Have you ever thought about what happens when the time comes to
say goodbye to your horse? It's a difficult subject, isn't
it, that no horse owner wants to think through, But how are you
prepared? For 30 years, Blue Cross have
put in place a support team that can help you cope and they
recognize that there are many, many types of loss within the
equestrian world through death, separation.
Or if your vet is given a difficult diagnosis and you're
facing the decision to euthanize your horse, It may be that you
or a member of your family has had to rehome a much loved pony
or your animal may have been lost or stolen.
So how can we cope with the loss of our beloved horse, and what
should we be thinking about or preparing for in advance?
Sophie Cookson King, a pet loss support training officer at Blue
Cross, joins us with expert help and advice.
Sophie, welcome to Curious Equestrian.
Thanks so much, Anna Louise. Now, Sophie, when we come to buy
our horses or rescue our horses, something we never think about
as owners and guardians of horses is losing them.
We think about our lives together.
So how do we prepare as owners for that loss, if it's at all
possible to? Yeah, it's, it's never a nice
thing to think about, is it? It's something that we never
want to consider when we're taking on a new equine.
Quite understandably, we're getting them because we want to
enjoy them, not because we want to think about the end of their
lives or, or the end of time that we spend with them.
But arguably, I think it's one of the most important steps and
and journeys that we would take together with a horse or a pony.
So we would really like to think about people considering it as
far in advance. This can sound really scary and
it's not something that we want to think about, but adequately
planning and thinking in advance, you need to consider
options like the actual methods for euthanasia if that's going
to be considered, options for disposal of the body after
death. If it's rehoming, you need to
think about rehoming options of where you may like your horse or
pony to go if you were no longer able to care for them and being
able to make these decisions prior to you feeling in that
really stressed, anxious space of when the time actually comes.
If you're able to have some forethought to that and let some
important people know, whether that be your yard manager,
friends or family so that they can also carry out your wishes
if you're not available as well. I think that it is not nice to
think about, but a really responsible thing to do for our
our loved horses. And Sophie, can you talk us
through what that process is like when you mention euthanasia
and, and saying goodbye to our horses and that loss at the end?
I've never seen a horse die. So I don't know even what that
looks like from an owner's perspective.
Is it quite hard to obviously it's, it's hard to lose any pet.
And I've, I've lost dogs over the years, which is
heartbreaking to put them to sleep.
But with a horse, we're talking of a large animal, you know,
half a ton beast. What happens in that process?
And I can imagine it's quite distressing to watch an animal
of that size pass away. Yeah.
So this is a a question that we get a lot at pet loss support.
And so it is a completely normal worry to have and especially if
it's not something that you have experienced before, that can
feel really, really daunting. So there are two methods for
euthanasia within the UK. Both of them are humane.
And I think it's really important to stress that
euthanasia actually comes from the term good death.
So both of these, no matter what maybe horror stories might come
about from people ultimately when you tell or share with
friends, family, other people on the yard.
I know I do find it a strange thing when people like to share
horror stories all of a sudden when you've made the decision as
to where you'd like to, how you'd like it to happen.
So the the two options would be firstly for the lethal injection
that can only be carried out by a vet.
So that would be something that you would need to talk in
conjunction with your vet about. And of course they will advise
you as to when that might be appropriate within the the
horse's life or stage of their diagnosis, if it's to do with an
illness or an injury. And with that, you need to have
some considerations as to physically where it's going to
be done. So the vet will will have to
have good access, they'll have to be a safe level area for the
horse to drop on their side. But this is a a procedure that
the owners can probably be more involved with if they wish.
So if you would like to be present, you can be.
But again, there's absolutely no right or wrong to that as to
whether you would like to be there.
So you could be present for it. And what you will see is the
horse will be injected into their neck.
A catheter will usually be introduced.
So it's a consideration that if your horse is needle shy that
this might not be the most the best option for them.
And the injection will be inserted and that will be slowly
at 1st and then introduced as a bolus.
So quite fast injection in the second-half.
And what will happen is that your horse will firstly go under
sedation, so they will be unconscious and then their heart
will will stop. So you'll see your horse fall
over to the side and the vet will always be guiding the
horse. So you will be asked to step
away from holding your horse at that point.
But they will fall. And then with either method,
including the other method I'm going to talk about, horses can
have take some agonal breaths. So that can sound like gasps,
which can be a bit worrying if you're not aware that that could
happen. There could be some movement in
their legs or they could urinate or defecate as well.
Now the other option is to have your animal shot.
So this can I think evoke quite strong feelings from people,
again, completely understandably, but that can be
carried out by a vet that has a firearm licence or by what we
call in the UK an Ackerman. So this will be a hopefully a
licensed collector that will be licensed with Defra and they are
usually very skilled people who will make sure that your heart
horse is nice and calm beforehand.
You may choose to have your horse sedated before this
happens, but it isn't always necessary and the muzzle of the
gun will be placed up to your horse's forehead and discharged,
so this is something to be aware of.
If your horse is head shy, this probably isn't going to be the
best option for them, but what is lovely is that they can
probably have the head in a bucket of apples or carrots or
their favorite mix right beforehand.
It is extremely quick and what you will find is that they fall
faster than via lethal injection.
There may be some blood from the the bullet site, but again, they
might experience the same bodily functions if they were to be
euthanized by lethal injection. So you might have some movement
of their legs and urination. So one, when both methods have
finished, it will then be that the vet or the Nacaman will
check that the horse has died. So the vet will listen to the
heartbeat, but they will also check for reflexes.
And the last reflex to go is the eye reflex.
So you will touch the eye and if the horse does not blink, then
it means that that they've deceased.
So. Gosh, it's it's a.
Lot of. Difficult, Yeah, such a
difficult subject, Sophie, isn't it, to discuss when we're
talking about our, you know, our much loved best friends, family
members, companions, particularly with horses that
may have been with us for 20-30 years.
And it is just shocking to me that it is such a dramatic end,
isn't it? You know, I'm just comparing it
with my beloved 3 dogs that I've lost over my lifetime and, and
the end process with them. Absolutely heart wrenching.
All of us that have lost a pet know how heartbreaking our
animals are and how difficult it and distressing it is saying
goodbye. But with a dog, they can sit in
your lap or you can lay with them or you can cuddle them.
But with our horses, because of the sheer size, I've actually
found it so difficult to think about the options, knowing that
you have to step away. You have to, you know, you
actually have to let the professionals take over in a
moment. Want to be closest to them?
Yeah, that again is a completely natural response.
They are our beloved friends and family members.
I think it would be important to make the distinction that
although it might feel dramatic or not a very nice thing for us
to witness, the horse doesn't know what's coming on on either
methods. So for your horse, it's
completely humane. But what it doesn't do is is
that doesn't lessen the feelings that can be evoked by that
moment for you as an owner or a carer or guardian.
So it's really important to do what feels right for you.
Some people do like to be present and some people don't.
And either is absolutely OK. There really isn't right or
wrong, no matter how much judgement you might hear.
And Sophie, I'm gonna ask the difficult question that we're
all thinking right now with the gunshots is the last thing that
they hear the sound of the gun going off?
Death is instantaneous. So there has as far as I'm
aware, no research has gone into what horses hear when they are
shot. I know that there has been
research into what they hear when they are sedated and then
euthanized by a lethal injection.
And as soon as they are under sedation, they're not able to
you know that that stops what their their consciousness.
So the the method by free bullet is honestly so so quick that
horse won't be aware as to what's happening.
It will be that they have their head in a bucket of feed.
And is it also worth considering with the gunshot option?
And the reason I ask is for those listening who might
actually be having to make that call right now as to whether
they go for euthanasia or whether, as you mentioned, you
call out the knacker man and, and weighing up options when you
hold that gun to the horse's head, they're obviously going to
be aware of that. And for those of a nervous
disposition, I would just warn that I'm about to mention a
story involving a sheep. So to skip on about a minute or
so. But Sophie, the reason I ask is
because I heard a story about a sheep that the NACA man was
called to the sheep. It was a ram.
The NACA man held the gun to the sheep's head.
The sheep was distressed by the gun and then managed to sort of
push the knack man out the way and, and it was all quite
distressing for all involved. And a shot was fired into the
air. And it's sort of, I heard this
story through the Grapevine. And like you mentioned, isn't it
interesting that when you're talking about euthanasia,
suddenly everyone has a story to share and you kind of hear these
pass from pillar to post round yards and, and sort of other
experiences. Will the horse be distressed by
that gun being planted to its forehead?
So for all of the horses that I have witnessed being shot, which
unfortunately for me is a fair few that I've been present at
euthanasia for the horses are it's all of the, the NACA men or
collectors will be very, very experienced in what they do.
So great care is taken to make sure that that horse is as
comfortable and as relaxed as possible.
If the horse has sedation, then obviously the the horse will be
relaxed. Depending on whether they've had
an an oral or an intravenous or an intramuscular sedation, the
edge will be taken off there. But I've seen plenty of horses
where they have not been sedated first and a great care is taken
to make sure that they can smell the gun, that they see it.
It's not that it's being hidden from them.
They will rub the horse's head with their hand with the gun in
it. So it's not like it's a quick
process. It's a considered and
professional service that you would be receiving.
And do we have to also think of the other horses on the yard in
terms of the gunshot being fired?
Do you recommend it if you're part of a large livery riding
school or Seoul UC yard with other horses in the field?
I think that that would be personal preference and is
definitely a discussion point that needs to be had.
Depends on what horses are desensitised to as well.
Some horses won't notice a a a gunshot and other horses could
be distressed by loud bangs. So I think it would be kind to
discuss what the plans might be with other people on the
premises, making sure that their horses are of course cared for
as well. If there is a loud bang, that's
going to happen, but with all euthanasia's, who is present
needs to be considered. So can it be a time of day when
there's less people on the yard, when there's less horses,
there's less movement around and there is, of course, the
implication of safety with a firearm.
So there again, the the Knack man will be speaking to you
about where is appropriate for this to happen.
The actual location. They'll take great care to make
sure that, again, there are no animals, no people surrounding
in, you know, behind the direction of where that gun is
going to be shot. Do you know, Sophie, it's such a
difficult job what you do and one that actually we don't
consider often enough. I think, you know, we always
talk about trying to make the lives of our vets and our
farriers easier and thinking about people in equine
professional jobs and the risks of their jobs.
But actually, the job you do must take a real toll on your
mental health, having to, you know, consider the horses at
their the end of their life and also help those who have lost
their beloved horses as well. I think anyone that's in a
caring industry will know that yes, at times it can be
incredibly tough, but there's no doubt about it that the service
that Blue Cross provides through the pet loss support service is
so needed. There was a study, a survey that
that we took and it found that about 46% of pet owners said
that they'd had to suffer in silence after losing a pet.
You know, that's a huge amount of people who will be struggling
with pet loss alone. And what an awful thing that we
are going through a process that we know pet loss elicits the
same grief response as a human loss.
And so it's awful that, you know, almost 50% of pet owners
are feeling that they have to do that alone.
So it is so important what we do.
And last year pet loss support helped more than 30,000 pet
owners and that will be people that own all different species
of pets. Wow.
Now tell us, Sophie, what inspired the launch of the free
helpline as well? I like to, you know, actually
stress that this is a free service that you're offering,
which is actually quite difficult to come by when you
put anything, you know, the word equestrian in front of anything.
Yes, it's, it's an expensive hobby to have, isn't it?
So really what inspired pet loss support was lots to do with the
research that was coming out in terms of US starting to
understand that pets aren't just pets, they're family members.
We can see them like children. If we think about horses alone,
they can be companions. We use them as competition
animals there where we get our exercise and how we chat to our
friends, so they have multiple roles.
So when we feel their loss, we feel it really, really strongly.
And we just really wanted to make sure that no one had to
navigate that often overwhelming journey of pet loss alone.
So yeah, as you said, it's a, it's a free and a confidential
helpline. It's run by trained volunteers
every day of the year, 8:30 in the morning until 8:30 at night.
So we have to make sure that no one can endure the the pain of
losing a pet alone. And as you've so kindly run us
through Sophie and it is difficult to hear, I have to
say, even though I was ready for this conversation today, you
don't quite realise what you're going to be imagining when we're
having these conversations about the loss of a horse and
imagining, you know, having to step back from your essentially
your best friend, your family member in those final moments,
you know, having to allow clearance for the horse to fall.
You know, this is not something that we deal with in terms of
our pet dogs and our pet cats. We don't have to see them fall
to the floor. And actually there's many levels
of losing the horse now that I can understand is very
distressing for that owner. Not just the loss and the
heartbreak of not being able to be with our, our beloved equine
every day because we've lost them and, and we're no longer
with them, but actually the trauma in that moment of losing
the animal and watching it fall to the floor.
Is this something, Sophie, that you're used to hearing on the
helpline? Is this something that people
find distressing? Is there like a a trauma,
trauma, a trauma that's sort of left behind?
Yes, absolutely. And I think a really important
distinction to make is that for horse owners particularly equine
loss is not always recognised as being something that is accepted
by society as being a traumatic thing.
And I think even within the pet owning community, understandably
dogs and cats, a lot of people own them and so they understand
or can understand the the the hole that's felt when we don't
have them anymore. But horses, of course, they're
expensive both the financially time, you know, effort, energy.
So not as many people own horses.
So even within that pet owning sphere, people don't always
understand how painful it can be to lose a horse.
And we hear many horse owners contacting the service saying
that they feel guilty is now the right time, wishing that they
could have had longer, wishing maybe they made the choice too
late and they're feeling concerned about that.
So I suppose I would like to urge that any feeling that you
do feel, whether it's before, during or after the loss of your
horse, we will have heard and supported someone on the line
like you, and you're not alone in that process.
Yeah, and, and you're so right. There's so many different
aspects to being a horse owner like you mentioned, actually in
the workplace, if you're dealing with the loss of your dog or
your cat. I remember when I lost my
beloved Ella, our little rescue dog, I had to call in sit the
next day to work and I said to everyone, you know, I'm so sorry
I can't come in because I'm absolutely distraught.
We've just unexpectedly said goodbye to our dog and I was
flooded with emails because obviously my colleagues had all
lost a dog at some point as well.
And, and everyone sympathised and empathised.
And I've known other colleagues that couldn't go to work because
of the loss of their dog. But I think I've only ever
worked in a workplace where there's been one other person
that's had horses, as you mentioned, they're not as
common, commonly kept as pets and they're expensive and, and
they're difficult and they're very much that unique lifestyle
that we all enter into as as passionate equestrians.
So immediately there's less of a community ready to help, help
you through and send you a message or a text or an e-mail
to, to empathise. And that's what really can help
you through, isn't it at work, if if your colleagues and your
friends understand what you're going through, but immediately
you're slightly different to everyone else if you're talking
about a horse. Yes.
And what you're explaining there, Anna Louise, is something
called disenfranchised loss. And that is when a loss is not
recognised by society and that can feel so alienating.
And again, it's something that we see time and time again with
horse owners contacting the service that they are feeling
completely at a loss and like a lot of, not a lot of people
understand them. Would you also say, Sophie, that
because horses are now seen as pets and family members and I'm,
and we all know that horses over the years have had jobs, have
been purely for competition or if we go back many, many moons
ago, they were our transport, they were our, you know, our
colleagues, they were working for the family.
Now we do keep them as leisure horses and as pets and as family
members. So are your services needed on
the helpline more than ever now? Are you seeing numbers
increasing because actually horses are much loved members of
the family rather than being, you know, having a job or having
a service within the family? Definitely yes, that would be
the short answer. But yes, we we see time and time
again that horse owners are having a much deeper or wider
connection with their horse and that their horse usually doesn't
mean just one thing to them. It will be a multitude of things
and there will be people that cite that horses feel like
they're children, perhaps they've chosen not to have
children or can't have children. And that horse and everything
that they encapsulate really fill that need to care for
another. So they have a a huge variety of
roles within our lives. So it is absolutely not a
surprise that their loss is felt more heavily.
And there have been so many studies that show that the more
connected we feel to an animal and the more roles that they
have in our lives, the more we feel their the more we grieve
and feel their loss when they're not here anymore.
And of course, there are different kinds of loss as well
with our horses. So there are planned losses as
as you explained to us, Sophie, Sophie, where we have to make a
decision as an owner, whether we go via the gun or whether we go
for euthanasia with the vet or whether we do actually sedate
and then use the gun. So there's a really difficult
decision that has to be made there in in the pre planning.
But then of course, there's the awful situation where our horse
dies of something in the field, or we arrive and our horse is
dead, or we are we arrive and it's too late.
So I'm imagining you also are dealing with very different
reactions to grief and and very different scenarios of of loss
of a horse. Yes, and also loss doesn't have
to just be deaf. You might need to sell or rehome
your horse. Your child might have outgrown
their pony and they're needing to upscale to, you know, a a
larger pony. Not all of us can afford to keep
multiple horses. Some of us can't afford to keep
1. So there are lots of reasons.
Really hope that it wouldn't ever happen to anyone.
But horses can be stolen as well.
So there are different types of loss and.
And grief isn't a response that happens just because of death.
It's a response that happens from loss of contact with
someone that you love. So we support a lot of horse
owners as well that have not only lost their horse through
death, but perhaps they've had to rehome or sell their horse
for a number of different reasons.
And again, that isn't recognised by society as a true loss.
And I myself had to sell my horse back in March and I was
utterly devastated. And I, I still AM.
And even though I'm, I, I train people in this, I speak about it
all the time, The depth that I felt his loss was unbelievable
to me, even though it was a choice that I made.
I didn't want to have to make it, but I, I had to.
And it was one of the most painful processes that I've been
through. And that's awful.
How then, Sophie, do you support others when you're going through
exactly what they're going through yourself?
How do you then have the strength to actually work with
horses and with other horse owners as well that are needing
support? There's no doubt that I had to
take a step away from it for a little bit.
And because Blue Cross Pet Loss Support supports owners of all
species of pets, I had to take a step back from the equine world
for a bit. So it's important that, you
know, that aspect of self-care is really important.
And I, I think that owners, we as owners can also put that to
ourselves as well. That if you're going through the
loss of your horse or the loss of another animal, or in fact
any loss that you are feeling really upset and struck, struck
with some grief over, it's important to make sure that
you're looking after yourself as well.
We don't always have the ability to take time off work for the
loss of a of a pet. And that again, is something
that within society, I believe that we should be allowed some
compassionately for the, the death of a of a pet.
And we're lucky at Blue Cross that we have access to support
like that. But be kind to yourself.
If you need to take some time off work, if you need to take
some time away from being around horses, that's OK.
I think people will, when they're wanting to support
someone or a, a friend that's lost a, a, a horse, people
within the equine community are often so generous with their
time and their, their horses and they'll say, you know, please
come and ride mine or spend time with mine.
And actually, if that's not feeling right for you at that
time, that's OK. It, it doesn't mean that you're
ungrateful. It it means that you've just got
to take time to process that in your own way.
And Sophie, it's so important that you mention that there are
different types of loss because we are in a cost of living
crisis and we've seen the huge leaping costs that it, you know,
that it does afford to keep a horse.
Now, very sadly, it's becoming more and more difficult for
horse owners throughout the country.
Whatever situation anyone's in, with the rise in feed, the rise
in stabling, there's less land now.
Livery costs and all the rest of it we all know too well.
Are you seeing a rise in people not being able to afford their
horse on the helpline and having to deliver that support to those
who actually have had to say goodbye and then see their horse
go on to another family who can afford them?
Yes, I would say that on the helpline we're noticing an
increase in people citing that, but also we're seeing it at our
two rehoming centres for for horses and ponies.
They're based in Burford and at Ralston and we are noticing an
increase in the requests of people needing to rehome their
horse or pony because of financial reasons.
Again, there can be a lot of shame and guilt around this and
understandably I, I myself felt it when I was going through that
process. But you will ultimately be doing
what is best for your horse and also best for you.
We know that financial struggles can be extremely stressful for
people and if you're not able to to continue that ownership
anymore, then you're doing a responsible thing by rehoming or
or or selling. And that's so important to
remember and just talk us through.
Sophie, what kind of support you offer on the helpline?
Is it a counselling service? So as I say, we're open seven
days a week, 365 days of the year.
We offer three different types of support on the the line.
So we have a free, it's all free, but a telephone option
that you can use where you'll be speaking to trained volunteers.
All of our volunteers have been through an 8 week training
process so and they have all lost a pet themselves as well.
So they do have an understanding of that grieving process.
We also have an e-mail service that people can contact us via.
We also provide a web chat service.
So that is a live chat room that people will be able to, again,
speak to a trained volunteer completely confidentially in a
secure chat room. So that's really lovely.
If you're not feeling so comfortable to talk to someone
over the phone, that can be a really lovely option for people
as well. I think it's also worthwhile
saying that we support support people of any age as well.
So we do support children all the way up through to elderly
people. So people as long as they are
feeling the loss of an animal and that can be before, during
or after that loss, there's no time frame on it.
You are welcome to speak to us and receive some support and
that important listening ear. And I'm so glad you mentioned
that it's able to be used by children as well, Sophie,
because as you mentioned, you know, it is something within the
equestrian world that they experience outgrowing horses,
which is very different to the pet ownership of dogs and cats,
where that is a friend for life children.
Some children will have to go through losing a horse just
because they've outgrown them, which is a really, really
difficult aspect of horse ownership that is actually very
confusing to horse lovers who have to then give up their horse
because of the situation that is to do with riding, not just to
do with ownership. So are are you finding that
there are many children that will use your services, Sophie,
because of that and for that reason?
There's still quite a limited amount of children using the
service. We do get children that I would
say would be early teens maybe contacting the service and
that's quite often through our web chat service.
But what we do see a lot of is parents who are feeling unsure
or overwhelmed with the prospect of having to speak to their
child about pet loss. They will contact us to get some
support themselves. And if you head to our website
whichisbluecross.org.uk PLS for pet loss support and then we
have lots of things on there, workbooks et cetera, for how to
support children through pet loss as well.
So children can quite often find the physical aspect of
remembering an animal really useful, whether that be planting
a plant, writing a letter to that animal, making a scrapbook
of memories. So there's some ideas on our
website as to how you can support children through pet
loss as well. Oh that is really lovely.
How? How are you finding people that
need you? Are vets referring them to you?
Are you reaching out on social media?
How are people finding your new helpline?
Yeah, so we've been going for 30 years now.
So definitely word of mouth is a way that people will find the
support, but we see a huge number of people learning about
us through their vets. So whether that be the actual
euthanasia appointment or whether there's some quality of
life discussions that are happening.
So that's then when people will usually hear about us through
their vet as well. So I would say that it would be
vet vets and word of mouth that are the main reason why people
will will use the service. And tell us, Sophie, about your
lovely training offices. Sorry.
Now let me, let me do that again.
Sophie, tell us about your lovely support officers on the
end of the phone. You mentioned there's 8 weeks of
training, but what sort of people were there to greet those
in need? Are they, you know, are they
counsellors and therapists? Are they people that have been
through it themselves? You know what sort of warmth
will be greeted at the end of the phone for someone that
actually needs you. Yeah.
So I can, I can guarantee it will be an empathic listening
ear at the end of the phone. So we have about 350 wonderful
volunteers who man that the service and they as I say have
gone through 8 weeks worth of training but they are from a
huge variety of backgrounds. We do have people that are maybe
counsellors or psychotherapists. We have people that have been
nurses, carers and then we have people that have not done any, I
suppose support services prior and but have experienced pet
loss, understand how profoundly that affected them and are
wanting to support others that are going through that.
So they are trained through some really robust training.
That's all been written in house by us and it's a condensed
version of the fully accredited course that we train vets and
other industry professionals with.
So it's a really great base level for people to have have
gone through and experienced. And we make sure that our
volunteers are trained to a high standard because of course,
we've got a duty of care to people accessing the service.
We want to make sure that people are being listened to
appropriately and, and supported in the best way that they can
be. So I think the, the main thing
though, is that they will listen to you and which I think is, is
rare. I, I don't know about you, Anna
Louise, but usually when we share something painful that's
happened to us with loved ones or colleagues, we might be met
with people trying to put a bit of a silver lining around it or,
or take our pain away. You know, they don't want to see
us feeling like that, but that can also maybe leave us our, our
feelings being minimised or maybe not heard.
And we would really, really hope to that all of our volunteers
will be there to actively listen to you and, and not try to share
anything about themselves. Although all of our volunteers
have experienced their own pet loss, they're not there to to
chat it through with you, they're there to listen to you.
We've all been through sort of, well, all sorts of people that
will begin what I call the pain Olympics.
Oh, but you know, my situation was way worse than yours.
You know, it becomes sometimes when you open up about a pain or
a loss, someone will say, well, actually, I can almost outdo you
with what I've been through, and then it becomes about them.
So I totally get what you're saying about the importance of
being listened to and actually talk about your story rather
than then taking on someone else's experiences at the same
time. Yeah, yeah.
I quite often call those people 11 A reef because if you've been
to Tenerife, they've been to 11 A reef.
There's always a buzzword, isn't there, for that sort of person.
Yeah, yeah. And oh gosh, isn't it exhausting
when you're, you're maybe running on empty as is and
you've reached out to someone just for a bit of a, a listening
ear and you're, you're not met with that at all.
And, and something that I think can also be quite unhelpful to
hear is that the term at least. So we'll, that's what I mean by
trying to put that silver lining around it that, you know, I've,
I've lost my house. Well, at least he was 30, you
know, he had such a great life with you.
And, and yes, that is to be commended that a horse got to an
old age, but it it, it doesn't mean that that loss is any less.
Sophie, what do we do if employers, friends, family,
colleagues around us don't have a clue or an understanding about
the loss of a of a horse? How can we bridge the gap?
Yeah, something that I will quite often try and live by is
that I can't change other people's behaviour, but I can
change my own. And so I would suggest that of
course, if you're, if it's a really close person to you,
maybe a spouse, brother, sister, children that are not
understanding it and it's leaving you feeling quite
isolated or upset, is to, to, to speak to them and, and really
ask that they, they listen to you without judgment.
And, and that can feel quite scary and vulnerable.
But I think with people who are important figures in your life,
it's really good if you can advocate for yourself, as
difficult as that might be. However, if it's someone who's
maybe on the yard, we always have that one person on a livery
yard, don't we? That's, you know, got an opinion
about everything. If it's someone that maybe is
just sharing opinions and not getting it and they're not that
important to you, let them do their thing.
Don't worry about what their opinion is of your situation.
You've got to do what feels right for you.
You and your horse are #1 in this scenario.
And you've mentioned children and the activities they can do.
What extra help and support do they need when losing a horse
that an adult doesn't necessarily need?
Or are we all the same? Now, a lot of that can depend on
age with children and what age they are and maybe at what stage
of development they are also considering about whether the
child or adult is neurodiverse as well.
So there are lots of different considerations that we have to
make when we're supporting someone who is grieving.
So I would say one of the the biggest takeaways for supporting
children and young people is to, if appropriate, involve them and
involve them in that conversation.
Try not to hideaway the fact that the pony is being sold or
the pony is poorly. This can quite often be the
first time that children can have their first experience of
death or loss is through a pet loss.
So it is important to be upfront with them and to use language
that they understand. And something that we will quite
often try and do is soften our language again because it feels
like a bit of a, a sticky area to talk about, but we might use
terms like put to sleep instead of euthanasia.
Now put to something like put to sleep might not be so great for
children because they can take things more literally.
And so if a child sees that the pony has been put to sleep and
then later on mum and dad are talking about going to sleep,
that might make them feel worried about themselves
sleeping. Mum and dad sleeping because the
pony went to sleep and never came back.
Could that happen to me as well? So there's subtle language
shifts that you might need to consider making.
And so say we have lots of information on our website about
supporting children and also if you're a parent that is worried
or feeling apprehensive about speaking to your child, please
contact Pet Loss Support and we will be more than happy to
support you as well. You've mentioned briefly,
Sophie, about getting another horse and I know you say that
we're all individual and that is so true.
But how do you deal with the time when we do want to get
another horse and when is that right time is there, is there a
recommendation on that? There's no recommendation on it
because it's how long is a piece of string?
It's really got to be down to you as the person who is going
to give a home to another animal.
Now there might be certain things that you would like to
try before maybe purchasing another horse.
Perhaps you if you don't currently have a horse, you
could try spending time at the yard again, maybe where you're
going to be keeping it. How does it feel to be there and
be around horses again? You could loan a horse or share
a horse, you know, start easing yourself back in and, and maybe
riding or doing groundwork with other people's horses so you can
start to get that taster of what it feels like to be back in that
community before you take the plunge and and buy a horse
again. It might be that you actually
just want to stay learning or sharing you just dipping your
toe into the water. Or it might be that you cannot
imagine life without a horse at all, and you simply must go and
get another horse quite quickly afterwards.
There can be judgement from people about that.
And again, it's not wrong, it's just different.
People do things differently and we must try and respect each
other's decisions. As long as it's not harming
another person or an animal, we must respect what feels right
for each other. It's, it is an interesting
dynamic, isn't it, That sometimes it helps us to replace
that hole in our lives. And I know like you've mentioned
as well, we see that with our cats and dogs.
I know when I lost my beloved Ella, you know, people saying,
oh, get a dog straight away because that will fill the gap.
It will make home, you know, house feel like a home again.
And whilst it is empty in my life without her and there is a
dog shaped hole in my heart, we just haven't been able to get
another dog because of that pain and that emotion.
Sophine, what do we do if our horse is feeling a sense of loss
after losing a herd mate? So there are a number of
different ways that horses can exhibit grief responses.
There hasn't been a huge amount of research into it, but you
will of course know stress signals from horses.
Some might start running around, they might be vocalising, they
might be defecating more, weaning more.
So there are certain signs that you'll be able to see tension in
the face, scraping at the pouring at the ground.
So it's really important that you keep an eye out for what
might be stress signals for your horses companions.
I think something that is really important to note is of course
we we talk about horses and ponies, but there will be people
hopefully listening to this podcast that have donkeys and
mules as well. And the donkeys in particular
can be really susceptible to something called hyperlipaemia.
Now that is a bodily function that is a stress response where
it came from the wild when their prey animals that if something
stressful happens to them, they have a big release of fat into
their bloodstream so that they can use that as energy to keep
running away from the the stress.
Of course, when they're not actually using that fat that has
been mobilised into the bloodstream, it can start to
clot into major arteries, things like their heart, their liver,
and it can start to shut down their system and it can be
fatal. So donkeys we know also have a
really strong bond with one another and they they can be
pair bonded. So it is extremely important
that if a a bonded pair or a companion of a donkey is
euthanized or a bit more difficult if they're being
rescued and moved, but if they've been, if they've died,
that that donkey is able to see the body and spend time with the
body of the deceased companion. This is now becoming more
widespread with horses and ponies as well, and it is
something that is recognized as being usually beneficial for the
remaining companion. So it might feel slightly
unnatural for us and you might see that the horse or pony or or
donkey maybe nips at the companion that's died pause at
them in an attempt to get them up.
They might just sniff them and walk away.
Or they might be completely unbothered and just go about
grazing or or eating their their their hay.
So if you can allow time for the companions to see, sniff and be
with the deceased animal, we need to make sure that there is
companionship available for the remaining horses.
That's quite an important aspect as as we know of horse carers.
So if this is a time that you're able to plan for euthanasia or
plan for rehoming or selling, make sure that the remaining
horses have companionship. But there can be real nuances to
this, as there is with everything.
So if you are worried about the remaining horses, speak to your
vet, see if there's anything that you can do to help them.
Maybe some enrichment is needed. Make sure that you try and stick
to their routine. We know that equines are so
routine driven, so those little things can can be really helpful
and just keeping a close eye on the companions in the days
following. And should we be aware, Sophie,
of any symptoms that we may be feeling or noting ourselves when
we've lost our beloved horse? Signs of grief, signs that we're
not coping and signs that actually we should be using your
helpline service. If otherwise we've thought we're
we're OK, we're dealing with it. It's interesting that you said
the term not coping, and I think that this is something that we
can be really quite hard on ourselves within, especially the
equine community that we should be getting on with, with what
we're doing. You know, that there's jobs to
do, there's people to feed. We're, we're always going to be
moving forward and showing yourself some kindness at a time
like this is really, really important.
There can be a huge array of things that we can experience
when we're grieving. We can have of course, physical
responses to it. Emotional reactions to grief can
be so far and wide. So again, it's important to not
be harsh on yourself or maybe others if they're grieving in a
different way to how you would would react as well.
But I wouldn't say that there has to be a baseline for you to
contact Blue Cross. We are there for anyone and
everyone and it doesn't matter if you would like to ask a
question and you've got some wonderings, if you're just
wanting to cry, if you're wanting to share memories, it
doesn't matter. You are all welcome to spend
time with us on the helpline. And without naming any names,
can you share with us, Sophie, some, some of those people that
you've helped where you've heard feedback as to how the talking
has helped? Because I know some people
think, oh, like you say, you know, we're practical people, us
equestrians, we can get on. We're, we're dealing with it.
We've got things, you know, animals to feed, families to
sort, you know, it's all under control.
But can you give us an example of of those who have helped, who
might have fed back and said, actually This is why talking has
helped me in my life? Quite a lot of the people, and
certainly not all but quite a lot, can feel isolated for one
reason or another. That could be because they don't
have anyone around them that they feel they can talk to and
are supported by. Perhaps friends and family
members aren't quite understanding it and it's lovely
to be able to just be heard and held in that space.
And we have people that contact us for years after the loss of
their horse. So there there isn't an end time
frame to that. It's a significant loss and we
have an increasing number of equestrians contacting the
service, Which it makes me feel so happy because we're usually a
very stoic breed of people, aren't we?
And we don't need to be all the time.
Sophie, thank you so much for coming on Curious Equestrian.
For those listening who really would like to use your service
or maybe they know a loved one or someone in their circle that
really needs you for your service.
How do they find you in getting in touch?
Absolutely. So they can contact us, as I
said, from 8:30 AM to 8:30 PM every day, including Christmas
Day. Our telephone number is
08000966606. You can also reach the team via
e-mail and our e-mail address is plsmail@bluecross.org.uk and we
have our live web chat that is available at
bluecross.org.uk/PLS. And it goes to say as well,
there is so much literature and information on our website as
well about grieving and also the animals that are maybe left
behind as well. So we have support for people
and animals on our website. Thank you so much Sophie, for
coming on Curious Equestrian. It means so much to us.
Real pleasure speaking to you today.
Thank you for inviting us to talk about what's sometimes
quite an uncomfortable but necessary conversation.
So thank you.