1 00:00:00,440 --> 00:00:03,640 You found us. I'm so glad you did, but I'm 2 00:00:03,640 --> 00:00:06,200 sorry that you had to. Who are we? 3 00:00:06,800 --> 00:00:10,960 I'll tell you what, we're not. We're not old, we're not boring, 4 00:00:11,280 --> 00:00:13,840 and we're not giving up. So come on into our widow 5 00:00:13,840 --> 00:00:17,400 circle, where trauma meets humor and we remind you that you can 6 00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:23,560 not only survive, but thrive. This is every widow thing. 7 00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:26,120 Hi, everyone. This is Whitney. 8 00:00:26,280 --> 00:00:29,000 And this is Holly. Hey, hey. 9 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:31,040 It's just us today. We're doing something a little 10 00:00:31,040 --> 00:00:34,520 different this time and hopefully the quality, the sound 11 00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:40,160 quality is still up to par, but it's just Holly and I and we're 12 00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:42,800 sitting in my kitchen like. Jack's here too. 13 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:46,040 Yes, you may hear the dog. You may hear my dog Jack at some 14 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:49,680 point snoring or barking. We it's just the two of us 15 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:53,680 today, but we wanted to get on and have a little conversation 16 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:57,520 about the things that have been going on in our lives recently. 17 00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:01,160 We're both free birds. I was. 18 00:01:02,800 --> 00:01:04,800 Like what is it called? Again, you're about to say 19 00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:08,120 emptiness, no. I wasn't because I knew and I 20 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:10,760 knew that was I was like trying to remember what the new term. 21 00:01:10,960 --> 00:01:13,360 Is yes. The new term is free bird. 22 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:18,960 If you didn't know, which I like, it's a much better spin on 23 00:01:18,960 --> 00:01:23,200 what's going on, but my nest is feeling very empty. 24 00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:26,840 Very quiet. Yes, I wasn't expecting it. 25 00:01:27,240 --> 00:01:30,320 And I think you were like this too, Holly, because both our 26 00:01:30,320 --> 00:01:33,760 boys were gone a lot. They were still living. 27 00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:39,200 Here my house was quiet anyway, like all the time, but I always 28 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:44,160 knew he was going to come home and at some point. 29 00:01:44,600 --> 00:01:46,880 Right. At some point at night. 30 00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:49,840 Right, exactly. I know 'cause I have two other 31 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:53,680 kids that have flown the nest. If we're still gonna use those 32 00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:59,120 analogies and once they're gone, I will talk. 33 00:01:59,120 --> 00:02:02,800 I won't talk to them for like 2 weeks, you know? 34 00:02:02,960 --> 00:02:05,320 So that's the difference. Why are you laughing? 35 00:02:06,480 --> 00:02:09,880 What do you do, Whitney? No, but I'm just saying like my 36 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:13,440 kids, I'm no longer in their day-to-day lives. 37 00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:19,040 And so even though for me, like Campbell isn't wasn't home all 38 00:02:19,040 --> 00:02:21,360 the time, you know, and he would even spend the night out and 39 00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:24,600 he'd be gone all day either at work or the skate park or 40 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:27,840 whatever. I knew that I was going to see 41 00:02:27,840 --> 00:02:31,240 him at some point every day or every other day. 42 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:34,800 Food in the warming. Yes, always food in the warming 43 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:37,880 drawer. Now my warming drawer is cold an 44 00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:40,720 empty like my. House for me. 45 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,080 I you think that my food in there is actually good, but it's 46 00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,080 it's, it's better, not very good. 47 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:49,560 Better than nothing. But you know what I'm saying, 48 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:51,440 right? Like that's why the house feels 49 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:57,040 so much quieter even though it's the same day-to-day. 50 00:02:57,040 --> 00:03:00,240 I I'm not having those moments with him. 51 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:04,320 Either it's take the trash out or get up. 52 00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:08,080 Oh, so I went to pull the trash to the curb. 53 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:09,400 Yes. Did you cry? 54 00:03:10,160 --> 00:03:15,040 No, there wasn't anything in it. That's the other thing. 55 00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:20,000 I had not taken the trash out of from in the house to the trash 56 00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,040 outside. There wasn't any trash because I 57 00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:25,120 haven't been cooking. Well, the first time I had to 58 00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:29,480 take my trash cans out to the the street, I got teary 'cause 59 00:03:29,480 --> 00:03:30,880 that was his job. And I'm like. 60 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,880 Who's? Gonna take the trash out for me 61 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,000 now. No one. 62 00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,600 And then I came in and opened up the refrigerator and there was 63 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,440 some leftover spaghetti that I had made for him and I was like, 64 00:03:40,760 --> 00:03:45,280 who's gonna eat the spaghetti? And I cried and I was like, this 65 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:49,680 is ridiculous, but it is sad. It's very difficult. 66 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:52,760 And then it's just the whole, we've talked about this, a lot 67 00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:58,320 of, you know, grief, it comes out to play at that point too, 68 00:03:58,320 --> 00:04:03,000 'cause it's like, oh, I'm all alone and yeah, my husband's 69 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:06,000 dead. And as far as like what I've had 70 00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:11,560 a hard time with, drop off did not go as I envisioned it would 71 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:13,000 go. We had. 72 00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:19,880 Some we had some bumps in the road with the roommate and, you 73 00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:24,160 know, not knowing anyone on campus and saying goodbye and 74 00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:26,160 leaving your child in another state. 75 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:29,760 That's so much harder. Yes, mine, mine's in another 76 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:31,760 city, but just an hour and a half away. 77 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:35,680 Oh yeah. When I took Hayden to Oklahoma, 78 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:40,360 and even this year, the second year, it didn't go as planned, 79 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:44,600 'cause I'm imagining like, wow mom, I'm, I'm imagining like 80 00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:48,200 Leave it to Beaver, like, wow mom, you're the greatest. 81 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:53,920 Thanks so much, mom, for driving 6 hours with all my crap in your 82 00:04:53,920 --> 00:04:58,000 car. And instead he peeled out, left 83 00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:00,480 me in the dust, left me in the dust. 84 00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:04,360 Then I get pulled over by the police because I'm trying to 85 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:06,480 catch up to him. He is long gone. 86 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:10,320 Then I texted him and said, you know, my feelings are hurt 87 00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:14,680 because I am driving this up there for you. 88 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:19,320 Like, if you don't want my help, then, you know, you could have 89 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:21,800 just rented a truck and taken it yourself. 90 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:25,560 And then I thought he'd be like, Gee, mom, I'm so sorry. 91 00:05:25,960 --> 00:05:27,880 Instead, he was like, that's your problem. 92 00:05:29,160 --> 00:05:31,920 If it's if it hurts your feelings, that's on you. 93 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:34,440 And I was like, you know what jerk? 94 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:39,960 So he's usually a very sweet boy, But in my mind I have these 95 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:44,760 ideas of how heartfelt and incredible it's going to be and 96 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,560 how they're going to just say thanks we want. 97 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:51,400 It to be perfect because part of their lives haven't been 98 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:52,440 perfect. That's true. 99 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:59,560 And and then so after drop off, you know, of course the social 100 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:03,760 media stuff, Oh yeah, which I'm like, why am I on here? 101 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:09,400 And everybody's posts about their perfect happy child in 102 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:10,760 college and. Right. 103 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,360 It's all peachy perfect. It's but you know. 104 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:16,480 That's Facebook. But that's it's fake book. 105 00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,840 Yeah. I mean, I I had my kids smile 106 00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:22,160 and and take a picture, but I had to force it. 107 00:06:22,160 --> 00:06:23,840 He's like, I don't want to take a picture. 108 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:28,440 I was like, you get over here and then, you know, he looks all 109 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:30,480 happy and you think, oh, it was such a great draw. 110 00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:36,960 I know and I made a post and it it looks all happy and fun but I 111 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:39,400 but I wrote it wasn't peachy perfect. 112 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,720 You did write that you did. Write that. 113 00:06:42,240 --> 00:06:45,160 Yeah, that's the thing. That's what gets me into trouble 114 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:48,960 is the idea in my head versus what actually happens. 115 00:06:49,680 --> 00:06:53,040 And, and like you said, wanting it to be perfect for them. 116 00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:56,720 And your heart is breaking if you feel like they don't have 117 00:06:56,720 --> 00:06:59,000 any friends yet. And what if, how are they going 118 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,120 to meet people? And, you know, is anyone going 119 00:07:02,120 --> 00:07:05,760 to know that their dad died and cut them a little slack like 120 00:07:05,760 --> 00:07:08,640 that? That's something that I, you 121 00:07:08,640 --> 00:07:12,840 know, I would love to e-mail all of their professors and say. 122 00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:17,800 This kid. I know, I know, but you know the 123 00:07:17,800 --> 00:07:19,880 Mama bear wants to keep protecting them. 124 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:25,880 Oh 100% the way I communicate now is with both of my boys is 125 00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:27,960 Snapchat. Which I'm very impressed 'cause 126 00:07:27,960 --> 00:07:30,280 I don't. Understand what I said today to 127 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:31,240 Zach. OK. 128 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:35,560 Yeah, T what I can do? I can start snapping them. 129 00:07:35,840 --> 00:07:39,600 I I would snap like the other day I was like texting him. 130 00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:43,200 Like did you talk to that professor about or your advisor 131 00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:46,200 about changing class or whatever? 132 00:07:47,520 --> 00:07:51,360 And he wouldn't respond. And so I took a picture of Opal 133 00:07:51,360 --> 00:07:53,480 and wrote a little message on there. 134 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,720 That is. How? 135 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:59,200 Yes, that's hilarious. That is how you can get them to 136 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:03,880 respond is by sending a picture of their pet 100% and. 137 00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:06,720 You can just message once you start a chat. 138 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:10,360 In there you can keep chatting. And they're on Snap more than 139 00:08:10,360 --> 00:08:11,560 they. Respond to that. 140 00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:13,560 Yeah, right now. So now it's working. 141 00:08:14,040 --> 00:08:18,080 Well, what would you say? So we, Holly and I, one of the 142 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:24,040 ways we are exercising our free bird rights is by taking a trip. 143 00:08:24,080 --> 00:08:27,440 And that's something that I think we were so smart to do. 144 00:08:27,840 --> 00:08:31,400 Something to look forward to, something to plan right after 145 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:34,559 you take your kid to school, then you have something to kind 146 00:08:34,559 --> 00:08:36,840 of some distraction. Spirits. 147 00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:39,200 Yeah. And I just have to also let go. 148 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:43,760 Like I'm a little nervous. I want them to be more settled 149 00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:47,720 before I leave on a trip, but I can't control that. 150 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:51,000 No, no. And what I mean, what do you 151 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:53,880 think you'd be able to do? Like, like I said jokingly, I 152 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:59,400 would love to be emailing all of the professors, but I I can't. 153 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:03,400 And I will share an embarrassing story of helicopter parenting 154 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:05,560 gone wrong. I. 155 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:10,880 Was. In my kids schedule like right 156 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:14,960 so I have their login which isn't necessarily the best 157 00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,800 thing. Don't do what I do. 158 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:20,600 You have to have their login so you can pay tuition I mean. 159 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:22,920 Well, they can make you an authorized user, but you have to 160 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:25,200 have their login so that you can check to make sure they're 161 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:29,080 actually going to class. Well, I like to see when they're 162 00:09:29,080 --> 00:09:31,920 great. No, I hadn't even like with 163 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:35,960 Gabe. I'm not once he's a senior in 164 00:09:35,960 --> 00:09:39,160 college and I have not once checked his grades. 165 00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:42,920 Oh wow no I made the mistake of not checking grades with my 166 00:09:42,920 --> 00:09:48,400 first kid and she wasn't going to class and I didn't find out 167 00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,160 until the end of the school year when it was too late to do 168 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:54,480 anything about it. And I know that there are 169 00:09:54,480 --> 00:09:58,440 parents on there that go let them fail and let them you know, 170 00:09:58,440 --> 00:09:59,840 that's. An expensive fail. 171 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:02,440 Right, exactly. I'm not going to let my aunt. 172 00:10:02,440 --> 00:10:06,760 Well, look, I did let her fail, but I hate those people that get 173 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:10,520 on like people get on Facebook and ask questions like can you 174 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:14,000 help me? My you know, my student is 175 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:19,440 struggling with her roommate and I don't know, I'm, I'm trying to 176 00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:21,680 help her, right? And then all these parents, 177 00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:25,000 these know it all parents will get on and be like, it's called 178 00:10:25,000 --> 00:10:27,360 adulting. Let her handle it. 179 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,360 And I'm like, you know what I mean? 180 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:33,440 You can bite it. These moms just want help and 181 00:10:33,440 --> 00:10:35,800 support. And I'm sorry but I don't care 182 00:10:35,800 --> 00:10:38,200 what you say, there are some kids. 183 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:40,800 Not all 18 year olds are the same. 184 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:44,720 And some 18 year olds are more like 45 year olds and some 18 185 00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:46,440 year olds are more like 12 year olds. 186 00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:49,480 And some 18 year olds have had trauma in their life. 187 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:53,680 And if I want to fucking get on and ask for some help then I 188 00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:57,560 don't need you know it all parent coming on and giving me a 189 00:10:57,560 --> 00:10:59,720 hard time. Yeah, those parents shouldn't 190 00:10:59,720 --> 00:11:02,040 even chime in. No zip it all right? 191 00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:04,200 Anyway back to my helicopter and fail. 192 00:11:04,520 --> 00:11:09,120 So I had my kids log in and it was before school started and he 193 00:11:09,120 --> 00:11:12,800 has a certain schedule. But I noticed that on Monday, 194 00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:18,240 Wednesday, Friday, his first class and only class started at 195 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,240 like 2:00. And I was like, oh, that's. 196 00:11:21,320 --> 00:11:25,160 Why did you even meddle in that? OK, well because I was trying to 197 00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,800 make his life easier so. Now he's in. 198 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:31,800 So now, so then I noticed that there was a Spanish class at 199 00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:35,960 11:30 instead of it too. And I'm like, this is great. 200 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:39,400 And so I did talk to him first and I said, hey, I noticed that 201 00:11:39,400 --> 00:11:41,760 there is an earlier Spanish class. 202 00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:45,080 And of course I also went to rate my professor to make sure 203 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:49,920 that the professor was good. Which no dude, that is such a 204 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:52,160 helicopter. Actually, it's a lawnmower. 205 00:11:52,640 --> 00:11:55,920 It's a lawnmower parent where you try to just get rid of all 206 00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:59,600 the obstacles in their way instead of letting them handle 207 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:00,880 it. So whatever. 208 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:02,880 So he said, yeah, that sounds great. 209 00:12:02,880 --> 00:12:06,000 I said, great. I changed his schedule and then 210 00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:10,160 he came home for the weekend and I go, how's school going? 211 00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:12,880 And he goes, oh, it's great, except for my Spanish class. 212 00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:14,640 And I go, oh, no, what, what is it? 213 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:18,440 He goes, I'm in a heritage Spanish class and I go, what's 214 00:12:18,440 --> 00:12:20,960 that? And he goes, it's for kids who 215 00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:26,120 have lived in a Spanish speaking household or been exposed to the 216 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,680 language their whole life. And I was. 217 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,480 Like or Campbell. Oh my gosh. 218 00:12:30,200 --> 00:12:33,160 Well, I had the same thing happen with Zach today because 219 00:12:33,160 --> 00:12:38,400 he did not go to his one of his classes for a whole week because 220 00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:41,240 he was going to switch it and then he decided not to switch 221 00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:45,600 it, so he's missed class. Yeah, stuff like that literally 222 00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:48,720 fills me with anxiety. Like I will wake up in the 223 00:12:48,720 --> 00:12:50,560 middle of the night. I did wake up in the middle of 224 00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:54,720 the night worrying about his heritage. 225 00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:58,240 I just texted Campbell. But here's the the difference, 226 00:12:58,240 --> 00:13:01,440 right? Of like, like what this, this is 227 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,440 the difference in being a widow and not being a widow. 228 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:09,200 If Hunter were here, I there's no way I would have been quote 229 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:12,720 UN quote allowed to do some of the shit I've done. 230 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:17,040 He would have put a stop to it. He would have, you know, handled 231 00:13:17,040 --> 00:13:20,640 it or told me to to step off or whatever. 232 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,840 These are the times when my husband would keep me from 233 00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:26,160 spiraling and keep me from being well. 234 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:30,760 You have somebody, a sounding board like you could discuss it, 235 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,240 right? And you and you come up with a 236 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:35,600 something in the middle, like my husband would be more like the 237 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:38,000 know it all parent of like, well, he's got to figure it out. 238 00:13:38,640 --> 00:13:41,160 And then I'm more of the my baby. 239 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:45,160 So if he were alive, there would be something in the middle, 240 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:47,680 right? In other words, Campbell would 241 00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:50,440 be in a regular Spanish class instead of the Heritage. 242 00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:52,080 Spanish. Well, maybe he can get some of 243 00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:55,320 those Spanish speaking students to help him. 244 00:13:56,760 --> 00:13:59,520 I'm going to let it go. Anything else that we want to 245 00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:04,680 share about free birding it? Every time I say free bird I am 246 00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:06,560 imagining someone giving the bird. 247 00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:12,640 Just just so you know. I think just we're all going 248 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:16,440 through transitions, even Lacey and Kira, and we're all kind of 249 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:21,040 feeling like we need to focus on other things and family and. 250 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:24,760 Oh yeah. So in in light of being free 251 00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:28,600 birds and we are going to be traveling, we're going to be a 252 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:32,200 little less consistent. Just more sporadic with our 253 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,480 episodes. Yes, we're going to try to 254 00:14:34,480 --> 00:14:38,200 really fully embrace this new transition. 255 00:14:38,520 --> 00:14:42,320 And for me, I want to try to figure out what I want for 256 00:14:42,320 --> 00:14:45,680 myself, you know? Let me know if you figure it out 257 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:49,240 OK. Hopefully it'll it'll include 258 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:51,520 you. But yeah, just take some time 259 00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:54,680 and figure out what's next for all of us. 260 00:14:54,680 --> 00:15:00,000 And this is a new transition. Kira still has a child that just 261 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,720 started her freshman year of high school, which is a really 262 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:06,960 important time to be fully available. 263 00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:11,160 You think that it's when they're younger, but really it's when. 264 00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,840 They're older. It's like so much harder. 265 00:15:14,240 --> 00:15:17,320 Oh, it's so much harder. And you have to, don't be fooled 266 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:21,440 by the fact that, oh, they don't want anything to do with us. 267 00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:25,760 That's when you have to be the most aware of what they're 268 00:15:25,760 --> 00:15:27,640 doing. Yeah, 'cause they can get into a 269 00:15:27,640 --> 00:15:31,200 lot of trouble and they need us, but they don't. 270 00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:32,680 They don't even know they need us. 271 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:37,960 So anyway, the point is, I think we're going to still be here for 272 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:41,800 you guys, but it's going to be a little less consistent. 273 00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:46,960 We do have a new Facebook group called Every Widow Thing 274 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:52,800 Insiders and that is a perfect way for our listeners to 275 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:56,640 interact with each other, yes. Get on there and or join the 276 00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:57,520 Facebook. Group. 277 00:15:57,520 --> 00:16:00,680 Yeah, you can join the Facebook group and continue to, you know, 278 00:16:00,680 --> 00:16:03,080 check in with us. We're always available to read 279 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:07,280 your DMS and ask or answer any questions that you might have. 280 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:12,640 I think it's also a good time or a good way on the Every Widow 281 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:17,160 Thing Insiders group to connect with people in your area. 282 00:16:17,160 --> 00:16:21,720 We've had a lot of listeners reach out and say they don't 283 00:16:21,720 --> 00:16:26,680 know anybody wherever they live, in other cities, away from. 284 00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:31,560 That's a great, that's, that's actually a great. 285 00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:36,480 I I want to do a podcast episode on that because we have had 286 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:39,960 several people say that they're super lonely and they can't find 287 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,360 their group. So it would be great if we could 288 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:45,520 come up with some helpful tips for those people. 289 00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:49,520 The first tip is go join our Every Widow Thing Insiders group 290 00:16:49,520 --> 00:16:53,240 on Facebook. I've actually met other widows 291 00:16:53,320 --> 00:17:02,000 from Austin whose kids go to College in Colorado through the 292 00:17:02,360 --> 00:17:04,599 college Facebook group, right? And that crazy. 293 00:17:04,599 --> 00:17:06,800 That is crazy. This is a great point. 294 00:17:06,839 --> 00:17:09,920 You know, we have had several people talk about how they feel 295 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:12,480 alone. They are envious that we have 296 00:17:12,480 --> 00:17:17,079 found a group, but we were very lucky because this group came 297 00:17:17,079 --> 00:17:21,520 together mutual friends or in Holly and I's case, the middle 298 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:27,200 school counselor at the school. But then we also all vibed well 299 00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:29,320 together. I mean, we've all met people 300 00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:32,640 that we didn't necessarily become good friends with, so it 301 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:35,960 just worked out. Well, and it's also the right 302 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:40,400 timing and the place you're in and your life. 303 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:43,160 I mean, because I've gone through like, we've all gone 304 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:47,760 through ups and downs and met other people, but I didn't 305 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:52,160 necessarily, like you said, you know, become close friends with 306 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:57,240 or hang out with. Here's what I have been telling 307 00:17:57,240 --> 00:18:03,560 people. Stop chasing like a group, stop 308 00:18:03,560 --> 00:18:06,720 chasing people and go look for things that bring you joy. 309 00:18:07,760 --> 00:18:09,920 So like for you? Boxing. 310 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:12,200 Yeah, and you now? Have a boxing group? 311 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,520 Yes. So you found a couple of 312 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:19,320 exercise groups and you're meeting new people in there and 313 00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:21,440 that's. How I connected with Lacey and 314 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:24,000 Kira in the beginning. Yeah, that's one way. 315 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:28,960 Go join a class, an exercise class or a hiking group. 316 00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:32,840 Or if you enjoy crocheting like there are. 317 00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:34,640 Cooking. Yeah, but. 318 00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:37,160 Fine, take cooking classes. But here's the thing. 319 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:38,960 Because I have so many people to cook, right? 320 00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:42,240 Because you really need to get those skills going. 321 00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:45,480 I mean, travel there has to be like, well, there are. 322 00:18:45,480 --> 00:18:48,440 Travel groups. And remember we had an episode 323 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:52,400 about travel with our friend Tiffany, right? 324 00:18:52,760 --> 00:18:55,480 Rebuilding Joy. So you can find those groups, 325 00:18:55,480 --> 00:18:58,320 but those aren't necessarily groups that you find in your 326 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:00,160 hometown. That's just something that OK. 327 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:01,520 You're right. I'm going off. 328 00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:04,800 Yeah, off the rail. Right, You want to find your 329 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:09,720 group in your hometown, find a group church or yes, and you can 330 00:19:09,720 --> 00:19:11,920 go there's there's something called meetup.com. 331 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:14,880 You can go to Facebook and just type in like Austin. 332 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:19,120 Running And there's the the Austin, what's it called, the 333 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:22,200 Facebook widow group. You and you can try to start 334 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,880 your own. If there's not a group on 335 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:28,600 Facebook, start your own group. See if you can find people that 336 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:30,640 way. But do activities. 337 00:19:30,640 --> 00:19:33,840 Find activities that you enjoy and go do them consistently. 338 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:39,280 It's not one cooking class, it's a six week cooking class course 339 00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:42,040 where you actually get to know some people in the group, or you 340 00:19:42,040 --> 00:19:45,960 go to the same boxing class every week and you get to know 341 00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:48,240 those people. And then the other thing that I 342 00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:54,000 suggest is volunteering. Find a church group, or the YMCA 343 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:59,120 or a food bank or whatever brings you joy at an old 344 00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:02,560 person's home. It's called a nursing home. 345 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,360 And. Nursing home. 346 00:20:06,520 --> 00:20:09,920 Or if you still have school aged children volunteer at their 347 00:20:09,920 --> 00:20:11,800 school. When I first moved here, that's 348 00:20:11,840 --> 00:20:14,920 when I. Don't go back and volunteer at 349 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:16,440 the school. I don't think you're allowed to 350 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:20,680 volunteer if you don't have a kid there then just random 351 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:22,760 people could show up at your kids school. 352 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:24,840 Well, they'll do background checks. 353 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,160 I can take all this out. I don't think so. 354 00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,520 Anyway. Don't give up hope of finding 355 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:33,560 your people. You just have to sometimes dig. 356 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:37,720 Deeper like if you used to have OK. 357 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,360 You just won't let it go. Yes, if you. 358 00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:43,040 I'm like, wait. If your kids went to an 359 00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:46,400 elementary school but they're in college, you could still maybe 360 00:20:46,400 --> 00:20:47,960 show up at the elementary school and be. 361 00:20:47,960 --> 00:20:50,440 Like a little bit. Weird, I'd like to volunteer 362 00:20:50,440 --> 00:20:51,880 here. You get my point though. 363 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:57,760 Go put yourself in situations that bring you joy with people 364 00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:02,040 that you will see consistently and the relationships will come. 365 00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:06,000 Well, this is, I mean, this is exactly what I've been telling 366 00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:09,000 my son. Yeah, that just started college. 367 00:21:09,160 --> 00:21:12,240 His roommate didn't show up. He knows no one. 368 00:21:12,680 --> 00:21:17,440 And I said you are only going to meet people if you put yourself 369 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:20,200 out there. So I told them to go to the rec 370 00:21:20,200 --> 00:21:23,840 center and play basketball, you know, join a club. 371 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:28,080 Yeah, same. Thing it is, it is and it's not 372 00:21:28,080 --> 00:21:30,040 easy. And I recognize, look, when I 373 00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:33,680 moved to Austin, it was going to be difficult even if my husband 374 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:35,440 hadn't died because my kids were. 375 00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:38,480 Now in middle school. You're not having after school 376 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:41,320 play dates where you're sitting there getting to know the other 377 00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:43,760 parent. It it takes more effort. 378 00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:46,120 Wait, you had me over for a play date? 379 00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:49,240 I did. It was an adult play date, but 380 00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:50,440 you know. When Zach came over. 381 00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,680 Yes, no, you're right. I you have to. 382 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:54,560 Make I'm kidding. It's because you lived so far 383 00:21:54,560 --> 00:21:56,520 away. But you exactly, you didn't want 384 00:21:56,520 --> 00:22:00,640 to have to drive back home, but you have to make an effort and 385 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:04,120 and it's not as easy as it was when your kids were in school or 386 00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:06,800 if you had your spouse to be a couple with and go out and meet 387 00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:08,680 other couples. Well, and also, even if you're 388 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:13,520 invited to a party, that was a big thing I had to overcome 389 00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:19,200 walking into a party alone. Go to the party, even if you go 390 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:22,200 alone. I mean, obviously you knew 391 00:22:22,200 --> 00:22:24,600 someone 'cause you were invited. To the party. 392 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:27,960 So go to the party. That's the hard part, especially 393 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:31,600 when you're depressed and down. It's very difficult to even get 394 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:34,600 up and force yourself to take a shower, much less get dressed 395 00:22:34,600 --> 00:22:39,200 and go to a party. It's very awkward, but if you 396 00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:42,880 are truly wanting to find your people then. 397 00:22:43,360 --> 00:22:45,520 Yeah, and it may not always work out. 398 00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:50,040 You may not have fun at that party, but you might have fun at 399 00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:53,240 another party. I mean, you know, you can't like 400 00:22:53,360 --> 00:22:56,000 just say, oh, I don't want to go to a party last time and it 401 00:22:56,000 --> 00:23:01,000 wasn't fun or just or I felt lonely or whatever, but. 402 00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:03,280 A lot of it is about consistency. 403 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:05,960 That's why I was saying if you're going to take a class, 404 00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:09,600 make sure you go to that class multiple times 'cause it's not 405 00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:11,800 like you're going to immediately start talking to people in the 406 00:23:11,800 --> 00:23:15,120 boxing class the first time you go, it's going to take away I. 407 00:23:15,120 --> 00:23:17,000 Know and you only came one time, Whitney. 408 00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:23,840 I don't need any more friends, especially friends that like to 409 00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:26,400 work out you know you want. To find. 410 00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:28,720 Activities that you love doing and then you're going to meet 411 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:30,840 the people that also love to do those things. 412 00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:34,320 One other suggestion that I have, and granted this is one, 413 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:37,160 it really depends on your age I guess. 414 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:42,480 But Bumble is a dating app, but it also has the BFF side where 415 00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:46,160 you can go and put in your information to try to find other 416 00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:48,360 friends who may be in the same boat as you. 417 00:23:49,560 --> 00:23:54,840 No, it's not sad. Holly is making a tears go down 418 00:23:54,840 --> 00:23:58,320 her cheek, but it's not sad. You do what you need to do, you 419 00:23:58,320 --> 00:24:02,840 know, get yourself out there, meet people, try new things. 420 00:24:03,040 --> 00:24:05,160 Don't give up. You do. 421 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:06,800 There are people out there for you. 422 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:08,840 It's just sometimes difficult to find them. 423 00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:11,520 It's just like I would tell my kid, if you go into the lunch 424 00:24:11,520 --> 00:24:14,760 room and you don't have anyone to sit with, find that other kid 425 00:24:14,760 --> 00:24:18,600 that's sitting by themselves. I told I told Zach the same 426 00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:22,480 thing going into the dining hall and he looked at me like I was. 427 00:24:22,680 --> 00:24:25,560 Crazy. It's not easy, especially for 428 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:29,920 someone who is shy, you know, to get put yourself out there. 429 00:24:29,920 --> 00:24:34,760 But if you again can find an activity, maybe lunch, it is a 430 00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:38,040 hard thing. You're finding an activity that 431 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:39,720 you have in common with somebody. 432 00:24:39,720 --> 00:24:43,680 So those are my two cents. But we know it can. 433 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:47,840 Be the bar by yourself. Oh Lord no, do not go to the bar 434 00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:53,880 by yourself on that note. Sit at the bar at a restaurant. 435 00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:59,880 Why you're no eat OK, but Howard no and meet people. 436 00:25:00,240 --> 00:25:02,800 OK, take this part out. No dude, it's staying in. 437 00:25:03,080 --> 00:25:06,840 I don't, I don't know, look, maybe, maybe, who knows. 438 00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:10,160 Do what makes you feel comfortable, but find something 439 00:25:10,160 --> 00:25:12,920 that brings your door. Oh, the dog park if you have a 440 00:25:12,920 --> 00:25:15,320 dog. If you don't have a dog, I. 441 00:25:15,320 --> 00:25:18,800 Keep meaning to do that. Maybe get a dog and then you 442 00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:20,840 walk the dog and you go to the dog park. 443 00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:23,320 It takes a little bit of time, but don't give up. 444 00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:27,680 And again, join our Every Widow Thing insider group where you 445 00:25:27,680 --> 00:25:30,800 can meet some people that way that at least I know it's 446 00:25:30,800 --> 00:25:35,640 virtual, but at least it gives you a little bit of a connection 447 00:25:36,000 --> 00:25:38,160 why you're trying to. Find there have been people that 448 00:25:38,160 --> 00:25:40,880 have connected. I think they were from San Diego 449 00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:44,920 maybe that have connected on the insider. 450 00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:47,480 Group. One other suggestion, if you 451 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:52,200 aren't working, consider getting a part time job substitute teach 452 00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:53,680 at your local. Schools. 453 00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:56,760 Lots of children. Well, you've learned to you, 454 00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:58,720 you. You can meet the parents or you 455 00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:00,960 can meet people in the office. I don't know. 456 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:04,160 Do something. To get out of your house, you're 457 00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:07,120 definitely not gonna meet anyone sitting in your room. 458 00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:10,480 Go to a coffee shop and open up your laptop and pretend like 459 00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:14,680 you're working. These are all really great 460 00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:18,040 ideas. Anyway, it's not easy, 461 00:26:18,040 --> 00:26:20,840 especially when you're grieving. And then it's awkward too 462 00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:23,040 because you're like, hi, my name's Whitney, my husband's 463 00:26:23,040 --> 00:26:26,400 dead. And then everyone's like, nice 464 00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:29,720 to meet you, but it is doable. Don't give up. 465 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:31,720 Yeah, don't give up. Don't give up. 466 00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:34,640 Keep going. Keep going survive and thrive 467 00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:39,840 all right until next time guys thanks for listening and again, 468 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:44,560 we really appreciate the audience that we have don't stop 469 00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:47,360 connecting with us on our social media. 470 00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:51,760 We will be back with lots more stories, advice and we. 471 00:26:51,800 --> 00:26:56,960 Also love DMS and emails. Thank you for those who have 472 00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:59,800 sent things in. Yeah, yeah, it's nice. 473 00:26:59,800 --> 00:27:02,640 And we can hear from people. We hope you have a great week. 474 00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:03,600 We'll be back soon.