Hey everybody, its Breann again. Once again, we are back for
another episode of the lesbian dating app, disasters.
Podcast. Today's episode is a part two to
the 40 year-old fuck-boy because it was just so much.
Just I just transpired in this that I don't even, I still can't
fathom how we just weren't ever going to work in some ways
because things would just be so good and just feels so good.
So to recap, I went out of the country with this woman.
She fucked one of her friends when I was blackout drunk.
Told me right before she was about to have sex with me and
made it seem as though I was wrong for assuming that we would
be sleeping together on the trip.
Now. I recognize that the first red
flag was the fact that we had separate rooms.
That was the first red flag. The second one was watching her
go back and forth between myself and her friend, the third one
and this is just from the trip alone.
The third one on the last night there, she walked away and then
walked up with another woman just hugged up, you know arm
around her kind of thing, just real flirty like and I walked
away and she was just like prion, like, you know, what's
up? And like I'm basically just kind
of like was like, are you gonna fuck her to my what?
What, what is that? She's just like no.
I was just being friendly. We all know how that goes.
I was just being friendly, we all know where that goes.
I was just like, I'm not cool with it.
I don't like how this feels. This makes me feel like this.
So this is the last night on the island.
We ended up going back to my room.
She fell asleep. We fell asleep there.
At some point in the night. She got up to leave and she
never she didn't go back to her room.
Apparently wake up the next day. She's a I'm so tired.
Oh my God, and I'm like, well, didn't you go back to your room
last night's like packet. Everything.
She's like no. I met some people in the lobby
and we went to the beach and I was like, oh, what'd y'all do?
And she tells me Everything. The fuck is everything.
Red flag. And I'm just like, you know
what? I just need to get home.
I really just need to get home when I sit and think about all
the things that transpired. Like this woman took me out on a
date like an actual date. As if she had plans or intention
to semi be with me. And it makes me feel like stupid
that. I got all the way here in the
mix of everything. Thing and was looking like well,
why aren't you sleeping with me as if there was an unspoken
thing that we got here, you were automatically just this free
agent and it still really like hurts.
My feelings. Actually.
I, When I finally made the decision to be done with her,
you know, I gave her her guitar back.
She'd, let me her guitar because I just have an electric and she
had an acoustic and I had been wanting to get a new acoustic
and she had. Let me borrow it, and I gave her
her guitar, her dick, and her mother fucking groceries, the
guitar, the dick, the groceries, all back and ever, since then,
we've Just been. Struggling to find a new Norm
because it's really can't come back from everything that's
happened. I think we both really want to
but we just can't. We went to this music festival
and, you know, dance with other people that's fine.
Dance with men women who ever find, you know, but they were
people that were really trying to slide in and it was also
clear that she was like with me at this and it just feels so
disrespectful because if I go somewhere with somebody that
Having sex with, I'm there with you, like that's just an
unspoken rule that I have, but apparently between my some odd
years and her some odd years. There's some, there's a
completely different level of what's expected and not and not
cool. I feel like later on that night.
We had went to a bar and the girl there was a girl that was
the girlfriend of the The man that was selling barbecue at the
bar and she was so motherfucking flirting with her.
She laughed. She opened up a seat for this
woman and I'm just like sitting there.
Like am I not in the room? Am I not here?
You didn't made a way for her to come over here and sit with us.
Making all these little side things.
She said something, something about sucking.
The girl though the girlfriend and Jordans like Oh, I got
something you could suck and I'm like, well, excuse the fuck out
of me in front of my friends. We were out with my friends.
I didn't took you out. I didn't like try to integrate
you into my life because you had just moved back to Michigan
after being away for quite some time.
Like I'm literally bringing you into my life.
And this is how you treat me in public.
Am I crazy? Am I too much?
Am I dramatic? Am I you know doing the most?
Am I overthinking? And I And I have moments where I
am, but I think for disrespect and how you treat someone that's
literally naked in your bed, four out of seven nights a week,
you would you would do better, you would treat them a lot
better. It really just really angers me.
In that she came from Tinder. This is probably like the worst
tender situation for sure. Definitely the worst tender
situation. We went out so many times.
And in the past months before, like, the final, like, we're not
doing sex anymore, you know, I would try to end it and she
would just, or if I was mad or something, that she would
instantly, take me out to dinner or she be Going up with gifts
like one day and like I feel like she knew I was upset with
her. So she walked him like a planned
a big ass plant and like something in some flowers and
stuff like that. And that makes me feel like like
you're manipulating me you may not realize it but it feels very
manipulative. Like, you know, she would rush
to like take me out to dinner and then like smooth things over
something like that and It doesn't make me feel actually
wanted by this person. It made me feel convenient until
the next person shows up because you can clearly have anyone you
want. We went to an all lesbian party
and I know for a fact, if I had not been there and been the
woman that you were kissing up on when we got there.
It would have been a Whole different story.
This whole thing really taught me how to listen to what I
actually want and and deserve because I know I deserve better,
but I know that I choose these. I don't know these these flesh
qualities before a lot of internal qualities about people.
And it's still just hurts my feelings.
And there wasn't there was no apologies and remorse, but what
I wanted was for you to stop doing these things and to just
be with me for whatever amount of time like the next yet for it
could have been until summer was over.
You this could have been until like winter was over something
but it was like it also hurts that like even through all of
that with you saying, even though you like me this much and
how much you love me and how much you love beingness and
doing this and blah blah blah. They you still didn't like
choose me hurts. And I think that's the thing
that I'm always feeling is that I'm never like a first choice to
the women that I involve myself with and you know my therapist
and people around me will say, well you got to choose yourself
first and like that's real. That's absolutely real.
And I don't think those necessarily equal.
We are unlike the equal thing. Like I can still buy choose my
own self and still end up in a situation where someone doesn't
choose me. You know, like I did eventually
choose myself and say, hey, this is what I want.
This is what I don't want. This is what I like the sweater
doesn't like, this is all the things that I'm okay with and
these are things that I'm not okay with, and she still didn't
choose me, you know, and that just leaves me with salty,
salty, feelings. And now I just sit back and
watch this cute ass human exist through the world, to be whoever
they want to be, but not with me.
And that hurts, like, I don't want to invite her out anywhere
because I don't want to watch you and engage with other women
and that's definitely, like, a jealousy thing.
Like, for sure. I don't want to watch you.
I don't want to watch you run game on the game that you ran on
me, running on other people. I've already watched.
You, run it on somebody outside of the country.
A couple people. Actually.
I'm good. My guy.
I'm It so good on that. But wow, was it?
The sex was The Toxic kind, the toxic kind that makes you stick
around, you know, how like Jazmine Sullivan and are in
Linux. There little the song they have
on it and they talk about like how ain't shit this dude was.
But the sex was just top-tier. That's how I feel about the
situation. At this time is there are a lot
of things than a shape here. But what you are serving up,
ma'am is a soul changer. It's definitely a soul changer.
And for reference, we did have a conversation about straps.
We had a very long conversation about straps because strap
consent is important. It is very important and there
was a lot of, you know what, that's what it's I gave so much
trust to the situation and to the sexual exploration of this
space. And that's another thing that
makes it hurt more. It's because Perhaps for a long
time, have been trying to reserve a level for someone that
I actually wanted to be with, and I came across another person
that I thought, I actually wanted to be with, so I was
ready to take all these steps in and just growth and exploration,
but they still, who aren't mine. And now I'm faced with like,
well do I never do this this, and this again, if they're not
my girlfriend and that's like, I don't know how realistic that.
actually is for me because I don't know.
There's so many people in the world and there's so much love
in the world, which I've learned from past experiences.
Like there's not just one person for everything.
There are many people who have the same abilities to do all the
things and be all the things that you're looking for.
But you never know what you're going to find them again.
And to say goodbye, once you have found it.
I think is what is quite painful for me.
Yeah. So Jordan not going out the
country with her. Not gonna.
I really just can't put myself at any situation for me to feel
things, you know, jealousy attraction, heartbreak
hopefulness, like, all of it. It's just gonna lead to a road
that I don't want because also, like I said, this woman is 40
years old and that's not old by any means, and it's not, it's
not anything. But at the same time, we do have
a Concept of how we live our lives and how we see the world.
And someone that I'm with, I want them to see things in a
similar light, you know, I still want to go out and party, you
know, I want somebody that's the wants to go out and party.
I want somebody that, you know, can appreciate, I don't know
like I don't know. I can't even think of things
that like we just don't see eye to eye on necessarily but in
terms of just like cultural things.
And then the way that the world is just shaved in terms of
Blackness and queerness and space and time, like everything
is just different. There's a gap there.
There's certainly a got there and with Jordan we had moments a
lot more moments than not were the Gap was non-existent.
You know, he didn't feel like this woman. 40.
And it didn't feel like I was my age.
But when they when it showed it showed and that showed me like
hey, I can't I can't do this. Another thing that I couldn't
take with the space. Was that, you know, by the time
you're 40, you know who you are, you know exactly what you will
and won't, do you know exactly what time you want to be at home
and in the bed. And one of the things with
Jordan was, she would be like, well, if it's after 9:00, I'm
not, like, I'm staying the night, you know, like, I'm not,
I'm not gonna go home or whatever.
I'm gonna just sleep over and that don't always work for me.
You know, like I want to do sex and then like, you leave.
Sometimes, you know, have the option for you to like leave and
that was a lot of pressure to like okay, if you come over and
it's nine or something like that or say you're here at 6:00 and
then you're still here past nine, like you're automatically
like in my still in my space. Like I want something that's a
little bit more like free in that way because I'm not a type
to I'm not a spending. I type personally, I will do sex
and go home real quick. Which was not me in this Jordan
thing because she would always come here, but it was just
committing to having somebody in my space for, like, a long time.
And I didn't know that it was bothersome to me until I've
processed all this afterwards about, like, stuff that I just
could not stand. There was one time that she got
upset with me because I told her, she sleeps too much and I
mean it was hard because she would come over.
We'll be here. She be asleep by like like 10
11, and then I just be up, still bopping along and doing what I
do in my life and it was just like, well, I didn't even get to
spend any time with you, like you just got here.
It may be 9 and then your sleep, you know, like that's not how I
want to spend my time. Like I'm we're not an old
married couple like I don't like I want to see you.
I love late night conversations. I love the good old like that.
To am pillow talk. Just talk.
Talking about stuff, talking about nothing.
I love that in the moments that we have.
Those were some of my favorite moments between us.
But that's just because I also think I function better at
night. I think I'm a much more coherent
person in the nighttime. so it was it was stuff like that that
would get in the way of of the of that, you know, just Just
culturally generational types of things and maneuvering through
space. This space confirmed that like,
I have some like some only child Tendencies, you know, so like
I've learned about think things about myself from this space.
So it's not a everything, is damned sort of feeling.
Or I have all this negative things.
I learned a lot about I sell so that I can navigate other
relationships and friendships and stop fucking my friends.
That's something I don't want to keep doing.
Like, this is really the last time, like if I'm not, if I'm
already friends with you, then like I'm not I'm not touching
that. Like, I'm like legit friends.
I like, oh, we just met and then we're going on a date.
Like if I've invested time into like, you as a as a
relationship. Like I'm not I'm not having sex
with you. I'm not, uh, Lose too many
friendships things, and things just get so muddy.
Much, like, where they are with Jordan after.
After you see somebody naked like naked, you know and see
them exist in those sexual spaces.
Like, I can't, I can't turn that off.
I can't forget what I saw. I can't forget what you made me
feel. I can't forget what I made you
feel. And I can't turn those those
those those flashbacks off. When I see you, trying to be a
fuck boy. And flirty charismatic with all
these other women. So Jordan, she really opened my
eyes to a lot of things about myself, emotionally, sexually,
and that might be why I feel such a tether to her.
It's because of how that sexual relationship transpired.
But we take it one day at a time, and we go to therapy and
we do a podcast to deal with it all.
So once again, thank you so much for tuning in.
Thank you, sir. All 34 countries that have
invested in this project. It is going to be a lovely time
for season 2. Talk to you guys soon.
Bye.