1 00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:07,600 Welcome to the new manager podcast. 2 00:00:07,700 --> 00:00:16,300 I'm your host, Kim nickel. Hello and welcome. 3 00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:18,800 I'm glad you're here and I hope you're doing well. 4 00:00:19,100 --> 00:00:24,900 So I don't know about you, but I feel like my level of social 5 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:29,600 awkwardness and social anxiety has gone up a little bit in the 6 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:32,900 last three years. And I feel like I'm having to 7 00:00:32,900 --> 00:00:36,600 relearn how to socialize with people again. 8 00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:42,200 Especially people, I don't know, like, at meetups or Networking 9 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:44,800 events or, you know, these kinds of things. 10 00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:48,900 And so one of the challenges I've set for myself as there are 11 00:00:48,900 --> 00:00:50,700 more of these events starting to happen. 12 00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:56,000 Now where I live is to look for events that I think would be 13 00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:59,500 interesting where I can learn something and also have 14 00:00:59,500 --> 00:01:04,300 conversations with people and I found such an event and it was 15 00:01:04,500 --> 00:01:07,100 amazing. So I wanted to tell you about it 16 00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:10,900 and also to encourage you if you're also feeling the little 17 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:14,300 Only awkward or a little bit of social anxiety. 18 00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:16,900 That is okay. That is part of the human 19 00:01:16,900 --> 00:01:20,900 experience. And, you know, we can work with 20 00:01:20,900 --> 00:01:22,700 that. It's not a problem, just 21 00:01:22,700 --> 00:01:26,000 something we become aware of and then can make some supportive 22 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:29,600 decisions around. So the event I attended last 23 00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:35,600 week is was hosted by lesbians who Tech and allies and I share 24 00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:40,500 this because I am not a lesbian, but I am an ally and some of my 25 00:01:40,500 --> 00:01:43,700 clients Sark. We're and some of my clients 26 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:46,300 have people on their team who are queer. 27 00:01:46,300 --> 00:01:49,800 And so they wanted to attend this event because it was about 28 00:01:49,800 --> 00:01:54,800 work and there were a lot of really fantastic speakers and 29 00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:58,400 there was an in-person event, not what part of the content was 30 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:02,000 online which is great that part of it was in person. 31 00:02:02,300 --> 00:02:05,300 Oh and the other interesting thing is I don't work in Tech. 32 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:09,900 I did a little bit I don't now and actually most of my clients 33 00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:12,800 are not in Tech most. The clients are in different 34 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:18,700 Industries but there were some great talks about things that 35 00:02:18,700 --> 00:02:21,200 just had to do with the workplace that weren't about 36 00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:24,600 tuck at all. So anyway, I attended this event 37 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:28,300 online and then they had this in person component and I was 38 00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:31,100 feeling a little bit nervous because, you know, again 39 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:35,500 socializing with people, I don't know, I am a bit of an 40 00:02:35,500 --> 00:02:39,300 introvert. So while I really enjoy my 41 00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:43,900 one-on-one coaching calls As or even the group programs, that I 42 00:02:43,900 --> 00:02:48,100 facilitate being in person amongst strangers is still, 43 00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:50,600 sometimes something I have to practice at. 44 00:02:50,600 --> 00:02:54,100 So, one of my favorite questions I decided in advance. 45 00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:58,500 You know, what do I want to ask people as a way of starting 46 00:02:58,500 --> 00:03:03,800 conversations and connecting with folks because Pro tip, if 47 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:07,200 you know, you will be in a situation where you will be 48 00:03:07,200 --> 00:03:11,200 socializing with people that you don't really know or that you 49 00:03:11,300 --> 00:03:17,300 No, at all, it helps to come prepared with a question to ask, 50 00:03:17,300 --> 00:03:19,400 especially, if you are an introvert. 51 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:24,400 If you are asking a question, then the other person will start 52 00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:28,400 by doing most of the talking and you can also think of it as a 53 00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:32,300 service because if they are an introvert and they haven't 54 00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:36,300 prepared, they might also not feel exactly comfortable knowing 55 00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:41,000 how to open a conversation with someone that they have just met. 56 00:03:41,300 --> 00:03:46,100 So the question that I brought to this event that I asked 57 00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:50,800 people about was I said, tell me about the best manager you ever 58 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:53,800 had. And it was so interesting 59 00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:56,800 because you could see people would light up. 60 00:03:56,800 --> 00:03:59,800 They think about it and say, oh my gosh, I have this one 61 00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:03,600 manager, they were so great and they would share the story of 62 00:04:03,608 --> 00:04:06,400 why they were great. And I started to notice a theme 63 00:04:06,400 --> 00:04:10,400 among all of the different people that I talked with the 64 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:13,900 thing that people, People mentioned the most was some 65 00:04:13,900 --> 00:04:17,899 version of my manager had my back. 66 00:04:18,500 --> 00:04:22,500 My manager cared about me as a person. 67 00:04:23,500 --> 00:04:27,600 One specific example, they said, you know, the my manager really 68 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:31,800 protected the team and advocated for us because in the 69 00:04:31,808 --> 00:04:35,600 organization leadership, didn't really understand what we were 70 00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:37,300 doing. They didn't really understand 71 00:04:37,300 --> 00:04:39,900 our work. And so sometimes people would 72 00:04:39,900 --> 00:04:43,600 question the James we made in the way that we did our work and 73 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:48,200 my manager would always support us would back us up and would 74 00:04:48,200 --> 00:04:51,700 help explain the work. We were doing to the people that 75 00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:55,800 didn't understand it, they would advocate for us, I loved that 76 00:04:56,100 --> 00:05:00,400 another example someone shared was they said that they you know 77 00:05:00,407 --> 00:05:03,100 had started in a certain position in a company pretty 78 00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:07,000 early in their career and as they learned more they realized 79 00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:09,800 I don't really like what I'm doing here. 80 00:05:09,900 --> 00:05:13,200 I'm really interested in That team is doing over there, the 81 00:05:13,207 --> 00:05:17,400 slightly different function and they talk to their manager about 82 00:05:17,400 --> 00:05:19,100 this. And the manager was really 83 00:05:19,100 --> 00:05:22,500 supportive saying, okay, great, let's figure out what can I do 84 00:05:22,500 --> 00:05:25,700 to support you in transitioning to that other team? 85 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:28,500 What kind of work projects do you want to be working on? 86 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:30,700 What are the skills you'll need to develop? 87 00:05:30,700 --> 00:05:36,600 How can I support you in getting into the position that you want 88 00:05:36,600 --> 00:05:39,400 to be in? And I think on a higher level, 89 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:42,800 it is just helpful. When you are a manager to 90 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:47,000 remember, the goal is not to keep people forever. 91 00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,000 That is not what we're trying to do here. 92 00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:52,300 We want to understand, of course, there will come a time 93 00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:56,200 when we no longer work together. Either, this person will go on 94 00:05:56,200 --> 00:05:58,900 to a different company. They might get promoted 95 00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:01,400 internally. They are, you might get promoted 96 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:05,100 internally or you might go to another company, or they might 97 00:06:05,100 --> 00:06:09,000 move within the organization to a different role. 98 00:06:09,500 --> 00:06:14,200 And so if you have that, Mind and part of this idea is we want 99 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:18,700 to create a valuable and effective experience while we're 100 00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:23,200 here as long as we're working together let's make it good and 101 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:28,500 knowing that people will eventually leave how do you want 102 00:06:28,500 --> 00:06:31,000 to do that? How do you want to work with 103 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:34,600 someone while they're here? I think that's also valuable 104 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:38,900 because you want to have a sense in your own mind about what your 105 00:06:38,900 --> 00:06:42,800 staffing needs will be so, If you're already in conversation 106 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:45,400 with the people on your team, about their professional 107 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:49,300 development about their career goals, then you can also be a 108 00:06:49,300 --> 00:06:53,200 little bit more prepared and a little more proactive around 109 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:57,100 your thoughts about hiring and thinking about, you know, who, 110 00:06:57,100 --> 00:06:59,200 what have you know, what are the skills or what are the what are 111 00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:04,400 the characteristics, and the experience of who you will want 112 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:07,000 to hire, when you need to replace this person? 113 00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:10,800 You'll also start thinking in terms of what documentation do 114 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:13,600 we. Need to be sure that we have if 115 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:18,000 you are relying on one specific person and you are kind of 116 00:07:18,300 --> 00:07:21,600 banking on them being there and never leaving because they have 117 00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:24,700 so much organizational knowledge, that's a really tough 118 00:07:24,700 --> 00:07:27,900 place for you to be in and for that person to be in. 119 00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:30,900 Instead you want to be thinking of there may come a day when 120 00:07:30,900 --> 00:07:32,900 this person doesn't want to be here anymore. 121 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:38,000 So how can I be sure that as an organization and as a team we 122 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:41,100 will be prepared if and when that happens. 123 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:43,200 Ends. So it will get you to think a 124 00:07:43,200 --> 00:07:46,800 little bit more long-term a little bit strategically and 125 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:51,500 also make it feel less, you know, scary or unprepared, if 126 00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:53,900 someone suddenly puts in their two weeks notice. 127 00:07:53,900 --> 00:07:55,800 And you're like, wow, I had no idea. 128 00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:59,700 I could be a hard place to be. So all of those thoughts 129 00:07:59,700 --> 00:08:03,800 inspired by this event and I wanted to share it with you. 130 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:08,200 Also, number one to encourage you to attend events and 131 00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:11,100 conversations that will help you to think differently. 132 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:14,900 Leanne expansively and creatively about your work and 133 00:08:14,900 --> 00:08:17,800 your career, especially around managing people. 134 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:23,000 And this question of, I'm so curious to know who was the best 135 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,900 manager you ever had. And what specifically did they 136 00:08:25,900 --> 00:08:27,800 do? That was really great. 137 00:08:28,100 --> 00:08:33,900 Can be such a great question to ask people, whether it's people 138 00:08:33,900 --> 00:08:37,100 you work with whether it's people that you're just meeting, 139 00:08:37,100 --> 00:08:41,000 it can be a really great way to learn and to connect. 140 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:45,300 I think sometimes what I love most about this work is it's so 141 00:08:45,300 --> 00:08:49,300 human centered, it's so relational centered and I often 142 00:08:49,300 --> 00:08:53,800 find I can learn more faster through a conversation with 143 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:57,800 someone then from reading a book that kind of summarizes a high 144 00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:01,400 level of, you know, like research insights or something, 145 00:09:01,800 --> 00:09:06,200 it can be more interesting and it can be more Illuminating to 146 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:09,100 Simply connect with another human and ask them to share 147 00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:14,000 their story and for To to share and think about your story about 148 00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:17,400 the best manager you ever had and what made them great. 149 00:09:17,400 --> 00:09:23,800 So the main topic I wanted to cover today is this topic around 150 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:29,600 giving effective feedback, giving feedback is something you 151 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:34,000 100% will have to do in the course of your career, you will 152 00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:38,100 do this informal ways and you will do this in informal ways. 153 00:09:38,100 --> 00:09:43,200 A formal way might be your Aish ins performance review. 154 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:48,100 Process informally will be around, you know things that 155 00:09:48,100 --> 00:09:53,000 happen in the course of the work day that you need to give people 156 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:55,800 feedback on. It'll also come up a lot when 157 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:59,000 your onboarding people because it's important to give them 158 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:03,300 effective feedback as they're getting acclimated because not 159 00:10:03,300 --> 00:10:06,500 only does it build trust, but it sets them up for Success. 160 00:10:06,500 --> 00:10:10,300 It establishes, expectations, expectations, and kind of the 161 00:10:10,300 --> 00:10:15,300 standard of Occasional round how feedback works and it's just 162 00:10:15,300 --> 00:10:20,200 helpful practice to get into in the in the beginning. 163 00:10:20,500 --> 00:10:23,600 And I also want to point out that when you're giving 164 00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:29,100 feedback, it's not just to the people who report to you, you 165 00:10:29,100 --> 00:10:33,700 will also be giving feedback up to your manager. 166 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:38,200 You'll also be doing feedback across the organization to 167 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:41,000 people that are your peers or that you work with. 168 00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:43,200 If there's no reporting relationship. 169 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:46,500 So there's not necessarily a power differential, but it's 170 00:10:46,500 --> 00:10:52,700 important to think about and build the skill for giving 171 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:56,800 effective feedback. So the first question you want 172 00:10:56,800 --> 00:11:00,000 to ask yourself around, giving effective. 173 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:05,500 Feedback is number one. What is the effect that you want 174 00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:08,900 to have? When you give this feedback, are 175 00:11:08,900 --> 00:11:13,100 you trying to create a behavior If your change is there 176 00:11:13,100 --> 00:11:17,100 something different you want to see somebody do? 177 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:18,800 Is there something in their behavior? 178 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:22,600 You want them to do differently, are you giving this feedback 179 00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:28,200 because you want to create a change in their attitude or 180 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:32,100 perspective? Is that the effect that you're 181 00:11:32,100 --> 00:11:38,100 trying to have is the effect that you are wanting to give 182 00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:40,900 this person a feeling of being encouraged. 183 00:11:41,100 --> 00:11:45,000 Or a feeling valued. Are you trying to build 184 00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:50,700 confidence in someone? What is the effect that you're 185 00:11:51,000 --> 00:11:54,500 trying to have that? You're intending to have here 186 00:11:54,700 --> 00:11:59,900 because depending on what the effect that you want is that 187 00:11:59,900 --> 00:12:05,200 will influence the feedback. You give the way that you give 188 00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:09,500 it the time. Like the when of when that 189 00:12:09,500 --> 00:12:12,500 feedback happens does. Feedback need to happen 190 00:12:12,500 --> 00:12:17,200 immediately or is this feedback that you want to plan for? 191 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:20,900 But still, you're going to be documenting some observations 192 00:12:20,900 --> 00:12:24,200 and kind of, you know, doing the timeline and a little bit of a 193 00:12:24,208 --> 00:12:26,800 different way. You want to think about what is 194 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:29,100 the effect? What is or another way to think 195 00:12:29,100 --> 00:12:30,800 of it? As what is the point? 196 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,800 Like what, what is the point of giving feedback? 197 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:38,300 Like, what is it that you want, you know, to come from doing 198 00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:42,300 this? And that's honestly often A lot 199 00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:48,600 of what I coach my one-on-one clients on is, they will come to 200 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:51,800 their coaching session and say I need to give this feedback to 201 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:53,700 this person. I don't know how to do that. 202 00:12:54,200 --> 00:12:57,000 How do I do that? How do I say this? 203 00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,600 And sometimes that question is, because it's a power 204 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:03,600 differential, it's someone who is in a higher position. 205 00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:07,800 And so there's concern about how do I give this feedback to that 206 00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:12,000 person up there in a way that, you know, Doesn't blow back on 207 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:15,300 me in a way that is effective. Like, what does that look like? 208 00:13:15,600 --> 00:13:18,000 Sometimes it's around. You know, how do I give feedback 209 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,900 to this person? They don't report to me, they're 210 00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:24,400 not on my team but they're doing something that is affecting my 211 00:13:24,400 --> 00:13:28,100 team or they're doing something in the way that they work with 212 00:13:28,100 --> 00:13:31,200 me, that I'm, I don't feel right about and I don't know how to 213 00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:35,500 say something about it or sometimes it's around the person 214 00:13:35,500 --> 00:13:38,500 that reports to them saying, I have this person on my team, 215 00:13:38,700 --> 00:13:42,300 I've given them feedback their You're still isn't changing and 216 00:13:42,300 --> 00:13:47,400 I don't know why I told them, you know, they need to do this 217 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:50,900 and they said, yes, I understand, but they're not 218 00:13:50,900 --> 00:13:54,300 doing it. Like, what, what do I need to 219 00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:56,500 do? How do I give them feedback in 220 00:13:56,500 --> 00:13:59,100 order to create this change that I'm looking for? 221 00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:02,800 So that's something that can take. 222 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:07,000 Number one, a lot of mental space in your mind like 223 00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:10,300 wandering over and over again. How am I going to say this? 224 00:14:10,300 --> 00:14:12,300 I don't want to. Is, how am I going to say this? 225 00:14:12,300 --> 00:14:15,300 What's going to happen, it can take up so much time in your, in 226 00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:18,400 your mind and also a lot of energy and a lot of emotions. 227 00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:22,100 So that's something that I do work a lot with with folks on 228 00:14:22,100 --> 00:14:26,800 because I want you to develop your own strategic thinking 229 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:30,600 around this, because there will come a time when you will really 230 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:35,500 be on your own, and you want to feel prepared, you want to trust 231 00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:39,100 yourself that you have a strategy for, how you give 232 00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:40,900 feedback that you've got some time. 233 00:14:41,000 --> 00:14:46,600 Tactics some specific things that you can do to be effective 234 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:49,700 and you want to have had the practice of thinking through 235 00:14:49,700 --> 00:14:53,700 what is the effect that I want. And that might be a couple of 236 00:14:53,700 --> 00:14:56,500 different levels of Effectiveness. 237 00:14:56,800 --> 00:15:00,200 Like there might be an immediate Behavior change you want, but 238 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,400 ultimately, you also want to see a change in attitude or 239 00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:07,500 perspective, you want to help them to feel valued and 240 00:15:07,500 --> 00:15:10,900 connected to the bigger picture. So that they show up feeling a 241 00:15:10,900 --> 00:15:14,400 little Little bit more engaged in the work they're doing and 242 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:17,400 why they're doing it. There are so many different 243 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:21,500 angles to what it means to give effective feedback. 244 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:24,900 So that becomes something that we talk about because it's a 245 00:15:24,900 --> 00:15:28,100 skill that you're going to need for the rest of your career and 246 00:15:28,100 --> 00:15:31,200 the faster and better, you get at it. 247 00:15:31,600 --> 00:15:35,100 The better, the relationships that you have at work are the 248 00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:38,000 better you sleep at night because you're not so worried 249 00:15:38,000 --> 00:15:40,500 about the different conversations you need to have. 250 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:45,000 And the more energy you have for everything else, both at work 251 00:15:45,100 --> 00:15:48,900 and outside of work. And one of the things that will 252 00:15:48,900 --> 00:15:52,800 come up, I can pretty much guarantee you that when you are 253 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:56,900 thinking about feedback, the conversations that you need to 254 00:15:56,900 --> 00:16:00,400 initiate, you are going to think about emotions. 255 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:05,600 What are the feelings in play here and this is both your own 256 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:12,300 emotions, whether it's dread at giving someone Negative feedback 257 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:18,100 or whether it's nervousness of speaking up to someone in a 258 00:16:18,108 --> 00:16:21,700 higher position of authority, there might be emotions of real 259 00:16:21,700 --> 00:16:25,000 frustration, because something has been going on a long time. 260 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:28,800 And you haven't seen change and you don't understand why you 261 00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:33,900 also might have the worry or the concern about what are the 262 00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:39,100 emotions or the feelings that this other person will have when 263 00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:42,700 you initiate this. Ian and you might be worried 264 00:16:42,700 --> 00:16:45,500 about how they respond. Well, they shut down. 265 00:16:46,000 --> 00:16:49,300 Will they blow up? Will they say yes to my face and 266 00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,800 just go back to do? You know, the thing that they 267 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:53,600 do? Well, they simply try to placate 268 00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:57,900 me, or are they going to people, please me in the conversation 269 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,300 but then not actually follow through. 270 00:17:00,300 --> 00:17:05,400 On the back end, you're going to have thoughts and concerns about 271 00:17:05,400 --> 00:17:07,500 your emotions and their emotions. 272 00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:11,599 And the one thing I know is that number one anyplace, Where you 273 00:17:11,599 --> 00:17:13,900 are with humans emotions, are there too. 274 00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:16,599 So it's not a problem. We want to be aware of it 275 00:17:16,599 --> 00:17:20,500 though, so we can be very intentional and develop a skill 276 00:17:21,099 --> 00:17:26,700 in dealing with the emotional part of relationships and of 277 00:17:26,700 --> 00:17:31,300 humans. And the other part of it is as 278 00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:35,500 the leader, when you're in that leadership role, you want to 279 00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:37,800 understand work with and process. 280 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:43,400 Your emotions separately from Um being in the conversation and 281 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:49,100 wanting or needing them to do that for you or with you. 282 00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:53,200 And this is kind of we can even categorize this as a kind of 283 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:56,000 emotional maturity that awareness of. 284 00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:57,700 Okay. I'm going to have some emotions 285 00:17:57,700 --> 00:18:00,600 here, but I'm going to deal with these separately on my own. 286 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:06,000 So that when I come into this conversation, I'm not in a state 287 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:10,800 of being reactive and overcome by my emotions. 288 00:18:11,500 --> 00:18:16,500 And that is a skill that we need to learn and to develop that's 289 00:18:16,500 --> 00:18:21,100 something that you choose rather than something that you just 290 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:23,800 like wake up one morning and it's like, congratulations. 291 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:29,500 You're now this age and you've got emotional maturity like it 292 00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:33,500 does it just happen like that. You it really is a skill and a 293 00:18:33,500 --> 00:18:35,700 choice and something that we can develop. 294 00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:39,300 And and I share that in part because when we're not being 295 00:18:39,300 --> 00:18:41,900 intentional about both awareness, Earnest of your own 296 00:18:41,900 --> 00:18:47,200 emotions and processing them. Not just venting to a friend, 297 00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:51,900 not just feeling them. But also understanding, why 298 00:18:51,900 --> 00:18:54,600 like, why am I feeling this activated? 299 00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:59,400 What is this about? The more understanding you have 300 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:07,800 about yourself in that, then the less kind of activated and you 301 00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:10,900 know reactive you are in the moment. 302 00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:14,400 So you And then me more effective in that conversation. 303 00:19:14,700 --> 00:19:20,300 And the other effective that is when you have a better awareness 304 00:19:20,700 --> 00:19:24,500 and you feel in a way more safe with your own emotions. 305 00:19:24,900 --> 00:19:29,300 You also, then become less reactive to other people's 306 00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:32,600 emotions. So, if somebody blows up, 307 00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:37,100 instead of kind of reacting to that, it's, you can respond to 308 00:19:37,100 --> 00:19:39,500 it as. Oh, that's really interesting 309 00:19:39,500 --> 00:19:41,600 that that person is responding that Way. 310 00:19:42,000 --> 00:19:45,900 And wonder what is going on there and sometimes what's going 311 00:19:45,900 --> 00:19:48,100 on is that's just how they've always responded. 312 00:19:48,100 --> 00:19:52,500 And it always worked like they were able to be effective in in 313 00:19:52,500 --> 00:19:55,000 addressing whatever they were addressing. 314 00:19:55,100 --> 00:19:58,300 You know, sometimes when people blow up or shut down, it just 315 00:19:58,300 --> 00:20:00,700 means that they're very tired, right? 316 00:20:01,100 --> 00:20:03,100 It sometimes is no more than that. 317 00:20:03,100 --> 00:20:06,900 It's just exhaustion is now expressing itself through this 318 00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:10,900 kind of emotional reaction. So I share all of this because 319 00:20:10,900 --> 00:20:14,700 when you Thinking about how to give effective feedback knowing 320 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:19,200 that giving feedback is going to be part of the job and it is 321 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:24,800 going to be a lifetime value skill that you use. 322 00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:29,500 That will reduce your stress when you feel comfortable and 323 00:20:29,500 --> 00:20:34,200 confident with your strategy and your approach to feedback in 324 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:40,800 every direction up across and down it greatly improves your 325 00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:43,900 quality. E of Life, your work experience 326 00:20:43,900 --> 00:20:48,500 and you end up having more energy and more, you know, just 327 00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:53,300 but better energy and a better use of time when you're not at 328 00:20:53,300 --> 00:20:55,900 work, because then you're not thinking about it all the time. 329 00:20:56,700 --> 00:21:00,300 So consider, what is the effect you're wanting to have? 330 00:21:00,700 --> 00:21:04,200 Pay attention to what are the emotions that you're 331 00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,500 experiencing or that you're afraid you're going to 332 00:21:06,500 --> 00:21:09,400 experience. And what are the emotions you're 333 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:14,700 anticipating or Earring or being worried about sometimes it's not 334 00:21:14,700 --> 00:21:17,100 something explosive. Sometimes it's simply the fear 335 00:21:17,100 --> 00:21:20,500 of I don't want to disappoint this person or I don't want them 336 00:21:20,500 --> 00:21:23,200 to feel let down because then I'll feel bad. 337 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:28,600 We want to get a handle on that emotional landscape so that you 338 00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:32,900 can make decisions and really show up in a way that is 339 00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:37,000 effective and helpful and supportive and human. 340 00:21:37,300 --> 00:21:39,500 Our goal is not to eliminate emotions. 341 00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:41,100 Our goal is to understand them better. 342 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:45,600 Better so that we can work with each other in a more intentional 343 00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:49,500 and more effective way. So that is what I wanted to 344 00:21:49,500 --> 00:21:52,400 share with you today. If you want to work with me 345 00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:56,300 one-on-one, go into the show notes, schedule, a consult, we 346 00:21:56,300 --> 00:22:00,500 can talk about it. And if you want to know about 347 00:22:00,500 --> 00:22:04,300 future group programs, I'm starting to plan those. 348 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:08,400 Go to my show notes, and make sure that you are on my email 349 00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:10,400 list. All right, thanks so much for 350 00:22:10,400 --> 00:22:12,800 listening. I I'll talk to you next time. 351 00:22:17,500 --> 00:22:22,300 Hey before you go if you like this podcast leave a review. 352 00:22:22,700 --> 00:22:26,200 Tell me why you listen and what has helped you? 353 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:28,700 Thanks so much. I'll see you next time.