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Welcome to the New Manager 
Podcast. 

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I'm your host, Kim Nicol. 
Hello and welcome. 

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I'm glad you're here and I hope 
you're doing well. 

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Today I wanted to highlight a 
very important topic that every 

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new manager needs to have on 
their radar. 

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And this is the topic of 
emotions. 

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We have them. 
We are humans. 

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They are a normal part of the 
human experience. 

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And it's interesting because in 
the workplace sometimes you'll 

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hear people talk about, you 
know, being professional means 

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not having emotions, making 
decisions, not from an emotional

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place. 
And I kind of get that, But I 

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think that really overlooks the 
reality of being a human and 

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working with others. 
You know, when we think about 

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how do I motivate my team, we're
looking for an emotion, right? 

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Motivation is that sense of 
desire to participate and be 

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engaged? 
Motivation has emotion kind of 

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baked into it when we are doing 
things like employee pulse 

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surveys and trying to get a 
sense of how people feel. 

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When we think about morale, is 
morale high? 

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Is morale low? 
That's an emotion thing. 

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When we are asking, you know, do
our staff and team have 

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confidence in our leadership and
our decisions? 

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That's an emotion. 
And the answer to that will 

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indicate the kind of work you're
able to do together. 

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And it can really point to the 
health or the trouble that a 

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team or that an organization is 
in. 

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You know, it's a lot harder to 
work well when there's no trust,

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when morale is low, when people 
are not motivated. 

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All of those are emotion things.
So I find there's a lot of value

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in #1 acknowledging humans have 
emotions. 

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That is normal. 
It is absolutely part of our 

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professional life and the more 
that you can become comfortable 

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with the emotion part of being a
human and working with humans 

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and understanding that, the more
you will be able to influence 

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and lead and inspire and be more
effective in how you work with 

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people. 
It sometimes is tricky because 

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for a lot of us, you know, we we
never received specific guidance

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or teachings on how to work with
emotions. 

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And there's definitely also a 
social kind of gender norm 

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around what emotions are 
expected in in humans, kind of 

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depending on where they are 
across the the gender norm. 

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And so I want to acknowledge 
that because that's also part of

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the reality that's influencing 
how we work together is 

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understanding, you know, where 
you grew up and how you grew up.

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You definitely received some 
messages about what emotions 

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were OK for you to demonstrate 
or to have, and what emotions 

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did you need to hide or cloak or
distance yourself from. 

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It's really interesting. 
I think when we kind of look at 

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things through that lens, it 
helps us to make better sense of

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the challenges that we face in 
relationships at work and the 

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opportunities we have to change 
the way we do things and do 

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things a little bit better. 
So one emotion I want to 

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highlight today is the emotion 
of disappointment. 

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I think it's one of the most 
influential emotions because we 

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tend to bend over backwards to 
avoid it. 

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We don't want to feel it. 
And this is, you know, when 

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people tell me the, you know, 
they'll say, oh, I would rather 

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not try and rather like I would 
rather not try something because

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if I try and fail, I'll feel so 
disappointed and it will feel so

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bad like that. 
Sometimes when people talk about

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a fear of failure, what they're 
really pointing to is a fear of 

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being disappointed when they 
fail. 

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And what that will mean about 
them. 

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Like the the idea sometimes of 
holding the dream but not going 

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for it feels easier than holding
the dream, going for it. 

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And then the fear that now 
you're encountering a potential 

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disappointment. 
And disappointment is often so 

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uncomfortable that we will also 
avoid conversations with others 

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when we fear that they will be 
disappointed. 

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That's that, that feeling that 
comes up when, for example, 

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let's say you have someone on 
your team and they're really 

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hoping to get a promotion or 
they really want a raise and you

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want that for them, but you're 
not able to grant it either 

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because you don't have the 
authority, you don't have the 

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budget. 
Maybe they're not performing at 

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the level that would permit you 
to give them the raise. 

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Like they think they're 
performing above expectations, 

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but based on what you've seen, 
they're not. 

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And so you know that they will 
be disappointed that they are 

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not getting the thing that think
that they the thing that they 

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are not getting the thing, you 
know they want. 

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And so the discomfort of, oh, 
I'm going to have to tell this 

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person they're not getting what 
they want, and they will feel 

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disappointed, and then I will 
feel bad. 

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And there can be so much 
discomfort in expecting someone 

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else to feel disappointed that 
we end up avoiding those 

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conversations or cloaking them 
and not being direct, not being 

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clear. 
And so one of the places that 

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you can start, especially with 
disappointment, because I think 

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this comes into play often more 
than we realize. 

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It's kind of in the background, 
and we'll describe it as a fear 

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of failure or a, you know, a 
fear of, you know, letting 

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people down, a fear of what will
people think. 

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And really underneath that, it's
some version of I just don't 

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want to feel disappointed and I 
don't want them to feel 

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disappointed. 
I think one of the reasons why 

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is because we often have 
unclear, unexpressed 

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expectations, because 
disappointment only exists in 

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the presence of some kind of 
expectation. 

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And when that expectation is not
met, then we feel let down. 

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Then we feel disappointed. 
And sometimes we're very clear 

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about what the expectation is. 
Sometimes, though, we're not, 

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and it isn't until we feel bad 
we feel let down. 

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We can start to ask what was the
expectation that I had that 

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maybe I didn't even realize was 
there until I felt really bad 

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that it wasn't met? 
And as a pro tip, you can bring 

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the same kind of inquiry into 
other relationships and other 

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areas of your life I think you 
might have heard of a few 

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episodes ago. 
I shared the burrito experience 

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where I had expected to order a 
breakfast burrito, but when I 

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got to the cafe they were sold 
out. 

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So my expectation was I'll wake 
up in the morning, I'll go to 

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the cafe, I'll order a breakfast
burrito and I will have it and 

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it will be delicious. 
But when I got there, I hadn't 

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expected that they might be sold
out. 

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And so I felt let down. 
You know, I was like, I guess I 

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could have a bagel. 
I don't really want one. 

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I want, you know, I want what I 
want, but it's not available. 

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But that was a pretty low level 
disappointment because it was a,

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you know, a pretty transactional
relationship. 

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And it didn't feel deeply 
hurtful to me that the 

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expectation wasn't met. 
Instead it was like, Oh yeah, 

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that happens sometimes, you 
know, cafes run out of stuff, 

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they sell out. 
And I guess I just assumed that 

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it would be available when I 
wanted it. 

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But in our relationships, in our
working relationships, in our 

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friendships and partnerships, 
sometimes we have expectations 

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that feel a little bit more 
weighty. 

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And then when the expectation 
isn't met, it can feel not just 

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like, Oh yeah, sometimes this 
happens. 

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It can actually feel like a 
betrayal. 

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Like I had expected if I did 
this, I would get that. 

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If I, you know, performed at 
this level, I would get a raise,

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I would get a bonus, I would get
a promotion. 

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And when that expectation isn't 
met, it can feel like a breach 

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of trust. 
It can feel like a betrayal. 

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And that's also why, especially 
when you're in this position 

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where you do have real power and
real influence over people's 

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livelihoods and over their 
career, it is so important to 

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have clarifying conversations 
about what, like I want to say, 

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what are we doing? 
What are the expectations, what 

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counts, like our people on track
so that we can avoid some of 

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those surprises. 
At the same time, sometimes 

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things will happen. 
You will have had an intention 

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and then something will change 
along the way. 

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And now maybe the company isn't 
in a position to follow through 

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and deliver on that expectation.
And so, in your role as a 

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manager, it is so important to 
understand how disappointment 

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shapes your decisions, shapes 
the way that you communicate or 

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don't communicate. 
And the advice that I would give

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to you like the way that I would
want you to think about it #1 

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Realize disappointment is part 
of the human experience. 

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So the goal is not to eliminate 
it from the human experience, 

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but to accept and understand. 
There will be times when you 

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feel disappointed and there will
be times when people that you 

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work with will feel 
disappointed. 

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The goal is not to avoid it 100%
of the time we want to accept. 

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Sometimes it will happen. 
The other thing you want to do 

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is to identify what are the 
expectations. 

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Be clear about the ones you can 
be clear about and ask or you 

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know do the work to reflect and 
identify what are the perhaps 

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unspoken expectations, Are there
clear agreements that also 

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support a particular 
expectation? 

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Has anything in the environment 
changed that might affect those 

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expectations and agreements? 
So it might be, you know, when 

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we first planned this a year 
ago, we thought things would go 

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this way. 
But now we've had some senior 

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leadership changes or our work 
environment has changed and now 

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we will not be able to fulfill 
that initial plan. 

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Can you communicate what's 
changing and why? 

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That often can help to add more 
of a feeling of understanding 

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when we kind of can see like, if
this was the expectation, why is

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it changing, right? 
Like, help us to understand and 

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see that. 
And the third thing you want to 

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do is you want to learn from it.
And sometimes that learning is 

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about yourself learning to feel 
uncomfortable, either on the 

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receiving side of disappointment
or learn to be OK with other 

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people feeling disappointed. 
There will be times when you 

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might be the bearer of bad news 
and someone might be 

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disappointed, but what your role
there is to communicate as 

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cleanly and as clearly and as 
compassionately as you can. 

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Sometimes we try to kind of fall
all over ourselves, trying to 

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apologize for things where that 
doesn't actually help because 

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it's actually not about the 
other person. 

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It's actually about you trying 
to not feel bad for 

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communicating a clear update or 
a clear, you know, like updating

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a clear change. 
So you want to learn from it and

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you want to be really curious. 
Curiosity is always your friend.

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You want to stay curious. 
You want to learn. 

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There might be expectations or 
desires, or you know, things 

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that the people on your team 
want that you weren't aware of. 

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They might have secretly hoped 
for something to happen and not 

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actually told you. 
So you want to stay curious. 

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You want to understand. 
You want to ask questions, to 

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understand how are they seeing 
things? 

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How is this landing for them? 
Once you do that, it's a lot 

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easier than to process the 
emotion, to let yourself feel it

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all the way through and then to 
continue to move forward in the 

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way that will best serve you, 
your team, your organization. 

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And I'm talking a lot about, you
know, you being in this 

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relationship with your team, but
also with your manager and your 

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leadership. 
There might be things that they 

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decide that you feel really 
disappointed by. 

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You want to be able to pause, 
accept the feeling, identify 

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where is it coming from, what 
was the unmet need or what was 

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the expectation that you're now 
seeing was there. 

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You want to learn from it. 
What is this disappointment 

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telling you? 
It might be telling you 

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something about your own 
particular values in the 

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workplace. 
It might be telling you about 

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something that's really 
important to you. 

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You want to understand and learn
from that feeling of 

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disappointment, and you want to 
be really curious. 

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And that curiosity can also hold
a sense of possibility in it, 

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like well, so that's not going 
to happen. 

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I wonder what's next? 
What else might be possible? 

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The more awareness, the more 
mindfulness you can bring to 

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emotions at work generally, and 
disappointment specifically, the

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more intentional you can be and 
the more courageous you can be 

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in your communication, in your 
decision making. 

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And my guess is that it will 
have you experiencing less 

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avoidance. 
We sometimes don't even realize 

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how much we're trying to make 
ourselves smaller or kind of 

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twist ourselves into a shape 
that will allow us to prevent or

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avoid disappointment. 
And I think sometimes what's 

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required is actually the 
willingness to feel 

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disappointed. 
Like I'm willing to ask for what

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I need and I'm willing to be 
disappointed if they say no 

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because I want to have a 
conversation about it and I want

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to communicate that this is my 
need or I want to communicate 

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this is my expectation, knowing 
full well I might be 

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disappointed. 
You know, I think this is also 

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sometimes why, if you are in a 
job search, right, we sometimes 

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don't apply for the jobs that 
feel expansive to us. 

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I don't want to feel 
disappointed if they say no. 

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So I'll apply for a job that 
feels really similar to where I 

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am or maybe even a little bit 
smaller, because then I feel 

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confident that I have the 
background for it. 

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And so if you're wanting to kind
of have this more expansive 

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experience in your own life, in 
your own career and in your 

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work, then it will require 
making some peace with this one 

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specific emotion, the fear of 
disappointment, of feeling it or

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a feeling responsible for 
someone else's disappointment. 

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So remember, it is human. 
It is sometimes hard to be 

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human, but disappointment is a 
an emotion. 

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It is a part of our human 
experience. 

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And in your role as a manager 
and a growing leader, you want 

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to have some, like a clear line 
of sight about how this emotion 

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works in your own life and might
be shaping your decisions and 

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assumptions in some ways that 
maybe you hadn't fully realized.

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It'll help you to deal with all 
kinds of situations every single

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day. 
So I want to thank you so much 

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for listening. 
And if this is something that 

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you want more help with, if 
you're really into learning 

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about emotions and how they 
affect us and how we work with 

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them and with teams and all of 
that, then I invite you to come 

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work with me. 
Go into the show notes. 

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You can book a free consultation
where we'll talk about what your

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00:17:49,200 --> 00:17:52,240
goals are, what you're working 
on and how I can help you. 

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00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:57,160
Or you can go to my website, 
kimnickel.com, and you'll find a

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00:17:57,160 --> 00:18:01,520
link to book a consult there and
we'll talk about what we can do 

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together. 
All right. 

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Thank you so much for listening.
I hope you have a great day and 

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I'll talk to you next time. 
When you're more effective at 

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work, you're happier in your 
life. 

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00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:18,800
And when you're happier in your 
life, you're more effective at 

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00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:20,480
work. 
I can help. 

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00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:25,080
Go to my website, kimnickel.com 
and sign up for a coaching 

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00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:27,480
consult. 
It can get better.