1 00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:07,320 Welcome to the New Manager podcast. 2 00:00:07,600 --> 00:00:16,239 I'm your host, Kim Nichol. Hello and welcome. 3 00:00:16,360 --> 00:00:18,800 I'm glad you're here, and I hope you're doing well. 4 00:00:19,160 --> 00:00:25,000 Have you ever stumbled upon a book and you just saw it? 5 00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:29,280 You felt drawn to it. You picked it up and as you 6 00:00:29,280 --> 00:00:34,960 started to thumb through the pages, you had this feeling of, 7 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:38,920 Oh yes, it's time to read this book. 8 00:00:40,680 --> 00:00:45,160 I had that experience recently and it was something that as I 9 00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:50,800 was reading, I knew that I needed to create an episode and 10 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:55,360 share some of this book with you and share some of the ideas with 11 00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:57,800 you. Because I know that one of the 12 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:04,160 hard things when you step into a leadership role is that you are 13 00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:10,520 going to encounter more opportunities for conflict and 14 00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:13,520 friction. And I know that this is 15 00:01:13,520 --> 00:01:17,440 something I've heard a lot in the coaching work that I do and 16 00:01:17,440 --> 00:01:21,280 in my course around communication strategies and 17 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:24,920 helping people think about, you know, how to communicate more 18 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:29,280 effectively with people who have different priorities or people 19 00:01:29,280 --> 00:01:32,360 that are motivated by different things or people that just have 20 00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:38,720 a different perspective and view about work and how to do it. 21 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:44,880 The, the fear or the discomfort around potential conflict is 22 00:01:44,880 --> 00:01:49,040 something that I know can really show up a lot. 23 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:53,000 It can interfere with, you know, with everything from your sleep 24 00:01:53,360 --> 00:01:58,400 to your confidence to your ability to really feel like 25 00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:03,120 you're doing a good job. And so I found this book, and it 26 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:07,960 is called dignity, the essential role it plays in resolving 27 00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:11,960 Conflict. And the author is Doctor Donna 28 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:15,760 Hicks. She is an associate at the 29 00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:19,480 Weatherhead Center for International Affairs at Harvard 30 00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:26,680 University, and she has had a a long career in the field of 31 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:30,360 international conflict resolution. 32 00:02:30,840 --> 00:02:33,080 And so much of what she's learned and what she's written 33 00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:37,600 about in her book is so useful when we think about the 34 00:02:37,600 --> 00:02:42,600 workplace or honestly any, any situation where we are working 35 00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:46,760 with other humans. And also, I think it's really 36 00:02:46,760 --> 00:02:51,360 helpful to have this framework and language for considering 37 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:56,680 your own experience in the world and situations where you might 38 00:02:56,680 --> 00:03:01,200 have felt what Donna describes as a dignity violation. 39 00:03:01,520 --> 00:03:05,680 And I feel like her language and the way that she describes these 40 00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:09,760 10 essential elements of dignity, when we think about it 41 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:15,960 in this light, it has a change. Like it changes the way that we 42 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:22,520 can look at conflict and what's beyond that, Like, how do we 43 00:03:22,520 --> 00:03:26,520 reconcile? And so today I wanted to spend a 44 00:03:26,520 --> 00:03:31,400 little bit of time talking with you about her book and about 45 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:37,840 this framework and these 10 essential elements of dignity. 46 00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:42,120 The first one is acceptance of identity. 47 00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:46,000 And she talks about approaching people as being neither 48 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:51,320 inferior, more superior to you. I like to think of it as this 49 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,880 idea of, you know, we are both humans. 50 00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:55,800 We are kind of shoulder to shoulder. 51 00:03:55,800 --> 00:04:00,320 We are on the same ground. And it allows us to, I think, 52 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:05,640 kind of welcome how people are in their entirety. 53 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:10,080 That's one of those first elements is just acceptance of 54 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:16,000 their identity without, you know, applying a superiority or 55 00:04:16,000 --> 00:04:18,360 inferiority thing in the workplace. 56 00:04:18,360 --> 00:04:21,720 Sometimes it can be, I think, hard to do that because we are 57 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:24,680 working within formal structures of power. 58 00:04:25,040 --> 00:04:31,720 But in the dignity methodology, this is that first element, and 59 00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:33,800 it's a good one, I think, to start with. 60 00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:38,320 From there, the second element is inclusion, and it's the sense 61 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:43,520 of helping to feel like you belong, helping others to feel 62 00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,520 like they belong. Whether you know it's in your 63 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:50,280 family, your community, your organization, is there a sense 64 00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:55,160 of belonging? Third is safety, the sense of 65 00:04:55,160 --> 00:04:59,480 can you put people at ease? And we can think of this both in 66 00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:04,480 terms of the physical environment, is that arranged to 67 00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:08,280 create a sense of ease. And we can also think of it in 68 00:05:08,280 --> 00:05:12,560 terms of psychological safety, the sense that, you know, it's 69 00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:16,520 OK for people to have their own perspectives, their own ideas, 70 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:22,000 that they can share what they're thinking without the fear that 71 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:24,040 something bad will happen as a result. 72 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:28,360 The 4th element is acknowledgement, and I what I 73 00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:32,360 really like about this is she describes it as giving someone 74 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:38,120 your full attention and that is not always easy to do right. 75 00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:42,400 There are lots of distractions. You know, attention spans are 76 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:45,960 not necessarily so big. There's always the sense of 77 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:50,960 needing to rush ahead to the next thing, but the quality of 78 00:05:50,960 --> 00:05:55,160 one's attention in the present moment means that you're then 79 00:05:55,160 --> 00:06:00,480 able to acknowledge the person that you're in relationship 80 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:03,720 with, the person that you are communicating with, and there's 81 00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:08,800 a lot of value when you feel acknowledged. 82 00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:12,040 There's a lot of value that you can bring by acknowledging 83 00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:16,280 someone simply by the quality of your attention and being present 84 00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:19,280 with them. The fifth element is 85 00:06:19,280 --> 00:06:23,800 recognition, and she describes it as, you know, validating 86 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:28,480 others for their talents, their hard work, their thoughtfulness, 87 00:06:28,480 --> 00:06:32,080 the way that they help, and this idea of being generous with 88 00:06:32,080 --> 00:06:34,880 praise. And that's something that I 89 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:39,800 think is so important. We want to be generous of spirit 90 00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:45,000 in the way that we see and and name the things we appreciate 91 00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:48,960 about people. Everyone wants to feel seen, 92 00:06:49,160 --> 00:06:55,080 valued, appreciated, respected, and so intentionally choosing to 93 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,640 recognize someone in that positive light is part of that. 94 00:06:59,320 --> 00:07:03,560 The next element, I think it's an element 6, is fairness. 95 00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:08,400 Are you treating people justly in an even handed kind of way? 96 00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:13,920 People feel this kind of honor of their dignity when they feel 97 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:15,960 like they're being treated fairly. 98 00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:20,080 And if you've ever had this experience where you felt like 99 00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:23,880 that's not fair and being treated unfairly, it felt 100 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:29,320 probably not very good. And the sense of being injured. 101 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,880 And in this model, it's the idea that your dignity is injured 102 00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:38,120 when you're not receiving fair or just treatment. 103 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:41,680 The next element is benefit of the doubt. 104 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:45,200 I think of this as that generosity of spirit. 105 00:07:45,200 --> 00:07:48,440 Like if someone does something that I don't understand, I'm 106 00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:51,160 going to give them the benefit of the doubt 1st and get really 107 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:55,080 curious about it. And she describes it as treat 108 00:07:55,080 --> 00:07:58,880 people as trustworthy. So start with that premise. 109 00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:03,840 Start with the idea that other people have good motives, that 110 00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,720 they're acting with integrity, that it's coming from a good 111 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:10,080 place. Start from that place first. 112 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:14,360 The 8th element is understanding. 113 00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:18,960 And she describes this as, you know, believe that what others 114 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:22,640 think matters. I think about this as being 115 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:25,160 curious about other people's perspectives. 116 00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:29,600 And it's that same quality, that same sense of, you know, let 117 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:35,159 people explain and express their points of view and be curious to 118 00:08:35,159 --> 00:08:38,159 listen in order to understand them. 119 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:42,799 Can you have a sense of where they're coming from as a manager 120 00:08:42,799 --> 00:08:45,480 and a leader? This is also really helpful to 121 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:50,280 understand, you know, how are people thinking what's going on 122 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:54,800 on their side that had them make this choice or take this action 123 00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:58,600 or fail to take a certain action, But start from that 124 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:02,640 desire to understand their perspective, what they're 125 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,960 thinking and where they're coming from. 126 00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:11,320 The 9th element of dignity is independence. 127 00:09:11,960 --> 00:09:16,680 This idea of independence, to encourage people to act on their 128 00:09:16,680 --> 00:09:21,400 own behalf so that they feel in control of their lives and 129 00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:26,000 experience a sense of hope and possibility in the workplace. 130 00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:28,880 I often hear people say, oh, I really want, you know, this 131 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:32,920 person on my team to own it. I want them to own it and take 132 00:09:32,920 --> 00:09:36,440 the initiative, and I want to trust them to be able to run 133 00:09:36,520 --> 00:09:39,600 forward with it. I don't want them to always look 134 00:09:39,600 --> 00:09:41,800 to me to tell them exactly what to do. 135 00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:44,240 And that's something I was thinking about when I was 136 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:49,040 reading this element, this idea of independence and encouraging 137 00:09:49,040 --> 00:09:52,200 people to go ahead and act on their own behalf. 138 00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:57,440 I think when you're also in that role of a leader and realizing, 139 00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:03,880 oh, like you actually have a lot of choice in how you decide to 140 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:08,320 work with your team, how you decide to communicate and build 141 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:13,960 relationships with your manager, with others, that quality speaks 142 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:18,360 to like that sense of autonomy and that sense of agency, of 143 00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:21,400 being able to choose. So she describes it as 144 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:25,360 independence, which I think is a really lovely element to 145 00:10:25,360 --> 00:10:29,400 include. And then her 10th element in 146 00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:33,080 the, you know, essential elements of dignity is 147 00:10:33,080 --> 00:10:37,080 accountability. This idea of taking 148 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:42,040 responsibility for your actions. And if you have violated the 149 00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:46,760 dignity of another person, then apologize and make a commitment 150 00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:50,480 to change those hurtful behaviors. 151 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:54,360 And so I know I'm not doing this fully justice. 152 00:10:54,360 --> 00:10:57,760 I really would encourage you to take a look at this book. 153 00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:01,960 Again, it's called Dignity, The Essential Role It Plays in 154 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:04,800 Resolving Conflict. And I'll also put a link to it 155 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,800 in the show notes. But throughout this book, she 156 00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:13,160 describes in detail each of these 10 elements, and she 157 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:18,280 shares examples of what that has looked like in the course of her 158 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:21,240 work. And one of the things she gets 159 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:25,280 into in the third section, so the first section is all about, 160 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:30,800 you know, what are these 10 elements and how did she come to 161 00:11:31,240 --> 00:11:36,520 develop this model? And then in the second part of 162 00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:40,080 the book, she talks about like 10 things that can get in the 163 00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:45,680 way or 10 things that can, like, undermine this quality of 164 00:11:45,680 --> 00:11:50,000 dignity, you know, 1010 temptations or traps that kind 165 00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:53,760 of lead us astray. And then in the third section, 166 00:11:54,120 --> 00:12:00,920 she talks about how to use the power of dignity to rebuild a 167 00:12:00,920 --> 00:12:05,520 broken relationship and promote reconciliation. 168 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:09,080 And one of the things I really like about this is it it also 169 00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:13,240 acknowledges there will be plenty of times in the course of 170 00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:16,120 your life or, you know, in the course of your experience on the 171 00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:20,320 planet where there may be ruptures in a relationship. 172 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:24,440 You know, whether they are insignificant or deeply 173 00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:28,120 significant. And they can kind of sometimes 174 00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:31,400 feel the same. But the the role isn't 175 00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:36,600 necessarily to prevent conflict from ever happening. 176 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:41,160 You know, sometimes conflict is actually really useful, but to 177 00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:45,560 consider that if there is a rupture or if there is some kind 178 00:12:45,560 --> 00:12:49,360 of harm to the relationship or to this other person or to 179 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:55,720 yourself, then it also provides a perspective and some steps. 180 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:59,840 Or you can think of it as a tool or a framework for how to 181 00:12:59,920 --> 00:13:06,480 rebuild that relationship, how to promote reconciliation. 182 00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:12,760 How do we do that through this lens of dignity and extending 183 00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:16,440 dignity to, you know, this other person? 184 00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:20,640 One of the things I also really loved, and I have so many little 185 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:25,680 flags and notes in this book, is she talks about when we are 186 00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:30,000 seeking to repair a relationship through dignity, it doesn't have 187 00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:34,320 to include forgiveness, which I thought was so interesting. 188 00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:37,880 Like you don't necessarily need to ask the other person for 189 00:13:37,880 --> 00:13:40,800 forgiveness. They don't necessarily need to 190 00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:45,360 grant it to you. When we think from this place of 191 00:13:45,360 --> 00:13:47,240 dignity, it's a little bit different. 192 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:52,880 And most importantly, what can happen is that by honoring 193 00:13:53,080 --> 00:13:58,640 someone else's dignity, it also strengthens your own. 194 00:13:59,920 --> 00:14:03,640 And as I was reading that, I just felt this incredible kind 195 00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:07,800 of sense of ease and this sort of filling feeling, the sense 196 00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:11,480 of, oh, yeah, that that feels right. 197 00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:15,600 Like just reading those words, I thought, oh, that makes so much 198 00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:18,680 sense. Like in in My bones, that when 199 00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:23,920 you honor someone else's dignity, it can strengthen your 200 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:27,040 own. And so I wanted to share this 201 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:30,160 book with you because, you know, being a human and working with 202 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:34,560 humans can be hard. And sometimes there is conflict 203 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:39,200 on small scale or on big scale. And we, you know, sometimes have 204 00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:43,080 a lot of fear about wanting to avoid or prevent that conflict. 205 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:47,840 But we need to look beyond the question of how do we prevent 206 00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:49,480 it. And I think anything that 207 00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:54,720 provides more language and more tools and more frameworks for 208 00:14:54,720 --> 00:14:59,000 thinking about like, how do I describe this actual injury, 209 00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:03,400 this thing that feels so bad? Or if this relationship feels 210 00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:09,800 like it's not working, what can I point to to help me understand 211 00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:14,120 what might be going on here? Oh, it has there been a dignity 212 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:17,400 violation? Have I neglected to consider the 213 00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:21,120 dignity of the people or of myself? 214 00:15:21,560 --> 00:15:26,440 Like, is that what's feeling ignored or unacknowledged? 215 00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:31,360 Because if so, there are all these other things you can do to 216 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:35,800 try to repair the relationship, but we're missing this really 217 00:15:35,800 --> 00:15:39,840 important human quality. You know, when you pick up this 218 00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:43,920 book, and it's not a huge book, you know, it's, there's a lot 219 00:15:43,920 --> 00:15:46,080 that happens just within these few pages. 220 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:51,960 But before you even get to the table of contents, there's a, a 221 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:56,680 blank, a beautiful blank page with just a few words on it. 222 00:15:57,160 --> 00:16:03,400 And this prompt says, what does dignity feel like? 223 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:09,360 And so as you get into this book and sort of as you're listening 224 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:13,440 to this episode today, I actually wanted to leave you 225 00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:18,920 with that as we come towards the end of our time together today. 226 00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:23,320 But the very beginning of the book offers this question, what 227 00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:28,160 does dignity feel like? And I invite you to kind of 228 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:33,000 simmer on that question to notice for yourself, what does 229 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:36,880 it feel like when you feel that sense of dignity? 230 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:43,800 And if you feel curious to learn more than please go check out 231 00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:49,120 her book that you know, it's in the show notes because I think 232 00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:54,920 that you will find it useful and helpful so that you feel a bit 233 00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:58,360 more prepared for the relationships that you have. 234 00:16:58,400 --> 00:17:03,320 And honestly, not just at work, but in life, you know, like some 235 00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:06,240 of the things that can come up in the workplace actually are 236 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:09,160 very useful in other situations as well. 237 00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:14,119 And the reverse is also true. But being a bit more equipped 238 00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:19,560 and feeling a bit more at ease so that when you encounter 239 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:26,440 conflict, you have an idea of where to go in order to repair, 240 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:32,200 rebuild and find something beyond that conflict. 241 00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:37,160 So that is what I wanted to leave you with today, This book 242 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:42,200 and concept around dignity, the dignity methodology, and these 243 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:47,520 different elements that as you continue to think about them and 244 00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:51,080 let them inform some of your choices in the way that you are 245 00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:56,400 at work, will help you to have an even better experience with 246 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:59,840 the other humans in the workplace and in your life. 247 00:18:00,520 --> 00:18:03,480 So that is what I wanted to share with you today. 248 00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:06,400 I know I've been away a little bit. 249 00:18:06,560 --> 00:18:11,280 I've been teaching my course on communication strategies for 250 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:13,040 managers. And if that's something you're 251 00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:16,920 interested in, then join the wait list that's in the show 252 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:19,400 notes. And if you're interested in 253 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:24,200 personal, one-on-one, individualized coaching, then 254 00:18:24,200 --> 00:18:26,960 reach out and let's schedule time to talk about what that 255 00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:30,440 entails and what you want to get out of your coaching experience. 256 00:18:31,000 --> 00:18:34,080 And we can talk about how that works and what you can get out 257 00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,800 of it. Link below in the show notes 258 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:41,040 also, or just go to my website, kimnickel.com. 259 00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:43,880 All right, thank you so much for listening. 260 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:47,080 I hope you have a really great day and I will talk to you next 261 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:53,160 time. When you're more effective at 262 00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,080 work, you're happier in your life. 263 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:58,520 And when you're happier in your life, you're more effective at 264 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:00,240 work. I can help. 265 00:19:00,440 --> 00:19:04,800 Go to my website, Kim Nicholcom, and sign up for a coaching 266 00:19:04,800 --> 00:19:07,240 consult. It can get better.