Hello, my loves, and welcome to another podcast episode of Busy
Glowing Up. I'm your host Liv Marima, and in
today's episode we're going to be getting brutally honest.
We're going to be getting real in this episode.
And this is something that I have felt really called to make.
And I think that a lot of people will benefit from this.
I have also deeply benefited from this myself.
And I think that this is just something that I know for a fact
is going to change everything for you if you actually like sit
with this and implement everything I'm about to share
with you. Also want to say that this may
trigger some people because not everyone is in a phase in a
place in their life where they're ready to do this type of
work. And that's OK.
And that is facing the ego. A lot of people in the love and
like community are we're are always talking about, you know,
focus on loving yourself, telling yourself how incredible
and amazing you are and how much other people love you.
But the reason why that could actually be sabotaging you,
especially if you're someone that's, you know, you've been
doing inner work and all the healing work for years now and
you feel like you're still the same person.
You feel like you haven't had like significant changes.
You still feel like you're attracting the same types of
relationship dynamics that you are still spiraling into being
triggered and sabotaging. And you just, you know, at a
core that you fully haven't changed and you're not being the
version of yourself that you know you want to be.
You know that I talk a lot about self concept work.
That's everything that I teach, that's it's revolved around my
business and the way that I help clients.
But what I have been noticing is that what happens with self
concept work and the way that it's taught, especially just
like on social media and everywhere, is to just focus on
the good and telling yourself the new story.
Yes, that's a part of it, but the reason why you continue to
sabotage and overtime the results they they just don't
last. Like let's say for example, I've
seen this time and time again where people start doing self
concept work and they get their person back or they get into a
relationship. They find the person of their
dreams because they haven't actually faced their shadow and
understanding like their ego, the parts of themselves that
they don't like, they haven't actually faced that and like
transcended it. It starts to sabotage them over
time in the relationship. It's so easy to tell yourself
that you are an incredible person and that you're amazing
and to just like it's so easy to focus on the parts that are the
best about you. But what happens is you're
actually blindsided by the parts that are sabotaging you.
And the ego has a funny way of keeping that blindsided part of
you hidden and you're not aware of your patterns and behaviors
that are behaviors that are sabotaging you because it
doesn't want you to change. It wants to stay the same.
The ego doesn't want change. So for example, you can do years
of healing, years of therapy, but if you aren't able to
actually face your shadow and understand the patterns about
you that are actually holding you back and what's been self
sabotaging you, and you're unable to actually face those
parts of yourself. And when I say facing them, it's
actually admitting it to yourself.
For example, you're doing all the work for years and years,
but you're still seeing yourself as a victim.
Keeping yourself in a victim mentality is a form of sabotage,
and I see it time and time again now, the reason why earlier I
was saying that this work isn't for everyone.
Not everyone's ready to hear it. If you are in a victim mentality
and someone brings up something that actually like brings to
your awareness that you are operating from a victim
mentality, you're going to get so triggered by it.
You're going to tell them that they are wrong, that they don't
know what they're talking about, and you're going to convince
yourself that you are not a victim of your reality.
And the way the victim mentality sabotages is that it blames
everything outside of them. That the reason why your
relationships aren't working out is because that there's no good
men out there. Or maybe the reason why your
relationship didn't work out is because that person has a lot of
trauma. They have so many issues.
They have all these things right?
Always looking for external factor.
If you find yourself going into that place where you're
constantly blaming things around you, that's how you know your
shadow is actually coming from a place of victimhood.
And this is actually a beautiful thing. self-awareness,
self-awareness and actually knowing how to implement
changing and integrating those shadow parts to yourself.
Your life is going to change. If you feel like you're someone
that has been stuck and no matter what they do, nothing
changes, it's most likely because you're focused on the
wrong things that you need to actually integrate.
You know, if you're focused on the good, that's really great,
but the things that are weighing you down, you're not addressing
and it's dragging you down and you're not aware of it because
the ego keeps it hidden. When instead you can actually
look and ask yourself, let's say you're in a situation of dynamic
and you want to change. You want to show up and do
things differently. Ask yourself, am I being a
victim right now in my reality or am I taking accountability?
Am I actually looking at how I played a part in this and how
this was actually created by me? What parts of me have actually
made this my reality? How is this my fault?
It's beautiful to like take the time to actually admit things to
yourself you like the most realist person.
If you can be real with yourself, not only are you going
to attract experiences where people feel really safe, but it
also builds that emotional intelligence.
It is so so attractive to be someone who is self aware and
owns their shit. Now I am making this podcast
episode because this is what I struggled with for the longest
time. I was so blindsided by my own
patterns and I fully, I thought that I was owning my stuff.
But the the more I dug deeper, I realized actually, no, the parts
that were weighing me down, I couldn't actually see.
I only saw fragments of it. And that's why there are certain
parts of my journey that I felt like I couldn't fully transcend.
And now a practice that I do on a day-to-day basis is reflecting
within myself of like, OK, how did I play a role in this?
How is this my doing? How could I have showed up
better? What would I have done
differently? Am I operating from a victim
mentality? Am I shaming myself for shit I
shouldn't be shaming myself for? Because another thing that you
don't realize is it's not just victim mentality that's a part
of the ego. People pleasing shaming yourself
even if you think that you, you should feel bad.
Like, let's say you make a mistake and you should feel bad
about it. If you can't actually like let
go of that shame and you continue to hold on to that,
it's actually coming from the ego.
And it's because you want to focus more on the emotion than
what's actually happening and seeing the big picture.
It keeps you blindsided. The part that most people have
been missing when it comes to actual personal development and
changing their habits and patterns and behaviors for good
is facing those parts of themselves that are hard to
face, that are hard to admit, that are hard to take
accountability for and say, you know what?
This is my mistake, this is my fault, this is my wrongdoing.
And also admitting, like, you know what, the way I showed up,
the way that I handled it, I would have done things
completely different. And I see how I was sabotaging,
how I was projecting onto others, how I was also a
contributor to this problem, to this experience.
And what the ego loves to do is to use labels.
Using labels is, in a way excusing yourself, where then
you don't have to really face that part of yourself because
you could say, oh, well, you know, the reason why I'm acting
like this is because of my childhood trauma and what I
experienced. Or the reason I'm acting like
this was because of that toxic relationship I was in in high
school. And the reason I'm like this is
because I have anxiety or I have ADHD or I had a really hard year
and I'm going through a lot, right?
This is something that is just built in our human nature.
It's something that we all do. I'll admit 100%.
The amount of times looking back, I realized that I have
used excuses to excuse my behaviors, my patterns for
things that happen to to me so long ago that have built around
my identity, myself concept. And the part of doing this work
is to be able to admit to yourself, even though this is
what I encountered in my past, even though I have been through
a lot, it's actually my responsibility to work on those
patterns, to work on those behaviors.
And being able to spot when I am showing up in a way that is
actually not benefiting me. That's not benefiting others
around and not excusing myself for it and choosing to be the
change and make the change because you don't have to
change, but you can if you want to, right?
It really comes down to this is when most people change, they
have they hit rock bottom in their life where at one point
just everything feels upside down and they completely lost
themselves. That's usually when people have
their breakthrough moment of like, that's it.
I'm done. I have to change.
I can't do this anymore. And you often also get to a
place where you're just like, I can't stand myself.
I can't stand who I'm being. I don't like myself.
I don't like the way that I'm acting and the way I'm showing
up in my reality. And you don't.
AB absolutely. You don't have to wait to hit
rock bottom to change. You can simply just decide today
you want to change because you want to be the best version of
yourself and you want to master emotional intelligence and
personal development and develop a sense of self-awareness that
most people don't ever reach throughout their entire life,
right? This is an ongoing process, but
true change comes with calling yourself out and being able to
call yourself out on your own BS sometimes.
And I'm sure that throughout your life you've had people call
you out on your BS and they've probably like said, hey, like I
don't like the way you're doing this or you know what?
When you do this, it makes me feel XYZ, right?
But if you're in your ego, when someone tells you that, you're
going to get defensive, you're not going to like that, you're
not going to take that and you're going to somehow project
it onto them. You're going to come up with
either excuses. You're going to go straight into
victimhood. And you know, you can even like
try to like, you know, portray the story of like, oh, well, I
didn't mean to. And it's just because of this
and I I had no idea, right. It's acting like unaware of what
you did. That's something that also I
struggled with. That's why I know this episode
can be really triggering. And I know sometimes the way I
say stuff is just very blunt. But trust me, everything that I
talk about and all of my content is stuff that I have personally,
like overcome within myself. Like I didn't get to where I am
by not making a bunch of mistakes and by not having to
have like a lot of moments where I'm just like, admitting to
myself of like, wow, like, you got to change this.
I believe I shared a bit about my story, my childhood in one of
my earlier episodes. And the reason why I don't talk
too much about it is because, you know, I really do believe
that whatever you came or experienced in your childhood
does not define who you are unless you allow it to.
I came from a very abusive household, alcoholic father.
And for me, what I had to consciously change within myself
was my beliefs around love, around relationships, around men
specifically. Just because what I grew up
seeing, I could have either taken the route of allowing that
to make my mindset set in stone of this is how all men are, this
is how love and relationships go.
This is what marriage is like and I had to consciously rewire
my mind and my beliefs around what I grew up experiencing and
no longer placing that into my current experiences and
projecting that onto others. Because what happens here is
what we grow up seeing is consciously what we are going to
look for in our adult life because it's familiar.
Even if it's not serving us at some level, it's still it's
familiar. So and that brings us comfort,
even if it is sabotaging us. That's why it's so important for
you to break that pattern and break what it is that you
believe is familiar. What you believe is possible for
you, what you believe you're deserving and worthy of, and
your beliefs around love and relationships, marriage, all of
those things because if you don't address those beliefs,
they are going to play out in your reality.
Another example of this is let's say you are someone that is you
always are in a dynamic where the guy you want doesn't want
you. He's avoidant, he's nonchalant,
you're always the one chasing after him.
You're going to keep attracting those types of men because at
some core level, like it is serving you because it's
familiar, it's there. There's that comfort in that.
Because if let's say you're someone that you always want the
bad boys, right? You finally attract a man that
is really sweet. He's loving.
He gives you like the most like tender affection, Princess
treatment. You're going to actually
probably be turned off by it. And I see this happen a lot with
women, right? You don't want the bad boy
because he's a bad boy. You want that because at some
core level that's like playing out some sort of experience that
you had with your father or in your childhood with one parent
or the other, because your perception of love is trying to
earn it, that you don't just receive love.
People don't just give you love. You have to work for it.
And so that's where you get mixed up with love and like this
passionate, like sparks flying. Love is actually supposed to be
something that's chaotic in in your mind.
It has to be this really hard struggle and roller coaster of
emotions and tears and you know, trying so hard to make it work
because that's the type of love that is the type of love you see
in movies. Every single person you're
attracted to speaks with how what you believe you're worthy
and deserving of the man you choose to entertain the man you
choose and pick speaks volumes of how you see yourself.
Essentially, when you see a woman with a man that treats her
poorly, that walks all over her, that speaks poorly about her,
makes fun of her, secretly envies her, right?
It's, it's one thing like that speaks volumes about his
character, but it also speaks even louder about the type of
woman that she is, what she believes she's worthy and
deserving of. And it's like everyone can pick
up on it. Same with when you see a woman
that is with a man that is just completely in love with her,
that is so gentle and loving and affectionate with her, where he
always speaks very highly of her.
He's her biggest supporter and fan.
Now back to what I was talking about with the ego and stuff,
you know, I don't ever have any notes or anything for my
podcast. I just like, you know, just
whatever comes from the top of my head, I just go straight into
it. But that's where you got to take
the accountability and look within of like, you know, I am
choosing this, you know, like even though it's so unfortunate
and sad to see that there is some women that are in like
really toxic relationships, right?
Like my mom, she wanted to leave my dad for so long, but she kept
telling herself the story of I'm staying for the kids and I can't
leave because I have to stay. When in reality, it was because
she was choosing that. Even though it was hurting her,
it was hurting us, it was hurting everybody.
She was choosing that because it was.
It felt safer for her to stay than to go off and be a single
mom and have to figure it out on her own.
Or it's easier to stay in this toxic relationship because
you're afraid that you won't find a connection as strong and
you're afraid to go out and be alone and even face the
potential of being single for a long time or even choosing to be
hung up on someone for such a long time.
Because on some core level, it brings you comfort.
And it brings you that comfort from the victimhood of I'm not
being chosen. I'm not getting what I want.
I'm living in struggle and it's really hard for me and I'm not
being chosen, I'm not being prioritized, I'm not being seen.
That's the part that it's just like a, oh, I don't want to
admit that to myself. There's a lot of people in my
world that are asking me how do I manifest a specific person
back? How do I get my ex back?
And they've been trying for months or even years.
And the way that it's taught in the love and Light community is
just just tell yourself that you're obsessed with yourself,
that he's obsessed with you. You're magnetic, all these
things. But in reality, what is this
doing still keeping you blindsided?
You're not seeing the full picture over here.
You're focused on like the little things that actually
don't matter. Yes, you can tell yourself that
you're obsessed. Yes, You can say that he's
obsessed with you. Do affirmations work?
Yes, but does that mean that even if you get your ex back by
saying all these affirmations, are you going to be able to
sustain that long term? No, not if you haven't done the
proper work, which is actually like facing those parts of
yourself that sabotage the relationship to begin with.
Because the reason why relationships end to begin with
is projections projecting onto others of Oh my God, he doesn't
want to be with me, or oh he's he's out talking to someone else
or he's going to leave me. He's annoyed with me, he doesn't
want to open up with me and communicate with me or just like
a bunch of other things, right? Like and vice versa.
Projections is what ends the relationship.
So even if you're hung up on an X and you want them back, you
got to really ask yourself, like, do I want them back?
Or is there some level of comfort for me not being able to
move on with my life? For me to sit here and reminisce
on the moments I shared with this person?
Because it feels a lot more comfortable for me to like live
in the past and to like really sit with myself and focus on the
now that one, that one is definitely something that may
call out a few people. But again, I, I, I gave you guys
a warning like this is going to be a little bit triggering,
right? This is not for everyone.
So if you are listening to this right now and you're triggered
good. I always tell this to people,
if, if this type of work is triggering you, that means that
it's that work for you. Because if you weren't triggered
by it, you'd be like, no, that's not me.
No, I'm not experiencing that. Then you'd just be like
unbothered by it. You'd be neutral.
So if you're triggered, that's good.
That's how you know this is something for you to actually
like sit down and self reflect. The way that you self reflect is
like journaling it out, like asking yourself these questions,
asking yourself and talking to yourself, like telling the
things that you don't even want to admit to yourself.
You would be so shocked by just journaling things, asking
yourself, why am I doing this? Why do I keep repeating this
pattern? Where is it coming from?
And actually calling yourself out, You're going to experience
that. You might not even want to write
it out. You probably don't even want to
admit it to yourself. That's how you know your ego's
been keeping you blindsided. And if you're listening to this
and you're like, you know what? I'm ready to get started with
this work. I'm ready to get brutally honest
with myself. I actually created a 50 page
workbook. It's called Stop Chasing and
Start Being Chased in 12 days. Each day you take 10 minutes to
really reflect with yourself answering the journal prompts.
And oh, it's going to bring a lot of stuff to surface, but
you're going to be taking the process of actually integrating
all of these shadow parts to yourself and breaking these
patterns so that you don't keep going into the spiral over and
over again. If you want to get started right
now, you can download it in the description below.
And that is it for today. You guys, for those of you who
stayed to the very end, I love you.
You guys are the real ones. Because this episode wasn't the
easiest to hear. There could have been times
where you may have been triggered.
You may have been as always, please be sure to leave the
podcast 5 star review if you haven't already.
It helps so much. It helps push the podcast to
other people who also might be interested and learning about
this work. And also feel free to send me
Adm on Instagram at live Marima. Let me know what you think.
I love hearing your guys's feedback and your guys's
reviews. I absolutely love my podcast
community so much. You guys are the best.
Thank you so much for listening again.
I will see you in the next episode.