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Hi everybody, it's Breon and we 
are here for another episode of 

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the lesbian dating app disasters
podcast. 

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Now today today's story has been
weighing on me and I've had to 

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kind of fight with myself. 
If I was going to share the 

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story or not. 
And I figured the best way to 

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get through some of the yucky 
feelings. 

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I have about it would be to 
share it and just to get it over

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with. 
So, here we go. 

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This one is about. 
The time I got with this 40 year

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old woman and how it forever 
changed. 

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My life. 
Brought me new life experiences,

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new preferences and tell me a 
whole lot about myself and what 

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I'm actually looking for in the 
world. 

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Or what I want right now, I 
guess. 

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Where do we start? 
So I met her on Tinder will call

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her. 
Jordan. 

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I think that's it. 
That's a cool name. 

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I'm bad with picking names to 
describe people will call her 

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Jordan. 
I meant Jordan on Tinder. 

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And the moment I saw her on 
Tinder. 

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I said, I want you, I want you 
right now in my bed. 

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With me, but we kept her chill, 
some of our messages when we 

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started just messaging. 
It was hey, you know, here's 

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some things about me here are 
some things about you. 

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What are you looking for? 
What are you looking for? 

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And right, then in the tender 
message, we expressed wanting 

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different things and still ended
up in a heap. emotions and and 

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for me a little bit of 
heartbreak and so much 

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craziness, and I'm going to get 
into So we started to hang out, 

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you know, this had happened 
during the pandemic. 

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So we saw a very interesting 
piece of of each other. 

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You, I think everyone who had 
any sort of bonding 

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relationship, he things with 
anyone during the pandemic. 

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It's a very, it was a very 
unique time is very unique, time

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to meet people and kind of go 
through a really traumatic 

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experience together. 
So we met up, remember we met 

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up. 
It was Valentine's Day and we 

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hung out. 
And I remember seeing her walk 

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through my door and I just about
fainted, She looks so fucking 

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fine. 
Because I right now, love and in

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drogyn honest, you know, all 
everything like an everything 

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bagel type of woman. 
Like I All the things mixed up 

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together and it just makes this 
one little like beautiful little

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package. 
I just love it. 

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And how is this like, wow, I 
can't have this woman. 

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But she seems dope as fuck. 
I'm gonna still try to be her 

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friend because what happens to 
me a lot is I come across really

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attractive people who may not be
on the same realm as I am. 

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So I usually just end up 
settling to just be their friend

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because being a good friend, is 
still important to me. 

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I think I have been a great 
friend to a lot of people in the

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world. 
So, you know, I picked being her

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friend even though I couldn't 
get with her. 

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We would hang out and it would 
just be, you know, to home, he's

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kicking it. 
And one day I decided not to go 

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to work and to work from home 
and she was working from home 

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and she said, oh, come over 
well, like watch movies and eat 

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food and we'll just hang out 
while, you know, we work. 

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And I feel like something 
happened. 

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Where was just like maybe like a
cuddle or something was gonna 

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happen like a platonic cuddle 
because they're platonic 

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cuddling should be a thing and 
can be a thing. 

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I've done. 
It successfully. 

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I get over there. 
We were just hanging out and 

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stuff. 
You know, she work I worked and 

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then we both finished work and 
we went to lay down to just 

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watch TV and baby. 
I got behind her two big spoon 

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her. 
Oh my God. 

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Oh my God. 
I I felt all the things and none

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of the things and everything 
possible. 

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When my entire body just 
connected to her in that way. 

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And that was one of the most 
recent times where I could feel 

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that. 
This physical connection was 

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someone was so powerful just by 
touch and we were we were still 

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like fully clothed but to it was
like a puzzle piece going like 

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the blast piece of a puzzle 
going together. 

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How perfectly it fits. 
So amazing, and that was the 

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downward spiral into a bunch of 
fun. 

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Three, a lot of fuckery so that 
day, we both felt it. 

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We both felt it. 
Things certainly hit a point out

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of nowhere and I don't even 
think we even anticipated 

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wanting to do stuff with each 
other. 

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It was just, it just happened 
and then we kind of tried to 

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fight it, you know, we would do 
everything. 

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Thing but sags or be super 
suggested and like text messages

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and be like, no, no, no, we 
can't do this. 

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We can't do this. 
And we would go back and forth 

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like this for a while and a big 
thing was like, our age 

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difference. 
I hadn't, dated anyone that was 

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that age. 
She hadn't been with anyone. 

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That was my age necessarily and 
we were both just navigating 

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some new territory, but the 
feelings were just so strong. 

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And so, So pure that it was 
impossible to ignore them, time 

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passes and we are in that good. 
All lesbian fuck buddy. 

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Looks like a relationship, but 
it's not a relationship but we 

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hugged up your spending days in 
my house. 

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We're going out. 
We're spending money on food 

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every day and doing all that 
cute ass shit that you do when 

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you're with someone new and it 
all feels great and and and and 

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effortless and magical and 
spontaneous. 

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She Jordan asked me to accompany
her on a trip, outside of the 

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country for her 40th birthday. 
I never been outside of the 

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country, but I said, fuck it. 
Sure. 

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Let's do it. 
The trip gets planned. 

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It ends up being myself. 
Jordan, Jordan sister and 

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Jordans friend who would be 
flying in from another state to 

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meet us in said, country out of 
out of the country? 

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The trip plans, go crazy. 
We make it out of the country. 

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We make it to the resort. 
Everything's great. 

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We spend time on the beach. 
We go. 

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We're in the pools, were in the 
sand. 

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Like, you know, all of us is 
like for people just hanging out

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and everything. 
Now, from the time we got from 

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checking in at the hotel to 
maybe dinner that night. 

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I noticed something between 
Jordan and her friend that flew 

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in I was like hmm. 
This just show friend, but her 

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hand is in the back of your in 
your back pocket. 

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Gripping your ass. 
Oh, wow, that's funny because 

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like I'm here, you know, I'm 
looking like, what the fuck am I

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here for you? 
And I'm out the country and we 

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was fucking before this trip 
happened. 

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So naturally, I assumed that we 
would still be doing stuff on 

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this trip and I just I just kept
my mouth. 

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Shut. 
I just watched. 

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And I said, okay. 
All right. 

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This is this is what we're going
to play here. 

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Okay. 
It wasn't until maybe a couple 

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days later one night. 
I got super drunk like blackout 

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on her. 
We all had our own rooms. 

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That's a flag right there. 
I should have known that ho 

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that's a big key to the story. 
We all had our own rooms and 

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while I'm grateful now for 
having my own room, and I was 

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Grateful Dead for having Own 
room, but looking back on the 

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relationship between me and 
Jordan at the time. 

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I'm like, I should have that 
should have been a little 

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suspect and I should have poked 
into the situation more of like,

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what are we doing on this trip, 
but I didn't think too much 

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about it. 
And because I also like my own 

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space, so even if I am like with
you, I guess like, I still want 

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to be by myself at some point, 
so I red flag, red flag. 

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So, that's the night, I blacked 
out. 

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And I fell asleep in Jordans, 
friends. 

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I can't think of a name to give 
her right now. 

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We'll call her Daria. 
Sure. 

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Okay. 
That's the first thing that 

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popped in my head. 
I fell asleep on Dario's 

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balcony. 
Jordan move me into Dario's bed 

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because there was no way I was 
moving like I was blackout. 

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Like there was no way I just had
to sleep. 

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They all left. 
Let me sleep there and I wake up

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the next day and I'm like, okay,
I'm hungover. 

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All right, whatever keep it 
pushing I go to breakfast and 

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the whole time me and Jordan or 
just kind of having our moment, 

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you know, like wait, I'm 
forgetting things about this 

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story. 
We got there. 

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Nope. 
Nope. 

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No, I'm not. 
No, I'm not. 

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No. 
I'm not. 

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I'm on the right track. 
So we're looking at each. 

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Each other. 
I breakfast. 

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We're passing foot seas, and 
just little slick stuff over 

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breakfast. 
And then we go back to the room 

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because it's breakfast. 
Its endless mimosas on this 

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Resort. 
So breakfast plus mimosas. 

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Somebody is getting something 
done to them and we go back up 

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to my room and it's that moment 
where it's just like I want you 

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so bad. 
Like I will do. 

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You're ripping your clothes off.
You're ripping each others 

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clothes off at that point. 
And when I tell you, Jordan was 

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literally just like fixing and 
finalizing her strap and as 

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being ready. 
Did she say? 

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I had sex with Daria last night.
and when I tell you my entire 

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soul plummeted out of my body, I
don't even the first thing that 

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came out of my mouth when she 
said that was Was it good? 

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Because I felt like a dummy 
because it's like, I'm here and 

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you're gonna go around and 
you're going to sleep with other

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people. 
Like, what the fuck am I here 

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for like you? 
I would block that was the one 

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night that I was in the like 
incoherent and that is the night

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that you went out and then 
decided to fuck her like it 

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wasn't. 
There wasn't any sort of like 

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conversation of like, you know 
what? 

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There was a conversation. 
Before she told me this, I want 

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to say like a day a day before 
there was conversation about 

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Daria of planning to have sex 
with Jordan on this trip. 

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And I did not stand up for 
myself and what I wanted. 

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And that moment, I said, oh no, 
it's fine. 

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Go ahead. 
Like, we're not anything 

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serious. 
Like, we're we're here. 

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We're out of the country. 
It's whatever. 

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And I think in my mind, I hope 
that Jordan would either not do 

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it or I would at least be in the
room to watch and or participate

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potentially. 
And neither of those things 

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happened. 
And that's also where hurt my 

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feelings. 
And I remember while the night 

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that I was drunk, having a 
conversation with Daria 

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separately because she was just 
like, you know, I just want to 

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make sure that we're good and 
blah blah blah, make sure you 

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know, You're feeling okay with 
this and I did not stand up for 

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myself and say that I wasn't 
okay with it. 

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I was just like, no, whatever. 
So that was a lesson in standing

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00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:49,700
up for yourself. 
Say what you want. 

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Say what you feel? 
Say what you mean, or you will 

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get your feelings hurt. 
Fast forward to run before sex 

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happened. 
She tells me she slept with 

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Daria. 
I asked her was a good. 

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She says, yes, and I tried to 
continue the moment even though 

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it was ruined. 
A bubble was popped for me. 

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I sex when I'm four, maybe five 
minutes before. 

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Like something like I just like 
broke. 

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I felt my body physically like 
Twitch and then I just started 

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crying just crying. 
And she's just like, talk to me,

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like, what's going on? 
And I was just like, I mean, you

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slept with her last night and 
here you are like, with me. 

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What do you mean? 
Why am I crying? 

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You know, and that was the first
instance where I realized that 

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we were very different people in
terms of how we navigate. 

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I think I am a monogamous least 
centered person. 

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And Jordan is not Jordan is not.
Yeah, Jordan is not that person.

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So for the remainder of the 
trip, the rest of that day, I 

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took kind of half of the day 
just to cry and feel and call my

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best friends and tell them. 
What was a because I'm out of 

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the country without any of my 
support system right now. 

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I felt so many just awful 
emotions. 

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Like I just wanted to go home 
and be with my best friends, you

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know, and for the remainder of 
that trip, I was crazy 

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uncomfortable because I then 
watched Jordan and Daria have 

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their own moments. 
Between them then between the 

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two of them because you know how
it is when you fuck somebody and

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the looks you give them and how 
you interact with them 

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physically in the way that you 
smile and and move the body 

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language. 
So I'm not and then what would I

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hated was that Jordan would like
go back and forth between us 

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like we'd be at the pool and I 
just be like chilling by myself 

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and then Jordan was swim over 
and be all flirty and shoot with

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me and then we'll leave and then
go be doing, you know the same 

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shit with Daria thinking. 
It was But it wasn't like, I'm 

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not stupid. 
I'm young, but I'm not that 

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stupid. 
Like, what the fuck? 

240
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And it's one thing to have not 
gone on this trip. 

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And Jordan would have come home 
saying, like, oh, I did this 

242
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while I was there. 
I don't know if I would have 

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felt the same but to be there 
and see the woman and have to 

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interact with the woman and 
continue to do activities and 

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meals. 
And and engage with this woman 

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on this, this healthy plane 
knowing, I just want to explode.

247
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Was super hard and not what I 
would have wanted for my first 

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trip out of the country. 
Since returning from that trip. 

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I we had multiple conversations 
about what I was looking for 

250
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what she was looking for. 
And, you know, I ended up saying

251
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like I want a relationship. 
I want a girlfriend. 

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I want someone that's not going 
to be sleeping around with other

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people, you know, even if it's 
not in the big scheme of a 

254
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relationship. 
I'm still looking looking for 

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exclusivity in a person because 
I don't like to be with somebody

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that's sleeping around a bunch 
of people even. 

257
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I'm not in a relationship. 
I still dislike to be sleeping 

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with like one person at a time. 
I'm not good at the multiple 

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00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:38,800
energy juggling not good at it 
at all. 

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And, you know, we still did not 
come to like an actual 

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conclusion. 
That worked for the both of us. 

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We still kept having sex because
it was just so good. 

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We just kept, I would say. 
I just kept putting my feelings 

264
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are off to the side to have sex 
with this person because it was 

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so, so so incredible. 
I feel the need to share that 

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00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:10,900
this woman was the first time 
that I had a positive strap 

267
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experience with so like life was
forever changed. 

268
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So like it's like she's got a 
piece of my soul. 

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Now from that shit and it's been
really hard to let the situation

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00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:27,500
go and to let all of my hurt 
feelings go. 

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And I don't know if I actually 
even still have, we went out a 

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00:19:35,208 --> 00:19:38,200
couple times since we've been 
back, and I've watched her 

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engage in these social spaces, 
and I just can't handle. 

274
00:19:43,900 --> 00:19:50,500
It, can't handle the flirting 
and the charismatic nature that 

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carries her throughout her life.
You know, I can't say I've ever 

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00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:59,500
been with, like, the woman that 
like, Wants to kind of talk to 

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00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:03,800
you at the bar kind of person. 
I don't know how to describe it.

278
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But she's definitely. 
This type of woman that like 

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every woman a lot of women, find
attractive, and want to talk to 

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00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:14,900
you and and get up underneath 
that, that energy. 

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00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:20,200
And I've never been the person 
that's more or less with that 

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00:20:20,200 --> 00:20:22,000
person. 
Watching all these other women 

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flock and and throw themselves. 
I didn't like it. 

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00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:33,700
I didn't like it, and I thought 
I would be able to handle the 

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00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:35,900
oval. 
You know, we show up together. 

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00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:37,900
We leave together, whatever 
happens between them, as 

287
00:20:37,900 --> 00:20:41,800
whatever type of mentality, but 
that don't work for me either. 

288
00:20:41,900 --> 00:20:45,100
No, that don't work for me. 
I don't want to be the weekend. 

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00:20:45,100 --> 00:20:49,500
I don't want to be that while a 
song, the need to know. 

290
00:20:49,500 --> 00:20:52,100
I don't want to do. 
I don't want to do any of the 

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00:20:52,100 --> 00:20:55,000
sneaky, the sneaky stuff. 
Like I'm not into it anymore. 

292
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:02,800
Eventually, you know, we had to 
keep coming to this impasse of 

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00:21:03,100 --> 00:21:06,400
I'm not happy because you're 
still going to be doing stuff 

294
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:09,400
with other people. 
She went to say, oh I'm planning

295
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:13,500
this trip and Daria is going to 
be there and I said, oh where 

296
00:21:13,500 --> 00:21:15,500
you going to sleep with her 
again? 

297
00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:20,300
And she's like, well, it's not 
it. 

298
00:21:20,300 --> 00:21:24,200
She said it's a possibility and 
I'm like, what the fuck is that?

299
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:29,300
What does that even mean? 
And Kind of after that. 

300
00:21:29,900 --> 00:21:34,900
I was never really the same. 
I never really had the same 

301
00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:39,900
feelings because I just felt 
like I couldn't trust this not 

302
00:21:39,900 --> 00:21:42,500
not trust the space but like 
Trust. 

303
00:21:43,900 --> 00:21:48,000
The sexual side of the space in 
terms of, I'm literally asking 

304
00:21:48,000 --> 00:21:52,200
you to only sleep with me, even 
if we're like not together 

305
00:21:52,200 --> 00:21:55,200
together, but we're doing 
everything that's just shy being

306
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:57,600
together and that's what fucking
gets me about lesbians. 

307
00:21:57,600 --> 00:22:00,700
They will do everything under 
the sun except call you that 

308
00:22:00,700 --> 00:22:02,800
girlfriend. 
They will do it all. 

309
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:07,600
And I think that's a lot of 
different relationship Dynamics,

310
00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:10,100
but I'm just talking about 
lesbians right now. 

311
00:22:10,100 --> 00:22:14,200
They will damn near move in with
your ass and they I took 

312
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:20,700
girlfriend. 
Hey shit to you and I think 

313
00:22:21,100 --> 00:22:26,800
coming into the space through 
the pandemic and then semi into 

314
00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:29,700
like re socializing again. 
It really showed me that you 

315
00:22:29,700 --> 00:22:31,600
know, this is not the person for
me. 

316
00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:35,400
I thought this could have been 
the person for me but at the end

317
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:41,600
of the day, I have found a 
another version of all the other

318
00:22:41,600 --> 00:22:43,400
women that I had already been 
with. 

319
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:48,200
And that hurts too. 
And that makes me feel defeated 

320
00:22:48,300 --> 00:22:53,900
again that I'm not finding this 
person that's centered in the 

321
00:22:53,908 --> 00:22:57,300
way that I'm centered and I'm 
still choosing. 

322
00:22:57,700 --> 00:22:59,500
I'm still choosing not to listen
to myself. 

323
00:22:59,500 --> 00:23:03,400
I'm still choosing to engage in 
these spaces that are for me and

324
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:08,600
it's just never. 
It feels like it's never ending 

325
00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:11,200
and it feels like a wound. 
That's not going to heal, unless

326
00:23:11,200 --> 00:23:15,900
I just don't talk to anybody for
a Very very very very long time 

327
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:22,200
and become stronger and more 
secure in what I actually want 

328
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:26,600
because I think I was also 
afraid of wanting a relationship

329
00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:31,100
because what does that mean? 
That means what? 

330
00:23:31,100 --> 00:23:33,000
I don't know. 
I haven't been in a relationship

331
00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:36,300
in like five years. 
Four years, five years, 

332
00:23:36,300 --> 00:23:42,900
something like that a long time.
So it goes so many different 

333
00:23:42,900 --> 00:23:47,800
sorts of ways. 
But this one, this one Takes the

334
00:23:47,808 --> 00:23:53,900
Cake because I left out of the 
motherfucking country and got my

335
00:23:53,900 --> 00:23:57,600
fucking feelings hurt. 
You know, like I don't think it 

336
00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:00,200
gets any crisps up. 
I mean, stuff does continue to 

337
00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:04,400
get crazier. 
But wow, I went out of the 

338
00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:11,900
country and got by face cracked 
and it's like A lot of the signs

339
00:24:11,900 --> 00:24:14,300
were there. 
I had pointed towards a lot of 

340
00:24:14,300 --> 00:24:17,900
signs that I wasn't sure of 
prior to a lot of things 

341
00:24:17,900 --> 00:24:22,100
transpiring. 
But I kept waiting to like see 

342
00:24:22,100 --> 00:24:25,600
like the proof of the things 
because I didn't want to just 

343
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:32,400
make decisions without proof. 
But while the your mind, your 

344
00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:36,300
body, your soul, your spirit 
will tell you and you have got 

345
00:24:36,300 --> 00:24:38,800
to listen. 
And oh, I'm hard-headed. 

346
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:41,000
I'm a Capricorn. 
I don't like to listen. 

347
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:44,900
I do not like to listen. 
It takes me a solid for her to 

348
00:24:44,900 --> 00:24:50,300
the 72 times before I listened 
and I think this is the time 

349
00:24:50,300 --> 00:24:54,000
where I will be listening. 
This is the final like, okay. 

350
00:24:54,000 --> 00:24:57,700
I cannot keep picking literally 
the same woman in. 

351
00:24:58,000 --> 00:25:03,100
French skin, you know, and I've 
not the same woman, but the 

352
00:25:03,900 --> 00:25:07,600
woman that doesn't want. 
When I want another woman, that 

353
00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:12,500
doesn't want what I want. 
And I have to stop picking sex 

354
00:25:12,500 --> 00:25:15,900
over what I actually want. 
I think that's something that 

355
00:25:15,900 --> 00:25:18,000
I've done for a very, very long 
time. 

356
00:25:18,300 --> 00:25:23,000
It's just pick really good sex 
over the other emotional 

357
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:31,200
fulfillments that I'm seeking. 
So yeah, I may have forgotten 

358
00:25:31,400 --> 00:25:35,800
things about the story, but I 
think I covered a lot of it in 

359
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:38,000
terms of. 
Are we still friends? 

360
00:25:38,500 --> 00:25:43,100
Yes, is it hard? 
Yes, does it hurt? 

361
00:25:43,400 --> 00:25:44,300
Fuck? 
Yeah. 

362
00:25:45,200 --> 00:25:48,700
Do I have a hard time? 
Knowing that one day she's going

363
00:25:48,700 --> 00:25:53,700
to be digging down other women. 
Absolutely. 

364
00:25:54,500 --> 00:26:03,300
Absolutely. 
But our meeting in intertwining 

365
00:26:03,300 --> 00:26:07,100
in life started, in our, in a 
friendship, in a really good 

366
00:26:07,100 --> 00:26:13,700
friendship, and that what keeps 
me wanting to push forward, 

367
00:26:14,100 --> 00:26:16,900
while still finding a delicate 
balance for me, to take the time

368
00:26:16,900 --> 00:26:21,400
that I need to heal for myself, 
but still knowing that I have a 

369
00:26:21,600 --> 00:26:25,300
decent incredible friend in this
person. 

370
00:26:27,300 --> 00:26:33,100
What are you do? 
Wow, this was a, this is a 

371
00:26:33,100 --> 00:26:39,000
longer episode because this one 
had a lot going on to it and 

372
00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:44,900
possibly more that I can't even 
begin to get into because it's 

373
00:26:44,900 --> 00:26:47,900
so deep. 
Maybe I'll have to do a part 2 

374
00:26:48,500 --> 00:26:51,100
to Jordan. 
We'll see. 

375
00:26:54,100 --> 00:26:55,200
Thank you. 
Everyone. 

376
00:26:55,300 --> 00:27:01,600
As always for listening. 
You all are quite wonderful to 

377
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:08,200
be listening to me, just ramble 
about terrible dates dating, its

378
00:27:08,200 --> 00:27:11,300
relationship. 
He things, whatever its called. 

379
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:16,500
That's all for now until next 
time. 

380
00:27:17,500 --> 00:27:17,900
Bye.