1
00:00:00,040 --> 00:00:03,840
Welcome to Vancouver True Crime.
I'm back With Shontelle focuses 

2
00:00:03,840 --> 00:00:07,800
on narcissistic abuse, 
psychopathy, and just basically 

3
00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:09,840
rotten people. 
You're you're involved with 

4
00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:13,120
someone who's rotten in their 
behavior, you're trying to break

5
00:00:13,120 --> 00:00:16,120
free, and if you listen to my 
last podcasts. 

6
00:00:16,810 --> 00:00:20,810
We we've get into like the 
dynamics of this emotional abuse

7
00:00:20,810 --> 00:00:24,690
and the glue and the stuff that 
ties you down and and sometimes 

8
00:00:24,690 --> 00:00:27,370
that that's saying it's hard to 
see the forest from the trees. 

9
00:00:27,370 --> 00:00:30,570
So hopefully in this 
conversation we can provide the 

10
00:00:30,570 --> 00:00:34,170
listening audience some clarity 
some resources and just 

11
00:00:34,170 --> 00:00:38,410
strategies of what to do if 
you're in an awful relationship 

12
00:00:38,570 --> 00:00:41,890
that could turn or is violent. 
If you've been listening to him 

13
00:00:41,890 --> 00:00:44,770
for a while, you know some of 
the cases I've done recently 

14
00:00:44,770 --> 00:00:48,590
have been. 
Worst and the most awful kind of

15
00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:51,750
outcomes. 
So my goal is try to prevent the

16
00:00:51,750 --> 00:00:54,950
listening audience if anyone's 
in this type of situation, to 

17
00:00:54,950 --> 00:00:57,070
prevent this. 
So thank you. 

18
00:00:57,110 --> 00:00:59,830
Thank you for coming back and 
it's a pleasure to have you. 

19
00:01:00,660 --> 00:01:02,660
Thank you so much. 
I really, truly believe that 

20
00:01:02,660 --> 00:01:04,900
knowledge is power. 
So my mission in life, I think 

21
00:01:04,900 --> 00:01:07,220
like yours is, is to educate 
people. 

22
00:01:07,220 --> 00:01:10,580
Because I think there's a real 
lack of education and knowledge 

23
00:01:10,620 --> 00:01:14,660
and awareness in society, which 
then trickles down to victims 

24
00:01:14,660 --> 00:01:17,700
who are in these relationships 
and may not even realize it's 

25
00:01:17,700 --> 00:01:21,700
abuse because it's not your 
stereotypical form of abuse. 

26
00:01:22,020 --> 00:01:25,340
Not all abuse leaves marks. 
Not all of these are hams. 

27
00:01:26,140 --> 00:01:29,100
A lot of it's very insidious and
very covert. 

28
00:01:29,780 --> 00:01:32,380
It's the constant nitpicking and
criticism. 

29
00:01:32,740 --> 00:01:36,980
Having said that, often times 
the leaving because it creates 

30
00:01:36,980 --> 00:01:40,780
such an abandonment wound for 
your abuser, escalates the 

31
00:01:40,780 --> 00:01:42,820
violence. 
So if you're if you've never 

32
00:01:42,820 --> 00:01:46,700
experienced fear because of 
there's never been a raised hand

33
00:01:46,700 --> 00:01:50,620
or a fist, you leaving can 
trigger that Leaving is the 

34
00:01:50,620 --> 00:01:54,700
scariest part of the equation. 
Like just like a few I studied 

35
00:01:54,860 --> 00:01:59,180
you know cult indoctrination and
a lot of this same type of 

36
00:01:59,180 --> 00:02:02,100
behavior it overlaps. 
Like we talked about the classic

37
00:02:02,100 --> 00:02:04,260
love bombing. 
You meet Prince Charming he's 

38
00:02:04,420 --> 00:02:07,220
and then it's slowly you get 
conditioned and then after you 

39
00:02:07,220 --> 00:02:10,820
get conditioned and then you 
start accepting kind of a 

40
00:02:10,820 --> 00:02:12,420
situation that you normally 
wouldn't. 

41
00:02:12,420 --> 00:02:14,660
Maybe you have kids. 
Maybe your your everything in 

42
00:02:14,660 --> 00:02:17,740
your life is tied. 
Maybe it's isolation but. 

43
00:02:18,420 --> 00:02:20,540
The bottom line is it's it's 
hostility. 

44
00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:23,700
It comes down to being in a 
hostile environment when someone

45
00:02:23,700 --> 00:02:25,420
doesn't really want the best 
interest for you. 

46
00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:26,820
And that's the tricky part, 
though. 

47
00:02:26,900 --> 00:02:31,660
We have to always remember that 
abusers are not horrible 100% of

48
00:02:31,660 --> 00:02:34,700
the time. 
I like to call it the 8020 rule 

49
00:02:34,740 --> 00:02:38,820
80% of the time, and they 
intersperse the 80% with 20% 

50
00:02:38,860 --> 00:02:40,500
here and there. 
Little bread crumbs, little 

51
00:02:40,500 --> 00:02:44,380
morsels of affection and 
attention, which you, the 

52
00:02:44,380 --> 00:02:47,440
person, becomes then, really. 
Hopeful about you. 

53
00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:49,680
See the glimmer of what you 
first met? 

54
00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:51,480
What first attracted you to this
person? 

55
00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:55,440
It's just enough to keep you 
engaged and not so much to make 

56
00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:59,280
you feel good about yourself. 
Because remember, they condition

57
00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,840
you to feel really horrible 
about yourself and to lack 

58
00:03:01,840 --> 00:03:05,750
confidence and self esteem. 
Because then you are less likely

59
00:03:05,750 --> 00:03:07,630
to leave if you felt good about 
yourself. 

60
00:03:07,630 --> 00:03:10,550
If you were rested and you 
weren't stressed and you were 

61
00:03:10,550 --> 00:03:14,590
clear headed, you would see more
clearly what you're dealing 

62
00:03:14,590 --> 00:03:16,470
with. 
But because you're exhausted and

63
00:03:16,470 --> 00:03:19,710
emotionally just drained and 
depleted and also physically 

64
00:03:19,990 --> 00:03:23,990
you, you stay because you're 
simply in survival mode. 

65
00:03:24,270 --> 00:03:27,070
I want to share something for 
when I was me again for the 

66
00:03:27,070 --> 00:03:30,230
audience. 
My my late wife passed away in 

67
00:03:30,230 --> 00:03:35,460
2020 and about six months. 
Into and her behavior change. 

68
00:03:35,460 --> 00:03:38,900
She had a a stroke but didn't 
tell anyone but she did have 

69
00:03:38,900 --> 00:03:42,340
other health issues as well that
compounded. 

70
00:03:42,980 --> 00:03:47,380
So her behavior changed very 
rapidly and and very intensely 

71
00:03:47,380 --> 00:03:51,820
And at first you know I I didn't
really know what was going on. 

72
00:03:51,820 --> 00:03:54,980
You know you think of stress 
maybe you know or your situation

73
00:03:54,980 --> 00:03:57,300
you're in maybe you're you're 
making excuses. 

74
00:03:57,500 --> 00:03:59,260
I was making excuses for her, 
right. 

75
00:03:59,700 --> 00:04:02,380
But then I did this when I 
started researching like, you 

76
00:04:02,380 --> 00:04:07,260
know, it's like her behavior was
beyond my capacity to understand

77
00:04:07,260 --> 00:04:10,300
and to navigate. 
So, you know, again, I went 

78
00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:14,660
online, I started to research 
and I came across this lady who 

79
00:04:14,660 --> 00:04:16,700
said something. 
So if you're in a relationship 

80
00:04:17,420 --> 00:04:20,820
and each day you're in that 
relationship and you using a 

81
00:04:20,820 --> 00:04:23,260
weather symbol, right. 
If you have a nice day of that 

82
00:04:23,260 --> 00:04:25,780
person, you put a sunny, you 
know, it was a sunny day. 

83
00:04:25,780 --> 00:04:27,540
Everything was pleasant, 
Pleasant day, right? 

84
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:31,720
If it was kind of crappy egg 
shells, maybe Gray clouds, 

85
00:04:31,720 --> 00:04:34,040
rainy, right? 
If it's fighting all out 

86
00:04:34,040 --> 00:04:35,520
fighting, maybe a lightning 
storm. 

87
00:04:35,520 --> 00:04:39,440
If it's an all out cops at the 
house, everything, you know, 

88
00:04:39,440 --> 00:04:43,000
hurricane or typhoon or natural 
disaster, right? 

89
00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:46,960
And then you start looking at 
the calendar, how many sunny 

90
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:49,440
days you have? 
Well, and for me, when I started

91
00:04:49,440 --> 00:04:53,280
doing that at a three months, I 
think I had 4 sunny days. 

92
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:56,520
So that showed me a pattern 
like, OK, it's not me. 

93
00:04:56,520 --> 00:04:58,970
I'm trying to get along. 
I don't wanna fight. 

94
00:04:58,970 --> 00:05:01,810
I don't wanna bicker. 
I don't wanna go to bed 

95
00:05:01,810 --> 00:05:05,690
exhausted, feeling like you're 
so frustrated that you simply 

96
00:05:05,690 --> 00:05:07,850
can't even communicate with the 
person anymore. 

97
00:05:08,290 --> 00:05:10,890
So I guess the first stage, I 
guess the reason I brought it up

98
00:05:10,890 --> 00:05:14,330
is awareness, right? 
Yeah, and you can always tell 

99
00:05:14,330 --> 00:05:17,970
that your relationship is not 
healthy when you have to start 

100
00:05:17,970 --> 00:05:21,600
Googling behavior. 
That truly, because of the 

101
00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:26,160
beauty of technology, you now 
have all these resources at your

102
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:30,520
fingertip and when you are 
starting to have to Google what 

103
00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:34,320
you're experiencing, that's a 
giant red flag that the 

104
00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:37,920
behavior, the environment, the 
relationship, quote, UN quote 

105
00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:40,500
that you're in. 
Is not a healthy one. 

106
00:05:40,540 --> 00:05:44,660
And to really pay attention to 
the cycles, right, to really 

107
00:05:44,660 --> 00:05:47,460
document. 
I love to tell people to journal

108
00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:50,060
because it's really hard to see 
the forest for the trees when 

109
00:05:50,060 --> 00:05:52,420
you're in this type of 
relationship because again, 

110
00:05:52,460 --> 00:05:56,180
you're so emotionally exhausted 
and your memory isn't good and 

111
00:05:56,180 --> 00:05:58,300
you're in survival mode, so 
you're just trying to get 

112
00:05:58,300 --> 00:06:00,580
through every day. 
But if you can, journal. 

113
00:06:01,080 --> 00:06:03,520
You can start to see patterns of
behavior and you'll just like 

114
00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,600
you said, you can start to see 
that there's more negative than 

115
00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:06,600
positive. 
Really. 

116
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:09,720
At the end of the day, your 
partner, quote, UN quote, is 

117
00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:12,120
supposed to support you. 
Yes, there's going to be hard 

118
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:14,080
days. 
No relationship is perfect. 

119
00:06:14,080 --> 00:06:20,080
Even the most healthy, tightly 
bonded couples go through ups 

120
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:21,120
and downs, right? 
That's the. 

121
00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:22,720
Norm, of course, yeah. 
It's life. 

122
00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:24,520
But when you wake. 
Up. 

123
00:06:25,040 --> 00:06:28,640
And before you open your eyes, 
you think, What am I waking up 

124
00:06:28,640 --> 00:06:32,560
to today? 
Am I going to get the person 

125
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,800
that I fell in love with or am I
going to get this? 

126
00:06:35,200 --> 00:06:40,200
Jekyll and Mr. Hyde are unsure 
as to before you open your eyes 

127
00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:43,840
what you're going to get into. 
That's a real sign that this 

128
00:06:43,840 --> 00:06:48,120
relationship is past the point 
of just being unhappy. 

129
00:06:48,560 --> 00:06:52,440
It's really starting to enter 
into the unhealthy, possibly 

130
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:57,570
toxic, most likely abusive. 
Me, speaking personally, I don't

131
00:06:57,570 --> 00:07:01,490
think there's anything in my 
life that was more exhausting. 

132
00:07:01,490 --> 00:07:03,530
You know, I've worked in tough 
jobs. 

133
00:07:03,530 --> 00:07:07,130
I've worked as an ironworker on 
construction sites, I've worked 

134
00:07:07,130 --> 00:07:10,410
in bars. 
I work crazy corporate 

135
00:07:10,410 --> 00:07:15,210
environments with toxicity and 
startups that were, you know, 15

136
00:07:15,210 --> 00:07:18,330
hour a day, seven days a week. 
You know, something's putting 90

137
00:07:18,330 --> 00:07:20,930
hours and I can thrive. 
And stress, I've been, I've been

138
00:07:20,930 --> 00:07:23,160
in a lot of stressful. 
Environments. 

139
00:07:23,160 --> 00:07:28,000
But being in an environment 
where the person that you chose 

140
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:30,800
to share your life with is 
pitted against you and trying to

141
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,720
convince you what a terrible, 
shitty person you are, but 

142
00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:35,320
you're lucky to have them, 
right? 

143
00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:39,320
I will never, ever do that 
again. 

144
00:07:39,400 --> 00:07:41,560
Here's the. 
Thing people can endure all 

145
00:07:41,560 --> 00:07:44,400
sorts of stress outside in the 
world, right? 

146
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,880
The world is a stressful place 
just by nature. 

147
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:50,320
By default, work is a, you know,
stressful. 

148
00:07:51,100 --> 00:07:52,940
Financially, it's super 
stressful. 

149
00:07:52,940 --> 00:07:57,180
But here's the thing. 
Your home life is supposed to be

150
00:07:57,260 --> 00:08:00,220
your port. 
It's supposed to be your safe 

151
00:08:00,220 --> 00:08:01,540
place. 
It's supposed to be where you 

152
00:08:01,540 --> 00:08:05,220
come back to recharge your 
battery so that you can go back 

153
00:08:05,260 --> 00:08:08,540
out into the world and deal with
the stressors of being an adult 

154
00:08:08,580 --> 00:08:12,820
and a child, right? 
If your home life is depleting 

155
00:08:12,820 --> 00:08:16,660
your battery and you come home 
and you are feeling more 

156
00:08:16,660 --> 00:08:20,100
exhausted at home in the outside
world. 

157
00:08:20,570 --> 00:08:23,730
That, again, is a giant red 
flag, because your house is 

158
00:08:23,730 --> 00:08:27,610
supposed to be peaceful. 
It's supposed to be calm. 

159
00:08:27,610 --> 00:08:31,690
It's supposed to be. 
You should not fear speaking 

160
00:08:31,690 --> 00:08:35,289
your mind, having an opinion, 
expressing your needs and wants 

161
00:08:35,289 --> 00:08:39,049
with your partner. 
A healthy partner may not always

162
00:08:39,049 --> 00:08:42,530
agree with you, but you can come
to, you know. 

163
00:08:42,909 --> 00:08:46,070
We can agree to disagree and 
there's no harm and there's no 

164
00:08:46,070 --> 00:08:47,510
hurt feelings. 
There's no way. 

165
00:08:47,830 --> 00:08:52,990
For silent treatment, when you 
start to filter and monitor what

166
00:08:52,990 --> 00:08:56,710
you say for fear of how that 
might come across to your 

167
00:08:56,710 --> 00:08:58,830
partner. 
Again, a giant red flag. 

168
00:08:59,470 --> 00:09:02,470
This is most likely not a 
healthy relationship, but more 

169
00:09:02,470 --> 00:09:04,790
than likely possibly even an 
abusive one. 

170
00:09:04,790 --> 00:09:09,310
And remember, abuse is not just 
physical, and it's not just. 

171
00:09:09,310 --> 00:09:12,080
Yelling. 
So many people stay in 

172
00:09:12,080 --> 00:09:16,560
relationships that are very, 
very abusive because there's no 

173
00:09:17,280 --> 00:09:20,680
physical and there's no outward 
rage. 

174
00:09:20,680 --> 00:09:23,600
There's no, like, yelling and 
screaming and name calling. 

175
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,490
Smarter ones? 
They know that if they're 

176
00:09:26,490 --> 00:09:29,370
yelling, scream. 
That could be caught on tape and

177
00:09:29,370 --> 00:09:33,490
that can someone else can hear 
it and witness it hitting some, 

178
00:09:33,530 --> 00:09:34,970
you know, evidence. 
Oh, you hit me. 

179
00:09:34,970 --> 00:09:37,530
There's a mark, right? 
But I find like the really good 

180
00:09:37,530 --> 00:09:41,170
abusers are good at just vibing 
you dirty looks sideways looks 

181
00:09:41,210 --> 00:09:44,170
silent treatment. 
You ask them a direct question, 

182
00:09:44,170 --> 00:09:45,730
they just walk away, don't 
answer. 

183
00:09:45,730 --> 00:09:47,570
Oh, and then if you ask and hear
you, sorry. 

184
00:09:47,570 --> 00:09:49,730
Like it was those really covert 
ones. 

185
00:09:49,770 --> 00:09:51,970
Those are the ones that are 
tricky because. 

186
00:09:52,680 --> 00:09:58,200
Again, as a society we typically
associate domestic violence. 

187
00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:02,120
Even even that term is really 
confusing for people because it 

188
00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:03,680
has the word violence in it, 
right? 

189
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:07,480
So people think violence means 
blood means bruises. 

190
00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:11,080
Yeah, bashed in the head. 
Right, but it's. 

191
00:10:11,470 --> 00:10:15,590
Everything that makes you feel 
fearful and everything that 

192
00:10:15,590 --> 00:10:18,030
diminishes your ability to 
strive. 

193
00:10:18,030 --> 00:10:22,670
It's every word, every action, 
every eye roll, every sigh. 

194
00:10:23,230 --> 00:10:25,830
Every Roll your eyes when they 
talk 0. 

195
00:10:25,910 --> 00:10:29,470
Right, as a one off, we all 
don't act beautifully all the 

196
00:10:29,470 --> 00:10:31,510
time, right? 
But when there's a repeated 

197
00:10:31,630 --> 00:10:36,190
pattern of behavior where this 
is their go to when you don't do

198
00:10:36,190 --> 00:10:38,110
what they want to do and 
remember. 

199
00:10:38,640 --> 00:10:42,720
Their goal posts are constantly 
moving, so one day they like 

200
00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:46,720
their steak medium rare. 
You've become the grill master 

201
00:10:46,720 --> 00:10:49,960
and you've got the, you know, 
your grill marks just so. 

202
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:53,320
And it's beautiful medium rare. 
And so you've honed this skill 

203
00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,000
because you've been conditioned 
that if it's not just this way, 

204
00:10:56,280 --> 00:10:57,640
you're gonna be ignored. 
They're gonna. 

205
00:10:58,330 --> 00:11:00,210
You know, put you down in small 
ways. 

206
00:11:00,450 --> 00:11:02,730
They come home and they say, I 
don't like my steak this way. 

207
00:11:02,730 --> 00:11:04,330
How could you not know this, 
right? 

208
00:11:04,890 --> 00:11:08,410
And then so your goal posts are 
constantly changing that creates

209
00:11:08,410 --> 00:11:12,810
this pervasive fear atmosphere. 
What is it going to be today? 

210
00:11:12,810 --> 00:11:17,490
What do I have to do to make 
sure that they are happy And so 

211
00:11:17,730 --> 00:11:22,010
and you can tell in this type of
family dynamic, everybody 

212
00:11:22,090 --> 00:11:25,810
behaves. 
To address one person, it's like

213
00:11:25,850 --> 00:11:27,490
they're the son and the world 
revolves. 

214
00:11:27,490 --> 00:11:30,490
Yeah, yeah, I've seen that so 
many times. 

215
00:11:30,810 --> 00:11:34,290
And in these types of dynamics, 
a healthy, protective parent. 

216
00:11:34,290 --> 00:11:37,210
So say it's me. 
So I'm the mom. 

217
00:11:37,210 --> 00:11:39,170
I have a husband and I have 
three kids. 

218
00:11:39,290 --> 00:11:43,490
And I love my children more than
anybody else in the whole wide 

219
00:11:43,490 --> 00:11:46,810
world. 
But I now put my husband. 

220
00:11:47,210 --> 00:11:50,970
Right above my children, I cater
to him more than I cater to my 

221
00:11:50,970 --> 00:11:52,130
children's means. 
Why? 

222
00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:55,450
Because I'm living in fear. 
If I don't make sure that he's 

223
00:11:55,450 --> 00:12:00,450
happy, we all suffer, right? 
So it's a reversal of roles 

224
00:12:00,450 --> 00:12:04,290
because truly you would put your
children before, but in this 

225
00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:08,890
type of dynamic your everyone's 
focus is on making this one 

226
00:12:08,890 --> 00:12:11,300
person happy. 
Oh, totally. 

227
00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:14,700
I've seen like, just such cringy
stuff like that too. 

228
00:12:14,700 --> 00:12:17,540
Like, I remember this one family
I friends with. 

229
00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:21,780
Every time the husband went to 
work, it was just like, you 

230
00:12:21,780 --> 00:12:24,620
think he was going off to war 
off on the front lines. 

231
00:12:24,740 --> 00:12:28,060
The mom, the oldest daughter, 
they'd greet him at the door and

232
00:12:28,060 --> 00:12:31,260
take walk him to the door way 
when he gets in his truck. 

233
00:12:31,260 --> 00:12:32,860
Oh, like he's going to fight 
the. 

234
00:12:32,860 --> 00:12:35,420
You know what I mean? 
It was just like every single 

235
00:12:35,420 --> 00:12:37,460
time. 
I'm like, wow, remember, like he

236
00:12:37,460 --> 00:12:40,180
would be walking to a truck and 
the oldest daughter would yell. 

237
00:12:40,780 --> 00:12:42,700
Dad's leaving, Dad's leaving 
call call. 

238
00:12:42,860 --> 00:12:47,020
But it was so over the top. 
Yeah, it was so over the top. 

239
00:12:47,020 --> 00:12:49,260
It was so and he just see, oh, 
you just gross. 

240
00:12:49,260 --> 00:12:51,540
Like it was gross. 
And the guy was such a loser 

241
00:12:51,540 --> 00:12:54,180
too, right? 
Right and. 0 Personalities 

242
00:12:54,260 --> 00:12:56,020
always in a bad moods. 
Not always. 

243
00:12:56,020 --> 00:12:58,620
Like giving you that sideways 
look like, I don't know about 

244
00:12:58,620 --> 00:13:02,740
you, OK, I. 
Know about us because this type 

245
00:13:02,740 --> 00:13:05,980
of personality also always 
assumes that everyone is as 

246
00:13:06,100 --> 00:13:07,860
duplicitous and devious as them,
right? 

247
00:13:07,980 --> 00:13:10,260
They're hyper paranoid because 
they. 

248
00:13:10,660 --> 00:13:13,780
Usually, like, have no issues 
throwing you under the bus. 

249
00:13:13,780 --> 00:13:16,220
They would throw their own mom 
under the bus if it got them 

250
00:13:16,220 --> 00:13:19,340
some sort of game, right? 
So they assume that if they're 

251
00:13:19,340 --> 00:13:21,900
cheating, you're cheating, which
is why they project on to you, 

252
00:13:21,980 --> 00:13:24,220
right? 
A really huge clue too that I 

253
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:28,180
see with a lot of my clients is 
you can tell this person is 

254
00:13:28,180 --> 00:13:33,020
toxic, abusive when they leave 
when they're not in the home, 

255
00:13:33,020 --> 00:13:35,500
like say they have them like a 
work trip for three days and. 

256
00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:38,720
The energy level just dissipates
and. 

257
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:42,280
Yeah, everyone's happy, right? 
Like people can actually. 

258
00:13:42,280 --> 00:13:45,320
Like you can actually physically
see like the sigh of like. 

259
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:48,320
Yeah, he's gone the ogre's gone 
the. 

260
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:52,560
Converse happens when they're 
expected to come back right? 

261
00:13:52,560 --> 00:13:55,960
People start to get more on 
edge, more nervous, more snippy,

262
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:59,080
more reactive, because they know
that the moment this person 

263
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:02,760
comes back through the door, the
atmosphere is going to change, 

264
00:14:02,760 --> 00:14:04,200
right? 
For sure. 

265
00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:06,240
Yeah, I know. 
I've seen a lot like over the 

266
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:09,880
years like that, exactly what 
the scenario you're talking 

267
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:14,000
about, where everyone's happy, 
everyone's 05 o'clock, Oh my 

268
00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:15,880
God, dad's coming home or 
whomever. 

269
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:18,520
And then and then it does the 
whole atmosphere, just like the 

270
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:21,440
air gets charged and it's like 
you can't breathe as you know 

271
00:14:21,440 --> 00:14:24,360
you feel like you're, you can 
feel the anxiety in the air. 

272
00:14:24,360 --> 00:14:25,960
Totally. 
Everyone's nervous. 

273
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:29,160
Environment, right? 
Like, I equate it to if you're 

274
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,280
raised in a home where your 
parents. 

275
00:14:31,650 --> 00:14:35,290
Are chronic indoor smokers. 
You don't notice that the air 

276
00:14:35,370 --> 00:14:37,930
quality in your house is so 
toxic, right? 

277
00:14:37,930 --> 00:14:42,330
Like, literally, it's toxic 
until you have opportunities to 

278
00:14:42,330 --> 00:14:45,330
leave your home and go to other 
people's homes where the air is 

279
00:14:45,330 --> 00:14:47,170
actually. 
Healthy. 

280
00:14:47,690 --> 00:14:50,450
And you think, Oh my gosh, this 
is what it feels like, Like this

281
00:14:50,450 --> 00:14:53,090
is actually. 
When you're in it, it becomes 

282
00:14:53,090 --> 00:14:54,610
normalized, right? 
Why? 

283
00:14:54,610 --> 00:14:56,930
Like when people especially 
don't have to deal with the 

284
00:14:56,930 --> 00:15:00,610
raised voices or the hitting or 
the physical part, it could 

285
00:15:00,690 --> 00:15:03,330
always be worse. 
Well, you know, he doesn't hit 

286
00:15:03,330 --> 00:15:07,650
me or she's not calling me. 
Names all day, every day, right?

287
00:15:07,650 --> 00:15:08,490
So. 
It's not that. 

288
00:15:08,650 --> 00:15:10,770
Bad. 
Like I have it pretty good. 

289
00:15:11,330 --> 00:15:13,370
This is just how families. 
Work right? 

290
00:15:13,370 --> 00:15:15,410
Like families can be 
dysfunctional. 

291
00:15:15,570 --> 00:15:17,330
It's totally normal to keep 
secrets. 

292
00:15:17,330 --> 00:15:20,410
It's totally normal to not have 
friends over or just socialize 

293
00:15:20,410 --> 00:15:22,690
with people. 
This becomes normalized in these

294
00:15:22,690 --> 00:15:25,640
toxic family systems. 
For sure. 

295
00:15:26,040 --> 00:15:28,440
Well, like, like we're saying in
the beginning, right again, you 

296
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:31,520
pick a partner because they're 
supposed to enhance your life, 

297
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:35,080
you're supposed to coexist and 
and then when they become like 

298
00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:38,400
your greatest enemy at the end 
of the day, that's still another

299
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:41,850
way to boil it down because. 
You wouldn't accept friendships 

300
00:15:41,850 --> 00:15:44,010
like that. 
Or even if your boss talked to 

301
00:15:44,010 --> 00:15:46,650
you the way like these, you know
some of these these situations, 

302
00:15:46,650 --> 00:15:49,130
you just be appalled and say OK,
I'm putting in my 2 weeks 

303
00:15:49,130 --> 00:15:50,730
notice, you can't talk to me 
like that. 

304
00:15:50,930 --> 00:15:54,370
So a lot of times at what I see 
is behavior that won't be 

305
00:15:54,370 --> 00:15:56,850
accepted in any other part of 
their life, they're accepting 

306
00:15:56,850 --> 00:15:58,690
it. 
Into another part of life. 

307
00:15:58,690 --> 00:16:00,850
For me, that was the hardest 
part. 

308
00:16:00,850 --> 00:16:03,970
Because it was, yeah, yeah, it 
was this because it was against 

309
00:16:03,970 --> 00:16:05,930
your, against your whole 
principles and stuff. 

310
00:16:05,930 --> 00:16:08,930
For me, cause like an implosion,
because it's like you're 

311
00:16:08,930 --> 00:16:11,610
accepting this behavior, it's 
making you feel worse, but 

312
00:16:11,610 --> 00:16:13,410
somehow you feel trapped in it, 
right? 

313
00:16:13,690 --> 00:16:16,250
Well, that's what I say to my 
clients and I say, and I post 

314
00:16:16,250 --> 00:16:22,730
this like on like my social is 
we hold parents to a much lower.

315
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:26,520
Standard of care than we do 
complete strangers. 

316
00:16:26,560 --> 00:16:31,200
If a teacher was to treat 
children the way that these 

317
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:36,160
adult parents treat their 
children, If a psychologist was 

318
00:16:36,160 --> 00:16:40,160
to treat their children clients,
the way that this abusive parent

319
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:43,800
treats their their child, they'd
get disbarred. 

320
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:46,320
They'd get criminal charges laid
against them, right. 

321
00:16:46,640 --> 00:16:49,640
But because it's the child's 
parent, we allow it. 

322
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:52,280
I mean judges all over the 
world. 

323
00:16:52,820 --> 00:16:56,140
Allow abuse of parents to have 
access to their children because

324
00:16:56,140 --> 00:16:57,980
it's their parent. 
It's almost like children are 

325
00:16:57,980 --> 00:17:00,820
property to be divided. 
Yeah, and. 

326
00:17:01,060 --> 00:17:03,740
They even rights themselves 
because they're just children. 

327
00:17:03,780 --> 00:17:05,260
They don't know what they're 
talking about. 

328
00:17:05,260 --> 00:17:08,260
It's always in the child's best 
interest to have access to both 

329
00:17:08,260 --> 00:17:10,099
parents. 
Talked a little bit before we 

330
00:17:10,099 --> 00:17:11,220
started. 
It's like. 

331
00:17:11,940 --> 00:17:14,619
I think for a lot of people, 
including myself, until like 

332
00:17:14,619 --> 00:17:17,780
what the last five years of my 
life, I still felt I had pretty 

333
00:17:17,780 --> 00:17:19,700
rose colored glasses about the 
system. 

334
00:17:19,700 --> 00:17:21,460
You need a problem, you have a 
serious problem. 

335
00:17:21,460 --> 00:17:23,540
You can call the police. 
They'll be there to help you. 

336
00:17:23,900 --> 00:17:26,099
Family law show. 
Oh, let's get a good lawyer. 

337
00:17:26,099 --> 00:17:29,140
They'll sort it all out and 
maybe it's because of the 

338
00:17:29,140 --> 00:17:32,020
pandemic, maybe a whole bunch of
other factors. 

339
00:17:32,340 --> 00:17:36,860
But to my surprise and shock as 
I, you know, venture more into 

340
00:17:36,860 --> 00:17:41,170
this stuff. 
How badly the system is broken 

341
00:17:41,170 --> 00:17:45,410
and how contrary for what it is 
that you're taught is a shock to

342
00:17:45,410 --> 00:17:47,650
most people. 
And it's still is a shock to me 

343
00:17:47,650 --> 00:17:48,890
is some of the stuff I've been 
going through. 

344
00:17:48,890 --> 00:17:52,370
It's just like completely. 
I can't even believe that I'm in

345
00:17:52,370 --> 00:17:55,290
this reality because this is 
nothing like the reality that I 

346
00:17:55,290 --> 00:17:58,490
was taught and I think. 
That big problem is that people 

347
00:17:58,490 --> 00:18:01,170
assume that leaving is the 
hardest part and then once they 

348
00:18:01,330 --> 00:18:05,290
leave and society also puts a 
tremendous burden on people. 

349
00:18:05,730 --> 00:18:07,770
Right. 
If you stay, you're damaging 

350
00:18:07,770 --> 00:18:09,690
your children. 
You have to get out, right? 

351
00:18:09,690 --> 00:18:13,930
So this, this innate presumption
that by believing, you're going 

352
00:18:13,930 --> 00:18:17,050
to have Social Security Nets in 
place to help. 

353
00:18:17,050 --> 00:18:21,370
You right. 
And every There is maybe like 1%

354
00:18:21,370 --> 00:18:24,810
of my clients who happen upon 
great lawyers and get great 

355
00:18:24,810 --> 00:18:28,050
results in court educated 
judges, right? 

356
00:18:28,690 --> 00:18:32,290
But the vast majority of the 
people that I work with come to 

357
00:18:32,290 --> 00:18:35,710
me after they've made. 
The wrong choices, right, 

358
00:18:35,710 --> 00:18:39,110
Because they just don't know. 
They assume that social workers 

359
00:18:39,110 --> 00:18:41,950
are going to be educated, that 
judges are going to be educated,

360
00:18:41,950 --> 00:18:44,670
that there's proof of domestic 
violence. 

361
00:18:44,670 --> 00:18:47,710
So obviously that's going to be 
taken into consideration. 

362
00:18:47,710 --> 00:18:50,430
And their spouse who's abusive 
is going to lose parenting 

363
00:18:50,430 --> 00:18:53,710
privileges, right? 
And I see it time and time 

364
00:18:53,710 --> 00:18:57,190
again. 
They leave and it's like leaving

365
00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:59,390
a lamb to slaughter. 
They. 

366
00:18:59,470 --> 00:19:03,310
Just get mobilized by the system
and they get traumatized because

367
00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:07,030
they go into it naive like 
everybody else who just. 

368
00:19:07,030 --> 00:19:09,230
Including myself. 
Right. 

369
00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:14,100
Those who are outside, who have 
not had to engage with the 

370
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:18,260
system, naively assume for all 
guilty of this until you 

371
00:19:18,260 --> 00:19:22,300
actually engage in this that 
it's going to help victims and 

372
00:19:22,300 --> 00:19:25,300
it's not going to revictimize 
them and retraumatize them. 

373
00:19:25,300 --> 00:19:29,100
But like I said, it's like 1% of
the population who leaves, who 

374
00:19:29,260 --> 00:19:33,060
actually gets the right people 
at the right time and are able 

375
00:19:33,060 --> 00:19:35,860
to actually win their case and 
protect their children 

376
00:19:35,860 --> 00:19:38,460
themselves. 
The vast majority of people go 

377
00:19:38,460 --> 00:19:41,180
into this assuming. 
That it's going to be helpful 

378
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:44,740
for them and that they're going 
to get the support and they're 

379
00:19:44,740 --> 00:19:48,860
let down time and time again, 
which is why knowledge is power,

380
00:19:49,020 --> 00:19:52,660
education is key, and before you
even leave. 

381
00:19:52,700 --> 00:19:55,180
I can't stress this enough, and 
I know it's because I'm in the 

382
00:19:55,180 --> 00:19:59,700
industry and it's what I do. 
But you need to secure expert 

383
00:19:59,700 --> 00:20:03,420
support before you even hire 
your lawyer, because your lawyer

384
00:20:03,420 --> 00:20:05,660
is your second most valuable 
advocate. 

385
00:20:05,700 --> 00:20:08,620
And if you hired the wrong 
lawyer, that is going to cost 

386
00:20:08,620 --> 00:20:09,780
you time and money that you 
don't. 

387
00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:12,020
Have and could potentially cost 
you your children. 

388
00:20:12,500 --> 00:20:14,500
Oh for sure, absolutely. 
I agree 100%. 

389
00:20:14,540 --> 00:20:17,180
You know again I'm not going to 
really get breakdown all the 

390
00:20:17,180 --> 00:20:21,180
crazy stuff I've been through, 
but but anyways, all I can say 

391
00:20:21,180 --> 00:20:27,060
if I agreeing with you, if I met
you 3-4 years ago, I think you 

392
00:20:27,060 --> 00:20:29,780
could avoid it. 
A lot of BS that I've been going

393
00:20:29,820 --> 00:20:32,500
through personally I. 
Get this all the time from 

394
00:20:32,500 --> 00:20:34,580
people. 
I wish I'd met you last year. 

395
00:20:34,580 --> 00:20:36,340
I wish I'd met you six months 
ago. 

396
00:20:37,110 --> 00:20:39,630
This is why I put myself out 
there and you don't even have to

397
00:20:39,630 --> 00:20:41,310
hire me. 
I'm not even just an advocate 

398
00:20:41,310 --> 00:20:43,230
for me. 
I mean, I think I do a fantastic

399
00:20:43,230 --> 00:20:47,470
job and I'm one of the best in 
the industry, but hire somebody 

400
00:20:47,470 --> 00:20:50,750
who is an expert in this field, 
truthfully. 

401
00:20:51,260 --> 00:20:54,540
And I don't even care who you 
hire, just hire somebody who's 

402
00:20:54,540 --> 00:20:56,500
going to guide you through the 
process. 

403
00:20:56,500 --> 00:21:00,100
Because yes, your job in leaving
is to protect yourself and your 

404
00:21:00,100 --> 00:21:02,020
children. 
And by not taking that really 

405
00:21:02,020 --> 00:21:05,020
important step, everything else 
is inconsequential. 

406
00:21:05,020 --> 00:21:07,580
Because you'll make the wrong 
decisions, because you just 

407
00:21:07,580 --> 00:21:10,060
don't know. 
For you know, Alex passed when 

408
00:21:10,060 --> 00:21:14,220
Alexandra was my late wife. 
She would have like, psychotic 

409
00:21:14,220 --> 00:21:17,030
breaks. 
Cops had come to the house. 

410
00:21:17,110 --> 00:21:19,790
I was calm because you know, I 
didn't want to go to jail. 

411
00:21:19,790 --> 00:21:22,510
I wasn't causing any fights. 
I wasn't yelling, so I'd 

412
00:21:22,510 --> 00:21:24,270
interact. 
The cops talk to him calmly. 

413
00:21:24,270 --> 00:21:26,790
The cops were really good. 
They didn't escalate the 

414
00:21:26,790 --> 00:21:30,430
situation and she would just 
still be screaming like from the

415
00:21:30,430 --> 00:21:33,270
roof beams like this. 
It just real as dramatic, as 

416
00:21:33,270 --> 00:21:37,870
dramatic and be all every single
time that I think they came 4 * 

417
00:21:37,870 --> 00:21:40,910
/ a three month period, all four
times. 

418
00:21:41,710 --> 00:21:44,390
The good cops arrived. 
They didn't try to escalate it. 

419
00:21:44,390 --> 00:21:46,070
They didn't try to stir up the 
pot. 

420
00:21:46,070 --> 00:21:48,150
So I had a good impression. 
Thank God, right. 

421
00:21:48,150 --> 00:21:50,950
In that case, because God, if 
they put her in handcuffs, Oh my

422
00:21:50,950 --> 00:21:53,030
God, I couldn't imagine what 
would happen because she was 

423
00:21:53,030 --> 00:21:57,150
completely, like, having 
psychotic breaks right then. 

424
00:21:57,150 --> 00:22:01,150
When she passed away at Royal 
Columbian Hospital, The social 

425
00:22:01,150 --> 00:22:04,390
worker there, the people there, 
the resources were absolutely 

426
00:22:04,390 --> 00:22:07,550
phenomenal, absolutely fun of 
nothing terrible to say. 

427
00:22:08,270 --> 00:22:11,950
And and then everyone I dealt 
with after that, we were amazing

428
00:22:12,790 --> 00:22:15,990
few years later needed the 
system again and it was a 

429
00:22:15,990 --> 00:22:18,950
complete opposite. 
Like it was almost like how, you

430
00:22:18,950 --> 00:22:21,470
know, like what I'm saying is 
that you have these very 

431
00:22:21,470 --> 00:22:24,430
different experiences. 
So I was prepared like Oh no, 

432
00:22:24,430 --> 00:22:26,110
they they're, you know, they're 
they will help. 

433
00:22:26,150 --> 00:22:29,430
They they're good because I had 
these positive experiences and 

434
00:22:29,430 --> 00:22:32,790
maybe because of the pandemic, 
you know, it could be a factor 

435
00:22:32,870 --> 00:22:35,300
but. 
I think it's important for the 

436
00:22:35,300 --> 00:22:40,540
listeners, and I can't emphasize
this enough, as great as your 

437
00:22:40,540 --> 00:22:44,500
evidence, you have the Diaries, 
the the videotape and it's 

438
00:22:44,500 --> 00:22:46,620
important to have that because 
the more that you can 

439
00:22:46,620 --> 00:22:51,660
collaborate your story, the 
system is not crying to victims.

440
00:22:51,860 --> 00:22:55,860
And that's what from doing this 
platform from the hundreds and 

441
00:22:55,860 --> 00:22:59,160
hundreds of cases. 
Working with victims, families 

442
00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:02,280
that have had the worst, you 
know, outcomes possible. 

443
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:05,960
Working directly with victims, 
families, one thing that's 

444
00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:10,480
universal, that they all cross 
the board, cross the country, 

445
00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:15,800
the system, victimize them as 
much as a perpetrator. 

446
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:20,480
Almost worse because you expect 
the system to support you. 

447
00:23:21,210 --> 00:23:23,530
You've already been traumatized 
and you've already been 

448
00:23:23,530 --> 00:23:26,050
victimized. 
And then to be revictimized by 

449
00:23:26,050 --> 00:23:29,090
the very system that set in 
place to protect you and your 

450
00:23:29,090 --> 00:23:34,170
children is more traumatic 
because it's just an ongoing it 

451
00:23:34,170 --> 00:23:37,970
enables. 
See, the system is designed to 

452
00:23:37,970 --> 00:23:40,970
enable, embolden and empower 
abusers. 

453
00:23:40,970 --> 00:23:44,890
Abusers do very well in the 
system because they present 

454
00:23:44,930 --> 00:23:46,970
really well. 
They can be charming and 

455
00:23:46,970 --> 00:23:48,730
charismatic when they need to 
be. 

456
00:23:49,420 --> 00:23:52,740
Typically, victims who are not 
educated about the system go 

457
00:23:52,780 --> 00:23:55,780
into this thinking that they can
just speak their truth and just 

458
00:23:55,780 --> 00:23:58,580
be who they are and. 
I think truth's on your side. 

459
00:23:58,580 --> 00:24:00,780
You're just going to, you know, 
present the facts and. 

460
00:24:00,900 --> 00:24:03,140
Yep. 
There's so much to be said in 

461
00:24:03,140 --> 00:24:06,700
how you present, right? 
And it's unfortunate because 

462
00:24:06,700 --> 00:24:09,540
you're a victim and you're 
emotional and you're exhausted 

463
00:24:09,580 --> 00:24:12,540
and you're depleted and you're 
stressed and you're worried 

464
00:24:12,540 --> 00:24:15,100
about the most important thing 
in the world, and that is your 

465
00:24:15,100 --> 00:24:18,340
children and so. 
That is on the line. 

466
00:24:18,340 --> 00:24:21,300
Like truly, your children's 
lives are on the line. 

467
00:24:21,300 --> 00:24:24,020
And so you come across and I see
it time and time again. 

468
00:24:24,020 --> 00:24:25,660
There is no judgment in the 
statement. 

469
00:24:25,660 --> 00:24:28,820
You come across as crazy, 
unhinged, overly emotional, 

470
00:24:28,940 --> 00:24:32,620
reactive, a judge, just these 
two people and unfortunately. 

471
00:24:32,620 --> 00:24:35,540
Because of. 
Society, we think it takes 2 to 

472
00:24:35,540 --> 00:24:37,420
tango. 
There's that really pervasive 

473
00:24:37,460 --> 00:24:39,020
attitude. 
It takes 2 to tango. 

474
00:24:39,380 --> 00:24:42,300
It's an incompatibility issue 
between two adults. 

475
00:24:42,300 --> 00:24:45,660
You separate the adults and the 
anything that was toxic or 

476
00:24:45,660 --> 00:24:48,140
abusive will be gone. 
The children will not be 

477
00:24:48,140 --> 00:24:49,940
affected. 
They're affected because the two

478
00:24:49,940 --> 00:24:52,540
of you are together. 
So if you, the children will no 

479
00:24:52,540 --> 00:24:55,260
longer suffer. 
Both people will deescalate and 

480
00:24:55,260 --> 00:24:59,740
become healthy individuals. 
They see two people, your ex, 

481
00:24:59,740 --> 00:25:03,820
the abuser presents really 
calmly, unemotional, really 

482
00:25:03,860 --> 00:25:07,060
articulate, really, You know, 
they know how to pander and 

483
00:25:07,060 --> 00:25:10,980
cater to their audience. 
You come across as really 

484
00:25:10,980 --> 00:25:14,380
reactive and volatile. 
They see two people, they look 

485
00:25:14,380 --> 00:25:17,340
at you and they say. 
That's the issue right there. 

486
00:25:18,100 --> 00:25:20,460
Right. 
And I see so many people who 

487
00:25:20,460 --> 00:25:25,020
even lose their children, right?
They lose their children because

488
00:25:25,340 --> 00:25:27,820
they have made mistakes that so 
many people make. 

489
00:25:27,820 --> 00:25:31,420
But it's just the perfect storm 
of too many mistakes, The wrong 

490
00:25:31,420 --> 00:25:35,100
lawyer, the wrong evidence, the 
wrong communication, the wrong 

491
00:25:35,100 --> 00:25:37,660
presentation, the wrong strategy
and planning. 

492
00:25:38,140 --> 00:25:41,060
And they go in court and game 
over. 

493
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:44,320
Yeah. 
And you know what? 

494
00:25:44,320 --> 00:25:46,760
As I said five years ago, I 
think, oh, your knees are the 

495
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:48,880
worst case scenarios. 
Me, You know, Right. 

496
00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:51,240
No. 
And. 

497
00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:56,560
Here's The thing is, so many 
people come out and live great 

498
00:25:56,560 --> 00:25:57,880
lives. 
But. 

499
00:25:59,160 --> 00:26:04,840
So many people go in and then 
are pulverized and they are a 

500
00:26:04,840 --> 00:26:08,040
fraction of the person they were
even when they left their 

501
00:26:08,040 --> 00:26:09,600
abuser. 
Because truly, the most 

502
00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:12,400
important thing to these people 
are their children. 

503
00:26:12,810 --> 00:26:16,210
So when their children are. 
Suffering and in pain when their

504
00:26:16,210 --> 00:26:19,370
children turn against them. 
When their children come back 

505
00:26:19,370 --> 00:26:22,090
belligerent and rude because 
they're forced to cohabitate 

506
00:26:22,090 --> 00:26:25,650
with an abuser, it is. 
It strips them of their 

507
00:26:25,650 --> 00:26:29,370
humanity. 
It does and it does and think 

508
00:26:29,370 --> 00:26:32,130
what is the betrayal that does 
too because it's saying again 

509
00:26:32,130 --> 00:26:35,370
like like I I mentioned this on 
another podcast and. 

510
00:26:36,890 --> 00:26:39,370
You know, way that my mind 
works, and maybe I'm foolish, 

511
00:26:39,370 --> 00:26:41,930
but you just say this. 
You put a decade into somebody 

512
00:26:42,130 --> 00:26:44,650
and you've been through all 
their trials and error and 

513
00:26:44,650 --> 00:26:49,050
support and death of loved ones 
and family members. 

514
00:26:49,090 --> 00:26:53,010
And you know, you, you, you 
spend a decade with anyone you 

515
00:26:53,010 --> 00:26:55,010
know, ups and downs and stuff 
like that. 

516
00:26:55,010 --> 00:26:56,930
But been there with them. 
And you think that's going to 

517
00:26:56,930 --> 00:27:00,290
create like some loyal he's this
from the psychopath narcissic 

518
00:27:00,290 --> 00:27:02,640
spectrum. 
And they weaponize that against 

519
00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:04,360
you. 
And so, so a normal person, even

520
00:27:04,360 --> 00:27:06,560
if it even if you're having 
conflict, they could 

521
00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:09,360
differentiate maybe the things 
that the things about you that 

522
00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:13,360
bother them, where narcissists 
like they'll take the things 

523
00:27:13,360 --> 00:27:15,400
that are important to you and 
then they turn around and 

524
00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:17,080
weaponize you. 
So if you care about your kids, 

525
00:27:17,080 --> 00:27:20,240
although these are kids, the if 
you care about your family or 

526
00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:23,000
your family's lunatics and 
that's why you're crazy because 

527
00:27:23,000 --> 00:27:25,400
your family's crazy because all 
the things he told me, they, 

528
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:28,580
they cherry pick things. 
And then they build this case 

529
00:27:28,580 --> 00:27:31,300
and then they attack you and rip
you apart, right? 

530
00:27:31,300 --> 00:27:32,620
So. 
And for. 

531
00:27:32,820 --> 00:27:35,380
The average person, that's 
that's pretty harsh, right? 

532
00:27:35,380 --> 00:27:36,820
You never have been through that
and. 

533
00:27:37,180 --> 00:27:40,140
Fathom that parents can do that 
to children, right? 

534
00:27:40,180 --> 00:27:43,660
We all think again. 
The pervasive attitude in 

535
00:27:43,660 --> 00:27:46,540
society is that all parents love
their children. 

536
00:27:47,300 --> 00:27:49,900
They don't. 
I will die on this platform and 

537
00:27:49,900 --> 00:27:52,500
I will stand by this until the 
day that I die. 

538
00:27:53,130 --> 00:27:56,090
And that is unequivocally false.
Not. 

539
00:27:56,130 --> 00:27:57,970
All parents. 
Love their children. 

540
00:27:58,370 --> 00:28:03,570
And that is such a horrible 
thing for me to have come to. 

541
00:28:03,650 --> 00:28:05,730
I am the biggest proponent of 
love. 

542
00:28:05,770 --> 00:28:08,170
I am the most optimistic person 
there is. 

543
00:28:08,170 --> 00:28:11,330
I really believe in the goodness
of everybody. 

544
00:28:12,210 --> 00:28:14,730
I'm here to tell you that I am 
reformed. 

545
00:28:14,970 --> 00:28:16,210
I do. 
Not see the good. 

546
00:28:16,290 --> 00:28:20,410
People I have seen the worst and
these people truly have no 

547
00:28:20,410 --> 00:28:24,630
qualms or issues. 
Using their children to hurt 

548
00:28:24,630 --> 00:28:26,710
their spouse. 
And they all do it. 

549
00:28:26,990 --> 00:28:30,910
No matter how your divorce ends,
no matter how the finances, when

550
00:28:30,910 --> 00:28:33,790
the money is split because 
that's the biggest issue for 

551
00:28:33,790 --> 00:28:38,270
them is money. 
When that money is split and you

552
00:28:38,270 --> 00:28:41,590
think now I can breathe a sigh 
of relief, guess what? 

553
00:28:41,710 --> 00:28:42,830
It's not. 
Over. 

554
00:28:43,110 --> 00:28:46,190
Now they're going to turn their 
focus onto your children. 

555
00:28:46,230 --> 00:28:48,230
And they do. 
And nobody believes me because 

556
00:28:48,230 --> 00:28:50,640
nobody wants to believe this. 
Right. 

557
00:28:50,880 --> 00:28:53,560
And if you aren't prepared for 
that, then guess what? 

558
00:28:53,760 --> 00:29:00,240
The next 10 to 18 years is going
to be a quagmire of horrible 

559
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:02,040
stuff that you are not prepared 
for. 

560
00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:05,240
You have to anticipate their 
tactics so you can mitigate 

561
00:29:05,240 --> 00:29:07,760
their tactics and your children.
Will fight dirty. 

562
00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:10,280
They'll they'll smear. 
They'll get other people 

563
00:29:10,280 --> 00:29:11,400
involved. 
They'll. 

564
00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:16,840
Turn your children against you. 
Scorched Earth 2. 

565
00:29:16,920 --> 00:29:19,440
Eyes like my own two eyes. 
They will take a child who was 

566
00:29:19,440 --> 00:29:23,520
heavily bonded to their parent, 
and in a short amount of time 

567
00:29:23,800 --> 00:29:26,480
they will turn that child 
against the parent so that the 

568
00:29:26,560 --> 00:29:30,360
child no longer even wants to be
with that parent, ever. 

569
00:29:30,850 --> 00:29:32,650
And if they're forced? 
Yeah, then. 

570
00:29:32,890 --> 00:29:35,450
They will. 
So Chantelle, let's talk about 

571
00:29:35,450 --> 00:29:40,570
this then let's So this is a 
scenario of someone who's been 

572
00:29:40,570 --> 00:29:42,890
with a partner for a very long 
time. 

573
00:29:42,890 --> 00:29:45,650
Let's say they even, you know, 
cases where they met someone in 

574
00:29:45,650 --> 00:29:49,100
their teens. 
And the conditioning is so like 

575
00:29:49,260 --> 00:29:53,620
they've had years to do their 
brainwashing, their Charlie 

576
00:29:53,620 --> 00:29:57,340
Manson mind control techniques 
and. 

577
00:29:57,420 --> 00:29:59,500
Brainwashing. 
Yeah, these people are like 

578
00:29:59,540 --> 00:30:02,580
brainwashing. 
Organization that does this sort

579
00:30:02,580 --> 00:30:04,420
of stuff. 
It's the same sort of tactics 

580
00:30:04,420 --> 00:30:05,700
the same. 
Yeah, totally. 

581
00:30:07,110 --> 00:30:09,790
So a person like that, let's say
they're slowly waking up that 

582
00:30:09,790 --> 00:30:12,230
you could have like, say 15 
minutes with them. 

583
00:30:12,230 --> 00:30:14,510
What would be like Like they're 
just starting to realize that 

584
00:30:14,510 --> 00:30:16,910
hey, this sucks, I need to get 
out of this crap. 

585
00:30:17,470 --> 00:30:21,630
Is that you absolutely can get 
out, and it's overwhelming and 

586
00:30:21,630 --> 00:30:24,590
scary, especially because you've
been brainwashed to believe that

587
00:30:24,590 --> 00:30:27,470
you're incapable of life outside
of this relationship. 

588
00:30:27,470 --> 00:30:31,830
Truly, that is, their goal is to
make you so attached to them and

589
00:30:31,830 --> 00:30:34,350
so dependent on them that even 
though you know it's bad. 

590
00:30:35,000 --> 00:30:37,320
It's better to be with the devil
you know than the devil you 

591
00:30:37,320 --> 00:30:39,800
don't, so you stay. 
You first have to understand 

592
00:30:39,800 --> 00:30:44,520
that it is possible to have a 
great life despite this abuse 

593
00:30:44,920 --> 00:30:48,240
and that it's everybody stays 
because they're paralyzed by 

594
00:30:48,240 --> 00:30:50,040
fear and overwhelm and 
uncertainty. 

595
00:30:50,280 --> 00:30:54,280
They don't know what to do. 
You need to be strategic. 

596
00:30:54,480 --> 00:30:58,080
You need to plan. 
So unless safety is an issue, 

597
00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:01,000
like an imminent issue that you 
need to address, then you just 

598
00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:02,880
have to leave. 
Just leave without anything. 

599
00:31:03,790 --> 00:31:06,110
There is no safety issue at the 
moment. 

600
00:31:06,110 --> 00:31:09,830
You need to go into this 
prepared and truthfully again, 

601
00:31:10,230 --> 00:31:13,790
you need to hire somebody like 
me of my caliber who can 

602
00:31:13,870 --> 00:31:17,590
expertly prepare you for the 
exit so that when you actually 

603
00:31:17,830 --> 00:31:21,750
have that talk and leave, you 
have prepared everything. 

604
00:31:21,750 --> 00:31:23,550
You are strategic in your 
thinking. 

605
00:31:23,550 --> 00:31:26,030
You are making decisions based 
on knowledge and not from a 

606
00:31:26,030 --> 00:31:30,670
place of fear so that you can 
exit and then continue on life 

607
00:31:30,710 --> 00:31:32,670
and yes. 
They don't ever change. 

608
00:31:32,670 --> 00:31:34,430
They're going to continue. 
But guess what? 

609
00:31:34,790 --> 00:31:37,510
You will change. 
That's the piece of the equation

610
00:31:37,510 --> 00:31:39,630
that's so important. 
They will never change. 

611
00:31:39,630 --> 00:31:41,630
You can't control them. 
You can't change them. 

612
00:31:41,630 --> 00:31:45,310
Stop focusing on them. 
Put all your focus on you by 

613
00:31:45,310 --> 00:31:49,470
changing your perspective and 
understanding that you have a 

614
00:31:49,470 --> 00:31:52,630
lot more power than you've been 
led to believe and to really 

615
00:31:52,630 --> 00:31:56,910
focus and harness that power and
to come really into your truth 

616
00:31:56,990 --> 00:31:59,510
and your boundaries. 
And again, always thinking 

617
00:31:59,510 --> 00:32:02,990
strategically and planning, not 
living in fear, but anticipating

618
00:32:02,990 --> 00:32:05,190
what's going to come down the 
pipeline and hopefully have 

619
00:32:05,510 --> 00:32:09,910
having done the work beforehand 
to avoid the real big blowouts, 

620
00:32:09,910 --> 00:32:11,710
right. 
There's always going to be fuse.

621
00:32:12,270 --> 00:32:14,950
But again, you learn to not 
engage, right? 

622
00:32:14,990 --> 00:32:17,910
You've been conditioned to 
engage every time they say Boo, 

623
00:32:17,910 --> 00:32:22,270
you say what would you like now 
And if you actually do these 

624
00:32:22,550 --> 00:32:25,710
pieces and you actually are 
strategic in your exit. 

625
00:32:26,460 --> 00:32:33,180
Your chance of surviving and 
thriving exponentially goes up, 

626
00:32:34,020 --> 00:32:39,340
and you can avoid all the issues
that so many people come upon 

627
00:32:39,340 --> 00:32:40,980
because they just don't know, 
right? 

628
00:32:41,220 --> 00:32:44,780
That's why expert support is so 
key, because nobody anticipates 

629
00:32:44,780 --> 00:32:46,580
it getting worse. 
They think that leaving is the 

630
00:32:46,620 --> 00:32:48,940
hardest part and once they 
leave, it's going to get easier.

631
00:32:49,580 --> 00:32:53,930
I'm here to tell you, not as a. 
Debbie Downer or doomsdayer, it 

632
00:32:53,930 --> 00:32:56,730
gets worse. 
It always gets worse before it 

633
00:32:56,730 --> 00:32:59,170
gets better. 
And if you make a plan and 

634
00:32:59,250 --> 00:33:02,570
you're strategic in your exit, 
that you can avoid a lot of 

635
00:33:02,570 --> 00:33:05,130
these pitfalls that so many 
people make. 

636
00:33:05,650 --> 00:33:10,010
And this, I think this is a good
piece for the listener to 

637
00:33:10,010 --> 00:33:12,770
understand. 
So when I was in, again I'm 

638
00:33:12,770 --> 00:33:15,610
using analogy in business world.
I was in corporate sales and I 

639
00:33:15,610 --> 00:33:17,490
had this woman who was with my 
boss. 

640
00:33:17,490 --> 00:33:19,490
She was amazing. 
She probably taught me some of 

641
00:33:19,490 --> 00:33:23,010
the best. 
Sales and business development 

642
00:33:23,010 --> 00:33:28,050
techniques of anyone and one of 
the things she always emphasizes

643
00:33:28,050 --> 00:33:32,290
having cooperation with someone 
in your in my case, when I'm 

644
00:33:32,290 --> 00:33:35,570
trying to deal with even a 
difficult client, if these 

645
00:33:35,650 --> 00:33:39,730
cooperating and maybe a little 
bit personality clash, that's 

646
00:33:39,730 --> 00:33:41,250
one thing. 
There's cooperation. 

647
00:33:41,250 --> 00:33:43,090
We're trying to get something 
done together. 

648
00:33:43,090 --> 00:33:44,410
We're trying to get on the same 
page. 

649
00:33:44,410 --> 00:33:48,730
There might be some negotiation 
differences, but the cooperation

650
00:33:48,730 --> 00:33:50,670
means that I can work with you. 
Right. 

651
00:33:50,870 --> 00:33:53,390
When there's no cooperation, you
hit a wall. 

652
00:33:53,390 --> 00:33:56,390
And then it's sort of like, am I
even wasting my time with this 

653
00:33:56,390 --> 00:33:58,990
client when I could be dealing 
with a client that could be 

654
00:33:58,990 --> 00:34:01,830
cooperating with me? 
So I took that into my personal 

655
00:34:01,830 --> 00:34:03,430
life, right? 
And then personal life. 

656
00:34:04,070 --> 00:34:07,630
If a person does not want to 
cooperate with you, no matter 

657
00:34:07,630 --> 00:34:11,230
how reasonable, like in my case,
like when I was at my worst and 

658
00:34:11,230 --> 00:34:13,510
my relationship when it was at 
its bottom. 

659
00:34:14,030 --> 00:34:18,270
I was £280 from all the binge 
eating and not sleeping and 

660
00:34:18,590 --> 00:34:20,949
running around chasing toddlers 
with no help. 

661
00:34:21,510 --> 00:34:24,750
I felt horrible. 
I used to have to like, hey, I 

662
00:34:24,750 --> 00:34:26,110
haven't had a shower in two 
days. 

663
00:34:26,110 --> 00:34:28,270
Can you watch the kids so I can 
have a shower? 

664
00:34:28,670 --> 00:34:32,070
Oh, maybe when I get back and 
then take off in the car and not

665
00:34:32,070 --> 00:34:34,750
come back for four hours when 
you know what I mean. 

666
00:34:34,870 --> 00:34:36,989
So that they can't even 
cooperate with you. 

667
00:34:36,989 --> 00:34:40,469
And you have like I have a 50 
minute shower, something that 

668
00:34:40,469 --> 00:34:43,190
that's the most reasonable thing
that should be like a. 

669
00:34:43,870 --> 00:34:46,510
Red flag. 
So someone's not cooperating 

670
00:34:46,510 --> 00:34:49,270
with you, right? 
Then you step back and you ask 

671
00:34:49,270 --> 00:34:52,550
her, why are they cooperating 
this to be a jerk, to make my 

672
00:34:52,550 --> 00:34:55,310
life miserable. 
What's the underlining? 

673
00:34:55,310 --> 00:34:55,989
Motive. 
Right. 

674
00:34:55,989 --> 00:34:58,950
So for me, you know, getting 
known that I'm healthy, that's a

675
00:34:58,950 --> 00:35:01,270
huge thing. 
If if I can't get someone to 

676
00:35:01,270 --> 00:35:04,190
cooperate with me, I just okay. 
No, thanks. 

677
00:35:04,870 --> 00:35:06,910
Yeah, You know what I mean? 
And here's The thing is, you 

678
00:35:06,910 --> 00:35:10,430
said something really important 
and this is like a real key 

679
00:35:10,430 --> 00:35:14,850
because your inner health. 
Is manifested in your outward 

680
00:35:14,850 --> 00:35:18,410
health and so many people in 
these relationships, they're 

681
00:35:18,410 --> 00:35:22,730
either too underweight because 
they just can't eat, or they're 

682
00:35:22,730 --> 00:35:29,730
overweight because, again, your 
you are very bottom of the 

683
00:35:29,730 --> 00:35:32,370
equation. 
Your needs come last. 

684
00:35:32,370 --> 00:35:36,010
Your good parents and your 
children come way above you and 

685
00:35:36,010 --> 00:35:38,990
your. 
Unhealthy, toxic, abusive spouse

686
00:35:38,990 --> 00:35:42,630
comes above them, right? 
So you have no time and you have

687
00:35:42,630 --> 00:35:45,590
no passions and you have no 
hobbies, and you are probably 

688
00:35:45,630 --> 00:35:47,910
isolated and don't feel good 
about yourself. 

689
00:35:47,910 --> 00:35:50,310
You've been conditioned to 
believe what they're saying to 

690
00:35:50,310 --> 00:35:53,430
you, which is that you are 
subpar in every single way. 

691
00:35:54,490 --> 00:35:57,170
And even if you go into this 
type of relationship again, so 

692
00:35:57,170 --> 00:35:59,890
many people think it's weak, 
people that are attracted to 

693
00:35:59,890 --> 00:36:02,810
these people. 
I'm here to tell you that people

694
00:36:02,810 --> 00:36:06,530
from very healthy families who 
were raised in a loving home, 

695
00:36:06,530 --> 00:36:10,050
people who are very educated and
successful and beautiful and 

696
00:36:10,050 --> 00:36:14,450
handsome and and charming. 
They fall prey to these people. 

697
00:36:15,130 --> 00:36:18,330
So it's not just the week, but 
you're conditioned overtime to 

698
00:36:18,330 --> 00:36:21,890
simply submit. 
It's easier to go along and get 

699
00:36:21,890 --> 00:36:23,770
along than it is to put up a 
fight. 

700
00:36:24,240 --> 00:36:27,200
And so your health at the end of
it, your mental health, your 

701
00:36:27,200 --> 00:36:30,280
emotional health, your spiritual
health, your relational health, 

702
00:36:30,640 --> 00:36:32,880
and your physical health will 
all suffer. 

703
00:36:33,160 --> 00:36:35,960
You might have sleeping issues. 
Your hair might fall out. 

704
00:36:35,960 --> 00:36:39,480
You might have eczema. 
You might have thyroid issues. 

705
00:36:39,480 --> 00:36:41,640
You might have irritable bowel 
syndrome. 

706
00:36:41,680 --> 00:36:45,680
All these things are signs. 
That your environment is toxic 

707
00:36:45,720 --> 00:36:49,520
and the only way to thrive is to
remove yourself from the 

708
00:36:49,520 --> 00:36:50,960
toxicity. 
That's it. 

709
00:36:51,000 --> 00:36:52,800
You can't survive. 
Cancer. 

710
00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:55,320
I can't emphasize it. 
It's like cancer rely from the. 

711
00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:57,400
Inside out. 
Yeah, absolutely. 

712
00:36:57,400 --> 00:37:00,440
Stress kills chronic stress in 
your entire relationship. 

713
00:37:00,600 --> 00:37:04,240
Even when it's good, it's still 
stressful because you know at 

714
00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:07,800
any given moment the good times 
might come to an abrupt end. 

715
00:37:08,410 --> 00:37:11,250
And the monster that you've been
conditioned to see will rear its

716
00:37:11,250 --> 00:37:12,810
head. 
For whatever reason, you put the

717
00:37:12,810 --> 00:37:15,570
cutlery wrong on the table. 
You didn't bathe the kids with 

718
00:37:15,570 --> 00:37:19,250
the right bubble bath. 
You forgot to compliment them on

719
00:37:19,250 --> 00:37:22,650
their new haircut, right? 
So even when it's good, it's 

720
00:37:22,650 --> 00:37:25,690
still bad and still stressful. 
You're waiting with bated breath

721
00:37:25,690 --> 00:37:29,490
for the okay. 
Now this is the person that I've

722
00:37:29,490 --> 00:37:33,170
gotten used to right, the person
who belittles me and criticizes 

723
00:37:33,170 --> 00:37:34,890
me. 
And sometimes they don't even 

724
00:37:34,890 --> 00:37:38,050
have to say horrible things. 
It's lace to me in like a joke. 

725
00:37:38,450 --> 00:37:41,370
Right, for sure. 
Yeah, it's my comments or. 

726
00:37:41,530 --> 00:37:43,410
Right. 
And then and then if you don't 

727
00:37:43,410 --> 00:37:46,210
laugh because it's not funny and
it's hurtful and you feel hurt, 

728
00:37:46,690 --> 00:37:49,330
they say things like you just 
can't take a joke, you're so. 

729
00:37:49,650 --> 00:37:51,890
Sexy. 
You have low self esteem you 

730
00:37:51,890 --> 00:37:53,490
should really go to therapy to 
address. 

731
00:37:53,490 --> 00:37:56,210
That, you know, they're always 
good at diagnosing stuff as 

732
00:37:56,210 --> 00:37:58,490
well, right? 
Which is kind of, I find, I find

733
00:37:58,490 --> 00:38:00,170
that pattern. 
Really. 

734
00:38:00,170 --> 00:38:01,490
No way. 
I've got depression. 

735
00:38:01,490 --> 00:38:03,250
Yeah. 
For the likes of you. 

736
00:38:05,190 --> 00:38:08,430
So many people develop anxiety 
and depression because of these 

737
00:38:08,470 --> 00:38:11,390
relationships, right? 
These relationships cause all 

738
00:38:11,390 --> 00:38:15,590
sorts of chronic health issues 
that don't totally what you 

739
00:38:15,590 --> 00:38:18,350
mean, right? 
If you don't address the stress 

740
00:38:18,430 --> 00:38:20,910
through your divorce and your 
separation, and you don't create

741
00:38:20,910 --> 00:38:24,990
strong boundaries and seek to 
heal yourself, the stress will 

742
00:38:24,990 --> 00:38:27,550
literally kill you. 
People get very sick. 

743
00:38:28,070 --> 00:38:31,830
If someone starved of affection,
let's say, you know, in case 

744
00:38:31,830 --> 00:38:34,870
like, you know, you haven't had 
any embassy for three months, 

745
00:38:34,870 --> 00:38:39,510
it's just been fighting, it's 
crazy, it's this insult and then

746
00:38:39,510 --> 00:38:42,350
that person can turn on the 
charm like a fire hose and 

747
00:38:42,350 --> 00:38:44,870
that's like a drug, right? 
You know, I'm sure I've been 

748
00:38:44,870 --> 00:38:48,470
under so much stress and. 
You know, the excuses even sound

749
00:38:48,470 --> 00:38:52,070
reasonable at the time. 
And and, and, and for my case, 

750
00:38:52,070 --> 00:38:54,510
right, I didn't even want like, 
even like. 

751
00:38:54,510 --> 00:38:56,310
I wasn't even looking for that. 
In the end. 

752
00:38:56,310 --> 00:38:58,590
I just wanted normalcy. 
Just like what? 

753
00:38:58,590 --> 00:39:01,470
What would be just like the most
basic. 

754
00:39:02,820 --> 00:39:07,420
You know standard of coexisting 
with now this high bar, it was 

755
00:39:07,420 --> 00:39:11,140
this high watermark right? 
Where I'm so underwater and like

756
00:39:11,140 --> 00:39:13,380
the condition. 
The discussion, right? 

757
00:39:13,540 --> 00:39:17,460
So yes, you're no longer asking 
for like, hand holding, like for

758
00:39:17,460 --> 00:39:19,740
your specific love language to 
be met. 

759
00:39:19,740 --> 00:39:23,060
You're just asking for basic 
human decency. 

760
00:39:23,060 --> 00:39:24,300
Yeah. 
Decency, yeah. 

761
00:39:25,160 --> 00:39:28,200
Is like asking for the world, 
right? 

762
00:39:28,360 --> 00:39:31,240
And aren't you happy? 
I provide for you, or I do so 

763
00:39:31,600 --> 00:39:37,120
much and I'm here. 
And so you become accepted of 

764
00:39:37,120 --> 00:39:39,680
the bread crumbs and they become
a feast for you because you're 

765
00:39:39,680 --> 00:39:42,160
ravenous. 
You would not have accepted this

766
00:39:42,360 --> 00:39:43,640
in your prior life. 
You would. 

767
00:39:43,640 --> 00:39:45,760
Have been like, absolutely. 
Not right. 

768
00:39:46,120 --> 00:39:49,360
But you've been conditioned. 
They don't start out this way. 

769
00:39:50,120 --> 00:39:53,140
And they. 
They start out mirroring what 

770
00:39:53,140 --> 00:39:55,620
you like, Love bombing, future 
faking. 

771
00:39:55,620 --> 00:39:58,700
They really, really pay 
attention to you and what you're

772
00:39:58,700 --> 00:40:01,180
saying. 
If you want a big family, guess 

773
00:40:01,180 --> 00:40:01,980
what? 
They want a big. 

774
00:40:02,020 --> 00:40:04,660
Family all their life, yeah. 
That's what they believe in. 

775
00:40:04,660 --> 00:40:06,140
Loyalty. 
If you like the color pink, 

776
00:40:06,140 --> 00:40:07,100
guess what? 
Oh my gosh. 

777
00:40:07,180 --> 00:40:08,780
Oh, my favorite color color is 
the. 

778
00:40:09,220 --> 00:40:10,660
Color pink too? 
Yeah. 

779
00:40:10,900 --> 00:40:14,180
Everything that you say they 
pick up and they pay attention 

780
00:40:14,180 --> 00:40:16,980
to. 
They are stalking you like prey.

781
00:40:17,470 --> 00:40:19,710
They are the prey, you. 
Are the prey, and they're 

782
00:40:19,710 --> 00:40:23,030
picking up on all your micro 
cues as to what makes. 

783
00:40:23,030 --> 00:40:24,950
What's important to you? 
Right. 

784
00:40:25,190 --> 00:40:27,190
And then they mirror that back 
to you, so you're actually 

785
00:40:27,190 --> 00:40:29,270
falling in love with yourself. 
So strange. 

786
00:40:29,590 --> 00:40:31,910
That's how awesome you are. 
Yeah, so. 

787
00:40:31,910 --> 00:40:35,030
Awesome at the beginning that 
this person is mirroring back 

788
00:40:35,030 --> 00:40:37,550
and you're thinking, wow, that 
person's really awesome because 

789
00:40:37,550 --> 00:40:41,630
you're awesome and overtime they
gradually decrease. 

790
00:40:42,240 --> 00:40:45,760
All of their attention and 
affection, they start to ghost 

791
00:40:45,760 --> 00:40:49,440
you, so you work harder. 
Yeah, or the what they call the 

792
00:40:49,440 --> 00:40:51,840
yo yoing. 
I've been seeing this, this 

793
00:40:51,840 --> 00:40:54,560
phenomena where it's like they 
pop in your life, everything's 

794
00:40:54,560 --> 00:40:56,960
all cheery. 
Communicate with them again. 

795
00:40:57,080 --> 00:40:59,840
Oh, you're too shitty. 
You're terrible, OK? 

796
00:41:00,320 --> 00:41:02,120
Yeah. 
In the industry, if you have no 

797
00:41:02,120 --> 00:41:04,880
children attached and you 
divorce or you separate or you 

798
00:41:04,920 --> 00:41:07,720
and the relationship, you go 
like cold Turkey. 

799
00:41:07,720 --> 00:41:10,800
There's zero communication, 
right, Because anytime they get 

800
00:41:10,800 --> 00:41:14,280
to infiltrate you. 
You are literally coming off of 

801
00:41:14,280 --> 00:41:17,320
the high of a drug. 
You're addicted to the cycle of 

802
00:41:17,320 --> 00:41:19,640
abuse, as as sick as that 
sounds. 

803
00:41:19,920 --> 00:41:21,720
You are addicted to the highs 
and the lows. 

804
00:41:21,720 --> 00:41:26,120
Your body responds by releasing 
chemicals that feel good. 

805
00:41:26,160 --> 00:41:26,960
Right. 
Yeah, so. 

806
00:41:26,960 --> 00:41:30,920
You literally are addicted to 
them, so leaving them is like 

807
00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:34,320
cutting a habit cold Turkey. 
It's like ending your heroin 

808
00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:37,600
addict love affair with heroin 
or cocaine or whatever. 

809
00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:39,480
Your drug of choices is the 
same. 

810
00:41:39,480 --> 00:41:42,160
You'll go through withdrawal 
symptoms, which is why people. 

811
00:41:42,280 --> 00:41:45,600
Did I make the right choice 
person who then tries to love 

812
00:41:45,600 --> 00:41:48,480
bomb you back into the fold and 
they're saying all the right 

813
00:41:48,480 --> 00:41:51,640
things and you're thinking, oh, 
that feels really good, yeah. 

814
00:41:52,400 --> 00:41:55,160
You said though, you said 
something very important, right?

815
00:41:55,160 --> 00:41:56,880
And they were just preferencing 
it again. 

816
00:41:57,040 --> 00:42:00,040
Glad I don't do online dating. 
It would just seem like a bloody

817
00:42:00,040 --> 00:42:02,440
nightmare. 
I just would have zero patience 

818
00:42:02,440 --> 00:42:04,280
for it. 
Dream. 

819
00:42:04,640 --> 00:42:09,400
Area but it's it's a blunt stage
in my life right. 

820
00:42:09,400 --> 00:42:12,160
I just, you know, I just, I I 
couldn't do, I don't know. 

821
00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:13,720
Just that's another 
conversation. 

822
00:42:13,720 --> 00:42:16,920
But anyways, so like, maybe I'll
give an example. 

823
00:42:16,960 --> 00:42:20,480
Before I met and Alex. 
Before I met Alexandra, working 

824
00:42:20,480 --> 00:42:23,600
at an amazing job downtown, had 
a fancy job. 

825
00:42:23,600 --> 00:42:26,000
I was making good money. 
I had a place in kits, you know,

826
00:42:26,000 --> 00:42:29,480
everything perfect on paper. 
So OK, well, I'm single. 

827
00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:32,960
I'm going to go on some dates. 
Every day that I went to was 

828
00:42:32,960 --> 00:42:37,640
just, you know, nice on paper, 
attractive of in photo, but just

829
00:42:37,640 --> 00:42:41,590
like the most. 
Bland personality show up or or 

830
00:42:41,590 --> 00:42:43,790
or My favorite one. 
This is this one's funny. 

831
00:42:44,070 --> 00:42:46,950
I go on a date for lady first 
date. 

832
00:42:47,990 --> 00:42:51,830
All she would talk about is how 
her friend went on a first date 

833
00:42:51,870 --> 00:42:56,630
and the guy bought her a $5000 
coach purse this but kept going 

834
00:42:56,630 --> 00:42:59,670
back to that subject. 
Oh it shows such a nice purse. 

835
00:42:59,990 --> 00:43:03,790
So I just looked at her point 
blank and said okay, I'll buy 

836
00:43:03,790 --> 00:43:06,270
you the I'll buy you the purse. 
However, I want you to do 

837
00:43:06,270 --> 00:43:10,950
something in return. 
I want you to donate $500 to a 

838
00:43:10,950 --> 00:43:14,350
food bank and I'll buy you a 
$5000 purse. 

839
00:43:14,550 --> 00:43:17,670
She looked at me like home when 
I get $500. 

840
00:43:18,670 --> 00:43:19,990
Oh, you want go? 
Hey, fine. 

841
00:43:19,990 --> 00:43:21,670
That's my offer. 
Take it or leave it. 

842
00:43:21,950 --> 00:43:24,950
Never talk to her ever again. 
So then you meet someone that 

843
00:43:25,310 --> 00:43:26,670
doesn't care about all that 
stuff. 

844
00:43:26,670 --> 00:43:29,830
They like you like. 
You said you like coffee. 

845
00:43:29,830 --> 00:43:32,430
They're a coffee connoisseur, 
you know what I mean? 

846
00:43:32,430 --> 00:43:34,510
We're into work and oh, they 
want to get through. 

847
00:43:35,360 --> 00:43:38,520
Of really horrible dates and 
experiences. 

848
00:43:38,960 --> 00:43:40,600
And you can meet this weekend, 
right? 

849
00:43:41,080 --> 00:43:42,800
And they are attractive to your 
eye. 

850
00:43:42,800 --> 00:43:45,640
First of all, because we're all 
people who look at people and 

851
00:43:45,640 --> 00:43:48,160
think, oh, that's a tasty 
looking cupcake, right? 

852
00:43:48,360 --> 00:43:50,000
The frosting looks really great,
right? 

853
00:43:50,480 --> 00:43:52,960
And then you start to peel back 
the layers of the frosting and, 

854
00:43:52,960 --> 00:43:54,720
oh, the cake is kind of 
delicious too, right? 

855
00:43:54,720 --> 00:43:56,280
They're saying all the things 
that I like. 

856
00:43:56,280 --> 00:43:59,200
They like all the same things. 
We have a lot in common. 

857
00:43:59,840 --> 00:44:03,000
Wow. 
In this desert of dating, I 

858
00:44:03,520 --> 00:44:07,200
found the Oasis. 
Yeah, somebody enjoyed being 

859
00:44:07,400 --> 00:44:11,120
time with, you know, just doing,
doing like this normal every 

860
00:44:11,120 --> 00:44:12,440
day. 
Oh, it's hanging out the beach, 

861
00:44:12,440 --> 00:44:14,840
watching the sunset where the 
other person's like, well, the 

862
00:44:14,840 --> 00:44:19,240
last boyfriend bought me a $500 
bottle of tequila or whatever 

863
00:44:19,240 --> 00:44:21,640
there was like, I felt like it 
went on a lot of dates. 

864
00:44:21,640 --> 00:44:24,440
No matter what you did from, 
they'd always mentioned what 

865
00:44:24,440 --> 00:44:27,080
someone else oh, like even this 
person who he met, a person 

866
00:44:27,080 --> 00:44:29,280
that's in venture capitalism. 
They went on their first date. 

867
00:44:29,280 --> 00:44:32,520
They went on a private jet. 
Oh, that's wonderful for this 

868
00:44:32,520 --> 00:44:35,600
invisible person I never met. 
Thank you for bringing it up 

869
00:44:35,680 --> 00:44:38,400
right on a first. 
Person who who is the predator 

870
00:44:38,400 --> 00:44:41,200
will pay attention, if that's 
important to you, of being the 

871
00:44:41,200 --> 00:44:44,480
person who buys your partner 
these beautiful things as a 

872
00:44:44,760 --> 00:44:48,160
show, like look at me. 
I'm so amazing and I can take 

873
00:44:48,160 --> 00:44:50,480
care of people that I can. 
I will. 

874
00:44:50,480 --> 00:44:53,320
I'll buy you the Ferrari and 
I'll buy you the Louis Vuitton 

875
00:44:53,320 --> 00:44:56,400
and I will put the Rolex on your
wrist tonight. 

876
00:44:56,480 --> 00:44:59,440
Right, because I take great 
pleasure in the outward 

877
00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:00,720
displays. 
But if you. 

878
00:45:00,800 --> 00:45:03,520
Come across the person who might
have the trappings of success, 

879
00:45:03,520 --> 00:45:06,360
but you're really humble and 
you're really just about 

880
00:45:06,360 --> 00:45:09,240
smelling the roses and the 
venusia and life, right? 

881
00:45:09,240 --> 00:45:11,440
Finding the happiness in the 
small things. 

882
00:45:11,880 --> 00:45:14,560
That person who would really 
like you to buy them a 

883
00:45:14,560 --> 00:45:17,240
Lamborghini, by the way, and the
purse and the big house. 

884
00:45:17,240 --> 00:45:19,120
And because they're all about 
money. 

885
00:45:19,690 --> 00:45:23,730
Will hone in on the humility and
really like to do simple things 

886
00:45:23,730 --> 00:45:27,370
and picnics at the beach with 
homemade things and does not 

887
00:45:27,370 --> 00:45:31,610
require a lot of money and shops
that value village because why 

888
00:45:31,610 --> 00:45:35,730
buy new when I can save the 
planet by buying used, right? 

889
00:45:36,250 --> 00:45:38,210
Altruistic. 
Yes. 

890
00:45:38,510 --> 00:45:40,830
Yes, right. 
They, they know exactly how to 

891
00:45:40,830 --> 00:45:42,790
manipulate. 
Because again, a lot of these 

892
00:45:42,790 --> 00:45:46,190
people, not all, but a lot of 
these people have adapted this 

893
00:45:46,190 --> 00:45:49,910
way as a maladaptive coping 
mechanism to trauma and 

894
00:45:49,910 --> 00:45:51,070
childhood. 
Not all. 

895
00:45:51,070 --> 00:45:53,670
Some of them are just raised to 
the entitled people who take, 

896
00:45:53,670 --> 00:45:55,110
take, take and don't give, give,
give. 

897
00:45:55,190 --> 00:45:58,910
So many have adapted this way. 
So the older they are, the more.

898
00:45:59,630 --> 00:46:02,630
Expert they become at 
manipulating people, at greeting

899
00:46:02,790 --> 00:46:04,390
people. 
They're really good poker 

900
00:46:04,390 --> 00:46:07,110
players, by the way. 
They can kill your cues, right? 

901
00:46:07,390 --> 00:46:09,910
They look at you and see like, 
oh, he didn't say that. 

902
00:46:09,910 --> 00:46:12,150
That's really important to him, 
but his eyes lit up when he 

903
00:46:12,150 --> 00:46:13,350
talked about children. 
Right. 

904
00:46:13,350 --> 00:46:15,990
So he might want to be a dad. 
I'm going to talk about that 

905
00:46:15,990 --> 00:46:17,510
right now. 
I've always wanted to have a 

906
00:46:17,510 --> 00:46:19,790
family. 
They're really good at doing 

907
00:46:19,790 --> 00:46:21,550
that. 
And so all of a sudden you get 

908
00:46:21,550 --> 00:46:24,510
this beautiful person who is 
saying all the right things and 

909
00:46:24,510 --> 00:46:25,970
you're. 
Charmed. 

910
00:46:25,970 --> 00:46:27,890
And then they keep reeling you 
in, right? 

911
00:46:27,930 --> 00:46:29,890
It's not like they become 
horrible the next day. 

912
00:46:30,050 --> 00:46:31,410
No, they. 
Keep showing you. 

913
00:46:31,410 --> 00:46:33,370
They keep presenting. 
They're like Peacocks. 

914
00:46:33,370 --> 00:46:35,570
They're showing you their 
beautiful foliage. 

915
00:46:35,690 --> 00:46:37,730
You're thinking, wow, this 
person like every day. 

916
00:46:37,730 --> 00:46:39,890
It's just better. 
They're really giving. 

917
00:46:39,890 --> 00:46:42,610
They ask about my day. 
They're really involved in my 

918
00:46:42,610 --> 00:46:44,650
feelings. 
They're doing all the right 

919
00:46:44,650 --> 00:46:46,970
things. 
It's once you're hooked in and 

920
00:46:46,970 --> 00:46:49,250
you're attached to them, you're 
trauma bonded that then they 

921
00:46:49,250 --> 00:46:51,810
start to deplete you of all 
that's good, yeah. 

922
00:46:51,850 --> 00:46:55,450
Yeah, here comes a mask and the 
first kind of like, whoa, what? 

923
00:46:55,570 --> 00:46:58,410
And they'll test you along the 
way right with small things to 

924
00:46:58,410 --> 00:47:02,100
see how far they can push you. 
Where is your boundary edge? 

925
00:47:02,140 --> 00:47:02,820
Right. 
Yes. 

926
00:47:02,820 --> 00:47:05,420
And then when they get too far, 
they'll reel it back in and then

927
00:47:05,420 --> 00:47:07,980
again say all the right things 
to get you like okay. 

928
00:47:07,980 --> 00:47:09,620
Well, they were just having a 
bad day today. 

929
00:47:09,740 --> 00:47:12,300
That's not who they really are. 
For sure. 

930
00:47:12,700 --> 00:47:16,860
So again, I bring this stuff up 
because again, I like to think 

931
00:47:16,860 --> 00:47:19,710
I'm a pretty. 
Clever, capable person. 

932
00:47:19,710 --> 00:47:22,950
But again, I can have, I've been
in toxic relationships and like 

933
00:47:22,950 --> 00:47:24,950
you said, they do not start off 
that way. 

934
00:47:25,270 --> 00:47:27,670
And then sometimes too, and I 
think this is important too, 

935
00:47:27,670 --> 00:47:30,670
when I look back at some of my 
other relationships that were 

936
00:47:30,670 --> 00:47:33,870
toxic, I wasn't at a good place 
myself. 

937
00:47:34,350 --> 00:47:37,630
You know, I was going through 
stuff, maybe rebounding maybe, 

938
00:47:37,630 --> 00:47:41,630
you know, life and then I 
sometimes that that you attract 

939
00:47:41,630 --> 00:47:44,310
to kind of like who you are a 
little bit too, if that makes 

940
00:47:44,430 --> 00:47:46,590
sense, right. 
Yeah, which is why when you 

941
00:47:46,670 --> 00:47:47,950
leave these kind of 
relationships. 

942
00:47:48,460 --> 00:47:49,860
Truly, and people do it 
backwards. 

943
00:47:49,860 --> 00:47:51,660
They put their kids first and 
not themselves. 

944
00:47:51,660 --> 00:47:55,060
But you have to put on your own 
oxygen mask first. 

945
00:47:55,460 --> 00:47:59,420
If you don't, put yourself 1st 
and take excellent care of 

946
00:47:59,420 --> 00:48:02,500
yourself on every level. 
Emotional like therapy, 

947
00:48:02,860 --> 00:48:04,140
physical. 
Really. 

948
00:48:04,140 --> 00:48:06,940
Pump yourself full of good 
supplements and good nutrients 

949
00:48:06,940 --> 00:48:09,740
and move your body. 
Doesn't have to be you know. 

950
00:48:10,280 --> 00:48:12,480
Expensive gyms. 
It can just be going for walks. 

951
00:48:12,480 --> 00:48:13,880
Work out at home. 
Right. 

952
00:48:14,280 --> 00:48:17,800
Whatever it is that brings you 
joy in movement, whatever that 

953
00:48:17,800 --> 00:48:19,040
is, right? 
Do that. 

954
00:48:19,040 --> 00:48:21,800
Connect with your people because
you've been isolated, right? 

955
00:48:21,800 --> 00:48:25,480
Even if they haven't taken you 
away from your community, I can 

956
00:48:25,480 --> 00:48:27,680
guarantee you're not telling 
your friends and your family how

957
00:48:27,680 --> 00:48:29,240
this person is treating you 
horribly. 

958
00:48:29,280 --> 00:48:31,560
Everybody feels guilt and shame,
right? 

959
00:48:31,560 --> 00:48:33,720
So they minimize. 
Absolutely what's going on? 

960
00:48:34,640 --> 00:48:36,240
Absolutely it is. 
Because you think through the 

961
00:48:36,240 --> 00:48:39,200
bear thing happen. 
For sure. 

962
00:48:39,200 --> 00:48:41,920
For me it was embarrassing. 
It was humiliating looking in 

963
00:48:41,920 --> 00:48:44,480
the mirror, not even recognize 
who I was. 

964
00:48:44,480 --> 00:48:48,360
And for me, just so you know, 
personally, for me, until I got 

965
00:48:48,360 --> 00:48:51,360
control over my health, like 
when, when, when it got to the 

966
00:48:51,360 --> 00:48:55,320
point where I was feeling like 
okay, I came close to having a 

967
00:48:55,320 --> 00:48:58,200
heart attack couple of times, 
including having the fire trucks

968
00:48:58,200 --> 00:49:01,200
come to my house and taken to 
the hospital. 

969
00:49:02,090 --> 00:49:03,570
That was a pretty wake up call 
for me. 

970
00:49:03,570 --> 00:49:06,650
So for me, it was like I gotta 
regain control of my health 

971
00:49:06,650 --> 00:49:07,930
again. 
So I just started eating as 

972
00:49:07,930 --> 00:49:11,090
healthy can vitamins, you know, 
because I knew that would 

973
00:49:11,090 --> 00:49:13,810
mitigate the stress, right? 
For me, it was getting control 

974
00:49:13,810 --> 00:49:15,570
back on the health. 
And then of course, you know, I 

975
00:49:15,570 --> 00:49:17,090
gotta accuse it. 
You're just a narcissist. 

976
00:49:17,090 --> 00:49:20,490
You're just so into yourself, 
right? 

977
00:49:20,650 --> 00:49:22,130
So I just like you. 
Well, guess what? 

978
00:49:22,130 --> 00:49:24,170
After you, I don't care. 
Rejection, Right. 

979
00:49:24,170 --> 00:49:27,370
They will never say that they 
are that type of person, but 

980
00:49:27,370 --> 00:49:29,850
that's what they're saying. 
To you totally right. 

981
00:49:30,990 --> 00:49:34,150
To their accusations. 
Their accusations are the 

982
00:49:34,150 --> 00:49:36,790
closest you're ever gonna get to
a confession. 

983
00:49:36,830 --> 00:49:39,870
So if they accuse you of 
cheating, guess who's cheating? 

984
00:49:39,870 --> 00:49:43,070
If they accuse you of being an 
abuser, guess who's an abuser? 

985
00:49:43,070 --> 00:49:47,190
If they accuse you of anything, 
that's what they're doing. 

986
00:49:47,230 --> 00:49:51,230
Again, they're so paranoid and 
anything that takes attention 

987
00:49:51,230 --> 00:49:53,550
off of them. 
So how dare you, Mark put 

988
00:49:53,550 --> 00:49:55,670
attention on yourself? 
I know attention. 

989
00:49:56,130 --> 00:49:58,650
On yourself. 
It means that you have less time

990
00:49:58,890 --> 00:50:00,450
to put on to her. 
Right. 

991
00:50:00,530 --> 00:50:02,370
Yes, absolutely. 
Totally. 

992
00:50:02,370 --> 00:50:06,370
Your entire world should be 
about serving this person to the

993
00:50:06,370 --> 00:50:08,650
best of your ability. 
Exactly. 

994
00:50:08,650 --> 00:50:13,130
No, I agree 100% your services, 
because I do feel from all the 

995
00:50:13,130 --> 00:50:16,770
conversations we've had and then
my research and even with other 

996
00:50:16,770 --> 00:50:20,810
guests is that more and more I 
understand the importance of 

997
00:50:20,810 --> 00:50:25,050
having your services right. 
Because again, this is the most 

998
00:50:25,050 --> 00:50:27,610
treacherous things I've in my 
lifetime. 

999
00:50:27,610 --> 00:50:29,730
I'm just saying I've been 
through a lot of stuff in my 

1000
00:50:29,730 --> 00:50:34,330
life. 
Nothing came close to the 

1001
00:50:34,330 --> 00:50:37,770
destruction of me than this in 
my life. 

1002
00:50:38,590 --> 00:50:40,830
And and going into it acted to 
happen to you. 

1003
00:50:40,830 --> 00:50:43,510
So it's not like you have a big 
thick handbook on how to deal 

1004
00:50:43,510 --> 00:50:46,590
with narcissist the size of a 
phone book or information 

1005
00:50:46,590 --> 00:50:48,230
online. 
But, you know, not all the 

1006
00:50:48,230 --> 00:50:51,590
information online is good. 
And in my opinion, I feel that 

1007
00:50:51,590 --> 00:50:54,590
sometimes narcissism is used too
much of an umbrella term. 

1008
00:50:54,590 --> 00:50:57,270
You know what I mean? 
I use it sometimes as a catchall

1009
00:50:57,270 --> 00:51:00,550
phrase for this shitty behavior.
Excuse my language, right? 

1010
00:51:00,630 --> 00:51:03,910
Yeah, but but at the same time, 
you know, there are people on 

1011
00:51:03,910 --> 00:51:06,960
this, on this spectrum. 
Some of them are psychopaths, 

1012
00:51:06,960 --> 00:51:09,800
some are borderline personality.
Sometimes it's just just, you 

1013
00:51:09,800 --> 00:51:13,480
know, bad wiring, brain damage. 
It could be a multiple reasons 

1014
00:51:13,480 --> 00:51:17,800
why someone has ill behavior. 
But however bad behavior that's 

1015
00:51:17,800 --> 00:51:21,080
unchecked, that's projected on 
you in a partner type of 

1016
00:51:21,080 --> 00:51:24,240
relationship where you're 
supposed to feel safe and secure

1017
00:51:24,240 --> 00:51:27,040
and you know all your resources 
are all pulled together for your

1018
00:51:27,040 --> 00:51:31,600
family and it's like there's 
nothing in the world that 

1019
00:51:31,600 --> 00:51:36,870
prepared me for that. 
So maybe let's break down the 

1020
00:51:36,870 --> 00:51:40,270
the type of things that you can 
do and then the most, the most 

1021
00:51:40,270 --> 00:51:43,390
extreme and then on like the 
lighter spectrum that that you 

1022
00:51:43,390 --> 00:51:46,070
can help people with. 
Because I think it's important 

1023
00:51:46,070 --> 00:51:48,750
for another reason too. 
You're also like a a witness, 

1024
00:51:48,750 --> 00:51:50,150
like a third party that's going 
on. 

1025
00:51:50,150 --> 00:51:53,390
So it's not like older mother 
seeing the stuff or their 

1026
00:51:53,390 --> 00:51:55,710
brother. 
It's someone saying, no, I've 

1027
00:51:55,710 --> 00:51:57,870
actually seen this person being 
abused. 

1028
00:51:58,030 --> 00:52:00,790
They are, you know what I mean? 
I think that's powerful too. 

1029
00:52:01,260 --> 00:52:05,580
So I think, depending on what 
kind of abuse you're injuring, I

1030
00:52:05,580 --> 00:52:09,100
think all people have emotional 
abuse. 

1031
00:52:09,380 --> 00:52:11,340
Even if there isn't always the 
physical. 

1032
00:52:11,340 --> 00:52:13,940
There's certainly the emotional,
but if you have the physical, 

1033
00:52:13,940 --> 00:52:16,580
there's also the emotional. 
I I haven't seen a case yet 

1034
00:52:16,580 --> 00:52:21,260
where the two are divorced if 
you have physical abuse. 

1035
00:52:21,800 --> 00:52:26,280
I always recommend that people 
find a domestic violence worker,

1036
00:52:26,280 --> 00:52:29,360
which you typically get when 
you've had to use the police to 

1037
00:52:29,360 --> 00:52:33,280
mitigate the abuse, right. 
So the police are called, yeah, 

1038
00:52:33,560 --> 00:52:37,520
they will connect you with a 
person who can guide you from 

1039
00:52:37,520 --> 00:52:42,680
that end. 
What I do is blanket help for 

1040
00:52:42,720 --> 00:52:46,720
everybody in this area, and I 
have clients who come to me at 

1041
00:52:46,760 --> 00:52:49,520
all parts of their separation 
process. 

1042
00:52:50,340 --> 00:52:54,260
And so that is really effective,
but it's really hard to undo 

1043
00:52:54,260 --> 00:52:58,300
damage that's already been done.
So I can be still very effective

1044
00:52:58,300 --> 00:53:01,140
and I do have lots of clients 
who are divorced and still 

1045
00:53:01,140 --> 00:53:03,860
utilizing my services or come to
me after their divorce and I 

1046
00:53:03,860 --> 00:53:06,380
help them that way. 
But what I have realized in my 

1047
00:53:06,380 --> 00:53:09,380
time is that there needs to be 
more preventative approach. 

1048
00:53:09,380 --> 00:53:12,540
And so I've created like we've 
talked about my 12 week program 

1049
00:53:12,900 --> 00:53:16,060
and that is taking a person who 
is ready to leave but doesn't 

1050
00:53:16,060 --> 00:53:20,120
know how to make that happen. 
And in the 12 weeks I front load

1051
00:53:20,120 --> 00:53:23,120
you with all the information, I 
literally hold your hand. 

1052
00:53:23,120 --> 00:53:26,440
So you you see me every week for
an hour and a half of private 

1053
00:53:26,440 --> 00:53:30,280
consultation and I literally 
walk you through every step. 

1054
00:53:30,280 --> 00:53:32,560
So it's 3 stages. 
The first stage is the plan. 

1055
00:53:33,040 --> 00:53:34,840
And so I help you prepare to 
leave. 

1056
00:53:34,840 --> 00:53:37,960
I help you hire your lawyer and 
how to utilize your lawyer. 

1057
00:53:37,960 --> 00:53:40,600
I help you have the talk with 
your spouse if safety is not an 

1058
00:53:40,600 --> 00:53:44,360
issue, and then the talk with 
your children and I equip you 

1059
00:53:44,360 --> 00:53:47,440
with the post separation abuse 
spectrum so that you know what 

1060
00:53:47,440 --> 00:53:49,640
you're getting into. 
I truly believe that knowledge 

1061
00:53:49,640 --> 00:53:50,840
is power. 
So that's stage one. 

1062
00:53:51,200 --> 00:53:54,720
Stage two is the legal stuff and
that's called the strategy and 

1063
00:53:54,720 --> 00:53:57,080
that's where you learn to create
a good parenting plan. 

1064
00:53:57,080 --> 00:53:58,880
You learn to prepare for court 
and mediation. 

1065
00:53:58,880 --> 00:54:01,520
Remember, we talked about 
preparation as key people who go

1066
00:54:01,560 --> 00:54:03,560
in like lambs to slaughter. 
Get slaughtered. 

1067
00:54:04,200 --> 00:54:07,160
So I prepare you for that stuff.
I teach you how to document 

1068
00:54:07,160 --> 00:54:08,920
effectively. 
I teach you how to communicate 

1069
00:54:08,920 --> 00:54:11,760
effectively so that you can then
document that communication 

1070
00:54:11,800 --> 00:54:14,400
effectively. 
And the most important part? 

1071
00:54:15,240 --> 00:54:17,640
That's the end of the program. 
Stage 3, which is the 

1072
00:54:17,640 --> 00:54:20,640
implementation, is where you 
learn to protect yourself, your 

1073
00:54:20,640 --> 00:54:22,960
family, your home, and your 
children. 

1074
00:54:23,630 --> 00:54:25,550
Because they will always go 
after your kids. 

1075
00:54:25,550 --> 00:54:28,390
And nobody wants to tear this, 
Nobody wants to believe this. 

1076
00:54:28,430 --> 00:54:32,430
But as you and I both know, 
yeah, that is the ultimate way 

1077
00:54:32,430 --> 00:54:35,510
to hurt a healthy protective 
parent is by going after the 

1078
00:54:35,510 --> 00:54:37,550
children. 
Oh, and so I teach you how to 

1079
00:54:37,550 --> 00:54:39,870
mitigate that, like truly from 
the get go. 

1080
00:54:40,110 --> 00:54:42,910
And so this whole program 
happens before you even leave. 

1081
00:54:43,300 --> 00:54:47,020
And in between our sessions you 
have access to me through Signal

1082
00:54:47,020 --> 00:54:51,020
which is an end to end encrypted
texting platform and or 

1083
00:54:51,020 --> 00:54:52,780
WhatsApp. 
So you if you have issues you 

1084
00:54:52,780 --> 00:54:57,340
text me and I real time help you
through and then post 12 week 

1085
00:54:57,340 --> 00:55:01,140
program you have access to me 
every week so that we can go 

1086
00:55:01,140 --> 00:55:03,980
through issues. 
I really believe that prevention

1087
00:55:03,980 --> 00:55:08,620
is key and going into this 
prepared and strategic with a 

1088
00:55:08,620 --> 00:55:11,820
good plan in place. 
Will help you avoid all the 

1089
00:55:11,860 --> 00:55:13,940
issues that I've seen in my 
work. 

1090
00:55:15,100 --> 00:55:17,140
You'll always have to deal with 
this personality. 

1091
00:55:17,300 --> 00:55:20,500
They don't change, but you 
become so knowledgeable and so 

1092
00:55:20,500 --> 00:55:23,660
equipped with the tools that you
can avoid a lot of the big 

1093
00:55:23,660 --> 00:55:26,780
issues and minimize them, right?
They're still going to have it 

1094
00:55:26,780 --> 00:55:29,140
like like an effect on your 
children, but what you do in 

1095
00:55:29,140 --> 00:55:32,940
your home counters the abuse 
that they experience with their 

1096
00:55:32,940 --> 00:55:35,530
other parent. 
You know, that's amazing. 

1097
00:55:35,530 --> 00:55:40,810
And I can like again, I wish I 
met you three years ago because 

1098
00:55:40,810 --> 00:55:44,090
again, you know, dealing with 
all the different ministry 

1099
00:55:44,090 --> 00:55:48,410
stuff, the police stuff, the you
expect them even even not, I 

1100
00:55:48,410 --> 00:55:51,090
don't expect anyone just because
I utter some words. 

1101
00:55:51,090 --> 00:55:54,770
Oh, they're going to totally 
take your side and also become 

1102
00:55:54,770 --> 00:55:58,820
your advocate, but. 
Again, the way that victims are 

1103
00:55:58,820 --> 00:56:03,340
treated is is just deplorable. 
I see that the perpetrators get 

1104
00:56:03,340 --> 00:56:06,500
treated with kid gloves and then
the victims get the brass 

1105
00:56:06,500 --> 00:56:08,740
knuckles. 
I've seen it over and over and 

1106
00:56:08,740 --> 00:56:11,060
over again. 
Even in the worst case scenarios

1107
00:56:11,060 --> 00:56:15,180
where it does end up in violence
and ends up ultimately in death,

1108
00:56:15,740 --> 00:56:19,060
there's usually lots on the 
record, lots of reports and. 

1109
00:56:19,700 --> 00:56:21,660
In the system too, right? 
Yeah. 

1110
00:56:22,630 --> 00:56:26,070
So I think it's you providing 
that moral support is important 

1111
00:56:26,070 --> 00:56:30,870
because again, A1 stage of a 
situation I was dealing with, 

1112
00:56:30,990 --> 00:56:35,390
there was over 30 people 
involved, 30 different from 

1113
00:56:35,390 --> 00:56:41,750
doctors to psychiatrists to 
social workers to cops to None 

1114
00:56:41,750 --> 00:56:44,790
of them wanted to take any 
accountability because if they 

1115
00:56:44,790 --> 00:56:46,710
take accountability, then 
they're there and then they're 

1116
00:56:46,710 --> 00:56:49,310
responsible everyone. 
It's almost like the system now 

1117
00:56:49,310 --> 00:56:51,820
in my opinion. 
If they just have this hands off

1118
00:56:51,820 --> 00:56:53,740
approach, ohh you should see 
that person. 

1119
00:56:53,740 --> 00:56:55,500
You should go to family court, 
family courses. 

1120
00:56:55,500 --> 00:56:57,580
So what are social? 
The services, Social services. 

1121
00:56:57,580 --> 00:56:59,260
You should go to the cops. 
The cops say you should go to 

1122
00:56:59,260 --> 00:57:01,580
social. 
So it's everyone pointing a 

1123
00:57:01,580 --> 00:57:04,860
finger at everyone. 
So just simply having someone. 

1124
00:57:05,220 --> 00:57:07,820
Like yourself and your corner 
can really get. 

1125
00:57:07,940 --> 00:57:10,260
You through some bad We all have
support, right? 

1126
00:57:10,420 --> 00:57:13,020
To some degree. 
Hopefully most of us have like a

1127
00:57:13,020 --> 00:57:14,940
family or at least a friend who 
can support us. 

1128
00:57:14,940 --> 00:57:16,780
But it's having the expert 
support. 

1129
00:57:16,820 --> 00:57:19,700
Yeah, that's what I mean. 
One truly understands what's 

1130
00:57:19,700 --> 00:57:21,660
going on and can validate, 
right? 

1131
00:57:22,520 --> 00:57:25,440
In this type of relationship, 
you've been invalidated to the 

1132
00:57:25,640 --> 00:57:28,280
core of your humanity and you 
are isolated. 

1133
00:57:28,320 --> 00:57:31,200
Even if you are social, even if 
you still have friends, you're 

1134
00:57:31,240 --> 00:57:33,760
isolated from people because 
there's a layer of lie. 

1135
00:57:34,160 --> 00:57:36,280
You have to lie to yourself in 
order to stay in the 

1136
00:57:36,280 --> 00:57:39,280
relationship. 
And I'm I can bet big bucks that

1137
00:57:39,280 --> 00:57:42,520
you've lied to people in your 
circle to to normalize and 

1138
00:57:42,520 --> 00:57:44,480
minimize what you've 
experienced. 

1139
00:57:44,480 --> 00:57:46,800
Because if you tell people the 
truth, they're going to look at 

1140
00:57:46,800 --> 00:57:50,290
you and say why are you staying?
And until you're ready to leave,

1141
00:57:50,530 --> 00:57:54,290
then you start to confide. 
And so having that expert person

1142
00:57:54,290 --> 00:57:58,330
in your corner who's going to 
give you expert advice, not just

1143
00:57:58,330 --> 00:58:00,050
your mom and dad. 
Who wants to ask for you? 

1144
00:58:00,530 --> 00:58:03,650
To take them to the cleaners, 
right, They truly understand the

1145
00:58:03,650 --> 00:58:06,970
system, they truly understand 
what's coming down the pipeline 

1146
00:58:06,970 --> 00:58:09,570
and they're equipping you with 
the tools and the resources and 

1147
00:58:09,570 --> 00:58:13,290
the knowledge to make knowledge 
based choices and not fear based

1148
00:58:13,290 --> 00:58:16,730
choices that are going to then 
impact. 

1149
00:58:17,140 --> 00:58:19,060
Your future and your children's 
future. 

1150
00:58:19,300 --> 00:58:22,700
And truthfully, as you know, 
these people will turn children 

1151
00:58:22,700 --> 00:58:25,140
against healthy, loving parents 
that they had no issue with 

1152
00:58:25,140 --> 00:58:28,060
before. 
So that's why four weeks of my 

1153
00:58:28,060 --> 00:58:31,500
program is dedicated to that. 
How to undo the counter 

1154
00:58:31,500 --> 00:58:35,500
parenting, How to prepare for 
this intentional fracturing of 

1155
00:58:35,500 --> 00:58:38,100
the relationship so that you can
avoid it, right? 

1156
00:58:39,440 --> 00:58:42,200
And they call it toxic for a 
reason because again in the day 

1157
00:58:42,200 --> 00:58:45,440
you know that it it there's 
nothing like I, I emphasize 

1158
00:58:45,440 --> 00:58:48,640
there's nothing in my life that 
that even comes close to the 

1159
00:58:48,640 --> 00:58:52,560
toxicity of it, especially as he
said and you keep bringing the 

1160
00:58:52,560 --> 00:58:55,880
children up because that's the 
the key component here in lot of

1161
00:58:55,880 --> 00:58:58,400
the situation. 
Sometimes these situations can 

1162
00:58:58,400 --> 00:59:00,680
be very toxic when there's not 
kids involved. 

1163
00:59:01,000 --> 00:59:05,400
Like for example, I interviewed 
Amber, the Tatyana case, it's a 

1164
00:59:05,400 --> 00:59:08,320
horrible case she was murdered 
in Australia, a woman from 

1165
00:59:08,320 --> 00:59:11,080
Vancouver I've been. 
Her being her best friend and 

1166
00:59:11,080 --> 00:59:14,000
she talks about the domestic 
violence that she went through 

1167
00:59:14,000 --> 00:59:16,560
and she was so like had 
Stockholm syndrome. 

1168
00:59:16,760 --> 00:59:21,080
She would go to court and say I 
hit him, I was a cheater, I it's

1169
00:59:21,080 --> 00:59:23,560
all me. 
When when now looking back she 

1170
00:59:23,560 --> 00:59:28,040
can't believe that she did that.
But so this is like how far you 

1171
00:59:28,040 --> 00:59:31,200
can go down the rabbit hole with
abuse it can really you know 

1172
00:59:31,200 --> 00:59:36,440
going into trauma bonding and 
love bombing and it it it can be

1173
00:59:36,520 --> 00:59:39,620
marked. 
And those are adults who know, 

1174
00:59:39,820 --> 00:59:41,580
right? 
Adults who know that abuse 

1175
00:59:41,580 --> 00:59:44,660
exists, right? 
They, they do the most 

1176
00:59:44,740 --> 00:59:47,740
unbelievable things when they're
in these relationships to get 

1177
00:59:47,740 --> 00:59:49,660
by. 
They're in survival mode, right?

1178
00:59:50,140 --> 00:59:54,940
And so they're doing everything 
in their power to minimize their

1179
00:59:55,380 --> 00:59:58,220
their their fear and to maximize
their safety. 

1180
00:59:58,260 --> 01:00:01,580
Right? 
Now imagine a child who seems no

1181
01:00:01,580 --> 01:00:04,100
way out, right? 
The courts have failed them and 

1182
01:00:04,100 --> 01:00:07,410
have put them. 
Into cohabitation mode with 

1183
01:00:07,410 --> 01:00:09,250
their abuse. 
They're either 50% of the time 

1184
01:00:09,250 --> 01:00:12,650
or whatever it is, right? 
They do not see a way out. 

1185
01:00:12,970 --> 01:00:16,250
And I see this all the time. 
Kids go in pretty clear as to 

1186
01:00:16,250 --> 01:00:19,130
who the good parent is and who 
the bad parent is, And the 

1187
01:00:19,130 --> 01:00:22,890
longer they have to live and 
cohabitate with their abusive 

1188
01:00:22,890 --> 01:00:26,170
parent, the more likely their 
behavior changes, the more 

1189
01:00:26,170 --> 01:00:30,610
likely they give up hope, right?
And so they start to go along to

1190
01:00:30,610 --> 01:00:33,830
get along, just like. 
Victims did in the relationship,

1191
01:00:33,830 --> 01:00:36,350
but they're children, they're 
vulnerable and they truly 

1192
01:00:36,350 --> 01:00:38,990
believe their parents love them.
Kids don't stop loving their 

1193
01:00:38,990 --> 01:00:42,670
parent who's abusive, they stop 
loving themselves, right? 

1194
01:00:42,670 --> 01:00:45,190
So as the healthy, protective 
parent, there's so much you can 

1195
01:00:45,190 --> 01:00:48,510
do in your own home, which is 
why there's four weeks of this. 

1196
01:00:49,010 --> 01:00:52,730
Right in your own home. 
To minimize these effects on 

1197
01:00:52,730 --> 01:00:54,730
your child. 
To minimize the effects of 

1198
01:00:54,730 --> 01:00:57,770
coercive control on young, 
impressionable, vulnerable 

1199
01:00:57,770 --> 01:01:00,050
children who know no different, 
right? 

1200
01:01:00,210 --> 01:01:03,290
For sure, you have power in your
home, and what you do in your 

1201
01:01:03,290 --> 01:01:06,850
home can greatly mitigate so 
much of what's going on in the 

1202
01:01:06,850 --> 01:01:10,130
other home. 
Let's end it on talking about. 

1203
01:01:10,880 --> 01:01:14,400
Things that a person can do for 
themselves, like for me, it was 

1204
01:01:14,400 --> 01:01:17,320
getting my health back. 
Getting in shape, working out 

1205
01:01:17,320 --> 01:01:19,520
was good. 
It was a stress relief. 

1206
01:01:19,520 --> 01:01:22,080
It kind of gave me some control 
over something. 

1207
01:01:22,360 --> 01:01:24,880
And then as I started seeing the
results, it started building 

1208
01:01:24,880 --> 01:01:28,020
myself esteem back. 
And then as I got myself esteem 

1209
01:01:28,020 --> 01:01:31,780
back then behavior became less 
and less tolerable, right? 

1210
01:01:31,980 --> 01:01:34,980
So I believe that the self work 
is an important part of it and 

1211
01:01:34,980 --> 01:01:38,220
unfortunately even people that 
are not in abusive situations. 

1212
01:01:38,220 --> 01:01:41,820
One of my biggest things I 
believe people who don't do self

1213
01:01:41,820 --> 01:01:45,070
work just in general. 
Are are selling themselves short

1214
01:01:45,070 --> 01:01:47,270
because they're not living to 
the best potential of their 

1215
01:01:47,270 --> 01:01:48,790
being. 
You're healthy, you you have 

1216
01:01:48,790 --> 01:01:51,910
more energy and you could do 
more when you're unhealthy or 

1217
01:01:51,910 --> 01:01:53,950
tired or just simple for that 
reason right? 

1218
01:01:54,390 --> 01:01:57,110
But for self esteem building 
purposes, right? 

1219
01:01:57,110 --> 01:02:00,990
When you build yourself esteem, 
you don't accept things that 

1220
01:02:00,990 --> 01:02:02,590
will destroy. 
Especially when you work so hard

1221
01:02:02,590 --> 01:02:03,910
to build your self esteem back, 
right? 

1222
01:02:03,910 --> 01:02:06,270
You're not gonna let someone 
just come and poop all over it 

1223
01:02:06,270 --> 01:02:07,750
and tear you down like 
especially. 

1224
01:02:09,090 --> 01:02:11,810
You must put your own oxygen 
mask on 1st. 

1225
01:02:11,850 --> 01:02:14,810
And so I tell my clients you 
have to get the daily dose and 

1226
01:02:14,810 --> 01:02:18,290
dose stands for dopamine, 
oxytocin, serotonin and 

1227
01:02:18,290 --> 01:02:20,770
endorphins. 
And again, it doesn't have to 

1228
01:02:20,770 --> 01:02:22,330
be. 
I know that money can oftentimes

1229
01:02:22,330 --> 01:02:23,970
be an issue and time can be an 
issue. 

1230
01:02:23,970 --> 01:02:27,650
They don't have to be grandiose 
or expensive things, but even 

1231
01:02:28,650 --> 01:02:31,970
just Google, Google how to 
increase your dopamine, your 

1232
01:02:31,970 --> 01:02:34,810
oxytocin, your serotonin, your 
endorphins, your daily dose. 

1233
01:02:34,810 --> 01:02:37,880
Do it daily right. 
Movement has to happen. 

1234
01:02:37,880 --> 01:02:39,600
You have to move your body, 
whatever. 

1235
01:02:39,600 --> 01:02:42,200
If that's lifting heavy weights,
which is what I did, and it's 

1236
01:02:42,200 --> 01:02:45,160
super therapeutic, right? 
Like lifting heavy weights, like

1237
01:02:45,160 --> 01:02:48,200
it's mind over matter. 
I ran marathons without 

1238
01:02:48,240 --> 01:02:50,400
training. 
It was excruciating, but it was 

1239
01:02:50,400 --> 01:02:52,640
mind over matter. 
I was proving to myself that I 

1240
01:02:52,640 --> 01:02:56,160
was mentally stronger than the 
pain that I was withstanding. 

1241
01:02:56,670 --> 01:03:00,190
So you do whatever works for you
to make you get your confidence 

1242
01:03:00,190 --> 01:03:01,670
back. 
Yes, it's been eroded. 

1243
01:03:01,670 --> 01:03:03,390
You're not feeling great about 
yourself. 

1244
01:03:03,390 --> 01:03:05,550
You are running on empty. 
Literally. 

1245
01:03:05,550 --> 01:03:08,310
You're running on empty. 
All those good dopamine, 

1246
01:03:08,310 --> 01:03:11,670
oxytocin, serotonin, endorphins,
they've been depleted. 

1247
01:03:11,670 --> 01:03:15,990
So your job is to increase those
in whatever way you you can 

1248
01:03:16,190 --> 01:03:18,790
connect with your friends again.
Go to therapy. 

1249
01:03:19,110 --> 01:03:22,990
Journal, meditate, do yoga, run,
hike. 

1250
01:03:23,450 --> 01:03:25,490
See the ocean? 
It's been scientifically proven 

1251
01:03:25,490 --> 01:03:29,010
that going near water really is 
very therapeutic, right? 

1252
01:03:29,330 --> 01:03:31,450
Do breathing exercises and 
techniques. 

1253
01:03:31,450 --> 01:03:34,170
These are all things that are 
not only going to really help 

1254
01:03:34,170 --> 01:03:37,770
you heal and get through this 
Ultramarathon. 

1255
01:03:37,770 --> 01:03:40,970
Your divorce from this type of 
personality will not be a 5K 

1256
01:03:40,970 --> 01:03:44,290
Sprint. 
It will be 120 mile endurance 

1257
01:03:44,290 --> 01:03:46,850
race. 
You need to take care of 

1258
01:03:46,850 --> 01:03:50,450
yourself before you leave this. 
This is what I'm telling my my. 

1259
01:03:50,780 --> 01:03:52,980
Program clients is before you 
even leave. 

1260
01:03:52,980 --> 01:03:55,980
You need to replenish what's 
been, what's been lost, yeah. 

1261
01:03:56,020 --> 01:03:58,060
What's been taken away from? 
It's not below 0. 

1262
01:03:59,420 --> 01:04:01,700
Mmhmm. 
And also they hate it when you. 

1263
01:04:03,100 --> 01:04:05,860
Improve yourself. 
So for me that was a big thing 

1264
01:04:05,860 --> 01:04:07,740
too. 
It's like you're the better 

1265
01:04:07,740 --> 01:04:10,820
you're you're improving yourself
than than the more you know more

1266
01:04:10,820 --> 01:04:13,340
it bothers them which is you 
know which. 

1267
01:04:13,780 --> 01:04:15,740
Is not why we're doing it in my 
program. 

1268
01:04:15,780 --> 01:04:18,340
I don't want them to even know 
that you're thinking of. 

1269
01:04:18,500 --> 01:04:19,980
Yeah, that's a huge thing too, 
right? 

1270
01:04:19,980 --> 01:04:22,420
Is do not they're. 
They're like animals. 

1271
01:04:22,420 --> 01:04:25,940
Right before natural disaster. 
They have like superhuman 

1272
01:04:25,940 --> 01:04:29,780
antenna for change. 
So your job with me is to ensure

1273
01:04:29,780 --> 01:04:34,380
that you stay under the radar, 
that they are not fearful of you

1274
01:04:34,380 --> 01:04:36,900
leaving because abandonment is 
their biggest wound. 

1275
01:04:36,940 --> 01:04:40,460
And then they'll stay right. 
They will go through everything.

1276
01:04:40,500 --> 01:04:43,140
They will follow you, they'll 
hack you, they'll read your 

1277
01:04:43,260 --> 01:04:45,580
emails, they'll trace your car 
movements. 

1278
01:04:46,020 --> 01:04:48,540
They will really start to pay 
attention. 

1279
01:04:48,900 --> 01:04:51,940
I've had clients who have had 
their emails read for a year 

1280
01:04:51,940 --> 01:04:55,060
post separation. 
They had no idea because spider 

1281
01:04:55,060 --> 01:04:56,540
was implanted on their 
computers. 

1282
01:04:56,540 --> 01:04:59,220
And so guess what? 
Every e-mail to their lawyer 

1283
01:04:59,220 --> 01:05:01,100
talking about strategy, their 
abusive. 

1284
01:05:01,140 --> 01:05:02,860
Acts was pretty God. 
Right. 

1285
01:05:03,260 --> 01:05:05,300
Like, this is the stuff that 
nobody thinks about. 

1286
01:05:05,300 --> 01:05:07,820
Yeah, this is what I'm. 
Doing that deviants. 

1287
01:05:07,820 --> 01:05:11,940
Like, it's like, yeah, well see,
the average person doesn't, you 

1288
01:05:11,980 --> 01:05:13,940
know, they don't have time for 
it. 

1289
01:05:13,940 --> 01:05:16,580
They're just, you know, they're 
thinking about, Oh my, you know,

1290
01:05:16,580 --> 01:05:19,100
how to take care of my kids, the
things that they're doing for 

1291
01:05:19,100 --> 01:05:20,660
the week. 
Where these people, it's like 

1292
01:05:20,900 --> 01:05:24,140
every waking second is is, yeah,
because. 

1293
01:05:24,260 --> 01:05:26,800
They do. 
Derive pleasure from this, 

1294
01:05:26,800 --> 01:05:28,760
right? 
They're literally empty voids. 

1295
01:05:28,800 --> 01:05:29,680
They're they're. 
Empty. 

1296
01:05:29,920 --> 01:05:31,120
Right. 
Which is why they're constantly 

1297
01:05:31,120 --> 01:05:32,720
addicted to stuff, be it 
shopping. 

1298
01:05:33,040 --> 01:05:36,880
Or. 
Like sex or or drugs. 

1299
01:05:37,120 --> 01:05:39,400
They're they're empty. 
They're constantly chasing their

1300
01:05:39,400 --> 01:05:40,920
next time. 
And guessing anything that gives

1301
01:05:40,920 --> 01:05:44,560
them a rough, yeah. 
This kind of stuff really fills 

1302
01:05:44,560 --> 01:05:47,480
them, right? 
So they we are real people and 

1303
01:05:47,480 --> 01:05:50,950
we have lives and we. 
Derive pleasure from from good 

1304
01:05:50,990 --> 01:05:52,590
and growth and. 
Prevention. 

1305
01:05:53,190 --> 01:05:55,390
They're the opposite. 
Everything that you think is 

1306
01:05:55,390 --> 01:05:59,070
good, they think is bad. 
So you have to get out of the 

1307
01:05:59,070 --> 01:06:02,030
framework as like, well, I would
never do that, so why would 

1308
01:06:02,030 --> 01:06:05,750
they? 
You know, like or They discarded

1309
01:06:05,750 --> 01:06:07,150
me. 
They cheated on me. 

1310
01:06:07,150 --> 01:06:09,190
They left me for a younger 
version. 

1311
01:06:09,190 --> 01:06:11,070
Who has more money? 
Why would they be upset? 

1312
01:06:11,070 --> 01:06:13,510
Why would? 
They leave me alone. 

1313
01:06:14,030 --> 01:06:15,950
Yeah, well, it's not what they 
want. 

1314
01:06:15,950 --> 01:06:18,560
They're never happy, so they'll.
Keep coming back after you. 

1315
01:06:19,400 --> 01:06:24,000
Chantelle was post separation 
like the tentacles is probably 

1316
01:06:24,000 --> 01:06:25,280
the way I look at it. 
They always have to have a 

1317
01:06:25,280 --> 01:06:28,960
tentacle on you and they have 
long if they were like if they 

1318
01:06:29,160 --> 01:06:33,000
again in my mind over the time 
of course in doing analogies, 

1319
01:06:33,000 --> 01:06:36,170
probably just for venting. 
You know you think of different 

1320
01:06:36,170 --> 01:06:38,570
animals, weasels, snakes and 
stuff like that. 

1321
01:06:38,570 --> 01:06:41,290
But in in reality from me it's 
almost like they're like some 

1322
01:06:41,290 --> 01:06:45,290
kind of squid like entity there.
They can squish out of anything.

1323
01:06:45,290 --> 01:06:48,050
You try to squeeze them, they 
ooze through your fingers and 

1324
01:06:48,050 --> 01:06:50,930
they have lots of tentacles of 
suction cups and they also have 

1325
01:06:50,930 --> 01:06:54,730
poison ink to eject your venom. 
So they would be like, so 

1326
01:06:54,730 --> 01:06:58,650
they're they, this is slimy 
squid like creatures and that 

1327
01:06:58,970 --> 01:07:01,210
that's what I think they're 
they're tentacles or just. 

1328
01:07:01,720 --> 01:07:03,960
Multiple reaching and yeah. 
Because. 

1329
01:07:04,040 --> 01:07:06,520
They need you more than you need
them. 

1330
01:07:06,600 --> 01:07:09,040
Yes, yeah. 
They are literally these are the

1331
01:07:09,040 --> 01:07:11,960
kind of people who cannot be 
alone in quiet solitude. 

1332
01:07:11,960 --> 01:07:13,880
They are never going to meditate
yoga. 

1333
01:07:13,880 --> 01:07:18,720
These people cannot be alone 
because quiet means that they 

1334
01:07:18,720 --> 01:07:20,720
actually have time to think 
about their lives. 

1335
01:07:20,720 --> 01:07:23,560
So they have to feel every 
minute of their lives was 

1336
01:07:23,560 --> 01:07:26,450
something. 
Right with something that that 

1337
01:07:26,450 --> 01:07:28,770
makes them feel alive again. 
Because they're dead. 

1338
01:07:28,930 --> 01:07:30,130
They're dead. 
Inside they're dead. 

1339
01:07:30,130 --> 01:07:33,450
Inside they are dead creatures. 
And I was, I was watching 

1340
01:07:33,450 --> 01:07:37,090
something last night and it was,
it was a psychiatrist talking 

1341
01:07:37,090 --> 01:07:40,250
about their eyes go black like 
when especially when they're 

1342
01:07:40,250 --> 01:07:41,370
mad. 
And I've seen that. 

1343
01:07:42,250 --> 01:07:43,930
That is called the look, yeah 
I've. 

1344
01:07:44,250 --> 01:07:46,770
Seen that? 
It's just like this, this entity

1345
01:07:46,770 --> 01:07:50,250
that's just staring out of these
black, you know, cold white 

1346
01:07:50,250 --> 01:07:53,320
eyes. 
Is until they've experienced it,

1347
01:07:53,320 --> 01:07:58,160
and it's actually in really 
archaic, primitive look and it's

1348
01:07:58,360 --> 01:08:01,440
purely hatred. 
I had a friend who texted me 

1349
01:08:01,440 --> 01:08:05,440
from an event and she knows 
somebody that I know because 

1350
01:08:05,440 --> 01:08:06,800
we're all part of the same 
community. 

1351
01:08:06,800 --> 01:08:11,840
And she saw this person, this 
man, give his exwife the look 

1352
01:08:11,840 --> 01:08:14,800
across the crowded stadium and 
she texted me not knowing who 

1353
01:08:14,800 --> 01:08:16,720
this person is. 
I know who this person is, but 

1354
01:08:16,760 --> 01:08:19,640
she had no idea. 
She's like, I saw the scariest 

1355
01:08:19,640 --> 01:08:21,100
look. 
Yeah, cross the. 

1356
01:08:21,300 --> 01:08:24,420
Crowded stadium. 
What's going on there? 

1357
01:08:24,420 --> 01:08:26,060
And I was like, yeah, that is 
the look. 

1358
01:08:26,060 --> 01:08:29,060
That's exactly what nobody wants
to see. 

1359
01:08:29,060 --> 01:08:30,580
Because truly, if they could 
kill you. 

1360
01:08:30,979 --> 01:08:32,859
Yeah, like I've seen the 
difference. 

1361
01:08:32,859 --> 01:08:35,460
You know, again, like working in
bars and stuff, I call it, you 

1362
01:08:35,460 --> 01:08:37,700
know, they give you like Charlie
Manson eyes or they're like 

1363
01:08:37,700 --> 01:08:38,939
that. 
And that's more something as if 

1364
01:08:38,939 --> 01:08:41,020
they're just worked up or 
they're they're, you know, 

1365
01:08:41,020 --> 01:08:43,500
hopped up on something. 
But there is like what you're 

1366
01:08:43,500 --> 01:08:44,779
saying. 
And their eyes are not even 

1367
01:08:44,779 --> 01:08:46,779
really that open. 
There's eyes just stare at you. 

1368
01:08:46,779 --> 01:08:49,220
They're almost like dead shark 
eyes and they're kind of like. 

1369
01:08:49,819 --> 01:08:52,260
They're not. 
Yeah, there's nothing behind 

1370
01:08:52,380 --> 01:08:54,859
there. 
Like the mirror to the soul. 

1371
01:08:55,060 --> 01:08:57,100
And I hate to say this, but 
they're truly soulless. 

1372
01:08:57,620 --> 01:09:00,100
Yeah, yeah, they're defective, 
broken human beings, and I know 

1373
01:09:00,100 --> 01:09:04,020
that there are some who heal, 
but that is too far and few in 

1374
01:09:04,020 --> 01:09:06,700
between for me to even validate 
and. 

1375
01:09:07,260 --> 01:09:09,300
It's just too hard. 
It's too hard work. 

1376
01:09:09,300 --> 01:09:13,460
It's too vulnerable. 
So like 99.9% of the population 

1377
01:09:13,460 --> 01:09:17,100
who is a narcissist and or 
sociopath, they just never heal.

1378
01:09:17,300 --> 01:09:18,939
No. 
Especially as it become adults. 

1379
01:09:18,939 --> 01:09:20,460
It's just they're it's too far 
gone. 

1380
01:09:20,910 --> 01:09:24,069
For sure I totally agree. 
This is like something I brought

1381
01:09:24,069 --> 01:09:28,430
up with Seb who was a 20 year 
Mountie and you know he's and he

1382
01:09:28,430 --> 01:09:32,029
talks about something about what
he calls what he believes is 

1383
01:09:32,029 --> 01:09:34,430
important. 
Especially if you're leaving and

1384
01:09:34,430 --> 01:09:38,790
or or left called hardening the 
target making yourself a not an 

1385
01:09:38,790 --> 01:09:43,350
ideal target so security system.
Dash Cam on your car? 

1386
01:09:44,550 --> 01:09:47,990
What are some things you'd 
recommend for that, like making 

1387
01:09:47,990 --> 01:09:50,790
yourself not an ideal target if 
that's possible. 

1388
01:09:52,830 --> 01:09:57,430
Deep breath. 
Well, cuz we're all targets, 

1389
01:09:57,430 --> 01:09:58,790
right? 
Here's The thing is, we're all 

1390
01:09:58,790 --> 01:10:00,510
walking targets. 
Anyone who's. 

1391
01:10:00,980 --> 01:10:05,060
Empathetic, generous, loyal, 
kind, determined. 

1392
01:10:05,060 --> 01:10:07,900
Is is a target, right? 
Because those are the qualities 

1393
01:10:07,900 --> 01:10:09,940
that they look for. 
Because you'll stay the course, 

1394
01:10:09,940 --> 01:10:12,140
you'll put up with more. 
Because you're loyal and you're 

1395
01:10:12,140 --> 01:10:15,060
loving. 
I really think that number one 

1396
01:10:15,060 --> 01:10:17,090
thing is give time. 
Time and space. 

1397
01:10:17,090 --> 01:10:21,050
If you've just met a person, do 
not fall quick and hard. 

1398
01:10:21,050 --> 01:10:23,210
Do not communicate. 
See them every day. 

1399
01:10:23,210 --> 01:10:26,170
Give yourself time and space to 
be able to see the forest for 

1400
01:10:26,170 --> 01:10:29,610
the trees right. 
If you're in this vacuum of like

1401
01:10:29,610 --> 01:10:33,210
a love bombing stage, it's 
really hard to see on like the 

1402
01:10:33,210 --> 01:10:36,290
red flags. 
Give yourself time and do not 

1403
01:10:36,930 --> 01:10:39,230
get pregnant. 
Do not inseminate. 

1404
01:10:39,470 --> 01:10:41,710
Yeah, right. 
Do not move in together. 

1405
01:10:41,710 --> 01:10:44,030
Do not buy a business together. 
Do not get married. 

1406
01:10:44,070 --> 01:10:47,270
Anything that tethers you to a 
person legally to that much 

1407
01:10:47,270 --> 01:10:50,590
harder to leave, right? 
And truly, a person who like who

1408
01:10:50,590 --> 01:10:53,470
loves you will stay around for 
two years, right? 

1409
01:10:53,470 --> 01:10:54,870
They're not going to. 
Drop for sure. 

1410
01:10:55,310 --> 01:10:58,070
And be patient with you too, you
know? 

1411
01:10:58,150 --> 01:11:00,630
Yeah. 
And so just give it time so. 

1412
01:11:01,280 --> 01:11:04,080
You you interview them, right? 
Like you truly are interviewing 

1413
01:11:04,080 --> 01:11:05,960
them and their people. 
Meet their friends. 

1414
01:11:06,000 --> 01:11:08,400
I bet you that they'll talk a 
lot about you and your friends, 

1415
01:11:08,400 --> 01:11:10,600
but they won't involve a lot of 
information about their family 

1416
01:11:10,600 --> 01:11:12,560
or their friends. 
Pay attention to things like my 

1417
01:11:12,560 --> 01:11:15,440
ex is crazy. 
I mean, we all have crazy exes, 

1418
01:11:15,480 --> 01:11:17,160
but most of us don't talk about 
that on the. 

1419
01:11:17,160 --> 01:11:19,520
First day, no, no, it doesn't 
come up front and center. 

1420
01:11:19,600 --> 01:11:22,080
Right, Yeah. 
And also pay attention. 

1421
01:11:22,640 --> 01:11:25,310
Are they often times the victim?
Yeah, they. 

1422
01:11:25,350 --> 01:11:28,510
All have issues with their 
colleagues, their bosses, their 

1423
01:11:28,510 --> 01:11:30,630
friends, their family, their 
exes. 

1424
01:11:30,990 --> 01:11:33,590
But if they're constantly the 
victim in this narrative and 

1425
01:11:33,590 --> 01:11:37,470
never the the person who's 
caused an issue, that's a giant 

1426
01:11:37,470 --> 01:11:38,230
red flag. 
Too. 

1427
01:11:38,230 --> 01:11:39,550
Yes. 
So really give. 

1428
01:11:39,790 --> 01:11:41,630
But the biggest thing is time 
and space. 

1429
01:11:41,630 --> 01:11:43,910
Give yourself time and space, 
even when you're dating somebody

1430
01:11:43,910 --> 01:11:47,510
that you're really into. 
Don't don't see them every day. 

1431
01:11:47,510 --> 01:11:51,160
Don't talk to them every day. 
Assert your boundaries and see 

1432
01:11:51,160 --> 01:11:53,360
if they respect your boundaries,
even if they kind of seem kind 

1433
01:11:53,360 --> 01:11:54,920
of stupid. 
Right, just to see. 

1434
01:11:55,320 --> 01:11:57,360
If they're going to respect my 
boundaries, right? 

1435
01:11:57,360 --> 01:11:59,360
Or are they going to try to keep
pushing through the boundary? 

1436
01:11:59,400 --> 01:12:02,680
Like if you think you know what,
I don't want to talk every day, 

1437
01:12:02,680 --> 01:12:04,640
let's talk every other day. 
And they're like. 

1438
01:12:04,640 --> 01:12:08,280
But I love you so much and I 
really, you know, don't you love

1439
01:12:08,280 --> 01:12:10,640
me the way that I love you? 
I feel like I've never felt this

1440
01:12:10,640 --> 01:12:11,920
way. 
If they're starting to push your

1441
01:12:11,920 --> 01:12:14,960
boundaries from the get go, drop
it like it's hot and run for the

1442
01:12:14,960 --> 01:12:16,320
guys. 
It's not worth your time. 

1443
01:12:16,750 --> 01:12:18,590
Trust me on this one, it's not 
worth your time. 

1444
01:12:18,630 --> 01:12:22,950
And Google them, I've thought 
honestly too, when I was single 

1445
01:12:22,950 --> 01:12:26,390
especially, I've googled some 
people and then be like, my God,

1446
01:12:26,590 --> 01:12:29,830
I just dodged the bullet, Yeah. 
And meet their friends and 

1447
01:12:29,830 --> 01:12:31,190
family, Their friends and 
family. 

1448
01:12:31,190 --> 01:12:35,150
See how those dynamics are. 
What other really your Here's 

1449
01:12:35,150 --> 01:12:37,190
the thing as people go into 
this. 

1450
01:12:37,680 --> 01:12:40,280
Thinking that people are who 
they say they are because most 

1451
01:12:40,280 --> 01:12:42,920
of us are honest human beings, 
we might fudge a little bit. 

1452
01:12:42,920 --> 01:12:45,240
Like on my profile I'm bumble, 
like might have said I was 

1453
01:12:45,240 --> 01:12:48,120
£130.00 but really I'm 135, 
right? 

1454
01:12:48,120 --> 01:12:51,680
We might fudge a little bit of 
truth, but we don't stray too 

1455
01:12:51,680 --> 01:12:55,720
far from the real narrative of 
life these people lie like. 

1456
01:12:56,040 --> 01:12:57,440
It's normal. 
Right. 

1457
01:12:57,840 --> 01:13:00,720
So pay attention to what they 
say and what they do. 

1458
01:13:01,120 --> 01:13:03,520
And if they say they respect 
you, but every time you assert A

1459
01:13:03,520 --> 01:13:05,920
boundary, like I don't want it 
to text tonight, I've had a 

1460
01:13:05,920 --> 01:13:08,800
really long day and they aren't 
respectful of that boundary, 

1461
01:13:08,800 --> 01:13:10,720
they don't actually respect you,
no. 

1462
01:13:10,920 --> 01:13:12,840
Exact thing that you just said 
too. 

1463
01:13:13,080 --> 01:13:19,160
And then my biggest thing now 
for all my trial by fire is that

1464
01:13:19,160 --> 01:13:23,520
if there's a double standard, if
you're supposed to hot skip and 

1465
01:13:23,520 --> 01:13:26,680
jump every time they make 
something or ask or request 

1466
01:13:26,680 --> 01:13:29,210
something. 
But when you ask for something 

1467
01:13:29,210 --> 01:13:33,490
in return that's of equal or 
lesser value, it's unreasonable.

1468
01:13:33,810 --> 01:13:36,410
Pay attention to communication. 
This type of personality tends 

1469
01:13:36,410 --> 01:13:38,970
to have their phone in their 
hand all the time, 24 hours a 

1470
01:13:38,970 --> 01:13:42,210
day, seven days a week. 
They expect you to be at their 

1471
01:13:42,210 --> 01:13:44,090
beck and call. 
So when they call or text, 

1472
01:13:44,210 --> 01:13:47,130
you're supposed to, if you are, 
happen to be busy because you 

1473
01:13:47,130 --> 01:13:50,090
might have a life outside of 
them that they expect, like an 

1474
01:13:50,090 --> 01:13:52,850
immediate turn around right, you
then text back. 

1475
01:13:52,890 --> 01:13:54,090
Oh, I'm sorry I missed your 
text. 

1476
01:13:54,090 --> 01:13:56,490
What's going on? 
But pay attention to. 

1477
01:13:56,850 --> 01:14:00,930
If they treat you the same way, 
if you call or text them, are 

1478
01:14:00,930 --> 01:14:04,250
they quick to pick up or do they
let it sit for a while? 

1479
01:14:04,690 --> 01:14:06,650
Yeah, her phone is in their 
hand, right? 

1480
01:14:06,650 --> 01:14:08,930
Good one too. 
It's like they you're they put 

1481
01:14:08,930 --> 01:14:11,930
you on a lower priority that 
they expect you to put them on. 

1482
01:14:12,410 --> 01:14:14,210
Really receptive, but too much, 
right? 

1483
01:14:14,330 --> 01:14:17,450
Yeah, they tend to go do 
relationships at warp speed. 

1484
01:14:17,490 --> 01:14:21,210
You should take the time and 
really, really get to know them 

1485
01:14:21,210 --> 01:14:24,450
through an extended period of 
time before you make any 

1486
01:14:24,490 --> 01:14:26,770
longterm commitment. 
And I mean a lot like take. 

1487
01:14:26,850 --> 01:14:29,090
A year, right? 
What's a year of your life? 

1488
01:14:29,090 --> 01:14:30,730
Truthfully for sure. 
What's a year of your life? 

1489
01:14:30,850 --> 01:14:34,210
Because taking that year and 
really being smart about this 

1490
01:14:34,210 --> 01:14:37,250
can save you 20 years of 
torture. 

1491
01:14:37,610 --> 01:14:40,810
Oh, totally, devastately. 
There are ways to do background 

1492
01:14:40,810 --> 01:14:43,130
checks, right? 
And and maybe if you think 

1493
01:14:43,130 --> 01:14:45,770
you're going to really change 
your life and move a halfway 

1494
01:14:45,770 --> 01:14:48,850
across the country, maybe hire a
private investigator, do a 

1495
01:14:48,850 --> 01:14:50,930
background check. 
Because in so many of these 

1496
01:14:50,930 --> 01:14:53,870
cases, Chantelle. 
Isolation someone? 

1497
01:14:54,270 --> 01:14:58,270
Move across the country when 
they just met and now they're 

1498
01:14:58,270 --> 01:15:01,470
isolated and living with their 
family and their family are just

1499
01:15:01,470 --> 01:15:03,510
as awful. 
So here's The thing is, 

1500
01:15:03,550 --> 01:15:06,430
isolation is the easiest way to 
control a person If you take 

1501
01:15:06,430 --> 01:15:09,430
them away from their community, 
either by literally moving 

1502
01:15:09,430 --> 01:15:12,430
across the country or to a 
different country community, if 

1503
01:15:12,430 --> 01:15:14,750
you're too far away from your 
friends and your support that 

1504
01:15:14,750 --> 01:15:17,110
they can't be there, then you're
isolated, right? 

1505
01:15:17,470 --> 01:15:21,070
And then the isolation goes into
financial isolation you might. 

1506
01:15:21,150 --> 01:15:23,990
Get completely dependent. 
Every week, right? 

1507
01:15:23,990 --> 01:15:26,470
Like if you come from a rich 
marriage and you have like 

1508
01:15:26,470 --> 01:15:29,190
$10,000 given to you every week,
you might feel cushy, but. 

1509
01:15:29,470 --> 01:15:31,070
If you. 
Have access to money. 

1510
01:15:31,590 --> 01:15:33,670
Like you don't have access to 
your own money and you are 

1511
01:15:33,670 --> 01:15:36,390
reliant on your partner to give 
you money. 

1512
01:15:36,390 --> 01:15:39,430
That's also financial isolation.
But never move. 

1513
01:15:39,830 --> 01:15:42,870
Never ever move. 
Never ever ever move until you 

1514
01:15:42,870 --> 01:15:45,710
are 100% sure this person is who
they say they are. 

1515
01:15:45,710 --> 01:15:49,350
Yeah, I isolation is the easiest
way to control a person. 

1516
01:15:49,870 --> 01:15:52,590
Do your homework right. 
Is the person they who they say 

1517
01:15:52,630 --> 01:15:54,550
they are. 
I think so many people who've 

1518
01:15:54,550 --> 01:15:57,510
had bad experiences when they 
finally find this gem. 

1519
01:15:58,820 --> 01:16:02,420
They they are sucked in, right? 
And if it sounds too good to be 

1520
01:16:02,420 --> 01:16:04,420
true, guess what? 
It's too good to be true. 

1521
01:16:04,780 --> 01:16:07,220
Faulty, like good people have 
faults, right? 

1522
01:16:07,220 --> 01:16:10,540
Yeah, person. 
Who comes across as too perfect?

1523
01:16:11,290 --> 01:16:14,730
Well, I had to unlearn such of 
my, you know, excuse my 

1524
01:16:14,730 --> 01:16:17,850
language, but somewhat like all 
the hippie bullshit that was 

1525
01:16:17,850 --> 01:16:21,610
taught to me and the as a kid of
the 70s and 80s, money doesn't 

1526
01:16:21,610 --> 01:16:24,050
matter. 
You don't judge a book by a 

1527
01:16:24,050 --> 01:16:26,290
cover. 
No, you judge a book by a cover.

1528
01:16:26,290 --> 01:16:27,610
You look at it. 
You know what I mean? 

1529
01:16:27,810 --> 01:16:30,770
Like all the hippie bullshit 
that that brainwashed me, that 

1530
01:16:30,770 --> 01:16:34,450
totally set me up for. 
Don't be judgmental. 

1531
01:16:34,450 --> 01:16:36,890
Da da da da. 
Everyone is the karma thing. 

1532
01:16:36,890 --> 01:16:40,300
All that right? 
And and and time after time that

1533
01:16:40,300 --> 01:16:44,940
stuff got me in trouble. 
And I think also as as a woman, 

1534
01:16:45,340 --> 01:16:48,100
it's probably less for you, but 
do correct me if I'm wrong, cuz 

1535
01:16:48,100 --> 01:16:50,940
I don't like to make sweeping 
generalizations based on 

1536
01:16:50,940 --> 01:16:54,020
genders, but as a woman, we have
a biological clock. 

1537
01:16:54,020 --> 01:16:54,620
That's. 
Ticking, yeah. 

1538
01:16:54,860 --> 01:16:57,860
That are, I agree. 
It's like 30, right? 

1539
01:16:57,900 --> 01:16:59,620
Yeah. 
If you're not married by 30, 

1540
01:16:59,620 --> 01:17:02,300
good luck trying to find a 
partner after 30 because your 

1541
01:17:02,300 --> 01:17:04,660
social. 
Yeah, you're a leftover woman, 

1542
01:17:05,060 --> 01:17:06,340
right? 
In China, we're. 

1543
01:17:06,500 --> 01:17:08,280
Too old. 
Too old. 

1544
01:17:08,280 --> 01:17:12,560
Your eggs are shriveling as we 
speak, and I think that that a 

1545
01:17:12,560 --> 01:17:15,160
lot of people fall prey to that,
right? 

1546
01:17:15,160 --> 01:17:17,200
So they meet somebody who's good
enough. 

1547
01:17:17,360 --> 01:17:20,280
Yeah, And they pay. 
They don't pay attention to the 

1548
01:17:20,280 --> 01:17:22,840
red flags and the cues of this 
person is giving out. 

1549
01:17:22,840 --> 01:17:25,840
But this person is not good 
because they feel their window 

1550
01:17:25,840 --> 01:17:29,120
of opportunity diminishing. 
I've dated a Portuguese woman 

1551
01:17:29,520 --> 01:17:32,120
when I was in my 20s. 
There was harsh pressure to get 

1552
01:17:32,120 --> 01:17:34,960
married, like from the family. 
Like heart pressure. 

1553
01:17:34,960 --> 01:17:37,480
Yeah, like wedding guys getting 
married and to the point. 

1554
01:17:37,760 --> 01:17:40,480
It was kind of funny like when 
we stayed over there like you're

1555
01:17:40,480 --> 01:17:43,840
not married so you have to sleep
in the basement and you know 

1556
01:17:43,840 --> 01:17:46,520
what I mean? 
So but it was like a way to put.

1557
01:17:46,560 --> 01:17:49,640
Prep family, right. 
So when we traveled together as 

1558
01:17:49,640 --> 01:17:51,760
a couple that was non married 
and we went to stay at like my 

1559
01:17:51,760 --> 01:17:54,840
grandparents cabin, we literally
had to sleep in separate beds 

1560
01:17:54,880 --> 01:17:57,160
like and I didn't even think 
anything of it. 

1561
01:17:57,160 --> 01:17:59,520
I was just like get this is 
just, you know, I'm like a sign 

1562
01:17:59,520 --> 01:18:01,440
of respect until we're married. 
This is how it is. 

1563
01:18:01,960 --> 01:18:04,000
Yeah. 
Cuzidal constructs and cultural 

1564
01:18:04,000 --> 01:18:06,190
constructs. 
Play hard on this, right? 

1565
01:18:06,190 --> 01:18:09,150
But as a woman, I can only speak
as a woman, cuz I'm a woman. 

1566
01:18:09,150 --> 01:18:10,470
So I'm coming at it from a 
woman. 

1567
01:18:10,790 --> 01:18:12,630
I really felt a lot of pressure,
right? 

1568
01:18:12,630 --> 01:18:14,550
Like a lot of pressure. 
This is as good as it gets. 

1569
01:18:14,550 --> 01:18:15,910
You might as. 
Well, as jump, you're not 

1570
01:18:15,910 --> 01:18:19,510
getting any younger when you 
having kids, you're not getting 

1571
01:18:19,510 --> 01:18:20,990
it. 
Yeah, yeah, so you. 

1572
01:18:21,070 --> 01:18:23,550
Also see this post Separation 
too right? 

1573
01:18:23,550 --> 01:18:28,750
Men with children have an easier
time finding a partner children,

1574
01:18:28,790 --> 01:18:32,550
even if we make the same amount 
of income of who we are. 

1575
01:18:33,010 --> 01:18:35,650
You will have an easier time re 
partnering with a quality 

1576
01:18:35,650 --> 01:18:39,250
individual than a woman with the
same life history, right? 

1577
01:18:39,290 --> 01:18:42,770
Well look at us and say, Oh 
well, she's divorced, she's in 

1578
01:18:42,770 --> 01:18:46,250
her 40s and she has two kids. 
We feel lucky that the man is 

1579
01:18:46,250 --> 01:18:49,050
looking at us saying, Oh yeah, 
OK, well I'm going to take her. 

1580
01:18:49,050 --> 01:18:51,610
Whereas it's just a given that a
man with children, a woman's 

1581
01:18:51,610 --> 01:18:53,690
going to be maternal and want to
take care of those children. 

1582
01:18:53,920 --> 01:18:55,600
No, I agree. 
Because like you know, in my 

1583
01:18:55,600 --> 01:18:59,320
search I was a widower and they 
said statistically most men that

1584
01:18:59,320 --> 01:19:03,200
are widowers get married or get 
a partnership within a year. 

1585
01:19:03,440 --> 01:19:06,640
Where women it's not. 
I forgot what the statistic was,

1586
01:19:06,640 --> 01:19:08,080
but it was a hell of a lot 
lower. 

1587
01:19:08,080 --> 01:19:10,880
It was like it was. 
Because we are considered used 

1588
01:19:10,960 --> 01:19:14,920
right and we feel fortunate when
a man who looks at us as a 

1589
01:19:14,920 --> 01:19:16,500
package. 
Yeah. 

1590
01:19:16,500 --> 01:19:19,660
And then that of course we can 
get into another conversation 

1591
01:19:19,660 --> 01:19:22,900
next time both hope predators 
that that definitely in one of 

1592
01:19:22,940 --> 01:19:24,620
the things that I'm going to get
into I always. 

1593
01:19:25,300 --> 01:19:27,100
Tell people yeah. 
Do not put your kids in social 

1594
01:19:27,100 --> 01:19:28,660
media. 
Do not put them on your dating 

1595
01:19:28,660 --> 01:19:30,780
app. 
You are single mom, Yeah. 

1596
01:19:30,780 --> 01:19:33,860
And because I get like, if they 
like teenagers and you have 

1597
01:19:33,860 --> 01:19:37,060
teenage girls, right? 
You know, So I'm going to get 

1598
01:19:37,060 --> 01:19:40,380
into that in another series 
about like online predators and 

1599
01:19:40,380 --> 01:19:42,140
dating apps and things like 
that. 

1600
01:19:42,420 --> 01:19:45,860
Yeah, it's another monstrous 
world that needs exposure, but. 

1601
01:19:46,500 --> 01:19:49,100
Yes. 
Anyway Shontelle we can talk for

1602
01:19:49,100 --> 01:19:52,100
hours and hours and hours and 
you know I appreciate you every 

1603
01:19:52,100 --> 01:19:56,060
time you come on and we always 
have very good insightful deep 

1604
01:19:56,060 --> 01:19:58,100
conversations. 
It's you know it's honestly it's

1605
01:19:58,100 --> 01:20:00,660
my pleasure to have you on your 
welcome to come on anytime you 

1606
01:20:00,660 --> 01:20:03,540
want. 
I really love the work you do 

1607
01:20:03,540 --> 01:20:06,380
because I wish there was more 
people like you because this is 

1608
01:20:06,460 --> 01:20:11,950
this is such a. 
Minefield is probably the best 

1609
01:20:11,950 --> 01:20:14,670
way to describe it. 
You're separating man or woman, 

1610
01:20:14,670 --> 01:20:15,750
right? 
There's a lot of men that go 

1611
01:20:15,750 --> 01:20:19,150
through the abuse too, and 
sometimes the men's stuff is 

1612
01:20:19,150 --> 01:20:22,910
more on the passive aggressive. 
Way more. 

1613
01:20:23,430 --> 01:20:25,430
Yeah, stuff. 
And it's hard for a guy to 

1614
01:20:25,430 --> 01:20:27,950
articulate. 
And and I'll tell you too, just 

1615
01:20:27,950 --> 01:20:30,990
quickly before I go, like I was,
I was saying, you know, the the 

1616
01:20:31,230 --> 01:20:34,430
cops would come to my house 
sometimes when Alexandra would 

1617
01:20:34,430 --> 01:20:36,150
have like one of her psychotic 
breaks. 

1618
01:20:36,790 --> 01:20:38,110
Not all. 
Most the cops were good, but 

1619
01:20:38,110 --> 01:20:40,190
there was a couple of the old 
school ones looking, You can't 

1620
01:20:40,190 --> 01:20:42,030
handle your woman. 
What do you want me to do, smack

1621
01:20:42,030 --> 01:20:43,230
her around? 
Like, what do you like? 

1622
01:20:43,230 --> 01:20:45,270
I look at them. 
What do you expect me to do 

1623
01:20:45,270 --> 01:20:47,070
other than try to listen and 
calm her down? 

1624
01:20:47,870 --> 01:20:49,750
You know, you're kind of giving 
me that kind of. 

1625
01:20:49,750 --> 01:20:51,350
And and that didn't happen very 
often. 

1626
01:20:51,470 --> 01:20:52,910
That only happened from a few of
them. 

1627
01:20:52,910 --> 01:20:55,910
But they kind of, you know, that
kind of BS, right? 

1628
01:20:56,230 --> 01:21:00,150
So there there's like, you know,
again, for women, they're more 

1629
01:21:00,150 --> 01:21:02,830
susceptible to be victims of 
violence, especially in the 

1630
01:21:02,830 --> 01:21:05,520
cases I've done. 
Men could be very emotionally 

1631
01:21:05,520 --> 01:21:07,440
abused and whittled down. 
I've seen that. 

1632
01:21:07,440 --> 01:21:10,000
I've seen that even growing up 
where the man is just like a 

1633
01:21:10,080 --> 01:21:12,720
shell, This just like little 
whittles like, you know, little 

1634
01:21:12,720 --> 01:21:17,160
like the like bites that over 
time those add up until the guys

1635
01:21:17,160 --> 01:21:19,320
just like a doormat walking 
doormat. 

1636
01:21:20,360 --> 01:21:22,400
So it can happen in the best of 
us, right? 

1637
01:21:22,400 --> 01:21:25,440
So I think it's valuable that we
have these conversations and 

1638
01:21:25,440 --> 01:21:28,240
stuff because the more that we 
could try to make people to. 

1639
01:21:29,410 --> 01:21:34,490
Understand and undo and unravel 
this harm, put in that self work

1640
01:21:34,490 --> 01:21:37,770
and actually truly become the 
person that you want to be. 

1641
01:21:37,770 --> 01:21:41,730
You don't have to be defined by 
your last relationship, right? 

1642
01:21:42,650 --> 01:21:45,410
No. 
And there's so much potential 

1643
01:21:45,410 --> 01:21:48,290
for a great life. 
Like, I like, I guarantee 

1644
01:21:48,770 --> 01:21:51,730
there's Even when you're dealing
with the worst stuff, there's so

1645
01:21:51,730 --> 01:21:55,410
many Nuggets of beauty to 
experience in life, truly. 

1646
01:21:56,770 --> 01:21:58,050
Yeah. 
So thank you again. 

1647
01:21:58,090 --> 01:22:00,130
Thank you for coming on 
hopefully. 

1648
01:22:00,250 --> 01:22:02,890
Two hours later, yeah. 
Well, we can be in the 

1649
01:22:02,890 --> 01:22:04,210
conversation, right? 
Yeah. 

1650
01:22:04,610 --> 01:22:06,690
OK, Awesome. 
Thanks Mark for having me again.

1651
01:22:06,850 --> 01:22:09,050
Knowledge is power. 
Yes, thank you again. 

1652
01:22:09,050 --> 01:22:10,770
I'll let you go. 
Have a wonderful day. 

1653
01:22:11,450 --> 01:22:13,010
You too, Okay. 
Bye bye.