Welcome to the New Manager podcast.
I'm your host, Kim Nichol. Hello and welcome.
I'm glad you're here, and I hope you're doing well.
Have you ever stumbled upon a book and you just saw it?
You felt drawn to it. You picked it up and as you
started to thumb through the pages, you had this feeling of,
Oh yes, it's time to read this book.
I had that experience recently and it was something that as I
was reading, I knew that I needed to create an episode and
share some of this book with you and share some of the ideas with
you. Because I know that one of the
hard things when you step into a leadership role is that you are
going to encounter more opportunities for conflict and
friction. And I know that this is
something I've heard a lot in the coaching work that I do and
in my course around communication strategies and
helping people think about, you know, how to communicate more
effectively with people who have different priorities or people
that are motivated by different things or people that just have
a different perspective and view about work and how to do it.
The, the fear or the discomfort around potential conflict is
something that I know can really show up a lot.
It can interfere with, you know, with everything from your sleep
to your confidence to your ability to really feel like
you're doing a good job. And so I found this book, and it
is called dignity, the essential role it plays in resolving
Conflict. And the author is Doctor Donna
Hicks. She is an associate at the
Weatherhead Center for International Affairs at Harvard
University, and she has had a a long career in the field of
international conflict resolution.
And so much of what she's learned and what she's written
about in her book is so useful when we think about the
workplace or honestly any, any situation where we are working
with other humans. And also, I think it's really
helpful to have this framework and language for considering
your own experience in the world and situations where you might
have felt what Donna describes as a dignity violation.
And I feel like her language and the way that she describes these
10 essential elements of dignity, when we think about it
in this light, it has a change. Like it changes the way that we
can look at conflict and what's beyond that, Like, how do we
reconcile? And so today I wanted to spend a
little bit of time talking with you about her book and about
this framework and these 10 essential elements of dignity.
The first one is acceptance of identity.
And she talks about approaching people as being neither
inferior, more superior to you. I like to think of it as this
idea of, you know, we are both humans.
We are kind of shoulder to shoulder.
We are on the same ground. And it allows us to, I think,
kind of welcome how people are in their entirety.
That's one of those first elements is just acceptance of
their identity without, you know, applying a superiority or
inferiority thing in the workplace.
Sometimes it can be, I think, hard to do that because we are
working within formal structures of power.
But in the dignity methodology, this is that first element, and
it's a good one, I think, to start with.
From there, the second element is inclusion, and it's the sense
of helping to feel like you belong, helping others to feel
like they belong. Whether you know it's in your
family, your community, your organization, is there a sense
of belonging? Third is safety, the sense of
can you put people at ease? And we can think of this both in
terms of the physical environment, is that arranged to
create a sense of ease. And we can also think of it in
terms of psychological safety, the sense that, you know, it's
OK for people to have their own perspectives, their own ideas,
that they can share what they're thinking without the fear that
something bad will happen as a result.
The 4th element is acknowledgement, and I what I
really like about this is she describes it as giving someone
your full attention and that is not always easy to do right.
There are lots of distractions. You know, attention spans are
not necessarily so big. There's always the sense of
needing to rush ahead to the next thing, but the quality of
one's attention in the present moment means that you're then
able to acknowledge the person that you're in relationship
with, the person that you are communicating with, and there's
a lot of value when you feel acknowledged.
There's a lot of value that you can bring by acknowledging
someone simply by the quality of your attention and being present
with them. The fifth element is
recognition, and she describes it as, you know, validating
others for their talents, their hard work, their thoughtfulness,
the way that they help, and this idea of being generous with
praise. And that's something that I
think is so important. We want to be generous of spirit
in the way that we see and and name the things we appreciate
about people. Everyone wants to feel seen,
valued, appreciated, respected, and so intentionally choosing to
recognize someone in that positive light is part of that.
The next element, I think it's an element 6, is fairness.
Are you treating people justly in an even handed kind of way?
People feel this kind of honor of their dignity when they feel
like they're being treated fairly.
And if you've ever had this experience where you felt like
that's not fair and being treated unfairly, it felt
probably not very good. And the sense of being injured.
And in this model, it's the idea that your dignity is injured
when you're not receiving fair or just treatment.
The next element is benefit of the doubt.
I think of this as that generosity of spirit.
Like if someone does something that I don't understand, I'm
going to give them the benefit of the doubt 1st and get really
curious about it. And she describes it as treat
people as trustworthy. So start with that premise.
Start with the idea that other people have good motives, that
they're acting with integrity, that it's coming from a good
place. Start from that place first.
The 8th element is understanding.
And she describes this as, you know, believe that what others
think matters. I think about this as being
curious about other people's perspectives.
And it's that same quality, that same sense of, you know, let
people explain and express their points of view and be curious to
listen in order to understand them.
Can you have a sense of where they're coming from as a manager
and a leader? This is also really helpful to
understand, you know, how are people thinking what's going on
on their side that had them make this choice or take this action
or fail to take a certain action, But start from that
desire to understand their perspective, what they're
thinking and where they're coming from.
The 9th element of dignity is independence.
This idea of independence, to encourage people to act on their
own behalf so that they feel in control of their lives and
experience a sense of hope and possibility in the workplace.
I often hear people say, oh, I really want, you know, this
person on my team to own it. I want them to own it and take
the initiative, and I want to trust them to be able to run
forward with it. I don't want them to always look
to me to tell them exactly what to do.
And that's something I was thinking about when I was
reading this element, this idea of independence and encouraging
people to go ahead and act on their own behalf.
I think when you're also in that role of a leader and realizing,
oh, like you actually have a lot of choice in how you decide to
work with your team, how you decide to communicate and build
relationships with your manager, with others, that quality speaks
to like that sense of autonomy and that sense of agency, of
being able to choose. So she describes it as
independence, which I think is a really lovely element to
include. And then her 10th element in
the, you know, essential elements of dignity is
accountability. This idea of taking
responsibility for your actions. And if you have violated the
dignity of another person, then apologize and make a commitment
to change those hurtful behaviors.
And so I know I'm not doing this fully justice.
I really would encourage you to take a look at this book.
Again, it's called Dignity, The Essential Role It Plays in
Resolving Conflict. And I'll also put a link to it
in the show notes. But throughout this book, she
describes in detail each of these 10 elements, and she
shares examples of what that has looked like in the course of her
work. And one of the things she gets
into in the third section, so the first section is all about,
you know, what are these 10 elements and how did she come to
develop this model? And then in the second part of
the book, she talks about like 10 things that can get in the
way or 10 things that can, like, undermine this quality of
dignity, you know, 1010 temptations or traps that kind
of lead us astray. And then in the third section,
she talks about how to use the power of dignity to rebuild a
broken relationship and promote reconciliation.
And one of the things I really like about this is it it also
acknowledges there will be plenty of times in the course of
your life or, you know, in the course of your experience on the
planet where there may be ruptures in a relationship.
You know, whether they are insignificant or deeply
significant. And they can kind of sometimes
feel the same. But the the role isn't
necessarily to prevent conflict from ever happening.
You know, sometimes conflict is actually really useful, but to
consider that if there is a rupture or if there is some kind
of harm to the relationship or to this other person or to
yourself, then it also provides a perspective and some steps.
Or you can think of it as a tool or a framework for how to
rebuild that relationship, how to promote reconciliation.
How do we do that through this lens of dignity and extending
dignity to, you know, this other person?
One of the things I also really loved, and I have so many little
flags and notes in this book, is she talks about when we are
seeking to repair a relationship through dignity, it doesn't have
to include forgiveness, which I thought was so interesting.
Like you don't necessarily need to ask the other person for
forgiveness. They don't necessarily need to
grant it to you. When we think from this place of
dignity, it's a little bit different.
And most importantly, what can happen is that by honoring
someone else's dignity, it also strengthens your own.
And as I was reading that, I just felt this incredible kind
of sense of ease and this sort of filling feeling, the sense
of, oh, yeah, that that feels right.
Like just reading those words, I thought, oh, that makes so much
sense. Like in in My bones, that when
you honor someone else's dignity, it can strengthen your
own. And so I wanted to share this
book with you because, you know, being a human and working with
humans can be hard. And sometimes there is conflict
on small scale or on big scale. And we, you know, sometimes have
a lot of fear about wanting to avoid or prevent that conflict.
But we need to look beyond the question of how do we prevent
it. And I think anything that
provides more language and more tools and more frameworks for
thinking about like, how do I describe this actual injury,
this thing that feels so bad? Or if this relationship feels
like it's not working, what can I point to to help me understand
what might be going on here? Oh, it has there been a dignity
violation? Have I neglected to consider the
dignity of the people or of myself?
Like, is that what's feeling ignored or unacknowledged?
Because if so, there are all these other things you can do to
try to repair the relationship, but we're missing this really
important human quality. You know, when you pick up this
book, and it's not a huge book, you know, it's, there's a lot
that happens just within these few pages.
But before you even get to the table of contents, there's a, a
blank, a beautiful blank page with just a few words on it.
And this prompt says, what does dignity feel like?
And so as you get into this book and sort of as you're listening
to this episode today, I actually wanted to leave you
with that as we come towards the end of our time together today.
But the very beginning of the book offers this question, what
does dignity feel like? And I invite you to kind of
simmer on that question to notice for yourself, what does
it feel like when you feel that sense of dignity?
And if you feel curious to learn more than please go check out
her book that you know, it's in the show notes because I think
that you will find it useful and helpful so that you feel a bit
more prepared for the relationships that you have.
And honestly, not just at work, but in life, you know, like some
of the things that can come up in the workplace actually are
very useful in other situations as well.
And the reverse is also true. But being a bit more equipped
and feeling a bit more at ease so that when you encounter
conflict, you have an idea of where to go in order to repair,
rebuild and find something beyond that conflict.
So that is what I wanted to leave you with today, This book
and concept around dignity, the dignity methodology, and these
different elements that as you continue to think about them and
let them inform some of your choices in the way that you are
at work, will help you to have an even better experience with
the other humans in the workplace and in your life.
So that is what I wanted to share with you today.
I know I've been away a little bit.
I've been teaching my course on communication strategies for
managers. And if that's something you're
interested in, then join the wait list that's in the show
notes. And if you're interested in
personal, one-on-one, individualized coaching, then
reach out and let's schedule time to talk about what that
entails and what you want to get out of your coaching experience.
And we can talk about how that works and what you can get out
of it. Link below in the show notes
also, or just go to my website, kimnickel.com.
All right, thank you so much for listening.
I hope you have a really great day and I will talk to you next
time. When you're more effective at
work, you're happier in your life.
And when you're happier in your life, you're more effective at
work. I can help.
Go to my website, Kim Nicholcom, and sign up for a coaching
consult. It can get better.