Welcome to the new manager podcast.
I'm your host, Kim nickel. Hello and welcome.
I'm glad you're here and I hope you're doing well today.
I want to start with a celebration and a shout out to
my client Meghan. She attended a workshop that I
gave last week I did a teaching on self-advocacy and how to
speak up for yourself at work. And during that Workshop, I was
specifically teaching About how to ask your work to sponsor you
or to pay for you to do professional development and at
the end of the week, we had our session and she said, you know,
I was in your workshop and I took the, you know, some of the
ideas that you shared and I went to my manager and I told my
manager hey I had signed up for this class.
Here's how it relates to work. What do you think?
You know, Can you can I get reimbursed for this?
And she said, her manager sent her a very enthusiastic email
saying, yes. And this made me so happy
because I think, you know, a lot of times we assume that there's
just no money for professional development.
If it's not already in the plan, we assume it's just not
available or we hold back and don't ask because we think it
might make us look bad. Like, we're not being grateful
for what we have. Have or maybe we're somehow not
as good at something as we should be.
And that's why we're learning rather than thinking of it, from
the perspective of you are taking initiative, you are
actively engaged in your own growth and career development.
And this benefits, your organization and it benefits,
your manager that you are actually doing this that you've
taken this on and what I love about my My clients story to was
that she had already committed to taking this class.
It's something that she wanted to do for herself.
So she signed up for it, she paid for it out of pocket.
And then she went back to her manager and asked, you know,
what do you think about reimbursing me for this at her
manager was a warm? Yes.
And so sometimes we think, oh, you know, I've already paid for
this, you know, for this class or this Workshop or I've already
paid for coaching so it's probably too late and The truth
is it's not because you don't know until you ask your manager
might be delighted to say yes to your request but first you have
to ask and what's really neat to is.
There are so many moments to practice this skill of speaking
up professional development and asking for your company to
sponsor, your learning and growth is just one place.
But I also have coached my clients on how to use this same
framework to ask for other things like to ask for meetings
to be changed or to ask. Oh, you know, do I need to
attend this weekly meeting. I'm not sure that it's the best
use of our time right now. Maybe, I don't need to do that,
or to ask about, can we restructure the way that we're
working together in this way? And here's why and You know, we
sometimes assume that the people who are managing us have all the
answers and they thought really deeply about everything but it's
not true and the reason you know that is because you too are a
human and there are people that you work with and if you are a
manager then you probably have people that are looking to you
and they're thinking, oh, you must have everything all figured
out you must know exactly what you're doing.
You've got you've really thought this through And we know that's
not always true. And I know from myself to you,
when I was a manager, I had so many people on my team.
I didn't really have time to think deeply about each,
person's professional development plan and so it
really helped me out if someone came to me and said, hey Kim,
here's something that I want to do.
Is it in the budget or can it be reimbursed?
Or what do you think about that? It actually was a conversation
that I welcomed. Because it meant then that they
were taking responsibility for that part of their own career.
And then we could have a very, just like a better conversation
about it, rather than feeling like I had to do the heavy lift
there. So I just want to celebrate my
client Meghan and I want to share a little bit of that story
with you in the hopes that it will give you perhaps a little
idea about something you might want to ask.
Ask for to speak up for yourself for and I keep thinking about
how I want to share the teachings from the workshop with
you. It might be in an episode, it
might be in a video. I'm still putting that all
together but it is one of the things I love to teach and
support my clients with because there are so many practical
applications and it really just makes my heart feel so happy
when I see my And it's growing in their ability to raise their
hand and say, hey, here's something.
I want to ask for and then see what comes from that.
So that's where we're starting today and then, because we're
moving into the end of the year. We're now in Q4 of the year,
it's now October, I wanted to offer you.
A perspective that I think is very interesting.
It came up in a coaching conversation.
And that I was having recently, and actually, it's kind of been
a couple of spots with some of my clients and the big theme is
the question of what will people think.
And if you are a perfectionist, you probably think that a lot,
because you're wanting to hold yourself to a perfect standard,
very self judgy, and because we judge ourselves, we often
believe or expect other people to judge us too.
And so there's You know, the question of what will people
think. But also, if you're a person who
is very high empathy and has a tendency to people, please,
meaning you really are scanning for the emotional state of the
people around you and you really want the emotions of the others
to be content and peaceful and happy.
And if they're not, then that feels very uncomfortable and it
feels like a problem that needs to be solved.
So that shows up with Empathy, it all shows up with any
patterns around people-pleasing. So, we often think, like, what
will people think about me? Well, they think something bad.
Well, they misunderstand me, by the way, being misunderstood is
one of the most painful feelings.
So, you know, I offer a lot of appreciation if that's something
that is familiar to you, but we want to pay attention when we're
thinking, like, what will people think about me?
Because number one we never actually know because we're not
inside their minds number two. We often think of the worst case
scenario and when we're trying to make decisions about how we
are at work and how we communicate with others and
we're making that based on our vision of the worst case
scenario it gets in the way of our ability to communicate
clearly and effectively. And that's where we start to be
indirect. We To approach things sideways.
Or we we even hold back and we don't say something clearly
because we are hoping that the other person will read between
the lines that they will read our minds that we hope that they
will understand it without us having to say it because we're
afraid that if I say it directly, they'll think
something bad about me. Like, they'll think I'm mean, or
they'll think that I'm not Standing or they'll, you know,
what will they think about me? One of the other things, some of
my clients will say to is they'll say, oh I don't want
people to think I'm just a Workhorse.
I don't want them to see me as oh, there's such a hard worker.
They want to be recognized for having great ideas for really
adding value through the way that they support other people
write not just like, oh, such a hard worker, but really being
recognized for all of the qualities, all of the
perspectives, Active and insight that they add that adds value to
the team and to the success of the team.
So because we're kind of coming to the end of the year and that
for a lot of us means some kind of performance review cycle
either. This might be your mid year
cycle or this might be your end of your performance review.
A question I wanted to offer you when especially when you get
stuck in that Loop of what will people think about me?
Because that can Come very exhausting and amplify all of
our anxiety and insecurity but instead it's like imagine that's
a question and you're just going to set that question down on the
table and then turn like 90 degrees and you're going to pick
up a different question and this is the question that asks, what
do you want people to think of you?
So you can imagine if you are doing a 360 and if you haven't
I'm done a 360 review, basically, it means that you get
feedback from 360 Degrees from people that work with you all
around. So people that work above, you
people that are cross-functional like lateral peers people that
report up to you. It is trying to get a, you know,
a bigger picture of what do your colleagues and co-workers have
to say about their Periods of working with you in the best of
circumstances. It's really a valuable tool for
seeing your blind spots. And that includes the strengths.
You have that, maybe you don't fully appreciate and recognize
on the other end of the spectrum. 360, is can really
fuel insecurity and pettiness. Especially, you know, if you
have a team of three people, for example, and you do a 360 and
you Get the feedback from your team, you're going to be
thinking, oh, who's the person that said, this, you know, piece
of feedback that was unkind or inaccurate or that they're
unhappy with me, like we wonder like who said that about me and
did you know what is that about? And so the anonymity of the 360
can sometimes create some unrest and even be a little bit
disruptive to trust. So we just want to be mindful of
that. But as a, as a reflection, Shin
exercise. I love this idea because if you
pause for a moment and you think what do you want people to think
of you, if you are doing a 360 at work, what is your hope?
What is your desire? That people will see?
And say about you? And here are some things that
some of my clients have said, when we explore this question,
they've said, I want people to think I'm really good at what I
do. I want them to see me as smart,
someone who really knows her stuff.
I've is interesting. I've had multiple clients, use
this specific phrase. They've said I want to be seen
as a velvet hammer. Like they want to be seen as
being, you know. Warm and kind, but also really
firm and someone who stands there, ground, someone who is
respected and is it a pushover? I've had someone say all I want
to be seen as someone who's really tough, but fair, I want
to be seen as somebody trustworthy and reliable.
I want to be seen as someone who is generous and kind and who
holds the team to a high standard.
I want to be seen as someone who really cares and kind of goes
the extra mile to really support our people.
Like it can be any combination of those or anything but when
you take time and you think about how do I want to be
perceived like what is it that I am hoping people see and
appreciate and value and recognize about me that gives us
some really great information about what Matters to you and
then that gets us oriented in the direction of.
Okay, so if if that is to become true then let's start making
decisions that align with that desired outcome and that desired
goal, rather than kind of playing it safe and small and
trying to reduce the perceived negative things.
Instead we're looking at, what are the qualities?
And the characteristics about you that we want to amplify and
really bring to the Forefront like how do we do that?
So if you're going to be a velvet hammer, then what will be
required of you? How will you live into that?
And so it's a really fun exercise, to reflect upon and to
kind of think about how will I need to change.
What will I need to start doing? What will I need to stop doing?
What will I need to learn to do with greater consistency or
visibility? Or you know, what would a person
who is like that, like, how would they show up and
communicate? And contribute to the
conversations. Like, we really start to
understand more about what is your growth path look, like.
And it's wonderful when we think about this too, because if we
remember, you know, everyone that you work with and actually
even more broadly, everyone that, you know, Mostly, they're
not thinking about you mostly, they're thinking about
themselves. Because let's face it, we're all
kind of obsessed with ourselves, and this is not a bad thing,
necessarily it really is just, you know, there's so much going
on and everyone is trying to do a good job and everyone is a
little bit worried about what people, what will people think.
And so when we remember, you know, other people are forgetful
They are distracted. They are kind of obsessed with
what's happening in their own life and then you remember for
yourself, oh right. It might not be obvious to them.
If I haven't made it visible that I really know my stuff or
it might not be obvious that just because I'm kind that
doesn't mean I'm also. How do I say this?
Just because I'm kind it doesn't mean that I'm a pushover.
I can still have Have really clear boundaries and I can
assert them from a place of confidence and feeling
connected. And, you know, not not going
into battle but actually just being really clear and direct
about like this is what's happening now or this is my
boundary. Like let's establish that and
let's move on it, really begins to change the way that we think.
And this makes us both more strategic, more intentional and
it shifts us out of the house. It's that we've been before we
were managers and sometimes just that awareness that mindset of,
oh, this is how I want to be perceived.
So this is how I will show up. Can be the smallest change and
create such a big difference because the other benefit to
that, is that, you know, that you are showing up as that
version of of yourself, not the version of yourself.
That is really uncertain and hesitant and you know, like bed
is defaulting into the people-pleasing or the
perfectionism. Like, if you get caught in that
pattern pausing to look at yourself through this lens of
How do I want to be seen? What do I want people to know
about me? And there's a distinction to
that. I want to make.
This isn't about fake, it til you make it.
And this isn't about putting on a mask.
This is about your growth and how you see yourself, first and
foremost, and as we stabilize that and starts to feel more
comfortable, more familiar to you, you begin to live it, in a
bigger and more clear. Way.
So it's a really fun thing to consider, especially as we're
approaching Q4 and of year and you might be receiving feedback
and you might be thinking about. Gosh I wonder how you know,
people have perceived me and my work and what is it that's
coming across. So I would like to recommend to
you to take some time. Do a little reflection perhaps
do a little journaling especially if you're thinking
about what is coming. Coming up next for you in the
coming year and what are the skills that you want to develop
and how do you want to continue to grow as a person?
So that is what I wanted to share with you today.
If this resonates with you and you want to do this work and
implement it in a more study supported systemic way, then
that is what we can do in coaching.
I work with my clients. For six months and we meet every
week so that it's not just understanding the concept,
right? Like you're intelligent and
you're listening and you're like getting this already so we go
beyond understanding the concept to now.
What does it look like for you specifically and in your life
and in your workplace, specifically, what does that
look like to implement and put these These Concepts into
practice the habits that we've developed.
They have helped us get here, but the skills and the new ways
of thinking and communicating and engaging all of that, as
we're developing New Paths, we often benefit from steady
support so that we can continue to implement Grow and let that
change become sustainable. So that's the part that I love.
I love helping my clients to take the concept and really make
it their own and begin to implement it.
Without any of the shoulds, this should sound like, oh, I know I
should speak up, or oh, I know I should say something or all.
I know I should do this, but, you know, we don't need, that
doesn't actually help. So, we're going to get out of
the sheds and we're going to get into Presents curiosity and
kindness to help support you in implementing the concepts to
your specific life work and situation.
You can go into the show notes, you will find a link to my
calendar where you can schedule a consultation and we will talk
about all of this. So thank you so much for
listening and I will see you next time.
Hey, Before you go, if you like this podcast, leave a review.
Tell me why you listen and what has helped you?
Thanks so much. I'll see you next time.