Welcome to the new manager podcast.
I'm your host, Kim nickel. Hello, and welcome.
I'm glad that you're here. I hope you're doing well and I
wanted to start today by sharing a little story.
I was talking with one of my clients and she said to me, you
know, as I'm thinking about stepping up into a higher level
leadership role and managing people.
I have this idea that maybe a lot of managing people is about
dealing with a lot. The motions and I kind of
laughed because I thought, yeah, that's very well.
Put a lot of managing. People means that you're dealing
with more emotions, your own emotions.
The emotions of the people that are on your team, the emotions
of your managers and the higher-level people that you now
have perspective on the emotions of cross-functional teams and
what they want from your Team and when so I thought it was
beautifully put and wanted to share it with you and it
reminded me to that, okay? Actually, let me pause, let me
back up a little bit. So this is the new manager
podcast. I started this podcast for my
students back in 2017 when I first started teaching this new
manager class and I wanted to provide like, an audio library
at resources for continuous learning for my students.
And so you might think that because I'm the host of the new
manager podcast, and because I'm a coach, you might think that, I
only coach people around management and Leadership and
that's actually not true. I am a general life coach.
And what that means is, I could to my clients on all the things
and the clients who come to me for leadership coaching, we
always get into life stuff because who you are as a person
including your Past your experience.
Now, in the present with your current life, all of that
influences, the decisions you make as a leader.
And the way that you think about leadership and the decisions and
the choices that you make, when you're faced with problems
opportunities, all of the normal stuff at work.
And I will also tell you that the people who come to me for
straight life coaching, you know, they say, I'm at a place
in my life where I want someone To professionally, help me
navigate through all the things, we always end up talking about
work because our work is such a big part of our life, not just
in terms of how much time in the day or in the week that you
spend in work but also our internal sense of identity.
Oh my gosh, sometimes our sense of who we are and how we are
valued is so wrapped up. In our work experience, our
sense of confidence, our sense of belief, in what is possible
for us. All of that connects with our
work. And so in the coaching that I
do, I'm always welcoming all of the things work personal like, I
don't really see them as that distinct.
I think of work as the venue in your life.
Were you human with other humans?
It's simply a venue. It's simply a place that you
live and, you know, you have thoughts about that and you have
dreams about that. And you've got probably some
past pain and scars from bad experiences you've had.
And you know, it like it all is connected.
And so I share that because I was thinking today, with all of
the clients that I work with, what is The real heart of the
work that we do together and honestly, it's about identifying
the real problem. And what I mean by that is I
might have a client come to me and say, okay I'm having some
problems with this person on my team and they have a story about
what is going wrong and why it's difficult and why it's a problem
and the initial thought might be this person on my team is a
problem. But what Happens, is that we
investigate that let's explore the story.
Let's understand more about, you know, what's going on and why
what makes it problematic and what's happening here?
And sometimes what ends up happening is we discover.
Well, the real problem in this situation is that you have a
really hard time setting boundaries or that you have a
really hard time, letting go of control because you're afraid
that they'll do it wrong or that you have a really hard. time
being clear and direct or that right now, the actual real
problem is that you're struggling with your childcare
situation and so you're feeling really distracted, you're
feeling guilt about being a bad parent, and as a result, there's
just less energy available to manage this person effectively
and if we solve for the Guilt and help you find a solution to
the childcare issue and how you're thinking about that.
Then you actually show up at work so much more calm so much
more clear so much more confident in your ability to be
clear and direct and to communicate effectively with
this other person. And then that changes
everything. Sometimes the actual problem is
some kind of Issue. So you might be thinking all
this person at work, they're such a problem.
They're not they're not doing this correctly and as we explore
and start to understand what's happening and why, and like,
where's this coming from and what is it?
That makes this problematic? What you might discover is the
issue is not the person, but actually the process and the
systems that are happening around that person.
So maybe there is some kind of Gap in on.
Boarding and they're not getting the information they need when
they need it. And so they, you know, do this
thing and it turns out badly. But when we understand, what is
the real problem, we need to solve for a couple things
happen. Number one, there's usually a
sense of relief like the pressure that you're feeling to
solve for this starts to lift because you realize, oh, I
hadn't looked at it that way. And now that I'm looking at it
in this different way, Can see a path forward so it's that it
starts to feel easier. You see that more as possible,
you stop blaming either. You stop blaming yourself or you
stop blaming somebody else but I found it's fascinating that any
kind of blame, whether you're blaming somebody else, or
whether you're blaming yourself either direction, it is
exhausting. It takes so much energy, It
takes your time. And as a side note, this is why
venting it feels good in the moment.
But then it just feels draining again, because if you're only
venting, your simply adding energy to The Story, You're
making the problem, feel bigger, and more Vivid and more clear,
but it doesn't provide you with a path forward.
And so Can end up just, you know, leaving you more stuck
without any idea of what to do differently or how to approach
this differently. So in coaching and I talked
about this a bit last episode, right?
Like part of the work is, let's understand what's really going
on with you and the situation you're facing.
How can we look at this in a way that provides more clarity and
that path forward. So it's not just venting and
adding To the story. Another example of why it's
important to identify the problem.
And when you are in a leadership role, this can also get tricky
because there will be plenty of people who agree with you.
When you say, I have this problem on my team and this one
person is just really underperforming.
And if you're only looking at it through that one lens, then you
are going to miss all. All the other possible solutions
available to you. Another way to say, this is the
way you define, the problem will Define the solutions that are
available. And when you start to look at it
through a few different angles, when you begin to ask, what else
could be going on here? What is this really about that?
Opens up possibility, it creates new ideas and new Solutions.
Oceans and that changes everything.
Because when you learn how to do that, then you know that any
challenge or any problem you face in the outside world, you
have the preparation inside of you, you have the tools, the
ideas, the perspectives inside, you have the resources to
address anything, even the problems you haven't even
thought of yet. When you know to ask, how else
can I look at this? What is the real problem here?
I was chatting with a friend and they were telling me how they
had really struggled with their manager, and had felt really
bad, like they weren't doing a good enough job.
They were frustrated that their manager didn't recognize their
strengths and it just felt stuck.
Like the manager wasn't changing and my friend couldn't figure
out what to do to change and then then my friend talk to a
coach and the coach said you need to get a new manager.
Let's solve this. The problem is not, you know,
what the manager is doing. The problem is, why are you
staying with a manager that doesn't recognize your strengths
and isn't able to support you? And it was so amazing seeing my
friends expression change and she just lit up and she said, of
course, that's what I need to do.
I need to find a new manager. And she ended up staying in the
same company, but finding a different position in a
different manager and that little mindset change.
I thought that is exactly it and I'm so glad she had someone to
help her to see that clearly because often we're so convinced
of what we know and what we see that we stop looking, we stopped
looking for other possibilities. We stopped looking at other
angles different way. Is it looking at our problem?
Because we become so attached to our story, about what the
problem is. And when you realize, okay, I
can look at this differently, then maybe the real issue is
your sense of confidence, your idea about what's possible.
Maybe it's about a fear of asking for something and feeling
like, you can't. And I like to think about this
sometimes as like, every Problem has an outside part and an
inside part. So if you're driving and there's
traffic and you're going to be late.
The outside part of this problem is that there is traffic and so
you're not able to drive as fast as you thought you could, and
you're looking at the clock and you're realizing I'm going to be
late for this appointment, that's the outside problem.
The inside part of the problem is what you decide to do about
it and how it makes you feel. ER, so if you start thinking
really angry thoughts about everybody else, that is an
inside problem. That is like the inside part of
that, you losing your temper and feeling angry.
That is about what you're thinking about yourself and
about these other people that's an inside problem, because you
could also be in that same situation.
And on the inside, you could think of, oh, all right, so
maybe there's an accident. Or something, you know there's
just a lot of people on the road right now and I hadn't accounted
for that. So here's what I'm going to do.
Instead I'll simply you know call and let them know that I'm
running late or I will simply enjoy listening to the rest of
this podcast instead of knowing they'll have to cut it off the
way that you decide to think about it and feel about it.
That is the part that you get to have so much more control over
if That you think, oh, what's wrong with me?
Why didn't I check the traffic before I left?
I always do this. Why can't I figure this out?
If you go to beat up on yourself and turn a very unkind, look to
yourself. Number one, realize that is
optional, that is not a required perspective and number to
realize you can change that if you want to.
And this is what I love great because If you can learn to
distinguish between the outside part of the problem and the
inside part of the problem, you always know how to work with
your internal resources, how to look to your own thinking, your
own emotions, your own perspective.
When you start to identify, what's the real problem?
Here, things change in the most incredible way.
Is so that is what I wanted to leave you with and maybe
actually this final note to you, here's a way to apply this in
your own life. Be really honest with yourself
whenever you're facing a problem, give yourself
permission like, if you like to journal, write it all down, but
right out the story of what the problem is, and be as honest and
judgmental and unkind as you want.
You just Want to be truthful about how you're seeing things
in this moment. Then once you get that story out
of you, where you can see it on paper, then take a step back and
ask yourself. What's the real problem here?
I'll give you a short example. Last year.
I was working on a project and I had to request from somebody
else, in the organization, their approval for this, you know,
thing that I wanted to do in the project.
Act and I requested it and they said, no, I was so angry, I was
so frustrated. And I had to slow down for a
moment and I wrote down. Okay, what do I really think
about this person? And I wrote down their being
difficult, they're short-sighted, they don't
understand, you know, they don't value me.
They don't value this project. I wrote down all of the things
about them. I was projecting onto them and
it felt really good at the in the moment that was kind of the
venting part. I'm going to be really honest
about all the thoughts. I have about this person and you
know, they are the problem they should have said, yes to my
request. I was very thoughtful in my
request. I told them exactly what they
needed and they still declined to approve it.
You know how dare they like there's there.
I was really, I just want to be honest with you.
Like it was not my best moment, but I wrote that all down and
then I took a step back and I asked myself, okay, so Kim,
what's the real problem here? And when I asked myself, that
question, and I looked at everything, I wrote what I
realized was the problem was I thought they should have said,
yes, if I go to this trouble, To prepare a very thoughtful
proposal and I put it forward to them in what I thought was the
right way, then they should approve of my request and I
should get my way like that was it.
My inner thought was the problem is I should get my way because I
did it, right? And once I saw that all the
anger dissipated all the frustration Like in my body, it
felt like there was a tight Fist.
And I was just feeling so angry about this person and all of a
sudden, I felt this relief and just a softening through my
shoulders and my neck. And I thought, oh, that's why
I'm mad is because I want to get my way like it's very simple,
and I feel very Justified that I should get my way.
Because in my mind I did everything right and I think
this is a real blind spot for a lot of us.
Who are good at school, who are good at, you know, like
following the rules in order to get the outcome that we want
because we have such an attachment to an idea about how
things are supposed to go. And then when someone else does
something that we're not expecting that feels like a
Personal attack or like, we've been personally, let down.
And that things are all all of a sudden.
Now, everything is wrong and this other person is messing up.
I wouldn't have been able to see that at the outset it really
required me slowing down, writing out all the real reasons
why I thought this was a problem and why was angry so that I
could then see oh this is what's happening and I realized oh yeah
that's actually not how Things happen.
That's not the way the world works.
There could be so many reasons that this person denied.
My request that actually has nothing to do with me and I'm
taking it really personally and I share this because we do this
all the time and often we don't even realize it because it seems
so true. It's really hard to see that for
ourselves in the moment. And that's also why when my
client initially mentioned to me Well, I think managing people is
a lot about dealing with emotions.
I kind of smiled and laughed because the answer is.
Yes. Humans are emotional creatures
and the more that you can work with and understand what's
behind your emotions and the thinking that is driving those
emotions, and those actions, and those choices, the better
prepared, you are to deal with, whatever comes your way.
So that's what I wanted to share with you today.
Thank you so much for listening and I will see you next time.
When you're more effective at work, you're happier in your
life. And when you're happier in your
life you're more effective at work.
I can help go to my website. Kim nickel.com and sign up for a
coaching consult, it can get better.