I, I say this all the time, but I'm like you, you see these
people that move through the world with such a joy and
expansion and you know, like you're like, wow, how is that
person so fucking happy? And the answer is if it's true,
right? There are some people that kind
of mask and pretend if you really pull back the layers,
they're not actually that happy. But if you are coming across
someone that is just genuinely like experiencing bliss in
euphoria, that means that they also have the capacity to
experience the complete opposite and they and you have to, you
can't reach the light without the darkness.
And I think Burning Man is a wonderful example of that.
Where Burning Man is tough as hell, the terrain, the
environment, getting there is hard.
It's expensive, there's dust storms and it's challenging.
It is the most challenging thing you can, maybe not the most, but
it is one of the most challenging things you can
endure. And the reward on the other side
of it, when you see that sun, when you stumble upon that set,
when you see that magical art piece and you're like, how the
literal fuck did they get a 747 in the middle of the desert?
Like what is going on? Like those moments are just, you
worked so hard for them that they're even more magical.
OK, now I'm like I have to. Go.
You got to go. You totally sold that on me.
Amanda, what's keeping you up tonight?
I feel like. People chase sex because it's
easy, but they avoid true intimacy because actually being
seen is fucking terrifying. Oh, that, that hits hard.
I'm a little. I feel like I'm a little.
It's personal. I feel a little bit.
Attacked. Good.
So wait, what?
Tell me more, What? So what do you mean by true?
Intimacy. Well, I'll flip the question
back at you. What do you consider to be
intimacy? Well, I feel like physical
intimacy is a kind of intimacy, like sex is intimate, but but I
feel like, you know, the little things like, you know, like
holding hands and like, I don't know, eating the leftover food
the other person had leftover and you know, all these little
things. It's.
Do you feel like this is intimate right now?
Oh, it is. It is a stranger that I met on
the subway invites me to her apartment via DM and says hey I
have some pajamas for you and I want you to get into my bed and
shoot a podcast with me. Well, that that that sounds
sounds a little weird. I'm sorry that no, I love it.
No, I love it, but yeah, like I I feel like so my my story with
that I'll I'll backtrack a lot. No, I just.
Wouldn't we have to tell people how we actually met?
This is no fun. OK, OK, OK, OK.
Yeah. No, wait.
I think you came up to me. Did you come up to me or did I
come? Up to you.
Do you need it on the subway? Yeah, we did.
OK, OK, OK. Yeah.
Halloween pre Halloween weekend. Let's set the stage.
It's 5:00 in the morning on the
subway. Everyone's dressed in costume.
Well, not, not exactly everyone. Us You're dressed in costume
with your friend, boyfriend, friend, partner, friend, male
friend. I don't know.
We'll talk after the pot. OK, so and.
You're with your girl and I. Was with my friend Anna and we
were on the subway at like 5:00 AM.
It was after the City of God's festival in New York City.
So fun, which was. Actually the best party I've
ever been to, honestly. You too like.
Literally, it was so much. Fun.
Was it your first time? It was my first time at City of
God. OK, me too.
But it was not my first burner party.
Was that your first burner party?
What do you mean burner party So.
That was a Burning Man party. Oh, I didn't know that was it.
I mean, I think I like, I didn't know that was like specifically
a Burning Man party. I know there's like Burning Man
stuff but I didn't know it was like.
Yeah, so, so there was like, I think it was 8 different Burning
Man camps that made-up the, the, the party landscape.
And it was, it was I, I did so much research on this afterwards
because I was just so blown away by the production of it.
But it was House of Yes, which is the venue in Brooklyn.
And then Zero Community, which was like another production
company and they collaborated. I'm pretty sure there was 8000
people there. Like it was, it was a massive
production. It was a big venue.
It was a big. Venue, but it literally was like
it felt felt like Burning Man in the middle of New York City,
which was like I left the next day just being like that was
I've been to I've been to Burning Man, I've been to music
festivals all around the world. I've been to so many different
events and that event literally blew my fucking mind.
I've that's, that's literally what I've been talking to my
friends about. Like, like now it's already, I
don't know, like end of November.
I'm still talking about November.
It's the mid November. It's, it's mid November.
Well, it's almost a month after that party, still talking about
it like with all my friends. Like what did you do for
Halloween? And not as fun as me.
Did you go to Vampire Ball the next weekend?
The same venue? Yeah.
How was it? City of Gods was better, but
Vampire Ball was at the same venue and it was like, that
venue was just so fucking cool. Like it's so.
Cool. No, this OK, I have I have a
story. So back to our story.
Yeah, you finished the story and then I'll tell you.
OK, so. Basically, so basically we're at
this epic party separately, didn't know each other.
We're we're on the train. My friend and I, we're on our
way home. I was staying at her house.
We were wearing these like bright ass fucking costumes.
My friend like handmade her entire costume.
She's wearing this bright yellow queen bee costume.
I'm wearing this pink costume with fairy wings.
And like it's it was to the point, like our costumes were so
ostentatious that people were stopping us on the streets and
like asking to take photos. Oh my God, like it.
Was one of those nights where it was just like crazy.
And so we're on the train, it's 5:00 AM, There's like a couple
of like normal people on the train.
Maybe people like try to go to work at the party the fucking
next day. I felt so bad.
People were like getting up at 5:00 AM to go to work.
It was very neat. It was like a very New York City
moment. And I were sitting there and I,
we look across and we see you and someone that you were with.
I don't know who it was. We'll leave that anonymous.
And you guys were dressed as clowns.
Yes. And I I think I asked if I could
take your photo because you guys looked so cool.
And then I took your photo. And then you were like, OK, Air
dropped that to me. Air dropped it.
Did not exchange phone numbers. We had this, like, just New York
moment on the subway. Like, saw each other.
We're like, you're in costume. Were you at the same party as
us? Yeah.
Cool. Like, it was such a brief
moment. Cut to a week later.
Well, after that party, I, I do content creation as a part of
like the work that I do. And so I created a recap reel
for City of Gods that the production company actually
reposted. So it got like pretty wide
range. It was like one of my most
viewed reels I've had. And I think the algorithm fed
you my reel and then I get Adm like a week later from you and
it's like, Hey, I'm that girl you met on the train.
And then we started shouting and I was like, yo, how did you find
me? Like what the heck?
Well, thanks to Mark, like Mark Zuckerberg, that's that's, yeah,
something good about social media.
We can like actually find each other and connect with each.
Other and now I'm in your bed, in your heart in a month later.
It's so wild. I did not expect that.
I was like, you know what's crazier?
I was like, this is crazier that I've already seen this girl like
on the Internet that I just met like randomly on the subway and
and you know what's crazy? I'm going to ask her to be on
my. Podcast, which, yeah.
And I was like, fuck yeah. I saw your podcast and I was
like, I have my own podcast as well, but I love the, you know,
I I have a lot of thoughts on like sex and intimacy and
girlhood and all these different things.
And that's not what my podcast is about.
I touch on it sometimes. But I was like, oh, an
opportunity to one get to like, this is an incredible set up.
Like you. Congratulations for a few months
in. Yeah, well, this is gonna blow
the fuck up. This is awesome.
I hope so. Thank you.
I think you're definitely bringing the right energy to the
podcast. Thank you.
Yeah, yeah, okay. There's so many details, sorry
that we're like delaying on the actual like hot take that you
have, but. Like that's not real.
So, so I I say with my friends, I'm like what we do when we are,
cuz this is ADHD years, you guys will freaking understand is we
just keep opening up new tabs of the conversation.
So it's like tab 1, Tab 2 and then we can go back to the tabs.
So we have the opening tab, you have this tab, and then we go.
Yeah, we can. We can come back to the tab of
the like actual intimacy part. But yeah, it was like me and my
friend were were like kind of fucked up.
We're kind of like recovering from because we were not sober
at City of Goths. And like we saw you guys, which
you are so pretty. I love the costume.
I love the production of everything.
And there there's like 1 little detail that I like.
My friend wanted me to ask you like because I told him.
That Yeah. Tell me.
Let's go. So there's like at one point
there's like 2 Italian guys who were like tourists that came up.
Oh my God I forgot about this like I'm on the.
Train and they just to the the 2-2 of you, like they were just
sitting by you by the two of you girls, and they were like try to
riz you up and I was like, oh, it's cool.
This is kind of cool. I don't know, like what are they
actually gonna do? But then you didn't end up going
home with them or EW. No, absolutely never.
No, these dudes, you know, what had happened was now I forgot
about this. They saw us from it because I
said like our costumes were so like, like all night, people
were stopping us and taking our photos.
Like, so we, we had like, we'd become like little like local
celebrities at that point. We were, we were just used to
it. And so these guys saw us on the
train and they were like, Hey, can we take a picture with you?
And we were like, sure. So we thought they were going to
like come over and like take a selfie and then walk away.
And instead these men literally like in between US and don't get
up and my friend and I are looking at we're we were all so
completely. Sober.
OK, you're not fucked up at all. So we were sitting there and
we're just like, this is so awkward.
Like I was gonna, I was gonna like, do they need help?
Do I need to like? Do we need to like?
Well, then they were trying to and then they were like they
were trying to invite us back to their hotel and I was like, no,
thank you. Like have a good night at 5A.
They're like, where are you guys going next?
We're like to bed. They're like, oh, you want to
come with us? We're like, no.
Like why are they out in the middle of the what mean 5:00 AM
in the morning like. I think they were like on
holiday. I think they were little like
little Taurus boys. Like I'm sorry, like that's not
no thank you. Like it's not for me.
OK, now we have the answer. That's like my answer my friend.
That's funny because I actually forgot that happened and my
friend and I were just like what?
Like this is so awkward. Like get up.
Like don't like worry. Like what are you doing?
I kind of forget. Were they cute?
I don't remember how they looked.
I feel like they were little. Like I don't know, I'm older
than everyone thinks I am. Like I feel like they were a
little. OK, OK.
Like age wise, not like height wise.
No, like age wise, I feel like they were young little boys.
Yeah, like try to, you know? I kind of got that vibe, but.
It was funny. I like grown up men.
Sorry. Yeah, me too.
Well, we'll talk more, but it was funny.
It'll be funny if like. They see that.
Yes, a month later they're like. You're like the pink it was I
was wearing pink, she was wearing yellow and there was 2
clowns on the train. So if you are those foreign boys
and you happen to see this clip, I'm so sorry, but like you, you
shot your shot and like, I appreciate that, but.
Yeah, I hope you enjoyed your the rest of the stay in New
York. I think they were leaving the
next. Morning.
Oh shit. OK, maybe that's why they're
like trying. Like they were like we have
nothing to. Lose.
Yeah, OK, well, definitely. Well, I, I thought it was like,
because it was right like the weekend before Halloween, so
nobody dresses up other than the people who are going a city of
God. So I felt really like
self-conscious, like 'cause me and my friend, we both dressed
in like full face paint clowns. You guys looked awesome.
Thank you so much. It was we put too much effort
into this. Like no it was, but that party
was like the fucking Met Gala of Halloween.
Everyone had such amazing costumes.
It was so cool. I saw so many people that I know
that I didn't know they're actually cool.
So it's like, if I see you at the party, at that party
specifically, I know that you're cool like.
Did you watch Gossip Girl when you were younger?
I watched a little bit. It just felt like it was just, I
feel like younger version of me would have been like, you're so
cool. Like it was one of those parties
where it was just like this is your life.
This is so fucking cool. Like what the fuck?
I mean, even if I'm not the younger version of you, I would
still think you're cool. Well, I mean like, but I mean
like if I had, if like younger me met me now and I was like,
yeah, like I go to these parties, I do this, I do that.
I would just be like, whoa, you did it.
Yeah, I did. It saw like, like, I think it's
Broski, what's her name? Like another Internet celebrity
she was talking about. She has a theory that everybody
is still the 16 year old version of them, that it just like still
has a little bit in them. It's like, you're so proud.
Yeah. Yeah, just.
Like what you're saying and like the only people that you really
want to impress from my perspective is like 8 year old
me and 80 year old me and nobody else matters.
Truly. I'm like if 8 year old me met me
now and thought I was cool, I fucking won.
If 80 year old me saw what I was doing now and was like yeah
girl. Yeah, why not?
Okay, I wanna know more about why you're cool.
Like you have to now. 8 year old and 80 year old, you think
you're cool? I need to like I'm the next
person you need to convince. Okay, please.
What do you wanna know? I'm an open book.
Let's go. Okay, Oh my God, just tell me
more about you. It's literally we just met on
the subway. Like this is the second time we
are meeting. So I don't know, just.
Met on the subway. So my name is Amanda.
Hi. Nice.
To meet you. Hi.
Yeah. Welcome to your bed.
So my elevator pitch, I guess I could give you like a little bit
about OK, so. Professional this is This is a
comedy podcast. But it's OK, we love some
professional. Well, listen, it's it's so I'm a
professional intentional party girl.
This is my new intentional. Party.
Professional, intentional party girl.
So I, I'm trying to figure out like Fast forward, like Long
story short, I, I worked in entertainment for 10 years.
I started in New York, I moved to Lai was in LA for six years.
I worked in talent representation and casting.
I worked in Hollywood. I worked with some really big
actors and was running a production company for an actor
that's. So cool, I'm already convinced.
And then I started doing like deep personal development work.
We talked about this a little bit because I just came from a
massive ceremony last night. Oh, right, right.
Yeah. And so I started doing deep
personal development work in my early 20s and simultaneously
started going to like big music festivals like Burning Man and
things like that. And then, May of 2023, I quit my
job, packed up my apartment, put everything in storage, and began
my adventures as a nomad to figure out like what my next
chapter was going to be. That's amazing.
Yeah. OK.
What is deep? What is a deep personal
development? What is that?
A deep personal development journey.
Yeah. Yeah.
So I just started working on myself.
You know, I, I recognize that there was a lot of unhealthy
patterns and relationship loops that I was finding myself in.
And in my early 20s, I was like, my things aren't going the way
that I want it to be going, going.
And I'm not feeling connected to people in the way that I want to
be connected to them. And so I was like, well, the
common denominator in all of the things that are happening in my
life is myself. And So what can I do to make
that better? And so I started talk therapy.
And then that led to eventually I started like somatic
embodiment work. So I started going to this thing
called ecstatic dance. OK, you're throwing me, throwing
at me. These words.
I OK. So somatic somatic is like, it's
like somatic embodiment work is like being able to move through
your emotions. So dance is a really powerful
somatic practice where sometimes you know, cognitive behavioral
talk therapy is like is like in your head, right?
So you can have conversations and you can talk to a therapist
about what you're going through. Somatic experiencing is you can
you hold trauma in your body, right?
Like your body is so, so, so intelligent.
And so sometimes you don't need or you don't have the correct
words to be able to process what you're going through.
And so like animals, like if you read books on trauma and they
talk about like, animals shake to get like energy out of their
bodies. And so humans do the same thing
with movement. And so that's why, like walking,
running, dancing, like yoga, people really find these
practices so helpful because you're able to actually process
and like move energy through your body so that it doesn't get
stagnant and stuff. Oh, I didn't.
I this is actually the first time I'm hearing this.
This is fascinating. I feel like I need to move more.
Maybe that's why. Yeah, that's like it's magic.
Sounds like it's going to be good for my mental health and
everything. 100 like literally, that's why it's like dancing.
Like go out and dance, that is. That's why we go to parties.
So why we go to parties? Yeah.
And then and then through that, I started working with plant
medicines. So I started going on a deep
dive into my psyche through psychedelics and.
Different. Types of plant medicines.
And then, yeah. And then since the Nomad journey
began, I started my own business.
I have a company called Amanda Fest.
Amanda Fest, is that also your podcast?
So Amanda Fest is a play on manifestation and festival, and
my name it is. I have a podcast, I do content
creation. I do workshops at music
festivals where I help people. I do a thing.
You'd like this a lot actually. So I do a thing called a pregame
meditation at festivals. Meditation.
OK, what is it so? I go to music festivals and
events and parties and I teach people how to drop into their
bodies, connect to themselves so that they can come back to a
place of safety. So the idea of it is get out of
your head, into your bodies, clear on your intentions and
ready to party. Oh, I love that.
How do you is it? It's just like a, is it like a
guided meditation? Yeah, basically.
With like house music, like it's fun.
So if you're not someone that likes to meditate, it's like you
come and it's high energy. It's fun.
It's like we take some breaths together.
We kind of feel into our bodies. I guide people through, like
setting some intentions and then it allows you to go into the
party experience just like, because think about it, when,
when you go out, like societally, we are conditioned
to reach, reach for things. You reach for substances, you
reach for alcohol. You get to a party, what's the
first thing you want to do? You go, I don't know what to do
with my hands. I don't know what to do.
I'm gonna go to the bar. You're like, yeah, it's like
that feeling of like, or before you go out, you're like, I feel
anxious. I want to take some shots like
so it's how can you get to a place where you don't have that
anxiety? If you want to drink, fine.
If you want to participate in substances, fine.
I'm not anti any of those things.
I am pro intentionality around all of these things.
And with intentionality comes like connection to self.
So am I doing it because I don't feel safe?
Because I feel uncomfortable, Because I feel awkward, because
I need to loosen up, Because I can't?
And now we're going to loop all the way back to the into.
The scene, OK, I love that. Because if you don't feel safe
within yourself, like, how can you really feel safe to connect
with someone else? Right.
Yeah, right. OK.
I'm like, I see the wheels turning in your head.
Wow, am I am I? I thought, I always thought I
was ready to connect with other people, to be intimate with
other people, but now I have doubts.
I don't know if I'm now that I'm now I'm feeling like I need to
go go to one of your workshops to actually like feel connected
with myself. So what do you, what's your best
advice for you? Just said I would like the the
meditation part. Why do you think I would like
it? Well, I think you would find it
interesting like, because as we've been talking about this,
it feels like that, you know, there is, I'm gonna project a
little bit, but I'm getting the sense from you that there is
like a curiosity and an interest in some like in, you know, all
of these different words. I remember the first time I
heard them, I was like, what is this world like?
I don't know anything about this.
What is embodiment? What is somatic movement?
What is personal development? Like, I don't know.
And you know, the first thing is curiosity.
Yeah, I'm curious. I feel like I I literally just
started partying and you know, this June, so I'm like all very,
I'm very new, but I'm so curious.
I'm so interested. I'm also very interested in
Burning Man. I've never been to Burning Man
and I just learned that you have been like 3 times.
Which camp were you with? So my first two years I was with
a camp called Celestial Bodies and then my last year there I
was with a camp called Naked Heart.
OK, I know a little bit of Burning Man.
I don't know too much. What would you say?
How do you how would you describe the experience of
Burning Man? People always tell me that like
I wish it's my first time going to Burning Man again.
Like Burning Man is one of the most expansive experiences
possible. I say you could travel and I
have, you could travel all around the world.
You could experience, you know, everything the world has to
offer. Going to Burning Man is like
traveling to another planet. So the it's not a music
festival. It is an alternative way of
life. It's almost like an experiment.
So it's based off of these 10 principles.
And the concept is what if society ran like this instead of
the way that our society runs? And so it's 80,000 people in the
middle of the desert. They quite literally create a, a
town. Like, I mean, it's, it's a whole
world and it is art, it's music, it's community, it's, it's just
some of the most brilliant minds you've ever met in your life.
And it's just, it is one of those experiences that it's like
opening up Pandora's boxing. You can't go back.
Is it like in? The best way?
At the best way, is it like the first time?
Can I, can I compare that to the first time taking psychedelics?
Absolutely. OK.
Yes, 100%. I.
You go down the rabbit hole and there's no coming back.
I have one, I have one concern about burning.
Like everything else sounds so fascinating.
I'm so ready for anything. But like the camping part, like
I'm because I, I don't like camping.
I don't like, I don't know, like sleeping in the woods and I
don't know how you know, it's, it's just a little scary to me.
So how like how barbaric I need to be?
Yeah, Yeah, Well, one of one of well, it's a high barrier to
entry, right? It's a high risk, high reward.
It's Burning Man is one of the most expansive, liberating,
beautiful things that exist on this planet, and it is one of
the toughest, most challenging, most confronting environments
humanly possible. It is not for the faint of
heart. It is difficult and you have to
be willing to face that difficulty, but it's also a
mirror to life, right? Like in order to I, I say this
all the time, but I'm like you, you see these people that move
through the world with such a joy and expansion and you know,
like you're like, wow, how is that person so fucking happy?
And the answer is if it's true, right?
There are some people that kind of mask and pretend and if you
really pull back the layers, they're not actually that happy.
But if you are coming across someone that is just genuinely
like experiencing bliss in euphoria, that means that they
also have the capacity to experience the complete
opposite. And they you have to, you can't
reach the light without the darkness.
And I think Burning Man is a wonderful example of that.
Where Burning Man is tough as hell, the terrain, the
environment, getting there is hard.
It's expensive, there's dust storms and it's challenging.
It is the most challenging thing you can, maybe not the most, but
it is one of the most challenging things you can
endure. And the reward on the other side
of it, when you see that sunrise, when you stumble upon
that set, when you see that magical art piece and you're
like, how the literal fuck did they get a 747 in the middle of
the desert? Like what is going on?
Like those moments are just, you worked so hard for them that
they're even more magical. OK, now I'm like, I have to go.
You got to go. You totally sold that on me.
I feel like Burning Man or whatever, like City of Goths
need to pay us for this podcast. We're like. 100% yeah.
It's so good. Yeah, but they're actually good.
Like we're not getting paid. That's how they, that's, that's
why, that's how you know it's actually good because. 100%,
yeah, yeah. OK, I want to open the other tab
about intimacy. We got it.
OK, Could you repeat your your? OK, So what was it?
It was that people are more inclined to wanna have sex than
to actually experience intimacy. Because really, being seen is
terrifying. Why does being intimate
necessarily mean being seen? Well, I'll, I'll kind of come
back to where that theory came from for me is I used to use sex
as a way to experience intimacy because I was like, so craving
connection like this is like, you know, my early 20s, I was
just so desiring like physical touch and connection and to feel
closeness with someone. And at that time, I, the only
way that I could think to achieve that was I was like, all
right, well, if I have sex someone then like I can stay the
night and cuddle and like be close to them.
But it was kind of all a facade because first of all, there was
always like alcohol or drugs or something involved because it
was college and you know, like, that's just how it was.
That's what the hookup culture was at the time.
And it, and I realized like it wasn't actually connected.
It wasn't actually like, you know, there was no actual
intimacy there. Just because you're having sex
doesn't mean that you're connected with that person.
And through the personal development work that I did,
I'll like Fast forward through some of it.
But one of the discoveries that I had was, you know, that
through a series of incidents in my life, like I had become
disconnected and dissociated with myself.
And when I started doing this work, I came back online and
then I went back into dating. And like, you know, I would be
with someone and I would notice like they weren't looking at me
or they were like not present. And then I.
Had this you were having sex. Yeah, well, and then I had this
download where I realized, oh shit, I've never been present
during sex before. Oh, so it's it's.
You, it was me, I and then I started to notice it within
other people and I'm like, wow, like.
What do you mean not present when you're having sex?
How can you not be present when you're having sex?
Like you're thinking about, like, I don't know, like White
Lotus, I don't know. What do you what?
What do you? Mean by like just not like not
actually like, like being with the person that's there, right
like kind of just going through the motions and like not really
making eye contact and like, you know, some people are like, oh,
I feel so awkward making eye contact during sex.
Like I feel so uncomfortable. And it's like because like when
you're looking into someone's eyes, that is one of the most
vulnerable things humanly possible and people avoid it,
right? Like there's, there's a practice
in in certain in like like some of the personal development
circles that I do called eye gazing.
Have you heard of this? Maybe.
So it's literally a practice where you and another person, it
could be something you just met. You sit like, you know, like,
yeah, but like, you sit. Well, we can't do it now with
the cameras. Like you basically like sit
like, you know, straight on and no words, no speaking, nothing
and just eye contact and just like look into each other's
eyes, don't say anything. And you'd be so surprised how
like vulnerable it feels. And sometimes like people like
within a minute will start crying.
Really. Yeah, yeah.
So even like stranger staring at each other like.
Eye gazing. Think about it.
Think about how how long have you just sat there and just
looked into someone's eyes? Not giggling, not laughing, not
saying anything, just just calmly.
And then when you look into someone's eyes, it's like you
can't hide. Like everyone has pain, everyone
has trauma, everyone has stories and experiences and when, and
like, it's like I, I like I was in a workshop once and they, we
did an exercise where they were like, what is we had to answer
the question like what is your biggest fear and what is your
biggest desire? And I like really thought about
it. And I was like, fuck, my
biggest, well, my, my biggest desire is to be seen is to like
be connected. And my biggest fear was to be
seen. Really.
And I was like fuck. That's contradictory.
What do you mean your biggest fear is to?
Like, well, this was, this was years ago.
I've done a lot of work since then.
But in that moment I recognized like that's what it was.
And I was like, shit. Wow.
It feels like to me if from what you just described to me and
like, whether it's your personal experience or your things that
you know about in this community or these kind of practices,
feels to me that you're very connected with yourself.
Like you're very in line with what you you're like, you know,
your inner self that kind of reminds me of like this.
I don't know, this one time I did like a hypnosis.
Yeah, I have. OK, I'll tell my story in EU.
No, no, no. I want to hear yours.
Let's go. Let's go.
Give it to me. This was, I'm still kind of, you
know, paranoid, like skeptical about it 'cause I feel like it
was me, like the person actually came here I think.
And she did like a hypnosis on me.
And I was like, it was like 4 hours in total.
And I think we were first talking and she was like, what
do you want to know? Like what's your questions to
your inner self? And then when you're hypnotized,
I can ask on your behalf to your inner self about these
questions. And I'm like, I don't know.
I feel like the whole time I'm like trying to be, I want to
believe in this and I want to have this to be to work.
So I give her a bunch of questions and then I was
hypnotized. She was like asking me what I'm
seeing. And I think she first it was I
saw like, I don't know, she made me saw like 2 like of my past
lives. And I think one of them is like,
I was like a, like a, like a rich Chinese families like
Princess, like they're, they're like like a royal family's
daughter or something like that. And another one I'm like a
businessman in like the UK in like England.
That's. Cool.
I don't know. It was just so random and I feel
like part of me felt like it was in my head, like I just made
that up with my imagination. But she was like, it was
actually your past life. But anyway, like she was asking
me, oh, why do you want? And then after the past life,
she said, Oh, I'm you're, you're already in the zone.
You're already your inner self is speaking.
And she was asking me all these questions that I prepared for
myself. Like I don't remember the exact
questions, but it's more like, you know, like sometimes I don't
feel that I'm going to succeed. What am I going to do?
And like, you know, insecurities and, and basically my inner self
was like, she's OK, she's fine. She's just thinking about it,
but she knows that it's going to be fine.
So and, and, and then I wake up, I still have memory of these,
like me saying these. It feels like I'm like acting as
my inner self when I'm hypnotized and answering those
questions. But she was like, this is such a
successful session. I've never had like someone.
Yeah. But I don't.
Know is that your experience am I is that.
No, no, that's really cool. I mean, it's, it's interesting
that you use the word like, I don't know if I believe in it
because it's like I, I, I, I was skeptical of hypnosis as well at
the beginning because I was like, I'm not going to like,
you're not going to like put me in a trance or whatever.
But like, really all it is, is it's getting you to a place of
like such calm and like getting your nervous system to a place
where you're just kind of like in that realm of like in between
states that you're more like open and susceptible to being
able to peel back the layers of what's really there under the
surface. So what's your what was your
hypnotize? I did it a few years ago with a
friend of mine. I have a hard time with
visualization like my pineal gland is calcified which pineal
gland a lot already? So much.
Pineal gland is like your third eye.
It's like it's like the the part where you can like see visions,
like if you close your eyes and like can imagine an apple or
like you can see like I close my eyes and I see black.
Like I have a really, really hard time seeing does it?
Happen when you're like on psychedelics.
So it's hard. Last night was actually the
first time in a very long time that I had visuals with eyes
closed. Interesting.
But it took a lot of substance for that to happen.
Like, like, like the most I've ever done in my life.
Well, I'm glad it was worth it and you're OK.
Oh no, it was. Spectacular experience.
Like I'm a massive fan of psychedelics for personal
development. And like, I, I again, similar to
hypnosis when it comes to like something like psilocybin, for
instance, the, the magic within it is that it's ego dissolution.
So like your ego is the, the like the cognitive part of
yourself that tries to like, you know, protect yourself and put
things in boxes. And like when you, when you let
that go and you're able to just like peel back the layers and
just like come back to your true essence and your true self and
like, let go of all the stories of like, projections of what
people have put onto you. And you're just able to be like,
there's so much to discover there.
Yeah. So I'm like, we need like four
more hours. Yes.
Wait, this is. I can't believe we only have
like 10 minutes left. That's crazy.
I know. Time flies.
Whoa, OK, OK, I have a story. This reminds me, let's go.
This is a funny story. OK, I'm trying to bring back the
the comedy part of the podcast. OK, so one time I did it was
actually on Halloween. Alright, I did something that
I've always done, like it wasn't my first time doing it and but I
think I was, I had a empty stomach.
So it it just hit me very hard. I just had a bad trip, and that
day was also the day of like, you know, changing the clock.
So I was like, Oh my God, my mind is racing.
I'm closing my eyes and seeing all these visuals.
I'm like, what? When is it?
Am I gonna be OK? Am I dying?
What? Where am I?
I can't feel my body. Go death, baby.
What is it called? Ego death.
Ego death? Yeah.
What does that mean? Tell me more.
Yeah. No, it's what it's what we were
just talking about. It's like where they like, it's
like this, this part of your like the stories that you
construct about yourself and all these things.
This morning we were doing an integration circle and the the
analogy of like fresh snow. So you know, like when have you
ever been skiing before? Or snowboarding or.
Anything like that? Something like that.
So, so like there's like trails and people have gone down and
like you can keep going down, but when there's a fresh, fresh
snow, you've unlimited options for which direction you can go.
And this is like the rewiring of the neural pathways.
So if you're stuck in a certain way of like I am this or I
believe this about myself or this is, this is how it is.
This is how it always has to be. When you participate in
substances like psychedelics, they have the ability to help
you change your fixed mindsets and open you up to new
possibilities in really cool ways.
That's called. Ego death, well, ego death is,
is like it's death of self or, or the self that you thought
were right. And, and it's a process that
like can happen again and again and again.
Like right now you're like, I identify as this, this, this and
this. And it's like, you can go
through an experience. You're like, whoa, OK, that's
not true. OK, next layer, next layer, next
layer, next layer, next layer. Is ego death is something good
or OK? OK, I'm.
Scary. It is terrifying.
Terrifying. Because it's as human beings
like we are designed to like we we want to hold on to what we
believe is true. So when we are presented with
information that is opposed to our, like, inherent belief
system, that is scary, really scary 'cause you're like, fuck,
I always thought this, I always thought the world was this way.
And then you're like, wait, wait, yeah, that's not true.
And then some people want to reject that.
And that's where people get stuck in like loops and patterns
of not growing or there are people that are like cool.
I'm gonna accept the fact that what I once believed to be true
is not ultimate truth, and I'm open to new possibilities of
what can be. And then that's how you're able
to like expand. And that's where like the magic
happens in my personal. Yeah, no, I I am just literally
experiencing this. I fuck yeah yeah.
This is so new to me, but I'm so excited.
Yeah. But anyway, I, I was like on a
bat trip, but it was like, it was so exciting.
I was just on a bat trip because I was overwhelmed.
It was so scary. And no, it was like, I was like
checking my, my watch. Like when is it?
When is it gonna end? I really need to like stand up
and do do stuff 'cause I'm at a party and I remember like I was
like, oh, I'm gonna, I'm gonna stand up at 2:00 AM.
And then it's like, why is it like I keep?
Checking 2 again, yes. No, I turned back to one 'cause
it was like the daylight saving. Yeah.
I'm. Fucked.
Oh no, this trip is never going to end.
But I'm glad it did and it was a it was a fun experience and I
like my friend was like so worried.
But I I was a little worried then.
And now that I'm thinking about it was such AI.
It's like I'm having a third eye seeing, yeah, I don't know,
piano. Gland was opening Baby Girl.
I would just say like if you're ever in that experience again,
like you're asking for any like tips, the most simple tip that I
could offer you anyone that's like having any sort of
experience, whether it's with psychedelics or it's like you're
at a party and you feel overwhelmed or any like any type
of like stress or anxiety breath come back to your breath
literally like we forget we hold our breath.
We hold like there's tension. If you can just like close your
eyes for a second and just like, and like I always like to come
back to safety because I feel like when I feel anxious, it's
because I don't feel safe. Yes, right.
And so coming back to breath and reminding myself that I'm safe
And even like tactical things like touching, like, you know,
putting pressure on your body. I like, I feel like for me, it's
like here, like right here on my chest.
Like it literally fucking just brings me back and helps me to
center and feel calm and safe within my body.
And then it will allow you to feel like comfortable and then
that loops all the way right back to the intimacy.
If you can come back to that, then now if I feel good, I can
like be here with you versus me being like.
Yes. I could just like be present
within my own body, feel really connected, feel really safe and
that will allow me to open up. It will allow me to connect
deeper with you. It will allow me to connect
deeper with the room, with the experience.
It'll allow me to be more present and like actually enjoy
where I'm at as opposed to like being in my head and like having
racing thoughts and like, Oh my God, like is someone thinking
of, am I acting weird? Do you think I'm like, what do I
do with my hands? Yeah, wait, wait with the last
three minutes, I do want to because you mentioned this
before and I it is something that I struggle with and I do
want some quick advice on this. OK, How do you be sober at a?
Party. Yes, this is it.
This is it. It's it's you can be sober at a
party. I feel awkward.
Right, but why do you feel awkward?
I don't know, I feel self-conscious, like I want to
be dancing, but I'm feeling, I'm feeling my body not like I feel
like I don't have the best dance moves.
I feel like I look awkward and I don't know.
So this is I'm gonna, I'm gonna send you the pregame meditation
after anyone that listens to this podcast.
If you DM me, I can send it to you.
But this is this is the work that I do.
This is what I'm so. Fucking passionate about this is
what I'm asking. But this is it.
But yeah, but this is how you do it.
It's connecting to yourself. It's coming back to a place of
safety so that you can be more present, so that you can feel
comfortable in your own skin, Comfortable dancing, comfortable
connecting. So breath safety.
And that's the secret. I don't know.
I don't know if I can. I'm still now I'm thinking about
me at a party, just like sober, all by myself.
I still feel. Like it's work, it's practice,
it's something that it's not going to happen overnight, but
it's something that you can learn how to do.
And if you follow me. Yes, link down below.
I will give you tips and tricks. This is literally what I'm, this
is what I'm so passionate about and This is why I'm like an
intentional party girl because I want my like mission in life is
to help people learn how to come back to that place of safety
within themselves so that they can experience the joy and the
play and the pleasure of life. And again, not that you like
have to be sober forever, but knowing that you can do it
sober, knowing that you don't need the substances in order to
get to that place will unlock so much for you.
And then again, looping it all the way back to the question at
the beginning, it's feeling connected.
Feeling safe within yourself will then allow you to feel safe
enough to connect with other people, to connect with the
moment, to connect with your environment.
And it's it's work, but it is absolutely possible.
I well, I believe it's possible. How do I practice?
Breath back to your breath. OK, let's let's end the podcast
with with a little bit of breath work.
Could you, could you lead us? Absolutely.
OK, Beautiful. All right, so I invite you to
close down your eyes. I like to put a hand on my heart
and one of my belly just to connect to my body and just take
a nice deep breath in through your nose and out through your
mouth. And as you're breathing in and
out, in through the nose and out through the mouth, I want you to
just notice what is alive in your body right now.
Noticing any sensations, any places that you might be holding
tension or stress. Just noticing those places in
your body. Not judging them, not trying to
change them, just bringing awareness.
And with your inhale, I want you to think of an intention.
So something you want to be filled up with, you want more
of. Maybe that's safety, maybe
that's calm, maybe that's presence.
Whatever it is, imagine as you breathe in through your nose,
you're breathing that sensation in through your whole body, and
on the exhale, you're releasing anything that is not in
alignment with that. So any anxiety, any stress, any
fears, you're literally exhaling that through the breath.
So just a few breaths with those thoughts in mind, inhale with
your intention and let it go. And two more, just like that, in
through the nose and out through the mouth.
Last one in through the nose. And on the last one, feel free
to shake it out, make some noise, get into your body.
Welcome. Wow, how you feel?
I feel better. What?
So. Simple.
That's magical. Thank you.
So. Much for your time, baby girl?
Yes. Yeah, we did it.
I feel so connected with you. Oh.
Fun. Intimate.
Yes. Intimate Wow.
Great.