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Welcome to the new manager 
podcast. 

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I'm your host, Kim nickel. 
Hello and welcome. 

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I'm glad you're here and I hope 
you're doing well today. 

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I wanted to talk with you about 
boundaries and specifically the 

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idea of boundary as an agreement
you make with yourself. 

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So one of the things I've 
noticed is around this idea of 

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boundaries, it can feel 
difficult to have them. 

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Because we think that a boundary
is something you assert against 

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someone else and when we think 
of it in that way then we get 

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upset. 
When someone isn't respecting 

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our boundary or we get 
frustrated when they're not 

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behaving the way we want them to
when we've communicated a 

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boundary and also noticing that 
so often we first encounter 

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this, Out of boundaries when 
there's been some kind of 

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violation like someone has 
crossed a boundary and it 

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doesn't feel good. 
And so then we think oh I need 

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to assert my boundaries and I 
need to tell them what needs to 

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be different and we can get it 
can start to just feel like a 

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boundary as a reactive thing 
that we do as a defense 

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mechanism. 
And when we think about it that 

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way, then it can feel like a Of 
pressure, it can feel 

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uncomfortable, it can feel 
frustrating. 

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And for many of us, especially 
early in our career, when we 

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were feeling, like we had to 
make it work, we had to get 

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along our job, was to be easy to
work with. 

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When we think, oh my job is to 
not make a big deal out of 

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things. 
There's a lot, we can absorb 

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early on and just think we have 
no choice because we're in a 

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lesser position of power because
Cuz we don't think we have any 

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options or simply because we're 
kind of new to the Working World

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or to a particular industry and 
we don't really know how to 

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navigate it and so our desire to
belong our desire to perform 

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well, our desire to achieve will
create a dynamic where we're 

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focused on what we need to get 
done. 

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And then we tend to swallow our 
frustration or our discomfort. 

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Hurt and that works for a while 
and then it accumulates and it 

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just turns into a bad situation.
So in the beginning we don't 

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always know kind of what about 
Andre is or if it's even okay to

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have them in the workplace and I
want to tell you that boundaries

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are absolutely okay and it's a 
skill that you develop and you 

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become better at overtime. 
So totally normal if it feels 

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Feels awkward or clumsy. 
Or if it's something that you 

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feel, you haven't completely 
learned how to use yet and also 

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the element of context what is 
the power dynamic in the 

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organization and in the 
particular situation that you're

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in because that plays into it as
well. 

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But for today I want to bring 
this idea of boundaries in a way

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that is not about confronting 
Are people controlling other 

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people or having rules that we 
want other people to follow. 

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And I say this because what I 
see a lot of is when we first 

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get into boundaries we think it 
works like that like I have a 

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boundary in order to control 
somebody else or in order to you

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know I'm going to tell them this
is my boundary and now they need

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to respect it. 
It's like a rule that I have for

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other people and instead I want 
you to think about a boundary as

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an agreement. 
You make with yourself. 

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So for example, you might decide
I don't take meetings at, you 

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know, this time of day. 
That's an agreement, I make with

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myself. 
It might be around lunch. 

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You say, I don't take meetings 
at noon because I have an 

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agreement with myself that that 
is when I have lunch and I go 

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for a walk and that is like my 
dedicated time that I locate 

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specifically for this. 
And if you need to flex that on 

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occasion, okay? 
But you know that your agreement

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is to protect that time for 
yourself. 

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Or for example, you might have 
an agreement with yourself. 

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You don't check email after a 
certain time of day, you've just

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decided like for you for your 
life, you don't do that. 

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It's an agreement, you have with
yourself. 

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You might have a boundary. 
You might say, I don't check my 

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messages. 
When I'm in bed. 

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So if I'm in bed and I'm on my 
phone, I do not, you know check 

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my messages, I have those alerts
turned off or you know, you make

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decisions about your behavior 
and about what you want to have 

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happen in your own life and it 
really is as simple as that. 

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What is the agreement that you 
have with yourself? 

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And then you follow through. 
So another way this can work is 

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you might decide you know I have
an agreement, I don't work in 

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places where I don't feel 
respected or valued, I just 

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don't do that. 
Because that's an agreement I 

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have because I respect and value
myself. 

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And so I only want to work with 
people where I feel respected 

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and valued. 
And if I find that I'm 

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consistently not experiencing 
that I'll try to You know have a

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conversation or a just or maybe 
find another role within that 

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organization or I will start to 
look for something else. 

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And what's nice about that, for 
example, is that when you have 

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that agreement with yourself, 
then you don't have to take 

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things personally. 
You don't have to spend a lot of

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energy, being angry, or 
frustrated, or disappointed with

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other people because they're 
not, Meeting your boundary or 

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they're not kind of meeting your
standard or expectation. 

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You simply choose based on the 
agreement that you have with 

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yourself. 
Like I have just decided I don't

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stay in places that are not good
for me. 

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I only want to work in places 
and environments that are good 

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for me as a human. 
And I realized that I might 

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outgrow a certain place or that 
a certain place might outgrow me

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or grow into a different 
direction. 

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Things can change. 
But I just have an agreement 

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with myself that I want to feel 
respected and I want to feel 

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valued in the work that I do. 
So I only like why would I not 

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honor that for myself? 
That's an agreement that I have 

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and so when we think about a 
boundary as an agreement you 

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make with yourself then it makes
it about your relationship to 

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you and your environment and it 
makes it less about Needing to 

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control our have rules for other
people. 

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You can also think of this 
internally as the question of 

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like, how do I, how do I work? 
How do I like to work? 

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How do I want to spend my time? 
What are your agreements about 

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that? 
And when we don't expect other 

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people to know all of our 
boundaries or she'll remember 

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all of them, it can actually 
make things easier. 

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So one thing that I've seen come
up with some of my clients is, 

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they'll say, you know, people 
are always coming to me for 

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things. 
And I feel like I can't say no 

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or I don't want to say no 
because I want to be helpful or 

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I feel like I need to be a team 
player and so I say yes and then

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I feel like I lose control of my
schedule and I'm over working 

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and I just I don't know what to 
do because I feel bad. 

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I don't want to say no when 
someone comes to me and often, 

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The thought is, I either need 
people to stop coming to me 

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because I can't say no or the 
fear is, if I say no, there will

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be some kind of bad consequence 
either. 

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I'll break or damage the 
relationship or something bad 

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will happen, or they'll see me 
as not being helpful or kind and

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then we feel uncomfortable about
that. 

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But if you decide for yourself, 
hey, I have An agreement with 

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myself. 
About how I allocate my time, 

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then it doesn't really matter 
how many people come to you with

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how many requests you can simply
say, oh I'm not available 

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because, you know, you have 
allocated your time in another 

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way. 
And if you choose to say yes to 

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this, unexpected request, You 
know that it's not their fault. 

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You know, that you're the one 
who's either choosing to break 

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or renegotiate, your agreement 
with your self. 

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So it helps to have some clarity
in advance because when we're 

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not clear like what is it that 
you agree to for yourself? 

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That's when we can kind of just 
be overly available and a little

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bit more reactive. 
Rather than deciding, here's how

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I'm going to spend my time. 
This is you know, just because 

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there's not a meeting on my 
calendar. 

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Does it mean that I'm free like 
that open? 

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Time is for something specific. 
I see this on the weekends to 

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people think gosh, just because 
I have nothing planned on the 

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weekend, doesn't mean I have to 
fill it with things for other 

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people. 
Sometimes the point of having my

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free time is to Simply have free
time time that isn't scheduled 

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with things where there is open 
space that you can decide to use

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however you want. 
So if you want to have a 

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boundary, if you want to have an
agreement with your self, one of

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the things you need to do is you
need to ask yourself? 

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What is it that I want? 
And we can look at this from 

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two. 
Directions, you can either look 

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at it from simply asking. 
Gosh, what do I want? 

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How do I want my schedule to 
work? 

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Or how do I want my 
responsibilities to look, you 

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can look at it from Simply the 
positive or you look at it from 

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what is happening in your life 
and in your work that you don't 

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want. 
What is the thing where you feel

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like your boundaries are being 
kind of overstepped? 

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What is the thing you don't want
and then flip it? 

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Turn it into To like the 
opposite. 

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So if it's, you know, I feel 
overworked because all these 

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people are coming to me with 
requests and I feel like I can't

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say, no, then the thing you want
is to be able to have the time 

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for the things and not have so 
many things and so little time 

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and part of making that happen 
will be how can I feel 

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comfortable? 
Staying in that agreement with 

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myself and then communicating to
this other person. 

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So taking time to know what you 
want matters. 

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Otherwise it's too easy to 
Simply become reactive in the 

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moment. 
You want to understand in 

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advance. 
What is it that you want? 

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And what is the agreement? 
You're willing to make with 

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yourself. 
So that is what I wanted to 

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share with you today. 
This idea of boundaries as an 

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agreement you make Yourself 
doesn't have to be something 

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that creates a barrier with 
other people. 

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And in fact, when you have 
clarity about what you are a yes

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to and what you are available 
for, it makes it a lot easier to

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stay relaxed and clear with 
everything else and everyone 

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else because of course people 
want to come to you for help, 

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right? 
Like You're great and maybe just

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your also understaffed. 
So There's always going to be 

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more work to do than there. 
Are people to do it part of the 

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job that you have is to have the
responsibility for deciding and 

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making decisions about what is a
yes, what is it know? 

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What gets delegated, what gets 
deprioritized? 

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That comes with it. 
All right, I hope this has been 

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helpful. 
Thank you so much for listening 

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and I'll talk to you next time. 
If you know it's time to level F

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but you feel your perfectionism 
Self Doubt and uncertainty 

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getting in the way then come 
work with me. 

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We'll have six months of 
one-on-one coaching and it all 

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starts by going to my website, 
chemicalguys.com coaching and 

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00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:05,700
joining my waitlist talk to you 
soon.