If you are constantly attracting toxic relationships, you are
always getting your heart broken.
You are never feeling valued in your relationships.
It is not that all men are toxic, it is because you need to
work on yourself, specifically yourself.
Concept. If you have a pattern of dating
the same type of men that treat you the same way, it's most
likely the beliefs that you are holding about yourself.
The way that you are showing up in the relationship is what is
creating this relationship dynamic.
Now, if you find yourself constantly getting cheated on in
every single relationship, I don't want you to take full
accountability. But if you hold the belief that
all men cheat and that it's just natural for you to get cheated
on, that's what you're expecting, well then you will
have a tendency of attracting those exact experiences to you.
In today's episode, we're going to be specifically focusing on
healing anxious attachment styles and shifting to a secure
attachment style. Now, I will bring up avoidant
attachment style here and there, but the main focus for today is
anxious. If you struggle with anxious
attachment style, or you hold beliefs that love is hard and
that you care what other people think about you, you're
constantly seeking validation. This episode is for you, so
let's get to the root cause of where it all started.
I want you to look back and figure out how were you feeling
as a child with your parents? How are they showing up for you?
People who struggle with anxious attachment style most likely had
hot and cold behavior with their parents.
So one day their parent was being very loving and telling
them they're amazing and then the next day they would be a
completely different person. Get Mad Tell you that you're not
enough and it was always this roller coaster ride in your
childhood and that is where the anxiety stems from.
You are constantly unsure within yourself and you are waiting on
others to give you that validation.
A lot of people who have anxious attachment style also have
people pleasing tendencies, right?
Because you are constantly wanting to go out of your way
for others when people over have them like you, you have this
energy to you where you are constantly putting others before
yourself. People who have anxious
attachment style struggle to be alone.
They are constantly needing reassurance.
They feel that their self worth is dependent on how others
perceive them. You feel this need to perform
for love that you have to work hard for IT.
People with an anxious attachment style have a tendency
to overthink and they will also create stories in their head.
I personally used to struggle with anxious attachment style
and I would constantly overthink situations to the point that I
would manifest for them to just spiral out of control of the
tiniest things. That was never a problem.
For example, if someone doesn't respond to your text in a couple
of hours, in those couple of hours you are not able to think
straight. You are overthinking.
What if they are talking to someone else?
What if they're ignoring you? What are they doing?
Your mind is racing. This stems from your inability
to trust people with an anxious attachment style.
They really struggle to trust people.
Another thing that people with anxious attachment struggle with
is for some reason they feel as though they can't find better
than what they currently have. So they will put up with the
bullshit. They will allow people to
disrespect them just because they would rather have that than
be alone. And that is something I
personally struggled with. I found myself holding on to
relationships that I knew were not good for me.
My friends told me it's not good for my family and I still held
on to it because I truly believe that I could not find better.
And once I addressed this with myself concept and I really
started to understand how I am acting in relationships.
What am I thinking? Why am I doing these things?
I was more self aware. I was really able to shift that
and shift my beliefs and realize I can do better.
Like, why do I think that someone that's giving me bare
minimum is the best I will get? Now, it's very common for people
with an anxious attachment style to attract someone with an
avoidant attachment style. If you're unfamiliar with
avoidant attachment style, it is someone that is hyper
independent. They feel uneasy being intimate.
So for example they love the forming of a relationship, but
once things get serious they tend to flee because they just
feel they can't uphold this relationship.
Avoidant attachment style really value their alone time.
I find that avoidant attachment style, they're not the best at
communicating how they operate along with their hyper
independence. So if they want a load alone
time, they won't necessarily communicate it and that makes
the anxious attachment style spiral and start overthinking
things because again, they need that reassurance.
It is so important to understand your partner, how they operate,
how they feel towards certain things, because then it will
also help easing your anxiety as an anxious attachment style.
If you're an anxious attachment with an avoidant attachment, you
will most likely find yourself constantly chasing after this
person and it's not necessarily your fault or that other
person's fault. But if you want to make this
relationship work between you and your partner who is an
avoidant attachment style, you're going to have to create
communication. Because if the avoidant
attachment style is not communicating to you that they
want their space, how they feel about certain things, or they
don't feel like they can uphold this relationship, that's where
you need to come in and communicate how you are feeling
about certain things, what things that they do upset you.
And obviously you wouldn't approach this in an emotional
way. You would make sure that you are
first stabilized and then approach this topic with them.
The reason why anxious attachment always attracts the
avoidant is because they're constantly seeking that
reassurance and validation. It's almost like they enjoy the
chase, but at the same time they don't And an avoidant attachment
style. They prefer the anxious
attachment style because when a codependent, clingy person is
around them, they almost feel as though they are an amazing
person. They have this, like God complex
for them. It feels good to have someone
chasing after them, wanting them because it just again reinforces
the belief that like they're this amazing person that they
are on the pedestal. And so as an anxious attachment
style, it would actually benefit you to uphold some of these
beliefs. But I'm not going to sit here
and tell you to shift from an anxious attachment style to an
avoidant attachment style because again, avoidant
attachment style they struggle to in their relationships just
in a different manner. So now we're going to get into
secure attachment style. A secure attachment is able to
be detached from specific outcomes.
In a way, they are very go with the flow, but they have this
tendency of being very optimistic about things.
They trust that people have the best intentions for them.
They're able to uphold and maintain their relationships
because they are showing up in the most authentic version of
themselves. They are not here to play games.
They are feeling secure within themselves and that is also
reflecting onto their partner, which also is going to bring up
the partner. Secure attachment styles are
really good at communicating in a healthy way.
They don't like to get defensive.
So oftentimes if you try to argue with a secure attachment
style, you'll notice that they're not going to feed into
your anger. They'll almost take a step back.
They'll listen to what you have to say, and they're going to try
to come up with a solution where you both can compromise and
figure it out. It is actually very difficult to
get in a lot of arguments with the secure attachment style
because they will shut it down, but they're not going to shut it
down in an avoidant way and like, step away from it.
They're just going to listen to what you have to say.
They will not necessarily agree with you, but they will
understand you, make you feel heard and they will explain how
they feel about the situation and then they're just going to
want to find a solution. And it's like, how do you even
get mad at someone like that? In my opinion, I think that is
so attractive where you can have a disagreement with someone.
They listen to you, you feel good, you feel heard.
And then you just both of you just decide, OK, how are we
going to fix this? Where if you're an anxious
attachment style and an avoidant, it's going to be so
hard when you have a disagreement because you most
likely are going to be feeling upset about something, right?
So you go to the avoidant attachment style and you tell
them that you didn't like something.
They're going to think that there's a problem with you.
They're going to be like, oh, maybe I shouldn't be with you.
I don't know if this is something I want to do because,
again, they, they like to step away from things that are
difficult. They're not the type to be like,
OK, let's fix this. They're more like, I don't know
how to deal with this. So I'm just going to step away
from it and hope that it works out on its own.
And that can be very toxic. And that can be very hard for an
anxious attachment style because again, you are not feeling
heard, you are not getting that reassurance.
And then again, that avoided attachment style is making you
think that you are the problem, that there is something wrong
with you, that it's not good for you to approach people with the
things that you are struggling with.
It's really important to assess, even look back in your previous
relationships, what type of person were you dating?
Were they secure attachment style?
Were they anxious? Were they avoidant?
And then try to look and see why were things happening the way
they were, or if you were with someone currently, or if you're
manifesting a specific person back, because that is also what
I teach. Try to figure out who are they
as a person. Understand what they are about.
Once you understand who your partner is, how they think, how
they act, how they feel, then it's going to be really
beneficial for you because then you're going to have a better
understanding. When you start to understand
someone better, you start to feel a different type of way
towards them. It's almost you build a stronger
connection to them because you're like, I understand you
and you don't even have to tell them that you understand them,
you just understand you know how they operate.
And that really is beneficial because then you can use that to
your advantage. In order to shift from an
anxious attachment to a secure attachment, you first need to
stop identifying as someone that is an anxious attachment style.
I do not want you to feel like there is something wrong with
you, that you have to spend years trying to heal this within
you, because you can just choose to identify as someone with a
secure attachment style and naturally you will start
operating as one. You'll start to even attract
people who are secure attachments into your life and
you will see how they operate, how they behave, and you're
going to start to really understand what this behavior is
like and how to start embodying it.
The first thing I really recommend doing.
I love this exercise because every single time I do it, I
just feel like the best version of myself.
So the first thing we're gonna do is I want you to think of
your partner, your specific person.
If you don't have one, that's OK You can just look back into
maybe a previous partner that you had in the past.
But I want you to look at how do you feel around them.
Oftentimes we want people because they make us feel
connected to a version of ourselves that we feel like we
don't have access to when we are alone.
Every single relationship you are in, they are providing
something for you. You are with them because they
provide you with something that you are attracted to that you
want to be around. So I want you to figure out what
is it about this person that when you're with them, you feel
a certain type of way. What are they giving you in this
relationship that you so desperately want?
If it's the feeling of being wanted, of being loved, you're
going to give that to yourself. You're going to find a way to
make yourself feel loved. If it's the feeling of
stability, of security, maybe they are very financially well
off. Well, then I want you to find a
way for you to provide that for yourself.
Of course it's amazing to have your man provide for you and
take care of you. But always make sure that you
can also take care of yourself, that you have that money set
aside just for yourself, so you can buy the nice things for
yourself if you want to. You don't have to ask for
anything from others. If it's the way that they make
you feel physically, the intimacy, well, I want you to
give that to yourself. Find a way to create that space
within yourself. The goal of this is to not rely
on anybody. That you don't need anybody to
make your world feel complete, that you already have it
complete. Anybody that you choose to have
in your life is just an addition to the amazing life that you are
already living, and you become so magnetic when you feel
complete. And that is really what it is
for a secure attachment style that you feel fulfilled already,
that you don't need anything on the outside to come in and make
you feel happy. No, you are already happy.
By doing this you're killing off that old identity that needs
others to make you feel validated.
The need to hold on to things that you know are not serving
you but you continue to hold on to them because you feel that
you can't have anything. By doing this you're killing off
that old identity, that old self concept that always feels the
need to have other people make you feel validated that other
people's opinions matter. Next step is to become self
aware of how you are thinking and feeling about yourself and
in relationships. Ask yourself questions like why
do I need to be around others to feel happy?
What am I afraid of when I am alone?
Why don't I enjoy spending time alone with myself?
What experiences in my childhood caused me to believe that
relationships are hard, that I need to fight for love?
That I need to wait for people to choose me?
What are my fears and insecurities?
Why do I care if I am not good enough for others?
Try to look at scenarios or experiences in the past where
you were reacting in unfavorable way.
For example, if someone isn't responding to your messages for
hours, how are you gonna react? Are you thinking all day about
what they're doing? Why they are not reaching out to
you? What if they're gonna break up
with you? Or are you choosing to be secure
and assume no, I know they'll reach out to me.
I'm not going to sit here and be worried.
I know that I'm a catch. I know that I have plenty of
options. So I'm not going to sit here and
think that if this one person isn't going to choose me that I
don't have a whole line up of other people that would be so
happy to even get a chance to talk to me.
You need to start putting yourself on that pedestal.
You need to start feeling good within yourself.
And once you start feeling this way, when you genuinely believe
that you are an amazing partner, that you have plenty of options,
that you don't have to worry about anything.
People are always showing up in the most amazing way.
They have so much love for you. People only have good intentions
with you. Then you are not going to
entertain the story of what if they don't like me?
I'm not good enough. What if they're going to ghost
me? What if they're going to abandon
me? I'm worried of them leaving me.
You would feel so good within yourself that you could care
less. Oh, you want to leave?
OK, I don't care. I know that I'm amazing.
And if you want to leave, that's your loss.
Like, I'm the prize here. You really think I'm going to
spend my whole day crying? No, I'm actually going to focus
on myself. I'm going to go to the gym.
I'm going to go hang out with my friends.
I'm going to go put me first and I'm going to let you, in the
meantime, realize how much of an amazing person you are missing
out on. And that is where the detachment
comes in with the secure attachment style.
Even if a secure attachment style knows that something is
off, maybe, like they're not sure where things are going to
go, they're not going to let their mind wander off and think,
worst case scenario, they're going to stay grounded.
They're going to stay confident and just knowing that you know
what, everything is happening for a reason.
And I'm just going to sit here and trust, because I know that
there is no logical reason for me to be overthinking things
right now. This is where you need to make
sure that you are catching yourself with how you are
behaving, whether you're in contact or no contact.
How are you acting? Let's say that you are in no
contact with someone, but you're in the process of manifesting
them back. Are you anxiously stalking their
Instagram, checking their following if it went up or down?
Are you like posting on your story just so they can see it?
Because if you're doing that, that is not coming from a secure
attachment style. That is your limiting beliefs
of. I don't know if I'm chosen, I
don't know if this person wants me, so I'm just gonna throw
spaghetti at a wall and see what sticks.
You want to know how a secure attachment style would handle
being in no contact. They would not be overthinking.
They would be choosing to believe.
I love myself. I am amazing person.
I bring so much value into my relationships.
I know it's really hard to replace me.
They're not spending their time stalking social media.
They're probably at the gym. They're probably going out for a
walk. They're probably just living
their best life, holding positive beliefs about
themselves and trusting and being like, you know what?
Like I know this person's going to reach out.
I don't have to sit here and be fake.
Post stories act like I'm happy when on the inside I am so
unhappy I am desperate. I am literally just waiting for
you to view my story. The truth is, they can
energetically feel that like people are not dumb.
People can sense your energy right through the screen.
You ever see someone post a video and you could just like
just the way that they are looking at the camera or
speaking, You're just like, I can sense their energy and like,
I don't know about this person, Well, it's kind of like the same
thing If you are posting on your stories strictly with the
intention of this person seeing you and you are coming across,
desperate people can feel it. You cannot fool energy, OK?
Like I know. That a lot of people think that
they can. But trust me, people can sense
it. What really helped me heal my
anxious attachment style is being around people with a
secure attachment style. And I would just observe the way
they act, like I would see the way that they respond to certain
things. And I was like, oh, you know
what? That's actually really
attractive. I want to have that trait too,
because I don't want to sit here and overthink like it doesn't
feel good for me and I'd rather just be someone that is
confident within themselves and just has things come to them.
So whenever you catch yourself, trust me, you'll know when
you're thinking like, should I do this?
Is this coming across desperate? Ask yourself what would the
secure version of me do in this situation and you will get the
answer. Because trust me, your higher
self knows you cannot fool your higher self.
There is just something so attractive about someone who
knows how to respond well to situations that are unfavorable.
Even if someone tells you something that you are not happy
of, like deep down it's like damn, I wish you didn't say
that. For example, if someone says I'm
not really interested in you, I think we should be friends.
You can choose to let that affect you and become really
desperate and be like, why don't you think I'm enough?
Why don't you want to be with me?
I've done all this for you. Or you can be very attractive,
very confident and be like, that's OK, and just hold in the
knowing that they'll change their mind.
You're not the type of person that people say no to and you
don't care how long it takes. But eventually they'll realize
they'll come around. And the more calm and relaxed
you are in situations, the more people are really attracted to
it because it's not as common as you think it is.
Especially with men, they really do value a woman that is able to
just stay relaxed and grounded. It's almost to the point that
like no matter what he's doing, he is not gonna have the ability
to make you spiral and put you into a place where you are not
feeling good enough. Like, no, no, no, no.
I'm not the problem here. If someone ghosts you, you can
either choose to let that affect you or you can be like, that's a
you problem, you're lost and just literally like, what a
joke. You're actually funny.
Like you guys might think I'm crazy, but I've had an
experience where I've been ghosted.
I've I've been ghosted a few times, but they've always come
back. Like there has never been a time
where someone in my life has never come back.
And I truly believe that the reason why is because once
something unfavorable happens to me, I pick myself up so fast.
Like, yes, I'll process my emotions.
I'm a girl, That's just what we do.
But after I'm done my little crying session, I'm going to be
picking myself up, leveling myself up.
Like you think I'm going to spend a month trying to get over
you. No, life goes on.
I'm going to get on with my other goals.
I'm going to focus on me. And I trust that through the
process, you're just going to show up and you're going to be
like, what's up? How you been?
And I'm going to be like, oh, I've been actually amazing
without you. Thanks for asking.
And that also ties into manifesting.
Like when you're not approaching things from a desperate way,
you're focused on you. You're feeling like you can have
whatever you want. You are just trusting that the
universe is just working in your everything is going to just come
into an alignment. If you're manifesting a specific
person, you definitely don't want to be caught up with all
the techniques, spending hours of your day affirming for them
and then being this desperate energy.
And then they come back and they say, oh, how have you been?
Like, what have you been up to? Oh yeah, I've just been
affirming your name repeatedly for hours, and I've been waiting
on you to come back this whole time like I'm not here to shit.
Talk on manifestation techniques.
If you feel good doing that, and it works for you, good.
But you know what? If it's making you stress out
and it's triggering you even more, Drop that, Drop that
technique. Because honestly, you do not
need affirm all day to see your manifestation.
It is enough by just choosing to identify with the new version of
yourself that has it that gets what she wants that it's natural
for you to get treatment or natural for you to have people
pursue you come back into your life.
Like for example. I also believe that the reason
why all of my exes have come back without me even doing a
single manifestation technique is because I also held the self
concept. That belief that my exes
realized that they will never find someone like me.
I was also not hyper focused on them coming back because I also
I didn't want them back. When I work with my coaching
clients, we always go over that. This is not a trying process,
that it shouldn't have to feel like a chore or a really hard
task. You are simply just going to
focus on yourself and really step into the identity, the self
concept that is able to create those experiences like it's just
natural for you. You really need to believe that
you are deserving of anything you want.
And when you're in a self concept that holds contradicting
beliefs, where you are struggling to believe that you
deserve something, that's where it comes to addressing why do
you feel that you don't deserve this?
What in your reality right now is showing you that you don't
deserve it? Is it that because they told you
that they don't want to be with you and you believe that that is
the truth? That people can't change, you
can't fix relationships and that is why you are struggling to
believe that you will attract them back?
Or maybe you have an assumption that you are not chosen first,
that others come before you, that you are never the top
priority. That's where you need to address
yourself. Concept.
Who do you no longer want to be? What behaviors?
What characteristics? What personality traits are you
so tired of having that you want to get rid of Because you know
what? If you don't like something
about yourself, you can change it.
In my workshop I have so many worksheets that strictly go over
yourself concept asking you very detailed questions.
If you've taken my workshop, you would see that there are so many
worksheets that are strictly targeted for self concept.
The reason why is because when you are able to identify how you
are currently operating, how you are currently thinking, what are
you accepting into your life. It's really easy for you to
understand yourself better and then also realize, OK, I need to
work on this and that is how I'm gonna change within myself
concept and that is how I'm gonna experience different
results. For example, you go through all
of the self concept prompts and you realize that you most
dominantly struggle in the ability to trust in
relationships that people have the best intentions for you.
You would then be aware, OK, I struggle with this.
I need to address this belief and shift it so then I'm able to
create a new self concept within myself where I am able to trust.
I want you to understand that nothing is ever set in place.
You are changing and evolving as a person every single day based
off the experiences that you are having on a day-to-day basis.
So if you are able to shift that limiting belief from I'm not
able to trust in relationships to I'm starting to believe that
I can trust in my relationships, that people have good intentions
towards me. And you keep repeating that
story in your mind and telling yourself that as a result you
will start to identify as someone that is able to trust.
You're going to start to feel stabilized with telling yourself
that it's going to be natural for you to choose to believe
that that is all that self concept work really is.
It's just being self aware, identifying who you currently
are. Where are you struggling?
Why do you struggle with that choosing?
OK, well I can take a growth approach with this.
How can I shift this about myself?
I actually want to be this type of person now and now.
From now on, you're going to be telling yourself a new story.
Yeah, I am this type of person, regardless of the circumstances.
Even if things in your life are telling you and show you the
complete opposite, this person blocked you on everything and
they don't want to be with you, blah blah blah, You can still
choose to be like I'm able to fix my relationships.
I love myself. I know my worth.
I know I'm an amazing person to be with and I know that
everything is going to work out my favor in this situation.
Forget your specific person, Just think about this.
You are able to create stability within yourself.
You are able to feel good within yourself.
That is so important. So if you are able to hold
beliefs that just make you feel good and you have this ability
to trust, the manifesting aspect is just going to come naturally.
It's just going to come to you based on who you are being.
I want to wrap up today's episode with a few self concept
questions that will really help you have a better understanding
of yourself. And if you want, you can even
grab a piece of paper and journal about this and try to
figure out where you are struggling.
The journal prompts are why do I worry about what others think of
me? Why do I need someone else's
presence to make me feel happy? Do I have a tendency of having
compulsive behaviors such as stalking, obsessing, chasing,
being clingy? Do I have my own self soothing
way of processing my emotions? Do I find myself constantly
overthinking situations to the point that it causes a lot of
anxiety? Do I believe that I can change
as a person? Do I have a negative attachment
formed to my specific person? Do I have a tendency of
developing negative attachments in my relationships?
What fears do I have around relationships?
Asking yourself these questions is really going to help with
identifying how you are currently operating, how you
view yourself, the beliefs that you currently have and from
there you're going to choose. Who do you now want to be?
What do you now want to believe? You can even look at people in
your life or even on social media that are maybe in a self
concept that you want to be. I find this really helps where
you can have an idea of of the type of person that you want to
become specifically in relationships, that confidence
that you want to have. And when you find yourself in
undesirable circumstances, you can take a step back and
realize, no, actually I'm not going to react the way I used
to. I'm actually choosing to be a
different person that shows up differently and I'm not going to
handle the situation the way I used to.
I'm going to handle it in a respectful, attractive way.
That is a wrap for today's episode.
Thank you so much you guys for listening to today's episode and
rating the podcast Five Stars. I appreciate it so much.
If you are looking to work with me one-on-one, you can sign up
in the link in my description. Or if you are looking to
download the workshop that I mentioned in today's episode,
you can also find that in the description.
I love you guys so much. Thank you so much for listening
and I will see you in the next episode.