Welcome to the new manager podcast.
I'm your host, Kim nickel. Hello and welcome.
I'm glad you're here and I hope you're doing well today.
I wanted to talk with you about boundaries and specifically the
idea of boundary as an agreement you make with yourself.
So one of the things I've noticed is around this idea of
boundaries, it can feel difficult to have them.
Because we think that a boundary is something you assert against
someone else and when we think of it in that way then we get
upset. When someone isn't respecting
our boundary or we get frustrated when they're not
behaving the way we want them to when we've communicated a
boundary and also noticing that so often we first encounter
this, Out of boundaries when there's been some kind of
violation like someone has crossed a boundary and it
doesn't feel good. And so then we think oh I need
to assert my boundaries and I need to tell them what needs to
be different and we can get it can start to just feel like a
boundary as a reactive thing that we do as a defense
mechanism. And when we think about it that
way, then it can feel like a Of pressure, it can feel
uncomfortable, it can feel frustrating.
And for many of us, especially early in our career, when we
were feeling, like we had to make it work, we had to get
along our job, was to be easy to work with.
When we think, oh my job is to not make a big deal out of
things. There's a lot, we can absorb
early on and just think we have no choice because we're in a
lesser position of power because Cuz we don't think we have any
options or simply because we're kind of new to the Working World
or to a particular industry and we don't really know how to
navigate it and so our desire to belong our desire to perform
well, our desire to achieve will create a dynamic where we're
focused on what we need to get done.
And then we tend to swallow our frustration or our discomfort.
Hurt and that works for a while and then it accumulates and it
just turns into a bad situation. So in the beginning we don't
always know kind of what about Andre is or if it's even okay to
have them in the workplace and I want to tell you that boundaries
are absolutely okay and it's a skill that you develop and you
become better at overtime. So totally normal if it feels
Feels awkward or clumsy. Or if it's something that you
feel, you haven't completely learned how to use yet and also
the element of context what is the power dynamic in the
organization and in the particular situation that you're
in because that plays into it as well.
But for today I want to bring this idea of boundaries in a way
that is not about confronting Are people controlling other
people or having rules that we want other people to follow.
And I say this because what I see a lot of is when we first
get into boundaries we think it works like that like I have a
boundary in order to control somebody else or in order to you
know I'm going to tell them this is my boundary and now they need
to respect it. It's like a rule that I have for
other people and instead I want you to think about a boundary as
an agreement. You make with yourself.
So for example, you might decide I don't take meetings at, you
know, this time of day. That's an agreement, I make with
myself. It might be around lunch.
You say, I don't take meetings at noon because I have an
agreement with myself that that is when I have lunch and I go
for a walk and that is like my dedicated time that I locate
specifically for this. And if you need to flex that on
occasion, okay? But you know that your agreement
is to protect that time for yourself.
Or for example, you might have an agreement with yourself.
You don't check email after a certain time of day, you've just
decided like for you for your life, you don't do that.
It's an agreement, you have with yourself.
You might have a boundary. You might say, I don't check my
messages. When I'm in bed.
So if I'm in bed and I'm on my phone, I do not, you know check
my messages, I have those alerts turned off or you know, you make
decisions about your behavior and about what you want to have
happen in your own life and it really is as simple as that.
What is the agreement that you have with yourself?
And then you follow through. So another way this can work is
you might decide you know I have an agreement, I don't work in
places where I don't feel respected or valued, I just
don't do that. Because that's an agreement I
have because I respect and value myself.
And so I only want to work with people where I feel respected
and valued. And if I find that I'm
consistently not experiencing that I'll try to You know have a
conversation or a just or maybe find another role within that
organization or I will start to look for something else.
And what's nice about that, for example, is that when you have
that agreement with yourself, then you don't have to take
things personally. You don't have to spend a lot of
energy, being angry, or frustrated, or disappointed with
other people because they're not, Meeting your boundary or
they're not kind of meeting your standard or expectation.
You simply choose based on the agreement that you have with
yourself. Like I have just decided I don't
stay in places that are not good for me.
I only want to work in places and environments that are good
for me as a human. And I realized that I might
outgrow a certain place or that a certain place might outgrow me
or grow into a different direction.
Things can change. But I just have an agreement
with myself that I want to feel respected and I want to feel
valued in the work that I do. So I only like why would I not
honor that for myself? That's an agreement that I have
and so when we think about a boundary as an agreement you
make with yourself then it makes it about your relationship to
you and your environment and it makes it less about Needing to
control our have rules for other people.
You can also think of this internally as the question of
like, how do I, how do I work? How do I like to work?
How do I want to spend my time? What are your agreements about
that? And when we don't expect other
people to know all of our boundaries or she'll remember
all of them, it can actually make things easier.
So one thing that I've seen come up with some of my clients is,
they'll say, you know, people are always coming to me for
things. And I feel like I can't say no
or I don't want to say no because I want to be helpful or
I feel like I need to be a team player and so I say yes and then
I feel like I lose control of my schedule and I'm over working
and I just I don't know what to do because I feel bad.
I don't want to say no when someone comes to me and often,
The thought is, I either need people to stop coming to me
because I can't say no or the fear is, if I say no, there will
be some kind of bad consequence either.
I'll break or damage the relationship or something bad
will happen, or they'll see me as not being helpful or kind and
then we feel uncomfortable about that.
But if you decide for yourself, hey, I have An agreement with
myself. About how I allocate my time,
then it doesn't really matter how many people come to you with
how many requests you can simply say, oh I'm not available
because, you know, you have allocated your time in another
way. And if you choose to say yes to
this, unexpected request, You know that it's not their fault.
You know, that you're the one who's either choosing to break
or renegotiate, your agreement with your self.
So it helps to have some clarity in advance because when we're
not clear like what is it that you agree to for yourself?
That's when we can kind of just be overly available and a little
bit more reactive. Rather than deciding, here's how
I'm going to spend my time. This is you know, just because
there's not a meeting on my calendar.
Does it mean that I'm free like that open?
Time is for something specific. I see this on the weekends to
people think gosh, just because I have nothing planned on the
weekend, doesn't mean I have to fill it with things for other
people. Sometimes the point of having my
free time is to Simply have free time time that isn't scheduled
with things where there is open space that you can decide to use
however you want. So if you want to have a
boundary, if you want to have an agreement with your self, one of
the things you need to do is you need to ask yourself?
What is it that I want? And we can look at this from
two. Directions, you can either look
at it from simply asking. Gosh, what do I want?
How do I want my schedule to work?
Or how do I want my responsibilities to look, you
can look at it from Simply the positive or you look at it from
what is happening in your life and in your work that you don't
want. What is the thing where you feel
like your boundaries are being kind of overstepped?
What is the thing you don't want and then flip it?
Turn it into To like the opposite.
So if it's, you know, I feel overworked because all these
people are coming to me with requests and I feel like I can't
say, no, then the thing you want is to be able to have the time
for the things and not have so many things and so little time
and part of making that happen will be how can I feel
comfortable? Staying in that agreement with
myself and then communicating to this other person.
So taking time to know what you want matters.
Otherwise it's too easy to Simply become reactive in the
moment. You want to understand in
advance. What is it that you want?
And what is the agreement? You're willing to make with
yourself. So that is what I wanted to
share with you today. This idea of boundaries as an
agreement you make Yourself doesn't have to be something
that creates a barrier with other people.
And in fact, when you have clarity about what you are a yes
to and what you are available for, it makes it a lot easier to
stay relaxed and clear with everything else and everyone
else because of course people want to come to you for help,
right? Like You're great and maybe just
your also understaffed. So There's always going to be
more work to do than there. Are people to do it part of the
job that you have is to have the responsibility for deciding and
making decisions about what is a yes, what is it know?
What gets delegated, what gets deprioritized?
That comes with it. All right, I hope this has been
helpful. Thank you so much for listening
and I'll talk to you next time. If you know it's time to level F
but you feel your perfectionism Self Doubt and uncertainty
getting in the way then come work with me.
We'll have six months of one-on-one coaching and it all
starts by going to my website, chemicalguys.com coaching and
joining my waitlist talk to you soon.