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Welcome to the new manager 
podcast. 

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I'm your host, Kim nickel. 
Hello and welcome. 

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I hope you're doing well. 
I'm glad that you're here and I 

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want to start with a shout-out 
to one of my newest clients, who

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successfully advocated for 
himself to get coaching. 

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It's something he and I talked 
about. 

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He said, I want to pay for this 
anyways, but if I can present 

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this to my organization. 
Station and have them pay for 

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it, even better, which, of 
course I love if you've listened

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to my earlier episode on how to 
advocate for yourself. 

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I talk more about how to do 
this. 

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And last week, he wrote to me 
and said can it is a go. 

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They approved, you know, the 
budget for me to get coaching 

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and we're going to start working
next week together, and I'm 

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thrilled. 
So I wanted to start with that 

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celebration and that share and 
you know, Oh, just remember to 

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that your company might actually
be thrilled. 

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Your boss might be thrilled. 
If you come to them and say hey,

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I found this coach I want to 
work with do we've got have we 

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got budget for that. 
How can we make that happen? 

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Here's why I think it's really 
going to help me be more 

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effective at work. 
I mean that just could be the 

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answer to their prayers because 
you know, they're tired. 

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They're busy. 
They really want to keep you. 

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They want you to be happy. 
They want you to get better at 

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You do. 
So they might just be waiting 

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for you to ask for that. 
So our topic for today is how to

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be direct. 
Oh, I love this topic because it

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is super useful, not just at 
work and in your work life, but 

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also as a human who has 
relationships with other humans.

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And as a side note. 
Everything that I talked about 

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and all of the concepts that I 
teach, they also apply, not just

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to work, but to Being Human in 
relationship, with other humans 

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because guess what? 
Every company, every 

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organization on the planet is 
made of people. 

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And that means that when you 
learn how to communicate more 

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effectively, when you learn how 
to be more direct when you learn

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how to The kit for yourself. 
When you learn how to be 

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supportive and clear, in 
requests like everything, fits 

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it, all, it all goes together. 
And what's cool is that as you 

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learn skills and gain confidence
in, using them, in one part of 

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your career, or one part of your
life, you then get to bring and 

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apply those to every other 
place, you know, this is when I 

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was teaching my class for new 
managers. 

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At General Assembly, you know, 
back in 2017 2018 and I had 

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students from different 
industries from small companies,

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from big companies, from 
nonprofit organizations from 

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Healthcare from education, from 
all these different places. 

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The issues people were bringing.
We're all the same, the problems

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that they had were all the same 
because, no matter what industry

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you're in, you're still working 
with people and the challenges 

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that we face and just relating 
to and communicating. 

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Another tend to show up in kind 
of the same way in all of these 

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different places. 
So it is very delightful to know

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that as you learn to level up 
your skills and start to expand 

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your ability to think 
strategically and you feel more 

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confident and really stepping 
into your sense of who you are, 

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as a leader and as a manager and
having more Influence in your 

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world that you will find that to
be useful for the rest of your 

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career and for the rest of your 
life. 

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So today we're talking about how
to be direct and when I first 

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started teaching new managers 
one of the questions that would 

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come up, a lot is people would 
say, how do I be direct but 

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without being an asshole like 
how do I beat a wrecked? 

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But Still be supportive and kind
like, how do I be direct without

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it escalating into a fight, or a
confrontation? 

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And I think this is such a 
brilliant thing to notice 

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because so many of us in the 
course of your life, here on the

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planet. 
You have learned something about

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being direct. 
You've all either learned that 

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it is a bad idea because it 
creates conflict, it breaks. 

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Relationships, it feels 
confrontational and super 

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uncomfortable. 
Like, you might have learned 

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that about being direct or, you 
know, you might have learned 

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that actually being direct can 
be really effective and 

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efficient and enhanced trust. 
And, you know, like you might 

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have learned that about being 
direct, you might have also 

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learned. 
It depends on who you're talking

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to. 
Because maybe if you are 

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communicating With someone who 
has more power than you, they 

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might not always be receptive to
direct communication. 

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You might have learned that you 
have to present your, you know, 

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your languaging in a softer way 
or in kind of a more sideways, 

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kind of weigh and consider two, 
depending on the cultural 

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context that you grew up in with
In some cultures. 

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He's being direct is actually 
considered a very rude, a rude 

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thing to do. 
And so you might have learned 

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that actually like we don't be 
direct with people especially 

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with people in positions of 
power because that would land in

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a very rude and offensive way. 
So, you know, you've got already

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all of these layers. 
Is that kind of filter and shape

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the way that you are or are not 
direct and in the workplace. 

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It's one of these skills that 
can be so useful because when we

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can be direct, when we can be 
clear, we start to eliminate 

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confusion, we start to eliminate
guessing or trying to mind-read 

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others and it can create. 
He ate like more ease because 

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often our anxiety spikes when 
there is ambiguity, when people 

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are not being direct or not 
being clear and we're trying to 

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guess what's happening. 
We can create more anxiety, kind

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of, in the system of 
relationships. 

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So, you know, one of the first 
things that I want to suggest 

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that you think about, as you go 
into your work week, is to just 

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notice. 
What is the Full of direct 

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communication that you encounter
in the course of your work week 

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and notice who around you 
communicates directly. 

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And in what context, is it, you 
know, coming from your manager. 

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Is it coming from senior 
leadership? 

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Is it coming from a peer? 
Is it coming from someone 

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reporting up to you like notice?
Where does direct communication 

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happen, notice what the effect 
of it is? 

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Is and also notice like really 
start to tune your ability to 

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observe and notice where is in 
direct or an absence of direct 

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communication happening. 
And what is the effect of that 

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and often what you'll find is 
that in direct communication 

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will show up as being passive 
aggressive. 

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We've all done it, even though 
we All hate it. 

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Why do we do this? 
Because we are afraid of being 

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direct or because we're running 
an internal calculation about 

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what will it cost me to be 
direct with this person? 

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And sometimes we'll decide. 
It's just worth too much energy.

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It's a lot easier for me to be 
indirectly aggressive or sort of

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passively aggressive rather than
Gathering the energy and the 

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courage to say, Say, okay. 
I think we need to have a 

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conversation to clear the air, 
or I want to be sure that we're 

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being clear about what is 
happening right now, or okay, I 

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saw your email and can we follow
up with a conversation? 

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Because there's some things that
are a little bit unclear here, 

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but I'd like to just to, you 
know, I just like this to clear 

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the air on this. 
Make sure we're on the same 

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page. 
So look for where that where you

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see that if you see a pass. 
Aggressive behaviors that kind 

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of that flag signal of. 
This is someone who's 

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communicating indirectly about a
particular topic. 

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This is also, you know, when we 
communicate indirectly or when 

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there's a lot of this kind of 
side conversation happening like

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you're you know, you're feeling 
stressed or frustrated with 

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someone and instead of speaking 
directly about it to that 

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person, you talk about it and 
you talk about About that person

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with other people and we want to
be really mindful of that 

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because in the right context, 
that can actually be really 

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helpful. 
And honestly, that is what 

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coaching is great for is you can
talk it out and talk it like 

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talk through your own thoughts 
about it with someone who is not

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involved in the situation. 
But where it becomes corrosive 

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is when it becomes like 
back-channel or it becomes, you 

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know, Like talking about someone
in the system to somebody else 

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in the in the system. 
And then you have the side 

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conversations that get in the 
way of trust and that become 

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distractions. 
And that can create friction and

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bad feelings with people. 
So, you want to be mindful of 

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that. 
And also, like, when we're not 

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being direct, so it corrodes 
trust, it can create resentment.

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It can create confusion. 
Asian and misunderstandings and 

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it you know at the end of the 
day it just it just ends up 

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becoming more draining and it is
so easy to do. 

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It is so easy to do because in 
the moment it lets you kind of 

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relieve some of the pressure of 
you know often were not being 

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direct but we're thinking about 
the conversation that we want to

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have. 
So you're already having lots of

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imaginary conversations in your 
mind. 

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You're trying to Out. 
How do I have this conversation 

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in a way that creates a good 
outcome. 

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So, we're not direct. 
When we are afraid of the 

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outcome. 
We're afraid of what the other 

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person will think of us were 
afraid of what the other person 

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will say, or how they might 
feel. 

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We're afraid of a confrontation.
You know, we're afraid of 

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looking stupid. 
Like, if I ask this direct 

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question, will that reflect 
badly on me? 

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And so, when we're thinking 
about being direct about 

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something that we want to say, 
and then we don't we go into 

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avoidance, but we're still 
having the conversation in your 

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head. 
So you're still like investing a

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lot of energy and a lot of 
attention into that, and we can 

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spend a lot of time there, and 
it is not that helpful. 

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It also shows up in terms of 
like beating around the bush. 

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So if you've ever been on, 
Receiving side. 

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What that can look like is 
someone who says something in a 

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kind of sideways way. 
Like, hey, you know what? 

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I think it's really important 
that we don't block each other 

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or get in each other's way, with
workflow. 

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What they're really saying is, I
think you're in my way. 

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There's something, I think 
you're doing, that's blocking 

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me. 
But instead of saying that like,

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oh, you know, I think it's 
important that we both You know,

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X Y and Z. 
So there's the beating around 

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the bush, the hoping that, you 
know, you read between the lines

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and that you understand what 
they mean. 

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Without them needing to actually
say it, all of this can be so 

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difficult and exhausting and 
especially when so much of our 

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communication happens through 
written language through a chat 

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or a direct message or on slack 
or through Like A team's 

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message. 
You're not getting the full 

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context of the communication of 
the tone of the facial 

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expression. 
I mean, this is why we use 

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emojis because it allows us to 
convey some additional quality 

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of emotional content. 
In addition to the words 

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themselves, the words 
themselves. 

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Don't carry all of the 
information or all of the 

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meaning. 
And it's also going to be in the

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way that you speak the way that 
you deliver them. 

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So those are a lot of reasons 
why we have difficulty being 

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direct and by other people may 
have difficulty being direct 

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with you and I like to sum it up
just by saying we just don't 

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have a lot of practice and 
honestly, most of us did not 

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grow up with adults who are very
skillful being effectively 

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direct there. 
They're, you know, sort of more 

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controlling like the 
disciplinarian, you know, 

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micromanager adult, who's like, 
you need to do this in this way.

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And so we didn't we didn't get a
feeling of oh, it is safe to be 

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direct with people. 
It is effective to be direct 

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with people. 
A lot of us, just did not have 

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practice. 
So the nice thing, you know, 

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number one, give yourself some 
Grace if you really Struggle 

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with being direct. 
It is so okay. 

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It is completely understandable.
It's just a skill. 

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You haven't, you know, you 
haven't intentionally developed.

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And in fact, you've probably 
become as successful As You Are 

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by not being direct or 
sometimes, maybe you owe, you 

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know, go overboard and you 
become sort of controlling when 

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you try to be direct. 
That's okay to your human were 

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all learning. 
We go. 

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So remember, right? 
It's a skill. 

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You might not be immediately 
good at it. 

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No problem. 
And when you start realizing, 

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okay, how can I be direct in a 
way that still builds, trust 

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builds? 
The relationship gets me out of 

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this Loop in my mind where I'm 
trying to imagine all the ways 

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that it could go wrong, trying 
to find the one way that it 

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could go, right? 
The way I want to offer to think

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about it. 
It is that if being direct is 

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that action, you take, you want 
to pair that action with like a 

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connective supporting thought, 
like how are you thinking about,

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why you're being direct? 
So if you're thinking, I'm going

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to be direct because I'm angry 
with this person and I get 

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direct when I'm angry. 
Yeah, that's not going to be as 

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helpful. 
We don't want to only use Is 

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that direct communication style 
when you're feeling at your wits

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end? 
And very frustrated, but 

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instead, if you think something 
like, I'm going to be direct 

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because I have so much respect 
for this person, because I trust

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our relationship to still be 
good because we are on the same 

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team, because being direct is 
honestly the most kind way, that

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I can communicate this even if 
it's hard. 

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And I'm going to be direct 
because I value this 

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relationship so much. 
I'm going to be direct and it's 

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okay if it feels kind of scary. 
And if I feel kind of awkward 

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because this is also how I grow 
and step into this role of 

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leadership. 
I'm going to be direct because 

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even though it feels harder in 
the moment. 

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It's easier in the long run. 
It will actually save us both a 

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lot of time and a lot of energy.
And I can find a way to be 

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direct that also includes a lot 
of kindness, a lot of generosity

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of spirit because we're all 
here, you know, on the same 

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team. 
We all want to work. 

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Well together. 
We all want to feel appreciated 

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and valued. 
Respected like we're doing a 

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good job. 
Like the work we do matters. 

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That's all like, we all want 
that and I can be direct from 

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that place and when you are 
completely changes the way that 

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you communicate. 
So let me give you another 

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example of when and how and why 
to be direct in this scenario. 

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Imagine that you are. 
Manager comes to you and says, I

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want to put you up for a 
promotion in our next review 

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cycle. 
And so the start thinking about,

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you know, what is the work that 
you want to be doing, and I just

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wanted to let you know, so it 
didn't come as a surprise that, 

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you know, I see a promotion 
coming for you and where your 

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mind goes to is, you think. 
Oh my gosh, that's amazing. 

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I'm so flattered, but I don't 
know that. 

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Want it? 
Like I'm already working really 

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hard and when I think about 
getting promoted that sounds 

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like a lot more work. 
That sounds like a lot more 

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responsibility and gosh like I 
really like what I do. 

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Now. 
I'm really happy with what I'm 

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doing. 
I don't know that I want to get 

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promoted and what, you know, 
what do I say to my manager? 

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Do I just go along with it? 
Do I start looking for another 

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job because I actually Don't 
think I want all that extra 

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responsibility. 
Like what do I do? 

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So if you're going to be in 
direct, you might just avoid the

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question and just go along with 
it. 

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Reluctantly and with a lot of 
fear. 

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If you chose to be direct from 
this place of, we're on the same

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team. 
I value this person. 

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I trust our relationship, then 
you go to your manager and you 

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say, I really appreciate that. 
You want to put me up for 

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promotion? 
I'm actually really curious 

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00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:14,400
about why and you ask them 
directly. 

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Like why do you see me in that 
way or like how do you envision 

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this going and you get more 
information and perhaps you 

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learned in that moment. 
They say, well, you've been 

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doing such a high quality of 
work. 

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You've actually been doing the 
work of the level of Person like

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the level higher and so when I 
say I want to promote you it's 

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because I want your title and 
your compensation to match the 

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level and volume of work you're 
currently doing and then you can

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00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:54,300
Siren with relief and say, oh, 
so it's not about me doing more 

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work or additional work. 
It really is just about 

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recognizing how much I have 
grown since I started here. 

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We're acknowledging the quality 
of the work. 

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I'm doing and realizing that my 
current title and compensation 

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does not match the work I'm 
doing. 

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And so promotion means that I 
get an elevated title an 

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00:21:21,300 --> 00:21:25,800
increase in compensation, but my
core work really Remains the 

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00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:31,500
Same, that is one of the 
benefits of being direct when 

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you are. 
In the course and flow of your 

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work day and have your life. 
The the ways you'll notice that 

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you are resisting being direct 
is, you'll start having 

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00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:50,000
imaginary conversations with the
person and you'll also jump to 

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00:21:50,000 --> 00:21:53,100
conclusions and make assumptions
about what things mean. 

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So in that story, when your 
manager comes and says, I want 

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00:21:56,900 --> 00:22:00,600
to put you up for a promotion, 
you immediately assume a 

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00:22:00,600 --> 00:22:05,300
promotion means Taking on all 
these new responsibilities and 

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00:22:05,300 --> 00:22:11,500
giving up the work that I love 
doing when you slow down a bit 

316
00:22:11,500 --> 00:22:14,900
and say, okay, how can I ask 
directly? 

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What is this mean and why is my 
manager thinking of this? 

318
00:22:20,700 --> 00:22:23,800
For me? 
It will get you more clarity and

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00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:29,800
it will get you more information
and then it is so much easier to

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00:22:29,800 --> 00:22:32,500
have a very effective 
conversation. 

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00:22:32,900 --> 00:22:38,600
And to also have the information
for yourself to make a decision 

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00:22:38,700 --> 00:22:44,200
that really feels good for you 
and it's normal for our brain to

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flare up in fear anytime. 
We're faced with uncertainty. 

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00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:52,100
And it's so interesting to 
notice that even if it's a 

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00:22:52,100 --> 00:22:57,000
positive uncertainty, even if 
it's something that you want 

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00:22:57,300 --> 00:23:00,800
like I see this a lot, you know,
I'm promoted, amazing. 

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00:23:00,900 --> 00:23:04,000
Oh, no, what do I do? 
I do like I've never done this 

328
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:08,300
before, it is so normal because 
your brain doesn't really sting 

329
00:23:08,300 --> 00:23:11,000
wish distinguish between 
something positive and something

330
00:23:11,000 --> 00:23:14,300
- it just registers. 
There is change. 

331
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:17,500
There is something I haven't 
done before and then that sets 

332
00:23:17,500 --> 00:23:23,100
off the flare of fear and 
insecurity and uncertainty like 

333
00:23:23,100 --> 00:23:28,500
it is such a common experience. 
So I want to normalize that for 

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00:23:28,500 --> 00:23:30,800
you in case that's something 
that you're experiencing too. 

335
00:23:31,200 --> 00:23:32,600
So that is what I want to share 
with. 

336
00:23:32,700 --> 00:23:37,400
You around being direct. 
Oh, and you know what? 

337
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:39,000
I also mentioned at the 
beginning. 

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How this is useful in like all 
of your relationships. 

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Not just the ones that work and 
there was a short story. 

340
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I wanted to share. 
So several years ago, when I was

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00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:54,100
new new in a relationship with 
my current partner, who is 

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00:23:54,100 --> 00:23:57,300
Amazing by the way best 
relationship ever. 

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One of the things I noticed was 
that I would text him a lot. 

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00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:05,700
More than he texted me. 
And one day. 

345
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I just I told him, I said, hey, 
I want you to know. 

346
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:14,200
I will probably always text you 
more than you text me and I 

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00:24:14,200 --> 00:24:17,100
don't expect you to respond 
every time. 

348
00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:23,500
Like, you don't have to respond 
to me every time I message you 

349
00:24:23,900 --> 00:24:29,500
and I'll probably invite you to 
spend time with me like a lot. 

350
00:24:29,900 --> 00:24:33,200
That's just kind of how I roll 
like a fire, like, so, When I'm 

351
00:24:33,200 --> 00:24:35,200
like, hey, can we spend time 
together all the time? 

352
00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:39,400
And I told him I'm like, I'm 
just going to trust you to be 

353
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:42,900
direct with me. 
Like, if you are not available. 

354
00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:46,300
I will trust you to tell me. 
No and I promise that I'll be 

355
00:24:46,300 --> 00:24:48,400
okay. 
I won't be at the won't be mad 

356
00:24:48,400 --> 00:24:50,900
about it. 
I'm going to trust that you're 

357
00:24:50,900 --> 00:24:54,100
taking care of yourself that 
you're making decisions that are

358
00:24:54,100 --> 00:24:57,400
good for you. 
And I'm just, you know, going to

359
00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:01,500
text you in, you know, in my 
timing when it feels good for 

360
00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:05,100
me, but But let's just be clear 
like you don't have to respond 

361
00:25:05,100 --> 00:25:08,000
every time and you don't have 
to, you know, feel bad. 

362
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:13,700
If you feel like you're saying 
no to some of my invitations and

363
00:25:13,700 --> 00:25:17,500
it was such an amazing moment. 
He was like, oh, really? 

364
00:25:17,500 --> 00:25:21,800
Like thank you for saying that 
because because on his side, it 

365
00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:25,400
started to feel like pressure 
like that, every response 

366
00:25:25,400 --> 00:25:28,000
recruit, every one of my 
messages, required, a response, 

367
00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:32,600
and that every ask of mine, 
required him. 

368
00:25:33,000 --> 00:25:35,000
It was pressure for him to say, 
yes. 

369
00:25:35,500 --> 00:25:40,200
So for me to just be direct and 
say, hey, like this is how I 

370
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:45,100
tend to communicate and like I 
want us to be good like it's 

371
00:25:45,100 --> 00:25:48,500
okay. 
If you are a know, I welcome 

372
00:25:48,500 --> 00:25:49,800
your know. 
If I'm just going to trust, 

373
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:52,500
you're taking care of yourself 
and it's fine. 

374
00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,800
Like we had to sort of, you 
know, pressure test that as we 

375
00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:58,800
got started and we did, and it 
was awesome. 

376
00:25:59,300 --> 00:26:02,500
And that is something I had to 
learn how to do. 

377
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:09,300
Because you know like as a human
who is dating other humans, like

378
00:26:09,300 --> 00:26:12,000
we're all kind of working with 
different expectations. 

379
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:17,100
And we sometimes forget we have 
different levels of like like 

380
00:26:17,100 --> 00:26:21,900
capacity for energy to spend 
time with one another and it's 

381
00:26:21,900 --> 00:26:25,300
so easy to take things 
personally and feel rejected and

382
00:26:25,300 --> 00:26:30,200
feel like we're messing things 
up and it just makes things 

383
00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:35,100
easier when we can bring. 
A willingness to be direct. 

384
00:26:35,500 --> 00:26:40,100
And, yeah, sometimes they can 
feel vulnerable, but it's worth 

385
00:26:40,100 --> 00:26:48,200
it when we use this, directness 
plus kindness, because we value 

386
00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:53,400
and respect, and Trust. 
And that is what makes 

387
00:26:53,500 --> 00:26:59,400
relationships more, satisfying, 
more robust, more adaptive, more

388
00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:02,600
flexible. 
And that's what, you know, makes

389
00:27:02,600 --> 00:27:08,600
work a lot more enjoyable than 
we have that and it just makes 

390
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:13,700
life a little bit better too. 
So that is my teaching and my 

391
00:27:13,700 --> 00:27:19,600
share for you today. 
Look for ways to bring more 

392
00:27:19,600 --> 00:27:23,600
directness. 
That same quality of kindness 

393
00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:27,400
and trust and respect in two 
different moments in your own 

394
00:27:27,400 --> 00:27:32,100
life. 
Notice in your workspace who is 

395
00:27:32,100 --> 00:27:36,700
really good at being direct who 
has not learned yet, how to do 

396
00:27:36,700 --> 00:27:42,700
that, who is a little bit 
indirect and a little bit 

397
00:27:42,700 --> 00:27:45,000
between the lines and making you
guess? 

398
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:49,400
And just notice what the effect 
is just be, super curious. 

399
00:27:49,500 --> 00:27:54,400
See how it plays out. 
And start to make some choices 

400
00:27:54,600 --> 00:27:58,000
intentionally for the way that 
you communicate in your own 

401
00:27:58,000 --> 00:27:59,200
world. 
All right. 

402
00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:06,200
Thanks so much for listening. 
I'll talk to you next time when 

403
00:28:06,200 --> 00:28:09,400
you're more effective at work. 
You're happier in your life. 

404
00:28:09,700 --> 00:28:12,700
And when you're happier in your 
life, you're more effective at 

405
00:28:12,700 --> 00:28:15,800
work. 
I can help go to my website. 

406
00:28:15,800 --> 00:28:19,900
Kim nickel.com and sign up for a
coaching consult. 

407
00:28:20,100 --> 00:28:21,400
It can get better.