Hi everybody, it's Breon and we are here for another episode of
the lesbian dating app disasters podcast.
Now today today's story has been weighing on me and I've had to
kind of fight with myself. If I was going to share the
story or not. And I figured the best way to
get through some of the yucky feelings.
I have about it would be to share it and just to get it over
with. So, here we go.
This one is about. The time I got with this 40 year
old woman and how it forever changed.
My life. Brought me new life experiences,
new preferences and tell me a whole lot about myself and what
I'm actually looking for in the world.
Or what I want right now, I guess.
Where do we start? So I met her on Tinder will call
her. Jordan.
I think that's it. That's a cool name.
I'm bad with picking names to describe people will call her
Jordan. I meant Jordan on Tinder.
And the moment I saw her on Tinder.
I said, I want you, I want you right now in my bed.
With me, but we kept her chill, some of our messages when we
started just messaging. It was hey, you know, here's
some things about me here are some things about you.
What are you looking for? What are you looking for?
And right, then in the tender message, we expressed wanting
different things and still ended up in a heap. emotions and and
for me a little bit of heartbreak and so much
craziness, and I'm going to get into So we started to hang out,
you know, this had happened during the pandemic.
So we saw a very interesting piece of of each other.
You, I think everyone who had any sort of bonding
relationship, he things with anyone during the pandemic.
It's a very, it was a very unique time is very unique, time
to meet people and kind of go through a really traumatic
experience together. So we met up, remember we met
up. It was Valentine's Day and we
hung out. And I remember seeing her walk
through my door and I just about fainted, She looks so fucking
fine. Because I right now, love and in
drogyn honest, you know, all everything like an everything
bagel type of woman. Like I All the things mixed up
together and it just makes this one little like beautiful little
package. I just love it.
And how is this like, wow, I can't have this woman.
But she seems dope as fuck. I'm gonna still try to be her
friend because what happens to me a lot is I come across really
attractive people who may not be on the same realm as I am.
So I usually just end up settling to just be their friend
because being a good friend, is still important to me.
I think I have been a great friend to a lot of people in the
world. So, you know, I picked being her
friend even though I couldn't get with her.
We would hang out and it would just be, you know, to home, he's
kicking it. And one day I decided not to go
to work and to work from home and she was working from home
and she said, oh, come over well, like watch movies and eat
food and we'll just hang out while, you know, we work.
And I feel like something happened.
Where was just like maybe like a cuddle or something was gonna
happen like a platonic cuddle because they're platonic
cuddling should be a thing and can be a thing.
I've done. It successfully.
I get over there. We were just hanging out and
stuff. You know, she work I worked and
then we both finished work and we went to lay down to just
watch TV and baby. I got behind her two big spoon
her. Oh my God.
I I felt all the things and none
of the things and everything possible.
When my entire body just connected to her in that way.
And that was one of the most recent times where I could feel
that. This physical connection was
someone was so powerful just by touch and we were we were still
like fully clothed but to it was like a puzzle piece going like
the blast piece of a puzzle going together.
How perfectly it fits. So amazing, and that was the
downward spiral into a bunch of fun.
Three, a lot of fuckery so that day, we both felt it.
We both felt it. Things certainly hit a point out
of nowhere and I don't even think we even anticipated
wanting to do stuff with each other.
It was just, it just happened and then we kind of tried to
fight it, you know, we would do everything.
Thing but sags or be super suggested and like text messages
and be like, no, no, no, we can't do this.
We can't do this. And we would go back and forth
like this for a while and a big thing was like, our age
difference. I hadn't, dated anyone that was
that age. She hadn't been with anyone.
That was my age necessarily and we were both just navigating
some new territory, but the feelings were just so strong.
And so, So pure that it was impossible to ignore them, time
passes and we are in that good. All lesbian fuck buddy.
Looks like a relationship, but it's not a relationship but we
hugged up your spending days in my house.
We're going out. We're spending money on food
every day and doing all that cute ass shit that you do when
you're with someone new and it all feels great and and and and
effortless and magical and spontaneous.
She Jordan asked me to accompany her on a trip, outside of the
country for her 40th birthday. I never been outside of the
country, but I said, fuck it. Sure.
Let's do it. The trip gets planned.
It ends up being myself. Jordan, Jordan sister and
Jordans friend who would be flying in from another state to
meet us in said, country out of out of the country?
The trip plans, go crazy. We make it out of the country.
We make it to the resort. Everything's great.
We spend time on the beach. We go.
We're in the pools, were in the sand.
Like, you know, all of us is like for people just hanging out
and everything. Now, from the time we got from
checking in at the hotel to maybe dinner that night.
I noticed something between Jordan and her friend that flew
in I was like hmm. This just show friend, but her
hand is in the back of your in your back pocket.
Gripping your ass. Oh, wow, that's funny because
like I'm here, you know, I'm looking like, what the fuck am I
here for you? And I'm out the country and we
was fucking before this trip happened.
So naturally, I assumed that we would still be doing stuff on
this trip and I just I just kept my mouth.
Shut. I just watched.
And I said, okay. All right.
This is this is what we're going to play here.
Okay. It wasn't until maybe a couple
days later one night. I got super drunk like blackout
on her. We all had our own rooms.
That's a flag right there. I should have known that ho
that's a big key to the story. We all had our own rooms and
while I'm grateful now for having my own room, and I was
Grateful Dead for having Own room, but looking back on the
relationship between me and Jordan at the time.
I'm like, I should have that should have been a little
suspect and I should have poked into the situation more of like,
what are we doing on this trip, but I didn't think too much
about it. And because I also like my own
space, so even if I am like with you, I guess like, I still want
to be by myself at some point, so I red flag, red flag.
So, that's the night, I blacked out.
And I fell asleep in Jordans, friends.
I can't think of a name to give her right now.
We'll call her Daria. Sure.
Okay. That's the first thing that
popped in my head. I fell asleep on Dario's
balcony. Jordan move me into Dario's bed
because there was no way I was moving like I was blackout.
Like there was no way I just had to sleep.
They all left. Let me sleep there and I wake up
the next day and I'm like, okay, I'm hungover.
All right, whatever keep it pushing I go to breakfast and
the whole time me and Jordan or just kind of having our moment,
you know, like wait, I'm forgetting things about this
story. We got there.
Nope. Nope.
No, I'm not. No, I'm not.
No. I'm not.
I'm on the right track. So we're looking at each.
Each other. I breakfast.
We're passing foot seas, and just little slick stuff over
breakfast. And then we go back to the room
because it's breakfast. Its endless mimosas on this
Resort. So breakfast plus mimosas.
Somebody is getting something done to them and we go back up
to my room and it's that moment where it's just like I want you
so bad. Like I will do.
You're ripping your clothes off. You're ripping each others
clothes off at that point. And when I tell you, Jordan was
literally just like fixing and finalizing her strap and as
being ready. Did she say?
I had sex with Daria last night. and when I tell you my entire
soul plummeted out of my body, I don't even the first thing that
came out of my mouth when she said that was Was it good?
Because I felt like a dummy because it's like, I'm here and
you're gonna go around and you're going to sleep with other
people. Like, what the fuck am I here
for like you? I would block that was the one
night that I was in the like incoherent and that is the night
that you went out and then decided to fuck her like it
wasn't. There wasn't any sort of like
conversation of like, you know what?
There was a conversation. Before she told me this, I want
to say like a day a day before there was conversation about
Daria of planning to have sex with Jordan on this trip.
And I did not stand up for myself and what I wanted.
And that moment, I said, oh no, it's fine.
Go ahead. Like, we're not anything
serious. Like, we're we're here.
We're out of the country. It's whatever.
And I think in my mind, I hope that Jordan would either not do
it or I would at least be in the room to watch and or participate
potentially. And neither of those things
happened. And that's also where hurt my
feelings. And I remember while the night
that I was drunk, having a conversation with Daria
separately because she was just like, you know, I just want to
make sure that we're good and blah blah blah, make sure you
know, You're feeling okay with this and I did not stand up for
myself and say that I wasn't okay with it.
I was just like, no, whatever. So that was a lesson in standing
up for yourself. Say what you want.
Say what you feel? Say what you mean, or you will
get your feelings hurt. Fast forward to run before sex
happened. She tells me she slept with
Daria. I asked her was a good.
She says, yes, and I tried to continue the moment even though
it was ruined. A bubble was popped for me.
I sex when I'm four, maybe five minutes before.
Like something like I just like broke.
I felt my body physically like Twitch and then I just started
crying just crying. And she's just like, talk to me,
like, what's going on? And I was just like, I mean, you
slept with her last night and here you are like, with me.
What do you mean? Why am I crying?
You know, and that was the first instance where I realized that
we were very different people in terms of how we navigate.
I think I am a monogamous least centered person.
And Jordan is not Jordan is not. Yeah, Jordan is not that person.
So for the remainder of the trip, the rest of that day, I
took kind of half of the day just to cry and feel and call my
best friends and tell them. What was a because I'm out of
the country without any of my support system right now.
I felt so many just awful emotions.
Like I just wanted to go home and be with my best friends, you
know, and for the remainder of that trip, I was crazy
uncomfortable because I then watched Jordan and Daria have
their own moments. Between them then between the
two of them because you know how it is when you fuck somebody and
the looks you give them and how you interact with them
physically in the way that you smile and and move the body
language. So I'm not and then what would I
hated was that Jordan would like go back and forth between us
like we'd be at the pool and I just be like chilling by myself
and then Jordan was swim over and be all flirty and shoot with
me and then we'll leave and then go be doing, you know the same
shit with Daria thinking. It was But it wasn't like, I'm
not stupid. I'm young, but I'm not that
stupid. Like, what the fuck?
And it's one thing to have not gone on this trip.
And Jordan would have come home saying, like, oh, I did this
while I was there. I don't know if I would have
felt the same but to be there and see the woman and have to
interact with the woman and continue to do activities and
meals. And and engage with this woman
on this, this healthy plane knowing, I just want to explode.
Was super hard and not what I would have wanted for my first
trip out of the country. Since returning from that trip.
I we had multiple conversations about what I was looking for
what she was looking for. And, you know, I ended up saying
like I want a relationship. I want a girlfriend.
I want someone that's not going to be sleeping around with other
people, you know, even if it's not in the big scheme of a
relationship. I'm still looking looking for
exclusivity in a person because I don't like to be with somebody
that's sleeping around a bunch of people even.
I'm not in a relationship. I still dislike to be sleeping
with like one person at a time. I'm not good at the multiple
energy juggling not good at it at all.
And, you know, we still did not come to like an actual
conclusion. That worked for the both of us.
We still kept having sex because it was just so good.
We just kept, I would say. I just kept putting my feelings
are off to the side to have sex with this person because it was
so, so so incredible. I feel the need to share that
this woman was the first time that I had a positive strap
experience with so like life was forever changed.
So like it's like she's got a piece of my soul.
Now from that shit and it's been really hard to let the situation
go and to let all of my hurt feelings go.
And I don't know if I actually even still have, we went out a
couple times since we've been back, and I've watched her
engage in these social spaces, and I just can't handle.
It, can't handle the flirting and the charismatic nature that
carries her throughout her life. You know, I can't say I've ever
been with, like, the woman that like, Wants to kind of talk to
you at the bar kind of person. I don't know how to describe it.
But she's definitely. This type of woman that like
every woman a lot of women, find attractive, and want to talk to
you and and get up underneath that, that energy.
And I've never been the person that's more or less with that
person. Watching all these other women
flock and and throw themselves. I didn't like it.
I didn't like it, and I thought I would be able to handle the
oval. You know, we show up together.
We leave together, whatever happens between them, as
whatever type of mentality, but that don't work for me either.
No, that don't work for me. I don't want to be the weekend.
I don't want to be that while a song, the need to know.
I don't want to do. I don't want to do any of the
sneaky, the sneaky stuff. Like I'm not into it anymore.
Eventually, you know, we had to keep coming to this impasse of
I'm not happy because you're still going to be doing stuff
with other people. She went to say, oh I'm planning
this trip and Daria is going to be there and I said, oh where
you going to sleep with her again?
And she's like, well, it's not it.
She said it's a possibility and I'm like, what the fuck is that?
What does that even mean? And Kind of after that.
I was never really the same. I never really had the same
feelings because I just felt like I couldn't trust this not
not trust the space but like Trust.
The sexual side of the space in terms of, I'm literally asking
you to only sleep with me, even if we're like not together
together, but we're doing everything that's just shy being
together and that's what fucking gets me about lesbians.
They will do everything under the sun except call you that
girlfriend. They will do it all.
And I think that's a lot of different relationship Dynamics,
but I'm just talking about lesbians right now.
They will damn near move in with your ass and they I took
girlfriend. Hey shit to you and I think
coming into the space through the pandemic and then semi into
like re socializing again. It really showed me that you
know, this is not the person for me.
I thought this could have been the person for me but at the end
of the day, I have found a another version of all the other
women that I had already been with.
And that hurts too. And that makes me feel defeated
again that I'm not finding this person that's centered in the
way that I'm centered and I'm still choosing.
I'm still choosing not to listen to myself.
I'm still choosing to engage in these spaces that are for me and
it's just never. It feels like it's never ending
and it feels like a wound. That's not going to heal, unless
I just don't talk to anybody for a Very very very very long time
and become stronger and more secure in what I actually want
because I think I was also afraid of wanting a relationship
because what does that mean? That means what?
I don't know. I haven't been in a relationship
in like five years. Four years, five years,
something like that a long time. So it goes so many different
sorts of ways. But this one, this one Takes the
Cake because I left out of the motherfucking country and got my
fucking feelings hurt. You know, like I don't think it
gets any crisps up. I mean, stuff does continue to
get crazier. But wow, I went out of the
country and got by face cracked and it's like A lot of the signs
were there. I had pointed towards a lot of
signs that I wasn't sure of prior to a lot of things
transpiring. But I kept waiting to like see
like the proof of the things because I didn't want to just
make decisions without proof. But while the your mind, your
body, your soul, your spirit will tell you and you have got
to listen. And oh, I'm hard-headed.
I'm a Capricorn. I don't like to listen.
I do not like to listen. It takes me a solid for her to
the 72 times before I listened and I think this is the time
where I will be listening. This is the final like, okay.
I cannot keep picking literally the same woman in.
French skin, you know, and I've not the same woman, but the
woman that doesn't want. When I want another woman, that
doesn't want what I want. And I have to stop picking sex
over what I actually want. I think that's something that
I've done for a very, very long time.
It's just pick really good sex over the other emotional
fulfillments that I'm seeking. So yeah, I may have forgotten
things about the story, but I think I covered a lot of it in
terms of. Are we still friends?
Yes, is it hard? Yes, does it hurt?
Fuck? Yeah.
Do I have a hard time? Knowing that one day she's going
to be digging down other women. Absolutely.
But our meeting in intertwining
in life started, in our, in a friendship, in a really good
friendship, and that what keeps me wanting to push forward,
while still finding a delicate balance for me, to take the time
that I need to heal for myself, but still knowing that I have a
decent incredible friend in this person.
What are you do? Wow, this was a, this is a
longer episode because this one had a lot going on to it and
possibly more that I can't even begin to get into because it's
so deep. Maybe I'll have to do a part 2
to Jordan. We'll see.
Thank you. Everyone.
As always for listening. You all are quite wonderful to
be listening to me, just ramble about terrible dates dating, its
relationship. He things, whatever its called.
That's all for now until next time.
Bye.