1 00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:07,600 Welcome to the new manager podcast. 2 00:00:07,700 --> 00:00:16,700 I'm your host, Kim nickel. Hello, and welcome. 3 00:00:16,900 --> 00:00:19,400 I'm glad you're here, and I hope you're doing well. 4 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:22,400 I want to start today by sharing a celebration. 5 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:26,200 I'm so proud. And so, happy, one of my clients 6 00:00:26,500 --> 00:00:32,100 has started a new job, and one of the things we had coached on 7 00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:37,800 was her confidence in moving from an organization that she 8 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:41,100 had been in for many years and understood how everything. 9 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:47,100 Into a new company that is in a different part of her industry. 10 00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:53,000 So she had less experience in that specific part of the 11 00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:56,200 industry. And she had some insecurity and 12 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:59,800 some, you know, her confidence felt a little shaky because she 13 00:00:59,800 --> 00:01:04,000 thought I won't know as much and you know I'm kind of new and I 14 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:08,100 want to do a good job. And so she's now been at this 15 00:01:08,100 --> 00:01:11,800 new job for about a week and she said, you know, I I had a couple 16 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:16,100 realizations and she said, one is that when I ask questions? 17 00:01:16,500 --> 00:01:21,900 Everyone learns and that was important for her to realize 18 00:01:21,900 --> 00:01:26,100 because before she was starting the job. 19 00:01:26,100 --> 00:01:29,800 One of her fears was, people will think, I don't know enough, 20 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:33,800 they'll question why I'm there and she was worried about, would 21 00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:36,600 she be able to ask the right questions? 22 00:01:36,700 --> 00:01:39,300 Would she look stupid? If she was asking questions 23 00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:44,100 about things that she She was supposed to know already and so 24 00:01:44,500 --> 00:01:48,200 it was this huge Revelation and she realized, oh my gosh, when I 25 00:01:48,200 --> 00:01:54,400 ask questions, everyone learns. So asking questions isn't a bad 26 00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:56,600 thing and it doesn't make me look bad. 27 00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:59,600 It actually is normal. Everybody knows, you know, I'm 28 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:03,000 new here and asking questions helps other people. 29 00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:08,800 So that was the first, Aha. And the second was she said, oh, 30 00:02:09,300 --> 00:02:12,500 it's no longer about trying to prove myself. 31 00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:17,900 Now, it's about what do I want to contribute? 32 00:02:18,300 --> 00:02:23,900 And why it's about what I can contribute to the success of the 33 00:02:23,900 --> 00:02:28,500 team? And when she started to think 34 00:02:28,500 --> 00:02:34,500 about it in those terms, the pressure, she felt started to 35 00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:38,100 dissipate and now it was no longer. 36 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:41,100 You know, she was kind of no longer obsessing about what do 37 00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:43,800 they think of me? And my proving myself. 38 00:02:44,100 --> 00:02:48,300 It was no longer about her. Now, it was oh, how do I want to 39 00:02:48,300 --> 00:02:53,200 contribute to the success of the team and when she focused on the 40 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,700 team and how she could help everybody? 41 00:02:55,800 --> 00:03:01,300 The it completely changed her thinking her experience. 42 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:06,000 No, she's been able to really enjoy this first, you know, 43 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:10,300 these first days in the new job and her confidence that has 44 00:03:10,300 --> 00:03:13,400 always been there is just more available now. 45 00:03:13,700 --> 00:03:17,400 So I feel so happy for that, I love when my clients have those 46 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:20,400 aha's and those insights that I'm so happy to share them with 47 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:24,800 you because if you are also thinking, I need to prove 48 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:27,600 myself. Maybe consider flipping it to 49 00:03:27,600 --> 00:03:30,400 ask instead, how can I contribute to the success of my 50 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:34,900 team and also realizing hey when I ask questions, everybody 51 00:03:34,900 --> 00:03:38,500 learns. So there you go, that is how 52 00:03:38,500 --> 00:03:42,600 we're starting today. And remember if you want to work 53 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:48,100 with me one-on-one to apply these insights and Implement 54 00:03:48,100 --> 00:03:51,600 them, turn them into action, make them your own. 55 00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:55,400 That is the work that I do. I'm a coach. 56 00:03:55,800 --> 00:04:00,500 I help people to work better with others and a lot of the 57 00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:04,000 times that's around confidence and mindset and how you're 58 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:08,900 thinking about the situation and dealing with the overwhelm, the 59 00:04:08,900 --> 00:04:12,800 uncertainty, all of the human things that show up when we work 60 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:15,200 with people. So, go to the show notes, if you 61 00:04:15,200 --> 00:04:19,500 want to know how to book a call with me to talk about working 62 00:04:19,500 --> 00:04:24,900 together, and I'm also going to put in the notes, a link where 63 00:04:24,900 --> 00:04:30,100 if you Have a question or a topic that you would like me to 64 00:04:30,100 --> 00:04:35,800 address here on the podcast. Then please send me a note and I 65 00:04:35,808 --> 00:04:38,100 will add it to that my list of topics. 66 00:04:38,400 --> 00:04:46,200 So our topic today is about people pleasing and it comes up 67 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:49,400 a lot especially when you're a new manager. 68 00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:53,200 Because, you know, now often you're thinking about not just 69 00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:58,500 how do I make sure that my man Sure is happy, but we often 70 00:04:58,700 --> 00:05:05,400 correlate, the contentment and happiness of our team with our 71 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:09,400 success of managing people. Meaning. 72 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,100 So if my team is happy, I'm doing a good job. 73 00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:17,200 If my team, or if someone on my team is very unhappy, then maybe 74 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:20,900 I'm not doing a good job or either something I need to do to 75 00:05:20,900 --> 00:05:26,600 address that and it can get a bit entangled with Our own sense 76 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:31,600 of confidence and being effective and, you know, 77 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:34,500 sometimes it flares up in unexpected ways. 78 00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,000 So, I wanted to talk to talk a little bit about 79 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:41,000 people-pleasing. And first of all, I find that 80 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:46,000 when people tell me that they have a people-pleasing tendency, 81 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:51,200 they say it kind of like they think of it as a bad thing. 82 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:55,200 They feel maybe a little bit embarrassed about it because 83 00:05:55,200 --> 00:05:58,700 they say, Like, oh, I tend to be a people pleaser. 84 00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:02,900 No one ever says, oh, I'm a people pleaser. 85 00:06:04,700 --> 00:06:08,500 I've been really focused on pleasing pleasing other people 86 00:06:08,500 --> 00:06:10,600 for years. I've been kind of obsessed with 87 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:13,600 it actually like nobody presents it that way. 88 00:06:13,700 --> 00:06:17,600 It's always kind of like, well, I also know. 89 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:22,200 I'm a bit of a people pleaser. It's a little bit almost like 90 00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:25,600 they're admitting something that is not a great thing. 91 00:06:25,700 --> 00:06:28,900 Thing. But I want to neutralize that a 92 00:06:28,907 --> 00:06:32,100 little bit because when we think of it as this heavy bad thing, 93 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:34,600 it actually makes it a lot more difficult to deal with. 94 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:38,400 So the tendency to people, please number one. 95 00:06:38,700 --> 00:06:43,700 When we have that kind of that awareness of what is the 96 00:06:43,700 --> 00:06:48,100 emotional state of people around us and a desire that the 97 00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:52,600 emotional state of the people around us be one of contentment 98 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:55,600 and joy that in and of itself is actually great. 99 00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:59,300 And especially in the workplace. I mean, think about it, we 100 00:06:59,300 --> 00:07:03,100 talked about wanting our customers or our clients to have 101 00:07:03,100 --> 00:07:07,600 a great experience with our product or with our service. 102 00:07:07,900 --> 00:07:13,700 We talk about things like NPS scores because we want people to 103 00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:17,900 be happy and to recommend our product or service to others. 104 00:07:17,900 --> 00:07:22,200 We want them to be pleased with their experience in the 105 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:24,800 workplace. Specifically, that's why so many 106 00:07:25,700 --> 00:07:31,500 ins do things like pulse surveys to get a sense of how are people 107 00:07:31,500 --> 00:07:34,300 feeling? We talked about morale? 108 00:07:34,300 --> 00:07:39,300 Morale is a sense of that positive emotion of yeah. 109 00:07:39,300 --> 00:07:44,300 Like I actually feel happy at work and I feel that I trust my 110 00:07:44,300 --> 00:07:46,900 colleagues and the mission and the leadership. 111 00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:51,100 So this idea of, you know, are people feeling pleased? 112 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:56,200 I think we can Overlook some of the value of what that Has to 113 00:07:56,200 --> 00:07:59,600 bring because we so often encounter it in either and 114 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:03,800 unpleasant or negative way. But essentially what it really 115 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:12,200 means is you have the ability the awareness to perceive what 116 00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:17,600 is the emotional tone of other people. 117 00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:21,800 And then the thing that we want to pay attention to you is, what 118 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:26,900 do you do with that perception? One of the things we can do is, 119 00:08:26,900 --> 00:08:31,100 we can question it, right? We can also question, you know, 120 00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:33,799 the accuracy of it. We can then question, what to 121 00:08:33,808 --> 00:08:37,600 do? You make it mean, when you see 122 00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:43,900 someone who seems displeased or disappointed or upset, like what 123 00:08:43,900 --> 00:08:46,700 do you do with that observation, what do you make it mean? 124 00:08:47,000 --> 00:08:50,600 And that's really where the work of kind of untangling and 125 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:55,400 becoming more clear. So you can be more intentional 126 00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:58,600 and Liberate, that's where that comes into play. 127 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:01,600 So let's look at this from another angle. 128 00:09:02,300 --> 00:09:08,100 So why do we do people-pleasing? Why is this a thing on some 129 00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:13,300 level? It's because it feels good to 130 00:09:13,300 --> 00:09:18,300 have a certain reaction from somebody else. 131 00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:23,500 That's really what it's about. So it's kind of like if you had 132 00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:28,200 your choice to have, Have a conversation with someone who 133 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:31,500 was feeling pleased and content and happy. 134 00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:39,500 You would choose that over same person, same conversation, but 135 00:09:39,500 --> 00:09:43,400 they are feeling displeased disappointed. 136 00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:51,400 Impatient frustrated upset in any way whether it's about you, 137 00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:55,500 or whether they're Simply Having that emotion about something. 138 00:09:55,700 --> 00:10:01,200 Else and you are simply in proximity to it like on some 139 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,500 level, it just feels better for you. 140 00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:06,600 You feel more calm. You feel more safe. 141 00:10:06,600 --> 00:10:14,900 You feel more at ease when the person near you or around you is 142 00:10:14,900 --> 00:10:20,100 also in a more content state. So, one way to think about it, 143 00:10:20,100 --> 00:10:24,000 it's almost like you're just managing your environment, kind 144 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,300 of like if it was too. Cold. 145 00:10:26,300 --> 00:10:30,400 You'd want to get a sweater or turn the heat on if it was too 146 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:34,100 warm, you would not wear the sweater or you might open a 147 00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:38,900 window to get the breeze in, in that same way, we can think 148 00:10:38,900 --> 00:10:43,700 about the emotions of other people around us, kind of like 149 00:10:43,700 --> 00:10:47,700 the environment that were in, and we're always trying to 150 00:10:47,700 --> 00:10:52,300 adjust that so that we can feel most comfortable and most at 151 00:10:52,300 --> 00:10:56,100 ease. Now getting a bit more specific, 152 00:10:56,300 --> 00:11:01,300 there are a couple of specific examples or reasons that I've 153 00:11:01,300 --> 00:11:06,100 seen through my clients and my work about, kind of where this 154 00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:09,900 desire for people-pleasing comes from. 155 00:11:10,100 --> 00:11:15,500 So one is that if you're a very empathic person, meaning you've 156 00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:20,700 always been very sensitive to the emotions of other people 157 00:11:20,700 --> 00:11:24,300 around you. Another way to think, Give it as 158 00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:29,800 when someone is having an emotion, you feel it in your 159 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:32,200 body. Like, if someone is feeling 160 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:38,200 angry, you start to physically in your body, feel the same 161 00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:43,300 sensation of that, that angry feeling or someone is feeling 162 00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:49,500 really sad. You also start to feel very sad 163 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:53,700 and, you know, one of the one of the reasons why this this tends 164 00:11:53,700 --> 00:11:56,400 to happen. Number one is, as humans were 165 00:11:56,400 --> 00:12:04,000 very wired for social perception and force for social like 166 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:08,300 emotional mirroring and in the body we actually have these 167 00:12:08,300 --> 00:12:12,300 things called mirror neurons and that's part of how science 168 00:12:12,300 --> 00:12:19,400 explains why we can perceive and literally feel the emotion that 169 00:12:19,400 --> 00:12:23,000 someone else is feeling. So you might be a person who is 170 00:12:23,000 --> 00:12:28,800 very High empathy and you know you were just always able to 171 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,400 sense. The emotions of people around 172 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:35,100 you and feel them. Such that you may not even 173 00:12:35,100 --> 00:12:41,000 notice is the emotion I'm feeling mine or is it somebody 174 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,800 else's? But it's almost like you're this 175 00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:48,600 really powerful tuning fork. And so when a note is played 176 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:54,400 that matches that tuning fork of you, you also So vibrate you 177 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:58,800 also feel that same emotion, so that's the sense of high empathy 178 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:04,100 and what that means then is that if you feel so tied to the 179 00:13:04,100 --> 00:13:09,300 emotional state of others, then for sure you're going to want 180 00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:14,300 the people around you. To be pleased and content so 181 00:13:14,300 --> 00:13:17,800 that you can also feel that and that you don't get kind of 182 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:21,400 dragged along with the emotions that they're experiencing. 183 00:13:22,100 --> 00:13:27,800 So that's one high, and Half the other one is we can use 184 00:13:27,800 --> 00:13:32,000 people-pleasing from a desire for connection. 185 00:13:32,500 --> 00:13:37,900 It's the sense that if the other person is content and pleased 186 00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:40,700 and relaxed and happy then we think. 187 00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:43,000 Okay, we're good, we're connected. 188 00:13:43,000 --> 00:13:49,400 And if they are frustrated angry upset distant withdrawn cold 189 00:13:49,800 --> 00:13:56,000 then we feel a disconnect with I feel like the relationship is 190 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:59,600 damaged or ruptured and that can feel scary. 191 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:03,300 And so we'll want to repair that and we'll try to do that through 192 00:14:03,300 --> 00:14:07,300 people pleasing, and that's sometimes will also connect to a 193 00:14:07,308 --> 00:14:12,000 sense of safety. So, for example, if you grew up 194 00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:16,300 with adults, either in your family, or in your school, or in 195 00:14:16,300 --> 00:14:21,600 your community, if you grew up around adults, who were highly 196 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:27,600 volatile, Meaning, you know, very dramatic, emotional and 197 00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:32,800 behavioral swings or if they were very exacting like had high 198 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:37,200 Perfection behaviors and that can turn into putting a lot of 199 00:14:37,200 --> 00:14:42,800 pressure on you either explicit like, especially around school. 200 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:46,600 I see this a lot where, perhaps the adults in your life, put 201 00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:52,200 specific pressure on you to have perfect performance in school or 202 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:56,000 music or Sports. Sports or in your role as this, 203 00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:57,600 you know, in your in your family. 204 00:14:57,600 --> 00:15:01,100 Like as the eldest child or whatever your role was, in your 205 00:15:01,100 --> 00:15:05,100 family, whether that was explicit or implied, you might 206 00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:10,600 have absorbed this sense that, okay, I need to make sure that 207 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:16,700 the adult is pleased with me, so that nothing bad happens. 208 00:15:16,700 --> 00:15:21,400 Like, it was a way of kind of controlling your environment of 209 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:27,000 creating safety of In connection and sometimes we just absorb 210 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:31,700 that and then we bring that same pattern of behavior into all of 211 00:15:31,700 --> 00:15:34,700 these other relationships so that can show up at that way. 212 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:39,100 The third thing, it can also show up in Conflict avoidance, 213 00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:44,900 so if we have a fear or an aversion to anything that feels 214 00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:49,300 like conflict or confrontation, then one way we'll deal with 215 00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:53,200 that is by pleasing others as a way to avoid. 216 00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:57,300 The discomfort of conflict or confrontation. 217 00:15:57,500 --> 00:16:01,800 And number one, that's a super normal thing, but we want to be 218 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:07,200 aware of that because at work. And as a manager that 219 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:11,900 specifically will really get in the way there are times, when 220 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:18,400 actually, the kindest thing is to confront and have an 221 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:25,700 uncomfortable conversation or to move towards Conflict to try to 222 00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:29,800 diminish it or understand it, or figure out, like, what is going 223 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:35,400 on and that will require that. Yeah, maybe someone isn't 224 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:39,200 pleased and that that needs to be okay, you don't want your 225 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:46,400 sense of safety or success to be dependent upon the continual 226 00:16:46,500 --> 00:16:51,100 good mood of another person. And so if you are a people 227 00:16:51,100 --> 00:16:55,800 pleaser because Typically, you know that you are you tend to be 228 00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:59,900 conflict avoidant that something that we can understand and look 229 00:16:59,900 --> 00:17:04,099 at and find an alternative to because that is not a good 230 00:17:04,099 --> 00:17:09,700 long-term strategy that actually becomes very limiting and very 231 00:17:09,700 --> 00:17:12,400 exhausting. And so we actually want to 232 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:17,900 address the discomfort so that you're not doing everything you 233 00:17:17,900 --> 00:17:22,900 can to wiggle out of that perceived conflict, okay? 234 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:26,300 And Last one around people-pleasing, is that it can 235 00:17:26,300 --> 00:17:31,800 also come from this genuine place of care and because you 236 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:35,800 care so deeply and you want people to be doing well and you 237 00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:38,200 want them to be happy that can drive. 238 00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:41,900 This people pleasing Behavior. But what's actually happening 239 00:17:41,900 --> 00:17:47,400 is, it's almost like you've hooked your achievement drive 240 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:53,100 into your caring. And what that means is you've 241 00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:58,200 I've decided that if this person is in a good mood or feeling 242 00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:02,800 happy with me, that means I am being successful. 243 00:18:03,100 --> 00:18:10,000 That means I am doing a good job and I think that Dynamic also is 244 00:18:10,200 --> 00:18:15,900 actually very common and I'm thinking specifically, you know, 245 00:18:15,900 --> 00:18:19,300 I've mentioned my nephew's on this podcast before and when 246 00:18:19,300 --> 00:18:23,100 they were little, this was my first experience with small. 247 00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:25,600 Children. So if you're a parent, listening 248 00:18:25,700 --> 00:18:28,600 your Advanced at this already, you know how this works. 249 00:18:29,300 --> 00:18:33,400 You know if you have if you have responsibility for a small child 250 00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:37,700 and they are crying, it doesn't feel good, you want them to be 251 00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:41,800 happy, right? You're thinking, what can I do 252 00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:46,800 to please this tiny human and bring them to a state of 253 00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:50,800 peacefulness and contentment because you care. 254 00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:55,300 You care about their well-being and In that case, actually our 255 00:18:55,300 --> 00:18:59,300 achievement Drive does kind of look into that because I know 256 00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:05,100 that when I was able to soothe or, you know, address the need 257 00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:11,800 of the child and so he went from being upset or you know hungry 258 00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:15,800 or you know, sometimes they get so tired that they can't sleep 259 00:19:15,800 --> 00:19:20,400 and they get really grumpy and learning how like how can I help 260 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:25,600 this child take a nap. Like, that is my measure for 261 00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:28,100 Success today. You know, there are some really 262 00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:31,800 interesting ways that actually our sense of achievement, it 263 00:19:31,800 --> 00:19:34,200 felt so good. Oh, I got both of them to take a 264 00:19:34,200 --> 00:19:38,600 nap. Yes, I am winning right? 265 00:19:38,700 --> 00:19:44,500 Like that, sense of. Okay, if I can if I can achieve 266 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:49,700 their emotional contentment their physical well-being, it's 267 00:19:49,700 --> 00:19:55,200 because I care and I am going to feel like the greatest champion 268 00:19:55,700 --> 00:19:59,000 and it feels really good. And so sometimes we don't even 269 00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:02,500 realize that the way that we care and are feeling of 270 00:20:02,500 --> 00:20:06,900 achievement ends up getting hooked up in the behaviors, we 271 00:20:06,900 --> 00:20:11,000 bring into the workplace and trying to please other people. 272 00:20:11,700 --> 00:20:17,400 So that overall picture that I want to offer is if you know 273 00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:23,100 that you tend to lean towards people-pleasing behaviors and 274 00:20:23,300 --> 00:20:27,400 Some of the effects of that will turn into No Boundaries 275 00:20:27,700 --> 00:20:32,600 second-guessing yourself, undermining your confidence, you 276 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:35,900 know, feeling like you're avoiding important 277 00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:38,400 conversations. There are so many different 278 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:40,700 symptoms. That, you'll notice that come 279 00:20:40,700 --> 00:20:44,400 up, when you lean into the people-pleasing at work, but the 280 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:50,100 solution to all of this really is the same. 281 00:20:50,900 --> 00:20:55,000 And what I want to offer you as the solution really, the 282 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:58,400 starting point that will help you unhook, the people pleasing 283 00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:01,500 behavior from the workplace is this. 284 00:21:01,500 --> 00:21:11,400 So listen up learn how to be present with discomfort and the 285 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:18,700 uncomfortable emotion so that you can discern and make an 286 00:21:18,700 --> 00:21:23,300 intentional decision. In what often happens is, we 287 00:21:23,300 --> 00:21:28,000 feel the discomfort and then we become reactive we jump into 288 00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:31,400 action, right away and sometimes that action is avoidance. 289 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:37,600 So, the first thing we need to learn is how to be present with 290 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:41,200 that, discomfort, how to be present with the uncomfortable 291 00:21:41,200 --> 00:21:45,300 emotion. That you are feeling letting 292 00:21:45,300 --> 00:21:48,100 yourself be present and feel that first. 293 00:21:48,100 --> 00:21:52,700 So that then you can CERN. Okay, what is this about? 294 00:21:52,700 --> 00:21:56,200 What kind of impulse am I feeling around the 295 00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:59,400 people-pleasing? Am I trying to avoid conflict? 296 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:01,800 Am I looking for connection? Is this? 297 00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:06,400 An empathy situation where I'm simply really perceptive and 298 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:10,400 really feeling this other person we want to slow things down a 299 00:22:10,408 --> 00:22:15,800 bit so that you can discern what's going on and then make an 300 00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:21,900 intentional decision, it's okay to be a people pleaser As long 301 00:22:21,900 --> 00:22:27,000 as you're doing it intentionally and not out of habit or because 302 00:22:27,000 --> 00:22:30,700 you don't know what else to do. Or because you're afraid of 303 00:22:30,700 --> 00:22:34,800 doing something else, right? We actually just want to harness 304 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:38,200 that and use it. And it's most beneficial way in 305 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:41,800 a way that's beneficial for you and for your team and for the 306 00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:47,800 mission and not just about relieving the discomfort in the 307 00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:52,700 moment that you're experiencing. Being because of what you're 308 00:22:52,700 --> 00:22:57,100 seeing this other person having a difficult emotion. 309 00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:01,500 As one specific example, I had a manager that was working with me 310 00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:05,200 and it was at the beginning of the pandemic and she was feeling 311 00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:08,700 really bad because she thought my team is so unhappy right now. 312 00:23:08,700 --> 00:23:12,000 I feel like I'm doing a bad job because if I was doing a good 313 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:16,000 job they would be happy and I said, look, we're still early in 314 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:18,200 this pandemic. We don't really know what's 315 00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:20,500 going to happen. We don't know all the way. 316 00:23:20,700 --> 00:23:24,700 Is that their personal lives are being affected or their extended 317 00:23:24,700 --> 00:23:27,400 family? Actually, what if them being 318 00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:32,100 unhappy is a perfectly normal, and healthy response to the 319 00:23:32,100 --> 00:23:34,500 situation and circumstances that they're in. 320 00:23:34,900 --> 00:23:40,800 What if you being a good manager is being okay with them, feeling 321 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:44,800 how they're feeling and being able to support them through 322 00:23:44,800 --> 00:23:48,500 that, and through all of these challenges in the ways that 323 00:23:48,600 --> 00:23:53,100 you're able to do that. And And it really helped her to 324 00:23:53,100 --> 00:23:58,300 see her role in a different light and also to take off some 325 00:23:58,300 --> 00:24:02,100 of the feeling of blame or failure and just get a 326 00:24:02,100 --> 00:24:06,000 perspective that was actually more useful and I would offer it 327 00:24:06,000 --> 00:24:11,300 was even more honoring of the entire team in the entire 328 00:24:11,300 --> 00:24:15,400 situation. So that is what I wanted to 329 00:24:15,400 --> 00:24:18,000 offer to you today. Some insight around 330 00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:22,600 people-pleasing and offer a little bit of Is to yourself. 331 00:24:22,600 --> 00:24:25,700 If you're a person who has a pattern of that, there are 332 00:24:25,708 --> 00:24:28,700 probably some situations where that's actually a very valuable 333 00:24:28,700 --> 00:24:31,300 thing to have. We just want to make sure that 334 00:24:31,300 --> 00:24:35,500 it's not running the show. And if you want help with that, 335 00:24:35,500 --> 00:24:40,200 we can definitely work on it. Reach Out Below and we'll talk 336 00:24:40,300 --> 00:24:44,000 about how I can help you see that, all right, that is what I 337 00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:47,300 have for you today. I hope you have a wonderful rest 338 00:24:47,300 --> 00:24:50,300 of your week and I will talk to you next time. 339 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:54,200 Bye. Hey before you go if you like 340 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:59,600 this podcast leave a review. Tell me why you listen and what 341 00:24:59,600 --> 00:25:01,900 has helped you? Thanks so much. 342 00:25:01,900 --> 00:25:03,100 I'll see you next time.