Welcome to the new manager podcast.
I'm your host, Kim nickel. Hello and welcome.
I'm glad you're here and I hope you're doing well.
If you're new to the show, my name is Kim nickel.
I'm a coach and I am here to help you feel more confident
about being a manager, whether you are currently managing
people or you're simply thinking about it and this makes me want
to give a shout-out to one of my listeners who recently left a
review of the podcast and said, I love this podcast, I have
always been terrified to be a manager for fear of not being a
good leader. This podcast has given me so
many tools to prepare myself to be a great manager listened to
100 episodes in a week and look forward to the new ones.
Yay! Oh, that makes me so happy.
I'm so glad to hear that. That's why I'm here, you know,
so many times I see that new managers get overlooked and kind
Thrown in the deep end and expected to figure it out.
And I've decided it doesn't have to be that way.
I've decided that, you know, it can be easier and that I will
make it easier for you and you will be here and it will just be
simple. Like it can actually be easy.
Thanks to the Miracles of Technology.
Being able to get my ideas into this audio format and then make
it available for you whenever you need it.
Really do you Gov this podcast. As my audio library, anytime you
need something, just come in. Look through the list of
episodes and choose what is helpful for you, because the
challenges that you face will change over time as your team
changes, as you yourself grow as a person and meet new kinds of
challenges. And so it really is helpful to
know that this is here for you. And I'm really glad that it
helps, that's what it's all about.
I also have been thinking a lot about some of the kind of
unspoken roles of what it means to be a manager.
There has been an article that I've been seeing people
reference a lot on LinkedIn right now, about how managers
have a major impact on the mental health and well-being of
their team. And that can feel like a lot of
pressure. Right.
Now, all of a sudden people are looking at you say, you, you
have responsibility for my mental health and well-being
that can definitely feel like, am I trained for that?
You know, that's, that's a lot to carry and I know, especially
with the folks that I coach, that's already top of mind,
right? You already know having had a
manager, you know, from your own experience.
That your relationship to your manager has a huge effect on
your quality of life on your stress levels, on your sense of
confidence and Effectiveness and well-being.
And then when you sit in that driver seat, and now you are in
this leadership role, all of a sudden, it's like, oh, now that
falls to me, and it can feel like a lot of pressure.
And I saw also a couple of comments on LinkedIn around the
same. Three.
Someone said something to the effect of, you know, the best
way to improve your team's well-being, and mental health is
to give them great managers and I kind of smiled but it kind of
made me sad too because I thought I don't think it's the
quite that easy. You don't just order a great
manager off of Amazon, you know, and for folks who are really
learning how to do this learning the skill of managing people,
Actively without a lot of mentorship or guidance.
There's a lot that you have to figure out as you go and so I
feel like it's just not really fair to say, you know, just give
people good managers because it's actually kind of hard when
you are first stepping into that role and the other thing I see
is a lot of organizations genuinely want to support their
managers and help them to be better.
Because everyone benefits when they feel confident and prepared
and equipped and able to handle this new role, but a lot of
organizations also struggle to know exactly how to do that.
It's just a tricky thing to do because it's not
one-size-fits-all and you come into different manager, skills
and Leadership skills, you need those skills often before you
even get the official. Hater.
You already start developing the communication skills, you start
needing to develop the mindset skills.
And so, I just share that because I know that the only
reason you're listening is because you care about doing a
great job. You take your responsibilities.
Seriously you're a high achieving person because I am
very certain that the people who just don't really care.
They're not listening to this podcast, they're listening to
something else. So I know that you care.
I know. That you work hard.
I know it can, sometimes feel both overwhelming and just like,
not really sure of how to become a great manager for your people
and for yourself. And right now, just because of
what I've been seeing in the conversations around leadership,
you know, in the broader ecosystem, I just want to
acknowledge that if you are feeling extra pressure on your
shoulders, right now that might B, y, and it's, it's okay.
I want to offer a different perspective to you to, hopefully
lighten, that burden a little bit.
And the perspective I want to offer is that you don't need to
be the hero meaning, it's not to you to make everything, right?
It's not to you to create the perfect and ideal work
environment for yourself and for nobody on your team, it's not on
your shoulders to do the heroic effort of picking up all the
slack and doing everything on your own.
And I know sometimes we do put on a brave face and we do want
to show up resilient and strong and resourceful, but what I've
noticed is that we can sometimes go a bit too far and it's easy
to do that and thinking of ones Eliphaz.
It's all on me. I have to be the hero in this
situation. We can become over responsible,
meaning we take on more than what is actually in your control
and you take on more instead of building other kinds of skills
like instead of having a difficult conversation or
instead of you know, learning how to delegate effectively,
Effectively instead of doing that we say I'll just take it on
I'll just do it myself that way. It'll be done, right?
Also I don't want to burden my team.
They're already really busy so we sometimes can slip into the
idea of being the hero. And I think that's easy to do
because in this culture and I'm speaking, I'll say specifically
as an American in the United States who works with a lot of
US based companies. There is a very Very strong,
kind of Mythology and admiration for the hero and what the hero
represents is an individual. So a single person it's not
about Community. It's about you yourself separate
from Community. It's an individual who takes on
more than what others do or can do who always comes through.
Through unharmed or if they are injured or harmed along the way,
they hide it, they recover in silence, they never show any
vulnerability or any sense of not being able to handle it.
There's a sense that they're also above and beyond everyone
else. So not just being a top
performer, but being, you know, the smartest.
Store the cleverest or the most strong or that infinitely
resourceful the never tiring person.
That is always going above and beyond and they're often seen as
Brave. And they are often celebrated by
others for seeming to possess these qualities.
So it's kind of like if you if you're the hero you better save
the day because that's how You become valued.
That's what gets you praise. That's what gets you love.
That's what gets you accepted, you know, by the community.
And so the hero story can end up creating isolation it can end up
creating distance. It can end up creating hiding
your whole human self hiding. The fact that sometimes you have
that days or Sometimes you might make a mistake or make a wrong
judgment call or just, you know, be a human with other things
happening in your life. You're not completely 100%
focused on work all the time. And that adds to this feeling of
pressure, which doesn't help like the whole point.
But I want to invite you to consider is that, you know, sure
like the hero Persona the hero story Is okay, but it's not a
complete identity and it's not always the best choice, but it's
really easy to feel like that's what's required, because it's so
infused in our culture. And so you'll see it reflected
back to you, and lots of obvious, but also subtle ways,
and it's easy to feel like that. It's the job and that's
required. And my perspective is it's not.
You are a human. You are learning how to work
with other humans in the workplace, right?
But it doesn't it doesn't require heroics.
I mean maybe once in a while fine you know but it's not a
sustainable way to live. It is not a sustainable way to
grow. It is not a sustainable way to
be in your career because it just creates too much pressure,
too much hiding too much anxiety, too much over working
and over responsibility and that ultimately ends up getting in
your own way. So there was one thing in that
article about managers having an impact on their team's mental,
Health and emotional well-being, that I really loved and it was
one of the first things they, the author suggested is, what do
you do as a manager? Number one, you start by
managing yourself and if you only did that, that would be
enough. And the reason I say that is
because when you are managing yourself, that requires you to
stay connected and present and aware with how you're doing as a
In both, in terms of your physical well-being, your
emotional well-being. You're like intellectual and
creative well-being but also your sense of spirituality,
meaning your sense of Legacy. The big picture about why you're
here on the planet. And when you have a sense of
those four domains, it really helps you to feel grounded.
It gets you rested. It helps you focus more
effectively. Rather than trying to do
everything, it helps you to be more Discerning and you're able
to recognize sooner when you start to creep into that burnout
stage or that kind of shut down and withdrawal stage or the
resentment stage resentment, can creep up very slowly but it
accumulates and it becomes very corrosive, meaning it will drain
your energy. G and just give you this
incredible sense of unease and it'll just have all kinds of
adverse Ripple effects when we carry resentment for far too
long. So the sooner that you're able
to identify and then understand what's going on that you're
feeling that way process, it you then get into your agency and
autonomy. What is it?
That's within my scope of care. What is it?
That I can't. Take responsibility for.
And what do I let go of? What?
Exactly am I managing here? It's not everything.
It's not everyone. It's just what specifically am I
managing here? And I'm remembering to.
There's this quote, I wanted to share with you from this book
that I'm reading. The author's name is Tanya
Wilkinson. The book is called Persephone
returns and there are two quotes.
The first one is this the specifics of the hero Persona
vary according to family and gender role expectations.
But the fantasy of invulnerability, through some
form of perfection is consistent.
Okay, I need to read that last part again, because it's so
good. The fantasy of invulnerability,
through some form of perfection is Ain't So maybe for you.
It's that internal. Thought that internal story of
if I am perfectly strong then I will prevail and I won't I won't
be vulnerable to things going wrong or it might be if I am
perfectly prepared. If I have perfect information or
if I'm able to manage, Other people perfectly, then I will be
invulnerable. I will be protected from any
harm as a result of being perfect.
It's such an interesting perspective around that
perfectionistic tendency. If you were, you know, an a
student and you equated hard work with that external
evaluation external. Validation and then the reward
of that. Hi Mark.
Then that shows up there to the sense of if I'm if I'm a perfect
student and I get perfect scores then I will be safe from
whatever imperfection brings and it might be you know
disappointment from your parents or it might feel like losing out
on a scholarship. Like there might feel feel like
something is really at stake there if I'm not Like to
something really bad will happen.
And so the fantasy of invulnerability through some
form of perfection, it's really interesting to start to just
notice all the subtle ways that that shows up.
And then one other quote from this book that I loved, she
writes on a cultural level identification with the hero,
Persona encourages, a picture of life that excludes normal.
Common vulnerability. And so the reason this matters
and the reason this becomes so important to reflect on is
because normal human experience, just being alive.
As a person includes moments of feeling vulnerable, moments of
feeling like, you don't know what you're doing, you can't
control other people, you can't control what's going to happen.
And when we think, gosh, if I was Good enough, then.
I wouldn't have to face that feeling of being vulnerable.
It really does us a disservice. Sometimes what I see is, we
think, oh, if I'm perfect enough in my whatever, in who I am, or
my communication, or in my intelligence or in my knowledge,
if I'm perfect enough, I won't have to have an uncomfortable
conversation because I will use my perfection to avoid any
conflict and Anything that might possibly go wrong, we think we
can control things by having this kind of death grip on
ourselves and making ourselves perfect and whatever which like
shape or form that story holds in our own mind.
And so, you know, coming back to this, big picture of you don't
need to be the hero here. There will be times that are
hard. That is a human experience we
want. Welcome the humanity, we want to
welcome being a human. Both for yourself, I just
genuinely feel that's a more satisfying and rewarding way to
live than trying to have kind of a Stranglehold and feel like I
have to get this perfect and right in order to save the day
that is hard and I don't think that actually brings us to the
place that we want to be in terms of being a leader.
Leader, and being present, and being human with other humans at
work, but it's really present in the culture around us in so many
ways. So it's so much about just
becoming more aware, so that you can manage yourself care for
yourself and that, then lets you step away from all of that
pressure so that you can step into your agency your autonomy.
So that You can be a strategic in your thinking so that you can
be a feeling whole human. And from there make intentional
decisions, not the reactive ones, not the ones that you're
trying to escape out of the discomfort or Escape out of the
anxiety. But instead kind of standing on
the ground of who you are and what's happening now, What are
the decisions that you want to make when you're not required?
To be the hero? And when you're not required, to
use Perfection as some kind of tool, or a shield, or as a way
of kind of trying to protect yourself.
It becomes a really different experience.
So that is what my hope is for you today is that you can live
this week with a little bit less pressure realizing that you
know, you're A human and being a manager.
Brings a lot with it, but you can learn and you can become
more intentional and you can become more skilled.
It is an iterative process, it's not all or nothing, it's not,
you've learn it and you're done. It is an art and it is on going
because you know you grow you change and so does your team and
so does your organization. So that is what I wanted to
leave you with today. Thank you so much for listening.
I'll talk to you next time. Hey before you go if you like
this podcast leave a review. Tell me why you listen and what
has helped you? Thanks so much.
I'll see you next time. I'll talk to you next time.
Hey before you go if you like this podcast leave a review.
Tell me why you listen and what has helped you?
Thanks so much. I'll see you next time.