1 00:00:04,800 --> 00:00:07,600 Welcome to the new manager podcast. 2 00:00:07,700 --> 00:00:16,600 I'm your host, Kim nickel. Hello and welcome. 3 00:00:16,900 --> 00:00:19,300 I'm glad you're here and I hope you're doing well. 4 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:24,600 Today's episode is a little bit different because it is the 5 00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:29,300 audio of a workshop that I taught back in November the 6 00:00:29,300 --> 00:00:35,000 workshop was on boundaries with love and I was sharing also. 7 00:00:35,100 --> 00:00:40,000 My favorite kind of know which is the gentle know when you 8 00:00:40,008 --> 00:00:44,200 deliver a know It is a gentle. No, with a lot of love behind 9 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,700 it. It actually feels really good. 10 00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:50,500 Like it can feel good to give a gentle know and it can feel good 11 00:00:50,500 --> 00:00:52,200 to hear a gentle. No. 12 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:59,100 And it can create more connection more trust and just 13 00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:03,200 strengthen relationships with people who are important to us. 14 00:01:03,500 --> 00:01:07,500 Because of the timing of when I did this Workshop, there were 15 00:01:07,500 --> 00:01:13,100 some questions about how to use boundaries with Family at the 16 00:01:13,100 --> 00:01:16,800 holidays. And so, that's why I thought it 17 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:19,600 would be really helpful to share this with you. 18 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:23,700 Now, as we are in December coming into the end of the year 19 00:01:23,700 --> 00:01:27,700 and we are in that holiday season. 20 00:01:27,700 --> 00:01:33,500 One of the things I love about teaching, my students and 21 00:01:33,500 --> 00:01:39,000 working with my clients on having the confidence to have 22 00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:43,800 boundaries to know, How to use them effectively is that you 23 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:48,700 will use them in your workplace but also in your personal life 24 00:01:48,700 --> 00:01:53,100 and I think that's just a really great thing to have. 25 00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:58,500 It's really great to feel comfortable and confident in how 26 00:01:58,500 --> 00:02:02,300 you communicate, boundaries how you advocate for yourself, how 27 00:02:02,300 --> 00:02:08,100 you give feedback any of these? Contexts, it's just a great 28 00:02:08,100 --> 00:02:11,300 skill to have, so I won't keep you any longer. 29 00:02:11,300 --> 00:02:16,300 A longer you might take some notes but here we go, boundaries 30 00:02:16,400 --> 00:02:24,000 with love. This is boundaries with love as 31 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:29,700 we get started, I wanted to share a few specific guidelines 32 00:02:29,700 --> 00:02:32,200 for how I want us to use this time. 33 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:40,100 So number one, please take great care of yourself and what that 34 00:02:40,100 --> 00:02:45,100 means is, if you want to be off camera, be off camera. 35 00:02:45,500 --> 00:02:49,400 If you need to be eating food, right now, you can eat some food 36 00:02:49,900 --> 00:02:52,900 if you need to. To get a glass of water, do 37 00:02:52,900 --> 00:02:55,900 that? If there is a child or an animal 38 00:02:55,900 --> 00:02:58,400 nearby that needs your attention? 39 00:02:58,900 --> 00:03:04,000 It's okay to tend to that. Like I really want you to stay 40 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:08,900 connected to yourself and just know, like, what do you need in 41 00:03:08,900 --> 00:03:13,400 order to have the experience here at that will be of greatest 42 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:17,900 service to you. That also means that if you have 43 00:03:17,900 --> 00:03:20,600 a question, you can post that in the chat as we go. 44 00:03:21,300 --> 00:03:26,300 So is everyone, okay, taking really great care of yourself, 45 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:28,700 at least for the next 45 minutes. 46 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:35,000 Yeah, okay, excellent. So when I know that excellent, 47 00:03:35,000 --> 00:03:40,500 thank you Laura and when you know that, then we can all be 48 00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:44,000 more present, kind of just knowing how our expectations 49 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:47,300 are, how we're going to use our time and realize people will 50 00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:53,100 come and go and that's fine too. So This topic of boundaries with 51 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:58,200 love has been coming up a lot both like for me in the course 52 00:03:58,200 --> 00:04:03,800 of my own life but also I think especially around the holidays. 53 00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:08,200 It's a topic that comes up in our personal relationships and 54 00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:12,900 also in our work relationships. And so, when I talk about 55 00:04:12,900 --> 00:04:18,200 boundaries, there are two ways that I find incredibly helpful 56 00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:20,800 to think about them that I want to share with you. 57 00:04:21,500 --> 00:04:26,700 And the first is thinking of a boundary as an agreement that 58 00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:32,800 you make with your self. So for example, in our time here 59 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:36,400 you might have this agreement with yourself in part because I 60 00:04:36,407 --> 00:04:39,200 invited you into it. But this agreement of I'm going 61 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:42,100 to take really good care of myself while I'm in this 62 00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:43,700 meeting. That's an agreement. 63 00:04:43,700 --> 00:04:46,600 I'm going to make with myself so I'm going to make some decisions 64 00:04:46,600 --> 00:04:48,800 as we go based on that agreement. 65 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:51,800 That's my boundary. Like if I get thirsty, I'm going 66 00:04:51,800 --> 00:04:55,700 to go get a glass of water. That's just how I do. 67 00:04:56,100 --> 00:04:59,900 So you can think of it as that. It's an agreement that you make 68 00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:03,200 with yourself and what's really nice about that is, when you 69 00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:09,700 think of a boundary in those terms, you're not trying to get 70 00:05:09,700 --> 00:05:13,500 something from somebody else, you're not trying to change 71 00:05:13,500 --> 00:05:18,400 their behavior, you're not trying to make them feel or be a 72 00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:22,000 certain way. It's just, what is it that you 73 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:27,900 are in agreement with yourself about and the agreement around 74 00:05:27,900 --> 00:05:30,900 self-care that sense of I'm going to take really great care 75 00:05:30,900 --> 00:05:36,400 of myself, is so nice because then you do not require the 76 00:05:36,400 --> 00:05:39,800 other person to do that for you. But now I'll give you some 77 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:42,800 examples more of what I mean by that, is we go. 78 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,900 But I just want to start with this idea that it's an 79 00:05:44,900 --> 00:05:46,400 agreement, you make with yourself. 80 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:51,100 It is not necessarily an agreement that You tell somebody 81 00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:53,700 else like, hi. My name is Ken. 82 00:05:53,800 --> 00:05:55,700 You should understand. These are my boundaries. 83 00:05:55,700 --> 00:05:59,100 I expect you to adhere to them and if you don't we will have a 84 00:05:59,100 --> 00:06:01,700 problem right? Like that is not what we're 85 00:06:01,700 --> 00:06:04,500 doing. It's like oh I'd know that this 86 00:06:04,500 --> 00:06:08,900 is, you know this is this is my agreement with myself the other 87 00:06:08,900 --> 00:06:12,800 way that I found very helpful to think about boundaries 88 00:06:12,900 --> 00:06:20,100 especially with respect to time and what you say yes to what you 89 00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:23,900 Agree to you. And what you say no to is to 90 00:06:23,900 --> 00:06:30,400 remember that boundaries can simply be a way of organizing 91 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:34,900 your time. So, for example, if you have an 92 00:06:34,900 --> 00:06:38,900 open Saturday, there's nothing scheduled on that Saturday. 93 00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:43,000 That doesn't mean that it's available for other people. 94 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:45,400 Someone says, oh, what are you doing on Saturday? 95 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:50,100 Can you come help me with X y&z? You might decide for yourself. 96 00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:54,700 Oh, I've already allocated that time to something else. 97 00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:58,400 I've decided, I'm using that time for absolutely nothing. 98 00:06:58,900 --> 00:07:00,800 Like, it's just a way of being organized. 99 00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:04,700 What is that time for? And when you think of it in 100 00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:10,600 those terms that also gets you out of feeling like, oh, this 101 00:07:10,600 --> 00:07:15,000 person has crossed a boundary because they are asking for my 102 00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:19,900 time and they should know that I'm already overextended. 103 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:24,800 I already have a full plate. It's nobody's job to know what 104 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:28,200 your energy is. It's nobody's job to know how 105 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:32,300 you organize your time. Like, you can take that full and 106 00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:36,600 loving responsibility for it for yourself, and then, it makes 107 00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:40,400 things less personal because, of course, people want to spend 108 00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:44,700 time with you, or, of course, people want to, you know, you to 109 00:07:44,700 --> 00:07:48,400 help them with things at work in your personal life, all over, of 110 00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:52,500 course they do. So your work is to think about, 111 00:07:52,500 --> 00:07:53,700 okay? What are my agreements with 112 00:07:53,700 --> 00:07:56,900 myself? And how can I think about my 113 00:07:56,900 --> 00:08:01,000 time as like how can I just be organized with my time and then 114 00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,300 make decisions from there about what I say yes to and what I say 115 00:08:04,300 --> 00:08:07,800 no to. And all of this this is why this 116 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:10,600 is a class on boundaries with love. 117 00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:14,300 We're doing it from a place of love and care both for 118 00:08:14,300 --> 00:08:17,700 ourselves, as well, as for the relationships that we have with 119 00:08:17,700 --> 00:08:20,400 others. And what I found is that for So 120 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:27,400 many of us are experienced of boundaries, arises as a response 121 00:08:27,700 --> 00:08:33,000 to injury or as a reaction to something happening, that 122 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:37,000 doesn't feel good. And then we think, oh I'm the 123 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:41,500 person is crossing my boundaries or oh, why did I not set good 124 00:08:41,500 --> 00:08:45,600 boundaries with that person or with that situation, or with my 125 00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:46,800 job? Why am I working? 126 00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,400 So many hours? I have no boundaries and I just 127 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:52,200 say yes to everything. So I want to be helpful, right? 128 00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:55,200 And so we often have this initial experience with 129 00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:58,800 boundaries as something that doesn't feel good. 130 00:08:59,700 --> 00:09:04,800 It becomes something that we use as a tool to defend ourselves 131 00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:11,600 right to like throw up a barrier or as a way to like protect, 132 00:09:11,900 --> 00:09:14,800 right? So boundary as defensive or 133 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:19,400 boundary as protection but when we shift a little bit and we 134 00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:24,700 think about boundaries from this place of love, that will give us 135 00:09:24,900 --> 00:09:31,300 connection like connection to self and then also Others, which 136 00:09:31,300 --> 00:09:36,400 feels good and it expands what's possible. 137 00:09:36,900 --> 00:09:42,700 So, it becomes an expansive tool rather than a defensive tool. 138 00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:47,800 Because when you have clarity about what you need and how you 139 00:09:47,800 --> 00:09:51,700 like to work and kind of what works for you, it allows you to 140 00:09:51,700 --> 00:09:55,400 show up feeling really present and kind of expanding the 141 00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:58,400 possibilities of what's, what's available. 142 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:01,700 How can we do this? This yeah, like by boundary is 143 00:10:01,700 --> 00:10:05,800 like I know I'm home by 10:00 p.m., I don't stay out late. 144 00:10:06,500 --> 00:10:09,300 All right, so I can be available for this but, but not for that. 145 00:10:09,900 --> 00:10:13,500 How can we do this from a place of Love That expands 146 00:10:13,500 --> 00:10:17,000 possibilities and creates more connection? 147 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:22,200 I think one of the reasons why we often hesitate with 148 00:10:22,200 --> 00:10:27,300 boundaries is because it feels like we're breaking connection. 149 00:10:27,900 --> 00:10:29,300 It feels like we're trying to distance. 150 00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:33,100 It's ourselves or put like a barrier between us and somebody 151 00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:37,600 else and that can feel heavy can feel tiring. 152 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:41,800 It can feel difficult. But when you think about, oh no, 153 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:45,300 I'm going to establish this boundary because this expands 154 00:10:45,300 --> 00:10:49,100 things like it expands the things that I want and it 155 00:10:49,100 --> 00:10:52,400 creates more connection and that feels really good, that then 156 00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:56,900 allows us to feel more safe to have more Trust. 157 00:10:57,900 --> 00:11:02,500 All of these qualities that actually make things easier. 158 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:07,500 Now with boundaries also I do want to acknowledge a couple of 159 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:10,300 things. One is that they can be very 160 00:11:10,300 --> 00:11:15,200 informed by the culture in which we live work and grow up. 161 00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:19,400 So that includes the business culture, like the culture of the 162 00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:24,600 organization that you work in, there might be very subtle or 163 00:11:24,600 --> 00:11:29,400 very explicit expectations. Options about how you use your 164 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:33,700 time, for example. And that can feel like a harder 165 00:11:33,700 --> 00:11:38,000 situation in which to establish boundaries but also in our 166 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:42,500 families, in our communities, in the places where we grow up, 167 00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:46,700 there can be different social norms, or different expectations 168 00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:52,100 around, kind of what's, okay to say yes to and what's okay to 169 00:11:52,100 --> 00:11:56,500 say no to. And so when you realize in your 170 00:11:56,500 --> 00:12:01,000 own life, It feels like setting. A boundary feels really hard for 171 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:02,900 it. Feels like I'm really going to 172 00:12:02,900 --> 00:12:06,600 let someone down. It feels really heavy than one 173 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:11,100 of the reasons why that could be is because is there like a, a 174 00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:15,500 bigger cultural weight that is kind of conveying, this message 175 00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:20,100 of what is expected of you and it helps to be aware of that. 176 00:12:20,100 --> 00:12:23,800 Because then when you are establishing a boundary and 177 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:28,700 you're doing it with love, you can have the understanding of 178 00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:32,300 why it might feel challenging, right? 179 00:12:32,300 --> 00:12:36,900 And also feeling into how do I want to do this in a way that 180 00:12:36,900 --> 00:12:42,000 maintains connection and continues to create good 181 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:45,800 relationships? If there are any questions that 182 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:49,800 about what I've shared so far that you either want to either 183 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:55,300 drop into the chat or if you want to come off of mute and 184 00:12:55,300 --> 00:12:58,200 share, I invite you to To do that as well. 185 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:03,100 My my mind started racing and what all kind of an attachment 186 00:13:03,100 --> 00:13:07,200 when you were talking, but I had kind of a realization about my 187 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:10,900 boundary but my boundaries I have a I have a tendency to 188 00:13:10,900 --> 00:13:17,000 Ghost and I was thinking that It just kind of popped up for me 189 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:21,400 that, oh, I think. That's because in having loose 190 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:25,400 boundaries earlier and in relationships, it kind of builds 191 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:26,900 up, builds up till I can't handle it. 192 00:13:26,900 --> 00:13:30,500 And then I'm like, oh too much got to get out of here and that 193 00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:33,600 I just kind of had a realization about that as he were talking. 194 00:13:34,200 --> 00:13:39,600 Yeah, that is such a great insight and also very relatable, 195 00:13:40,100 --> 00:13:42,900 because before I before, I had boundaries before, I felt 196 00:13:42,900 --> 00:13:46,600 comfortable with them. I sort of do similar, I thought 197 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:50,500 of it as like just absorbing, it's not a big deal, just absorb 198 00:13:50,500 --> 00:13:55,900 it just, you know, go a long. Don't Don't Rock the Boat. 199 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:59,600 Don't make a big fuss about it and I would Zorb absorb absorb 200 00:14:00,100 --> 00:14:04,100 until finally, like one small thing and I would just, I would 201 00:14:04,900 --> 00:14:09,100 I didn't explode often, I'm not an Exploder, I'm an imp loader. 202 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:14,400 So instead of lashing out, I kind of lash in at myself 203 00:14:15,500 --> 00:14:18,100 because I was not wanting to have a conversation with someone 204 00:14:18,100 --> 00:14:20,200 directly. So I kind of lash in and then 205 00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,500 just remove myself. Yeah. 206 00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:25,600 So it makes a lot of sense to, and we understand like, oh, that 207 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:28,200 makes sense like that was what that was my. 208 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:33,100 That was my chosen strategy at the time because I didn't know 209 00:14:33,100 --> 00:14:38,800 how to have a conversation. Or I didn't know how to deal 210 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:41,900 with someone else's. Emotional world or my own 211 00:14:41,900 --> 00:14:46,200 emotional world you know. And I think to for so many of us 212 00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:50,300 we grow up in families where the adults also don't really model 213 00:14:50,300 --> 00:14:53,800 boundaries in a beautiful way and so we can learn. 214 00:14:53,900 --> 00:14:57,100 I guess what to expect is I just need to get along or I just need 215 00:14:57,100 --> 00:15:01,900 to be a good team player, right? It's you know it's just it's not 216 00:15:01,900 --> 00:15:04,800 something that I think we often learn directly. 217 00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:09,400 And then it makes sense. That then as adults it can we 218 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:11,900 just continue to use this strategy that seemed to work 219 00:15:11,900 --> 00:15:14,400 before like until it doesn't anymore? 220 00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:17,800 Okay, I have a couple examples I want to share right? 221 00:15:17,800 --> 00:15:21,100 Because some of this is kind of conceptual and and part of this 222 00:15:21,100 --> 00:15:25,000 too is I want to help. I want to help all of us shift 223 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:28,100 from oh, I kind of get it on the surface like intellectually, 224 00:15:28,100 --> 00:15:32,200 that makes sense and then help to drop it down into something 225 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:37,000 that feels more doable. Right, and also give some more 226 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:41,100 clear examples of what that looks like in practice. 227 00:15:41,600 --> 00:15:45,300 Because the other thing about us as humans is, we will always do 228 00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:49,200 first, our habit, the thing we've done before. 229 00:15:49,600 --> 00:15:53,700 Even if it doesn't work because it feels familiar and it's just 230 00:15:53,700 --> 00:15:58,900 like this is, this is the part where I say yes and then I'm 231 00:15:58,900 --> 00:16:00,700 like, why did I say yes to that, right? 232 00:16:00,700 --> 00:16:03,500 We tend to just have to get to know patterns and habits. 233 00:16:03,900 --> 00:16:07,700 So I want to start to Introduce not just the concept, the 234 00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:11,400 concept can be really simple but how we apply it. 235 00:16:11,400 --> 00:16:14,900 That's where there's a lot of nuance, we kind of want to feel 236 00:16:14,900 --> 00:16:18,200 our way into it and I'll actually the other thing I'll 237 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:22,300 share to that that will be helpful as you think about this 238 00:16:22,300 --> 00:16:28,400 long term, it truly only takes a small shift to create a big 239 00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:31,200 change. So when you're thinking about 240 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:35,500 boundaries where do you want to have them, where could they be 241 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:40,500 Be better think about the easy places as well as the hard 242 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:45,700 places because you'll start to practice them in all areas of 243 00:16:45,708 --> 00:16:47,800 your life. And what we tend to do, 244 00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:50,300 especially when we're implementing a learning like 245 00:16:50,300 --> 00:16:55,300 this, where it requires communication with others and 246 00:16:55,300 --> 00:16:59,500 where it requires an awareness of yourself of like tuning in to 247 00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:04,599 what you need, the tendency is to stay in the habit. 248 00:17:05,599 --> 00:17:07,900 Until there's like a really big problem. 249 00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:12,800 And then we try to use this tool for the very first time with the 250 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:17,200 biggest hardest challenge. And instead, I want to invite 251 00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:20,400 you to start thinking about what are the small like what are the 252 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:24,200 light lifts? What is a easy places where I 253 00:17:24,208 --> 00:17:28,400 can start to practice this and start to feel more confident in 254 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:31,800 this new way of being with boundaries and also where the 255 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:36,000 stakes are pretty low or it won't feel as scary. 256 00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:40,200 Like, there's not so much at risk, so it's a, it's a skill. 257 00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:44,000 It's a thing that you can practice, and as you get more 258 00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:49,400 familiar with it, it starts to feel easier and more like, oh, 259 00:17:49,400 --> 00:17:54,400 this is just what I do now for Ample few years ago actually I 260 00:17:54,408 --> 00:17:58,800 was like several years ago. At this point I was starting a 261 00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:02,800 new job with a start-up small group of people really 262 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:07,100 tight-knit team. I wanted them to like me, okay, 263 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:09,300 new at the job, I wanted them to like me. 264 00:18:09,300 --> 00:18:12,400 I wanted to be a team player. I wanted to do a really good 265 00:18:12,400 --> 00:18:18,600 job, well, our team was planning an event and the manager was 266 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:20,700 saying, okay, you know, you're all the things that need to 267 00:18:20,700 --> 00:18:23,700 happen. And I want you to come early to 268 00:18:23,700 --> 00:18:26,200 help us set up and, you know, bring these things. 269 00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:29,600 And in that moment, I had two thoughts. 270 00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:33,800 One thought was, I don't want to do that because I had other 271 00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:36,200 plans and I wasn't planning to get there early. 272 00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:40,200 And the other thought at the exact same time was I want them 273 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:42,500 to like me and want to be a team player. 274 00:18:42,900 --> 00:18:45,500 I think I need to say yes. Right. 275 00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:50,900 So in that moment these two thoughts and what I did was I 276 00:18:50,900 --> 00:18:55,400 actually kind of I raised my hand and said, oh, you know, I 277 00:18:55,400 --> 00:19:01,600 am not available to come early, but I can stay late. 278 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:05,300 And I'm happy to help with cleanup and break down at the 279 00:19:05,300 --> 00:19:09,900 end and the manager. Paused, I was like, oh, okay, 280 00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:13,500 great, no problem. And what super interesting is 281 00:19:13,500 --> 00:19:17,300 that afterwards, after the meeting, we were leaving the 282 00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:20,000 room and the manager kind of pulls me aside. 283 00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:23,900 And she's like, Kim, I just I want to thank you for saying no 284 00:19:24,200 --> 00:19:28,600 to me earlier and I was like oh why? 285 00:19:29,200 --> 00:19:32,200 And she said because I know I can trust you. 286 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:37,700 I can trust you to say. No to me, I don't have to worry 287 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:42,600 that you'll say yes and then flake or that you'll say yes and 288 00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:46,000 get burned out because you're overextending yourself. 289 00:19:46,300 --> 00:19:49,100 Thank you for telling me. And it was this. 290 00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:51,500 Incredible realization of wow. Okay. 291 00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:57,000 So when I was staying connected to myself and what I needed, 292 00:19:57,100 --> 00:19:58,700 right? With my schedule and my time 293 00:19:58,700 --> 00:20:02,300 commitment, the desire of I want to be a team player but not in 294 00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:05,100 that. That way here's how I can help 295 00:20:05,100 --> 00:20:06,800 out. I want to offer this as an 296 00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:11,800 alternative and realizing that for her it actually created more 297 00:20:11,800 --> 00:20:16,500 trust and more clear connection and communication which 298 00:20:16,500 --> 00:20:18,600 ultimately is what I wanted to do. 299 00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:25,000 It was scary at the time. I'm really glad that I chose to 300 00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:30,700 say that because resentment gets heavy and it corrodes trust and 301 00:20:30,700 --> 00:20:34,300 it corrodes our relationships and we can build it up and carry 302 00:20:34,300 --> 00:20:37,900 it for a really long time, but it will always get in the way. 303 00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:42,200 So, another example, this is from my personal life. 304 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:44,300 I'm in the best relationship of my life. 305 00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:46,600 If you follow me on Facebook, you have seen some of the 306 00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:50,800 stories but it is truly unlike any relationship I've ever been 307 00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:56,500 in because I am no longer trying to micromanage his feelings and 308 00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:59,000 And right which often to like with boundaries. 309 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:03,200 Sometimes the thing that people tell me is I'm afraid to set a 310 00:21:03,208 --> 00:21:07,700 boundary because I don't want to disappoint this person who means 311 00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:10,700 a lot to me, and I don't want them to feel bad because 312 00:21:10,700 --> 00:21:16,200 sometimes people receive a boundary as a rejection right or 313 00:21:16,200 --> 00:21:19,700 as distance. Like, I'm not with you, but it 314 00:21:19,700 --> 00:21:22,900 doesn't have to be like that. It actually can be a way of 315 00:21:22,908 --> 00:21:25,900 creating more connection and Trust in our personal 316 00:21:25,900 --> 00:21:27,100 relationships. Oops, too. 317 00:21:27,600 --> 00:21:30,500 And one of the reasons why is when you have that Clarity for 318 00:21:30,500 --> 00:21:36,700 yourself around boundaries that will also make you more safe. 319 00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:43,800 Here's what I mean by that. So early in our dating I noticed 320 00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:49,800 that I tended to text and message my guy a lot more often 321 00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:56,500 than he did to me and it occurred to me that he might not 322 00:21:56,600 --> 00:22:00,200 Not know what to do with that because if I like someone, I'm 323 00:22:00,200 --> 00:22:03,900 just going to text you. I don't really really not good 324 00:22:03,900 --> 00:22:06,900 at pacing myself. It's like how are you? 325 00:22:06,900 --> 00:22:08,500 How was your day? What do you want to spend time 326 00:22:08,500 --> 00:22:10,100 with me again? Do you want to hang out? 327 00:22:10,100 --> 00:22:11,600 How about tomorrow? No. 328 00:22:11,600 --> 00:22:14,600 How about the day after that? Like that is me. 329 00:22:14,900 --> 00:22:18,400 And so what happened was is I realized oh, I'm messaging him a 330 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:21,900 lot. And so I talked with him and I 331 00:22:21,908 --> 00:22:25,400 said, hey just so you know, I've noticed I tend to message you a 332 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:28,200 lot more than you message me and I'm actually super, okay with 333 00:22:28,200 --> 00:22:30,900 that. So just you know, I'm not 334 00:22:30,900 --> 00:22:33,400 expecting you to reply to every message. 335 00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:37,600 I'm going to assume that if you don't reply, my assumption is 336 00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:40,800 not that you're mad at me. My assumption is that you just 337 00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:44,500 have things that you need to do and then you'll get to it later. 338 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,000 We're just going to bring that assumption and I just wanted to 339 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:49,100 tell you that's that's what I'm thinking. 340 00:22:49,300 --> 00:22:54,600 Yeah, and he was like, okay and what super interesting is that 341 00:22:54,600 --> 00:22:58,600 he ended up there was this time where he actually didn't respond 342 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:02,800 to me for like three days and then he came back and wrote and 343 00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:05,800 he was like, I'm so sorry. You know I shouldn't have have 344 00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:07,700 disappeared on you like that thinking. 345 00:23:07,700 --> 00:23:09,300 Amy. I'm like he probably goes to be 346 00:23:09,300 --> 00:23:13,400 got a little overwhelmed understandable and he came 347 00:23:13,400 --> 00:23:15,800 message back, it's like I'm so sorry, you know, I shouldn't 348 00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:19,100 have treated you that way and I said, oh wait no, I'm actually 349 00:23:19,300 --> 00:23:22,100 Fine. Like I just assumed like you are 350 00:23:22,100 --> 00:23:25,400 just taking time for yourself because you know, like you're an 351 00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,100 introvert, I'm an introvert. Sometimes we like our alone 352 00:23:28,100 --> 00:23:30,900 time, you know how you doing? How's it been? 353 00:23:31,300 --> 00:23:35,900 And he was just like, oh, okay, yeah, good. 354 00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:39,800 So in that sense the way boundary works when we're coming 355 00:23:39,800 --> 00:23:43,600 to a boundary from love this sense of oh I'm actually I'm 356 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:49,100 really okay with how we are. Like I trust you to take time. 357 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:55,400 I'm when you need it because I don't know when your energy is 358 00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:58,900 like getting depleted and you need to pull back to recharge 359 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:03,300 and I really like you and I want you to be good. 360 00:24:03,300 --> 00:24:06,300 Like I want you to have what you need and it's actually better if 361 00:24:06,300 --> 00:24:09,600 I'm not trying to guess it's actually works better. 362 00:24:09,600 --> 00:24:12,100 If I just trust that you're going to stay connected to what 363 00:24:12,100 --> 00:24:14,400 you need. And then you're going to, you 364 00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:17,900 know, take care of yourself. And I'll do that for me too. 365 00:24:18,700 --> 00:24:20,900 Right, I'll stay connected to what I need and I'll take care 366 00:24:20,900 --> 00:24:23,500 of myself. So, for example, there have been 367 00:24:23,500 --> 00:24:26,900 times when I said, hey, like, I had a really, really hard day. 368 00:24:27,500 --> 00:24:29,900 You know, are you free tonight? Can we hang out? 369 00:24:30,100 --> 00:24:33,500 And he has texted me and he said, I'm actually not available 370 00:24:33,500 --> 00:24:37,100 to get together but I could FaceTime you a little bit later 371 00:24:37,100 --> 00:24:41,100 if that's okay, or how about we meet tomorrow for coffee, right? 372 00:24:41,100 --> 00:24:45,500 So again, like holding that connection to. 373 00:24:45,500 --> 00:24:47,500 Where am I at? Like, what do I need? 374 00:24:47,500 --> 00:24:50,100 Let me take love. Responsibility for that. 375 00:24:50,400 --> 00:24:56,400 And from there, make a decision about what happens next and how 376 00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:58,700 we're going to be together. And what's interesting. 377 00:24:58,700 --> 00:25:01,600 Now, it's been like five years. We text each other probably 378 00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:04,900 every day now just like freely. But again, there's not this 379 00:25:04,900 --> 00:25:07,800 expectation of. Hey, if I messaged you, why 380 00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:12,100 didn't you message me back? There's never that there's 381 00:25:12,100 --> 00:25:15,600 always this kind of generosity of spirit, like, I'm assuming 382 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:19,500 you're taking care of yourself. And I also, To offer some like 383 00:25:19,500 --> 00:25:26,100 simple language that can help you to convey a no with a lot of 384 00:25:26,100 --> 00:25:28,200 kindness. A lot of love and a lot of 385 00:25:28,200 --> 00:25:31,000 gentleness. So if someone that you care 386 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:36,300 about asks, for something of you, whether it's your time or 387 00:25:36,300 --> 00:25:40,800 whether it's like, some something of you might be like, 388 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:43,100 somebody wants to borrow something that is really 389 00:25:43,100 --> 00:25:45,800 precious to you. And, you know, it would help 390 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:48,300 them but you really don't feel comfortable releasing. 391 00:25:48,500 --> 00:25:51,400 Seeing this beloved object to this person. 392 00:25:51,900 --> 00:25:56,000 One of my favorite ways of saying no I am a gentle. 393 00:25:56,000 --> 00:26:04,300 No to that I am a gentle. No, I had a friend of mine who 394 00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:10,800 was coming to San Francisco. This was was this, this was like 395 00:26:10,800 --> 00:26:17,100 mid pandemic, so maybe 20 21 or so and they said, hey, I'm going 396 00:26:17,100 --> 00:26:20,500 to be in San Francisco. Co can I crash at your place? 397 00:26:21,700 --> 00:26:27,200 And I thought about it and I was like, I am a gentle know I'm 398 00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:31,200 really enjoying my solitude. I would love to see you while 399 00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:38,200 you're here but that won't work. Gentle no helps to convey like 400 00:26:38,200 --> 00:26:41,500 that sense of love and kindness and connection. 401 00:26:42,700 --> 00:26:45,500 As opposed to the alternative of like, yes, you can come and I 402 00:26:45,500 --> 00:26:48,200 will be secretly resentful and trying to hide it the entire 403 00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:53,800 time, which becomes burdensome, it only works for so long. 404 00:26:54,900 --> 00:27:00,700 I managed for 45 46 years, this new ways better. 405 00:27:01,500 --> 00:27:03,300 So, starting to learn the language, right? 406 00:27:03,300 --> 00:27:06,600 When you feel safer being connected to yourself? 407 00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:09,100 What is it that I need? What is my agreement with me? 408 00:27:09,500 --> 00:27:12,300 It can be around anything with what is my bedtime. 409 00:27:12,500 --> 00:27:16,000 Like my agreement with myself is when I'm tired, I go to bed. 410 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:20,500 That's it right? Can be around work things it can 411 00:27:20,500 --> 00:27:23,400 be around family. Things agreement with yourself 412 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:28,200 first and then offer the boundary from love with 413 00:27:28,200 --> 00:27:30,400 connection. And when we do it early and 414 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:33,500 often it makes everything easier, I'll share one more 415 00:27:33,500 --> 00:27:36,300 example that comes to mind because sometimes to is 416 00:27:36,300 --> 00:27:38,300 boundaries. It doesn't require you to tell 417 00:27:38,300 --> 00:27:41,300 anybody else what they are which is really nice because you're 418 00:27:41,300 --> 00:27:44,000 not seeking. Science from someone, you're 419 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:48,800 simply making decisions for yourself that will affect the 420 00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:52,400 relationship. So, I used to think that, when 421 00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:56,000 my mom called I had to answer because that's what good 422 00:27:56,000 --> 00:27:58,300 daughters. Do you answer the phone? 423 00:27:58,300 --> 00:28:01,100 When your mom calls seems simple, right? 424 00:28:01,100 --> 00:28:03,600 It's like yeah, you're like, yes, that's exactly what you do. 425 00:28:03,900 --> 00:28:06,600 But one thing I noticed was that if I answered the phone, when I 426 00:28:06,600 --> 00:28:10,400 was like, walking to the bus, or if I was not in a good mood, 427 00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:14,500 then the version of me, My mom, got she got me feeling 428 00:28:14,500 --> 00:28:18,400 impatient, kind of exasperated like yeah, what do you want? 429 00:28:18,400 --> 00:28:21,700 I don't have much time, right? Like she did not get a really 430 00:28:21,700 --> 00:28:26,000 great version of me. We did not have a great moment 431 00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:31,700 when I show up in patient. And one day I realized, you 432 00:28:31,700 --> 00:28:36,800 know, what, when I see the call incoming, I can send it to 433 00:28:36,800 --> 00:28:40,100 voicemail. It doesn't mean, I don't love 434 00:28:40,100 --> 00:28:41,800 her. It doesn't mean I don't want to 435 00:28:41,808 --> 00:28:44,100 talk. With her, it just means that I'm 436 00:28:44,108 --> 00:28:48,400 going to need a minute to kind of get into this space for us to 437 00:28:48,400 --> 00:28:50,700 connect. I want to be present. 438 00:28:50,700 --> 00:28:54,900 I want to be like the best version of me with her just 439 00:28:54,900 --> 00:28:58,200 because that feels better to me. And I don't need to tell her 440 00:28:58,200 --> 00:29:02,500 when to call me and not call me, I can just decide and then she 441 00:29:02,500 --> 00:29:06,700 would call send it to voicemail. I've listened to the voicemail, 442 00:29:06,700 --> 00:29:09,900 make sure everything's okay, no emergencies, right? 443 00:29:10,100 --> 00:29:12,800 And then I could either just text back like, hey, Sigh you 444 00:29:12,800 --> 00:29:16,300 called, I'm on the bus, you know, I'll ping you when I get 445 00:29:16,300 --> 00:29:19,500 home or I could just let it sit until I felt like I was in a 446 00:29:19,500 --> 00:29:22,000 place where I'm like, I feel ready to have a great 447 00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:25,900 conversation with my mom and it made the relationship feel 448 00:29:25,900 --> 00:29:29,300 better without having to give her any rules. 449 00:29:29,400 --> 00:29:32,400 Hey, don't call me between now. And then just like, oh yeah, 450 00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:35,600 like you just do you. I will take responsibility for 451 00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:37,000 me. Like what? 452 00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:40,500 I sometimes think of the opposite of boundaries is hoping 453 00:29:40,500 --> 00:29:44,400 and coping like I I hope that everything goes the way. 454 00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:47,700 I need it to go and if it doesn't I will just cope I will 455 00:29:47,700 --> 00:29:50,800 just manage right as opposed to having a boundary which is 0. 456 00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:53,800 I'm going to have some clarity about myself and I can 457 00:29:53,800 --> 00:29:58,600 communicate that from a place that feels good hoping and 458 00:29:58,600 --> 00:30:03,000 coping we can kind of do silently but it really doesn't 459 00:30:03,100 --> 00:30:07,500 work on the long-term having Clarity with boundaries and 460 00:30:07,500 --> 00:30:11,900 having boundaries with love is a much more sustainable practice. 461 00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:15,600 Will require a little bit of a learning curve. 462 00:30:15,700 --> 00:30:19,100 So we want to be aware of that so that you can practice and 463 00:30:19,100 --> 00:30:22,000 start to feel good about it and then start to use them in all 464 00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:25,700 kinds of situations, any questions. 465 00:30:26,100 --> 00:30:28,100 Yeah, we see your hand. Go ahead. 466 00:30:28,600 --> 00:30:33,400 Okay, so you mention like oftentimes the boundary doesn't 467 00:30:33,400 --> 00:30:36,400 have to be straight like you have a rule like you know what 468 00:30:36,400 --> 00:30:38,600 your bag, but it doesn't have to be stated. 469 00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:42,200 So I'm thinking in the situation. 470 00:30:42,300 --> 00:30:46,800 Ian where I'm like, always holidays? 471 00:30:46,800 --> 00:30:49,400 I coming up. I'm always like the organizer of 472 00:30:49,400 --> 00:30:52,800 big family events but I'm kind of like tired. 473 00:30:52,800 --> 00:30:57,600 Like my yeah. So like so this Christmas is 474 00:30:57,600 --> 00:31:02,600 like okay, I don't wanna organize anything, like come up 475 00:31:02,600 --> 00:31:05,700 with whatever I like you guys want us to fight like I'm, you 476 00:31:05,700 --> 00:31:14,000 know, whatever as so. Like, do you have a like a Of 477 00:31:14,000 --> 00:31:17,000 saying that's because it's kind of weird to like I was just 478 00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:20,700 like, gonna okay, how about? I just leave the group chat 479 00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:25,400 goal, but it's kind of like that assumed coucher, right? 480 00:31:25,400 --> 00:31:28,200 Which I kind of helped set up is that they are. 481 00:31:28,200 --> 00:31:29,600 I feel like they're all looking at. 482 00:31:29,600 --> 00:31:33,100 If you like to come come up with something. 483 00:31:33,500 --> 00:31:38,000 And at that moment is like or do I like announce my boundary? 484 00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:41,500 But is also kind of awkward. So like how like do you have any 485 00:31:42,000 --> 00:31:44,200 what What are your thoughts around? 486 00:31:44,200 --> 00:31:46,600 That is such a brilliant question. 487 00:31:46,600 --> 00:31:51,100 I know you are not the only person who has stood like a 488 00:31:51,108 --> 00:31:53,400 situation like that. So I'm very glad that you asked 489 00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:55,600 that question. So, yes. 490 00:31:55,700 --> 00:31:58,500 So the pattern in the past has been that. 491 00:31:58,500 --> 00:32:02,900 You are the one to point. Do the, do the event planning 492 00:32:02,900 --> 00:32:05,000 for the holidays, right? Yeah, yeah. 493 00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:08,000 Take initiative proposed. Something like get people 494 00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:09,700 together. Get people excited. 495 00:32:10,100 --> 00:32:13,700 It's like I said, yeah. So now we've got a couple of 496 00:32:13,700 --> 00:32:17,100 options one is and I love that you're thinking about this ahead 497 00:32:17,100 --> 00:32:20,500 of time because there's kind of already a momentum where people 498 00:32:20,500 --> 00:32:23,400 are just going to look to you like, but you always done that, 499 00:32:23,500 --> 00:32:25,100 right? That's kind of a default 500 00:32:25,100 --> 00:32:27,600 expectation but it's okay. We're going to drill. 501 00:32:27,600 --> 00:32:29,300 We're going to do something new this year. 502 00:32:29,300 --> 00:32:33,300 I'm going to do something new and especially because it's 503 00:32:33,300 --> 00:32:37,600 still November, right? So this is the perfect time to 504 00:32:37,600 --> 00:32:40,900 begin to notify people. That things will be different 505 00:32:40,900 --> 00:32:44,900 this year. And I see a couple of options 506 00:32:44,900 --> 00:32:48,100 for you. One is, you can think of it in 507 00:32:48,100 --> 00:32:51,300 terms of passing the torch, right? 508 00:32:51,400 --> 00:32:55,900 Like to the Next Generation or two including someone else and 509 00:32:55,900 --> 00:32:59,200 be like, you know what, I've been the one that's typically 510 00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:03,500 organized these things. I think this year, it is time to 511 00:33:03,500 --> 00:33:07,800 hand that, you know, keep the tradition going and handing this 512 00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:11,000 to somebody else. So you can do it either, kind of 513 00:33:11,000 --> 00:33:13,400 like direct delegate. Jen like who I want to. 514 00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:16,400 I want to nominate this person to do it. 515 00:33:16,900 --> 00:33:20,100 You can think of it in terms of extending the tradition, like 516 00:33:20,100 --> 00:33:24,100 it's now time for someone else to take the tradition. 517 00:33:24,700 --> 00:33:28,000 You can also simply say, you know what, this year I am not 518 00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:32,400 going to be available to do the planning and the getting people 519 00:33:32,400 --> 00:33:34,800 excited. I'm not I'm not going to be 520 00:33:34,800 --> 00:33:37,800 available for that. And you might say, either, just 521 00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:41,000 like I am tired or you might just say you know what I really 522 00:33:41,000 --> 00:33:44,300 want to invite Someone else to take over this year, I'm not 523 00:33:44,300 --> 00:33:48,200 going to be available for that and it's like from this place of 524 00:33:48,200 --> 00:33:52,200 love and realize, you know, people might feel like what's 525 00:33:52,200 --> 00:33:57,000 happening, what is going on? That is not what happens. 526 00:33:57,000 --> 00:34:00,800 The tradition is that you do it and you know, the response is 527 00:34:00,800 --> 00:34:05,100 like not this year we're doing something new this year, it's 528 00:34:05,100 --> 00:34:07,600 going to be great. I don't know what it's going to 529 00:34:07,600 --> 00:34:09,900 be someone's going to do, it's not going to be me. 530 00:34:11,199 --> 00:34:15,699 So bringing the The gentleness to it, offering yourself Grace 531 00:34:15,699 --> 00:34:18,100 because you're the one who feels awkward first, right? 532 00:34:18,100 --> 00:34:19,800 Nobody knows. Anything is different. 533 00:34:19,900 --> 00:34:22,100 You're the one who feels awkward, you're like, what are 534 00:34:22,100 --> 00:34:23,699 they going to do? What are they going to say? 535 00:34:24,000 --> 00:34:26,900 So offer, some compassion to yourself, of course, it feels 536 00:34:26,900 --> 00:34:30,300 weird. And also realizing, you know, of 537 00:34:30,300 --> 00:34:33,699 course, people are very comfortable, letting you do it. 538 00:34:33,699 --> 00:34:37,100 It's been wonderful for them. It really works for them to let 539 00:34:37,100 --> 00:34:39,699 you do it and it's okay for things to change. 540 00:34:40,100 --> 00:34:43,100 Yeah. I like the second option. 541 00:34:43,100 --> 00:34:47,100 Yeah and it's yeah it's going to be initially a little bit 542 00:34:47,100 --> 00:34:53,600 awkward but Just like, showing up with that love and gentleness 543 00:34:53,600 --> 00:34:58,000 consistently in innate response I guess. 544 00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:02,800 And not like go to the people-pleasing again and though 545 00:35:02,800 --> 00:35:05,600 I would do some of like you know, like just sticking 546 00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:08,300 sticking with it. It requires some sticking to us 547 00:35:08,300 --> 00:35:11,300 while. So I don't like just be with 548 00:35:11,300 --> 00:35:16,700 that awkward - I guess. Yeah, little bit initially. 549 00:35:17,200 --> 00:35:20,000 Yeah, you can think. Gov it to like, growing pains, 550 00:35:20,000 --> 00:35:23,500 like, when we're doing something new, it can feel awkward and 551 00:35:23,500 --> 00:35:27,400 uncomfortable, but that's also like a sign of growth. 552 00:35:27,400 --> 00:35:30,700 And it's something in this sense, you can think of it as 553 00:35:30,700 --> 00:35:35,400 something that you are you are doing on behalf of your family, 554 00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:38,400 right? Letting things change and be 555 00:35:38,400 --> 00:35:40,800 different can actually be wonderful. 556 00:35:40,800 --> 00:35:44,100 And actually I think oftentimes in families, we can get into 557 00:35:44,100 --> 00:35:49,800 kind of a rat or a routine but when we become very Tensional 558 00:35:50,400 --> 00:35:53,900 about handing, over responsibility, for about 559 00:35:53,900 --> 00:35:57,600 changing, the expectations, and the roles. 560 00:35:57,800 --> 00:36:01,900 We do that intentionally with a lot of love and that lets us do 561 00:36:01,900 --> 00:36:05,400 it in a Cell much like easier gentle way. 562 00:36:05,800 --> 00:36:09,200 Because the alternative is that we build up resentments until 563 00:36:09,800 --> 00:36:14,200 the final straw and then it comes out in a way that feels 564 00:36:14,200 --> 00:36:18,100 reactive and like not good, right? 565 00:36:18,100 --> 00:36:22,700 So, it's so So helpful, when you get in front of it you can do it 566 00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:24,700 with a lot of intention and Care. 567 00:36:25,500 --> 00:36:26,400 Thank you. Thank you. 568 00:36:27,000 --> 00:36:32,300 You're welcome. I also want to share that I do. 569 00:36:32,500 --> 00:36:35,700 So I also work with people one-on-one on applying this 570 00:36:35,700 --> 00:36:38,800 stuff in their life in their personal life, in their 571 00:36:38,800 --> 00:36:42,700 professional life. I do have spots available 572 00:36:42,700 --> 00:36:47,700 starting in January so if you want to talk with me about 573 00:36:47,700 --> 00:36:51,700 working together, How that works, what that looks like all 574 00:36:51,700 --> 00:36:54,400 the details. Then the next step is to book a 575 00:36:54,408 --> 00:36:57,000 consultation which you can do from my website. 576 00:36:57,100 --> 00:37:01,600 Kim nickel.com will find a link there to my calendar and you can 577 00:37:01,600 --> 00:37:03,600 schedule a time. So we can talk about what's 578 00:37:03,600 --> 00:37:07,400 going on with you and what we'll do together to get you to the 579 00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:10,500 place where you're so much more comfortable and confident. 580 00:37:10,800 --> 00:37:12,700 So I didn't want to share that with you as well. 581 00:37:13,300 --> 00:37:16,400 Alright everybody thank you so much for being here with me. 582 00:37:16,600 --> 00:37:20,700 Enjoy your boundaries use them With love and I will see you 583 00:37:20,700 --> 00:37:28,800 later. Hey, before you go, if you like 584 00:37:28,800 --> 00:37:31,200 this podcast, please leave a review. 585 00:37:31,600 --> 00:37:35,100 Tell me why you listen and what has helped you? 586 00:37:35,500 --> 00:37:37,600 Thanks so much. I'll see you next time.