Welcome to the new manager podcast.
I'm your host, Kim nickel. Hello, and welcome.
I'm glad you're here. And I hope you're doing well,
there is so much to celebrate today.
And it's a good reminder of how important it is to celebrate.
Because there will always be things to do that, haven't
gotten done. And there will be always things
to improve or things that you think.
I wish I could do this better. That's just true about Being a
human and growing and learning new things and facing new
challenges. There will always be that and
that's not a good reason to skip over the celebrations,
especially the small ones because the little celebrations
are part of what keep us going and give that inside part that
sometimes feels discouraged or simply just Tired gives us the
energy to keep going and to feel like, you know what we're
actually doing, okay. There's actually a lot we can
celebrate. So today a couple celebrations I
wanted to start with one is I wanted to celebrate one of my
clients. She actually is working in an
organization that hired me to teach a series of communication
workshops and do some communication coaching with
them. And one of the things I told the
group and our very first session was that when you're learning
about communication and you're going to improve the way that
you communicate out, work to be more effective in the workplace
realize that everything you learn.
You also can use elsewhere in your life.
One of the things I love about communication skills is because
you use them every day all the time in, Every relationship in
all kinds of situations. So don't think of this just as
skills for your work life. Think of this as skills for your
life, like all of it. And so they took one of the
concepts from class are very first group class together and
they thought about their home life and their roommate and
realize there was a conversation, That they had been
avoiding and because of what they learned in class and
started thinking differently about their relationship and
their living situation, and their roommate decided to have a
conversation and it turns out they both had been feeling a
little resentful, not a big deal, nothing serious.
But this growing underlying unease and because they Able to
open this conversation and address it before it became a
really big deal. It just made everything better
sooner and it was so wonderful because as they were relaying,
the story to me, I mean they just have so much more
confidence and in themselves but also in this feeling of oh I
know how to take care of my relationships and keep them
healthy and good and loving and respectful.
And if there's something that feels He's a little off, I know
what to do. Now, I have some tools, some
skills, and I have the mindset and the confidence to be able to
use them. So that is a huge celebration
for me. I love it.
When my students and my clients are able to take something small
and turn it into something big and especially around things
that seem like not a big deal because that's where we tend to
overlook. Look the opportunity to make a
change. So I love that celebrating them.
Celebrating me celebrating. All of us for being able to do
that. The other thing I wanted to
celebrate is, I got a new computer after 10 years.
And it was so funny because my so my boyfriend works in the
tech industry and he is very Tech forward and always very
curious and very interested about All of the new technology,
I'm a little bit the opposite. When I find something that works
I just like to keep it. Like my phone is very old and
cracked but it works and my laptop was 10 years old and you
know I didn't update the operating system all the times
they're supposed to. He was a little shocked by that
but you know we just have different styles, it still
worked, right? Why would I change it?
But I finally decided that it was it was time to upgrade My
machine and my tools, and it was fascinating to observe in myself
my own resistance, even though by all measures of performance,
the new machine is going to perform better, and it will help
me do things faster and easier and, you know it like it is it
is literally if you look at all the specifications, it is better
in every way. However, it is still different
and my mind. My brain is a human brain and so
we tend to resist change and we tend to stay with what is
familiar and comfortable and the things that we know how to do
because, you know, we've done the same way.
So it was really interesting to notice my own internal
negotiation, maybe I can keep my Current computer another year to
you know it still works. It still works.
Why should I get it? You would, it was really
interesting to notice that and I feel like it's something that
you know we get we get sometimes caught in this self-judgment
thing where we think, okay, there's something I need that is
going to improve my life in some way whether it's I need to
initiate an uncomfortable conversation or I need to Change
my job, or I need to apply for this promotion or, you know, or
I need to take time off, sometimes, it's that.
So, I really need to clear my plate.
Take time off to recharge. There are so many different
things where we think, oh, I know, I need to, I should it
would be really in my best interest to and I don't even
mean the social pressure kind of thing where Society tells You,
you know, you really should do X Y and Z.
I'm talking about you yourself. Genuinely believe that it would
benefit you in a meaningful way to do something different.
And even though you are an intelligent person, and you are
in touch with yourself, and you see how this makes perfect
sense, do not be surprised that there is a part of you that is
highly resistant to change. I think we're just Built that
way, we tend to be resistant to change.
Now the thing is you want to be aware of that resistance so that
you can decide is this resistance a good reason to not
actually change or is this just the resistance that always shows
up anytime I'm on the threshold of something new, because, if
we're not aware of that dynamic, That's when we can feel stuck in
a really uncomfortable place where you feel like I know I
should, but I just can't get myself to do it.
And I don't know why and I know I should but I just can't and
that push-pull feels exhausting and then if you put on a layer
of self judgement and start trying to like beat yourself up
as a way of motivating you to move forward that actually just
makes it worse. Because now you're associating
this new thing with something not just uncomfortable because
it's new but you're associating it with this internal voice
that's really mean to yourself and it's really hard to learn
and take risks because if you doing something new it feels
like a risk. Even if you have a great safety
net, like in my case, I had a boyfriend who had helped me get
my new machine started. But even then if you have this
Harsh internal voice that says, mean things about you, when
you're feeling resistant, that makes the resistance stay
longer. And what I found is when you
have this awareness, from the most compassionate, most loving
friendly Part of Yourself, the inner voice that says, oh
sweetie, I know that you don't want to do this because it feels
scary and I know that any time you do something new, you feel
kind of sad because you have Give up the thing that you've
been using that you really liked and you've got all this
emotional attachment to it. I completely understand this is
going to be uncomfortable for you and you know what, we're
still going to do it anyways because you've decided that this
is what you want and so we're going to go for it and we're
going to do this with all the kindness, all the gentleness,
all of the compassion, for what you are experiencing in the
moment. When you are able to tap into
that, That internal perspective and voice, it changes things.
It makes the hard things so much easier, which means that you
learn faster. And just like, with my student,
who is able to take a small idea to a small moment and apply it
with gentleness and curiosity and then have a really big win.
I mean, that's the best. That's honestly one of the
fastest and best ways is to Get unstuck this to bring so much
compassion, and understanding to yourself about how you are when
you are faced with change. And communication, is one of the
kinds of change that can feel so resistant, because it feels so
personal. It's not just communication.
Its this is who I am. I am, just this kind of person.
So, when you are updating The skill set of how you
communicate. Your also updating your sense of
identity. You're also updating yourself
concept about who you are as a person and if you feel like
you're going against your own feeling of self, then of course,
it's going to be hard. So a lot of my work, as a coach
is helping you to see, not just the skill that you will need in
order to accomplish. What you want to accomplish but
also to help you develop a mindset, a self concept and
identity that matches with that and that matches with your
values and, you know, is compatible with your sense of
self so that you're not fighting yourself along the way.
And this is really cool because then you really become a person
and a leader and your personal life and your professional life.
Start to feel really coherent, really a Aligned like it all
fits and it's not like performative and it's not
masking and it's not like you have to put toward yourself into
a certain shape. It really starts to feel more
like you just a new growth new version of you.
So having said all that, both the celebrations, awareness of
resistance, tapping into that compassion voice becoming aware
of the relationship. Nation ship between a skill set
and the mindset and self concept that you need in order to move
forward. I want to talk about push back.
This is something a lot of my clients struggle with at some
point because it feels very uncomfortable and it also feels
like it goes against their values and who they are as a
person. What I mean by that is if you
think of yourself as somebody, who likes to get along with,
People who is not like a conflict oriented person, you
know, you're just, that's, that's kind of not where you
tend to live. You tend to live in a place of,
I want to have collaboration. I like cooperation, I like
people getting along when there's High friction and high
conflict. That's very uncomfortable for
me. And so I tend to move away from
that. If you see yourself as that way,
if you see yourself as a person. Also, if you know that you have
a tendency to people, please, and both The positive and the
negative. So, the positive as I've talked
about before, is this really heartfelt sense of kind of
generosity of spirit where, of course, I want you to be
pleased. Of course, I want you to be
happy and to feel good and to feel valued.
Why wouldn't I want that? Like, of course, I want that,
you know, and on the extreme side that can get to the
negative side where you prioritize, the emotional state
of others, And then deprioritize and neglect and overlook your
own needs values. Our priorities, that's when it
gets into not such a great place, then the idea of push
back feels very uncomfortable and at work.
What often happens is, you're in a meeting with a group of people
or with your manager and someone either gives you a deadline or a
task or an assignment and you say yes and you commit yourself
Are you commit your team or you commit?
You make some commitment some agreement.
But there's a part of you inside that saying, I don't know if
this is the right choice. I don't really want to.
That's not really my responsibility.
I want to push back. I want to push back and that can
feel so uncomfortable. When you are a person that's
like that is, that feels so against just my natural wiring
and how I am in the world. I don't like feeling opposed to
others. I really like Harmony and
feeling, like we're part of a team.
So, I want to offer you a perspective.
It's a very small shift, but it can make a very big difference.
And instead of pushing back, which feels like we're now
against each other. You're like, you're trying to go
in One Direction and I'm trying to push against you.
And now, it feels like conflict and maybe there are even some
power dynamics where the person Is of a higher position and has
real power over. You kind of in the hierarchy of
the organization, it can feel highly risky and even it might
feel kind of rude to push back. So you're just like, okay and
then it just feels terrible and then you're not having a
conversation about it. So, instead of pushing back, I
want to invite you to think of it as slowing down.
So instead of saying I'm going to push back against this, want
you to think about it more like can we slow down a moment?
And take a look at this, can we slow down?
Let me understand what you're really trying to accomplish
here. Can we slow this down and take a
look at the big picture, because I think there are some other
things like, in play that were overlooking, because sometimes
when people are making decisions in the workplace, they're doing
it from a place of urgency, from a desire for For Speed.
But as we've talked about before urgent, doesn't always mean
things happen quickly. Sometimes when we're very fast
and reactive, it actually makes everything take longer because
we're not being strategic and thoughtful.
And we're just, you know, in a state of anxiety like chronic
anxiety, is not the same as efficient and effective work.
There are quite different. So instead Pushing back, you can
think of it as can we slow down and take a look at this, or can
we slow down and like have this this conversation?
So I really understand what you're trying to accomplish
first and what's nice about that is when you're slowing down, you
can think of it. Almost like you're riding a
horse and the horse is running full charge in One Direction.
You're not going to try to jump off that horse and stand in
front of it and say, hey, I'm going to push back.
You would get run over, it would not be a good scene for you or
the horse. You'd both feel pretty bad about
it, you could both get injured. But if you're riding this horse,
and you're going in the same direction and you just want to
slow things down a bit. You can do that with the most
subtle and gentle of signals just a shift in your weight.
Just a gentle change in like how you're holding yourself, can To
bring a little more slowness into the moment so that everyone
has a little more room to breathe.
It can take time to look at the situation from a few different
angles, but you're still going in the same direction and that
feels good. This feeling of we're going in
the same direction. I am with you.
We are on the same team. I just want to slow things down
because I'm I'm curious and that Curiosity can be very
non-threatening. It is, it doesn't have to be a
high conflict thing. It really changes the dynamic
and that energy, and can keep things feeling good, while still
raising some questions and pausing, the momentum to make
sure are we going in the right direction?
Is this really the best way forward?
With one of my clients? There was this dynamic.
At the higher level people. So, like the director of EP
levels would say, oh, it needs to happen in this way.
Go do this and it can feel like oh if my upper person is telling
me to do it in this way, I guess.
I'm supposed to do it in that way.
But what happens when you slow down as you can ask, what's
behind that requests are they simply in a panic?
And they think this is the one clear and only way to get things
done or are they saying? That it has to be done this way
because of some legal compliance thing.
Like is there a labor law that requires things be done in this
very specific way. Let's get clear and understand
because you might have another way to accomplish the goal in a
way that actually works better for your team because, you know,
your team better than the folks above you.
They don't have the same perspective that You do.
And when you are in that middle position and you can say to the
person above you, hey let's slow down.
Let me understand where this is coming from.
Okay, I hear that. Here's how I'm approaching it.
And here's why it allows you to bring a little more ease into
the system, a little more perspective, a little more like
a little more relaxed you know, like a little less anxiety or
just going to turn the anxiety down like five. %.
We're going to turn the ease up telling 0, 5, 5 to 10%, create a
little more Breathing Room, a little more space and that is so
helpful both for you for your team, for the leadership that
is, you know, trying to figure out how we going to get all of
this done and it doesn't require pushing back.
It just requires a willingness to slow down just a bit to be
curious. So, That is what I wanted to
offer to you today. See if you can find different
places in your own life and in your work to practice that see
what happens is those really small moments that create really
big results and outcomes and also start to build that
confidence in yourself. No matter what situation what
conversation, what relationship you are in.
And I will tell you that is an awesome thing to know about
yourself that you can do. That.
All right, thank you so much for listening.
If you want to work with me, there are two ways to do that.
You can work with me one-on-one or you can get on my mailing
list. So that you note, the next time
I open up my group, my group is Amazing.
By the way, I'm really enjoying this group, I've got kicked off.
So, all of that, is in the show notes, or just go to my website,
Kim nickel.com to learn more, have a great week.
I'll talk to you next time. Hey, before you go, if you like
this podcast, please leave a review.
Tell me why you listen and what has helped you?
Thanks so much. I'll see you next time.