Welcome to the new manager podcast.
I'm your host, Kim nickel. Hello and welcome.
I'm glad you're here and I hope you're doing well.
If you are new to the show, my name is Kim nickel.
I'm a professional coach and I helped kind ambitious people at
the intersection of work and life.
Especially when you are new to managing people or you're simply
looking for a new way to think about it and some new approaches
to How to Be an Effective. Manager and work with people at
work today. I want to talk about authentic
confidence for introverts and quiet people and this is a topic
that I coach on a lot many of my clients identify as introverts
as quiet people as you know being very humble and perhaps
not feeling very comfortable speaking up in a big way and I
thought it was time for us. Us to talk a little bit more
about this I myself am an introvert and when I was growing
up very quiet person read a lot of books.
I was the kind of person who would have one or two very close
friends and that was it kind of kept to myself a bit.
So my teachers were always very surprised to find that when we
had to do a presentation. I was often one of the first to
raise my hand. And get in front of the class to
read my story or to deliver my presentation and people
sometimes were confused about this, you know, okay, if she's
such a quiet kid and yet she's the first one to speak up.
But in my mind it was very simple.
I was very confident, very certain that I wanted to get it
over with because the fear of waiting NG and the anxiety of
wondering when I would go was worse than actually doing it.
And then getting to relax and enjoy everybody else's
presentations and I always liked to go first because there was no
one. I had to compare myself to.
And what I had learned is that, if I wait the tension and the
anticipation, created more anxiety for me.
And then, when somebody, Delivered, their story, or their
presentation. And if I thought they did really
good, I'd immediately compare myself to them and think.
Well, I'm not going to be as good as them.
I'm not going to be as funny as them all.
This is now going to be terrible and it would feel heavier and
heavier and heavier. So my strategy at that very
early age, was raised your hand go first, get it over with and
then sit back and enjoy the show.
And so I, you know, I found that to be very effective.
Effective for me. And it's helped me to think
about confidence in the context of what is authentic confidence.
And by that, I mean it's a form of confidence that really feels
genuine to who you are and with confidence, there are two
Dimensions to it as well. There is the external part, the
presenting part. You can also think of this as in
terms of behaviors. So what are the behaviors that
you do? And then we have the internal
part which is how you feel on the inside and for the internal
part I think of it almost like there's a two different dials.
And one is the dial of of feeling calm and assured and
steady and grounded. And the other dial is about
feeling shaky and anxious, and very tense.
And so on the inside, Side. I always have both as a human,
you have both. But when that sense of feeling
calm and assured and grounded, and steady is more than the
shaky anxious wobbly part. Then the way that I present is
really different. And I think what I see a lot
when people come to me asking for guidance and for Coaching on
confidence, they're initially thinking of performative
confidence thinking. Oh, this other person that I
work with present as very confident and I'm supposed to be
like them and I need to present in a big way or I need to
present in a way, that doesn't really feel like me.
It feels like I'm putting on a performance and for my
introverts this comes up when you feel much more.
At home in a one-on-one conversation and much more
uncomfortable. When you are speaking, too many
people or presenting too many people.
So that's what I want to paint. A picture of first is just we
have performative confidence, which is what we think it's
supposed to look like and it feeling very uncomfortable and
not really a home for us the way that we project confidence.
And through our actions and then we have what feels authentic to
us in our behaviors and what it feels like on the inside.
Because ultimately, we want our experience of confidence to be
coherent in that we have both where we feel connected to a
grounded, stability, internally, and then when we present or able
to do it in a way that Is true to who you are, as a person,
which, by the way, makes then your flavor and style of
confidence, even more powerful, because it really is yours that
something that you own, and it's not something that you are
pretending to, or that you are putting on as a performance.
So, here's where I want us to begin.
Number one, when you are questioning Your confidence, ask
yourself upon what basis. Do you want your confidence to
rest or another way to think of it?
What is the foundation for your confidence?
And in the workplace I see often people will place it on, either
I have done this before and so I feel confident in my abilities
because this is something I've done before and this gets
tricky. When you are in a position where
you're doing something new, when you become a manager and you've
never managed people before, you've never given hard feedback
before, you've never had to manage a high potential person
before who's perhaps feeling bored or stuck or resentful that
their talent. Has it been recognized, right?
You have never been in that position before and so
confidence can feel shaky when it's based on.
This thought of I've done this before therefore I can be
confident the other place. I see people try to put their
confidence on as a foundation is in being right?
I have perfect accurate information I feel right about
this and that means that nobody can challenge me.
I'm uncomfortable about being challenged so I want to make
sure that I'm right. This also shows up when we think
I feel confident that I will Not make a mistake and that fear of
making a mistake WIll flare up the insecurity.
And when we think, okay, I am not going to make a mistake.
We either think that because we say to ourselves, oh, I've done
this before. So I know how to do this.
So I have high certainty that I will do this in the correct way
or we say, oh, I have done all the research I have.
Prepared thoroughly. I have gotten accurate perfect
information and so because of that, I will feel certain that I
will not make a mistake and It's Tricky, right?
Because when we are promoted into a leadership role, and into
a manager role, that's often because you have been recognized
as someone who performs at a high level and is ready for this
new level of responsibility. So, there's a feeling of Well,
if they believed in me, and they see me as this high-performing
person now, I really am afraid to make a mistake because I
don't want to prove them wrong or I think, oh, if I'm in this
role, it must be because I am supposed to be good at this even
if I've never done it before. And so we start to feel more
pressure, we start to feel like there's more at stake and it's
interesting. To remember that even if let's
just say that you had perfect information, you knew everything
correctly and you done it, you know, a thousand times before
depending on the context that can amplify your anxiety and
your uncertainty and make you feel shaky, which can then
create a mistake or an error. And as an example, you have
probably poured yourself a glass of water You know, a thousand
million times, you can do that, no problem.
But if you had to do it in front of 2000, people on a stage with
bright lights and everyone paying attention.
And the people that you cared most about were watching you all
of a sudden that might feel like pressure and you might shake a
little bit. Not because of your knowledge or
because of your experience. But because the The context is
new and you now feel that shakiness that insecurities that
fear of what if I mess up and everybody sees as one quick
story about this as I Was preparing this episode I was
thinking back to a time I was 13 years old and I you know 13
years old. I feel like we're all a little
awkward different kinds of ways and for me I was 13 years old
and I was starting these Tennis lessons and I was excited for
the tennis lessons but I was also nervous about the other
kids and I was hoping that I would be okay, I didn't want to
be the best but I don't want to be the worst.
I just wanted to be in the middle, you know, I didn't want
to stand out and I also was just a little bit worried about what
I have, any friends, and all of this.
And on the first day, the tennis instructor is, you know, meeting
all of the students and He asks me, do you know how old are you?
And I was so nervous and I said 12 and he's like okay and then
he went and talked to the next kid and I thought oh why did I
say that? I'm not 12.
I'm 13. Oh my gosh, she's going to think
I'm stupid. Why did I say that?
It, that wasn't the right answer?
I know that answer. That was such an easy question
and it was this terrible feeling inside.
Of what just happened? Why did I mess up?
And when I think back on it now it's just oh right it's not that
I didn't know the answer but the context was such that I was
feeling anxious. I was feeling a little shaky
inside and so I said the age that I used to be which I'd had
a lot more practice saying because I had been 12 for an
entire year and I had not been 13 for very long and so it just
is an example of I mean, when I say the context, can amplify the
shaky feeling that we have inside.
And so when we're thinking about, what does my confidence
rest on it becomes precarious. When we only rest our confidence
on our past experience, on our sense that I have done this
before, On the idea of having perfect information and being
fully prepared and researched so that I won't make a mistake that
becomes a very tricky place to rest our confidence on.
So instead, if we're not going to base our confidence on that,
If we're not going to be as her confidence on, not making a
mistake. Oh, and also.
So if you have any perfectionist Tendencies, then that will also
connect to the question of, where do you base your
confidence on? Because you'll probably want
things to be perfect. Before you let yourself feel
confident if you have any tendency of people, pleasing,
and specifically your sense of being, okay?
Is dependent upon Emotions of the humans around you so you're
always trying to manage the emotions of other people which
is a whole thing for us to work on together.
But that's also a tree very, very tricky place to base your
confidence on because then you are waiting for other people's
emotions to tell you or to signal to you whether or not,
you can feel confident. And this is exhausting And
draining because you'll spend all your time in advance, trying
to predict what emotion will this other person or will these
people have about what you are going to say and so it
interferes with your ability, number one, to actually feel
confident. And then to it drains, all of
that energy. So then you end up feeling very
exhausted and have less internal resources to show up, feeling,
calm, and assured. Less of the emotions of the
other people. So instead what I like to offer
as the ground upon which your confidence rests number one
Clarity of purpose. Why am I here?
And what happens when you think about Clarity of purpose and you
answer that question, why am I here?
You start to think about your role, your responsibility?
What it is that you are there to do and that sense of purpose
unhooks from the self judgement and the self evaluation of, what
if I've never done this before. So what do you have Clarity a
purpose about why you are here? And what is your responsibility?
What is your role in this situation, again?
When you start to feel shaky, or anxious wondering?
If what if this person challenges me, or what if this
person doesn't like what I have to say.
So what, when you anchor yourself into that Clarity of
purpose, it allows you to breathe a little bit.
Because then you say, even if I make a mistake, someone
challenges me, someone is in a bad mood.
I don't like what I say. It's okay because I am clear
about why I am here and what my purpose and my role is so
instead of focusing on yourself and in judgment and an even
instead of focusing on other people and trying to anticipate
their reactions, it really allows you to find this kind of
quiet grounded place of this is my purpose.
This is my intention and you can find certainty.
At and often when we're trying to feel confident, what's under?
That is a desire to feel certain, I want to feel certain
about something that matters, right?
So the other thing that helps when you're looking for
confidence and you're doing something you've never done
before, maybe you don't have perfect information and maybe
the people you'll be presenting to our, maybe not the easiest
thing. People to work with.
You can also rest your confidence in being clear about
who you are. So for example, you might remind
yourself. I am good at learning.
That is who I am. I am good at learning and so,
you know, I know why I'm here. And I am good at learning so I
can learn what I need to in order to go forward or I am good
at learning and this is going to be a learning experience.
Hence and it might be uncomfortable.
So it's a good thing that I know I'm good at learning and you can
rest in that certainty. The third thing is that it helps
to remember process over Perfection and this connects to
both a sense of purpose, right? Like why am I here and to remind
yourself oh I'm here to get better at something.
I'm here to be a courageous voice, you know to advocate for
One, the sense of I'm here for process, not for Perfection can
help to give you that context, where it allows you to rest in
the certainty that imperfection is actually not a problem.
And it's not even the point and that sense to of who you are as
a person that alignment to process over Perfection.
So I'm good at learning. I am going to be courageous in
this moment. Because Perfection is not the
goal process or progress is the goal here.
So you get to recalibrate and choose for yourself where you're
going to find that certainty. And what's great is that that
when we Source our confidence, from those places from purpose,
from clarity, about who you are from, reminding yourself to
focus on process over Perfection.
Those are Ideas and qualities that you hold within yourself,
meaning it doesn't matter what else is happening outside.
You really can anchor into and lean on those Concepts, those
ideas. And when you do that allows you
access to another perspective that I have found to be
incredibly value in my experience as a human who works
and encounters other humans, which is this idea that My
safety is never in question. My safety is never in question
and when you can think that and really believe it find a place
where even though my insecurity is flared up, even though I feel
shaky on the inside, my safety is never in question because I
know my clarity of purpose. I know why I'm here, I know who
I am. I know.
Who I am in this moment, it allows us to feel a little more
safety on the inside. That is not dependent upon
Perfection or performative - it allows you to dial up that
internal certainty a little bit and allows that internal
shakiness or that anxiety. The part of you, that's gotten a
bit activated with some Here and insecurity.
It allows that part to still be there but I think of it like you
put a little blanket on it and you tuck it in a basket and then
that brave loving purposeful part of you carries the fear and
insecurity with confidence in a little basket.
And what's cool is when you're able to do this, it feels so
good because you're not trying to talk yourself into something.
You don't believe right? Like oh, I'm confident I'm
really not it. Really does allow you to Source
a genuine authentic confidence. That feels deeply true to who
you are and it doesn't require or depend upon everything going
your way. It doesn't require you to be
perfect at anything. It really simply invites you to
be present and to reconnect, with something deeply true, and
authentic about who you are. And that kind of confidence is
so powerful because you're not Faking It You're not pretending,
it really is genuine and I find that this works.
So beautifully for anyone who feels like an introvert, who
identifies as a quiet person. And when you receive the
feedback from someone that you work with saying, you know, we'd
really like to see you. Develop your confidence.
Right often the first place we go to.
When we get that feedback is, we think I have to be performative,
Lee, confident, and that doesn't feel good and it doesn't, you
know, it doesn't really become sticky.
We have to work so hard at that rather than thinking.
Okay, I need to source and be very clear about what is the
foundation upon, which my confidence will rest, so that
you can show up in a way that is genuinely authentically.
To you, and it becomes valuable and personal, and genuine and
meaningful, and it takes less energy.
It takes a lot of energy to perform kind of outside of your
outside of your comfort zone. There's a time and a place for
that and it's wonderful to be able to choose that when you
need it but you really don't want to build your career there
because it's too expensive. Energetically.
I mean just It cost too much. So what's better is when you
acknowledge and say, yeah, I am an introvert, I am a quiet.
Humble person, I love this about me, and I'm going to now, look
at how do I Source my confidence?
What is it resting upon and being very intentional about
cultivating that authentic confidence.
This is a topic I love to coach on because it comes up a lot as
you rise up into Higher levels of visibility where things feel
like perhaps they're more at stake and you might need some
new ways to approach and think about this topic.
So if this is something that you want to work on that is
something I can help you with. And the way to get started is to
book. A consult you'll find a link in
the show notes to my calendar, find a time, we'll talk about
it. Because when you start really
tapping into this and learning how to use this for yourself,
You'll have so much energy for so many other things so that is
what I wanted to share with you and leave with you today.
I want to give you a virtual high fives for all of my
introverts for all of my quiet people.
I see you, I feel you, I am with you and if you are a person who
is like, oh actually I'm very comfortable being, you know,
very, very extroverted. That is awesome to I high-five
you for this as well and we can still I'll do the work on what
you ground your confidence in. So it becomes truly unshakable
as you continue to grow. All right?
Thank you so much for listening and I will talk to you next
time. Hey before you go if you like
this podcast, please leave a review.
Tell me why you listen and what has helped you?
Thanks so much. I'll see you next time.