Welcome to the new manager podcast.
I'm your host, Kim nickel. Hello and welcome.
I hope you're doing well. I'm glad that you're here and I
want to start with a shout-out to one of my newest clients, who
successfully advocated for himself to get coaching.
It's something he and I talked about.
He said, I want to pay for this anyways, but if I can present
this to my organization. Station and have them pay for
it, even better, which, of course I love if you've listened
to my earlier episode on how to advocate for yourself.
I talk more about how to do this.
And last week, he wrote to me and said can it is a go.
They approved, you know, the budget for me to get coaching
and we're going to start working next week together, and I'm
thrilled. So I wanted to start with that
celebration and that share and you know, Oh, just remember to
that your company might actually be thrilled.
Your boss might be thrilled. If you come to them and say hey,
I found this coach I want to work with do we've got have we
got budget for that. How can we make that happen?
Here's why I think it's really going to help me be more
effective at work. I mean that just could be the
answer to their prayers because you know, they're tired.
They're busy. They really want to keep you.
They want you to be happy. They want you to get better at
You do. So they might just be waiting
for you to ask for that. So our topic for today is how to
be direct. Oh, I love this topic because it
is super useful, not just at work and in your work life, but
also as a human who has relationships with other humans.
And as a side note. Everything that I talked about
and all of the concepts that I teach, they also apply, not just
to work, but to Being Human in relationship, with other humans
because guess what? Every company, every
organization on the planet is made of people.
And that means that when you learn how to communicate more
effectively, when you learn how to be more direct when you learn
how to The kit for yourself. When you learn how to be
supportive and clear, in requests like everything, fits
it, all, it all goes together. And what's cool is that as you
learn skills and gain confidence in, using them, in one part of
your career, or one part of your life, you then get to bring and
apply those to every other place, you know, this is when I
was teaching my class for new managers.
At General Assembly, you know, back in 2017 2018 and I had
students from different industries from small companies,
from big companies, from nonprofit organizations from
Healthcare from education, from all these different places.
The issues people were bringing. We're all the same, the problems
that they had were all the same because, no matter what industry
you're in, you're still working with people and the challenges
that we face and just relating to and communicating.
Another tend to show up in kind of the same way in all of these
different places. So it is very delightful to know
that as you learn to level up your skills and start to expand
your ability to think strategically and you feel more
confident and really stepping into your sense of who you are,
as a leader and as a manager and having more Influence in your
world that you will find that to be useful for the rest of your
career and for the rest of your life.
So today we're talking about how to be direct and when I first
started teaching new managers one of the questions that would
come up, a lot is people would say, how do I be direct but
without being an asshole like how do I beat a wrecked?
But Still be supportive and kind like, how do I be direct without
it escalating into a fight, or a confrontation?
And I think this is such a brilliant thing to notice
because so many of us in the course of your life, here on the
planet. You have learned something about
being direct. You've all either learned that
it is a bad idea because it creates conflict, it breaks.
Relationships, it feels confrontational and super
uncomfortable. Like, you might have learned
that about being direct or, you know, you might have learned
that actually being direct can be really effective and
efficient and enhanced trust. And, you know, like you might
have learned that about being direct, you might have also
learned. It depends on who you're talking
to. Because maybe if you are
communicating With someone who has more power than you, they
might not always be receptive to direct communication.
You might have learned that you have to present your, you know,
your languaging in a softer way or in kind of a more sideways,
kind of weigh and consider two, depending on the cultural
context that you grew up in with In some cultures.
He's being direct is actually considered a very rude, a rude
thing to do. And so you might have learned
that actually like we don't be direct with people especially
with people in positions of power because that would land in
a very rude and offensive way. So, you know, you've got already
all of these layers. Is that kind of filter and shape
the way that you are or are not direct and in the workplace.
It's one of these skills that can be so useful because when we
can be direct, when we can be clear, we start to eliminate
confusion, we start to eliminate guessing or trying to mind-read
others and it can create. He ate like more ease because
often our anxiety spikes when there is ambiguity, when people
are not being direct or not being clear and we're trying to
guess what's happening. We can create more anxiety, kind
of, in the system of relationships.
So, you know, one of the first things that I want to suggest
that you think about, as you go into your work week, is to just
notice. What is the Full of direct
communication that you encounter in the course of your work week
and notice who around you communicates directly.
And in what context, is it, you know, coming from your manager.
Is it coming from senior leadership?
Is it coming from a peer? Is it coming from someone
reporting up to you like notice? Where does direct communication
happen, notice what the effect of it is?
Is and also notice like really start to tune your ability to
observe and notice where is in direct or an absence of direct
communication happening. And what is the effect of that
and often what you'll find is that in direct communication
will show up as being passive aggressive.
We've all done it, even though we All hate it.
Why do we do this? Because we are afraid of being
direct or because we're running an internal calculation about
what will it cost me to be direct with this person?
And sometimes we'll decide. It's just worth too much energy.
It's a lot easier for me to be indirectly aggressive or sort of
passively aggressive rather than Gathering the energy and the
courage to say, Say, okay. I think we need to have a
conversation to clear the air, or I want to be sure that we're
being clear about what is happening right now, or okay, I
saw your email and can we follow up with a conversation?
Because there's some things that are a little bit unclear here,
but I'd like to just to, you know, I just like this to clear
the air on this. Make sure we're on the same
page. So look for where that where you
see that if you see a pass. Aggressive behaviors that kind
of that flag signal of. This is someone who's
communicating indirectly about a particular topic.
This is also, you know, when we communicate indirectly or when
there's a lot of this kind of side conversation happening like
you're you know, you're feeling stressed or frustrated with
someone and instead of speaking directly about it to that
person, you talk about it and you talk about About that person
with other people and we want to be really mindful of that
because in the right context, that can actually be really
helpful. And honestly, that is what
coaching is great for is you can talk it out and talk it like
talk through your own thoughts about it with someone who is not
involved in the situation. But where it becomes corrosive
is when it becomes like back-channel or it becomes, you
know, Like talking about someone in the system to somebody else
in the in the system. And then you have the side
conversations that get in the way of trust and that become
distractions. And that can create friction and
bad feelings with people. So, you want to be mindful of
that. And also, like, when we're not
being direct, so it corrodes trust, it can create resentment.
It can create confusion. Asian and misunderstandings and
it you know at the end of the day it just it just ends up
becoming more draining and it is so easy to do.
It is so easy to do because in the moment it lets you kind of
relieve some of the pressure of you know often were not being
direct but we're thinking about the conversation that we want to
have. So you're already having lots of
imaginary conversations in your mind.
You're trying to Out. How do I have this conversation
in a way that creates a good outcome.
So, we're not direct. When we are afraid of the
outcome. We're afraid of what the other
person will think of us were afraid of what the other person
will say, or how they might feel.
We're afraid of a confrontation. You know, we're afraid of
looking stupid. Like, if I ask this direct
question, will that reflect badly on me?
And so, when we're thinking about being direct about
something that we want to say, and then we don't we go into
avoidance, but we're still having the conversation in your
head. So you're still like investing a
lot of energy and a lot of attention into that, and we can
spend a lot of time there, and it is not that helpful.
It also shows up in terms of like beating around the bush.
So if you've ever been on, Receiving side.
What that can look like is someone who says something in a
kind of sideways way. Like, hey, you know what?
I think it's really important that we don't block each other
or get in each other's way, with workflow.
What they're really saying is, I think you're in my way.
There's something, I think you're doing, that's blocking
me. But instead of saying that like,
oh, you know, I think it's important that we both You know,
X Y and Z. So there's the beating around
the bush, the hoping that, you know, you read between the lines
and that you understand what they mean.
Without them needing to actually say it, all of this can be so
difficult and exhausting and especially when so much of our
communication happens through written language through a chat
or a direct message or on slack or through Like A team's
message. You're not getting the full
context of the communication of the tone of the facial
expression. I mean, this is why we use
emojis because it allows us to convey some additional quality
of emotional content. In addition to the words
themselves, the words themselves.
Don't carry all of the information or all of the
meaning. And it's also going to be in the
way that you speak the way that you deliver them.
So those are a lot of reasons why we have difficulty being
direct and by other people may have difficulty being direct
with you and I like to sum it up just by saying we just don't
have a lot of practice and honestly, most of us did not
grow up with adults who are very skillful being effectively
direct there. They're, you know, sort of more
controlling like the disciplinarian, you know,
micromanager adult, who's like, you need to do this in this way.
And so we didn't we didn't get a feeling of oh, it is safe to be
direct with people. It is effective to be direct
with people. A lot of us, just did not have
practice. So the nice thing, you know,
number one, give yourself some Grace if you really Struggle
with being direct. It is so okay.
It is completely understandable. It's just a skill.
You haven't, you know, you haven't intentionally developed.
And in fact, you've probably become as successful As You Are
by not being direct or sometimes, maybe you owe, you
know, go overboard and you become sort of controlling when
you try to be direct. That's okay to your human were
all learning. We go.
So remember, right? It's a skill.
You might not be immediately good at it.
No problem. And when you start realizing,
okay, how can I be direct in a way that still builds, trust
builds? The relationship gets me out of
this Loop in my mind where I'm trying to imagine all the ways
that it could go wrong, trying to find the one way that it
could go, right? The way I want to offer to think
about it. It is that if being direct is
that action, you take, you want to pair that action with like a
connective supporting thought, like how are you thinking about,
why you're being direct? So if you're thinking, I'm going
to be direct because I'm angry with this person and I get
direct when I'm angry. Yeah, that's not going to be as
helpful. We don't want to only use Is
that direct communication style when you're feeling at your wits
end? And very frustrated, but
instead, if you think something like, I'm going to be direct
because I have so much respect for this person, because I trust
our relationship to still be good because we are on the same
team, because being direct is honestly the most kind way, that
I can communicate this even if it's hard.
And I'm going to be direct because I value this
relationship so much. I'm going to be direct and it's
okay if it feels kind of scary. And if I feel kind of awkward
because this is also how I grow and step into this role of
leadership. I'm going to be direct because
even though it feels harder in the moment.
It's easier in the long run. It will actually save us both a
lot of time and a lot of energy. And I can find a way to be
direct that also includes a lot of kindness, a lot of generosity
of spirit because we're all here, you know, on the same
team. We all want to work.
Well together. We all want to feel appreciated
and valued. Respected like we're doing a
good job. Like the work we do matters.
That's all like, we all want that and I can be direct from
that place and when you are completely changes the way that
you communicate. So let me give you another
example of when and how and why to be direct in this scenario.
Imagine that you are. Manager comes to you and says, I
want to put you up for a promotion in our next review
cycle. And so the start thinking about,
you know, what is the work that you want to be doing, and I just
wanted to let you know, so it didn't come as a surprise that,
you know, I see a promotion coming for you and where your
mind goes to is, you think. Oh my gosh, that's amazing.
I'm so flattered, but I don't know that.
Want it? Like I'm already working really
hard and when I think about getting promoted that sounds
like a lot more work. That sounds like a lot more
responsibility and gosh like I really like what I do.
Now. I'm really happy with what I'm
doing. I don't know that I want to get
promoted and what, you know, what do I say to my manager?
Do I just go along with it? Do I start looking for another
job because I actually Don't think I want all that extra
responsibility. Like what do I do?
So if you're going to be in direct, you might just avoid the
question and just go along with it.
Reluctantly and with a lot of fear.
If you chose to be direct from this place of, we're on the same
team. I value this person.
I trust our relationship, then you go to your manager and you
say, I really appreciate that. You want to put me up for
promotion? I'm actually really curious
about why and you ask them directly.
Like why do you see me in that way or like how do you envision
this going and you get more information and perhaps you
learned in that moment. They say, well, you've been
doing such a high quality of work.
You've actually been doing the work of the level of Person like
the level higher and so when I say I want to promote you it's
because I want your title and your compensation to match the
level and volume of work you're currently doing and then you can
Siren with relief and say, oh, so it's not about me doing more
work or additional work. It really is just about
recognizing how much I have grown since I started here.
We're acknowledging the quality of the work.
I'm doing and realizing that my current title and compensation
does not match the work I'm doing.
And so promotion means that I get an elevated title an
increase in compensation, but my core work really Remains the
Same, that is one of the benefits of being direct when
you are. In the course and flow of your
work day and have your life. The the ways you'll notice that
you are resisting being direct is, you'll start having
imaginary conversations with the person and you'll also jump to
conclusions and make assumptions about what things mean.
So in that story, when your manager comes and says, I want
to put you up for a promotion, you immediately assume a
promotion means Taking on all these new responsibilities and
giving up the work that I love doing when you slow down a bit
and say, okay, how can I ask directly?
What is this mean and why is my manager thinking of this?
For me? It will get you more clarity and
it will get you more information and then it is so much easier to
have a very effective conversation.
And to also have the information for yourself to make a decision
that really feels good for you and it's normal for our brain to
flare up in fear anytime. We're faced with uncertainty.
And it's so interesting to notice that even if it's a
positive uncertainty, even if it's something that you want
like I see this a lot, you know, I'm promoted, amazing.
Oh, no, what do I do? I do like I've never done this
before, it is so normal because your brain doesn't really sting
wish distinguish between something positive and something
- it just registers. There is change.
There is something I haven't done before and then that sets
off the flare of fear and insecurity and uncertainty like
it is such a common experience. So I want to normalize that for
you in case that's something that you're experiencing too.
So that is what I want to share with.
You around being direct. Oh, and you know what?
I also mentioned at the beginning.
How this is useful in like all of your relationships.
Not just the ones that work and there was a short story.
I wanted to share. So several years ago, when I was
new new in a relationship with my current partner, who is
Amazing by the way best relationship ever.
One of the things I noticed was that I would text him a lot.
More than he texted me. And one day.
I just I told him, I said, hey, I want you to know.
I will probably always text you more than you text me and I
don't expect you to respond every time.
Like, you don't have to respond to me every time I message you
and I'll probably invite you to spend time with me like a lot.
That's just kind of how I roll like a fire, like, so, When I'm
like, hey, can we spend time together all the time?
And I told him I'm like, I'm just going to trust you to be
direct with me. Like, if you are not available.
I will trust you to tell me. No and I promise that I'll be
okay. I won't be at the won't be mad
about it. I'm going to trust that you're
taking care of yourself that you're making decisions that are
good for you. And I'm just, you know, going to
text you in, you know, in my timing when it feels good for
me, but But let's just be clear like you don't have to respond
every time and you don't have to, you know, feel bad.
If you feel like you're saying no to some of my invitations and
it was such an amazing moment. He was like, oh, really?
Like thank you for saying that because because on his side, it
started to feel like pressure like that, every response
recruit, every one of my messages, required, a response,
and that every ask of mine, required him.
It was pressure for him to say, yes.
So for me to just be direct and say, hey, like this is how I
tend to communicate and like I want us to be good like it's
okay. If you are a know, I welcome
your know. If I'm just going to trust,
you're taking care of yourself and it's fine.
Like we had to sort of, you know, pressure test that as we
got started and we did, and it was awesome.
And that is something I had to learn how to do.
Because you know like as a human who is dating other humans, like
we're all kind of working with different expectations.
And we sometimes forget we have different levels of like like
capacity for energy to spend time with one another and it's
so easy to take things personally and feel rejected and
feel like we're messing things up and it just makes things
easier when we can bring. A willingness to be direct.
And, yeah, sometimes they can feel vulnerable, but it's worth
it when we use this, directness plus kindness, because we value
and respect, and Trust. And that is what makes
relationships more, satisfying, more robust, more adaptive, more
flexible. And that's what, you know, makes
work a lot more enjoyable than we have that and it just makes
life a little bit better too. So that is my teaching and my
share for you today. Look for ways to bring more
directness. That same quality of kindness
and trust and respect in two different moments in your own
life. Notice in your workspace who is
really good at being direct who has not learned yet, how to do
that, who is a little bit indirect and a little bit
between the lines and making you guess?
And just notice what the effect is just be, super curious.
See how it plays out. And start to make some choices
intentionally for the way that you communicate in your own
world. All right.
Thanks so much for listening. I'll talk to you next time when
you're more effective at work. You're happier in your life.
And when you're happier in your life, you're more effective at
work. I can help go to my website.
Kim nickel.com and sign up for a coaching consult.
It can get better.