Welcome to the New Manager Podcast.
I'm your host, Kim Nickel. Hello and welcome.
I'm glad you're here and I hope you're doing well.
This morning was a very beautiful sunny day, and I went
to one of my favorite weekend spots.
It's called Devil's Teeth Bakery, and it is so named
because there are some very jagged rocks off the coast and
you know, they're kind of familiarly known as the Devil's
Teeth. So this is the Devil's Teeth
Bakery. It's near the ocean and they
make this delicious breakfast sandwich.
It is a biscuit and for my listeners who are in the uki
mean like an American style biscuit.
So it's not sweet, it's not crunchy, it's soft and fluffy
and a little salty. It's like a buttermilk biscuit
kind of biscuit. And then inside there is cheese
and scrambled eggs and bacon. And it is delicious, which is
often why when I go there is a line.
So I'm waiting in this line. I'm waiting very happily because
I know that this is, you know, just part of the process, part
of the experience of getting my delicious breakfast sandwich.
And I'm noticing some of the folks, you know, also in line
and also waiting for their for their food.
And I see this little kid, she's probably about four, and she's
like joyful and jumping around And her adult, which I'm
guessing is her mom, but honestly, I don't know.
But the adult who's with her who let's just for the sake of the
story, assume it's her mom. Her mom is in line.
And so her mom cannot, you know, kind of run around and play with
her. Her mom is trying to stay
focused on, you know, we can be excited and we have to stay
here. We can't go run off.
We can't, you know, run into the street.
We have to stay close, and I'm watching this exchange as the
mom is trying to kind of shape the direction of where her kid
is. But doing it in a way that,
number one, doesn't escalate any kind of conflict.
And it's it's one of those things where as an adult, you
can kind of observe there's a little impatience.
You know, it's still early and mom probably just wants to get
her breakfast sandwich and sit down and she's trying to keep an
eye on the kid. And the kid is excited and, you
know, not a huge sense of awareness of the world as we are
when we're kids. We just like to run around and
play. And I'm watching this dynamic
and the mom does something that was, I thought was so great.
She actually did a couple of things.
One is, as you know, she sees her, you know, the kids starting
to run a little bit further. You know, she calls her by name
and she's like, hey, you know, come on back here.
And the kid, she doesn't, she's still kind of, you know, hi, I'm
playing. And then the mom says I'm going
inside, right? Because the line was starting to
move. The mom says, I'm going inside
and you're coming with me. And the kid is still kind of
playing. And the mom says, I need you to
use your body, come inside with me.
And she. Then she starts to give her a
countdown and the combination of these messages, the kid kind of,
you know, she doesn't like settle, but she kind of
refocuses, redirects, and she's still joyful.
She still has all this energy, but instead of being kind of
just, you know, out and playing and like, oh, like we're
outside, instead she kind of gathers her energy, directs it
back towards Mom, and they go, you know, inside the bakery to
order their food. And I really love this because
it had me thinking of the importance of giving clear
direction and how we can do that in a way that doesn't create or
escalate conflict. And this is one of those skills
that my guess is you have it already in different situations.
Like this is a human relationship skill.
This is a a human commissions communication skill that you
have probably observed and absorbed without even realizing
it. Especially if you have kids or
if you are like me and you do not have children of your own,
but you are, you know, a beloved auntie or a beloved uncle.
And you have this really interesting relationship with
kids where as the adults in charge, sometimes you're giving
direction, but the relationship is different than if you are a
parent. And I mentioned this because
when we're talking about leadership, we're talking about
managing people. There's an element where when
you recognize that part of the job of doing it well is giving
clear direction that you can be directive, that you can be
direct in a way that is still collaborative, in a way that is
still kind, in a way that is still clear and doesn't smush
the other person's enthusiasm for what we're doing.
I mean, that is that is brilliant.
Like when you realize, oh, like that's how I can do this.
And I mention this because so many of the people that I work
with really, genuinely care about doing a good job.
And they want their team to be happy and they want their boss
to be happy and they want people to, you know, feel good about
the work they're doing. You know, they want to feel like
they're doing a good job as a boss.
I I think, you know, nobody imagines that they want their
team, you know, to go home and complain to their spouse like,
Oh my boss today, nobody wants to be that boss.
We want to be the person who knows that when your team goes
home, they say, you know, today was pretty rough, but like my
manager gets me, my manager is fair.
I mean, I know I might not agree with them all the time, but you
know, I I feel supported and I'm still, I'm glad that I'm on
their team. You know, like that's that's
kind of what we're going for. And so realizing that you can be
direct, but in a way that doesn't mean you are discarding
the part of you that wants to be really compassionate, the part
that genuinely cares about people doing a good job and
feeling good about the job they're doing in the workplace.
Those two things can go together.
And I feel like what I witnessed this morning in the interaction
between this mom and her kid was such a great example of that.
The other reason I want to point that out as an example is I want
to encourage you to be on the lookout in the course of your
everyday life and your everyday experience so that you start to
see and recognize what that looks like and what that feels
like. And this is also valuable
because, you know, as humans, we actually very often can relax
and feel more at ease when we have a clear sense of direction,
when we trust that the direction we are receiving is actually
what we're supposed to be working on.
I'm thinking too of, Oh my goodness, sometimes this is so
hard if you are in a design or a creative field and you're
working with someone who doesn't yet speak the language of
artistic direction. And so they say, I want it, but
make it blue and fun. And so you say, OK, And then you
design something for them and you present it and they're like,
Nah, no, no, no. That's not what I mean.
I meant I meant like maybe like a little bit more green and fun,
but but like playful. Not like, loud fun, but like
playful fun. And there can be this
frustrating back and forth of trying to understand, like, what
is the direction you want. Because if I was clear about it,
then I could relax knowing what I was supposed to be aiming for,
and we would be in alignment and connected and it would be a yes
and it would feel good. Like having clear direction
actually simplifies our life and makes things easier.
And so you can be directive, you can give direction, and you can
do it in a way that really increases trust.
That reduces anxiety. Like I want you to, I want to
invite you to think about it in that way.
Being direct, giving direction, being directive.
Now, this also requires a couple of things.
It requires thinking about what is the vision, what is the
direction I want people to go in.
You can think of directing people's actions.
What are the things or the behaviors I want them to be
doing? Like in the story I shared with
the mom and her daughter, you know her, the mom gave very
specific direction to where the daughter where the child should
be with her physical body. You know, use your physical body
to bring yourself over here, like very specific behavioral
direction. We can also give direction in
terms of attention. Where should people be focused?
What should they be paying attention to?
And sometimes we achieve this by being able to describe the big
picture. You know, here's the, you know,
the big direction that we're going.
These are the goals of our organization or or these are the
goals of our team. And so that's kind of the big
picture. That's the direction we're
going. And then today or this week or
this month, I would like you or even more directive like your
job will be to focus your attention and effort on this
piece of it, because this is necessary in order to help us
achieve this future goal. I have been baking a little bit
lately. It's been, you know, kind of
rainy in San Francisco. And so I've been baking.
And I was thinking about, you know, there's a a certain order
in which things need to happen in order to end up with these
beautiful cookies. And so it's kind of like, OK, we
want to make these beautiful cookies.
And in order to do that, you know, the directions are first
you need to brown the butter. Just focus on that part first.
Don't worry about the other stuff.
Just focus on that part first. Or even thinking about, we're
going to put the flour and the baking soda and the salt
together in this bowl, and we'll put the two sugars in this other
bowl and we'll have them ready so that when the butter is
browned and cooled, we will be prepared to then add and combine
these ingredients in this way. And in the workplace, it can be
really similar. We don't always see how our
individual work connects to the big picture.
And when we're not really clear about that, we can go into this
feeling of like, what's the point?
Does it really matter? This seems trivial.
This seems like busy work. This seems unimportant.
And the more we think of our work in that way, the less we
kind of, you know, take it seriously and the more we can
sort of sit back and feel quite unengaged and LAX about it.
And so if you're noticing that in your team or even in
yourself, if that's what it feels like, so for your team,
you want to be able to share with them, here's the direction
we're going in. And so here is the directive to
you, like this is what you'll be working on now, and here's why
it's important. Here's how it connects to the
big picture. If you are feeling like you are
the one who doesn't really understand and it feels like
busy work, you can ask directly to invite your manager to
clarify for you, it might simply be asking, OK, so I understand
you know you're giving me these directions to work on this thing
or to focus on this piece. Can you help me understand how
it fits into the big picture? I think there's something I'm
not seeing, or I think there's something I'm not understanding,
and it's helpful because sometimes it will illuminate.
There are kind of different layers at which things are
happening, which might could actually be a whole different
conversation that we have. And that's the one.
It's a lot easier to do in person, either with my
one-on-one coaching or in the group.
But I mention it because you might be assuming, OK, they're
giving me this direction because it's busy work, you know,
because it's not meaningful. But if you ask, help me
understand, like, how does this connect to the big picture?
Because I think I'm not seeing it.
You might realize, oh OK, this is actually going to set
something up for this other team then to be ready to go when this
other dependency gets resolved. Like it just helps to have that
sense of connection and meaning so that when you receive
direction, you understand what is the big picture that we are
going to. So that's the direction piece.
Then we have decisions. And as a manager, as a leader,
one of the most important jobs you have is making decisions.
This can be tricky because when we're are an individual
contributor or when you're simply making decisions for
yourself and your own work, the skill and the mindset is a
little bit different. When you start making decisions
that affect others, that starts to be a little bit different.
So for example, you might think, well, if it was me, I would do
it in this way, and I like the way it's done and I think this
is the way it should be done. But when you're making decisions
about others, you want to be thinking about what is the
bigger picture here. So, for example, it might be
faster for you to do something. You have more experience, you're
more familiar with the tools or the relationship.
But the big picture is that you have someone new on your team,
and your work is to help grow them into the person who can
take on that additional responsibility.
That means deciding to delegate to them and letting them do
things maybe in a slightly different way, Maybe letting
them do things in their own way, or allowing them to do something
that you know they're going to go off course and maybe fail a
little bit. But the value in that is that
they will learn through their direct experience, and that can
be the fastest way to get someone on board is to give them
that trust the safety to fail. So no one's going to die.
Nothing's going to get burned to the ground.
But you know that in the process of trying something and then
having to course correct or self correct, you know that the
learning will be that much richer.
And if they're doing things a little bit in their own way,
there's the added benefit that they may do something in a way
you never would have thought of that is really, really good.
That is really helpful. And so there's that question of,
OK, what are the decisions you are making and why.
And one of the places I see people get tripped up here is
they try to not make decisions because they are afraid of
making mistakes. And so they'll over research,
they will stall. They will pull other people,
like instead of making decision, they'll you know, and instead of
making decision they'll ask 20 people and they'll get 20
opinions and 20 different advices and they could all work,
you know that it could all be valid.
But what ends up happening is it's like you haven't identified
what is your protocol or process for making a decision and you're
kind of hoping somebody else will do it for you.
This is one of those things that is so subtle and it can
sometimes mask itself as being considerate.
I want to be really considerate, so I'm going to ask 20 people.
And that can be so frustrating because part of your job, in
your role as a manager and as a leader, is to make decisions.
That brings clarity, that brings simplicity, not just for you but
for others. And so this brings us to the
third topic today, which is discomfort.
And it can be very uncomfortable to make decisions when you're
afraid. Ah, I might be wrong.
What if it goes badly? I don't have perfect
information. I don't have perfect resources.
You know, this happens. Also, I'm seeing this now in
hiring. There can be so much fear around
making a hiring decision rather than just deciding, you know
what? Like here are the main
indicators we're looking for and we'll train the rest.
We know this person doesn't have to have perfect experience
because there's no such thing. They don't need a perfect
background that doesn't really exist.
But there are certain, like we have a rubric of things that we
want to identify for and we understand and realize that this
is a relationship that will require some investment.
And like that's what we're actually here for.
That's what we're here to do. And then you make a decision and
you move on and go forward. But that discomfort, especially
when you are rising into a new level of responsibility, it now
can feel like a lot of pressure because it feels like, oh, all
these people are now looking to you.
You might assume you're supposed to have right answers.
You might feel a little insecure about, can I really do this?
Am I really the right person here?
Because I'm not sure. Does that somehow mean, like,
there's something bad about me being in this role rather than
realizing like, Yep, I'm in this role because part of my job is
to make decisions and there is some discomfort.
And I'm OK with that because I know the ground upon which I am
making these decisions. Kind of like in the episode last
week where I talked a bit about strategic failure.
It was that realization of, OK, I am not going to get all of
this done and I am deciding that that's actually fine.
Like, it's not that big a deal. I'm not going to beat myself up
about it. And so there was, you know,
initially the discomfort of the pressure of, oh, I haven't done
everything I said I would get done.
And then coming to that realization of, you know what,
we're going to make a decision then.
Because the nice thing when we do decisions from this place
where we feel grounded and we really trust what we choose and
why, that then allows us to unhook our energy from either
the scramble, the hustle. The overworking, the no
boundaries, and it allows us to pull all that energy back so we
can use it in a more useful way. It ends up giving you back more
time. It gives you more energy because
now you're moving forward. Part of the discomfort you might
also encounter when it comes to making decisions and being
directive is other people might have different opinions.
They might have different judgments about how they would
do it or how they think it should be done.
And so there may be the discomfort of allowing someone
to disagree with you. And I will tell you if you have
had a life experience where other people disagreeing with
you was actually really, really bad.
Like if you have developed this superpower of being able to,
like, turn into a chameleon and adapt yourself to the situation
in order to keep the peace. Like if that's the superpower
that you have cultivated throughout your life, then this
is going to be one of those edges where now it's time to
learn a new skill, now it's time to not over.
What's the word I'm looking for over rely on the skill of making
sure no one is uncomfortable. There is a willingness when we
start to kind of see the big picture where we realize, yeah,
this is going to be a little uncomfortable, and that's OK.
I actually feel really at peace with that, both in our own self.
Like, I'm gonna do this. It's going to be uncomfortable,
but the, you know, the decision and the direction are spot on.
So I'm going to go ahead and do it.
I'm thinking also of a client who recently was spoke on a
panel and she was kind of nervous, you know, to be on
stage and, you know, she was, she was sharing her ideas as a
thought leader with some other really accomplished people.
So a little of her insecurity was starting to flare up.
So she knew, OK, it'll be a little uncomfortable.
But she also knew, oh, I definitely want to be on that
stage. I definitely want to be sharing
my thoughts. And that is in line with the
direction that she wanted for herself and her career.
So, you know, it's like, OK, like that kind of discomfort
sometimes we recognize and we embrace it.
We say, yeah, it's that's the discomfort of growth in this
situation. Sometimes the discomfort is the
willingness to let other people not get their way.
And I'm thinking of, you know, someone I worked with a few
years ago and she had this realization one day and she's
like, you know what? It is not my job to cater to
this person's ego. And they're going to be
uncomfortable with, you know, with when I speak up or when I,
you know, advocate for how I think things should go.
Or I'm going to say something that's going to be hard for them
to hear. And I am willing to let them
have that discomfort because it's based on a solid decision
and it fits with the direction that I am here to, like, guide
us towards. And so it was this really
interesting moment where instead of feeling so worried about, oh,
what if they feel bad? What if they feel disappointed?
You know, it's going to be so uncomfortable if they're
uncomfortable. Instead, it was kind of seeing
that bigger picture and realizing, yeah, that'll
probably happen, but it's OK Like it'll be OK We'll all get
through it, you know, I mean, we all reach that stage at a
different points in our career, in our life, and it just depends
on so many factors. But it's it's definitely a
marker that I see so many people go through, especially when you
genuinely care about others, you know, like also just to say
being a people pleaser in and of itself is not a bad thing.
I think it's great to want to please people.
It's great to want people to be happy.
We just don't want to use that as our guiding light as our
North Star. We want to understand that in
the big picture and we want to make sure that we're not
diminishing yourself in the process or holding back like we
want you to be life-size. We don't want you to be, you
know, smaller than you than you actually are.
We want to make sure that, you know, the decisions you're
making are in line with the direction that you're holding
and that you want to go. And again, you can do all of
this from a place that is grounded and supportive and
collaborative. And that is not about kind of
being domineering or controlling or cold.
Like, you can do this all in a way that that really works with
the humanness of yourself and with others.
So my invitation for you in the coming week is to give some
reflection to the question of direction, decisions and
discomfort. So what is the direction that
you're going? What is the direction you want
your team to go? Is there someone on your team
that you could see needs a little course correction?
Do you need to redirect their effort, their attention, their
energy? Like is there something
happening where maybe some more clear direction will help this
situation? Are there decisions that you
have been avoiding because they are uncomfortable or because you
just feel like you don't know what the right answer is?
I think we do that too when we are faced with uncertainty is
rather than kind of identify the discomfort of uncertainty,
instead we sort of delay and procrastinate and move away from
things, especially around decisions because they can feel
so, you know, like final. And we can sometimes get a
little bit nervous about that. So just notice, like are there
any direct or any decisions that you're avoiding?
Are there any decisions that actually come very easily and
clearly for you? And it might be in a different
situation. Sometimes we we understand
things through different experiences.
So if you feel like in the workplace right now, there's
some kind of decision that feels difficult to make or you feel
reluctant to make, also question, well, where in my life
do I feel like it's actually very easy to make decisions And
I don't put pressure on myself, I don't beat myself up about it.
I don't worry and stay up late. Like start noticing to better
understand yourself in terms of what factors come into play when
you are making decisions. And then lastly look to and
notice where is there discomfort and is there discomfort showing
up. That is a signal of your growth,
that awareness that, Oh yeah, this is uncomfortable, but when
I look at it in the context of my decisions and direction, it
makes sense and I'm going to move towards it anyways.
The more clarity we have about the specific discomfort, the
more we can navigate the uncertainty in a really
grounded, confident way. So that is what I wanted to
share with you today. If you are interested in working
with me, you can do that in two ways.
You can either work with me one-on-one, and that starts by
setting up a consult. That's a conversation we have.
So we get to know each other and I get to hear more about what
you're, you know, what challenges you're facing, what
your goals are. So we can talk about how you
know how together I can help you get there.
Or you can join my group program for new managers and that starts
the next round February 6th. So go to the website or use the
link below to apply to join us. Would love to have you all the
details you'll find on the website itiskimnickel.com and go
to the new managers page for the group program for the one-on-one
console link. You'll see that right on the
main page. And thank you so much for
listening. I will talk to you next time.
Bye. When you're more effective at
work, you're happier in your life.
And when you're happier in your life, you're more effective at
work. I can help.
Go to my website, kimnickel.com and sign up for a coaching
consult. It can get better.