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So in this episode, I'm going to
be talking about some very 

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personal stuff. 
So April is a very tough month 

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for me. 
It's the it's the month where my

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wife passed away and she passed 
away in 2020, right at the peak 

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of the pandemic, right when it 
was starting to really kick off.

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It was, for one, you're going 
through a massive society change

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of the pandemic, which in itself
was very mind blowing and 

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perplexing, especially in 
hindsight. 

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And then you have one of the 
worst crisis of your life. 

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You know, it ended up me having 
to take her off life support and

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watching her heart flatline. 
We have two kids and they were 

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very young when it happened. 
This was a massive impact on me.

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April is a month where I find 
I'm very introspective I'm I'm, 

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I'm quieter, I reflect a lot. 
This platform that I built up 

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first starting off as Vancouver 
true crime and now the dark mind

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detective was heavily impacted 
by this massive life event in my

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life and it really affected my 
behavior. 

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Of course, this is me sharing my
thoughts my and things that I 

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did that, you know, I don't 
regret doing anything. 

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Everything's a learning 
experience, but it definitely 

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had a massive impact on the 
platform and with people. 

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So first of all, before I go 
further, after this podcast, I 

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went back to my regular 
programming, back to serial 

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killers, social engineering, 
Robert Pickton, and all of the 

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stuff that I have been 
researching, dark psychology, 

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manipulation, and I'll be back 
to it. 

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I've done so much writing, I've 
so much in the pipeline and I 

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have so many shows, so many 
podcasts that are coming and 

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also done tons of Epstein 
research as well. 

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So, yeah, I all last year for 
2024, all I did was write, write

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and write. 
I didn't do a lot of podcasts, 

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but I, I, I wrote a lot of 
stuff, spent a year writing. 

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So back to this. 
I think the biggest thing that I

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grapple with and that affects me
the most is the weight of guilt.

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I want to break free of it 
because I feel like guilt is 

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like what's holding me. 
Guilt is like a silent thief 

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that creeps in the corners of 
your mind, stealing your joy 

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without warning. 
It robs you of energy, erodes 

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your confidence, and it creates 
an invisible barrier between you

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and forward progress, especially
when the guilt was really never 

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mind to carry in the 1st place. 
I feel guilty for surviving. 

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There's a survival guilt that 
has had a big impact on me. 

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And I think a lot of people who 
experienced loss like I have 

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feel this way. 
I think this is quite common. 

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I've heard survivors of 
disasters when a lot of people 

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died around them, but they 
survived, feel a sense again. 

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And then struggling as a as a 
parent, despite pouring 

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everything I have into raising 
my children. 

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When my wife passed away, there 
was people around me that were 

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very toxic. 
And then there's also wanting 

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more out of life journal people.
Oh, you should just be grateful 

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what you have. 
So this is for you. 

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Because guilt is not merely an 
emotion that comes and goes. 

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It's a carefully constructed 
trap. 

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Today we're going to dismantle 
it piece by piece for people who

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feel stuck in guilt. 
Most guilt doesn't really stem 

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from genuine wrongdoing. 
It's rooted in what was done to 

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you or circumstances that are 
beyond your control, like 

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survival guilt that whispers why
am I here when they are not 

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after a loss or trauma. 
The parent guilt. 

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Yeah. 
Being a parent too. 

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There's a lot of stuff like, for
example, my kids school, they 

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both have great teachers, but 
you know, interacting with the 

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school, they have a very good 
way of quietly always thinking 

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you feel inadequate. 
Maybe it's just just, I don't 

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know. 
They just always have a way, the

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way they talk to you. 
And I don't know, it's hard to 

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explain, but I think most 
parents would understand what 

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I'm talking about. 
Like, I don't enjoy interacting 

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with my kids school. 
Like I actually go out of my way

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to avoid it because it's like, 
yeah, there's always like, and 

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then there's like these very 
hands on Karen type of parents 

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that are all on the committees 
and they are, there's this big 

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clique and when you come and 
drop your kid off, they all 

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ignore you. 
And you're not in, you're not in

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the the cool parent club or 
something. 

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I don't know, just it could just
be in my head. 

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But it's a strange, strange 
feeling. 

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But again, it's probably rooted 
in my guilt. 

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And then there's a guilt of 
chasing success. 

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Like I put like 10s of thousands
of hours in a platform and then 

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you, then you, you feel guilty 
about it. 

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Like, Gee, God, like if I was, 
if, if I put the same energy 

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learning how to build decks with
my marketing skills and stuff 

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like that, I'd probably be a 
millionaire, honestly, right. 

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So then you're feeling this 
weird sense of guilt, like, am I

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putting my energy into the right
thing? 

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Is this the best use of my 
energy? 

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So there's, there's that, 
there's that. 

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That definitely fucks with your 
head each and every day you get 

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up, right? 
Like I have a big business back 

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background. 
I'm good at marketing, I'm good 

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at computers. 
I've got IT background. 

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I've done corporate sales. 
So is true crime is is writing 

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about complex tragic cases the 
best use of my time when it 

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comes to monetary reward for my 
family? 

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You know, when I was worked in 
the corporate world, you know, I

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made good money my me not doing 
that. 

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Should I feel guilty? 
That makes sense, right? 

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Am I doing the best for my 
family? 

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So there's the that will rack 
you with guilt, but then there's

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the liberating truth that people
need guilt isn't yours to carry 

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been methodically handed to me 
unpressed guilt by people who 

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benefit from yourself doubt and 
systems that profit when you 

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question your own worth. 
And I guess what I mean by that 

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is that when my wife passed 
away, there was a lot of the 

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family on her side. 
You know, the, it's almost like 

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they wanted me to fail this. 
So they, oh, it's like this 

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weird passive aggress. 
And they've never been 

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supportive of the podcast. 
They've never been supportive of

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my work. 
And, and they almost look at it 

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with the stain. 
Why is he doing that? 

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So you sense it, you feel it, 
right? 

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Like even when it sometimes when
I talk to the some of the 

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parents, when I go pick up my 
kids, I don't tell them what I 

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do. 
No, I I just say, Oh, I do it. 

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That's right. 
I just say I do iti told one dad

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and then he gave me like this 20
minute long lecture about how he

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doesn't believe in associating 
himself with bad stuff because 

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it's this bad mojo or bad karma 
and essentially trying to make 

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me feel like shit. 
Right. 

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Thanks again. 
It's a weird sense of guilt 

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tripping. 
It's sort of saying that you're 

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benefiting off somebody's 
misfortune is in a roundabout 

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way, passive aggressive and 
slimy and undermining rights. 

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Think I have conversations with 
that dude anymore? 

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Of course not. 
But why do toxic people need you

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to feel guilty? 
Guilt is a primary currency of 

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manipulation, right? 
So like I said in this podcast, 

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and this is for me too, because 
I'm, I have to shed the, I do 

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the things that I talk about. 
I don't just talk about them and

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don't do them myself. 
So this is my process right now 

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of trying to unburden this guilt
feeling that has been massively 

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holding me back. 
And I believe it's been holding 

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the platform back as well. 
So guilt is a primary currency 

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of manipulation. 
It's how those without authentic

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power maintain control over 
naturally strong people. 

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I think I'm highly resilient. 
I think I've proven that. 

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But because I'm very 
sympathetic, I'm also a person 

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has a lot of compassion. 
I do have a natural tendency to 

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feel guilty. 
And that's probably my weak 

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point. 
That's probably my kryptonite. 

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So like, again, a family member 
who constantly criticizes my 

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parenting decision but never 
wants to offer practical help or

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support. 
So that's the thing too, when 

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you're a parent, I'm not trying 
to make you feel sorry for me or

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anything. 
I'm a tough person. 

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I handle my problems. 
But I, I believe that a lot of 

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people feel this way. 
And This is why I'm sharing 

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this. 
So you just been through a 

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trauma, right? 
Your, your loved one passed 

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away. 
You're, you're rocked with guilt

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or rocked with a whole bunch of 
emotions. 

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And then you're around a lot of 
people, which I have that watch.

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Don't offer to help, don't 
offer, take my kids to the park,

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don't offer anything to give me 
a little bit of a break, right? 

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I had to pay out of that trauma.
I had to pay people large 

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amounts of money to watch more 
money that would make you sick 

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if if I even told you how much I
was paying people to watch my 

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kids. 
Even other people. 

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If I wanted to go to the store, 
I say, hey, I'll be 15 minutes. 

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These are like family members. 
Can you watch my kids for 10 

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minutes? 
I go to the store. 

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I'd have to give them 20 bucks 
and buy them something from the 

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fucking store, right? 
Never once. 

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Oh, no, no, Mark, that's cool. 
That's cool. 

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Nope, Nope. 
Take, take, take. 

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So there's that. 
So there's the watchers that 

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don't offer any help, but they 
criticize and they analyze 

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everything you do, right. 
And they and they want you to 

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fail, but they don't offer to 
help the so-called friend who 

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subtly mocks your ambition, but 
secretly presents your courage 

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to pursue what they've never 
dared to. 

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So I get that a lot too, but in 
very subtle ways. 

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Oh, I can never talk about, you 
know, your own, like they'll say

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it in a way, but what they're 
saying is, is again, just like 

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that Dad, right? 
You're part of the problem. 

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Something bad happened to 
someone and then you're sharing 

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it. 
So you're putting bad stuff out 

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in the world, right? 
I could never do that, right? 

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But then you go look at the 
stuff they're into. 

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It's just mindless and numb 
officials. 

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So how to shed guilt like a dead
skin? 

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Whose voice is this test? 
The next time guilt floods your 

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system, pause. 
Ask yourself, who originally 

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taught me to feel this way about
myself? 

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If the answer is honest, a 
chronic critic who achieved 

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nothing they're proud of a 
persistent voice from your past 

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who no longer deserve the space 
in your present society. 

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Arbitrary and often 
contradictory expectations. 

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So just like a computer file, 
delete the file. 

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Like if it's like a some 
corrupted shitty file on your 

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computer, corrupted file that 
corrupts your thinking and 

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corrupts your progress in your 
mind, delete it. 

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This is also called the 
permission slip exercise. 

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Write down affirmations, some 
more visible, and recite them 

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daily until they become your 
default operating system. 

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I'm allowed to experience joy 
and fulfilment even after a 

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profound loss. 
I'm allowed to prioritize my 

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children's well-being over 
everyone's else's opinion about 

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my parenting. 
I'm allowed to pursue success 

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while others choose to remain 
stuck in familiar patterns. 

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And I truly believe, you know, 
on the darkest moments when 

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someone feels very burdened, you
know guilt could be the thing 

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that pushes them over their 
edge, right? 

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Maybe be something you did in 
the past. 

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Or maybe you're something that 
you are doing, that you need to 

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stop doing, and it's the guilt 
that eats away at you like acid.

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But your painful experience can 
transform into a powerful 

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purpose. 
Your survival story might become

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someone else's lifeline 
precisely when they need it the 

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most. 
The right people who desperately

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need your perspective will find 
resonance in your story and 

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those who react with judgement. 
They simply identify themselves 

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as people who benefit by by your
continued guilt. 

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Let them self select out of your
inner circle. 

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Drop the guilt, Keep the fight. 
You're placed on this earth to 

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carry psychological burdens that
you are never yours to shoulder.

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Guilt is a leash keeping you 
tethered to the past. 

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Have the courage to chew through
it. 

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Our world desperately needs 
fewer people crushed beneath the

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weight of inherent shame, and 
more people like me still 

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standing despite everything, 
still fighting when surrendering

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would be easier and completely 
done. 

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Or apologizing for resilience. 
If you know someone drowning 

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with undeserved guilt. 
A lot of times, and I'm going to

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be truly honest, when I suffered
from depression in the past, at 

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the root of it was guilt. 
If you know someone drowning in 

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undeserved guilt, reach out to 
them. 

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They say a kind word. 
It might mean the difference in 

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the world. 
Well, one of the other things I 

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want to talk about too is that, 
you know, I've been carrying in 

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an immense weight since the 
passing of my grinding building 

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a platform. 
First, Vancouver, true crime, 

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being a single parent to two 
autistic kids and one of the 

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most expensive cities in the 
world. 

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And then on top of that, dealing
with people who are not really 

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supportive, don't get what I'm 
doing, have very transactional 

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attitudes. 
The emotional toll and the 

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feeling that that's unseen in my
work has a burden. 

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I I target some of the darkest 
cases last year while 

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researching Robert Pickton, the 
some of the worst case study in 

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human history. 
It doesn't get any worse than 

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Robert Pickton and his crimes. 
They are beyond despicable and 

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really getting into the weeds, 
the forensic details, the, you 

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know, piercing the metaphorical 
jigsaw puzzle together and 

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really understanding the scopes 
and the depravity of these 

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horrible crimes. 
And then watching our society 

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turn into a dumpster fire. 
You know, worst political 

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leaders across the board in 
every category, ineffective at 

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preventing scandals after 
scandals after scandals, A media

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that's completely asleep. 
So combining those two things 

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that then facing life pressures,
building a platform and then 

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dealing with Karen's and rude 
people online, there's a lot of 

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times where I'm saying, you 
know, fuck it, it's not fucking 

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worth it. 
It's not fucking worth it. 

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Getting into weird arguments 
with people why it's great that 

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Canada's blocking news in 
Canada, You know what I mean? 

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Like you can't reach these 
people. 

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They're, they're, they're, 
they're like a cult inductee. 

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But I'm tougher than them. 
Like these people who who've 

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been some of my worst pains in 
my asses, You know, they would 

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fold under like the even 
pressure that was like 1% what 

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I'm under. 
And maybe that's why, you know, 

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they, they burden you and bother
you because they feel that you 

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can take it, which I still don't
appreciate, right? 

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But I'm going to keep fighting. 
I'm going to keep moving 

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forward. 
And I'm more invigorated, more 

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focused and more resilient. 
And I truly mean this. 

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And I'm not saying this to brag 
or boast where most people give 

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up, where most people tap out 
and cry and oh, this is, this is

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enough. 
It's really where I just begin 

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that this is where I just get my
second wind and push forward. 

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So and like I said, I don't 
expect most people to understand

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my work and why I've dedicated 
so much time, energy and effort 

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because I, I believe it's 
important. 

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I believe it's important to be a
voice for the voiceless. 

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And then the other aspect of it 
too, I want to build something I

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can hand over to my kids if they
want to join and continue my 

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work. 
I want something like I'm 

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building this for them, for 
their future, for their safety, 

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you know, as a way to kind of 
firewall their ability to be 

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safe in this crazy complex world
that is very difficult to 

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understand. 
Like I said, I keep that in mind

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every hour. 
O on the other positive thing 

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too, is one of the main reasons 
is I want to start sharing 

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throughout my podcasts, like in 
my pipeline is lessons from the 

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48 laws of power. 
I also did a Lesson plan from 

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the 33 strategies of war because
these were books that I used a 

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lot, especially when I was in 
the corporate world dealing with

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very tough people, people that 
are good at getting what they 

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want through manipulation, 
through strength, through 

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coercion, through force, right? 
I've dealt with people like 

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that. 
So you need a shield, you need 

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a, you need a way to battle 
people like that. 

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And you have to do it in a way 
where you're not frazzled 

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because soon as they sense that 
you are frazzled, then they know

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they're getting under your skin.
And like I said, there's some 

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good fucking wolves out there. 
There really are. 

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I met some really smooth 
operators and I met some people 

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that are good at at pressure and
good at trading. 

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The best way to say they're good
at they have an ability to get 

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00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:53,160
what they want. 
They're good at the politics or 

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00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:56,600
good at the office politics. 
They've been around the block 

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and they have a deep tool bags 
of tricks and they can smell 

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weakness from a mile away. 
Well, when I was doing social 

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media and building the platform 
and advocating, I didn't think I

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would have to use these things 
and I stopped using it and, and 

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I didn't, and I didn't want to 
come across like a person who 

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was ready to use fucking brass 
knuckles metaphorically on 

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people. 
And God damn did I pay the price

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for it. 
I truly did. 

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Because if I adhered to the 
principles that I've already 

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knew and the tools that I I 
already had and used 

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00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:37,400
successfully while navigating 
this, the the treacherous nature

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00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:41,760
of building a platform, a 
podcast, and interacting with 

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thousands of people, the people 
that like my podcast are cool. 

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Honestly, I've never had a 
person that was a fan of the 

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00:19:49,000 --> 00:19:53,000
podcast that gave me any fucking
grief at all, Right? 

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So there's that. 
But the people who consume the 

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social media that I do, and I'm 
doing less and less and less 

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short form content that doesn't 
pertain to my work or social 

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00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,840
media. 
Because that was the door that 

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brought in the shitty people. 
The people that just take 

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something that you posted, 
something you shared a news 

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00:20:15,360 --> 00:20:19,400
story and they use that as the 
excuse. 

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It would be a pain in your ass. 
Why are you platforming this 

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00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:25,600
person? 
Because it's a person that's 

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unpopular and they don't like. 
So therefore, if you share a 

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00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:35,040
news segment about a person, 
therefore in their mind you're 

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00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:38,920
bad because you're sharing news,
that's that offends them. 

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So I don't share news anymore 
because the other thing was, is 

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that I have to sharpen my 
skills, including being as sharp

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as possible. 
I do a lot of writing, I do a 

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00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,960
lot of editing and I do a lot of
speaking. 

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When I'm tired, those things 
diminish. 

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And when I consume a lot of 
short form content like TikTok, 

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it actually does a noticeably 
erode my short attention span. 

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00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:11,000
And I noticed that, you know, 
you're, you spend hours on 

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00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:14,160
TikTok to be of service to my 
audience. 

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00:21:14,520 --> 00:21:19,600
So I have to go through what, 
like 50-60 rage bait garbage, 

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00:21:19,880 --> 00:21:27,120
you know, lip syncing lazy 
content to find, oh breaking 

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00:21:27,120 --> 00:21:28,960
news. 
Oh, this is interesting. 

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00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:31,360
Oh that's cool, I'll share those
three things. 

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So be being on TikTok for hours 
a day eroded my ability to be 

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00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:41,760
better at speaking, editing and 
writing Or what? 

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00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:46,920
So I can argue with Karens, it's
they say in the business world, 

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00:21:46,920 --> 00:21:49,800
ROI, there's no return on 
investment. 

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00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:52,840
Sorry. 
And like some of the woke crazy 

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00:21:52,840 --> 00:21:56,600
ladies who inform me that 
they're getting their news from 

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00:21:56,600 --> 00:22:00,480
somewhere else because I posted 
some news about the trucker 

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00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:05,760
convoy and they have to announce
their departure date, I'm not 

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00:22:05,760 --> 00:22:07,760
following you anymore. 
I'm getting my news from 

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00:22:07,760 --> 00:22:11,720
somewhere else. 
So me coming a news feed in a 

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00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:17,440
country that blocks people from 
seeing news on social media, me 

356
00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:20,520
thinking that would be a good 
service for people. 

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There's no point of it. 
It doesn't help the podcast, It 

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00:22:23,480 --> 00:22:27,120
doesn't help me, so I'm not 
doing it anymore. 

359
00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:31,680
I'm only doing actions that 
align in my best interest for 

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00:22:31,680 --> 00:22:37,240
the the platform and for the 
podcast listeners who I the 

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00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:43,520
people I truly appreciate and 
deserve my the best of my 

362
00:22:43,520 --> 00:22:46,760
ability. 
The people that take the time to

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00:22:46,760 --> 00:22:52,120
listen to me, to download my 
podcast deserve the best of my 

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00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:56,760
ability in research, providing 
the best content that I can 

365
00:22:56,760 --> 00:23:00,000
deliver. 
And those are the people I'm 

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00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:04,320
dedicating my energy to. 
And it's those people right now 

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00:23:04,600 --> 00:23:08,240
that I appreciate. 
And you are the people that have

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00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:15,160
kept me going through all of the
roller coaster ride of the last 

369
00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:18,680
six years. 
And it's the people who support 

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00:23:18,680 --> 00:23:23,280
the podcast have been the shield
against the guilt and the guilt 

371
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:27,040
trippers and the people that are
trying to get in my head that me

372
00:23:27,040 --> 00:23:30,040
making a podcast is a disservice
to my family. 

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So this podcast is dedicated to 
you guys. 

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I appreciate you all from the 
bottom of my heart. 

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00:23:35,680 --> 00:23:39,080
And it's you guys that keep me 
going and it's your messages. 

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00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:44,680
A positive support throughout 
the years and in recently is why

377
00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:49,840
I get up every morning and do 
the research and try to make the

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00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:53,040
best podcast in my ability for 
you guys. 

379
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:57,160
And each day I will work harder 
and harder and harder to make it

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00:23:57,160 --> 00:24:00,440
better and better and better and
give you better and more of a 

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00:24:00,600 --> 00:24:03,240
Thank you so much for me and my 
family.