I do think the monogamy is unnatural.
We're not supposed to be monogamous and that's why it's
my kink. We for, you know, thousands of
years humans lived communally. We raised all the all the elders
lived in one Hut, all the children lived in another Hut,
right. And we would like there was no
concept even of like lineage like this is my child or your.
Child. The only reason we got obsessed
with that was because we we stopped being nomadic hunter
gatherers and we we settled down and started doing agriculture in
one place and rulers needed a way to tax us and we need.
So then we needed a way to pass on private property to our
offspring. And then all of a sudden it
became very important whose kid was whose.
Women can have multiple orgasms. Men fall asleep after one.
Not all men. I don't know.
I don't know about you. I mean not, yeah, I mean, if
you, if we want to get back to how I impressed my wife that
first date, women are meant clearly meant to have multiple
partners. Oh, thank you.
Yeah. Wait, why?
Because like you're. Why can't I just have like 1
very skillful partner? Or yeah, sure.
Or that. Yeah, or that I'm just saying
that that I don't think it's natural.
Monogamy isn't natural, but it is my kink and it is what I like
and I'm really into it, but it's definitely not not natural.
Or not. Yeah, I understand the not
natural part. But I was also thinking like, I
always thought, oh, maybe I'm Polly or I like I can like fall
in love with multiple people at the same time and like them
equally. But if I like one person, like
really, really much, like so much, I wouldn't want to see
other people. Yeah.
Well, yeah. And that's how I feel, yes.
Yeah, so and you think we're outliers?
I think that the contemporary institution of monogamy and
matrimony is a is part of the larger hoax of like hegemonic
patriarchy that and like that upholds capitalism, and I think
it's wrong. But you're not doing the right.
Thing but it is also my choice and what I like to do with my
wife. Technically all all AI is binary
because it's made out of ones and zeros.
That's a dumb joke, I'll see myself out.
That's OK. Finally ready.
All right. Everything's ready at four.
Yes. Perfect.
Yeah, OK, Harkness, I'm just gonna go right in.
So I'm gonna start with. Wow.
No foreplay. No foreplay.
We're just going right in. We're.
Going right in. Harkness, what's keeping you up
tonight? What's keeping me up tonight?
I do. You really wanna know?
I mean, the amount of things that I worry about at night,
like from little things that I have no control over to big
things that I also have no control over.
OK, pick one. Like, the state of the world is
terrifying right now. But mostly I, you know, what I
really think about is like, oh, that hasn't happened.
Shit like this. I'm always worried that my
microphone condoms gonna fall off.
Oh my God, that does not. That hasn't happened on this bed
before. Are you saying this never
happens to you? This.
Never. Happens like oh this never
happens to me. Mike never, but condom sometimes
because we'd be having that tight pussy, you know?
I I, no, you know, I think I will you tell me if this is
normal. This feels normal to me.
I lay in bed at night and I think about relationships that
went not, like, romantic, but just like friendships, any kind
of relationship. And I replay like, what I think
went wrong, what I could have done differently.
And of course, it's pointless. Like you.
It it is what it is. What happened happened.
There's no point. Wait.
I'm so sorry. Yeah.
Did I? Did I tell you to prepare like a
one line hot take? Oh yes, sorry, I didn't realize
you were prompting me for that. Oh sorry, I shouldn't be more
clear. I no, I said I was like, this is
a very serious. Question.
I was like, I did not want to know about your relationships.
No, OK, we can. We can go back.
To that, yeah, Yeah. Do you want to say it again?
Yeah, I can say it again. No, we don't have to.
It's fine. We don't have to, like, cut it
or anything. Harkness, what's keeping you up
tonight? I have a feeling shit sorry I
fucked this up. Hold on.
I am surrounded constantly by attractive, liquored up,
sometimes drugged up horny people and because of that I
will never ever cheat on my wife.
Because of that, you will never cheat on your wife.
Why? Well, here's my theory and this
is just something that I've I've realized recently.
I think that men, because when I was younger, I was like, damn,
I'm going to become the sickest DJ in New York.
I'm going to be, I'm going to be surrounded by hot girls in
bikinis, pop and champagne, you know, drug, drugs and, and
nowadays I'm like, actually what I really want.
And this, it occurred to me because this actually happened.
I was at a very high end nightclub, like a very like
chic, but it was laid back. The vibes were laid back.
And I just had a couple of caddy gaze on either side of me
sipping white wine. And I was like, oh, this is
actually better. This is better than what I
thought I wanted. That you're that you're
surrounded by caddy gay guys. Yeah, who are just being mean
about the people at the party. And I'm like, this is fantastic.
Wait, wait. Well, first of all, what?
Wait, sorry, you're right. I made a real leap there.
No, let me back it up to the hot people and why hot people mean I
will never cheat. OK, tell us, darkness.
Yes, people. I feel like men cheat on their
girlfriends, wives, boyfriends, husbands just because they want
to know that they can. Are you saying men cheat more or
are you just saying that's why men cheat?
I'm not saying men cheat more. I just was thinking I was sort
of pontificating. I'm like, why do men cheat?
And I'm like, because you hear, I think you hear these stories
about they're like, oh, like I found out my guy was cheating
and like, she wasn't even that cute, you know what I mean?
And it's like, that's not why he's cheating.
He's not cheating because she's so much hotter.
He's so much hotter. It's because it's because men
are are insecure and they will let let's back it up.
Men are the weaker sex. Let's just say we'll.
Just get that. Let's get out of the way.
Let's get that. Men OK patriarchy is just
gaslighting. 4000 years of gaslighting we've been telling
you that you're the weaker sex because we're actually so frail
and we need so much attention and so much help the only way we
can get it is if we like hardcore trick you guys all
right that's. Other that's why that's how you
were gonna get on podcast guys, this if you were a guy, this is
like, this is what you have to kind of declare to be on the
podcast. This is how you get into bed.
With you exactly. Yeah, oh, so anyways, so so that
I think I and I don't, I wouldn't know 'cause I'm not a
cheater. Well, but.
Well, I mean, yeah. Why did you cheat?
That's a good, OK wait. Except for the one very famous,
very public cheating that I did. Do I?
No, but I think I guess what I'm talking about is like, you know,
married guys who are like middle-aged, who like like their
hairlines receding. They're getting a bit of like a
beard gut. They're like, Oh no, I don't
still have it. I couldn't still seduce somebody
if I wanted to. They're worried that they don't
like that they don't have the juice anymore.
Right. Is that why you?
Cheated. That's not why I cheated because
I was in a very unhappy relationship, but I was I was my
situation. We can't even.
I mean we can, but not the point is men cheat because just to
remind themselves that they could get someone if they wanted
to. OK.
I'm out here surrounded by people kind of hinting that I
could get it if they if I wanted to.
And I'm like, you know what, I'm good.
I'm good. And they're all hot like.
They're all hot. Every single person at one of my
parties is hot. Fuck and you, you don't give
them the time of the day. I'm like, no thanks.
I mean, even if they're not trying to sleep with me, they
come with, they come at me with like, I want to sleep with you
energy because they're trying to get me to like play a song.
But they know you're married. They do they.
You're wearing your wedding ring.
Yeah, but it's dark. These people are are messed up.
You know, they don't know. I mean, I guess it is a thing
that people want to fuck a DJ. Yeah, well, I think less and
less as as the public, as the general public is learning more
and more about DJs, that allure is going down.
But but well, I will say this, nightlife is engineered to make
you feel insecure. That's a hot take.
That's true though. Nightlife is like from the door
to like getting inside to like the just the layout of the room.
It's all geared towards making you feel insecure so you spend
more money, you spend more time, and.
I mean is in every business. Oh my God, I think you're right,
right? Capitalism.
That's capitalism. Capitalism.
So you know what that makes me feel better?
It's DJ is not the problem. Capitalism is the problem.
Exactly. So you're not the problem maker,
thank God. But the point is you put one
person and this could be, this could be like the bartender,
this could be the girl dancing in like the go go, you know,
cage or whatever, or or the DJ. You put somebody in a position
you you like raise them up. So as a DJ sometimes all you
have is like 1 foot of height over everybody else cuz you're
on like a little pedestal, you know, you're like.
Literally. Like, yeah, like at the
pharmacy, yeah. You're just like the just a
little bit more. Yeah, I have more information
about everyone. Everybody sees that and they're
like he's in charge, they're in charge that they're that's the
person to impress. Doesn't that feel good?
Exactly, and that's why I'm not going to cheat because I already
feel I'm get, I get this attention from people so I don't
need to go finding it. So you're not insecure.
No, I am. I'm actually very insecure,
which is why I need to be validated.
Like every other night of the week.
I need to go out and stand on a little pedestal in the center of
the room and have everybody look at me and be like, oh, he's the
important one. OK, but that it just stops
there. You don't need the further like
you know. You don't need to like cheat on
your wife or sleep with someone attractive to like further your.
Yeah, I think that's where these guys mess up is that they're
like, well, I actually am gonna do the thing, yeah.
Wait, what was the take again? What was the thing again?
I'm surrounded by hot people constantly who want my attention
and therefore I will never cheat on my wife.
Wow. I, I feel like for the, I don't
know, four months that I know about that I know Harkness.
It's been everything like Harkness wife is, has been
everything that you've been talking about.
Well, there's that too. My wife also is amazing and
incredible and the best woman ever.
So there's that. I agree.
I did try to explain this to her.
I was like, hey, you know, babe, you know what?
I, you know what? I realized she did not like this
at all. No, Somehow.
Somehow. You're like trying to too hard
to like, oh, look at this, this thing that I did just for you.
Yeah, well, also, she said. But also, you're not going to
cheat on me because I'm because you love me.
That yes. And I was like, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Well, sure, sure.
There's that. That's also very important.
I'm just talking about sort of like baseline, like male
psychology. But why can't other men cheat
because they had a miserable relationship like you did?
Yeah, I mean, that's allowed to. I mean I yes this does feel
really disingenuous because my wife and I did have like an
affair for 2 1/2. With each other.
Yeah. OK, Oh, this is OK.
Yeah, we, I was like still fully like married when we when we met
and we just had this very, it was sort of a fling and then it,
you know. This is like your story turns
out to be like a the most like counterintuitive story because
like if I met with someone and like the beginning of the
relationships we're cheating on like or the person other person
is cheating on their spouse to be with me and then we get
together, I'll be so insecure that the person would do the
same thing again. But but I guess you like
reinforce you like reiterate that you are not doing that
because you love your like whatever.
Yeah, I think that makes that's so counterintuitive for to.
Me it is. Well, I mean, it's very much,
you know, all of her friends were like he's he's never going
to leave his husband for you. Like it feels like a ROM com
where I'm the villain character and she meets somebody else
who's who she's meant to be with.
You know what I mean? I feel like the secondary
character in a in a ROM com that takes place in New York.
Yeah, but you're actually the first.
But it turns out, look, I do this all the time where people
hear about my story, my, you know, my love story with my
wife. And they're like, wait, so
there's hope for me? I'm like, no, leave him.
Whoever that guy is, whoever that guy you think is the one,
No, no, no. If they're acting like me, get
out. Get out now.
What's your excuse? Yeah, don't, don't.
Although that being said, I do have a friend, I have a party
friend who recently was like, oh, that guy, that guy I've been
seeing who's like 15 years older than me, who like I put, I put
my foot down and I was like, listen, if we don't get real,
let we're going to break up. She even was like, listen, I'm
leaving, but if you want to get real, hit me up.
Oh my God. And he like came back to her and
then and now, like this was like a year ago, I guess.
And they were, she's like, yeah, I'm going to Thanksgiving
meeting his family. And I'm like, all right, so.
Getting real. Maybe, maybe it can.
You know, everyone's, everyone's their own person.
Every story is its own story. But you just general, you just
literally generalize how my men cheat on women because.
Yeah, yeah. I would say that sort of
everyone's unique except for men, straight men.
Straight men. Everyone is their own person,
except for straight men. Do do you ever think your wife
is going to cheat on you? You have, do you?
Ever. Oh my God.
I actually no, not really. Not really.
But here's the thing, she does have a friend who's so tall.
He's he's so tall. And they they go to sound baths
together. Sound what?
What is even bad? I've never been.
Oh, sound baths like a real it's like crystals and feelings.
It's like you you lay in a room and they bang a gong and or like
hit symbols and it's like resonating frequencies and like
guided meditation. So it's like a cult.
Yeah, it's kind of a cult, but yeah, so she she does like her,
her best male friend. Goes to cult with her.
Yeah.
And I've never been, so who knows?
Oh, so The thing is, he's so tall.
He's like 66. Is he like married partner?
No, he's super single. He's super single and he's like
a finance Wiz. He's like retired.
He's older. He's like maybe in his early
50s. OK.
But honestly, he works out. He's pretty fit.
The more I'm starting to sweat. Actually, I'm.
Getting. Insecure.
I'm getting insecure. We can turn the AC on.
Oh. No, no, no.
I know how I know how sound goes.
You don't. We can't have that ruin well it.
And I'm not sweating because the temperature, I'm sweating
because I'm realizing my wife that might be having an affair.
Are you OK with that? Like like A1 sided open
relationship relationship? Why?
Why does the Chinese accent just come up do?
You want to try another take? No, it's OK.
One sided open relationship. One sided open relationship.
I mean, technically speaking, I was doing, I was in A1 sided
open relationship, you know, So I guess I can't really
criticize. I mean honestly, real talk, if
my wife did cheat on me, OK, I don't think I would leave her.
How? What would you do then?
I stay. I mean I wouldn't be happy about
it, but I mean I'm a middle-aged man child.
I don't know what I would do without her.
You know what I mean? Like I don't know if I could
like I would forget to like bathe myself.
How long have you been together? That's a good question.
What you don't know? Like 12 years.
Yeah, including the ones that you're cheating.
Yeah. Did she cheat on someone else or
was she single? She was single.
Yeah. How did you meet?
It's a really cute story, actually.
Wedlock. No.
A cute story out of wedlock. Yeah, yeah, we met.
We met a bunch of times before. It's funny because she recently
retold the story at a dinner party.
OK. To a bunch of other people and I
thought, wow, that's an interesting perspective on the
story. Oh, that wasn't your
perspective. I mean, it was more or less the
way I tell it, but it was interesting to hear her.
OK, let's, let's see. Let's hear it because.
Essentially we had seen each other around like a lot at
different parties and stuff. Like she, my partner and I, my
husband and I at the time, we used to dress the same
everywhere we went. Like twin?
Yeah, we were twin. It was like a whole thing and
OK. I have something to say about
that. OK, well maybe say it because
this is a long ass. Story OK, No.
I feel like I go to parties and sometimes there's a lot of gay
guys and they all dress the same and like the people who are
making out, they look exactly the same.
It's like you love yourself so much.
Is that what it is? I mean, yeah, no lies detected.
I think it is. There's it's a narcissism for
sure. There's a lot of self love,
yeah. That's why I go to these
parties. I kind of needed to see that,
yeah. Yeah, your thing is, are you one
of these women who watch gay porn?
No. OK, but no.
I that's the thing though, right?
It is, isn't it? Yeah, I watched.
The first porn I watched was gay porn, OK?
She said. The first.
Point I watched, is she part of the show?
Does she chime in like this? Sometimes OK if.
Yeah, I like when the producer is like part of the when we not
we break the 4th wall. Yeah, yeah.
This is the this is the crowd work part.
Yeah. You you dress at the same and go
to parties. Yeah.
Oh, right, right, right. So we would dress the same, go
to parties, make out, freak out girls, you know, confuse women.
I would. Be so confused.
Oh, but so the thing was, was that Marina, my wife, my now
wife, she and her bestie used to kind of dress up the same too.
Not like as not like as thoroughly as we did it, but
enough, OK, enough that I would see them at parties and I'd be
like, hey, we should go talk to our dates.
Those are our dates. We should go like chat with them
and wow. Yeah.
Did the husband know? Well, I think he did know on
some level because he was like, no, no, let's not talk to them.
And turns out Marina's bestie was saying the same thing.
She's like no, those guys are lame.
I don't like that those guys are stupid.
Like they're dumb. I don't like them.
And this happened like 3 different times.
But literally they're doing the same thing.
Why are they saying you're dumb? Yeah, well, that's the thing
though. When we did finally meet, the
first thing my wife said to me was you're dumb.
And I was like, I love you. I need to prove my this getting
back to the whole insecurity thing, this straight up.
So when we met, when we actually finally talked.
At the at the 4th party we saw each other at that's crazy,
which was like a chill like influencer thing on like a
Tuesday. It was just, it was literally
like one of these. Like it was like the real cool
kids of New York kind of vibe where it's just people.
It's just cool people getting free drinks at a random spot.
It's like super sponsored, you know, They're like post this,
post this, you know. About these parties, we go to
parties like that anyway. And it's easy to get.
It's easy to go to these parts. I mean, you just have to live in
New York. Long enough and then go, yeah.
You know, you just have to know the right you know.
Oh, we're just saying. I was just saying we're
influencers is fine. OK, yeah, I couldn't doubt.
Were you being sarcastic or were you?
Being no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm saying like, like I'm
really, I'm like hyping up my producer.
Yeah. Hell yeah.
Yeah. Oh.
So anyways, so, so we we meet, I see her and she comes over and
she goes, is this you? And she shows me a picture of
myself on her phone and I go, oh, are you a fan?
And she goes of what? I don't get it.
What do you do? And I'm like, and, and truly in
that moment, I'm like, I will prove my worth to this woman.
I will show her what I do. I will do what I do to her so
well that she is going to want to be with me for the rest of my
life. Like it Trick nagging works.
Yeah. Yeah, nagging, I mean.
And of course I'm against like the whole pick up artist thing.
Yeah, but you don't seem like a pick up.
Artist. I'm not well, except that no,
but she. Came up to you.
But here's the thing, she wasn't even trying to activate me in
that way. She literally looked at me and
was like, this guy's not even a viable romantic partner.
OK. She didn't think I even liked
girls a little bit. How did you get a chance to like
show like what you have? To I pursued her relentlessly.
OK, I didn't she's like, I don't get it.
What do you do? Who cares about what's your
deal? And I was like, I don't know.
I'm like a pretty big deal DJ actually.
Actually Elijah Wood, star of, you know, Hollywood movies,
who's DJ ING this party right now with vinyl records.
I taught him how to DJ. Wow.
And she's like, oh, Elijah Wood. She goes, he's in like, Lord of
the Rings, right? I go, yeah.
And she goes, I don't really like fantasy.
I'm more like a science fiction girl.
What? I was like, that's the biggest
flex I can think of. That's like, but fantasies and
science fiction are very similar.
Also that, also that, yeah. It's not like I love ROM com,
it's like. Yeah, it's not like it's like,
oh, I like period ROM com, but like not 90s ROM com.
No, it's like I like ROM com. It's the same thing.
Yeah, so. Wait, how did why did she have
your picture? What picture was that?
Oh, so she had photographed me and my partner on the street?
What? She's a paparazzi.
Well, like she just like posted it to Instagram, but then
dragged us like made fun of our outfits.
She goes, what are these two losers doing dressed like this?
They look stupid. Look at their neon shoes.
And this was the thing was that she goes, do you remember?
Do you remember Charlie Sheen's whole meltdown publicly where he
would go, duh. Winning.
No. OK, I'm.
I should know. No, no, no.
Anyways, I'm just not American. Neither is Marina.
Really. Yeah, she she's from Ukraine.
She immigrated. This is actually, this is OK.
I'm I'm I'm I'm laying out the groundwork for how to start a
successful relationship, which is have an affair.
With the foreign woman. Yeah, but but but A1A great way
to to keep the mystery of a relationship going is marry
somebody who immigrated to this country at a young age so that
there's a cultural blind spot and they don't know a lot of the
same pop culture you do, so you can introduce them.
Like, I don't think she'd ever seen Back to the Future, which
to me is like one of the most important, like, foundational
films of like my whole personality, specifically Back
to the Future too. See.
Great. See, we would, we, we would work
out. I don't know, 'cause I could
show you. Men love explaining things.
Men love being like, babe, no, no, this part, look at this.
You gotta watch this part. This.
OK, so they're gonna create a temporal paradox here anyways.
I I think we we can work out maybe I don't know.
Yeah, no, I'm just saying, you know, if you, if you, I get it,
if you partner up with somebody who's naive to some baseline
elements of your culture, it keeps things fresh.
But doesn't it make it harder for you to communicate?
Like oh man, I wish she gets it, but she doesn't get it.
A little bit. Sometimes she'll say things that
don't make any sense cuz she literally is thinking in like
Russian and she's speaking English.
OK. I do that sometimes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But but like Mandarin, Yeah,
yeah, yeah. Like what?
What's your best? Like I'm saying, yeah, did I?
Do you just hear me say that? Aya.
What does that mean?
Like that means like, like, Oh my gosh.
Oh shit. Oh, OK.
Yeah, yeah, I was doing a lot of Never mind.
Well, she, her thing is more like she'll say she'll miss,
she'll do some malapropisms, like she'll use the wrong words
for things. Like she'll say like, oh, this
is like the part of the game show where everything goes
really fast. It's the fire round.
Yeah. And I'm like, that's the
lightning round. Oh, OK, yeah, OK.
I mean, I see. I mean it makes sense it she
calls it fire on. It's not like she calls it ice
round or like. You know what, you're right.
I'm I'm culturally insensitive and I got I'm going to work on
that. Yeah, it's OK, you American men.
So wait, tell us about it. I I want to know what's what's
keeping the, you know, marriage fresh.
Oh yeah, so besides being able to show her all the movies I
loved growing up and she's never seen them.
Like mansplaining. Yeah, mansplaining.
OK, this isn't Honestly, I don't know what's wrong with her, but
she does love to hear me just talk for very long stretches of
time. She loves you.
Yeah, I guess. I guess we love each other, Jim,
look into that. Does she do you listen to her?
Because I know she also has a podcast.
She I don't listen to her podcast.
Oh my God, what I've did You see that look on my producer's face?
Listen, there are too many. There are too many podcasts out
there. And you're not first listening
to your wife's podcast? I mean, her podcast is about
stuff. I mean, wow.
Podcast sucks that's what you're trying to.
Think no, it's great. It's great.
I've you. Just don't like the topics.
No, I think I've like helped her.
I mean, I've written like music for it and like, I definitely, I
definitely edited an episode or two for her.
But yeah, her, her her podcast is about like about how to make
it in the art world. OK, OK.
It's the artist advisory hotline, you should check it
out. Everybody should listen.
Exactly. It's a lot of like.
Artist what is it? You know what?
I don't know if that's the exact thing and I should really.
Well, we'll link it down below. Yeah, link down below.
Yes, the artist advisory, although she's just rebranded to
Manifesting for Artists. Manifesting.
Which abbreviated as MFA like master of fine.
Art. Yeah.
Yeah, I love that. Yeah.
Do you? Do you believe in manifesting?
Yes, I have to. I'm required to.
Because you are. Because I want to stay married
to my wife. I Yeah, I believe in
manifesting, sure. There's so much love between you
and your wife. I'm so jealous.
I feel like thank you. I feel jealous honestly I I
receive jealousy towards me as like one of the greatest gifts.
OK. Being, being, having people be
jealous of you is like a great feeling.
It is. It is, but they don't usually
tell you and sometimes they do bad things because they are
jealous. Sometimes it comes up comes out
as hate. Sure.
I mean, Marina's, she's always talking about how her family is
obsessed with jealousy. They have all these like old
world, old world superstitions about how like basically in a
nutshell, it's like you can't tell somebody how good you're
doing because their jealousy will put the evil eye on you.
I feel like I have I should have her on the podcast.
You maybe should just have her on the OK.
I think you should. I would.
She would look great in this bed.
Really. Yeah, No, I agree.
She would look great. I might reach out to her.
Yeah, please do. Yeah.
You were saying? What was I saying?
I want to know more about Wait, I was going to ask, do you have
identify more as a DJ or a comedian?
Because I feel like you're you keep talking about DJ.
You never on this pod. You haven't talked about being a
comedian yet. That's interesting.
I. And you're like, oh, I'm such a
big deal in the DJ world, you haven't.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. I just want to make clear I
didn't just say just now I'm a big deal in the DJ world.
I said that to my wife 15 years ago when I was trying to seduce
her. I was like, I'm a big.
I would never say that now. I'm very mature now and I would
never say I'm a big deal. You're not a big deal.
I'm kind of a big deal. Right.
That's why, that's why I want to, I want you to come here.
She, you know, she straight up told me we were, we'd been
seeing each other for a little while and we had literally just
enjoyed each other. We just had sex.
I don't know. I don't know how I was trying
and I'm like, that actually sounds worse.
We just enjoyed each other. That sounds horrible, that.
Sounds very old school. Yeah, and literally, like,
within moments of sort of laying back and like, lighting up
cigarettes or whatever, she goes.
You know, I only date musicians. That's why you have to go hard
on DJs. And I was like, I was like, are
we not dating? And then I was like, well, I
guess we're not like we just, we're just hooking up.
Like in my mind, I spiraled because in my mind I was like,
wait, I guess. And I'm like, no, we're not
dating, dude. Like you don't take her out on
dates like you guys are. We're you're just having a very
illicit affair. Yeah, and you're married.
And I'm married, so I was like, I was like, I was like, well,
DJs are like musicians, right? And she like she just laughed
and said no. That's harsh.
Yeah, and I guess that's the whole, that's the whole
anecdote, but. What?
When did you start becoming? Oh, I know what I was.
I know I was then going to say no, you I I wanted to say, but I
caught myself. I wanted to say I'm a success.
I'm like a working DJ, like I make a living as a DJI bet these
musicians you've been hanging out with, it's like a side
hustle. And then I I stopped myself
because I was like, I'm dug such a hole.
I am not, you know. Why?
I feel like that'll be a such a like.
No, because fiscal responsibility isn't sexy.
I guess. Saying like, well, I actually
earn a living. Those guys are just following
their dreams. Yeah.
It's actually sexier to follow your dreams.
I think it's sexier to have fiscal responsibility.
I don't know, to each of their own, sorry.
There's a hair. Yeah, I just, I was just gonna
do that, and then I realized it's definitely not on camera.
Yeah, that's OK. It could be on this one it.
Could be OK, but good. Thank you.
And so you haven't, you still haven't talked about being a
comedian. I just, I guess you just hate
being a comedian. I do.
I hate it so much. No, being a comedian is great.
I love it. I.
Feel offended? You're a good comedian.
Aren't you a good comedian? Yeah, but I I just wanted to
guess you up. You're a good I went to go see
you perform a while ago, right? I kind of forgot that you
actually saw me before. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I and I definitely. Oh, do we need to?
No. No, no, keep going.
I definitely, no offense, but I always, I always assume.
I always assume it's gonna be bad.
Oh my God, when someone's like, hey, come see me do comedy, the
my baseline assumption is it's not going to be good.
Has it always been bad? No, I'm usually pleasantly
surprised. I think this also comes from
like before, this is a, this is a, this is an attitude I have
that predates being in comedy, where I would sometimes go see
friends, do comedy shows. And it was never good.
OK, yeah, this is before you started doing comedy.
Yeah, and now I have good taste and I know who's good.
And yeah. No, actually Harkness produces
the best shows. Like honestly, like I've never
laughed so hard. The other like the family style
show and all of the connections you have, like they're all
they're so like they're such good comedians and they're like,
you would never think that you would see them at this show
cause like it's like in a small place like a art gallery or like
a little bar like in the cellar. But the line up is like fire.
The line up is fire. The venues are always terrible.
I I hear what you I can read between the lines.
Yeah. You would never think that the
you would get such a good line up at such a shitty show.
Yeah. No, but yeah, yeah, I'm not.
I'm trying to hype you up. Yeah, I think it's working.
Yeah. No, I love, I love doing stand
up. I love.
I think that stand up and D Jing is really similar.
Yeah, OK. Not the venue is bad, the venue
just not at comedy club. It's just what I expected at the
venues are still good venues. They're not that the the spot
where we were doing the Family Family style show got flooded.
Last time we did a show there, there was actually a flood and
we almost had to to cancel the show.
Well, I'm glad I saw it before it flooded.
Yeah, we had when we almost had to cancel the show and instead
we just did it upstairs on like street level.
OK. And then.
But then like an unhoused woman wandered into the show and
actually the comic who was on dealt with it really well.
He had an incredible amount of empathy and actually like, kind
of chatted with her. And it was a big, very sweet.
Like she definitely, you know, was not in the best mindset and,
you know, oh, manifesting, that's what we were talking
about. Right.
But he was really sweet with her and and the show actually went
off kind of nicely. I thought you were going to
start talking about manifesting. That's what we were talking
about, and I feel as though I do believe in it.
You know what I believe in is Feng Shui.
Say that again. Feng Shui.
Feng Shui am I? No.
No, no, say the first time you said it.
Feng shui. Yeah, I think.
Is that right? Yeah.
OK, OK. That's, that's what that's the
other thing my wife does. Oh, right.
She she kind of did that as like a side.
Here's the thing, when you get like a side hustle, that becomes
a job. You then find more side hustles.
So she, she's like, she show here's the thing, she's sort of
living the dream, being like a life coach for artists, like
helping them navigate the art world because she ran a gallery
for years and she was like kind of fed up with the commercial
art world and actually wanted to get out of it.
But then she realized that she could start a company that would
help artists navigate this toxic landscape that she was so sick
of. And she was like, going to help
them avoid the pitfalls she'd seen artists get into, which is
sort of like, that's like a fun side hustle podcast thing, like
women helping women vibes, Right.
But then that that blew up and became her, like, main her like,
full job. So then she had to go and, of
course, get like, certified in like, Reiki healing Feng shui.
And now the Feng shui thing is taking off.
Like she's flying around the world to do people's like,
corporate offices and what, Yeah, she like, just got back
from LA where she was doing this.
And honestly, this is a great hustle.
So she, she just done someone's like home or their office.
And it must have been their home because she goes, I've got to go
back. And I was like, why did you not
do it right? Didn't, did you not put the fire
energy in the correct corner? And she said, no, I did it so
well that they sold their home. They got a raise and sold their
home, and now they're getting a new home.
And I'm like, that was a month ago.
So. So she's just like, yeah.
Wait, can she come back here? I need to get her on the pod.
I mean, she's I. Need some advice.
She has done this. She did this for another friend
of ours who was having like a dry spell, hadn't gone on a date
in ages. She went in, like, moved around
a few things in her bedroom. I think the main thing was that
she had, like, a dead plant in her in her romance direction.
And so the plant was sort of like struggling to stay alive.
And she's like, you need this out of here.
It's not it's, you know, it's blocking your, like, romance
from coming into your life. That.
And she also had a photograph of herself on a beach alone.
And she's like, don't have a photo of yourself alone if you
want to be with somebody. Yeah.
And then, and then, and then this girl got a boyfriend like
the next week and they're still together.
This was like years ago. Oh my God, what?
I definitely have to have her here on the pod sometime.
If yeah, I'll reach Outback her. I well, you just sent her a
picture of. The I did, I sent her a picture
of the bed, which honestly feels ominous, especially without us
in it. What does ominous mean?
Oh, bad. Oh, like, like, like spooky.
Like, oh, OK, OK. Like, like if you're alone in
the woods and you hear a sound and you're like, oh, what's
that? Is that a, is that a wolf?
Is that a murderer? Because I just feel like this
bed, it looks like a, you know, I was like, I'm about to get in
this bed. We're going to record a little
thing in this bed. All cameras on.
US yeah, yeah, it's just you know, has sort of an adult film
vibe to. It Oh, it does.
What maybe that's that's just, that's just what I think.
Of when I see. Cameras pointed at a bed.
It's you, I think it's you. So have you went down and warm
it? Have I acted in adult films?
No, but my father did what? What was the in Canada when he
was dodging the draft? He was in an adult movie.
I haven't seen it. It's like on film.
It's like from the 70s. That's crazy.
Yeah, he was dodged. He dodged the draft, went to
live in Canada. That's crazy information to just
like casually dropping. Well, it was.
Well, what were you going to ask you?
You were gonna ask about my oral sex technique, I think.
What were you gonna say? I.
Was gonna ask, like, what do you before 'cause I when Michael was
here, the first episode, I was like, if you're a gay guy,
you've never like dated a woman. You probably have never seen a
pussy because as a woman who's a lesbian, you probably have seen
like, Dicks on subways and stuff.
It's like, yeah, but. But like for you before you like
I guess started dating your now wife.
Did you have experience? Oh yeah, yeah.
Yeah, Oh yeah, she. That's the thing.
I've always been, what's the word, you know, I've always been
bisexual. OK, I was trying to think of a
funnier word. I was trying to think of funnier
euphemism. I was gonna be like, I've
always, I've always liked both types of chocolate, you know?
I don't, you know, and of course, there are not only two,
right? There's many types of chocolate.
Exactly. So you've been.
Only I actually some of my I've had very strong flirtations like
with lesbian women or like masked.
Lesbian women. Yeah, I've had a couple of,
well, a lot of, as you know from my stand up, OK, I had that joke
about how I'm in college, I was a an upstanding member of the
lesbian community because I was the last guy a lot of women
would sleep with before they fully committed to the 'cause,
right. Yeah.
Right, that's true. Wait, you're the last guy?
I'm the I'm the last guy. A lot of women have slept.
With SO, you're either very, very good that they don't think
any men can top you, or you're very, very bad that they don't
want to deal with men anymore. That and that's what I say to
myself. I say, you know what?
They got the best. They're like, why even try?
Why even try to compete? Oh, I don't know, I'm gay now.
No, I mean, I think that, I mean no, it's a very, it's very true.
Like I'm, I think I'm the last guy that like I can, I can name
like 5 different women I was with who afterwards were like.
What's what is it about you and your wife hasn't found that out
about herself yet? She hasn't.
No, she went down. She's she's straight.
OK, she's totally. Straight and she told me fuck
yeah, sorry. She God, no.
You know what? No dope.
That's funny. I do people, I think people
think that we're swingers all the time.
Like we often get this. People want to get involved with
us. They're like they they're like
you guys are Polly, right? You guys are like open, right?
You guys like fuck around. I'm like, no, we are actually
very monogamous. Wait, this actually, yeah, I, I,
you kind of give off that vibe. I don't know what, I don't know
what it is. I don't know what it is.
No, my my wife is this. Am I being like judgmental for
thinking that? For thinking that we're
swingers, yeah. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised
if you say it, but I wouldn't assume that about you.
Oh, you. Oh, you wouldn't assume it.
I wouldn't assume. OK, good.
Don't. I hope people don't assume that.
Well, it's also because I know you from the beginning and you
were talking about you were a monogamist, and that's your.
Well, yeah. That's my oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. Well, I do think that.
I do think that I do think that monogamy is unnatural.
We're not supposed to be a monogamist.
And that's why it's my kink. Should I start?
Should I have started the show with this?
Maybe. Would this have been a better
way to start the show? It's OK, I can.
There's a magic tool, it's called Editing.
Software. No, we're not.
We're not designed to be monogamous.
Like nothing about human truly like we're we're not supposed to
be this way. Like everything about modern
society is wrong. Like modern industrial and
Agricultural Society, like organized the way that it's,
it's, it's totally backwards. We for, you know, thousands of
years humans lived communally. We raised all the all the elders
lived in one Hut, all the children lived in another Hut,
Right. Yeah.
And we would like there was no concept even of like lineage
like this is my child or your child The only reason that we
got obsessed with. Yeah, cuz we had we can only
fuck one child. What is that?
We can only fuck one child. Yeah.
The only reason we got obsessed with that was because we, we
stopped being nomadic hunter gatherers and we, we settled
down and started doing agriculture in one place and
rulers needed a way to tax us and we so then we needed a way
to pass on private property to our offspring.
And then all of a sudden it became very important whose kid
was whose. OK, but what does that have to
do with monogamy? Well, I think so.
Monogamy is like a byproduct of that, right?
Like we're not naturally meant to be like in one place.
We're meant to be like the, the Native Americans who like
roamed, who like, practice a form of agriculture, like
subsistence agriculture, where they would they would like
gather things from the earth in one spot and then leave that
area and let it replenish itself naturally over seasons.
And then just, yeah, fuck around.
That's the side. The side effect is yeah, yeah,
absolutely. Just so in the same way that
they were sort of nomadically being polyamorous with the Earth
being like, sometimes we'll take fruit from this patch, sometimes
we'll take fruit from that patch.
Poly wait, wait, say, say that line again with the earth.
Sort of like Poly agricultural, I guess.
Yeah, they're sort of like, yeah, they're like they're like,
you know, they're letting the flowers get fertilized in this
area and then they're letting the flowers get fertilized
there. I mean here.
OK, look, women can have multiple orgasms, right?
Yeah, right. This is true, Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, she's naughty. OK, men fall asleep after one.
Not all men. I don't know.
I don't know about you. I mean not, yeah, I mean, if
you, if we want to get back to how I impressed my wife that
first date. Yeah, sorry.
Go ahead. But my point is though is that
women are clearly meant to have multiple partners.
Oh, thank you. Yeah.
Wait, why? Because like you're.
Why can't I just have like 1 very skillful partner?
Or yeah, sure. Or that.
Yeah. Or that.
I'm just saying that, that I don't think it's natural.
Monogamy isn't natural, but it is my kink and it is what I like
and I'm really into it. But it's definitely not.
I can't. I yeah, I understand the not
natural part, but I was also thinking to myself like if I
really, I'm really into one person, like I always thought,
oh, maybe I'm Polly or I like, I can like fall in love with
multiple people at the same time and like them equally.
But recently I feel like if I like one person, like really,
really much, like so much, I wouldn't want to see other
people. Yeah.
Well, yeah. And that's how I feel, yes.
Yeah, so and you think we're outliers?
I think that the institution of, I think that the contemporary
institution of monogamy and matrimony is a, is part of the
larger hoax of like hegemonic patriarchy that and like that
upholds capitalism. And I think it's wrong.
But you're not doing the right thing.
But it is also my choice and what I like to do with my wife.
I know. Well, it's.
Sweet, OK, I wake up in the middle of the night sometimes
and I'm like, who is this person next to me?
And I'm like, oh, my wife. And I'm so happy.
It's like, what's going on with you?
How's your dating life? Well, we're out of touch.
Oh no, I can tell you after. Oh, OK, I see.
I see. Yeah, You get me to open up like
a book and then. Sure.
I'll tell you why after we start, we stop recording but.
Are you, are you secretly like, married to like a noble back in
the old country? No, OK.
Wait. You paused, though.
I was like, Oh my God. Like I was trying to think what
is a noble? Not a noble.
I I don't know why I said noble. That's very archaic of me.
I mean, like, yeah, like, are you fleeing from, like, a
wealthy husband who's, like, who's like, trying to track you
down? Why am I fleeing from a wealthy
husband? I'm trying to find a wealthy.
No, I'm kidding. No, I thank you for this very
fruitful, very intelligent episode.
Like we I haven't heard the word hegemony in like years.
Oh, I, I listen, I almost didn't say it because you didn't know
what ominous meant, but I'm glad.
I'm glad. I I'm glad I didn't stand the
way. No, I I know my words.
Hell yeah. Not just not the sometimes.
Yeah, I just learned about like twink is not like a slur.
No, I guess twink isn't a slur. Yeah, I thought it was a slur.
I heard someone say it. Interesting.
You can definitely say it derogatively.
Yeah, you can say it dismissively.
Yeah, but of course, but I can say it.
You. Oh, you can say it.
Yeah. Yeah, you can say it.
OK, I mean, using twink as a slur goes back to like
reinforcing like patriarchy and misogyny, OK.
Because the way that like a gay man might call a twink, what
might say, say twink dismissively is caught up in
like an idea that like femininity is less desirable
than masculinity. And that the idea that like the
the the gay man who is penetrated during sex is the
female, whereas the gay man who does the penetrating is the
male. And then they're, it's like,
it's like trickle down misogyny. Are you a top or a bottom?
I'm versed in all things babe. Wow, you're like such a like
you're all all compassing. This is what I meant to say
before when I couldn't think of the word bisexual.
I'm a renaissance man. Wow.
Renaissance meaning I know the. Meaning versatile.
Very well-rounded. All, all size, yeah.
Well-rounded because the Renaissance is when we
discovered the Earth was round. I don't think that's true.
I think that I think that ancient peoples actually knew it
was round. I thought it was like.
OK, it's ovoid. Are you going to talk about the
fact that the Earth is actually egg shaped?
No, no. Does she not round?
It's actually kind of uneven. It's actually flat.
Oh, it's one of those podcasts. Can't believe I I found AI,
can't believe I got a round earth person on my podcast.
Damn round Earth again. Well, thank you.
Yeah, of course. This is great.
I had a very great time.
Thank you. I'm I'll make sure to send my
wife into your bed, please. Yeah.