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Welcome to the new manager 
podcast. 

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I'm your host, Kim nickel. 
Hello and welcome. 

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I'm glad you're here and I hope 
you're doing well. 

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If you are new to the show, my 
name is Kim nickel. 

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I'm a professional coach and I 
helped kind ambitious people at 

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the intersection of work and 
life. 

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Especially when you are new to 
managing people or you're simply

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looking for a new way to think 
about it and some new approaches

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to How to Be an Effective. 
Manager and work with people at 

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work today. 
I want to talk about authentic 

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confidence for introverts and 
quiet people and this is a topic

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that I coach on a lot many of my
clients identify as introverts 

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as quiet people as you know 
being very humble and perhaps 

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not feeling very comfortable 
speaking up in a big way and I 

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thought it was time for us. 
Us to talk a little bit more 

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about this I myself am an 
introvert and when I was growing

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up very quiet person read a lot 
of books. 

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I was the kind of person who 
would have one or two very close

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friends and that was it kind of 
kept to myself a bit. 

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So my teachers were always very 
surprised to find that when we 

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had to do a presentation. 
I was often one of the first to 

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raise my hand. 
And get in front of the class to

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read my story or to deliver my 
presentation and people 

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sometimes were confused about 
this, you know, okay, if she's 

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such a quiet kid and yet she's 
the first one to speak up. 

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But in my mind it was very 
simple. 

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I was very confident, very 
certain that I wanted to get it 

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over with because the fear of 
waiting NG and the anxiety of 

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wondering when I would go was 
worse than actually doing it. 

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And then getting to relax and 
enjoy everybody else's 

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presentations and I always liked
to go first because there was no

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one. 
I had to compare myself to. 

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And what I had learned is that, 
if I wait the tension and the 

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anticipation, created more 
anxiety for me. 

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And then, when somebody, 
Delivered, their story, or their

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presentation. 
And if I thought they did really

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good, I'd immediately compare 
myself to them and think. 

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Well, I'm not going to be as 
good as them. 

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I'm not going to be as funny as 
them all. 

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This is now going to be terrible
and it would feel heavier and 

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heavier and heavier. 
So my strategy at that very 

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early age, was raised your hand 
go first, get it over with and 

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then sit back and enjoy the 
show. 

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And so I, you know, I found that
to be very effective. 

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Effective for me. 
And it's helped me to think 

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about confidence in the context 
of what is authentic confidence.

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And by that, I mean it's a form 
of confidence that really feels 

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genuine to who you are and with 
confidence, there are two 

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Dimensions to it as well. 
There is the external part, the 

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presenting part. 
You can also think of this as in

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terms of behaviors. 
So what are the behaviors that 

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you do? 
And then we have the internal 

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part which is how you feel on 
the inside and for the internal 

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part I think of it almost like 
there's a two different dials. 

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And one is the dial of of 
feeling calm and assured and 

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steady and grounded. 
And the other dial is about 

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feeling shaky and anxious, and 
very tense. 

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And so on the inside, Side. 
I always have both as a human, 

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you have both. 
But when that sense of feeling 

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calm and assured and grounded, 
and steady is more than the 

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shaky anxious wobbly part. 
Then the way that I present is 

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really different. 
And I think what I see a lot 

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when people come to me asking 
for guidance and for Coaching on

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confidence, they're initially 
thinking of performative 

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confidence thinking. 
Oh, this other person that I 

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work with present as very 
confident and I'm supposed to be

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like them and I need to present 
in a big way or I need to 

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present in a way, that doesn't 
really feel like me. 

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It feels like I'm putting on a 
performance and for my 

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introverts this comes up when 
you feel much more. 

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At home in a one-on-one 
conversation and much more 

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uncomfortable. 
When you are speaking, too many 

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people or presenting too many 
people. 

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So that's what I want to paint. 
A picture of first is just we 

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have performative confidence, 
which is what we think it's 

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supposed to look like and it 
feeling very uncomfortable and 

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not really a home for us the way
that we project confidence. 

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And through our actions and then
we have what feels authentic to 

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us in our behaviors and what it 
feels like on the inside. 

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Because ultimately, we want our 
experience of confidence to be 

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coherent in that we have both 
where we feel connected to a 

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grounded, stability, internally,
and then when we present or able

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to do it in a way that Is true 
to who you are, as a person, 

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which, by the way, makes then 
your flavor and style of 

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confidence, even more powerful, 
because it really is yours that 

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something that you own, and it's
not something that you are 

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pretending to, or that you are 
putting on as a performance. 

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So, here's where I want us to 
begin. 

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Number one, when you are 
questioning Your confidence, ask

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yourself upon what basis. 
Do you want your confidence to 

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rest or another way to think of 
it? 

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What is the foundation for your 
confidence? 

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And in the workplace I see often
people will place it on, either 

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I have done this before and so I
feel confident in my abilities 

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because this is something I've 
done before and this gets 

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tricky. 
When you are in a position where

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you're doing something new, when
you become a manager and you've 

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never managed people before, 
you've never given hard feedback

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before, you've never had to 
manage a high potential person 

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before who's perhaps feeling 
bored or stuck or resentful that

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their talent. 
Has it been recognized, right? 

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You have never been in that 
position before and so 

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confidence can feel shaky when 
it's based on. 

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This thought of I've done this 
before therefore I can be 

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confident the other place. 
I see people try to put their 

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confidence on as a foundation is
in being right? 

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I have perfect accurate 
information I feel right about 

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this and that means that nobody 
can challenge me. 

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I'm uncomfortable about being 
challenged so I want to make 

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sure that I'm right. 
This also shows up when we think

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I feel confident that I will Not
make a mistake and that fear of 

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making a mistake WIll flare up 
the insecurity. 

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And when we think, okay, I am 
not going to make a mistake. 

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We either think that because we 
say to ourselves, oh, I've done 

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this before. 
So I know how to do this. 

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So I have high certainty that I 
will do this in the correct way 

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or we say, oh, I have done all 
the research I have. 

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Prepared thoroughly. 
I have gotten accurate perfect 

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information and so because of 
that, I will feel certain that I

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will not make a mistake and It's
Tricky, right? 

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Because when we are promoted 
into a leadership role, and into

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a manager role, that's often 
because you have been recognized

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as someone who performs at a 
high level and is ready for this

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new level of responsibility. 
So, there's a feeling of Well, 

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if they believed in me, and they
see me as this high-performing 

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person now, I really am afraid 
to make a mistake because I 

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don't want to prove them wrong 
or I think, oh, if I'm in this 

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role, it must be because I am 
supposed to be good at this even

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if I've never done it before. 
And so we start to feel more 

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pressure, we start to feel like 
there's more at stake and it's 

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interesting. 
To remember that even if let's 

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just say that you had perfect 
information, you knew everything

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correctly and you done it, you 
know, a thousand times before 

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depending on the context that 
can amplify your anxiety and 

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your uncertainty and make you 
feel shaky, which can then 

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create a mistake or an error. 
And as an example, you have 

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probably poured yourself a glass
of water You know, a thousand 

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million times, you can do that, 
no problem. 

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But if you had to do it in front
of 2000, people on a stage with 

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bright lights and everyone 
paying attention. 

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And the people that you cared 
most about were watching you all

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of a sudden that might feel like
pressure and you might shake a 

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little bit. 
Not because of your knowledge or

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because of your experience. 
But because the The context is 

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new and you now feel that 
shakiness that insecurities that

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fear of what if I mess up and 
everybody sees as one quick 

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story about this as I Was 
preparing this episode I was 

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thinking back to a time I was 13
years old and I you know 13 

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years old. 
I feel like we're all a little 

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awkward different kinds of ways 
and for me I was 13 years old 

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and I was starting these Tennis 
lessons and I was excited for 

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the tennis lessons but I was 
also nervous about the other 

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kids and I was hoping that I 
would be okay, I didn't want to 

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be the best but I don't want to 
be the worst. 

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I just wanted to be in the 
middle, you know, I didn't want 

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to stand out and I also was just
a little bit worried about what 

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I have, any friends, and all of 
this. 

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And on the first day, the tennis
instructor is, you know, meeting

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all of the students and He asks 
me, do you know how old are you?

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And I was so nervous and I said 
12 and he's like okay and then 

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he went and talked to the next 
kid and I thought oh why did I 

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say that? 
I'm not 12. 

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I'm 13. 
Oh my gosh, she's going to think

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I'm stupid. 
Why did I say that? 

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It, that wasn't the right 
answer? 

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I know that answer. 
That was such an easy question 

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and it was this terrible feeling
inside. 

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Of what just happened? 
Why did I mess up? 

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And when I think back on it now 
it's just oh right it's not that

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I didn't know the answer but the
context was such that I was 

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feeling anxious. 
I was feeling a little shaky 

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inside and so I said the age 
that I used to be which I'd had 

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a lot more practice saying 
because I had been 12 for an 

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entire year and I had not been 
13 for very long and so it just 

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is an example of I mean, when I 
say the context, can amplify the

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shaky feeling that we have 
inside. 

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And so when we're thinking 
about, what does my confidence 

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rest on it becomes precarious. 
When we only rest our confidence

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on our past experience, on our 
sense that I have done this 

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before, On the idea of having 
perfect information and being 

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fully prepared and researched so
that I won't make a mistake that

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becomes a very tricky place to 
rest our confidence on. 

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So instead, if we're not going 
to base our confidence on that, 

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If we're not going to be as her 
confidence on, not making a 

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mistake. 
Oh, and also. 

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So if you have any perfectionist
Tendencies, then that will also 

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connect to the question of, 
where do you base your 

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confidence on? 
Because you'll probably want 

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things to be perfect. 
Before you let yourself feel 

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confident if you have any 
tendency of people, pleasing, 

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and specifically your sense of 
being, okay? 

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Is dependent upon Emotions of 
the humans around you so you're 

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always trying to manage the 
emotions of other people which 

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is a whole thing for us to work 
on together. 

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But that's also a tree very, 
very tricky place to base your 

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confidence on because then you 
are waiting for other people's 

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emotions to tell you or to 
signal to you whether or not, 

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you can feel confident. 
And this is exhausting And 

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draining because you'll spend 
all your time in advance, trying

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to predict what emotion will 
this other person or will these 

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people have about what you are 
going to say and so it 

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interferes with your ability, 
number one, to actually feel 

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confident. 
And then to it drains, all of 

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that energy. 
So then you end up feeling very 

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exhausted and have less internal
resources to show up, feeling, 

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calm, and assured. 
Less of the emotions of the 

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other people. 
So instead what I like to offer 

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as the ground upon which your 
confidence rests number one 

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Clarity of purpose. 
Why am I here? 

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And what happens when you think 
about Clarity of purpose and you

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answer that question, why am I 
here? 

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You start to think about your 
role, your responsibility? 

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What it is that you are there to
do and that sense of purpose 

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unhooks from the self judgement 
and the self evaluation of, what

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if I've never done this before. 
So what do you have Clarity a 

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purpose about why you are here? 
And what is your responsibility?

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What is your role in this 
situation, again? 

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When you start to feel shaky, or
anxious wondering? 

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If what if this person 
challenges me, or what if this 

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person doesn't like what I have 
to say. 

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So what, when you anchor 
yourself into that Clarity of 

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purpose, it allows you to 
breathe a little bit. 

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Because then you say, even if I 
make a mistake, someone 

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challenges me, someone is in a 
bad mood. 

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I don't like what I say. 
It's okay because I am clear 

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about why I am here and what my 
purpose and my role is so 

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instead of focusing on yourself 
and in judgment and an even 

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instead of focusing on other 
people and trying to anticipate 

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their reactions, it really 
allows you to find this kind of 

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quiet grounded place of this is 
my purpose. 

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This is my intention and you can
find certainty. 

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At and often when we're trying 
to feel confident, what's under?

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That is a desire to feel 
certain, I want to feel certain 

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about something that matters, 
right? 

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So the other thing that helps 
when you're looking for 

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confidence and you're doing 
something you've never done 

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before, maybe you don't have 
perfect information and maybe 

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the people you'll be presenting 
to our, maybe not the easiest 

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thing. 
People to work with. 

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You can also rest your 
confidence in being clear about 

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who you are. 
So for example, you might remind

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yourself. 
I am good at learning. 

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That is who I am. 
I am good at learning and so, 

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you know, I know why I'm here. 
And I am good at learning so I 

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can learn what I need to in 
order to go forward or I am good

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at learning and this is going to
be a learning experience. 

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Hence and it might be 
uncomfortable. 

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So it's a good thing that I know
I'm good at learning and you can

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rest in that certainty. 
The third thing is that it helps

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to remember process over 
Perfection and this connects to 

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both a sense of purpose, right? 
Like why am I here and to remind

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yourself oh I'm here to get 
better at something. 

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I'm here to be a courageous 
voice, you know to advocate for 

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One, the sense of I'm here for 
process, not for Perfection can 

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help to give you that context, 
where it allows you to rest in 

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the certainty that imperfection 
is actually not a problem. 

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And it's not even the point and 
that sense to of who you are as 

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a person that alignment to 
process over Perfection. 

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So I'm good at learning. 
I am going to be courageous in 

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this moment. 
Because Perfection is not the 

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goal process or progress is the 
goal here. 

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So you get to recalibrate and 
choose for yourself where you're

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going to find that certainty. 
And what's great is that that 

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when we Source our confidence, 
from those places from purpose, 

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from clarity, about who you are 
from, reminding yourself to 

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focus on process over 
Perfection. 

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Those are Ideas and qualities 
that you hold within yourself, 

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meaning it doesn't matter what 
else is happening outside. 

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You really can anchor into and 
lean on those Concepts, those 

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ideas. 
And when you do that allows you 

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access to another perspective 
that I have found to be 

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incredibly value in my 
experience as a human who works 

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and encounters other humans, 
which is this idea that My 

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safety is never in question. 
My safety is never in question 

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and when you can think that and 
really believe it find a place 

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where even though my insecurity 
is flared up, even though I feel

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shaky on the inside, my safety 
is never in question because I 

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know my clarity of purpose. 
I know why I'm here, I know who 

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I am. 
I know. 

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Who I am in this moment, it 
allows us to feel a little more 

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safety on the inside. 
That is not dependent upon 

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Perfection or performative - it 
allows you to dial up that 

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internal certainty a little bit 
and allows that internal 

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shakiness or that anxiety. 
The part of you, that's gotten a

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bit activated with some Here and
insecurity. 

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It allows that part to still be 
there but I think of it like you

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put a little blanket on it and 
you tuck it in a basket and then

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that brave loving purposeful 
part of you carries the fear and

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insecurity with confidence in a 
little basket. 

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And what's cool is when you're 
able to do this, it feels so 

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good because you're not trying 
to talk yourself into something.

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You don't believe right? 
Like oh, I'm confident I'm 

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really not it. 
Really does allow you to Source 

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a genuine authentic confidence. 
That feels deeply true to who 

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you are and it doesn't require 
or depend upon everything going 

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your way. 
It doesn't require you to be 

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perfect at anything. 
It really simply invites you to 

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be present and to reconnect, 
with something deeply true, and 

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authentic about who you are. 
And that kind of confidence is 

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so powerful because you're not 
Faking It You're not pretending,

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it really is genuine and I find 
that this works. 

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So beautifully for anyone who 
feels like an introvert, who 

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identifies as a quiet person. 
And when you receive the 

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feedback from someone that you 
work with saying, you know, we'd

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really like to see you. 
Develop your confidence. 

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Right often the first place we 
go to. 

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When we get that feedback is, we
think I have to be performative,

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Lee, confident, and that doesn't
feel good and it doesn't, you 

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know, it doesn't really become 
sticky. 

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We have to work so hard at that 
rather than thinking. 

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Okay, I need to source and be 
very clear about what is the 

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foundation upon, which my 
confidence will rest, so that 

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you can show up in a way that is
genuinely authentically. 

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To you, and it becomes valuable 
and personal, and genuine and 

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meaningful, and it takes less 
energy. 

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It takes a lot of energy to 
perform kind of outside of your 

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outside of your comfort zone. 
There's a time and a place for 

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that and it's wonderful to be 
able to choose that when you 

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need it but you really don't 
want to build your career there 

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00:23:04,500 --> 00:23:07,100
because it's too expensive. 
Energetically. 

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I mean just It cost too much. 
So what's better is when you 

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acknowledge and say, yeah, I am 
an introvert, I am a quiet. 

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Humble person, I love this about
me, and I'm going to now, look 

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00:23:18,500 --> 00:23:21,200
at how do I Source my 
confidence? 

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What is it resting upon and 
being very intentional about 

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cultivating that authentic 
confidence. 

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This is a topic I love to coach 
on because it comes up a lot as 

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you rise up into Higher levels 
of visibility where things feel 

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00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:43,200
like perhaps they're more at 
stake and you might need some 

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00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:46,200
new ways to approach and think 
about this topic. 

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So if this is something that you
want to work on that is 

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something I can help you with. 
And the way to get started is to

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book. 
A consult you'll find a link in 

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00:23:58,300 --> 00:24:01,100
the show notes to my calendar, 
find a time, we'll talk about 

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00:24:01,100 --> 00:24:03,400
it. 
Because when you start really 

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00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:07,500
tapping into this and learning 
how to use this for yourself, 

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00:24:08,100 --> 00:24:12,900
You'll have so much energy for 
so many other things so that is 

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what I wanted to share with you 
and leave with you today. 

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I want to give you a virtual 
high fives for all of my 

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00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:20,500
introverts for all of my quiet 
people. 

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00:24:20,500 --> 00:24:25,800
I see you, I feel you, I am with
you and if you are a person who 

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00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:29,500
is like, oh actually I'm very 
comfortable being, you know, 

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very, very extroverted. 
That is awesome to I high-five 

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00:24:34,300 --> 00:24:40,000
you for this as well and we can 
still I'll do the work on what 

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you ground your confidence in. 
So it becomes truly unshakable 

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as you continue to grow. 
All right? 

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Thank you so much for listening 
and I will talk to you next 

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time. 
Hey before you go if you like 

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00:24:58,300 --> 00:25:00,800
this podcast, please leave a 
review. 

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00:25:01,200 --> 00:25:04,700
Tell me why you listen and what 
has helped you? 

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Thanks so much. 
I'll see you next time.