1 00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:05,200 Welcome to Let's Chat with MBB. I'm Sarah Burby, A BCBA National 2 00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:08,200 Board certified, health and Wellness coach, certified and TV 3 00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:12,680 even counselor, 7 figure business owner, speaker, mentor 4 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:16,280 and community trailblazer. I created this podcast as a 5 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:20,360 space for you to feel connected, confident, and ready to tap into 6 00:00:20,360 --> 00:00:23,120 your passion. Because here is what I know to 7 00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:25,960 be true. You can have it all if you allow 8 00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:27,960 yourself to be open to receiving it. 9 00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:31,480 On this show, we're diving deep into the intersection of mind, 10 00:00:31,720 --> 00:00:34,760 body, and behavior. We'll explore what it takes to 11 00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:38,120 build a life and business you love, breakthrough the barriers 12 00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:41,360 holding you back, and step into the version of yourself you're 13 00:00:41,360 --> 00:00:43,760 meant to be. My hope is that you meet each 14 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:47,400 episode feeling supported, motivated, and ready to tap into 15 00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:50,480 your highest self. I'd like you to crush every 16 00:00:50,480 --> 00:00:53,440 single self limiting belief that's been keeping you small 17 00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:56,360 and step boldly into everything you're capable of becoming. 18 00:00:56,760 --> 00:01:01,040 So let's chat. Hey y'all and welcome back to 19 00:01:01,040 --> 00:01:03,680 Let's chat. I'm going to get right into it 20 00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:07,280 today because this topic, I don't know if you guys ever have 21 00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:12,160 this experience, but whatever. I'm trying not to think about 22 00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:14,520 topics for the podcast or I guess sometimes I should say I'm 23 00:01:14,520 --> 00:01:17,080 not intentionally sitting down and being like, OK, this is what 24 00:01:17,080 --> 00:01:18,280 I want, what I want to talk about. 25 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,400 I give the best ideas. And I was literally just driving 26 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:24,880 in my car on Saturday over the weekend, and I was supposed to 27 00:01:24,880 --> 00:01:26,520 stop at Target to fix something up. 28 00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:28,920 And I just got in the zone in my head and I was thinking about 29 00:01:28,920 --> 00:01:31,080 all these different things. And I phoned to my driveway and 30 00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:33,400 I was like, shoot, I forgot. Just sorry bit. 31 00:01:33,400 --> 00:01:36,280 So I had to go back again. But this is the idea that I was 32 00:01:36,280 --> 00:01:38,640 thinking about. And so I want to share it with 33 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:41,040 you today. And I want you to think about 34 00:01:41,040 --> 00:01:43,960 the time that you failed at something. 35 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:48,640 Maybe it was a launch that flopped, maybe it was a 36 00:01:48,760 --> 00:01:53,280 relationship that ended badly, a business decision that cost you 37 00:01:53,280 --> 00:01:54,720 money. Welcome to the club. 38 00:01:55,600 --> 00:01:58,720 Maybe it was a goal that you set in January and then you just 39 00:01:58,720 --> 00:02:03,560 totally abandoned it by March. Something where the outcome was 40 00:02:03,560 --> 00:02:07,040 just not what you wanted and you felt it. 41 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:10,320 Like really, really felt it. So I want you to think about 42 00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:13,320 that and just hold on to it for a second. 43 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:19,000 I want to ask you, when that happened, did you think, oh, 44 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:23,000 hey, that didn't work out? What do I do differently next 45 00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:27,000 time? Or did you think this means 46 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:31,160 something about who I am? Because that right there, that 47 00:02:31,160 --> 00:02:36,840 split second where an outcome becomes an identity, that is 48 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:39,680 what I want to talk about today. That is the difference between 49 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:44,600 failure and defeat. And most people do not even 50 00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:46,360 realize that they've made the switch. 51 00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:51,360 So I'm going to get into today what I think is one of the most 52 00:02:51,360 --> 00:02:54,480 misunderstood concepts in personal development and 53 00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:58,600 honestly just in life. And that difference is the 54 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:03,320 difference between failing and being defeated 'cause they are 55 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:05,920 not the same thing, OK? They're not even close. 56 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:10,760 And confusing them is one of the most expensive mistakes that you 57 00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:13,880 can make. So here is a core distinction 58 00:03:13,880 --> 00:03:19,600 for you to think about failure if an event defeat is a 59 00:03:19,720 --> 00:03:22,520 decision. Let me just lay that out clearly 60 00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:25,520 because this is really an important distinction. 61 00:03:25,800 --> 00:03:29,960 And the more useful today's podcast will be more useful if 62 00:03:29,960 --> 00:03:34,040 you really understand that failure is a single event or 63 00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:36,040 outcome. It is something that happened. 64 00:03:36,160 --> 00:03:41,320 It has a date, it has a context. It has, it's fine, right? 65 00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:43,440 You launched the thing and it didn't land. 66 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:45,200 You apply for the role and you didn't get it. 67 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:47,080 You tried the strategy and it didn't work. 68 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:50,040 That is failure. It is a result. 69 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:54,160 It is data. It is not your life sentence. 70 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:58,080 I tell people in clinicians doing more all the freaking 71 00:03:58,080 --> 00:04:00,400 time. If you do something it doesn't 72 00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:03,640 work out the way that you thought it was going to be, that 73 00:04:03,640 --> 00:04:05,920 is just data. It's just helping you make a 74 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:08,520 decision and get closer to your end goal. 75 00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,440 Defeat is something completely different. 76 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:15,160 Defeat is a state of mind. It's what happens when you take 77 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:18,920 that single event, that one outcome, and then you decide, 78 00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:22,120 consciously or not, then it means you should just stop. 79 00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,240 That it's proof that you just can't do it. 80 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:28,040 It wasn't meant for you, that it's a sign that you shouldn't 81 00:04:28,040 --> 00:04:31,560 keep going. Defeat is not what happened to 82 00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:34,440 you. Defeat is what you decide in 83 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:37,400 that moment. And the really terrifying part 84 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:40,280 is that most people make that decision without even realizing 85 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:44,520 that they're making it. It just happens in the way they 86 00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:46,640 stop talking about the thing, they stop trying. 87 00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:50,040 They stop believing that it is possible for them. 88 00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,480 So think about this. Imagine you're driving somewhere 89 00:04:52,480 --> 00:04:55,960 that you've never been before, and you take a wrong turn. 90 00:04:56,680 --> 00:04:58,520 OK, Yep, that's a mistake. That's failure. 91 00:04:58,520 --> 00:05:02,520 Wrong turn 1. Wrong turn does not mean that 92 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:04,280 you cannot reach your destination. 93 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:06,640 It just means you need to recalculate, right? 94 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:09,720 If anyone had the old GP s s from like whenever they first 95 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:11,920 came out, I mean, it just keeps giving you the direction. 96 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:13,360 Recalcitating, recalcitating, right? 97 00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:16,760 That's something going on. Defeat is when you pull over, 98 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:20,680 you turn off your car and you're like, well, I was never meant to 99 00:05:20,680 --> 00:05:24,640 go to that destination in the 1st place, OK, Same journey, 100 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:27,960 same wrong turn, completely different response. 101 00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:32,720 And the response is what determines everything that comes 102 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,680 next. So why does this happen? 103 00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:39,680 Why do we easily slide from not didn't work into I am someone 104 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:45,280 who fails And the answer I think could have been the neurology. 105 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:49,000 And I think once you understand it, it becomes a lot easier to 106 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,920 then catch yourself from this is happening. 107 00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:54,480 So your brain literally has what's called a negativity bias. 108 00:05:54,760 --> 00:05:58,880 It is a wire to wait negative experiences more heavily than 109 00:05:58,880 --> 00:06:02,160 positive ones. And it's a survival mechanism. 110 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:06,640 For most human history, missing a threat was more costly than 111 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:09,200 missing an opportunity. So you'll bring in learn to pay 112 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:12,320 in close attention to all the bad stuff that happened, to 113 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:15,760 remember it longer, to build stronger, stronger neural 114 00:06:15,760 --> 00:06:18,400 connections around it. Which means when you fail at 115 00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:22,720 something, your brain stamps it in bold exclamation point, coded 116 00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:27,120 deeply right, And if you don't consciously reframe it, that 117 00:06:27,360 --> 00:06:30,720 encoded failure becomes a belief, and that belief starts 118 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:33,520 filtering every single thing you do. 119 00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:36,920 There's also research on something called learned 120 00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:39,840 helplessness, which is where after enough painful or 121 00:06:39,840 --> 00:06:42,200 unsuccessful experiences, a person stops trying all 122 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:44,920 together. Even when circumstances change 123 00:06:45,160 --> 00:06:47,560 and success is actually available to them. 124 00:06:48,200 --> 00:06:51,040 Their brain has essentially concluded that effort does not 125 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:54,400 lead to results for me, and it protects them from further pain 126 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:58,000 by just stop by shutting down trying, but stop trying. 127 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:02,640 And this is defeat in the most extreme form. 128 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:07,400 It's your nervous system that was taught through enough 129 00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:11,000 unprocessed failure that it's safer just to stop. 130 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:17,720 But, and this is important, learned helplessness can be or 131 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:20,560 should I just say learn help. Assist is not an end all be all. 132 00:07:20,680 --> 00:07:25,240 We can rebuild, we can build new relational networks, right? 133 00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:28,680 The neuro populates that say failure means stop can be 134 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:31,000 rewire. Just like we talked about in the 135 00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:33,360 quantum leap episode, your brain is plastic. 136 00:07:33,360 --> 00:07:35,400 It's so freaking cool. When you really Start learning 137 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:39,800 about this, it can build new routes and the way you build 138 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:44,840 then and by changing how you interpret and respond to failure 139 00:07:45,040 --> 00:07:49,880 before defeat has a chance to settle in, which is exactly what 140 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:52,560 I want to talk about today. So here's some signs that you 141 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,640 are confusing failure with defeat. 142 00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:58,320 Never what? You stopped talking about the 143 00:07:58,320 --> 00:08:00,760 thing that you used to be excited about. 144 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:04,800 And it's not that you lost excitement, but somewhere along 145 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:08,800 the way you started to feel a little bit nourished or silly 146 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:12,800 maybe for some winning it. Like you'd already shown the 147 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:15,480 world that you can't do it, so why would you keep bringing it 148 00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:16,920 up? Why would you keep trying? 149 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:20,360 And you just stopped. And it doesn't really feel like 150 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:22,000 defeat. It kind of just feels like I'm 151 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:23,560 maturing. I realized this isn't gonna be 152 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:25,880 the right route for me. I'm just gonna move on. 153 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:29,640 Like you're being realistic F being realistic, OK? 154 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:34,480 I don't want to live a day in my life where I am being realistic. 155 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:38,280 That sounds pretty boring to me. A lot of people think being 156 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:43,480 realistic is just more socially appropriate, so should be 157 00:08:43,480 --> 00:08:46,720 acceptable than continuing to try. 158 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:50,320 So think about a person, maybe this is you, who had a business 159 00:08:50,320 --> 00:08:54,440 idea and you were just so on fire about it, told everybody, 160 00:08:54,440 --> 00:08:57,160 made the plan, took the steps, and it didn't gain traction as 161 00:08:57,160 --> 00:09:00,480 fast as you expected. Again, welcome to the club. 162 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,760 And then slowly, over the next few months, you just stop 163 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:06,440 bringing it up. Maybe it wasn't even bad and it 164 00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:09,960 was a really good idea, but there was a gap between where 165 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:13,400 you were and where you wanted to be, and that gap felt like 166 00:09:13,440 --> 00:09:15,480 evidence that you just weren't the right person. 167 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:17,680 It wasn't the right time. And if you really just kept 168 00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:22,920 going, you would have seen your results in Penfold, right #2 169 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:27,360 you're using past failures as proofs of future ones. 170 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:31,240 I see this all the time. I tried that before and it 171 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:33,520 didn't work. Last time I did something like 172 00:09:33,520 --> 00:09:36,000 this, it fell apart. I have a story of just not 173 00:09:36,000 --> 00:09:38,560 following through. If any version of those 174 00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:43,600 sentences sound familiar, that is failure being used as your 175 00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:46,120 little crystal ball to predict the future. 176 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:50,080 And here is the thing, past failure is not predictive. 177 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:54,360 It is informative. There is a massive difference, 178 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:58,760 and I can tell you if it can tell you what didn't work, Yes, 179 00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:03,280 of course, but it also tells you what to adjust, what you need to 180 00:10:03,280 --> 00:10:06,720 improve on, what you need, skills you need that you didn't 181 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:09,520 have before. What it cannot tell you is 182 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:11,640 whether the next attempt will fail. 183 00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:16,080 That's not Dita. That is a story that your mind 184 00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:17,960 is telling you and is not very objective. 185 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:21,040 And with the Ray, you've started shrinking the goal instead of 186 00:10:21,040 --> 00:10:24,720 adjusting the approach. And this one is so subtle. 187 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:28,200 Instead of saying, OK, that strategy didn't work, what is a 188 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:29,720 different way that I can look at this? 189 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:31,840 What is a different lens? How can I go about this 190 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,480 differently? You start saying, well, maybe I 191 00:10:34,480 --> 00:10:37,520 was just aiming too high, maybe I should want something smaller, 192 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:39,280 Maybe I need to be more realistic about what's 193 00:10:39,280 --> 00:10:42,400 achievable for me. And look, sometimes 194 00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:44,520 recalibrating that is wise, right? 195 00:10:44,520 --> 00:10:47,320 We all have to do that. But a lot of time shrinking the 196 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:52,280 goal is just a way to avoid risk of failing at the bigger one 197 00:10:52,280 --> 00:10:54,720 again. And the goal didn't get smarter 198 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:59,160 because you got clearer, it got smaller because you got scared. 199 00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:01,120 Those are two very different things. 200 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:07,600 OK, Is a goal getting smaller because you are being clear or 201 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:10,120 is it getting smaller because you got scared? 202 00:11:10,240 --> 00:11:13,640 And really think about that. Number 4, you are comparing your 203 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:16,320 failure to everyone else's highlight reel. 204 00:11:16,320 --> 00:11:20,440 Welcome to 2026. OK, you failed at the thing and 205 00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:22,400 then immediately looks at everyone around you that seemed 206 00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:25,200 to be succeeding at it effortlessly. 207 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:28,320 And instead of thinking they're further along than me right now, 208 00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:31,640 they're on Chapter 20. Your thought is they can do this 209 00:11:31,640 --> 00:11:34,640 and I can't. That is comparison doing the 210 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:38,200 work of defeat, because what you're seeing is the result, not 211 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:40,120 the road it took them to get there. 212 00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:43,720 You're not seeing all their long turns, you're not scree all 213 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,840 their scrapped ideas. You're not seeing the moments 214 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:48,760 where they were crying, where they were working all night. 215 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:51,720 You were comparing your behind the scenes to their highlight 216 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:54,680 reel and using it as evidence that you don't belong in the 217 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:56,800 game. And I really need you to 218 00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:00,360 understand when you are doing this because this is so 219 00:12:00,680 --> 00:12:04,680 unfortunately see this all the time and it's so curated what 220 00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:07,960 people are posting. Right #5 you stopped being 221 00:12:07,960 --> 00:12:14,640 curious about what went wrong. When failure is just data, your 222 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:17,360 natural response is going to be curiosity. 223 00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:20,760 Huh, that's interesting. What didn't work? 224 00:12:21,240 --> 00:12:23,640 Why? What would I do differently next 225 00:12:23,640 --> 00:12:25,680 time? But when failure has crossed 226 00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:29,760 into defeat, your curiosity is going to shut down, because 227 00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:34,120 getting curious about what went wrong would require believing 228 00:12:34,200 --> 00:12:36,800 that a different outcome is possible. 229 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:40,600 And defeat doesn't believe that. So instead you just avoid 230 00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:42,960 thinking about it entirely. You move on, You distract 231 00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,720 yourself, you tell yourself it doesn't matter. 232 00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:48,640 But unexpected failure is just wasted failure. 233 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:52,120 The lesson is still sitting there waiting to be picked up. 234 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:53,800 And I see this all the time with clients too. 235 00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:57,360 The ones who are ready to grow will say, OK, that didn't work, 236 00:12:57,560 --> 00:12:59,520 now please help me figure out why. 237 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:02,600 The ones who have slipped into defeat will say, I just don't 238 00:13:02,600 --> 00:13:05,240 think this is for me. They're the exact same outcome, 239 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:09,720 but two very wildly different responses to that. 240 00:13:09,920 --> 00:13:11,760 You guys, I cannot say this enough. 241 00:13:11,800 --> 00:13:15,440 I am constantly doing things that that do not work. 242 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:19,200 OK, I would say that it's happening less and less, but I 243 00:13:19,200 --> 00:13:22,200 am constantly revising things, testing things. 244 00:13:22,440 --> 00:13:27,320 That is the whole damn point. If I stopped on things that I 245 00:13:27,320 --> 00:13:30,440 knew were working and it didn't propel my business forward, I 246 00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:33,080 would just stay stagnant. I'm constantly trial and 247 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:34,920 erroring things and then literally looking that 248 00:13:34,920 --> 00:13:38,160 objectively and saying, wow, that is not the way I thought it 249 00:13:38,160 --> 00:13:39,920 was going to go. What happened? 250 00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:41,800 Why was that? How can I look at this 251 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:43,560 differently? How can I tweak this or change 252 00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:45,080 up? I think that's the freaking fun 253 00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:49,360 part of a business is getting so crystal fear on exactly what's 254 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:52,880 working and what's not so that you can continue to propel you 255 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:56,720 resolve forward. Number six, I think of mine, my 256 00:13:56,720 --> 00:14:01,120 tangents is you feel relieved when something falls through. 257 00:14:01,520 --> 00:14:03,360 And this is gonna really tell you something when an 258 00:14:03,360 --> 00:14:07,360 opportunity does not pan out. And your first feeling 259 00:14:07,760 --> 00:14:10,920 underneath any disappointment is actually relief. 260 00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,280 Relief that you don't have to try again. 261 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:16,480 Relief that you don't have to risk feeling again, because 262 00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:20,240 defeat, when it is fully settled in, doesn't just make you stop 263 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:23,920 trying, it makes you stop feeling safe. 264 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:28,680 And trying feels dangerous. And if release is familiar to 265 00:14:28,680 --> 00:14:30,520 you, I want you to sit with that. 266 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:33,880 Not to judge yourself for it, but to recognize it for what it 267 00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:36,960 is. Your nervous system has learned 268 00:14:37,040 --> 00:14:41,120 that effort leads to pain. And that is absolutely something 269 00:14:41,120 --> 00:14:43,760 that we can rewire. We can build those new 270 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:48,600 relational networks. So how many of those felt 271 00:14:48,600 --> 00:14:50,600 uncomfortable for you? How many of those hit for you? 272 00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:54,760 Because if you've even won, two of those things landed. 273 00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:58,120 I want you to hear this. You are not defeated. 274 00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:02,360 You have just been letting failure tell a story that it was 275 00:15:02,360 --> 00:15:05,080 never supposed to tell. And the fact that you can 276 00:15:05,080 --> 00:15:08,840 recognize it, that's good. That's just the beginning of 277 00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:13,520 getting unstuck, of building those new relational networks. 278 00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:16,920 Awareness always, always, always is the first move. 279 00:15:17,360 --> 00:15:21,440 So how does defeat actually get installed after a failure? 280 00:15:21,840 --> 00:15:25,320 Like I said, defeat doesn't usually happen at that moment of 281 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:27,200 failure. You don't typically fail and 282 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,800 immediately give up. It's like kind of sneaky and it 283 00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:34,000 happens in the processing or the avoiding of processing. 284 00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:36,480 So in the days and weeks that follow. 285 00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,800 And so here are some mistakes that I see. 286 00:15:38,960 --> 00:15:45,800 Sometimes people make it seem something about who they are, or 287 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:48,080 as they should say, they make it mean something about who they 288 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:51,840 are. So the moment you move from that 289 00:15:51,880 --> 00:15:56,960 failed to I am a failure, that is a moment that defeat starts. 290 00:15:57,360 --> 00:16:00,680 Because failure as an event is something you can learn from, 291 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:03,400 something you can adjust, something you can move past. 292 00:16:03,680 --> 00:16:08,280 Failure as an identity is something you carry into every 293 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:13,080 next attempt and use as a reason to pull back before you've even 294 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:16,040 started. And it sounds so obvious when 295 00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:19,240 I'm saying it right now. And of course 1 outcome does not 296 00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:23,000 define you. But in practice, how often do 297 00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:26,840 you notice yourself going from that event right? 298 00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:29,840 That something I that event failed. 299 00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:32,480 That event didn't go how I wanted to to I am a failure 300 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:35,760 happened so fast, so automatically that most people 301 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:39,720 do not even catch it. So that reef ringing, I failed 302 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:43,640 that specific thing in that specific context at that 303 00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:47,360 specific time and there no explanation. 304 00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:49,920 Therefore I am someone who fails. 305 00:16:50,440 --> 00:16:53,160 Just stop there. That happened, it didn't work 306 00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:54,600 out. What did that teach me? 307 00:16:55,160 --> 00:16:58,880 Another mistake I see is people skipping the process and jumping 308 00:16:58,880 --> 00:17:01,480 straight to moving on. And there is a difference 309 00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:03,600 between processing and ruminating. 310 00:17:04,119 --> 00:17:08,040 Processing means you actually sit with the failure long enough 311 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:12,319 to extract the lesson. You ask what went wrong, what 312 00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:15,560 you do differently, what you need that you didn't have 313 00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:17,800 before. And rooming means that you're 314 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:20,319 just replaying that painful feeling over and over and over 315 00:17:20,319 --> 00:17:23,319 again without actually extracting anything useful. 316 00:17:23,760 --> 00:17:27,359 Most people do one stream or the other, skip the processing 317 00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:31,480 entirely, or ruminate endlessly and forget to the lesson. 318 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:35,400 And that sweet spot is what I call processing with intention. 319 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:39,480 So you're feeling it, you're examining it, you're learning 320 00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:41,120 from it, and then you're moving forward. 321 00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:44,120 I know I didn't episode on this. I don't even remember my episode 322 00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:47,560 numbers, but I'm asking yourself, what is the lesson 323 00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:50,160 here? My life changed so much when I 324 00:17:50,160 --> 00:17:53,840 just got used to asking myself what is a lesson instead of why 325 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:57,480 is this happening to me? Why is this happening for me? 326 00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:59,880 What is a lesson that I can extract out of this? 327 00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:03,680 I might not like it, most of the time I don't like it, but I know 328 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:06,920 if I sit with it long enough, there is a lesson there. 329 00:18:06,920 --> 00:18:12,360 I just need to be open and willing to process it #3 The 330 00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:15,400 last mistake I'm going to talk about is waiting until you feel 331 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:18,600 ready to try again. And so after a failure, a lot of 332 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:20,920 people decide that they need to feel ready before they try 333 00:18:20,920 --> 00:18:22,320 again. They need to feel confident and 334 00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:25,160 prepared, certainly, and it won't happen again. 335 00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:27,320 And so they wait. They wait. 336 00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:29,640 And that waiting feels responsible, like they're being 337 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:32,000 strategic. But what's actually happening is 338 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:33,960 that the readiness becomes the excuse. 339 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:36,720 Because here it's what I know to be true. 340 00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:39,760 Confidence to try again does not come before you attempt. 341 00:18:39,760 --> 00:18:42,400 No way. It comes from the attempt. 342 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:47,960 You don't get ready and then go. You go and the readiness builds 343 00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:50,800 in the gully. Waiting until the fear is gone 344 00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,320 means sorry, but you're going to be waiting forever. 345 00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:58,720 And if he is just a very long wait dressed up as caution. 346 00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:03,960 And so I have been at that work in the road multiple times. 347 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:06,360 There have been things that I've tried in my business that did 348 00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:08,640 not work. There have been investments that 349 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:10,520 did not pay off the way I expected. 350 00:19:10,720 --> 00:19:13,400 There have been programs that didn't feel the way I planned. 351 00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:16,520 And moments where that gap between where I was and where I 352 00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:20,200 wanted to be felt very, very. Why those moments? 353 00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:22,440 I had a choice. And I'm not going to pretend 354 00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:25,960 like it was always cleanly made. I was always making those 355 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:27,520 quickly. Sometimes I sought and that 356 00:19:27,520 --> 00:19:31,400 longer than I would have liked. But every single time I came 357 00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:35,040 back to the same question. Is this telling me I should 358 00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:36,880 stop? Or is it telling me I need to 359 00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:39,640 adjust? And the answer almost every 360 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:44,040 single time was just adjust. The failure was never at the end 361 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:47,080 of the story. It was just a chapter that 362 00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:49,840 required some edits. It required some rewrite. 363 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:54,280 And every person you admire who has built something, a business, 364 00:19:54,360 --> 00:20:00,640 a career, a life, they have a whole failure resume, a list of 365 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:04,160 things that didn't work out, launches at flops best intend to 366 00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:07,600 pay all seasons where they wonder if they should keep going 367 00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:09,760 if they made a huge mistake. Every single person. 368 00:20:10,320 --> 00:20:11,880 You probably just didn't see that part. 369 00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:14,400 You saw the version of them on the other side of it. 370 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,680 And the only thing that separates the people could get 371 00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:18,600 to the other side from the ones that don't. 372 00:20:18,600 --> 00:20:21,000 It is not talent, my friend. It is not luck. 373 00:20:21,040 --> 00:20:23,720 It is not framing. It is a decision that is made 374 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:29,560 over and over and over again. That failure is data, not a 375 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:32,080 destiny. So here's what I want you to do 376 00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:34,000 this week. I might need to think about one 377 00:20:34,000 --> 00:20:36,840 thing you've been treating as defeat that was actually just 378 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:39,680 failure. One thing that you stop talking 379 00:20:39,680 --> 00:20:42,920 about, stop trying, stop bleeding what's possible for you 380 00:20:43,160 --> 00:20:45,520 because of an outcome that happened at a specific point in 381 00:20:45,520 --> 00:20:47,000 time. And I want you to ask yourself 382 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:50,480 honestly, did that failure actually tell me to stop, or did 383 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:55,000 I decide to stop and then use that failure as the reason? 384 00:20:55,520 --> 00:20:58,400 Failure is an event. Defeat is a decision. 385 00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:02,280 As long as you haven't decided, as long as you're still here, 386 00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:05,440 still listening, still asking the question, you have not been 387 00:21:05,440 --> 00:21:07,640 defeated. You have just been failing 388 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:11,920 forward. And that is exactly where the 389 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,440 girls lives. You are allowed to fail. 390 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:18,280 It is so normal to fail. You are allowed to feel loudly 391 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:20,480 and messy and in front of people. 392 00:21:20,720 --> 00:21:23,160 You're allowed to try something that doesn't always work. 393 00:21:23,160 --> 00:21:27,200 That's literally the process. The people who never fail are 394 00:21:27,200 --> 00:21:30,920 the people who never try anything worth doing and I do 395 00:21:30,920 --> 00:21:32,840 not want that for you. I want the version of you who 396 00:21:32,840 --> 00:21:36,360 tries, who fails sometimes, who learns, who keeps going anyway, 397 00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:39,120 That version of you that is freaking unstoppable. 398 00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:44,280 As always, if you found this episode helpful, I would love if 399 00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:48,520 you would share with a friend, subscribe to the podcast or 400 00:21:48,520 --> 00:21:50,680 follow I guess, depending on the platform that you're using. 401 00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:53,400 Or send me Adm if this is helpful because I always love 402 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:56,960 chatting with you more outside of the podcast and I will catch 403 00:21:56,960 --> 00:22:00,720 you next week chat soon. Hey there, I have three 404 00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:06,120 important announcements before you go #1 if you look free, high 405 00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:09,920 quality, seen, use, then make sure you click on the first link 406 00:22:09,920 --> 00:22:13,080 in our show notes which will stick you to our free community. 407 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:17,160 You do at least one CUA month. You have to be in the free 408 00:22:17,160 --> 00:22:22,320 community in order to get access to them #2 if you are an RT or a 409 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:26,320 BCDA that is looking to expand your skill set beyond Optizo, 410 00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:30,160 you become dually certified as a board certified, often bonus 411 00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:32,640 coach. You are not because fall 412 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:38,680 registration for our NBHWC 32 CEO coaching program is open, 413 00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:42,120 but we have limited spots for Thursday night and Saturday 414 00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:44,840 morning if you're new, is the second link in the show notes. 415 00:22:45,120 --> 00:22:48,000 You will get a promo code that is designed specifically for 416 00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:51,600 podcast listeners that you have to fill out the second link in 417 00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:57,000 the show notes to get that to your in #3 if you are a BC day 418 00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:01,040 that wants to make more money while working less, yes, it's 419 00:23:01,040 --> 00:23:03,240 actually possible in a world in Kuka way. 420 00:23:03,520 --> 00:23:06,240 Make sure you check out our community club clinicians doing 421 00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:08,560 more previously permission for more. 422 00:23:08,560 --> 00:23:11,680 We have naive pledge of BCD as they're building their own 423 00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:15,240 business inside and outside autism and we would love to see 424 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:16,880 you there. All the information is on the 425 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,120 third link in our show notes. All right, Tatsu.