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Hey everybody, its Breann again.
Once again, we are back for 

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another episode of the lesbian 
dating app, disasters. 

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Podcast. 
Today's episode is a part two to

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the 40 year-old fuck-boy because
it was just so much. 

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Just I just transpired in this 
that I don't even, I still can't

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fathom how we just weren't ever 
going to work in some ways 

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because things would just be so 
good and just feels so good. 

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So to recap, I went out of the 
country with this woman. 

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She fucked one of her friends 
when I was blackout drunk. 

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Told me right before she was 
about to have sex with me and 

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made it seem as though I was 
wrong for assuming that we would

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be sleeping together on the 
trip. 

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Now. 
I recognize that the first red 

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flag was the fact that we had 
separate rooms. 

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That was the first red flag. 
The second one was watching her 

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go back and forth between myself
and her friend, the third one 

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and this is just from the trip 
alone. 

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The third one on the last night 
there, she walked away and then 

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walked up with another woman 
just hugged up, you know arm 

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around her kind of thing, just 
real flirty like and I walked 

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away and she was just like 
prion, like, you know, what's 

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up? 
And like I'm basically just kind

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of like was like, are you gonna 
fuck her to my what? 

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What, what is that? 
She's just like no. 

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I was just being friendly. 
We all know how that goes. 

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I was just being friendly, we 
all know where that goes. 

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I was just like, I'm not cool 
with it. 

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I don't like how this feels. 
This makes me feel like this. 

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So this is the last night on the
island. 

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We ended up going back to my 
room. 

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She fell asleep. 
We fell asleep there. 

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At some point in the night. 
She got up to leave and she 

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never she didn't go back to her 
room. 

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Apparently wake up the next day.
She's a I'm so tired. 

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Oh my God, and I'm like, well, 
didn't you go back to your room 

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last night's like packet. 
Everything. 

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She's like no. 
I met some people in the lobby 

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and we went to the beach and I 
was like, oh, what'd y'all do? 

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And she tells me Everything. 
The fuck is everything. 

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Red flag. 
And I'm just like, you know 

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what? 
I just need to get home. 

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I really just need to get home 
when I sit and think about all 

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the things that transpired. 
Like this woman took me out on a

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date like an actual date. 
As if she had plans or intention

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to semi be with me. 
And it makes me feel like stupid

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that. 
I got all the way here in the 

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mix of everything. 
Thing and was looking like well,

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why aren't you sleeping with me 
as if there was an unspoken 

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thing that we got here, you were
automatically just this free 

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agent and it still really like 
hurts. 

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My feelings. 
Actually. 

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I, When I finally made the 
decision to be done with her, 

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you know, I gave her her guitar 
back. 

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She'd, let me her guitar because
I just have an electric and she 

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had an acoustic and I had been 
wanting to get a new acoustic 

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and she had. 
Let me borrow it, and I gave her

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her guitar, her dick, and her 
mother fucking groceries, the 

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guitar, the dick, the groceries,
all back and ever, since then, 

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we've Just been. 
Struggling to find a new Norm 

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because it's really can't come 
back from everything that's 

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happened. 
I think we both really want to 

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but we just can't. 
We went to this music festival 

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and, you know, dance with other 
people that's fine. 

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Dance with men women who ever 
find, you know, but they were 

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people that were really trying 
to slide in and it was also 

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clear that she was like with me 
at this and it just feels so 

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disrespectful because if I go 
somewhere with somebody that 

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Having sex with, I'm there with 
you, like that's just an 

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unspoken rule that I have, but 
apparently between my some odd 

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years and her some odd years. 
There's some, there's a 

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completely different level of 
what's expected and not and not 

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cool. 
I feel like later on that night.

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We had went to a bar and the 
girl there was a girl that was 

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the girlfriend of the The man 
that was selling barbecue at the

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bar and she was so motherfucking
flirting with her. 

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She laughed. 
She opened up a seat for this 

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woman and I'm just like sitting 
there. 

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Like am I not in the room? 
Am I not here? 

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You didn't made a way for her to
come over here and sit with us. 

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Making all these little side 
things. 

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She said something, something 
about sucking. 

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The girl though the girlfriend 
and Jordans like Oh, I got 

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something you could suck and I'm
like, well, excuse the fuck out 

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of me in front of my friends. 
We were out with my friends. 

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I didn't took you out. 
I didn't like try to integrate 

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you into my life because you had
just moved back to Michigan 

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after being away for quite some 
time. 

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Like I'm literally bringing you 
into my life. 

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And this is how you treat me in 
public. 

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Am I crazy? 
Am I too much? 

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Am I dramatic? 
Am I you know doing the most? 

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Am I overthinking? 
And I And I have moments where I

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am, but I think for disrespect 
and how you treat someone that's

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literally naked in your bed, 
four out of seven nights a week,

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you would you would do better, 
you would treat them a lot 

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better. 
It really just really angers me.

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In that she came from Tinder. 
This is probably like the worst 

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tender situation for sure. 
Definitely the worst tender 

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situation. 
We went out so many times. 

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And in the past months before, 
like, the final, like, we're not

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doing sex anymore, you know, I 
would try to end it and she 

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would just, or if I was mad or 
something, that she would 

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instantly, take me out to dinner
or she be Going up with gifts 

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like one day and like I feel 
like she knew I was upset with 

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her. 
So she walked him like a planned

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a big ass plant and like 
something in some flowers and 

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stuff like that. 
And that makes me feel like like

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you're manipulating me you may 
not realize it but it feels very

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manipulative. 
Like, you know, she would rush 

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to like take me out to dinner 
and then like smooth things over

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something like that and It 
doesn't make me feel actually 

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wanted by this person. 
It made me feel convenient until

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the next person shows up because
you can clearly have anyone you 

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want. 
We went to an all lesbian party 

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and I know for a fact, if I had 
not been there and been the 

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woman that you were kissing up 
on when we got there. 

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It would have been a Whole 
different story. 

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This whole thing really taught 
me how to listen to what I 

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actually want and and deserve 
because I know I deserve better,

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but I know that I choose these. 
I don't know these these flesh 

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qualities before a lot of 
internal qualities about people.

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And it's still just hurts my 
feelings. 

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And there wasn't there was no 
apologies and remorse, but what 

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I wanted was for you to stop 
doing these things and to just 

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be with me for whatever amount 
of time like the next yet for it

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could have been until summer was
over. 

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You this could have been until 
like winter was over something 

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but it was like it also hurts 
that like even through all of 

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that with you saying, even 
though you like me this much and

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how much you love me and how 
much you love beingness and 

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doing this and blah blah blah. 
They you still didn't like 

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choose me hurts. 
And I think that's the thing 

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that I'm always feeling is that 
I'm never like a first choice to

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the women that I involve myself 
with and you know my therapist 

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and people around me will say, 
well you got to choose yourself 

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first and like that's real. 
That's absolutely real. 

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And I don't think those 
necessarily equal. 

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We are unlike the equal thing. 
Like I can still buy choose my 

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own self and still end up in a 
situation where someone doesn't 

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choose me. 
You know, like I did eventually 

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choose myself and say, hey, this
is what I want. 

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This is what I don't want. 
This is what I like the sweater 

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doesn't like, this is all the 
things that I'm okay with and 

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these are things that I'm not 
okay with, and she still didn't 

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choose me, you know, and that 
just leaves me with salty, 

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salty, feelings. 
And now I just sit back and 

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watch this cute ass human exist 
through the world, to be whoever

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they want to be, but not with 
me. 

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And that hurts, like, I don't 
want to invite her out anywhere 

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because I don't want to watch 
you and engage with other women 

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and that's definitely, like, a 
jealousy thing. 

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Like, for sure. 
I don't want to watch you. 

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I don't want to watch you run 
game on the game that you ran on

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me, running on other people. 
I've already watched. 

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You, run it on somebody outside 
of the country. 

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A couple people. 
Actually. 

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I'm good. 
My guy. 

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I'm It so good on that. 
But wow, was it? 

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The sex was The Toxic kind, the 
toxic kind that makes you stick 

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around, you know, how like 
Jazmine Sullivan and are in 

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Linux. 
There little the song they have 

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on it and they talk about like 
how ain't shit this dude was. 

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But the sex was just top-tier. 
That's how I feel about the 

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situation. 
At this time is there are a lot 

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of things than a shape here. 
But what you are serving up, 

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ma'am is a soul changer. 
It's definitely a soul changer. 

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And for reference, we did have a
conversation about straps. 

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We had a very long conversation 
about straps because strap 

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consent is important. 
It is very important and there 

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was a lot of, you know what, 
that's what it's I gave so much 

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trust to the situation and to 
the sexual exploration of this 

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space. 
And that's another thing that 

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makes it hurt more. 
It's because Perhaps for a long 

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time, have been trying to 
reserve a level for someone that

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I actually wanted to be with, 
and I came across another person

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that I thought, I actually 
wanted to be with, so I was 

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ready to take all these steps in
and just growth and exploration,

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but they still, who aren't mine.
And now I'm faced with like, 

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well do I never do this this, 
and this again, if they're not 

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my girlfriend and that's like, I
don't know how realistic that. 

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actually is for me because I 
don't know. 

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There's so many people in the 
world and there's so much love 

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in the world, which I've learned
from past experiences. 

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Like there's not just one person
for everything. 

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There are many people who have 
the same abilities to do all the

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things and be all the things 
that you're looking for. 

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But you never know what you're 
going to find them again. 

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And to say goodbye, once you 
have found it. 

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I think is what is quite painful
for me. 

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Yeah. 
So Jordan not going out the 

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country with her. 
Not gonna. 

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I really just can't put myself 
at any situation for me to feel 

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things, you know, jealousy 
attraction, heartbreak 

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hopefulness, like, all of it. 
It's just gonna lead to a road 

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that I don't want because also, 
like I said, this woman is 40 

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years old and that's not old by 
any means, and it's not, it's 

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not anything. 
But at the same time, we do have

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a Concept of how we live our 
lives and how we see the world. 

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And someone that I'm with, I 
want them to see things in a 

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similar light, you know, I still
want to go out and party, you 

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know, I want somebody that's the
wants to go out and party. 

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I want somebody that, you know, 
can appreciate, I don't know 

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like I don't know. 
I can't even think of things 

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that like we just don't see eye 
to eye on necessarily but in 

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terms of just like cultural 
things. 

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And then the way that the world 
is just shaved in terms of 

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Blackness and queerness and 
space and time, like everything 

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is just different. 
There's a gap there. 

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There's certainly a got there 
and with Jordan we had moments a

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lot more moments than not were 
the Gap was non-existent. 

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You know, he didn't feel like 
this woman. 40. 

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And it didn't feel like I was my
age. 

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But when they when it showed it 
showed and that showed me like 

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hey, I can't I can't do this. 
Another thing that I couldn't 

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take with the space. 
Was that, you know, by the time 

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you're 40, you know who you are,
you know exactly what you will 

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and won't, do you know exactly 
what time you want to be at home

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and in the bed. 
And one of the things with 

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Jordan was, she would be like, 
well, if it's after 9:00, I'm 

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not, like, I'm staying the 
night, you know, like, I'm not, 

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I'm not gonna go home or 
whatever. 

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I'm gonna just sleep over and 
that don't always work for me. 

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You know, like I want to do sex 
and then like, you leave. 

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Sometimes, you know, have the 
option for you to like leave and

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that was a lot of pressure to 
like okay, if you come over and 

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it's nine or something like that
or say you're here at 6:00 and 

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then you're still here past 
nine, like you're automatically 

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like in my still in my space. 
Like I want something that's a 

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little bit more like free in 
that way because I'm not a type 

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to I'm not a spending. 
I type personally, I will do sex

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and go home real quick. 
Which was not me in this Jordan 

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thing because she would always 
come here, but it was just 

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committing to having somebody in
my space for, like, a long time.

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And I didn't know that it was 
bothersome to me until I've 

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processed all this afterwards 
about, like, stuff that I just 

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could not stand. 
There was one time that she got 

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upset with me because I told 
her, she sleeps too much and I 

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mean it was hard because she 
would come over. 

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We'll be here. 
She be asleep by like like 10 

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11, and then I just be up, still
bopping along and doing what I 

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do in my life and it was just 
like, well, I didn't even get to

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spend any time with you, like 
you just got here. 

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It may be 9 and then your sleep,
you know, like that's not how I 

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want to spend my time. 
Like I'm we're not an old 

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married couple like I don't like
I want to see you. 

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I love late night conversations.
I love the good old like that. 

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To am pillow talk. 
Just talk. 

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Talking about stuff, talking 
about nothing. 

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I love that in the moments that 
we have. 

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Those were some of my favorite 
moments between us. 

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But that's just because I also 
think I function better at 

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night. 
I think I'm a much more coherent

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person in the nighttime. so it 
was it was stuff like that that 

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would get in the way of of the 
of that, you know, just Just 

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culturally generational types of
things and maneuvering through 

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space. 
This space confirmed that like, 

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I have some like some only child
Tendencies, you know, so like 

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I've learned about think things 
about myself from this space. 

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So it's not a everything, is 
damned sort of feeling. 

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Or I have all this negative 
things. 

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I learned a lot about I sell so 
that I can navigate other 

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relationships and friendships 
and stop fucking my friends. 

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That's something I don't want to
keep doing. 

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Like, this is really the last 
time, like if I'm not, if I'm 

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already friends with you, then 
like I'm not I'm not touching 

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that. 
Like, I'm like legit friends. 

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I like, oh, we just met and then
we're going on a date. 

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Like if I've invested time into 
like, you as a as a 

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relationship. 
Like I'm not I'm not having sex 

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with you. 
I'm not, uh, Lose too many 

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friendships things, and things 
just get so muddy. 

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Much, like, where they are with 
Jordan after. 

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After you see somebody naked 
like naked, you know and see 

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them exist in those sexual 
spaces. 

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Like, I can't, I can't turn that
off. 

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I can't forget what I saw. 
I can't forget what you made me 

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feel. 
I can't forget what I made you 

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00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:42,500
feel. 
And I can't turn those those 

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those those flashbacks off. 
When I see you, trying to be a 

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00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:53,500
fuck boy. 
And flirty charismatic with all 

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these other women. 
So Jordan, she really opened my 

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00:21:05,900 --> 00:21:12,700
eyes to a lot of things about 
myself, emotionally, sexually, 

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and that might be why I feel 
such a tether to her. 

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It's because of how that sexual 
relationship transpired. 

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But we take it one day at a 
time, and we go to therapy and 

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we do a podcast to deal with it 
all. 

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So once again, thank you so much
for tuning in. 

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Thank you, sir. 
All 34 countries that have 

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invested in this project. 
It is going to be a lovely time 

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00:21:54,600 --> 00:22:00,800
for season 2. 
Talk to you guys soon. 

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Bye.