1 00:00:21,210 --> 00:00:24,850 Hello again and welcome back to another episode of Not for 2 00:00:24,850 --> 00:00:28,130 Everyone. A podcast hosted by a hater and 3 00:00:28,130 --> 00:00:30,970 a lover. A podcast hosted by two 4 00:00:30,970 --> 00:00:32,850 scientists who are not scientists. 5 00:00:32,850 --> 00:00:38,130 Never have been, never will be. A podcast hosted by me, Jess and 6 00:00:38,730 --> 00:00:43,810 the love of my life Caroline and podcast that has a pretty big 7 00:00:43,810 --> 00:00:49,000 announcement today, which is that we are taking a break. 8 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:55,240 We're taking a break, Caroline. We're just say it with me, we're 9 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:56,000 taking a. Break. 10 00:00:56,360 --> 00:01:03,840 We're taking a break. We're taking a break and we have 11 00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:08,160 things to say about it and I'm just trying to think where to 12 00:01:08,160 --> 00:01:11,120 start. We have never taken a 13 00:01:11,120 --> 00:01:14,960 significant break. The podcast has been going for 3 14 00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:19,480 1/2 years or so and we've taken like a week or two off for 15 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:23,520 Christmas. We've alternated weeks by doing 16 00:01:23,520 --> 00:01:26,120 solo episodes so that one of us could have a break while the 17 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:29,640 other one still worked. So we've been going hard at this 18 00:01:29,640 --> 00:01:35,160 for a while and I think, you know, it's not our main thing. 19 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:40,360 We both have full time jobs, so that alone is like a lot of time 20 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:42,760 energy. I personally, I think it's been 21 00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:47,240 clear, have been talking about being burnt out for the last few 22 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:50,200 months. And so that's one of the inputs 23 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:56,000 into this. But I also think we have been 24 00:01:56,040 --> 00:02:01,120 realizing over the last few months that we're not having as 25 00:02:01,120 --> 00:02:05,200 much fun with it anymore. And that was like the whole 26 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:08,160 point. That was like the whole reason 27 00:02:08,160 --> 00:02:11,360 to start it, especially since it's like a side hobby thing for 28 00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:12,600 us. Like, if we're not having fun 29 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:16,320 with the hobby, then what? Why, why? 30 00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:20,600 And so the two of us talked about it over the last couple of 31 00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:23,280 weeks. And I think we were both feeling 32 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:26,360 it and, like, afraid to be the one to say it. 33 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:28,160 And Caroline sent me a voice memo. 34 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,480 She's usually the first one to say the truth. 35 00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:36,640 And I was like, yeah, I relate to I, I agree. 36 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:39,600 We're aligned. I relate like, I'm tired, I'm 37 00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:43,800 not having fun. And I wish I was, but I'm not. 38 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:47,320 Yeah. And we could talk about more of 39 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:51,240 the why, but let me just stop and see what you want to add. 40 00:02:51,240 --> 00:02:55,800 So far, yeah, I don't even know what to say. 41 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:06,800 Been thinking so much about what to say in this episode. 42 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:09,360 I would know we both have we've been like talking about like how 43 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:15,200 do we talk about this? And it feels like impossible 44 00:03:15,200 --> 00:03:19,640 that we will like, capture it correctly or like be able to 45 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:25,840 like, properly do right by like the people who've supported us 46 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:33,720 and like, like for many years and like been a really great 47 00:03:33,720 --> 00:03:38,600 part of this podcast and like do right by the parts that have 48 00:03:38,600 --> 00:03:40,440 been great. And like, do right by like, 49 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:45,120 you're in my relationship to each other and also say things 50 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:51,000 that are like honest here. And I also know that like 51 00:03:52,040 --> 00:03:55,480 whatever explanation we give in this episode for taking a break 52 00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:59,440 and yeah, for contacts, we're thinking of like several months, 53 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:02,840 like maybe six months, while we like take time to kind of like 54 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:08,600 collect ourselves and realign or figure out like what we're doing 55 00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:11,760 here. I know that like whatever we say 56 00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:15,040 in this episode is like the reason will be taken as like the 57 00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:22,120 whole reason or the finite reason or like the this is the 58 00:04:22,120 --> 00:04:25,200 set in stone reason. And, and the reasons feel like 59 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:32,000 it's been impossible thinking how to like what is correct to 60 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:33,280 say here over the last couple weeks. 61 00:04:33,280 --> 00:04:38,200 Because it just feels like I can't capture every aspect of 62 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,600 it. While also like expressing the 63 00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:46,000 gratitude I have for like the 3 1/2 years of doing this together 64 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:50,560 and of having like the audience that we have had and the support 65 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:53,320 we have had, while also like capturing the things that are 66 00:04:53,320 --> 00:05:01,800 like I'm struggling with. And in a way I feel like I'm for 67 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:10,640 me at least the reason that it's like hard to all my anxiety 68 00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:15,200 about trying to like caption. The reason here in this episode 69 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:22,760 is like why I need the pause. I felt like very part of it part 70 00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:28,520 for me is that I think I felt like very unsure and very 71 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:34,280 anxious for like years here about how like what is the 72 00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:38,280 proper way to show up? I think I've like struggled with 73 00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:43,720 that maybe longer it sounds like than Jess has probably. 74 00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:49,160 I would guess because I was already like had been like doing 75 00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:56,480 content longer before and I already have like damage from 76 00:05:56,480 --> 00:06:01,360 doing it and like self doubt and maybe self doubt in a way, in a 77 00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,840 way almost sometimes that I think just that you don't have 78 00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:06,080 like some. I think that maybe in a way you 79 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:09,080 have like a sense of self that I like. 80 00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:14,160 I'm very fragile, I'm very weak and, and it's just been like 81 00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:18,760 many years of like in and out of like being unsure of like what 82 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:25,520 is the right way to show up and, and then like together as a 83 00:06:25,520 --> 00:06:28,200 team, just. And I, I don't know if I should 84 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:29,680 be talking to you or talking to the audience. 85 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:33,920 But like you and I have gone through so many different like 86 00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:37,400 iterations and strategies of like what we think this podcast 87 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:40,320 is for and what we think the content is for and like who 88 00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:44,480 we're trying to serve. Like I feel like we're like 89 00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:47,440 trying to figure it out. And we've tried a lot of 90 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,800 different things, which may be interesting to share with 91 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,040 listeners. I know we talked about sharing 92 00:06:52,040 --> 00:06:58,360 some of our thinking and where it landed us, but I think 93 00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:03,000 ultimately it's, it's two things for me #1 I feel like I'm not 94 00:07:03,000 --> 00:07:06,880 sure what I should be doing on the podcast. 95 00:07:06,880 --> 00:07:10,080 I'm not sure who it should be serving or how I should be 96 00:07:10,080 --> 00:07:13,080 serving or, or what my purpose should be. 97 00:07:13,360 --> 00:07:16,960 And I do really believe in having like clear purpose with 98 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:20,440 content. Even listeners sometimes have 99 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,800 commented like, oh, you could do episodes about this or you could 100 00:07:22,800 --> 00:07:27,320 come on and do this. And, and I think there's a lot 101 00:07:27,320 --> 00:07:30,880 of things we could do, but I personally just, I don't know, 102 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:35,240 sometimes I think about like when other people like say, 103 00:07:35,240 --> 00:07:38,080 like, Oh, I really want to, you know, kids, sometimes they're 104 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:39,800 like, oh, I really want to have a YouTube channel, but like, 105 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:43,800 what should I make it about? And I'm like, oh, don't I, I 106 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:46,000 personally don't believe that you should just like make a 107 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:47,920 YouTube channel because you want to have a YouTube channel. 108 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:49,840 I think you should make a YouTube channel because there's 109 00:07:49,840 --> 00:07:51,920 like something you want to say or there's this thing you really 110 00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:53,960 love or these, they're these people you really want to 111 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:55,720 connect with. And I think that's how I feel 112 00:07:55,720 --> 00:07:59,280 about content generally. And I think I started here, we 113 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:02,440 started here with a pretty clear idea of like what we thought our 114 00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:05,000 purpose was. And then we've pivoted a few 115 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:08,800 times and I don't know anymore. And I, and I don't feel certain 116 00:08:10,560 --> 00:08:12,840 who and how we should be serving. 117 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:17,160 And, and then I, I think ultimately I don't think that's 118 00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,240 a good way to make a podcast. I don't think it's just like we 119 00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:21,400 could make a podcast. We can make a podcast about like 120 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:25,520 a lot of things. But like what is I, I think I do 121 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:28,280 want to have more clarity on purpose and mission. 122 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:31,920 And I think if you don't have those things, then it does start 123 00:08:31,920 --> 00:08:35,880 getting disappointing for people or messy for people or messy for 124 00:08:35,880 --> 00:08:41,159 us. And, and I'm, yeah. 125 00:08:41,400 --> 00:08:45,000 And I think I'm, it's been affecting me. 126 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:50,360 And I don't think I can like, I don't think I'm up to the 127 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:53,240 challenge right now of like being affected in the way that 128 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:54,800 it's. Yeah. 129 00:08:55,520 --> 00:09:00,880 Yeah, I, I mean, I agree that like it hasn't been affecting me 130 00:09:01,480 --> 00:09:07,280 in the same way for as long as you, but that has caught up to 131 00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:13,360 me in the last couple of months. And, you know, whatever it is 132 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:18,200 about me where I think I'm quicker to say like, yeah, I 133 00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:21,400 don't, I don't have to like put myself through this. 134 00:09:22,280 --> 00:09:27,000 Like I think you've talked about like enduring to a fault, right? 135 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:30,440 Like that you've sometimes endured to a fault with 136 00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:32,400 different things that aren't making you feel good. 137 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:34,160 And I think I have done that too. 138 00:09:34,160 --> 00:09:38,680 But I feel like I've, I've come to this place and I think a lot 139 00:09:38,680 --> 00:09:41,880 of it is like growth that I've actually had from the podcast 140 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:46,520 and from our conversations. Like I, I'm like a a different 141 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:50,240 version of myself than when we started in a way that I'm really 142 00:09:50,240 --> 00:09:53,240 proud of. And for both of us. 143 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:58,280 For both of us, I really agree. Like I think that we, I think 144 00:09:58,280 --> 00:10:01,280 everything we've talked about here has like shaped me for the 145 00:10:01,280 --> 00:10:05,240 better and learning from you has shaped me for the better. 146 00:10:05,240 --> 00:10:12,600 And anyway, I'm just at a point where like I'm much more able to 147 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:17,160 quickly say that something's not working and like kind of set a 148 00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:20,800 boundary for myself. And so as soon as you voiced 149 00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:25,080 like, I've been feeling this way for a while, I was like, maybe I 150 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:27,600 haven't been feeling that for as long. 151 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:32,320 But yeah, even the taste of it that I'm getting like recently, 152 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:35,920 I agree. And I don't I'm not in a space 153 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:39,000 right now to endure it if I ever want to endure it. 154 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:44,640 This, this battle of like what is energizing for us to come and 155 00:10:44,640 --> 00:10:48,440 talk about with each other every single week and to feel like 156 00:10:48,440 --> 00:10:54,080 there's purpose in putting it out into the world and also like 157 00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:59,000 the Venn diagram of that with what people are going to like 158 00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:03,520 and respond to and want more of. And like, I feel like at the 159 00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:09,160 beginning we had that a little more clear, or at least our 160 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:12,600 purpose felt clear. And then the people who liked it 161 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:17,640 came and stayed, and it resonated for a while. 162 00:11:17,640 --> 00:11:22,080 But I also think a lot of that was like us sharing personally 163 00:11:22,240 --> 00:11:24,240 about ourselves. Like, the audience didn't know 164 00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,360 me at all. So I had tons that I could 165 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,440 share. And even for you, they knew you 166 00:11:28,440 --> 00:11:32,040 from YouTube. But there's so much more behind 167 00:11:32,040 --> 00:11:34,840 what you show in an edited YouTube video that you were 168 00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:37,520 like, excited about or interested in. 169 00:11:37,520 --> 00:11:41,560 Curious about sharing in a more open free form, like 170 00:11:41,560 --> 00:11:43,640 conversational forum with another person. 171 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:48,360 And so for both of us, I think it was like we are comfortable 172 00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:52,560 sharing about ourselves more than the average person, you 173 00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:56,800 know, like on a platform We that kind of intrigues us and we feel 174 00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,320 like we have something to say from those experiences that 175 00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:02,200 we've had. And it'll be interesting to like 176 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:07,040 see how each of us share some of those experiences and beliefs 177 00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:10,160 and opinions and values and how we differ and how we talk about 178 00:12:10,160 --> 00:12:13,080 that and navigate it together. And like, that was kind of, I 179 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:15,520 think the purpose at the beginning. 180 00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:20,040 And then you get to a point where it's like, OK, this has 181 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:23,600 been working for a while, but like, feel like I've said 182 00:12:23,600 --> 00:12:28,480 everything about my personal life that I am comfortable 183 00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:31,120 saying. And so then it's like, OK, well, 184 00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:34,400 what do we do? I still have like good advice 185 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:38,880 and, you know, opinions that I think are interesting and worth 186 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:44,960 talking about and views on the world that I think are worth 187 00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:48,760 sharing. And so let's try to get more of 188 00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:51,680 that out there. Let's try to maybe like respond 189 00:12:51,680 --> 00:12:56,800 to listeners and give more advice based on our experience 190 00:12:56,800 --> 00:13:00,040 and based on what we know as unprofessional people who are 191 00:13:00,040 --> 00:13:04,480 just like kind of showing up as whole humans and hopefully 192 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:07,160 friends. And let's like do it that way. 193 00:13:07,160 --> 00:13:11,080 And so for a while we pivoted from like personal sharing to 194 00:13:11,080 --> 00:13:16,120 more like listener based, let's get hot, take inputs, let's get 195 00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:19,040 what a dues. Let's think about like what are 196 00:13:19,040 --> 00:13:23,040 the deep dive episodes, like dating episode, career episode, 197 00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:25,680 family episode, like let's do it that way. 198 00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,280 And I think that worked for a while. 199 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:33,080 I think also because like once, yeah, like I think we started 200 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:37,040 sharing a lot personally and then they're just began to be 201 00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:39,400 natural places. I think in a healthy way that 202 00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,320 we, it didn't feel appropriate to share. 203 00:13:42,800 --> 00:13:46,480 Like when we started the podcast, I was dating, you know, 204 00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:51,040 I, it wasn't, I didn't have like 1-1 intimate relationship and a 205 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:56,880 person to like protect and even, you know, just in talking about 206 00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:58,800 dating, there were people who were affected. 207 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:02,200 And I, I like learned pretty quickly I shouldn't really be 208 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:05,520 talking about dating. That was a big deal. 209 00:14:05,640 --> 00:14:10,680 And then, you know, there's things with family that I wanted 210 00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:13,720 to express and share, but then like, they're also known. 211 00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:17,320 And at a certain point that didn't feel very appropriate or 212 00:14:17,320 --> 00:14:21,200 fair. And yeah, so then it felt like, 213 00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:24,560 OK, well, we know some of our most popular episodes have 214 00:14:24,560 --> 00:14:29,760 always been the ones like kind of giving more retrospective 215 00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:33,920 advice to like, things we've already passed through phases, 216 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:39,840 maybe breakups or starting your career or dating or things that 217 00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:41,520 were it's kind of more in the rear view. 218 00:14:41,520 --> 00:14:44,400 So it doesn't feel as exposed and personal and seems like 219 00:14:44,400 --> 00:14:46,760 people really value those. Those are always our biggest 220 00:14:46,760 --> 00:14:49,040 episodes. And so, yeah, we tried to lean 221 00:14:49,040 --> 00:14:52,280 into that for a while. That was our like explicit 222 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:56,840 thinking. With that, go on. 223 00:14:56,840 --> 00:15:01,360 And I feel like we've no that was like help helpful additional 224 00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:04,440 context. And I think we both Caroline 225 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:08,960 more vocally and me in my own head, we're like got annoyed 226 00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,960 with ourselves at some point after like a year of doing it 227 00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:13,720 that. Way of giving advice. 228 00:15:13,800 --> 00:15:18,360 Of giving advice like I'm sick of hearing myself drone on 229 00:15:18,360 --> 00:15:21,440 thinking I know what these people should do. 230 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:25,680 And obviously we try to show up to it with awareness that we 231 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:29,600 don't know shit like humility about like we're just talking 232 00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,360 and doing our best and sharing what was worked for us. 233 00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:36,160 And but it just got to a point where it's like, there's 234 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:40,000 there's, I don't know, I don't feel good giving advice every 235 00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,040 week. I don't like listening to myself 236 00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:43,960 do that. It's like I know I'm annoyed 237 00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:47,040 with myself, even if other people, I think the audience was 238 00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:52,200 kind of liking it, but I didn't envision that as like how I 239 00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:55,280 would spend week after week on this podcast when we first 240 00:15:55,280 --> 00:15:56,680 started. It's like never been my 241 00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:59,240 intention to be an advice column. 242 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:02,000 So I don't know if you have more to add about that. 243 00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:06,920 Oh yeah, giving advice trigger triggers myself hatred so 244 00:16:06,920 --> 00:16:14,640 strongly. Like I mean, I for I guess this 245 00:16:14,640 --> 00:16:18,160 is ridiculous to say, but like I all at once think that like on 246 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:20,640 the topics we choose, we chose to give advice on. 247 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,760 It's not all things I don't think I have good advice on. 248 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,440 All things. We've skipped things that we're 249 00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:27,520 like, I don't know what to do with that or like I'm actively 250 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:30,320 struggling with that thing. But for the areas that we've 251 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:34,320 like felt confident enough to like share a perspective on, I 252 00:16:34,320 --> 00:16:37,600 actually feel like pretty confident about like your and my 253 00:16:38,320 --> 00:16:40,240 advice in those areas. That's why we chose those 254 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:45,200 specific areas and not others. I I've like, I think we have 255 00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:50,960 good advice and also it triggers myself hatred so hard to hear 256 00:16:50,960 --> 00:16:55,240 myself giving advice or like thinking I know anything about 257 00:16:55,240 --> 00:16:57,120 someone else's life or like telling them what to do. 258 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:01,040 It's like ironically in my private life, like in my 259 00:17:01,040 --> 00:17:04,760 personal growth, I am one of the biggest things I'm working on is 260 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:08,760 like not trying to influence other people's life is not 261 00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:13,880 trying to tell people how to live or what to do or speak with 262 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:18,240 judgement or like direction and like to like help people. 263 00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:21,599 If if I do anything, it's like to help people navigate life on 264 00:17:21,599 --> 00:17:23,920 their own, not to be telling them what to do unless they 265 00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:27,680 specifically ask. But it's like it's so at odds 266 00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:34,520 with it makes me feel, it really makes me hate myself that it's a 267 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:38,400 very, very weird feeling for me. But that feels hard. 268 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:41,680 And then and then it also feels so self serious that I think we 269 00:17:41,680 --> 00:17:45,000 are both craving like, all right, we can't just be an 270 00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:47,880 advice podcast, even if people like that are valid, that to 271 00:17:47,880 --> 00:17:49,480 some degree, it does get very heavy. 272 00:17:49,480 --> 00:17:52,240 It's very self serious. It can feel very self important. 273 00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:57,840 It doesn't make me like myself. And so why don't we? 274 00:17:58,160 --> 00:18:00,720 Maybe we can like use listener write insurance more. 275 00:18:00,720 --> 00:18:03,400 It's kind of like a jumping off point, a conversation starter. 276 00:18:03,400 --> 00:18:06,440 And we can like maybe talk about that, but we can spiral into 277 00:18:06,440 --> 00:18:11,040 tangents. We can talk about things that do 278 00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:14,160 come back to us and feel personal again and connected, 279 00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:18,720 but like, maybe, yeah, take tangents off of that. 280 00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:22,640 So it's not just advice, but it can be personal again. 281 00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:25,000 And I feel like that's like where we pivoted. 282 00:18:25,320 --> 00:18:26,960 That was like our third pivot maybe. 283 00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:32,720 And it felt risky. Like I think it felt for a 284 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:38,080 little while more energizing to us of like, oh, OK, like we can 285 00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:41,200 touch on the advice stuff that's been resonating with the 286 00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:45,640 audience, but we can also veer off into like, exploring stuff 287 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:50,000 about ourselves or telling this other story and moving on from 288 00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:54,120 the conversation or whatever. And it felt like we we could do 289 00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:56,120 both. Like, OK, maybe this idea makes 290 00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:59,360 it so we can do both. We can do the advice that we 291 00:18:59,360 --> 00:19:02,840 have noticed that the audience likes a lot and we can do more 292 00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:07,800 of the like banter and self exploration and self sharing and 293 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:13,440 whatever in like a, a guided way, like a more structured way. 294 00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:16,760 Yeah. But I think even then, I don't 295 00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,920 know, like it's very sensitive like to bounce off of. 296 00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:23,360 Someone else's life experience. Someone else's life experience 297 00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:25,440 and a write in that they've been vulnerable to share. 298 00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:29,680 Like it's sensitive and we don't that tone is really hard to 299 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:32,200 strike and get right to do both of those things. 300 00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:37,520 And so again, it felt like this isn't working if we've tried all 301 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:42,120 of these three different, you know, approaches, not to mention 302 00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:46,120 other approaches sprinkled in between of like just sillier 303 00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:49,560 episodes and hot takes and like talking about pop culture and 304 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:52,560 doing things that are impersonal to anyone that are more just 305 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:56,920 like bippity bops. I don't think I could do that 306 00:19:56,920 --> 00:19:59,240 every single week. Like there's not always 307 00:19:59,640 --> 00:20:02,400 something to bippity bop about in pop culture that really gets 308 00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,360 me going. Like Taylor, Frankie, Paul, you 309 00:20:04,360 --> 00:20:05,960 know, which we've talked about like 4 times. 310 00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:13,440 So it just leaves me at least in a place where I'm like, I don't 311 00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,440 know where to go. And, and I don't think I can 312 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:22,200 figure that out while doing it. Like I think that's a big reason 313 00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:25,360 for wanting a long break for me is. 314 00:20:26,840 --> 00:20:29,440 It's like I'm too close to it and like we haven't stepped 315 00:20:29,440 --> 00:20:33,320 back. And plus everything else in 316 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:36,240 life, I don't have a lot of space outside of the podcast to 317 00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:41,000 really think about the podcast. Like I'm doing work and I'm 318 00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,560 getting here, like in between calls and I'm coming back. 319 00:20:43,560 --> 00:20:48,440 And so there's just not a lot of like creative space, like 320 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:53,840 freedom and like time away from it to say like, oh, it, it might 321 00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:56,720 feel good to do this or we haven't tried this or actually 322 00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:59,000 even more than any of those tactical things. 323 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:03,680 I want to return again to like, what's even the purpose to what 324 00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:05,760 you said originally? Like before we get tactical 325 00:21:05,760 --> 00:21:09,520 about what the episodes should be and what's the format and is 326 00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:12,640 it advice or is it personal sharing or is it funny or is it 327 00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:14,920 something else? It's like step back and think 328 00:21:14,920 --> 00:21:18,840 about what even is the goal 'cause I think the goal has 329 00:21:18,840 --> 00:21:22,960 changed for both of us, but we don't quite know what it is. 330 00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:28,000 We just know it's not the same. And there's kind of like goals 331 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:31,000 for what we want to. There's like for me, there's 332 00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:36,000 like 2 categories of goals. There's what we want to share 333 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:39,080 and like the space that we create on the podcast and the 334 00:21:39,080 --> 00:21:42,080 content. And then there's also the 335 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:45,440 overarching like where do we even want this to go? 336 00:21:45,440 --> 00:21:48,360 Because at the beginning, I've been vocal and like on my other 337 00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:53,280 podcast Peeking, I've talked a lot about I, my dream at the 338 00:21:53,280 --> 00:21:57,840 beginning of this was can we get it to a place where we've grown 339 00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:01,520 it and we can make a living off of it? 340 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:04,800 And I can leave my corporate job and like do this thing that I 341 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:08,520 love. And I don't know if I want that 342 00:22:08,520 --> 00:22:10,240 anymore. And I've been realizing that 343 00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:16,000 over the last year or so. Like, that was very clearly my 344 00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:22,960 personal dream outcome from this at the start, and I wouldn't 345 00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:26,760 have known if I wanted that or not if I hadn't like tried and 346 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:32,240 tested it and seen. So I'm so grateful to have had 347 00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:36,720 the opportunity to do this, to do it with you, to have an 348 00:22:36,720 --> 00:22:40,640 audience that's been stuck with us through all these different 349 00:22:40,640 --> 00:22:43,560 versions. And like, let us be ourselves at 350 00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:48,560 least most of the time. And also like, as we did that 351 00:22:48,560 --> 00:22:51,120 over the course of the 3 1/2 years, I think at some point I 352 00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:54,520 started to realize, like, this is still, maybe there's still 353 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:57,320 something here, but I don't actually know if I would want 354 00:22:57,320 --> 00:23:00,400 this to be my full time. And if I don't want it to be 355 00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:02,880 that, that's OK. But then what do I want it to 356 00:23:02,880 --> 00:23:04,720 be? And I haven't answered that 357 00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:07,840 question. And I don't have space to figure 358 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:12,080 out the answer to that question. And that's part of what in 359 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:15,800 addition to like what's the content, that's part of what I 360 00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:19,920 personally want to spend a lot of time figuring out is like, 361 00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:24,320 what's the overarching goal in terms of like my career 362 00:23:24,320 --> 00:23:29,160 aspirations or my like dream job, passion project, side 363 00:23:29,160 --> 00:23:32,600 hustle. But like, do I even want that 364 00:23:32,600 --> 00:23:36,400 anymore or is it something else? I don't know. 365 00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:41,240 And I've been kind of tossing that around in my head for at 366 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:43,240 least the last, yeah, almost a year probably. 367 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:46,680 Like since last summer, I would say I've been actively chewing 368 00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:49,640 on that question. And it's a hard question to 369 00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:55,000 answer because it involves letting go of what was once a 370 00:23:55,000 --> 00:23:58,720 dream. Even if it's right to let go of 371 00:23:58,720 --> 00:24:01,960 it. I that's hard. 372 00:24:02,720 --> 00:24:08,080 So I can't, I can't do it while we're also showing up every week 373 00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:12,680 tired and not sure what to do and kind of feeling like it's 374 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:14,720 not as fun anymore. Like I can't. 375 00:24:15,040 --> 00:24:18,120 I can't figure it all out at the same time without a break. 376 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:21,520 Is there more you feel comfortable saying about like 377 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:25,160 what changed for you that you're like, oh, I don't like the more 378 00:24:25,160 --> 00:24:28,360 you learned that you're like, oh, I don't know if I want this 379 00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:32,280 to be something I quit my job for and do full time maybe. 380 00:24:32,280 --> 00:24:34,320 I don't know if there's more you can say publicly. 381 00:24:35,560 --> 00:24:40,280 I think I've said it a little bit, but it's worth exploring, 382 00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:46,000 which is like the way that you talked about how this has been 383 00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:51,000 hard for you for much longer than it has been for me. 384 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:57,680 And a lot of that to do with the fact that your whole career is 385 00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:01,040 YouTube and is on the Internet and is involved with like 386 00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:04,880 getting outside feedback and having to like tailor how you 387 00:25:04,880 --> 00:25:07,720 show up accordingly. And it triggers yourself hatred. 388 00:25:07,720 --> 00:25:13,240 And I mean, you're amazingly talented at what you do. 389 00:25:13,240 --> 00:25:15,880 So I hope that never is a reason for you to stop. 390 00:25:15,880 --> 00:25:19,040 Like I want to always be a person that's there to help you 391 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:21,760 keep going and push through those moments because of how 392 00:25:21,760 --> 00:25:25,920 much I think what you do is so special. 393 00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:32,320 But at the same time, when I think about myself, like putting 394 00:25:32,320 --> 00:25:39,720 myself in in that type of setup, or rather when I think about why 395 00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:46,000 you perceive me to be a little bit more like self assured in 396 00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:51,760 this way or like, you know, just like the sense of self that you 397 00:25:51,760 --> 00:25:56,360 perceive in me in this way. I think a lot of it does have to 398 00:25:56,360 --> 00:26:01,840 do with the fact that I have something totally separate from 399 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:08,760 this going on where if this doesn't work, I don't have the 400 00:26:08,760 --> 00:26:12,680 threat of the other thing not working because it's a corporate 401 00:26:12,680 --> 00:26:14,680 nine to five job where I make a paycheck. 402 00:26:14,680 --> 00:26:17,760 And like, they don't care. They don't care. 403 00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:19,560 They don't see the comments on my podcast. 404 00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:21,360 They don't know if it's successful or not. 405 00:26:21,360 --> 00:26:24,840 It's not relevant. And I think that having that as 406 00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:30,160 like an anchor is actually helpful in keeping me true to 407 00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:37,760 myself here, which then begs the question of like, OK, if that's 408 00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:46,520 helpful for me, like, what then? What am I doing here? 409 00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:50,960 Because initially what I was doing here was pursuing a 410 00:26:50,960 --> 00:26:53,160 different career path. Yeah. 411 00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:55,440 Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. 412 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:59,280 And so, yeah, it's like I don't have to be pursuing a different 413 00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:01,680 career path here. It could be a hobby, it could be 414 00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:06,480 a passion project, There's lots of configurations. 415 00:27:06,480 --> 00:27:09,040 I could leave my 9 to 5 corporate job and do more like 416 00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:13,040 freelance self-employed work and then also do something like 417 00:27:13,040 --> 00:27:15,400 this. And I don't know how I feel 418 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,200 about that, but like that's a possibility. 419 00:27:17,200 --> 00:27:19,240 There's just like a lot of ways I could set it up. 420 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:24,040 But I, I do feel like I need for me to have a different thing, 421 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:27,280 which you have a different thing, but it's so closely 422 00:27:27,280 --> 00:27:31,120 intertwined that like it's the same thing. 423 00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:33,280 It's a different thing and it's the same thing. 424 00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:39,640 And, and I think that's just what I've connected the dots on 425 00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:42,560 recently is like, I don't think I could. 426 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:46,880 I think the self assuredness that you see in me, I think I 427 00:27:46,880 --> 00:27:53,320 would crumble just the same if my setup was different. 428 00:27:53,600 --> 00:27:56,000 You know, I don't think that's a flaw in you. 429 00:27:56,160 --> 00:28:01,560 I think that's the environment. Could be a combo, could be both 430 00:28:02,360 --> 00:28:04,280 or that, but it's funny. Yeah. 431 00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:06,920 I feel like even though we both have like different jobs that 432 00:28:06,920 --> 00:28:11,440 support us outside this podcast, like I think my reasons feel 433 00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:17,840 like kind of similar. Like in a way when I to me, when 434 00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:22,200 we were starting the podcast, I think my original goals were a 435 00:28:22,200 --> 00:28:27,840 few. I was like 1 I wanted to have 436 00:28:28,120 --> 00:28:31,360 and and another I wanted to add in a different like work project 437 00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:34,200 or work energy with someone else. 438 00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:36,240 I didn't want to do anything else alone. 439 00:28:36,240 --> 00:28:39,040 I'm just alone all the time talking to a fucking camera. 440 00:28:39,480 --> 00:28:42,840 And I was like, I would I did not want to do like a podcast 441 00:28:42,840 --> 00:28:45,480 alone or on anything alone. I wanted to do it with like 442 00:28:45,480 --> 00:28:49,440 someone who gives me energy. That's my Princess Jess. 443 00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:55,320 I wanted and I, I secondly, I wanted a place where I could 444 00:28:55,320 --> 00:29:00,120 feel less edited, less restricted than I do on my 445 00:29:00,120 --> 00:29:03,920 YouTube main channel, where I could just kind of be more free 446 00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:08,360 flowing. And thirdly, I thought it would 447 00:29:08,360 --> 00:29:11,880 be a good business idea to have like a backup business kind of 448 00:29:11,960 --> 00:29:14,640 as like, you know, well, YouTube will probably come to an end 449 00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:16,280 eventually. Might as well start building 450 00:29:16,280 --> 00:29:19,320 this other thing can kind of build them in tandem. 451 00:29:19,320 --> 00:29:22,880 And maybe eventually the podcast will be the main thing. 452 00:29:23,680 --> 00:29:29,800 And I think now 3 1/2 years later, we know it's a really 453 00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:32,200 hard business. Like we don't really make money 454 00:29:32,200 --> 00:29:34,920 from this business. I think it's better to think of 455 00:29:34,920 --> 00:29:37,320 it as a hobby. It's not really, it's not going 456 00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:41,600 to be something that replaces or like even break like usually 457 00:29:41,600 --> 00:29:48,560 breaks even. And I, it has become, I think 458 00:29:48,560 --> 00:29:51,120 largely through my own fault, like a place where I actually 459 00:29:51,120 --> 00:29:53,600 feel more restricted than I do on my main channel. 460 00:29:54,080 --> 00:29:58,560 I feel more unsure of how to show up and I feel more like I'm 461 00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:02,680 struggling personally. And in my head I think a lot 462 00:30:02,680 --> 00:30:06,600 more. So those are both gone. 463 00:30:07,040 --> 00:30:12,280 And then the one thing that has remained is that like, like I 464 00:30:12,280 --> 00:30:20,080 said to you, the hardest part of leading the podcast is like you, 465 00:30:20,120 --> 00:30:23,200 like you of those three things have been the thing that 466 00:30:23,200 --> 00:30:26,120 delivered and that has been really special. 467 00:30:26,120 --> 00:30:32,920 And like our relationship has like, like, I know we've both 468 00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:35,760 like changed as individuals and like our like friendship is 469 00:30:35,760 --> 00:30:39,120 like, it's been so special and unique. 470 00:30:39,120 --> 00:30:41,520 Not only has it deepened, but it's like different than like 471 00:30:41,680 --> 00:30:45,000 anything I've done with anybody and been like challenging in 472 00:30:45,000 --> 00:30:48,520 ways that like we pushed through together and like has been like 473 00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:52,920 really beautiful. And you've been obviously you're 474 00:30:52,920 --> 00:30:54,480 like the best business partner I could think of. 475 00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:58,200 So like, of those three things, I went into one, one remains, 476 00:31:00,000 --> 00:31:04,520 but yeah. But that's what I'll miss the 477 00:31:04,520 --> 00:31:08,280 most. Yeah, that's not me. 478 00:31:08,280 --> 00:31:09,680 Sad. Yeah, and scary. 479 00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:12,640 It's like, obviously our friendship still exists and like 480 00:31:13,400 --> 00:31:18,240 I am, I want to always invest in that, but it's really rare to 481 00:31:18,240 --> 00:31:24,080 have like a built in hour long session with one of your friends 482 00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:27,840 every week. And so like just the thought of 483 00:31:27,840 --> 00:31:31,040 like, we're not going to talk like that every week, especially 484 00:31:31,040 --> 00:31:34,240 when I think about the earlier days of the podcast when we were 485 00:31:34,920 --> 00:31:37,360 sharing a lot more. Personally and like. 486 00:31:37,680 --> 00:31:40,400 We were getting to know each other as adults because we. 487 00:31:40,880 --> 00:31:42,440 Yeah. We have a history. 488 00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:45,880 We we have a lot of trust just from like how long we've known 489 00:31:45,880 --> 00:31:51,560 each other, but we didn't know a lot about each other as adults 490 00:31:51,560 --> 00:31:55,560 and our adult lives. And like that, I feel like we 491 00:31:55,560 --> 00:31:59,520 built such a foundation of like, you really know me in a way that 492 00:32:01,040 --> 00:32:05,720 in a way that no one else does. And I think part of that too is 493 00:32:06,600 --> 00:32:10,360 navigating the behind the scenes harder things we've had to deal 494 00:32:10,360 --> 00:32:15,000 with or like navigating have it trying to have a business 495 00:32:15,000 --> 00:32:20,280 together and like strategy and like, it's such a layered type 496 00:32:20,280 --> 00:32:26,440 of relationship that I, I don't have with anyone else and I 497 00:32:27,520 --> 00:32:30,680 can't imagine having. I couldn't even explain to 498 00:32:30,680 --> 00:32:32,280 somebody else. I couldn't even like just 499 00:32:32,720 --> 00:32:36,400 explain all the like, what it's been like to figure it out 500 00:32:36,400 --> 00:32:39,000 together. Yeah, it's like really the 501 00:32:39,000 --> 00:32:41,960 biggest gift and the biggest thing I'll miss. 502 00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:48,080 And I hope that we find a way to do it again or do it more. 503 00:32:48,080 --> 00:32:51,560 But yeah, I just wanted to echo that. 504 00:32:51,560 --> 00:32:59,760 Like I I can't describe what our relationship is to me other than 505 00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:06,800 it's like 1 of 1, you know? Yeah, I agree. 506 00:33:07,200 --> 00:33:12,360 I think the part that made me like, I thought, well, I did say 507 00:33:12,360 --> 00:33:16,000 this to you and I'll say on the podcast, something I realized in 508 00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:18,760 recent months is like my favorite parts of our 509 00:33:18,760 --> 00:33:22,160 conversation each week are before we press record. 510 00:33:23,280 --> 00:33:26,000 Because usually we sit down, we get on here, we get on Zoom 511 00:33:26,000 --> 00:33:28,720 together and we like say all the things that are on our mind, 512 00:33:28,720 --> 00:33:33,640 private things, messy things, ugly things, things that involve 513 00:33:33,640 --> 00:33:37,480 other people, that things that can't be aired, everything 514 00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:41,760 that's live and raw. And like that's my favorite part 515 00:33:41,760 --> 00:33:44,960 of the conversation. And then we say, OK, enough of 516 00:33:44,960 --> 00:33:47,000 that. Are you ready to hit record? 517 00:33:47,360 --> 00:33:49,600 And then we start the conversation that can be aired. 518 00:33:49,960 --> 00:33:53,840 And so on one hand, I'm like, I have that same fear of like, 519 00:33:54,040 --> 00:33:56,440 it's nice to have something on the calendar each week. 520 00:33:56,480 --> 00:34:00,680 And I think we're going to have to work to like make sure we 521 00:34:00,680 --> 00:34:07,840 keep it up. And also, I don't even know how 522 00:34:07,840 --> 00:34:11,800 to say it, but like it, it feels like it's harder to have it on 523 00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:14,280 the podcast. And my hesitation around saying 524 00:34:14,280 --> 00:34:19,000 that is because I'm, I'm I'm all at once trying to like give 525 00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:21,159 listeners, the listeners who like care and have been 526 00:34:21,159 --> 00:34:22,600 supportive. I'm like trying, I know we're 527 00:34:22,600 --> 00:34:26,000 both trying to like give them a satisfactory like understanding 528 00:34:26,000 --> 00:34:31,520 of like why this is pausing right now without while also 529 00:34:31,520 --> 00:34:35,880 like being grateful to them for the support they've given and 530 00:34:35,880 --> 00:34:38,920 like they've done no one's done anything wrong. 531 00:34:40,400 --> 00:34:43,800 When I say like it's hard to know how to show up on the 532 00:34:43,800 --> 00:34:48,080 podcast or it's hard for us to like have our connection on the 533 00:34:48,080 --> 00:34:51,040 podcast after we have record after we hit record. 534 00:34:51,600 --> 00:34:54,199 I think it's just we're struggling with the reality of, 535 00:34:54,199 --> 00:34:57,240 like, the Internet and the reality of, like, doing this 536 00:34:57,240 --> 00:35:01,800 bizarre thing that is like sharing your thoughts, sharing 537 00:35:01,800 --> 00:35:05,080 your private thoughts, like, it's a weird thing to do. 538 00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:08,120 Yeah. So I'm like, it feels hard to 539 00:35:08,120 --> 00:35:12,360 know like. It feels hard to know the lines. 540 00:35:12,600 --> 00:35:14,760 Yes, and that's the whole thing. That's the whole issue. 541 00:35:14,760 --> 00:35:17,600 That's that's the whole reason we're pausing is like it feels 542 00:35:17,600 --> 00:35:21,440 hard to know, like how to say the thing that is true while 543 00:35:21,440 --> 00:35:27,760 also being I don't know. Well, I think the thing that has 544 00:35:27,760 --> 00:35:33,120 united us this whole time is that we feel really strongly 545 00:35:33,120 --> 00:35:34,800 about saying the truth like that. 546 00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:42,640 We value honesty, and I think that was part of what we 547 00:35:43,080 --> 00:35:45,440 anchored around when we started the podcast. 548 00:35:45,440 --> 00:35:52,480 And then over time, it feels like there's less space for that 549 00:35:52,800 --> 00:35:57,120 or like we have gotten in our heads about like, how honest can 550 00:35:57,120 --> 00:36:00,600 I really be or how much should I really share? 551 00:36:00,600 --> 00:36:05,800 And even if there's no change, like even if it's imagined, 552 00:36:06,040 --> 00:36:11,440 which I don't think it is, but even if it is just that feeling 553 00:36:11,440 --> 00:36:16,440 alone, like sits in the back of our brains while we record, 554 00:36:17,320 --> 00:36:23,680 we're, we're not able to show up as authentically and honestly as 555 00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:28,760 we want to, as we value like as we meant to, as maybe we did 556 00:36:28,760 --> 00:36:32,440 previously. I think we still, we do our best 557 00:36:32,440 --> 00:36:36,440 to push ourselves through that, but it's scary. 558 00:36:36,520 --> 00:36:42,560 And I think that's like one of the biggest things to figure out 559 00:36:42,960 --> 00:36:45,840 in returning to the podcast. I feel like we're talking about 560 00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:49,200 it like it's over and I don't know what it is like. 561 00:36:49,640 --> 00:36:53,640 It's a long pause and we need to figure out what is next. 562 00:36:54,960 --> 00:37:00,880 And I hope there's more. And I think we just can't even 563 00:37:00,880 --> 00:37:06,000 fathom like what that is. So many things about how we 564 00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:14,640 started have changed and in this new landscape of like who we are 565 00:37:14,640 --> 00:37:19,040 now, how much we've already shared up to this point, how 566 00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:22,920 many more people are paying attention now, the scale that 567 00:37:22,920 --> 00:37:26,680 your channel has gotten to over this time, like all of these 568 00:37:26,680 --> 00:37:29,360 different aspects of it just make it like the landscape is 569 00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:31,520 different now. And I don't know what there's 570 00:37:31,600 --> 00:37:34,760 space for at this moment. I hope there's space for 571 00:37:34,760 --> 00:37:39,520 something from us together, but I can't even figure out what 572 00:37:39,520 --> 00:37:42,840 that is. So like it is a pause and we 573 00:37:42,840 --> 00:37:47,600 think about six months is right to take a good chunk of time 574 00:37:47,600 --> 00:37:50,600 away. But if that's on the other side 575 00:37:50,600 --> 00:37:53,880 of that, like if we don't figure it out, it could be longer, it 576 00:37:53,880 --> 00:37:58,040 could be it. I hope, yeah, we're aiming to do 577 00:37:58,040 --> 00:38:00,360 a check in in six months. I think that's what we decided. 578 00:38:00,360 --> 00:38:03,360 Yeah, yeah. So I just want to be clear about 579 00:38:03,560 --> 00:38:06,160 what they should expect. And unfortunately, I can't be 580 00:38:06,160 --> 00:38:08,160 that clear about it because we don't even know. 581 00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:11,360 I know, but. I can't even tell if people 582 00:38:11,360 --> 00:38:13,560 care. I'm like, I feel This is why 583 00:38:13,560 --> 00:38:16,240 once again, I feel so in my head, I'm like, at what? 584 00:38:16,280 --> 00:38:19,280 I know at one point I was like, Oh, some people are might be 585 00:38:19,280 --> 00:38:20,920 really upset. Some people have supported us 586 00:38:20,920 --> 00:38:23,280 for so long and love the podcast and are so good to us. 587 00:38:23,600 --> 00:38:25,920 And then at some point during this conversation, I was like, 588 00:38:25,920 --> 00:38:29,160 they're probably thinking we're so dramatic and they're probably 589 00:38:29,280 --> 00:38:33,320 thinking like, how can they be so like they're grieving this 590 00:38:33,320 --> 00:38:35,400 and La La. And it's like even in doing 591 00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:39,720 this, I, I have there's so many voices and they all contradict 592 00:38:39,720 --> 00:38:44,240 each other and both of them make me hate me and I don't it's like 593 00:38:44,240 --> 00:38:46,640 I even in like trying to talk about it. 594 00:38:46,640 --> 00:38:50,480 I feel like very I'm in a very bad place in my head. 595 00:38:50,920 --> 00:38:53,040 Yeah, yeah. So it's a box. 596 00:38:53,040 --> 00:38:54,800 It's a box. And we don't know where the 597 00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:57,080 walls are. I don't know if anyone cares or 598 00:38:57,080 --> 00:38:59,040 if people care so much and they're going to be mad. 599 00:38:59,280 --> 00:39:01,160 It's like, how can I have no idea? 600 00:39:01,160 --> 00:39:04,800 How can I not know? I don't really know either, but 601 00:39:05,880 --> 00:39:08,440 I will say this. I've talked about when my 602 00:39:08,440 --> 00:39:12,280 favorite podcast ended and like that was almost a year ago. 603 00:39:12,360 --> 00:39:13,840 No, it was probably over a year ago. 604 00:39:13,840 --> 00:39:16,120 I don't know. I still, I still miss it every 605 00:39:16,120 --> 00:39:19,840 day and I still go back and listen to old episodes just for 606 00:39:19,840 --> 00:39:23,400 like comfort. And I don't want to be have a 607 00:39:23,400 --> 00:39:26,880 big head and be like, people are going to be obsessed with this 608 00:39:26,880 --> 00:39:29,120 podcast where people are obsessed with this podcast in 609 00:39:29,120 --> 00:39:32,480 the same way I was obsessed with Nikki Glaser, a famous comedians 610 00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:37,120 podcast. But I maybe messages from people 611 00:39:37,120 --> 00:39:43,880 who really write the most, the most generous kind, like 612 00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:47,160 appreciative, thoughtful notes to us. 613 00:39:47,880 --> 00:39:52,360 And whether that's five people or the whole audience or 614 00:39:52,440 --> 00:39:55,600 something in between, I'm talking to those people. 615 00:39:55,600 --> 00:39:58,920 Like I, I think those people are right here with us in terms of 616 00:39:58,920 --> 00:40:02,320 like the, the gravity of this, I guess, and. 617 00:40:03,520 --> 00:40:06,720 Yeah, I ran into, I texted you. I ran into a listener yesterday 618 00:40:06,720 --> 00:40:09,280 in Chicago, and she was really sweet. 619 00:40:09,280 --> 00:40:10,560 She was like, I listened to your podcast. 620 00:40:10,560 --> 00:40:14,680 I just wanted to let you know. And I was like, I think I was 621 00:40:14,680 --> 00:40:17,000 weird. If you're out there, Rebecca, I 622 00:40:17,040 --> 00:40:21,360 think I was weird. I was like, I was like, we are 623 00:40:21,360 --> 00:40:25,840 recording this episode tomorrow about taking this break. 624 00:40:25,840 --> 00:40:28,720 And here I am meeting sweet Rebecca. 625 00:40:29,280 --> 00:40:32,520 And I don't know how to be. She doesn't know yet. 626 00:40:32,520 --> 00:40:36,280 And I have this like secret in my head and like, I don't like, 627 00:40:36,440 --> 00:40:39,160 I don't know the level of listener that she is like. 628 00:40:39,160 --> 00:40:41,320 Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a funny thing, you know. 629 00:40:41,560 --> 00:40:43,480 Like this, is she just being like, oh, yeah, what? 630 00:40:43,480 --> 00:40:45,320 I just listen to it. Or is she being like, no, this, 631 00:40:45,960 --> 00:40:48,200 this means a lot to me. And she's going to be one of the 632 00:40:48,200 --> 00:40:50,080 ones that's really upset tomorrow. 633 00:40:50,080 --> 00:40:52,400 And she doesn't even know how upset she's going to be. 634 00:40:52,400 --> 00:40:54,520 And I was like, I have to thank you so much. 635 00:40:54,520 --> 00:40:55,200 Thank you. Thank you. 636 00:40:55,480 --> 00:41:00,680 So much I have to go. It's but that, you know, that's 637 00:41:00,680 --> 00:41:02,680 part of this. And I think we need a break from 638 00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:06,520 that over thinking too. Like there are so many, there's 639 00:41:06,520 --> 00:41:11,400 so many reasons why this came together and we both were like, 640 00:41:11,400 --> 00:41:15,400 yes, this is the right decision. And I think we were really 641 00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:19,600 considered in how we approached it and we've talked about it a 642 00:41:19,600 --> 00:41:25,480 lot and like it is the right decision, even though we cried 643 00:41:26,400 --> 00:41:31,440 and even though we don't know what's next, like we know it's 644 00:41:31,440 --> 00:41:38,880 right at this time. And we appreciate you all for 645 00:41:40,720 --> 00:41:44,480 sticking with us and getting it now. 646 00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:49,000 And I, I hope, I hope to talk to you more soon. 647 00:41:49,000 --> 00:41:51,680 I don't know. Oh, I did want to do something 648 00:41:51,680 --> 00:41:54,280 else though. OK this is how I want to send us 649 00:41:54,280 --> 00:41:58,520 off. OK, so picture picture. 650 00:41:59,240 --> 00:42:01,360 Can I close my eyes? Episode of The Office, Yeah. 651 00:42:01,720 --> 00:42:04,640 OK. The episode of The Office in 652 00:42:04,640 --> 00:42:12,160 season 2 or 3 when Michael is heartbroken about his breakup 653 00:42:12,160 --> 00:42:16,120 with Carol. She went to Sandals Jamaica with 654 00:42:16,120 --> 00:42:17,800 like, somebody else or something. 655 00:42:17,800 --> 00:42:20,680 And he like, Oh, no, she went on like a ski trip with somebody 656 00:42:20,680 --> 00:42:24,080 new and she like, with her kids. And he Photoshopped himself into 657 00:42:24,080 --> 00:42:28,200 the photo because he was mourning their breakup. 658 00:42:28,280 --> 00:42:32,160 And somebody walked into his office while he was playing a 659 00:42:32,160 --> 00:42:37,400 song, 15 second clip of a song on repeat because he didn't want 660 00:42:37,400 --> 00:42:41,840 to buy the song on iTunes. So he was just playing this 15 661 00:42:41,840 --> 00:42:44,960 seconds over and over again. And it's song by James Blunt. 662 00:42:45,480 --> 00:42:51,040 And it goes, goodbye, my lover. Goodbye, my friend. 663 00:42:52,520 --> 00:42:57,160 You have been the one. You have been the one for me. 664 00:42:57,520 --> 00:43:00,000 And then he plays it again. Touch my heart and touch my 665 00:43:00,000 --> 00:43:03,880 soul. That's going to make me cry 666 00:43:03,880 --> 00:43:06,360 because you actually have an amazing James Blunt esque voice. 667 00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:11,560 That's like one of my most thought of scenes from The 668 00:43:11,560 --> 00:43:14,480 Office ever. And when we were voice memoing 669 00:43:14,480 --> 00:43:17,560 about this decision, it just like came to my soul. 670 00:43:17,560 --> 00:43:18,160 I was. Playing. 671 00:43:18,560 --> 00:43:20,160 Yeah. And I wrote it down and I was 672 00:43:20,160 --> 00:43:22,000 like, this is what I'm going to sing to her. 673 00:43:22,240 --> 00:43:23,600 This is what I'm going to sing to her. 674 00:43:24,080 --> 00:43:26,480 And do a full do a full verse without me interrupting. 675 00:43:26,800 --> 00:43:29,600 I don't know more than that because that's the 15 seconds 676 00:43:29,600 --> 00:43:30,960 that he. That's the whole song. 677 00:43:31,000 --> 00:43:33,720 That's the whole song. Goodbye, my lover. 678 00:43:34,400 --> 00:43:38,720 And like Michael's kind of like singing along to it very meekly 679 00:43:38,720 --> 00:43:41,880 and his eyes are watering and I think Jim walks in. 680 00:43:41,880 --> 00:43:44,280 It's just I think I'm going to watch that tonight. 681 00:43:44,520 --> 00:43:48,840 I recommend it to everyone. I'll put the episode of The 682 00:43:48,840 --> 00:43:51,640 Office that it is in the description. 683 00:43:52,440 --> 00:43:54,120 I'll call you tonight. We can watch some of it 684 00:43:54,120 --> 00:43:55,480 together. Cute. 685 00:43:55,920 --> 00:43:58,920 Let's do it. OK, Love you. 686 00:43:59,840 --> 00:44:02,360 I love you. Good luck. 687 00:44:03,960 --> 00:44:07,120 To us, we love you guys.