718 00:36:26,720 --> 00:36:28,440 can. Show up Jeffrey's and run into 719 00:36:28,440 --> 00:36:30,760 him and. I love him to run into all of 720 00:36:30,840 --> 00:36:31,920 us. Well, clearly he's. 721 00:36:31,920 --> 00:36:34,760 Not doesn't frequent. He didn't know that you needed a 722 00:36:34,760 --> 00:36:37,840 reservation. I would love to tell him more 723 00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:39,200 about me. Just so, OK. 724 00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:43,560 Well, on that note, we appreciate you guys. 725 00:36:43,720 --> 00:36:48,080 If you haven't already, join our Facebook group, the Every Widow 726 00:36:48,080 --> 00:36:51,720 Thing Insiders. A lot of widows and widowers are 727 00:36:52,040 --> 00:36:54,480 communicating with each other. They're helping each other, 728 00:36:54,480 --> 00:36:56,160 guiding each other, asking questions. 729 00:36:56,360 --> 00:36:59,440 We also get in on it. So it's a good place to go if 730 00:36:59,440 --> 00:37:03,240 you want more community. And we just want you to know 731 00:37:03,240 --> 00:37:04,680 you're going to you're going to do great. 732 00:37:04,680 --> 00:37:06,680 We're all doing our best. You're going to get through 733 00:37:06,680 --> 00:37:08,880 this. And I just posted something 734 00:37:08,880 --> 00:37:10,320 today. You can cry in your bathroom 735 00:37:10,320 --> 00:37:11,760 when you when you're overwhelmed.