Welcome to the new manager podcast.
I'm your host, Kim nickel. Hello and welcome.
I hope you're doing well and I hope you're having a good day.
I'm really glad that you're here because today I want to talk
with you about communication skills.
And there are three different parts to this episode today.
They all fit together, I think of it like facets on a jewel.
So, we'll turn this Jewel over a few different ways to look at
these different. Different facets but they all
connect. So around communication
specifically, we'll talk about public speaking.
So this is the kind of communication you do using your
voice to speak to other people will set aside for the moment.
The communication we do through written language, either emails
or, you know, messaging through teams or slack and we're just
looking at the physical With your body communication that we
do. We'll also talk about that in
the context of giving feedback because in the workplace giving
feedback is something you will do as a manager.
It's often a specific requirement.
Whether you do that informally to Simply get work done or
whether you're thinking in the context of a formal review,
process giving feedback is something you will do.
Sometimes you will do that using your actual voice in real time.
Looking at another person, which is a whole challenge in, and of
itself, and kind of one of the themes to all of this is the
question of how, how do I do this?
And there's a lot, we need to talk about with respect to that
question. So, let me start by sharing some
context with you on my Public speaking Journey.
When I was a kid, I was a shy kid.
I was quiet. I was introverted.
I was not a very, you know, extroverted, you know, kid.
I was very quiet kid. And yet whenever there was a
situation where we had to speak in front of the class, we had to
read a story or we had to deliver a presentation, I always
raised my hand to go first. And this surprised some of my
teachers, they did not expect the quiet kid to want to raise
her hand to go, first to speak in front of the class.
But I had a very good reason for doing this.
It was because I wanted to be in control of this uncomfortable
experience. What I found was that if I was
waiting to be called on my anxiety, grew and I became more
and more uncomfortable, Able and I felt so nervous like I could
be literally shaking and I hated that feeling.
And what I learned was if I wrote If I raised my hand and I
went first then it would be over and I could relax for the rest
of the time that feeling of uncertainty of not knowing when
I would be called on was for me the worst feeling the other
thing that happened if I waited Not only did I have the anxiety
of not knowing when I would be called on, but I would have to
watch the other kids deliver their story or or deliver their
presentation, and then I would start to compare myself and I
would compare myself to the kids who are really good and think,
oh my gosh, I'm not going to be as good as them.
You know, what if I stumble on my words?
What if I'm not funny, what if their story is just better than
mine, so I would go into all this comparison.
And and that would make me feel bad.
Or to the kids that really struggled, I would completely
identify with them and I would think, oh no, I will also do a
bad job and then I'll feel as bad as I feel for them right
now. And so either way it was just
worse for me. So I learned early on even
though I was very reserved, very quiet, kind of kept to myself,
very introverted kid, I would raise my hand to go first.
I could control the situation, I would eliminate all of the
comparing and then I could just enjoy the rest of the time.
And I mentioned this because you know many many years later I
became a teacher I became a coach and I would have been
spent a lot of time like years of my work life.
In this role of coaching and facilitating large groups and
doing it in a very introverted. A Third Way, meaning doing it
being very grounded, very calm, wanting to shape the experience
and take control, so that it becomes a really useful and
valuable time for everybody. And what I would find is a lot
of my students initially would be surprised that I identify as
an introvert because I'm so comfortable in front of people,
but I would just remind them. Well, when you know that you are
the one running this event. You can feel a lot more relaxed
because you're not the one getting called on and not
knowing. When you're going to be asked to
speak, I have a lot more nervousness when I'm in a
situation that I am not facilitating or that I am not
the lead person in because it introduces all of this
uncertainty. So if you are a person who has
felt a lot of anxiety around public speaking, I wanted to
offer this as as a potential way to think about it, that it might
be around. Where do you find your ability
to exert control over an uncomfortable situation?
And it's possible to be an introvert and to also be a very
effective speaker, when you know, how to approach the
situation in a way that makes it easiest for you.
And as a manager, if you are leading a meeting it is so
helpful to understand that some of the folks on that call might
be introverts and they might hate being in a situation where
they don't know when they will be asked to speak, they can
create so much anxiety and especially if you add the
additional layer of someone who's brand-new to an
organization or someone who is multilingual, and English might
not be their first language, or it, Not be there, most
comfortable language and so it can add additional stress or
pressure. Just having this in mind.
Can help you to make decisions around.
How am I going to run this meeting.
So it's not complete silence in the room.
Or I don't have certain people, taking control, and doing all of
the talking and never hearing from other people in the room.
So that ended up going off in a more facilitative Direction than
I expected when I started talking about this, but there
you go, added notes. So anyways, so public speaking,
even if you're a person who is uncomfortable about it, that's
okay. Also, it's often part of the job
as you rise into leadership roles and as you manage people,
you'll be speaking using your voice conveying information.
Making a request giving bad news facilitating a decision, getting
information from people. There are so many situations
when you will need to speak using your voice and a couple of
things I want to give you tips on.
So for three years right up until the pandemic, most of my
work was doing. Matej Tada workshops and
Communications coaching specifically on public speaking
and the three, you know, the core elements to this skill.
Our number one understanding, there's a difference between
what you say. That's the words that are going
to come out of your mouth and how you say it, two separate
skills. What am I going to say?
And then, how am I going to say it?
The, how is going to be about the use of your voice?
That means your volume, your tone, your speed, some of us are
naturally fast talkers. Some of us naturally speak more
slowly all of us tend to speak faster when we feel nervous or
under pressure and also the how that we speak is also about the
volume. So are we speaking very loud or
are we speaking in a softer voice?
And also, you know, what is the, the body language that were
conveying your message with not just the gestures but also your
facial expressions and I mentioned that not because you
ever want to micromanage yourself in that way.
But it's really helpful. When you think about, when
you're communicating the words, you use are really only a small
part of that. There is all of this.
Other part of how you communicate which is about
conveying information through your body language or
Expressions, but also the way you deliver it, with your voice,
with your volume, with your speed, with your tone.
And one of the things that makes this so difficult for people to
learn and implement, it has nothing to do with the
technique. And this was what I think was so
interesting. Is that The actual technique is
really simple and I taught this for three solid years.
I taught this to brand new college graduates.
And their very first job after school, I taught the same exact
techniques to, you know, the chief technology officer of a
publicly traded organization with global employees
everywhere. Like, and the problems the
challenges, Has are the exact same for both people.
It has nothing to do with understanding the technique.
It's all about the question of authenticity.
How do I do this in a way that feels authentic to me, it's all
around how you're thinking about yourself whether you're thinking
oh I just can't do that. That's not like me or whether
you're thinking how can I do this to let more of my authentic
Voice come through? It's not about using the Rules
are not it's about understanding your own mindset because that is
what will either cause you to use the tool or to abandon it
and kind of spin on the hamster wheel of.
But I don't know how, I don't know how, I don't know how.
And as a coach it was fascinating for me because I
would think but I just told you how you pause.
Oh, but I don't know how to pause him.
I've always been a fast talker and so, you know, for me so much
of my work as a coach was Is learning how to connect, you
know, someone with where they were, and what their specific
Challenge and obstacle was. So they could then use the
technique in a way that was genuine for them.
And my goal is a coach and this was something it was so
interesting. I would always have to explain
this at the beginning. Was my goal is not to make you
like me. I don't want you to speak the
way that I speak. I want you to take these tools.
And use them in a way that will be effective for you and in a
way that will bring more of your authentic personality and style
forward. And one of the things that was
really cool when I was doing really big trainings, like 60
people 100 people is that we would always have multiple
coaches. And so, then my students could
see very clearly that me and these four other coaches, we're
all using the same techniques. But we are using them in very
individual ways and I mentioned this in part because you know
it's still January. So we're still kind of in the
season of evaluation and making decisions about what what you
want to have be different for you this year and you might be
reading books or blogs or, you know, you're listening to
podcasts about how to do things differently.
And the place people always fall down It is never around
understanding the concept or technique.
You understand the concept and technique and moreover, it's
really easy to learn what those Concepts and techniques are.
It is so easy to go on Google and ask how do I speak with
greater confidence or how do I give feedback, or how do I
manage this team better? It's really easy to get all of
that information. But the place, I'm, I just want
you to know. This is where you're going to
sort of fall back into your patterns, is because the
implementation part requires that, you update how you think
of yourself and you identify, what are those internal
obstacles that are keeping you from using and applying the
tools and the techniques everybody has them.
Everybody has them but understanding like what is your
current thought process? And what is it?
That is prohibiting you from adopting and implementing and
using a new idea that is really the thing you want to pay
attention to. Otherwise you end up with like
the stack of books and all the tools and all of the trainings
but you don't actually see the result of the change because
you're not incorporating. That so bringing it back to
public speaking and how you communicate information.
And first just being aware of what are the tools you have
available around your voice, whether you speak in a loud
voice or a soft voice, whether you're a fast talker or a slow
talker, whether you are, you know, have a lot of expression.
And the way that you convey information That's one piece of
it. The other piece of it, of
course, being the words that you choose and when we're thinking
about feedback now for a moment, so much of giving feedback you
will spend all your time thinking about what do I say?
What should I say? I don't even know how to talk to
them about this because when you think about what should I say,
You're really thinking a couple steps ahead thinking about the
other person. And wondering, what will they do
when you say this? We're often trying to manage
like two or three steps ahead and when you're thinking about
how the other person will receive what you have to tell
them. There are two big forces.
One is fear, what are you afraid?
Will happen if you get it wrong. Are you afraid they'll cry?
Are you afraid they'll shut down?
Are you afraid they'll yell at you?
Are you afraid? They'll escalated into an
argument? Are you afraid that they will
lie to you? Are you afraid that?
You know, they will say yes to you and then you'll really have
to step up. Like, what are you afraid of and
what do you desire? What do you really want to have
happen as a result of this feedback?
What do you want to be different?
What do you I hope will change as a result of this
conversation. Maybe you hope that they'll
change their behavior. Maybe you hope that they'll give
you feedback, maybe you'll hope that things will happen on time.
Maybe you'll hope that like, what is the thing?
You hope will be different as a result of giving this feedback
and if you have ever stayed awake at night, playing, oh,
Over and over in your mind. I know I have to have this
conversation. I really don't want to.
Here's what I'm afraid will happen.
Here's what I really really want to happen and wondering how do I
say this in order to control the other person in order to try and
control that outcome? If you have been there I want
you to know that you are not alone.
That is a normal human thing especially as we're Rise in to
manager roles. And if you do not yet, have a
manager, I'm confident that you have had a similar experience,
thinking about giving feedback to your manager or to someone in
a position of authority over you.
Because when we have those power differentials, then we really do
think carefully and in a very measured way, is this even worth
it? To bring this up.
Or will I just keep my mouth shut and find a way to cope and
work around it. We all make those calculations
based on what we think will happen.
It's helpful to understand when you do this because also as you
manage others it may help. You understand that everyone you
work with is also doing this too.
So giving feedback being aware that, there's what you say,
there's how you say it realizing, how much of your
energy is going into your thoughts, about what will
happen, how might this other person respond and it's also
going to go into your thoughts of what you think it makes it
mean about you. Like, if this person reacts with
anger, what does that mean about?
You does that mean you're doing a bad job?
Maybe maybe not maybe responding with anger, is a really
understandable response that this person is going to have the
question then becomes. How are you going to be in that
situation? What do you want to do with
that? Next, what I find is that when
we are in the place of managing others, so much of it is about
relationships. And we create relationships
through the way that we communicate, which what is why
it becomes so important. And when we're speaking, while
we're doing that communication and I'll live setting, you can
feel a lot of pressure because once the words come out of your
mouth, you can't bring them back and something will change and
one of the most scary and frustrating and things and
anxious Parts about it, is that that moment.
It of, you know, feeling like things are not in your control
that you cannot be in charge of what's going to happen with this
other person and what they're going to say or how they're
going to respond. So that's a lot.
Let's bring it back to a couple of different points.
So number one, if you're an introvert, if speaking publicly
is something that is always created a lot of stress for you.
A lot of anxiety. If you know, that's a place that
you want to build more confidence in, I want to give
you a high five right now because that level of
self-awareness is fantastic and it's normal when you rise in in
levels of responsibility and Leadership.
You're often called upon to be more visible, which can create
pressure and stress and to do more verbal communication, which
is a skill set in and of itself. Not everyone is trained in it.
A lot of us have to figure it out as we go, but you can get
specific training in it. I trained people for years and
this and I bring it into my coaching when people want it.
Understand it's a thing you can learn and Can get better at
also. Realize it's a question of how
will you develop this skill to use it?
In a you kind of way you don't have to be a big performative.
You know kind of motivational speaker style speaker in order
to be very effective. You can do it in a you kind of
way the techniques will help but most importantly of all Paul,
it's your mindset. It's the way that you're
thinking, it's what your attention is on, its what you're
thinking and how you're thinking.
And honestly, I have found that coaching is the number one place
to do the work to develop your mindset.
So, one of the things that I love about the work I do, so
definitely reach out to me. If you want help with that, And
understanding that when you are giving feedback there is going
to be the mindset around like what is it that I want to say?
What do I want to be different understanding?
What am I afraid of and getting all that sorted out before you
initiate the conversation so that you can be as prepared and
grounded and to create a really valuable and effective feedback
conversation for you. And for this person, I think
that feedback is one of the skills that is sort of the one
that is most required and is really easily overlooked.
And I think, you know, it's not for a bad reason, but most of
most of the organization's, I've worked with, don't give specific
guidance on how to do feedback. Well, They just assume well
you've received feedback before so you should just know how to
give it or they'll offer like a do-it-yourself training to
follow along. But the place that you're going
to get hung up on is not the specific tools, but how you
specifically apply it because of your own anxiety, your own
self-doubt. The specific places where your
confidence is not there for you. That's what?
We want to understand so that you can address it and then show
up in your most confident effective self when you're
giving feedback. So the question of how, you
know, how do I do this? How do I do it?
Well, I just want to give you the little heads up that there's
the technical part, right? Like you'll know how it's easy
to answer that the word, how you just go on Google.
You can Google how get all the videos.
Get all of the the You know, answers that you could possibly
ever want. But at some point you need to
let go of that kind of how and you need to get into the, let me
apply this and let me find a way to make this mine.
And what I love is that when you make it yours and you begin to
connect, who you are as a person with the tools and you start to
use them in your own way. Way in your organization with
the people and the specific people that you work with that
becomes a little bit magical and it is so useful for now and for
the rest of your life, truly like for the rest of your
career, as you start to unlock and you start to use these
little, you know, these little tools.
One at a time, just like step by step the smallest.
Changes create the biggest changes and that to me is pretty
exciting. So that is what I wanted to
share with you today. Thoughts about public speaking
thoughts, about giving feedback, understanding the how question
and also I guess this is where I want to land and kind of leave
you at the end of the day with all of this.
Bring so much compassion to yourself.
Forgive yourself for not knowing how forgive yourself, where you
feel like you struggle. You're not behind, you're
exactly where you need to be for right now, and you're always
just one step from the next smallest thing that will make
the biggest difference. So don't be hard on yourself.
It's okay. We all learn.
We all have our own Learning Journey and a lot of us are
being asked to learn things. We wouldn't have expected.
We needed to know how to do in the particular circumstances and
conditions in which we are learning them.
So that is what I want to leave you with today.
I hope it's helpful and I hope you have an amazing rest of your
day. I'll talk to you later.
Bye. Hey, before you go if you like
this podcast, leave a review. Tell me why you listen and what
has helped you? Thanks so much.
I'll see you next time.