Whenever I go to my Barber, and when you're gay and you go to
your Barber, they always ask you, They say these, like,
fucked up things, and you have to go along with it so you don't
get clocked as being gay. They're always Russian.
Their name is Vlader Alex. OK.
And they'll always say fucked up shit and they'll say horrible
things about women. Yeah.
And you have to like go along with it so they don't clock.
You like? Well, like what?
What? What's so they always said So
like one time he's like, he said to me, it's like, you know, you
Americans, very stupid. You allow women to vote.
You allow women to vote in my country, we don't have this
problem. Women cannot vote you.
And then I have to be like, yeah, yeah, it's a it's a big
ass problem we got here. You know, we we allowed them to
vote every time they have their period, they're going to vote
the wrong way. Totally know what women are
like. And then they always ask like,
do you have do you have girlfriend?
And then and again, I have to divert.
And what you don't know is that I'm a Jedi knight master at
avoiding that question. So, so, so I'll be like, So what
about them Yankees? So Charles, what's keeping you
up tonight? Just that gay people deserve the
right to be famous. Wait, wait, everybody who's gay
deserve to be famous A. 100% I, especially me more so than.
Everyone else, I agree. I agree.
I 100% agree with this. Now I feel like if you, if you
say that, then people are gonna, more people are gonna pretend
they're gay, more people are gonna beat queer fishing, you
know? Well, that's OK with me.
We got to expand. We got to expand and do what we
got to do to make more queer people.
Yeah, that's true. Yeah, we're we're taking over
the world anyway, so it doesn't really matter.
Yeah, we we might as well convert the the ones that are
already deep in the closet, yeah.
And Speaking of which, by the way, being queer myself, this is
the first time I've been in bed with a woman ever, I think.
Oh my God, really? Yeah, yeah.
Wow. I'm so honored.
Normally I'd put up like a barrier and be like women, you
over there and me over here, but yeah.
Yeah, normally we don't. We were not under the same cover
normally. Yeah, really.
Not even like a sleepover. Well, you know, well, women have
cooties and I cooties. It's you've never heard of
cooties. Cooties.
Oh, man. Like maybe, maybe.
Well, cooties is like a thing kids say.
Like the girls have cooties. You've never heard this before?
It's like a pretend like a like a like I'm if I hang out with
girls, I'm gonna get this disease called cooties.
Really. You've never heard of?
I've never heard of that. Yeah, maybe.
Maybe it's just like a American thing that you've never heard.
Of wait. So if you hang out with girls,
you're gonna get a disease called cooties.
Yes, yes, yes. I want to get cooties.
I feel like that's not a good thing.
Like if you want to, if you want to keep your kids to be, if you
want more straight people, you shouldn't say that.
If you hang out with girls, you're going to get.
True dot true dot true dot. What was the wait?
So what was the like context you were like?
You were told to not hang out with girls?
Wow. Yeah, that's a.
Misogyny. I can't.
No, I'm totally kidding. I'm dead.
No one ever told me don't hang out with girls.
It's just, you know, being gay. I think that, yeah, it kind of
is what it is. Yeah, I know.
I agree. I feel like what?
But what if you're gay and you don't want to be famous?
You know, there are people who want to be have like a little
private life. Then we come straight.
Okay, that's the hot tick. Yes, which whoever gay but don't
wanna be famous are actually straight.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, exactly. Like, deeply in the closet.
They're like uncloseted. Yeah, heterosexual.
I actually saw this meme the other day where it was like, is
it just me or does every gay man think that he's a unfound
superstar? And I think it's, you know,
true. Literally everybody I know
thinks they should be famous. But there shouldn't like you
don't have, you know, not there not everybody can be famous,
right? So if.
But Rachel, you is famous, so we don't we don't need.
I could be. I could be gay.
Yeah, yeah. What do it do it?
How do you know I'm not? It's the new trend on TikTok.
You have to just become gay today.
You're cameraman can become gay today as well.
He's like, no, no, thank you. Yeah.
Okay, so okay, this this happened in the first episode of
the podcast. I also had a gay men on my
podcast and this was something that I thought about for a long
time. And I want to also confirm with
you about that. So you said you've never been in
the bed with the girl. So that means you've been you've
never dated a girl. No, I'm platinum star gay.
Do you? Know what that is?
No, so Gold Star is when you've never hooked up with a with a
girl and but you were born through vaginal birth.
And then there's C sections. You literally never touched a
vagina so I'm platinum *. You're C-section?
Yeah. Wow.
OK. I thought you were gonna say
like, like you were like in a 2, like your Ivy.
I guess you still have to have like a vagina like like a uterus
to. True that.
Yeah, yeah. Wow.
OK, that's that's actually, that actually brings up what I was
gonna say. Like if you're a gay guy, you've
never dated a woman, You've never seen vagina.
No, you've never seen a vagina. No, not in.
Well, I had a friend who was just like, show me.
I had like, literally she was she she's basically like a man.
So she's just like, here's my vagina.
Oh, OK. And I was like, go away.
Get away from me. I'm scared.
Yeah. Wait, so, OK, so you've seen it.
I have like for like a split SEC and then I closed my eyes and I
cried. Yeah, I'm in therapy still about
it. Well, I guess then that my
theory doesn't work with you. That's OK.
OK cuz I was thinking if you're a Gold Star lesbian you'll still
see or a platinum lesbian. I guess you still see like penis
on this. Somewhere, yeah, you can't
really have a platinum star lesbian because.
Oh right, right cuz they have wait.
What? Because they're still going with
the vagina? So they couldn't have been, cuz
they don't. They still like women, right?
Right. Well, therefore, with gay men,
we have the Platinum star because we don't have to even
ever touch a vagina. Wow, so gay men once again took
over. Yes, yeah, yes, just like we do
everything else. If it's a lesbian then it should
be like peanuts instead of vagina, right?
So the lesbian is. Born.
Well, you can't pass out your daddy's penis.
So therefore, yeah, there's no option for that.
Although it's 2025, we'll find a way to make that happen.
Yeah. Yeah.
Soon men can give birth to probably.
Right, are you okay? Can I ask this?
Yes. Are you like planning to have
kids? Yes, one day I would like to
have them. I'm not currently in the plans
to have one, but I do want to have them, yes, OK.
I I would probably do a surrogate and then maybe like
adopt like one or two. OK, like one from a surrogate
mother and one and the other one is from adopted?
Yeah. I mean, the only thing I fear
with that is like, if you have one adopted kid and then the
other one is biological, will that kid feel a certain way?
But I just think that, you know, family is not determined by
blood. I think that family is.
I mean, there's people I cousins I have that are adopted that I
love more than my biological family.
So yeah. And I don't see it like that.
So like, but I just, that's my only thought process is like
down the line, will they feel unwanted or or not unwanted but
not part of the family if they're yeah, you know, not
biological. But I do want to have adopted
and I want to have. You want to have a.
Surrogate. Yeah.
You're greedy. I am selfish, yeah.
But maybe you can ask your cousin if they're they feel left
out sometimes. But.
Wait so if you're OK I'm so ignorant on this.
If you're having a surrogate, do you use like one of your like so
you can? Choose so you can choose.
So this is actually a very interesting thing.
I have two friends who did it and they basically conceived
these two children. The lady like basically donated
her eggs and then a second woman gave birth to that child.
So they they basically took the fertilized eggs, put it into a
different woman and she gave birth to a child that was not
biologically hers, which is insane that they can do this.
But then on top of that. So they had two kids through a
surrogate and then right after they had the surrogate, like
maybe five years after they had a third child and I reached out
and I was like, OK, so who's this?
Who's so they, they, you still have to like pick like one guy
will have one child, one will have the other.
But the, so they give the first lady, I'm sorry, during the
first one, the lady gave birth to twins, but one is
biologically his, one is biologically the other one.
That's possible. So they're half blood related
twins. Yes, which is?
Insane. So then.
But then, well, it makes sense because you can have fraternal
twins that are not right biological.
Well, they are biologically related, but they can be two
separate. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, completely different. But then a few years later, five
years later, they had a third child.
And I said I was like, OK, so who's Yeah, was it?
And they said we didn't need to know.
We've just picked whichever 1 was healthiest from the original
embryos. And I was so confused.
And then I found out that they conceived the child at the time
that they conceived the 1st 2:00, but they didn't put it
into the woman yet to give birth to.
They could actually freeze them and then unfreeze them.
And the lady gave birth to a child that was conceived five
years prior. So this child was conceived at
the time that they fertilized the first two eggs that led to
the twins, and then the third child was actually there, was
conceived at the time the twins were, but was never developed
into a full baby. Okay, science is fucking crazy.
I guess technically they're the same age.
Technically, yes. Yeah, in terms of actually being
developed in Born. They're right.
They're not the same age, right? Because like before you're born,
you're not a baby. It's not a baby.
So they were conceived at the same time, but given birth five
years apart. Yeah.
And then I actually went online because I was so confused.
And I read an article about how some lady gave birth to
technically her aunt that was conceived like 20 years prior
but was like frozen. She gave birth to her aunt.
Yeah, it was like her mother's like, not her.
No, her grandmother's, you have to look into it, but it was
something insane. But it was like 20 years later,
so it was like frozen that long. Okay, I feel like I said even
like I don't know, I feel like there's a lot of ethical
problems with that. I don't know if it's it Is it
ethical to conceive your Aunt I? Don't know.
Yeah. Kind of weird, right?
Yeah. I feel like with science, we're
doing all sorts of things that we never could have done before.
Right, right. But I'm glad science could give
you an option to have like a biological child.
But it's crazy that they, like the two kids are related and
they're from yeah, the the twins.
That's crazy because if they if they didn't they weren't
conceived at the same time, they have like 2 separate babies then
they wouldn't be related yes would they?
Well, kind of. They would be like half
siblings. Yes, half.
Wow.
Which is so interesting that they could.
Even do this OK cuz I yeah. Yeah, My plan is to do something
like that, but it's very expensive.
They want like I heard from somebody who was like in the
100,000 range. 100,000 Range yeah 100,000 or multiple
100,000. Like 100,000 range like like or
like not like 203 hundred just like in the 100,110 and 1:20.
Somewhere for one, baby for one. Wow.
Yeah, so I gotta get rich before then.
Yeah, I believe that's. Why?
You're on your show, Yeah. That's why.
So I could become famous and rich.
Yes. This is an ad for my Go Fund me
for my child that I have not had yet.
Yeah, yes. Yeah, we're gonna get there.
Yes, before we knew it. Wait, so I think I have a friend
who's like or like older Chinese woman, she like flew into New
York to have her embryo, her eggs frozen in New York because
the technology in China is not good enough really or more
expensive or less accessible. And she I think she's like 3839
and she really want a baby, but she doesn't have a partner or
want a partner. And I think she, yeah, she was
like telling me like all these showing me all these sperm
donors that she picked. It was kind of crazy.
Like there's like a nine pictures of baby child, baby
boys, because they show you the pictures of them when they're a
baby. So then you know how your kid
will look like when they're young.
I see. So it's kind of it's kind of
weird seeing, oh, this is the baby that she has the sperm for.
I see. But she was like, oh, guess
which sperm did I choose which one?
So we both picked, Yeah. They have like a catalog, yes,
of like different eggs or sperms you can pick Yeah.
And when I the shit we can do these days is outrageous.
Like, it's unreal how much we can do with science.
And like, before you know it, you'll be able to have a child
between two men and like, between two women.
I mean, it's going that direction.
OK this is my conspiracy theory. I feel like they already have
that technology, they just don't want to release it probably.
Yeah. So that we don't keep populating
even further. Yes, Yeah.
So then, yeah, more people. They want to prevent gay people
from happening. Yeah, I know, I know.
That's true. No more gay babies.
Yeah, well, like we gave them gay marriage and now they're
popping out gay babies everywhere.
I fucking knew it. I knew this would happen.
I don't know if they're, well, the babies right now, they're
not necessarily gay babies. Yeah, yeah.
And and gay marriages are like getting banned at some places I
heard. Gay marriage, Yeah, like, well,
I think they. So they tried to, from what I
understand under the newer, yes, they tried to, but it didn't
work out. Yeah, the Supreme Court ruled
that it was not. That's good.
Kosher. Not kosher.
Yeah, which is good, which is good that we got there.
Yeah, wow. Wait, let's go back to your
original take. What was the take again?
Which is that, being gay, should I should have the right to be
famous? Right, right.
But what I mean, what about straight people?
Straight people? Some straight people want to be
gay, but some straight people want to be famous too.
True. Yeah, well.
Straight lives matter. Too straight.
Straight lives matter. Yeah.
Well, yeah. How do we solve that problem?
We're just gonna. Keep, yeah.
Yeah, you can't be famous unless you're gay.
Yeah, no, no, I'm kidding. No kidding.
Yeah, there's plenty of straight famous people that are awesome
as well. But I guess just for me, being a
comic and everything, I. Do agree like you bring a you
know. But if there's only sometimes, I
am entertained by a straight white male comic.
Yeah, that's true. I guess for me it's like the
industry has always been dominated by straight couples.
Like straight stuff, straight shows, whatever.
Like all of the home classics, it's all straights.
So I was just saying it in the sense that like, you know, it's
now like we should have more and and it's happening that way like
we're getting. More and more I'm getting a
little jealous. Yeah, Yeah.
I feel like I it's not a good time to be straight, no.
No, no, that really sucks. Right.
No, I'm not straight. No, I'm not.
You're not straight. No, I don't think I'm straight.
I'm not completely straight. You want to be famous just
that's what this is. Yeah, she's she's a liar and a
fraud and a scam. Not getting she's she's, I had
to look into the camera while I said that made it feel more
official. I thought you would.
You're gonna say you have to look into my like, dating
history. To know to actually.
Know if I'm gay or not? What about by people?
Can you can by people be famous? Only half of you.
Only half famous. Only half.
Half. Famous.
OK, Yeah. Yeah, so instead of being on
like, you know, CNN, we'll put you on like, Newsday, like local
networks. Well, I could.
I could deal with that. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I can eat a few pussies for Newsday.
There we go. So.
So you, you are a comic as well? Yeah.
And how long have you been doing comedy for?
I don't know. The first time I did it was in
2022, but like that was A and then I stopped doing it until
like this January. So I don't know how you count
that. Two years.
I say 2 years because I don't know how to count it.
What about you? So it's been seven months that
I've been doing comedy, doing great.
Yeah. I mean, it's been a wild Rd.
just you know, I've now I did my first show.
It was for 300 people. I did. 12 minutes.
First show I did one of those classes, but everybody was like
a heavy bringer. Bringer, by the way, in the
comedy world means that like you have to bring a certain amount
of people to perform. But yeah, they suck.
But we brought in 270 people between everybody.
That's crazy. It was unreal.
They were people had to wait in like the lobby because they ran
out of seats even though they had a ticket.
Where was. That governors out in Levittown,
it's like a, the main room is like 300 people.
But anyway, Newsday was in the audience and I brought the local
network. But don't worry, we're making
our way. I'm not bi but we're making.
Be. OK, yeah.
She's like, I'll do whatever it takes.
Me too. Me too.
I'll eat a vagina if it means that I can become famous.
But but yeah, no. So I did my first show for 300
people. Newsday was in the audience.
They picked me up. They put me in the newspaper.
So they had like a huge spread with my face on it.
Yeah, it was amazing. Well, not quite then.
Then I had ATV interview with ABC News anchor Ken Rosato on
local network though on and J I've now done 25 shows.
My Facebook following is almost at 10,000 now.
I've had. I just won the residency at
Broadway Comedy Club and Greenwich, which is why you saw
me there. Yeah.
They keeping me on for the shows
every Wednesday and big announcement.
They actually just gave me my own show that will be February
15th. Oh my God.
Yeah, thank you. Yeah, it'll be named after me
and everything. Oh, my Charles comedy.
Well, can you, I'm thinking Charlie's comedy, Comedy Angels
or kind of sounds too long though.
And kind of I, I want people know it's me though.
Like that's why I'm like, maybe it's Charles Hapel somehow The
Charles Hapel show. I, I have no idea.
I have to come up with a really good name.
You have some, you have some time.
But I wanted to be like very production.
I'm looking to, like, have it be a, like, each comic has an intro
video because like, I feel like so many times in comedy, they
come up and you're like, you don't know them through a hole
in the roll. And then the person will come up
being like, they're all over the city and you're like, this is
their first show. Like when I went up for the
first few times, they said things like that.
Like they'd be like, he's known all over the place.
I'm like, dude, this is my second show.
Like, he performs everywhere. Yeah, Yeah, I perform at my
house for my 2 cats everywhere but yeah.
I know. So I I wanna do like an intro
video for each comic. I wanna have light show like
light like so when they come up, there's lights going off.
I'm gonna have music for each comic going up yes, and so I'm
planning it to be more of like a production as well as a comedy
show. Wow.
I'm so so I wanna like, change how comedy is done.
You should. You should.
That's why you should be famous. Look at you.
You're already. Doing it, thank you.
Next week I'm performing Mohegan Sun casino.
Where's that? Connecticut.
So wait, wait. I know that.
Place It's the second largest
casino in the country, performing there next week on
Thursday. Good.
Luck. So it's going really well.
Yes, yeah. So one day this interview will
mean a lot to Rachel you because she'll she'll knew him then.
Yes, I will be so. Honored to have famous.
I won't know you anymore. No kidding.
I won't. I will still rave about Rachel.
Yes, The first one to see me for.
Yeah. If you're a gay.
Famous guy deserved it. Maybe I can be your opener or
something if. You.
Hell yeah. Hell yeah.
Well, I actually, I'm gonna need comics.
So. Right.
And by the way, Rachel's very funny.
I saw her, but she is hilarious. Thank you so much.
Yes. That's very like very nice of
you to give me a shout out because it's very like usually
it's like the podcast about the other person and I don't really
get credits, but. Yeah, yes, yes, no.
She's awesome and, and, and also very kind and awesome, yeah.
You too. Thank you, thank you.
I well, I would definitely, I would love to see your show, but
I think February 15th, I'll be in China.
So can I teach you some words so that you can use it in China?
Yeah. Yeah.
Cuz you don't. Cuz you don't.
Cuz you don't speak Mandarin. I do.
I'm getting. You do.
I only know bad words. What is it?
So when I when I when I lived down in Florida for a little
bit, I had a friend, Winnie, and she taught me like she would
say, can you teach me English and I'll teach you Mandarin.
So. So she would ask me like how to
say like spatula or how to say this.
So I would teach her. And then she would be like, tell
me what words you want to know. Yeah.
Milo, it's a curse on this podcast.
Yes. OK.
She's like, hell yeah.
Curse away. So.
If it's in Chinese, Spotify doesn't care or Instagram
doesn't. Perfect OK so I asked them to
say how do I say like bitch or like really bad word and she
told me be outsa. Yes, yes, hell.
Yeah, yeah, I know. Bandan, Bandan.
Bandan. Yeah, Bandan, I know Tony mother
or I heard this Zoni mother. Tony, Mother.
Zoni mother. Yeah, so and then I also know
Shenzhen bin. Oh wow, you're pretty good.
I really sing in Chinese. Really.
You're ready to fight a Chinese bitch.
Yeah, wait till I go on stage one day and I'm gonna go to
China. Yeah.
And I'm gonna be like Cho Baguai, be out soon.
Shenzhen bin Choni Malik. Oh.
My God, you're so glad I did not know you know Mandarin like
that? Yeah.
You don't know any other words. I know you means fish.
Oh, that's also my last name. Oh yeah?
So your last name's Fish? It's a different character, but
it sounds the same. Oh wow, OK, but is that your
actual like? Is that what your name is
supposed to mean? Like fish?
It doesn't really have a meaning.
It's like. She's serving fish, I thought.
You could say I'm a fish. Yeah, yes.
Yes, and it's like it sounds like a fish, like you sounds
like you. Yes, yes, yes.
Hence the podcast. Oh yeah, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Clever name too, by the way. Thank you.
This is actually from my I'll give a shout out to Jonesy from
Fury City because he gave me this name for for my open mic.
And then I I just took this name to for my podcast you up.
You up? Yes, I love it though.
Right. It's like short.
I know, and especially because, like, we're in bed.
Yes. It's so relaxing.
Like I did a podcast, a different podcast interview with
Jennifer Snortland. She's awesome.
But it was in like a professional studio.
There was like a producer behind a window.
And when I first got there, I thought it was going to be
something like fairly casual. And then when I saw this like
guy behind a window and all this stuff, I was like, OK, what did
I get myself into? Yeah, But it ended up being fun,
you know, But like, and I did a, you know, it's like, it was
still like I answered all her questions and she did a really
good job, like transitioning back and forth.
But anyway, I was this is much more comfortable because it's
like because it's like in a bed. I'm chill.
I have my my nightmare before. Christmas wait, show people?
Yes, please, please, please. So me and my boyfriend actually
have matching ones. It's OK, we can have the this.
Yeah, this just, I'll just go like this.
So but me and my boyfriend have matching ones that we got around
Halloween time and I love Nightmare before Christmas.
So yeah, cuz we gay like that. We've got magic PJS.
Did you dress up? Maybe I'm a lesbian then at that
point. Magic PJS.
That's a very lesbian esque. Are you lesbian?
Maybe you are. What else?
That. I have 4 lesbian ants.
You have what? Four lesbian ants.
What does that mean? Like what I said four I have 4
ants that. Are four ants.
Oh wow, like. AUNTS.
OK, OK. I almost an ANTSI have I have an
aunt collection and four of them are lesbians.
No, but I have I you know, some people are raised by wolves.
I was raised by lesbians and I have, you know, they.
Don't tell you how pussy, how good pussies are.
That would be really awkward if my aunt said do you, do you want
to know how great pussy is? I would be like, no, they're
evil. They spit acid, they teeth, they
bite people. You know what I'm talking about.
Yeah. He's like, no, I don't mind.
Don't have teeth and they're normal.
But yeah. So, yeah, yeah.
We were talking about before this.
I was. I was you're.
Talking about how handsome I am. No, I'm getting.
Yes, I was. Yes, big shout out, very
handsome. That's why.
That's why you can be famous. Yeah, she's like, that's why I
brought you on my show. If you were ugly now, you would
not have been allowed. No.
And you're beautiful too, by the way.
Thank you. I don't think I have ugly people
ever on my podcast. I saw a few.
No I'm kidding, they're so ugly now.
OK, like. No, I, I try to like everybody.
I think you know the setting and lighting.
I think it makes everybody look good, so.
Oh yeah, it. Makes me happy too to see
people. Look good?
Yes, Yes. Yeah, this podcast, this is a
little intimate because this is literally in my bed, so I know
it's a little bit casual, but. Do you like sleep?
Like with the cameras like. No, I.
I actually I bro like are you up?
I was thinking maybe I should, maybe I should, but no.
This is like kind of like a before I started doing this
podcast, I was a little worried that it will look too much like
an Only fans studio. Literally, I was about to be
like, you can have like there's probably like sleep porn, like
you just watch some girls sleep. I can see that.
Sleep Porn. People there's such weird ass
shit out there. Like people literally I was on
grinder once and I shit you not this guy messages me.
OK Are you ready for this? Yes, I'm ready.
This is why my friend was always like, why aren't you over your
ex? I'm like well let me just read
some of my most recent grinder options to you and I shit you
not the guy goes. I would love for you to bring me
an old pair of shoes and make me earn them.
What do you mean earn? Them so like he wanted me to
bring an old pair of shoes and make him earn those shoes.
I well, I get it. I know people are into feet.
Yeah, but people are into shoes. Yeah, and he wanted them old, so
I guess. That's like, really?
Yeah, that's why I'm saying like there's someone out there to
watch you sleep, OK? They monetize on that.
Yeah, there's someone. And that's the best part about
the Internet. You put something on there and
people can find you. People are gonna find it, you
know what I mean? So get get a pair of old shoes.
That's the moral of this. Story yeah like this video if
you if you really if you want to see like a live stream of me
sleeping I just I just wait what did I do what is.
This we will be back after this commercial break.
It's okay, Yeah, OK, I fixed it. I think I.
Fixed it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Thank you. OK, yeah, I just for those of
you who are listening, I just broke her mic like mid
interview, but OK. They can probably hear it from
the mic, but it's OK. Yeah, that's very lesbian of you
to like, just fix that. I know, Did that turn you on?
And she was like oh he fixed something.
Wait, hold on, let me put up my man voice.
Did that turn you on bro? Oh my God, this is crazy.
Wait, can you do more? Do do a little bit more of them?
Can we can we pretend we're on a broadcast?
Yeah, yeah, bro, yo, bro, bro, you fucked me, bro.
You fucking hanging out, you'll be banging the shit tits and
pussy right now, bro. Yeah, I fucking love women.
Women's my shit, man. You know, I love tits.
I love pussy. You know, whenever I see women,
I just like, I'm just so like, happy.
Really. Yeah.
Women make you happy. Like how they smell?
No, no. Women.
Women are the worst. Yeah, worst.
Man, women, women. They they're so loud.
What are you gay bro? No, no, no, I'm not gay bro.
What are? You trying to become famous bro?
I'm not. Is that what this is?
Bro not gay bro I really need to.
No bro we need to talk about like crypto, not women.
Women are women are objects. You know what, when you put it
that way, you're right, right, You're right, You're right.
It's so funny because I whenever I go to my Barber and when
you're gay and you go to your Barber, they always ask you,
They say these like fucked up things and you have to go along
with it so you don't get clocked as being gay.
And they'll say things like what you're saying about women and
they're always Russian. You ever notice that they're
always Russian? No, I don't their name.
Can you confirm? All the barbers around the city
are named Russian? Are Russian in name Alex or
Vlad? Sorry, the barbers in New York
City name that are Russian. I think he goes to Chinese
barbers. OK, OK.
Well, for the rest of us, they don't have that option.
They're always Russian. Their name is Vlader Alex.
OK. And they'll always say fucked up
shit and they'll say horrible things about women.
Yeah. And you have to like go along
with it so they don't clock you. Like, well, like what?
What? What's so they always said so
like one time he's like, he said to me, he's like, you know, you
Americans, very stupid. You allow women to vote.
You allow women to vote in my country, we don't have this
problem. Women cannot vote.
And then I have to be like, yeah, yeah, it's it's a big ass
problem we got here. You know, we allowed them to
vote. Every time they have their
period, they're gonna vote the wrong way.
Totally know what women are like.
Women are unstable bro. Right.
And then they always ask like, do you have do you have
girlfriend? And then and again, I have to
divert. And what you don't know is that
I'm a Jedi Knight master at avoiding that question.
What do you say? So so I'll be like, So what
about them Yankees or, or. And then he'll be like, no, do
you have girlfriend in life? And I'll be like, so when's the
Super Bowl again? Yeah, I totally know because I
watched that stuff, not just the halftime show with Jennifer
Lopez and and Shakira. I watched the whole thing whole
start to finish the whole thing. Yeah, what if they ask you
follow up question, like who played in the Super Bowl this
year? I just will say, I'll just say
Simone Biles, yes, yeah, Simone Biles played in it.
I want that Simone Biles. But yeah, yeah.
But anyway. Good.
Yeah. You don't even.
You don't wanna lie to them. You can lie to them.
Lie a little bit. Lie.
Lie like I've got a. Girlfriend.
Yeah, I got Yeah, I have girlfriend.
Her name, Beautiful. Her name is Fedlana.
Fedlana, Yeah. Yeah.
Like Russian woman, I don't know too much about Russian women,
but I think they. Should I also?
OK so this is like crazy cuz I'm like I also learned a little bit
of Russian in school. Yeah, well, tell it to the
audience. I wouldn't be able to tell if
you're. Saying OK, it's the raspuche O
Chimpriana pas lo comisa cactila karasho.
I know how to show. What does that mean?
It means good, yes. Niploka means not bad, Poka
means bad. What did you just say?
Like all like all these. Hello.
How are you? You're a be out now.
I'm kidding. You can go to Ani Mato.
No, I'm kidding. April Fool's.
Maybe teach me something that's like, I don't know how to how to
curse in America. How to curse in America?
How to curse in America in a How to curse as How do you curse as
a gay man? What's your most used curse
word? Well, we all know a gay man's
favorite curse word. Is.
I have no idea what is it. It's the C word.
Oh yeah, everything is kunti, kunti, kunti.
It's. But it's not.
It sounds really a curse word. It's not, well it.
Is it is. Yeah, it is.
I heard in Australia it's actually an A word of
endearment. Oh yeah, cuz I heard I my friend
like like worked in like a restaurant and they were like
like did something for somebody and they were like they were
like thank you cunt. Thank you cunt.
Like she was happy holidays and she was like happy holidays
cunt. That would be great.
Yeah, yeah. It's you're, you're a thank you
so much con. Your mom is a big cunt and your
grandma's much a better cunt. Yeah, like.
Your grandmother's the kind, yeah.
So you send my holiday wishes to your grandmother, who's a very
big cunt? Yeah, I kind of like that.
Yeah, yeah, Yep, Yep. I feel like we're just two
comedians sitting in bed. I, yeah, I actually just learned
a word, cunt I did not know about.
Like, I feel like cunt. It's not like a word that people
use in like movies, which is where I learned a lot of the
English. And you know, in movies they say
like shit, fuck yeah. And like, maybe bitch, yeah.
But they never say yeah. They never say I feel they don't
really say whore or cunt. So I had to learn like, I
remember I was in like, London. That was a lesson on cunt.
Well you know, as a gay man I can teach you a lesson on cunt.
Wait. What?
So cunt is vagina right? So is the joke.
Wait, what? Can say the joke again.
I said as a gay man I can very clearly teach you about cunt.
When I hear the word cunt in my head is not vagina, it's a very
stinky vagina. I.
Don't know why, it's like a fishy.
Vagina. Fishy vagina.
See, this proves more and more why we have to stay away from
vaginas. Okay, the fact they could be
stinky. What the fuck?
I know, I know. Penises don't get stinky.
OK, theoretically they do, right?
Yeah. You ever hear it from under
cheese? What is that?
It means like. Oh, I don't even want to think
about it. Yeah, take a guess.
Take a guess so they can be smelly.
I'm thankfully I'm not smelly. This podcast is crazy, by the
way. Hey, people at home are going to
be like, what the fuck am I watching?
They went from like, learning Mandarin to learning Russian to
being straight guys to talking about from under cheese and
smelly vaginas to like my comedy career.
I'm sorry this is how you are starting out.
Yes, yes, yes. But you know what though?
I couldn't have picked a better place to be, right?
That was the famous Rachel Hugh. We're both gonna be famous.
In no time. Yeah.
Hell yeah. Whichever one of us makes it
first, we have to make a blood pact.
I want it to be like Harry Potter.
Like I want. You'll be the wand guy, OK.
The cameraman will do the wand. Yeah.
And we'll we'll shake hands and yes, we'll do the unbreakable
curse. OK.
What we? Do OK Unbreakable curse.
OK, so if if I become famous first you, I will make you
famous. OK, if I become famous first,
I'll make you famous too. Exactly.
Yes, deal. You heard it right here, right
here on on on Rachel, you show yes, on you up podcast and it's
gonna be you famous. You, yeah, you are gonna be
famous, yes. Yes.
Why you, by the way? Yeah, you famous.
OK, OK, OK. Clearly we we're both very
uncomfortable with that handshake.
Yeah, that's OK. No, I'm you were.
I wasn't. I could have kept going.
I don't know. I would have held your hand
forever. I don't know, I feel like my
hand is like, it's like uncomfortably, you know, I
don't, I've never, I feel, I feel like I'm violating you by
holding your hand because you've never you're not now not only in
a bed with a woman, but also holding hand with a woman.
So I feel like it's. Well, let me tell you something.
If I could pick any woman to be in bed with first, obviously
it's the famous Rachel You. Oh my God.
OK, I promise my pussy's not stinky.
I can promise you I don't have from under cheese.
Perfect. That's why we're here together.
That's why we're in the same bed we chose.
Each other. Yeah, Yeah.
Oh yeah, if you OK if you have to eat a pussy to be famous,
would you do it? Like if you if you like.
I don't know SNL cast members. Here for how long?
20 until she comes. Women come.
No, I'm kidding. I didn't know you guys had the
right to. No, I'm kidding.
Like April Fools. Gotcha.
But women. But no, I Yes, yes, 100%.
Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Especially if it was Christina Aguilera.
Oh. Like a sex scandal.
Like Charles Happel the gay guy, Like 8 the vagina.
Christina Aguilera. Yeah, and she came so hard.
So hot and like, just so talented.
She is very hard. No, sorry, she's hard.
Yeah, she's got a rock hard Dick.
Yeah, yeah, I'll suck her off. Yeah, sorry.
I might get home. My boyfriend.
Wait, you said you were before coming to the podcast, you
mentioned that you're in a monogamous relationship.
Yes. And you said it's hard for gay
people to be in a monogamous relationship.
Yes. How is that?
So I feel like there's a lot of societal issues that led to a
lot of gay men having like a Peter Pan syndrome type thing
where they have a hard time growing beyond the scene of
partying, sex, drugs, that sort of stuff.
Rachel's like, I love partying, sex and drugs.
What do you mean? What are you talking about?
Yeah. But it's, it's gotten to a point
where, like, you know, most of these guys don't want to settle
down. Like they'll meet guys who are
like amazing, like hot doctors and great jobs and I sing good
to them and they'll be like, but he didn't hold the door open for
me that day. So they they find reasons not to
settle down. OK.
And it's because a lot of them, I feel like, deal with a lot of
internal issues of being gay society critic, being critical
of you. I do feel a lot of times like
because I had lesbian ants growing up.
It was almost like, you know, my parents were divorced and so I
would see my aunts and they were always happy and loving to each
other. And but then, you know, my
straight parents, you know, didn't get along.
So for me, it was like being gay meant happy and together and
being straight meant miserable and sad.
And then when I got into the gay world, I realized being a gay
boy and being a gay girl are not the same thing.
Yeah. And so a lot of them are very
hung up on this culture that doesn't make them happy,
although they think it does. Yeah.
They're very much so like that instant gratification type
thing. And so a lot of them don't want
to go into these relationships because they, I don't want to
give up that lifestyle. But I've always maintained my
beliefs that I wanted to be in something serious and committed
and in a real relationship. And, you know, it's been a
while, but like, I feel like for a while I almost like kind of
lost my confidence in myself about, about, yeah, we're
getting real deep now. But I lost my confidence in
myself in a lot of ways because of being, you know, trying to
date in these different scenes. And then, you know, finding
comedy like really kind of boosts my confidence a lot, just
like with how successful it's been such a.
Short amount of. Time I feel like I kind of
refound my value and I was like, I feel like this year I'm going
to meet somebody that I'm meant to be with and then like within
like a few weeks, the guy I'm with shows up.
Wow. And so it was like almost like I
manifested that shit. Yeah, you manifested everything.
Yeah, and hopefully I'm manifesting that I'll become
famous. Yeah, it's good.
Yes, yes, yes. But, but I know, I feel like I'm
very happy now in a lot of ways. I mean, he drives me crazy
sometimes, but outside of that? How long have you been together?
OK, maybe I really did learn to be a lesbian but it's been like
5 months now. But you're.
So committed, Yeah. And he kind of is moving in with
me. Look, you know what, now that
I'm becoming famous, I get to make stupid decisions.
But this is a smart one because I know, look, I've been out long
enough to know when I found a good one.
And so I feel like this time I know, you know, it's like
throughout my life, I've met, not had sex with, but met
thousands of men, right? Because you're, I've been out
since I was 14. I'm now, is that my age?
OK, Can we censor that age out, by the way?
Censor it out, bleed it, bleed it, bleep it, bleep it.
But, you know, having been out that long, you know, you meet
tons of people going out to bars, whatever.
And so I feel like I now know, like I found a good one for that
reason, you know, 'cause you know, you go out.
Yeah, you've seen too much. You've seen.
Yeah, it's a numbers game. It is it is and so, but I think
I might start dating Rachel you instead.
Oh my God, I converted you. Yeah, this is the.
Gay conversion therapy section. Yeah, it works.
It works. Well, yeah, everybody call me
up. Whoever you want, your cousin,
your husband, whoever's cheating on you with the with the man.
Come, come to my podcast. OK, OK.
She's like whoever cheating. That's like a dark twist, but
yeah. Yeah.
No, I'm happy for you all the timing seems to like work out
very well and. Especially now that I kind of
need it, like with how successful comedy has been, you
know, like having somebody who's there, you know, when I'm so
busy because like a lot of times, like, you know, I
couldn't see my friends, you know, I would at one point I was
doing 3 or 4 shows a week. And you don't realize until you
start doing these things like you can't have a bad day
anymore. You have to always be happy.
And you know, with my anxiety, like sometimes it just, it's a
little much, you know, but like having somebody who's always
there is very beneficial, you know, on top of finding somebody
who really works for you, you know, So it's been very good and
I kind of need that right now. So sounds great.
Yeah, sounds like you have a wife.
I do. I do.
Yeah, maybe you are. And he doesn't have a smelly
vagina, thankfully. Wow.
Yeah. I'm jealous.
She's like, it's OK, my wife has a smelly vagina.
Sometimes only. Only maybe.
Sometimes. Yeah.
My, my, what is it, psychic? My astrologist told me that my
career is gonna take off in 2026 and 2027.
So hopefully. Yeah, because you met me, right?
Right. I'm the reason that you will be
famous. There's no other reason but me.
OK. That's it's because I've had you
on the podcast. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
One day everybody will be talking about the famous
interview Rachel Yu who did the 1st 60 minutes with Charles.
Exactly. And, and we will be both famous.
We're gonna see each other. We're gonna like, announce each
other's name when we like, get an Emmy Award or.
Something. Oh hell yeah.
Hell yeah. Hell yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'm ready.
I guess that's we can wrap up this podcast running out of
time. Is there anything you want to
add before we end the podcast? Come to my show.
I'm a big deal. If you don't come to my show,
you're wasting your time and your life.
And I'm really funny as you can tell, not just funny looking,
but really funny. And if you don't come to my show
and handsome and handsome. So you'll get both funny looking
and handsome at the same time. And just always believe in
yourself. Never let anything going on in
your life, you know, affect how you feel about yourself.
And you can make any changes you want to see in this world and do
what makes you happy. And don't wait till it's too
late. I love your energy.
Yes, OK, I'm going to say something similar, but this is a
quote from Cardi BI just learned.
I just memorized. So thank you for everybody
that's been supporting me, and if you don't support me and
Charles, you can suck my Dick. I was going to say fuck you,
yeah. And and if you think I don't
have a Dick because I'm a woman, I have a pink dildo in my
dresser. Or I want to see no.
No, no, or or or. You can suck Charles Dick.
Yeah. Yeah, All right.
Well, Mike won't allow that, but yeah.
OK. Sorry.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gay, by the way.
Yeah, I got a guy at home. Yeah, it's OK the the pink dildo
is ready. Yes, yeah, yes.
OK. That's well, I'm so thankful
that you had me on this show and you are the best and such a good
host and I'm just very appreciative of you.
So thank you very much for having me on the No thank you Up
show. This is where the greatness
start. Yes.
And I have one last question for you guys, you up?
Hell yeah.